Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it. But will it call you the next day?
Poor Elena! We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers? You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .
I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .
Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode. Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking. So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Bambi’s Mother is TOTALLY judging you . . .
Somewhere deep in the forests of Mystic Falls, a group of happy woodland creatures are laughing their asses off at Stefan and Elena . . .
I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.
But when Elena started weeping in the woods, after failing to complete her kill . . .
And then the two started humping one another against a nearby tree . . .
And then Elena, left mid-hump to yak up poor Bambi’s mother all over the soft lush grass . . .
. . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .
I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!
Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints. Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago. Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.
Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut. Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .
Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.
“Hi! I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”
Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here. I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies. And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .
. . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I liked her! (I know some fans didn’t.) It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.
Special delivery for APRIL!
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode. April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.
“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire. No, seriously. . . it’s on fire.”
HUH?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock? It’s a good thing April’s adorable. Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE. You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .
Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .
Poor Damon! It must suck to be repeatedly wrongfully accused of brainwashing a sizeable portion of the town to char-grill themselves into oblivion.
Though, I must say, you’re not exactly helping your case for “sanity” by saving a seat at the bar for a Man Who Isn’t There . . . or is he?
By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap? I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .
Speaking of shippers having field days . . .
In which Damon lends a very horny helping hand . . .
Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.” To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department. For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.
Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence. That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger. And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.
Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s. I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.
Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways. And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .
So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX . . .
This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.
And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more. I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex. I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.
I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.
And, perhaps most of all, loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”
Stefan was right to be jealous of this moment, shared between two supposed non-lovers. It was pretty hard core . . .
Speaking of naughty hands . . .
Coitus interuptus . . . via handshake?
You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode. The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius. Also genius? The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand. (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)
Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.
If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .
But that’s not all. Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact. Ah! But Tyler is not a regular vampire. He’s a hybrid. So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .
Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .
At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive. Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.
Just a thought . . .
Damon Salvatore . . . Germaphobe?
Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . . . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again. Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .
This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.
Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .
Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well. (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)
I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .
Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . . Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how, if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .
Just a thought . . .
As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . . Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .
Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.
RUH-ROH! I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .
Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!!!
The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly. Ummm . .. Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE! Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . . As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .
In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.
And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell. And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .
. . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .
This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .
It doesn’t go so well . . .
And Stefan certainly doesn’t help matters by PUNCHING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE . . .
WAIT! WHAT?
Oh, yeah . . . that whole Delena SEX blood-sharing thing . . . I almost forgot . . . let’s relive it again, shall we?
Mind Control 101: It works better, if you don’t eat your subject’s brain, before you try to “wash” it.
Caroline’s and Elena’s daring campaign to save Adorable!April runs into a bit of a snag, when Hungry Elena tries to . . . um . . . eat her . . .
Caroline calmly informs Elena that eating fellow orphans is big NO-NO.
She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl. Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .
“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says. “People said really nice things.”
Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!
Poor Adorable!April. Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .
Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns
After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead. It was a beautiful ceremony. But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .
I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention. But NOOOOO . . .
Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .
Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .
In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.
The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .
And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.
And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .
By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show. It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .
Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .
Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah. It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.” Until next time, Fangbangers!
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