Is this a bad time? – A Recap of the Mid-Season Premiere of Pretty Little Liars, “She’s Better Now”

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Hola, my Pretties!  And welcome back to Rosewood, a town where everybody knows your nAme, and nobody ever uses  a lowercase “A”.  . .

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“Is this a bad time?”  Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.

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I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”

And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time.  For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA.  There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .

There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.

Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby.  I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.

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Oh, and Aria?  There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .

Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me.  Like This Guy . . .

Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?

Grand Theft Toby

It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.

This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.

In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude!  You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .

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You weren’t really planning on using that Big Toe, anyway, were you, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude?

“Please stick a fork in my neck”

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It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls.  Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much.  Sound over protective?  Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .

Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast.  No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life!  I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .

All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died.  For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .

His shirts are also way too tight.

But that’s not all.   The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government.  And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!

Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?

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Talk about history!

Is it any wonder Aria is talking about gouging herself with eating utensils?

Speaking of Bad Days . . .

MOOOOOOve over Mona !

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True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain.  It was slimy, and smelled bad.  Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.

Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.

“Is that a brain?”  Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.

Good call, Hanna!  I thought it was a cupcake!

Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all.  Maybe nobody will notice!  Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!

But Mona will not go quietly.  Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway.  Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.

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“What’s the matter?  Never seen a brainy girl before?”

In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .

After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway.  Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily.  Poor Lucas!  It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!

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Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this?  I miss that!

Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident.  It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.

Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:

Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera?  Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.

But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night.  You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail?  Good times.

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She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop.  You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews!  Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there.  “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.

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Poor Lucas.  He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team.  He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards.  Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her.  I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.  Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

Meanwhile, outside the school . . .

Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors

Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain?  It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.

And you would  think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES.  But nope!  B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.

“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.

You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades.  They come in many shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .

Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.

Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask!  I missed you . . .

Again, who the heck runs security at this school?  It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!

No offense, Fitzy .  . .

And Aria’s mom . . .

I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor,  and try to hide, when they are almost discovered.  Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .

I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence.  Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .

Hit me with a baby one more time . . .

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Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.

Ruh ROH!  I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all.  Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it.  (I don’t know.  That seems like kind of a waste to me.  Those gift bags are expensive!)

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy.  After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .

Hot Tub Time Machine

Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple?  When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?

Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run.  And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders.  The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.

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Thanks a lot, writers!

That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian.  Talk about sleeping with the enemy!

Pretty Little Cheaters

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As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props.   Did they ever finish the race?  Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line?  Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this!  And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!

Now that’s just rude!

That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons.  Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission.  Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.

And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty.  But more on that, in just a bit . . .

Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface .  . . oh, wait, we already knew that?

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This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room.  (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)

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We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.

Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old.  He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!

You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad?  Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event.  (That’s right.  It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary.  The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen!  HILARIOUS.  Too bad she survived.)

Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you  . . .

Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen.  I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up.  Better luck next time . . .

Speaking of Skeevy . . .

Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together.  (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?)  She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy.  Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.

Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along?  Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween?  Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

And finally . . .

In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker.  (That’s funny.  I was certain she put that in herself?)

This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show.  Be afraid, Teens!  Be very afraid . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Managing Expect-A-tions – A Review of Pretty Little Liar’s Season 2 Finale “UnmAsked”

[Brief note: This post is simply a “review of” and “reaction to” “UnmAsked.”  A full recap will follow . . . eventually. :)]

Strait jackets .  . . all the cool psychopaths are wearing them . . . 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, PLL wrapped up its sophomore season with a season finale that was arguably as polarizing as “A” herself.  Thousands of frustrated fans flooded the message boards, Twitter, and YouTube to express their discontent with the way the season concluded.

Meanwhile, others rushed to defend the controversial choices made by the writers and producers.

The source of this controversy, of course, was the identity of “A” . . . the technologically savvy, ridiculously snarky, and seemingly omniscient super villain, who had been torturing the titular Pretty Little Liars, since the pilot episode.

And while I suspect a large number of fans were surprised by the reveal, it wasn’t necessarily for the reasons the writers intended . . .

Truth be told, this was far from the first time a television series that had been based on a book series chose to remain faithful to some of those novels’ main plot points.  Many television shows have successfully done this, without provoking the inevitable ire of the fandom.  Back in 2008, True Blood was applauded for its faithfulness to the murder mystery storyline that comprised the first book of the Sookie Stackhouse book series (serial killer included).

A season later, they were applauded again for creatively diverting from those same books, in order to save the life of a beloved character, who notoriously met his demise on the first few pages of the series’ second novel.

More recently, in 2011, the producers of Game of Thrones received critical acclaim for their almost slavish loyalty to the book series on which it was based.  Critics particularly appreciated the show’s courageous decapitation of the show’s main character, a moral and mostly likeable protagonist, who also happened to be played by a rather well-known and popular actor.

So what made PLL the high school outcast of this group?

The difference in this situation, I think, was that the producers, writers, and cast of PLL failed to properly manage expectations regarding what viewers could expect to see in the season’s final episode.  In what was undoubtedly an attempt at last-minute damage control, Pretty Little Liars showrunner, Marlene King, assured fans that she had never explicitly told fans that the identity of “A” would be different from who it was in the books.  And yet, when countless articles, and press releases, like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE posited this very theory as stemming directly from King, herself, she never exactly disabused fans of this notion, either.

So, when Mona van der Waal acted so RIDICULOUSLY guilty, throughout the show’s second season, that she all but wore a neon sign on her back that said, “I AM A,” recappers and reviewers, like myself, pointedly avoided listing her as our main suspect, simply because we took for granted the fact that the writers weren’t going to go there.

 

So, when they did, in fact, go there, we couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed and betrayed.

And that’s a shame, because it undermined the integrity of what was, by many other respects, a pretty solid finale episode.

Truth be told, of all the possible “A” suspects — with the exception of, perhaps, Not-so-Blind Jenna, and maybe Lucas — Mona had the best motive to be “A.”  After all, she had been shamelessly tortured by Ali throughout most of high school, while the rest of the PLL girls stood idly by, and let it happen.

To make matters worse, Hanna, Mona’s self-proclaimed “one true friend,” has been noticeably distant from Mona, throughout the series, consistently ditching her to engage in “A-Sleuthing” with the rest of the liars . . . (of course, it could be argued that Hanna’s recent absence from her life was actually MONA’S fault).

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And yet, I would have liked to see the producers push the boundaries a bit, by not necessarily going with the most obvious choice for “A.”

We’ve seen the writers take chances like this, earlier in the series, in a number of ways: by introducing new characters, who weren’t in the books, choosing not to kill characters who died in the books, and, in one particular instance, killing a character who DID survive the series.  So, why not do it again, in this instance, by changing the identity of “A” to someone unexpected . . . someone who seemed a bit less . . . for lack of a better term . . . shady?

Or, conversely, I would have liked for the writers to simply be honest about the direction in which the story was headed, by saying something like this: “There are some aspects of the television series that pay homage to the books.  But even faithful book readers will find some surprises in store for them in the season finale.”

This, at least, is a true, and non-misleading, statement.  After all, the finale DID have some surprises contained within it, even for fans of the book series . . .

Unlike a lot of other series’ season finales, which tend to be slow-moving and uneventful, until the last ten minutes of the episode, “UnmAsked” definitely FELT like a season finale.  The episode moved a long at a brisk pace, throughout the hour.

And the genuinely creepy locales where the drama unfolded . . .  for example, the Psycho-inspired motel (complete with its very own Norman Bates, lookalike) and accompanying Shower Scene . . .

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 . . .  the Masquerade Ball filled with strangers and unsavory looking characters . . .

. . .  the abandoned road on a dark and stormy night, A’s “Lair” which looked like it would have been right at home in the first hour of any episode of Law and Order, SVU . . .

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 . . . only added to the building excitement, and unshakeable feeling of impending doom.

I was also really impressed with the acting in this episode.  As the unhinged Mona, Janel Parrish was just the right mix of campy crazy, unintentionally hilarious, and genuinely terrifying.

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Hanna’s shock and sadness at learning her so-called bestie was a total wackadoodle, who HIT HER WITH A CAR, felt real to me.

Shay Mitchell’s Emily literally had me in tears, during the episodes heartbreaking final moments . . . And this is coming from someone who was never a Maya fan.

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(I also adored the parallel between the pilot episode’s Body Discovery, and this one.  That background song they played during both, will haunt me for the rest of my days . . .)

And who could forget the unbeatable Team Sparia, who provided the episode’s only evidence of comic relief . . . not to mention a nice nod to a certain segment of the fandom?

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Speaking of ships,  fans of Ezria . . .

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Spoby . . .

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  . . . and Haleb . . .

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 . . .  all had something to cheer about, when the aforementioned couples each received their respective Happily Ever Afters Nows, this week.

Of course, I still wanted my Wren to make an appearance . . . (Damn you, writers!  DAMN YOU!)

And while the episode did answer some of the major questions plaguing fans throughout the series, it also presented us with plenty of new ones to get us excited for the upcoming third season (which is set to premiere this summer).  Here are just some of the questions that were swimming around my head, after “UnmAsked” concluded:

(1) Who exactly is on the A Team?

Was Mona REALLY it’s leader?

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 (And why didn’t Spencer “join it,” when she was given the chance?  I mean, wouldn’t that have been the perfect way to keep your ENEMIES CLOSER?)

(2) Which mysterious female dressed as The Black Swan at the Masquerade Ball?

(3) Who was Not-so-Blind Jenna talking to in the park, and what mysterious item did she give her (because it looked much too small to be the Black Swan costume)?  And WHEN DID SHE GET HER DRIVER’S LICENSE?

(4) What the F is the deal between Abs Toby and Dr. Sullivan (a.k.a. as the lame shrink who got scared out of town by an eighty pound high schooler?  Is he her son, or what?  How much did they know about what was going on?  And why was it necessary for Toby to “pretend he didn’t love Spencer?”

(5) Who exactly was the creepy chick with the red dess and gold mask at the Masquerade Ball?

And was she the same creepy chick who visited Mona in the loony bin, at the end of the episode?

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(6) Does Mona’s have Supernatural Powers, which enabled her to BEAT UP Spencer and Emily, on separate occasions, and CARRY SPENCER INTO A CAR?  (Oh and how lame was Dr. Sullivan’s explanation of her PSYCHOSIS?  How exactly does being a psychopath, make you seem omniscient to OTHER PEOPLE?  Where exactly did this b*tch go to shrink school anyway, Dunkin Donuts?)

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(7) Did the flashback featuring Mona and “Ali” dressed as Vivian Darkbloom actually happen?  Did “Ali” really not pick up the phone, when Mona called her, like Mona said?  Or was being “A” the price Mona paid for her so-called popularity?

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(8)Who killed Maya (assuming Maya is actually dead) and why?

(9) And, perhaps, most importantly, “WHERE’S MY WREN?”

So, tell me, my Pretties, what were your thoughts on the Season 2 finale?  Were you disappointed that Mona was “A?”  What are your expectations for next season, in light of some of the cliffhangers / new mysteries introduced here?  Feel free to vent to your heart’s content, in the comment section below.  I’ll see you there!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Follow me . . . End up like me.” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “If These Dolls Could Talk.”

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Thank you, PLL, for reawakening my childhood fear of being murdered in my sleep by my neighbor’s Ugly Doll Collection . . .

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of PLL was definitely not for the faint of heart.  It featured ghosts . . . things that go bump in the night . . . ugly evil demon dolls . . . ugly evil demon kids . . . old ladies that talk like the witch from The Wizard of Oz . . . one VERY dead fly, the sister from hell, and worst of all, MONA KISSING CALEB!

 But those of you who watched the episode hidden behind pillows, or with your hands covering your eyes, did so at your peril.  After all, next week’s episode features A’s big reveal.  And that means this one was chock full of clues as to his or her true identity.  So, be brave, my Pretties.  And follow me toward another Pretty Little Recap . .  .

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Better ease up on those pain meds, Spencer . . .

Oh, dear, sweet, sexy accented Dr. Wren!  Not only are you insanely easy on the eyes, you also dole out the GOOD pain meds to your girlfriends . . . even though the only injury they’ve suffered recently is getting a few sprigs of glass in their palms.

“Your love is my drug, Doctor . . .” 

We begin this episode with the usually-uber-alert Spencer, passed out and drooling, on the Hastings’ living room couch.  Suddenly, there is a loud crash in the living room, followed by the sound of someone noisily thumbing through Spencer’s purse.  As it turns out, that someone just so happens to be Dead Ali (who we would expect to be a lot more stealthy, given all we know about her).

Not to mention the fact that . . . oh, I don’t know . . . she’s DEAD!

This is actually the third time we’ve seen Ali appear to one of the girls, while they are in a “less than sober” state.  The first time we experienced this was with Hanna, when she was in the hospital, after having been hit by A’s car.

The second time, it was Emily’s turn, when “A” locked her in a garage, and she asphixiated on the fumes.  (Don’t be surprised if Aria ends up with a concussion, next week, after some rough sex with Fitzy goes south, so that she can see Ali too . . .)

What’s intriguing about all these Beyond the Grave exchanges is that, as the viewer, you are never 100% sure they are the hallucination they claim to be.  After all, following these sequences, Ali always seems to leave the “sleeper” in question, with some sort of souvenir of her presence.  And yet, since the Liar in question believes herself to be dreaming, she never gets the opportunity to ask “Ali” the questions she would likely ask her, had she encountered her in a more lucid state.

Take for example Spencer, our resident super sleuth.  She is so frustratingly dense, during this exchange with Ali, I nearly threw my shoe at the television.

And because she failed to ask “Ali” a single pertinent question, throughout the entire exchange, it was up to Ali, herself, to offer the cryptic comments and clues we will inevitably be analyzing, this week.  Proponents of the “Melissa is A” theory, will undoubtedly harp on Ali’s comment that Spencer “deserves a good sister,” thereby not-so-subtly implying that Melissa is NOT one.  Well, I could have told you that . . .

Best  . . . sister . . .  EVER! 

And yet, merely being a horrible person, with a terrible personality, and few redeeming qualities, doesn’t necessarily make you a murderer . . . nor does it make you a relentless stalker of your little sister and her friends.  Does it?

More intriguing, to me, anyway, was THIS comment  . . .

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 I thought Ali’s choice of the word “parked” was a rather unusual one. It’s just not the type of phrasing you would expect a teen like Ali to use . . . It’s kind of old-fashioned, and, for lack of a better term, “nerdy.”  Given that, I can’t help put think that Ali used the word “parked” specifically to make reference to a certain car . . .

The most obvious car reference would seem to point to Police Boy Garrett, who’s car was most recently spotted in front of Not-so-Blind Jenna’s house, and has literally seemed to follow Spencer everywhere she goes this season.  But it also could be referring to the car Spence purchased for Toby.  If you recall, Toby returned this car to Spencer’s driveway, when he left town.  And, as far as we know, he hasn’t retrieved it yet.

Another car that played a major role in the series was the one that hit Hanna at Mona’s party, back in Season 1.  And of course, we can’t forget Fitzy’s car, site for many a passionate make out session, throughout the course of the show . . .

Ali’s parting words to Spencer were that she was “getting warmer,” which I guess, after two season of seemingly endless wrong turns, on Spencer’s part, regarding this mystery, must be nice to hear.

I mentioned earlier that Ali always seems to leave something behind following these “dream sequences,” that causes the Little Liar, as well as the viewer to question whether the scene actually occurred in real life.  This time, however, it wasn’t what Ali LEFT BEHIND that was important, but, rather, what she took.  Presumably, Spencer’s pain medications were in her purse when she fell asleep.  And yet, when she wakes up, not only are they on the counter in front of her, they also seem to be a couple of pills short.  Oh Ali . . . don’t you know abusing drugs could kill you?  Er . . . nevermind . . . pill pop away, Pretty Little Corpse .  . .

In which Emily, Hanna, and Aria’s parents all get BUSTED . . .

It’s a bad day for being sneaky, this week, on PLL . . . a lesson Emily, Hanna and Aria’s parents all learn the hard way, when they try unsuccessfully to hide pertinent information from their friends and lovers.  First up is Emily, who receives an angry, “How could you rat me out to my parents?” type text from the still-missing Maya.

OK . . . now I’m positive something is fishy about her disappearance.  First of all, how would Maya know that Emily had contacted her parents, if said parents had no way of reaching her, since even Emily couldn’t pinpoint her exact location?  Second of all, why is Maya texting Emily from her own cell phone?  Isn’t she the least bit concerned that Emily will trace the call, and tell her parents exactly where she’s hiding?  It just seems odd that Maya felt the need to send an e-mail from an “Undisclosed Sender,” and yet seems more than willing to use her actual phone to send a text.

My theory?  “A” has Maya’s cell phone, and she’s been the one sending messages to Emily.  But, if that’s true, where’s Maya?

Speaking of cell phones, Hanna gets busted for disobeying her mother’s implied “no cell phone” rule, when she stupidly fails to keep the darn thing on vibrate, while hanging out in the Marin kitchen . . . with her mother.

Hey, nobody ever said Hanna was the sharpest tool in the shed, right?  I have to say, for a character who’s supposedly “good at lying,” Hanna really botched this one.  It would have been easy for her to simply say she had been holding on to a friend’s phone, and forgot to return it.  But instead, her excuse is, “Mona needs to keep in touch with me?”

Well . . . I guess that one’s actually kind of true . . . particularly, if Mona ends up being “A,” which I really hope she isn’t, because BOOOO-RRRING.

And yet, as annoyed as Mama Marin might be with her daughter’s deception, she can’t quite justify confiscating a phone for which she (1) didn’t pay for; and (2) isn’t footing the monthly bill.  So, instead, Mama Marin simply rolls her eyes, mutters under her breath, and sends her daughter off to school.

In other parental unit news, Aria inadvertently learns her parents want to ship her off to a Fitzy-free boarding school in Vermont, upon finding a telltale application on her mother’s desk, at school.  Understandably, the littlest liar is livid.

You could feel the tension in the Montgomery home, as Aria clomps around in her wedge shoes, passive aggressively avoiding her mother’s attempts at casual conversation.

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Now, while Aria might be the best liar of the foursome, she’s definitely not the most adept at hiding her feelings.  So, of course, it isn’t long before the pint-sized brunette is letting Mommy Dearest know exactly what she thinks about the whole “let’s ship Aria off to boarding school” plan.  It’s a terrible idea.  And I think, deep down both of Aria’s parents know it.  Even if we take at face value Mama Montgomery’s statement that the decision was not based solely on Aria’s determination to continue dating Fitzy, applying for a school a thousand miles away, isn’t exactly the kind of thing you do for a sixteen year old, without broaching the matter with her first.

While I think most PLL fans agreed wholeheartedly with Aria that her parents were in the wrong, in terms of how they addressed this situation, I was surprised by how divided the fanbase was, regarding how Aria ultimately responded.  In a move that would have made Expert Blackmailer “A” proud, Aria venomously threatened to expose her father’s erstwhile affair with a student, should the Montgomerys decide to actually ship her off to boarding school.

Having perused the message boards a bit, following the episode, I noticed that while a good number of you applauded Aria for standing up to her parents, and blatantly exposing their hypocrisy (particularly her father’s).

There was also an equal number of you who thought Aria took things much too far.  You were shocked by her seeming willingness to put her boyfriend before her father’s career, and her family’s financial stability.

In Aria’s defense, I don’t think Aria had any intention of actually ratting out her father . . . just as I don’t think Aria’s parents would have ever gone through with their plans to ship her off to boarding school, without first discussing the matter with her.  Rather, I think Aria made her threat predominately out of anger, and also as a way of making herself be heard, by two people (again more-so her father than her mother) who have made a habit out of not listening to her point of view.

*insert hissing noise* 

Regardless of Aria’s true intentions, the Montgomery’s were clearly crushed by what they viewed as their daughter’s betrayal.  Mama Montgomery even went so far as to say she was ASHAMED of Aria, which, as any one who has a parent can tell you, is about the most hurtful thing a parent can say to his or her kid.

Throughout these past two seasons, the Montgomery family’s relationships with one another have continuously disintegrated.  What we have now is a family in crisis . . .

But hey, at least we’re getting laid, right? 😉

To catch a predator (by making out with your best friend’s boyfriend) . . .

Oh Mona!  If you are going to go through the trouble of sending yourself fake text messages from “A” (which most of us assume is what she’s doing, whether or not it’s because she’s actually “A” herself, or simply out of desperation to be the unofficial fifth liar), the least you could do is make them seem moderately realistic.

Why would “A” suddenly decide to use MONA to break up Hanna and Caleb?  It just doesn’t seem to be A’s style, especially when it would be much more mentally devastating to blackmail one of the other girls to do it, or, better yet, force Hanna to do it herself, as “A” had previously done with Spencer and Toby.

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I also find it increasingly odd that, despite Mona’s increasingly erratic behavior, not one of the girls has ever suspected her of being “A.”  This is particularly strange, when you consider how practically everybody else in Rosewood has earned a slot on the suspect list, at least once, including family members and significant others of most, if not, all of the liars.  I would have at least expected Spencer to consider the possibility.  She usually suspects EVERYBODY!  Those pain medications must really be dulling her senses . . .

I blame the evil horse sweater . . .

Perhaps the reason the girls are all missing the neon pink flashing, “I’m a Suspect!” sign over Mona’s head is because Spencer’s sister, Crazy Nanny Carrie has been acting SOOOO frigging guilty.  When Spencer finally confronts her with that video of her storming around Ali’s room, just hours before the dead girl’s demise, Melissa really has nothing to say in her own defense, aside from, (1)”Well, EVERYONE wanted Ali dead so . . .,” and (2) I’ve got dirty videos of you b*tches too, so F-U.”

It’s not exactly a rousing defense.  So, when Mona conveniently suggests that she make out with Caleb in front of Melissa, to see if she takes the bait, and text the info to Hanna, the rest of the girls blindly go along with it .  . . even though poor Caleb looks like he’d rather make out with the old lady from that denture commercial.  “We are doing this for Hanna,” says Mona solemnly, before aggressively raping Caleb’s face with her tongue.

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Poor Caleb!  He was so horrified by the experience, he literally bolted from the car, and walked home alone.  This, of course, gave Mona . . . er .  . . I’m sorry, I mean “A” . . . the perfect opportunity to text Hanna the “bad news.”  (Don’t you think the real “A” would have at least sent a picture as proof?)

Moments later, Mona’s back at Hanna’s house, supposedly wanting to shower the so-called “ickiness” of Caleb off of her body.  Sure you do, Mona . . . sure you do . . .

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He sees dead people.  (How original!)

Upon learning that Ali communicated with “A” via the classifieds, and may or may not have met her in front of that Creepy Doll Hospital, before she died, the girls decide to take a little field trip there.  When they arrive there’s a creepy kid staring at that from the window, who must have been cast in this role, because he is the perfect mixture of (1) the kid from The Sixth Sense; (2) the kid from The Shining; and (3) a Chucky doll come to life.

As for the owner of the hospital, she’s just some old lady.  (Old ladies are scary too!)

When the girls question the Old Lady about the voodoo doll in the window (the same one “A” sent Ali), she claims not to sell them.

She’s also rather cagey regarding whether or not she keeps records of prior doll purchases.  And while Old Lady doesn’t seem to be particularly forthcoming with information, Creepy Kid Seth is just a fountain of knowledge.  Claiming to have some sort of “Sixth Sense” about people, Creepy Kid Seth reports meeting with Ali prior to her death.  He even knows exactly how she died, despite the fact that the cause of her death was not recorded in the papers.

But the most intriguing piece of information of all that Creepy Kid Seth offers the PLL girls is that a “dark-haired couple” was out to hurt Ali.  Now, of course, a “dark haired couple” could refer to any number of pairings on this show.  (And I’ll list them all, in just a bit.)  But Creepy Kid Seth eliminates one pair from the suspect list right away (Blind? Jenna and Policeboy Garrett) by assuring the PLL girls that “the girl is not blind.”  (Or DOES he?)

Other couples that fit Creepy Kid Seth’s description, and, might have been out to hurt Ali include:

Melissa and Dead Pedo Ian (Creepy Kid Seth specifically noted that the female had hair like Spencer’s.)

Melissa and Policeboy Garrett

Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel

Mona and Lucas

Jenna and Toby (though Toby’s hair seems more reddish than dark)

Maya and Noel

Fitzy and Jackie

Fitzy and Aria (Don’t kill me.  I’m just mentioning all the possibilities here . . .)

“Vivian Darkbloom” (i.e. Ali’s twin) and . . . Dead Pedo Ian or Duncan Donuts?

Well, now that narrows things down, doesn’t it?

To see, or not to see . . .

I mentioned earlier that Creepy Kid Seth’s assertion that the female in the couple wanting to hurt Ali was not blind, may or may not exclude Blind Jenna from the list of suspects.  I say this because Jenna’s blindness has been a subject of debate among PLL fans, ever since that time when she used a mirror to put on her lipstick.  And yet, faking eye surgery would be a pretty tough feat to pull off.

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Jenna’s blindness gets called into question again, when she takes off the bandages from her post-surgical eye, this week, and immediately erupts into tears.  Toby, of course, assumes the worst, and moves to comfort his step sister.  But we never get to hear Jenna’s response.

At school, the following day, Hanna, never one to beat around the bush, asks Jenna right up front whether or not she can see.

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This time,  she pretty explicitly states that the operation was a failure.  Yet, according to Jenna, the mental  clarity she gained from this experience has convinced her to “forgive the girls” their Jenna thing, in hopes that the former enemies can move past their grudges and hatred for one another.  Do we believe her when she says this?  Perhaps, more importantly, do we believe her when she says this?

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I don’t know about you, but I was definitely fearing Jenna, toward the end of the episode,  when she shocked everyone, by aggressively killing a fly on her window, wiped it off with a tissues, and winked at the camera . . . her sight clearly restored.

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The question is, how long has Not-so-Blind Jenna been able to see.  Has she been playing us all along, as many suspected?  Was she actually blind, but regained her sight, as a result of the operation?  (And if so, why is she lying to the girls, and possibly Toby?)  Another possibility is that Not-so-Blind Jenna wasn’t lying at all to the girls.  She merely hadn’t fully regained her sight until the end of the episode.

I suspect we’ll learn the answer to this question, next week.  But, of course, I’d be eager to hear your theories on the subject . . .

Another intriguing thing Jenna does this week is turn the infamous Page 5 of the Autopsy report in to the police.  She plays dumb as to its contents, when broaching the matter with Toby.  But, by the end of the episode, it’s pretty clear she knows exactly what’s on them, and WHO they will incriminate in Ali’s murder . . .

To screw, or not to screw . . .

Throughout most of the episode, Aria and Fitzy still find themselves walking on egg shells around one another, as Fitzy nervously awaits the fallout from his decision not to take the Associate Dean position in Louisianna.  He expects the worst, and gets it, when the class he teaches is mysteriously ripped from the college curriculum.  (I thought he just taught Freshman English?  How does a college take Freshman English off its curriculum?)

Fitzy and Aria are certain that this is Evil Papa Montgomery’s doing.  But I’m not sure how realistic that is . . .  I mean, it’s one thing for a popular professor to have enough influence on the university to help someone get a job; it’s quite another for that same popular professor to have enough influence to COMPLETELY CHANGE THE COURSES THAT THE COLLEGE OFFERS.

Anyway, long story short, Fitzy and Aria finally bang one another, on that darn couch Fitzy loves so much . . . a little detail that I found surprisingly fitting.

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Their “Sex Song” was a really awesome cover of Wicked Games . . . the epitome of sex songs, in my humble opinion.  It’s white hot!  (I also really liked the lace tank top Aria was wearing pre-bone.  Does anyone know where I could get me one of those?)  But is it really goodbye sex?  Only time will tell . . .

Welcome to the Dollhouse . . .

While Aria is cashing in that much-abused V-card, the rest of the PLL girls are heading back to the Creepy Doll Hospital to show “I See Dead People” Seth a video of Melissa, in hopes that he could possibly ID her as the dark-haired woman who “wants to hurt Ali.”  Unfortunately, when they arrive at the “Hospital,” no one is there . . . or are they.  Not two seconds after the girls enter the place, a doll starts eerily chanting “Follow me . . . end up like me,” over and over again.  (I’m not going to lie, I almost peed my pants.)

As the girls move through the dark corridors of the place, we see a pair of eyes follow them, from beneath one of the dolls . . . or is it a mask?

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The voice they hear is coming from a closed cabinet.  And when they open it . . . ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE . . .

As if the dead Ali doll recreation wasn’t frightening enough, the whole place literally starts falling down around them, as the girls run screaming from the exit.  Can you blame them?

Arrested Development

Now, I don’t know about you.  But if I had just got home from that Doll House of Horrors, the absolute last thing I would want to do is go searching through some creepy dead girl’s bag in the home of her possible killer, Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (They’ve decided to turn it over to the police, after all.)  And yet, that’s exactly what the girls are doing, when they hear Melissa, herself, and Policeboy Garrett enter the home from the kitchen.  Did I mention they are tonguing one another?  (Crazy Melissa SURE DOES get around! Oh, and Policeboy Garrett seems to have recovered from being dumped by Jenna pretty quickly.)

Then again, he got a very early start . . . 

In just one of the many shocking twists of the evening, both the Gross Makeout Couple, and the girls are interrupted from their machinations, by a knock on the door.  It’s the police . . . they’ve come to arrest Policeboy Garrett . . . the question is why?  My first thought,  was that they were going to bring him in for questioning regarding the fire at Jenna’s house, or Maya’s disappearance.  After all, it did appear to be his police badge that “A” planted right outside, Facelift Vampire Jason’s recently exploded house.

And yet, Policeboy Garrett actually ends up being arrested for Ali’s murder . . . which likely means that something on Page 5 of the autopsy report Jenna turned into the police, coupled with additional evidence, served to incriminate him . . .

EXCEPT, WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DARN THING SAID!!!

In the final moments of the episode, “A” is seeing paying off both the Old Lady and Creepy Kid Seth for their “work” at the Doll Hospital, thereby calling into question everything they said earlier on in the episode, including the whole “Dark-haired couple” comment . . . which basically leaves us back at square one, in terms of suspects.  Brilliant . . .

Next week on PLL, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives . . .

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Feel free to check out (and massively over analyze) the trailers for the episode, below . . .

Last chance, my Pretties.  Choose your villain wisely . . .

Tune in next week to find out of you’re right.   I know, I will!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Where There’s Smoke, There’s a Liar . . . – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Eye of the Beholder”

Greeting, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, we got a deeper glimpse into “Vivian Darkbloom’s” past.  In other news, Blind Jenna got a wicked eye patch, Fitzy got a bit testy with the parental units, and Facelift Vampire Jason’s home underwent some “explosive” renovations.  Oh, and don’t even get me started on Spencer and all the awesome eye sex she got to have this week.  It’s a good thing retinas can’t get pregnant . . .

They can’t . . . I promise! 

So, hop into that rickety plane with a complete stranger, and hold on to your music box, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

(Screencaps provided by prettylittleliarsfans.com)

Well, THAT was awk-ward . . .

So, remember that cute little cupcake shop, where “A” COMPLETELY BRUTALIZED Hanna, by forcing her to eat a vomit-inducing amount of little piggy-shaped cupcakes, in front of a crowd of judgmental jocks?  Well, apparently, Hanna was not quite as traumatized by that moment as I would be.

(Let’s not forget, this is a girl who’s already been HIT BY A CAR, ARRESTED AS A SUSPECT IN HER “BEST” FRIEND’S MURDER, and almost DROWNED IN A LAKE.  It’s entirely understandable that our ideas regarding what’s considered “traumatizing” would differ.)  After all, the episode opens with Hanna enjoying a CUPCAKE (not pig-shaped) with her fellow little liars at that very same sweets shop.

As the girls pretend to eat cupcakes, and chat, we learn a bit more about the Anonymous Hot Guy who mistook Aria for “Vivian Darkbloom” at the end of last week’s episode.  It turns out, his name is “Duncan.”  He has a last name, but since I wasn’t paying attention when it was referenced, I’m just going to call him Duncan Donuts, OK?

“You can trust me, because I dress like I’m 75.”

So, apparently, Duncan Donuts and Vivian Darkbloom were REALLY close . . . as in close enough to go on numerous secret dates in a town nearby . . . and close enough for him to buy her a not particularly cheap red jacket . . . but not close enough for him to CALL HER ON THE PHONE, AFTER NOT HAVING HEARD FROM HER FOR OVER A YEAR . . . and certainly not close enough for him to READ THE LOCAL PAPERS, SEE HER PICTURE ON THE FRONT PAGE, AND FIND OUT SHE’S A CORPSE.

Aria thinks she should give Duncan Donuts a call, basically because her contract requires her to have a boyfriend-type figure in every episode.  And Fitzy and Holden won’t be sharing scenes with her, this week . . .  From experience, every PLL girl already knows that meeting Strange Men — who may or may not have had sexual relations with Dead Ali in the past — while alone, is a bad idea.

However, they wholeheartedly support Aria in her stupidity.  That’s what friends are for, right?

Oh, hey, look who’s back in town?  It’s Abs Toby and Blind Jenna . . . correction, it’s Abs Toby and Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna.  That’s right, my Pretties!  As we’ve long been promised, Jenna finally had her groundbreaking,” blind-no-more” surgery . . . in one eye . . . which hasn’t healed yet.  Yep, they are really going to drag this plotline out for as long as possible. aren’t they?

“At least I will save money on my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

Truthfully though, we are less concerned with the return of Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna, than we are of the return of Spencer’s ex-boyfriend with the HOT haircut, and the ice COLD chip on his shoulder.  Cue the Spencer Face . . . the longing looks (on Spencer’s part), and the glares (on Toby’s part) to the tune of . . .  Intense Mood Music, and Slo-Mo Walking.

Also, notice how Abs Toby is no longer treating Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna like the brother-raping, police boy banging, little-liar framing, ninety pounds of pure evil she actually is!  He actually seems to NOT MIND hanging out with her, as evidenced by the way he keeps . . . you know . . . touching her and stuff.  Did they give you a lobotomy with that haircut, Tobster?

Spencer runs into Abs Toby again later at school.  And she’s all, “What’s the deal with your Creepy Sister and her fugly eyepatch?”

So, Toby’s all, “She finally had the operation.  What’s it to you, you Maneating B*tch?  I miss you!  I love you.  Why did you start humping that hot British doctor, when I would have let you be part of my Abs Toby Sandwich?

So Spencer says, “Let’s get back together.  Mm-kay?  Because Emily was totally kidding about me banging the British guy.  I didn’t do that until we were ‘on a break.’  ‘A’ still might end up murdering in your sleep, because you’re dating me.  But that’s just the price of True Love, right?”

But Toby’s all, “Ya snooze ya, lose, Ho!  I LOVE YOU SPENCER!  KISS ME, YOU FUNNY-FACING MAKING BUNDLE OF LOVE!”

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Then Half-Blind Jenna emerges from the Principal’s office, and creepily tells Spencer, she KNEW she was standing in front of her, despite Spencer not having uttered a word, since Half-Blind Jenna’s appearance.  This means Half-Blind Blind Jenna knows her Pretty Little Liars so well, that she can smell them, when they are close by.  Yeah . . . because that’s not creepy, at all . . .

“Stop sniffing my ex-girlfriend.  That’s MY job!”

Missed Calls and Mixed Messages . . .

Back at the Marin household, Hanna and her mom are in a fight.  It turns out that Mama Marin won’t buy Hanna a new phone to replace the one she DROPPED IN THE SOAPY SINK, last week, in order to prevent Mama Marin from confiscating it.

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As much as I adore my Hanna, you have to admit, this was a pretty ballsy request on Hanna’s part . . . I mean, sure, we all know that Hanna only destroyed the phone to prevent her mother from discovering A’s identity, thereby, putting herself in danger.  But she has to see that, from her mom’s perspective, the whole “phone drowning” thing, came off as a very deliberate and highly personal “F-U Mommy.”

Besides, Mama Marin worked hard to steal that money from the Old Dying Lady!  She can’t be going off spending it, wily nily, on electronics, every time Hanna decides to drown them, or throw them in a blender!

Part of me thinks it would have been REALLY funny, if Hanna got one of those prepaid phones mailed to her by “A,” with a message like, “Try not to get this one wet, or make it into a smoothie.”

However, considering it was Mona, who ended up providing Hanna with a replacement phone, and many people think SHE’S “A,” perhaps my scenario is precisely what happened.  More and more, we are seeing Mona get involved in the PLL girls’ dealings with “A” in ways that help the mysterious evildoer complete her master plan.  In this case, obviously “A” wants Hanna to have a phone, so that she can continue to taunt her with text messages . . . like the one the girls received later on in the episode: “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback.”

But here’s a question for you?  Assuming the cell phone Hanna received from Mona was on Mona’s account (which Mona explains to us that it is), how did “A” manage to snag Hanna’s new number, if not from Mona herself?  (Assuming Mona and “A” are two different people, of course.)  Unless, Mona somehow transferred Hanna’s old number to Mona’s account, in which case, I take back everything I just said  . . .

Speaking of anonymous, and not-so-anonymous communications, “Maya” has been secretly contacting Emily, with text messages saying she is “OK,” and sweet, exceptionally well-written e-mails, about their great times together and “perfect goodbyes.”  Emily is touched that Maya is reaching out to her, but torn as to whether she should clue Maya’s parents in to her possible whereabouts.  In the end, she decides to confront the St. Germaines with the information she has received.

The question is . . . did Emily jump the gun?  After all, Maya’s messages (particularly the e-mail) certainly SOUNDED like they were from Maya. But what if they weren’t?  After all, both messages were sent from an “undisclosed sender.”  Is it possible that “A” has been sending these messages, on Maya’s behalf, to keep her off the trail of a girlfriend in danger?  Only time will tell . . .

Come Crash Fly with Me!

Duncan Donut has two dates meetings with Aria, in this episode.  The first one is normal.   The second one is ridiculous.  First Duncan Donut meets Aria in the school courtyard, where he admits that he knows that Vivian Darkbloom was just an alias for Ali.  (No mention as to whether he believed that big ole black wig was actually her real hair.)

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He also seems to know a heck of a lot about Ali / Vivian’s friends, including Aria . . . “the writer . . . who keeps journals.”  Interesting . . . because the only time I’ve ever heard Aria even talk about writing was in the pilot episode . . . right before she humped Fitzy in the bathroom.  I thought the whole “writing thing” was just a pickup line.  Go figure!

Talk about being the bearer of bad news!  Aria then has to tell Duncan Donuts that Vivian/Ali is . . . you know . . . not-so-much alive,  anymore.  Check out Duncan Donut’s face in this scene.  He’s clearly shocked . . . and totally crushed by the news . . . either that, or he’s a really great actor.  P.S. He claims to have been with Ali / Vivian the weekend she supposedly disappeared . . .

Having had so much fun on her first date with Duncan Donut, Aria decides to set up a second one with him, this time in a totally secluded area in a town called Brookhaven.  Be careful Aria.  Your best frenemy hung out with this guy, and then DIED.  Does that make him a killer?  Not necessarily.  Does that make him REALLY bad luck? Absolutely . . .

So, you know those comedy sketches that take place in front of green screens, where it’s supposed to look like the television character is doing something CRAZY, like water skiing on Niagara Falls, or climbing the alps, or hanging off the top of Mount Rushmore.  But actually, they are basically just standing in front of a piece of paper with a picture on it.  Well, those all look WAY more realistic than the image of Aria and Duncan Donut flying a plane together on their date / mutual interrogation session.

Why does Aria get into a plane with this Admittedly-Hot, but not particularly stable-seeming loon, you ask?  It beats the hell out of me.  Supposedly, this was something Ali/ Vivian just loooooooved to do.  According to Duncan, flying with him (he has a license, she didn’t), made her feel free from all the little people on the ground, who were trying to kill her.  You know, because death-by-plane crash is much more pleasant than death-by-shovel-repeatedly-bashed-into-brain.  (So much for that dream!)

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Throughout the entire experience, Aria basically looks like she is about to pee in her pants.  So, of course, this gives Duncan Donut the brilliant idea to FORCE her to takeover the controls, despite her complete lack of experience flying planes, under the ridiculous rationalization that this will help her “understand” Ali.  (If you mean because they will both be dead, by the time they have finished with you, then, yes, this is a brilliant idea, Duncan Donuts.)

It certainly doesn’t help matters that Duncan is sporting a serious case of the Crazy Eyes throughout the entire scene.  I’ll be honest, this made me miss a lot of what the pair were talking about, because I was so busy screaming at my television, “Don’t kill Aria, before she gets to have that sex scene.  Ezria fans will FREAK!”

Nonetheless, here’s what I got out of this lovely near-death-by-green-screen conversation:

(1) Duncan Donut would have loved to have intimately explored Vivian’s “dark bloom” (if you catch my drift), before she died.  However, he suspected that there were other men out there, who were beating him to the punch.

(2) Aria admits to Duncan Donut that she thinks the police and the newspapers are wrong regarding Ali’s murder.   Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Ali.  He was either framed, or willingly took the fall for someone else, before he died.

(3) Duncan Donut notes that on the weekend prior to Ali’s disappearence, he flew her to Philadelphia from Brookhaven, which means she had been back in town for hours, by the time she met up with the girls.  (What was she doing in Rosewood, during all those missing hours?)

(4) Duncan observed that Ali seemed “different” the last time he saw her.  He assumed this was because she had “just figured something out.”  However, the proponents of the “Ali has a twin” theory, could easily surmise that “Ali” seemed different, because she was actually a different person, than the one with whom Duncan had developed a relationship.

Oh yeah, and he and Aria didn’t end up dying in a plane crash.  So, yay for hot people surviving the danger of their own idiocy . . .

Speaking of men who want to put their hands all over Aria’s “controls” . . .

Fitzy Must REALLY Like that Couch . . .

Fitzy, you little lazy scamp, you . . . why do you always seem to be laying on that couch of yours?  Aren’t you afraid of falling asleep and missing your classes?  Do you actually teach any classes?  Or do they just pay you to sit on that couch and pretend to grade papers?

After “Who’s A?” and “Who killed Ali?” this is the third biggest mystery of PLL.  Fitzy is an enigma wrapped in plaid, wrapped in a nerdy sweater vest, wrapped in Aria’s arms . . .  He also seemed to grow a pair this week, when he was visited by not one, but BOTH elder Montgomery’s.

How did he grow a pair, you ask?  Well, he basically told them both where to stick it, in terms of their attempts to control his career / relationship with their daughter.  (Well, on second thought, he was a bit more polite to one than the other . . . bet you can’t guess which one . . .)

Oh, one more thing about Fitzy, before I recap the conversations he had with Aria’s parents . . . he can be a little . . . how do I put this kindly . . . intense .  . . when he’s feeling disrespected.  We saw this for the first time, during his “don’t wake a sleepwalker” speech to that scheming harlot, Jackie.

We saw it again tonight.  Now I’m not SAYING Fitzy is “A.”  (For one thing, he lacks a comprehensive motive . . . so far.)  However, I will say that those of you who subscribe to that theory, got a lot of juice out of his scenes in this episode . . .

First up was Mama Montgomery, who also, seems to rarely teach, as she just decided to hop on over to Hollis college smack in the middle of the day to give Fitzy a piece of her mind.  “I’m not an ally,” insists Mama Montgomery to the Perpetual Couch Dweller.  “I don’t have an opinion on [the job offer my husband is using to manipulate you to leave town].”  She adds.

“It matters what you think of me,” Fitzy replies stoically.  (Well, that was a nice thing to say, under the circumstances . . . I guess.)

And yet, lest you think this conversation is a total waste of time (which I’ll admit I did, initially), before leaving, Mama Montgomery lays her cards on the table, regarding why she REALLY made this long journey to Fitzy’s office in the middle of the day.  I’ll give you a hint: it starts with the letter “A.”

Apparently, Mama Montgomery is still very much hot on the trail of the “A” who (1) initially informed her about her husband’s affair; (2) clued in Byron to the continuing nature of the Ezria relationship; and (3) may or may not be torturing Aria and her friends on a fairly consistent basis.  So, she turns to Fitzy for clues, hoping that, perhaps, one of Aria’s Deep Dark Secrets will help yield another.

Fitzy’s words are brilliantly filled with alternative meanings, and double entendres, depending on whether you view him as an “A” suspect or not.  For those of you who view Fitzy as 100% innocent in the torture of Aria and her friends, his statements, “I would never intentionally hurt Aria,” and, “there was someone who would want to hurt [me], but not any more” seem perfectly honest and straightforward.  The first statement, simply refers to his complete and unabiding love for Aria, and the second refers to Jackie, the one person, aside from “A,” Aria’s parents, and, of course, Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who ever sought to ruin the Ezria relationship.

And yet, those who think Fitzy might be “A” see the statements in an entirely different light.  Assuming for a second that Fitzy was “A,” his statement regarding how he would never “intentionally hurt Aria,” seems to dovetail directly with fans “concerns” regarding the fact that, of all the liars, “A” goes the absolute easiest on Aria.  As for Fitzy’s statement about someone wanting to hurt him and Aria, but “not anymore,” well,  one might surmise that he was referring to Ali, herself . . .

Just a suggestion . . .

While Fitzy’s meeting with Mama Montgomery was all mixed meanings, and double entendres, his conversation with Papa Montgomery gives off a much clearer message.  And that message is: ‘I hate your guts . . . BASTARD.”

*insert growling noise*

Whatever your feelings are regarding Ezria, you have to admit that this scene was just incredibly fun to watch.  Initially, the two grown men are icy, yet cordial, to one another.  Fitzy informs Byron he’s not going to take the job in New Orleans, and Byron says he’s “sorry to hear that.”  But that’s when the gloves really come off.

Fitzy tells Byron that the reason he’s not taking the job in Mardi Gras town is that he doesn’t want Papa Montgomery to have that kind of “power” over him.  There was also some smack talk flying back and forth about which man had the bigger “ego.”

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 In other words, Classic Male Pissing Contest.  It was awesome.  Fitzy’s been running scared from the Montgomery’s for such a long time now.  It’s nice to see him finally taking charge of his own life even if he does end up being “A.”  Oh, and, after it was all over, he called Aria, and told her he loved her, thus proving that Classic Male Pissing Contests are exceptionally good for the libido  .  . .

“I wanna whack her like a pinata!”

Oh, Mona!  I used to find you insanely annoying.  But now I kind of adore your smart mouth, and warped sense of loyalty.  You are like the female version of the comedically- inclined hitman character on one of those mob shows.  (So, I really hope you don’t end up being “A.” like you were in the books.)

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Anywhoo, the PLL girls have plenty of good reasons why they want Abs Toby to stay away from Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna.  For one thing, that’s SPENCER’S man, dammit though, I still prefer Wren.  For another, Half-Blind is a fairly awful human being, who never really forgave the girls for their part in her blinding, and has more than once framed them for some Very Bad Things.  For a third, she’s just CREEPY.  And has been known to do things like rub Toby’s leg, while saying that she “wants to surround herself with things she love, and you [MY BROTHER WHO I LIKE TO SCREW] will be there too.

“Get your paws off me, pirate!’ 

(By the way, where the heck are Half-Blind Jenna’s and Toby’s parents, during all this?  Did Half-Blind Jenna eat them?)

To be honest, I’m not quite sure why MONA hates Half-Blind Jenna (assuming she’s not “A,” of course).  But whatever the reason, she’s REALLY quick to offer a helping hand in getting Hanna some alone time with the Tobster, for anti-Jenna reasons.  (She’s also really quick to offer to basically BEAT HER TO DEATH, but that’s neither here nor there.)

“If you show me your abs, I’ll give you this car.”

Mona get Toby alone by offering a threesome with her and Half-Blind Jenna claiming to have some random “car question” for him.  But once she’s got him cornered, she’s out like a tubby girl in dogeball, and in comes Hanna.  Now, in Abs Toby’s defense, Hanna comes on just a LITTLE bit strong, with her whole, “How dare you hang out with your sister, when she’s so mean to your ex girlfriend,” logic.  That said, Abs Toby, is more than a bit douchey in response, by playing the whole “YOU BLINDED HER” CARD, and then storming off, like it’s his job.

Speaking of doucheyness, Abs Toby has an extra special dose of it lined up for Dr British Hotpants Wren, when he happens by Half-Blind Jenna in the hospital, on the day she is supposed to have her bandages taken off.  If looks could kill Hotpants would be one very sexy puddle on the floor.  That said, I have to give the Line of the Day Award to Half-Blind Jenna, who refers to Dr Hotpants as “Spencer’s personal physician,” and insists that “even a lie would sound good in that accent.”

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Truer words have never been spoken . . .

 Ali DiLaurentis – Closet Hoarder?

It’s odd, isnt’ it, that mere days after Maya goes missing, Facelift Vampire Jason pops by to claim that she ”just happened” to drop some of Ali’s stuff by the house, in a big fat duffelbag?  The PLL girls are thrilled, assuming that they will find something in the bag that leads to discovering who either “A” or Ali’s killer is.  Unfortunately, most of the stuff in there is just a bunch of childhood junk (though I did notice the Voodoo doll from the Halloween special in there. YAY, continuity!) . . . or is it?

While searching through the crap, the girls realize that the newspaper in which it is wrapped, is actually from prior to Ali’s disappearance, and contains within it, some sort of a code.  (Thank you Hanna for your insanely accurate memory of Michelle Obama’s wardrobe).  It seems that Ali and “A” were communicating with one another through personal and classified ads prior to Ali’s death.  (How very low tech!  I’m disappointed in you, A.)

In fact, on the weekend of Ali’s demise, she met “A” at .  . . wait for it . . . the Creepy Doll Hospital.

(Oh, Ali also has a creepy music box.  I’m not entirely sure why that’s relevant, but the producers seemed to focus on it a lot, so I figured I would throw it in there.)

Burning Up for Your Love

Upon realizing that the bag might contain even more clues than originally suspected, the girls rush to retrieve it from Facelift Vampire Jason’s porch, where they had dutifully returned it, earlier that day.  Hanna gets to do the honors.  So, you can imagine her suprise when HALF-BLIND JENNA’S FACE POPS OUT OF NO WHERE, and THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

It’s Hanna and Spencer (when did she get here?) to the rescue, as they pull Half-Blind Jenna from the wreckage, just seconds before the flames . .  . excuse the expression, whack her like a pinata.

Off to the hospital we go to assess the damages.  Surprisingly, Hanna is absolutely fine, aside from her hair smelling like smoke (which, of course, brings back memories of Emily’s “I have glass in my hair,” moment.)  But Spencer has glass in her HANDS.  YAY!  Wait . . . why am I saying, yay, to Spencer’s injury?

THAT’S WHY!

Wren is “cleaning and mending Spencer’s hands” very carefully (which I wish was a euphemism for something, but isn’t).  He’s also talking to her in this super sweet and soft voice of his, and telling her that she has a very complicated life.  (See, Wren is smart!)   He then eye sexes her up, so hard, she pops out about ten eye babies.   Upon eye baby delivery, he asks her if she would like to pretend certain things between them (like massive makeout, eyesex, half-nude massages, and drunken sleepovers) never happened.

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Spencer responds, “HELL TO THE NO!”  (As most of us would.  Because, seriously, who would want to forget  any time spent with Dr Hotpants . . . I mean, really.)

In other news, Spencer’s mom is apparently not on Team Facelift Vampire Jason, for obvious reasons.  Spencer takes issue with this because . . . well . . . he’s her half-brother, a.k.a. family.  (Makes sense.)   In fact, judging by the way things are turning out for the Hastings brood,  he might very well be the most SANE hastings of the bunch . . .

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But for not so obvious reasons, Mama Hastings claims that SHE, and not her husband, was the one who spent $15,000 for the private investigator to find Ali.   Hmmm . . .  Why do I feel like we are still missing a big chunk of this story?  Toward the end of the episode, Facelift Vampire Jason and Mama Hastings seem to share some not entirely antagonistic words at the hospital.  So . . . um . . . progress!

Controlling the world . . . one Rosewood Resident at a time . . . 

Oh, I guess you’re interested in finding out how Half-Blind Jenna is, right?  Well, she’s fine . . . if you ignore the fact that she is still half-blind . . . hysterical crying . . . and of couse, an evil brother-f*&king shrew.  As it turns out, Half-Blind Jenna was in Facelift Vampire’s house based on a message she supposedly received from Jason . . . a message he claims he never sent.  In other words, “A” basically tried to have Half-Blind Jenna killed, but Hanna saved her life (with Spencer’s help).  “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback,” right?

Again, where the F*&k are Half-Blind Jenna’s parents?  HELLO!  YOUR KID ALMOST DIED!  Time to return from the mall, or wherever the heck it is you’ve been for 2.5 seasons

There is an interesting, and suprisingly divisive, scene toward the end of the episode, in which a tearful Half-Blind Jenna asks Hanna why she would possibly save her, given the awful history the two have with one another.  (The Slap Heard Round the World Comes immediately to mind here.)  To this, Hanna responds with a rather icy, “You’re welcome,” before exiting stage left.

Having perused the message boards, I notice that a lot of you felt this was rude of Hanna, considering Half-Blind Jenna’s emotional state.  However, I kind of think, under the circumstances, Hanna handled the situation quite well.

After all, Hanna and Half-Blind Jenna are NOT friends, in fact they are nearly enemies.  So Hanna certainly didn’t save the girl out of any fondness or loyalty she felt toward her.  Rather, she simply did it, because it was the RIGHT thing to do . . .  She probably would have done it for ANYONE . . . possibly even a complete stranger (like Duncan Donuts).  While this is a perfectly good reason to save someone’s life, it’s not a particularly nice thing to say to someone.:  “I saved you because I was SUPPOSED TO DO IT.”

And like Mommy always says, when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all . . . which was exactly what Hanna did . . . at least in my opinion.  (That said, giving Jenna a little smile when she said it, certainly wouldn’t have hurt . . .)

In the final moments of the episode, Gloved Hand leaves Police Boy Garrett’s badge on the floor near Facelift Vampire Jason’s house, thereby implicating him in the fire.  In hindsight, he’d make for a good suspect, considering we’ve seen him arguing with Half-Blind Jenna, and angrily fleeing her home many times in the past.

Ahhh, the plot thickens.  Next week on PLL, more Creepy Dolls, Creepy Old Ladies, and an Ezria sex scene?  You can check out the promos here . . .

So, who do YOU think is A?  Until next time, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Daddy Dearest? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Father Knows Best”

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Dads . . . scientifically speaking, we can’t live without them.  Though, by the end of this episode, three out of four of our Pretty Little Liars may have been wishing they could do just that.  Not Emily.   Her dad is awesome . . . which is probably why the writers are going to kill him off, just to make us cry.  Meanies!

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about “Father Knows Best.”  Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t a bad episode, by any means.  It gave us some solid insights into each of the girls’ families (Hint: Spencer’s family is CRAZY!), while providing us with some interesting clues as to A’s identity.

And yet, I kind of felt as though something was missing.  Perhaps, it was because the girls had little time in the midst of all their family drama, for their usual fun snarky interactions with one another.

Maybe it’s because not one of the girl’s significant others actively appeared in the episode.

(I refuse to count that ridiculous shot of possibly-Toby on the motorbike.) All I know is that I left the episode hungry for a bit more camp, and A-related chaos . . .

That said, I’m seriously considering replacing “Clowns” with “Dolls” at the top of my list of Things that are Supposedly Meant for Kids that Give Me Nightmares . . .  It’s been nearly 24-hours, and just thinking about that doll hospital still gives me chills . . .

So grab your dad, and strap on your favorite dress, and, for heaven sake, hide all those creepy dead girl pictures you have in your lock drawer, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Emily Fields and the Case of the Missing Maya . . .

It’s a few days before Rosewood High School’s annual Father/Daughter Dance.  While Emily’s obviously psyched that her father traveled all the way from Texas just to attend, erstwhile-girlfriend Doobie-Lovin’ Maya’s recent disappearance has her feeling more than a bit distracted.  Fortunately for Emily, her dad is the most awesome dude on the planet, and is completely understanding of Emily’s predicament.

When Emily admits that she suspects Maya St. Pothead of possibly running away to San Francisco, so as not to have to attend Druggie Daycare, Papa Fields even shares with us a tale of his own days as a teenage runaway.  How cool is that?  That’s almost as good as your parents admitting to you that they used to smoke pot, when they were your age.  Not that I know this from experience or anything . . .  😉

Anywhoo, culling from his experience as a Teenage Bad Ass, Papa Fields cleverly suggests to his daughter that Marijuana Maya probably headed to the nearest bus station.  He reasons that bus transportation tends to be the quickest and cheapest way to get out of town in a pinch.  I liked how Papa Fields immediately offered to drive Emily down to the bus station, so that she could look for her friend, rather than immediately calling Maya’s parents, which would have been (in my opinion) a betrayal of her daughter’s trust.

Some might argue that Maya’s parents — who were undoubtedly extremely worried about their daughter — had a right to know this information.  And yet, it wasn’t really Papa Fields’ information to give.  Plus, if it turned out that Smokey St. Germaine had never gone to the bus station, the Fields’ “tip” would have done nothing more for the St. Germaine’s than get their hopes up about their daughter’s safe return home.

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At the bus station, Papa Fields shows off his awesomeness again, when the man on duty at the ticket booth is less than helpful in providing Emily with information.  Papa Fields plays the Army Card, and immediately gets Ticket Man to change his tune.  Suddenly, he absolutely remembers a totally stoned looking Maya purchasing a ticket to San Francisco, before, possibly, getting into a strange unmarked car and driving away.  It’s not exactly the news Emily wanted to hear, but at least it’s something . . .

Later on in the episode, Emily misses a phone call from Maya’s cell phone.  But when she calls the number, back she learns that the voicemail box is full.

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Well, that sucks . . .

You know what else sucks?  That Emily has to find out at the father/daughter dance that her awesome dad is going to be deployed to Afghanistan for six months.

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Why do I have a sinking suspicion the writers are going to kill off the best dad on this show, just to tug at our heartstrings, around sweeps week?  Here’s a hint for you, PLL writers: DON’T DO IT!

In other news, Gloved Hand takes a newspaper from a bin with Maya’s picture on the front page, and the words “Missing” emblazoned across the top.

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Silly Gloved Hand!  We already knew Girlfriend was missing.  You couldn’t have found something a wee bit more EXCITING and A-like to do besides reading yesterday’s news?  Just sayin . . .

Hanna Marin and the Case of the Police Report that will NEVER DIE . . .

You know how sometimes after a celebrity is big and famous, someone will come out of the woodwork with an old nudie picture of the actress from her starving artist days, and it creates a whole big “SCANDAL?”  Well, that’s kind of what happened to poor Hanna and her dirty little shoplifting secret.  That darn police report just keeps popping up everywhere, doesn’t it?

Now, it’s prompting Mama Marin to make more Not-So-Secret Meetings with Deputy Douchey, who suggests that Mommy Dearest steal her own daughter’s phone, to find out what exactly she’s been hiding.

Then again, maybe she just wants another excuse to get him naked .  . .

But hey, at least Mama Marin kinda cares about her kid.  The same can’t be said of Papa Marin, the guy who supposedly moved into town and enrolled his stepdaughter in Hanna’s school, so that he could spend more time with Hanna.   And yet, oddly enough, can’t be bothered to attend the Father/Daughter dance with EITHER of his kids, despite living right down the block from the school . . .

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Feeling more than a bit guilty, Mama Marin offers to attend the dance in her ex-husbands place . . . which sounds like a super sweet idea, until Hanna gets wise to her mother’s rendezvous with Deputy Douchey, and throws her cell phone in a sink filled with soapy water, in protest.

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Hanna Marin: Enemy to All Technological Devices . . .

Though the bold move solved the immediate problem of having Deputy Douchey or Mama Marin learn about “A,” it did little to solve the larger problem of the “Police Report.”  Oddly (and suspiciously) enough, it’s Mona who suggests that “the best liar of the group” confess to sending the report to Hanna, herself, as a way to stage an “intervention” on Hanna against future shoplifting excursions.

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I found it interesting that the girls immediately chose to crown Aria as “Best Liar” of the bunch.  I guess that’s true, somewhat.  This meta moment, was followed by another one, in which Aria hilariously confessed to Mama Marin, “A stand for Aria.  A stands for Anonymous.  I am A.”

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Could that be true?  Random Hot Guy at the end of the episode certainly seemed to think so, when he saw Aria wearing Ali’s alter ego “Vivian Darkbloom’s jacket” in the street,  and immediately referred to her as “Vivian.”  Upon seeing this case of mistaken identity play out, one can’t help but notice that Ali’s “Vivian Darkbloom” wig, does bear a striking resemblance to Aria’s natural hair color, style, and texture.

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Hmmm . . .

In other news, as good of a liar as Aria might, in fact, be, Mama Marin apparently doesn’t buy her story, which is why she teams up with Aria’s mom at the end of the episode to find out once and for all who this “A” person is, who has been torturing their daughters.  This can’t end well . . .

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Aria Montgomery and the Case of  . . . Lots of Pouting . . .

It was basically more of the same, in Arialand.   There, the littlest PLL girl, struggled with the notion of having to “play nice” with her pops, despite knowing that he tried to permanently cock block his own daughter, by shipping her lover off to the Big Easy.  With both Pops and Daughter being stubborn as mules,  it was up to Mama Montgomery, and formerly crazy, but now seemingly perfect, Little Brother Mike to keep the peace.

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Mommy did her part, by convincing Aria to attend the dance with her dad, despite her protests.   As for Mike (who would like you to know that he’s a REAL man, who shaves now . . . yessiree!) . . .

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 . . . he subtly and politely asks Aria, whether all the trouble that her dating Fitzypoo is causing the Montgomery family is worth while.

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She replies that “When you love someone it’s worth fighting for.”

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I wonder if Little Mikey has ever been in love.  I find the character intriguing, and was kind of disappointed when they unceremoniously dropped his storyline earlier in the season.  I hope they revisit it soon . . .

Lest you think Little Mikey is on Team Dad, he also has some choice words for Papa Montgomery, later on in the episode, about how the latter might not be really giving his daughter a chance, by actually listening to what she has to say, in regards to Fitzy.

Nonetheless, despite the rest of the families’ encouragement, the Father/Daughter Dance does not go well for the Montgomery duo.    In fact, it all ends, pretty sh*tty, with Aria huffily refusing to take a picture with her father, arguing that, “I’m not your little girl, anymore.”

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Now, I’ve certainly never been a fan of Byron Montgomery’s.  But, I have to say, my heart went out to him just a smidge in this scene.  Maybe it’s because my dad isn’t around anymore.  And I would do absolutely anything to get to take my picture with him again, dance with him, and have him call me his “little girl.”  But I guess that makes me a bit biased . . .

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What do you think, my Pretties?  Was Aria’s treatment of her dad at the Father/ Daughter dance overly harsh?  Or did the punishment meet the Ezria cockblocking crime?

Spencer Hastings and the Case of “Which of My Family Members is a Murderer?”

As screwed up as the rest of PLL girls families might be, Spencer’s family definitely takes the wackadoodle prize!

When we last left Spencer, she was stupidly heading off alone in a car with her surely-psycho sister, sans cell phone.

This week, she’s already in the car.   And so far, Melissa has not yet bludgeoned her with a butcher knife.

I take that as a good sign . . .

Anyway, Spencer’s still wondering why Melissa ditched her to go hang out with Police Boy Garrett.  (I’d say, Spencer should be THANKING her for doing that, because it enabled her to have more makeout time with that Hot Doc, Wren.  But that’s neither here nor there.)

Melissa makes up some excuse about wanting to talk to the Police Boy about her supposedly murderous husband Dead Creepy Pedo Ian.  I, for one, don’t buy it.

If you are feeling guilt about Marrying a Psychopath, tell your shrink, or your priest.  Don’t tell the Local Police Boy.  How exactly do you think he’s going to heal you, by handcuffing you, and telling you to “Get Up Against the Wall and Spread Em?”

“Well, I’d certainly enjoy that.” 

That said, even though I don’t trust Melissa, I don’t think she’s “A” either.  If she was, she probably wouldn’t have admitted to her sister, that she threatened the dead girl, by sending A-like texts to her, when the latter started making out with her boyfriend in public places.  The setup . . . the motive . . . it all just seems a bit too simplistic too me.

Plus, having Melissa end up being “A” after learning all the suspect things she did, just three episodes prior would be more than a bit anticlimactic for fans, I suspect.  That said, at least now we know why Melissa was in that video on A’s phone.  And why Jonah traced one of the cell phones that called Ali to the law firm where Melissa used to intern.

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When the rest of the PLL girls, learn Melissa’s excuse, they immediately want to turn her in to the cops.  But the ever-loyal Spencer, asks for more time to clear her sister’s name.  And why not?  When her equally psycho dad would make just as solid of a suspect in Ali’s murder!  Boy, when they were handing out family members in Heaven, Spencer Hastings must have been in the bathroom.  There sure are a lot of runts in her litter, aren’t there?

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Speaking of Spencer’s dad, like Aria’s not-so-proud papa, Spencer’s sire is also trying desperately to make amends for past wrongs.  Check out the I’m Sorry I Fathered a Bastard Big Brother of Yours and Never Told You About It Designer Necklace.  Spencer’s not quite sure how to react to this token of monetary affection.  So, she starts by snooping around her dad’s office, while he’s out playing tennis.

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There, she finds a number of naughty things, including porn a copy of a check made for $15,000 to cash . . . which just so happens to be precisely the amount of blackmail money Ali had lying around, and a folder filled with a bunch of creepy photographs of Ali.

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“Why is every male I know a TOTAL PEDO?” 

One thing she didn’t find in dad’s drawer, was a gun.  You know, because “A” already STOLE that . . .

And where does Spencer confront her dad about all this?  You guessed it, the Father/Daughter Dance.

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“Out of all my legitimate children, you were always my second favorite.” 

After she drops the bomb shell, she then dashes outside to see a mysterious leathered up figure riding past her on a motorcycle, “Toby?” She stage whispers.

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But whoever it is just rides right past her . . .

Now what the hell was the point of that?

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Once at home, Spencer admits to finding the incriminating items in Daddy-o’s drawer.  He explains them both away, by saying that he used the money and the pictures to hire a private investigator to find Ali, shortly after she went missing.  He claims that because he knew Melissa was threatening the girl earlier, he was hoping he might be able to clear her name.

I don’t know, it all sounds a bit too convenient for me. Besides, since when do you need 80 pictures of a girl to send to a private investigator?  Shouldn’t one or two suffice?  And besides, why exactly did Papa Hastings have SO MANY pictures of Ali, on hand, in the first place  It’s all a bit creepy, if you ask me.  Unless, of course, he ends up being HER father too . . .

While rifling through his now thoroughly searched drawer, Papa Hastings finally figures out that SOMEONE has stolen his gun . . . someone who has a key to his home and his lock drawer.

Once Spencer assures him she’s not a gun thief, Papa Hastings call the cops.

It’s not until they arrive that a frantic Melissa — who claims to have been “watching television” in the “no television” cabin — escapes back to her home in Philly.  Wow, someone really has something to hide, doesn’t she?  Melissa’s parting words to Spencer are that, if things get too tough, “I will always be around to protect you.”

“Riiiiiiiiight.” 

Why is that statement, when coming out of the mouth of a freakazoid like Melissa, not at all comforting?

Now, I remember . . . 

Newsflash: Dolls are Scary.

So, do you guys remember Jonas ?  The guy who bilked Spencer and Facelift Vampire Jason out of a crapload of money, just to give them the address to some old abandoned law firm?  Well, apparently, the guy’s been withholding some information.

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Apparently, Melissa’s phone wasn’t the only one threatening Ali.  She was also receiving calls from another number.  . . one in a nearby town called Brookhaven . . . a telephone that “A” likely dialed, while standing in front of the Creepiest Doll Hospital ever.  (Of course, in Doll Hospital’s defense, this is probably the first Doll Hospital, I have ever seen . . .)

Looking in the window, the girls immediately recognize the dolls as highly similar to the blackmail-bearing Chuckie dolls they received from “A” last season.  The plot . . . oh how it thickens.

In other news, Aria apparently didn’t dress weather appropriate for the Doll Hospital excursion.  Fortunately, Dead Ali’s alter ego’s red coat is still waiting in the trunk of the car.  The minute she puts it on, from the back, Aria looks exactly like the infamous “Virginia Darkbloom.”  Special Hot Guest Star must think so too, because the minute he sees her, he starts calling her “Vivian.”

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That Dead Ali!  She sure did get around, both literally, and figuratively, in her short life, didn’t she?

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And that (aside from the obligatory showing of Gloved Hand READING A NEWSPAPER) was Father Knows Best, in a nutshell.

Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Toby returns, Blind Jenna gets a super eye patch, and Hanna BLOWS UP.  It’s all just another day’s work for “A” . . .  You can check out the trailers for the episode here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

“A” is for Awkward! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Touched By an A-ngel”

“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass!  I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”

Welcome back, My Pretties!  This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers.  And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation.  I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?

“Well, THAT sounds painful!”

Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show.  (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)

Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!

See?  This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice.  You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops!  On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer!  It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts.  Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that?  Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .

This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria.  Aria admits to swapping blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .

“I was thirsty.  OK?” 

And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it.  Having imparted that old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.

“What the hell?  Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week?  Because I could really use one right about now.” 

So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)

Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . . 

OK, now this is where I cry foul  Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?

Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .

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Can I just say . . . WORST CEREAL BOX PRIZE EVER!

Meanwhile, over at the Marin Household . . .

Compassion is for Morning People . . .

Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . . 

“This is my Sad Hair . . .”

While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.”  (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!)  When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep (Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that!  Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.

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I agree, Hanna.  The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF.  And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.

But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own.  She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .

“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had .  . . no offense, Hanna.”

“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .” 

“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”

I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week.  And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise.  But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!

I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all.  But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it?  Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them?  Why the double standard?  Just because she’s a GIRL?

Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him.  Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out .  .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT.  So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” 

According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film.  When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift.  Riiiiiight .  . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall.  Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?

But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the dirty thought that counts, right?

Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .

The Return of El Shrinko

“OK .  . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages?  And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls?  What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”

Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep.  Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .

 

“That’s ME!” 

Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother,  Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.

Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.

Don’t worry, Emily.  In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . . 

Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk.  Emily agrees.

“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.” 

Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .

Hollis College:  Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On Your Boobs

At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth (especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know .  . . busy professing).  However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well.  And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .

“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car.  I hope you don’t mind.” 

When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students.  He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty.  But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation.  So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.

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Continuing this weeks trend of  uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness.  Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .

I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . . 

During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason .  . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her.  This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable.  And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg.  Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.

 “Fitzy’s MINE!  And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”

Annoying Mona .  . . Horse Whisperer

“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.” 

Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy.  The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .

First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . . 

“What the hell did they do to my face?”

Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob.  And,  since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .

“This storyline is lame.  Why the f*&k are we here?”

Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer”  (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience.  And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail.  Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system.  So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel.  And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.

“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .” 

Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said.  But she doesn’t.  Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse.  (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty?  Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.)  Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .

Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .

What the hell is an N.A.T. club?

“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of!  If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!” 

Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook.  Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .

 

Wait a second!  Since when are these three guys all the SAME age?  Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy.  Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)?  Just curious . . . 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)

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After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”

Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes.  Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria .  . . Fitzy . . .

“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.” 

Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .

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Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER of getting turned into a vampire.  And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .

Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone.  SOMEONE is watching them . . .

*hissssssss*

And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .

Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!

Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.

As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment.  A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins.  You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders.  She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment.  Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse.  What are the odds?  (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)

Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message.  (SURPRISE!)

OK.  So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is.  But who are Eric and Denise J.?  I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona. 

Tata for now, Facelift Jason!  Ezria is “Official”

“I’m really going to miss you, Aria.  Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.” 

At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face.  I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall.  (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.)  Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards.  Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her.  She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.

While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .

Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer.  He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship.  And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it.  Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .

*insert sucking and slurping noises here*

Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . . . because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.

Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.

The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .

 

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But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .

“I’m totally judging you Spencer, right now.”

Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER.  Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal.  Mama Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student  feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage.  She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.

Uh Oh!  I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . . 

Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .

Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again 

Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.

That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .

B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby.  But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats.  In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot.  “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.

In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”

“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?” 

However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing.  Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation.  This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room.  Honestly,   I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time.   Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .

“I’ve got my eye on you Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”

Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight.  In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them.  After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing.  Stakes are high, indeed . . .

PLL Girl Reunion and Gloved Hand Reprise

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Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment.  In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason.  After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂  Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.

Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully.  And you could really feel the love between these two girls.  All together now . . . AWWWWWW!

The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .

Uh oh!  Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .

You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

While You Were Creeping – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Picture This”

“WOAH!  My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO!  I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .” 

Welcome back, my Pretties!   This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .

So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap  . . .

To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .

First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease!  You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!

What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?

All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning.  And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings.  I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.

You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture. 

The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds!  You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring. You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.

Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again.  Seriously, when did this show become PORN?

SPENCER:  “This is as far as I go.  If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”

Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are.  After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy.  Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . .  improvise . . .

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(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna?  Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)

Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed.  Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it.  Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . .  As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .

*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*

That’s right, my Pretties.  Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT!  Any suggestions?.  What does this MEAN for the PLL girls?  (Well, honestly, not much.  Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway.  But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED.  OK?)

 A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS!  (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)

No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . . 

Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too.  Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .

“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.

Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion.  “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies.  (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)

Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show.  But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”

My sentiments exactly, Hanna.  I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh? 

Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2)  invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.

Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.”  And THIS one is a doozy . . .

“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!” 

Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart.  (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)

Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .

“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy!  (You Bastard!)”

 

“Stop looking at me like that, Em!  I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!” 

Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show.  Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .

and THIS ONE . . .

 .  . . and immediately puts two and two together.  (If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.)  Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.”  Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right?  Right?

Later, in the lunchroom . . .

“They are taking her eyeballs out?  COOL!”

“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”

Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants.  This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again.  (See?  And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?)  The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES.   I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars?  She’s got SOME NERVE!

“Jenna is scary enough with four senses.  Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?”  Hanna wonders out loud.

You’re right, Hanna!  Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .

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Be afraid, PLL’ers . . . Be VERY afraid . . .

 But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .

Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks!  Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM!  (And we all know what that means . . .)

“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony!  RUN!” 

After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason.  Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!

“Look at me.  I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”

Nice going, Facelift!  No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY!  Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too? 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!

Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .

“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!

The Last Kiss? 

In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily.  Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.

Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .

“Newly single, and ready to mingle!” 

Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost.  This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick.  Emily, of course, is thrilled.

“I’m THRILLED!” 

Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.”  This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them.  But I digress .  . .

That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .

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One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .

The Bait . . . 

*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it!  It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .

 I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most!  Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends.  For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night.  She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits.  (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.)   She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help.  I could keep going . . .

But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it?   So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.

“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”

“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come.  Thanks ‘A'”!

(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair?  Edward Scissorhands?)

Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .

“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”

Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .

“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey?  I really wish I got her number, last night.” 

And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . .  Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .

Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .

So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb.  But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were?  Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!

When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad.  Why wouldn’t he be?  He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life.  Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .

But hey, family is family, right?  And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years.  (Yes, I’m that cynical.)  Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call.  “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again.  The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her.  Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”

“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this  swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”

The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye .  . . forever now.  He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her.  He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES.  Get used to it.)

Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb.  But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing.  The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements.  “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.

The two then share a touching kiss goodbye.  And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .

“Man, this episode is depressing!” 

When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle.  Way to be an adult, Hanna!

Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .

*sniffles*  OK . . . moving on . . .

Speaking of depressing . . .

“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”

It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.)  Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.

Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing.  Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister.  She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . .  something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.

Speaking of Aria . . .

Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .

“The truth is Aria.  I’m really a vampire.  And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night.  Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.” 

So, you want to hear something shocking.  I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!

NO!  I’M SERIOUS!   This episode all but gave that information away.  The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis.  She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .

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 But Fitzy is oddly hesitant, despite the obvious hard-on he started sporting the minute Aria removed her coat.  “I have class in 15 minutes,” he says, as they start making out hard core . . .

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The party quickly moves to the couch.  And that’s where things REALLY get interesting . . .

At this point, most of us are thinking THIS . . .

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But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .

Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?

But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY.  Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!).  But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.”  Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .

To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .

Now, we’re talkin!

Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED.  (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity!  Nice knowing ya!)  But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .

 “You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear .  . .

AND it’s wake up time . . .

“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.” 

So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .

  And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America.  TEASE!  Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?

“I Care About You, so let’s SCREW!“

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Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . .  But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.”  (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?)  So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.

She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene.  Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire?  It would explain SO MUCH! 

“Invite me in, Aria.  I van’t to suck your blood . . .“

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“I know a member of my own kind, when I see one.”

Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her.  WELL DUHHHHHH!  You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!

Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . . 

Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a neck sucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.

 *nom-nom, nom*  Tastes like chicken . . .

It all seemed a bit rushed to me.  And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has.  Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .

“Rats, foiled again . . .” 

Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . . well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .

The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder.  This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down.  Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.

Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .

Photo Finish

After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .

“Hi, Spencer Face . . . please allow me to introduce you to Emily Face . . .”

What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .

 

SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed .  . . 

Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!  Morons.

“Great!  I needed one of these!”

When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!

Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel

The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone.  Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness?  Only time will tell . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed.  Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!

Geez!  I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.”  Why not invest in a digital camera?

And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties.  Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .

Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason.  Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . .  🙂

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]