“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box. I’m a princess, now. I can do whatever the f*&k I want!”
Greetings, Upper East Siders! It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot . . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .
(Guess which half I care about?)
I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .
When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.
“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”
Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!
Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.
“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”
“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”
“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses. (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)
BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”
DONUT: “I tried a few times. The hairbrushes never made it out alive. I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.”
Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut. “Donut!” She says. “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”
“Go forth, my minion. And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met . . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.”
Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car. But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).
“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her. Dammit weiner! This is all your fault.”
Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed. (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.) First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”
Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess. But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item. “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.
And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . .
Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .
Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop. I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston
wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.
Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!
“Oh the humanity!”
Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb. However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.
Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .
Ah! But here’s the problem. In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!
No worries! Blair Waldorf is a Princess! And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports! Oh wait . . . they aren’t? Well, it sure was a nice try! The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem. Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess. “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .
“Could you say that again, a bit slower? I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.”
The Princess, of course, is furious about this. She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face. How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less. Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!
Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .
The Case of the Missing Princess
Amazing, isn’t it? How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S? Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background. (
I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)
When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot? You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .
Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . . .
“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .”
Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.
Is it a far-fetched idea? Absolutely. But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?
Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment. Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .
Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a. the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only caterer girl in the Upper East Side. Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .
“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .”
Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily. And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .
“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”
Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!
Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions. “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet. Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.” (Solid advice).
“What have you done with Blair?” Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .
“I will cut you, Georgina. (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)”
“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?” Georgina asks nefariously.
She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of
plot development good faith.
Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago. Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly. He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . . one by one.”
“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.
Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Silly Serena! Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?
Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . . But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .
As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts. Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?
In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .
Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality. Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.
“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.”
There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .
“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”
“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may have left.)
Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son. Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats. According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .
Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . .
Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of? Just saying . . .
Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .
Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota, and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . . I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.
“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!”
And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?
Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)
Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .
At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . .
Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that
they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year won’t be discovered. Off they go!
Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars . . . this week.
Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER! Beer? Nate thinks to himself. Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.
“You drink it out of a CAN?! Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”
While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call. “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!” Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece! Gotta run! Toodles!”
Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .
He asks Lola who was on the phone. And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.
“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .
“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?”
And that would be the end of this
boring happy couple. But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house. Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail. Lily, of course, picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate. So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker. Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.
You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . . just sayin.
A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid. What a great mother she is!
In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.” And, really, you can’t blame the guy. I mean his cousin DID try to kill him. That’s going to give anyone trust issues!
“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!”
But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these . . .
“I’m interested in hearing about your world. I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”
Oooh! Rejected! But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena! I hear she’s an easy lay!
What have I done to deserve Donut?
Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE. In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever. “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.
This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing. You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair? The book she NEVER actually read? Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door . . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”
It’s THESE GUYS!
Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot. “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says, crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations. (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)
“I know, right?” Blair replies.
Surprise! Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she? After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl. Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.
Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love. (HOORAY!) She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena. You have to admit, girlfriend has a point. That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!
Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic. Now, THAT’S more like it. But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!
“They will never find me here.”
“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)
Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!
“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”
It’s time for our weekly Chair scene. No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless. Chuck promises to protect Blair . . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her. He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding. And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!
But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him. She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them. She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.
“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.
But Blair has more apologizing to do. So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction. She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows. It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.” They hug. Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on . . . How generous and donuty of him!
She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.
Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS! She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans. (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.) Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.
It’s martyric . . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER. Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?
But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding. And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall. Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants. Please tell me they have those in Monaco. Now, that’s something I’d really like to see. Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it . . .
Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?
I think most of us probably figured that out already. But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for a little while longer. And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!