[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .
Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows. If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired. Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.
The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.
Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late. Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise. That’s true. 🙂
However, I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit. I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”
On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry” though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it. Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box. That Grandma Cece! She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .
We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director. Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice. So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.” (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)
Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece. As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings! She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.
Talk about getting the last laugh! Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show. Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season. I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle. (Well, that was fast. She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)
Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola. This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed. (I guess Chuck’s employed too. But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money . . . with Blair . . . naked.)
Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.” He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had. But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.” In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls. She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much. Unfortunately . . .
“RING, RING, RING”
Serena: “Hi, New Family Member. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
Lola: “Nope. Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”
Serena: “It was bound to happen sometime! Listen, I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff. That’s cool. I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake. P.S. I always lie.”
Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”
Serena: “Welcome to my world!”
Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso. (Don’t they have servants for that?)
Because this isn’t homoerotic at all . . .
He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding. Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair. So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.
Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right? WRONG! But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .
Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent. Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?). She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.
“Psst telemarketer. I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house. So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.”
Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection. It’s just another day in Humphreyland! No big deal! Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .
“I love wakes and funerals. Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.”
Hurricane Georgina rides again
Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition. Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town. After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late. (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)
Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be. Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience. Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show. Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.
Just some food for thought . . .
Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing. And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0. Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified. When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.
Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls . . .
Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself. Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . .
Then again, so is this . . .
Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .
Wakey, Wakey . . .
Now, I’m not Irish. But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.
“OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game. Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“
It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch. And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun. Actually, that’s not true. What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.
Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .
All hail, Chuck Bass. He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love. (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.) Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.
You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts. Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts. Not Rufus 2.0 though. Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl. (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)
Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all . . . sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation. She doesn’t believe what she’s reading. Not Humpty Humphrey! He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he? (That would require him to have a personality.)
Ah, but he HAS done it. And he’s willing to admit it too. At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown. Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.
SHE FORGAVE HIM? JUST LIKE THAT??? REALLY? Is there no justice in this world?
While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone. Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?
A Tale of Two Charlies
Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene. and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake. (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!) There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.
That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes. We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .
What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena. While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.
Take that 1%ers!
Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks. Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building. As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will. Go figure.
“Hey Cece! Good to see ya. You’ve never looked better!”
For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates. When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”
“I swear! Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.”
Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to . . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.
That’s right, boys and girls. Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance. And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY. Wow, she must really hate her family, A LOT!
Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders. After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .
Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did. For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally. For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.
Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .
I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan. But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did. I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more. But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .
Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her. Really? Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena? THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family? I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.
My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it. And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes. But hey, what the heck do I know?
In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again. That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER. Predictable. Shocking, I know . . .
“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?”
“ME! Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.”
“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. . . the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time. How’s that for pathetic? But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment. Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets. However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .
Don’t do it, Blair . . .
Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television: “DON’T GO IN THERE!” “LOCK THE DOOR!” “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.” “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”
Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.” Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom. I knew it was coming. And I dreaded it like the plague. But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . . It was quite frustrating, really.
Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video. Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding. As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .
“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.” (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)
. . . making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.
Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison. Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment, Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.
“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.”
Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .
Rhymes with Ditch . . .
Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup. And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”
“AHHHH! He’s suffocating me! Make it stop!”
OK, so let me get this straight. Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan? I don’t buy it. After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?
Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan. At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place. (SURPRISE!) Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe. So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself. It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!
And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING? Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately? The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down. But this one just pouts and walks away. Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .
Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season. Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals. But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own. No me gusta.
Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping. “It’s different this time. She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.
Well, that’s the understatement of the century! Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf. However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information. It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.
The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .
In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time. Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks. Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?
Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again? Gahhhh . . . is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?
Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex. Hooray!
“Please don’t make me kiss him again. Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”
Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.
Yes, Donut Dan. She knows your name. Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is . . .
And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell. When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . . After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his. How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.
Slug or Stud? You decide . . .
That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do). You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .
Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.
Greetings, Upper East Siders! Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!
That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit. So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?
Well, hello there 2007. We’ve missed you!
One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history. GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .
Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days. Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it. And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.
This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .
As for Donut Dan? Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007. Does that count? (Speaking of the Donut, did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?” Well said, Georgina!)
The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.
“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses. (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)
Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .
. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . . . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it. Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair. He wants to give her DVDs to watch.
Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch. Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower. Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already. And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .
Don’t let it go to your head . . .
Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever. He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever. (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.) “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.
When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her. She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride. Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl. Hugging commences.
Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans. Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog. (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth. How fitting!) Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her. Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .
This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .
She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day! But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it. (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it. But you catch my drift.)
After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer. Ummmm . . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you? It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.
Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper. Oooooh, BURN!
But, worry not! Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse. As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school. This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal. It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!
A Date with Donut-y Destiny!
Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg . . . thing).
Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts. “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully. (Ah, memories!)
This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup. Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news. “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.
(OK, he’s cute and all. But where the heck did this guy come from? And doesn’t he have a job? What exactly do these two do for money? The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)
Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today. I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet. Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.
Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?), Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater. (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.) Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way. . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.
Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another. Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.
I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .
Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else. But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.
Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware. And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.” If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry is a BAD IDEA! But Serena isn’t quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.
Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.” “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.
Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!
And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .
Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she? So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.
And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself. (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!) By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there. Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion. After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!
My Bloody Valentine . . .
While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1. (Still fits!) As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit. Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels. (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)
As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass. *sigh* Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck. Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.
But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .
Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him. Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary. Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .
Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there. (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!) Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers. So, you never know . . .
“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit . . .”
What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes. AWKWARD! It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.” Poor Lola. She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.
“I swear I showered today!”
And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball. This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”
Ruh-roh! Someone’s just been busted. Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .
“I’m so much better at being me, than you are. So, suck it, b*tch!”
Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .
Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school. She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice. So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .
Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress. He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.
“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”
Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering. So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year. In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.
Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B. Well, that’s gotta be confusing? Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests? Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him. More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.
While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl. It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .
GG: Kiss her.
GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.
But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room. (Seriously, Georgina? Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate? What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)
I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room. Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl? Or Monkey?
Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback? Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place. “You’re Gossip Girl? He asks, incredulously.
Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself. First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.” Talk about an identity crisis!
Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos. Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”
Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?” Really, Blair . . . really? Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena? This goes beyond simply cock blocking. This is cock-TYING. And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .
“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut. “Tell me what would make you happy.”
“Why your tongue down my throat! That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.
Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .
The kiss . . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy! That was an offer for existential conversation, not a tongue bath.
You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over. It’s quite amusing. I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible. Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.
But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.
I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.
This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot. And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?
It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .
Yet we don’t always think before we tongue . And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut. It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss. Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss. Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.
Whatever the reason, it happened. And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .
Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it. In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement. Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut. But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D. And, honestly, who can blame her?
. . . who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon. Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.
“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.”
But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!
Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot? Hey, maybe she’s a robot too! It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .
In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business. (Well, duh!) She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen. (Double duh!)
Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from. (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .). In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her. Oh, the plot thickens . . .
Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!
Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER! Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.
“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”
“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”
“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses. (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)
BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”
DONUT: “I tried a few times. The hairbrushes never made it out alive. I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.”
Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut. “Donut!” She says. “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”
“Go forth, my minion. And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met . . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.”
Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car. But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).
“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her. Dammit weiner! This is all your fault.”
Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed. (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.) First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”
Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess. But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item. “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.
And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . .
Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .
Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop. I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.
Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!
“Oh the humanity!”
Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb. However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.
Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .
Ah! But here’s the problem. In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!
No worries! Blair Waldorf is a Princess! And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports! Oh wait . . . they aren’t? Well, it sure was a nice try! The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem. Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess. “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .
“Could you say that again, a bit slower? I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.”
The Princess, of course, is furious about this. She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face. How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less. Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!
Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .
The Case of the Missing Princess
Amazing, isn’t it? How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S? Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background. (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)
When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot? You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .
Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . . .
“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .”
Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.
Is it a far-fetched idea? Absolutely. But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?
Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment. Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .
Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a. the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only caterer girl in the Upper East Side. Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .
“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .”
Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily. And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .
“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”
Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!
“What have you done with Blair?” Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .
“I will cut you, Georgina. (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)”
“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?” Georgina asks nefariously.
She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.
Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago. Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly. He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . . one by one.”
“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.
Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Silly Serena! Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?
Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . . But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .
As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts. Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?
In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .
Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality. Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.
“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.”
There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .
“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”
“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may have left.)
Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son. Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats. According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .
Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . .
Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of? Just saying . . .
Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .
Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota, and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . . I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.
“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!”
And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?
Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)
Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .
At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . .
Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year won’t be discovered. Off they go!
Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars . . . this week.
Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER! Beer? Nate thinks to himself. Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.
“You drink it out of a CAN?! Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”
While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call. “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!” Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece! Gotta run! Toodles!”
Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .
He asks Lola who was on the phone. And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.
“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .
“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?”
And that would be the end of this boring happy couple. But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house. Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail. Lily, of course, picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate. So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker. Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.
You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . . just sayin.
A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid. What a great mother she is!
In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.” And, really, you can’t blame the guy. I mean his cousin DID try to kill him. That’s going to give anyone trust issues!
“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!”
But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these . . .
“I’m interested in hearing about your world. I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”
Oooh! Rejected! But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena! I hear she’s an easy lay!
Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE. In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever. “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.
This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing. You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair? The book she NEVER actually read? Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door . . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”
It’s THESE GUYS!
Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot. “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says, crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations. (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)
“I know, right?” Blair replies.
Surprise! Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she? After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl. Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.
Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love. (HOORAY!) She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena. You have to admit, girlfriend has a point. That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!
Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic. Now, THAT’S more like it. But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!
“They will never find me here.”
“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)
Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!
“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”
It’s time for our weekly Chair scene. No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless. Chuck promises to protect Blair . . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her. He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding. And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!
But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him. She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them. She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.
“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.
But Blair has more apologizing to do. So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction. She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows. It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.” They hug. Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on . . . How generous and donuty of him!
She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.
Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS! She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans. (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.) Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.
It’s martyric . . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER. Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?
But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding. And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall. Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants. Please tell me they have those in Monaco. Now, that’s something I’d really like to see. Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it . . .
Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?
I think most of us probably figured that out already. But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for a little while longer. And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!
Greetings, Upper East Siders! And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding. During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.
Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding. Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding. Tell them what they will win, Bob!
It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!
Haha! Just kidding! Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course . . . Blair Waldorf. But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug. OK?
So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!
It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen. When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG! In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor. Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.
(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn. But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her. Go figure!)
Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again . . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck. Under the circumstances, can we really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?
Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable. And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed. So, that’s good, right? However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings. And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .
Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota. Could she be our second contestant, folks?
Nope! Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day. Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself. Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!
Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty). Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride. Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck. Why on Earth would she run away with me? such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own. From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .
Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .
Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding. This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game. Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed. Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.
Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree? Sesame Street?
Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony. Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.
OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest? Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?
This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean. So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course. (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)
But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue! You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico. And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE! Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!
Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game. Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest. You won’t be going home, empty handed, however. As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . . And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .
Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.
She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life. So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair. Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father. In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .
“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.
WOAH! Talk about taking one for the Team . . .
(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff. But the jury’s still out for me. I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)
“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”
Speaking of the android groom . . .
“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)
Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”
Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver. (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!) Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair. Well, that’s aspirational!
Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair. But I digress. Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing. Will SHE be a contestant in our game? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .
Apparently, not. You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union. And why not? That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity! She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.
Wow, step aside Bad!Priest. Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .
“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot. (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)
And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .
Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”
Congratulations, Serena! You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .
But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.
(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous. Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it. Just sayin . . .)
Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”
Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .
In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .
It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the actual plot of this episode. Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.
“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”
Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name. But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally. Here are some other things that Nate often forgets: (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .
Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap. It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .
Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast. So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair. But now he’s been single for an entire episode. So, clearly his life must be over.
NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”
DAN: *whistles uncomfortably*
“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest starwoman old enough to be my mothersupervillain girl.”
Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that. But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself. So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now. Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass. (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)
“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .”
Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding. STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog. (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring. What a fun scene THAT would be!)
Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .
In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .
As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him. (Ahh . . . honesty. Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)
A time of self-reflection?
But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress. Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.
“Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off. Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .”
Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.
“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.
The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . . Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp. “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy. When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten. Than, I realized what it was . . . you . . .”
That’s right, Upper East Siders. It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray. Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding? Only time will tell . . .
A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing
At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.
Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress. She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.
“Come and get me, Bot Boy!”
So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation? Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal? Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress. Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .
But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight. She still has one more ace up her sleeve. And she’s not afraid to use it . . .
“Don’t marry him.”
“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.
(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)
All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so. We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here. He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing. But he is also gentle, and earnest. Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.
He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy. He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.” “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.
And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return. “Of course, I love you, Chuck. I have always loved you. I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”
Sounds great right? So, what’s the problem? The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it. “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you. You should find someone who loves you too.”
Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room. But he doesn’t. Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have. She’s standing right in front of me.”
And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition. But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end. Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?
You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .
Georgina and Serena each up their game . . .
After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap. That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched). But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary. Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck. It’s a win-win move. Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize. (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he? Well . . . actually he can . . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)
Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.
Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging. (More on that, in a bit . . .)
But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit! She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her. You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .
But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .
Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot? Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.
“Please, save the applause until after the show.”
But will he?
iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .
Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far. And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)
Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on. Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.
Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .
“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation? STOP THIS THING, LOVER!”
Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing. (You know I love you, Chuck. But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)
I hope we can still be friends . . .
Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.” Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations. It’s Gossip Girl. She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.
Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding?
Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.
“You’re FREEEEEE! Run for your life!”
Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep. But the rest of the congregation is shocked. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?
It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH!
Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding. (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)
Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit. Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent. After all, he’s not the kind to write stories. He has stories written about him. Remember?
Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary. She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing. “You were dead,” she says. “I saved your life.”
Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts. But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst. What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding. And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”
In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season . . .
Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss. Next stop, reception!
Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward. Nate waddles off to hit on Lola. And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school. Now that’s romantic! Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .
“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .
Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey. But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).
“Do I smell fish? Ick, Robot Breath . . .”
“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect. When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh. My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg. Now I know she ees righth.” (Translation: Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers. My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage. Now, I know she is right.)
And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face. Classic. Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true. Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear. Ouch!
Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself. Absolutely! But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot. She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side. So, it’s kind of win-win, right?
NOOOO. Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders. She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.” And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper. So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.
Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)
. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding. Did Blair call him?
We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut. *sigh*
Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo. If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television. And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.
Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!
I definitely wasn’t expecting that! Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least. And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause. For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.
Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead? Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter. She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”
As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl. I don’t know. I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .
But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell. So, what did you think, Upper East Siders? Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you? Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce? As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.
I must admit, I’m a bit worried. These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse. What’s next? Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?
Uh oh! I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye! But, before I do that, let’s review. Shall we?
Unholy Alliances . . .
When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears. (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.) Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead. And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.
As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.
His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode. I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover. Talk about adding insult to injury! Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .
Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . .
Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. To this, Chuck responds, “Meh! Do it. She’s got a sexy voice. And knowing your track record, she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go. Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”
Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.
Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .
“Kiss me, you Donut!”
So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating? Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning. That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple. But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .
Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type. So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style or lack thereof.
Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time. She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.” She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him. Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”
“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?”
But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless. And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .
At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.
“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings? Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”
Blair used to rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath. But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely. So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )! And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.
Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .
Beatrice-bot really plays up her other species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery Extravaganza. (Why? What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials? Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)
“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.”
Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor. And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”
Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable. When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?” How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks, while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.
But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .
Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)
In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck. (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair. And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss. The GG writers are such shameless teases! Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.” But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .
Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor. So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball. No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time. My theory? Slimeball Priest ate him . . .
“Tastes just like Heaven . . .”
Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .
Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend? Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .
We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day. But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky. He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco. What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time? Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?
There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .
Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .
Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil?
Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this. Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .
See, Blair? Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy. You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him . . . (You know you want to . . .)
In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate. I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .
Oh, that’s cold! Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters. That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!
On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .
(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl? Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)
When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.” Nate, I’m sorry. I like you, and all. But you wouldn’t know a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .
Shameless of me . . . I know.
Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning. Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling. I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel. Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .
“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .”
In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena. Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?
“When did I become such a stud?”
Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth, enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth. And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .
“Heyyyyyy . . . Serena. So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship . . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?”
“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . . even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”
“Yeah that’s the one. Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that. It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all. It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent. And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer. It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer. Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.”
“Sure, honey. No problem. I’ll take that column down, right away. Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now. Toodles!”
(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)
Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .
As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it. I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here. By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute (basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him). And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .
“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”
If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit. They’re very comfy, you know . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is. So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . . (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)
“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means. Darn Gossip Girl! Always so cryptic!”
As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published. We’ve seen this now three times, already. The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now. I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).
In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck. Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . .
Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.” So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.
“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George. And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”
“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .”
Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena. You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.
You know what that means? Darena fanfiction. So suck it, Alessandra . . .
“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version? I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .”
Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”
Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him. Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too). But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl. I smell a SCHEME!
I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!
Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset. So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what. But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.
Even the actors look bored by this scene . . .
Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp? Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster? It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .
Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped.
Let’s put aside for a second the fact that we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t. He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.” What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks. The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?
I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.). But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby. Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?
Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .
“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .”
Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess? Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party. It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week. And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER. In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .
Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . .
Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .
Of course, he’d have a lot more credibility saying this, if he WASN’T, going against his vows, by hooking up with Beatrice-bot . . .
In what was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode, Blair attends her bachelorette party at Panchitos, and proceeds to get rip-roaring wasted, thanks to a cleverly fixed drinking game, courtesy of Beatrice Bot.
You know who else is awesome? Drunk Blair! I don’t think I’ve seen her have this much fun, since she stripped for Chuck, and made sweet, sweet love to him for the very first time, in the limo, back in season 1 . . .
Sober Blair is prim, proper, and often calculating. Drunk Blair is bubbly, happy, carefree, and VERY friendly . . . she’s also a surprisingly good dancer . . .
You could tell Leighton Meester had a lot of fun exercising her comedy muscle, and displaying this rarely seen side of Blair. Part of me wishes Chuck was inside to see it to. Something tells me he would have enjoyed it . . . a lot . . .
You know who else would have enjoyed Drunk Blair? Serena . . . if she actually SHOWED UP! FRIEND FAIL!
Sure, ditch me for Grandpa Archibald, and the psycho serial killer Congressman. See, if I care?
Had Serena been at the party, she might have prevented Blair from making this drunken confession to Beatrice-bot . . .
Interestingly enough, I think it was Blair’s confession of her star-crossed love for Chuck to Beatrice-bot that actually convinced her NOT to try and sabotage her wedding (BOO). After all, as Blair so astutely reminded Beatrice-bot, these two actually have a lot in common: forbidden loves, daddy issues, scheming psyches . . . a love of macaroons. Best friendships have been built on way less . . .
Speaking of lovers and friends, when Blair finally leaves the bar, her lover (Chuck) and her friend (Dan) are waiting for her. But she doesn’t notice either of them, because she’s too busy getting arrested for handling a joint, someone just happened to toss her way, and fondling a police officer (appropriately named “Weiner”), who just happened to try and take it from her. Oops!
Anti-Blouis fans (including Chuck, Dan, Beatrice-bot, Slimeball priest, and 99.99% of the world couldn’t have planned it better) if they tried! After all, what Prince would marry a “drug addict?”
“Robots don’t do drugs. It causes them to prematurely rust.”
Surprisingly enough, given all that, Blair seemed to have luck (and friends) on her side. Moments after she landed in jail, Serena finally dragged her ass away from Golden Girls reruns to bail her out. And Blair was too drunk to even be pissed off about it . . .
Even more surprising was the fact that Beatrice-bot actually purchased all the cameras off bar patrons who photographed Blair, so that news of her cop humping, and ganja smoking antics wouldn’t get out? Well, except for the fact that her cop humping and ganja smoking antics were probably uploaded to YouTube and Facebook by at least ten people about five seconds after it happened . . .
And Blair lived happily ever after . . . well . . . except for a massive hangover . . .
. . . and the fact that she’s still marrying a lame ass cyborg . . .
“Please, S. Make this nightmare end . . . I was having such good sex dreams about Chuck. And then you had to go and wake me up to my REAL life.”
Becoming the villain . . .
Speaking of Chuck, he came to visit Blair at her home the night of the Bachelorette Party. But she was too wasted and busy having sex dreams about him to come to the door . . . He did vow to keep fighting for her, though . . .
. . . even if that means forming a VERY unholy alliance with the same Slimeball Priest, who, apparently, got his supposed lover Beatrice-bot shipped off to a missionary in Africa, when he heard she wasn’t going to scheme with him against Blair anymore . . . (Nice guy, right?) Does it make me a terrible person, that, as awful as Slimeball Priest is, I STILL hope he will succeed in helping Chuck stop this travesty of a wedding?
Oh well . . . You can’t be good all the time, right?
Speaking of no good, even though Blair explicitly told Serena that she didn’t have to pretend to date Dan, anymore, Serena lied to Dan, and said that they DID, just to give her a better chance at getting in his pants. It’s kind of pathetic, I’m not going to lie . . .
I’m starting to think that this guy has hypnotic powers. He probably hides them in his hair . . .
Why is Blair suddenly OK with Serena not fake dating, Dan, you ask? (Because that whole Serena fake dating Dan thing was a stupid idea to begin with). Because she and Louis-bot are in a “good place.” And why are they in a “good place.” Because Louis-bot apparently wrote Blair some REALLY good vows.
Oh, I’m sorry . . . did I say Louis-bot wrote some really great vows? I meant DAN wrote them . . .
(It’s important to note that Louis-bot chose to insert his little thank you note in a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger,” a book about a guy who lacks emotion and a personality, so he kills someone, more or less, in an effort to FEEL something. Hmmm . . . no emotions . . . no personality . .. Sound like anyone we know?)
Next week’s 100th episode of Gossip Girl, entitled GG promises a wedding . . . maybe . . .
. . . a Chuck Bass intervention . . .
. . . and, of course, the return of the deliciously evil, Georgina Sparks . . .
Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week. Go back to Chuck, honey. You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”
Welcome back, Upper East Siders! So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma. A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding. And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.
Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .
I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . .
Have you ever watched a television show that made you feel like you’ve just been punked? Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding! That was the fake episode! Now, you can watch the real one . . .”
Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”
Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes. . .
“Let Him Live . . .”
My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot. By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later. (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)
DAN: “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie? I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm . . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . . While you were Sleeping? Aw crap! Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”
I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast. I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud. Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers! But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst! I wanna see some tears! I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud! I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live! I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!
. . . Emmy Hopeful.
But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .
So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told. Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it. I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.
I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode. Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys. They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened. Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.
Then, it happens. Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him. The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear. Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair. But then he falls unconscious. His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney. Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed. We all feel her pain.
It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been . . .
We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed. Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party. Serena is tentative and nervous. She has bad but not particularly surprising news. Blair lost the baby.
Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb. Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat. Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense. After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair. And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.
And. . . then the two pretty much never mention it again . . .
Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby. Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl. But this is a HUGE deal! I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.
On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child. She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby. She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck. This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.
But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby. For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else. Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college. She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted. So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.
It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate. Just sayin . . .
But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news. She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation? “He’s lost a lot of blood. It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.
Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)
Talk about guilt and sadness! Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need. It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation. We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .
But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . . and by weird, I mean LAME.
Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really? That’s the sacrifice she chose? She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?). Lo and behold! At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.
And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper. Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing. But NOOOO! Chuck had to take a nap! So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”
And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . . . he doesn’t snore. But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!
When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder. After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together? So, what gives? Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!
We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love. Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot. I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet? I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!
WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . .
(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does. But what if Louis-bot dies because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree? What does that say about Blair’s little theory? Will that be her fault, as well?)
Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off. (Golly gee? I wonder why?) Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles. Isn’t that sweet? NO, DAMMIT! Let the bastard rust! He’s ruining the show!
At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan. (Really? Again? Didn’t we do this storyline, already?) There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out. (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)
“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?”
After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness . . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode. Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .
“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.”
Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately. Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair. The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly. But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”
Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .
The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.
“Hey Chuck! No peeking, before the wedding! It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).”
Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress. Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera.”
Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently. Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute. She’s such a trooper, that Vera!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!
This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair. (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books? Weird . ..) You know who else is skulking around? Chuck. He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face. You know The Face I’m talking about . . .
Yep. That’s the one . . .
Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!
Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.
As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!). It’s actually . . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH . . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key. Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun! *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*
Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER. But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.
(Will this madness never end?)
Convenient, right? Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man. Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .
There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .
Way to bury the lead, writers! Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see: Gossip Girl was FIRED! Seriously! They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!
Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. Harsh! So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?
Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .
“O . . . M . . . G!”
That’s right boys and girls. Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog. (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself. Thank you for noticing . . .)
Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen? Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning. Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .
Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone? Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown. All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.
But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?
New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL! (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.) But Serena’s not so sure she should do that. After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place. Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?
(And besides, she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)
So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask? Not much. Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together. What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.
*insert robot laugh here*
Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan. So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing. Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us. “That was not a miracle. That was modern medicine!” Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond. “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.
“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.”
But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced. And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret. Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .
Wait . . . what? I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing? Do they need a chaperone, or something? Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of steaming horse poopy? Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!
“I am? Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!”
Oh, Serena, honey! If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)
In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .
. . . while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party. (Stupid Nate! You are so dog-ist!)
Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all? Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?
“Integrity RULES! Let’s go get wasted . . .”
Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .
Strange Bedfellows . . .
Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.” So, Nate does a little investigating. He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures. All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .
Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel? It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!). And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back. Sounds like a good deal right?
(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom? Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)
In other sort of gossip-related news . . .
Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?
It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points. The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes. Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled. However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.
“Who the f*&k are you?”
Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie. But, here’s the kicker. Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID. So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl? For shame!
“That Charlie . . . what a loser!”
But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene. And we got one . . .
“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass. Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life. What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.
It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM. But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.
You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point. When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey. And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.
But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair. He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real. And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.