So, Who’s on YOUR Celebrity Freebie List?

Last night, on HBO’s new critically acclaimed series, Treme . . .

 . . . two characters, currently in a romantic relationship with one another, were discussing the concept of “Monogamy with Exceptions.”

NO!  Not YOUR type of “exceptions!”  Nice try, Tiger!

The “exceptions” to which this couple was referring were “celebrity exceptions.”  Namely, the couple agreed that each of them could choose three famous individuals that, if given the opportunity, they could proposition for sex, without being considered to have “cheated” by the other person.  Their discussion was highly intriguing (for me, anyway).  And, while watching it, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER show, where a television couple entered into a similar sort of “agreement.”

(Click the internal link to view this fun clip from the Friends episode entitled “The One with Frank Jr.”)

So, obviously, this got me thinking about which five celebrities I would include on my “Freebie list.” (I decided on FIVE celebrities, like in the Friends version, as opposed to THREE, like in the Treme version, because . . . well . . . because I’m greedy, that’s why!)  Now, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whether you are a glass half-full or half-empty type person), I am currently single.  Thus, the creation of such a list for me is really a moot point.  After all, without a boyfriend to prevent me from doing so, I can sleep with ANY CELEBRITY I WANT!

Assuming they’d be willing to sleep with me . . .

Darn  . . . I forgot about that part . . .

However, I recognize that there may come a time, in the future, when I do have a significant other.  And said significant other may not, in fact, be willing to permit me to sleep with “any celebrity I want.” (MEANIE!)  Therefore, I realize that it might be wise for me to have my “freebie list” pre-prepared, and ready to be “whipped out,” at a moment’s notice.  And, I have to say, when it came down to creating my list, I had a lot more in common with Ross from Friends, than the characters from Treme.

Yeah, YOU!  Don’t look so excited . . .

Specifically, I had A LOT of trouble narrowing down my list to ONLY FIVE celebrities.  If you’ve visited this blog before, you know that (1) it is FILLED with pictures of shirtless celebrities; and, (2) I want to SLEEP WITH ALL OF THEM!

I decided I needed to have some guiding principle by which to narrow down my choices.  So, I excluded from my list any celebrity that was married, engaged, or in a serious long-standing relationship.  My rationale for doing this should be fairly obvious.  Basically, if I’m going to be limited to only FIVE “Get Out of Adultery Free” Cards, I’d really like to make them count.  And “making them count” requires that there be at least a small chance (no matter how infintesimal) that, were I actually to proposition my celebrities of choice, they would ACTUALLY SAY YES! 

 Granted, in this day in age, “marriage” and “monogamy,” in celebrity world, are not necessarily synonyous with one another.

 

And yet, those two terms are still synonyous in MY WORLD, even in the hypothetical context of this “list.”  Therefore, the following celebrities, each of whom would have LIKELY made this list, were excluded, do to their respective current relationship statuses:

Joshua Jackson

(Currently in a long-standing relationship with Diane Kruger)

John Krasinski

(Currently engaged to Emily Blunt)

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the above pic.  I am neither clever enough, nor sufficiently adept at Photoshop, to come up with something like this .  . .

Josh Holloway

(Currently married to Yessica Kumala)

And Matt Damon

(Currently married to Luciana Bozan Borroso)

I am happy to report that I have sufficiently narrowed down my choices, using the above-referenced principle.  Below are (in no particular order), the five male celebrities that comprise my Freebie List:

1) George Clooney

As far as I am concerned, any female who doesn’t put Clooney on their Freebie List is missing out on an EXCELLENT opportunity.  After all, I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t settling down any time soon.  (Would YOU?  If you were HIM?) Seriously, he is gorgeous, cut, majorly sexy, smart, and funny.  Plus, Mr. Clooney has been known to have a thing for younger ladies of the non-celebrity persuasion, JUST LIKE ME!  (OK . . . perhaps, a little bit hotter than me . . . but still . . .). 

2) Ian Somerhalder

Why Ian, you ask?  Just watch ONE episode of The Vampire Diaries, and you will know why this guy HAS to be on my list!  Better yet, check this out!

3) Ryan Kwanten

Why Ryan?  Did you LOOK at the above-picture?  If that hasn’t sold you, this fan-made video should do the trick (assuming you are a heterosexual female . . . and you have a pulse).

4) Bryan Greenberg

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I REALLY LIKE HIM.  There’s just something very relatable about him.  Maybe it’s his self-depracating charm, or the fact that he can SING, as well as act.  Or, perhaps, it’s the fact that, even though he is “all famous and stuff” now, he’s still not above posting quirky, refreshingly awkward, videos of himself on YouTube.

(I seriously want to reach through the screen and pinch those cheeks!)

5) Vincent Kartheiser

You’re all going to think I am REALLY bizarre for this.  But I have a thing for Pete Campbell on Mad Men!   A BIG ONE!  Yes, I know!  He’s smarmy, and self-centered, weasely, and a wee-bit square.  But . . . he’s just so . . . PETE!  I don’t know.  Maybe I just have a weakness for the bad boys.  But Pete showed some real vulnerability in Season 3 of Mad Men!  Plus, he has a real soft spot for Peggy.  Check out this video if you don’t believe me . . .

So . . . there you have it:  My Freebie List.  Who’s on YOURS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escape from Crazytown: A Recap of Big Love’s “Next Ticket Out”

 

Welcome back Big Lovers!  Can you believe the season finale is just one week away?  It seems like only yesterday we were driving around Utah, with Roman Grant’s frozen dead corpse in the back seat . . .

Ahhh, memories . . .

It has been a bit of an uneven season — one filled with some jaw-droppingly amazing moments (Margene’s romantic encounters with Ben, Dale’s tragic suicide, and Nikki’s heroic rescue of Cara Lynn), some truly bizarre moments (anything involving J.J.), and some teeth-clenchingly annoying moments (anything involving Marilyn, and the entire bird-smuggling / Mexico storyline – up until Hollis got his arm chopped off . . . that was cool). 

 Yes, it has definitely been a wild ride.  None of the Henricksons have had a particularly easy go of it this season.  Is it any wonder that this latest installment of Big Love focused on the theme of escape?  After all, who wouldn’t want to run away from this family of wack jobs?

Auf Wiedersehen, Sara!

“You are OUT!”

Near the end of Godfather III,  Michael Corleone utters the iconic line: “Everytime I think I’m out, they pull me back in!”  (The line was practically the only good thing about the film, which was a major disappointment, especially following the awesomeness that was the first two Godfather movies.)

I bring up the quote, because I imagine that this was how Sarah Henrickson felt, throughout most of the Big Love series.  Having been raised for most of her young life in a “normal” two-parent home, Sarah never really bought into the whole “polygamy” thing.  And I was always under the impression that her hasty  marriage to Scott was simply a way for her to distance herself from her family and their religious beliefs, permanently.

My suspicions were confirmed in the opening moments of this episode, when Sarah announced that she and Scott had put a downpayment on a home in Portland, Oregon.  The couple would be leaving Utah ASAP.  Now, I understand that this was somewhat of a plot contrivance, given that Amanda Seyfried wanted out of the show to pursue her burgeoning movie career.  However, I also happen to think that Sarah’s actions were consistent with the overall development of her character throughout the series.  And, I can’t help but be proud of my girl, Sarah,  for FINALLY escaping the utter craziness of the rest of her gene pool . . .

“Sayonara Suckers!”

Although the family initially balked at her decision,  the Henricksons ultimately came around to supporting Sarah.  Even Bill ultimately caved, arriving at Sarah’s home late at night, with a pizza pie and $5,000 as proverbial olive branches.   Sarah returned the favor, by publicly supporting her family during a television interview for the Senatorial campaign.  At the conclusion of the episode, the Henricksons gave Sarah an admittedly sweet parting gift, a quilt made from various family members’ attire and prized belongings.

Although I wasn’t particularly keen on her “baby napping” storyline this season, I must say that I overall enjoyed Sarah’s character during her run on Big Love.  Sarah was a relatable island of sanity amidst the show’s sea of craziness.  She will be missed . . .

Goodbye and Good Riddance, Marilyn . . . Oh, wait . . . You’re still here.

Last week, I compared Sissy Spacek’s devious and highly annoying lobbyist Marilyn to an itchy rash that just wouldn’t go away, no matter how much Benadryl you slathered on it.  This week, she proved herself to be exactly that.  When Barb comes clean to Bill about Marilyn’s double-crossing of the Casino, by hiring right-wing extremists to terrorize them, Bill immediately fires Marilyn’s ass.  I literally pumped my fist in the air in triumph.  Hurrah!  The Wicked Bitch of the West is finally gone!  I cheered.

And then . . . The Rash came back. (Boo!)  Marilyn popped up at Margene’s office, accusing the latter of having “an affair” with Bill.  (har de har, har)  When that didn’t work, she called Barb in the middle of the night to tell her about the affair.  The character’s motivations are becoming increasingly less clear as the season progresses.  I’m starting to think it all comes down to one thing:  BITCH IS CRAZY!

“I will not be ignored, HENRICKSONS.  And I will not leave, FANS, no matter how much you all want me to!”

When Barb doesn’t react to Marilyn’s claims that Bill is cheating on her, Marilyn puts two and two together and criticizes Barb for her unhealthy polygamist way of life.  At the conclusion of the episode, Tommy, who has been digging up dirt on Marilyn throughout the episode, informs Barb that Marilyn has waged a personal vendetta against the Henricksons, going as far as to stealing all of their personal financial information.   Someone’s not getting the bid for fourth wife anytime soon . . .

To Marry or Not To Marry, That is the Question

The Henricksons might NOT be getting a fourth wife this season.  However, it looks like a  second husband is definitely in the cards for them.  Initially, Bill refuses to condone Margene’s green card marriage.  Margene’s a part of this family, dammit!  And she’s going to have to give up her career, life, and happiness for Bill, just like everyone else!  When Margene assures him that the marriage is only a paper one, Bill asserts that a legal document now binds Margene to Goran.  Margene counters nicely, arguing that if legal documents are so important, than Bill’s marriage to Barb would be more real and binding than his marriage to Margene.

Later, Anna, who has oddly become the show’s moral compass (go figure), again calls Bill out on his hypocrisy.  When Bill whines that a woman can only have one husband, Anna laughs in his face.  “Do you even hear what you are saying?”  She inquires.  “You people are crazy!”

“I LIKE her . . .”

Bill’s tune rapidly changes when Marilyn threatens to expose the Henricksons as polygamists BEFORE the election.  Now Bill NEEDS Margene to marry Goran to reduce suspicion and keep the dogs at bay.  In a passive aggressive move that made me smile, Margene takes the liberty of inviting her new husband to the Henrickson home, arguing that doing so is necessary to make their marriage seem more believable.  Bill responds by getting into a classic pissing contest with Margene’s other husband, and knocking him violently in the head with a tether ball.

“Those homo sapiens . . . so unevolved.”

There’s such a thing as the Women’s Movement?  Who knew?

“Wake up and smell the new millenium, Barb!”

After being fired from the casino by Bill for putting Crazy Marilyn on the payroll, a frustrated Barb speaks to a group of local female voters about the challenges associated with being a woman in the 21st century – one who is expected to be perfect at all times.  She then makes an offhand comment about women solving their problems by becoming addicted to prescription medication. 

The statement backfires on Barb, when Bill’s senatorial opponent mischaracterizes it, asserting that Barb believes the woman of Utah to be a bunch of drug-addicted freaks.  Bill reprimands Barb, demanding that she retract her statement, regardless of its original harmless intent.  A distraught and newly unemployed Barb seeks solace from Tommy, who offers her a few words of encouragement and the steamiest hug I have ever seen!  Can these two hook up already?  Please!

“Stick with me, babe, and the only PILL you’re going to need is birth control!”

At the conclusion of the episode, Bill redeems himself a bit by sticking up for Barb on national television regarding her statements about prescription drugs.  Too little, too late, as far as I am concerned . . .

Nikki Loves Bill!  Alert the Media!

One of my favorite storylines this season has been the evolution of Nikki Grant from a shallow, immature, self-centered Daddy’s girl, and devout polygamist, to a sympathetic, caring, and strong woman coming to terms with the shortcomings of both her family and her religion.  Sure, she has had some missteps along the way.  Like, for instance, there was that time when she dressed like this . . .

However, ultimately, it has been rewarding to watch Nikki come into her own this season.  In the opening scene of this episode, Nikki appears at the family dinner in a modern and stylish, if slightly revealing, dress.  She continues her fashion-forward trend later that evening, coming to Bill’s bed dressed in sexy lingerie.  It is there that she comes clean to Bill about her difficulties conceiving a child and her visits with a “fertility specialist”  a.k.a. J.J.’s creepy son.

When Barb accidentally spills the beans to Nikki about Joey killing her father, Nikki rushes to Joey’s home to confront him.  However, instead of lashing out in anger, as the old Nikki was wont to do, Nikki finds herself immediately concerned for the safety of Joey’s fragile and  unstable wife, Wanda, who is nearly catatonic when Nikki finds her.  Just as she did with Cara Lynn a few episodes back, Nikki gallantly rescues Wanda from the compound.

“Think Bill will like my new outfit?”

Clearly in the rescuing mood, Nikki makes a pitstop at her brother Albie’s home.  As a result of Dale’s suicide and the resulting investigation into the latter’s finances, by the UEB, Albie appears to be having some type of nervous breakdown.  He is sweaty and shaking.  He keeps having hallucinations involving his father.  And he has become (gasp) a bad dancer!  Albie is bopping around his home to 80s music, when Nikki arrives.  (What is it with the Grants and the 80s?)

“What?  Those were good times!”

(BTW: Albie’s wife, the traitorous Laura, announces Nikki’s arrival.  Based on his interaction with her, it appears that Albie has not, in fact, put two and two together, regarding her role in Dale’s demise.  It seems unlike Albie to be so dense.  Is it possible that he DOES know and is merely waiting for the right moment to seek revenge?  I am intrigued to see how this will all play out. . . )

Nikki offers to go away somewhere with Albie, so that he can escape the toxic atmosphere of the compound.  Unfortunately, Crazed Albie is not exactly in the vacationing mood.  He violently pushes Nikki away, harshly ridiculing her new wardrobe and lifestyle.

Later, Nikki again confides in Bill that, after all these years of marriage, she has finally come to love him.  Compound living had taught her not to love, but only to obey.  Now, that Nikki truly loves Bill, she no longer wants to share him with Barb and Margene . . .

“It looks like monogamy is coming to get you, Mr. Bill.  Be afraid, be very afraid.”

The Devil You Know Versus The One You Don’t

In other Grant news, Nikki’s mom, Adaleen, has just learned that J.J. is crazy.  (Shocker!)  But not just your garden variety crazy, so crazy that ROMAN didn’t want J.J. around J.J. ‘s OWN daughter!  Apparently, prior to his death, Roman did, in fact, sign off on young Cara Lynn’s “sealing” to the dirty old man from a few episodes prior. 

However, as it turns out, Roman did so, not to seek vengeance against Nikki, as we once thought, but to rescue Cara Lynn from J.J.!   Now, when Roman Grant thinks your an evil nutjob, you KNOW things are bad .  .  .  I have a feeling this J.J. storyline is going to come to head next week in a major way!

That’s a wrap Big Lovers! Tune in next week for the grand finale, where, HOPEFULLY, Barb and Tommy will hook up, and we will FINALLY see the last of that pain in the ass, Marilyn . . .

Oh no, Mr. Bill (Henrickson)!: A Recap of Big Love’s “Blood Atonement”

OHHHH NOOO!  Things aren’t going so well for the Henrickson clan!  But, hey, at least they have all their limbs in tact, which is more than I can say for SOME people on this show. . .

When I think back on this week’s installment of “Big Love,” the first word that comes to mind is “bizarro.”  In fact, if there was a camera on me while I was watching “Blood Atonement,” I probably would have looked a lot like this . . .

Yeah, I’m a monkey.  Got a problem with that?

But if I HAD to pick a theme for this episode, it would probably be “family”  — more specifically, the lengths a person will go to

save it . . .

seek vengeance on its behalf . . .

or prevent it from running her mildly successful jewelry business into the ground, by outing her as a polygamist.

So, without further adieu, let’s check in with our favorite family to find out who got married, who got knocked up,  who almost got blown up, who has an “unhappy uterus,” and who is no longer capable of clapping . . .

Oh Baby!

Apparently, Nikki will not be having one of these any time soon . . . but someone else will.

For some time now, our favorite second wife, Nikki Grant, has been receiving pressure from her sister wives to conceive.  At first, Nikki was hell bent against it, even going as far as to sneak birth control pills behind Bill’s back.  Now, however, Nikki is suddenly desperate to conceive.  Unfortunately, Heavenly Father has other ideas.   

Nikki’s doctor informs her that, having reached the ripe old age of 30ish, she has suddenly developed  . . .

 . . . an unhappy uterus (thus proving you can find ANYTHING in Google Images).

Speaking of uteruses (uteri?), you know who has the most cheerful uterus in the world?  Nikki’s Mommy, Adaleen, of course!  Given that she has a 30ish daughter, I’m guessing Adaleen is probably somewhere in her 50’s, just a wee bit past prime child-birthing age.  And yet, lo and behold, she is pregnant.  It’s a MIRACLE! 

Or is it?  J.J. was acting very strangely when discussing Adaleen’s pregnancy with his sister.  Plus, I didn’t trust that baby-faced “family doctor” to whom J.J. sent Adaleen (Nikki visited him later for help with her own infertility woes) as far as I could throw him.  

It may be too soon to tell what the heck is going on here.  However, my guess is that J.J. paid off that squirmy doc to inseminate Adaleen, in some strange and complicated ploy to either screw with Nikki or somehow become Prophet.  That being said, I am more than a bit worried for Nikki right now.  With J.J. watching her every move, an  “Unhappy Uterus” is  the least of her problems . . .

Holy Nuptials!

In other pregnancy news, erstwhile fourth wife Anna still has a bun in the oven, and Barb is still trying to get her holier-than-thou mitts on it.  “The Crazy Lady wants me to drink the Kool Aid again,” explains Anna in Russian to her vaguely attractive, but kind of dirty- looking fiancé, when Barb barges into the couple’s home for what feels like the 20,000th time this season, and begs Anna to reconsider her decision.

Anna explains that her fiancé, who is studying to become a doctor (yeah because this guy has PROFESSIONAL written all over him . . . PROFESSIONAL HITMAN), is in danger of being deported.  Therefore, the two of them must leave the country ASAP.  Seeing the writing on the wall for her jewelry business, should Bill win the Senatorial election and out the entire family as polygamists, Margene comes up with a thoughtful, if not entirely altruistic, solution. 

SHE will marry Anna’s fiancé!  This way, he and Anna will get to stay in the country!  Anna’s fiancé can become the doctor he always dreamed of being!  (Ha ha)  Bill and Barb can get to screw up yet another child!  And, most importantly, Margene can continue selling cheap bracelets on the Home Shopping Network!  EVERYBODY WINS !

Except, I’m not sure Barb would agree.  Then again, she has her own crap to deal with — or, as they say in the casino world . . .

Oh Craps!

Remember last week, when I warned Barb to beware of evil little women bearing sweet gifts?

She didn’t listen.  Back at the casino, Barb and Tommy (I hate to say it, but these two are actually really hot together and they haven’t even kissed yet) have their hands full with a right-wing extremist group that is loudly boycotting the casino.  Unfortunately, now that they actually need her, their high- priced media whore publicist, Marilyn, is no where to be found.  Things really get out of hand when the casino receives a bomb threat and has to be evacuated.

In an effort to reach some sort of compromise, Barb contacts the head of the extremist group, while the latter is on business in Scotland.  However, the Right Wing Nut Job denies playing any role in the bomb fiasco, and refuses to help.  When Barb learns that Marilyn is also in Scotland, she puts two and two together, and figures out that Marilyn is in cohoots with the Right Wing Nut Job. 

Her and Tommy have been set up!  Marilyn is EVIL!  I’m SHOCKED!  (NOT!)

Aye Chihuahua!

“We’re not in Utah anymore, Tito.”

While Barb is busy mucking things up at the casino, Bill and Joey are traveling down to Mexico to rescue Ma and Pa Looney Tunes and Bill’s oldest son, Ben, from that dastardly polygamist, Hollis Green and his wife, who reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite place her . . .

Oh yeah, that’s the one!

Anyway, Ma, Pa, Ben, and Pa’s other wife, Jodeen, are holed up in Green’s Mexican compound awaiting “trial,” while Bill and Brother Joey try to come up with a plan.  Joey, still peeved at the Greens for their role in his almost-wife Cathy’s death, literally wants to go in with guns blazing.  (He found Pa’s stash in the trunk of his car.  Apparently, Ma and Pa Looney Tunes were not ONLY smuggling birds across state lines, but weapons too)  Bill, however, has other ideas . . .

Leaving a very angry Joey behind, Bill sneaks onto the compound and almost manages to escape with his brood, when Hollis and his wife catch them.  Hollis deems the escape the ultimate betrayal, and wishes to execute Ma, Pa, Ben, and Jodeen ASAP.  In an odd moment of self-sacrifice, the typically self-absorbed Bill offers to give his own life for that of his family.  Just when it looks as though Hollis is about to . .  .

 . . . his arm falls off .  . . no really, it does.  Ma Henrickson may be a bad parent; she may be really lousy at bird smuggling, but, apparently, she has a unique talent for swordplay.  The now One-Armed Hollis crumples to the floor, and Pat Mrs. Green truly appears anguished over her husband’s agony.

Bill explains to Mrs. Green that her husband should be able to live, and may even be able to salvage his arm, but only if she gets him to a doctor ASAP.  That means setting the Henricksons free.  Fortunately, Mrs. Green chooses her husband, because I REALLY couldn’t take another Mexico-based episode of this show . . .

So, what did you think?  Were you  getting as sick of Mexico as I was?  Will Hollis be able to reattach his arm?  And what the heck is the deal with Preggers Adaleen?