Well . . . that’s one way to get guys to think you are hot . . .
Hey there Fangbangers! This week on TVD, Elena Gilbert felt the burn, figuratively and literally.
Also this week, literally EVERYONE in Caroline’s life became Silas . . .
So, keep your fire extinguisher handy, Fangbangers, because this one is going to be a scorcher . . .
This is your brain on Damon Salvatore . . .
“I’m actually at school? What is this? Some alternate universe where my character is still on Degrassi: The Next Generation?”
We begin our episode on a lovely sunny school day. The sun in shining. The birds are singing. Caroline is bragging about being named valedictorian. Bonnie is smiling . . . wait . . . Bonnie is smiling? This HAS to be fake.
“Dammit! Why did I have to make Bonnie smile?”
Yes, it appears that Damon has been Inception-ing Elena, in an attempt to convince her to come back to Team Humanity.
But to no avail . . .
I love the goofy moment, where we pan back from Elena’s “dream,” to see Damon standing around with his eyes closed . . .
It reminded me why they don’t usually show the “manipulation” part of Dream Manipulation on these shows. I mean, compulsion from a vampire’s perspective always looks cool. There’s no doubt about that . . .
But Dream Manipulation from a vampire perspective looks like . . . well . . . a nap.
It’s kind of like that move Avatar. If taken from the human perspective, all that running around in the forest, riding on giant dragon-birds, using your blue tails to have sex, and saving the world from that Evil Army Dude, would just look like some guy sleeping in a coffin-like object, while getting powdered donuts fed to him intravenously through a tube . . .
Anywhoo, since Damon gets a big fat F in the gradebooks for his attempts to Inception Elena back into a “good little girl,” he reverts to something that he KNOWS will earn him an A+ . . . Torture.
That’s right, Fangbangers! Damon and Torture go together like Damon and Showering . . .
How to Lose Friends and Alienate Vampire Barbies . . .
Peace-loving Caroline, who cured herself of her vampire anger issues, a mere two days after being turned . . .
. . . doesn’t believe the best way to Elena’s heart is through ripping out her stomach. She’s convinced good old fashioned talking will do the trick. And so the perky blonde flounces her way into the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires, bearing her heart on her sleeve, and a peace offering . . . blood for the starving and dessicated Elena. Hmmm . . . I wonder if it’s B positive?
After Elena gorges greedily on the blood, she pointedly asks Caroline why she’s being so nice to Elena, after Elena has pretty much been the sh*ttiest friend ever to her . . .
Caroline admits to Elena that . . . yeah . . . people who try to eat her don’t typically make it to the top of her best friend list . . .
(Actually it kind of seems like most of Caroline’s friends have tried to eat her at one point or another . . .)
But Caroline doesn’t love Elena for the heinous b*tch she’s been these past few episodes. She loves her for the Special Snowflake she’s been throughout all these other episodes!
(Loving Elena is a prerequisite for being a character on this show!)
So, of course, Evilena does what she always does when confronted with kindness. First she insults the Kind Person . . .
Then she tries to rip off the kind person’s face with her teeth . . .
So, Caroline does what any rational girl would do in such a situation. She breaks Elena’s neck . . .
And so, after a brief dalliance with Peacekeeping, it’s back to TORTURE TIME!
Rendezvous with Mean Girls
Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah is drinking her feelings, when she comes upon the only male character left on the show, with whom she hasn’t had sex (yet) . . . Matt.
“Hey hot stuff. Have you ever seen a 1,000-year old girl naked?”
“Shouldn’t you be hanging out on that New Spinoff with the rest of your ancient relatives?”
“Stop ripping out my heart with your continuous rejection of me!”
Matt casually lets it slip that he’s going to probably be stuck in Mystic Falls, cleaning vomit off bartops, forever. This is because he’s been too busy running from werewolves and ghosts, and evading inevitable apocalypses to actually do homework, or study for any of his classes. This gives Rebekah an idea . . .
Over at another diner/ bar type place . . . (one that can’t be in Mystic Falls, since we know there is only one Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) Bonnie has a secret meeting with Elena’s Doppelganger Katherine Pierce. It turns out that Katherine still has Silas’ headstone, and Bonnie wants it BAD . . .
For a girl who doesn’t need to eat, Katherine sure spends a lot of time in diners . . .
It has something to do with Silas, and the veil, and the apocalypse, and blah, blah, blah. All this mythology talk gives me a headache.
Just bring back my Alaric, Kol, and Jer Bear mmm-kay?
The rest of it, I could care less about, honestly . . .
Back at the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires . . .
Bad Girls Don’t Get Nice Jewelry
“Do you realize that torturing Elena together is the closest you and I will probably ever get to that threesome we always dreamed about?”
Damon and Stefan have Elena tied to a chair in front of a window. Also, Damon has stolen Elena’s sunscreen ring. Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .
Actually, Damon, I think bad girls steal nice jewelry . . .
Damon and Stefan kind of have the whole good cop / bad cop dynamic a bit messed up here. Stefan is clearly trying to play good cop. He keeps Dr. Phil-ing Elena into talking about her “feelings” . . .
. . . while Damon is throwing out the one liners, like it’s his job (which, lets face it, it pretty much always has been).
The only problem, of course, is that Stefan is the one who keeps ripping back the curtain to burn Elena . . .
“The good news is that all this face burning, is making my teeth look super white!”
. . . and this pretty much makes him the Worst Good Cop Ever . . .
Stefan and Damon decide to take a break from burning Elena’s boobies off to let her insult them both. She reminds Stefan she dumped him, and Damon that she was sire bonded to him. And blah, blah, blah . . .
But just when I’m about to get bored, Elena turns around and does something REALLY interesting . . .
“I am vampire hear me ROARRRRR!”
“I imagined this going a bit differently in my head . . .”
Because the last Sunshine Shock Treatment Elena received enabled her to burn through the ropes on her wrists, she breaks free from her spot on the chair, and actually FULL ON SETS HERSELF ON FIRE! (Katniss Everdeen a.k.a. The Other Girl on Fire is not impressed . . .)
Damon jumps into action and “extinguishes Elena,” reminding Damon fans everywhere what a sexy firefighter Damon would make (and what a long hose he probably has) . . .
Firefighter fantasies notwithstanding, this is not a proud moment for our Sexy Salvatore Duo. Elena is lying on the floor laughing in their faces. After all, she’s just proved that, try as they might to be mean and menacing, these two could never truly hurt their Special Snowflake. So, no matter how many times they put her in the proverbial hot seat, she really has nothing to fear. Alas, this appears to be another Moonstone in the Soapdish Moment for poor Damon . . .
It’s time for the brothers to call in The Reserves . . .
Study Buddies and Burgers
“Someone once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his clogged arteries.”
“Awesome, now I won’t have to eat my dinner out of the Mystic Grill trash compactor.”
Caroline is crazy jealous and hurt, when Beks crashes her and Matt’s Let’s B*tch About Evil Elena Session to feed him, and help him pass all those classes he’s been failing. It turns out, Caroline didn’t even know Matt was flunking out!
Caroline has always been portrayed as the fashion conscious social butterfly of the show . . . The Joiner. But it makes sense that she would be a TOTAL Rachel Berry, when it comes to academics, just like she is in every other aspect of her life . . .
For Caroline, her ex-boyfriend’s failure at school is simply not an option (nor is leaving him alone to study with that vixen, Rebekah). And so, off Vampire Barbie dashes to grab her arsenal of adorable pink flash cards, fantastic array of multi-colored highlighters, and sugar free energy bars. “You dated That?” Beks jokes. (Watch out, Beks. Your brother might just end up dating That too . . .)
While Caroline’s away (more on that in a bit), Beks kindly offers to compel Matt some passing grades, and a college scholarship, so that he can FINALLY get out of this godforsaken town. It’s a sweet offer from the girl who once ran Matt’s car off a road, and almost killed him. (Oops.)
Umm . . . check the bottom of the lake.
The Original Vampire kind of DOES owe the Bar Boy a favor or twenty. And while giving Mr. Blue Collar a ticket into the Lower Middle Class wouldn’t entirely erase the whole Attempted Murder Thing from these two’s history together, it sure would be a nice start. But NOOOOOO, Matt has to be all “honorable” and pass his classes the “old fashioned way” . . . by using his smart phone to teach him Italian.
Sometimes people are too good for their own good. You know what I mean?
At first Stefan’s “Genius Plan” to get Katherine to scare Elena’s humanity seems to be going swimmingly well . . .
The two insult one another. They rough each other up a little bit . . .
Well, would you look at that? Nina Dobrev is beating the sh*t out of herself. How very Fight Club of her!
Of course, you would think that after 170 some odd years, Stefan would have finally learned that Katherine will never EVER do what the Salvatore Brothers want her to do. And this time is no exception . . . Katherine sets the captive Elena free!
Silly Stefan. One day, you’ll learn that whenever you play with fire, you inevitably will end up getting burned . . .
Speaking of getting burned . . .
Silas, Silas Everywhere . . .
It is like something out of fanfiction. Klaus leaving his Baby Mama Drama in New Orleans to return to his lady love in Mystic Falls. He begs her to escape her humdrum apocalyptic vampire life to come live with him in the Treme. He forces her to admit that her hatred of him has morphed into something else entirely. And, for the first time, she doesn’t exactly deny it . . .
He invades her personal space, so she’s up against a tree . . . his breath hot against her ear. And then, he has to go and ruin it all, by making an offhand comment about feathers . . .
So, wait. Now, I’m confused. Since when did Klaus become Elena?
Just kidding. It’s that MIND RAPIST, whose real face looks like a cross between Lord Voldemort and the Sith from those Star Wars movies . . .
He wants to send a message to Bonnie that she should come out of hiding OR ELSE. And apparently that “message” involves staking Caroline.
“Why is everybody always temporarily killing me?”
Later that night, Caroline wakes up from her little death nap.
“I just had the most awful nightmare.”
Fortunately, Matt is there to comfort her . . .
I’m sorry. Did I say “Matt,” I meant SILAS . . .
Then Klaus pops up again, and he’s Silas too!
“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”
Worried that Silas will kill her mother, Caroline rushes home. Then Bonnie appears at the window, out of no where, to tell Caroline that her MOM IS SILAS TOO!
“I haven’t been this villainous, since that time I tried to have my daughter killed, because I found out she was a bloodsucker.”
Feeling trapped, Bonnie eventually walks off with Silas and his Real Ugly face, leaving Caroline to tend to her maybe-dead mother, in the back room. What a b*tch!
As much as I’ve never been a big fan of the Lizard, I must admit, I got a little teary, when Caroline huddled over her and wished her back to life, a la Simba and Mufasa at the beginning of the Lion King.
Actually, I Ugly Cried . . .
But then Lizard Forbes came back to life! And all was right in the world!
Well, almost . . .
Attempt to Return Elena’s Humanity #562 (Spoiler Alert: This one actually works.)
After laying it into Katherine a bit for being just as crappy at helping Elena get back her humanity as everyone else on the show has been . . .
. . . Damon comes up with another idea . . .
This one involves Matt . . .
At first this Plan #562 seems pretty darn similar to the 561 before it. Matt finds Elena in the woods. And he tells her she’s his oldest friend, and blah, blah blah . . .
So, she eats him . . .
He passes out . . . and wakes up. So, she tries to eat him again. But Damon gets there first. And Damon . . . KILLS MATT?
What’s this? Is Elena actually SAD that Matt is dead?
But wait. JUST KIDDING! He’s wearing that Jamaican Me Crazy Immortality Ring! Hooray!
Matt’s ALIIIIIIIVE! Elena’s humanity is BACK! I think there’s just something about Matt that always represented a sort of youth and innocence she shared with him, before her parents died. When Elena was with Matt she was perky, untarnished, and pure. And that’s ultimately why I think it was his potential death that ended up effecting her enough to trigger her to put her humanity switch back into the “ON” position.
In short, the 562nd time was, in fact, the charm. Damon Salvatore (and Matt) for all the awards . . .
But, of course, now, Elena is SUPER DUPER SAD about Jer Bear being dead, and about what a piece of sh*t she’s been these past few weeks. I mean, girlfriend KILLED A WAITRESS! And worse. . . she dyed her hair pink! Oh the humanity . . . literally.
Stefan instantly reverts back to Dr. Phil mode . . .
A few weeks back, we all harped a bit on Damon for using the sire bond to get Elena to turn ALL of her emotions off, when he could have just as easily just gotten her to lose ONE emotion . . . like say “sadness.” This week, Stefan gets into a similar semantic kerfuffle with the extremely LITERAL Elena.
Silly Stefan! He thought his advice to Elena would turn her emotions into hearts, teddy bears and roses. Maybe he even thought it would help him get laid. Instead, it made Elena dead set on murdering the woman who killed Jer Bear, turned Caroline into a vampire, brought Klaus to Mystic Falls, and stole the cure . . . her evil twin from the past . . . her doppelganger . . . Katherine Piece . . .
Katherine . . . the very same girl, who just entered into an alliance with Bonnie Bennett for the destruction of Silas, in exchange for her own shot at indestructibility. Oh hell yes! I think of all the Elena’s we’ve met this season, I’m going to like Homicidal Maniac Elena best of all . . .
Next week on The Vampire Diaries . . . The Apocalypse . . . and Kol . . . though not necessarily in that order . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!
[www.juliekushner.com] My New Tumblr (Just getting my feet wet.) Fangirls Forever