“Oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town. Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”
It’s Christmas, Fangbangers! Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. Unless you live in Mystic Falls. In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here. Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps. And it still makes me cry . . .]
I concur Damon. I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . . Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them. Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .
Yes, I went there. I titled this section “Wanna Come?” And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.
In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene. Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .
Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed. Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it. Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies. Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!
Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable. I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.
Whereas, in the previous episode, we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .
Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing. You know what I say to that? “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what. Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?
Here’s an idea, Damon. You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would. You already FEEL guilty. So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?
It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure. It also might be more fun for us to watch. But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .
“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .
Nike would be so proud!
Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.
“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .
WE DO! WE DO! Except you two aren’t letting us! Such teases!
Klaus Mikaelson . . . He’s one Special Snowflake
It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.
Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop . . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake. Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . . Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age. You know, like them . . .
Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers. And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .
It totally works, by the way.
Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure. It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before. But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while. And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .
Klaus and Stefan – Frenemies with benefits?
Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection. Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.
“Dear Lover. If you are reading this, it means you killed me. So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”
Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.
I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . .
Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .
Same difference I guess. But hey, it could be worse. Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.
Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .
The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr
After you’ve been dating someone for awhile, you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies. Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .
“I’m not angry! What would make you think I’m angry?”
And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.
“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this? I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”
I don’t know. I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it? (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.) Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things? This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .
Just saying . . .
Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days. Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate. Yes, fangbangers. Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr. But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .
Speaking of dumbasses . . .
Have wood, will thrust . . .
OK, so let me get this straight. You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.
You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill, so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her. While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor. And he’s bored.
Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister. You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.
You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .
“Ooh what a feeling! When we’re dancing on the ceiling . . .”
You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.
I mean, you could really do anything. The world is your proverbial oyster. But, you know what I wouldn’t do? I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .
All logic reasoning aside . . . Jer Bear is looking gooooooood . . .
Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show? Well, they used it this week! Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .
Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?
ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft. What kind of lotion do you use?”
JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”
“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”
Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat. And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good. Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?
Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies. He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires. So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.
Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing. After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance. So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him. That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .
And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored. Thank you very much.
Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point. I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna, Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games. Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault. But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .
And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy. Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.
Oh gross! I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .
“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work. You’re still here.”
But hey! Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck. So, progress?
JEREMY: *think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*
ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch. I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”
JEREMY: “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake. Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”
But you know who ISN’T making progress?
BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.
Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year. But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time. That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!
Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .
That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy! And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.
It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses. He tells Elena he’s setting her free.
He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.
And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion. I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy. And I didn’t like it happening here. In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled. He felt he was setting them free. But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do. We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.
We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.
I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing. And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time. I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan. And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break. He deserves it . . .
Meanwhile, back home . . .
Mama Don’t Preach . . .
Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week. So, we’re supposed to be nice to her. But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus. And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”
“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”
REALLY? Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.
Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.” Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!
What’s worse? Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP. Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years. With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?
“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you. At least he never gives his father any lip.”
I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.
Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle. So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately. (More on that later.)
Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.
That’s right, Fangbangers. It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE. You know . . . so he can save Elena from
loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.
In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.” While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .
. . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.
Of course, Stefan can’t find it. This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff. Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.
So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM. And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.
Then again, maybe not . . .
Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory. Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight. Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.
“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.
Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s. Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware? I wonder . . .
News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword. Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body. Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy . . . well . . . almost everyone.
Now, this is where things get confusing. You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting. On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead. But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE. Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .
You re-killed Caroline! You bastard!
I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap. Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom. RUDE! She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .
Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed. “But you were dead. You had no pulse,” she whines.
Maybe next time, April . . .
Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring? OOPS!
In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”
Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”
However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls. And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.
“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”
As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains. (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)
Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.
To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.
But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .
Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .
Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away. Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him. As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.
But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . . So, it’s totally justified.
Yes, I AM kidding. But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets. It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.
“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”
Kung Fu Hybrid 2 . . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .
P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones. After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”
Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal. And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.
Bummer . . .
Speaking of bummers . . .
Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .
I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls. On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes. On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures. This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372. Weird . . .
Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi. His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye. So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit . . . concerned about the whole situation.
I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately. Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?
I don’t know. Maybe she was too drunk, or something. Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life. “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.
As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.” Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.
Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go. But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your “maker.” R.I.P. Mama Lockwood. We barely knew ye. But hey, look on the bright side! At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!
“Dammit! I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”
On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!