Happy Post-Halloween, Fangbangers? Still nursing that pesky Candy Hangover?
Are you currently grappling with the naughty things you might have done, while wearing someone else’s face?
Perhaps, your just a teensy bit bummed, because this Halloween wasn’t quite as epic, as you hoped it would be?
Whatever your current early-Novembery mood, this recap is sure to . . . not change it at all . . .
But it will make you feel a bit better about your family and friends, who I assume have never broken your neck multiple times in a single evening, just so your evil doppelganger could hit on his ex-girlfriend . . .
. . . or stabbed you in the stomach on the day of your family reunion . . .
. . . or fed you to a hungry vampire, encouraged him to drain you entirely of blood, and then seemed slightly disappointed when you didn’t actually die . . .
If you had family and friends like those, a tummy ache and a crappy Halloween would be the least of your problems . . .
See? I bet your life is looking better to you already!
Let’s review, shall we?
A Long Time Ago, I Used to Have Friends . . .
After abandoning you for four seasons, and burning you to shreds back when I lost my humanity, I’ve decided to recycle you as a lame recapping plot device. Congrats?
Sitting alone beneath the Saddest Tree at Whitmore College, Elena helpfully recaps for us, via Diary-writing Inner Monologue, the “Previously On the Vampire Diaries” sequence that just ended two seconds ago. I strongly suspect this is because Elena fears that some fans of this show
and a few of its writers suffer from extreme short-term memory loss, and can only remember what’s going on with the show at the very minute they are watching it . . . Wait, did I just type that? I don’t remember typing that . . .
In her monologue, Elena suggests that her Diary might be “tired of her talking about Death.” This statement taught me a number of things I never knew about diaries. First, apparently, when you burn your diary, its soul and memories get transferred forward to every diary you will ever have in the future. So, no matter how nice you might be to your current diary, it will always remember you as a book-murdering, death babbling on about, b*tch. Second, your diary is reading everything you write in it for entertainment value, and silently judges you whenever you don’t deliver. In short, diaries are Major Asshats.
Speaking of Major Asshats, Elena is being one to Damon by ignoring his calls, while he’s standing right behind her, watching her ignore his calls. When Damon calls Elena on her crap she
calmly explains that she is too busy waxing poetic to a Diary that secretly hates her guts to have sex with a guy that looks like this naked . . .
Doctor Damon promptly diagnoses his suddenly-frigid girlfriend with “Survivor’s Guilt.” But I think it’s that pesky short term memory loss again. Elena simply doesn’t remember how awesome sex with Damon was! Well, Elena, since you were so helpful in recapping the recap of the show two minutes after it aired, please allow me to return the favor . . .
You’re welcome . . .
You see, Elena, sex with hot people is very powerful. It magically makes you to forget all the bad things about your life and relationships. Just look at Tyler and Caroline!
The writers only let these two see one another about once a season, for conjugal visits. And yet, all it takes is a few minutes of hot hybrid humping, and Tyler and Caroline are suddenly convinced that they are the best, most well-adjusted, couple in Mystic Falls
(not that they have all that much competition . . . I mean, Jeremy exclusively dates corpses).
Maybe if you started dating live women, for a change, you wouldn’t have to keep ruining your shirts out of sexual frustration . . .
Speaking of corpses, Bonnie is still lurking around town watching, of all things, Elena writing in her diary. BO-RRRRING! Maybe, being dead kills your libido. Because Ghost Me would totally be spending my Eternity-in-Limbo watching the Forwood Sex happening upstairs, or back in Mystic Falls, watching Jeremy bone Oriental Rugs . . .
Your DEAD, Bon-Bon. It’s high time you got your priorities in order . . .
Speaking of attractive people who can’t move on with their lives, check out New Sexy Blonde Guy, who stops by Dead Megan’s memorial daily to leave flowers
and attract girls like Elena for whom Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets are like catnip . . .
Elena visits New Sexy Blonde Guy to get his name and make some innocent conversation. But he is not buying what she is selling, and blows her off without fanfare. Well played, New Sexy Blonde Guy! Elena already has enough Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets to build her own harem. Let the rest of us have a chance!
Elena, Elena, Elena!
Everybody is all a-buzz about the
Random Weekly Event / Excuse to Get All the Characters In the Same Place Whitmore Costume Ball, except for the finally Shirtless (Yay!) Cinderella Jesse, whose Evil Step Professor is forcing him to stay strapped to a table and be subject to stupid experiments that only seem to confirm what everybody and their mother already knew about recently-turned vampires . . .
Let’s see, they . . . are SENSITIVE TO SOUNDS AND SUNLIGHT!
They LIKE BLOOD!
THEIR TEETH GET POINTY BEFORE THEY FEED!
As much as I like seeing you half-naked, Jesse, don’t let that douchebag do you dirty like this. You are a NEW, RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF VAMPIRE, DAMMIT! Compel the guy into believing he’s a piece of Salisbury Steak, eat his ass, and get out of there!
Professor Medium-Rare field
Meanwhile, over in a fleabag motel, somewhere in the U.S., Katherine gorges on trans fats, while Nadia breaks the news to her about Silas’ plans for her blood. It turns out the “Diabolical One” won’t be content with just a stryrofoam cup filled with Katherine’s delicious blood. He needs ALL OF IT! (This is true, even though the actual Cure for Vampirism that Katherine drank was only the size of a thimble.)
Yikes! That’s a mighty big meal for a skinny guy! Ever hear of portion control, PIG?
At least now we know where Stefan gets his appetite . . . and his super fast metabolism . . .
Ridiculous Stupid Suicidal Extremely Dumb Awful Great Idea
“Hey,” says Damon to Jer Bear, as the two lounge around La Casa de Rich and Awesome because their dead girlfriends won’t or can’t sleep with them. “I’ve got an awesome idea! Let’s risk all of our lives, and possibly bring about the Apocalypse, by aligning ourselves with the Sociopathic Mind-Controlling Vampire/Witch Freak, who looks just like my brother, so that we can bring Bonnie back from the dead, and Elena will be ever-so-slightly less miserable
and maybe start having sex with me again.”
To which, Jer Bear replies, “
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hey, why not? I was planning on a busy day of doing push-ups and chopping wood half-naked.
But this sounds like fun too! Besides, it’s not as though Damon’s plans ever go horribly wrong . . .”
Meanwhile, Bonnie is shaking her head in disapproval, thinking to herself, “Why am I sexually attracted to this kid, when he’s clearly a moron?”
Then, she remembers what he looks like with his shirt off, and decides to keep her mouth shut.
So, what’s the grand plan? Basically it involves everyone going to the Ball (SURPRISE!), so that they can track down Quetsiyah, who will be picking up some sort of Mystical Anchor thingy. Then, they are going to take that Mystical Anchor thingy and give it to Silas, so that he can drink Katherine’s blood, turn into a mortal witch, and resurrect Bonnie right before he dies.
P.S. For some inexplicable reason (Comedy for Delena Fans?), this plan involves killing Stefan multiple times, thereby breaking the bond between the two Doppelgangers, and allowing Silas to read / mind control Quetsiyah.
[OK, Vampire Diaries Mythology Experts, I have two questions for you: (1) If Silas’ big plan was merely to find out where Quetsiyah was hiding the Mystical Anchor thingy, why didn’t he just have someone else tail her at the party . . . someone who didn’t possess the face shes hated for over 1,000 years?
(2) If Silas could always read / mind control Quetsiyah, before the witch mentally linked him to and subsequently brain-fried his doppelganger (as we saw him do at one point during the episode), why didn’t he simply brainwash her to undo her spell, thereby allowing him to live in the after life with Amara centuries ago?]
Now, that we’re all thoroughly confused, let’s head to the party shall we?
Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1492 . . .
The best part of every TVD themed-dance episode is inevitably the costumes. And this episode is no exception. Caroline and Tyler attend the Whitmore Costume Ball as Bonnie and Clyde . . .
Damon and Elena go as a pre-fat and stinky gout-footed Henry VIII and a pre-beheaded Anne Boleyn, respectively (How romantic?) . . .
I can barely tell the two apart!
Amnesia Stefan attends as
Season 3 Ripper Stefan James Dean . . .
Severus Snape Dickhead Maxfield dresses up as Dr. Jekyll.
(Though without the hat, he kind of just looks like a guy in a suit . . .)
And Hot Sexy Blonde Guy goes as “that one douchebag at every costume party, who thinks he’s too cool to dress up, and therefore, wears a lame shirt with a tuxedo drawn on the front.”
Meanwhile, at some greasy spoon diner, Nadia and Katherine consume even more trans fats (though neither of these women look as though they’ve ever so much as looked at a french fry, let alone swallowed one). While they munch, Nadia interrogates Katherine about her dark past of female friend betrayal, before admitting to her that Katherine had sold out and gotten her mother killed. And, because of this, Nadia turned herself into a vampire, so that she could better follow her around for 500 years, without . . . you know . . . getting old and dying and stuff. . .
“Really, I just did it because I knew, if I stopped looking like this, it would be much more difficult for me to have threesomes with random people I ran into while traveling through Europe.”
(What is it about Katherine that possesses people to spend their entire eternity doing a REALLY, REALLY bad job of finding her? Damon did it for 150 years . . . Klaus and this chick . . . for 500. As someone who, as a child, couldn’t play Hide-in-go-Seek for more than two rounds without getting bored and going back in the house to play video games, I’m intrigued . . .)
Convinced the foreign vampire chick is trying to kill her, Katherine stakes Nadia in the heart, knowing full well that this will not kill her, because her heart is all greased up from all the fatty foods they just consumed. (Huh? Is that an actual thing? Does this mean that fat, unhealthy, high cholesterol having vampires are more immortal than other vampires?)
It turns out Katherine knows that Nadia was lying about her story, since, after the first few months or so, even Klaus’ inept minions weren’t stupid enough to mistake another woman for Katherine. It is then that Nadia admits the truth, Katherine killed her mother, not by turning her in to Katherine’s minions, but by hanging herself in a cave and turning vamp. You see, Nadia is Katherine’s daughter, the one who was taken away from Katherine because she had it out of wedlock, shortly before Klaus killed her entire family and hunted her down . ..
Awww, how touching! A mother – daughter reunion. Katherine and Nadia would have totally tearfully hugged, were it not for the 6-inch steak sticking out of Nadia’s heart.
I wonder if Hallmark sells a Mother’s Day Card that says, “I love you, even though you pretty much ruined my life, and traumatized me for all eternity.”
If they don’t yet, they totally should . . .
Like Lambs to Slaughter . . .
Ever a glutton for punishment, Amnesia Stefan decides to hit on, of all people, the chick who fried his brains, Quetsiyah. (Stefan’s always been a sucker for women who make him act stupid . . .)
Damon gallantly rescues his brother from possible future heartbreak, by breaking his neck instead . . .
(There should be a Hallmark card for that too.)
While Stefan is snoozing away in the foyer, Silas is working his magic on Quetsiyah. He quickly learns that Quetsiyah doesn’t know where the Mystic Anchor is, because Nadia and the Travelers hid it
(it’s clearly inside Matt, and can only be extracted using the knife Gregor is hiding in his house). So, she’s using a locket of hers that miraculously made its way to one of the display cases at the party to perform a locator spell.
Poor Baby Silas gets a headache, every time Stefan starts to wake up from being dead.
So, Damon gladly provides his new friend with virtual Aspirin, by killing his brother every four to six
hours minutes, as directed. (Talk about whacked priorities. Then again, this is the guy who is risking the lives of the entire town to bring back from the dead a girl he never seemed to like all that much, whose death he failed to notice for over four months. . . )
Elsewhere at the ball, Caroline would very much like to have Kinky Handcuff Sex with Tyler. But he turns her down, because he has to pack and be in New Orleans by Tuesday, 8 p.m. / 7 p.m Central to guest star on The Originals . . .
It turns out Tyler is still a bit sore at Klaus for making the younger hybrid temporarily gay for him, mind controlling him to almost kill his girlfriend, and then actually killing his mother and hybrid buddies. He wants revenge, even though the kind of revenge he can get is pretty darn limited considering that killing Klaus will result in Tyler’s death, as well as the death of basically every character in the entire CW franchise, due to that whole “bloodline” thing . . .
Caroline goes all Taylor Swift on Tyler, telling him that if he walks out on her now, they are “Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (No, not ever.).”
And then he leaves . . . again . . . for the 465th time.
Elena sees New Sexy Blonde Guy looking sad by the punch bowl and compels him into telling her his name (Aaron) and sob story (“Everyone I love dies.”)
Awwww, how sweet! It looks like Elena has found herself a Kindred Spirit Grim Reaper. Watch out coeds of Whitmore College! With these two allied together, it’s highly unlikely any of you will live long enough to ever don a cap and gown . . .
Speaking of people I wouldn’t trust my life with, Elena shares a creepy, highly inappropriate dance, with Professor-I-Like-to-Torture-My-Students-For-Fun-And-Call-It-Research
kind of like the toady looking teacher who always wore pink in Book 5 of the Harry Potter series Maxfield. During the dance, the Professor tells Elena that he thinks a vampire killed Megan . . .
(“You mean to tell me a vampire killed someone on a Vampire Show? LUDICROUS!”)
He also warns Elena that people are on to her true identity, and she should leave school ASAP, before they find her . . . bad people . . . the kind of people who strap their hot teaching assistants down to operating tables and perform stupid, but highly painful, experiments on them to prove things they already know . . .
OOPS, did I say that?
P.S. Professor Maxfield has some kind of familial relationship with Hot Grim Reaper Aaron . . . you know, because if a character on this show has the same hair color as another character on this show they are almost always relatives of one another . . .
Hey Matt, you are blonde and seem low on family members? How’d you like to inherit a douchey professor dad, and dour collegiate fraternal twin brother?
And Now, for the Grand Finale . . .
Stefan awakens once again, but fakes death long enough to catch Damon off guard and snap his neck for a change. Brothers are the best, aren’t they?
Then, he rushes to tell Quetsiyah that she’s been hitting on the wrong Paul Wesley look-alike. Quetsiyah responds by sticking her hand in Silas’ chest and squeezing his heart like its a stress ball, until his body dries out.
(Wait? I thought only vampires and people from the show Once Upon a Time could do that? Apparently, witches can too? Do not try this at home, practicers of Wicca!)
Once Damon wakes up from being dead, he dutifully carries his new pal, ash-hearted Silas home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wait out his temporary death on the couch like everyone else on this show does. (They should really consider getting that leather cleaned.)
Elena comes home and seems less than bothered by the fact that a creepy Stefan lookalike is rotting on the couch where she and Damon sometimes screw. She’s even less bothered when Damon casually invites Katherine over and haphazardly feeds her to Silas. The two watch vacant-eyed and expressionless as the woman Damon once loved for 150 year, who looks just like Elena, has the life drained out of her by Stefan’s Evil Twin.
It is weird and highly unsettling. But maybe their humanity switches were on the fritz. It’s happened before.
Besides, it’s for a good cause! Elena’s pet Bonnie is dead. And everyone who’s ever seen the movie Pet Cemetery knows that bringing your pets back to life at all costs is always, always a good idea . . .
Then, Katherine wakes up from the dead and wonders, quite logically, if she’s in Hell.
Worse, honey . . . you’re in Mystic Falls . . .
Until next week, Fangbangers!