Tag Archives: Stefan Salvatore

Naughty or Nice? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Fifty Shades of Grayson”

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A Very Merry Christmas from your friends at Augustine!

Seasons Greetings, Fangbangers!  In this month of fat men slithering down small chimneys and giving you presents, while stealing your cookies and milk . . . a time when elves (I believe the appropriate term now is “little people”), work tirelessly, without the benefit of vacation time or a health care plan, to build Little Janey her iPad or Kindle Fire, much discussion will inevitably be had over the concept of “Naughty or Nice.”

so naughty

Were you a good girl or boy, this year?

bad girls

How exactly is something like that measured?  Does “Santa” take an average of all of our deeds, and draw up some complex mathematical computation, where the difference between good or evil is merely a hundredth of a decimal point?  Is it merely enough that you’ve been well behaved, this week?   This month?  That even if you’ve been naughty in the past, you promised to do better next time, and really meant it?

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Or are there actions in this world that are considered to be so evil, that they will land us irredeemably on the Naughty List for life, no matter how hard we try to repent?

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Vampire series (and, really, shows starring antiheroes as the main protagonist, in general) grapple with this issue all the time.  How far can a writer push the misdeeds of her main character, before fans find themselves simply unable to empathize with him or her?  Let’s see, over the course of TVD’s five season history, we’ve seen . . .

Damon murder Jeremy, because Elena rejected his romantic advances . . .

damon dont judge

Katherine feed Jeremy to Silas, just so that she could steal the cure to immortality and use it as a bargaining tool with Klaus.  (Poor Jeremy, are we noticing a pattern here?)

dead jer 2

We’ve seen Klaus murder an entire line of hybrids he, himself, sired, stake his siblings countless times just because they were kind of mean to him, kill Useless Aunt Jenna, Tyler’s mom, and that annoying female werewolf whose name I no longer remember . . .

santa klaus

And we’ve watched Stefan eat his own father and murder thousands of innocent humans as the Ripper of Monterrey.

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And yet, season after season, we forgive these monstrous vampires.  We invite them into our homes.  (A very bad idea, as vampire lore will tell you.)  We root for them to fall in love, get the girl, vanquish their enemies, and live Happily Ever After.

damon eternal stud

But if these were our real family and friends, could we be so forgiving?  If those were our relatives who they bludgeoned?  Our lovers who they remorselessly slew?

forgive me big

forgive me

Maybe . . . but probably not.

life sucks get a helmet

“Fifty Shades of Grayson” delves into that concept wholeheartedly . . . the idea of being completely and utterly beyond redemption.  And by the end of the episode, some of our favorite characters find themselves stuck on the much-despised Naughty List (Do not Pass Go.  Do not collect a MacBook Air.) possibly for . . .  ALL ETERNITY.

big bad vampire out here

Let’s review, shall we?

Damon . . . SMASH!

True story.  When I was about 9 years old, I was cast as the Wicked Queen in my day camp production of Snow White.  During the scene where (SPOILER ALERT), the Queen learns from her Magic Mirror that the Huntsman didn’t really kill Snow White, and her Highness is still not the prettiest girl at the party, I had to say the line, “I’ve been cheated!”

queen grr

In our first rehearsal, I lent all my energy to this single line.  I stamped my foot.  I clenched my fist.  I scrunched up my face like I was constipated.  I jumped up and down like a raving loony.

The whole cast cracked up laughing.  The problem, of course, was that it wasn’t supposed to be a funny scene.  “The Wicked Queen wouldn’t act like that,” my Drama Teacher lectured me.  “She’s mature, dignified, and cunning.  She’s . . .”

Well . . . she’s Regina from Once Upon a Time, basically.

evil queen 2

But try as I might, I just couldn’t say the line “I’ve been cheated,” without sounding like a nine-year old who just had her Barbie doll taken away from her, because that’s what I was!  Eventually, the Drama Teacher gave up on me entirely.  So, on the day of the performance, I huffed, and I puffed, and I stamped, and I screamed, and I gave the temper tantrumiest “I”VE BEEN CHEATED,” of my VERY, VERY short-lived acting career.

(The next summer, in our camp production of Grease, I was given the role of the school custodian.  I stood in the back of two scenes with a mop.  I had no lines.  Not sure why . . . )

stefan shrug

So, why am I telling you this?  Because that’s what Damon reminds me of, whenever he gets angry and starts taking out his aggression on harmless pieces of furniture . . . You guys all remember the Soap Dish Incident, right?

soap dish smash

“I’VE BEEN CHEATED!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not denigrating Ian Somerhalder’s acting in any way.  Crazy Temper Tantrum Damon is super hot, while still being kind of hilarious!  And my Drama Teacher was totally off base about my interpretation of the Wicked Queen .  . . just saying.

And that’s precisely where we find Damon in the cold open of “Fifty Shades of Grayson,” hulking out on his poor defenseless Augustine Vampire cage . . .

smash 2

Eventually, he manages to break a piece of rock off the wall.  He uses that rock to “chisel,” Aaron’s forgotten vampire bullet from the previous episode into the lock on his cage door, busting it open . . .

ian says awesome

The idea is so clever in its simplicity that it kind of makes you wonder why neither Damon nor Enzo bothered to think of it at any time during the many, many, many nights they sat together in their cell with nothing to do but await their daily dose of torture and STARE AT WALLS.  I mean, think about it, we saw two Escape from Alcatraz Augustine plans in action here.  The first one involved HANGING OUT FOR A YEAR, and then being faced with hundreds of party people, any of whom could possibly kill you dead (or light you on fire), as you tried to escape.  The second one involved, five minutes of wall punching that might hurt your fingers a little bit . . .

Which would YOU choose?

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Anywhoo . . . Damon escapes Chez Augustine with both his humanity and his pretty face still refreshingly intact.  Huzzah!

The Morning After Bitter Pill

I’m not going to lie.  Katherine’s post coital wake up scene may very well have been my favorite one of the entire episode, which is odd considering it was also probably the least tangential to the ongoing plot.

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There’s a scene in Bridget Jones Diary where Bridget wakes up after a night of earth shatteringly brilliant sex with Darcy, only to be faced with the harsh reality, that being in a real relationship means that your boyfriend will eventually have to see what you look like in the morning naked . . . There she is staring at herself in the mirror, as she really is . . . without all the makeup, the hair product, the perfume, the cute clothes, and the spanx to hide her “wobbly bits” . . . without the benefit of a liquor-induced haze, or the moonlight, or the passion that drives us human animals to screw first, and think later.   She sees her image, and is terrified that when Darcy sees the Real Her, he’ll fall instantly out of love.

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We’ve all experienced this type of insecurity at one time or another.  But Katherine Pierce never had.  She always had the perfect figure, was disarmingly sexy, perpetually youthful, in stellar shape, and the object of every man’s desire.  And on the rare occasion when a man she coveted didn’t willingly throw himself into her bed, Katherine had the power to snatch his free will and make him do it, anyway.

the kat monster

For the first time in 500-some odd years, Katherine is finding herself in the rest of our shoes.  She wakes up in the morning next to Stefan Salvatore and is positively thrilled with her good fortune, that someone like him, a vampire, young, strong, hard in every sense of the word, would want HER, a mere human.  But all that happiness comes crashing down, when she finds a grey hair on her pillow.  Suddenly, she’s Bridget Jones . . . petrified that Stefan will see her in her grey-haired vulnerability, and discard her, not because she’s selfish, manipulative, and kind of evil (That, she could handle.), but because she’s OLD!

find grey hair

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Cue the usually graceful Katherine merely falling over herself, as she drapes herself in a comforter, and tumbles out of the room, like a child dressed up as a ghost for Halloween . . .

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It’s little moments like these that remind me why I first fell in love with this show . . .

At the door, Damon runs into the fleeing Katherine, and feigns nausea over the fact that she just boned his brother.  But we all know Damon would (and has) totally hit that . . .

flirt with damon

The Bride of Damon-stein

Speaking of girls who look like Nina Dobrev, Elena’s morning after is far more bitter and far less sweet than Katherine’s.   She awakens strapped to a gurney to find Dr. Death, draining all the blood out of her body while babbling on about it into that annoying dictaphone of his.

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You know as Big Bads, the Augustine Folks were pretty decent . . . locking up vampires . . . torturing them  . . . turning them on one another as weapons of mass destruction?  Scary.

ahhh

But as Mad Scientists?  These guys kind of suck . . .

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Before Elena passes out again, Dr. Death proudly informs her that he’s been performing the exact same experiments on her that her father performed on vampires, back when she was a little girl, and that Dr. Whitmore performed on Damon back in the 50’s.  70 years of experimentation . . . and they are still repeating the exact same experiments over and over and over again.

Damon eye roll

Take blood from a vampire, see how long it takes for them to pass out . . . OOOH!

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Electrocute a vampire, see how loud he screams . . . AAAH!

3 4 stef tort

Cut a vampire, watch that vampire heal . . . YAY!

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And all of this to discover what teenyboppers who read Twilight figured out on page 10.  Vampire blood can heal human ailments . . . pretty much all of them.

it healed

In other words, Augustine is basically the scientific equivalent of a cat chasing its tail, and a hamster running on that infernal wheel . . . mental midgets with mean streaks, wearing lab coats.

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No wonder Damon wanted to fry all their asses . . .

wake up kill you

But poor Elena!  Her gene pool just keeps getting murkier and murkier, doesn’t it?  Now, it seems like her Adoptive Father (actual Uncle?) may have sucked as a human being just as badly as her actual father did . . . torturing vampires in a basement for years, all in the name of pseudo science.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if, by Season 8, we learned that Elena is somehow related to Hitler too . . .

In which Katherine Pierce endures the HORRORS of exercise . . .

Speaking of mean people distantly related to Elena, Katherine has decided that the cure to sickness and inevitable death is not medicine or science, but drinking Kale and exercising!  (Since when did Katherine Pierce become a Scientologist?)

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Once again, Katherine’s mortality brings a refreshing dose of comedy to the hour, as Personal Trainer Matt wryly (but politely, as always) gets personal pleasure out of Katherine’s workout pain and general lack of physical fitness.  To add insult to injury, Matt even calls Katherine’s “long lost” daughter, i.e. the person responsible for getting Matt temporarily possessed by the dude who sounded like the bad guy from Rocky and Bullwinkle to slap Mommy Dearest around a bit for trying to kill herself, without even bothering to send her baby vampire girl a Hallmark card.

you killed me

But fear not, Doppelganger Lovers!  Mini-Katherine has a plan!  If Katherine’s own body is dying, why not simply “borrow” someone else’s?  It worked for Rocky and Bullwinkle Villain guy, right?  I mean, he lasted an entire two extra episodes before someone killed him again, didn’t he?

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This sounds like a truly excellent, fail safe plan, right?

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Katherine’s not quite buying into the possession idea, either.  She likes looking like Nina Dobrev, dammit!   Even if it’s “old” Nina Dobrev with a bit of grey food coloring in her hair!  And if the choice is between (1) dying a horrible painful death, and (2) living, but looking slightly less attractive while doing it, we all know which option Katherine’s going to choose.

im a survivor

 . . . but only if survival = looking pretty and f*&king Stefan . . .

Besides, Katherine just started boning Stefan again!  She’s not going to let a little thing like her impending demise keep her from getting a few more rides on that Wild Stallion .  . . No sir.

“Nice knowing you, Mini-Me,” Katherine says,  more or less.  “See you in Hell!”

the kat always look out for myself  petrova-gifs

Hostage Aaron Hangs with Hungry Vampires . . . Hilarity Ensues

Having left baby bro Stefan in the dark for 70 years about the whole “Augustine” thing, Damon is forced to be a bit cagey with his brother regarding the missing Elena’s whereabouts.  Fortunately for Damon, Stefan and his hero hair are always suckers for a damsel in distress, and are willing to come along for the ride with pretty much no questions asked.

my hero

You know how I know Aaron is going to fit in just fine on this show?  Because literally a few hours ago, the character learned that he (1) comes from a long line of vampire torturing mad scientists; (2) that a vampire has been systematically killing everyone related to him; and (3) that pretty much all the friends he met at college are either vampires or were murdered by vampires (sometimes both).  He also just shot a vampire, who he presumed to be dead.  That’s a lot of information for any normal human being to absorb.  And yet, when Damon and Stefan find Aaron he’s . . . chilling out listening to some tunes and reading his Chemistry textbook, like its just another boring day on campus.

hanging with dam

“Um, do you think you could wait about two minutes before you kill me?  I was listening to a really good song.”

Even when it becomes pretty clear that Salvatore Squared are holding him hostage, so that Dr. Death will turn over Elena.  And they will very likely kill him whether Dr. Death complies with this request or not, Aaron just takes it all in stride.  “I thought I killed you.  Why aren’t you dead?”  Aaron asks boredly of the murderous vampire who he shot in the head with a bullet.

“You shot me in the head.  You should have aimed for the heart.  Aim for the heart, next time,” Damon scolds, playfully wacking his would-be murderer on the noggin.

smirky damon

Aaron just shrugs off his botched attempted murder of the guy who brutally savaged both his parents.  “Oops.”

I want to learn what kind of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medication this kid is on . . . and I want a prescription.

pills for depression

Dr. Death agrees to make a trade of Aaron for Elena in some abandoned classroom.  But when the threesome arrive there, they find no Dr. Death, and no Elena. (The trouble with having no personality and being emotionally vacant, Aaron, is that it makes people who supposedly love you kind of ambivalent about saving your life . . .)

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The rendezvous is not a total bust, though.  At least it gives Damon the opportunity to “reconnect” with blast from the past, Enzo.

Enzo’s Ill-Conceived and Ultimately Ineffective Revenge

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Good ole, Enzo!  When we last met him in flashback land, he was jolly, hopeful, and downright bromantic.  He loved Damon in the way a dude loves the only other dude he gets to speak to in 70 plus years, who isn’t repeatedly cutting him open on an operating table and electrocuting him for sh*ts and giggles.  He was also pretty darn easy on the eyes, as is the requirement of every male with a speaking part on this show . . .

sex enzy

Personally, I liked that the Enzo we met in present day, was a bit less charming, and a bit more unhinged.  Unlike his fellow guest star, Aaron, this guy is seriously PISSED OFF at the sucky hand he’s been dealt.  And it’s totally understandable.  I mean, who wouldn’t be a little wackadoodle after spending almost a century as a mad scientists life-sized version of the game Operation?

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They have pretty much the same haircut.  But Enzo has much better abs . .  .

It’s Enzo who finally fills in both Stefan and Aaron into the specifics of Damon’s betrayal at the Augustine compound, while standing at the podium of the otherwise abandoned classroom, like a frustrated professor whose students just don’t give two craps about his lecture.   Poor Enzo!  He doesn’t realize he’s rehashing the exact same flashback we all saw last week on The Vampire Diaries.  Dr. Death should really considering getting ole Enzie a cable hookup in his cell.  Problems like this could be avoided.

in class

“This class sucks.  I’m totally dropping it next semester.”

Having given up on educating his “students,” Enzo dismisses both Stefan and Aaron to go back to Aaron’s dorm room in search of information that might be helpful in locating Elena.  Damon, however, is given detention!  No Save Elena Games for him!  Not today.  It’s time for the Elder Salvatore to accept his punishment for being such a sh*tty friend to a fellow hot person . . .

elena ahhh

You see, when Dr. Death set Enzo free, it was with a pretty significant catch.  He injected the vampire with a dessication agent.  So, Enzo was dying and could only get healthy if he returned to the compound to get the antidote.  And he could only get the antidote if he killed Damon.

Ruh-roh!

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Sucks for you, Enzo!  Damon’s the main character on this show!  It looks like you’ve been set up for failure.  (See, a little TV viewing would have gone a long way in this instance.  Damon has just enough time to kindly inform Enzo he’s “just not that into him,” before the sexy broody vamp goes all stiff and veiny.

Elsewhere on Campus . . .

Aaron is having slightly better luck at weaseling his way into the heart of a Salvatore Brother.  When Stefan gets the idea, that Aaron has dishonestly lured the younger Salvatore Bro back to his dorm room, just to break free from his clutches, Stefan pulls the ole homoerotic Slam the Other Hot Boy Against the Wall trick that all the teen shows are trying these days.

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ep 9 wall slam bitten by salvatores

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“Just kill me,” Aaron challenges.  “I’m basically already dead.  Damon has been murdering my whole family.  And, assuming I don’t have another long lost relative out there somewhere to carry on the Whitmore name, he’s probably going to kill me too.  So, do it first, and don’t give him the satisfaction.”

Clever boy, that Emotionally Empty Aaron!  He somehow intuited that Stefan Salvatore is a sucker for the pathetic and suicidal.  And that little piece of psychoanalytics ended up saving his life.  “We aren’t all like my brother,” Vampire Civil Rights Activist Stefan explained before removing his hands from around Aaron’s neck.

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How very Season 1 of True Blood, Bill Compton, of him!

As it turns out, Aaron wasn’t lying about having information in his “diaries” that will save Elena.  And so Savior Stefan runs off to the evil lab to rescue his princess.

And just in time too (maybe).  You see, Dr. Death had just stabbed Elena with an elixir that would basically turn her into a Ripper for Vampire Blood, rendering her an instant danger to pretty much her entire Scooby Gang.  Elena then knocks Dr. Death unconscious, moments before Stefan saves her.  But as she leaves, she stupidly grabs her father’s medical diaries instead of the syringe itself, so we have no way of knowing whether she ingested enough of the vampire eating drug for it to have an impact on her.

draco malfoy facepalm

To add further insult to injury Enzo too, may or may not have been turned into a Ripper for Vamp Blood when Damon “rescued” him by stabbing him with every syringe in Dr. Death’s office, until one of them woke him up.  (You would think an anal retentive guy like Dr. Death would have a better labeling system for his vampire pharmaceuticals.

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Life saved or no life saved, Enzo is still not quite ready to forgive and forget Damon’s humanity free abandonment of his ass back in the 50’s.  “You will always be a monster,” says the vampire who killed Elena’s adorable guest star roommate with glasses.

you are a monster

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Well, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a fanger?

In which Damon once again decides Elena is “too pure” for him (Shower, Rinse, Repeat) . . .

Here we go again . . . back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena excitedly tells Damon that, even though her father was a sadistic vampire torturer, he wasn’t so bad because, at least according to his diaries, he used vampire blood to save Elena’s roommate from immediate death, as a result of congenital heart failure.  (Instead, she suffered horrifically painful, eaten alive, and subsequently tossed out window death, by Enzo the Hungry Vampire, eight years later.  HOORAY!)

megan and dad

meg

(I kind of see a resemblance?  Same name too . . .)

Damon thinks Elena is being a pain in the ass Pollyanna, because she consistently sees the good in all people, even when they do things that make them irredeemably sh*tty.   And so for the 85,000 time since the series started, Damon dumps Elena “for her own good,” because “he’s a bad person, who is incapable of redemption,” and “he’s tired of her having to make excuses for him,” and “fate says she should be with Saint Stefan, blah de blah blah.”

stop defending

wont change

choosing to

OK, OK . . . now, I know I sound like I’m just being sour grapes, because I’m a Delena fan, and I’m pissed that the writers went and sank my ship.  But that’s not it, really!  You see, the thing is, I loved Damon’s “you’re too good for me” speech, back when he said it in Season 2, and compelled Elena to forget it shortly thereafter . . .

And when he said it again, at the end of Season 2, when he was dying and Elena was caring for him in what she truly believed would be his final hours on Earth. . .

Or in Season 4, where Elena FINALLY chooses Damon, not because of some creepy sire bond, but because she loves HIM, in spite of all the crappy things he said about himself just moments before she excitedly and romantically raped his face with her tongue . . .

I loved all of these scenes.  And I suspect I would have loved this one too, in spite its inherent sadness, in spite of it spelling the death knell for my ship, if I hadn’t seen it in its different (arguably better) iterations, at least three times before.

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Yes, we get it, Damon is a “Bad Guy.”  He’s done “Bad Things.”  He believes himself to be “Bad for Elena,” despite the fact that he loves her wholeheartedly, and has, pretty much, since the middle of Season 1 of this series.  We know this.

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What I don’t understand is what is it about Damon’s recalling that he screwed over Enzo, of all the millions of bad things he’s done (and Stefan has done too, mind you) that made him decide to break things off with Elena, despite the fact that the plot dictated that it was “Stefan’s turn” to have her.  What did the season finale change fundamentally about Damon’s relationship with Elena?

no one tells me who i love

Nothing!  There’s no longer any sire bond.  Damon and Elena both currently have their humanity in tact.  Neither of them is dying, or racing for the cure, or running from Klaus.  So, basically, Damon dumped Elena because  . . . what?  He is tired of her justifying his bad behavior . . . just like she justified the bad behavior of her father . . . just like she justifies the bad behavior of Stefan and everyone else on this show . . . just like all the fans of this show (myself especially) do, every week?

nodding oh yeah

It just seems like a pretty crappy reason to break up with someone you supposedly love more than life itself.  But that’s just me . . .

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But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh.  Maybe I should trust that the writers know what’s right for this ship . . . for these characters . . . for this show . . . in the long run . . .

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

no no on

Why the Dying Should NEVER Wear High Heels on Steep Staircases . . .

In other rejection news, despite her fantasies to the contrary, Katherine’s impending Date with Death is not enough to make Stefan forgive her for breaking his heart, pretty much ruining his relationship with his brother for 100 plus years, and being the series’ Big Bad for a Season and a half.  “I’m sorry you’re dying,” Stefan tells an increasingly grey-haired Katherine, as he holds her hand like it’s a consolation prize.

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Yikes.  Talk about “He’s just not that into you.”

When not even  IMPENDING DEATH garners you an ounce of sympathy from your crush, you just know wedding bells are out of the question.  And so Katherine decides that a little body swapping might not be such a bad idea . . .  She calls her Mini-Me to tell her the good news.

Annnnnnnnnnd then she has a heart attack (?) and tumbles down the steps . . .

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Here’s hoping her next body owns at least one pair of sensible shoes.

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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Jailbait – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Cell”

angry damon

Cannibalism never looked this good  . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries explored the many ways in which humans (and vampires) can be prisoners . . .

drowning stef

“Is it Friday yet?”

They can be literal prisoners, locked in jail cells and deprived of freedom, like Damon, Sexy New Latin Lover Enzo (played by newcomer Michael Malarkey . . . mama like . . . . A LOT), and later Elena, were to those wackjob sadists fondly referred to as “Augustine” . . .

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“On the bright side, conjugal visits just became much more convenient.”

They could be prisoners of their own bodies and mortality, like the supposedly-rapidly-decaying-and-dying-but-still-looks-frustratingly-stunning-sexy-and-wrinkle-free Katherine Pierce . . .

eating kat

Wait until she learns that humans actually gain weight  . . .

They could be prisoners of their sorry fate and unfortunately evil legacy, like that eternal sad sack, who makes Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,  look downright cheery,  Aaron Whitmore . . .

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“It’s not like my day could get any worse.”

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And they could be prisoners of their own minds, like good ole “my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, and my face twin, locked me in a safe at the bottom of a river, hence all the screaming, hyperventilating and crying I’ve been doing lately,” Stefan . . .

brain fried stefan

“Dear WebMD, does Aspirin work on Vampires?”

Whatever your personal prison, you didn’t need to have vampire blood running through your brains to relate to at least one of the storylines of “The Cell,” which, as a refreshing change from the uber complex mythology and whiplash fast repeated plot twists of “the Silas Storyline” actually worked pretty well as a standalone episode, with a focus on character motivation and basic interpersonal relationships that we haven’t really seen since the series’ heyday back in Season 2.

happy elena

So break out your favorite trusty old safe (hopefully, you’ve sanitized it first), choke down your daily blood rations, and turn up the radio on that old classic 50’s tune,  because it’s time to “go a-walking after midnight” with this latest TVD recap . . .

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La Casa de Rich and Slimy

No wonder, Damon never had any qualms about offing his ancestor Zach Salvatore back in Season 1 of TVD!  It seems these Salvatores have a pretty long history of familial betrayal . . . one that dates back at least as far as the early 50’s, when Some Random Salvatore used the now infamous Boarding House (where Damon and Stefan have been drinking, sexing up numerous women who look like Nina Dobrev, and brooding for the past five seasons) to lure a very James Dean-y version of Damon into a life of captivity and torture, all for “the good of science” and a bit of cash, of course.

When Damon found out about this betrayal (upon receiving a neck full of vervain for his trouble) he was less than pleased.

soap dish smash

And so, he found a rather creative way to seek vengeance on his less-than-trustworthy relative: death-by-whiskey-glass.  Granted, this form of death is not quite as visually appealing, as a good old-fashioned heart-extraction-from-chest-and-subsequent-tossing-of-heart-on-floor-like-it’s-a-piece-of-lint-on-your-shirt, but it will do in a pinch.

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This whiskey tastes funny.  Perhaps, it has something to do with the rim of the glass having just been inside my great, great, great grandson’s carotid artery . . .”

Enter Dr. Whitmore . . .

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Psycho sadist by day, douchebag who wears a pocket square by night . . .

He’s thrilled that Death-By-Whiskey resulted in a surprise discount on his Vampire Pin Cushion purchase, but bummed that his test subject is still awake.  Fortunately, a bit more vervain will fix that right up .  . .

Back in  the present day, Damon finds himself once again, a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Whitmore).  Only this time, fashions have changed (he’s wearing a black shirt instead of a white one), and vampire jail is much lonelier without a super sexy guest star in the next cell with which to shoot the breeze.  Fortunately for Damon, company is on the way . . .

jail cell

“Black is the new black.”

“Sorry all your friends and family died.  But let’s talk about me for a change . . .”

It appears that one of the unfortunate side effects of being on a show where everybody’s sole point of interest and topic of conversation is you, is that you tend to become a wee bit self-absorbed . . .

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“But enough about me, let’s talk about me.”

And because she is a victim of her own circumstances, I guess we have to cut Elena a bit of slack for KILLING JESSE one night, and popping up at his MASSIVELY DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING SUICIDAL former roommate’s dorm room the next morning, and asking him to come frolicking with her in search of her errant boyfriend.

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Someone needs to get her priorities in order.

Fortunately, for Elena, Sad Aaron is so desperate for non-brutally murdered people to befriend, that if he spotted a cockroach on his window sill, he’d probably invite it out for beers, and offer to be its wingman while it tried to pick up chicks . . .

aaron in tux

noticing me

And so he gallantly invites the only person on the show who is a bigger Grim Reaper than he is, over to his family mansion where, unbeknownst to him, his “guardian” is using Elena’s boyfriend to play a live action version of the beloved childhood game “Operation.”  (Just don’t remove his funny bone, Mmm-kay, Doctor Death.  We like our Elder Salvatore Brother sexy AND snarky.)

doctor-bot-operation

shirtless damon 4 sleepy baby

If you recall, the last time Elena was here, she had to hang out outside, because the owner of the house wasn’t around to invite her in.  This time, she dances around awkwardly, waiting for Aaron to do the polite thing, and let the female bloodsucker cross his threshold.

It’s at this point in the story that we learn (1) Aaron is a Whitmore, which means his dead family like TOTALLY owns the college; (2) Elena’s dad may or may not have been in league with the nefarious Augustines; and (3) Doctor Death became Aaron’s legal guardian, after the death of his last living relative Useless Aunt Jenna Aunt Sarah.

aunt jenna

We interrupt this trip down Plot Twist lane, so that Elena can get stabbed in the neck with a vervain syringe . . .

(Personally, I prefer the good old fashioned neck snap for characters who need a “temporary time out,” but I guess this will do, in a pinch.)

Another Fail “Safe” Plan

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan thinks writing about her problems in a diary will make Katherine want to kill herself less.

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

(Yeah, Stefan, because that worked SO WELL for you!)

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But Katherine has never really been much of a writer (or a reader) for that matter.   So, she tells Stefan he should stop focusing on Katherine’s suicidal tendencies and start trying to figure out why the same guy who ate his own father without flinching, now goes into girly hysterics every time he pictures an itty bitty box .  . .

I mean, I thought vampires were supposed to like coffins?

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Katherine invites her new bestie Caroline over to shock Stefan out of his PTSD, by locking him in a safe, until he’s not afraid of  being there anymore.

She even brought her own trusty safe to use in Stefan’s treatment.  “But don’t worry,” she tells the seriously freaked out younger Salvatore brother.  “I sanitized it.”

smirky

put windex on it

Yes, Caroline, because germs have always been a vampire’s worst enemy . .  .

Stefan’s first run-in with the safe doesn’t exactly go well, in the sense that he’s throwing a full-on temper tantrum within minutes of getting inside.  (Can you imagine this guy in a tanning bed?  It would not be pretty.)

Katherine wonders out loud whether Stefan’s problem is not the safe at all, but rather, his pen*s.  This logic inspires in her a rather brilliant idea.  (Katherine not be particularly literary.  And she may never have enrolled in Psych 101, like Caroline.  But if she’s an expert in anything it’s Vampire Pen*s . . .)

you two ever

great in bed

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“This one time .  . . in Augustine Vampire Jail . . .”

Finding themselves reunited in Vampire Jail with a sturdy wall of bars between them, Elena and Damon find themselves with a bit of time to kill.

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more fun if naked

And so, Damon decides to regale Elena about his zany prison adventures with a hot European soldier Vamp named Enzo.   You see, this isn’t Damon’s first time at the rodeo.  He’s been a vampire test subject once before.

never told

(By the way, over 50 some-odd years of experimentation with the undead, and these guys are still doing things like testing vampire light sensitivity, and their ability to regenerate limbs?  Any teenager who has read Twilight  could tell you that.  Worst Medical Researchers EVER!)

surrounded by idiots

Damon discusses how Enzo and him developed a friendship through the bars of their personal vampire prison, while chugging down a single shot glass of blood each day to keep themselves from desiccation.  While they took turns being brutally tortured by that icy cyborg Dr. Whitmore (charm cleary runs in this family), the two bonded over lost lady loves (Enzo’s was a benevolent researcher named Maggie), music (“I go a-walking . . . after midnight . . . out in the moonlight . . .lalala”), and their mutual hatred for all things Whitmore.  Time passed, until finally, after one New Years, the vampire bromantics finally devised a plan for their inevitable escape from Torture Town.

sex enzy

The plan involved Damon drinking both his and Enzo’s rations, and secretly growing stronger, over the course of a year, so that when the two were let out for the annual New Year’s party, Damon would be strong enough to free Enzo from the pokey, and the pair could live happily ever after . . .  literally . . . you know . . . because they are immortal and stuff . . .

long story wait for movie

A whole year, comprised of doing nothing but regularly submitting to torture and drinking shots of red stuff . . . talk about a LOOOOOOOONNNG CON.  (Though, honestly, it seems strange that Enzo wouldn’t have desiccated during that time, seeing as he was drinking nothing for an entire year, and the whole point of the rations was to keep both vampires alive and weak.)

kind of dead

Because Katherine Pierce is just kinky like that . . .

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When this box is a rocking, don’t come a-knocking  . . .

Stefan opens his eyes in the Evil Box to find Katherine right next to him, sweating it out with him.  (Geez!  It’s a good thing Stefan isn’t claustrophobic.)  He freaks out, of course, threatens to kill her, gently chokes her, makes a big show of breathing heavily on her neck.  It’s supposed to be scary, but it’s kind of hot, and you can tell both parties are totally turned on by it . . .

shock therapy

Katherine explains to Stefan that his fear of safes is really just a sublimation of the feelings of abandonment he experienced when Elena dumped him for Stefan.  It’s some pretty high brow talk for a girl who’s used to speaking almost entirely in sexual innuendos!  Then, in a voice that’s oddly Elena like, Katherine gently reminds Stefan that she’s there for him.

3 4 happy to know stefan

This has the impact of giving Stefan a major boner, and making him temporarily forget that he’s locked in a death trap of a safe with a dying human blood bag.

 “Wakey, wakey!”

Caroline pops open the safe,  unfortunately cock blocking the hundred plus year-old flames before they have a chance to let the REAL healing begin.  But Stefan isn’t mad at his gal pal.  His PTSD is cured!

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Now if he could just find a remedy for these . . .

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A little while later, Katherine confronts Stefan in the study, and lightly teases him about an ugly chair he broke, while in the throes of PTSD.  Stefan admits that he finally has to make a point to move on from Elena.  Katherine is uncharacteristically demure when she admits that sometimes she isn’t quite sure what she’s doing.   They move closer to one another slowly,  like boxers circling each  other, eyes locked, wondering whose going to be the one to make the first jab.  “My Superman” by Santigold plays in the background, reminding both characters that they’ve “got to live.”

study chest

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Annnnd the, next thing you know they’re sucking face .  . .

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Part of me wishes we actually got to see a bit of the good stuff, rather than merely implying that the two characters were boning, by zooming in on Caroline’s horrified and disgusted face, as her vampire hearing picked up the sound of their sex moans,  while she was leaving a telephone message for the kidnapped Elena.  And yet, I guess there is something to be said for leaving a bit to the imagination.

sex noise

After all, this “coming together” of Stefan and Katherine was actually much less about sexual tension (though they have it in spades, for sure), and more about them both being precisely what one another needed in that moment.  Stefan needed to recognize that his pain over Elena’s abandonment of him was keeping him metaphorically trapped, emotionally suffocated, and afraid of moving on with his life.  Katherine’s willingness to be there for him, when he needed it most, literally allowed Stefan to breathe inside that safe, and, subsequently feel freer than he had in a long time.

elena free stefan

As for Katherine, her mortality and impending death were making her feel weak, old, and frail, sapping her of her usual survival instincts and will to live.   Seeing how much Stefan needed and wanted her, brought Katherine back to herself.  It made her feel, strong, sexy, and virile.  It gave her the desire to fight for her own survival.

im a survivor

Also, let’s face it, these are two people who REALLY like sex,  and haven’t been laid in a few episodes . . . so there’s that . . .

New Year’s Cleave

Back in flashback land, it’s New Year’s Eve and Damon and Enzo are prepped and ready for their great escape.  Everything starts off as planned.  Damon, emboldened by his extra shot of blood each day, breaks his own bones upon minutes of being let out of the cage, heals them, and then proceeds to pop out Dr. Whitmore’s eyeballs, just as Dr. Whitmore did to him early on in the episode.

You know, because no one gets between Damon and his darling baby blues . . . NO ONE.

damon soulful crying

Then he, takes the keys to the cages from Dr. Whitmore’s pants, frees hot Enzo and dashes off into the sunset.

Just kidding.  That would be the SMART thing to do.  Instead, Damon proceeds to kill all the party guests, knock over a candelabra, and set the entire place on fire.  Then, the bars are all hot, and Damon can’t save Enzo without becoming fried chicken in the process.  So, Damon does what any self-respecting antihero would do, he turns off his emotions, and walks out, leaving his buddy to chargrill.  Catch you later, Hot Enzo . . . who is now literally hot . . . as in BURNING TO DEATH HOT.

dont leave me

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“Cool guys never look back at explosions.”

And so yet another clueless human learns about the existence of vampires is and changed forever . . .

Back in the present day, Doctor Death gives Aaron an impromptu lesson in vampires . . . explains that vampires killed his parents  . . . and gives him a vervain watch and some lame vampire research journals as a belated birthday present.  Traumatized Aaron travels down to vampire jail to find out which member of the Scooby Gang killed his parents and possibly Megan.  He accuses Elena, at first.  WRONG!  (Though Elena DID kill Jesse, Aaron never quite gets around to asking her about that.)

jesse vamp

“Et tu, human version of Eeyore?”

Damon admits that while he didn’t kill any of Aaron’s roommates, he did kill Aaron’s parents, and pretty much all of his ancestors, along with a boatload of Augustines.  In a brief flashback, we learn that Damon’s plan for vengeance against the Whitmores had been to kill everyone in their family but one, in each generation, to ensure that he would continue having Whitmore’s to kill for all eternity.  He better hope Aaron’s not sterile, because he just killed his last living relative Sarah, a few months back . . . when Damon and Elena had just started dating.

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full of surprise

Ruh-roh . .  . it looks like, while love heals all wounds, it may not be strong enough to satisfy one’s thirst for vengeance . . . just ask Amanda Clark from Revenge.

EMILY VANCAMP

What’s worse, many fans are speculating that Damon might very well have been the one to cause Elena’s parent’s accident, seeing as he was present moments before the accident occurred, and Elena’s father is currently presumed to have been a member of the Vampire Torture Fraternity.  Is there a Hallmark card out there that reads, “Sorry for maybe killing your parents, and for going on killing spree road trips, when you and I were supposed to be at home having mind blowing sex?  If so, Damon better start shopping for it now . . .

Aaron thanks Damon for his confession, by shooting him in the head.  Nighty night, Damon.

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He wakes up a few moments later to find his girlfriend missing from her cell . . .

elena ahhh

Someone needs to get more music on his iPod . . .

When you think about it, it’s a bit ironic that the haunting oldies tune “Walking After Midnight,” of all tunes, was the one that played in the background throughout most of “The Cell,” especially when you consider how little walking our Scooby Gang did during this episode.  I mean, seriously, this might very well have been the least ambulatory episode of TVD of all time!  Everyone seemed to be either, locked up in jail cells, or lying down in safes, strapped down to examination tables, or dumbfoundedly watching others lay around, sit around, or lie around in those places.

sad bored hobby

How does that old saying go?  Something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings?

Well, the same thing could possibly be said about idles minds and mouths, if Enzo (Welcome back, Enzo!  We just knew you were too damn good looking and charismatic to be a one-off flashback character on this show.) and his creepy crooning of what may very well be the ONLY song he’s been listening to nonstop since 1953, while strapped down next to Poor!Elena on an examination table, waiting to get his weiner chopped off or some such nonsense in the name of pseudo-science-as-an-excuse-for torture.  Let’s all invest in an iTunes gift card for this guy for Christmas, what do you say?

That said,  it does appear that Doctor Death at least took the time to get Enzo a modern day haircut, and update his wardrobe.  (Though, to be honest, I was kind of partial to his greaser duds.  They were sexy.)  This, of course, begs the question: why bother to play dress up with a guy you only let out once a year to be your dancing monkey at parties?  Could Enzo be THE Augustine Vampire to which Doctor Death has been referring all this time?  The one who has become allegiant to the same society that tortured him for over half a century?   The one that killed sweet Megan and her adorable glasses?

what one

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Only time will tell . . .

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries mid-season finale, Sad Sack Aaron learns that it’s hard out there for a relatively wimpy human on a show full of vampires.  Just ask Matt . . .

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Also, next week, Katherine dabbles in some cardio . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

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Bloody Tricks and Sucky Treats – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Monster’s Ball”

rawr damon

Happy Post-Halloween, Fangbangers?  Still nursing that pesky Candy Hangover?

eating kat

Are you currently grappling with the naughty things you might have done, while wearing someone else’s face?

shadow self

Perhaps, your just a teensy bit bummed, because this Halloween wasn’t quite as epic, as you hoped it would be?

dear great pumpkin

got a rock

Whatever your current early-Novembery mood,  this recap is sure to . . . not change it at all . . .

soap dish smash

But it will make you feel a bit better about your family and friends, who I assume have never broken your neck multiple times in a single evening, just so your evil doppelganger could hit on his ex-girlfriend . . .

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. . . or stabbed you in the stomach on the day of your family reunion . . .

sad nadia

. . . or fed you to a hungry vampire, encouraged him to drain you entirely of blood, and then seemed slightly disappointed when you didn’t actually die . . .

im a survivor

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

If you had family and friends like those, a tummy ache and a crappy Halloween would be the least  of your problems . . .

life sucks get a helmet

See?  I bet your life is looking better to you already!

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

A Long Time Ago, I Used to Have Friends . . .

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Dear Diary,

After abandoning you for four seasons, and burning you to shreds  back when I lost my humanity, I’ve decided to recycle you as a lame recapping plot device.  Congrats?

Sitting alone beneath the Saddest Tree at Whitmore College, Elena helpfully recaps for us, via Diary-writing Inner Monologue, the “Previously On the Vampire Diaries” sequence that just ended two seconds ago.  I strongly suspect this is because Elena fears that some fans of this show and a few of its writers suffer from extreme short-term memory loss, and can only remember what’s going on with the show at the very minute they are watching it . . .

Wait, did I just type that?  I don’t remember typing that . . .

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3 16 chipmunk fearisforthewinter

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3 16 lie will haunt fear is for

In her monologue, Elena suggests that her Diary might be “tired of her talking about Death.”  This statement taught me a number of things I never knew about diaries.  First, apparently, when you burn your diary, its soul and memories get transferred forward to every diary you will ever have in the future.  So, no matter how nice you might be to your current diary, it will always remember you as a book-murdering, death babbling on about, b*tch.  Second, your diary is reading everything you write in it for entertainment value, and silently judges you whenever you don’t deliver.  In short, diaries are Major Asshats.

laughing dan

Speaking of Major Asshats, Elena is being one to Damon by ignoring his calls, while he’s standing right behind her, watching her ignore his calls.  When Damon calls Elena on her crap she calmly explains that she is too busy waxing poetic to a Diary that secretly hates her guts to have sex with a guy that looks like this naked . . .

wet damon 2

Doctor Damon promptly diagnoses his suddenly-frigid girlfriend with “Survivor’s Guilt.” But I think it’s that pesky short term memory loss again.  Elena simply doesn’t remember how awesome sex with Damon was!  Well, Elena, since you were so helpful  in recapping the recap of the show two minutes after it aired, please allow me to return the favor . . .

more sex

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You’re welcome . . .

You see, Elena, sex with hot people is very powerful.  It magically makes you to forget all the bad things about your life and relationships.  Just look at Tyler and Caroline!

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taroline sex

The writers only let these two see one another about once a season, for conjugal visits.  And yet, all it takes is a few minutes of hot hybrid humping,  and Tyler and Caroline are suddenly convinced that they are the best, most well-adjusted, couple in Mystic Falls (not that they have all that much competition .  . . I mean, Jeremy exclusively dates corpses).

defans jeremy hulk

Maybe if you started dating live women, for a change, you wouldn’t have to keep ruining your shirts out of sexual frustration .  . .

Speaking of corpses, Bonnie is still lurking around town watching, of all things, Elena writing in her diary.  BO-RRRRING!  Maybe, being dead kills your libido.  Because Ghost Me would totally be spending my Eternity-in-Limbo watching the Forwood Sex happening upstairs, or back in Mystic Falls, watching Jeremy bone Oriental Rugs . . .

jer bear pushups

Your DEAD, Bon-Bon.  It’s high time you got your priorities in order . . .

Speaking of attractive people who can’t move on with their lives, check out New Sexy Blonde Guy, who stops by Dead Megan’s memorial daily to leave flowers and attract girls like Elena for whom Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets are like catnip . . .

sad shaun sipos

Elena visits New Sexy Blonde Guy to get his name and make some innocent conversation.  But he is not buying what she is selling, and blows her off without fanfare.  Well played, New Sexy Blonde Guy!  Elena already has enough Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets to build her own harem.  Let the rest of us have a chance!

marcia marcia marcia

Elena, Elena, Elena!

Everybody is all a-buzz about the Random Weekly Event / Excuse to Get All the Characters In the Same Place Whitmore Costume Ball, except for the finally Shirtless (Yay!) Cinderella Jesse, whose Evil Step Professor is forcing him to stay strapped to a table and be subject to stupid experiments that only seem to confirm what everybody and their mother already knew about recently-turned vampires . . .

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Let’s see, they . . . are SENSITIVE TO SOUNDS AND SUNLIGHT!

duh told you so

They LIKE BLOOD!

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THEIR TEETH GET POINTY BEFORE THEY FEED!

Damon eye roll

As much as I like seeing you half-naked, Jesse, don’t let that douchebag do you dirty like this.  You are a NEW, RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF VAMPIRE, DAMMIT!  Compel the guy into believing he’s a piece of Salisbury Steak, eat his ass, and get out of there!

meat with eyes

Professor Medium-Rare field

Meanwhile, over in a fleabag motel, somewhere in the U.S., Katherine gorges on trans fats, while Nadia breaks the news to her about Silas’ plans for her blood.  It turns out the “Diabolical One” won’t be content with just a stryrofoam cup filled with Katherine’s delicious blood.  He needs ALL OF IT!  (This is true, even though the actual Cure for Vampirism that Katherine drank was only the size of a thimble.)

the kat thank me brought cure

Yikes!  That’s a mighty big meal for a skinny guy!  Ever hear of portion control, PIG?

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At least now we know where Stefan gets his appetite . . . and his super fast metabolism . . .

Damon’s Ridiculous  Stupid   Suicidal   Extremely Dumb   Awful Great Idea

“Hey,” says Damon to Jer Bear, as the two lounge around La Casa de Rich and Awesome because their dead girlfriends won’t or can’t sleep with them.  “I’ve got an awesome idea!  Let’s risk all of our lives, and possibly bring about the Apocalypse, by aligning ourselves with the Sociopathic Mind-Controlling Vampire/Witch Freak, who looks just like my brother, so that we can bring Bonnie back from the dead, and Elena will be ever-so-slightly less miserable and maybe start having sex with me again.”

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thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To which, Jer Bear replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Hey, why not? I was planning on a busy day of doing push-ups and chopping wood half-naked.

jer 1

But this sounds like fun too!  Besides, it’s not as though Damon’s plans ever go horribly wrong . . .”

dead jer 2

Meanwhile, Bonnie is shaking her head in disapproval, thinking to herself, “Why am I sexually attracted to this kid, when he’s clearly a moron?”

team bonnie its delena love

Then, she remembers what he looks like with his shirt off, and decides to keep her mouth shut.

more fondle

So, what’s the grand plan?  Basically it involves everyone going to the Ball (SURPRISE!), so that they can track down Quetsiyah, who will be picking up some sort of Mystical Anchor thingy.  Then, they are going to take that Mystical Anchor thingy and give it to Silas, so that he can drink Katherine’s blood, turn into a mortal witch, and resurrect Bonnie right before he dies.

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P.S. For some inexplicable reason (Comedy for Delena Fans?), this plan involves killing Stefan multiple times, thereby breaking the bond between the two Doppelgangers, and allowing Silas to read / mind control Quetsiyah.

stefan shrug

[OK, Vampire Diaries Mythology Experts, I have two questions for you:  (1) If Silas’ big plan was merely to find out where Quetsiyah was hiding the Mystical Anchor thingy, why didn’t he just have someone else tail her at the party . . . someone who didn’t possess the face shes hated for over 1,000 years?

quet

(2) If Silas could always read / mind control Quetsiyah, before the witch mentally linked him to and subsequently brain-fried his doppelganger (as we saw him do at one point during the episode), why didn’t he simply brainwash her to undo her spell, thereby allowing him to live in the after life with Amara centuries ago?]

brain fried stefan

“Doh!”

Now, that we’re all thoroughly confused, let’s head to the party shall we?

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1492  . . .

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The best part of every TVD themed-dance episode is inevitably the costumes.  And this episode is no exception.  Caroline and Tyler attend the Whitmore Costume Ball as Bonnie and Clyde . . .

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bonnie and clyde

Damon and Elena go as a pre-fat and stinky gout-footed Henry VIII and a pre-beheaded Anne Boleyn, respectively (How romantic?) . . .

halloween

I can barely tell the two apart!

8th couple

Amnesia Stefan attends as Season 3 Ripper Stefan James Dean . . .

3 2 hello brother stefan

james dean

Professor Severus Snape   Dickhead   Maxfield dresses up as Dr. Jekyll.

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(Though without the hat, he kind of just looks like a guy in a suit . . .)

And Hot Sexy Blonde Guy goes as “that one douchebag at every costume party, who thinks he’s too cool to dress up, and therefore, wears a lame shirt with a tuxedo drawn on the front.”

aaron in tux

Meanwhile, at some greasy spoon diner, Nadia and Katherine consume even more trans fats (though neither of these women look as though they’ve ever so much as looked at a french fry, let alone swallowed one).  While they munch, Nadia interrogates Katherine about her dark past of female friend betrayal, before admitting to her that Katherine had sold out and gotten her mother killed.  And, because of this, Nadia turned herself into a vampire, so that she could better follow her around for 500 years, without . . . you know . . . getting old and dying and stuff. . .

nadia

“Really, I just did it because I knew, if I stopped looking like this, it would be much more difficult for me to have threesomes with random people I ran into while traveling through Europe.”

(What is it about Katherine that possesses people to spend their entire eternity doing a REALLY, REALLY bad job of finding her?  Damon did it for 150 years .  . . Klaus and this chick . . . for 500.  As someone who, as a child, couldn’t play Hide-in-go-Seek for more than two rounds without getting bored and going back in the house to play video games, I’m intrigued . . .)

Convinced the foreign vampire chick is trying to kill her, Katherine stakes Nadia in the heart, knowing full well that this will not kill her, because her heart is all greased up from all the fatty foods they just consumed.   (Huh?  Is that an actual thing?  Does this mean that fat, unhealthy, high cholesterol having vampires are more immortal than other vampires?)

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

It turns out Katherine knows that Nadia was lying about her story, since, after the first few months or so, even Klaus’ inept minions weren’t stupid enough to mistake another woman for Katherine.  It is then that Nadia admits the truth, Katherine killed her mother, not by turning her in to Katherine’s minions, but by hanging herself in a cave and turning vamp.   You see, Nadia is Katherine’s daughter, the one who was taken away from Katherine because she had it out of wedlock, shortly before Klaus killed her entire family and hunted her down . ..

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Awww, how touching!  A mother – daughter reunion.  Katherine and Nadia would have totally tearfully hugged, were it not for the 6-inch steak sticking out of Nadia’s heart.

first stabbing

I wonder if Hallmark sells a Mother’s Day Card that says, “I love you, even though you pretty much ruined my life, and traumatized me for all eternity.”

If they don’t yet, they totally should . . .

Like Lambs to Slaughter . . .

Ever a glutton for punishment, Amnesia Stefan decides to hit on, of all people, the chick who fried his brains, Quetsiyah.  (Stefan’s always been a sucker for women who make him act stupid . . .)

stefan shrug

Damon gallantly rescues his brother from possible future heartbreak, by breaking his neck instead  . . .

(There should be a Hallmark card for that too.)

While Stefan is snoozing away in the foyer, Silas is working his magic on Quetsiyah.  He quickly learns that Quetsiyah doesn’t know where the Mystic Anchor is, because Nadia and the Travelers hid it (it’s clearly inside Matt, and can only be extracted using the knife Gregor is hiding in his house).  So, she’s using a locket of hers that miraculously made its way to one of the display cases at the party to perform a locator spell.

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Poor Baby Silas gets a headache, every time Stefan starts to wake up from being dead.

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So, Damon gladly provides his new friend with virtual Aspirin, by killing his brother every four to six hours minutes, as directed.  (Talk about whacked priorities.  Then again, this is the guy who is risking the lives of the entire town to bring back from the dead a girl he never seemed to like all that much, whose death he failed to notice for over four months. . . )

damon dont judge

Elsewhere at the ball, Caroline would very much like to have Kinky Handcuff Sex with Tyler.  But he turns her down, because he has to pack and be in New Orleans by Tuesday, 8 p.m. / 7 p.m Central to guest star on The Originals  . . .

originals poster

It turns out Tyler is still a bit sore at Klaus for making the younger hybrid temporarily gay for him, mind controlling him to almost kill his girlfriend, and then actually killing his mother and hybrid buddies.  He wants revenge, even though the kind of revenge he can get is pretty darn limited considering that killing Klaus will result in Tyler’s death, as well as the death of basically every character in the entire CW franchise, due to that whole “bloodline” thing . . .

tyler points

Caroline goes all Taylor Swift on Tyler, telling him that if he walks out on her now, they are “Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (No, not ever.).”

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And then he leaves  . . .  again . . . for the 465th time.

Elena sees New Sexy Blonde Guy looking sad by the punch bowl and compels him into telling her his name (Aaron) and sob story (“Everyone I love dies.”)

everyone die

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Awwww, how sweet!  It looks like Elena has found herself a Kindred Spirit Grim Reaper.  Watch out coeds of Whitmore College!  With these two allied together, it’s highly unlikely any of you will live long enough to ever don a cap and gown .  . .

grim reapers at CVS

Speaking of people I wouldn’t trust my life with, Elena shares a creepy, highly inappropriate dance, with Professor-I-Like-to-Torture-My-Students-For-Fun-And-Call-It-Research kind of like the toady looking teacher who always wore pink in Book 5 of the Harry Potter series Maxfield.  During the dance, the Professor tells Elena that he thinks a vampire killed Megan . . .

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(“You mean to tell me a vampire killed someone on a Vampire Show?  LUDICROUS!”)

He also warns Elena that people are on to her true identity, and she should leave school ASAP, before they find her . . . bad people . . . the kind of people who strap their hot teaching assistants down to operating tables and perform stupid, but highly painful, experiments on them to prove things they already know . . .

OOPS, did I say that?

wes max

P.S. Professor Maxfield has some kind of familial relationship with Hot Grim Reaper Aaron . . .  you know, because if a character on this show has the same hair color as another character on this show they are almost always relatives of one another  . . .

Hey Matt, you are blonde and seem low on family members?   How’d you like to inherit a douchey professor dad, and dour collegiate fraternal twin brother?

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And Now, for the Grand Finale . . .

Stefan awakens once again, but fakes death long enough to catch Damon off guard and snap his neck for a change.  Brothers are the best, aren’t they?

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Then, he rushes to tell Quetsiyah that she’s been hitting on the wrong Paul Wesley look-alike.  Quetsiyah responds by sticking her hand in Silas’ chest and squeezing his heart like its a stress ball, until his body dries out.

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(Wait?  I thought only vampires and people from the show Once Upon a Time could do that?  Apparently, witches can too?  Do not try this at home, practicers of Wicca!)

rebekah heart

open heart surgery

Once Damon wakes up from being dead, he dutifully carries his new pal, ash-hearted Silas home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wait out his temporary death on the couch like everyone else on this show does.  (They should really consider getting that leather cleaned.)

The Casting Couch

Elena comes home and seems less than bothered by the fact that a creepy Stefan lookalike is rotting on the couch where she and Damon sometimes screw.  She’s even less bothered when Damon casually invites Katherine over and haphazardly feeds her to Silas.  The two watch vacant-eyed and expressionless as the woman Damon once loved for 150 year, who looks just like Elena, has the life drained out of her by Stefan’s Evil Twin.

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It is weird and highly unsettling.  But maybe their humanity switches were on the fritz.  It’s happened before.

turn it off

stone faced elena

Besides, it’s for a good cause!  Elena’s pet Bonnie is dead.  And everyone who’s ever seen the movie Pet Cemetery knows that bringing your pets back to life at all costs is always, always a good idea . . .

cat scary

Then, Katherine wakes up from the dead and wonders, quite logically, if she’s in Hell.

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Worse, honey .  . . you’re in Mystic Falls . . .

Until next week, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Somebody That I Used To Know . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .

the headache filthy pirate hook

brain fried stefan

make me forget spidey

Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.”  WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .

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Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .

you killed me

Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .

delena sex big

carry on

Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.”  (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)

omg dead

New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.”  (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)

confused jesse

In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.

my idiots

But that’s why we love them.

happy elena hugging damon color

Let’s review, shall we?

Highway to Hell-o

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Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .

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“Don’t worry about the car.  You can always compel yourself another one.”

I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .

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But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”

no no on

Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .

damon soulful crying

Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces.  Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever  .  . .

stefan shrug

Body of Evidence

Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs!  We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .

jer bear pushups

I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .

“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)

defans jeremy hulk

Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.”  Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch.  It also makes Matt seem like a major loser.  Get a hobby, Man!  Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard.  And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .

2 21 bonnie bamff rouxx

Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week.  They are LONG overdue!

Hex, Lies and Videotape

I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .

matt car breakdown

Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .

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And the cheese stands alone . . .

I have to admit, this one surprised me.  I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks.  Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share.  More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .

gregor

“Say hello to my little hand . . .”

Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something.  Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .

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Fight for your right to potty . . .

Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .

all alone drink

I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”

beating up stefan

Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?

freaking hungry

After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom.  Come on, Stefan!  Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.

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Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress.  Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?

Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .

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Let’s face it.   No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom.  And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.

3 2 hello brother damon

The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .

Damon eye roll

It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .

Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!

Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame.  I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.

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It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .

happy elena

“Yay, senseless death!”

That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive?  Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past?  AWESOME!

ian says awesome

Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet.  So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .

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While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day.  Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . .  .  You go,  girl!

dancing elena

Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom.  (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).

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Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.

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“Look at me, pretending to be a bird.  Aren’t I adorable?”

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That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge.  After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass  . . .

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Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude.  And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one.  This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .

freaking hungry

 . . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”

Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . .  Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.

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“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .

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deflated balloon

blue balls

Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .

beating up stefan

Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis.  Does having amnesia take away IQ points?

got the girl

Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .

2 22 bloody stefan

“Eating my feelings.”

Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!

Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .

sex girl boy

This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.

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As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield.  This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.

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Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .

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At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures.  (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)

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Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing.  Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash.  But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .

you suck laurrrrde

Poor Jesse.  It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired.  Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”

stefan shrug

Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day.  (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.)  With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .

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. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures.  However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .

As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!

stripping jess

Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .

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In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .

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(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)

Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty.  Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out .  . .

soap dish smash

When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true.  (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this  need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)

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Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out.  And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.

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Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating.  And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .

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Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course.  And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor.  You know, eventually, you are going to go.  It’s only a matter of time . . .

everyone die

We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death.  But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .

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I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . .  .

team bonnie its delena love

Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves.  And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching.  It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane.  (“I wasn’t really mad at you.”  “Things will get better.”  “Have fun at college.”)  It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.

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On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired.  Pom-poms?  A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?

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These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons?  Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .

Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!

And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.

tyler returns

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Life goes on, indeed.  Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!

Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .

If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world,  you were both right and wrong . . .

eye roll car

We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .

It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health.  Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health.  He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.

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You gotta love college . . .

Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .

Until then, Fangbangers!

waves

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Women Scorned – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Original Sin”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .

hot dog costume

 . . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .

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For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .

blue balls

 . . . muscles . . .

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. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .

eat pizza

tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .

bloody elena

caroline carter

OK .  .  . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty.  But I think you get my point . . .  Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, where the women may be the prizes, but the men are typically the fighters.

damon eternal stud

And that’s always been OK with me .  .  . because . . . I like sausage . . . A LOT!

3 11 shower damon temptinglybad

want him bad

That said, this week’s female-dominated hour felt like a refreshing change of pace.  It was an hour dominated by women heroines (and anti-heroines) joining forces to protect the men they cared about most . . .

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 . . . sassy foreign chicks with strange unidentifiable accents, who consistently outsmarted every single man with whom they came in contact . . .

nadia new

 . . . and Quetzalcotal  Q*bert  Catsoup QUETSIYAH . . . a wacked-out, bad-ass witch who takes the concept of post-breakup brooding to an entirely new level .  . .

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(I mean, most of us just buy a pint of Baskin Robbins, break out the sweatpants, cry a bit on the couch and call it a day.)

Now, THIS is a Big Bad I can get behind!

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Let’s review, shall we?

Because Hipsters Taste Like Chicken . . .

The episode opens with Stefan, fresh from his summer-long stint hanging out underwater with the cast of Finding Nemo . . .

finding nemo

. . . stumbling down a deserted street at near-dawn, looking less like a hungry vampire and more like one of the dancers in the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller . . .

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He’s doing that dazed, sort of shuffle step thing you do when you’ve just gotten out of a REALLY long movie, and realize that at some point during the second half of Lord of the Rings you’ve forgotten how to walk . . .

zombies new vamps

Let’s not forget, Stefan has just been on a summer-long, starvation diet, which means he’ll look great in his new swim trunks.  But . . .

freaking hungry

Stefan’s first order of business as a free vamp is to get some breakfast to go.  He stops at the generically named Joe’s Bar, where the only thing on the menu is a hipstery looking bartender who somewhat resembles Lindsay Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Samantha Ronson . .  .

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ronson

It’s far from the gourmet meal he was hoping for in that it probably tastes a lot like cigarette ash, overpriced hashish, and music by Bon Iver, but it will have to do in a pinch . . .  Seconds after chowing down on the little lady, Stefan suffers a crisis of conscious, or maybe just a bad case of indigestion.  Either way, he allows Not-Sam-Ronson escape with her life . .  .

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Then, Stefan rushes out into the sunlight, and falls to his knees in agony, while he waits patiently for his face to burn off . . .

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Silly Stefan!  Who goes on a tropical adventure and forgets to pack their sunscreen . . . ring?

I Dream of Steffy

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena Gilbert wakes up in bed in cold sweat, wondering why she had a dream about Sam Ronson, and thinking it might be because she’s been watching too many episodes of TMZ, circa 2008.  Damon is lying in bed next to Elena, wondering how anyone could manage to sleep in La Casa de Rich and Awesome and have a dream about anyone other than him!

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wake up damon

Then Katherine stumbles into the room and announces that she had the same dream.  Damn that pesky, Sam Ronson!  She ruins everything, including Damon’s beauty sleep.

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Of course, everyone remembers that Stefan was in the dream too.  So, they all head off on a road trip to Random Bar, USA to find Stefan, and literally “put a ring on it,” before his finely chiseled face starts to look like a sundried tomato . . .

killer tomato

Shortly thereafter, we are treated to a scene in which Nina Dobrev (Elena), other Nina Dobrev (Katherine), and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) drive to an undisclosed location, while other Nina Dobrev (Katherine) teases Nina Dobrev (Elena) about not really loving Ian Somerhalder (Damon) as much as she claims that she does, seeing as she continues to have mysterious dreams about Sam Ronson Stefan . . .

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Take into consideration the fact that Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev broke up in real life shortly before filming this scene, and you can imagine what’s going through Ian’s head right about now.

no no on

Talk about life imitating art!  This scene is officially Ian’s worst nightmare come to life!  And Damon doesn’t really like it much either . . .

But at least the vampire could take solace in the fact that he still has the girl, something his human counterpart can’t . . .

got the girl

Invasion of the Pothead Snatchers

Back in Mystic Falls, exotic foreign chick, Nadia, gets a call from Silas, who thinks that Nadia’s last minute decision to kill her boyfriend in a convenient store was a crappy way of her to show her loyalty to the evil villain’s cause.  He wants her to do something more profound.  Clearly, Silas is being short-sighted.  I mean, here is a guy who only drinks human blood out of styrofoam cups, because he finds taking it directly from the skin too tacky and classless.  And here, Nadia killed her boyfriend in a place where STYROFOAM CUPS ARE SOLD!  It doesn’t get much more meaningful than that . . .

all alone drink

Anywhoo, Silas wants Nadia to steal Bar-Boy Matt’s immortality ring (So much ring theft on this show, this week!) and kill him too.  Nadia agrees, but you can tell she’s up to something . . .

nadia

She corners Matt in the back of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  Matt is understandably concerned, seeing as the last time these two met, some random dude massaged his face, forced him to wear black colored contacts, and then made him take a nap on the floor.

matt possessed by maenadmaenad

Sure enough Nadia is massaging his face, and forcing him to wear black colored contacts too!  Except this time, Matt doesn’t take a nap on the floor.  Instead, he starts talking like the villain from every action movie I’ve ever seen.  He’s yelling at Nadia for killing him, one minute, and sucking her face the next.  And it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

black eyes

you killed me

grrr

face sucking

Truth be told, I thought Nadia’s beau Gregor was kind of boring.  And Matt can be kind of boring too, at least when he’s not high on pot, then he’s HILARIOUS . . .

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

But Matt-as-Gregor?  NOW THAT GUY is SEXY with a capital S!  Who knew Zach Roerig had this in him?

nice to meet you

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I’m really digging this storyline.

happy elena

Anywhoo, Nadia tells “Gregor” to call Elena using Matt’s phone.  And though we don’t actually get to hear their conversation, we can imagine it goes something like this . . .

phone sex elena

“Hey, Matt are you feeling OK?”

2 20 matt phone

“Ahhh . . . ya . . .why?”

phone sex elena

“Because you sound like the bad guy from that cartoon we used to watch back when we were kids . . . the one with the talking moose.”

Fortunately, for Nadia and Gregor, Elena is much too self-absorbed to pay any attention to  sudden personality transplants exhibited by any character on this show whose name isn’t “Stefan” or “Damon.”  And so, she willingly gives Matt/Gregor all the information he needs to find Katherine.

surrounded by idiots

The last we hear of Matt/Gregor he’s asking Nadia to bring him to wherever it is she buried his body (Possibly in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven where she took his life?).  Later that night, Matt wakes up on the floor of his home with mud on his shoes, and no memory of the last six to eight hours.

poor matt sassquatch 24

Just another day in the life of Mystic Falls’ favorite pothead waiter . . .

Speaking of Strange Trips . . .

Stefan awakens in an abandoned cabin, having been rescued by a mysterious woman who looks suspiciously like Sam’s dead girlfriend Luna from True Blood. 

dead luna

At first, Mystery Woman seems like a pretty gracious host.  She closes the shades to block out the sun.  She offers him a hot beverage . . .

hot beverage

2 22 bloody stefan

She tells him about how she rescued him, and kindly fed him the owner of the cabin in which they are staying, following his emergence for the sea . . .

stefan shrug

Nevertheless, Stefan is understandably leery of his host’s courtesies.  After all, this a woman who willingly admits to being in love with SILAS, a guy whose willingly tried on more different faces than a Mr. Potato Head doll . . .

potato head

A guy who threw Stefan’s body into the sea, and then nearly Single White Femaled him out of existence . . .

shadow self

. . . a guy with more personalities than a game of Guess Who . . .

guess-who

Clearly, a woman who loves Silas has TERRIBLE taste in men, and is generally not to be trusted.

silas and quet

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Stefan, ever the gentleman, politely asks his gracious host why she doesn’t find Silas and go jump in a lake with him, never to be seen again.  That decision might be good for Stefan, but it would be very bad for the storyline.

make bunny cry

Besides, Silas doesn’t want to jump into a lake with Stefan’s host because, the truth of the matter is . . .

hes-just-not-that-into-you-photo

never said his

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You see, Stefan’s host is not Amara, it’s QUETSIYAHHHHHHH!

BabyScared

Eat your heart out, Silas!

silas loving amara

Though I’m generally not a fan of heavy flashback episodes, I do like when villains get to tell their side of the story in a way that’s more subtle and emotionally evocative than the typical last-minute, pre-death, desire for World Domination monologue we typically get in shows like these.

no one can

Yes, Quetsiyah (or “Tess” as she now likes to be called) is clearly a wackadoodle, bunny-burning baddie of the Fatal Attraction mold, who simply can’t get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t love her back .  . .

paranoid controlling crazy

But she’s also smart, savvy, and has a pretty legitimate beef against her old beau, Si . . .

hates me as much

I mean dumping your girlfriend, because you fell in love with her minion?  Understandable.

carry on

But jilting your girlfriend at the altar, stealing her immortality cure, and using it on her minion?  That’s just AWFUL!

everything dying

Torture away, Quetsiyah!  You’ve earned it!

beating up stefan

Did I mention that Silas’ “True Love” looks like this?

amara loving silas

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got to be kidding

I’m officially convinced that in about two seasons, the entire cast of this series will be played by either Nina Dobrev or Paul Wesley.  It’s like Orphan Black for vampires . . .

clone club

Long story, short.  According to Quetsiyah, she finds Amara, forces the cure for immortality down her throat, kills her, rips out her heart and offers it Silas, along with another vial of the cure, so he can die too.  You know, like Romeo and Juliet . . . only really, really gross .  . .

2 21 heart of mine

The problem is that Quetsiyah never planned on letting Silas and Amara be together in the afterlife.  Instead, he created this weird walled off purgatory place where Quetsiyah and Silas would be stuck together, hating one another for all eternity.  Ahhh, now we are back in familiar villain territory . . .

no one can

But then Bonnie dropped the veil, releasing all supernatural beings from purgatory, thus making it possible for “true loves” Silas and Amara to be together again . . . assuming Amara is actually dead, and doesn’t pop up alive and ready to wreak havoc in the season finale . . .

hug bonnie 1

So, now Silas REALLLLY wants to die . . . which means taking The Cure . . . which means killing Katherine and draining it from her body.  Got it?

blood is the cure

So, now we know what Silas wants with Katherine.  And we know that Quetsiyah wants to somehow kill Silas, before he gets the cure, so he can end up back in purgatory with her . . .

nodding oh yeah

We just aren’t sure what Nadia wants with Katherine . . . or why the Scooby Gang seems so intent to keep Katherine from Silas, even if that potentially means Silas staying alive longer than necessary and continuing to torture and mind hump Mystic Falls.  I mean, are we sure Silas needs ALL of Katherine’s blood to get the cure?  Maybe he just needs enough to fill an 8 oz. styrofoam cup?

confused-monkey

To further complicate matters, apparently throughout history, in response to either Silas and Amara becoming immortal though Amara was arguably only immortal for about five minutes or them not being able to be together, “The Universe” has created throughout history about 85,000 people who look like Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev just so they can fall in love and live happily ever after . . .

Damon eye roll

It sounds to me like “The Universe” needs to find a more productive use of its time . . . Maybe it could take up blogging . . .

The Clone Wars

Back at the generically named Joe’s Bar . . .

out of car

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Damon and Elena question Not-Sam Ronson about her new neck hickey.  And Not Sam Ronson rudely poisons Damon with a shot of vervain.  But hey, at least it’s free booze, right?  That stuff’s hard to come by, these days  . . .

damon drinks

Then, Nadia pops in and asks which one of the Nina Dobrevites in the bar is Katherine, so that she can shoot her.  Katherine “gallantly” points to Elena, but Nadia the body-snatching, threesome-having, boyfriend-murdering sexpot wasn’t born yesterday.  She knows a curly haired, saucy, villain-not-quite redeemed Nina Dobrev when she sees one . . .

run kat

kat runs

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Nadia chases Kat into the woods, and, in an odd turn of events, Elena, the same woman who was so intent on murdering Katherine last season that she nearly lost her humanity for good over it, rushes to her rescue . . .

Unfortunately, Elena has never been all that good at rescuing people, and ends up getting her neck snapped by Nadia in the process.

elena neck break2 16 sucks for you

This is your brain on Quetsiyah . . .

Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Damon has finally found Stefan,  who Quetsiyah has helpfully tied to a chair and covered with plant life.  So much for hospitality!  She explains to Damon that she wants to link Stefan’s mind to Silas’ and then fry both of their brains, so Silas can no longer mind control people anymore.  Possible side effects?  Stefan might be forced to spend the rest of his life as a brain dead moron . . .

stefan shrug

Well, at least it’s for a worthy cause.  Let’s do this!

damon approves

I can already tell I like Quetsiyah more than I ever liked Bonnie, because I found the former’s Latin mumblings amidst fire and candles riveting, while whenever the latter does spells, I have this inexplicable desire to throw things at my TV screen . . .

damon pissed nian somerhalder

Stefan is bleeding out of his eyeballs, and Damon looks mildly frightened . . .

damon-s-dance-oJust kidding, I’m sure Big Salvatore was genuinely concerned for Little Salvatore’s well being . . .

Meanwhile, back in the woods, Silas has located Nadia and Katherine.  He is about to mind control Good Ole Nads (that’s my new nickname for her, I just decided) to shoot herself in the heart with a gun.  (I wrote a fanfiction like this once.  Do you think Julie Plec stole my idea?)

scared nads

. . . when suddenly he starts eyeball bleeding too.  This gives Nads and Kat a chance to escape to a hotel, where hopefully they will have the lesbionic love affair fanfiction writers have been dreaming about for five seasons. I mean, come on!  We already know Nads swings both ways . . . and Kat’s always struck me as being a bit “loose” sexually,  if you catch my drift.

now kiss cartoon

You know who’s totally not getting laid though?  Stefan!  He’s all bloody faced and passed out in a chair.  This gives Quetsiyah the opportunity to tell Damon why he should leave his little bro behind to be the wacky witch’s human voodoo doll / love slave . . .

witchy

“Fire hazard, shmire hazard, Steffy . . . I thought you liked candlelight dinners?  (Hint: If you don’t, I’ll make your eyes bleed and chargrill your brain again.)”

According to Quetsiyah, “the Universe” will make sure Stelena is endgame, despite the personal feelings of this particular TV Recapper . . .

go team delena

Damon considers this for a moment, before ultimately deciding to do the “honorable” thing by strangling Quetsiyah, and taking his brain-fried brother home to recover on the couch . . .

no one tells me who i love

“I’m Stefan Salvatore.  Who the f*&k are you?”

ring on finger

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Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena and Damon watch over a still snoozing Stefan, while they jointly agree that they don’t need no stinking Universe’s blessing to bone each other on a regular basis . . .

sexy delena 2

kissing delena

you are my life

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It’s a refreshing show of maturity for Damon’s character – who in the past has shown a tendency toward massively self destructive behavior – that he is refusing to let his own insecurities, or the words of witchy naysayers, get in the way of his relationship with the woman he loves more than life itself. Of all the characters in this show, I would argue that it’s the 175+ year old vampire whose grown the most since the series began . . .

happy elena hugging damon color

We interrupt this heartfelt Delena moment, to bring you the last five minutes of every episode of a daytime soap opera I have ever watched . . .

brain fried stefan

That’s right, boys and girls.  Stefan has amnesia!  SURPRISE!

laughing dan

See ya next time, Fangbangers!

waves

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Hunted – A Review of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 5 Premiere, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

better i know what you

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  It appears we have a lot of catching up to do . . .

long summer damon

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So, tell me, how did you spend YOUR summer?  Did you travel to far off places?

traveling kat

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Meet some new and interesting people?

girls making out

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Get healthy by starting a new . . . um . . . workout routine?

delena sex wow

delena sexing

mabeckah

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Change up your look a bit?

matt possessed by maenad

Black eyes are the new orange . . .

Perhaps, you just spent the summer relaxing by the pool?

more drowning

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To be honest, it’s been so long, I’m just hoping that none of you DIED, and are merely carrying on the facade of living to spare my feelings.  (Please let me know if you are.)

omg dead

Regardless of what . . . or who . . . you were doing this summer, sometimes it’s just nice to return home and connect with old friends.

door kiss

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This week’s TVD Season Premiere saw most of our favorite Mystic Fallians heading into uncharted waters . . . sometimes literally.

drowning stef

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For Caroline and Elena, this meant going from vampires at the top of their high school food chain, to freshmen in college, who can’t attend frat parties, because no one will invite them in . . .

chapter in our lives

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For Damon, this meant staying home and having to babysit unruly humans, while his girlfriend was off having fun, and his brother was .  . . taking a really long bath.

nothing to worry

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For Stefan, this meant interminable and repeated death by drowning . . . all while suffering from the knowledge that his brother and former lover were boning, and his shadow self was off wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls, while wearing his face . . .

beating up stefan

Katherine was forced to relearn the ignominy of running in high heels, and seducing men with her hot body and sexy smoker’s voice, as opposed to merely compelling them to like her like she used to do . . .

god you are hot fyeah katerina and damon

Matt had to endure .   . .  whatever the f*&k happened to him at the end of the episode . . .

poor matt sassquatch 24

And Bonnie had to remain virtually ignored and invisible, while all her friends were out having storylines of their own, barely acknowledging her existence . . .  which, if you think about it, is not too different from what Bonnie does every season.

3 12 bonnie klaus knew youd catch me

In a show where more than 3/4’s of the characters are supernatural, there tends to be a lot of focus on predators and hunters, those with the power to feed on the weak and innocent.  But, at least at the start of Season 5, our Scooby Gang is feeling a lot more vulnerable and unprepared than usual.  They are the prey . . . the hunted.

2 11 run bonnie

Let’s review, shall we?

happy elena

Summertime Blues

Poor Stefan and Bonnie!  All their friends have been so busy having sex with one another, that nobody seemed to notice that they both “died.”

stefan crying gif

That’s the trouble with being a broody loner, Stefan Salvatore.  When you fall off the face of the Earth, everybody just assumes that you need “space,” and not that your evil doppelganger buried you in an underwater tomb for all eternity . . .

elena free stefan

As for Bonnie, her situation is arguably even more pathetic than Stefan’s.  By following said friends and family around unseen, while engaging them in one-sided conversations in which they will never take part, and shouting at them unheard, Bonnie has taken her usual sidekick status to a whole new level:  She’s become a TVD viewer .  . .  a fangirl!  The writers might as well put her on a couch, in front of a flat screen, for all her plot significance.

bonnie not included

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Those of you who have lost someone special in your life, can probably relate to the belief that that person is up in Heaven somewhere looking down on you, doing his or her best to protect you and keep you safe.

always look after you faery in wonderland day after that

And yet, you kind of hope they aren’t watching you ALL the time, right?

privacy important

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I mean, I don’t know how you picture YOUR Heaven.  But in my version, there’s a lot more to do there than simply watch the television channel tuned in to Your Loved Ones broadcast network.  My Heaven is happening place.  The people there party, socialize, and engage in hobbies.  They have LIVES in death.

heard party

So, as much as I think it’s “swell” that Bonnie is spending her ghost moments making sure her friends are happy, and aren’t missing her too much, I also think the writers have painted themselves into a bit of a corner with the character.  They need to either write her a storyline that puts her ghostly tendencies to good use, or write her out of the show.

burning bonnie

Because, honestly, if I wanted to watch someone scream at Damon and Elena completely unnoticed, I’d just put a camera on myself . . .

*gingerly steps off soapbox*

In happier news . . .

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Last season’s TVD finale marked the blossoming of two (sort of) new romantic relationships.  After an entire season characterized pesky sire bond concerns, humanity switches in the off position, arguments about Silas and The Cure, and crippling cases of Survivors Guilt, Damon and Elena FINALLY declared their love for one another the night after Elena’s graduation from high school.

kissing delena

As for Matt and Rebekah, their courtship was much less complicated: a few longing looks, and sexually suggestive comments, culminating in a decision to spend a summer on the road engaged in a good old fashioned no-frills Screwfest . . .

laughing bek

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to prefer my TV relationships unbearably sexually tense, and frustratingly unresolved .  . .

damon soulful crying

What can I say?  I’m a girl who loves the chase?  Romantic bliss bores me . . . at least when it’s of the fictional variety.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by how Damon and Elena and Matt and Rebekah behaved as couples.  I liked that both of these couplings seemed to make all parties involved better versions of themselves.

love you

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The typically straight-laced Elena and Matt seemed happier, more carefree, and, of course, more sexually adventurous under the romantic tutelage of their naughty vampire counterparts.

As for Damon, he remained every bit of the snarky, sex-crazed, vampire I fell in love with three seasons ago.  And yet, finally obtaining the woman of his dreams has given him a certain maturity that his 170+ prior years on Earth never did.  In this episode, alone, we saw him take genuine fatherly concern in the well being of Jeremy Gilbert, the same kid he killed in Season 2 in a drunken rage fueled by romantic rejection.  Now, that’s progress!

damon and jer

damon jer

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What’s more, Damon was willing to put aside the wounds of a 145 year long crush to help an ex-girlfriend in need, no sexual favors required.

help me please

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As for Rebekah, apart from the discovery that she might be bisexual, we learned little about what a summer of European sex with Matt has done for her personality.  But she did seem a bit less bratty than usual, don’t you think?

smirking blondes

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Summer romances are easy.  The weather is hot.  The workloads are lighter.  And we’re all slightly more naked and carefree.

long distance

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The real test of these two functional couples will be weather they can survive the blustery fall and the long bitter cold of winter?  With Elena off having coed college adventures  . . .

shimmy

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 . . . Rebekah embarking on TV spinoff territory, and Matt possibly turning into a Demon spawn, can these loves last through Sweeps Week?  Only time will tell . . .

Vampire College Hijinks

love college

I know comedy is not the main purpose of this show.  But am I the only one who thinks that the writers missed a real opportunity for hilarity by killing off Megan, a.k.a. The Unwanted Third Roommate so quickly?

new megan

I mean, think about it.  These Mystic Falls vamps are so used to living around folks who think it’s totally OK to guzzle from a blood bag, require formal invitations to enter establishments, brainwash pesky teachers and neighbors, and occasionally nibble on a neck or two.

eat her

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Imagine all the fun that could be had by pairing go-with-the-flow vamp Elena and Type-A hyper vamp Caroline with a TRULY CLUELESS college coed (which, I suspect we will learn, Megan actually wasn’t).  I can already picture Elena and Caroline putting scrunchies on the door, to fend off Megan, not when they are having sex like most dorm mates do, but when they are engaging in a blood binge.  (Megan would probably think they were secret lesbians, as opposed to secret vampires.)

catch blood

Caroline’s and Elena’s differing opinions about how to handle Megan also seemed ripe for situation comedy.  I can already see Caroline regularly compelling Megan (once she got her off the “protein” vervain water, of course) to do her bidding, and then going to ridiculous lengths to hide that compulsion from the more gentle-hearted Elena . . .

megan shower

“I swear, Elena.  She just did all my laundry, because she REALLY, REALLY wanted to . . .”

run to college

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But alas, Megan was destined to be Senseless Death Patient Zero in this show known for introducing seemingly important characters to provide product placement, and then die quick and painful deaths 20 minutes into the series . .  .

dead megan

That said, Megan’s odd connection to Elena’s father (suggested by the picture on her cell phone), her seeming knowledge of vampire lore (illustrated by her ownership of vervain, and her casual refusal to get Caroline and Elena invited into the frat party), and the way that her death was clearly perpetrated by, and promptly covered up by a vampire (bite marks . . .  fake suicide note), made for an intriguing introduction to this season’s college-based storyline.

megan and dad

(Speaking of faked suicides, rumor has it that if your college roommate offs themselves during the semester, you get straight A’s for the year.  If Elena’s and Caroline’s attendance records at Whitmore College are anything like the ones they had at Mystic Falls High, that perk is going to come in mighty handy for them this season.)

high school 1

In other college coed news, Caroline is seemingly suddenly single, after her boyfriend Tyler, once again decided to dump her by voicemail, opting to defer his freshman year at Whitmore, in exchange for “helping out a werewolf pack that needs me.”

scared tyler

Yeah . . . because that worked out SOOOO well for you last time, Tyler.

As for everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, with new dude Jess clearly keeping his eye on her, and Klaus just a couple hours away in New Orleans, I suspect she won’t be single for long . . .

crying caroline

jesse

itsdelenalove klaus caroline

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mr. Mom and The Juvenile Delinquents

Damon’s promise to Elena that he’ll be a good little house husband, while she’s off getting her learning on hits a bit of a snag, when he gets an unwanted visitor in the form of a newly human Katherine Pierce.

go away

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One of the problems with spending your 500 years on Earth pretty much pissing off, breaking the hearts of, and/or eating everyone you meet, is that eventually Karma will come back to bite you in the ass in pretty major way.

blisters damon

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Such is the case with Katherine, who has such an impressive talent for losing friends and alienating people that, by the end of the episode, she literally has an ENTIRE TOWN of people out to get her . . .

the kat kiss me or kill me

Katherine may have lost her ability to run in high heels without getting blisters, drink 3 bottles of tequila without getting drunk, compel enemies to do her bidding just by staring at them, and appear perfectly clean despite rarely being seen showering, or brushing her hair . . .  (Seriously, Girlfriend was downright dirty looking this week . . . Thank goodness for Damon’s magical bathtub, or we’d probably be able to smell her through the TV screen.)  But her snarktastic sense of humor, seductive talents, and supremely selfish sense of self-preservation remain refreshingly intact . . .

im a survivor

As difficult as it must have been for Elena’s doppelganger to ask Damon, of all people, for help, she did it without batting an eyelash.  And, in doing so, she succeeded, at least temporarily, in gaining herself a powerful vampire ally in a world where it has literally become almost impossible for humans to survive through midseason .  .  .

everyone die

Of course, by the end of the episode, she screws that up too.  But she still gets points for trying . . .

Speaking of navigating rough terrain, as if being the Creepy Kid Who Sometimes Talks to Dead People didn’t make him enough of an outcast, JerBear now has to add “came back from the dead” and “burned down his childhood home, just because he wanted attention” to his social resume.

talk to ghost

i see dead people

The character’s inherent weirdness aside, I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting high school student would be stupid enough to attempt to beat up Jeremy after getting a look at those crazy muscles he’s sprouted in the past year in a half.  Seriously, DUDE IS JACKED UP!

jer 1

Also, people rumored to have burned down their house?  Their usually not the kind of people you want to mess with.  Just saying . . .

And yet, on Jeremy’s first day back at school as a “real live boy,” he gets picked on by not one, but TWO ridiculously stupid teens.  So, he proceeds to wipe the floor with both of them . . .

beat 1

beat 2beat 3

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Now, I’m not generally a proponent of violence, but those two douchebags had it coming.  No one gets between a 16 year old boy and his cell phone . .. NO ONE!

Under normal circumstances, I suspect Damon Salvatore would be proud of his surrogate baby bro and law for sticking up for himself.  But Jeremy’s impending suspension spells trouble on the horizon between Elena and Damon, the latter of whom PROMISED to keep JerBear on the straight and narrow, while she was away at school .  . .

smirkies

So, Damon tries his hand at the “Dad Thing” offering Jeremy a surprisingly paternal lecture, and getting him accepted back into public school with the help of a little good old fashioned compulsion.  As for the unruly Katherine, he offers her his protection and a much-needed bath.  And so peace at La Casa de Rich and Awesome is restored . . .

damon eternal stud

For about five minutes, anyway . . .

no no on

Dr. Stefan and Mr. Silas

Even underwater and about three-quarters dead, Stefan Salvatore can’t help but be his brooding, mopey self, hallucinating conversations with Damon, in which the latter instructs him to turn off his humanity (just like he told Elena to do last season), and conversations with Elena where she tells him to keep his humanity ON.

Meanwhile, Doppelganger Silas is having FUN!

cheers

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He’s wearing (gasp) un-ironed shirts!

unironed shirt

His hair is less Christian Bale as Batman, and more Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies.

villain hair

ace ventura

He drinks police women’s blood out of styrofoam cups, and then reads their minds, just because he can  . . .

unkillable immortal psychic

psychic 2

psychic 3

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He knocks directly into Jeremy’s recently-healed over Hunter tattoo at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, silently daring the the former killer to recognize him as Silas.

He gets all flirty with Katherine in the bathtub, and then, mere seconds later, tries to strangle her, like its the most natural thing in the world.

human better on you

flirting

kilas

When she slashes his face with a straight razor, and runs away from him he seems more amused than annoyed . . . the Devil’s version of foreplay.

cut and run

Whereas Klaus’ villainy came from a place of impulsivity, a hunger for power, and a subconscious need for love and attention, Silas is much more purposeful and single-minded, always appearing to be at least one step ahead of his adversaries.

3 1 evil stefan look

When Damon instructs Jeremy and Katherine to drive far away and not tell Damon where they are going (so that Silas cannot lift that information from Damon’s mind), Silas cleverly offers up the whereabouts of Stefan (who, up until this point, Damon did not even know was missing in the first place), in exchange for Damon turning in Katherine.

3 4 partner in crime kat hump

But Katherine’s pretty single minded too, when it comes to saving her ass.  And she orchestrates her own escape at Jeremy’s expense, by crashing Baby Gilbert’s car, while she and Mr. Muscles are still inside.

(OK, people REALLY have to stop murdering this kid.  It’s getting old . . .)

taking care of you

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It’s Daddy Damon to the rescue!  He lovingly holds JerBear in his arms, and nurses him back to life, by feeding him his own blood . . .

wake up kill you

jer bear hug

How sweet . . . and kind of gross . . .

By the time all this is happening, Katherine, of course, is long gone . . . but for how long?  And what exactly does Silas want from her anyway?  Methinks it has something to do with that annoying ass Cure they kept babbling on about last season .  . . the same Cure that now courses through Katherine’s veins . . . making her vulnerable, yet, at the same time, valuable.

the kat thank me brought cure

In other words . . . she’s Elena 3.0 .  . .

Ain’t No Party Like a Mystic Falls Party . . .

If I lived in Mystic Falls, one thing I would never ever do is attend a party, or memorial service, or period-themed dance, or graduation ceremony, or film showing of the movie classic, Gone with the Wind . . .

know how to party

In fact, I’ve become entirely convinced that Mystic Falls parties are part of a suicide pact among Mystic Falls residents.  They attend out of some mutually held agreement to regularly thin out the population, kind of like that short story I had to read in school called The Lottery, where spoiler alert, the winning townspeople got stoned to death . . .

This year’s “End of Summer” party is no different.

Matt meets up with the pretty lady Rebekah made out with in Europe at the beginning of the episode.  The good news?  She flirts with him, and gives him back his much coveted Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  The bad news . . . Matt has officially become one of the ill fated Bon Temps residents from Season 2 of True Blood.  Anyone whose seen the show knows exactly what I’m talking about . . .

matt possessed by maenad

maenad

This is what happens to you when you let strange men sneak up behind you and give you scalp massages while chanting in Latin, Matt!

behind you

Silly boy!

So, who the heck is this Nadia check, anyway?  And why is she giving Matt the black-color contact treatment?

nadia

Feel free to post your guesses in the comment section.

In other news, this Mystic Falls Party had a super special guest speaker . . .

SURPRISE!  IT’S SILAS!

killing the mayor

Silas’ first order of business?  Kill the Mayor?  Why?  Because it’s fun!

stefan shrug

Also, because the Mayors on these types of shows pretty much always have to be brutally murdered.  It’s like Supernatural Teen Show Rule Number 1.

Sorry Bonnie.  The bad news is that this show clearly hates you.  The good news.  Now you have a ghost dad!  Ghost Dads are fun!  Just ask Bill Cosby!

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Next order of business, hypnotize the entire town to become your mindless Katherine Hunting Slaves .  . .

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Now, admittedly that was pretty impressive.  But also kind of unnecessary.  Why didn’t Silas just brainwash Katherine, back when he had her in the tub?  She’s human after all, and presumably entirely susceptible to that sort of thing.

compelling kat

Then again, I guess if he did that the story would be over, and we wouldn’t have a show.  So, here’s to overly complicated plans for the murder of a single individual!  Cheers!

klaus cheers

Next time on TVD . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

waves

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

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Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

not every ghost

ones like me

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Old scores were settled . . .

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And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

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Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

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And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

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He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Raphael in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles is due in 2013

Let’s review, shall we?

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The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

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Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

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I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

connor jordan

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This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

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This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

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Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

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Yeah . . . not so much . . .

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Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

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Damon eye roll

Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

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The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

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Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

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Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

frustrated kat

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

katherine ing

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

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“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

ponder kat

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

santa klaus

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

BabyScared

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

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Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

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This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

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Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

dancing elena

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

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Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

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When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

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Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

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She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

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Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

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Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

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Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

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So, she stakes his ass.

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This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

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Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

team bad ass

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

ian says awesome

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

not every ghostones like me

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Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

kind of dead

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

single tear alaric

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

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“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

damon soulful crying

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

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That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

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“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

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“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

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Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

surrounded by idiots

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

not that i know guildens fern

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

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“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

beating up stefan

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

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Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

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But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

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SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

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Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

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Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

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I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

dead jer 2And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

nodding oh yeah

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

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Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

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Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

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Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

how many times

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Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

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Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

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Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

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Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

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No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

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Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

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But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

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“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

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And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

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“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

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At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

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I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

damon and alaric

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

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And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

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And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

soap dish smash

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

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Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

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I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

go team delena

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

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Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie