Greetings, Upper East Siders! Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!
That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit. So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . .
otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?
Well, hello there 2007. We’ve missed you!
One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history. GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .
Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days. Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it. And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . .
or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.
This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .
As for Donut Dan? Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007. Does that count? (Speaking of the Donut, did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?” Well said, Georgina!)
The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.
“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses. (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)
Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .
. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . . . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it. Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair. He wants to give her DVDs to watch.
Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch. Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower. Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already. And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .
Don’t let it go to your head . . .
Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever. He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever. (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.) “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.
Ahhh, Chuck Bass . . . ever the eternal optimist . . . .
When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her. She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride. Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl. Hugging commences.
Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans. Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog. (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth. How fitting!) Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her. Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .
This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .
She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day! But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it. (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it. But you catch my drift.)
After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer. Ummmm . . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you? It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.
Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper. Oooooh, BURN!
But, worry not! Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse. As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school. This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal. It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!
A Date with
Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg . . . thing).
Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts. “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully. (Ah, memories!)
This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup. Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news. “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.
(OK, he’s cute and all. But where the heck did this guy come from? And doesn’t he have a job? What exactly do these two do for money? The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)
Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C
for the episode today. I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet. Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.
But not-so-much after that . . .
Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?), Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater. (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.) Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way. . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.
Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another. Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.
I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .
Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else. But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.
Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware. And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.”
If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry is a BAD IDEA! But Serena isn’t quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.
Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.” “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.
Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!
And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .
Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she? So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.
And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself. (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!) By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there. Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion. After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!
My Bloody Valentine . . .
While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1. (Still fits!) As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit. Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels. (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)
As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass. *sigh* Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck. Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.
But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .
Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him. Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary. Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .
Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there. (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!) Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers. So, you never know . . .
“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit . . .”
What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes. AWKWARD! It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.” Poor Lola. She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.
“I swear I showered today!”
And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike,
which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball. This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”
Ruh-roh! Someone’s just been busted. Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .
“I’m so much better at being me, than you are. So, suck it, b*tch!”
Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .
Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school. She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice. So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .
Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress. He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.
“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”
Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering. So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year. In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.
Do I have to answer that?
Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B. Well, that’s gotta be confusing? Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests? Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him. More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.
While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl. It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .
GG: Kiss her.
GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.
Donut: What’s in it for me?
GG: Do I really have to explain it to you?
And so on, and so forth . . .
But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room. (Seriously, Georgina? Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate? What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)
I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room. Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl? Or Monkey?
Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback? Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place. “You’re Gossip Girl? He asks, incredulously.
Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself. First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.” Talk about an identity crisis!
Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos. Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”
Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?” Really, Blair . . . really? Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena? This goes beyond simply cock blocking. This is cock-TYING. And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .
“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut. “Tell me what would make you happy.”
“Why your tongue down my throat! That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.
Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .
The kiss . . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy! That was an offer for existential conversation, not a tongue bath.
You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over. It’s quite amusing. I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible. Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.
Compare and contrast 😉
But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.
Double ahem . . .
I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.
This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot. And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?
It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .
Yet we don’t always think before we tongue . And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut. It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss. Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss. Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.
Whatever the reason, it happened. And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .
Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it. In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement. Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut. But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D. And, honestly, who can blame her?
“He was just practicing on me, so he’d be better for you!”
But Georgina isn’t done. She brings the picture immediately to Chuck Bass . . .
. . . who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon. Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.
“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.”
But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!
Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot? Hey, maybe she’s a robot too! It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .
In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business. (Well, duh!) She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen. (Double duh!)
Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from. (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .). In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her. Oh, the plot thickens . . .
Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!