[A Note about the Gleecap for “Hold on to Sixteen.” It’s on it’s way, I PROMISE. Be on the lookout for it later this evening, December 8th. Sorry for being so very late! :( It’s been a crazy couple of days . . .]
“Hey Blair, I have an idea. Why don’t we NOT get in that death trap of a town car, and have sex right here instead? I mean, I love Limo Sex as much as the next guy. But, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather not spend yet ANOTHER hiatus in a coma.”
Hey there, Upper East Siders (and assorted Brooklynites)! How are you guys doing? Are you holding up OK, after this week’s episode?
MONKEY: “Where’s my Chuck? I need to make a pee-pee!”
Because, I’m not . . .
Case in point: The title of this recap was originally: YOU LEAVE MY CHUCK BASS ALONE, YOU MEAN OLD GG WRITERS!
However, I thought that might be a bit spoilery, for those who hadn’t seen the episode yet, and were just innocently happening by this blog . . . so, I abstained. But seriously, they’ve really gotta stop trying to murder our BASS! Haven’t we been here before . . . like, say, about two seasons ago?
“Why is Josh Schwartz always picking on me?”
OK . . . OK . . . I know they probably aren’t going to kill him. But still, I have a right to be perturbed, don’t I . . . ESPECIALLY AS A CHAIR FAN?
But, as usual, I’m getting way ahead of myself here. So, let’s rewind a bit, shall we? The title of this recap comes from something Chuck said to Blair, during a very pivotal scene in this episode. And of course, it goes without saying, that it describes Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, over the past five years, to a tee . . .
But it also describes the various situations in which many of our other GG characters found themselves, this week. Like for example, Donut Dan, who chose the WORST MOMENT EVER to decide to come clean to a clearly distraught Blair about his feelings for her . . .
. . . and Serena, who chose the WORST POSSIBLE TIME in the season to decide she wants Dan back . . .
“Wait for Meeeeeee! I want to go to Brooklyn and eat pizza too! Unless it has carbs . . . Is there such a thing as carb-free pizza?”
. . . and Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, who decided to confess her true identity, at the exact moment when nobody really gave a sh*t. (Come to think of it, her timing is actually kind of brilliant, when you think about it.)
*insert evil laugh here*
. . . and finally, there’s Nate, who chose the WRONG TIME to piss off a suddenly evil politician / relative, not to mention the WRONG TOWN CAR . . .
Let’s start at the beginning . . .
Chuck is aroused. Blair is bloated. And both Dan and Serena are in need of a hairbrush . . .
The episode begins, fittingly enough, on the Upper East Side, around breakfast time. Bromantic Buddies, Chuck and Nate, are drinking coffee and flirting with eachother, as they sometimes do. Chuck admits, out loud, to Nate that the fact that the latter canceled a date with Mayor Bloomberg aroused him. (At which point, I admitted, out loud, to myself that Chuck aroused ME, when he said the word “aroused.” That voice . . . it’s pure sex, I tell you.)
Did I mention that Nate’s a “hard-hitting journalist,” now?
Well, they’ve got the “hard” part right.
Oh, GG! How you slay me with your unintentional humor!
Anywhoo, Nate is super jealous that Chuck is reading a rival tabloid newspaper. He wonders whether his boy toy is cheating on him with The Star or The National Enquirer. Fortunately, Chuck is doing no such thing. He’s simply reading about the love of his life / soulmate . . . and how she may be throwing out that cyborg fiance of hers, along with a vacuum clear, a toaster, and various other appliances that no longer work, and, therefore, need to be replaced . . .
And how is Chuck taking this news, you ask?
He doesn’t care. Nope, not at all . . . not in the least bit.
After all, tabloids are for old ladies who collect ceramic cats. (Sorry Nate . . . and cats.)
And Blair would never really leave the robot father of her baby, WOULD SHE?
Speaking of Blair, it seems she’s finally gaining that baby weight we’ve all heard so much about. Now, her fingers are like kielbasas (says Dorota), and she can’t fit into Louis-bot’s RING OF DOOM. (Don’t worry Blair, I suspect there’s a ring sitting on the steps of Harry Winston that will fit MUCH BETTER.)
Of course, Blair can’t LEAVE the house, now. After all, if the paparazzi see her without her ring, they will be ALL OVER HER . . . kind of like this . . .
She also can’t take Dorota’s advice, i.e. say to Louis-bot, “Bippity Bobbity Boo, I will never leave you . . .”
Because . . . well, everyone who watches GG knows THAT’S A LIE . . .
Eventually, the paparazzi end up getting INTO Blair’s house, and snapping a picture of her, without her ring, ANYWAY. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And Blair decides to go to the one place, where even the sleaziest of reporters wouldn’t dare follow her . . . Humpty Humphrey’s apartment.
Yes, I know, Dan. You did something kind of awesome for my ship, this week. So, I should really be nicer to you, at least in the context of this particular recap. And I’m going to try . . . really I am. But I still think you have stupid Fozzie Bear hair . . .
Just sayin . . .
Speaking of the Donut, he starts the episode at the VDW house, bragging about the reprinting of his
Dair fanfiction book, and griping about the TRAUMA of having to pen an Author’s Note Afterword, about how much has changed in his life, since he wrote it . . . you know, about three weeks ago.
“Dan fondled Blair’s heaving melons, while riding her like a pony. She screamed for joy at how bi . . . oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what you’re supposed to write in an Afterword?”
Since Dan and Serena are so often the targets of derision for snarkier, more quick-witted, characters — like Chuck and Blair — it was kind of refreshing to see them be so adept at making fun of eachother, for a change.
“Are you pretending that cup you are drinking from is Blair? Because, I’m pretending that this piece of fruit I’m about to eat is YOU.”
For example, I got a hearty laugh out of Dan’s astute observation that the probable reason that Serena was so attracted to Max McPoorPerson was that he’s a total nutbar, much like ALL of her other ex-boyfriends.
“Oh, wait . . . I dated Serena too. Whoops!’
This brother / sister banter / flirt session is interrupted briefly by some boring talk about Faux Charlie’s debutante ball, but continues later in Serena’s bedroom. (wink, wink).
Derena fanfiction starts here . . .
S and Humpty Humphrey both apologize for saying entirely truthful things to eachother in the kitchen. Then, Serena tells Dan that he should write his Afterword about how much his Dair fanfiction has changed everyone’s lives for the better . . . everyone that is except Serena and Dan (and their hair).
Dan continues this journey of self-introspection and navel gazing with Papa Rufus, who suggests that Dan “change,” by telling Blair that he has feelings for her. I don’t know, wouldn’t it be easier for him to just buy a new shirt, or something? (Because, I’m REALLY getting tired of all that plaid . . .)
That’s better . . .
Confessions, Epiphanies, and Pizza . . .
Meanwhile, Tripp pays Nate a visit. The scummy politician and Serena’s erstwhile boy toy becomes super jealous, when he learns that Grandpa invited Nate to a Fancy Party for Rich Old People, and Tripp was not invited.
“Whaaaa . . . but I LOVE RICH OLD PEOPLE!
They always have the best drugs. It’s not fairrrrrr!”
Pouty Tripp takes this opportunity to drop TWO bomb shells on Nate.
Bomb Shell # 1 – Grandpa was behind the whole Campaign Leak thingy, from last week.
Bomb Shell #2 – Grandpa was behind getting Nate his cushy job at That Random Trashy Tabloid Paper, he now runs.
Seriously? Those have to be the lamest bombshells ever. EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNEW ALL THAT . . .
Well . . . almost everybody.
Nate confronts his Grandpoppy with all this NEW and SHOCKING information. And Pops basically says, “Yeah . . . obviously, I did all that! You think you’d actually be able to get a job like this
(lame as it may be) by YOURSELF? You’re still in college, sweet cheeks. And nobody has ever even seen you attend a class.”
“By the way, Nate, since we are on the subject . . . I hate to tell you this, but the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real either.”
Then, Grandpa tries to butter up Nate, by telling him that HE (not TRIPP) is now being groomed to lead “the Archibald / Vanderbilt family” into its bright, filthy rich, future . . . Heaven help them all. But Nate’s not buying it. And he doesn’t want to go to that stupid Old Person Party, either! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandpoopy!
Then, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena finds Nate looking sad. So, she gives him some pep talk about “being the person you want to be,” or some crap like that. Of course, if anyone knows about “being who you want to be,” it’s
the Army Little Miss Multiple Personality Disorder, herself.
Oddly enough, it’s THIS speech, that ultimately changes Nate’s mind, and allows him to accept his destiny as . . . the kind of guy who goes to Rich Old People Parties . . .
Honestly, I just really like this picture, even though it has no relevance, whatsoever to what I just typed.
Speaking of Faux Charlie, Max McPoorPerson is still on her tail, begging for money, and telling anyone who WON’T listen, what a fraud she is, in hopes that he can sell her torrid story to the tabloids for some big bucks. But McPoorPerson finally strikes it “rich,” when he overhears Grandpoopy telling Tripp (in public, of course), that Nate’s the new FAMILY FAVORITE PET, not him. McPoorPerson then approaches, McUsedtoBeImportant, and they decide to help one another out . . .
“MWAH-HA-HA! I’ve McGot you now, Faux-Charlie!”
Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Serena is reading old Gossip Girl posts. Somehow, they convince her to fall in love with Dan again . . . basically, because he’s slightly less of a tool / manwhore than 98% of the other guy’s she’s dated in her lifetime.
Of course, she’s about half a season too late, considering Dan’s just decided he’s in love with Blair. WHOOPS! So, much for making “better romantic choices.” I don’t know, Serena. If you want love that badly, perhaps, you should consider getting a pet. You can’t have sex with it, but, if you’re extra nice, it WILL lick your face, on occasion. Hey, it worked for Chuck . . .
Sorry, Monkey. That comment wasn’t intended to imply anything un-kosher between you and Chuck. I’m just trying to help!
Around this time, Dan and Blair are in Brooklyn, eating pizza that makes Dan smell like onions. Blair admits to Dan how lost she is feeling over the whole “I really love Chuck, but the father of my child is a robot with poor language skills” issue. Dan suggests that Blair still has a choice as to which man she wants in her life (the Robot or the Dark Knight). He also lets her know that not all men consider Robot Babies a dealbreaker, in a relationship . . .
Dan’s words give Blair hope . . . or, if not hope, at least the strength to fight for her own happiness, and the happiness of her child. She calls Chuck.
Dan’s right. (I can’t believe I actually typed those two words.) There is definitely a kind of force field / psychic connection between Chuck and Blair. You can feel the tension between them, from the moment Chuck picks up the phone. The heartache . . . the history . . . the undying devotion . . . the immense magnitude of their love for eachother . . . it’s all there, in every word exchanged, and in each subtle gesture.
You can feel their pain, even as they try to joke blithely about how Blair somehow keeps ending up in Brooklyn. “This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?” Chuck asks, feigning ambivalence.
“No . . . only you,” Blair replies resolutely, her voice breaking as she speaks. “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”
Chuck pauses, having heard the words he’s undoubtedly dreamed of Blair saying, ever since he first found out she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn.
And yet, something is stopping him from telling her what she wants to hear. Chuck wants so badly to prove to himself that he is the good man that Blair needs him to be, even if being that person means breaking both of their hearts. “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child,” he ultimately says, sounding broken and defeated.
Of course, Blair is devastated. The two hang up the phone, at the same time, the air thick with the volumes of words unsaid between them.
Dammit, now my recap is all wet with tears . . .
Outside the apartment, Dan is on the phone with Serena. She called him, as soon as she saw the Gossip Girl blast that Blair was in Brooklyn. As it turns out, she’s super
jealous concerned that Dan is going to make Blair even more miserable, and confused than she already is, by telling her HE’S in love with her too. Since, at this point in the game, Dan has plans to do precisely that, he basically tells Serena, to shut the eff up, and leave him to his fanfiction . . .
“Ooh, Serena . . . I have to call you back. Brooklyn has really bad cell phone reception. *blows into the phone and makes crackling noises* I . . . think I’m losing you.”
Cue the entrance of Louis-bot, randomly, into La Casa de VDW. “I jes woennn Blayerrr bick,” says Mr. Roboto. (a.k.a. “I just want Blair back.”) Bizarrely enough, Serena decides she actually wants to help Louis accomplish this task . . .
However, her reasons for doing this might be less than altruistic.
OBVIOUSLY! In other words, I know strongly suspect that the only reason Serena wants Louis-bot to score with Blair, is to prevent Dan from scoring with Blair, so SERENA can score with Dan. Get it?
As it turns out, Serena needn’t have bothered with the cyborg. All it takes is for Dan to see the look on Blair’s face, after her phone call with Chuck. In an instant, he knows exactly who Blair loves, and what he needs to do about it. “I think I know how to make you happy,” says Dan.
And you know what? In this case . . . he absolutely DOES!
Wow, I sure am giving Humpty Humphrey a lot of compliments, this week. Clearly, we must have stepped into some sort of alternate universe . . .
While Dan is comforting Blair, Lily is doing the same for Chuck, who — let’s be honest — she always seemed to like a whole lot more than her own daughter . . . (How could she not? He’s CHUCK FRIGGIN BASS!)
Lily tells Chuck that she hopes that he gets the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone else, someday. And, of course, we all know, that he has already succeeded in that . . .
“You should be with me”
It’s time for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s “coming out” party. I bet you forgot about that, because I sure did. Serena is there giving Louis-bot directions to Blair’s house. But by the time Louis-3PO gets there, Chuck is there too.
The only problem, of course, is that BLAIR isn’t there. She ran off SOMEWHERE . . . with Dan?
“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?’
In the next scene, we see Dan bringing a blindfolded Blair to a room that’s pretty much the BIGGEST FIRE HAZARD ever. No wonder Blair thinks she’s been brought to a human sacrifice!
I think I read a fanfiction that started like this once . . . Oh yeah. It was called “Inside,” and written by a guy named Dan Humphrey.
But what Dan has for Blair is WAYYYY better than a human sacrifice (not to mention, less messy). It’s THIS GUY . . .
Yippee! This is the moment we’ve been waiting all season for. Get ready to let your inner fangirl go wild . . .
There’s so much I loved about this scene. First and foremost, I adored the way that Chuck included Blair’s baby in their romantic discussion, thereby cementing the threesome as a family unit. I also cheered when, after a season of hearing Chuck be politically correct about Blair’s relationship with Louis-bot, he FINALLY got up the courage to tell his Queen B that she belonged with HIM, not some stupid cyborg . . .
I loved Blair’s dig at Chuck’s poorly executed “unselfish” behavior, during their earlier phone conversation . . . and the cute guilty grin on Chuck’s face, when he admitted that “timing [had] never been [the couple’s] strong suit.” But, I think most of all, I loved THIS . . .
Meanwhile, at the lame debutante ball that no one really cares about, Faux-Charlie begins to fear that Max McPoorPerson might end up crashing her party, and selling her story to the tabloids. So, when she learns that Chuck and Blair are reuniting with one another, literally right down the hall, she quickly leaks the intel to Gossip Girl, like the asshat she is!
Also at the party, is Serena, who, upon learning what Dan did for Chuck and Blair, has a sweet heart -to-heart with the sad sacrificial jelly donut, during which she seems to fall deeper in love with him than before . . . Unfortunately, Dan’s way too depressed to notice . . .
“Wait . . . LET ME LOVE YOU, DAN! (I’ve been disease free for three whole days now.)”
Back in Chairytale land, Nate has conveniently stopped by, on the way to that Rich Old People Party, to put Chuck and Blair in a getaway car . . . the problem is . . . it’s the WRONG getaway car, as in the one that
McPoorPerson and Tripp butchered, so Nate couldn’t get to the Rich Old People Party is randomly leaking gasoline all over the parking lot . . .
In the backseat with Chuck and Blair, we get a few more minutes of bliss, as the two lovers (and baby makes three) plot their escape from the evil Louis-bot, and vow to begin their new lives together, ASAP. But, first, some sexy kisses . . .
. . .and some sweet heartfelt words, are exchanged between the two . . .
Nate is in the car behind them. He, of course, doesn’t think much of the fact that his driver believes he’s supposed to take him back to the Upper East Side (where Chuck and Blair were planning to go), and not to the airport . . . where he was originally headed. In Nate’s defense, he’s a bit distracted
by shiny objects by the evil paparazzi on motorcycles, who are aggressively surrounding Chuck’s and Blair’s limo, in an eerie (and not particularly tasteful) reminder of Princess Diana’s untimely demise.
Back at the party, Faux Charlie gets a call from Max McPoorPerson, in which he unexpectedly explains that he is now Max McSortofWealthy, and is, therefore, leaving town.
Huh? But what about REVENGE? Isn’t that why McPoorPerson decided to stay, in the first place. I thought the money thing was just an added bonus. Didn’t you?
At first, there doesn’t seem to be any connection between what’s going on in the town cars, and this phone call. But then, Blair’s and Chuck’s limo gets run off the road by the paparazzi . . . we remember that it was leaking oil, not too long ago . . . and that Nate was supposed to be inside. Then, we remember McPoorPerson agreeing to help Tripp with his Granpoppy situation. And, suddenly, everything starts making a whole lot of tragic sense . . .
(By the way, for those of you who were wondering, Florence and the Machine’s “Heartlines” was the song playing during the scene leading up to the crash.)
The final moments of the episode, take place at the hospital. A furious Serena vows to take down Gossip Girl, for basically setting the paparazzi on Blair and Chuck, in the first place, and causing this mess. Faux-Charlie, who, of course, actually made the call to Gossip Girl, begins to feel incredibly guilty. This prompts her to tearfully come clean to Rufus about her identity (though I’m sure given all that’s going on, he barely registers the confession), and leave town, possibly
until the hiatus is over for good.
I bet you are REALLY wishing someone would call you Serena now, aren’t you Charlie?
In a heartbreaking (not to mention, HORRIBLE) cliffhanger, we learn from Lily that, while Blair is awake and responsive, Chuck is in critical condition . . .
And while our eyes are too blurry with tears to comprehend any more information, we see Cougar Lady, Diana, receiving a call from Jack Bass, instructing her to return to New York . . . you know . . . because Chuck was in an accident . . . and because she’s clearly HIS LONG LOST MOM!
Not depressing enough for you? Check out the trailer for the first, post-hiatus episode . . .
I end this recap with Blair’s memorable and poignant words from the promo posted above: “Let [Chuck] live.” For the record, there is no doubt in my mind that he will do just that. After all, Chuck Bass is immortal.