Another Bloody 12-Step Program – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Under Control”

“Dude, I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!  The last thing I remember is going into a tattoo parlor and asking for some pegasus wings on my back . . . OH CRAP!  REAL WINGS!  How the f&*k did these get here?  Damon’s NEVER going to let me live this one down . . .”

Tonight’s installment of The Vampire Diaries featured an in-town party,

LOTS of booze,

SOME making out,

SOME brawling,

and a heaping helping of Julie Cooper-Nichol Melinda Clarke.

In short, it reminded me A LOT of this OTHER show I used to watch . . .

“Welcome to The VD, BITCH!”

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

The Things We Cannot Change . . .

When we last left Stefan, he found himself hooked on . . .

 . . . having tasted his girlfriend, Elena’s, during a particularly weak moment.  When we see Stefan, this week, he is struggling to quit the stuff cold turkey.  His brilliant plan for achieving this goal?  LOTS of sweaty pull-ups  . . . which, again, I think, was only included in the episode, so that we got the opportunity to see Paul Wesley look like this . . .

 . . . and AGAIN, I’m OK with that!

Unfortunately, for Stefan, his brother, Damon, is a TOTAL enabler . . .

 . . . and SMOKIN’ HOT (just saying).  So, Damon, who is a pretty big blood drinker himself, continues to randomly leave vials and glasses of the “red stuff” all around the mansion, where these two dapper drinkers currently reside.  “Why can’t you just get blood from a blood bank, like the rest of us?”  Damon inquires.

Now THIS development is very interesting to me . . . You see, I was always under the impression, that while Damon occasionally imbibed a “soccer mom” or two from vials of blood stolen from a hospital or blood bank, human skin was his “glass” of choice.  Perhaps, I always assumed this, because many scenes in The Vampire Diaries book series, featured a super sexy Damon compelling a young innocent lass to offer up her body for feeding.  The act of “drinking” these females was always overtly sexual.  And Book Damon, to his credit, always left the bitten ladies in bed asleep, with no memory of the event, except for some VERY SWEET DREAMS!

Truthfully, this has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine!  And I was more than a bit disappointed when Damon admitted he hadn’t “had a human in years.”  It also raises an interesting point.  If Damon and the other vamps, drinks solely from blood banks, and Stefan repeatedly goes out into the woods to eat Bambi’s mother . . .

 . . . and other assorted forest creatures, heretofore alive and well, wouldn’t that make Stefan more of a killer than his brother? 

Also, we noticed, throughout the episode, how DANGEROUS Stefan’s newfound cravings for human blood were causing him to become.  EVERYONE suddenly became a target .  . . even Elena.  Given that, wouldn’t Stefan’s imbibing of blood bank blood make him less harmful to the people he cared about, not more?  The only possible explanation I could think of as to why we should be rooting AGAINST Stefan becoming a HUMAN blood sucker, is that his LOOOOONG absense from the stuff, has made him . . .

 . . . in terms of blood drinking, almost as if he was a NEWBORN vampire once again.  And we learned, from Vicki Donovan a few episodes ago, just how DANGEROUS those newbies could be . . .

“Oh, BITE ME!  On second thought, let me BITE YOU . . . HARD!”

Most of the episode’s A-storyline featured Stefan trying to get a handle on his blood drinking by getting as wasted as possible on alcohol!

Somewhere underground, the creator of the 12-Step Program is rolling over in his grave.  Unless of course, HE is a vampire too!  If so, he probably doesn’t mind as much . . .

The result of all this DRINKING, is that Stefan, as Damon says, becomes sort of “fun,” for a change.  He compels the D.J. at the party to switch from the snoozy orchestral music he is playing, to the song Falling by Phoenix (which you may have recognized as the song from those cadillac commercials . . .)

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good song, and all.  But I, personally, think it would have been WAY FUNNIER if Stefan “requested” that the DJ play a song by Vampire Weekend.

The song, “A Punk,” for example, would have been FABULOUS for this venue . . .

All the while, Stefan was telling Elena and Damon he had things “under control.”  However, we could tell that this wasn’t the case at all when he (1) got all veiny, wrinkled, and puffy eye baggy, when things got hot and heavy with Elena in her bedroom; and (2) twice almost killed that random dude for having the NERVE to knock into and be rude to Elena at the party (which was kind of hot, I have to admit).  But “rock bottom” for our pal Stefan had to be when Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom . . .

 . . . got a massive cut on her head.  In a move that was both incredibly creepy, and intensely sexy, at the same time, Stefan placed his hand gently on Julie Cooper Nichol’s Matt’s Slutty Mom’s wound, rubbed it with his fingers, and then proceeded to amorously lick his hand like a VERY DIRTY cat.

“Mmmmmm . . . Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom Guts . . . DELICIOUS!”

At the end of the episode, Stefan gives in to temptation, chugging down a blood-filled tumbler that his brother strategically left on the bar for him.  And again — I have to ask — is this necessarily a bad thing?

The Senseless Death That Was Neither Particularly Senseless, Nor Deadly .  . .

So, at the beginning of the episode, this guy shows up at Elena’s doorstep, and I IMMEDIATELY don’t like him, because he walks with his hands clasped between his legs, like a VERY MEAN AND SCARY principal I used to have in elementary school (RIP Princi  – PAL).  Apparently, this guy is Uncle John Gilbert — a man who once slept with . . .

Aunt Jenna, and MAY have slept with . . .

Elena’s biological mom, Isabel.  WOAH!  What are you telling me, VD?   Elena’s UNCLE did the deed with both Elena’s AUNT and Elena’s MOM?

Incest much?  It took me a few takes to remember that Aunt Jenna is the sister of Elena’s adoptive mom, Uncle John is Elena’s adoptive dad’s brother, and NONE of these people are at all related to Elena’s biological mom!  This makes the whole situation less gross . . . but only slightly.  It still strikes me as a bit “too close for comfort,” if you know what I mean . . .

Anyway, Uncle John immediately starts making trouble in Mystic Falls.  First, he threatens to take Elena’s deceased father’s office, which Elena and Jeremy inherited in their parents’ will, away from them.  THEN he reveals to the town council that a bunch of blood banks are reporting stolen vials of blood and missing employees, prospectively exposing all the vampires in Mystic Falls, not to mention cutting off their nutrition supply.  Uncle John then reveals to Damon that he knows EVERYTHING about the Salvatore brothers, including that they are vampires, and that they were responsible for opening the underground tomb containing Mama Pearl . . .

 . . . and the other Hidey Hole Vamps.  Damon takes quick action, like the Rambo Bad Ass, he is!

Our Main Man breaks Uncle John’s neck and tosses him off the balcony, before I could even utter the word “Douchebag.”  And I must admit, I CHEERED LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL, when it happened (maybe it was all those principal memories, getting the best of me).  “UNCLE JOHN, it gives me GREAT PLEASURE to bestow upon you the SENSELESS DEATH AWARD!”  I literally said, out loud, as I watched the scene.

 So, as you can imagine, I was just and confused and PISSED as Damon, when Uncle John showed back up at the party, alive and unharmed . . .

“He’s BAAACK!”

As it turns out, Uncle John was conveniently wearing that Can’t Be Killed Ring, also owned by Snoozy Alaric . . .

 . . . who, I must admit, I ENJOYED for the second week in a row, as he continued his awesome post-face punch Bromance with Hot Vamp Damon.

Apparently, like Alaric, Uncle John got the ring from Elena’s Surprisingly Slutty Biological Mom!

Uncle John also claims that HE was the one who sent Elena’s Slutty Mom to Damon, when she wanted to be turned into a vampire.  I’m not quite sure I believe him yet?  But, unfortunately, we will probably find out the truth in future episodes, as this AWFUL DUDE seems like he will be sticking around for a while.  Uncle John already kind of reminds me of a side-character from another show, who I DESPISED, but who never EVER seemed to LEAVE!

Marilyn from Big Love, anyone?

In other news . . .

Vampjer FINALLY Gets a Clue!

If you recall, newly-turned vampire Vicki was STAKED by Stefan, because she tried to kill Elena in a vampiric rage, while the lovelorn Jeremy watched in horror.  At Elena’s request, Damon compelled Jeremy to forget the entire traumatic experience, and believe Vicki had simply run away from home.  And that WAS what he believed — for a while, at least — until he developed a strange fascination with vampires, cultivated by, none other than his SORT-OF Gal Friday, Vampire Anna.

When Vicki was found buried in the forest, the coroner called her death a drug overdose.  “But then why was she buried?  Who buried her?”  Jeremy inquires, and rightly so.

The town council stonewalls Jeremy, when he inquires into the odd circumstances surrounding Vicki’s demise.  Even his sister, Elena, basically tells him to “let it go.”  At the end of the episode, a suspicious Jeremy breaks into Elena’s bedroom and finds her diary.  In it, he reads the whole Bloody Story.  And he is PISSED!

Also . . .

Drunk and Slutty IS as Drunk and Slutty DOES . . .

Still vulnerable from her daughter’s untimely demise, Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom gets wasted at the Founder’s Day Kickoff Party, and makes out with her son’s friend, Tyler.

“I totally POKED – HER!”

When Matt . . .

 . . . finds Tyler and his mom en flagrante, he freaks out, and moves to punch Tyler in the face.  But then, Tyler goes all rabid animal crazy on the poor guy’s ass!  And if you’ve read the books, or seen the spoilers, you know why.  Tyler’s dad slaps Tyler in the face HARD for losing his cool — making me feel bad for D-Bag Tyler, for the first time, since he’s been on this show.  And you just KNOW this isn’t the last we will see of THIS storyline . . .

Also, Matt kicks his Slutty Mom out of the house.  But something tells me, that ultimatum is not going to stick . . .

Well, that’s all I’ve got folks!  Tune in next week, when it appears that Sexy Damon (not Stefan) will be escorting Elena to the Founder’s Day Ball.  Let the sexually tense moments and sexual innuendos BEGIN!  Until then . . .

Sayonara, fellow Blood Suckers!

 

My Favorite Mobsters: My Picks of the Top Ten “Made Men” to Grace the Silver and Small Screen

Why are we so fascinated by mobsters?  Is it the way they talk?  (“Fuhgeddaboutit!”  “I’m gonna make him an  offer he can’t refuse!”  “Go to the mattresses.” “I amuse you?  I make you laugh?”)  Their funny accents?  Those snazzy suits and hats they always wear? 

Or perhaps it’s something deeper.  After all, mafia men are loyal to a fault.  They adhere to a strict code of honor.  They place the institution of  “family” above all else.  If you really think about it, mobsters were the first, and ultimate, “bad boys.”  The most successful ones are powerful, strong,  sexy . . . and deadly dangerous.

So, without further adieu, here’s my list of the Top Ten Fictional Mobsters of all time . . .

10) Fat Tony  – The Animated Mobster

Show of origin:  The Simpsons

Played by:          Joe Montegna (he does the voice)

Why he made the list: 

Fat Tony is a successful amalgamation of pretty much every movie and television mobster ever invented.  But he still manages to have his own unique style.  It’s really hard to be intimidating when you are drawn in colored pencil, and have a face like a muppet.  Yet, Fat Tony somehow manages to be genuinely menacing.  Interestingly enough, the character’s appearance is based on that of an actor who frequently appears in mafia films (and was just shy of making this list).

Paul Sorvino (Now can you see the resemblance?)

9) Sonny – The Mobster with a Heart of Gold

Film of origin:  A Bronx Tale

Played by:        Chazz Palminteri

Why he made this list:

Sure, Sonny may have shot a man in cold blood over a parking space, but it was really to protect Joe Pesci!  And, yes,  Sonny beat the stuffing out of an entire biker gang, but they had been destroying family-owned bars across the country!  When you really think about it, this New York mob boss was a pretty good guy, as far as racketeering murderers go.  And he seemed to really care about young Calogero (“C”). 

Sonny acted as a second father to C (His biological father was played by Robert De Niro, who is also on this list, TWICE.  However, not for this movie, where he played a law-abiding bus driver.)  He taught C the ins and outs of life, lectured him about staying in school, gave him advice on women, tried to keep him away from a life of crime, and, most importantly, saved his life.  Oh, and he also taught him how to gamble.  Gambling is fun!

8) Consigliere Tom Hagen – The Smart Mobster

Film of origin: The Godfather (Parts I and II)

Played by: Robert Duvall

Why he made the list:

Not all mobsters were Italian.  Some were of German and Irish descent, like Tom Hagen.  (Can’t you tell by the name?)  Tom was an educated man, a lawyer.  He acted as a sage, and mild-mannered advisor, first to Vito Corleone, and, later to his son, Michael.  Despite, living and working amongst mobsters, Tom more or less managed to keep his hands clean.  And while he remained loyal to The Family throughout his life, he did so without ever committing an act of violence.  (Then again, he did convince that one guy to commit suicide.  Not cool, Tom!)

7) Sylvio Dante  – The Loyal Rocker Mobster

Played by :         Steven Van Zandt

Show of origin:  The Sopranos

Why he made the list:  

Oh how, I love Sylvio, let me count the ways.  First and foremost, he has cool Elvis hair.

And the actor who plays him rocks out with a band from my home state of NEW JERSEY!  Bruce Springsteen’s E-Street Band, of course!

Silvio was probably the toughest muscle of Tony Soprano’s gang.  However,  unlike the hot-headed Paulie Walnuts (we’ll get to him later), he never lost his cool.  When others came to doubt Tony’s leadership, Sylvio was unfailingly loyal.  Sylvio detested rats above all else, and most of his victims were snitches and informants of some sort.  (And no one likes THEM, anyway, right?)

6) Jimmy “The Greek” Conway – The Strong and Silent (but Deadly) Mobster

Film of origin:   Goodfellas

Played by: Robert De Niro

Why he made this list:

Like Tom Hagen, Jimmy is an Irish mobster (although, truthfully, it’s hard to imagine De Niro as anything other than Italian).   And like Silvio, he is the mild-mannered muscle of his crew.  Although, Jimmy’s origin of descent prevented him from becoming a true “made man,” he never complained.  While his hands may have been dirtier than anyone else’s in his Family, Jimmy never let his job diminish his sense of class and style.  A

fter a big score had left them with untold riches, Jimmy cautioned his crew against dressing and behaving too ostentatiously.  Oh yeah, and the dude can smoke a cigar like no one’s business . . .

5) Vito Corleone – The Old School Mobster

Film of origin: The Godfather (Parts I and II)

Played by:       Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro

Why he made the list:

Honestly, how could I make a mobster list, without including the original mobster himself?  Vito was the King of the Mobsters.  The mobster on which all subsequent film and television mobsters are undoubtedly based.  And if his character didn’t have to go and die on us at the end of the first Godfather movie (we saw him in the second one only through flashbacks), I have no doubt that he would be significantly higher on this list. 

You know what?  I’m not even going to tell you why Vito is so cool.  I’m going to let him show you for himself . . .

4) Paulie Walnuts – The Wal – NUTS Mobster

Show of origin: The Sopranos

Played by:          Tony Sirico

Why he made the list:

In short, Paulie made this list because he is bat sh*t crazy!  If Silvio is the man on the Soprano’s crew you’d most want to have your back, Paulie is the one you’d most want to take out for beers.  Between his kick ass one-liners, his random flip outs, and his childlike constant need for approval, hot-headed Paulie Walnuts is nothing if not entertaining.  And talk about loyalty to family, the dude beat up an old lady, just because she wasn’t playing nicely with his mother!  Plus, he has awesome Pepe Le Pew hair . . .

(Notice the resemblance?)

3) Tommy DeVito – The Loudmouthed Mobster

Film of origin: Goodfellas

Played by: Joe Pesci (Here’s another guy that I couldn’t dream of making a Mob Hit List without!)

Why he made the list:

I’m pretty sure, a lot of what is awesome about Paulie Walnuts was inspired by this guy.  Tommy DeVito was a hotheaded sociopath, who loved killing and beating the crap out of people. In fact, he did it regularly, often for NO REASON AT ALL.  Murderous tendencies aside, he seems like a pretty cool guy to spend an evening with.  Just don’t call him funny . . .

2) Michael Corleone – The Reluctant Mobster

Film of origin: The Godfather (Parts I, II and III)

Played by: Al Pacino

Why he made the list?

Do you even have to ask?  Michael Corleone was the quintessential mob boss.  But what made him so interesting and unique was that he never wanted to be one.  Born into a notorious crime family, Michael escaped his roots at the age of 18, and went on to become an Ivy League graduate, and war hero.  He then married the straight-laced daughter of a Baptist minister, in hopes of becoming a law-abiding family man, with a lowercase “f.”

But Michael soon gets sucked into the Family’s web.  When two nearly successful attempts are made on his father’s life, he is forced to avenge them.  After his father’s death, Michael is forced to replace him as head of the Corleone crime family.

Although throughout the trilogy, Michael makes numerous attempts to legitamize the Family business, he is continually thwarted by circumstances beyond his control, as well as his growing greed and hubris.  Of all our mob men’s stories, his is perhaps the most tragic.  And that’s why we love him.

1) Tony Soprano – Jersey Mobster Supreme

Show of origin: The Sopranos

Played by:          James Gandolfini

Why he made the list?

There are those of you out there who would undoubtedly like to give me flack for placing Tony Soprano above Michael Corleone on this list.  However, I have had eight years to get to know the former, and only a few hours to get to know the latter.  So, you will have to forgive me my sacrilege. 

Tony Soprano remains one of the most complex characters in television history.  On one hand, he is a hardened criminal, a violent and cold-blooded killer — a man who regularly cheats on his wife, who betrays his former friends and members of his family.  Sure, you could probably justify his murder of Tony Blundetto as a mercy killing, a rival family was going to do him in, anyway.

And his murder of Adrianna could be called a “protective measure.”  She was going to turn Tony and the rest of the Soprano family over to the FBI.

But his shocking “hands-on” murder of protégé and adoptive nephew Christopher Moltisanti during the show’s final season? 

I’m scratching my head over that one . . .

On the other hand, Tony Soprano was always somewhat of a flawed every-man.  He tried desperately to be a good dad to his two children, a good brother to his younger sister, and a good son to his spiteful, mean, and often unappreciative mother.  And before he killed Christopher, he really did care for him like a son or younger brother (if that counts for anything).  Tony also suffered from debilitating depression and panic attacks, both of which made him seem more fragile and human.

It was these physical and emotional ailments that caused Tony to seek treatment from psychiatrist Dr. Melfi.  During these therapy sessions,  we got to see a softer side of Tony — a side that experienced guilt and remorse over his actions, one that loved and deeply cared about those around him.

Dr. Melfi brought out the best in Tony Soprano.  And even though, these two never crossed the line romantically, the intelligent interplay and sexual tension between them was extremely HOT!

This is why Tony Soprano, tops my list.  And why, I REFUSE to believe that he died during that maddening fade-to-black series finale!  In fact, I am so certain, that Tony merely finished his onion rings, waited until Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing finished playing on the juke box, and drove home, that I’ve decided to leave you with a video of the awesome opening credits to one of the best television series of all time. 

After all, these credits show a living, cigar-smoking Tony Soprano commuting home from work on the New Jersey Turnpike.  And that’s what I truly believe he will be doing tomorrow evening . . . at least in TV Land!

 

 

Hey, remember that show Party of Five? Do you think Dr. Jack Shepard does?

 

Matthew Fox IS Dr. Jack Shephard.  And I am pretty sure he will continue to BE Dr. Jack Shephard, for better or worse,  LONG after Lost airs its season finale.  However, when the first season of Lost aired, back in 2004, I found that I couldn’t look at “Jack” without thinking, “Hey, isn’t that the guy from that show I used to watch back when I was a kid?  The one with all the hot orphans?”

Dude, you’re just burying your dad NOW?  Hasn’t he been dead since 1994?

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Party of Five was an hour-long drama that aired during the mid through late nineties.  The show revolved around the five Salinger siblings, who were forced to raise one another, after both of their parents were killed in a tragic drunk driving accident.  The clan included, early twenty-something Charlie Salinger (Matthew Fox), teens Julia and Bailey, young violin prodigy Claudia, and baby Owen.  

The acting on Party of Five was top notch.  It is no wonder that many of these “child stars” went on to have major movie and film careers.

Aside from Mathew Fox, there was . . .

the adorable Scott Wolf, who now stars in ABC’s show V;

Is it just me, or does this guy never age?  According to IMDB, he’s in his 40s now, and could probably STILL play a high schooler (well . . . maybe college).

Neve Campbell, who you might remember from the Scream movies;

Lacey Chabert of Mean Girls fame;

Ghost Whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt; and

Jeremy London, who I always confuse with his twin brother, Jason.  He used to be pretty big in the ’90s. Now, I think, he just does a lot of Lifetime movies . . .

As a child, who was still a bit young to understand the true tragedy that had actually befallen the Salingers, I remember thinking about how much fun it would be to live in a house run by teenagers.  To eat pizza every night for dinner.  To sleep in a tent in the living room, like the Claudia character did (I was about that character’s age, at the time the show aired, so her living arrangements made TOTAL sense to me).  To not always have to clean up after myself (but, if you absolutely HAD to do chores, there would inevitably be singing and dancing involved). . .

Plus, I was an only child.  So I would have killed for a cool older sister, like Julia, to emulate, or a cool older brother like Bailey to pal around with.  And if I couldn’t be Claudia, and have Bailey for a big brother, I would have loved to date him like the shy bookish girl-next-door, Sarah Reeves.  I had a HUGE crush on Scott Wolf back then.  And even though I was closest in age to the Claudia character, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Sarah reminded me most of myself.

Like most teen dramas, the show dealt with the typical issues that young adults face during their adolescence: friends, dating, academics, puberty, peer pressure, etc.  However, it also had added layers of complexity, involving the unique challenges associated with raising a family at a very young age.  Additionally, there were a couple of really powerful episodes, during the first season, that addressed the death of the Salinger parents, and how each character coped when forced to come face-to-face with the drunk driver who killed them.

Because you tend to watch television shows very differently in your pre-teens than in your twenties, I took the liberty of Netflixing the first season of Party of Five a few months back.  I am pleased to report it has withstood the test of time.  If anything, I appreciated the show more, upon second viewing, because I better understood its dramatic subtext and complex character relationships.

Like most shows, Party of Five went off the rails a bit in its final couple of seasons.  In my opinion, it became WAY too maudlin.  This is not to say that Charlie’s cancer storyline, and Bailey’s battles with alcoholism, weren’t well written.  They just weren’t exactly a joy to watch.  Plus, there was that oddly funny, but completely out-of-place plotline, involving the youngest child Owen, and his newfound penchant for cross-dressing.  I guess the show’s writers inserted the story as a means of comic relief, but I sort of didn’t get it . . .

Lackluster final seasons aside, Party of Five was a major player on my ’90s television viewing roster, which is why I decided to give it a shout out here.  And, who knows, maybe clips from the show will pop up in a Lost Dr. Jack Shepard flashback, sometime soon?  Boy would Entertainment Weekly’s Doc Jensen have a field day with that!

Taking Things SLLOOOOWW . . . : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Hurt Locket”

 

Spotted: The most unintentionally relevant episode title EVER . . .

After all, there is no way the Gossip Girl writers could have possibly known, back when the script for this episode was being written, that a similarly titled film would go on to take home Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay awards at the Oscars, all by way of major upsets . . .

Or could they?

“I can see the future!  Now that’s what I’m TALKIN’ ABOUT, Willis!”

Tonight, we welcomed back our Upper East Side friends after a three-month hiatus.  Upon our return, we were treated to an episode about “taking things slow”  — an episode that, while not without its inherent sexiness and heartwarming moments, was . . . a little . . .  slow. 

Here’s what went down . . .

Reunited and it feels so . . . eh.

“Which one are you again?”

Remember a couple of episodes ago, when Serena was head over heels in love with Nate’s cousin, Tripp Archibald?  How about a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Carter Baizen?  Or a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Dan Humphrey?  Because Serena doesn’t seem to remember these things at all . . .

I wouldn’t mind so much, if the character just admitted to herself and the audience what she really is: a slut.  After all, there is nothing wrong with being a slut, per se.  Some of the greatest characters in television history were sluts!  For example, there was:

Blanche Dubois, from The Golden Girls;

Kelly Bundy, from Married with Children; and

Samantha Jones, from Sex in the City.

My problem with Serena is NOT that she is slutty.  But, rather, that she feels the need to justify her sluttiness by claiming that she is head over heels in love with every single man with whom she bumps uglies.  Her renewed relationship with Nate is no different. 

When the episode opens, Serena is on the phone with Blair, all hearts and roses about reuniting with Nate, after his time away from the city on vacation.  Blair cautions her friend about letting the “kitty out of the designer hand bag” too fast, if you catch my drift . . .

“Get your mind out of the gutter!  I was being literal!”

Blair urges Serena to take things slow, and play a little hard to get, so as to keep her blossoming relationship from going stale too quickly.  Unfortunately, Serena has about as much experience taking things slow, as she has with adding double digit numbers . . .

“Why bother learning to add when your boyfriends can do it for you?”

Serena is all set to disregard her friends sage advice, and head off to the Ambassadors Ball with her Beau- of-the-Week, when Nate, who has received similar “take it slow” advice from his buddy, Dan (Why anyone would take advice from HIM is beyond me!), disinvites Serena from the exclusive event.  Unaccustomed to being unceremoniously dumped, a pissed off Serena seeks revenge by asking a former beau from her “bad girl” boarding school days, Damien (more on him later), to be her escort to the ball.  A jealous Nate, who initially planned on attending the ball solo, ends up taking young Jenny Humphrey (more on her later too). 

 Hilarity ensues.  Long story short, Nate and Serena ultimately reconcile, and end up screwing in the coat check room (classy!), vowing never to take things slow again . . .

Now, I know I’ve just bashed the heck out of this storyline.  But I must say, these two were pretty hot together in that coat room.  No one ever said sex had to be smart to sell . . .

Make it Work, Pillheads!

Let me be the first to say, I like Jenny’s new beau, Drug Dealing Damien.  For starters, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Jared Leto, circa the mid 90s.

“Praise the Lord!  Jordan Catalano has been reincarnated, and returned to MY so-called life!”

Plus, I am always a sucker for a bad boy.  Up until this point, Chuck Bass more or less had the market cornered on redeemable bad assery on Gossip Girl.  And yet, as the series progressed, Chuck became increasingly well-behaved, leaving somewhat of a void in the series. 

While no one can match Ed Westwick’s deliciously deviant sexiness as Chuck, Kevin Zeger’s Damien follows in his footsteps quite nicely.  And I must say, even though Zegers looks a tad long in the tooth to be in a relationship with little Jenny, he and Taylor Momsen have good on-screen chemistry, something the actress never had with Chace Crawford’s Nate, in my opinion.

When the episode opens, Damien presents Jenny with a problem to solve.  You see, Damien has this gift box filled with expensive prescription medication and assorted designer drugs.  He needs to get these drugs to the daughter of the French Ambassador at Ambassador’s Ball, without getting narc-ed out by government security. 

Jenny, who is nothing if not resourceful, comes up with the “brilliant” idea of stitching the drugs into an item of clothing.  Suddenly, I am wondering whether I have inadvertently changed the channel, and stumbled upon a rather ill-conceived episode of Project Runway.

“This week, your challenge is to fashion a wearable garment made entirely out of pharmaceuticals.  Make it work, Designers!”

Although I loved Jenny’s idea in theory, her execution was a little off.  That pill-studded cropped jacket was the ugliest thing I have ever seen!  In addition to being completely grotesque, the jacket was also more than a tad dated, with its 80s era “bedazzled” pill sequins and high shoulder pads.

Heathers – The film that inspired Jenny’s jacket.

The original plan is for Jenny to wear the pill-filled jacket to the event, and switch it with the French Ambassador’s “sober” version of the jacket during the party.  The problem is that Damien, upon recalling what a whore Serena was back in boarding school, jumps at the chance to attend the party with her, instead of Jenny. 

At the ball, Damien has little trouble getting Serena into the ugly jacket, but finds himself in the unique situation of being unable to get her out of it.  Now, when even Serena Van der Woodsen won’t sleep with you, that’s pretty bad!

“Nice going, loser!”

With enough “I told you so’s” to buy a jacket that’s actually fashionable, Jenny ultimately comes to Damien’s rescue.  Finding the pilly jacket on the floor in the coat room (Serena and Nate tossed it there during their hard-core screwing session), Jenny instructs the coat check girl to make sure that its delivered immediately to its proper owner, the French Ambassador’s daughter.

Something tells me Little J’s foray into drug dealing will not be quite so easy the next time around . . .

Mamma Mia

Of course, my favorite storyline of the evening came from my favorite Gossip Girl couple, the always-intriguing and never dull, Chuck and Blair.  Every time these two are on screen with one another, I feel like I need to take a cold shower.  Unlike Serena and Nate, Chuck and Blair don’t need to be screwing to be sexy, the looks they give one another say it all . . .

I’ll admit that when the episode opened with Blair babbling about needing Chuck’s help to convince some snooty French dude to approve her charter for a “secret society” at NYU, I was a bit concerned.  How many episodes are going to revolve around Blair plotting to get herself into some pompous club or event?  Foruntately, Blair’s popularity “crisis” quickly took a back seat to Chuck’s identity one. 

If you recall, Chuck was told by his father that his mother died giving birth to him.  As if that wasn’t enough of a guilty burden for a young man to shoulder, Chuck was always convinced that his father held him personally accountable for his mother’s death.

Prior to the show’s Season 3 hiatus, when Chuck visited his father’s grave on the anniversary of the latter’s death, he found a woman there, equipped with his father’s favorite flowers(?) (must be a “rich guy” thing), and a locket with his father’s picture in it.  Said locket just so happened to be engraved with his mother’s first initial “E”.  Understandably, Chuck became obsessed with finding this woman. 

 Initially, young Bass’s pride kept him from admitting to Blair that he was investigating the source of the locket and its female wearer.  Yet, Blair, in a move that was surprisingly mature and altruistic for her often immature and self-absorbed character, recognized her boyfriend’s pain, and put aside her petty secret society bids, in order to accompany Chuck on his mission to find the owner of the locket.

When Chuck finds the woman, she denies being or knowing Chuck’s mother, despite the fact that her name also begins with an “E.”  The woman claims that the locket was something Papa Bass gave to all of his sexual conquests.  A heartbroken Chuck leaves the scene, but Blair stays behind.  In a speech that was both beautifully written and beautifully acted by Leighton Meester, Blair explains to the woman that she doesn’t buy her story.  She tells the locket owner that if she knows anything that can relieve Chuck’s guilt over his mother’s death, she owes it to Chuck to share that information.

Later a dejected Chuck comes to grips with the fact that he will probably never have a mother.  Blair gently comforts him, promising him that she will always be his family.  With Blair by his side, Chuck will never have to be alone.  What well-adjusted adults these two have become — quite a long way from the scheming and conniving Blair and Chuck of Season 1 (who I’ll admit, I miss a little bit). 

Still, I’m proud of these two.

At the end of the episode, we see the Locket Woman staring at yet another locket, this one containing a picture of her holding a baby.  With Blair’s poweful words fresh on her mind, the woman finally musters up the courage to contact Chuck on his cell phone, using a Blocked number.   

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . there was another, minor, storyline involving Dan’s dad, Rufus being mad at his new wife, Lily, for spending the night with her ex husband and then lying to him about it.  Unlike the mature Chuck and Blair, middle-aged Rufus decided to handle the matter like a jealous and horny teen, hopping into bed with a neighbor at the first possible opportunity, for a night of Revenge Sex.  Way to set an example for your children, Rufus!

“What do you expect from a guy with a dog’s name?”

Tune in next week, when Serena and Nate are sure to have more steamy sex, the heretofore absent Vanessa will likely make an appearance (zzzzz), and, hopefully, there will be plenty more Chuck/Blair scenes and Damien bad assery to drool over . . .

XOXO!

Oh no, Mr. Bill (Henrickson)!: A Recap of Big Love’s “Blood Atonement”

OHHHH NOOO!  Things aren’t going so well for the Henrickson clan!  But, hey, at least they have all their limbs in tact, which is more than I can say for SOME people on this show. . .

When I think back on this week’s installment of “Big Love,” the first word that comes to mind is “bizarro.”  In fact, if there was a camera on me while I was watching “Blood Atonement,” I probably would have looked a lot like this . . .

Yeah, I’m a monkey.  Got a problem with that?

But if I HAD to pick a theme for this episode, it would probably be “family”  — more specifically, the lengths a person will go to

save it . . .

seek vengeance on its behalf . . .

or prevent it from running her mildly successful jewelry business into the ground, by outing her as a polygamist.

So, without further adieu, let’s check in with our favorite family to find out who got married, who got knocked up,  who almost got blown up, who has an “unhappy uterus,” and who is no longer capable of clapping . . .

Oh Baby!

Apparently, Nikki will not be having one of these any time soon . . . but someone else will.

For some time now, our favorite second wife, Nikki Grant, has been receiving pressure from her sister wives to conceive.  At first, Nikki was hell bent against it, even going as far as to sneak birth control pills behind Bill’s back.  Now, however, Nikki is suddenly desperate to conceive.  Unfortunately, Heavenly Father has other ideas.   

Nikki’s doctor informs her that, having reached the ripe old age of 30ish, she has suddenly developed  . . .

 . . . an unhappy uterus (thus proving you can find ANYTHING in Google Images).

Speaking of uteruses (uteri?), you know who has the most cheerful uterus in the world?  Nikki’s Mommy, Adaleen, of course!  Given that she has a 30ish daughter, I’m guessing Adaleen is probably somewhere in her 50’s, just a wee bit past prime child-birthing age.  And yet, lo and behold, she is pregnant.  It’s a MIRACLE! 

Or is it?  J.J. was acting very strangely when discussing Adaleen’s pregnancy with his sister.  Plus, I didn’t trust that baby-faced “family doctor” to whom J.J. sent Adaleen (Nikki visited him later for help with her own infertility woes) as far as I could throw him.  

It may be too soon to tell what the heck is going on here.  However, my guess is that J.J. paid off that squirmy doc to inseminate Adaleen, in some strange and complicated ploy to either screw with Nikki or somehow become Prophet.  That being said, I am more than a bit worried for Nikki right now.  With J.J. watching her every move, an  “Unhappy Uterus” is  the least of her problems . . .

Holy Nuptials!

In other pregnancy news, erstwhile fourth wife Anna still has a bun in the oven, and Barb is still trying to get her holier-than-thou mitts on it.  “The Crazy Lady wants me to drink the Kool Aid again,” explains Anna in Russian to her vaguely attractive, but kind of dirty- looking fiancé, when Barb barges into the couple’s home for what feels like the 20,000th time this season, and begs Anna to reconsider her decision.

Anna explains that her fiancé, who is studying to become a doctor (yeah because this guy has PROFESSIONAL written all over him . . . PROFESSIONAL HITMAN), is in danger of being deported.  Therefore, the two of them must leave the country ASAP.  Seeing the writing on the wall for her jewelry business, should Bill win the Senatorial election and out the entire family as polygamists, Margene comes up with a thoughtful, if not entirely altruistic, solution. 

SHE will marry Anna’s fiancé!  This way, he and Anna will get to stay in the country!  Anna’s fiancé can become the doctor he always dreamed of being!  (Ha ha)  Bill and Barb can get to screw up yet another child!  And, most importantly, Margene can continue selling cheap bracelets on the Home Shopping Network!  EVERYBODY WINS !

Except, I’m not sure Barb would agree.  Then again, she has her own crap to deal with — or, as they say in the casino world . . .

Oh Craps!

Remember last week, when I warned Barb to beware of evil little women bearing sweet gifts?

She didn’t listen.  Back at the casino, Barb and Tommy (I hate to say it, but these two are actually really hot together and they haven’t even kissed yet) have their hands full with a right-wing extremist group that is loudly boycotting the casino.  Unfortunately, now that they actually need her, their high- priced media whore publicist, Marilyn, is no where to be found.  Things really get out of hand when the casino receives a bomb threat and has to be evacuated.

In an effort to reach some sort of compromise, Barb contacts the head of the extremist group, while the latter is on business in Scotland.  However, the Right Wing Nut Job denies playing any role in the bomb fiasco, and refuses to help.  When Barb learns that Marilyn is also in Scotland, she puts two and two together, and figures out that Marilyn is in cohoots with the Right Wing Nut Job. 

Her and Tommy have been set up!  Marilyn is EVIL!  I’m SHOCKED!  (NOT!)

Aye Chihuahua!

“We’re not in Utah anymore, Tito.”

While Barb is busy mucking things up at the casino, Bill and Joey are traveling down to Mexico to rescue Ma and Pa Looney Tunes and Bill’s oldest son, Ben, from that dastardly polygamist, Hollis Green and his wife, who reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite place her . . .

Oh yeah, that’s the one!

Anyway, Ma, Pa, Ben, and Pa’s other wife, Jodeen, are holed up in Green’s Mexican compound awaiting “trial,” while Bill and Brother Joey try to come up with a plan.  Joey, still peeved at the Greens for their role in his almost-wife Cathy’s death, literally wants to go in with guns blazing.  (He found Pa’s stash in the trunk of his car.  Apparently, Ma and Pa Looney Tunes were not ONLY smuggling birds across state lines, but weapons too)  Bill, however, has other ideas . . .

Leaving a very angry Joey behind, Bill sneaks onto the compound and almost manages to escape with his brood, when Hollis and his wife catch them.  Hollis deems the escape the ultimate betrayal, and wishes to execute Ma, Pa, Ben, and Jodeen ASAP.  In an odd moment of self-sacrifice, the typically self-absorbed Bill offers to give his own life for that of his family.  Just when it looks as though Hollis is about to . .  .

 . . . his arm falls off .  . . no really, it does.  Ma Henrickson may be a bad parent; she may be really lousy at bird smuggling, but, apparently, she has a unique talent for swordplay.  The now One-Armed Hollis crumples to the floor, and Pat Mrs. Green truly appears anguished over her husband’s agony.

Bill explains to Mrs. Green that her husband should be able to live, and may even be able to salvage his arm, but only if she gets him to a doctor ASAP.  That means setting the Henricksons free.  Fortunately, Mrs. Green chooses her husband, because I REALLY couldn’t take another Mexico-based episode of this show . . .

So, what did you think?  Were you  getting as sick of Mexico as I was?  Will Hollis be able to reattach his arm?  And what the heck is the deal with Preggers Adaleen?

 

 

At First Bite: An Excerpt from Hollywood Warlock – A Novel by Julie Kushner

Chapter 1

At First Bite

The mood on the set of At First Bite, the much anticipated prequel to the critically acclaimed The Vampire Chronicles, was undoubtedly one of anticipation.  After all, filming was to start in just a few short minutes on what cast and crew knew would be a surefire blockbuster.  Heck, with the world economy in the crapper, and people’s lives going down the toilet right along with it, who wasn’t in need of a little supernatural escapist fantasy?  And what better way to escape than into the arms of a dangerous undead blood sucker?  The marketing department often joked that the tagline for the film should be “Recessions Bite, and So Does He.”

            Frenetic energy reverberated around the set, as everyone prepared for the film’s pivotal first scene, in which Vampire Lestrange encounters the naïve yet strong-willed heroine, Rebecca.  The prop department was busy strategically splattering “blood” (an odorous mixture of tomato paste, chocolate syrup, and lord knows what else) on the walls and floor, while white lab-coat wearing makeup specialists fussed over a highly realistic dismembered plastic corpse.  As a cumulative result of these activities, the sound stage bore greater resemblance to an Emergency Room surgery gone horribly awry than the filming locale for a high-budget action/horror flick set during the Victorian era. 

The rendezvous between the film’s two leads was to occur just moments after Lestrange, unbeknownst to Rebecca, had turned her sister Mary into a vampire.  The only problem was that film’s star, Justin Warlock, was still in his trailer, and no one seemed capable or willing to get him onto the set.

            “He’s doing what?  You’re kidding right?  Oh, I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”

            Kate McElwain paced back and forth in front of the craft services cart, barely able to contain her rage, as her agent tried in vain to prevent her from bodily removing her costar from his trailer.  Given her mood, he quickly decided honesty of the non-sugar coated variety would be the best approach.

            “Sweetie, you know Justin Warlock has always had a reputation for being a bit . . . How do I say it kindly?  Promiscuous.  But the boy brings box office, so we just have to bite our tongues.”

            “You bite your tongue.  I’m going to bite his balls off with those fake vampire fangs!” 

            Although touted by Entertainment Weekly as one of the “Top Ten New Faces to Watch in Hollywood This Year,” Kate McElwain, at 22, was already somewhat of an industry veteran.  Daughter of long-time soap opera starlet, Marlene McElwain, Kate practically grew up on film and television sets.  In fact, her career began when she was just eight months old, and was chosen, along with another baby who looked remarkably similar to her, to play the newborn daughter of her mother’s character on Days of Our Lives.

            As Kate got older, she had little trouble landing modeling gigs and commercials, due to her uncanny resemblance to her mother.  “It’s almost as if we created a time machine, went back about 25 years, retrieved Marlene from the past and brought her back here to repeat her career,” Marlene’s manager proclaimed about Kate.  With her petite frame, strawberry blond hair, pouty pink lips, and deep piercing blue eyes, Kate was the picture of naivety and innocence. 

As such, even though Kate was hardly a teenager, she was often cast to play “damsel in distress” types much younger than herself.  In fact, her role in At First Bite was no different.  Given Kate’s penchant for innocent roles, those who met her in her personal life were often surprised and amused to learn that she had the mouth of a truck driver and a temper to match.

“I mean, seriously, we haven’t even started filming yet, and already he’s missing call times because he’s diddling extras in his trailer?” Kate griped.  “Why doesn’t anyone just go get him, for Christ sake?”

“From what I’ve heard, no one interrupts Justin Warlock while he is ‘otherwise engaged,” the agent replied coyly.

Kate had never actually met Justin in person; although, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t familiar with his career and reputation.  First discovered by his agent at a shopping mall at the age of 16, 25-year old Justin Warlock made a career out of playing the leading man in romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks-esque dramas.  In addition to being a consistent fixture on People Magazine’s Sexiest Male List, Warlock was also a notorious playboy.  In fact, since starring in his first feature film at 18-years old, Justin has been romantically linked with every single one of his costars.  However, none of these romantic relationships had been rumored to last long after the movie premiere.

“Screw that!” Kate exclaimed, “Justin Warlock’s no supernatural being.  He’s just a dick who can’t keep it in his pants long enough to get to work on time.  I don’t see what everyone’s so fucking afraid of!”  And with that, she stalked off, leaving her agent to shake his head at his client’s tempestuousness.

Typically, by the time filming commenced, lead actors had already met one another at least a half a dozen times to conduct script read-throughs and navigate press junkets.  However, At First Bite’s Director expressly prohibited his on-screen duo from meeting prior to filming the first scene.  Rather, he desired their initial reactions to one another to be “fresh and unfettered.”  According to the Director, an actor’s and actress’s meeting on the first day of filming should be like a virgin bride’s first encounter with her husband on her wedding night, charged with anxiety and anticipation.  Kate thought that idea was a bunch of crap.  She was no virgin, and she was quite certain Justin wasn’t one either.  But far be it for her to mess with the Director’s “vision.”

Right now, vision or no vision, Kate was ready to have a little chat with El Director about her MIA costar.  When Kate approached “the man in charge,” he was hard at work on the Friday edition of the New York Times Crossword puzzle.  His tongue cradled his upper lip in concentration, as he struggled over one of the tougher clues.  The 40ish gentleman, whose salt and pepper hair, olive complexion and finely muscled physique gave him a George Clooney-type appeal, did not seem at all perturbed that his film was not running on schedule.  In fact, he seemed the picture of relaxation.

“Umm . . . Leo?”

The Director looked up from his puzzle and offered Kate a winning smile.  “Miss McElwain.  You look troubled.  Please, have a seat,” he said, patting a chair next to his own.  “How can I ease your spirits?”

Kate sat gingerly in the chair next to her Director.  Although it was going to take all of the inner strength she could muster, the young actress desperately wanted to appear diplomatic, knowing it was far too early in the game to piss off her boss by appearing too pushy.

“Well,” she started, “I am very eager to begin shooting our first scene.”

The Director laughed, a hearty Santa Claus “Ho, Ho, Ho,” which seemed incongruous with his lean-muscled frame.  “Ahhh, me too, me too,” chortled the Director, “It’s high time we popped that cherry.”

Ughh, more creepy virgin bride references.  Please, just kill me now.  Kate thought, but forced herself to remain courteous.  “Right . . . so the thing is, I was kind of wondering if you knew whether our ‘star’ would be making an appearance on set any time soon?”

“You think I should go get him, right?”  The Director responded, looking at Kate slyly.  “Yeah, I guess I should get him,” he rose from his seat and offered Kate his hand to help her out of the chair, “Come with me?”

Kate had no desire to go anywhere near that trailer, but again she recognized she had to be polite.  “Sure,” she said and followed the Director toward the trailers.  At least something was finally getting done. 

As they approached Justin’s trailer, Kate and the Director could hear the distinct sounds of sex coming from inside the doorway.  Kate was disgusted, but the Director simply appeared amused.  He glanced back at Kate.  “On second thought, why don’t you wait outside,” he said, before quickly climbing the steps and rapping on the door.  There was a brief pause, a few nervous shrieks and a hustle of activity, before the door opened a crack and the Director escaped inside, abruptly shutting the door behind him.

Kate was seething, as she waited outside the trailer alone, her foot tapping incessantly up and down, her arms wrapped tightly across her chest.  After a few moments, the door to the trailer opened.  Four women, all rather cheap-looking in Kate’s estimation, climbed out into the daylight, in various states of undress, each with the same lovesick grins on their faces, and dopey looks in their eyes.  If Kate hadn’t been too nervous about shooting to eat breakfast that morning, she probably would have puked right then and there.

Then the Director re-emerged, but this time with the man of the hour himself, Justin Warlock.  The two seemed to be having an uproariously good time, just yucking it up, which only served to make Kate madder.  Simultaneously, they both noticed her glaring at them and, like insolent school boys, guiltily wiped the shit-eating grins from their mugs.  “I’ll meet you both back on set,” called the Director.  He winked at Kate before briskly walking away, leaving the pair all by themselves.  So much for the “wedding night.”

Justin Warlock approached Kate, not with the confident swagger of a guy who just got laid by four women, but rather with the childlike exuberance of an eight-year old chasing after an ice cream truck.  With his tussled sun-kissed sandy brown hair, uncommonly long eyelashes, and obnoxiously adorable nose, the actor appeared to be nothing like the nymphomaniacal Adonis Kate had read about in the tabloids.  And yet, to the actress’s deep discomfort, Justin’s youthful pretty- boy body definitively smelled of sex.  Annoyed, Kate stared at the floor, desperately trying to avoid her costar’s good mood, which was being broadcast like radio waves from his dimpled smile and impossibly straight Crest advertisement white teeth.

“Wow . . . Kate McElwain!  I’ve been dying to meet you, since, like, forever,” announced Justin in the slightly-raspy voice Kate had heard so many times in movies.  He bowed slightly and held his hand out for Kate to shake.  Kate stared at the abhorrent hand as if it was infested with the intermingled juices of cheaply-perfumed floosies (which it probably was), and took a step back.  She would not be won over so easily.

The ingénue looked up at her nemesis, hands clenched, ready for battle.  Her vitriolic words spilled out of her like bullets shot from a tommy gun.  “OK.  Let’s get something straight, right off the bat.  I get that you’re Mister Sexiest Man Alive, and that you have scripts being thrown at you every day from here to Scandinavia, but some of us actually need this job.  So, in the future, if you need to get your cock sucked by one of the members of your bimbo harem, I’d really appreciate it if you did it on your own time.”

Wow, it felt really good to get that off her chest.  Kate took a deep breath.  Then, she looked up at Justin to gauge his reaction to her outburst.  For a moment, he didn’t appear to react at all.  Then, shock registered on his face.  Clearly, he had never been spoken to like that by anyone before, particularly not a woman.  Kate even worried for a second or two that he might hit her.  Instead, he did something even more unexpected.

Gently, Justin clasped Kate’s hand, looking deep into her blue eyes with his rounded blinking emerald green ones, which seemed as though they should belong to a boy much younger than the actor himself.  “Kate, you are absolutely 100% right . . . about everything.  What I did was completely selfish, unreasonably inconsiderate, and just plain stupid.  You deserve better, and I promise to be better from now on.  I am really . . . truly sorry.”

Unprepared for this type of response, Kate was utterly at a loss for words, and could do nothing but stare back into Justin’s eyes.  Even as Justin delivered his “heartfelt” apology, Kate knew that she was being played.  This guy was totally bullshitting her.  He didn’t mean a word of it.  And yet, while her mind was saying “Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit,” on autopilot, her body was responding in another way entirely. 

The warmth from Justin’s hand sent tingles up her spine and throughout her body.  Immediately, her mouth became dry and her knees nearly buckled.  Try as she might, she could not pull herself away from Justin’s entrancing stare and her eyes watered at the unblinking effort.  Suddenly, she had this intense impulse to rip off his shirt and run her hands over his muscled abdominals.  She imagined herself kissing his thin lips as he nibbled on her neck. 

Kate longed to touch the firm bulge in Justin’s designer khakis.  Just moments ago, she hated this man, who seemed to stand in the way of her career and was against everything she stood for.  Now, she couldn’t bear to let go of his hand, which, to her embarrassment, she was gripping tightly with her recently manicured nails.

            And yet, as excited as she was by these feelings, they also frightened her to her very core.  After all, Kate wasn’t the type of girl to go gaga over a man as seemingly shallow as Justin Warlock.  In fact, Kate wasn’t the type of girl to go gaga over any man at all.  You see, Kate McElwain was a lesbian.

_______________________________________________________________

Thirsty for more?  Click this link to find out how you can purchase your own copy of Hollywood Warlock. 

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/hollywood-warlock/6227611?showPreview