The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

 

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“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

 

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

“I think I just pissed my self.”

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

 

 

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

 

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

 

 

 

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

 

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

 

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

 

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

Or was he . . . .?

 

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

 

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

STILES?!

 

Wait . . . what?

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

 

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

 

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

 

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

 

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Why You Should Always Be Kind to the Elderly . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Princess Dowry”

It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .

Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows.  If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired.  Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.

The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.

Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late.  Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise.  That’s true.  🙂

However,  I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit.  I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now  (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”

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On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry”  though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it.  Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box.  That Grandma Cece!  She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Where there’s a will, there’s a wake . . .

We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director.  Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice.  So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.”  (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)

Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece.  As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings!  She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.

Talk about getting the last laugh!  Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show.  Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season.  I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle.  (Well, that was fast.  She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)

(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)

Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola.  This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed.  (I guess Chuck’s employed too.  But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money .  . . with Blair . . . naked.)

Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.”  He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had.  But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.”  In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls.  She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much.  Unfortunately . . .

“RING, RING, RING”

Lola: “Hello?”

Serena: “Hi, New Family Member.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Lola: “Nope.  Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”

Serena:  “It was bound to happen sometime!  Listen,  I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff.  That’s cool.  I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake.  P.S. I always lie.”

Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”

Serena: “Welcome to my world!”

Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso.  (Don’t they have servants for that?)

Because this isn’t homoerotic at all  . . .

He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding.  Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair.  So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.

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 Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right?  WRONG!  But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .

Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent.  Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?).  She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.

“Psst telemarketer.  I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house.   So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.” 

Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection.  It’s just another day in Humphreyland!  No big deal!  Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .

“I love wakes and funerals.  Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.” 

Hurricane Georgina rides again

Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition.  Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town.  After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late.  (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be.  Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience.  Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show.  Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.

Just some food for thought . . .

Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing.  And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0.  Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified.  When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.

Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls  . . .

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself.  Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season.  Now,  that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, so is this  . . .

Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .

Wakey, Wakey . . .

Now, I’m not Irish.  But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.

 “OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game.  Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“

It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch.  And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun.  Actually, that’s not true.  What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.

Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .

All hail, Chuck Bass.  He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love.  (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.)  Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.

You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts.  Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts.  Not Rufus 2.0 though.  Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl.  (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)

Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all .   . .  sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation.  She doesn’t believe what she’s reading.  Not Humpty Humphrey!  He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he?  (That would require him to have a personality.)

Ah, but he HAS done it.  And he’s willing to admit it too.  At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown.  Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.

SHE FORGAVE HIM?  JUST LIKE THAT???  REALLY?  Is there no justice in this world?

While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone.  Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?

A Tale of Two Charlies

Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene.  and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake.  (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!)  There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.

That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes.  We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .

What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena.  While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.

Take that 1%ers!

Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks.  Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building.  As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will.  Go figure.

“Hey Cece!  Good to see ya.  You’ve never looked better!”

For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates.  When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”

“I swear!  Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.” 

Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to .  . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance.  And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY.   Wow,  she must really hate her family, A LOT!

Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders.  After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .

Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did.  For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally.   For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.

Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .

I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan.  But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did.  I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more.   But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .

Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her.  Really?  Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena?  THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family?  I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still  . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.

My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it.  And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes.  But hey, what the heck do I know?

In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again.  That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER.  Predictable.  Shocking, I know . . .

“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?” 

“ME!  Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.” 

“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. .  .  the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time.  How’s that for pathetic?  But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment.  Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets.  However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .

Don’t do it, Blair .  . .

Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television:  “DON’T GO IN THERE!”  “LOCK THE DOOR!”  “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.”  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”

Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.”  Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom.  I knew it was coming.  And I dreaded it like the plague.  But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . .  It was quite frustrating, really.

Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video.  Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding.  As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .

“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.”  (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)

 . . .  making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.

Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison.  Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment,  Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.

“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.” 

Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .

Rhymes with Ditch . . .

Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup.  And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”

“AHHHH!  He’s suffocating me!  Make it stop!”

OK, so let me get this straight.  Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to  Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan?  I don’t buy it.  After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?

Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan.  At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place.  (SURPRISE!)  Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe.  So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself.  It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!

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And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING?  Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately?  The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down.  But this one just pouts and walks away.  Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .

Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season.  Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals.  But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own.  No me gusta.

Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping.  “It’s different this time.  She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century!  Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf.  However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information.  It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.

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The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .

In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time.  Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?

Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again?  Gahhhh . . .  is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?

Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex.  Hooray!

“Please don’t make me kiss him again.  Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”

Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.

Yes, Donut Dan.  She knows your name.  Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is  . . .

And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell.  When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack  . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . .  After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his.  How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.

Slug or Stud?  You decide . . .

 That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do).  You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .

Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

What’s hiding under YOUR hood? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars “CTRL A”

“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”

“OHHHH!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, a lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked,  a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship.  (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!)  So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to  “CTRL A” . . .

Swimming with Sharks

Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool.  This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.

“This is super uncomfortable.  I could really go for a joint, right about now .  . .”

Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it.  You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week.  Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it?  A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.

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Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT.  She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before.  And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .

Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.

And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either.  Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.

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Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue.  Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline.  Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .

The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .

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Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality.  Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets.  Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns.  That’s right, my Pretties.  After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in.  Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .

“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?” 

Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night.  This way, Holden can attend his snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”

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Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?

Only time will tell . . .

Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home.  This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.

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“What?  Holden has a heart condition?”  Aria asks incredulously.

“Why yes, dear daughter.   I figured you would already know that, considering how you are out porking him for hours at a time, three or four times a week,” replies Aria’s mom, more or less.

“Oh yeah,  you’re right.  I totally knew about Holden’s lethal disease!  I was just kidding, Mom.  Haha!  Boy, I sure, got you!” Aria says.

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Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.

 

Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here?  Silly “A.”   For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls.  I wonder why that is . . .

Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club.  “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?”  Aria inquires.

“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?” 

Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest,  and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you.  This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do.  But, ultimately,  she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . .  . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).

Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.

But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.

After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him.  And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl.  (Ruh-roh, Fitzy!  I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)

Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy.  So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly  putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club.  Well played, Miss Montgomery!

What am I going to doobie?

There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya.  First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two.  To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.

“I have a confession to make.   I ate all your blue swim team cookies.  I couldn’t help it.  I have a serious case of the munchies.” 

That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom.  Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!

As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was.  Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉  Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her.  And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.

I don’t know, my Pretties.  Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . .  I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents.  Your move, writers.

Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?

Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.

The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .

(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash  . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.)  Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job.  And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.

The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough.  The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing.  In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .

Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though.  These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another.  And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.”  Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards.  This was how Jason found out about his paternity.  It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.

“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?” 

Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week.  Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky.  But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.

 

Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows.  And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened.  He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison.  And Spencer believes him.

“You are SO grounded, Mister!” 

The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison?  Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family?  Was it the members of the NAT club  (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them?  Or was it someone else entirely?

Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him.  But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities .  . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.

On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .

Caleb  isn’t the only one in hot water with the police.  Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.

Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria?  Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?

This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls.  Could “A” have doctored this photograph?  Or am I just overthinking things?  What are your thoughts, my Pretties?

Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help.  There go those sexy computer terms again!

Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them.  The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there).  The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.

Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities.  Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer.  But it’s up to Hanna to input the password.  Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password.   Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on.  “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.”  ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!

Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point.  And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER!  Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to  Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.

Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are.  And they are in!

Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”

“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.

Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too.  (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;))  Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first.  Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long.  “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.

“That’s what I’m trying to do .  . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.

But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .

In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any.  They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.

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By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA.  Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass.  And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password.  Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .

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In the final scene of the episode, we see Emily calling Maya to apologize for their fight, while SOMEONE watches Emily from her window.  Creepy!

Next week on PLL, Spencer SEDUCES WRENNNNNNN!

Oh, and I guess some other stuff happens too . . .

See you then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“B” My Valentine – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Crazy, Cupid, Love”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!

That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit.  So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?

Well, hello there 2007.  We’ve missed you!

One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history.  GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .

Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days.  Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it.  And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.

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This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .

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As for Donut Dan?  Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007.  Does that count?  (Speaking of the Donut,  did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?”  Well said, Georgina!)

Puffs Plus!

The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.

“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses.  (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)

Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .

. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . .  . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it.  Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair.  He wants to give her DVDs to watch.

Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch.  Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower.  Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already.  And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .

Don’t let it go to your head . . .

Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever.  He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever.  (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.)  “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.

Ahhh, Chuck Bass . . . ever the eternal optimist . . . .

When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her.  She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride.  Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl.  Hugging commences.

Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans.  Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog.  (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth.  How fitting!)  Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her.  Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .

This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .

She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day!  But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it.  (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it.  But you catch my drift.)

After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer.  Ummmm .  . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you?  It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.

Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper.  Oooooh, BURN!

But, worry not!  Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse.  As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school.  This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal.  It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!

A Date with Donut-y Destiny!

Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg .  . . thing).

Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts.   “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully.  (Ah, memories!)

This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina  to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup.  Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news.  “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.

(OK, he’s cute and all.  But where the heck did this guy come from?  And doesn’t he have a job?  What exactly do these two do for money?  The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)

Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today.  I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet.  Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.

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But not-so-much after that . . .

Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?),  Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater.  (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.)  Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way.  . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.

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Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another.  Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.

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I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .

Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else.  But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.

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Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware.  And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.”   If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry  is a BAD IDEA!  But Serena isn’t  quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.

Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.”  “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.

Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!

And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .

Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she?  So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.

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And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself.  (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!)  By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there.  Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion.  After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!

My Bloody Valentine  . . .

While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1.  (Still fits!)  As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit.  Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels.  (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)

As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass.   *sigh*  Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck.  Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.

But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .

Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him.  Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary.  Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there.  (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!)  Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers.  So, you never know . . .

“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit .  . .” 

What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes.  AWKWARD!  It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.”  Poor Lola.  She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.

“I swear I showered today!” 

And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball.  This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”

Ruh-roh!  Someone’s just been busted.  Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .

“I’m so much better at being me, than you are.  So, suck it, b*tch!”

Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .

Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school.  She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice.  So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .

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Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress.  He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.

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“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”

Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering.  So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year.  In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.

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Do I have to answer that?

Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B.  Well, that’s gotta be confusing?  Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests?  Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him.  More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.

While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl.  It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .

GG: Kiss her.

Donut: NO!

GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.

Donut: What’s in it for me?

GG: Do I really have to explain it to you?

And so on, and so forth . . .

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But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room.  (Seriously, Georgina?  Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate?  What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)

SERIOUSLY!

I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room.  Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl?  Or Monkey?

Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback?  Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place.  “You’re Gossip Girl?  He asks, incredulously.

Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself.  First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.”  Talk about an identity crisis!

Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos.  Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”

Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?”  Really, Blair . . . really?  Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena?  This goes beyond simply cock blocking.  This is cock-TYING.  And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .

“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut.  “Tell me what would make you happy.”

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“Why your tongue down my throat!  That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.

Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .

The kiss .  . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy!  That was an offer for existential conversation,  not a tongue bath.

 

You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over.  It’s quite amusing.  I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible.  Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.

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Compare and contrast 😉 

But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.

Ahem!

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Double ahem . . .

I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.

This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot.  And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?

It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .

Yet we don’t always think before we tongue .  And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut.  It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss.  Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss.  Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.

Whatever the reason, it happened.  And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .

Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it.  In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement.  Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut.  But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D.  And, honestly, who can blame her?

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“He was just practicing on me, so he’d be better for you!”

But Georgina isn’t done.  She brings the picture immediately to Chuck Bass . . .

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 . . .  who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon.  Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.

“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.” 

But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!

Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot?  Hey, maybe she’s a robot too!  It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .

In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business.  (Well, duh!)  She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen.  (Double duh!)

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Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from.  (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .).  In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her.  Oh, the plot thickens . . .

Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Snitches, and Phonies, and Liars (Oh my!) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Naked Truth”

Greetings, my Pretties!   And Happy Truth Up Day!  Considering how, most PLL episodes revolve around the lies various characters tell, and the secrets they keep, I thought it was kind of fitting to have an episode that focused on truth, for a change.  “The Naked Truth” was all about characters stripping down, spilling their guts, and coming clean.  So, open up your blacklight pen, and power up your photo shop, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Change your attitude . . . Change your coat

Don’t you just hate it when someone uses your phone to take a naked picture of themselves someone else, and then sends that picture to the ENTIRE SCHOOL?

Maybe not . . . 

Our episode begins in the Principal’s Office, where Hanna and her mother are facing child pornography trafficking charges.  And yet our favorite blonde still can’t be bothered to put her cell phone on vibrate.  Awk-warrrrrd  . . .

*cell phone begins to play “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO*

HANNA and KATE: (in unison) “That’s not mine.”

PRINCIPAL: “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle YEAH!” 

Want even more awkward?  How about the fact that everyone in this room answers to the same last name?

Anywhoo . . . Evil Stepmonster Mommy thinks Hanna should be expelled for sending the nudie shot, in question, which, of course, Hanna denies taking, in the first place.  Through it all, Evil Stepsister Kate sits in silence crying crocodile tears, and wondering whether the principal is picturing her naked, while he’s talking to her.  (Yes, Kate.  He absolutely is!)

“I’ve already printed out a copy for my wallet!” 

Rather than expel Hanna for a crime she swears she didn’t commit, Mr. Principal decides instead that the two girls should air out their own differences, while in the same group at the school sponsored lock-in type event, “Truth Up Day.”

Meanwhile, back at Spencer’s house, the rest of the PLL girls are very confused about the Pretty Little Red Peacoat they retrieved using Ali’s old storage claim tag, under the pseudonym Vivian Darkbloom.

ARIA: “It’s only one color . . . and doesn’t come with any loud patterns.   Lame!”

SPENCER: “Where’s the matching hat?  I need my matching hat!”

EMILY: “I bet Maya would think I looked hot in that jacket . . .” 

Emily seems unusually tense about the whole situation.  “I feel like we are in a bad place,” she warns.

Spencer, of course, is having none of that.  “We are in my living room, Emily.  We are holding a coat,” she retorts . . .

Game, set, match, for Spencer, on that one . . .

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Since the peacoat in question is not really Ali’s style, the girls suspect that Ali used it to perpetuate her Vivian Darkbloom identity, in hopes of bringing down “A,” once and for all.

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While fondling the dead girl’s coat, the girls notice a slip of paper containing a telephone number, in one of the pockets.

“Who the heck writes down  telephone numbers, anymore?  That’s what cell phones are for!  Silly, Vivian Darkbloom!” 

The girls promptly dial the number, and leave a message, claiming to be “friends of Vivian’s,” which, isn’t a lie . . . at least, not exactly  . . .

From Boil-n-Baggies to Bags of Pills to Bad Intentions . . .

At school, everyone is looking at Hanna like she’s a TOTAL PERV!

Meanwhile, Emily is SUPER pissed at the principal, for keeping her off the swim team, based solely on that whole, the “PLL Girls Touched the Ali Murder Shovel” thing .  . .  Also at school,  Holden should really learn to keep his school bag closed, especially, if that’s where he wants to hide his drugs.

“Oh, hello there, Holden’s Drugs.  Fancy meeting you here!” 

“Doh!” 

“It only works, if you pull on the end,” says Holden to Aria, as the two tug on opposite ends of a ream of paper.  And my mind immediately goes to dirty places . . .

A few feet away, someone trips over Holden’s bag, sending the telltale pill bag flying out into the open.   “Oh Hol-den!  You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Upon seeing the pills, Aria gets that look on her face, that actresses tend to reserve for Lifetime Movies and After School Specials . . .

*insert dramatic, Drugs are BAAAAAAD, music here*

Meanwhile, Blind Jenna is canoodling with Bushy Eyebrows Noel  . . .

Please excuse me for a moment, while I go hurl . . . 

OK . . . I’m back now. 

Then, Spencer runs into Facelift Vampire Jason at the school, you know because he’s a diddler of teenagers “mentor” and stuff.   He tells Spencer that she should give her dad a “message” that he’s been awaiting his call.  But Facelift Vampire Jason says “message” like most of us would say threatening, scary things like, “knife through the throat,” “bullet wound to the head,” and, in Facelift Vampire Jason’s case, “bite on the neck.”  So, you really can’t blame Spencer for being a bit concerned, on her father’s behalf, douchey as said father might be . . .

“I want to suck your blood, chew off your face, and give your father a ‘message.'”

“Oh no!  Not a ‘message’ . . . anything but that!”

Then, Aria’s mom comes by to beg Facelift Vampire Jason to be a chaperone at Truth Up Day.  (Because that’s just what high schools need at their sleepover events, more bloodsucking vampire chaperones!)

That’s Aria’s mom, doing her best vampire impression . . . 

At first, Facelift Vampire Jason says “no dice.”  It’s really hard to suck on teenagers, with all those pesky chaperones around.  But when Aria’s mom casually notes that Spencer’s parents might be there, he promptly changes his mind.  Hey, maybe he will get the chance to deliver his “message” after all!

At Hanna’s house, Hanna’s mom confronts her about the whole pervy child porn picture thing. She reminds Hanna that she would crush anyone who tried to hurt her daughter.  But she needs to know who’s during the “hurting,” before she can start doing the “crushing.”

“I’ll give her a ‘message’ she’ll never forget.” 

Hanna looks genuinely distraught, but flawlessly so.  (As an ugly crier myself, I’m always seriously jealous of those people with a talent for “pretty crying.”  And Hanna is a Gorgeous Crier.)

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Hanna wants her mother to know that she didn’t do this totally awful thing.  Yet, if she spills the beans about “A,” she will be potentially putting yet another person she loves in danger.  And she definitely doesn’t want to do that.  So, instead, she continues to suffer in silence . . .

“Why not just skip the step, and jump out the window?”

Awkwardness abounds, as the students arrive at Rosewood, armed with sleeping bags, and cellphones that have been forcibly turned off.  A misty chill hangs in the air between Aria and Holden, now that Aria thinks Holden is a High School Drug Lord.  Glares are exchanged between Hanna and Evil Sister.  And Facelift Vampire Jason growls with fangy rage, when he learns that Spencer’s dad won’t be present at the event.  But, hey, at least he could deliver his “message” to Spencer’s mom!

“You and your messages better stay away from me.  I’m a lawyer!” 

Oh, an then there’s Blind Jenna creepily playing the piano in the music room.  First the flute, now the piano.  Is there any instrument in the world this girl doesn’t play?  Next, we will probably see her with a tambourine, or massive-sized harp . . .

“I guess Three Blind Mice would be an inappropriate song to request.” 

 Also in the group with Blind Jenna — and led by Spencer’s mom, and Facelift Vampire Jason — are Caleb and Aria.  It’s fun to get to see these two interact with one another, for a change.

I’d ship it, but I’m pretty sure Hanna would beat me up, if I did . . . 

Emily and Mona are in Hanna’s mom’s group.  And these two are saucy little duo.  When Mama Marin suggests the students take a step forward, if they don’t want to be “here”  . . .

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 . . .  Mona suggests this, instead . . .

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As for Emily, she decides to take multiple steps forward for every statement Mama Marin makes, because she thinks just one, is simply not enough . . .  (She’s also probably one of those girls, who always cheated at “Mother May I,” when she was a kid.  I HATED those girls.  I played “Mother May I” fair, dammit!)

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Emily’s real gripe, of course, is against the Principal for continuing to keep her off the swim team.  The fact that he happens to be there at the time, allows her to direct her dagger glare at his smug face.  “Message” sent . . . and received.

“I’m currently experiencing a pain where my heart is supposed to be.  Is this guilt, or just indigestion?” 

The Principal calls Emily over, and basically tells her she’s not on the swim team, because she’s a bad seed, sucks, and pretty much deserves everything she gets . . .  How’s that for making students feel “welcome” at their school!

“This is why, in high school horror movies, the principal always dies first.  Just sayin'” 

Mona watches this exchange from a far with interest.  You could just tell she’s cooking up a plan in that devious little mind of hers . . .

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Speaking of not feeling welcome, Aria conveniently forgets to turn off her phone, which allows her to get yet another text message from “A.”  This time, the target seems to be Aria’s “new friend.”

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So . . . who’s the friend?  Is it Beard Boy Holden, or Techno Boy Toy Caleb?  Always more questions . . .

The Blame Game

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In Hanna and Evil Stepsister Kate’s bouncy ball tossing group, Kate whines that people at her new school aren’t “nice people.”  (Yeah, Kate, because YOU’RE a real sweetheart!)  Bushy Eyebrows Noel takes opportunity to leer at Kate, and tell her how nice she looks, all “nekkid.” The Caterpillars that live above his eyeballs seem to agree . . .

The whole exchange causes Hanna to blow up, and ask her group whether they really think she’s a bully.  Ooh . . .here’s a hint, Hanna.  Don’t ask questions, if you REALLY don’t want to know their answers . . .

Fortunately, Caleb is waiting for her on the roof, with a hug, some words of encouragement, and a little tongue  . . .

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“Oh honey.  You are just too good in bed to be a bully!”

Oh, did I mention that Caleb put the smackdown on puss-faced Blind Jenna in group, after she started b*tching and complaining about how terribly SHE gets treated at school?

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It was pretty effing awesome, I’m not going to lie.  In fact, I haven’t had this much fun during a PLL episode, since Hanna slapped Jenna in the face . . .

 OK . . . so that might have seemed REALLY rude, back then.  But now we know the wench had it coming . . .

During a brief break, Emily takes the time to apologize to Mona for the way Ali used to bully her.  Mona claims she’s WAY past that “That was like, two personalities ago!” She exclaims, nonchalantly.

But the look on her face seems to suggest that Mona’s still holding on to quite a bit of baggage from her outcast days.  However, for now, she’s Emily’s greatest savior.  Why?  Because Mona happens to know that the Principal takes bribes from members of the football team, to keep them on the squad despite bad behavior.  And she’s got the mad hacker skills to prove it!

Viewers for whom Mona remains their chief “A” suspect, got a ton of clues, in their favor, this week.  For starters, she’s clearly computer savvy, as we already know “A” to be.  She has the motive of years of bullying.  And, as we heard in this episode, when Mona contacted Emily on the loud speaker, she’s pretty adept at disguising her voice, as necessary.

“Computers are my only friends . . .” 

Additionally, Mona’s previous job working in the Principals office clearly gave her access to a ton of information about all of the students of Rosewood High, most notably the PLL girls . . . not to mention all the additional scoop she must have dug up by being Hanna’s bestie.

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But does this make Mona too obvious of a choice?  I think so . . . a reveal of Mona as “A” would probably disappoint many fans, for that very reason.  But hey, she did manage to get Emily back on the swim team, with her scheming, blackmaily ways.  So, yay for that!

In slightly less positive news, Aria and Beard Holden broke up their faux-lationship . . . presumably, because of the whole “drugs thing.”

What a shame!  I was just starting to like their fake dates!  I really hope they fake make-up soon!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Regarding the room where everybody anonymously wrote their secrets using a blacklight pen . . . a few of those secrets bear very special significance to our story . . .  (Also, it just looks really cool.  So, I’ve decided to share the picture with you.)

Well, we can be pretty sure none of the PLL girls wrote the “never been kissed,” secret.  But Aria might be the virgin!

 .  . . despite regular efforts to make it not so . . .

As for the “I’m afraid of my dad,” confession, my money’s on Holden.  It would certainly explain the bruise on his stomach, and why he never seems to want to go home.  It also might explain his actions at the end of the episode. 😉  As for the taunting, “I know who killed Alison Dilaurentis . . .” well, I’m going to go with Jenna or Mona for that one.  Both girls seem like such obvious “A” candidates that they just HAVE to know more than they are letting on . . . (assuming, of course, that neither is actually “A.”)

A Match Frowned Upon by the Gods

Upon overhearing her mother fighting with Facelift Vampire Jason about truth, justice, and the illegitimate bastard child way .  . . Spencer makes the Spencer Face . . .

Then, she remembers that time when Melissa and Facelift Vampire Jason got caught making out in their car, and Ali responded by making all these naughty incest jokes.

“A match frowned upon by the gods,” Ali quips.  “This is more interesting than the guy who kills and eats his dates.”

More interesting, indeed.  But, for the record, I happen to think that Facelift Vampire Jason does kill and eat his dates  . . . I mean, he is a vampire, after all . . .

Later that night, Spencer confronts Facelift Vampire Jason with the fact that they might very well be half siblings.  He doesn’t deny it . . .

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Spencer understandably feels hurt and betrayed about being left out of the loop on this.  After all, given the younger Hastings’ siblings penchant for dating older men, there’s a good chance that Spencer could have ended up doing a lot more than make out with Facelift Vampire Jason, if left to her own devices . . .

And though Spencer gave her mom a bit of a verbal smackdown, at the end of the episode,  it’s her father that really has some explaining to do . . .

Now, Spencer that’s no way to talk about the newest additions to your family tree . . . 

Speaking of “rotten fruit under the family tree” . . .

Busted by a Birthmark . . .

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One of the problems with using photoshop to improve the quality your sexts is that, eventually, the person to whom you sent the picture is going to actually have to see you naked.  Evil Stepsister Kate just never figured that the person seeing her naked was going to be the same girl she was trying to screw over . . .

Get thee to a dermatologist, STAT!

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I absolutely adored the scene where Hanna got Kate to admit that she was the one, who sent that naked picture of herself to the whole school on Hanna’s phone.  And when Emily and Aria emerged in unison from the bathroom stalls, smiling and holding out matching cell phones that had recorded the conversation, I’m not embarrassed to say I did a little dance of joy . . .

BUSTED! 

I also loved seeing the smug, and self-righteous look wiped right off of Mama Isabel’s face, when she found out from the principal exactly what her “sweet daughter” had done . . .

Where’s Caleb?  (And why is your hand on my leg?)

Now, that the whole “Porno Kate” situation has been properly handled, Hanna becomes concerned that Blind Jenna and Bushy Eyebrows Noel might be after Caleb, because (1) of what he said to Blind Jenna in group; (2) because they seem to be working for “A,” and he has their phone.  Though, admittedly, I’m not quite sure why she sent Aria to find him, as opposed to going herself . . .

“If we are playing hide-and-seek, Aria, you are very, very bad at this game . . .”

Walking right past Caleb, as he types away in front of an OPEN WINDOW, Aria finds herself on the creepy, windy rooftop, screaming Caleb’s name . . . and not in a sexy way, either . . .  The minute she walked past that heavy door, held open by a rock, I just knew she was going to get locked up there by “A.”  What I didn’t expect was for Bushy Eyebrows Noel to start yanking on her legs, while she climbed a ladder, like the villains always do, in those action flicks.

Then, this happened  . . .

Never has Beard Boy Holden looked hotter than when he drop-kicked Noel in the nuts, to rescue Aria from his clutches.  It was 100% awesome sauce!  In fact, I may have to stop calling him Beard Boy, and start calling him Fight Club!

But Aria’s on to him . . .”Did someone jump you like that?  Is that how you got the bruises?” She wonders out loud . . .

Well, Holden, I’m sorry that you probably have an abusive dad and/or regularly used to get your ass kicked by people who don’t approve of your choice of mate.  That sucks!  But hey, at least you have a better nickname, now!

In other news, at the end of the night,  Emily’s and Aria’s regular calls from “Vivian” and “Vivian’s friend” to the number in Ali’s peacoat seem to have paid off.  Though, at first, someone who sounded suspiciously like Mona told them to piss off, when they called.  This time, the person on the other end of the line actually agrees to meet with them.

The plot . . . it thickens.

Oh, and as for Techno Boy Toy Caleb, he may be great at cracking cell phones, playing hide-and-go-seek, and being Hanna’s savior, but he sure is crappy at guarding his personal items.  Boyfriend is dumb enough to fall asleep at the school, with his precious laptop exposed to the world.

Is it any wonder the damn thing gets stolen in the middle of the night?

 Next week, on Pretty Little Liars . . .

Until then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Where’s Waldorf? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Back-up Dan”

“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box.  I’m a princess, now.  I can do whatever the f*&k I want!” 

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot  .  . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .

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(Guess which half I care about?)

I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .

When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.

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“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”

Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!  Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.

“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”

“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”

“Really?  WHY???‘

“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses.  (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)

BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”

DONUT: “I tried a few times.  The hairbrushes never made it out alive.  I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.” 

Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut.  “Donut!”  She says.  “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”

“Go forth, my minion.  And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met .  . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.” 

Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car.  But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).

“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her.  Dammit weiner!  This is all your fault.” 

Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed.  (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.)  First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”

 Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess.  But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item.  “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.

And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . . 

Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .

Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop.  I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.

Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!

“Oh the humanity!”  

Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb.  However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.

Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .

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Ah!  But here’s the problem.  In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!

No worries!  Blair Waldorf is a Princess!  And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports!  Oh wait . . . they aren’t?  Well, it sure was a nice try!  The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem.  Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess.  “Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .

“Could you say that again, a bit slower?  I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.” 

The Princess, of course, is furious about this.  She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face.  How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less.  Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!

Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .

The Case of the Missing Princess

Amazing, isn’t it?  How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S?  Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background.  (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)

When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot?  You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .

Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . .  .

“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .” 

Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.

Is it a far-fetched idea?  Absolutely.  But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?

Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment.  Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .

Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a.  the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only  caterer girl in the Upper East Side.  Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .

“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .” 

Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily.  And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity  . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .

“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”

Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!

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Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions.  “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet.  Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.”  (Solid advice).

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“What have you done with Blair?”  Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .

“I will cut you, Georgina.  (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)” 

“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?”  Georgina asks nefariously.

She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.

Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago.  Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly.  He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . .  one by one.”

“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.

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Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Silly Serena!  Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?

Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . .  But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .

As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?

In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .

Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality.  Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.

“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.” 

There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .

“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”

“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may  have left.)

Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!” 

She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son.  Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats.  According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .

Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . . 

Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of?  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .

Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota,  and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . .  I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.

“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!” 

And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?

Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)

Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .

At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . . 

Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year  won’t be discovered.  Off they go!

Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars .  . . this week.

Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER!  Beer?  Nate thinks to himself.  Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.

“You drink it out of a CAN?!  Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”

While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call.  “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!”  Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece!  Gotta run!  Toodles!”

Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .

He asks Lola who was on the phone.  And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.

“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .

“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?” 

And that would be the end of this boring happy couple.  But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house.  Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail.  Lily, of course,  picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate.  So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker.  Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.

You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . .  just sayin. 

A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid.  What a great mother she is!

In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.”  And, really, you can’t blame the guy.  I mean his cousin DID try to kill him.  That’s going to give anyone trust issues!

“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!” 

But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these  . . .

“I’m interested in hearing about your world.  I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”

Oooh!  Rejected!  But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena!  I hear she’s an easy lay!

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What have I done to deserve Donut?

Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE.  In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever.  “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.

This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing.  You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair?  The book she NEVER actually read?  Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door .  . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”

It’s THESE GUYS!

Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot.  “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says,  crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations.  (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)

“I know, right?”  Blair replies.

Surprise!  Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she?  After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl.  Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.

Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love.  (HOORAY!)  She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena.  You have to admit, girlfriend has a point.  That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!

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Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic.  Now, THAT’S more like it.  But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!

“They will never find me here.” 

“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)

Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!

“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”

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It’s time for our weekly Chair scene.  No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless.  Chuck promises to protect Blair .  . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her.  He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding.  And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!

But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him.  She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them.  She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.

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“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.

But Blair has more apologizing to do.  So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction.  She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows.  It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.”  They hug.  Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on  . . .   How generous and donuty of him!

AMIGO SUPREMO! 

She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.

Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS!  She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans.  (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.)  Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.

It’s martyric .  . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER.  Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?

But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding.  And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall.  Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants.  Please tell me they have those in Monaco.  Now, that’s something I’d really like to see.  Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it .  . .

Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?

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I think most of us probably figured that out already.  But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for  a little while longer.   And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

STOP . . . THAT . . . WEDDING – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s 100th Episode, “G.G.”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding.  During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.

Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding.  Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding.  Tell them what they will win, Bob!

It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!

Haha! Just kidding!  Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course .  . . Blair Waldorf.  But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug.  OK?

So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!

Except that it actually did . . . 😦 

Getting Wiggy with It!

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It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen.  When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG!  In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor.  Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.

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(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn.  But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her.  Go figure!)

Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again .  . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck.  Under the circumstances, can we  really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?

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Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable.  And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed.  So, that’s good, right?  However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings.  And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .

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Don’t despair, Serena.   You will get another chance to play, later on in the episode!

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Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota.  Could she be our second contestant, folks?

Nope!  Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day.  Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as  . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself.  Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!

Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty).  Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride.  Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck.  Why on Earth would she run away with me?  such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own.  From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .

Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .

Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding.  This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game.  Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed.  Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.

Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree?  Sesame Street?

Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony.  Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.

OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest?  Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s  . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?

This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean.  So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course.  (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)

But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue!  You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico.  And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE!  Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!

Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game.  Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest.  You won’t be going home, empty handed, however.  As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . .  And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .

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Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life.  So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair.  Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father.  In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .

“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.

WOAH!  Talk about taking one for the Team . . .

(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff.  But the jury’s still out for me.  I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)

“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”

Speaking of the android groom . . .

Lucky Louis-bot

“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)

Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”

Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver.  (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!)  Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair.  Well, that’s aspirational!

Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair.  But I digress.  Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing.  Will SHE be a contestant in our game?  It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .

Apparently, not.  You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union.  And why not?  That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity!  She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.

Wow, step aside Bad!Priest.  Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .

“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot.  (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)

And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .

Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”

Congratulations, Serena!  You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .

But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.

(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous.  Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it.  Just sayin . . .)

Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE.  Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”

Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .

In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .

It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the  actual plot of this episode.  Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.

“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”

Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name.  But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally.  Here are some other things that Nate often forgets:  (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .

Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap.  It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .

Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast.  So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair.  But now he’s been single for an entire episode.  So, clearly his life must be over.

NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”

DAN: *whistles uncomfortably* 

“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest star   woman old enough to be my mother   supervillain girl.”

Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that.  But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself.  So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now.  Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass.  (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)

“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .” 

Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding.  STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING!  STOP THE WEDDING!  Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring.  What a fun scene THAT would be!)

Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .

In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .

As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him.  (Ahh . . . honesty.  Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)

A time of self-reflection? 

But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress.  Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.

“Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off.  Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .” 

Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.

“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.

The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . .  Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp.  “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy.  When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten.  Than, I realized what it was  . . . you . . .”

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That’s right, Upper East Siders.  It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray.  Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding?  Only time will tell . . .

A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing

At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.

Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress.  She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.

“Come and get me, Bot Boy!” 

So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation?  Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal?  Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress.  Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .

But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight.  She still has one more ace up her sleeve.  And she’s not afraid to use it . . .

“Don’t marry him.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.

(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)

All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so.  We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here.  He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing.  But he is also gentle, and earnest.  Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.

He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy.  He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.

And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return.  “Of course, I love you, Chuck.  I have always loved you.  I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”

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Sounds great right?  So, what’s the problem?  The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it.  “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you.  You should find someone who loves you too.”

Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room.  But he doesn’t.   Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have.  She’s standing right in front of me.”

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And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition.  But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end.  Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?

You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .

Georgina and Serena each up their game .  . .

After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap.  That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched).  But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary.  Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck.  It’s a win-win move.  Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize.  (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he?  Well . . . actually he can .  . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)

Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.

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Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging.  (More on that, in a bit . . .)

But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit!  She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her.  You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .

Poor taste? 

But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .

Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot?  Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.

“Please, save the applause until after the show.” 

But will he?

iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .

Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far.  And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)

Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on.  Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.

Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .

“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation?  STOP THIS THING, LOVER!” 

Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing.  (You know I love you, Chuck.  But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)

I hope we can still be friends . . . 

Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.”  Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations.  It’s Gossip Girl.  She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.

Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding? 

Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.

“You’re FREEEEEE!  Run for your life!” 

Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep.  But the rest of the congregation is shocked.  Ladies and gentlemen, I  think we have  a winner.  Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?

It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH! 

Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding.  (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)

Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit.  Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent.  After all, he’s not the kind to write stories.  He has stories written about him.  Remember?

Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary.  She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing.  “You were dead,” she says.  “I saved your life.”

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Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts.  But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst.  What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding.  And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”

In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season  . . .

Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss.  Next stop, reception!

Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward.  Nate waddles off to hit on Lola.  And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school.  Now that’s romantic!   Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .

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  . . . and he responds by making this face  . . .

“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .

Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey.  But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).

“Do I smell fish?  Ick, Robot Breath . . .” 

“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect.  When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh.  My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg.  Now I know she ees righth.”  (Translation:  Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers.  My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage.  Now, I know she is right.)

And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face.  Classic.  Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true.  Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear.  Ouch!

Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself.  Absolutely!  But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot.  She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side.  So, it’s kind of win-win, right?

NOOOO.  Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders.  She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.”  And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper.  So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.

Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)

. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding.  Did Blair call him?

We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut.  *sigh*

Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo.  If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television.  And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.

Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!

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I definitely wasn’t expecting that!  Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least.  And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause.  For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.

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Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead?  Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter.  She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”

As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl.  I don’t know.  I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .

But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think, Upper East Siders?  Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you?  Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce?  As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .

XOXO!

[http://www.juliekushner.com/ingeneious.html!]

[Fangirls Forever – now with Funny Valentine’s day tees!]