Tag Archives: Michael Trevino

Bloody Tricks and Sucky Treats – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Monster’s Ball”

rawr damon

Happy Post-Halloween, Fangbangers?  Still nursing that pesky Candy Hangover?

eating kat

Are you currently grappling with the naughty things you might have done, while wearing someone else’s face?

shadow self

Perhaps, your just a teensy bit bummed, because this Halloween wasn’t quite as epic, as you hoped it would be?

dear great pumpkin

got a rock

Whatever your current early-Novembery mood,  this recap is sure to . . . not change it at all . . .

soap dish smash

But it will make you feel a bit better about your family and friends, who I assume have never broken your neck multiple times in a single evening, just so your evil doppelganger could hit on his ex-girlfriend . . .

neck breaking

Source

. . . or stabbed you in the stomach on the day of your family reunion . . .

sad nadia

. . . or fed you to a hungry vampire, encouraged him to drain you entirely of blood, and then seemed slightly disappointed when you didn’t actually die . . .

im a survivor

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

If you had family and friends like those, a tummy ache and a crappy Halloween would be the least  of your problems . . .

life sucks get a helmet

See?  I bet your life is looking better to you already!

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

A Long Time Ago, I Used to Have Friends . . .

diary writing

Source

Dear Diary,

After abandoning you for four seasons, and burning you to shreds  back when I lost my humanity, I’ve decided to recycle you as a lame recapping plot device.  Congrats?

Sitting alone beneath the Saddest Tree at Whitmore College, Elena helpfully recaps for us, via Diary-writing Inner Monologue, the “Previously On the Vampire Diaries” sequence that just ended two seconds ago.  I strongly suspect this is because Elena fears that some fans of this show and a few of its writers suffer from extreme short-term memory loss, and can only remember what’s going on with the show at the very minute they are watching it . . .

Wait, did I just type that?  I don’t remember typing that . . .

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

3 16 chipmunk fearisforthewinter

3 16 told him joe fearisfor

3 16 lie will haunt fear is for

In her monologue, Elena suggests that her Diary might be “tired of her talking about Death.”  This statement taught me a number of things I never knew about diaries.  First, apparently, when you burn your diary, its soul and memories get transferred forward to every diary you will ever have in the future.  So, no matter how nice you might be to your current diary, it will always remember you as a book-murdering, death babbling on about, b*tch.  Second, your diary is reading everything you write in it for entertainment value, and silently judges you whenever you don’t deliver.  In short, diaries are Major Asshats.

laughing dan

Speaking of Major Asshats, Elena is being one to Damon by ignoring his calls, while he’s standing right behind her, watching her ignore his calls.  When Damon calls Elena on her crap she calmly explains that she is too busy waxing poetic to a Diary that secretly hates her guts to have sex with a guy that looks like this naked . . .

wet damon 2

Doctor Damon promptly diagnoses his suddenly-frigid girlfriend with “Survivor’s Guilt.” But I think it’s that pesky short term memory loss again.  Elena simply doesn’t remember how awesome sex with Damon was!  Well, Elena, since you were so helpful  in recapping the recap of the show two minutes after it aired, please allow me to return the favor . . .

more sex

sex y delena 1

delena sex big

You’re welcome . . .

You see, Elena, sex with hot people is very powerful.  It magically makes you to forget all the bad things about your life and relationships.  Just look at Tyler and Caroline!

post coit

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

taroline sex

The writers only let these two see one another about once a season, for conjugal visits.  And yet, all it takes is a few minutes of hot hybrid humping,  and Tyler and Caroline are suddenly convinced that they are the best, most well-adjusted, couple in Mystic Falls (not that they have all that much competition .  . . I mean, Jeremy exclusively dates corpses).

defans jeremy hulk

Maybe if you started dating live women, for a change, you wouldn’t have to keep ruining your shirts out of sexual frustration .  . .

Speaking of corpses, Bonnie is still lurking around town watching, of all things, Elena writing in her diary.  BO-RRRRING!  Maybe, being dead kills your libido.  Because Ghost Me would totally be spending my Eternity-in-Limbo watching the Forwood Sex happening upstairs, or back in Mystic Falls, watching Jeremy bone Oriental Rugs . . .

jer bear pushups

Your DEAD, Bon-Bon.  It’s high time you got your priorities in order . . .

Speaking of attractive people who can’t move on with their lives, check out New Sexy Blonde Guy, who stops by Dead Megan’s memorial daily to leave flowers and attract girls like Elena for whom Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets are like catnip . . .

sad shaun sipos

Elena visits New Sexy Blonde Guy to get his name and make some innocent conversation.  But he is not buying what she is selling, and blows her off without fanfare.  Well played, New Sexy Blonde Guy!  Elena already has enough Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets to build her own harem.  Let the rest of us have a chance!

marcia marcia marcia

Elena, Elena, Elena!

Everybody is all a-buzz about the Random Weekly Event / Excuse to Get All the Characters In the Same Place Whitmore Costume Ball, except for the finally Shirtless (Yay!) Cinderella Jesse, whose Evil Step Professor is forcing him to stay strapped to a table and be subject to stupid experiments that only seem to confirm what everybody and their mother already knew about recently-turned vampires . . .

jesse vamp

Source

Let’s see, they . . . are SENSITIVE TO SOUNDS AND SUNLIGHT!

duh told you so

They LIKE BLOOD!

ep 9 obviously stiles

THEIR TEETH GET POINTY BEFORE THEY FEED!

Damon eye roll

As much as I like seeing you half-naked, Jesse, don’t let that douchebag do you dirty like this.  You are a NEW, RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF VAMPIRE, DAMMIT!  Compel the guy into believing he’s a piece of Salisbury Steak, eat his ass, and get out of there!

meat with eyes

Professor Medium-Rare field

Meanwhile, over in a fleabag motel, somewhere in the U.S., Katherine gorges on trans fats, while Nadia breaks the news to her about Silas’ plans for her blood.  It turns out the “Diabolical One” won’t be content with just a stryrofoam cup filled with Katherine’s delicious blood.  He needs ALL OF IT!  (This is true, even though the actual Cure for Vampirism that Katherine drank was only the size of a thimble.)

the kat thank me brought cure

Yikes!  That’s a mighty big meal for a skinny guy!  Ever hear of portion control, PIG?

2 22 bloody stefan

At least now we know where Stefan gets his appetite . . . and his super fast metabolism . . .

Damon’s Ridiculous  Stupid   Suicidal   Extremely Dumb   Awful Great Idea

“Hey,” says Damon to Jer Bear, as the two lounge around La Casa de Rich and Awesome because their dead girlfriends won’t or can’t sleep with them.  “I’ve got an awesome idea!  Let’s risk all of our lives, and possibly bring about the Apocalypse, by aligning ourselves with the Sociopathic Mind-Controlling Vampire/Witch Freak, who looks just like my brother, so that we can bring Bonnie back from the dead, and Elena will be ever-so-slightly less miserable and maybe start having sex with me again.”

lightbulb-idea

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To which, Jer Bear replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Hey, why not? I was planning on a busy day of doing push-ups and chopping wood half-naked.

jer 1

But this sounds like fun too!  Besides, it’s not as though Damon’s plans ever go horribly wrong . . .”

dead jer 2

Meanwhile, Bonnie is shaking her head in disapproval, thinking to herself, “Why am I sexually attracted to this kid, when he’s clearly a moron?”

team bonnie its delena love

Then, she remembers what he looks like with his shirt off, and decides to keep her mouth shut.

more fondle

So, what’s the grand plan?  Basically it involves everyone going to the Ball (SURPRISE!), so that they can track down Quetsiyah, who will be picking up some sort of Mystical Anchor thingy.  Then, they are going to take that Mystical Anchor thingy and give it to Silas, so that he can drink Katherine’s blood, turn into a mortal witch, and resurrect Bonnie right before he dies.

no no on

P.S. For some inexplicable reason (Comedy for Delena Fans?), this plan involves killing Stefan multiple times, thereby breaking the bond between the two Doppelgangers, and allowing Silas to read / mind control Quetsiyah.

stefan shrug

[OK, Vampire Diaries Mythology Experts, I have two questions for you:  (1) If Silas’ big plan was merely to find out where Quetsiyah was hiding the Mystical Anchor thingy, why didn’t he just have someone else tail her at the party . . . someone who didn’t possess the face shes hated for over 1,000 years?

quet

(2) If Silas could always read / mind control Quetsiyah, before the witch mentally linked him to and subsequently brain-fried his doppelganger (as we saw him do at one point during the episode), why didn’t he simply brainwash her to undo her spell, thereby allowing him to live in the after life with Amara centuries ago?]

brain fried stefan

“Doh!”

Now, that we’re all thoroughly confused, let’s head to the party shall we?

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1492  . . .

stefan drunk verge of

Source

The best part of every TVD themed-dance episode is inevitably the costumes.  And this episode is no exception.  Caroline and Tyler attend the Whitmore Costume Ball as Bonnie and Clyde . . .

bonnie and clyde big

bonnie and clyde

Damon and Elena go as a pre-fat and stinky gout-footed Henry VIII and a pre-beheaded Anne Boleyn, respectively (How romantic?) . . .

halloween

I can barely tell the two apart!

8th couple

Amnesia Stefan attends as Season 3 Ripper Stefan James Dean . . .

3 2 hello brother stefan

james dean

Professor Severus Snape   Dickhead   Maxfield dresses up as Dr. Jekyll.

wes max

Source

(Though without the hat, he kind of just looks like a guy in a suit . . .)

And Hot Sexy Blonde Guy goes as “that one douchebag at every costume party, who thinks he’s too cool to dress up, and therefore, wears a lame shirt with a tuxedo drawn on the front.”

aaron in tux

Meanwhile, at some greasy spoon diner, Nadia and Katherine consume even more trans fats (though neither of these women look as though they’ve ever so much as looked at a french fry, let alone swallowed one).  While they munch, Nadia interrogates Katherine about her dark past of female friend betrayal, before admitting to her that Katherine had sold out and gotten her mother killed.  And, because of this, Nadia turned herself into a vampire, so that she could better follow her around for 500 years, without . . . you know . . . getting old and dying and stuff. . .

nadia

“Really, I just did it because I knew, if I stopped looking like this, it would be much more difficult for me to have threesomes with random people I ran into while traveling through Europe.”

(What is it about Katherine that possesses people to spend their entire eternity doing a REALLY, REALLY bad job of finding her?  Damon did it for 150 years .  . . Klaus and this chick . . . for 500.  As someone who, as a child, couldn’t play Hide-in-go-Seek for more than two rounds without getting bored and going back in the house to play video games, I’m intrigued . . .)

Convinced the foreign vampire chick is trying to kill her, Katherine stakes Nadia in the heart, knowing full well that this will not kill her, because her heart is all greased up from all the fatty foods they just consumed.   (Huh?  Is that an actual thing?  Does this mean that fat, unhealthy, high cholesterol having vampires are more immortal than other vampires?)

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

It turns out Katherine knows that Nadia was lying about her story, since, after the first few months or so, even Klaus’ inept minions weren’t stupid enough to mistake another woman for Katherine.  It is then that Nadia admits the truth, Katherine killed her mother, not by turning her in to Katherine’s minions, but by hanging herself in a cave and turning vamp.   You see, Nadia is Katherine’s daughter, the one who was taken away from Katherine because she had it out of wedlock, shortly before Klaus killed her entire family and hunted her down . ..

katherine

Awww, how touching!  A mother – daughter reunion.  Katherine and Nadia would have totally tearfully hugged, were it not for the 6-inch steak sticking out of Nadia’s heart.

first stabbing

I wonder if Hallmark sells a Mother’s Day Card that says, “I love you, even though you pretty much ruined my life, and traumatized me for all eternity.”

If they don’t yet, they totally should . . .

Like Lambs to Slaughter . . .

Ever a glutton for punishment, Amnesia Stefan decides to hit on, of all people, the chick who fried his brains, Quetsiyah.  (Stefan’s always been a sucker for women who make him act stupid . . .)

stefan shrug

Damon gallantly rescues his brother from possible future heartbreak, by breaking his neck instead  . . .

(There should be a Hallmark card for that too.)

While Stefan is snoozing away in the foyer, Silas is working his magic on Quetsiyah.  He quickly learns that Quetsiyah doesn’t know where the Mystic Anchor is, because Nadia and the Travelers hid it (it’s clearly inside Matt, and can only be extracted using the knife Gregor is hiding in his house).  So, she’s using a locket of hers that miraculously made its way to one of the display cases at the party to perform a locator spell.

witchy

Poor Baby Silas gets a headache, every time Stefan starts to wake up from being dead.

stefan crying gif

So, Damon gladly provides his new friend with virtual Aspirin, by killing his brother every four to six hours minutes, as directed.  (Talk about whacked priorities.  Then again, this is the guy who is risking the lives of the entire town to bring back from the dead a girl he never seemed to like all that much, whose death he failed to notice for over four months. . . )

damon dont judge

Elsewhere at the ball, Caroline would very much like to have Kinky Handcuff Sex with Tyler.  But he turns her down, because he has to pack and be in New Orleans by Tuesday, 8 p.m. / 7 p.m Central to guest star on The Originals  . . .

originals poster

It turns out Tyler is still a bit sore at Klaus for making the younger hybrid temporarily gay for him, mind controlling him to almost kill his girlfriend, and then actually killing his mother and hybrid buddies.  He wants revenge, even though the kind of revenge he can get is pretty darn limited considering that killing Klaus will result in Tyler’s death, as well as the death of basically every character in the entire CW franchise, due to that whole “bloodline” thing . . .

tyler points

Caroline goes all Taylor Swift on Tyler, telling him that if he walks out on her now, they are “Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (No, not ever.).”

the walk away

Source

And then he leaves  . . .  again . . . for the 465th time.

Elena sees New Sexy Blonde Guy looking sad by the punch bowl and compels him into telling her his name (Aaron) and sob story (“Everyone I love dies.”)

everyone die

cant feel

Awwww, how sweet!  It looks like Elena has found herself a Kindred Spirit Grim Reaper.  Watch out coeds of Whitmore College!  With these two allied together, it’s highly unlikely any of you will live long enough to ever don a cap and gown .  . .

grim reapers at CVS

Speaking of people I wouldn’t trust my life with, Elena shares a creepy, highly inappropriate dance, with Professor-I-Like-to-Torture-My-Students-For-Fun-And-Call-It-Research kind of like the toady looking teacher who always wore pink in Book 5 of the Harry Potter series Maxfield.  During the dance, the Professor tells Elena that he thinks a vampire killed Megan . . .

surprised-face

(“You mean to tell me a vampire killed someone on a Vampire Show?  LUDICROUS!”)

He also warns Elena that people are on to her true identity, and she should leave school ASAP, before they find her . . . bad people . . . the kind of people who strap their hot teaching assistants down to operating tables and perform stupid, but highly painful, experiments on them to prove things they already know . . .

OOPS, did I say that?

wes max

P.S. Professor Maxfield has some kind of familial relationship with Hot Grim Reaper Aaron . . .  you know, because if a character on this show has the same hair color as another character on this show they are almost always relatives of one another  . . .

Hey Matt, you are blonde and seem low on family members?   How’d you like to inherit a douchey professor dad, and dour collegiate fraternal twin brother?

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

And Now, for the Grand Finale . . .

Stefan awakens once again, but fakes death long enough to catch Damon off guard and snap his neck for a change.  Brothers are the best, aren’t they?

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Then, he rushes to tell Quetsiyah that she’s been hitting on the wrong Paul Wesley look-alike.  Quetsiyah responds by sticking her hand in Silas’ chest and squeezing his heart like its a stress ball, until his body dries out.

heart grab one

heart grab two

Source

(Wait?  I thought only vampires and people from the show Once Upon a Time could do that?  Apparently, witches can too?  Do not try this at home, practicers of Wicca!)

rebekah heart

open heart surgery

Once Damon wakes up from being dead, he dutifully carries his new pal, ash-hearted Silas home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wait out his temporary death on the couch like everyone else on this show does.  (They should really consider getting that leather cleaned.)

The Casting Couch

Elena comes home and seems less than bothered by the fact that a creepy Stefan lookalike is rotting on the couch where she and Damon sometimes screw.  She’s even less bothered when Damon casually invites Katherine over and haphazardly feeds her to Silas.  The two watch vacant-eyed and expressionless as the woman Damon once loved for 150 year, who looks just like Elena, has the life drained out of her by Stefan’s Evil Twin.

killing kat 1

killing kat 2

Source

It is weird and highly unsettling.  But maybe their humanity switches were on the fritz.  It’s happened before.

turn it off

stone faced elena

Besides, it’s for a good cause!  Elena’s pet Bonnie is dead.  And everyone who’s ever seen the movie Pet Cemetery knows that bringing your pets back to life at all costs is always, always a good idea . . .

cat scary

Then, Katherine wakes up from the dead and wonders, quite logically, if she’s in Hell.

am i in hell

Source

Worse, honey .  . . you’re in Mystic Falls . . .

Until next week, Fangbangers!

waves

6 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Somebody That I Used To Know . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

what is the point of being

Source

Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .

the headache filthy pirate hook

brain fried stefan

make me forget spidey

Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.”  WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .

fun brother safe brother

Source

Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .

you killed me

Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .

delena sex big

carry on

Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.”  (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)

omg dead

New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.”  (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)

confused jesse

In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.

my idiots

But that’s why we love them.

happy elena hugging damon color

Let’s review, shall we?

Highway to Hell-o

3 3 more road trip

Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .

never too late to die

Source

“Don’t worry about the car.  You can always compel yourself another one.”

I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .

never too late to die too

Source

But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”

no no on

Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .

damon soulful crying

Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces.  Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever  .  . .

stefan shrug

Body of Evidence

Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs!  We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .

jer bear pushups

I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .

“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)

defans jeremy hulk

Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.”  Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch.  It also makes Matt seem like a major loser.  Get a hobby, Man!  Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard.  And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .

2 21 bonnie bamff rouxx

Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week.  They are LONG overdue!

Hex, Lies and Videotape

I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .

matt car breakdown

Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .

all alone

Source

And the cheese stands alone . . .

I have to admit, this one surprised me.  I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks.  Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share.  More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .

gregor

“Say hello to my little hand . . .”

Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something.  Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

Fight for your right to potty . . .

Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .

all alone drink

I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”

beating up stefan

Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?

freaking hungry

After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom.  Come on, Stefan!  Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.

on the neck

Source

Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress.  Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?

Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .

3 13 burning stefan montagues

Let’s face it.   No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom.  And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.

3 2 hello brother damon

The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .

Damon eye roll

It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .

Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!

Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame.  I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.

4 10 nod off

It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .

happy elena

“Yay, senseless death!”

That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive?  Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past?  AWESOME!

ian says awesome

Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet.  So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .

what kind of name bloody gif

what kind of name 2

what kind o name 3

Source

While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day.  Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . .  .  You go,  girl!

dancing elena

Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom.  (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).

bumping

where we collided

Source

Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.

up here

“Look at me, pretending to be a bird.  Aren’t I adorable?”

Source

That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge.  After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass  . . .

touched your face

touched your face 1

Source

Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude.  And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one.  This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .

freaking hungry

 . . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”

Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . .  Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.

stelena

“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .

strangle balloon

deflated balloon

blue balls

Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .

beating up stefan

Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis.  Does having amnesia take away IQ points?

got the girl

Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .

2 22 bloody stefan

“Eating my feelings.”

Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!

Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .

sex girl boy

This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.

prove them wrong

Source

As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield.  This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.

about caroline 2

Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .

hotter in person

Source

At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures.  (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)

steroline 1

Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing.  Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash.  But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .

you suck laurrrrde

Poor Jesse.  It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired.  Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”

stefan shrug

Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day.  (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.)  With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .

3 16 jonesy stefan salvatoresummers

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures.  However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .

As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!

stripping jess

Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .

funeral long form

Source

In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .

3 12 bonnie family plot

(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)

Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty.  Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out .  . .

soap dish smash

When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true.  (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this  need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)

bonnies dead

bonnie's dead 2

Source

Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out.  And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.

hug jer and dam

Source

Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating.  And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .

cant believe

Source

Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course.  And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor.  You know, eventually, you are going to go.  It’s only a matter of time . . .

everyone die

We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death.  But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .

you have me bloody gifs

you have me bloody gifs 2

Source

I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . .  .

team bonnie its delena love

Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves.  And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching.  It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane.  (“I wasn’t really mad at you.”  “Things will get better.”  “Have fun at college.”)  It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.

been there the whole time

Source

On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired.  Pom-poms?  A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?

floating feather

pompom

bell whistle

Source

These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons?  Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .

Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!

And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.

tyler returns

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

Life goes on, indeed.  Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!

Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .

If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world,  you were both right and wrong . . .

eye roll car

We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .

It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health.  Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health.  He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.

stab

You gotta love college . . .

Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .

Until then, Fangbangers!

waves

[my website] [my tumblr] [my fanfic] [my store]

3 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Redemption Maybe? – Vampire Diaries Season 4 Revamped Part 3 – Klaus Mikaelson

klausy smirk

“If you want to be bad, be bad with a purpose.  Otherwise you’re just not worth forgiving.”

These are the iconic words Damon utters to Klaus Mikaelson, during a mid-season conversation that’s about as “Meta” as TVD gets . . .

One could probably imagine a similar conversation taking place in the TVD writers’ room, around the time Plec and Co. got their greenlight to film the back door pilot to “The Originals.”

3 14 originals party photo

After all, Klaus had been the series’ main Big Bad for three seasons know, roughly 75% of the life of the show.   And now, there was a good chance the Original Hybrid would be blessed with a series of his very own . . . a series where the character would be featured, not as the show’s antagonist, but as its protagonist.

santa klaus

how you like me now

It was a tall order.  Fortunately, the writers  already had two templates as to how such a feat could be accomplished.  The first was another blonde villainous vampire, by the name of Spike, who made a similar journey from Season 2 Big Bad, to Season 4 Questionable Ally on the critically acclaimed TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

spike-on-buffy

The second was Damon Salvatore himself, the ultimate TVD Bad Boy MOSTLY Redeemed . . .

big bad vampire out here

Step 1 – Make the Villain Fall in Love . . .

Everyone remembers the first time Spike spied Buffy at a party, and was instantly plagued with an intense desire, both to kiss her, and kill her.  Damon felt the same way about Elena, the first time he laid eyes on her   . . . his brother’s girlfriend, who bore the same face as his lost love.  She seemed to be the ultimate pathway toward Sweet Revenge.

the almost kiss

So, too did Klaus experience this conundrum, firsthand, when, to get revenge on his errant sire hybrid Tyler, he compelled him to lethally bite his girlfriend, Caroline . . . potentially ending her new vampire life, before it even really had a chance to begin . . .

3 11 klaroline savior

When Klaus first arrives at the Forbes household, his motives are unclear.  Is he planning to let Caroline die, to teach Tyler a lesson in obedience?  Is he hoping to seduce her, thereby taking from Tyler, the one aspect of his life, over which Klaus, up to this point had no control?

klaroline lovers

Whatever Klaus had initially planned to do, it’s clear from the way he looks at Caroline, lying vulnerable on the bed, that he’s changed his mind.  Seeing this young woman, on the cusp of young vampire life, lying helpless before him, does something to Klaus.  It changes him imperceptibly.

2 19 klaus petrovacaptures

So, Klaus tells this dazzling woman, what no one else would, that vampirism, while “dark” and “monstrous,” can also be beautiful, because LIFE is beautiful.  And then, he gives her a choice . . . immortality or death.  This insanely powerful vampire, who has done nothing that wasn’t directly in his selfish interest, from the moment he set foot in Mystic Falls, for the first time, relinquishes control of his life and his Master Plan to Caroline, for reasons he may not yet entirely understand.

3 13 shh klaus rupertgrint

The result is a scene that remains one of my favorites in TVD history . . . And this is coming from a staunch Damon fan . . .

Klaus may have begun his wooing of Caroline back in Season 3, through expensive gifts, vacation promises, and pictures of ponies . . .

3 14 klaroline dances

3 11 klaroline gift from klaus 1 loveablesins

But it wasn’t until Season 4 that Klaus really started making headway toward winning Caroline’s heart.  And he did it in a way that the Klaus of earlier season’s would never have even considered.  He did it by listening to her, opening up to her, and by not taking advantage of her when he had the opportunity to do so  . . .

klaroline truce

Like, for example, when he was in Tyler’s body, early on in the Season . . .

Sure KlausiTyler comes off like a bit of a cad in this scene. But he’s also surprisingly chivalrous!  Michael Trevino does a great job conveying Klaus’ emotions during this season.  He’s clearly turned on and pleasantly surprised that the woman he loves is FINALLY attacking him sexually.  And yet, as much as he wants Caroline, there’s a part of him that can’t bear to have her under false pretenses.  So, he exposes his true identity, and, in doing so, loses the opportunity for Hot Hybrid Sex . . .

klaroline

blue balls

It’s the second “half-way” decent thing he did for Caroline in Season 1.  (Rescuing her from that anti-vampire cult, being the first.)  And there’s plenty more where that came from . . .

Let’s not forget that Klaus came as Caroline’s date to the Miss Mystic Falls Dance?

Just as Buffy reawakened the quiet poetic side of Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Elena awakened the selfless side of Damon, so too does Caroline seem to bring out an oddly lighthearted cheeky version of the usually single-mindedly power hungry Klaus.

klaus cheersHe smiles, he jokes . . . he makes a good show of pretending to care about things that Caroline cares about . . . things that would otherwise have no meaning for him whatsoever, like pageants, proms, and party dresses . . .

stole prom dress

And what girl wouldn’t appreciate a guy with the unique ability to be the Fairy Godmother to her Cinderella, while still looking like Prince Charming?

the dress

(Even if it does make you wonder what happened to all the girls who used to wear the dresses he stores in his closet?)

klaus dinner

3 10 klaus best respond to violence westhalder

3 12 bonnie klaus knew youd catch me

Of course, every budding relationship hits a bit of a snag.  And Klaus finds himself relapsing into old habits, when he, once again, is responsible for Caroline’s receipt of a lethal werewolf bite . . . a bite he issues himself, out of anger at Tyler, and Caroline’s brutal rejection of him . . .

calories

klaus tums

And yet, when all is said and done, Caroline and Klaus make amends, and end up parting as “friends (?),” with Klaus temporarily ceding the love of his life to the same young hybrid that’s been a thorn in his side all season .   . .

first love 2

in love 2

love saved 3

You know what they say, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, due to series cancellation, it was meant to be.”

So, why the ultimate change of heart, with respect to Tyler?  Especially, considering how intent Klaus initially seemed on keeping these two lovebirds apart indefinitely . . .

klaus moving on rebekahmkaelsn

I suspect it had a little something to do with Step 2 of our Redemption Plan . . .

Step 2 – Find a New Big Bad, So the Old One Can Unite with the Scoobies Against Him . . .

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike joined the Scoobies after the ultimately corrupt initiative put a chip in his brain, preventing him from hurting humans.  This made Spike no longer a threat to Buffy and her gang.  It also gave him impetus to fight on their side, as it enabled him to kill the only type of being he still could . . . demons.

buffy_-_spike

Likewise, in Season 2, Damon promptly put aside his differences with his brother, so the two could battle a mutual, and much more powerful enemy . . . Klaus, himself . . .

2 20 damon klaus headnods laurenhoward

The writers must have had quite a difficult time coming up with a Bigger Bad than Klaus.  After all, we are talking about a 1,000-year old virtually unkillable vampire, who also possesses full werewolf powers.    But it wasn’t Silas’ strength that made him such a threat to the Scooby gang, it was his impressive ability at mental manipulation . .  .

silas big fat problem

Not only could Silas impersonate any person or thing, he could also see inside people’s minds, and expose their deepest darkest fears and secrets.  As a result, Klaus found himself reluctantly found himself in a role entirely foreign to him . . . that of VICTIM . . .

American Gothic

Sexy buff shirtless, victim . . . but victim, nonetheless . . .

Ahh yes, the infamous bloodline . . . another nifty way to align Klaus to the Scooby Gang, was for the writers to literally tie his survival to their own.  Thanks to some crafty mythology, Klaus can no longer die, because killing him would effectively demolish the ENTIRE CAST OF THIS SHOW . . .

laughing klaus

I bet Spike is wishing he thought of that one.  It sure beats his method of maintaining character relevance . . .

torture her

While, in previous Seasons, Klaus was the Ultimate Enemy, like Spike and Damon before him, Klaus suddenly found his own personal interests aligned with Damon, Stefan, Caroline and co.  And so, he helped them, in their quest to defeat Silas, by solving the key to the Hunter’s Map that would lead to the vampire cure.  (He hoped to use that cure on Elena, so her human blood could produce more hybrids.)

3 5 eleklaus

“Human blood bag for all eternity . . . BFF . . . same difference.”

A vulnerable, lovelorn, character, fighting on the side of good, to defeat the Big Bad, who sometimes becomes prey to the ultimate predator . . . Season 4 Klaus sure sounds like a hero to me . . .

3 1 klaus smirk tbtvdgifs

except when he isn’t .  . .

Step 3 – Keep the Former Villain Behaving Badly Enough That He Doesn’t Lose His Edge . . .

3 13 salvatore groupie klaus hissyfit

Heroes are great and all . . . but they can be SUPER boring.

4 10 nod off

So, when writers are tasked with redeeming a Bad Boy, they always must make sure he remains just evil enough to still be interesting.  (Plus, there’s the ever present issue of character consistency.  A guy like Klaus doesn’t just automatically start shaking hands and kissing babies, just because he fell in love with a pretty girl!)

shoots klaus

And so, for every kind, romantic, or selfless act Klaus committed in Season 4, he had to do something truly awful, just to balance things out . . .

klaus sex 2

Revenge Sex with Hayley . . . definitely not your finest hour, Klaus . . . (hot triangle tattoo notwithstanding)

No act was more awful than the Christmas Massacre Klaus committed in episode 9 of the Season.  Betrayed, once again by Tyler, and the hybrids, who Tyler systematically taught to break themselves of their bond with the Original, Klaus is BEYOND pissed.  This single calculated act has painfully exposed the Original Hybrid’s two Achilles Heels’ his pride and his loneliness.

utterly alone

And so Klaus lashes out in the only way he knows how, by ripping from Tyler everything he cares about.  Murdering 13 people in a single episode,  one of whom is a completely harmless human.  It doesn’t get much more villainous than that . . .

And yet, as Caroline once said, “Anyone who can love, is capable of being saved.”

3 11 klefandiaries love never dies

Can New Orleans be Klaus’ salvation?  Can Caroline?  How about that ridiculous plotline spawn in Haley’s belly?

stefan shrug

Throughout Season 4 of TVD, Klaus has shown himself to be capable of both exceptional good, and horrifying evil.  But is it enough to make him a relateable protagonist on his own series?  A series without Caroline . . . the woman, who made all this sort-of redemption possible?

itsdelenalove klaus caroline

Only time will tell . . . and for an immortal like Klaus, time is definitely on his side . . .

3 11 klaroline thousand b days faerywonderland

Speaking of everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, she’s next on my Re-Vamped list.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

9 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

greetings dead

Source

Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

not every ghost

ones like me

idiot best friend

Source

Old scores were settled . . .

kill big

Source

And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

drink fancies

Source

Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

omg dead

Source

And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

wax head

Source

He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Raphael in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles is due in 2013

Let’s review, shall we?

stefan salvatore fist pump best

The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

3 6 warrior elena

Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

3 6 spotting ipromiseyou-delena

I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

connor jordan

killer headline

This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

3 8 hungover delena fight 1

This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

chin up

Source

Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

focus on hate

Yeah . . . not so much . . .

stefan shrug

Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

stamp licking

Source

Damon eye roll

Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

sarcasm sign

The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

sexy delena 2

delena sex big

Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

12 witches

13 point

Source

Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

frustrated kat

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

katherine ing

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

ponder kat

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

santa klaus

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

BabyScared

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

rain 1

rain 2

Source

This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

shakes head

Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

dancing elena

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

3 4 happy to know kat

Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

tampon-med1

When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

high school 1

Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

sad bored hobby

She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

3 6 warrior elena

Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

happy elena

Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

bloody rock

Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

end of world crap

Source

So, she stakes his ass.

damon pull stake lylyord tumblr

This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

locker 42

Source

Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

team bad ass

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

ian says awesome

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

not every ghostones like me

idiot best friend

Source

Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

kind of dead

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

single tear alaric

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

locker 42 2

“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

damon soulful crying

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

hot kol 2

That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

klaus cheers

“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

matt car breakdown

“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

but kick

Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

surrounded by idiots

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

not that i know guildens fern

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

stefan crying gif

“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

beating up stefan

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

3 finale happy ponytail elena

Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

cutting

Source

But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

3 12 confused damon

SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

keep cut 2

keep cut 3

Source

Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

3 12 klaus eyeroll

Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

my precious

I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

dead jer 2And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

nodding oh yeah

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

cant feel

Source

Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

dont feel anything

Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

hello my dumplings

Source

Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

how many times

jer bear

Source

Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

kol bat

Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

shot kol

Source

Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

stefan shrug

Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

elena stabs jer

No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

undead gilbert

Source

Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

bonnie shane 2

But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

crazy gram

“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

b positive

And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

wax head

“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

clap for bonus

At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

get the girl youre undead to me

Source

I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

damon and alaric

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

dalaric 2

And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

soap dish smash

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

dark willow

Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

omg dead

Source

I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

take a hint

Source

Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

go team delena

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

replaced other blonde

Source

Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie types . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

Both Lexi and Caroline seem to bring out a surprisingly light-hearted humorous side of Stefan, we don’t often get to see on the show.  In short, he actually SMILES when he’s with these two.  And even broody Stefan deserves a laugh every once in a while . . .

steroline 1

steroline 2

steroline 3

Source

Now, whether that spells a romantic future for these two in Season 5, remains to be seen.  It also depends largely on This Guy . . .

klaus moving on rebekahmkaelsn

And This Guy. . .

klausityler sex 2

Speaking of romances up for grabs, Beks and Matt get yet another romantic romance cockblocked.  This time the culprit is Rebekah’s ancient ex with the distractingly long Fabio hair . . .

05-fabio021006_big1

rebekah heart

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the cover of a bad romance novel?”

And his sexy vampire hunter friends . . .

shirtless con

not shirtless vaughn

Oh these three probably had quite the Hot Gay Dance Party over on the other side . . . Kind of wish I was there to see it . . .

new girl think i understand hunting

But now, it’s all about the VENGEANCE!

focus on hate

Ruh-roh, Scooby Gang!  It looks like your graduation party just got a lot more crowded . . .

waves

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [ my tumblr]

8 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Don’t Eat the Prom Queen! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Pictures of You”

dont eat the prom queen love-isover

Source

OMG, Fangbangers!  It’s Senior PROM TIME!  Can you believe it?  It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .

elena-stefan_medium

 

. . . or his hot older brother . . .

rawr damon

 

. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before.  (Where were they living, all this time?  In an underground tomb?)

tomb vamp

TV Prom episodes  are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them.  They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .

epic

prom-queen-b

seth and summer prom

pacey-joey prom

prom puck funny dancing

“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom.  I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .

Pictures of You

. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .

Pictures of You

. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .

Damon and Elena Mating Dance

 

They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .

2 18 jonnie dance

jer len

seizure

Source

Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode.  And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.

3 12 confused damon

Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age.  But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows.  I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .

The Reckoning

And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.

sex girl boy

In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .

bonnie kol

Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers.  This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD.  It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.

stefan shrug

Let’s review, shall we?

Burning Up for Your Love

burning bonnie

“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”

In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .

bill cosby

cosbysweater

WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????

At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . .  .

gilbert plot

2 17 shocked jenna drawthequeen

“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”

Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave.  But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!

badass jer

Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!

surprised-face

mini g back from dead

OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing  when he died . . . 

dead jer 2

Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember.  But where did he get that  jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?

Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now?  Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British?  Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen.  But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before.  So, I’m kind of confused.   Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?

jer 1

The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .

Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.”  At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical.  But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire.   Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!

3 18 bon

Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show.  You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite.  They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .

VDGranny

Dress You Up in My Love

bon car

It’s PROM DAY!  And everybody is getting ready.  Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready.  Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .

catching balls

Source

Lost Girls

i like balls stoner kol

And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .

family meeting

“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”

As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure.  So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other.  This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon .  . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .

Elijah ate

“I once ate a baby.  Does that count?”

BabyScared

Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!

3 18 beks nice life salvatore falls

So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him.  How precious!  I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .

klaus beks

I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .

However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings.  In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time  . . .

rump

 . . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever.  You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms .  . .

prom britt no date just dancin cannibalsuxx

Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity.  Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena.   And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .

elena beks

dancing elena

There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!

In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping.  And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .

pretty dress

Source

Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .

turn on

It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .

like ribbon 1

It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels.  So, now, of course,  it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .

stole prom dress

Source

oh hell to the no

Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . .  (Someone care to explain that one to me?  Was it Silas?)

Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .

not funny

i know

Source

Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .

3 11 klaroline gift from klaus 1 loveablesins

prom to plan

I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis.  Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .

the dress

Source

As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .

Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast.  But more on that in just a bit . . .

Love the way you lie . . .

double date

Source

I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized  by a lot of false niceness.  People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous.  Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.

mean girls really pretty

 Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .

just kill her

Source

April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!

loved through all beks

Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .

3 9 ele beks stake the-chosen

Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .

sexy delena 2

damon pull stake lylyord tumblr

She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .

stefan-and-elena-dancing-at-prom

beating up stefan

Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .

matt car breakdown

She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

(OK, that part was kind of true.)

Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is  now his Only Living Brother . . .

original respect

 . . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .

never happy

Source

brother to brother elijah kill mariephantomlive

In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .

hollow life

Source

klaus tums

Personally, I think honesty is overrated.  If  any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday.  Thank you very much . . .

Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .

I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .

madly in love

moved on

Source

While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .

underage

drink

And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .

need help

Source

By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie?  He did it as Shane.  He’s doing it as Jeremy.  He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan  . . .

witch mine

Source

I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches).  But this kind of seems like more than that.  This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.

4 12 not puppy

I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for.  But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show.  Just my prediction . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot.  This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick.   I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy.  With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .

team bonnie its delena love

In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .

forwood

Source

OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud.  I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and  Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely.  All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

forwood wrong place 1

Am I wrong?  Speaking of wrong . . .

Love Hurts . . .

After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .

Pictures of You

mebekah

 . . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)

ordinary

 . . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers.  It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .

matt and bonnie

OK.  Let me pause for a moment.  Matt and Bonnie?  What the WHAT?

dont understand

OK, Matt as Prom King, I get.  Everybody likes Matt.  That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that .  . .

2 16 matt wtf face

But Bonnie?  Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school?  Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say.  It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

 . . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.

new girl makes me hate things

When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .

carrie-movie-02

But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .

bonnie shane 2

Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall.  Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .

smash

soap dish smash

My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .

make bek prom queen

should have listened

Source

Evilena may have no soul.  But no one can say she’s not loyal.  Think about it.  How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .

Also,  let’s face it.  Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!

april 1

April just sucks . . . plain and simple.  And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .

So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . .  just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .

Damon eye roll

vampire emergency

Things start to get a little crazy at this point.  This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.

Silas is Damon . . .

damon eternal stud

 . . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.

Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .

get to you

talked about hair

Source

Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode  (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and  set off car alarms.

But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .

you cannot beat

Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?

bad kol

“That’s me!  That’s me!”

Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again.  And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .

fear of death

Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .

damon help me

Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .

lookingat damon

Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death.  I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .

tortured-stefan

3 3 sun torture

3 19 beks cut gypsyheartlove

We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .

In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .

katherine ing

 . . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”

beast

Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .

wanna be a king

Source

Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?

3 14 happy screwed elijah

See you next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

3 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

no idea who

Source

Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

katerina lover elenas eyes

Source

 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

not into vampire

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

not happy want to

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

victoria grayson

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

chain yank

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

where-are-my-dragons

Source

Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

you cannot beat

ELIJAH . . . .

love youuuuu sookieverse

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

happy elena

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

dead waitress 1

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

cant stand

sound voice

Source

After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

compel whole town

Source

As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

damon approves

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

the kat always look out for myself  petrova-gifs

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

kat lena

Source

Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

elena no point

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

cure one more time

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Rose

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

3 14 drive much

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

good sexx

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

brother to brother stefan damon

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

more fun naked

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

3 11 shower damon temptinglybad

wet damon 2

3 11 bamf wet damon lohan

wet damon

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

surprised-face

Scared Baby . . .

BabyScared

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

nodding oh yeah

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

stefan salvatore fist pump best

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

stefan crying gif

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

2 8 kurt ooh

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

boo nolan

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

American Gothic

klaroline lovers

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

klaus tums

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

big bang

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

lost island

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

laughing bek

Source

Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

the kat thank me brought cure

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

fork to kill self

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

impersonate

Source

Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

never pass for me kat

never pass elena

Source

Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

stop hounding me

crying baby

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

prom to plan

really you

Source

Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

stud lijah

Source

Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

em makeout

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

sex girl boy

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

elijah wont show

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

burning kol

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

boys all same

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

brothertobrother elijah honor in revenge

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

friend friend

Source

 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

3 9 ele beks stake the-chosen

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

stefan shrug

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

singing-fish-singing

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

soap dish smash

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

fish tank

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

my precious

“My precious!”

cureee

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

time to experiment

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

surprised face stefan

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

havent lived

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

katherine ing

Source

Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

bloody rib

Source

(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

klaroline

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

bored now elena

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.

santa klaus

Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.

saved life danger

Source

She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

Wait . . . what?

Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One!  I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”

Then, POOF!  All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.

magic eraser

Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!

fanboy 2

Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes.  And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.

thank you

Source

Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there.  The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass.  Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!

klaroline truce

Source

The Real Deal

Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine.  But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.

hi im elijah

(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER?  A lot has changed since then . . .)

hide from elijah

Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena?   She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul!  Now, she’s a total sh*t!

abandoned emotion 1 catmans coat

abandoned emotion 2 catmans coat

abandoned emotion 3 catmans coat

Source

Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.

duh told you so

Source

Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her.  What a dirtbag move!

compassion gift

Source

Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear.  (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.)  But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters.  Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .

soul as compassionate

Source

Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus.  And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck.  B*tch had it coming!

elena neck break

Source

clap

But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!

want to believe stefan salvation

Source

To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection.  Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.

the kat kiss me or kill me

Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.

Elijah then reunites with his baby sister.  And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)

3 18 beks nice life salvatore falls

Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure.  So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE.  (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine).  Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.

one body responsible clarissafrayes

Source

“Killing random extras on the show?  But that’s our job?”  Damon pouts.

open heart surgery

“I know!”  Stefan commiserates.  “Evilena sucks.  Her and I are SO broken up.  It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.

elena free stefan

Source

And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!

clap for bonus

Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.

damon soulful crying

The week after that . . . hiatus.

sick of crying

But after that, this . . .

Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode.  But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom?  Tune in two weeks from now to find out.

waves

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

1 Comment

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

cheerleading

Source

Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

freaking hungry

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

klaus cheers

funny face grandpa

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

spirit fingers

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

car coming

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

dont feel anything

kind of dead

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

car parallel 1

car parallel 2 holding on my heart

Source

One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

spread eagle

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

delena sex real

ian says awesome

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

friday yet

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

rescue

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

happy elena

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

rawr damon

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

is this real

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

blue balls

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

listen

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

surrounded by idiots

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

fanboy 2

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

naked elena

naked torrence

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

soapy damon

see naked

the show

Source

By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

want you to do

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

soap dish smash

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

damon-s-dance-o

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

damon soulful crying

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

going to eat

meat with eyes

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

nite bite

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

fantastic

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

pull heart

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

heart tug

smirky damon

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

surprised-face

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

blue ribbon

dr-evil

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

cheerleader again

dunst make out

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

Damon eye roll

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

april 1

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

left my crap on bus

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

on bus

like ribbon 1

like ribbon 2

Source

When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

not cheerleading

stop me

Source

cheerocracy

This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

ploppy

life on my back

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

spirit stick drop

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

in my arms

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

seduce

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

klaus sex 1

klaus sex 2

Source

laid 2

getting laid

All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

klaus face

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

remember sex

good sexx

Source