Greetings Werebangers! This week the Scooby Gang came up with a devious plan to force the Benefactor out of hiding, and possibly get him to reveal his identity . . .
. . . it failed miserably . . .
. . . also, lots of people slept . . .
. . . some people boned . . .
. . . and Lydia, once again, found herself on an entirely different show than everyone else . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for the fantabulous screencaps you see here. I most definitely wouldn’t have “visual confirmation” of Derek’s six pack each week without him. Thanks to whatever the heck Kate (or Peter?) did to him, the dude may be less of a wolf than he once was, but he’s clearly just as much Man Meat as he always was!]
Embrace the Little Spoon
The Politics of Bedsharing are arguably the most complicated and highly sensitive points of negotiation, when navigating a new relationship (second only to Matters Involving the Toilet Seat and Where To Hide the Feminine Hygiene Products). Are you a sleeper who requires personal space, while your significant other is a cuddler? Do either of you happen to be blanket or pillow hogs? Do you have a tendency to kick people in your sleep? Do both of you crave the side of the bed closer to the door, to avail yourself of easy escape in the event of a surprise zombie attack? Does one of you talk in your sleep, or (gasp) snore?
Though Stiles opening sequence dream was obviously less of an actual dream, and more of a nostalgic memory, I enjoyed it for its subtlety, in the same way I enjoyed Stiles’ arguably more plot-relevant dream sequence, which kicked off Season 3A, and cleverly foreshadowed his nogitsune possession.
At the beginning of the Season, Stiles complained to Scott that Malia had, immediately upon starting a relationship with Stiles, taken it upon herself to become his regular bed mate. He also gripes that Malia has insisted that Stiles consistently function as the “little spoon” during their cuddle sessions.
We see that there’s at least a bit of truth to Stiles’ initial complaint, as one of the lone representatives of Team Human on the show tosses and turns in bed, bemoaning how, for years, he slept comfortably alone at its center. Meanwhile, Malia continually insists that his sleeping arrangements have now changed, so he best get used to it. Malia’s matter-of-fact insistence that, as Stiles’ “mate”, she automatically earns the right to sleep in his bed, even if it interrupts his normal sleep pattern, is either admirably feminist, or annoyingly clingy. How you view it, probably says a lot about how you view Malia as a character.
The veracity of Stiles’ second complaint is called into question, however, when we learn that, while it is Malia that first suggests the position of Little Spoon to Stiles, he is actually the one likes it best, as it offers him both the ability to have his center of the bed sleep uninterrupted, while offering him the added benefit of his girlfriend’s warmth and affection. As far as Bed-sharing Negotiations go, this one actually seems to have gone rather smoothly . . .
(Even if it has caused Stiles to feel a bit neutered by his girlfriend in the process, hence his need to lie to Scott about how the whole Little Spoon thing actually came about . . .)
“It’ll be our little secret.”
Of course, all of this is basically a long of saying that Stiles has come to rely on Malia’s Big Spoon Comfort to get him through the night. And now that he finally has the bed back to himself, is surprised to find that it feels lonelier and emptier than he remembered . . .
All together now . . . AWWWWW!
Something Borderline Idiotic . . .
The first time I ever suspected Papa McCall as possibly being a Benefactor suspect was this week, when (1) a ridiculous amount of time was spent on him recapping the events that led to the Chemist’s demise using the phrase “visual confirmation,” (2) an even more ridiculous amount of time was spent on him telling Scott about how the key to murdering dangerous individuals was to become cold and emotionless (and when that fails, drink yourself silly, (3) and then Scott’s dad proceeded to conveniently take himself out of the picture for the entire episode at the precise time when Scott was calling out the Benefactor directly and attempting to meet him face-to-face.
Also worthy of note: Papa McCall is kind of hot. The fact that I noticed this around the same time I pegged him as a possible sociopath says a lot about my taste in men . . .
Also on my list of Teen Wolf eligible bachelors . . .
Definite Sociopath #1
Potential Sociopath #2
Evil Wendigo . . .
Nogitsune Stiles . ..
Nuff said . . .
But enough about me, let’s talk about the Scooby Gang and their self-described “Borderline Idiotic” plan to track down the Benefactor . . .
First, what the Scooby Gang got right. A spider has eight legs, cut off one or two, and the creature can still survive quite well. If you really want to defeat a spider you have to smush it chop off its head.
And so it goes with the Benefactor and his seemingly endless supply of Assassins of the Week. Up until this point, the Scooby Gang has focused on trying to catch assassins before they made their next kill.
But to really protect the folks on the Deadpool, the Scooby Gang has to cut off its source of funding.
Now, if I were part of the Scooby Gang, my suggestion as to how to do this would be as follows: fake a convincing death shot of Scott . . .
. . . get the money from the Benefactor . . .
. . . hire a very good hacker (like Danny) to trace the funds back to their original source . . .
. . . bring down the Benefactor . ..
. . . take my friends on a much needed vacation to Tahiti . . .
Now, admittedly, that wouldn’t make for a very good show, which is probably why the Scooby gang decided to NOT show the benefactor visual confirmation of the deceased in order to “cull him out” . . .
. . . but “kill” Scott anyway, in a highly risky supernatural procedure, just for sh*ts and giggles . . .
Geez! Haven’t they learned anything from the whole Bathtub Death Fiasco of Season 3A?
I think as soon as we heard the plan, most of us Werebangers figured it wouldn’t work. After all, last we checked, the Benefactor wasn’t a moron. So, even if he did send someone to obtain “visual confirmation” of Scott’s demise (he didn’t), there’s a good chance he’d use a pawn completely unrelated to the whole Deadpool thing . . .
In the Scooby Gang’s defense, the “brains” of their operation was otherwise occupied . . .
Leaving our stalwart crew a bit like an eight-legged headless spider themselves . . .
Besides, this episode wasn’t really so much about the Benefactor, as it was about Scott’s unresolved romantic feelings for Little Liam, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)
Playing Dead . . .
In Season 3A, Scott McCall went swimming in an ice cold bath tub and “died in a bathtub for eight hours . . . waking up with no obvious signs of brain damage (apart, of course, from the brain damage that was there before).
But this time around, Scott’s death is going to be by Kira-induced electric shock, which means he only has 45 minutes . . .
“Light as a feather, stiff as a board . . . light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
No worries, this gives Scott plenty of time to have not one, not two, but three three homoerotic dream sequences, and some time left over to watch this old movie trailer to get in the appropriate mood . . .
In slightly less cynical news, Scott’s fake death was well done . . .
. . . not to mention ridiculously well-acted by Mama McCall, who . . . considering she was in on the act, the whole time, and wailed on cue, like a champ . . . should seriously consider quitting her ridiculously underpaid and underappreciated job as The Only Living Medical Professional in Beacon Hills Who Isn’t a Total Moron . . . and heading to Hollywood, baby!
In which, Derek and Braeden “Heal Each other’s Wounds” . . . Biblically
Much like the Lydia scenes in this episode, Derek’s and Braeden’s Fun with Guns Sexpisode seemed like it came from a completely different show. (Was Derek left in the dark about the Scooby Gang ‘s plan because Scott and Stiles don’t want to give him and Peter back their money? It’s never really explained.)
And yeah, Derek’s and Braeden’s “romance” never really had much in the way of “background” or “character development.”
But hey, no complaints here. I’d watch Tyler Hoechlin Wereporn anyday (and twice on Monday nights).
Plus, from a plot perspective, given Derek’s diminished were powers, and the fact that his hand-to-hand combat abilities haven’t really been up to snuff since Season 2, it’s high time our Adult Wolf learned how to a handle a gun and “bend” into exotic sexual positions the rules of combat. Don’t you think?
And who better to be his Sensei then Weapons Expert, Chris Argent That New Chick He’s Boning?
Words with Friends
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Chris Argent and Stiles are engaging in a friendly G-chat with the Benefactor, using the handle “G” (for Guest? Good Guy? Greenberg?)
“Can we use gravestone and skeleton emojis?”
Stiles argues that the chat could be a bit more colorful, and contain a few more high-scoring words . . .
(He forgets that this is the same guy that calls his secret weapons stash, Argent’s Arms.)
When careful prodding doesn’t work, Chris the Badass resorts to threats . . .
Message sent and received . . .
Argent then wires the security cameras to the Scooby Gang’s laptop, so they can track absolutely nothing the point in time where a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m the Benefactor” casually waltzes into the hospital to take Scott McCall’s pulse . . .
We’ll be back, after this enlightening Dream Sequence Brought to You by Scott McCall . . .
Homoerotic Dream Sequence One: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute!
Scott McCall is in the closet. He climbs out. Hooray! (Good for you, Scott.)
Now, he’s at school, and sees Liam.
Liam tosses Scott his balls.
Scott catches and fondles the balls. Then Liam jogs very slowly away from Scott (playing hard to get, I guess, emphasis on “Hard”). Scott chases him.
He finds a laptop in the classroom. The keyword is his name. The targets are The Mute, The Orphans, and The Chemist, all of whom are already dead, so Scott gets no payment for killing them. Liam wants Scott to kill them AGAIN anyway, because homoerotic characters in dream sequences have the memory capacity of fruit flies.
Scott refuses, so the Mute comes back from the dead, and jams his big stick into Liam hard and repeatedly, thus proving that even ugly deceased Albinos without lips get more action than Scott.
Snooze you lose, Alpha!
Malia, I am your father the Desert Fox is your mother . . .
Malia breaks into the Hale vault again to visit her bio dad. They bond together by punching walls . . .
. . . and reading Malia’s bloody illegible adoption records. Peter promises Malia he will help her find her mother, The Desert Wolf, whose name makes her sound vaguely like an exotic dancer Peter met at a sleazy night club on the Las Vegas Strip . . .
It would certainly explain a lot about Malia’s nascent erotic dancing abilities . . .
Speaking of parental bonding . . .
Ashes, ashes, we all fake our deaths!
And here we thought Gerard Argent was the only faux-deceased geriatric in Beacon Hills . . .
When Lydia’s mom follows her to the Lake House, the latter attempts to ply her with information about her late grandmother’s connection to late Meredith Walker.
Apparently, the two were roomies at Eichen House, who shared the same Boy from Sixth Sense tendencies, and possibly a magical mystical Bottom of the Cereal Box Benefactor Decoder Ring?
Lydia’s mom tells Lydia that her grandmother wished that Lydia, specifically, be the one to scatter her ashes on the latter’s 18th birthday. But then, Lydia’s mom figures, “hey, in TV time, my daughter’s 17th birthday was about 3 years ago. So, screw that old coot. Let’s scatter them now.”
Lydia dutifully opens her grandmother’s urn and is surprised to find that it’s not filled with ashes at all but with . . . wait for it . . .
Lydia then inexplicably determines that the entire house is made of mountain ash, which any of the Three Little Pigs will tell you is a bad construction idea . . .
(In other news, Mountain Ash has just been upgraded to a series regular in Season 5.)
Homoerotic Dream Sequence Two: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute, the Sequel (Now with more fangs and slightly less forking!)
“My what big teeth you have,” Liam muses to Scott, after the latter climbs out of the closet, and fondles Liam’s balls, just like before.
“Do you think it makes me sexier?” Scott inquires, more or less.
“No, it just makes me deader,” Liam replies, as he falls into Scott’s arms, forked again, by the Mute.
Damn Scott . . . so close, yet so far away . . .
Elsewhere in Awake Land, Live Liam is having only slightly greater luck, as he and Kira go to investigate a power outage on the roof, and find themselves facing off against those hulking Berserker things who are boredly kicking their teenybopper asses . . .
(Newsflash Kira: The power to electrocute people > the power to blindly wave around a knife and hit absolutely no one, before falling on your ass and daydreaming about your boyfriend, while napping . . . just saying)
Meanwhile . . . at the Hospital That Only Main Characters Can Leave Alive . . .
Kira’s mom fights Berserkers . . .
. . . and does even worse than Kira . . . Ruhr oh!
And Kate attempts to battle her brother Chris for Scott’s not-quite-so-dead body . . .
But after a little coaxing from her big bro decides to leave empty-handed
Homoerotic Dream Sequence Three: Scott Finally Forks Liam (while the Mute watches)
Out of the closet again . . .
But this time, it’s not Liam’s balls that Scott is fondling, it’s his bloody stick . . .
The Mute comes by to instruct Scott on the most effective thrusting motion . . .
. .. and then . . . it’s FORK TIME!
Now, that’s one satisfied Scott!
Alls well that ends . . .
Things happen kind of fast from here . . .
Scott wakes up . . .
The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .
So are Peter and Kate . . .
Malia returns to Stiles . . .
Annnnnd then she leaves again, wondering if sociopathy may be a hereditary trait . . .
Speaking of hereditary traits, apparently the Benefactor may be a banshee and/or Lydia’s grandmother . . . .
Next, week on Teen Wolf . . .
WE FINALLY GET TO SEE DEPUTY PARRISH NAKED, HOORAY!!!!
Until then, Werebangers!