Happily Ever Asshole – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Shattered Sight”

Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.

The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)

Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!

No pressure, right?

So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

The Wishy Washy Wishing Star – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Fall”

Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.

It has snappy one liners . . .

Hot people tearfully kissing . . .

Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .

And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .

Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.

Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.

But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.

I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

To Thine Own Self Be True – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Smash the Mirror”

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius said these iconic words to his son Laertes on the eve of the latter’s trip to Paris to warn him not to go slutting it up with the local Parisian lassies while on holiday. He could be a bit uptight sometimes, that Polonius.

Nowadays, these words are commonly evoked to mean something a bit less . . . celibate. They are about self-acceptance, self-love, self-understanding, and all that other mushy gushy “self” stuff. They are about embracing your flaws and weaknesses with as much passion as you do your strengths and gifts. These words are Dr. Phil: Twitter Edition, basically.

Coincidentally, this famous phrase also just so happens to be the theme of this week’s Super-Sized Edition of Once Upon a Time. Love yourself . . .

. . . even if you have a habit of shooting firebolts out of you fingertips, which occasionally turn your son into a human rocket launcher . . .

. . . or you have a really bad snow dandruff problem, and only own one smelly dress . . .

. . .or if you have the worst haircut in the history of bad haircuts . . .

. . . or you are an Evil Queen with a penchant for boning married dudes in mausoleums . . .

. . . or you’re a popsicle . . .

“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”

. . . or you have a delusion that two women who look and are young enough to be your daughters are actually your “sisters” . . .

Love yourself, in spite of all these things, or better yet, because of them.

Because, if you don’t, you can be sure as hell that nobody else will . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To check out the rest of this jumbo-sized, snarktastic recap, click here.

A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Breaking Glass”

“Use distorted mirrors . . . because plastic surgery is for p*ssies.”

Did you hear the one about the sassy, sarcastic, blonde teen with trust issues, and her best friend Lily, who tragically kept secrets that ended up prematurely ending their friendship?

No? Me neither  . . .

This entirely new and original premise, which featured soooo much lesbian sexual tension between two presumably heterosexual teens that I thought I had accidentally switched channels and started watching LOGO, formed the basis for this week’s Very Special Life Lesson Masquerading as Flashback on Once Upon a Time.

(It also made me crave a crossover episode of Once and Veronica Mars, during which Young Emma and Veronica casually debate the merits of leather versus denim jackets, and Captain Hook and Logan take the old yacht for a spin, get totally wasted on rum, and proceed to spend the next seven or so hours practicing their broody-but-sensitive longing looks at an unseen camera.)

Hey, it could happen!

Meanwhile, back in the present day, Emma and Regina ironed out their differences by generously sharing in heaping helpings of one another’s “Glorious Finger Magic.”

“Woo, I’m going to need to smoke a cigarette after this!”

Hook and Charming each got the opportunity to do a little Dr. Phil-ing on their lady loves . . .

Elsa learned that handcuffs can, in fact, be recreational .  . .

Fifty Shades of Frozen

And Regina got royally screwed by a piece of Glass . . . but not in a good way.

Let’s review, shall we?

[You can check out the rest of this recap here.]

Maid Marion Gets a Cold – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Rocky Road”

“Hey, anyone got a tissue?  Or an ice scraper?”

What does it take to gain your trust?  Are you someone who is easily won over?  All it takes is a pretty face, a warm smile or a few moments of bonding over a sweet treat, and you are already convinced you’ve met a friend for life.

Do you tend to give people the “benefit of the doubt,” and view them in the best light possible, until they prove to be otherwise?

Or perhaps you are a bit more discerning in the people with whom you choose to share your secrets?  You often find yourself skeptical of the motives of others.  You play your cards close to your chest.  Those who don’t know you well may even call you aloof, standoffish, or, dare I say . . . frosty .  . .

Though one could argue that the theme of every episode so far of Season 4 of Once has been “how to milk the Frozen franchise for all its worth,” I would argue that this particular episode . . .

  .  . . had that theme too . . .

 . . . but it was also about “Trust.”

For people like Elsa and Emma, who have been hurt and mistreated in their past, it is difficult to open up and trust others .  . .

For people like Regina, Rumpelstiltskin and Will Scarlet, who have been stereotyped and marginalized for their past deeds, it is difficult to regain the trust of the people who may have already written them off.

And for people like the Snow Queen, this general lack of trust amongst the good people of Storybrooke proves to be a fertile playground for manipulation, control, and all sorts of other activities that tend to frequent the To Do Lists of every self-respecting Big Bad.

Let’s review, shall we?

Actually, before we begin . . .

A Little Background on The Snow Queen

What’s fun about Once Upon a Time, is that most of the fairytale characters we meet here are fairly recognizable to pretty much anyone who has ever read a fairytale or  . .  . more likely . . . seen a Disney movie based on a Fairytale.  Most of us grew up knowing at least the basic stories of Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Little Red Riding Hood.

But Once seems to have waded a bit deeper into the Fairytale Pool for The Snow Queen, a story that probably didn’t make a lot of your first grade teachers’ Must Read list . .  . basically because its super dark, and a little gross . . .

You see, The Snow Queen’s modus operandi was basically to shove broken pieces of glass mirrors into people’s eyes (ouch!) and distort their vision of the world.  She’d make them hate everything and mistrust everyone except for . . . wait for it . . . The Snow Queen herself.

“Up top!”

This was a step-by-step process. First she’d make her victims act like total douchebags to all their friends.  Then, when they had no friends left, she’d have them come live with her.  Then she’d make out with them (even if they happened to be little prepubescent boys . . . ewwwww), causing them to not only mistrust and hate their former friends, but to forget their existence entirely.

In short, The Snow Queen was the “If I can’t have you, no one can,” abusive boyfriend / mistress in every Lifetime Movie you ever saw . . .

A burner of bunnies . . . among other things.

So, with that in mind . . .

(You can read the rest of my recap for Once Upon a Time’s Rocky Road here . . .)

Under the Snow Globe – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “White Out”

“You get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman . . . and you get a snowman. You ALL GET SNOWMEN!”

Another week, another snow-themed Once episode . . . this show is starting to wreak some major havoc on my Seasonal Affective Disorder . . .

This week, the residents of Storybrooke find themselves trapped inside their small community which I’m pretty sure The Curse prevents them from actually leaving anyway, not to mention freezing their magically delicious tushies off, when a vengeful Elsa encases them inside a town-wide wall of ice.  Elsa is bargaining that this oh-so-clever hostage-taking maneuver will force the fairytale characters to give up the goods on where her perky ginger little sister is hiding . . .

Clearly, this Frozen princess has been spending her free time in Arendelle watching non-Disney approved shows on that Other Network of Which We Dare Not Speak Its Name . . .

For shame, Elsa! For shame!

Meanwhile, over in Fairytale Land, Prince Charming sports a hideous perm . . .

Thus proving, once and for all that, contrary to popular belief, (1) Fairytale characters are not immune to having Bad Hair Days; and (2) sometimes those Bad Hair Days have the unintended effect of making them look like chorus members from the Broadway Revival of Rock of Ages . . .

Also, this week on Once, Snow White learned how to change a light bulb . . .

Emma and Hook got one step closer to their much awaited THIRD DATE . . .

Henry got one step closer to no longer being able to hide that he’s going through puberty. . .

“I used to hide a book of fairytales under my mattress. Now, it’s an iPad and internet porn . . . lots and lots of internet porn.”

And Little Bo Peep showed the world that the darkest of warlords are the ones that wear the poofiest skirts and the biggest bloomers . . .possibly to protect against Little Bo Poops . . .

 

Let’s review, shall we?

You can read the rest of my recap of Season 4, Episode 2 of OUAT here .  . .