Martie | TV Recappers Anonymous

If you’ve read any of my recaps before, you know that I generally like to choose a cheesy title for them, one that hopefully encapsulates the tone of the particular episode I am recapping. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that this week, because I was a little distracted. The problem, I think, was that I just didn’t love this episode, as much as I loved previous ones. It just seemed like something was missing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Then it hit me . . .

The “thing” that was missing from this week’s installment of “Pretty Little Liars” started with a “W” and ended with a “ren.” The entire time I was watching this episode, I kept listening for that adorable British accent, watching for that smile, and waiting for that hot drunken schmuck to drop another flower pot on Spencer’s floor . . .

. . . but he never showed.

The episode even tried to trick me, by having a “Wren stand in” pop on the screen to flirt with Spencer. And, truth be told, that guy looked a little drunk too (More on him later.). But you can’t fool ME, ABC Family! Personally, I think you are trying to hide the fact that Wren was kidnapped by the Witchy A, ruiner of all TV relationships . . .

But I digress . . . A LOT. Seeing as how I just wasted 200 words of my recap on a guy who wasn’t even IN this week’s installment, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring him BACK! I imagine I should probably start recapping the actual episode. So, let’s get started . . .

A Lip-sticky Situation

Hanna was a TOTAL Nancy Drew this episode, wasn’t she? Nothing much exciting really happened to her, but she made up for it, by expertly shoving her nose in the more exciting lives of others. Oh, and did I mention she got her gay boyfriend to take her back, after she smashed his uber expensive car to smithereens? Gotta love the forgiving hearts of the filthy rich . . .

“Hey, no worries! My dad has ten just like it. We used to lend that one out to the “help.” They can hitchhike . . .”

But before all that happened, Hanna was eating breakfast, after a slumber party with the girls, when she received yet another mysterious text message from A. (Apparently, the girls unblocked their cell phones after last week. So they can now conveniently receive A’s messages again. I bet you are all SUPER relieved to hear this. I know I was.)

But this message was different from the others, because it contained . . . an . . . ATTACHMENT!

But, seriously, the ATTACHMENT was actually pretty creepy. It was a video taken from inside Spencer’s closet. The video featured our Fabulous Foursome freaking out, after finding that Lipstick Threat on Spencer’s mirror last week . . .

The girls immediately rip open the closet, and something falls on top of them, causing them all to scream. At this point, I got very excited. Unfortunately, it wasn’t anything cool, like severed head, or bloody knife, or even a mutilated Barbie doll. It was . . .wait for it . . . a tube of lipstick.

LAME!

Oh, and it wasn’t even a pretty lipstick, like the one illustrated above. It was an ugly ass hot pink lipstick, in a shade that was obviously created to be exclusively worn by airheaded teenage girls in 80’s movies.

Oops . . . she didn’t like that comment, did she?

Clearly, we were supposed to believe that the hot pink tube of crap hiding in Spencer’s closet was the same lipstick that “A” used to write on Spencer’s mirror. And yet, seeing as the writing on the mirror was BRIGHT RED, not pink, I just didn’t buy it.

Later, Hanna headed off to Sean’s parents’ dental office to receive her “punishment” for wrecking their car. Supposedly, the purpose of Hanna’s indentured servitude was to “pay” for the car’s repairs. However, I personally think, Sean’s parents had a more sinister reason for doing this. My theory is that Sean’s parents were hoping that Sean would take one look at Hanna in that hideous “Kitty Smock” uniform, and decide not to date the illustrious shoplifter / car thief, after all.

Please officer, I’d much prefer the orange jumpsuit and handcuffs, if you don’t mind. Purple cartoon cats ALWAYS make me look fat.

Granted, when I was little, I used to go to a dentist’s office, where all the hygienists wore outfits like Hanna’s. Back then, I thought they were the COOLEST shirts EVER! So, it’s possible that I am simply not the target demographic for the Kitty Smock. Who knows?

As Hanna rides the elevator on her way to work, who enters but . . . Creepy Blind Jenna!

And what does Jenna do as soon as she steps in the elevator for a three-second ride? Well, she does what everyone else does in that situation, of course! She puts on her lipstick!

Wait . . . are you telling me you DON’T put on lipstick while in a moving compartment, because you are afraid of THIS happening?

Yeah . . . me neither. But apparently BLIND Jenna does it ALL THE TIME!

Did I mention that she’s BLIND? Not that there is anything wrong with being BLIND, per se. It’s just that . . . well . . . why the heck is she LOOKING in the mirror to apply her LIPSTICK?

Hanna doesn’t seem bothered by this anomaly, at all, however. She is more concerned with the putrid color of lipstick Jenna is wearing. Lo and behold it’s the EXACT same UGLY ASS lipstick that the girls’ found in Spencer’s house that morning.

Jenna asks Hanna (who she can’t SEE, of course), if Hanna likes the lipstick she is wearing. Hanna, of course, lies through her teeth, fearing that if she tells the truth about how hideous Jenna’s lipstick is, the latter’s EVIL CANE of JUSTICE will break both her kneecaps.

Speaking of which, where the HECK was Jenna’s cane this week? Did she leave it in the same place as her good taste in lipstick? Speaking of “color coordination,” have you ever noticed that Jenna ALWAYS wears the same black outfit in every episode? Weird . . .

Anyway, after doing some pretty impressive snooping, Hanna later learns that Jenna was in the building seeing her therapist. Oh yes, boys and girls, Jenna goes to THERAPY! OMG! Now, if that doesn’t scream KILLER / STALKER, I don’t know what does! (Yeah, I’m being sarcastic, in case you haven’t figured it out by now.)

Later, Hanna is rewarded with even more juicy gossip, when she receives an instant message on her laptop from the mysterious “A,” one that contains . . . wait for it . . . another ATTACHMENT. This one actually made me giggle. Wanna see?

If you recall, SOMEONE made A BUTTLOAD of copies of those cheap photobooth makeout pictures that Emily and Maya produced a couple weeks back, seemingly for this exact purpose. Props to Hanna for not being the b*tch I thought she would be about this discovery. Not only did she not tell anyone else about what she learned. But when she spoke to Emily, she was actually really supportive — telling Emily that if she met someone who made her happy, whoever that person was, than that was all that mattered. She’s kind of growing on me, that Hanna . . .

Hanna gets rewarded for her kindness at the end of the episode, when she’s asked to the homecoming dance by the Almost Definitely Gay Sean. She didn’t think he would ask her, because she STOLE AND WRECKED HIS CAR! She also thought he had recently started dating this blonde chick who was driving him around everywhere. But really, Sean and the blonde chick were just attending some cult group meetings for RLW, which stands for Real Love Waits. Hanna’s so excited about the homecoming dance, she agrees to attend these cult meetings with him.

“I would LOVE to go to the dance with you, Honey! My last beard date TOTALLY cancelled out last minute.”

“Awesome! We should totally color coordinate! I found this lipstick in Spencer’s closet that would really complement both of our complexions . . .”

Relationships on the Rocks (Shaken, Not Stirred)

Poor Aria! If Hanna was getting LUCKY this week, with all her windfalls of juicy gossip, Aria was getting . . . well . . . SUCKY. For starters, after finding that letter from A about her father’s affair, Aria’s mother, understandably was on the rampage. Fortunately, she took the news maturely, and didn’t take it out on Aria, who had been forced by her father to keep the affair a secret for an entire year. But it still made dinner at the Montgomery house mighty awkward!

Douchey Daddy! Now we know why Hilary Swank left your ass!

Fortunately for Aria, at least, initially, she had her relationship with Mr. Fitz to fall back on. So, when Fitzy told her that he would be doing a lame short story reading gig that night, Aria jumped at the chance to go watch her beau in action. Randomly, the place where Fitzy did his reading looked suspiciously like a sports bar. Quite possibly, it was the SAME sports bar, where Aria and Fitzy did the deed in the potty during the pilot episode.

I KNEW I recognized that toilet!

If that last line about “balloons” was any indication, Fitzy’s writing was BAAAAD! But Aria wanted back in the Fitzy Pantalones so badly that she didn’t seem to notice. Someone else DID notice, however — namely, Fitzy’s BFF from college. I think his name was Artie or Marty or something. No matter, he was basically just there to toss out some good one-liners and screw things up between Aria and Fitzy . . .

“Happy lovers, have no fear! Sergeant C*ck Block is HERE!”

While Aria is sitting with the bromantic buddies, Artie / Marty / What’s His Face plays nice, regaling Aria on Fitzy’s “adorable” little quirks, such as laughing in his sleep. (Now that’s just plain creepy.) But when Aria leaves, Artie /Marty / What’s His Face really lets Fitzy have it for his underage fling. In fact, he falls just short of calling Poor Fitzy a child molester. The conversation irks Fitzy considerably. So much so, that he gives Aria the cold shoulder when she comes back to his place. Aria mends fences quickly, however, by making out with him, and seductively offering “more later.” Well played, Aria!

“I’m sure Artie / Marty / What’s His Face is great and all, but can he do THIS for you?”

Unfortunately for Aria, Artie / Marty / What’s His Face isn’t the only person trying to break up her relationship with Fitzy. When Aria returns to Fitzy’s apartment the next day, to retrieve her cell phone, he is LIVID with her over a text message she received from A about the pair’s relationship. Fitzy dumps Aria on the spot.

Expect LOTS of REALLY BAD poetry to come out of the loss of this relationship . . .

Love at First Mixtape

Creepy Toby was only SLIGHTLY less creepy this week. But the minor personality change was enough to make Oh-Golly-Gee-Please-Don’t-Let-Me-Be–a-Lesbian Emily take notice. As usual, Toby used his alone time with Emily as an opportunity to lecture her on “being herself” and “not caring what other’s think.” I swear this dude is like a walking After School Special . . . assuming the After School Special features the main character killing a girl in the shower, while dressed as his own mother.

From his conversations with Emily, we learn that Creepy Toby is an artist, and that he and Emily share the same taste in music. He offers to make her a mixtape. She offers to meet him for coffee.

The problem is that when Emily arrives at the ONE COFFEE SHOP IN TOWN, Hanna and Spencer are already there. So, Wimpy Emily, not wanting her friends to know she is dating the dude that very possibly could be A / Alison’s Killer, completely ignores Creepy Toby, and goes to sit with the girls instead.

Creepy Toby angrily stalks off, leaving the waitress at the coffee shop Emily’s mixtape, with instructions that she deliver it to Emily. The mixtape has a picture of Emily on the front cover — the gesture is either really sweet, or really disturbing, I haven’t decided which yet.

The next day, Emily seeks out Creepy Toby, in hopes of setting things right between them.

Is it merely a coincidence that when Emily finds him, Toby is reading The Catcher in the Rye, a book so commonly associated with serial killers that many libraries put a watch out on anyone who takes it out of the library? (No joke!) Why isn’t he reading To Kill a Mockingbird, like everyone else in that school?

Anyway, although clearly pissed with Emily, Creepy Toby quickly forgives her wimpiness he’ll chop her body into little tiny pieces and eat them, later. By way of apology, she gives him a mixtape. And even though it doesn’t have Toby’s picture drawn on it, Emily throws her OWN hat into the “Creepy Ring,” by cutting letters out of magazines to spell out “Toby’s Mix” on the CD cover — you know, like they do for ransom notes in the movies? It’s a Match Made in Disturbia between these two . . .

Spencer Whacks Some Balls . . . Her Father’s

Were you at all surprised that Spencer ended up winning the Golden Orchid award for her that paper on the Russian Revolution that she stole from her sister? I wasn’t. And neither was Spencer. She did feel guilty though, especially when her father, who has spent the entire first part of the season completely ignoring her, was suddenly showering her with positive attention. He even offered to take her to the country club to meet an important prospective client. Spencer and her dad were to play doubles with this prospective client and his daughter.

Spencer is so psyched about the opportunity to bond with her dad, that she races off to the tennis club to practice. There she meets not Wren Alex. The two flirt a bit, as Alex compliments Spencer on the take-charge manner in which she handles balls. But when the time comes for the match, Spencer’s dad insists that Spencer THROW the game, so that he can soften up the prospective client. Spencer reluctantly throws the match, and feels terrible about it.

To make matters worse, her new boy toy not Wren Alex sees the whole thing. He confronts Spencer about it, commiserating over the abundant pressure to “play games” in order to succeed in high society. Gutsy Ball Whacker Spencer decides to take the bull by the horns, and ask Alex out. He can barely contain his surprise and excitement, when he says yes. You GO GIRL THAT’S NOT WREN!

“Hey Alex, you remind me of someone. I can’t put my finger on who. How are you at doing British accents?”

Later that evening, Spencer’s father admits that, not only did he throw the match to woo this client, he also blamed his inability to get a table at the club on a “ball attendant” . . . namely, Alex. Spencer is LIVID! She tells her Dad off for his cheating ways, brilliantly ending the rant with a confession about stealing her sister’s paper. She sure showed him!

At the end of the episode, Spencer is seen heading out on a date with not Wren Alex. Apparently, Spencer isn’t only capable of whacking balls, she can juggle them as well.

That’s all I’ve got folks! Tune in next week when, hopefully, WREN IS BACK!