Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid. The world as we know it clearly has ended. Let’s review, shall we?
I Dream of Evil . . .
Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .
Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew. On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby. After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity. And let us not forget THOSE ABS!
And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful. He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.
Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?
Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .
Parental Guidance Suggested
For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental . . . (and sometimes all of the above)
*clears throat*
. . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction. Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.
“Can I offer you a hug? Or perhaps a cookie?”
Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school. This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!
Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!
Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . . being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . . accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . . leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?
But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?
The Ali Diaries, Part 26
For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she? I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!
Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart. But that’s just me . . .
At their regular morning Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.
In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .
But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be? Was it THIS GUY?
He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day . . . (Get it? Hang out? I guess you had to be there.)
Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode? Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?
One person it definitely not was Abs Toby. Why? Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .
“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”
“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”
We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback. And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead. Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .
In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL. In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .
Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer. In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.
“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself. “You’re just depressed. For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”
Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .
Well that’s one mystery solved . . .
“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND? YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA. OK! WHAT? NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”
So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?
And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?
Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.” Caleb was the culprit!
It makes sense, when you think about it. After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . . before he found out he had a magically rich mom? Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff! Boy’s gotta eat, right?
Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .
Just a thought.
Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.
This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible
“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”
Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read. Spencer totally flips out in English class! Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.
“Was it something I made you read?”
Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .
“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”
Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf. And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school. Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there. Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?
Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty. And it’s a really powerful moment. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?
Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria . . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .
Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .
Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch. (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.
ARIA: “What? You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder. April Fools . . . in February!”
Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due. Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances. Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding. By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.
Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself? What can I say? I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!
Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .
Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism
When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series. Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.
Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!
At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!
“You B*TCH! Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”
Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all. Off to the pokey you go, girl! But not to worry! Emily is waiting for you there . . .
Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?
“You again? Don’t you ever leave?”
Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!
Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .
. . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .
. . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!
Now, that’s some pretty big gossip! But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops. Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.
Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?
Here’s a better question. Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?
In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .
Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .
. . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .
. . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?
Oh dear! It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention! Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?
Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel? More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode. Come on! Don’t pretend you don’t want one!
Greetings, Werebangers! This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive. After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .
Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information. We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master. We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims . . . what ties them together . . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.
And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!
Color me impressed . . .
So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here. Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites: teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf. So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]
In ‘Da Club
Go Wolf Twins! It’s your birthday! We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday. We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .
Go shorty, it’s your birthday! (But hopefully, not your 24th.) Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills. And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .
. . . is going to be there. This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!
Seriously? Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses. And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .
But that’s neither here nor there. What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?). And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened. Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?
“Hi! Welcome to my funeral! Admission is $75 . . .”
The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them. For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.
Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago, back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad. (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24. But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)
“It is was a hard knock life for us.”
Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.
The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds. However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.
Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?
“I got it! I know who the Kanaima’s Master is! It’s KAISER SOZE!”
We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth). But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?
Confused yet? There’s more!
The Puppet Master
OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations. All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .
While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is! Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).
The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master. They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings. So, what hurts one, hurts the other. (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)
“Hey kids! Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”
In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads! Talk about a bargain. (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket. That’s for sure!)
Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .
Isaac gets a two-fist discount.
Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf. Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves. They can’t fight Scott. They can’t fight Derek. They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison. And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson. (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern. Four = these two are pathetic.)
But they are excellent at sleeping!
And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting. When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too. FREE!
Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face. Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums. Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?
The World may never know . . .
In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .
In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .
For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover. “Who will she choose?” The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.
Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.
For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family. I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .
And Scott loves his mom . . .
But Allison? With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”) Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be. (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!) I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves. It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.
However, that all changed this week. It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .
“Hey Allison! You used to like playing with Barbie’s right? Well, these are life size! I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”
. . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.
“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . . .”
And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .
“It’s not you. It’s me. It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight. And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”
Now, in Scott’s defense, he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.
And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”
That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy. For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp. For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.
“Silly Scott! And you’re supposed to be the smart one. Oh wait, no your not. Nevermind then.”
Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .
Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking heatedly in an empty classroom. All she was . . . well . . “the heat.” And so, instead, she looked like this . . .
That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch! And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!
In much kinder and gentler news . . .
Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .
Good ole, Stiles. Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .
. . . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!
And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”
If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .
Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .
But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .
Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.
You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?
Allow me to explain . . .
Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.” So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and, SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!
Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .
You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”
“Oh this? This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”
However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave. And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.
And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?
So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot. Real nice!
“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”
Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle. But does Stiles get discouraged. Heck no! Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle. And, just like that, HE DOES! It’s magical . . .
. . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.
I’ll let you know how that goes . . .
In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .
Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission. “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.
You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course, he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission! (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy? Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)
But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first. Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them. It’s time to do battle!
At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back. You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.” Now, I know the truth. Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack. On the contrary, he’s Alpha’s Pet! This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are. Instead, he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!
Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their . . . weapons and stuff.
“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.” Consider that a lesson learned. Hey, you can’t win em all!
Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .
It’s Bump and Grind Time!
It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it. That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will, if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .
Easier said than done . . .
I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.
And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes. Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .
Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast. It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle. But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room. But Poor Pathetic Isaac. Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.
“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!
In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .
But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust! The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson. As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.
In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.
“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event. Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.
This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die. My theory? Drowning!
It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .
Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .
It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .
Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.
Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .
Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim. Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .
“Go, BYE BYE!”
Hey, look on the bright side. Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!
How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)
Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.” This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee! Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”
Real smooth, Matty-poo!
Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . . “He came out of nowhere! It was just an accident.”
Right?
WRONG! As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .) And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).
What happens next is a little shocking . . .
I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive. What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .
In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing. Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends. I am! All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . . hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.
Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves. Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season. “One bite can change everything.”
This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant. I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .
In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .
“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”
. . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.” But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway. Is she a relative? Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on? Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?
Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions. Until next time, Werebangers!
I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week. She didn’t take it well . . .
Que Pasa, My Pretties! Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?
Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!
So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”
Ahhh . . . those were the good old days. And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .
. . . I miss my adorkable stud muffin . . . A LOT.
Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something. And yet, somehow I doubt it . . . A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.
Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan. (That’s right, Lucas! You show that trashcan who’s boss!)
Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter. And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna. It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .
. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.
This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.
Am I the only one noticing a pattern here? These two just totally did a personality swap . . . kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .
Now, Caleb, a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.
And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.
Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past, bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?
The plot . . . it thickens . . .
Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .
In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .
So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her. This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.
As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.
We don’t get much for free in this world. And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .
But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change. It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.
In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.
When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .
. . . which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . . .
Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!
Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .
In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .
Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable, crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.
It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.
B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late, seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.
Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”
You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes. After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right? At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.
Except, as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident. This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS. And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.
The question is why? And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.
Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby? Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?
Or this . . .
We may never know . . .
In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .
Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.
So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”
It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE. You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.
(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo. This might be one of the reasons why.)
And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.
If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger. I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .
Riiiight . . .
In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .
But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona. Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?
You just never know what you’re going to get with her. One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .
. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength. Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”
Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .
But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again. Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?
Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)
In which A drinks coffin vodka . . . EWWW!
Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode . . . the “A” team moment. We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia. There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.
Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.
Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.
I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .
. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.
But still, did “A” really have to drink it? That’s just gross . . .
It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .
Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows. If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired. Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.
The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.
Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late. Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise. That’s true. 🙂
However, I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit. I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”
On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry” though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it. Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box. That Grandma Cece! She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .
We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director. Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice. So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.” (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)
Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece. As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings! She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.
Talk about getting the last laugh! Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show. Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season. I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle. (Well, that was fast. She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)
(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)
Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola. This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed. (I guess Chuck’s employed too. But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money . . . with Blair . . . naked.)
Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.” He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had. But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.” In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls. She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much. Unfortunately . . .
“RING, RING, RING”
Lola: “Hello?”
Serena: “Hi, New Family Member. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
Lola: “Nope. Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”
Serena: “It was bound to happen sometime! Listen, I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff. That’s cool. I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake. P.S. I always lie.”
Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”
Serena: “Welcome to my world!”
Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso. (Don’t they have servants for that?)
Because this isn’t homoerotic at all . . .
He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding. Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair. So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.
Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right? WRONG! But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .
Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent. Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?). She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.
“Psst telemarketer. I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house. So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.”
Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection. It’s just another day in Humphreyland! No big deal! Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .
“I love wakes and funerals. Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.”
Hurricane Georgina rides again
Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition. Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town. After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late. (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)
Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be. Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience. Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show. Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.
Just some food for thought . . .
Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing. And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0. Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified. When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.
Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls . . .
Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself. Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . .
Then again, so is this . . .
Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .
Wakey, Wakey . . .
Now, I’m not Irish. But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.
“OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game. Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“
It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch. And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun. Actually, that’s not true. What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.
Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .
All hail, Chuck Bass. He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love. (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.) Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.
You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts. Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts. Not Rufus 2.0 though. Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl. (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)
Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all . . . sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation. She doesn’t believe what she’s reading. Not Humpty Humphrey! He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he? (That would require him to have a personality.)
Ah, but he HAS done it. And he’s willing to admit it too. At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown. Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.
SHE FORGAVE HIM? JUST LIKE THAT??? REALLY? Is there no justice in this world?
While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone. Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?
A Tale of Two Charlies
Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene. and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake. (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!) There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.
That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes. We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .
What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena. While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.
Take that 1%ers!
Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks. Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building. As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will. Go figure.
“Hey Cece! Good to see ya. You’ve never looked better!”
For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates. When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”
“I swear! Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.”
Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to . . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.
That’s right, boys and girls. Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance. And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY. Wow, she must really hate her family, A LOT!
Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders. After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .
Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did. For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally. For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.
Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .
I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan. But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did. I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more. But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .
Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her. Really? Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena? THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family? I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.
My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it. And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes. But hey, what the heck do I know?
In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again. That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER. Predictable. Shocking, I know . . .
“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?”
“ME! Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.”
“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. . . the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time. How’s that for pathetic? But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment. Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets. However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .
Don’t do it, Blair . . .
Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television: “DON’T GO IN THERE!” “LOCK THE DOOR!” “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.” “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”
Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.” Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom. I knew it was coming. And I dreaded it like the plague. But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . . It was quite frustrating, really.
Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video. Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding. As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .
“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.” (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)
. . . making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.
Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison. Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment, Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.
“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.”
Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .
Rhymes with Ditch . . .
Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup. And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”
“AHHHH! He’s suffocating me! Make it stop!”
OK, so let me get this straight. Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan? I don’t buy it. After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?
Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan. At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place. (SURPRISE!) Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe. So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself. It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!
And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING? Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately? The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down. But this one just pouts and walks away. Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .
Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season. Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals. But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own. No me gusta.
Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping. “It’s different this time. She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.
Well, that’s the understatement of the century! Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf. However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information. It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.
The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .
In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time. Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks. Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?
Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again? Gahhhh . . . is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?
Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex. Hooray!
“Please don’t make me kiss him again. Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”
Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.
Yes, Donut Dan. She knows your name. Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is . . .
And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell. When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . . After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his. How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.
Slug or Stud? You decide . . .
That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do). You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .
Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.
Greetings, Upper East Siders! Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!
That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit. So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?
Well, hello there 2007. We’ve missed you!
One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history. GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .
Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days. Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it. And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.
This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .
As for Donut Dan? Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007. Does that count? (Speaking of the Donut, did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?” Well said, Georgina!)
Puffs Plus!
The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.
“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses. (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)
Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .
. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . . . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it. Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair. He wants to give her DVDs to watch.
Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch. Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower. Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already. And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .
Don’t let it go to your head . . .
Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever. He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever. (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.) “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.
When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her. She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride. Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl. Hugging commences.
Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans. Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog. (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth. How fitting!) Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her. Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .
This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .
She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day! But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it. (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it. But you catch my drift.)
After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer. Ummmm . . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you? It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.
Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper. Oooooh, BURN!
But, worry not! Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse. As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school. This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal. It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!
A Date with Donut-y Destiny!
Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg . . . thing).
Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts. “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully. (Ah, memories!)
This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup. Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news. “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.
(OK, he’s cute and all. But where the heck did this guy come from? And doesn’t he have a job? What exactly do these two do for money? The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)
Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today. I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet. Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.
Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?), Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater. (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.) Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way. . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.
Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another. Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.
I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .
Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else. But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.
Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware. And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.” If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry is a BAD IDEA! But Serena isn’t quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.
Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.” “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.
Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!
And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .
Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she? So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.
And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself. (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!) By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there. Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion. After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!
My Bloody Valentine . . .
While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1. (Still fits!) As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit. Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels. (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)
As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass. *sigh* Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck. Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.
But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .
Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him. Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary. Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .
Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there. (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!) Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers. So, you never know . . .
“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit . . .”
What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes. AWKWARD! It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.” Poor Lola. She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.
“I swear I showered today!”
And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball. This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”
Ruh-roh! Someone’s just been busted. Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .
“I’m so much better at being me, than you are. So, suck it, b*tch!”
Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .
Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school. She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice. So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .
Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress. He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.
“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”
Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering. So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year. In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.
Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B. Well, that’s gotta be confusing? Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests? Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him. More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.
While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl. It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .
GG: Kiss her.
Donut: NO!
GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.
But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room. (Seriously, Georgina? Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate? What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)
SERIOUSLY!
I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room. Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl? Or Monkey?
Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback? Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place. “You’re Gossip Girl? He asks, incredulously.
Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself. First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.” Talk about an identity crisis!
Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos. Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”
Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?” Really, Blair . . . really? Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena? This goes beyond simply cock blocking. This is cock-TYING. And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .
“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut. “Tell me what would make you happy.”
“Why your tongue down my throat! That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.
Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .
The kiss . . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy! That was an offer for existential conversation, not a tongue bath.
You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over. It’s quite amusing. I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible. Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.
But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.
I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.
This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot. And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?
It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .
Yet we don’t always think before we tongue . And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut. It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss. Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss. Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.
Whatever the reason, it happened. And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .
Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it. In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement. Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut. But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D. And, honestly, who can blame her?
. . . who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon. Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.
“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.”
But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!
Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot? Hey, maybe she’s a robot too! It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .
In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business. (Well, duh!) She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen. (Double duh!)
Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from. (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .). In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her. Oh, the plot thickens . . .
Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!
“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box. I’m a princess, now. I can do whatever the f*&k I want!”
Greetings, Upper East Siders! It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot . . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .
When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.
Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER! Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.
“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”
“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”
“Really? WHY???‘
“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses. (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)
BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”
DONUT: “I tried a few times. The hairbrushes never made it out alive. I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.”
Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut. “Donut!” She says. “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”
“Go forth, my minion. And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met . . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.”
Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car. But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).
“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her. Dammit weiner! This is all your fault.”
Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed. (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.) First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”
Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess. But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item. “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.
And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . .
Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .
Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop. I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.
Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!
“Oh the humanity!”
Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb. However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.
Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .
Ah! But here’s the problem. In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!
No worries! Blair Waldorf is a Princess! And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports! Oh wait . . . they aren’t? Well, it sure was a nice try! The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem. Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess. “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .
“Could you say that again, a bit slower? I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.”
The Princess, of course, is furious about this. She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face. How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less. Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!
Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .
The Case of the Missing Princess
Amazing, isn’t it? How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S? Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background. (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)
When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot? You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .
Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . . .
“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .”
Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.
Is it a far-fetched idea? Absolutely. But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?
Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment. Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .
Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a. the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only caterer girl in the Upper East Side. Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .
“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .”
Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily. And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .
“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”
Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!
Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions. “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet. Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.” (Solid advice).
“What have you done with Blair?” Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .
“I will cut you, Georgina. (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)”
“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?” Georgina asks nefariously.
She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.
Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago. Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly. He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . . one by one.”
“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.
Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Silly Serena! Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?
Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . . But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .
As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts. Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?
In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .
Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality. Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.
“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.”
There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .
“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”
“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may have left.)
Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son. Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats. According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .
Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . .
Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of? Just saying . . .
Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .
Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota, and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . . I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.
“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!”
And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?
Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)
Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .
At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . .
Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year won’t be discovered. Off they go!
Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars . . . this week.
Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER! Beer? Nate thinks to himself. Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.
“You drink it out of a CAN?! Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”
While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call. “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!” Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece! Gotta run! Toodles!”
Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .
He asks Lola who was on the phone. And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.
“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .
“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?”
And that would be the end of this boring happy couple. But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house. Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail. Lily, of course, picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate. So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker. Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.
You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . . just sayin.
A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid. What a great mother she is!
In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.” And, really, you can’t blame the guy. I mean his cousin DID try to kill him. That’s going to give anyone trust issues!
“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!”
But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these . . .
“I’m interested in hearing about your world. I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”
Oooh! Rejected! But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena! I hear she’s an easy lay!
Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE. In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever. “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.
This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing. You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair? The book she NEVER actually read? Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door . . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”
It’s THESE GUYS!
Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot. “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says, crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations. (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)
“I know, right?” Blair replies.
Surprise! Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she? After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl. Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.
Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love. (HOORAY!) She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena. You have to admit, girlfriend has a point. That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!
Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic. Now, THAT’S more like it. But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!
“They will never find me here.”
“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)
Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!
“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”
It’s time for our weekly Chair scene. No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless. Chuck promises to protect Blair . . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her. He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding. And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!
But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him. She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them. She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.
“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.
But Blair has more apologizing to do. So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction. She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows. It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.” They hug. Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on . . . How generous and donuty of him!
AMIGO SUPREMO!
She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.
Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS! She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans. (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.) Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.
It’s martyric . . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER. Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?
But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding. And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall. Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants. Please tell me they have those in Monaco. Now, that’s something I’d really like to see. Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it . . .
Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?
I think most of us probably figured that out already. But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for a little while longer. And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!
Greetings, Upper East Siders! And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding. During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.
Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding. Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding. Tell them what they will win, Bob!
It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!
Haha! Just kidding! Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course . . . Blair Waldorf. But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug. OK?
So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!
It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen. When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG! In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor. Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.
(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn. But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her. Go figure!)
Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again . . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck. Under the circumstances, can we really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?
Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable. And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed. So, that’s good, right? However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings. And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .
Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota. Could she be our second contestant, folks?
Nope! Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day. Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself. Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!
Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty). Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride. Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck. Why on Earth would she run away with me? such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own. From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .
Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .
Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding. This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game. Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed. Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.
Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree? Sesame Street?
Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony. Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.
OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest? Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?
This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean. So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course. (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)
But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue! You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico. And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE! Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!
Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game. Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest. You won’t be going home, empty handed, however. As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . . And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .
Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.
She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life. So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair. Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father. In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .
“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.
WOAH! Talk about taking one for the Team . . .
(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff. But the jury’s still out for me. I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)
“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”
Speaking of the android groom . . .
Lucky Louis-bot
“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)
Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”
Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver. (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!) Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair. Well, that’s aspirational!
Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair. But I digress. Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing. Will SHE be a contestant in our game? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .
Apparently, not. You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union. And why not? That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity! She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.
Wow, step aside Bad!Priest. Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .
“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot. (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)
And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .
Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”
Congratulations, Serena! You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .
But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.
(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous. Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it. Just sayin . . .)
Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”
Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .
In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .
It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the actual plot of this episode. Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.
“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”
Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name. But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally. Here are some other things that Nate often forgets: (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .
Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap. It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .
Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast. So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair. But now he’s been single for an entire episode. So, clearly his life must be over.
NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”
DAN: *whistles uncomfortably*
“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest starwoman old enough to be my mothersupervillain girl.”
Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that. But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself. So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now. Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass. (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)
“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .”
Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding. STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog. (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring. What a fun scene THAT would be!)
Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .
In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .
As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him. (Ahh . . . honesty. Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)
A time of self-reflection?
But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress. Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.
“Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off. Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .”
Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.
“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.
The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . . Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp. “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy. When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten. Than, I realized what it was . . . you . . .”
That’s right, Upper East Siders. It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray. Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding? Only time will tell . . .
A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing
At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.
Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress. She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.
“Come and get me, Bot Boy!”
So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation? Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal? Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress. Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .
But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight. She still has one more ace up her sleeve. And she’s not afraid to use it . . .
“Don’t marry him.”
“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.
(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)
All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so. We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here. He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing. But he is also gentle, and earnest. Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.
He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy. He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.” “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.
And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return. “Of course, I love you, Chuck. I have always loved you. I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”
Sounds great right? So, what’s the problem? The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it. “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you. You should find someone who loves you too.”
Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room. But he doesn’t. Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have. She’s standing right in front of me.”
And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition. But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end. Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?
You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .
Georgina and Serena each up their game . . .
After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap. That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched). But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary. Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck. It’s a win-win move. Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize. (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he? Well . . . actually he can . . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)
Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.
Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging. (More on that, in a bit . . .)
But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit! She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her. You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .
Poor taste?
But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .
Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot? Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.
“Please, save the applause until after the show.”
But will he?
iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .
Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far. And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)
Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on. Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.
Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .
“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation? STOP THIS THING, LOVER!”
Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing. (You know I love you, Chuck. But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)
I hope we can still be friends . . .
Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.” Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations. It’s Gossip Girl. She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.
Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding?
Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.
“You’re FREEEEEE! Run for your life!”
Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep. But the rest of the congregation is shocked. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?
It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH!
Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding. (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)
Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit. Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent. After all, he’s not the kind to write stories. He has stories written about him. Remember?
Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary. She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing. “You were dead,” she says. “I saved your life.”
Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts. But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst. What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding. And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”
In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season . . .
Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss. Next stop, reception!
Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward. Nate waddles off to hit on Lola. And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school. Now that’s romantic! Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .
“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .
Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey. But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).
“Do I smell fish? Ick, Robot Breath . . .”
“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect. When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh. My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg. Now I know she ees righth.” (Translation: Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers. My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage. Now, I know she is right.)
And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face. Classic. Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true. Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear. Ouch!
Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself. Absolutely! But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot. She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side. So, it’s kind of win-win, right?
NOOOO. Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders. She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.” And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper. So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.
Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)
. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding. Did Blair call him?
We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut. *sigh*
Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo. If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television. And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.
Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!
I definitely wasn’t expecting that! Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least. And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause. For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.
Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead? Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter. She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”
As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl. I don’t know. I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .
But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell. So, what did you think, Upper East Siders? Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you? Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce? As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .
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