Oscars 2012 – Who SHOULD Co-Host? (Five Suggestions)

(It occurred to me, while I was doing research for this post — which, mind you, I had been planning to write since LAST NIGHT — that everybody and their mother already beat me to this idea.  There go my delusions of “originality!  But, am I going to let that stop me from reinventing the wheel?  HECK NO!)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock this past week, you are probably already aware of the following: (1) the 83rd Annual Academy Awards aired this past Sunday; (2) Anne Hathaway and James Franco co-hosted the show; (3) for their efforts, they received HORRIBLE  humiliatingly bad  resoundingly negative  not very good mixed reviews.

ANNE:  “Lay off, OK?!  It wasn’t my fault!  James was stoned off his ass, and sleeping backstage, the ENTIRE TIME!  You think I kept saying ‘WOOOOOHOOO!’ for every presenter, because I’m just some a dorky fangirl, who can’t keep her sh*t together?  NO!  I was trying to WAKE THAT MOTHERF&*KER UP!”

JAMES: “Yo, Anne could you quiet down!  I can’t concentrate on my tweeting, with you yelling like that . . .That and I’m SERIOUSLY hungover!”

While the execution may have been flawed, I still believe that the Academy’s idea of choosing two fresh, yet familiar, faces to host the year’s most prestigious award show this year, was an inspired one.  For this reason, I have tasked myself with coming up with five celebrity pairings, each of whom, I believe, would be well-suited for the admittedly formidable challenge of Oscar Hosting.  So, without further adieu, here are my selections (in no particular order):

(1) Sandra Bullock and Robert Downey Jr.

Americans love a good survival story.  And there are no two bigger survivors in Hollywood than Sandra Bullock and Robert Downey Jr.  She endured a painful divorce from a TOTAL wanker (who cheated on her with some tatted-up Nazi skank uggo) won an Oscar, and adopted a baby boy, all in the SAME YEAR!  He battled drug and alcohol addiction throughout the first thirty or so years of his life.  He then spent four years rotating in and out of jail on drug charges, only to become clean in 2001.  Since then, Robert Downey Jr.’s career experienced a remarkable resurgence – one which made available to him a treasure trove of roles any actor would sell their soul for.

But none of this would matter, if Sandra and Robert weren’t the kind of people we could stand to watch on television for three hours straight, without getting nauseous.  Fortunately, both celebrities possess inherent charm, poise, intelligence, dry wit, and my personal favorite, matching self-depracating senses of humor.  All of the aforementioned qualities, in my opinion are ESSENTIAL for a good Oscar host.  But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself!

Did I mention Robert Downey Jr. looks wicked HOT in a tux? 😉

(2) George Clooney and Matt Damon

Nobody does Hollywood Royalty, like George Clooney and Matt Damon.  Having starred in four movies together, and having endured countless hours of interviews and press junkets, sitting side-by-side with one another, these two seriously sexy men, have a bromance that is simply unparallelled in the movie industry (well . . . except for, perhaps, the bromance between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck).   

Everybody loves Matt and George.  And they love eachother.  The wry barbs, adorable smirks, witty banter, and mild to moderately homoerotic ass slaps that would inevitably result, if these two were to host the Oscars together, would certainly be worth enduring a few lame acceptance speeches and stale musical performances for, right?

Oh, and if they could do a reprise of the “I’m F*&king Matt Damon” song, so much the better.  (I’m sure the censors would just LOVE that!)

(3) Tina Fey and Jon Hamm

To succeed as an Oscar host, it is not enough to simply be likeable, or funny, or charming, you also have to have good material.  And solid material requires GOOD WRITING.  So, what better person to host the Oscars than one of the best comedic writers in the industry?  Having spent years, writing for Saturday Night Live, and now 30 Rock, Tina Fey definitely has what it takes to write a solid Oscar monologue.  Plus, her stand-up comedic experience has made her a whiz at ad-libbing.  Of course, this is a crucial skill to have on Oscar night, when the teleprompter goes down, or the microphone stops working, or Melissa Leo drops the F-bomb . . .

As for Jon Hamm,  well the man is gorgeous, for one thing . . . and surprisingly modest, especially considering just how gorgeous he is.  Jon is also a real stand-up guy — one who’s not afraid to be goofy, or make a bit of an ass of himself.  He even knows how to DANCE (sort of).    Being able to boogie certainly can’t hurt, especially if you are an Oscar host saddled with a ridiculously cheesy musical number . . .

Hamm demonstrated both his comedic timing, and his chemistry with Tina Fey, during the actor’s guest stint on 30 Rock.  But it is the couple’s adorable debut as 2009 Emmy Presenters that really convinces me that these two have what it takes to be amazing 2012 Oscar hosts.

(4) Nathan Lane and Jane Lynch

The Oscars are nothing if not theatrical.  And my next two celebrities have theatricality up to their expertly plucked eyebrows!  Nathan Lane is comedic actor, who got his start on Broadway, and has brought his larger-than-life persona and musical talents to films ranging from The Bird Cage to The Lion King to The Producers.  You can’t help but laugh, everytime Nathan Lane is working his magic on the stage or screen.  He also looks pretty amazing in drag . . . which is a HUGE PLUS, during the Awards season.

Jane Lynch has also had a long-standing comedic film career that began on the stage.  Of course, now, we know her best as the prickly and unabashedly evil cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester, on Glee.  Can you just imagine all the delightfully evil barbs targeted against Hollywood’s A-listers, Jane could get away with at the Oscars, if they were spoken in the context of an “As Sue Sees It” News Broadcast?

(Oh, and if Nathan and Jane could, at some point, during the ceremony belt out a duet to my favorite Disney tune “Hakuna Matata,” I would be a VERY HAPPY CAMPER!)

(5) Rico Rodriguez and Sofia Vergara

You want YOUNG Oscars, Academy?  Well, it doesn’t get much younger than Rico Rodriguez!  This pint-sized tot from Modern Family has already earned his stripes, both hosting Red Carpet Events, and tackling press junkets and interviews like a champ. 

See what I mean?  Dude brings the funny!  And he brings it HARD!  Book him NOW, before puberty hits!

It should be noted that Rico has fantastic chemistry with his TV mommy — the smokin sexy, Sofia Vergara.  Vergara’s sassy sensibility and adorable accent make absolutely everything she says hilarious.  Case in point:

Oscar telecasts, as we all know, have a tendency to get a bit long and dry, particularly during their final hours.   What better way to spice things up a bit, than with a little sultry Latin Flavor?

And, hey, even if things DON’T go well for these two as hosts, you could probably get at least an hour’s worth of material out of jokes about Rico’s age and height, and one about Sofia’s accent and bountiful . . . busom.  You can’t say that about Steve Martin or Billy Crystal!

So, there you have it, my top five picks to host the 2012 Oscars.  What are YOURS?

[www.juliekushner.com]

So, Who’s on YOUR Celebrity Freebie List?

Last night, on HBO’s new critically acclaimed series, Treme . . .

 . . . two characters, currently in a romantic relationship with one another, were discussing the concept of “Monogamy with Exceptions.”

NO!  Not YOUR type of “exceptions!”  Nice try, Tiger!

The “exceptions” to which this couple was referring were “celebrity exceptions.”  Namely, the couple agreed that each of them could choose three famous individuals that, if given the opportunity, they could proposition for sex, without being considered to have “cheated” by the other person.  Their discussion was highly intriguing (for me, anyway).  And, while watching it, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER show, where a television couple entered into a similar sort of “agreement.”

(Click the internal link to view this fun clip from the Friends episode entitled “The One with Frank Jr.”)

So, obviously, this got me thinking about which five celebrities I would include on my “Freebie list.” (I decided on FIVE celebrities, like in the Friends version, as opposed to THREE, like in the Treme version, because . . . well . . . because I’m greedy, that’s why!)  Now, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whether you are a glass half-full or half-empty type person), I am currently single.  Thus, the creation of such a list for me is really a moot point.  After all, without a boyfriend to prevent me from doing so, I can sleep with ANY CELEBRITY I WANT!

Assuming they’d be willing to sleep with me . . .

Darn  . . . I forgot about that part . . .

However, I recognize that there may come a time, in the future, when I do have a significant other.  And said significant other may not, in fact, be willing to permit me to sleep with “any celebrity I want.” (MEANIE!)  Therefore, I realize that it might be wise for me to have my “freebie list” pre-prepared, and ready to be “whipped out,” at a moment’s notice.  And, I have to say, when it came down to creating my list, I had a lot more in common with Ross from Friends, than the characters from Treme.

Yeah, YOU!  Don’t look so excited . . .

Specifically, I had A LOT of trouble narrowing down my list to ONLY FIVE celebrities.  If you’ve visited this blog before, you know that (1) it is FILLED with pictures of shirtless celebrities; and, (2) I want to SLEEP WITH ALL OF THEM!

I decided I needed to have some guiding principle by which to narrow down my choices.  So, I excluded from my list any celebrity that was married, engaged, or in a serious long-standing relationship.  My rationale for doing this should be fairly obvious.  Basically, if I’m going to be limited to only FIVE “Get Out of Adultery Free” Cards, I’d really like to make them count.  And “making them count” requires that there be at least a small chance (no matter how infintesimal) that, were I actually to proposition my celebrities of choice, they would ACTUALLY SAY YES! 

 Granted, in this day in age, “marriage” and “monogamy,” in celebrity world, are not necessarily synonyous with one another.

 

And yet, those two terms are still synonyous in MY WORLD, even in the hypothetical context of this “list.”  Therefore, the following celebrities, each of whom would have LIKELY made this list, were excluded, do to their respective current relationship statuses:

Joshua Jackson

(Currently in a long-standing relationship with Diane Kruger)

John Krasinski

(Currently engaged to Emily Blunt)

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the above pic.  I am neither clever enough, nor sufficiently adept at Photoshop, to come up with something like this .  . .

Josh Holloway

(Currently married to Yessica Kumala)

And Matt Damon

(Currently married to Luciana Bozan Borroso)

I am happy to report that I have sufficiently narrowed down my choices, using the above-referenced principle.  Below are (in no particular order), the five male celebrities that comprise my Freebie List:

1) George Clooney

As far as I am concerned, any female who doesn’t put Clooney on their Freebie List is missing out on an EXCELLENT opportunity.  After all, I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t settling down any time soon.  (Would YOU?  If you were HIM?) Seriously, he is gorgeous, cut, majorly sexy, smart, and funny.  Plus, Mr. Clooney has been known to have a thing for younger ladies of the non-celebrity persuasion, JUST LIKE ME!  (OK . . . perhaps, a little bit hotter than me . . . but still . . .). 

2) Ian Somerhalder

Why Ian, you ask?  Just watch ONE episode of The Vampire Diaries, and you will know why this guy HAS to be on my list!  Better yet, check this out!

3) Ryan Kwanten

Why Ryan?  Did you LOOK at the above-picture?  If that hasn’t sold you, this fan-made video should do the trick (assuming you are a heterosexual female . . . and you have a pulse).

4) Bryan Greenberg

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I REALLY LIKE HIM.  There’s just something very relatable about him.  Maybe it’s his self-depracating charm, or the fact that he can SING, as well as act.  Or, perhaps, it’s the fact that, even though he is “all famous and stuff” now, he’s still not above posting quirky, refreshingly awkward, videos of himself on YouTube.

(I seriously want to reach through the screen and pinch those cheeks!)

5) Vincent Kartheiser

You’re all going to think I am REALLY bizarre for this.  But I have a thing for Pete Campbell on Mad Men!   A BIG ONE!  Yes, I know!  He’s smarmy, and self-centered, weasely, and a wee-bit square.  But . . . he’s just so . . . PETE!  I don’t know.  Maybe I just have a weakness for the bad boys.  But Pete showed some real vulnerability in Season 3 of Mad Men!  Plus, he has a real soft spot for Peggy.  Check out this video if you don’t believe me . . .

So . . . there you have it:  My Freebie List.  Who’s on YOURS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Many Faces (and Bodies) of Matt Damon . . .

Not only does Matt Damon star in my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ALL TIME . . .

 . . . he’s also one of the most versatile actors out there!  The guy’s played everything from a prejudiced high school D-Bag, to a sociopath, to a certified genius, to a kick ass fighting machine, to an Angel of Death, to THIS GUY . . .

And let’s not forget his Oscar-worthy performance as a “differently-abled” puppet in the “riveting” Team America: World Police.

(OK . . . that wasn’t really him.  But it was pretty darn amusing, nonetheless .  . .)

Let’s take a look at his BODY of work, shall we?

School Ties (1992)

Although his first official role was in the 1988 coming of age tale Mystic Pizza, starring a young Julia Roberts (His SOLE job in the film was to say “MOM, do you want my green stuff?” while eating a lobster), Matt Damon wasn’t truly able to demonstrate his acting chops until four years later.  In 1992, he was cast as the conniving, weasely, generally D-baggy, prejudiced preppy cheater, Charlie Dillon, opposite Brendan Fraser in the film School Ties.  The film was about a Jewish boy (Fraser) who enrolled in a stuffy Catholic New England prep school on a football scholarship.  And while we all HATED Charlie for the senseless torture he inflicted on Fraser’s character, we grudgingly had to admit that the dude looked pretty damn fine without his shirt on . . .

Courage Under Fire (1996)

The only movie poster in this tribute that doesn’t ACTUALLY feature Matt Damon on it.  Damn you, Poopyhead Movie Poster Maker!

Damon lost 40 POUNDS (almost an entire Olsen twin!) for his role as the opiate-addicted Gulf War soldier, Specialist Ilario.  The transition between his buff bod in School Ties and his frighteningly thin physique in this film was truly shocking.

Watching this, I was truly conflicted.  I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to give Damon an Oscar for his heartwrenching performance, or buy him a pizza . . .

Good Will Hunting (1997)

My absolute FAVORITE Matt Damon performance remains his dramatic turn as the titular Will Hunting, a Bostonian custodian working at Harvard, who just so happens to be a genius.  Matt’s take on Hunting was at times hilarious (“You like apples?  I got her number!  How do ya like them apples?) . . .

 . . . and, at other times, poignant.  I cried like a baby during some of those Robin Williams therapy scenes.  (And it wasn’t just because William’s insanely hairy arms freaked me out, which they DO, by the way).  But what impressed me most about this film, was that Matt Damon not only starred in it, he also wrote the screenplay (which went on to win an Oscar), along with BFF Ben Affleck.  The screenplay was based on a short story Damon had penned while he was a student at Harvard.

Hot AND Smart (Me Likey!)

And while I am QUITE certain Matt Damon was shirtless at some point during Good Will Hunting (him and Minnie Driver got it on quite a bit in that film), a picture of said shirtlessness, doesn’t seem to appear in Google Images.  Grrrr . . .

The Rainmaker (1997)

That same year, Damon starred, alongside the diminutive, but always adorable, Danny Devito, in the film adaptation of a popular Grisham novel, about an idealistic young lawyer who took on a big bad corporation and won. (Wait.  Isn’t that what every Grisham novel is about?)  Lack of originality aside, The Rainmaker, thanks largely to Damon’s inherent likeability, was actually a pretty good film.  But it would have been MUCH better, if Damon’s character didn’t stay dressed THE WHOLE TIME!

Rounders (1998)

In Rounders, Damon and Ed Norton played two hardcore gamblers, addicted to the seductive world of underground poker.  (The film just so happened to be made a year prior to Norton’s SPECTACULAR performance in Primal Fear.  If you haven’t seen it yet, rent it NOW!)  Again, I DISTINCTLY remember some naked Matt Damon scenes in this film.  And AGAIN, my internet search came up empty.  What’s the deal, Google Images?

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

That same year, Damon played the titular Private Ryan, a World War II soldier, who THE ENTIRE CAST spent THE ENTIRE FILM trying to save.  Wouldn’t you?

Honestly, I’m not even going to bitch about the lack of skin in this film.  Because, even a Shirtless Connoisseur like myself can agree that the battlefield is no place for public nudity.  Except, of course, if it’s the Battlefield of LOVE!

The Talented Mr. Ripley

In this psychological thriller, Damon once again plays the titular character, a young sociopath con artist who becomes obsessed with inhabiting the life of Jude Law’s character, Dickie Greenleaf (now THAT is a porn name, if I ever heard one).  And you know what?  Matt is shirtless in this film A LOT!  But to be honest, things start out a bit .  . . unimpressive.

Banana Hammock, anyone?

Fortunately for us (but unfortunately for Dickie, who Damon’s character promptly murders), as Mr. Ripley becomes further and further enmeshed in Greenleaf’s life, his “body of work” vastly improves . . .

Ahhhh, much better!

Dogma (1999)

In Kevin Smith’s dark comedy, Dogma, Matt played Loki, and Angel of Death eager to get back in the good graces of the Man Upstairs, after having literally fallen from Heaven.  At first, the pop culture spewing character was kind of likeable, and then he wasn’t (dude just kept killing people), and then he sort of was again, and then Ben Affleck’s character killed him.  Truthfully, there wasn’t a lot of skin in Dogma (Matt Damon’s skin, anyway).  However, he did show fans a lot of wing!  (And that’s gotta count for something.)

Oceans Eleven (2001) [and 12 . . . and 13 .  . .]

Damon held his own as a professional pickpocket in this casino heist caper that will always go down in history for me as having the HOTTEST MALE cast of all time!

Knowing a cash cow when they saw one, the producers of Oceans Eleven (which was a pretty awesome film, by the way), got this group of eyecandy back together for not one, but TWO more sequels!  (It’s just too bad, I have to watch both of them on mute, because their scripts were AWFUL!)  And again, Matt Damon . . .  fully clothed the whole time.  WHY?

The Bourne Identity (2002) [and The Bourne Supremacy, AND The Bourne Ultimatum]

To many, Matt Damon initially seemed an unlikely choice to play Jason Bourne — a fictional character from the Robert Ludlum book series, about a man programmed by (the government?) to be a ruthless killing machine.  But those “many” were proved wrong, in 2002, when The Bourne Identity hit theaters.  Damon’s Bourne was the ultimate action hero!  Unlike his other, typically verbose, characters, Bourne was the strong and silent type.  He  kicked ass first, and took names later!  Like Oceans, the Bourne franchise continued with TWO sequels, with another rumored to be on the way.

 With those tight black shirts, and tight pants, Matt Damon proved that sometimes WEARING the right clothes can be sexier than wearing none at all.  (Rarely, but it happens .  . .)

The Departed (2006)

For my final Matt Damon selection of the evening, I chose the fantastic and modern Scorcese mob flick, The Departed, which, like many of Damon’s other films, featured an all-star cast, including the likes of Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio.  Like his role in School Ties, Damon’s character in this film was kind of weasely and D-baggy.  As Colin Sullivan, Damon played a Mob Golden Boy working undercover as a mole within the Massachusetts State Police Department.  If any other actor played the role, Sullivan would have undoubtedly been so unlikeable, as to be nearly unwatchable.  However, Damon lent a vulnerability to the role, that made audiences, if not root for the character, at least sympathize with him somewhat.  (AGAIN!  GOOGLE!  WHERE ARE MY NUDIE PICS?)

Disappointed that I haven’t provided you with more shirtless pics of Matt Damon?  As a consulation prize, I leave you with this clip of Matt Damon impersonating Matthew McConaughey TALKING about being shirtless.  (McConaughey, now THERE’S a man who could never be accused of wearing too much clothes.  I didn’t even have to TYPE “shirtless” next to his name in Google Images, for half the pictures to come out all nudie!)