Enough with all the friggin arts and crafts, “A”? What’s next? A Pretty Little Liars Diorama that you explode in your microwave at the end of the episode?
This week, on the penultimate episode of Pretty Little Liars, we got even MORE evidence that “A” hates Hanna and Spencer WAY more than she (or he) hates Emily and Aria. I mean, let’s face it, aside from a bit of unfounded jealousy, Emily had a fairly stress-free episode, one that ended with her getting some serious nookie. And as for Aria . . . well . . . any problems SHE experienced this week arose from her own idiocy (SERIOUSLY!), and the douchebaggery of her dad and little brother, respectively. But Hanna and Spencer? Their lives are kind of sucking ASS right now, aren’t they?
Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
A+B = Spencer is SERIOUSLY SCREWED!
Kudos to the set designer for making Spencer’s room EXACTLY as we would expect it to be — sparsely decorated, obnoxiously spotless, and filled with every single solitary room organizing tool EVER sold on the Home Shopping Network . . .
Not so kudos to the WARDROBE department, for dressing Spencer in my favorite sweater from when I was 8-years old . . .
When the episode begins, Spencer and Emily have just arrived home from school. Spencer is bitching about how her distractions at home are starting to impact her ability to understand Algebra. How can possibly she figure out the value for “X”, when she has suddenly become the “X” factor in her own life?
It’s a true dilemma!
Now, maybe I’m being nitpicky, but two things surprised me about this scene: (1) The Academically Elite Spencer is taking Algebra her junior year. (Shouldn’t she be in Pre-Calculus or Advanced Placement Geometry, or some other class for mathletes, like herself?) (2) Spencer and Emily are in the same math class. (Don’t get me wrong. Emily seems like a total sweetheart. And she may even have more common sense than some of the other Pretty Little Liars *cough Aria cough.* But Little Miss Future Olympic Swimmer just never quite struck me as the academic overachieving type.)
Anyway . . . Spencer’s mom rushes downstairs to warn Spencer that the police obtained a warrant to search the Hastings home, and, specifically, Spencer’s room, for evidence linking her to Alison’s death. Spencer, understandably horrified and frightened, asks her attorney mother to make the police leave. Unfortunately, the warrant gives the police a right to be there. So, Spencer’s mom’s hands are tied.
As the police are searching Spencer’s room, Creepy Pedo Ian (who never seems to leave the house, forever lingering, like the smell of mildew on an overused sponge) further expemplifies his creepiness and pedophilia, by smirking at Spencer’s bed, and slowly / seductively drinking MILK from a glass . . .
Milk . . . it does a body creepy . . .
For Heaven Sakes Aria, THINK before you TEXT!
“Uh oh! It looks like I accidentally deleted “My Brain” from my “Contacts” list. I guess I’ll just have to make do without it, this week!”
So, Aria’s parents have been sneaking around, not wanting to tell their kids their back together, until they can be sure their renewed courtship is “REAL.” Zzzzzzzzzzz . . . And I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .
NEWSFLASH PLL Writers: We don’t care about THESE TWO as a couple! NOBODY ships Ella and Byron! NOBODY! So, stopping rubbing this storyline in our faces, PLEASE!
Since Aria already CAUGHT her parents macking in the library (ICK!), and her little brother seems to have also caught them in the act this morning, Montgomery Ma and Pa decide that the family should get together for dinner later that week to “discuss things.”
But lest you think this storyline won’t be funny at all, THIS happens . . .
In case you didn’t catch that, here’s what Aria wrote: “Thinking of your eyes. How I want to be looking into them right now. This second. XO Aria.” — AKA The LAMEST SEXT EVER!
And then THIS happens . . .
OK . . . so we know that Aria was sending a text to her FITZY (who was noticeably absent this week), and sent it to her MOM instead. Now, here’s what I don’t understand. Personally, my mother is listed in MY cell phone Contacts Lists as “Mom.” But I can understand how some folks cooler than myself (and Aria’s definitely cooler than I am) would put their Mom in their Contacts List under her first name.
And, if Aria did this, then, YES, “Ella” would be close to “Ezra” on her list. These names would probably even be next to one another on MOST people’s cell phones. But NOT on ARIA’S phone . . . because she has “EMILY” as a contact. DUH!
“What am I? Chopped LIVER?”
So, it’s kind of hard for me to believe that Aria “accidentally” skipped over TWO names to send a text to the VERY wrong person. I mean, it’s not like she was drunk or anything . . . Or was she? 😉
Careful, Aria! Drink more of that, and you may text us all of your secrets!
At the end of the day, Aria’s mom confronts Aria about the Phantom Text. But Aria refuses to confess the textee’s identity, wryly noting that family members should be entitled to their privacy.
like, for example, the ability to privately bone your husband in a school library. Aria’s mom reluctantly accepts her daughter’s wishes, which makes her seem about ten times cooler, in my book., than she ever did before.
But then EEEEVVVVIL hypocrite Papa Montgomerycomes along.
When he hears that Aria has a secret boyfriend, he ABSOLUTELY thinks he has a right to know that person’s identity
so that he can try to score a date with the guy, himself. To make matters even douchier, while Aria is out of the house, her dad starts snooping around her room for clues. He ALMOST comes upon a book that Ezra personally inscribed for Aria, when Aria’s mom stops him. (Wow, I’m really liking her this week. Weird!)
Taking a lesson in sarcasm, and passive aggressiveness, from her daughter, Aria’s mom casually notes that maybe her daughter wouldn’t think it necessary to keep secrets from her family, were it not for her own father secretly whoring around with one of his students. Aria’s dad, of course, is TOTALLY offended by this, and refuses to admit to his own wrong doing. Aria’s little brother then walks in on the pair fighting, and, COMPLETELY blames Aria for it. Because, apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Douchey Tree . . .
“Douchey is as douchey does, sir.”
Aria’s brother wants Aria to singlehandedly fix their parents’ marriage, since her having a secret boyfriend is OBVIOUSLY the reason it’s broken, and not the whole “Dad’s a Cheating Deadbeat” thing. But, before Aria can make up a fake boyfriend to tell her parents about, she and her brother head down to Family Dinner, to find out that their Mom is a no show . . . again.
Way to suck up your pride, and put on a brave face for your kids, ARIA’S MOM! I guess I spoke too soon when I said I like you . . . On the other hand, you can do WAYYYYY better than Aria’s Asshat of a DAD . . . So, I’m kind of torn . . .
Knowing that she has to STOP being such a MORON when it comes to appropriately hiding her inappropriate relationship with her teacher, Aria decides to hide all her Fitzy Memorabilia (Fitzyabilia?) with Emily for safe keeping . . . The ironic thing, of course, is that MOST of the stuff she gives to Emily, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would trace to Fitzy. Case in point, THIS . . .
Really Aria? A PLASTIC SPOON from your first date? What exactly do you think your parents are going to do with THAT? Swab it for DNA?
Now, for all you Ian Harding fans out there who found yourself missing your Fitzy Fix this week, I’ve got a little surprise for you . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! Apparently, Fitzy tweets now! And you can catch all his Fitz-alicious goodness right here: http://twitter.com/IANMHARDING
(So, don’t say I never gave you anything, Fitzy fans!)
Falling Out of the Closet
In completely unrelated news (actually, all four stories were, pretty much, unrelated to one another, this week), Emily spied Back-to Bad-Haircut Paige flirting with Dull as Dishwater Sean . . .
And Emily was MAJORLY JEALOUS, even though (1) Paige is SO OBVIOUSLY gay; and (2) even if Paige was straight, she’d never, go for a lame-o like Sean! (Sure, Hanna did it once, but only because she was feeling chubby and insecure, at the time.)
Later, Sean asks Emily if Paige is single, and if she could put in a good word for him. He did this, despite the fact, that as one of Hanna’s besties
(and someone who watches PLL), Emily should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO “good words” to say about Sean . . .
But because Emily is a much nicer person than I am, she simply tells Seany-poo that her and Paige aren’t really friends. So, she’s not really in the position to help Sean get laid by her. SORRY!
But because they ARE actually friends (with benefits), Emily warns Paige that she thinks Sean is going to ask her out. So, Paige should come up with a good excuse as to why she can’t date him NOW, and let him down easy.
The problem is that Sean already ASKED out Paige . . . and she . . . wait for it . . . said YES!
Needless to say, Emily is pretty depressed about this news . . .
“I am pretty depressed about this news.”
That is . . . until Paige comes right to Emily’s house, fresh from her “date,” all tarted-up and ready for a Booty Call . . .
I get why she wore THIS to the karaoke bar, but why Paige wore a super sparkly stripper dress on a Group Date to the Movies is beyond me . . . Wardrobe Department FAIL!
Surprise, surprise! Paige doesn’t like Sean. (NO ONE DOES!) In fact, the sheer awfulness of macking with that lame-o, has the impact of THROWING PAIGE RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET! (Who says, a kiss is just a kiss? Right!)
And I have to say, I really feel for Paige, as she contemplates the prospect of coming out with Emily. Her eyes tear up. Her lip quivers. She is clearly terrified. The actress, Lindsay Shaw, portrays Paige’s heart-wrenching range of emotions beautifully; I must say. It’s not HER fault she has a bad stylist . . .
“If I say it out loud, my whole world will change,” Paige explains sadly.
I love how patient and sensitive Emily is with Paige, when a lesser person, would probably be tossing out smug “I told you so’s” left and right. in her situation. “I didn’t come out of the closet. I fell out on my face,” Emily explains adorably.
Then, Emily tells her Next Fling, that, back when she was trying to be straight, she always went for guys just like Paige . . . Domestic Abusers?
Then the pair sit together on Emily’s little window seat, hold hands, and kiss . . .
And I must admit that these two are starting to grow on me. But I still want Paige to get a haircut . . . and a stylist . . .
Don’t MESS with Hanna Marin!
Back at the Marin home, Hanna and Caleb are making breakfast AGAIN, and flirting AGAIN, just like any good couple, who just had sex for the first time, would be. Then Caleb leaves for a moment. So, Hanna takes the opportunity to go digging in his bag for
What she finds is the UGLIEST, MOST TACKY, owl necklace I have EVER SEEN!
And yet, Hanna is completely BLIND to the hideousness of this owl, as she is convinced that it is a Secret Gift from Caleb to her. After all, they did see OWLS on the night they screwed!
So, she snaps a picture of it, and brags to her friends about the
awful generous gift her boyfriend is about to give her.
But all is not well in Haleb land. We learn this, when Aria and Emily overhear Caleb talking on the phone with a woman who APPEARS to be his ex-girlfriend, who is stalking him. He keeps telling the girl on the phone that he “can’t do this anymore,” because he is living at “her” (Hanna’s) house.
“Peekaboo! We see you!”
Being the good pals that they are, Emily and Aria immediately confront Hanna about what they learned. Hanna gets VERY defensive. Caleb can’t be a liar! Because Hanna would NEVER have sex with a liar . . . would she? As if on cue, Blind Jenna arrives wearing around her neck . . . you guessed it . . . that UGLY ASS OWL NECKLACE . . .
Now it’s Super Sleuthing Spencer’s turn to STALK! She follows Blind Jenna outside, and sees her using the Ugly Owl Necklace as a Flashdrive . . .
So, basically, Caleb gave the Ugly Owl Necklace to Blind Jenna, NOT because he’s boning her, and NOT because he has terrible taste, but because he’s feeding her information . . .
When Hanna hears this, she astutely recalls how Toby heard Jenna talking on the phone about the number 214, and tries that combination on Caleb’s locker . . .
Let’s ignore the fact that the picture shows Hanna stopping at number “5” instead of “4”
Surprise! Surprise! Caleb’s locker OPENS!
Inside ,she finds . . . wads and wads of CASH . . . just hanging out . . . waiting to be discovered . . . or stolen. (COME ON, CALEB! We know you’re POOR, but I seriously doubt you don’t own an envelope, in which to stash your dirty money. I’m sure the school has plenty in the main office, for you to steal.)
At home, Hanna confronts Caleb about what she learned . . .
Caleb reluctantly admits to “spying” on Hanna (So, THAT’s what the kids are calling it these days . . . “spying”) for cash from Blind Jenna. Her Blindness apparently, not only bribed Caleb, but blackmailed him as well, after finding out how he rigged Emily’s phone, so that she could get illegal calls into Maya at De-Gaying Camp. Screwing for money . . . that makes you a whore, Caleb . . .
But Caleb insists that his feelings for Hanna are real. And that he stopped working for Jenna the minute his hot dog went inside Hanna’s bun. All the information he gave Jenna on that flash drive was false.
Unfortunately for Caleb, Hanna doesn’t give two sh*ts. She hands the Dirty Dog his bags, and kicks him out into the street. Harsh! Hope you like that park bench, Caleb! Because something tells me that you might be living there for awhile!
Back at school, the PLL’s are admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror. (Is it just me, or do all these girls spend a TON of time in bathrooms, and in front of mirrors?). Then, they hear a familiar noise . . . it sounds like thunder clapping in the night. It sounds like the End of the World. It is . . . Blind Jenna’s CANE OF DESTRUCTION!
Thinking fast, Hanna traps Blind Jenna right in front of . . . you guessed it . . . the bathroom mirror. (Again . . .why are you always LOOKING at yourself in the mirror, Blind Jenna?)
Sensing someone behind her, Blind Jenna tenses up, and slowly turns around. Then THIS happens . . .
My sentiments exactly . . .
Then, Hanna, reminding us of the Mean Girl she was for the first three or four episodes of this show, cooly hands Blind Jenna back her glasses, and tells her, without emotion, “It’s Hanna . . . in case you couldn’t guess.”
Well, that’s gotta suck . . .
At home, in the comfort of her bathroom (Where else?), Hanna begins to mull over her lost first love, and lost diginity. She then finally breaks down in tears. From outside the door, Hanna’s mom listens to her daughter sobbing. She wants desperately to soothe her pain. Yet, she doesn’t know how . . .
The final scene of the episode features “A” LITERALLY smashing Hanna’s glass heart to bits, and mailing it back to her, along with some glue. Next time, try for a metaphor that’s a bit less obvious, A!
The Walls Close in on Spencer . . .
As I mentioned earlier, Hanna is not the only miserable Pretty Little Liar this week. Poor Spencer has a police investigation looming over her head. Fortunately, she’s made a new “friend” who knows EXACTLY what she’s going through. Of course, I’m referring to the Character Formerly Referred to as Creepy Toby, Now Abs Toby.
When Toby comes over to visit, he warns Spencer that cops are staking out her house. She replies, by telling him that he probably shouldn’t be seen with her, now that’s she’s, like, wanted for murder . . . and stuff. But Abs Toby is not that easily deterred . . . “People cross the street when they see me coming. They think you tried to frame your brother-in-law for your friends’ murder. Who else are we going to hang out with?” Abs Toby inquires, quite rationally, I think.
A real pro at being watched by the cops, Toby cleverly instructs Spencer to go outside, and offer the Stake Out Crew cups of coffee, in order to show them that (1) she knows they are there; and (2) she is not afraid of them. Seeing as this was probably the SAME Stake Out Crew that used to hang out outside Toby’s house, I’d say these guys are starting to consider Free Coffee a regular job perk. Of course, they’d all probably much prefer staking out Hanna’s house. Because there, Hanna’s mom shows them that “she knows they are there, and “is not afraid of them”, by giving them Free Sex . . .
And sex ALWAYS beats coffee . . .
Anyway . . . Spencer and Abs Toby share a sweet moment, in which Spencer asks Toby about the time she saw him sitting in an alley, after he ran away from home . . .
Apparently, running away is kind of a regular occurrence for Abs Toby. As for Spencer, she only away once, back when she was little. Her and her sister had been in a fight, and her parents took her sister’s side, as per usual. So, Spencer made a tuna sandwich, and escaped to the movies. (Resourceful little girl, that one! Sure beats hanging out in a dirty alleyway!) But then, she got lonely, and went home. Her self-absorbed family never even REALIZED their little girl was gone! (Family FAIL!)
Abs Toby looks at Spencer with obvious adoration and sympathy, and, grabbing her hand, makes her promise him that, if she ever wants to run away again, she will call him first. All together now . . . “AWWWWWWWWWW!”
By the way, speaking of Spencer’s absentee fam, how come nobody seems to notice that Melissa keeps randomly disappearing for episodes at a time, while Creepy Pedo Ian just sticks around, like the fungus he cleary is! My theory: Creepy Pedo Ian killed Melissa, chopped her up into itty pieces, put them in a blender, then drank them up . . . like a milkshake . . .
“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”
As for Creepy Pedo Ian, he’s looking extra special spooky, as he waits in the dark for Spencer to emerge from her late night run.
Apparently, Creepy Pedo Ian wants to help Spencer run away from home (Am I noticing a THEME here?), so that
he can grow his hair long, assume Spencer’s identity, and kill all her friends, while dressed as her the cops can’t arrest her.
“I can’t BELIEVE I thought you were cute in Final Destination 3!”
Spencer knows that this will make her look SUPER guilty, which, obviously, is exacty what Creepy Pedo Ian wants. So, she tells him to stick his runaway plan . . . and his milk . . . where the sun don’t shine.
But just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Spencer’s mom wakes her up in the middle of the night, and tells her that the police found fibers of Toby’s Puke Green Sweater / Alison’s Death Outfit on that cheapo name bracelet Alison gave Spencer gave Spencer, before she died. “I think someone is going through a great deal of trouble to make you look guilty,” Spencer’s mom, never one to sugar coat things, admits.
Mother and daughter then share a tearful and heartbreaking hug, as the curtain closes on this, the penultimate episode, of Pretty Little Liars . . .
See you after the finale!