“Keep Your Shirt Off, Sawyer” – A Recap of Lost’s “Recon”

Woo hoo!  A Sawyer-centric episode!  This means I get to use my favorite “Josh Holloway Shirtless” picture again!  Never gets old . . .

Tonight we got to spend an hour with our sexiest Lostie — watching him do the four things that he does best: flirt, screw, brood, and con.  Additionally, we observed  Smokey working more of his manipulative magic, as he tried (in vain?) to recruit both  Sexy Lostie Sawyer and Spunky Lostie Kate to the Darkside.

“This Black Smoke stuff will sure come in handy, when I’m trying to vanquish my enemies aboard the Death Star.  It’s going to be  SO much more efficient than that oversized glow stick I usually use .  . .”

We also learned a bit more (but not too much more) about Team 3, in what is sure to be one heck of a Final Island Showdown. 

Two weeks ago, we met Team Smokey.  Last week, we focused on Team Jacob.  This week, we got a peak at Charles Widmore’s underwater crew, which I would hereby like to dub . . .  TEAM SUBBIE!

OK, OK . . . So, it was actually a BLACK submarine.  You really can’t go wrong with a Beatles reference, though.  Can you?

So, without further adieu, let’s do some “Recon” . . .

Brokeback Cop-land

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Sawyer!”

To be honest, Sawyer’s Flash Sideways bugged me.  For one thing, homoerotic undertones aside (Miles gave Sawyer enough longing looks during this episode to melt the Polar Icecaps!  And don’t even get me started on that “locker boyfight” scene), I just didn’t buy the Miles / Sawyer Bromance.  Perhaps, it was because neither of the typically snarky duo said anything particularly funny in flash-sideways world.  Or maybe, it was because my dream Lostie Buddy Cop Show always featured Miles and HURLEY!

“Sure, dump me for the Hot Guy!  But Sawyer won’t keep you warm at night, like I will.  And HE won’t be able to warn you when the dead person your ‘touching’ has dirty hands!”

Additionally, up until this point, the flash-sideways episodes were all about the characters seeking redemption for wrongs committed in their current timeline.  Here, by becoming a cop instead of a criminal, Sawyer was, theoretically, already redeemed, before the episode started.  Plus, the meat and potatoes of his story, i.e. whether he actually KILLS Anthony Cooper to avenge his parents deaths, wasn’t even shown during the episode.  If Sawyer commits a cold-blooded murder like this, can we truly say he has redeemed himself, just because he did it while wearing a badge?

Get Out of Darkside Free card?

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack a bit.  In “Recon,”‘ Sawyer’s flash-sideways ironically begins in precisely the same way his flashback in”The Long Con” began.  Namely, a deliciously Shirtless Sawyer . . .

Oh come on!  Tell me you didn’t want to see that again!

 . . . is lounging around, in a state of post-coital bliss, with a beautiful woman when Oops! a suitcase filled with cash pops open on the floor.  The difference here is that Sawyer’s current Gal Friday has a con artist husband, and, therefore, unlike his previous conquest, knows she’s being played for a fool.  Or does she?  When Mrs. Long Con pulls a gun on Sawyer and demands answers, his apartment is suddenly swarmed with cops, who instantly arrest her.  As it turns out, Sawyer wasn’t involved in a “Long Con” after all.  It was an undercover police sting operation.

“Put your shirt on, Sawyer,” remarks Sawyer’s police partner Miles.  (And, can I just say, “Worst advice EVER!”  Don’t make me show that pic again Miles, because I WILL DO IT!)

Back at the office, Miles asks Sawyer some probing questions about his recent “trip to Palm Springs,” when us viewers know he was really in Australia the whole time.  Sawyer fends off the inquiry long enough for Miles to set Sawyer up on a blind date with his “friend.”  And, who is this mysterious “friend” you ask?

It’s Charlotte Lewis.  Back from the dead and actually wearing makeup!

Charlotte and Sawyer seem to hit it off pretty well.  And after a few drinks, these two end up in bed together.  (Who knew archeaologists were so slutty?)  This is fabulous, of course, because we get treated to more of Shirtless Sawyer.  However, things go off the rails, when Sawyer heads off for a glass of water, and Charlotte uses her alone time as an opportunity to snoop around his bedroom.  First, she finds . . .

Apparently, both on and off the island, Sawyer screws like a bunny, and reads about them too . . .

She also comes across Sawyer’s BINDER OF VENGEANCE – complete with clippings about his parents’ tragic murder / suicide and the elusive Anthony Cooper, whose actions brought about their death.  Sawyer finds Charlotte reading the binder,  promptly freaks out, and kicks her the heck out of his apartment.

WTH Sawyer!  Overreact much?  Is this because I found out that you read books about furry little animals that talk?  Because I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Later, Sawyer feels guilty about his behavior, and arrives at Charlotte’s apartment with makeup sex on his mind.  His weapons of choice?  A giant sunflower and a cheap six pack of beer.

Foreplay?

That’s the problem with dating ridiculously good looking guys, they never really learn how to work for it.  Charlotte, though slutty, is clearly a stronger woman than I am, because she denies Sawyer’s ass.  Dejected, our hero leaves the sunflower outside Charlotte’s door (but takes the beer back, of course). 

You better watch it, Sawyer.  Just because they call it a “six pack,” doesn’t mean you get to keep yours if you keep drinking them like they are going out of style . . .

Upon returning to the police station once more, Sawyer has a run-in with Lostie Charlie’s rockstar brother, and is then assaulted (sexually?) by Miles.  Sawyer assumes Miles has pushed him up against the locker because he wants a quickie is angry at Sawyer’s shoddy treatment of Charlotte.  However, Boyfriend is actually super insulted at having found out that Sawyer lied about going to Palm Springs.  Later, Sawyer comes clean to Miles about the BINDER OF VENGEANCE and his plans to hunt down and murder Anthony Cooper. 

But before these two can hug it out, a car sideswipes them out of no where, and the driver gives chase.  Sawyer chases the hoodlum down a dark alley.  When he gets close enough to ID the perp, he finds out that it is . . .

Kate!  (Which reminds me, if Sawyer is a cop in Flash-Sideways world, why did he help Kate evade that federal agent back at the airport?)

Promises, Jungle Love, and the Smokey Mission

Back on Lost island, a frightened Jin awakens and tells Sawyer that the two of them better get the hell out of dodge, before Crazy Claire and Nu Locke return from whereever they are.  Sawyer then shocks Jin by telling him, “I am with Locke now.”

However, our favorite good-hearted bad ass, later qualifies his statement, explaining that all he wants to do is get off of the island, and Nu Locke can help him do that.  When Jin expresses reservations about leaving the island without Sun, Sawyer promises him that if the two of them find her, they won’t leave the island without her.  When the rest of the Smokey clan arrives at camp, Sawyer and Kate have the heartfelt reunion Skate fans have been longing for all season.  And you KNOW these two still have the hots for eachother!

Nothing says loving like hot bear cage sex.

 Nu Locke is currently playing nice with the Smokey clan, assuring them that he will protect them from the Evil Smoke Monster that killed all of their friends.

 . . . can avoid Evil Temple Fires!

However,  Sawyer isn’t buying it.  He calls Nu Locke out in front of the group for promising to get him off the island and not delivering.  Nu Locke pulls Sawyer aside and admits to being the Smoke Monster, but claims that he only did what he had to in order to escape Lost island. 

Sure, I’m a supernatural mass murderer, but that doesn’t make me EVIL.  It just makes me HOMESICK!

(BTW Dude, you are a PUFF OF SMOKE!  If you want to get off the island, can’t you just blow yourself off?)

Nu Locke then sends Sawyer out on a mission.  He is to head to Hydra island  (locale of the infamous bear cage sex romp), and do recon work on a group of folks there that are intending to do the Smokey clan harm.  Nu Locke strokes Sawyer’s ego, claiming that he chose Hot Stuff for this mission, because he’s the best liar in town. 

 Crazy Moms and the Folks Who Fear Them

Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, I’ll  . . . MAKE YOU SLEEP WITH A DOLL MADE OUT OF A DEAD CARCASS!

While Sawyer is on his mission, Kate FINALLY begins to question Claire’s sanity, after she finds the nightmare-inducing dead carcass inside Aaron’s baby bassinet.  “It is all I have left,” explains Claire.

Later Claire jumps Kate and tries to kill her, while Evil Sayid stands idly by and watches, looking bored.  Oddly enough, it is Nu-Locke who comes to Kate’s rescue.  Nu Locke later pulls Kate aside and apologizes for Claire’s bat sh&t craziness.  He feels partly to blame.  (Partly?  Try fully!)  According to Locke, without Aaron, Claire had lost the will to live, and to keep her going, Locke told her the Others took her baby.  This anger, he claimed, helped her to survive.  And now, Claire has transplanted that hate to Kate.

Nu-Locke admits that he was once a REAL PERSON with a bat sh&t crazy mom.  SPOILER ALERT:  Scroll down to find out who Nu-Locke’s mom is . . .

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This explains so much . . .

Kate asks Nu-Locke why he has confided this in her.  Nu Locke explains, “Because Aaron now has a crazy mom.”

Aha!  So Locke is trying to use Kate’s love for Baby Aaron to get her to join the Darkside.  Very crafty . . .

Smelly Dead People, More Promises, and Gun-Toting Submariners

Meanwhile, Sawyer sails off to the Hydra, and is immediately overcome by its smells, both good ( a ripped portion of Kate’s sexed-up bear cage dress), and bad (a pile of rotting bodies next to a nearby downed airplane).  At the plane site, Sawyer meets a woman named Zoe who claims to be the only survivor of the tragic flight.  Sawyer offers to take her back to his Smokey people, but becomes suspicious when she asks him whether his “people” have guns.  Suddenly, Sawyer is surrounded by a bunch of gun-toting mercenaries who take Sawyer down to their submarine where he encounters  . . .

Charles Widmore!

Instinctively recognizing that Widmore is here to off Nu-Locke, Sawyer makes a deal with the Team Subbie leader.  He will get Nu Locke onto the Submarine, so that Widmore can kill him, in exchange for free passage off the island for him and his friends. 

Careful Sawyer.  Remember the last time someone tried to broker this sort of “deal?”  It didnt work out so well for HIM . . .

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?)

Later, Sawyer returns to the island, and provides Nu Locke with a boatload (pun intended) of information about Widmore and his gang, including the faux-deal Sawyer brokered with Widmore regarding Nu Locke’s life.  Nu Locke thanks Sawyer for his loyalty.

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)

At the episode’s conclusion, Sawyer tells Kate his real plan.  “Let these two Evil Doofuses duke it out amongst themselves.  You and I are going to escape Lost island . . . via submarine!”

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)   Sawyer = Member of Team Skate!!!!!! 

That’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when we finally find out how Richard Alpert has stayed so young-looking all these years (and what kind of eyeliner he wears).

 

It’s The Locke Comedy Hour! – A Recap of Lost’s “The Substitute”

This week’s installment of Lost kind of reminded me of a sitcom, complete with running gags, a catchphrase, and Peggy Bundy from Married with Children.

Here’s the pitch.  Charlie Brown is all grown up, and is now suffering the slings and arrows of late middle age.  (Then again, Charlie Brown has been bald since age 8.  So, at least that part of the aging process is easy for him.)  Unfortunately, due to a freak accident involving an ex-girlfriend and a football, he has been confined to a wheelchair . . .

But that doesn’t mean he can’t have madcap adventures!  This groundbreaking new sitcom is called . . . wait for it . . .  “You’re Getting Old, Charlie Brown.”

Starring John Locke as Charlie Brown .  . .

Hurley as Pig Pen . . .

Rose as Marcy . . .

With special guest star Benjamin Linus as Linus!

So, without further adieu, let’s roll the credits, sing along to the cheesy theme song, and tune in for The Locke Comedy Hour!

Nobody Tells Old Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (Except Everybody Does)

When we last left our bald-headed friend in Flash Sideways World, he was at the airport, filing a claim for his lost luggage  (a case containing his spiffy knife collection), and gabbing it up with spinal surgeon, Jack Shepard, who offered the wheelchair bound “Man of Faith” his business card.  Now Locke is heading back to his cute little ranch home in the suburbs.  In a running joke that pops up throughout the episode, the thingamajigger in Locke’s car that raises and lowers his wheelchair to the street, gets stuck, causing him to face plant on his freshly mowed grass (insert laugh track here).

Eventually, Locke rights himself and enters his home, where he receives a warm welcome from his fiancé Helen (Peg Bundy in the flesh!). 

Just a sidenote . . .

If you recall, in Original Lost World, Helen left Locke when he refused to break ties with his con man biological father, Anthony Cooper, who had  convinced Locke to donate him his kidney and then promptly abandoned him after he did so.  After Helen disappeared, Locke became involved with Cooper again.  The latter pushed Locke out of an 8th story window when Locke tried to intervene in a con Cooper had orchestrated.  It was this fall that resulted in Locke being confined to a wheelchair.

In Flash Sideways World, Locke is already in a wheelchair, but Helen is obviously still in his life.  It is unclear when, in the context of this universe, Helen returned to Locke.  Additionally, when discussing their upcoming nuptials, Helen mentions having a small wedding with both her own and Locke’s parents.  Presumably, Helen is referring to Locke’s adoptive parents and NOT his sociopathic biological dad.  Yet, as all bets tend to be off in Flash Sideways World, we cannot be too sure.

Although in the season’s premiere episode, Locke spoke with Boone on the plane about attending the Australian walkabout, when Locke speaks to Helen and his D-bag boss Randy, he only refers to a “conference” that he attended while in Australia.  D-bag Randy (1) catches Locke in a lie about this “conference;” (2) determines that Locke attended the walkabout instead; and (3) promptly fires him.  In the parking lot, a recently unemployed Locke AGAIN can’t get his chair mover thingamajigger to work, because another car is parked too close to his own (insert laugh track here).

Fortunately, the owner of the car comes to Locke’s rescue.  And it’s . . . HURLEY! 

Not at all peeved that an angry Locke tried to bash in his car, Rich Lottery-Winning Hurley, who just so happens to own the box company that just fired Locke, passes him the number to a temp agency that he also owns (Who knew this guy had such an entrepreneurial spirit?) and promises  Locke a new job.

Locke travels to the temp agency and promptly asks to speak to the supervisor there.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  Time’s up!  It’s ROSE!

Locke demands that Rose give him a job at a construction site.  In support of his job qualifications, Locke shouts what will no doubt become the hottest catch phrase in television history.  “Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (Insert audience applause).

(OK, maybe the second hottest catchphrase . . . Sorry Arnold.)

Rose, however, WILL NOT be won over by catchphrases.  She puts Locke in his place, stressing the importance of accepting one’s limitations in order to lead a full life.  Her admission that her life is “better” now that she has come to terms with her terminal cancer diagnosis is both ironic and poignant, seeing as BOTH Rose and Locke have been cured of their respective ailments in Island World.  (Then again . . . in island world Locke is dead . . . soooo . . .)

Locke ultimately takes Rose’s advice.  He comes clean to Helen about the humiliation he experienced when he was denied the opportunity to participate in the Australian walkabout.   He then, tears up Jack’s business card, determined not to spend his life seeking treatments he knows will not cure him (so much for the Man of Faith . . .).  Ultimately, Locke accepts a job from the temp agency as a SUBSTITUTE teacher  (See how they used the episode title there?  Clever right?). 

In the teachers’ lounge, Locke encounters a curmudgeony history teacher bitching about the other teachers’ failure to clean the coffee pot after usage.  And that curmudgeony teacher is . . . 

BENJAMIN LINUS (Insert thunderous applause for our special guest star!)

And that ends our flash-sideways portion of the evening.  As you can see, not too much happened here to advance the general plotline . . .

Nobody Tells Nu-Locke What He Can and Can’t Do (No . . . Really . . .  NO ONE!)

Back in our original timeline, Nu-Locke is traveling around in style, using his favorite mode of transportation, a black cloud of smoke.  And I have to say, I’m a bit jealous.  Walking to the subway station on the way to work can be so time consuming and tedious sometimes.  All those darn people are always getting in my way!  Now, if I could travel Smokey style, that would be a completely different story.

According to the remaining female survivor of Jacob’s followers (Nu-Locke killed the rest under the guise of Smokey, two weeks ago), Nu-Locke is now “trapped” in Locke’s form and is “looking for recruits” to help him get off the island.  Locke’s first candidate for a recruit is Richard Alpert.  Unfortunately, Alpert is a no go, because he is on . . .

Next, Nu Locke turns to Sawyer, who is still moping over Juliet, and is busy getting wasted in the cabin where he and she used to live.  Unlike Richard Alpert, Sawyer doesn’t need to be on Team Jacob, or any team, for that matter, because he looks like this . . .

With nothing to lose, now that the love of his life is gone, Sawyer follows Nu-Locke into the jungle, enticed by Nu-Locke’s offer to show him the answer to the question that has been plaguing Lost fans for 6 seasons now: Why is Sawyer [or any Lostie for that matter] on this crazy Island?

While Nu-Locke and Sawyer are heading off on their madcap adventure, back at the beach, Jacob’s sole surviving follower convinces Ben, Sun, and Lapidus to travel with her to the Temple where the rest of the Losties are currently stationed.  Before they can go, however, they have to dispose of Old Locke’s body.  The gang dig a hole and perform an impromptu burial of their sort-of friend.  However, when it comes time to provide a eulogy, no one seems all that excited to speak on Dead Old Locke’s behalf.

Finally, Ben decides to say a few words.  “John Locke was a Believer,” he says.  “He was a Man of Faith.  He was a better man than I will ever be.  I’m sorry I murdered him.”

Haha.  I have to agree with Lapidus when he says, “Weirdest funeral ever!”

Back in the jungle, Richard Alpert tries to warn Sawyer to stay away from Nu-Locke, but Sawyer ignores him.  Sawyer isn’t the only traveler to have to cope with an unwelcome visitor, however.  Locke keeps seeing a ghostly blonde boy in the jungle.  The boy approaches Locke and says, cryptically, “You can’t kill him.”

It is uncertain who this little boy is, or to whom exactly he is referring.  Is it Jacob (who Nu Locke seemingly already killed) or Sawyer?

Nu-Locke is apparently as confused by these remarks as we are . . . confused and pissed.  Angrily, he responds, “No one tells me what I can and can’t do!”  (And there’s that catch phrase again . . .)

When Nu-Locke informs Sawyer that the answer to his “Why You Are Here” riddle is at the bottom of a steep cliff overlooking the ocean, I start to think that the little boy was referring to Sawyer after all.  I instantly became very worried that Nu-Locke was about to take his “Can Do” Attitude to a whole new level of evil  by offing Sawyer (which would be awful, in my opinion, because Sawyer is way too hot to die).  Understandably, I was pleasantly surprised, and more than a bit relieved, when Nu-Locke rescued Sawyer, after the latter ran into some trouble climbing down the cliff. 

Once on the ground, safe and sound, Nu-Locke leads Sawyer into a tunnel adorned by a small scale with a white ball on one side and a black ball on the other.  Nu-Locke smiles cryptically before tossing the white ball into the ocean.  “Inside joke,” he explains to Sawyer, causing us Losties to recall Old Locke’s “Backgammon is Life” analogy from season 1.

Fitting isn’t it?  After all,  Jacob’s Nemesis/ Nu-Locke  is typically referred to as the “Man in Black.”

Once inside the tunnel, Nu-Locke shows Sawyer that it’s walls are filled with the crossed out names of former Island inhabitants.  However, SOME names have not yet been crossed out.  Nu-Locke explains that these names represent the “candidates” that Jacob manipulated to come to the Island and protect it.  Each name is accompanied by a number because “Jacob had a thing for numbers,” says Nu Locke.

Of course, the “numbers” that accompany the names are none other than those special numbers that have been plaguing Losties for six seasons.  Here are the names that weren’t crossed out and their accompanying numbers:

4-Locke (Nu-Locke crosses this one out himself – CAN DO, CAN DO!)

8-Reyes (Hurley)

15-Ford (Sawyer)

16-Jarrah (Sayid the Zombie)

23-Shephard (Jack)

42-Kwon (Jin?  or Sun?)

Noticeably absent from this list are Benjamin Linus, Miles Straume, and Kate Austen, all of whom are still very much present in the Lost universe.  I’m not sure whether this bodes well for any of them . . .

So, there you have it folks.  What did you think?  Will Sawyer join forces with the Mysterious Man in Black to get off the island?  Are Ben, Miles and Kate, long for the Lost world?  Will the Locke sitcom make it past its pilot episode? 

Tune in next week, where, undoubtedly, none of these questions will be answered, but a few more will be asked . . . Although, it is the last season, so maybe I’m wrong . . . I hope so!