The Beautiful and Damned (and Pregnant) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season 5 Premiere “Yes, Then Zero”

NATE: “It’s Season 5, folks.  You know what that means . . . we get to have five times more sex than we had in Season 1.  CHEERS!” 

CHUCK: “I’ll drink to that!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Man, have I missed you!   It’s been a long, hot and lonely summer without my Non-Judging Breakfast Club .
. . and Dan.

A lot has changed, since we last saw one another.  There are new zip codes to explore.  New opportunities to enjoy . . . and destroy.  New romances are on the horizon.  And SOMEONE might just have a bun in her well-dressed, upper-crust, oven.

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 So, pop the cork on that champagne (unless you happen to be with child, of course), sit back in that sun chair, and just say “yes,” to a GG premiere filled with excess, intrigue, CHAIR SEX and expanding waistlines galore . . .

“Whatchu talkin about Recapper?  There will be NO expanding waistlines!” 

(Oh, and special thanks to the awesome damnthatmotherchuckerr tumblr for most of the fabulous gifs you see here!

Serena van der Woodsen – Working Girl?

Ummm . . . not THAT kind of work, Serena.

We open up on a black-and-white montage, in which a girl in a flapper type dress, dances over to a dapper dude in a period-suit.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh please lord, do not let this be another one of Blair’s annoying Classic Movie Dream Sequences.”  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), it’s not.  The scene comes from an ACTUAL movie entitled “The Beautiful and Damned” (based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald book of the same name), which has apparently been filming in LA all summer in GG world, and on which Serena has worked as Assistant-to-the-Assistant-Producer . . . Otherwise Known as “Coffee Girl.”

*insert Mary Tyler Moore Show theme music here* 

It’s kind of refreshing to see the Non-Judging Breakfast Club’s second laziest member (I’m looking at YOU Nate), you know WORKING.  (Well, we don’t actually get to SEE her work.  But she does a very good job of pretending that she is, by tiptoeing around other people who are working, while carrying around thick stacks of paper, and lattes.)  I would have thought for sure, our blonde ne’er do well would have already started sleeping with the director, or lead actor, by now, and lounging around set, dressed in nothing but her new lover’s t-shirt, and a thong.

(This reminds me, remember those two episodes a couple of Seasons ago, when Serena was all gung ho about having a career in Public Relations?  Good times!)

The LA sun has clearly been kind to Serena,  who’s got a great tan, and a surprisingly great attitude to match.  It’s the first time in a long time we’ve seen Serena, when she’s NOT whining over some relationship crisis, or pouting over some friend or another’s betrayal, our shouting at her mother for some unknown, amorphous reason.  Heck Serena even withstands some tough and belittling talk from her doucheface boss, who, though not much older than her, seems to be the first male character on this show (save for Chuck Bass) who seems unnaturally immune to Serena’s charms.

He must be gay!

In fact, if anything, he seems threatened by her potential to best him at his own job!

“Don’t let my angelface fool you.   I’m a TOTAL asshat!” 

SERIOUSLY?  Serena van der Woodsen the Corporate Ladder Climber?  Is this supposed to be some parallel universe?  Did my DVR I don’t actually have DVR tape the right show?

As if in answer to my question, Serena, rather unrealistically, gets her personal mail delivered right to the set.  And, lo and behold, it’s the Save the Date card for Blair’s sham of a Wedding to Not-Chuck-Bass . . .

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Speaking of Chuck . . .

Chuck Bass – Zen-tastic Biker Dude?

“Yes, I DO ride a hog, wearing white chinos, and an ascot.  Got a problem with that?” 

Oh, Chuck!  How I missed this man-whoring, uber-cocky, in love with his own name, version of you!  So, what if he’s CLEARLY in denial of the Blair Waldorf-sized hole in his heart, and has somehow converted all that angsty heartsickness into a Death Wish, and a life philosophy straight out of a not-particularly-good Jim Carrey movie?  He’s still WAY more fun to watch than that mopey workaholic doofus, who magically found himself in love with the bland as cottage cheese Raina Thorpe, last season, and punched his hand through a glass window for sh*ts and giggles . . .

(I’m still trying to repress the memories of those two storylines from my mind.)

When we first see Chuck he is hopping off his Harley (How the heck did he get a motorcycle license?  My guess is he the f*&ked a guy named Bubba for it.), and heading onto some boat he won in a Poker Game (naturally!), arm-in-arm with two blonde floozies with whom he is about to have loud raucous sex.  Like his pal Serena, LA seems to have been kind to Chuck, who is looking sexier than ever, with his longer than usual wind-swept hair, and decidedly un-preppy bomber jacket.  He’s even sporting a tan . . . something I never thought possible for this character to achieve, considering I always secretly believed him to be a vampire . . .

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Nate’s on the boat too.  He’s also pretty tan, and is doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, when Chuck arrives.

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(I guess some things NEVER change.) 

“If you hear anything crazy, then I’m doing something right,” announces Chuck proudly, as he escapes to the bedroom with his whores.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

After Chuck is safely out of sight,  Nate pulls out his and Chuck’s version of Blair’s Save the Date cards, and hides them in his pants . . . or someplace less likely for Chuck to go digging them up . . .

Dan Humpty Dumpty – Athlete?? 

Oh, Danny Boy!  My how you’ve grown, since Season 1 . . . 

My, oh, my has Dan the Donut (thus called, because he always appears to be both glazed, and oddly jelly filled) come a long way from his Poor Little Brooklyn Boy routes.  While his only remaining friends (I leave Manessa out of this limited circle, completely, of course), are busy planning their Royal Weddings, and taking Hollywood by storm, Dan has been summering in the Hamptons, of all places.  When we first see him, he is taking part in an Artists and Writers baseball game, which I’m sure is SUPER intense.  (You know how competitive those Artists and Writers can be!)

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“Sorry to interrupt your game.  I just really needed to ruin your life, and it absolutely couldn’t wait.”

Papa Rufus, who has the WORST timing ever, decides to interrupt Dan, right in the middle of the game to give him HIS Save the Date from Blair.  (Really?  That couldn’t have waited until he got home?)  Though Dan tries to play it cool (HAHA!), the punched in the gut look he gets on his face, upon viewing the invitation, only serves to confirm Doofus Daddy’s long-held suspicion that his son is still harboring some pretty intense feelings for our Queen B . . .

Blair Waldorf – Kept Woman??

BLAIR: “Louis, darling, should I be worried that there is a picture of Marie Antoinette, a.k.a. that Queen that got beheaded, behind me, at this very moment.”

LOUIS: “No, dahlinnnng.  Do not worry.  You are save with me.” *pulls out the knife he’s been holding behind his back*

 Without her Non-Judging Breakfast Club friends to attend lavish parties and have HOT LIMO SEX WITH bolster her mood, things seem surprisingly dreary for Blair, back on the Upper East Side.  As a staunch lover of all things New York, I was shocked by how much more fun the LA portions of this episode seemed, in comparison to their East Coast counterparts.

Unfortunately, no limo sex was to be had on either coast . . . 

Blair is spending her morning with Prince Louis, who I have decided to call Louis-Bot.  This is because I am convinced that we will soon learn that he is not an actual human being, but  rather a cyborg, programmed to utter polite sentences, every time you push a button on the back of his neck, and to obey the commands of whoever spoke to him last.

I can sort of see a resemblance.  Can’t you? 

Blair rubs up on Louis, and suggests that the two of them stay in bed and screw all day.  Louis declines, because he has to go to some hoity, toity Assembly Speech / Dinner that Blair is not allowed to attend, until the two of them are married.  So, instead, he gives his fiance a ridiculously over-priced necklace, and exits stage left.

OK . . . here’s a guy who just TURNED DOWN sex with Blair Waldorf . . .

Ahem . . . 

 . . . to meet with his mother, and prepare from some snooty dinner that is still hours away.  Now, I KNOW he’s not human . . .

It’s Chuck Bass’ World (and we just live in it)

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Surprisingly enough (especially considering what a staunch Chair fan I am, and how much Serena’s and Nate’s subplots typically bug the hell out of me) my absolute favorite scenes from this premiere were the ones where Serena, Nate and Chuck got to pal around, give eachother advice, and tease one another, like the old close friends we had forgotten they were.

The lighthearted, fun and easygoing banter between the three harkened back to the show’s first season, before random special guest stars, betrayals, and separate plotlines unintentionally got in the way of this beautifully enviable friendship.  The only thing that would have made these scenes better would have been if Blair was there with them, thereby resulting in a Non-Judging Breakfast Club reunion of the highest order . . .

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Anywhoo, Serena comes to visit Chuck and Nate on their new party boat.  The boys offer her champagne, but Serena politely declines, claiming she has adopted a new healthy LA lifestyle.  Serena, sober?  HUH?

Immediately, I called shenanigans, and wondered whether it was HER positive pregnancy test we found in the trash can last season.  But I digress . . .

Once Serena is seated and NOT drinking, Chuck decides to regale us all on his new life philosophy, one that revolves around a bad Jim Carrey movie the word “YES.”  Said life philosophy is actually fairly simple.  If someone presents Chuck with an opportunity he HAS to accept it.

Well, in that case, Chuck, have sex with me, and then stop Blair’s ridiculously dull wedding, this instant! 

NO?  Well, it was worth a shot . . .

Chuck’s words have an immediately inspirational affect on Serena, who was recently given the opportunity to write a scene for The Beautiful and Damned (yeah, because that opportunity ALWAYS comes up for coffee girls, with NO film writing experience whatsoever), but declined it, out of fear of pissing off her immediate supervisor.  Serena decides to accept the challenge, but requests that her two male besties accompany her for moral support.

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Speaking of someone in need of moral support . . .

Say Yes to the Dress, Say NO to the Prosecco . . .

“I’m smiling right now, but only because I’m imagining what it would feel like to kick your mother’s bony ass.” 

Back on the Upper East Side, both Blair and Louis-bot are meeting with both of their mothers to discuss the details of the upcoming royal nuptials.  Unfortunately for Blair, she and Louis-bot’s Mommy butt heads on nearly every detail, from the flowers (Blair wants peonies, Mommy-bot insists on a more traditional bouquet), to the dress (Blair wants to pick out her own, Mommy-bot wants her to wear HERS), to how Blair should look in her upcoming Vogue magazine spread.

Rather than stick up for herself, every time Blair doesn’t get her way, she turns to Louis-bot and pouts, expecting him to stick up for her as Chuck Bass undoubtedly would.  But Louis-bot, unfortunately, is not programmed to disobey his Mommy.  And so he just sits there, with a blank expression on his face, waiting for someone to push the button on the back of his neck, so that he can speak again . . .

This VERY awkward moment is interrupted by another one, in which Dorota arrives bringing Prosecco, which Blair politely declines (UH OH!  Another “Just say no to alcohol moment.”  Somehow I don’t think this one has anything to do with the fact that Blair is still underage.)  After dropping off the booze, Dorota notices a Gossip Girl blast on Blair’s cell phone about someone on the Upper East Side being with child.

She nervously deletes the message, before Blair can see it.

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once this wedding discussion nonsense is over, Blair calls Serena to complain about how her robot fiance can’t stick up for her.  And I find myself once again wishing that Blair was with Chuck the others in LA.  The effortless banter between B and S is just so much more entertaining to watch than ANYTHING that happens between Blair and her Prince of Lame.

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Blair expresses shock over the fact that Serena is actually working.  And Serena, in turn, offers Blair some surprisingly sound advice, namely: give Mommy-Bot what she wants for the Vogue feature, and maybe she will leave you alone, when it comes to picking a wedding dress.

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Blair and Serena then reluctantly get off the phone, promising to contact one another the following day .  . .  Man, if Blair actually ends up going through with this wedding, she’s going to need a SERIOUSLY good international cell phone plan.  Because, take it from someone who knows, those little ten-minute nation-to-nation phonecalls can REALLY add up .  . . not that either of these girls ever need to worry about money, of course.

Speaking of S . . .

The Actor, The Stuntman . . . and the Screenwriter?

Just as she knew they would, both Nate and Chuck accompany Serena to the set, where her douchebag boss, of course, gives her heat for the intrusion, reminding her that Take Your Hotties to Work Day isn’t until next week.  (As Nate cleverly noted, “Douchebags are the same, no matter where you go,” which, by the way, would be a great saying to print on a t-shirt.)

Douchey McPussFace then motions over to Chuck, and asks who the heck he is, to which Serena and Nate, both respond, hilariously and in unison, “That’s Chuck Bass.”  (He’s got them trained SO WELL!)

CHUCK APPROVES!

Both Nate and Chuck immediately get the chance to put Chuck’s “Just say yes,” philosophy to the test, when Chuck somehow gets mistaken for a stuntman, and Nate gets pulled in to an audition for a role on the film.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t they have already cast all the parts, considering the movie is almost done filming?  Just sayin . .  .)

Now, it’s Serena’s turn, she heads over to the producer, and is immediately offered more responsibility on the film set.  I’d say the producer just wants to get into her pants like everybody else on this show but she’s female, and at least seems to be straight.  So, I guess Serena is just REALLY good at getting coffee and carring around piles of paper!  When Serena leaves “the meeting,” her grumbly, and now extremely jealous, boss, Douchey McPussFace informs her that SHE has been given HIS task list for the rest of the day.

“I totally hate you, right now but I’d still have sex with you.”

 If she finishes all the tasks listed by noon, she can attend some swanky Hollywood party.  Serena excitedly accepts the challenge.  But I’m already not trusting this Douchey McPussFace as far as I can throw him . . .

This exchange is interrupted by Chuck performing an impromptu jump off a high platform onto what looks like the BIGGEST BED EVER!  And I am so turned on watching this, it is not even funny.  Apparently, the cougar in charge of stunts feels the same way, because she immediately accepts Chuck’s offer for a date .  . .

Louis-Bot Makes Amends

 After being scolded by Blair, for being such a Mama’s Boy / Weenie, and not sticking up for her on all things wedding, Louis-Bot is programmed to placate Blair by inviting her to the Non-Royal FORBIDDEN assembly speech / dinner thingy.   Blair is thrilled, but still not satisfied.  So, she decides to wear a SCANDALOUS green dress to the event to test Louis-Bot’s ability to stand by his woman.

But then, when it comes time for the EPIC Dinner, Louis-Bot is nowhere to be found.  So, Blair begins to think she has been stood up, and wonders whether she has made a mistake in agreeing to marry this Wussy Pants . . .  YES!  IT’S A MISTAKE!  He’s a cyborg!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

My own personal reservations aside, Louis-Bot actually has a REALLY good reason for not picking up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner Thingy.  And it has to do with a certain Dopey Donut, and his former friend, Manessa . . .

Donut on the Run . . .

At another Artist and Writer Baseball Game, Dan’s former internship boss, back in Season 2, and current writer friend, remarks about a certain Anonymous manuscript that is making the rounds in the literary world.  Apparently, a chapter of it is set to be published in Vanity Fair relatively soon.  The writer mentions it to Dan because the main protagonist has his same initials as the young aspiring author, and a similar writing style. (Yeah, real CREATIVE, DONUT!)

Wow, someone really likes to read! 

Dopey Donut immediately realizes that the Anonymous Novel in question is HIS, about BLAIR, and apparently, though it is not explicitly stated, it ends with a rather explicit sex scene between the soon-to-be royal Queen B and Dan Humpty Dumpty’s alter ego.

“Damn you, Manessa!”

“That’s right.  Even when I’m NOT on the show, I ruin everything!”

Freaked out about the idea of Blair reading this article, Dopey Donut goes to the only person he thinks might be able to help him . . . Louis-Bot.  Dopey Donut catches Louis on the way to pick up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy, and warns him that he HAS to stop publication on this story, or it could mean some serious embarrassment for his future wife.

Louis-Bot, who really does seem to love Blair, despite the fact that he barely knows her, and is virtually incapable of conveying real emotion, due to his being a robot, agrees to help . . .

Weed is GOOD (unless you’re a drug addict . . .)

NATE:  “I don’t think we’re in New York anymore, Serena.”

SERENA:  “Umm . . . we haven’t been in New York all summer.”

NATE:  “Sh*t.  I am so high right now . . .” 

Having completed the last item on Douchey McPussFace’s list: “Get medicinal weed for the lead actor in the film.”  (Ummm . . . don’t you need to have some kind of license to do that?), Serena and Nate walk the streets of Hollywood,  en route to their first celebrity bash.

“I think I’m getting a contact high.” 

Stoner Nate, of course, can’t stop jabbering on excitedly about the amazing variety of pot in LA, as compared to the garden variety spliff he’s stuck with in NYC.  Nate then admits that for the past few seasons lately, he’s been kind of lost in really bad story lines, with really annoying Special Guest Stars that are completely unrelated to the rest of the characters or plot.  Serena’s been feeling a bit lost herself.  And so, the two of them decide to use this big Fancy, Schmancy Party as an opportunity to “reinvent themselves.”

I love how Nate’s idea of “reinventing himself,” was to pretend that he was some random actor (Chace Crawford, perhaps?) who owned the house where the party was, so that he could have raucous sex with the Cougar Special Guest Star Elizabeth Hurley Diana, who ACTUALLY owned the house.  Umm . . . Nate, isn’t this pretty much what you do at the beginning of EVERY SEASON?  Someone’s seen The Graduate and American Pie a few too many times . . .

“Ahhh . . . love interests . . . they keep getting older, and I keep staying the SAME AGE . . .” 

Lest you think this was just a one-night stand for Nate and Special Guest Star, we later overhear a conversation “Diana” is having with a friend, about her having planned to meet and seduce Nate all along . . .  It sounds like she’s going to go back to NYC and stalk him or something.  I’m still not quite sure what that was all about.   The sex looked pretty good though . . .

As for Serena, she gives the actor his weed, only to learn the completely obvious from the time she first got the list shocking truth that Douchey McPussFace had set her up!

Apparently, the actor she just drug dealed for has a bit of “substance abuse problem.”  In fact, one of the stipulations the production company had for continuing to fund the film was that this actor “stay sober.”

Cue Douchey McPussFace to swoop in and save the day before the actor in question sparked his dooby.  As the actor’s handlers rush to find out who gave him the offending smokes, Serena confronts Douchey McPussFace about what he did.  The dude then starts boohooing about how life is SO hard for him, because he has student loans, and needs this job . . . and how everything comes easy to Serena, who got this job without trying, and could easily get another job just by sleeping with another producer or director batting her eyelashes and asking for it.

Yeah . . . as much as I REALLY don’t like this guy, He was MUCH nicer in those Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies he kind of has a point.  Serena obviously thought so too, because she decided to fess up, and take the blame for the pot distribution.  She then offers to quit the first job she’s ever loved.  *sniffle, sniffle*

But HEY, this is Serena we’re talking about.   And . . . aside from that time when she “killed a man,” and that other time when Crazy Juliet drugged her and made everyone think she was a royal nutbar, NOTHING bad ever happens to Serena.  So, of course, when Serena returns to the set to pack up her stuff, the film’s producer offers her a full time job, working directly for her, as soon as the movie wraps.

So, it looks like Serena is staying in LA . . . for now, anyway . . .  Oooh, Douchey McPussFace probably isn’t going to like that (unless he ends up falling in love with Serena, and sleeping with her, which, knowing this show, he probably will . . .)

Meanwhile, in Chuck Bass land . . .

Oooh . . . WIPEOUT!

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So, while Nate is busting up the bedroom with HIS Cougar, Chuck is riding matching motorcycles with HIS.  They stop back at Chuck’s place to change clothing before heading out again on Mullholland Drive.  The original plan is to take a CAR on this leg of the trip, since the road is notoriously rocky.  However, when Chuck, accidentally finds Blair’s Save the Date invitation, buried underneath a pile of other papers, he decides to brave the road by motorcycle anyway . . .

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While riding, Chuck wipes out in a pretty major way, while riding at top speed.  He looks pretty darn hurt, but when Cougar Lady offers to take him to the hospital, he brushes her off, nonchalantly insisting that the pair keep riding.  This freaks Cougar Lady out enough to realize that Chuck’s daredevil antics bely a darker, and more deep-rooted psychological issue. named “Blair.” (If only she knew!)  She instructs Chuck to get some mental help (an idea that is probably suggested to Chuck at least once EVERY season . . . usually by Blair, herself), and dumps his ass.

Despite the rejection, and his obvious heartbreak, Zen-Master Chuck still has positive words for both Serena and Nate, the morning after the party.  Undoubtedly assuming the voice of both the writers, and many fans, Chuck reminds both Serena and Nate how incredibly lame they’ve been the past few seasons, and backhandedly compliments them on FINALLY getting on the right track, in this episode . . . Serena, by FINALLY taking responsibility for herself and her actions, and Nate, by realizing that being someone else, like Chuck Bass, for example  is way more fun than actually being “Nate.”

“You should write a book or something,” Serena suggests to Chuck, only half kidding.  (Hey, if Dopey Dan can do it, why not him?)

“People like me don’t write books.  We’re written about,” Chuck replies.

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MAN, I love Chuck!  So, do Serena and Nate, apparently, who pull him in for the most adorable three-way group hug EVER!

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This adorableness is repeated again, outside a limousine, as Chuck and Nate prepare to return to NYC, and say goodbye to their pal, Serena, who will be sticking around LA for a little while.  The group open a celebratory bottle of champagne (I guess Serena’s not pregnant!), which promptly spills all over Chuck, forcing him to go into a nearby trailer to dry himself off . . .

Weeeeee!

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In a scene that stands in stark contrast to the joyous ones immediately preceding it, Chuck enters the trailer alone.  Once inside, he quietly looks in the mirror at the large gash on his stomach.  This physical wound is clearly meant to represent how broken and damaged our Bass Man truly is on the inside, despite his carefree, and happy external facade.  The resulting image is both poignant and genuinely heartbreaking (not to mention, a little gross) . . .

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He still has awesome abs, though  . . . That Bass-tard’s been WORKING OUT!

Speaking of heartbreaking . . . (or not, depending on how you feel about babies . . . and weddings) . . .

Baby Got Back . . . Donut Got Dumped.

Donut Dan is trying desperately to determine whether the rest of his book about Blair is about to be published, when the vixen herself appears on his doorstep.

She is distraught over Louis’ believed refusal to take her to the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy . . . so distraught, in fact, that she wants to call off the entire wedding.  Blair tells Dan that he’s the only friend she has on the East Coast now.  So, she asks him if he could help her make an escape.  GO TO LA, GIRLFRIEND!  GO TO LA!

Blair suggests to Dan that the two of them go to his empty place in the Hamptons.  And the Donut immediately agrees, undoubtedly doing a dopey dance on the inside, despite knowing that this little impromptu getaway is being taken under false pretenses, since Louis-Bot, though boring, does not actually lack honor.

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“I’m soooooo getting laid, tonight .   . . It’ll be JUST LIKE IN MY BOOK (except my weiner isn’t a foot long, in real life)!”

Cue the doorbell  It’s Louis-bot.  He’s coming to tell Dan that he’s successfully prevented his short story about Blair from getting published.

“DOH!”

UH OH!  BUSTED!  Now Donut is forced to come clean to Blair about knowing Louis’ positive intentions all along.  “YouKNEW . . . You were going to let me walk away from everything,” exclaims an extremely hurt and betrayed feeling Blair.

Dan has no response to this.  He just stares at Blair with his droopy puppy dog eyes, as she storms out of his apartment with Louis-Bot . . .

As it turns out, the story CHAPTER is the least of Dan’s problems.  Cue the mailman!  Well, what do you know, there’s  a CHECK for $10,000 from Manessa to Dan, congratulating him on having his first FULL novel published . . .

RUH-ROH!

And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Blair’s busy getting ready for her Vogue shoot, dressed in Mommy-Bot’s frumpy wedding dress, when her Mom comes in with a “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book.  She immediately thinks Blair is pregnant, and is FURIOUS!  But guess what?  The book is DOROTA’S, who’s apparently pregnant with Baby #2, and THRILLED that she’s been deemed important enough to make it onto gossip girl.

Zzzzzzz!  Seriously?   That’s what we’ve been waiting all summer to find out!

But wait . . . it’s not over until the pregnant lady sings, right?  Out at the photo shoot, Louis-Bot proves himself worthy of Blair’s love once again, by insisting that she appear in the photo shoot with her choice of bouquet.  It’s a nice gesture, and a symbolic step in the right direction for Louis-Bot, in terms of his putting Blair before Mommy-Bot in his marriage . . . It’s too bad he’s still boring.

“Seamstress say WHAT?!” 

Then in the  not particularly surprising ultimate shocker, Blair’s seamstress inquires of Blair how far along she is, noticing that her measurements have been rapidly expanding.

Blair denies the pregnancy allegation, but the frantic look on her face says otherwise.  If her seamstress can already tell that she’s pregnant, how long before EVERYONE knows?  And, perhaps, more importantly, who’s the daddy?  Will this a Baby Louis-Bot?

Or a Baby Bass?

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Or did the Dopey Donut somehow manage to insert his coin in the Queen B’s slot off camera?

Only time (and, perhaps, a paternity test) will tell.  But, suffice to say, things are about to get ROYALLY UGLY .  . .

In other, kind of random news . . .

Poison Ivy Blues

At the end of the episode, we see that faux-Charlie / Ivy / “Call me Serena” is in LA, working at a restaurant with her boyfriend, and, most certainly, up to no good.  Serena, of course, enters the restaurant right when “Ivy” is supposed to start her shift, but still thinks she’s “Rich Charlie,” and starts talking her up, as if they are actually cousins or something.  Not wanting to give up the jig just yet, Ivy ditches her waitressing shift, and walks off with Serena, continuing to play up her false identity.

Hey there!  I just pretended I was you during sex . . .

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AW-KWARD!

This can’t end well . . .

And there you have it folks, the Gossip Girl Season 5 premiere in a diamond-encrusted nutshell.  So, what did you think?  Were you as bothered as I was by the separation of Blair from her Non-Judging Breakfast Club . . . or the COMPLETE lack of Chair interaction?   How do you like the new Chuck Bass, and Serena’s new LA home?  What about Nate’s NEW Cougar, do you think she will be as dull and pointless as the rest of his non-main cast member girlfriends?  Or will this time be different?  And, most importantly, who do you think is the daddy?

Please sound off in the comment section, below.   Until next week . . . XOXO!

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Redemption, Thy Name is Chuck Bass (Charlie, Thy Name is Ivy?) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Finale “The Wrong Goodbye”

CHUCK:  ‘So, Blair (other half of “Chair”), maybe you could explain to me how, even though we crashed this Bar Mitzvah, somehow you and I end up the stars of the Chair Dance, an honor typically only bestowed on the Bar Mitzvah boy and his parents?”

BLAIR:  “Maybe it’s supposed to foreshadow something?”

CHUCK: “Like the Super Hot Sex we are about to have  in the conveniently-located private room, right outside the reception hall?”

BLAIR: “Like the fact that we are about to become parents.”

CHUCK: “You know, they should really start handing out condoms at Bar Mitzvahs, given the whole ‘boy turning into a man’ theme, and all . . .”

We wanted it, and we got it, Chair fans: The Redemption of Chuck Bass!  After weeks of agonizing and hand-wringing over the whole “pretending to love Raina” thing, and the “drunkenly breaking glass on Blair’s face” thing, Team Chuck was finally rewarded.  This week, fans got the opportunity to hear our King Bass say to his Queen B. everything we have wanted him to say to her, since the couple’s devastating breakup at the end of “The Witches of Bushwick.”

Chuck Bass rescued Blair Waldorf tonight, and not just from Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Russell Thorpoop either . . .

“Yes, I’ll admit it.  I’m an adult who likes to play with fire.   How else did you think I ended up bald?”

Through his eloquent words, Chuck rescued Blair from her fear that she was not a successful enough woman, in her own right, to be coupled with a powerful man.  He also rescued her from her belief that love and happiness were two mutually exclusive emotions.  And, perhaps, most importantly, he rescued her from those pesky panties she was wearing . . .

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This is NOT your mother’s Chairytale!

And though things didn’t end quite the way we had hoped for Chuck and Blair in “The Wrong Goodbye” (an apt title, if ever there was one), the growth Chuck has undergone as a character this season, coupled with the personal sacrifices he made for the happiness of the woman he loves, this week, have proven, without a doubt, that Chuck Bass deserves to be with Blair Waldorf.  And he will be with her . . . eventually.

Patience, my dear Waldorf!  There’s always Season 5!

But this Season Finale wasn’t ALL about Chair (about 98% of it was), “The Wrong Goodbye” also treated us to some Crazy Charlie(?) shenanigans, a bit of Georgina hilarity, and a few dryly humorous meta-references, courtesy of the Three Kings of Snark, Dan Humphrey, Nate Archibald, and Eric van der Woodsen . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Upper East Siders, let’s get on with the recap?

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

MANESSA:  “I can’t believe this is my last episode of Gossip Girl, EVER!  I’m really going to miss you guys!  But, hey, maybe I can come back for a few guest appearances next season?”

SERENA:  “I doubt it.   They’ve already converted your trailer into a gym for the rest of the cast.”

In a scene that would absolutely NEVER happen under normal GG circumstances (and is ONLY happening because it is Jessica Szohr’s last appearance on the show, and the writers want to throw her a bone, by giving her some lines, and a teensy bit of character redemption), Serena and Manessa are riding to Constance Prep together, in search of an off-her-meds, wacked-out Charlie.  Manessa explains that Charlie, had to leave college after “Single White Female-ing” her roommate.  And now, evidently, she is doing the same thing to Serena.  (“Thanks for the explanation, Manessa!  We would NEVER have figured that out, otherwise,” The Recapper says sarcastically.)

For the record, the only time I EVER want to be watching the inside of a limo on Gossip Girl, is when THIS is happening inside of it . . .

Meanwhile, in Bromantic Buddy News . . .

. . . Dan and Nate are getting gossipy at the bar over at Constance Prep.  Dan “Screw and Tell” Humphrey is overly eager to fill Nate in on his Principal Office sexcapades with Belongs in a Strait-Jacket Barbie.

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Initially, Nate, not surprisingly, reacts the same way most of us fans did when we heard Charlie utter “Call me Serena” during sex, by laughing hysterically at the poor girl’s expense.

“Apparently, ‘Call me Serena,’ is the New ‘What’s My Name, B*tch?'”

But, of course, Nate is DUDE.  And for most dudes, a little schizophrenia CERTAINLY isn’t going to get in the way of a good lay!  “Just tell her ‘That’s not necessary,’ and get back to doing whatever it is you were going to do,” instructs Nate.

THIS . . . coming from the guy who once thought Raccoon Zombie, Little J was a “great catch.”

Nate, I love you to pieces.  But it’s characters like you that always die first in horror movies.  Just sayin’.

The GG writers continue to laugh at their own absurdity, when Dan sees Chuck entering the party, and wonders why the dude isn’t in rehab, like Gossip Girl said he was.

For the record, I would totally watch a show in which GG’s Alcoholic Chuck, got together TVD’s resident alcoholics, Damon and Alaric,  and entered into some kind of CW Character rehab .  . .

Speaking of Chuck, he’s just found Mama Waldorf (who’s new haircut is SO not cute, by the way), and is inquiring about Blair’s whereabouts . . .

“You know, sometimes I get bored hooking up with the dude who played the nerdy teacher in Clueless.  So, if you are ever in the market for a ‘mature and experienced’ woman . . .”

Clearly, tired of Chuck playing paddleball with her daughter’s emotions, Eleanor Waldorf really goes for the jugular, telling Chuck that he should let Blair go, and calling him, among other things, a “Fantasy Destroyer,” and “The Big Bad Wolf.”  When I heard the latter name being used to describe Chuck, part of me expected him to do something like this . . .

But, instead, he just walks away.  LAME.

Then, Serena and Vanessa arrive at the party, causing the entire Scooby Gang, except Blair, to unite, for a not particularly subtle recap of the season’s current dangling plot threads . . .

“Previously . . . on Gossip Girl . . .”

More self-referential humor abounds, when Eric agrees to help the group with whatever scheme they have cooking, provided it doesn’t require, among other things, stopping a wedding, running a Ponzi scheme, or giving anybody Fake Cancer.

“I take pride in knowing that I am the only character on this show who recognizes how ridiculous we all are.”

Then Blair’s old high school minions pop by, wondering when Eric VDW got so hot.  (It’s called puberty, girls.  You should try it sometime.)  Though Eric gently reminds the minions that he is “still gay,” they are not discouraged.  “That means you CAN dance!”  They exclaim. 

Ahh . . . gay stereotypes . . . We truly ARE back in high school, aren’t we?

“Those darn, meddling kids!”

Chuck and Nate then head to the roof of the school (probably to snort coke, or something).  And, Raina magically appears.  Apologies abound, as Nate apologizes to Chuck for spilling the beans to Raina about her father “accidentally” murdering her mother. Raina apologizes to Chuck for telling her wackadoo dad she doesn’t love him anymore, thereby sending Pops off the deep end.  And Chuck apologizes to Raina for getting her involved in the most uninteresting relationship on Gossip Girl, since Serena and Ben, and ANYBODY and Vanessa . . .

This lovefest is interrupted by the ringing of Chuck’s cell phone . . .

“No, I’m not interested in joining the Steak of the Month Club!  Stupid Telemarketers!”

As you might recall from last week, Lex Luthor-wannabe Russell Thorpoop, having been “fingered”  (It sounds so dirty!) in the murder of his wife, by his own daughter, has somehow decided that REPEATING the crime that got him in trouble in the first place (namely, burning down a new hotel, with a Bass’ lover in side of it), will solve all his problems.  Talk about not learning from past mistakes!

“It was either this, or reorganizing my doll collection.”

With her life on the line, Blair means to call 911.  But since three numbers are SO hard to remember, she calls Chuck instead.  (HE’S Number 1 on her Speed Dial!  Take that Prince Louis . . . and Serena . . . and Dorota!)  Wanting to give Chuck an idea of where she is, without cluing Russell in to the fact that she is making the call, Blair employs the MOST OBVIOUS DIALOGUE EVER!  “Why are you doing this to me.  . . You brought me to the rooftop of Chuck’s new hotel in Brooklyn, by pretending Chuck was in trouble, and are now threatening to kill me!”  Blair emotes comically.

“There you go, Blair!  That’s exactly what people sound like when they are talking to their prospective killers!  Russell will never suspect a thing.”

Chuck hears this on the other end of his cell phone, and SOMEHOW pieces together what is happening to Blair.  (The man is a GENIUS!)  Little Bass then rushes to his new hotel site with Nate and Raina, hot on his heels.  At some point during all this, our rescue gang calls 911.  Interestingly enough, even though I’m sure there are, in fact, cops in Brooklyn, and Chuck and Co., traveling ALL THE WAY FROM MANHATTAN,  the trio miraculously arrives on the scene before the NYPD.  And yet I will not complain about such petty details, because the cop’s ineptitude gave me THIS . . .

Awwww!

Like every dumb comic book villain, Russell Thorpoop chooses to blather on about how he’s going to screw Chuck over by killing Blair, rather than actually DOING IT.  While the camera is focused on Russell, Chuck and Blair have time to have a little rooftop sex session, with Nate watching of course.  (At least that’s what they are doing in my head.) 

Then Raina comes forward and tells her dad that he is going to prison for life, and that she is never visiting him!  Honestly, I haven’t liked Raina THIS much, since her character smoked pot for the first time, and beat Nate at “Dance, Dance, Revolution.”

“This bud’s for YOU!”

Of course, after the whole ordeal,  Raina decides she wants to leave the show Manhattan for good.  And Nate pretends to be genuinely upset.  But we know secretly, he’s thrilled to have a chance at a GOOD storyline, with a love interest who’s actually a MAIN CHARACTER, for a change.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty, water-colored, memories . . of the way we were.”

Meanwhile, back at Constance .  .  .

Step Aside, Amateurs!  Because NO ONE does crazy, like Georgia Sparks!

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Georgina Sparks is back in town.  As it turns out, being a Baby Mama / Real Housewife of Westchester County isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  So, when Georgina hears that the Scooby Gang is banding together to “rescue” Charlie from her own insanity, Georgina is eager to help them come up with a plan.  And she offers her services to LITERALLY everybody in the cast, whether or not they ask for it.

Man, I miss Georgina!  None of GG’s villains (with the exception, of perhaps, Jack Bass) have ever even came close to the level of naughty fun and hilarity she added to the show.  Aside from having some of the best one-liners ever,  (“I’m going to go get drunk enough to find you interesting.”), Georgina always stood out from the rest of baddies.  After all, when she wasn’t busy making the other character’s lives miserable, she really WAS one of the gang, playing a key role in many of the gang’s most successful schemes.

“I miss you!  You really GET ME!”  Georgina calls out to Serena, after being once again rebuffed by her frienemy.

In fact, we feel Georgina’s pain when she wonders (along with the rest of us) why ON EARTH Manessa got to be part of the Rescue Charlie games that night, while Georgina was left out in the cold.  And, of course, it was GEORGINA, Queen of Scams, who figured out IMMEDIATELY that Charlie wasn’t exactly who she said she was, and gave the girl her number, written on a napkin.  Crazy “Charlie” and Crazier Georgina . . . something tells me these two are going to be quite the Scary Pair in Season 5.

Speaking of “Call Me Serena” . . .

Lamest Suicide Attempt Ever!

“Oh, would you just JUMP already!  I’m missing American Idol for this!”

So, Crazy Charlie is supposedly all sad about Dan rejecting her for her Serena Sex Fetish.  So, she starts getting all self-destructive and drinking liquor RIGHT OUT OF THE BOTTLE . . . at a Glorified HIGH SCHOOL DANCE!

“Hey, Headmistress!  Maybe you should spend less time telling your old students how disappointed you are in their life choices, and more time CHAPERONING the UNDERAGE BOOZE INTAKE!”

Then, after texting Serena “Goodbye”  (Suicide Texts are SO last season!), Charlie finds a window and pretends to jump out of it, by half-assedly dangling one leg outside of it.  Surprise!  Serena gets there just in time.  So, Charlie starts boo hooing about how nobody looooooveeesss her, and everybody haaaaaates her, and Serena is so much beeeeetttter. 

Remembering Mistress Queller’s thinly-veiled insults about her decision to stay in New York, and the Mini Mes’ criticisms about her inability to choose between Dan and Nate (She chose the “guy who tried to kill [her] instead”) . . .

“For a pedophile, attempted murderer, that Ben guy SURE WAS BORING!”

 . . . Serena explains to Charlie that she’s not nearly as cool as no one everyone thinks she is.  After all, her whole life she has never made any real decisions for herself.  Somehow, hearing what a loser Serena is brings Charlie back from “Brink of Death,” which I guess I would be more excited about, if I gave two craps about her character . . .

“See you in Season 5, Bitches!”

Nonetheless, Charlie decides the Upper East Side is not for her.  So, she heads back to Florida, where she feels she belongs.  And . . . here comes the twist.

When “Charlie” gets off the bus in Florida, and meets with Carol Rhodes, we learn that she is not really “Charlie” at all.  Rather, she is “Ivy,” an actress hired by Carol to impresonate “Charlie” and gain access to Charlie’s trust account, left to her by her grandmother. 

Ivy returns a series of trust account check books to Carol, prompting Carol to say that now the van der Woodsens will never be tempted to find the REAL Charlie.  (Why Carol, what did you do, eat her?)  Of course, after the pair of near-strangers part ways, we learn that Ivy has kept one of the trust account check books for herself.  In Ivy’s final moments, we see her dig out Georgina’s number from her bag, and stare at it intently.  I smell trouble, Upper East Siders!

Speaking of storylines, I didn’t care too much for, until their final moments . . .

Adios, Manessa!  Don’t let la puerta hit you, where Dios split you!

Manessa’s new address in Spain, i.e. the place where you should start forwarding all your hate mail . . .

So, after pretending to care about Charlie and her suicide, Manessa, surprise, surprise, takes it upon herself to start stalking Dan’s apartment, and rifling through his papers, while he’s not home.  (Note to Dan:  GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!)  Manessa “miraculously” comes upon a manuscript Dan has apparently been working on for five years, which, to me seems like it’s probably Books 1 through 5 of the Gossip Girl Series.  The novel is called “Inside.”   Manessa, of course, assumes that if she can get Dan to publish it, then his friends (most of whom are portrayed like shallow a$$holes in it) will all abandon him, so, she can get back INSIDE his pants . . .

“Can’t blame a girl for trying!”

Manessa calls Dan and babbles on about how Ahhh-mazing his writing is!  She then scolds him for spending his whole life wanting so desperately to be part of the in-crowd, and warns him not to let his desire for popularity get in the way of his “art.”  (Well, one thing can be said about Manessa, SHE doesn’t let popularity get in the way of anything!  Then again, since everybody despises her, she doesn’t have to!) 

Manessa also hints that some people, other than Serena, will really like the way they are portrayed in the book.  And I can’t tell whether she’s referring to herself or Blair. 

“I wrote nice things about Manessa?” Clearly, I was on drugs.”

However, whether or not Dan had fond feelings toward Manessa, when he first started writing the manuscript five years ago, he certainly doesn’t have them now.  “When are you going to realize that it’s better to be a Great Man, than a Good Boy?”  Manessa demands.

“And when are you going to realize that I had a better life, before you climbed up my fire escape four years ago!”  Dan replies.

NEVER in the entire history of Gossip Girl have I been more proud of DAN HUMPTY DUMPTY than I am RIGHT NOW!  High five, Dan!

Any realism that was created by this scene is IMMEDIATELY destroyed when Manessa just randomly happens to appear at a publishing office.  The HEAD of publishing then READS the anonymous manuscript given to him by NOBODY Manessa, immediately touts the author as the next Jonathan Safran Foer, and agrees to publish the book, while sending Manessa royalty checks at her new address in Spain.

OK, as someone who has spent YEARS of her life trying to get books published, SCREW YOU, GOSSIP GIRL!  I understand the plot point.  And I applaud you for ridding us of Manessa, but this was just plain MEAN!

*takes deep breath*

OK . . . I think I’ve calmed down.  On to bigger and better storylines . . .

“The Best Loves are the Crazy Ones”

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Back in Brooklyn, having disposed of Crazy Russell Thorpoop, Blair suddenly remembers that she has to meet Louis at Constance Prep and prove to him that she still loves him.  Chuck offers to drive her there.  But since Blair doesn’t really seem to love Louis all that much, she promptly agrees to keep her “future husband” waiting just a little longer, so that she can crash a random Bar Mitzvah with Chuck.  (You can’t beat an open bar, right?)

Freed from the constraints of being stalked by Gossip Girl, and the pressures of their day-to-day lives, Chuck and Blair let loose in ways we’ve never seen them do in their entire time on the show.  This involves a bit of laughter, a whole lot of smiling, and, yes, some REALLY, REALLY, RIDICULOUSLY BAD dancing to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”

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It’s nice to see that Chuck and Blair have the ability to have fun together and enjoy one another’s company, even when they are doing other things besides scheming, and having amazing sex . . .

Speaking of sex, after Chuck and Blair ride the chairs together (sounds kinky!), and leave a nice fat check with the Bar Mitzvah Boy, they head off into the nearest semi private room and  . . . um . . . roll in the deep together . . .

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When these Chairs are rockin’, don’t come a knockin!

Well, there’s nothing like good sex to spark a life-changing epiphany!  Blair realizes immediately after experiencing innumerable “O’s” with Chuck, that there is no way she can go back to life with the Prince.  “You love him, don’t you?”  Chuck asks.

“But not like I love you.   His love is lighter.  Our love is intense.  It always pulls us in.  What’s real happiness in the face of that?”  Blair replies. 

And while what she is saying is clearly true, in terms of the Chair relationship . . .  it does sound like an odd endorsement for love, especially coming right after all the bad dancing and happy humping, in which she and Chuck had engaged just moments earlier. 

I don’t know!  They look pretty happy to me!

Nonetheless, Chuck again offers to drive Blair to Constance to confront Louis.  Given that the dance has long since ended, Chuck and Blair are actually shocked to find Louis still waiting alone for Blair’s arrival.  “I knew you’d come,” says Louis, upon seeing her appear, not seeming the least bit concerned that Chuck is by her side. 

AWKWARD!

Just when Blair is about to let the Prince down easy, Chuck intervenes.  “You have my blessing,” he says, shaking Louis’ hand graciously.  “I couldn’t be more happy you two are getting married.”

Shocked, Blair pulls Chuck aside, wanting to know why the HELL he did that!  (You and me BOTH, Blair!  You and me, both!)

And Chuck’s explanation as to why he is sacrificing the love of his life and his own happiness, to save Blair’s, is more beautiful and poignant than anything viewers could have anticipated.  And yet, it is also heartbreakingly sad.  Just when Chuck has finally proven to Blair, and to us fans, that he CAN make Blair happy, that he IS a good enough person, and a strong enough man, to give her everything she needs in a mate, THIS is the moment when he decides that he must let her go, for her own good.

Sound familiar, TVD fans?

I’m going to post the dialogue in its entirety here, before discussing it more in detail:

Fans of Veronica Mars, will undoubtedly remember the speech that Logan made to Veronica, during Season 2, about their love story being EPIC, “spanning years and continents, lives ruined, and bloodshed . . . They don’t write love songs about the ones that come easy,” he told her.

And I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blair Waldorf was a Veronica Mars fan, when she made that comment about the Great Loves, being the Crazy Ones.  She even made a similar argument to Logan that literature, sonnets and music tended to be written more about the CRAZY and EPIC love stories, than about the mundane and easy ones.  And, honestly, these two TV couples share a lot in common with one another.  Both Logan and Chuck are dark and tortured souls, who, each in their own way, are difficult to love.  And yet they love harder than any bright and sunny person on the planet.

Another notable line during this exchange was Chuck’s reference to the fact that, back in Season 3, he had waited only two minutes on top of the Empire State Building for Blair to meet him and accept his marriage proposal, before leaving to sleep with the Raccoon Zombie, whereas Louis waited all night . . .

Of course, to me, this says less about the extent of Chuck’s love for Blair, and more about his lack of faith in himself.  Unlike Chuck, Louis seemed certain that Blair would return to him.  But, had Chuck not intervened, he would have been WRONG!  How important is faith in love?  This is something Blair will have to figure out for herself, in the coming months . . .

And, finally, I loved Chuck’s insistence that Blair recognize how powerful she is.  After all, the initial reason that Blair had broken up with Chuck, earlier this seaso,n is that she felt she needed to prove herself a powerful and successful woman, before she could align herself with a powerful and successful man.  But Blair has always been a powerhouse, in her own right, a woman who has time, and time, again shown her strength and intelligence.  And I suspect she will continue to do so, with or without a man at her side . . .

In the end, just like during their last break up, Blair and Chuck conclude their relationship by telling one another that they will always love eachother.  On one hand, it’s a depressing, and totally ass backward, way to end a relationship.  In another way, it is uplifting, and provides hope that these two will someday (hopefully sooner, rather than later) find their way back to one another once again. 

But, for now, Blair is walking off into the sunset with Prince Charming, just like in the fairytales.  But will they live Happily Ever After?  Knowing the GG writers, probably not.

Epilogue

We cut to a few weeks later, and learn that Blair will be spending the summer in Monaco with Louis.  She is also planning a November wedding, to which the entire Upper East Side Crew is invited . . .

Chuck comes to VDW mansion to see her off, and the two kiss one another wistfully, as “friends.”  And though they are both being all nice and mature, we, of course, don’t believe any of it, not even for a second . . .

Speaking of Chuck, he and Nate plan to spend the summer months traveling the world together, just as Blair and Serena did the summer before . . .

 . . . while Dan goes to the Hamptons to “write.”  Meanwhile, Serena spends time alone on the beach, where, miraculously, some young screenwriter and producer, just so happen to be adapting the ONE BOOK SHE HAS EVER READ THAT DOESN’T HAVE PICTURES IN IT, (appropriately titled “The Beautiful Damned” . . . just like her) into a film, and EQUALLY MIRACULOUSLY require her help to do so . . .

(Oh, you go right ahead, GG!  Just keep digging that knife deeper into aspiring writers’ chests.  It’s nice to know that it is SO easy for “brilliant” people like Serena and Dan to find success in the literary world.)

OH . . . and I almost forgot to mention, SOMEONE left THIS in the wastebasket of Blair Waldorf’s bedroom . . .

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Could there be a little Bass-tard on it’s way? 

So, that’s where the gang left off for the summer . . . each on their separate journies, which, of course, are destined to intertwine in innumerable ways, as the Summer comes to a close.  But, for now, the Summer is just beginning, both for the Upper East Siders, and for US!  So, enjoy it, Gossip Girl fans!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Two Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Shattered Bass”

“Remember when I got really wasted . . . and punched a glass window . . . and  glass shattered .  . . and some of it hit Blair in the face?   NO?  That’s good, because I don’t really remember it either.  Ah, the wonders of Drunken Binges and Rage Blackouts not to mention schizophrenic, often ridiculous, but still oddly entertaining, episode writing.”

So, I think after last week’s episode, a lot of us thought (hoped?) that this episode would focus on Chuck’s  immense guilt over how he behaved during “The Princesses and the Frog,” and his quest to right the wrongs in his life, while winning back the woman of his dreams . . .

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Well, as it turns out . . . not so much.  Instead, the episode focused on two Evil Looney Tunes . . .

Wrong Evil Looney Tunes!

Those are the ones!

 . . . and two very important lessons:  (1) NEVER forget to take your anti-psychotic meds, or you may just end up in the principal’s office, begging the guy you’re crushing on to call you another person’s name during sex . . .

CHARLIE:  “Call me, Serena!”

DAN:  “But . . . I thought your name was, Charlie.”

CHARLIE: *whistles awkwardly*

DAN:  “Oh I get it!  This is your polite way of telling me that you are a F&*KING NUTBALL, and of reminding me that the guy who played my role in Single White Female ended up being hacked to death by a stiletto heel . . .

CHARLIE:  “Pretty much . . .”

 . . . and (2) DON’T, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, tell Nate Archibald ANYTHING, unless you want the Whole World to know . . .

“Tell me your troubles, and I will sing them from mountaintops.  I’m like a low-tech Gossip Girl, in that way.”

Now, from a “Character Development” perspective, this was VERY bad form, on the part of Gossip Girl.  After all, by this point, I think it’s pretty obvious to most fans that Chuck and Blair are intended by the writers to be one another’s “endgame” . . .

Chemistry like this doesn’t come in a bottle . . . and can overcome even the shoddiest of plot devices.

So, as a writer, if you plan to tear down one of the character’s in your Endgame SHIP in the eyes of fans, in order to promote drama, angst, and a ratings bump, the least you could do is attempt to redeem him, by illustrating some remorse on his part for what he has done.  Aside from a few throwaway lines from Chuck, we didn’t really get that this week, which was somewhat disappointing.  On the other hand, Gossip Girl is a show written predominately for entertainment.  And “Shattered Bass” was nothing, if not entertaining . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

A Dream is a Wish Your Chuck Makes  . . .

Those “Classic Movie” Dream Sequences Blair often has at the beginning of an episode are really weird, aren’t they?  I know they are often meant to illustrate what’s going through Blair’s mind, in a “cute and quirky” way.  But, honestly, we didn’t need a dream sequence to tell us that Blair was having difficulty choosing between Prince Louis and Chuck, did we?  I mean, how dense do these writers think we are? 

I don’t even know what movie this was supposed to be!  (Someone on Tumblr said it was Roman Holiday.  Must have missed that one on my Netflix Queue.)  Oh . . . and I didn’t like Blair’s hair in the dream either. You would think Sleeping Blair would have better taste than that . . . 

Anywho .  . .

We cut to the Empire Hotel, where Chuck doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the brand new GAPING HOLE in his window.  (What if the birds fly in and crap, on his expensive furniture?)  He also doesn’t seem to understand at all why Nate is mad at him, which is a bit disconcerting.  (Though, in Chuck’s defense, Nate probably should have spent less time, judgmentally staring at Drunk Chuck, as the latter took his anger out on that Mean Ole Window, and more time TRYING TO STOP CHUCK FROM ACCIDENTALLY HURTING HIMSELF AND BLAIR.)

“It’s a good thing I’m so pretty.  Because I tend to suck ROYALLY, most of the time.”

(By the way, I’ve been trying to figure out how much time has passed in between last week’s episode and this one?  Based solely on Chuck and Nate’s conversation, I assumed it was just the next morning.  But then things happened later in the episode  — like Blair’s parents’ impromptu planning of herengagement party — that made me think at least a few days had past.  Perhaps, the timeline was left intentionally ambiguous, due to the way the writers had opted to ignore treat Chuck’s storyline, from last week.)

So, Nate announces to Chuck that he is going to be staying over at Raina’s for a few days.  And Chuck basically responds by saying, “Suit yourself, Lame-o!  Get out and stay out!  I own this ENTIRE HOTEL!”

CHUCK:  “I bet RAINA’S apartment doesn’t have a Wii Entertainment System, or a lifetime supply of POT.”

NATE:  “I am so screwed . . .”

Charlie’s Angels (are probably on vacation)

“This one time . . . at band camp . . . I murdered my boyfriend in his sleep . . .  by shoving so many candies down his throat that he choked on them.  Would you like a Gummi Bear?”

Those of you (like me) who were INSANELY excited that Manessa was “studying abroad,” and, therefore, would be out of our hair for good . . .

 .  . . were probably a tad disappointed to see her again toward the beginning of this episode . . .

As it turns out, Manessa (having just been burned by Charlie, while trying to screw SERENA and BLAIR).  Now, all the sudden, is back to wanting to “help” Serena defeat Charlie . . .

“Please talk to me.  Otherwise, I won’t have any lines in this episode, and they won’t pay me.”

Initially, at least, Serena tells Manessa to F*&k OFF!

Cut to Dan Humphrey Dumpty’s House, where Charlie is telling Dan that her favorite book is Flowers in the Attic, which, among other things, is about a brother and sister, who occasionally like to DO IT with one another . . .

This really should have been Dan’s first sign that all was not kosher in Charlie-land . .  .

But as we know, all too well, Oh Danny Boy, is SUPER NAIVE, not to mention, a real Sucker for the Psychos.  And so he invites Charlie to the Charity Ball taking place that night Blair’s and Serena’s old high school.  Charlie then, not so subtly, brings up Dan’s and Serena’s high school relationship, which Dan seems almost too eager to discuss with her.  This is something that people in the BIZ like to call . . . FORESHADOWING . . .

CHARLIE:  “Mmmm . . .  mind if I pretend you’re my brother?”

The Return of Cyrus Rose (and Blair’s Deliciously Nasty Sense of Humor)

“Drink Vitamin Water . . . or Blair Waldorf will NOT be your friend.”

After some ridiculously blatant, and completeley obnoxious, product placement / advertising for a company that shall remain nameless SEE ABOVE.  Blair’s Ma and Step-Pa discuss with their daughter plans for her upcoming engagement party.  Specifically, they talk about how they plan to use said party to win over Princess Sophie, and convince her that Blair is, in fact, Princess Material.  When Serena enters the room, Eleanor (who undoubtedly didn’t watch last week’s episode of Gossip Girl.  FOR SHAME, Eleanor!) politely inquires whether Serena will be attending the party in Blair’s honor . . .

“Well, I would love to go.  Unfortunately, I already have plans to have sex with a Guest Star during that time . . .”

Before Serena even has time to formulate an answer, Blair’s got HER response, ready and waiting.  “YOU are not invited.  I’d like to actually be engaged when it’s over.”

Serena can’t, for the life of her, understand why Blair hasn’t forgiven her for attempting multiple times to EMBARASS HER IN FRONT OF A ROYAL FAMILY and TOTALLY RUIN HER LAST CHANCE HAPPINESS.  Talk about holding on to a grudge!  After all it’s been . . .a whole TWO DAYS (maybe?), since this happened!  I mean, come on BLAIR!  What gives?

Of course, Blair’s response to Serena’s whiny / half-assed “I’m sorry” is PURE PERFECTION!  “Like everything else in your life, your apology was underwhelming,” she replies snidely.

Sometimes, I wish I could put Blair Waldorf in my pocket, and keep her there, as I go about my day.  I mean, seriously, how handy would it be to ALWAYS have the perfect nasty remark for EVERY SITUATION?

Speaking of nasty . . .

HEY!  JACK BASS is BACK!

“Hey Raina, do you think there’s any chance your dad would be interested in trading your body for a hotel?”

If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode, Raina called Jack Ass.  It turns out that she wants his help in bringing down Chuck, in order to avenge her mother’s death.  In return for his help, Raina promises Jack Ass the “run of Bass Industries.”  (Now, I’m not entirely sure how SHE can give him this, considering she has NO OWNERSHIP INTEREST WHATSOEVER in the company.  But, no matter!)  Jack Ass, at least initially, seems intrigued by Raina’s offer, but even more intrigued with the notion of breaking into the Thorpe pantalones.  Nate Archibald is not amused .  . .

Always a PRO at being extremely creepy, and Dirty Old Man-esque, but still oddly sexy playing both sides, Jack schedules a meeting with Papa Thorpe, and cuts a deal with HIM too.  Jack Ass promises to personally bring down Chuck Bass, in exchange for a boatload of money.  He also plans to give Russell the one piece of furniture he wishes to “inherit’ from Bart Bass, a key to the dead guy’s old lockbox, which, as we know, is currently located in Chuck’s hotel apartment.

JACK:  “Hey Russell, would you be interested in having sex with me, in exchange for a hotel?”

RUSSELL:  “You don’t OWN any hotels.”

JACK:  “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?”

A Word of Warning (a LOOK of Eye-Fucking)

CHUCK:  “I’m truly sorry for what I did to you, Blair.  It was awful.  And there are no excuses for it.”

BLAIR:  “It’s OK, Chuck.  I get it.  You aren’t a Bad Guy.  You are just written that way, sometimes . . .”

While taking a leisurely city stroll with Louis, and a slightly less acerbic than usual Princess Sophie, Blair spies Jack Ass in the distance.   Knowing trouble when she sees it, the Queen B makes some lame excuse to leave the Royals, so that she can f*&k warn Chuck . . .

“Princess Sophie, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you.  Are you genuinely this miserable all the time, or do your daily Botox injections simply prevent you from smiling?”

Surprisingly more astute than her own son, on matters concerning his fiance, Princess Sophie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl regularly) informs Louis that he should follow Blair, to make sure that she isn’t lying to him, and secretly meeting Chuck behind Louis’ back . . . which . . . of course, she TOTALLY IS!

Since Chuck and Blair will ALWAYS be connected in some way, even when they are not technically together, Blair instantly knows that she will be able to find Chuck on the rooftop of his hotel . . .

“Please!  Don’t jump!  The Raccoon Zombie has been fired from Gossip Girl.  She will never eat our trash again!”

“You finally came to your senses,” says Chuck. 

And though Chuck’s eyes lit up in such a beautiful way, upon seeing the woman he loves, that, under any other circumstances, this moment would have melted my heart, the fact that Chuck said THIS made me want to throw my sneakers at the television screen!  Came to HER SENSES?  Because, just two(?) days after your earning of a Gold Medal in Olympic Wall Punching / Glass Breaking, she’s “finally” willing to talk to you?

Come on, Chuck!  Even NATE thinks that was a douchbag thing to say.  And he’s a total moron!

It’s almost as if Chuck and Serena both coordinated their outfits for the episode, so that they could both be wearing Matching Cloaks of Selfish Entitlement, the first time each spoke with Blair.  “You have no idea what I’ve been going through, since that night,” Chuck explains.    (What YOU’VE been going through, Chuck?   Oh honey!  Someone needs a “How Not to F*&k Up” lesson in Blair wooing STAT!)

In terms of their actual conversation, Blair simply warns Chuck that his Evil Uncle is back in town, and then leaves . . .

But, thanks largely to Ed Westwick’s and Leighton Meester’s superb acting skills, fans can see there is so much more to this reunion than “meets the ear.’  Both Chuck and Blair look at one another with longing, sadness, hope, and the fear of losing their one true love forever.  It’s a simple scene, but one that is both quietly moving, and packs an emotional wallop, as well.

Not surprisingly, Blair is seen leaving the Empire Hotel, by the ONE person who shouldn’t be seeing such things . . .

 

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“Every move you make . . . every vow you break . . . every smile you fake . . . every claim you stake .  . . I’ll be WATCHING YOU!”

Speaking of people who need to be watched . . .

Charlie and the Choco-NUTS Factory

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You’ve really gotta hand it to Rufus Humphrey!  He does the “bewildered and frightened because my son might be screwing a homicidal maniac” look like NOBODY’s BUSINESS . . .

GG fans were blessed with Rufus’ hilarious facial expressions TWICE this episode.   The first time was when he noticed an EMPTY bottle of Charlie’s Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pills, and figured out that she had stopped refilling them.  The second time was after Charlie DID have the pills refilled, but he found them dumped out in the trash can, along with the once-again empty Don’t-Be-So-Crazy pill bottle.

Meanwhile, Charlie has no clue what to wear to the Charity Ball.  And Serena (who TOTALLY freaked out at the notion of Blair kissing Dan once, but, oddly enough, seems not the least bit threatened by Charlie’s “puppy dog” rabid pitbull crush on the guy) suggests that Charlie demand access to, and raid, her personal trust fund, in order to purchase a suitable dress . . .  Gotta love the priorities on this show!

“Ahhh . . . the joys of coming from a filthy rich family, and, never, ever having to work, or have any ambition, whatsoever.”

Charlie follows Serena’s suggestion, and comes back with a suitably expensive dress.  Unfortunately, we never get to see it.  Charlie takes ONE look at a picture of Serena necking with Dan Humpty Dumpty, in the Special Gold Dress that Serena wore during her cotillion, and suddenly, all the circuits short in her brain . . .

Charlie arrives at  Blair’s engagement party looking EXACTLY like Serena van der Woodsen, circa 2007!  And when Serena calls her out on it, part of me is REALLY hoping for a TOTAL Catfight . . .

But alas, Doofus Dan TOTALLY sticks up for Charlie, and takes her to Constance Billard Academy for the Charity Event.  It is there, in the Headmistress’ office, behind closed doors, that THIS happens . . .

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There’s nothing like learning that your new Psycho Girlfriend wants to SWITCH IDENTITIES with your old (Also Kind of Psycho, but in a more normal way) Girlfriend to RUIN THE MOOD!  I guess Serena and Manessa, were right about this one, after all, huh Dan?  (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)

Meanwhile . . .

Show me all your PARTS, Blair!  (Especially the dirty ones.)

“So, when I found out we were going to be dating, I rented the first three seasons of Gossip Girl.  It looks like you enjoy having kinky sex in strange places.  What are your thoughts about having not-particularly-kinky sex in a castle?  If you want, Princess Sophie can WATCH!”

Upon hearing the good news that Princess Sophie has conveniently deemed Blair an acceptable princess for Louis.  (She and Cyrus Rose apparently bonded over a love of birds (?)) . . .

Louis confronts Blair about her little Rooftop Rendezvous with Chuck.  Matching the small scar on Blair’s face with the bandage on Chuck’s hand, Louis puts two and two together, and figures out that Blair Waldorf has some SERIOUSLY dirty little secrets in her closet.  Louis insists that Blair confess her sins secrets to him.  (Why doesn’t he just look them up on Gossip Girl, like his MOM did?)  “If you want us to work, you need to show me everything,” Louis pleads.  “All of your parts .  . . even the ones you are ashamed of.”

Louis and Blair then proceed to makeout . . .

.  . . but not before he gives her an ultimatum.  “Show up at [the Constance Billard Charity Ball], only if you are willing to share your life with me.”

“Geez, dude!  I don’t have time to tell you ALL that!  Just read the books, and be done with it!”

Of course, Blair recognizes that there is only ONE person who loves her for all her Dark and Twisty Parts, as well as her Light and Fluffy ONES.  After all, HE is JUST as dark and twisty as she is . . .

Blair worries that Louis won’t love her anymore, when he learns how much she enjoys sex games, limo sex, and weird black and white movie dreams.  And, of course, the person to whom she chooses to confess all this to is . . . wait for it . . . Cyrus Rose!

“If you would excuse me, for a moment, Blair.  I have . . . ah .  . . a hotdog that needs squeezing.”

Despite being, perhaps, inappropriately turned on by his stepdaughter’s words, Cyrus sweetly convinces Blair to come clean to Louis about her DARKSIDE.  The problem, of course, is that Blair might not make it to the party in time . . .

Russell Gets Burned . . . So he BURNS Someone Else . . .

Who would have thought these three would end up forming the PERFECT Bromantic Trio?

As he had earlier promised to Russell Thorpe, Jack Ass (along with Nate?) confronts a seemingly inebriated Chuck Bass, claiming him to be insane, for what he did to Blair (among other things), and wanting to ship him off to rehab .  . .

Chuck puts on a jolly good show, screaming like a loon, and beating up on both Jack Ass and Nate . . .

CATHARSIS!

“After everything you’ve done to me, I’d be insane NOT to want to beat YOU,” Chuck exclaims.  (And he’s kind of got a point there . . .)

Eventually, Jack Ass’s goons cart Chuck away . . . (or do they?)  Jack Ass then tosses Russell the key to the lockbox he had requested. 

But when Russell returns to the Empire Hotel to search the box, Chuck, Nate, Jack Ass, and some cops are right outside waiting for Russell.  And it is . . . AWESOME!

It’s genuinely nice to know that Jack Ass doesn’t TOTALLY live up to his name.  And that, while he may be willing to buy his nephew’s girlfriend, in exchange for a hotel .  . .

 . . . he’s not quite willing to sell out his own flesh and blood for Russell Thorpoop.  Low and behold, Chuck Bass now magically has footage of Russell locking up the burned down hotel, and leaving his OWN wife in there to DIE . . . all because she wanted to dump him for Bart Bass . . .

“I know . . . I’m such a stud.”

Apparently, BART was the one Russell meant to be killed in the fire, not Avery.  And yet, BART agreed to keep things quiet about the murder, because HE felt partly responsible.  (OK . . .  so basically BART BASS saved YOUR ASS, RUSSELL THORPOOP, and yet, you STILL wanted revenge on his son!  What an Asshat, you are!)

BUSTED!

Seriously Thorpoop!  When BART BASS comes out looking like the Good Guy in a situation, you’ve gotta know you are Pretty F*&king AWFUL human being! 

But, lest things start getting too maudlin, you can always count on Jack Ass to provide some comic relief . . .

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You’ve really gotta love characters who (1) know that what’s going on around them is just completely ridiculous; and (2) seem to understand, instinctively that they are on a TV show, and that none of this really matters.  Jack Bass is CLEARLY one of these characters.  Other, Fabulous Jack Ass gems uncovered, during this episode, include: 

 “Can we call the cops already, so that we can leave.  I’m hungry and all you appear to have in your fridge are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.”

AND

“I can’t choose my entre with Hallmark Hall of Fame playing in the background.  I’m calling the cops.”

DUDE!  I’m keeping this guy in my pocket too!  (But not in the same pocket I’m keeping Blair in.  I don’t want ANY funny stuff, going on in my pants!)

Mommy wants herself some Jack Ass! 

Being the benevolent soul he is, Chuck refuses to take Russell’s company from him, even though it is offered to him, by the desperate loser, who seems more worried that his daughter will find out that he’s a Sadistic Psycho Liller than anything else.  Chuck promises not to tell Raina that her dad killed her mom, provided Russell leave town and never come back. 

With Thorpoop out of the picture, Chuck bids a fond farewell to his Fun Uncle . . .

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All together now:  “Awwwwwww!”

 . . . and heads off to Constance Billard to, in his words, “make sure the nice guy doesn’t win.”  You’ve really gotta hand it to Chuck, I mean here’s a guy who makes no bones about who he is, or what he wants.  And what he wants is THIS . . .

That being said, it really is a shame that Prince Louis ended up being SUCH A NICE GUY .  . . because I suspect even the staunchest of Chair fans are going to feel a bit bad for him, when he inevitably loses the girl . . .

Wrong place, wrong SHIP, buddy!

Two people who will certainly NOT be feeling bad for Louis, however, are Mini Blair and Serena.  (Remember them?)  When Chuck arrives at Constance Billard, these two girls have some words of encouragement for their Male Idol . . .

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“I knew he wouldn’t give up on her.”

As for Blair, she’s on her way to Constance Billard too.  The question is, will she get there in time?

The Part Where Nate Opens his Big Fat Trap and RUINS Everything (Then again, maybe not .  . .)

NATE:  “So, it’s been less an a full episode, since you and I made Chuck’s life miserable. What can we do?”

RAINA:  “Let’s send my father off the deep end, and try to get Blair Waldorf killed.”

NATE:  “Great idea!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

RAINA:  “You tend not to think of anything at all, except for sex and reefers.”

NATE:  “You know me so well . . .”

So, remember when Russell made Chuck promise not to tell Raina that he was O.J. Simpson’s Doppelganger?  It turns out he should have extended the request to EVERYBODY in the room.  Because, of course, Nate just CAN’T WAIT to tell Raina that her father killed her mother. . .  just like he couldn’t wait to tell Raina that CHUCK’S DAD killed her mother, LAST WEEK. 

 In the limo, on the way to Constance Billard, a blubbering Raina confronts her father, and cuts him out of her life for the SECOND time in about two weeks.  (You would think he would be used to this by now.)

“Please Lord, let this interminable storyline be over!”

“Ha ha, that’s what YOU think!”

His reputation tarnished, his daughter having abandoned him again even though I don’t think she ever UN abandoned him, from the first time, Russell feels he has absolutely nothing to lose.  And for the second time this hour, a character’s brain short circuits .  . .

Russell calls Blair, pretending that Chuck wants to jump off the roof of his Hotel, and is asking for her.  Thanks to Russell, Blair rushes immediately to Chuck’s aid.  In doing so, of course, she neglects to visit Louis at Constance Billard, so that they can have their all-important “talk.” 

It’s official.  Crazy Russell is Team Chair!  The problem is, he also seems to want Blair DEAD, as a way of getting vengeance on Chuck for ruining his life.  (Because, remember, as Jack Ass said earlier in the episode, “Nothing sends Chuck Bass off the deep end faster than losing Blair Waldorf.”) 

So, basically, the episode ends with Blair alone on the roof with that Wackadoo Russell Thorpoop . . .

And if you think that Blair is actually going to DIE, than I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.00.   Still, it’s a pretty cool cliffhanger right?  You can check out the promo for next week’s installment of Gossip Girl here . . .

Until then . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]