Scarred for Life – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Furor”

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STILES: “You know, Derek.  I sure am going to miss spending all these magical moments with you, when this show goes on hiatus.”

DEREK: “I think your wallet is digging into my thigh.”

STILES: “My . . . wallet?”  *whistles uncomfortably*

Greetings Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another.  (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)

“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!“

So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .

[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]

In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .

So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?

“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”

“AHHHHH!  Worst . . . sex . . .  tape . .  . EVER!”

One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why.  Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies!  In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .

“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”

This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long.  Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!

“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed.  Soooo many dust bunnies.”

The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory.  So romantic!

After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.

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Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!

*cue the theme song from Titanic*

Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .

In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .

VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.  It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”

DEREK:  “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast.  Or maybe Aladdin.  He was kind of cool.”

Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had.  First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams.  (Does that make sense?)  I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist.  Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .

Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time!  In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.

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What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale.  It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .

The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber  FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life.  Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”

Talk about a rude awakening!  Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?

Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .

The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .

But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title.  You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . .  .

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(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf.  I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder?  Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian.  So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now.  Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)

So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha.  Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”

Yeah, because that’s a great idea!

Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .

In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .

Question:  How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?

Answer: You don’t.  But it sure is fun to try!

Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.

“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”

But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof.  This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.

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(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode?  NO ONE should trust Scott.  Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team.  See analysis above)

The result?  A break in the case!  Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS.  Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE,  where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.

Dude!  That’s what welcome mats are for!

Silly Creepy Camera Guy!  Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?

Just sayin . . .

Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you  guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.

“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”

And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers .  . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”

Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .

In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .

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Poor Allison!  As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH  . . .

You see, that’s the thing,  Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry.  It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments .  . .

In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own.  My theory?  Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent,  wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack.  And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .

ALLISON: “That’s weird.  Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”

GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*

What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.

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Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting.  And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born .  . . for real, this time.

At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face.  He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!)  He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.

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Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .

AHHH!  It’s ALIVE . . . again!

Message sent and received.  Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list.  Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness.  He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.

But Allison is not swayed.  She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.”  In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .

*sniffle, sniffle*

Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.

“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”

It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show.  Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .

“It’s like looking in a mirror.”

Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .

Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt.    It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture.  (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.)  That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play!  Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . .  .

“See?  I’m not all bad!”

In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .

A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.

Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .

You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department.  Don’t you think?  I mean sure, he started out kind of clever,  avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an  innocent.  But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.

More on this, in just a bit . . .

What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!  Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it.  So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .

And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions .  . .

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DEREK: “I think you just bit my nipple.”

STILES: “Did you like it?”

DEREK: “A little bit . . . yeah.”

But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.

However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness.  He wants a copy of the bestiary.  You all remember the bestiary, right?

It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them.  Later, during an office pillow talk session,  Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers.  That’s pretty clever, Derek!

DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”

STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”

DEREK: “F*%k no!  He tried to cut off your head, with his foot.  He can get his own.”

You know what else is clever?  Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .

.  . . but clever . . .

In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .

It’s around this point in the episode,  when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team.  I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned.  What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers.  It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?

Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people.  There’s something kind of circular in that, right?

“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche?  WTF!”

I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable .  . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool.  Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat.  Bummer!

But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!

The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .

Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his  weak murder motives.  But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage.  His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him .  . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.

They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.”  Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people.  Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .

Pretty frightening, right?

Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .

In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .

Silly Gerard!  Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .

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Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”

Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty.  Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself.  “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”

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Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears.  (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)

Then,  Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima.  It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.

“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”

Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes.  Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.

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“WEEEEEEEEE!  I’m flyinnnggggg!“

But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year.  Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway.  Now, that’s just cold!

Hey, Matt.  Take a hint . . .

In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)

I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.

She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms.  The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .

The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout.  Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .

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“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”

It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .

In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .

Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.

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Of course, Derek is around to hear this exchange, and he is NOT amused . . .

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*single manly tear*

There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking.  Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy,  who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation.  And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit  .  . .

In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?”

“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”

The drowning scene was uncomfortably long.  And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.

Neither of these things actually happened.  What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.

Hand porn

My theory on this?  Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did.  This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .

Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high?  Because he HAS been.  And he’s been looking good doing it.  Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”

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MOMMY LIKE!

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees]

I Dream of Dead People (and DELENA KISSES!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The New Deal”

Welcome back, my fellow Fangbangers!  I missed you!  Heck, I missed this show!  Now, I know how Stefan feels, when he’s going through blood withdrawal . . .

All those sad, lonely, desperate Thursday nights without my TVD  . . .  it’s a wonder I didn’t completely lose my head or have Stefan chew it, or Jeremy chop it off with a meat cleaver . . . .

So, of course, this brings up the inevitable question .  . .  Was “The New Deal” worth the interminable wait . . . the sleepless nights . . . the hours spent watching Delena fanvideos on YouTube, while sitting entirely too close to my computer screen?  Survey says . . .

Well, I’ll take that as a yes! 🙂

But wait . . . before I get started on the recap . . . I think I’m forgetting something.  What could I possibly be forgetting?

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Oh . . . yes . . . THAT.  Well, we will definitely be talking about THAT, soon enough.  But first, let’s get all that “other stuff” out of the way.  Shall we? 😉

“If you unbury it, he will come . . .”

We open the episode with a nice close-up shot on Bonnie, who’s dressed like she’s ready to head out for a night of clubbing.

This, of course, caused me to ponder how far away the nearest dance club is from Mystic Falls.  It’s too bad Vicki’s gone.  She would have known the answer to that question, for sure . . .

But enough about Vicki.  We’re with Bonnie, now.  Mmm-kay?  And Bonnie’s hearing The Whispers.  You know The Whispers, right?  These guys are WAY famous.  If they had an IMDB page, it would probably be longer than Robert De Niro’s.

The Whispers are always popping up in horror movies, and scary TV shows, and telling the protagonist to do BAD THINGS:  “steal that precious object,” “cheat on your wife,” “kill That Guy,” “eat more Chicken McNuggets.”

Unfortunately, here, The Whispers just want Bonnie to go into Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Dead Witchcraft and Mildew.  Bonnie obeys.  (Far be it for her to disobey The Whispers!)  She goes into the basement of the Ugly House.  There are four coffins there.  (Gee golly!  I wonder what it all means?)

It’s a nice day for a vamp funeral  . . . or four . . . 

The Whispers tell Bonnie to open one of the coffins.  (They sure can be bossy . . . those Whispers.)  And when she does .  . . well . . . you’ll never guess who’s in there!  It’s KLAUS!  And he just looks like the happiest Dead Guy ever! 

“Oh, hey Bonnie!  Do you know where the bathroom is in this place?  I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.”

He’s also wearing some seriously tacky Man Bling on his finger and neck.

“Real Men” apparently wear insanely ugly jewelry . . . 

Hey, maybe Bonnie has decided to go clubbing, after all!  She notices that Klaus’ Man Bling would look TOTALLY AWESOME with her shiny gold-plated  halter top, and black leather jacket.  Should she take them?  The Whispers say go for it!  Klaus won’t need jewelry where he’s going.

“My Preciousssss!” 

Bonnie reaches down to take the jewelry.  Bad girl!  Someone grabs her from behind.  Now, she’s really going to get it!  No one has ever stolen Man Bling from the Original Hybrid, and lived to tell the tale.  At home on the couch, TVD fans hold their breaths, awaiting her witchy demise . . .

Or not . . .

You see, Bonnie was just dreaming . .  .  But you probably already knew that, didn’t you?  You sly little fangbanger, you!

“Great, now I have to pee like a racehorse . . .” 

“Hey, Hot Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid!  Wanna Race?”

While Bonnie’s still in Dreamland, our girl Elena is out kicking ass, and taking names.

Actually, she’s jogging.  And yet, given Elena’s track record with vampires, werewolves, hybrids and other assorted demons, I kind of think learning how to run away is a much better use of her time, don’t you think?  Of course, there’s only one problem: HUMANS CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES . . .

“Doh!”

Speaking of the aforementioned OBVIOUS premise, I think it’s kind of funny that, after finishing her 5K race, or, however, long it is that our girl jogs, Elena looks at her stop watch, and gives herself a mental pat on the back for her improved speed.

You can almost hear her saying in her head.  “I finished in 25 minutes.  That’s 30 seconds faster than last time!  That means I should now be able to run a full 30 seconds, before whatever vampire is chasing me that week chews my legs off . . . or whatever . .  .

Elena’s self-congratulatory mood is short-lived however, because someone is jogging behind her.  He’s kind of hot .  . . but not Damon hot,  or Tyler hot . . . just normal run-of-the-mill hot.  He is also wearing the Blue Hoodie of Death, and has Senseless Kill of the Week written all over him.

“Hey . . . is that guy looking at my ass?  He better not be looking at my ass.”

Elena knows that none of these things are good signs.  She starts to panic.  But maybe she’s just being paranoid?   He could just be a Random Running Guy, right?  Elena breathes a sigh of relief.

Then, she remembers what television show she’s on, and starts running like hell . . .

At home, we’re counting the seconds before This Guy goes into warp speed and chews off Elena’s legs.  But he just keeps following her at regular speed . . . no . . . scratch that . . . slow speed  . . . Elena’s kicking his ass.  This guy’s a chump!

And then . . . like that . . . he’s gone.

So, you can imagine Elena’s surprise when he comes back again IN THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where we last saw him.  He bumps into Elena on purpose, while mumbling apologies about how he should really watch where he’s going.

“Has anybody ever told you that you have a great ass?” 

At this point, Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” starts playing in my head, “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, run, run, out-run my hybrid . . .”

That’s how the song goes, isn’t it?

Three Cheers for the Klaus-ageddon!

Later, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Bonnie and Elena are swapping stories about their CRAZZZY mornings.

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I just keep wondering where Caroline is during all this?  Don’t they realize that Caroline’s boyfriend just became Gay for Klaus, and she’s in an Extremely Vulnerable State, right now?  They couldn’t have asked her to come along for their little breakfast session?  HOW RUUUUUDE!

“Don’t mess with me.   I eat girls like you for breakfast.  No . . . seriously . . . for breakfast this morning, I ate a girl that looked just like you.” 

Speaking of rude, Bonnie, who has NO TACT, WHATSOEVER, decides that this is the perfect time to bring up He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, a.k.a. Stefan.  “He betrayed us.  The Stefan we know is gone,” replies Elena, in a voice that says, “Keep on this subject, and I’ll start asking you about Luka.  Remember him, Bon-Bon?”

By the way, did you all notice how Elena said “us”  . .  . as in “Damon and I are an “us” now.  Get used to it?”  Because, I certainly did. 😉

Speaking of Damon, I think it’s adorable (in a highly dysfunctional way) that my TV Boyfriend is such a raging alcoholic that the bartender basically puts an entire shelf full of liquor in front of him, so that he can mix his own drinks at his leisure, despite the fact that it’s probably about 11 a.m. in TVD-land .  . .

Damon’s kind of bummed though, because Boy Toy Alaric is being a TOTAL kill joy, and not drinking with him.   LAME!  So, Damon tries to entice him . . . first with his baking skills (“I’ve got a screw driver, and a bloody mary.  It’s brunch in a bottle”), and then with his sexual wiles (“Let’s get naked.”)

Come on, Chunky Monkey!  Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.  Get naked with your bromantic buddy.  It’s not like we all haven’t seen it before . . .

But alas, Alaric is in no mood for sex games with Damon.  He’s seriously bummed out, because he had to fail Jeremy on a plagiarized history paper.  Damn!  That’s cold.  I thought the whole point of having a history teacher as your pseudo dad is so you can get straight A’s?

Apparently, Alaric is skulking at the bar, in order to perform his first of many interventions on his errant not-so-son (seriously, the Scooby Gang must have spent at least ten minutes during this hour Waiting for Jeremy), as soon as the latter arrives at work.  Not so fast, No Longer Alchy-ric!  Sexy Female Bartender says Jer Bear got canned from The Only Bar / Social Establishment weeks ago.

Ruh-roh!  I guess this means Matt Donovan is going to have to go back to being the Only Waiter at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls again . .  .There goes your social life, Matty Boy!

But don’t worry.  You still have your sister and your mom to hang out with . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind . . .

“Let’s get drunk and shoot some stuff . . .”

Speaking of Naughty!Jeremy, he’s out in the woods with Tyler, boning drinking cheap beer, and shooting stuff with crossbows.  (How very hillbilly of them!)

“Hey Ty, after this, are you up for some cow-tipping?”

Much like the rest of us, Jeremy wonders out loud, why Tyler is suddenly so interested in hanging out with him, considering that the two of them have had virtually nothing to do with one another, since that time back in Season 2, where Tyler’s dad just died, and Jer Bear and Ty-Ty discovered that they both liked to draw supernatural creatures, drink booze, and screw slutty soon-to-be-dead girls . . .

Tyler responds that “Since you are leaving the show for a while,  the writers thought it might be nice to throw those much-neglected Team Jyler fans a mildly homoerotic bone, while they still could.  “I’m pissed at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped your ass . . . the point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.”

Oh Tyler!  How you slay me with your eloquent wordsmith-ery!  It almost makes me forget that you are about to RUIN THIS POOR BOY’S LIFE, FOREVER . . . almost.

Now, don’t even try looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours. Because it’s just not going to work . . . 

Jeremy instructs Tyler to get out of the way, since he’s drunk and is about to “shoot stuff,” just like Tyler said.  But Tyler’s all, “Heyyyy . . .  I’m a hybrid.  Why not shoot me?  Come on!  I know you wanna!”

Is it just me, or is Tyler particularly screencappable today?  It’s almost as if becoming a hybrid has provided him with an entirely new range of facial expressions to try out . . . 

In the first of many Helpful Hybrid Tips Tyler reveals throughout the episode, Vampy Teen Wolf explains that the only way to really kill a hybrid is to chop off it’s head, while it’s unconscious.  Good to know . . .

Jeremy then shoots Tyler with the crossbow, and Tyler catches it.  Bo-ring!  I thought he was going to deflect it with his Massive Muscular Man Chest.  Maybe next time . . .

Elena ponders the Epic Question that has plagued fangirl bloggers for years:  What is Damon Salvatore’s Most Attractive Look?

“Oops . . . I cockblocked again.” 

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, a slightly slurry but still maddenly gorgeous Damon has told Elena about Jeremy’s little Work Mishap, in between his fifth shot of scotch, and his second round of darts.  (Fortunately, the drinks haven’t negatively impacted his aim or, as we will see soon enough, his pick-up lines.)

“If I’m this good at hitting a bullseye with a dart, just imagine how good I might be at locating other sensitive areas.”

Mama Elena, of course, is “very, very disappointed in Jer Bear,” and has been leaving increasingly frantic phone messages on his cell phone, as a result.  Damon, however, seems completely unfazed.  He tries to calm Elena down, by reminding her that Jeremy is a teenager . . . and that being sullen and sometimes irresponsible is simply what teens do.

“Elena, you seem so tense.  I hereby renew the request I made earlier to Alaric, that we all get naked.  I’ll go first.” 

(I always find it interesting how much the rest of the Scooby Gang is constantly noting how young and impressionable Jeremy is, when he’s really only two years younger than Elena.  After all, 16-years old, isn’t exactly a toddler, especially when you consider that Elena, herself, was just a year older than that, when the series started.  The issue of Jeremy’s “youth” will come into play again, later on in the episode.   So, stay tuned . . .)

Funny . . . he doesn’t look like he needs a diaper change . . .

Even when Damon seems carefree and tipsy, he’s always looking out for Elena, and trying to make her feel better about the admittedly horrible situations in which she seems to find herself on a nearly daily basis.  He does this by lifting her spirits with flirty humor, and comforting words, disguised as nonchalant banter.  It’s only when Elena’s truly distraught, that he allows himself to get serious with her, and let his true feelings show, as we will see later in the episode  . . .

Elena is always looking out for Damon too . . . She just does it in a more obvious way.   I like how Elena sees Damon joking around, and looking seemingly drunk and happy, but instinctively knows that he is smarting from his brother’s betrayal, while still missing him terribly, and hiding all this pain behind glibness and false bravado.  “Are you OK?”  She asks him, her brows furrowed, and her eyes filled with obvious concern (among other things) for this beautiful vampire.

“Are you OK because I don’t want you to be too drunk to ravish me in your bedroom, after we make out, later tonight?”

But Damon is no fool.  He has no desire to rehash the Stefan Salvatore Saga with the woman he loves.  And he’s much too selfless, at least when it comes to her, to bring her down, by recounting his own personal woes.  Instead, he uses this as an opportunity for flirtation.

Damon confidently strolls into Elena’s personal space, and inquires which of his many looks she finds the most attractive, since she admitted that his Drunken Frat Vampire visage isn’t her “favorite.”  Flustered, Elena quickly counters that she doesn’t necessarily find any of his looks attractive.   However, the way she’s staring at his lips, and pawing at his chest, when she says it, makes me think that, even as she denies it, Elena is mentally perusing a catalogue of her favorite Damon Looks, in order to choose the most erotic one.

“Pick ME, Elena . . . pick ME!”

Now, I’m no mind reader, of course.  But my guess is that THIS is the look she ultimately chose . . .

As with most sexy Delena moments, this one gets cockblocked by Klaus, who seems to be enjoying the Delena Show just as much as the rest of us.  “Don’t mind me,” he says with a smirk, as he approaches the Dartboard of Looooooove . . .

Source 

“Damon, my brother . . . you better hit that, soon.  Because if you don’t, I will . . .”

Klaus hasn’t shown up alone, though.  He’s got his good pal The Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid with him . . .  Soon-to-be-Headless has a name, apparently.  It’s “Tony.”  I’m just choosing not to remember it.  (I mean, why bother, right?)  Damon’s left nipple has had more screen time than this guy will ever have on TVD . . .  He did have a cute head, though . . .

“Coincidentally, Damon’s left nipple also happens to be named ‘Tony.'”

As always, Klaus has a special request for his favorite couple.  He wants them to help him find his  sister, and Grave Robbing Stefan.  If they do that, he’ll be a good little Mystic Falls neighbor, and leave them alone . . . well . . . at least until he needs Elena’s blood again to make more hybrid minions.  Something tells me he’ll have at least one less of those by the end of the episode . . .

“Damn you, MURDEROUS MEAT CLEAVER!  DAMN YOUUUUUU!” 

As for Elena, she has absolutely no interest in getting in the middle of the b*tch fight between her ex-boyfriend, and his new boyfriend . . .

“That sounds to me like a Klaus and Stefan Problem,” Elena says smartly.  (Damon’s right.  She does get feisty, when she’s angry.)

Klaus, however, considers himself way too important to get himself sassed by a mere human.  He moves closer to her, in order to show her who’s boss.  But then THIS happens . . .

That’s right, boys and girls, Damon shoulders his way between Klaus and Elena, and gives Klaus THE STARE.  Watch out Bad Ass Damon . . . your chivalry is showing!

One of my favorite Klaus moments in the episode was when he giggled at Damon’s obvious show of affection for Elena.  I know that part of him sees this as a weakness of Damon’s that he can exploit.  But I strongly suspect that another part of him just sees it as really hot . . .

“This is me broadening the scope,” responds Klaus to Elena’s retort, before exiting stage left.

Well played you adorable, curly-haired, villain, you!

Somebody call an interior decorator (or an exorcist) . . .

Elsewhere, Bonnie return to Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew .  . . a.k.a. home of The Whispers.  Honestly, you would think that a house inhabited by a bunch of ghostly witches would be more aesthetically pleasing.  The resale value must be next to nada.  HGTV would most definitely not approve.

Behold . . . a house that only a dead person could love. 

Bonnie is only mildly surprised to learn that Stefan (who’s still looking all cold and Ripper-y, despite his recent de-compulsion by Klaus) has been living here.  Quite a step down from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, I’d say!  Not to mention the fact that he used to share a mansion with one person.  Now he’s sharing a two-bedroom colonial with four staked Originals, and a bunch of dead witches, who are perpetually on the rag . . .

“Damon, let me move back in and I promise I will never make fun of your massive bath soap collection again.” 

Stefan wants Bonnie to  use a spell to help keep the coffins hidden from Klaus.  Bonnie is uncertain she has enough nosebleeds left in her to do this . . .

It’s Time for Hybrids 101, with your Trusty Professor, Tyler Hotpants . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric and Elena are waiting in the kitchen to attempt their second Jer Bear intervention.  But when Jeremy finally arrives home, he’s all “Not without My Tyler.”  Suddenly, Mr. Gay for Klaus, himself, has been invited inside the Gilbert home.  And guess who’s sticking around for dinner?

“Hey, do you mind if I use your neck for a few seconds?  I haven’t fed all day.” 

Clearly speaking for the TVD fandom, Alaric wonders out loud what exactly the difference is between being Klaus’ “sire” and doing everything he says, and being compelled to do whatever Klaus says . . .

“Yes Master, I will absolutely color coordinate with you, the next time we go out to pick up chicks.” 

At first, Tyler is actually pretty convincing in his support of siring.  Tyler explains that he “obeys” Klaus, because he feels indebted to him for saving him from a life of painful monthly transformations, and, of course, mortality.  He also assures the Gilbert clan that he’s still his own man, and can disobey Klaus whenever he feels like it.  It’s kind of like a crack junkie, who says, “I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to do so.”

But as convincing as Tyler’s initial arguments might have been, he shoots himself in the foot by admitting that he would rip his heart out of his chest, if Klaus asked him nicely to do it . . .

So, let me get this straight, Ty-Ty. You are forever indebted to Klaus for saving your life .  . . so indebted, in fact, that if he asked you to KILL YOURSELF, you would do it?  I don’t know . . .  that sounds a heck of a lot like compulsion to me . . .

Oh, and Tyler?  Elena and Alaric are TOTALLY judging you, now . . .

Damon finds a new drinking buddy . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Klaus has just let himself in, completely uninvited.  By now, the whole notion that this house is owned by Elena, and therefore, no one can be invited in, unless she says so, has been completely forgotten in TVD land.  Damon might as well open a Bed-in-Breakfast, considering all the supernatural creatures, who come and go as they please.  They don’t call it the Salvatore Boarding House, for nothing . . .

Klaus has come to drink with Damon, flirt with him shamelessly, b*tch about Stefan, and,  of course, re-issue his offer to stop cock blocking Damon and Elena, and killing off their friends, provided the couple help him locate his pretty little coffins.  Unfortunately for Klaus, Damon would probably respond much better to compulsion than flirtation, as he seems to be the only male character on this show who’s completely immune to the Original Hybrid’s unique charms.

But Klaus can’t compel Damon, because Damon’s been drinking vervain.  So, instead the Big Bad Vamp metaphorically waves his weiner at his younger nemesis, by making a Mysterious Phone Call, in which he instructs SOMEONE to do SOMETHING he told them to do earlier . . .

SPPOOOOOKKKYYY . .  .

Always look both ways before crossing the street (or responding to a hypnotic phone call) . . .

In a scene that is extremely reminiscent of the one from Plan B, in which Katherine compelled Useless Aunt Jenna by phone to stab herself in the chest, after dinner, we see Jeremy in the corner, engaged in a clandestine conversation.  After he hangs up the phone, Jeremy sits back at the kitchen table, as if nothing happened.

But moments later, when Mama Elena and Papa Alaric stupidly turn their back on Jeremy to wash dishes, and make fun of Tyler, and his silly Sire-y Ways, Jer Bear takes off his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality and walks out into the street, looking like the Hottest Zombie Ever!

He then dazedly stands in the middle of the road and waits for a car to come and run him over into oblivion.  Now, last I checked, Elena lives in a suburban development, where the speed limit in front of her house is probably a whopping 25 mph.  You would think, at that slow speed, someone might notice a teenage boy standing in the middle of the road, like a moron.

Death Car for Cutie 

A-ha!  But Klaus took care of that too!  Because, sure enough Busy Bee, Soon-to-be Headless Hybrid is cruising on the street at about 90 mph.  (Annnnd . . . now we know why Jeremy had to take off his ring.  If a HUMAN drove the car into him, the ring wouldn’t save him.  But because Soon-to-be Headless did it, it’s considered a Supernatural Death.  Well, technically, the compulsion is supernatural too and . . . nevermind.)

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Fortunately, Alaric, who, as we all know, has been holding on to the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality that Uncle / Father John gave Elena, back in “The Hybrid,” jumps in front of the car just in time to push Jeremy out of the way.  The good news is that he saves Jeremy’s life . . .

The bad news is that Alaric is dead .  . . for now .  . .

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In a rather unnecessary “I told you so,” moment, Elena informs a very shaken-up Jeremy that (1) he’s been compelled by Klaus to kill himself; and (2) his so-called good buddy Tyler has only been hanging out with him, so that he could compel him off vervain.  Way to rub salt in the wound, Elena . . .

Like the compelled suicide attempt itself, this aspect of Klaus’ plan is also similar to Katherine’s from “Plan B.”  If you recall, Katherine posed as Elena,  in order to get Jenna to stop taking vervain . . .

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So, while Klaus gets an “A” for deviousness.  He gets a “C” for originality.  Sorry, Original Hybrid!

Elsewhere, Klaus is busy building his future Mystic Falls home, (which, honestly, I thought would be much bigger), when Tyler arrives MORALLY OUTRAGED by what Klaus almost succeeded in doing to Jeremy, and the part he played in it.  (Seriously, Tyler, you made the dude stop taking vervain, in the service of someone who HATES his family.  What exactly did you think was going to happen?)

Klaus calmly tells Tyler, more or less, to man-up.  (hybrid-up?)  “You need to get over your conscience.  Human life is a means to an end,” Papa Bear explains patronizingly to Baby Bear.

I love how Klaus refers to a “conscience” as something you can simply “get over,” like a head cold, or a bad stomach flu . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house, Damon has, once again, come to Elena’s aid.  “How’s [Alaric]?”  He asks, with obvious concern for his bromantic drinking buddy.

“He’s still dead,” replies Elena conversationally.

If you recall, the first few times Alaric died, wearing his ring, he came back to life, within mere minutes.  But, back in “Disturbing Behavior,” when Damon killed him, it seemed to take at least an hour.  This time, Alaric is dead for multiple hours, and experiences additional complications that I will address in just a bit.  No word yet, on why Alaric’s ring seems to be offering it’s wearing increasingly diminishing returns.  Perhaps, even when it comes to Magical Rings, there’s a limit to how many “Get Out of Death Free” cards, a person is entitled to use . . .

 ‘This is depressing . . . I need another drink.”

Leaving Alaric to . . . um . . .  rest in peace, Damon and Elena discuss their respective plans to finally rid Klaus from their lives for good.  Elena wants to return Rebekah to Klaus, so that he can undagger her.  But Damon won’t hear of it.  He hates the idea of Rebekah seeking vengeance against Elena, considering that Elena is the one who staked her, in the first place.  As for Damon’s plan, he wants to give Klaus back his precious coffins, if only he knew where they were . .  .

Remembering Bonnie’s dream, Elena thinks she knows exactly where to look, and calls Bonnie to confirm . . .

But before Elena and Damon can head off on their Next Big Kill Klaus Plan, Little Bro Jer has some haunting parting words for them both: “None of us are going to make it out of here alive,” he warns.

(By the end of the episode, of course, we know that for certain, that Jeremy’s words aren’t entirely true, considering that ONE person gets out of Mystic Falls, very much alive.  But could this possibly be a foreshadowing of Elena eventually being turned into a vampire?  Stay tuned .  . .)

Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

So, remember last season, when Damon tried to enter Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew, for the first time?

Well, apparently, female witches are quite good at holding grudges, because they are still up to their same shenanigans, when Damon tries to enter the house, this time.  My only question is, why are they still so Pro Stefan, especially considering what a major douche he’s become, of late . . .

At first, Damon waits outside, while Elena tries to talk some sense into Stefan.  “Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets,” Stefan pouts, when Elena admits to knowing exactly why Stefan is there and what he’s doing.

I’ll admit, I’m a bit shocked when Elena tells Stefan that Klaus will KILL Jeremy, if he doesn’t put an end to this vendetta, and Stefan barely bats an eyelash.  “That’s not my problem,” he says callously.

WOW!  Even Compelled Zombie Ripper Stefan wasn’t this cold!  Considering that Stefan claims to be doing all this to save his own brother, you would think he would be more sympathetic to Elena’s desire to do the exact same thing.  I’m glad when she finally slaps him.  He’s had that one coming to him for quite awhile, now . . .

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Having heard everything that went on inside Ugly House, Damon grabs hold of Elena’s hand to comfort her over what she’s just endured.  “You deal with your brother, and I’ll deal with mine,” Damon assures Elena, sweetly, offering her that sad half smile, he seems to reserve exclusively for her . . .

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“Cutthroat and Devious.”

Fighting the torturous sunburn he’s getting, Damon rushes into the house to talk to Stefan . . . and, of course, by “talk” I mean “beat up.”  I kind of feel like Damon and Stefan fight with one another the way other brothers hug, or give eachother Manly Back Pats.  And when they stake one another, it’s like their own super secret handshake . . .

During the fighting, grunting, staking, and de-staking, Damon cleverly manages to throw his brother out of the Ugly Witch House, before he starts to look like a cast member on the Jersey Shore.  But before they can discuss anything else, Damon has one question he’s been dying to ask his brother since before the hiatus, namely: “Why didn’t you just let Mikael kill Klaus, Ya MORON?”

“I did it to save YOU,” Stefan admits in a way that is surprisingly sheepish, and heartfelt, especially considering the icy way he dealt with Elena earlier.

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Elena is absolutely right.  Damon truly is the key to Stefan’s humanity.  Right now, he’s the only one to whom the latter is willing to show that he still has it.  Honestly, the whole fight scene was kind of hilarious (yet oddly sexy), as was Damon’s occasional bratty remarks,  like “No wayyyyyy,” and “STOP SAVING ME!”

Once they are done trying to temporarily kill one another, Damon and Stefan eventually come to a truce.  “In order to defeat Klaus, you need to be cutthroat and devious,” Damon explains to his little brother.  “I am so much better at that than you.”

Stefan does not necessarily disagree.  The brothers ultimately agree that they  will work together (along with Bonnie) to keep the coffins from Klaus, provided Elena has no part in their plan.

*insert girly growling noises here* 

It’s nice to know that Stefan still has some concern for Elena’s well being.  And it’s interesting to see how, now, the shoe is on the other foot.  Back in “Rose,” Damon compelled Elena to forget his love declaration for her, because he thought that Stefan was “better for her.”

Now, it’s Stefan who’s keeping his distance from Elena, and continuously pushing her away, at least partly, because he knows that Damon will love and protect her, no matter what . . .

As for the coffins, they’ve been hiding in the Ugly Witch House the entire time, only becoming visible when the witches want them to be seen.  (Well, at least there’s ONE person those vengeful witches seem to hate more than Damon .  . . Klaus).  Toward the end of the episode, Bonnie notes that if The Whispers are right, one, in particular, will be the key to Klaus’ undoing.  It’s the fourth coffin, the only one that DOESN’T contain an Original Family Member within it.  Could this coffin be the one that houses the First Petrova?

Everything Comes to a Head . . . Literally

They say that the definition of “stupidity” is doing the same thing multiple times, and continuing to expect different results.  That was exactly what I thought about, when I saw Jeremy once again trying to shoot Tyler with a crossbow, and Tyler once again, catching it.  I don’t know.  Perhaps, this was just Jeremy’s unique way of “breaking up” with Tyler.  No more sex in the champagne room for these two!

Nonetheless, Tyler still obviously has enough of a soul, and independent spirit to want Jeremy stay alive.  And for that reason, Tyler warned him that he should stay in his house, because Klaus wasn’t finished with him yet . . .

Back at the Gilbert House, Alaric is FINALLY coming back to life .  .  . That’s the “good news.”  The bad news is that he’s coughing up blood, and somehow still near death’s door.  Apparently, while the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality has kept his heart beating, it hasn’t bothered to cure his injuries, thereby making it the Lazy Ass Ring of Immortality.

At this rate, a friggin crossbow would be more effective at protecting Alaric than his ring . . . 

A frantic Elena calls the ambulence.  But by the time they arrive, someone else is there compelling them to leave.   Surprise!  It’s Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid!  Seriously, Klaus?  Again?  This is like on that show Punk’d, when all the pranks starred that same Dax guy for about five seasons, and Ashton Kutcher wondered why suddenly none of the celebrities were being fooled anymore.  If Klaus supposedly has all these fabulous sired hybrids, why the heck does he keep using this same one?

“Howdy . . .” 

Anywhoo . . . Soon-to-be-Headless tells Elena that, now that the ambulence is gone, Alaric’s only shot at survival is to invite the hybrid inside, and let Alaric drink his blood.  I guess this would make Alaric a plain-old vampire, since only Klaus, himself, could make hybrids, and Alaric was never a werewolf.  Elena seems torn, having been in a not-entirely-different situation to Alaric herself,  not long ago.

Fortunately, however, she doesn’t have to make that choice for Alaric, because Soon-To-Be-Headless was just crossbowed.  That’s right. Jeremy is BACK, baby!  But wait, he hasn’t finished with the hybrid yet.  Striding into the house, like it’s no big THANG, Jeremy reemerges on the porch with a meat cleaver and hacks off Now-Actually-Headless’s skull, as easily as if he’s cutting through butter.

Now, admittedly, this is not the most realistic rendition of a decapitation.  In real life, Jeremy would probably have to spend an hour methodically chipping at this guy’s neck, to get through the skin alone.  But that’s OK.  Because, while this may have been the fakest Head Chop EVER, it was also the sexiest.  I mean, can you imagine getting turned on by decapitation?  I can . . . now!  Heck, even the blood splatters on Jeremy’s face, upon finishing the job are hot!

They look kind of like freckles . . .

Elena doesn’t necessarily think so, though.  She’s choking back tears . . . not necessarily because she gives two sh*ts about Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid.  Nope, she’s merely mourning the loss of Jeremy’s innocence.  Oh honey, you forget that Jeremy once dated Vicki Donovan.  I hate to break it to you, Big Gilbert, but that Innocence Ship sailed away a LOOOOONG time ago . . .

Paging, Dr. Fell . . .

At the hospital, Alaric’s doctor is Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill.  No, I’m sorry, I mean, Psychotic B*tch Sister Melissa from Pretty Little Liars.  OMG, how am I supposed to trust this woman, when every single solitary role she takes, her character ends up being a totally evil wackadoo.  (She’s also Paul Wesley’s real-life wife.  Go figure!)

Anywhoo, Doctor Not-Crazy-Nanny-Carrie and Not-Psychotic-B*tch-Sister-Melissa is super flirty with Alaric.  She’s also super intrigued by his miraculous healing abilities and wants to study him in a lab.  (Not the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard . . . but I’ve certainly heard better.)

Dr. Fell’s “game” improves a bit, when she asks Alaric if he has a guardian angel, or he “sold his soul to the devil.”  Alaric’s clever reply, “a little bit of both,” actually describes Damon Salvatore to a tee, don’t you think?

But more important than her flirting abilities, perhaps, is the “good” doctor’s name.  Dr. Fell wants Alaric to call her by her first name: Meredith.  Intrepid TVD book fans will recall that “Meredith” was Book Elena’s smart, sardonic, dark-haired, and olive-complexioned “other best friend,” aside from Bonnie.  They will also recall that “Meredith” dated the vampire hunter / history teacher, Alaric Saltzman throughout most of the series.

So, is this the TVD writers way of FINALLY introducing this character — who by the way, was a real fan favorite — into the television series?  Well, that remains to be seen.  Torrey Devitto definitely “looks” the way Meredith was described in the books (though she’s about ten years older).  But I just don’t trust her . . . and if she’s a character I can’t trust, she’s NOT Book Meredith.  Sorry Crazy Nanny Carrie . . .

A “fair trade” . . .

In a scene and plotline that was surprisingly reminiscent of Elena’s decision to go against both Salvatore’s wishes, and un-dagger Elijah, so that he could help her kill Klaus, Elena decides to invite Klaus into her home . . .

. . .  and offer him the not-particularly-dead Staked Rebekah, in exchange for a promise of Jeremy’s continued safety.  Before Klaus can accept the bargain, Elena lets him know two important pieces of information: (1) Elena, as we know was the one who staked Rebekah.  So, if Klaus still needs Elena, for her blood, or just for leverage, Klaus will have to keep Rebekah from killing the Petrova Doppelganger.  (2) Rebekah knows that Klaus killed their mother.

Klaus ultimately accepts the terms of Elena’s deal, but still wants Elena to help him find Stefan.  Elena hasn’t turned her back on her former beau quite enough yet to reveal his whereabouts to Klaus.  She does let the Original Hybrid, however, that there is no longer any love lost between the pair.  “Stefan doesn’t care about me, anymore,” she explains resolutely.  “You turned him into a monster, and now he’s your problem.”

Recognizing that Stefan is no longer a sufficient bargaining chip to auction in exchange for Elena’s loyalty,  and that Jeremy is now off the table, Klaus reminds Elena that he can still kill other people she loves, like Caroline, Bonnie, or . . . . wait for it . . . DAMON!

NOOOOOOO!

Needless to say, Klaus threat was  a highly effective one . . .

Someone’s in the kitchen with Elena . . .

Speaking of Damon, back at the Gilbert house, he chivalrously agrees to dispose of Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid’s body, while Elena frantically scrubs at her bloody hands.  (Why are you’re hands so bloody, Elena?  And don’t say it’s from “cleaning the porch,” because I don’t buy it.  Did you soak them in the Poor Guy’s disembodied skull?)

Back in “Homecoming” Elena took a very angry, betrayed, drunk, and frightened, Damon’s face in both of her hands, and told him him that they would survive whatever Klaus through their way . . . together.  Now, in “The New Deal,” Damon is returning the favor.  His “are you all right?”  absolutely echoes Elena’s own words to him, earlier in the episode.

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 And the way Damon pulls Elena’s shaking body and tear-stricken face toward his own and promises her that he will fix things for her, and her increasingly dysfunctional family says so much about what these two individuals mean to one another, and the way each lifts the other up, when they are feeling particularly weak and vulnerable . . .

(Sidenote: I noticed that, while Elena immediately admitted to giving up Rebekah to Klaus, Damon, though clearly torn about it, kept his alliance with Stefan from Elena.  Presumably, Elena still thinks Damon agrees with her about giving up the coffin.  I just hope this little white lie doesn’t come back to bite Damon in the butt later, especially considering the AMAZING place these two finally have reached in their relationship . . .)

For your own good . . .

How interesting that both Klaus and Elena “give up” their younger siblings, purportedly for their own good, and to “keep them safe,” but possibly for selfish reasons as well.  Klaus shows some surprisingly vulnerability when he de-stakes Rebekah in the house he has built in order to reunite with his family.  He watches her hand twitch back to life with excitement and anticipation.

But then he remembers Elena’s words.  I think Klaus re-stakes Rebekah, because he doesn’t want to face the way she will look at him, now that she knows he has killed their mother.  He fears her disappointment . . . her accusations . .  . and her judgments.  So, while, I’m sure a part of him keeps Rebekah daggered to “protect” her from those who would use her against him, a larger part of him does it to protect himself . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Damon finds Jeremy in Elena’s bedroom and tells him that his sister thinks it’s time the two of them had another one of their talks.  He’s surprisingly paternal about it, just as he was the first time Damon compelled Jeremy, in order to make him forget the circumstances surrounding Vicki’s death.  Damon’s compulsion here has the same effect, more or less.  It takes away Jeremy’s pain, and leads him to Denver for a new life . . . one that is free from supernatural threats . . . one that will most likely not require him to chop off some hybrid’s head to save his family.

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But Damon also takes away Jeremy’s natural concern for the well-being of his sister, and that troubled me a bit.  Aside from my not wanting to see the character go, I’m just not sure how long compulsion like that could stick.  How many times will Jeremy brush off inquiries about his family back home, before he starts to wonder himself, whether something is missing from his life?  Perhaps, this was done on purpose to allow Steven R. McQueen to return to the show at a later date . . .

I hope so, because I feel like this story is not over.  By having Damon compel Jeremy, she kept him safe, but she also removed his free will, and treated him like a child.  She did the exact same thing she criticized Damon for doing to her, when he force fed her his own blood, back in “The Last Day.”  Of course, she did it out of love . . . but I think she also did it to help herself feel a sense of control in the crazy world in which she was living, and to free herself from guilt . .  .

And it’s this familial “guilt” that plays a big role in this episode’s epic finale . . .

These lips were made for Ambush Kissing . . .

Back at the end of Season 1, there was a kiss that took place on the Gilbert Porch.  It preceded a speech, in which Damon thanked a person he “thought” was Elena, for making him into a better person, and for seeing him as someone who was worth saving.  And though that person actually ended up being “Katherine,” staunch Delena fans adopted the scene was one of their own, hoping upon hope that it would be revisited, one day . . . and that, this time, it would be REAL . . .

Two years later, we got our wish, but with some crucial differences.  This time, it’s Elena who’s thanking Damon for being there for her . . . for seeing her as someone who is worth saving . . . for making her feel like a better person, even when she’s making morally ambiguous decisions.

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Elena, who wasn’t actually on the porch that last time, doesn’t see the parallel between this scene, and the last one.  But Damon does.  And it’s Elena’s thankfulness that Damon is alive, that reminds him of how Elena was the person who kept him alive on Founder’s Day, but Stefan kept him alive during “Homecoming,”  This makes Damon feel guilty enough to admit to Elena that Stefan hasn’t totally turned off his emotions, and that his continued vitality is at least somewhat responsible for the danger in which all of them are currently enmeshed.

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This expression of guilt causes Elena to wonder, once again, whether Stefan is really lost forever.  However, it causes Damon to feel guilt about something else, entirely, his love for Elena.  But this time, Damon isn’t going to relive the unrequited heartache of “Rose.”  He’s not going to be “selfless” by compelling Elena to forget his kiss . . . his love for her.  Rather, he’s going to own up to the strong feelings he’s felt for this woman for two years now . . . feelings he’s finally starting to see, might be returned.

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Damon’s kiss in “Founder’s Day,” was sweet and tentative.  His kiss here is intense, decisive, passionate, and filled with two years worth of pent-up emotion.  More importantly, Elena kisses him back!   Watch as she grabs the hand he has cupped on her cheek, in order to pull Damon closer, and prolong this beautiful and delicious moment between them . . .

Now, while I would have loved for Elena to have been the one to pull Damon into a kiss, the first time he walked off that porch, in some ways, this was more meaningful, given Damon’s history of always giving up Elena for the greater good.  His manning up to his love for her, will hopefully give her the swift kick in the ass she needs to make the next move.

The song that’s playing during this scene is called “Holding on and Letting Go,” by Ross Cooperman.  While Damon and Elena are kissing the lyrics talk about one door swinging closed, and another door swinging open.  Now, of course, this could refer to any number of things that happened throughout the episode: Alaric’s growing mortality, Tyler’s realization of Klaus’ hold on him, Klaus’ re-staking of Rebekah, Jeremy’s departure, Damon’s and Stefan’s truce . . . but personally, I’m hoping it refers to the state of Elena’s heart . .  .

On that note, check out the extended promo for next week’s episode entitled “Our Town” . . .  (bad segway, I know) . . .

As for our friends in Canada, I’m actually a bit less impressed with the Canadian promo, this time around.   Aside from that “car scene,” which the CW had already released, there isn’t much here, that we didn’t see in the promo above.  Nevertheless, here you go . . .

Now, it’s your turn.  Let me know what you thought about Jeremy’s departure, the Delena kiss, Tyler’s betrayal, Crazy Nanny Carrie’s arrival, Ripper Stefan 8.0, and anything else related to this fabulous show that I feel so lucky to have gracing my television screen, each week.  Until next time, Fangbangers . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Timing has never been our strong suit.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Mid-Season Finale “Riding in Town Cars with Boys”

[A Note about the Gleecap for “Hold on to Sixteen.”  It’s on it’s way, I PROMISE.  Be on the lookout for it later this evening, December 8th.  Sorry for being so very late! 😦  It’s been a crazy couple of days . . .]

“Hey Blair, I have an idea.  Why don’t we NOT get in that death trap of a town car, and have sex right here instead?  I mean, I love Limo Sex as much as the next guy.  But, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather not spend yet ANOTHER hiatus in a coma.”

Hey there, Upper East Siders (and assorted Brooklynites)!  How are you guys doing?  Are you holding up OK, after this week’s episode?

MONKEY: “Where’s my Chuck?  I need to make a pee-pee!” 

Because, I’m not . . .

Case in point:  The title of this recap was originally: YOU LEAVE MY CHUCK BASS ALONE, YOU MEAN OLD GG WRITERS!

However, I thought that might be a bit spoilery, for those who hadn’t seen the episode yet, and were just innocently happening by this blog . . . so, I abstained.  But seriously, they’ve really gotta stop trying to murder our BASS!  Haven’t we been here before . . . like, say, about two seasons ago?

“Why is Josh Schwartz always picking on me?”

OK . . . OK . . . I know they probably aren’t going to kill him.  But still, I have a right to be perturbed, don’t I . . . ESPECIALLY AS A CHAIR FAN?

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But, as usual, I’m getting way ahead of myself here.  So, let’s rewind a bit, shall we?  The title of this recap comes from something Chuck said to Blair, during a very pivotal scene in this episode.  And of course, it goes without saying, that it describes Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, over the past five years, to a tee . . .

But it also describes the various situations in which many of our other GG characters found themselves, this week.  Like for example, Donut Dan, who chose the WORST MOMENT EVER to decide to come clean to a clearly distraught Blair about his feelings for her . . .

 . . . and Serena, who chose the WORST POSSIBLE TIME in the season to decide she wants Dan back . . .

“Wait for Meeeeeee!  I want to go to Brooklyn and eat pizza too!  Unless it has carbs . . . Is there such a thing as carb-free pizza?” 

 . . . and Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, who decided to confess her true identity, at the exact moment when nobody really gave a sh*t.  (Come to think of it, her timing is actually kind of brilliant, when you think about it.)

*insert evil laugh here*

 .  . . and finally, there’s Nate, who chose the WRONG TIME to piss off a suddenly evil politician / relative, not to mention the WRONG TOWN CAR . . .

Let’s start at the beginning . . .

Chuck is aroused.   Blair is bloated.  And both Dan and Serena are in need of a hairbrush . . .

The episode begins, fittingly enough, on the Upper East Side, around breakfast time.  Bromantic Buddies, Chuck and Nate, are drinking coffee and flirting with eachother, as they sometimes do.  Chuck admits, out loud, to Nate that the fact that the latter canceled a date with Mayor Bloomberg aroused him.  (At which point, I admitted, out loud, to myself that Chuck aroused ME, when he said the word “aroused.”  That voice . . . it’s pure sex, I tell you.)

Did I mention that Nate’s a “hard-hitting journalist,” now?  Well, they’ve got the “hard” part right.

“Yee-HAW!” 

Oh, GG!  How you slay me with your unintentional humor!

Anywhoo, Nate is super jealous that Chuck is reading a rival tabloid newspaper.  He wonders whether his boy toy is cheating on him with The Star or The National Enquirer.  Fortunately, Chuck is doing no such thing.  He’s simply reading about the love of his life / soulmate . . .  and how she may be throwing out that cyborg fiance of hers, along with a vacuum clear, a toaster, and various other appliances that no longer work, and, therefore, need to be replaced . . .

And how is Chuck taking this news, you ask?

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He doesn’t care.  Nope, not at all . . . not in the least bit.

After all, tabloids are for old ladies who collect ceramic cats.  (Sorry Nate .  . . and cats.)

And Blair would never really leave the robot father of her baby, WOULD SHE?

Speaking of Blair, it seems she’s finally gaining that baby weight we’ve all heard so much about.  Now, her fingers are like kielbasas (says Dorota), and she can’t fit into Louis-bot’s RING OF DOOM.  (Don’t worry Blair, I suspect there’s a ring sitting on the steps of Harry Winston that will fit MUCH BETTER.)

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Of course, Blair can’t LEAVE the house, now.  After all, if the paparazzi see her without her ring, they will be ALL OVER HER . . . kind of like this . . .

She also can’t take Dorota’s advice, i.e. say to Louis-bot, “Bippity Bobbity Boo, I will never leave you . . .”

Because . . . well, everyone who watches GG knows THAT’S A LIE . . .

Eventually, the paparazzi end up getting INTO Blair’s house, and snapping a picture of her, without her ring, ANYWAY.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Blair decides to go to the one place, where even the sleaziest of reporters wouldn’t dare follow her . . . Humpty Humphrey’s apartment.

Yes, I know, Dan.  You did something kind of awesome for my ship, this week.  So, I should really be nicer to you, at least in the context of this particular recap.  And I’m going to try . . .  really I am.  But I still think you have stupid Fozzie Bear hair . . .

Just sayin . . .

Speaking of the Donut, he starts the episode at the VDW house, bragging about the reprinting of his Dair fanfiction book, and griping about the TRAUMA of having to pen an Author’s Note Afterword, about how much has changed in his life, since he wrote it . . . you know, about three weeks ago.

“Dan fondled Blair’s heaving melons, while riding her like a pony.  She screamed for joy at how bi . . . oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what you’re supposed to write in an Afterword?”

Since Dan and Serena are so often the targets of derision for snarkier, more quick-witted, characters — like Chuck and Blair — it was kind of refreshing to see them be so adept at making fun of eachother, for a change.

“Are you pretending that cup you are drinking from is Blair?  Because, I’m pretending that this piece of fruit I’m about to eat is YOU.” 

For example, I got a hearty laugh out of Dan’s astute observation that the probable reason that Serena was so attracted to Max McPoorPerson was that he’s a total nutbar, much like ALL of her other ex-boyfriends.

“Oh, wait . . . I dated Serena too.  Whoops!’ 

This brother / sister banter / flirt session is interrupted briefly by some boring talk about Faux Charlie’s debutante ball, but continues later in Serena’s bedroom.  (wink, wink).

Derena fanfiction starts here  .  . . 

S and Humpty Humphrey both apologize for saying entirely truthful things to eachother in the kitchen.  Then, Serena tells Dan that he should write his Afterword about how much his Dair fanfiction has changed everyone’s lives for the better . . . everyone that is except Serena and Dan (and their hair).

Dan continues this journey of self-introspection and navel gazing with Papa Rufus, who suggests that Dan “change,” by telling Blair that he has feelings for her.  I don’t know, wouldn’t it be easier for him to just buy a new shirt, or something?  (Because, I’m REALLY getting tired of all that plaid . . .)

That’s better . . . 

Confessions, Epiphanies, and Pizza .  . . 

Meanwhile, Tripp pays Nate a visit.  The scummy politician and Serena’s erstwhile boy toy becomes super jealous, when he learns that Grandpa invited Nate to a Fancy Party for Rich Old People, and Tripp was not invited.

“Whaaaa . . .  but I LOVE RICH OLD PEOPLE!  They always have the best drugs.  It’s not fairrrrrr!” 

Pouty Tripp takes this opportunity to drop TWO bomb shells on Nate.

Bomb Shell # 1 – Grandpa was behind the whole Campaign Leak thingy, from last week.

Bomb Shell #2 – Grandpa was behind getting Nate his cushy job at That Random Trashy Tabloid Paper, he now runs.

Seriously?  Those have to be the lamest bombshells ever.  EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNEW ALL THAT . . .

Well . . . almost everybody. 

Nate confronts his Grandpoppy with all this NEW and SHOCKING information.  And Pops basically says, “Yeah . . . obviously, I did all that!  You think you’d actually be able to get a job like this (lame as it may be) by YOURSELF?  You’re still in college, sweet cheeks.  And nobody has ever even seen you attend a class.”

“By the way, Nate, since we are on the subject . . . I hate to tell you this, but the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real either.” 

Then, Grandpa tries to butter up Nate, by telling him that HE (not TRIPP)  is now being  groomed to lead “the Archibald / Vanderbilt family” into its bright, filthy rich, future .  . . Heaven help them all.  But Nate’s not buying it.  And he doesn’t want to go to that stupid Old Person Party, either!  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandpoopy!

Then, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena finds Nate looking sad.  So, she gives him some pep talk about “being the person you want to be,” or some crap like that.  Of course, if anyone knows about “being who you want to be,” it’s the Army Little Miss Multiple Personality Disorder, herself.

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Oddly enough, it’s THIS speech, that ultimately changes Nate’s mind, and allows him to accept his destiny as . . . the kind of guy who goes to Rich Old People Parties . . .

Honestly, I just really like this picture, even though it has no relevance, whatsoever to what I just typed. 

Speaking of Faux Charlie, Max McPoorPerson is still on her tail, begging for money, and telling anyone who WON’T listen, what a fraud she is, in hopes that he can sell her torrid story to the tabloids for some big bucks.   But McPoorPerson finally strikes it “rich,” when he overhears Grandpoopy telling Tripp (in public, of course), that Nate’s the new FAMILY FAVORITE PET, not him.  McPoorPerson then approaches, McUsedtoBeImportant, and they decide to help one another out . . .

“MWAH-HA-HA!  I’ve McGot you now, Faux-Charlie!” 

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Serena is reading old Gossip Girl posts.   Somehow, they convince her to fall in love with Dan again . . .  basically, because he’s slightly less of a tool / manwhore than 98% of the other guy’s she’s dated in her lifetime.

Of course, she’s about half a season too late, considering Dan’s just decided he’s in love with Blair.  WHOOPS!  So, much for making “better romantic choices.”  I don’t know, Serena.  If you want love that badly, perhaps, you should consider getting a pet.  You can’t have sex with it, but, if you’re extra nice, it WILL lick your face, on occasion.  Hey, it worked for Chuck . . .

Sorry, Monkey.  That comment wasn’t intended to imply anything un-kosher between you and Chuck.  I’m just trying to help! 

Around this time, Dan and Blair are in Brooklyn, eating pizza that makes Dan smell like onions.  Blair admits to Dan how lost she is feeling over the whole “I really love Chuck, but the father of my child is a robot with poor language skills” issue.  Dan suggests that Blair still has a choice as to which man she wants in her life (the Robot or the Dark Knight).  He also lets her know that not all men consider Robot Babies a dealbreaker, in a relationship . . .

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Dan’s words give Blair hope . . . or, if not hope, at least the strength to fight for her own happiness, and the happiness of her child.  She calls Chuck.

Dan’s right.  (I can’t believe I actually typed those two words.)   There is definitely a kind of force field / psychic connection between Chuck and Blair.  You can feel the tension between them, from the moment Chuck picks up the phone.  The heartache . . . the history . . . the undying devotion . . . the immense magnitude of their love for eachother .  . . it’s all there, in every word exchanged, and in each subtle gesture.

You can feel their pain, even as they try to joke blithely about how Blair somehow keeps ending up in Brooklyn.   “This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”  Chuck asks, feigning ambivalence.

“No . . . only you,” Blair replies resolutely, her voice breaking as she speaks.  “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

Chuck pauses, having heard the words he’s undoubtedly dreamed of Blair saying, ever since he first found out she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn.

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And yet, something is stopping him from telling her what she wants to hear.  Chuck wants so badly to prove to himself that he is the good man that Blair needs him to be, even if being that person means breaking both of their hearts.  “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child,” he ultimately says, sounding broken and defeated.

Of course, Blair is devastated.  The two hang up the phone, at the same time, the air thick with the volumes of words unsaid between them.

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Dammit, now my recap is all wet with tears .  . .

Outside the apartment, Dan is on the phone with Serena.  She called him, as soon as she saw the Gossip Girl blast that Blair was in Brooklyn.  As it turns out, she’s super jealous  concerned that Dan is going to make Blair even more miserable, and confused than she already is, by telling her HE’S in love with her too.  Since, at this point in the game, Dan has plans to do precisely that, he basically tells Serena, to shut the eff up, and leave him to his fanfiction . . .

“Ooh, Serena . . . I have to call you back.  Brooklyn has really bad cell phone reception.  *blows into the phone and makes crackling noises* I  . . . think I’m losing you.”

Cue the entrance of Louis-bot, randomly, into La Casa de VDW.  “I jes woennn Blayerrr bick,” says Mr. Roboto.  (a.k.a. “I just want Blair back.”)  Bizarrely enough, Serena decides she actually wants to help Louis accomplish this task . . .

However, her reasons for doing this might be less than altruistic.  OBVIOUSLY!  In other words, I know strongly suspect that the only reason Serena wants Louis-bot to score with Blair, is to prevent Dan from scoring with Blair, so SERENA can score with Dan.  Get it?

As it turns out, Serena needn’t have bothered with the cyborg.  All it takes is for Dan to see the look on Blair’s face, after her phone call with Chuck.  In an instant, he knows exactly who Blair loves, and what he needs to do about it.  “I think I know how to make you happy,” says Dan.

And you know what?  In this case . . . he absolutely DOES!

Wow, I sure am giving Humpty Humphrey a lot of compliments, this week.   Clearly, we  must have stepped into some sort of alternate universe . . .

While Dan is comforting Blair, Lily is doing the same for Chuck, who — let’s be honest — she always seemed to like a whole lot more than her own daughter . . .  (How could she not?  He’s CHUCK FRIGGIN BASS!)

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Lily tells Chuck that she hopes that he gets the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone else, someday.  And, of course, we all know, that he has already succeeded in that . . .

“You should be with me”

It’s time for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s “coming out” party.  I bet you forgot about that, because I sure did.  Serena is there giving Louis-bot directions to Blair’s house.  But by the time Louis-3PO gets there, Chuck is there too.

The only problem, of course, is that BLAIR isn’t there.   She ran off SOMEWHERE  . . . with Dan?

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?’

In the next scene, we see Dan bringing a blindfolded Blair to a room that’s pretty much the BIGGEST FIRE HAZARD ever.  No wonder Blair thinks she’s been brought to a human sacrifice!

I think I read a fanfiction that started like this once . . . Oh yeah.  It was called “Inside,” and written by a guy named Dan Humphrey.

But what Dan has for Blair is WAYYYY better than a human sacrifice (not to mention, less messy).  It’s THIS GUY . . .

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 Yippee!  This is the moment we’ve been waiting all season for.  Get ready to let your inner fangirl go wild . . .

There’s so much I loved about this scene.  First and foremost, I adored the way that Chuck included Blair’s baby in their romantic discussion, thereby cementing the threesome as a family unit.  I also cheered when, after a season of hearing Chuck be politically correct about Blair’s relationship with Louis-bot, he FINALLY got up the courage to tell his Queen B that she belonged with HIM, not some stupid cyborg . . .

I loved Blair’s dig at Chuck’s poorly executed “unselfish” behavior, during their earlier phone conversation . . . and the cute guilty grin on Chuck’s face, when he admitted that “timing [had] never been [the couple’s] strong suit.”  But, I think most of all, I loved THIS . . .

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Meanwhile, at the lame debutante ball that no one really cares about, Faux-Charlie begins to fear that Max McPoorPerson might end up crashing her party, and selling her story to the tabloids.  So, when she learns that Chuck and Blair are reuniting with one another, literally right down the hall, she quickly leaks the intel to Gossip Girl, like the asshat she is!

Also at the party,  is Serena, who, upon learning what Dan did for Chuck and Blair, has a sweet heart -to-heart with the sad sacrificial jelly donut, during which she seems to fall deeper in love with him than before . . . Unfortunately, Dan’s way too depressed to notice . . .

“Wait . . . LET ME LOVE YOU, DAN!  (I’ve been disease free for three whole days now.)” 

Back in Chairytale land, Nate has conveniently stopped by, on the way to that Rich Old People Party, to put Chuck and Blair in a getaway car . . . the problem is . . . it’s the WRONG getaway car, as in the one that McPoorPerson and Tripp butchered, so Nate couldn’t get to the Rich Old People Party is randomly leaking gasoline all over the parking lot . . .

In the backseat with Chuck and Blair, we get a few more minutes of bliss, as the two lovers (and baby makes three) plot their escape from the evil Louis-bot, and vow to begin their new lives together, ASAP. But, first, some sexy kisses . . .

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 . . .and some sweet heartfelt words, are exchanged between the two . . .

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Nate is in the car behind them.  He, of course, doesn’t think much of the fact that his driver believes  he’s supposed to take him back to the Upper East Side (where Chuck and Blair were planning to go), and not to the airport . . . where he was originally headed.  In Nate’s defense, he’s a bit distracted by shiny objects by the evil paparazzi on motorcycles, who are aggressively surrounding Chuck’s and Blair’s limo, in an eerie (and not particularly tasteful) reminder of Princess Diana’s untimely demise.

Back at the party, Faux Charlie gets a call from Max McPoorPerson, in which he unexpectedly explains that he is now Max McSortofWealthy, and is, therefore, leaving town.

Huh?  But what about REVENGE? Isn’t that why McPoorPerson decided to stay, in the first place.  I thought the money thing was just an added bonus.  Didn’t you? 

At first, there doesn’t seem to be any connection between what’s going on in the town cars, and this phone call.  But then, Blair’s and Chuck’s limo gets run off the road by the paparazzi .  . . we remember that it was leaking oil, not too long ago . . . and that Nate was supposed to be inside.  Then, we remember McPoorPerson agreeing to help Tripp with his Granpoppy situation.  And, suddenly, everything starts making a whole lot of tragic sense . . .

(By the way, for those of you who were wondering, Florence and the Machine’s “Heartlines” was the song playing during the scene leading up to the crash.) 

The final moments of the episode, take place at the hospital.  A furious Serena vows to take down Gossip Girl, for basically setting the paparazzi on Blair and Chuck, in the first place, and causing this mess.  Faux-Charlie, who, of course, actually made the call to Gossip Girl, begins to feel incredibly guilty.  This prompts her to tearfully come clean to Rufus about her identity (though I’m sure given all that’s going on, he barely registers the confession), and leave town, possibly until the hiatus is over for good.

I bet you are REALLY wishing someone would call you Serena now, aren’t you Charlie?

In a heartbreaking (not to mention, HORRIBLE) cliffhanger, we learn from Lily that, while Blair is awake and responsive, Chuck is in critical condition . . .

And while our eyes are too blurry with tears to comprehend any more information, we see Cougar Lady, Diana, receiving a call from Jack Bass, instructing her to return to New York .  . . you know  . . . because Chuck was in an accident . . . and because she’s clearly HIS LONG LOST MOM!

Not depressing enough for you?  Check out the trailer for the first, post-hiatus episode . . .

I end this recap with Blair’s memorable and poignant words from the promo posted above: “Let [Chuck] live.”  For the record, there is no doubt in my mind that he will do just that.  After all, Chuck Bass is immortal. 🙂

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Three Faces of Witchipoo (and Eric Too) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Burning Down the House”

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“I’m back, and I remember everything, including what a poopyhead that cockblock Vampire Beeeeel is, and how he lied to, betrayed, and once, tried to eat Sookie.  Perhaps, SHE is the one with amnesia.  Is there a doctor in the house?”

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of True Blood was all about multiple personality disorder  . . .

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Well . . . OK . . . that isn’t exactly true.  But we did get to explore the various versions of most of our characters, this week.   Let’s see, there was: Old Viking Vamp Eric, Amnesia Sometimes-Zombie Eric, and New and Improved, Best of Both Worlds, Eric . . .

There was, Witchipoo Antonia, Witchipoo Marnie, and Witchipoo What the F*&k is this B*tch Doing Talking to Herself, Like That?  Because That’s Just Creepy . . .

“I’m so confused . . .” 

We got Regular Jesus, and Weird Helmet-Head Jesus .  . .

Is this going to mess up my hair?

V-addicted Andy and Sober Andy . . .

Coincidentally, both of them always seem to make this facial expression  . . .

Alive Tommy and Dead Tommy . . .

 (Yes, I recognize that was in bad taste . . .)

And finally, Smart Sookie Who Loves Eric, and Dumb as a Bowl of Grits Sookie, Who Loves King Cockblock . .  .

Sometimes the truth hurts, Sookie  . . . 

So charge up those glow fingers, put on your weird demon mask, and prepare to make a run for the Anti-Human Electric Fence, because it’s time for another recap . . .

(Again, as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the glorious screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done this without you, you fabulous screencapper, you!)

The Most Fun You’ve Ever Had, During a Tolerance Convention . . .

The episode begins with all those zombie vampires, doing Witchipoos bidding, by trying to Kill Bill . . .

Now, THIS is the kind of convention I could support wholeheartedly!  Step Aside, Comic Con, I’m spending my vacation money on CockblockKillCon, next year!  Of course, there is that little problem of all those innocent humans getting murdered along the way,  But, hey, no convention is perfect, right?

(By the way, it is important to note that the episode began with this TOTALLY random shot of the LARGEST 1-800 Dentist poster, I have ever seen in my entire life.  Talk about product placement.  Are we to assume, based on when this advertisement appeared that 1-800 Dentist is on Team Eric?)

Unfortunately, it is during this convention, that we are forced to bid a fond farewell, to Young-Looking Hot Sheriff, who was somehow murdered, amidst all this Bill Killing Madness . . .

Goodbye Young-Looking Hot Sheriff . .  . we barely knew ye!

Things get a little crazy, at this point in the episode . . . You know, with all these extras dying, and stuff.  And it’s not until Zombie Eric finally wraps his arms around King Cockblock’s scrawny neck that things REALLY start to get interesting.

Insert porn music here . . . 

Sookie’s doing her Screaming Thing (“No, No, Beeeeel, Beeeeel!”), while Zombie Eric is doing his Killing Thing, and Bill is doing his Constipated Facial Expression Thing.  Everything is going great!  Eric even takes out a STAKE, and is ready to PUT IT IN BEEEEL’S HEART!  And then Sookie has to ruin it all with those damn Glow Fingers of Hers . . .

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And, in that moment, all of Witchipoo’s spells suddenly wear off . . .

“Dammit!  Who’s going to Kill Bill NOW?” 

But don’t despair, True Blood fans.  Because even the darkest of cockblock-shaped clouds bear a silver lining . . .  I mentioned that ALL the spells wore off, INCLUDING ERIC’S AMNESIA.

“You know, a thousand years of new/old memories are great and all . . . but where the f*&k is my Shower Sex?” 

 Suddenly, in the midst of all this blood and gore, Sookie and Eric are eye-f*&king eachother, like nobody’s business.  But the eyes Eric is using to try and impregnate Sookie, are NOT those dopey amnesia-ish eyes, he’s been sporting all season, but smart, wiley, sexy, “I want to ravage you, like the badass I am” eyes.

“Hey Eric, you are looking kind of bloody.   Might I interest you in a shower?” 

And if that wasn’t enough to clue you in to the fact that the Viking Vamp was back to his old self, the writers spelled it out for you, with a cheesy montage of Eric’s Greatest Hits . . .

Did I say “hits?” I meant “f*&ks.” 

After the main cast members escape the melee, a very bloody Nan begins the process of damage control, by glamouring the survivors, who are screaming in terror and yelping in pain.  Witchipoo is watching, and suddenly morphs into that Antonia chick from the flashbacks.  And, would you believe that evil wench is actually crying?

“Oh no!  I’m not crying.  I just have something in Marnie’s eye . . .” 

Speaking of crying . . .

Tommy, Can You Hear Me?   (Oops . . . guess not)

I genuinely hope Alcide wasn’t too attached to his car, because those front seats are TOTALLY going to have to be reupholstered, now that Tommy had to go and hack up blood and guts all over them.  (RUDE!)

“Anybody got a napkin?”

Alcide wants to taking Dying Tommy to the hospital.  But since Dying Tommy KNOWS he’s pretty much going to die anyway, he insists on being taken to Merlotte’s, which he has always considered his one true home.  When Alcide and Dying Tommy arrive at the bar, Sam is outside waiting for them.  Of course, he’s feeling all kinds of guilty about, you know, telling Dying Tommy he never wants to see him again, and . . . unwittingly letting his little brother get pummeled beyond recognition by an an asshat werewolf packleader, all while wearing his FACE . . .

Since Dying Tommy refuses to go to the hospital, and Alcide says it’s a man’s right to choose when he dies  (Now, THAT’S a controversial statement, if I ever heard one.), Alcide and Sam lay Tommy down on a dirty table in the bar.  (Classy!)  Then we get this sort of long, drawn out, extended Tommy death scene, complete with plenty of tears, lots of shivers and wheezing, discussions of the Great Beyond, and a maudlin exchange of “I love you’s” and “I’m sorry’s.”

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Honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen this over-dramatic of a death scene, since . . .well . . . EVER!  Correction . . . it actually kind of reminded me of THIS . . .

Most of the time, people on this show simply get their throats slit, or their hearts ripped out, and you just never see them again.

R.I.P. Grams . . . 

But I guess the writers of this show felt like Tommy’s life was crappy enough, that he deserved a send off, with some fanfare.  So, of course, we get to hear Sam tell Tommy he loves him, even if he stole his face.  And we get to hear Tommy say that meeting Sam was the best part of his life . . . which was probably saddest part of the whole scene, when you really think about it . . .  Because, you know, Sam spent half of Tommy’s life telling him what a worthless sack of sh*t he was .  . .

“You’re a worthless sack of sh*t . . . but I love you.”

After Tommy croaks, Alcide and Sam head to the car shop, in search of Greasypoo.  They find one of his minions there, and start pistol whipping, and kicking the crap out of him.

Tommy would definitely have approved . . .

“Tommy LIKE!” 

R.I.P. Tommy Boy . . . you naughty little dog, you!

Speaking of Greasypoo . . .

Trailer Trash Debbie and Greasypoo:  A Match Made in Dog Poopy

If you ask me, despite all his Big Talk about pack loyalty, and unity, and whatnot, Greasypoo has always been a bit jealous of Alcide, probably because the latter has a better ass, and WAY better hair than he does.

“How the hell does he keep that thing so firm?  The guy must eat rocks for breakfast!” 

But when Alcide directly disobeys his pack leader, by not letting him beat up Sam/Tommy, Greasypoo vies for revenge.  He gets this revenge by racing over to Trailer Trash Debbie’s house, and smoking a few joints with her, while he basically humps her leg.

As skeevy as he is, Greasypoo genuinely seems to have a knack for reading other mutts-i-heat.   And, let’s face it.  Trailer Trash Debbie isn’t all that hard to read.  Greasypoo plays on the psycho she-wolf’s insecurities about her relationship with Alcide, his insistence on not getting too entangled with the pack, and his desire not to have children with a drug-addicted wackadoo like Debbie.  Then he pretty much tells her that she should ditch Alcide, and start doing doggystyle with him.  Way to be subtle, Greasypoo!

Alcide is not amused . . . 

Now, I know Debbie’s supposed to be crazy, and insecure and all.   But I didn’t realize she was BLIND TOO.  I mean, seriously, Debbie?  Greasypoo over Alcide?  Have you LOOKED at your boyfriend’s ass, lately?  That juicy mound of flesh is the Eighth Wonder of the World, and you want to trade it in for Mr. Dances with A$$holes, here?  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Intervention – Fort Bellefleur Edition

*sigh*  Last week, we FINALLY saw the end to that ridiculous Evil Baby storyline.   And this week HOPEFULLY spared us from having to suffer from any more Andy on V Moments.  We start our little tale with Arlene and Terry shoving a vial of V right in front of his face, and reading him the riot act, about how he has the nerve to keep V around the house where Arlene’s kids are staying.  “I think it has a childproof cap,” notes Andy helpfully.

Nice try, Andy!  But if it actually had a childproof cap, you probably wouldn’t be able to open it . . .

Childproof cap or not, Terry knows that Andy remains in denial about his addiction.  And so he takes him to Fort Bellefleur, a fort the two cousins(?) used to hang out in together, when they were kids.  PTSD Terry, who, himself, is no stranger to addiction, forces Andy to admit that being high on V, does not, in fact, make him stronger, by engaging in a few shooting and wrestling competitions with him.  It’s all incredibly manly and homoerotic . . . or, at least, it would be, if Eric, Jason, or Alcide were involved, rather then Andy and Terry.

“I haven’t taken a dump since Season 4 premiered.  And I am VERY upset about it.” 

During this weird little intervention, we learn a bit about the kind of childhoods these two had, and how, like in most families, they both were jealous of one another, for their own reasons.  Eventually, Andy cracks and breaks down and cries, which Terry thinks is awesome, because it shows that (1) he’s finally hit rock bottom; and (2) he has a soul.  Then Terry kicks off his cousin’s trip toward sobriety, by forcing him to walk home alone.  Well, I guess it’s a lot cheaper than rehab . . .

“This intervention SUCKS!  Where’s that Dr. Drew guy, when you need him?”

Witches Need Motivational Speakers Too .  . .

Witchipoo and her top minion, return to the Moon Goddess Emporium with the two remaining zombie vampire sheriffs, in toe, both of whom she stores in the ladies’ room for convenience.  She is greeted there by her coven / group of hostages, who aren’t particularly happy to see her.  They are all getting kind of freaked out, because they can’t get cell phone reception in the Emporium, and if they try to leave through the front or back door, their hands will get burned off.

“This makes me VERY ANGRY.  Other things that make me VERY angry:  vampires, loud animals, the long line at the DMV, donuts, air, people who breathe funny, people who hold their breath, so as not to breathe funny, books, shoes, cable television, Ghandi . .  .” 

While the rest of the coven opt for techological means of escape, Holly pours through a spell book, in search of an appropriate cantation to get them out of there.  Tara seems skeptical of Holly’s methods, at first.  However, after Holly gives Tara her version of the “We are witches, hear us cackle” speech, Tara who “always has a lot of rage to spare, whether or not it is magical” decides to join in her witchy games.

“I would be smiling at you Tara, except that I just did a Botox Spell on my face  . . . Don’t judge!  They don’t pay waitresses what they used to, and if a girl ain’t got her youth, she’s got nuttin’!” 

Meanwhile, in Witchipoo’s office, girlfriend is talking to herself . . . no, seriously, Antonia leaves Witchipoo’s body, and she actually BEGINS to have a conversation with her better half.  Perhaps, the most shocking thing about this scene is that, as viewers, we always assumed that Antonia was the “Bad Guy,” while Marnie was just the “innocent vessel victim” in all this.  What we learn here, is that Antonia’s power has COMPLETELY corrupted the formerly weak Marnie, and now she wants to KILL EVERYONE!

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little King Cockblock TOO!” 

Surprisingly enough, Antonia seems to be the voice of reason here, rightfully telling Marnie, that by putting all these HUMAN lives at risk, in addition to vampires, Witchipoo is no worse than those bloodsuckers, themselves.  Then MARNIE starts manipulating Antonia, by telling her how she should hate all HUMANS too, since none of them stopped to help her, all those years ago, while she was being burned alive at the stake.

 “Well, I’ve got to admit.  I HAVE had better days . .  .”

Antonia reluctantly agrees with her vessel’s assessment.  So, the two hold hands, call eachother “sister,” do a little Ring Around the Rosie thing, and suddenly they are back in the business of killing EVERYONE IN BON TEMPS . . .

Except for the Flying Monkeys . . . They can stay . . .

Guilty Jason, Hungry Jessica, and Farting Hoyt . . .

After a few mind-blowing rounds of Pickup Truck F*&k with Baby Vamp Jessica, the Guilt Monster lodges his head in Jason Stackhouse’s brain, and simply won’t leave.  Jessica reassures him that, since Jessica and Hoyt already broke up, what they did technically wasn’t cheating.  But, of course, Jason is still dating Hoyt, at least, in the bromantic sense, and therein lies the problem.

“Just say NO to Hot Pickup Truck F*&ks!  YES, YES, OHHHHHH YES!” 

Jason fondly recalls how he’s taken care of Hoyt his whole life, and can’t imagine stopping now.  He then has the audacity to ask Jessica to glamour him to forget that the two of them had sex, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore . . .

Jessica, of course, is furious, and understandably so . . . “F*&king HUMANS!  I’m going to go eat someone,” she says, before stalking out of the truck.  YOU GO, BABY VAMP!

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Back at Jason’s house (who is looking FINNNNNNNE in his tight blue tank top, by the way) . . .

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. . . an extremely vulnerable Hoyt is chugging beers, and trying not to cry, as he begs his bestie to let him crash at HIS place, since he can’t bear the thought of staying in his Formerly Owned By Crazy Eyes Evil Baby Mama Haunted house without Jess in it.

Overwhelmed by guilt over his “affair,” Jason obliges his friend.  However, Hoyt’s constant boohooing about Jessica, combined with his apparently stinky bedtime farts, overwhelm Jason with frustration (and nausea).  So, HE asks to stay with Sookie instead.  Sookie, being the judgmental gal that she is, scolds Jason for not being more understanding of Hoyt’s loss.

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But, of course, this is the SOOKIE STACKHOUSE show.  So, within about a minute, Sookie has already forgotten about Jason’s problems, and is back on her own.  You see (surprise, surprise) Sookie needs Jason’s help.  We’ll get to the “why” and the “how” in a bit . . .

But for now, let’s move our focus to the both sweetest, and most jaw-clenchingly frustrating, scene in the entire hour . . .

This is the Part of the Episode, Where I Wanted to Punch Sookie in the Face . . .

Oh, come on, SOOKEH!  Let’s not act like you don’t deserve it . . .

When we last left Eric, he was blinkingly staring into Sookie’s eyes, with a look that says: I remember what it was like having Narnia Sex with you.  But I ALSO remember what it was like to watch my parents be murdered by Russell Edgington, and to avenge their deaths, by killing a sweet gay vamp named Talbot.

Just in case you forgot . . . here is a helpful reminder . . .

And yet, we weren’t 100% certain what Eric ACTUALLY remembered, or would be willing to admit that he remembered.  BOOK SPOILER:  This is particularly true of Sookie Stackhouse book fans, who undoubtedly recall Eric frustratingly and inexplicably lying to Sookie, by telling her he no longer remembers his Amnesia Time.  (He eventually comes clean to her about remembering, in the subsequent book.)

So, when Eric and Sookie sit down next to one another on that couch.  And Eric tells her that he remembers everything, and that nothing has changed, my little fangirl heart started may or may not have started to do engage in a little celebratory dance.

But then Sookie has to start blubbering on about King Cockblock (See?  There he goes again, ruining what could have been a spectacular pre-sex moment.), and how she still luuuuuuuuuves him, and that’s why she thinks her glow fingers were able to save him, and blah, blah, blah . . .

I’m sorry.  I just can’t take anything Sookie says seriously, while she’s wearing that ridiculous Preschool Picture Day hoodie . . . 

Eric is understandably not amused . . .

He reminds Sookie that she gave himself to him fully and completely (a.k.a They Banged . . . Like .   . . A Lot), therefore  . . .

Sookie more, or less, echoing her own words from her Threesome Dream replies that she never promised to be Eric’s.  Instead, he is hers.  Furthermore, she loves both him and Bill because only half of her actually has good taste . . .

Man, for a group of blood suckers, vampires have surprisingly rigid views when it comes to monogamy!  Eric looks crestfallen, when he learns that he is not the ONLY person that Sookie loves.  And when Pam rushes in to reunite with her maker, he can barely contain his sadness and disappointment from his progeny, even as he is warmly offering her a “welcome back” hug . . .

By the way, when Sookie ended Witchipoo’s curse on Eric, did she break Pam’s decaying curse too?  I wonder . . .

OMG!  They are going to KILL TARA!  *fist pumps, cheers, does happy dance* *sniffles, cries*

Later, the group reconvenes at King Cockblock’s house.  There they decide the best plan of action for defeating Witchipoo.  As it turns out, they want to blow her up, while she’s hanging out inside the Moon Goddess Emporium, of course!  I, of course, think this is a FABULOUS idea.  But then Sookie the Killjoy, has to get all “moral” on the team, with her “Wahhhhh, what about all the innocent people?  And what about TARA?”

“BEEEEEEEEL!  Don’t KIIIIIIIILLLL TAAAAAARAAAA!” 

To which, Eric, who has clearly got his snark back replies, “So, they bet on the wrong horse.”

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Indeed.  Of course, my favorite part of the exchange comes when King Cockblock starts ranting and raving like a lunatic about how much he wants Witchipoo dead.  And Eric glances knowingly over at a horrified Sookie, and says sarcastically, “Loveable, isn’t he?”

No Eric . . . no he is most certainly NOT loveable.  But YOU ARE!

Have . . .temporarily . . . lost . . . ability . . . to . . . form . . . complete . . . sentences. 

“You get the True Death . . . and YOU get the True Death . . .”

In what is becoming a fairly regular occurrence, the vampires find themselves once again forcibly silvering themselves during the day time, in Bill’s cubby hole, so as to prevent Witchipoo from forcing them to meet the sun.

Rather than sleeping however, Nan and Bill are again bickering like an old married couple about who’s FAULT it is that things went so very badly at the Tolerance Convention, which Bill had originally told Nan to call off.  (Ugh!  Why don’t these two just have sex already, and get it over with?)

Nan + Bill = Nill,  A match made in Cockblock Heaven!

Feeling disempowered, by the man she made King, Nan strikes back by hilariously ordering the True Death for any vampire who has the audacity to disagree with her, which is,  more or less, every silvered vampire in the room.  Good ole, Nan!  She gives out the True Death, the way Oprah gives out cars . . .

Of course, my favorite line of THIS scene goes to Baby Vamp Jessica, who said, “I don’t care, as long as I get to kill sh*t.”

My sentiments exactly, Jessica . . .

Jesus to the Rescue (Wow, that sounds kind of religious?)

So, Sookie and Jason confront Lala and Jesus about the whole, “The vampires and one annoyed TV Recapper want to blow up Tara” situation.  Sookie’s and Jason’s rescue Tara plan?  Storm the emporium before the vamps do, and take out Witchipoo.  But you know Jesus, and how he loves his Witchipoo.  He’s not down with that idea.  “Marnie is an innocent.  Let me separate her and Antonia, and we can send Antonia back where she came from.”

Well, isn’t that a peace-loving solution to this problem?  Sookie, Jason, Lala, and a TV Recapper look skeptical.  But they decide to let Jesus do his witch exorcism thing, just like he did with Lala and crazy-eyes lady, last week.

When Team Sookie arrives at the Moongoddess Emporium, they are shocked to find that it is being guarded by a cheesy forcefield out of some 70’s Star Trek film.  I mean, really, Witchipoo, this is 2011!  Get with the program!  Jason gallantly offers to go and battle the forcefield himself.  After all, he can do hand-stand pushups!  And he used to play football!  So, this is . . . well . . . NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT!

You got me!  I pretty much just wrote that joke, so that I could include this GIF in my recap again.  Are you mad? 

However, fortunately for Jason, Team Sookie nixes his “run straight into the forcefield swinging and hope for the best” plan in favor of the original sending Big Bad Jesus One.  Witchipoo, being the generous soul she is, decides to go outside, and meet Jesus half way.  But she isn’t just going to let him walk into the Moongoddess Emporium without proving his loyalty first.  After all, he’s been noticeably absent during the past few Team Witchipoo Outings.  And Little Miss All Vampires Must Die doesn’t exactly take kindly to instances of poor attendance.

Sorry, I’m late to your seance, Marnie!  My goatlicker grandpa ate my homework . . . 

So, Witchipoo demands that Jesus prove his loyalty by moving across the forcefield, himself . . .

I mean, that’s basically a suicide mission, isn’t it?

Well, it would be, except that Jesus just happens to be a SUPER LATINO!

Umm . . . yeah .  . . so, I really have no clue what the f*&k that ugly ass mask has to do with being Spanish . . . so I’m just going to take Lala’s word for it. 

That’s right, boys and girls.  In times of stress, Jesus apparently sprouts an ugly demon head and can somehow use it to walk past cheesy force fields from 1970’s Star Wars films.  Who knew?

This guy DID! 

So, Jesus is let back into the Witchipoo fold.  And it is there that he gets to talk to “Marnie,” and learn what us viewers have no already known for 20-minutes.  That sweet docile “Marnie” is just as batsh*t crazy and evil as Antonia, if not more so.  And SHE’S the one running the show NOW!

Hey Where Did Everybody Go?

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“Is this another dream sequence?  Is Baby Vamp Jessica going to walk out naked and start pulling down my pants?  Man, I hope so!”

Jesus sends the message telepathically to Sookie.  Now, it looks like Team Sookie is back to Plan B.  Run in and kill the b*tch.  And they may get some help doing just that.  Newly enraged witches, Holly and Tara band together and manage to put out a spell that temporarily breaks the forcefield.  Quickly, they run out to Team Sookie.  Team Sookie runs out to them, and . . .

Everyone disappears into thin air . . . literally . . . except for Hot Jason, who . . . you know . . .  is left all alone with his hotness . . . I guess.

This Episode of True Blood is Brought to You By . . . Leather Pants . . .

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If by chance you weren’t able to see the last scene of the episode, due to Hurricane Irene, or your DVR cutting off, or you getting zapped away into oblivion by some cheesy forcefield from a 70’s movie, worry not.  Because I can assure you that you’ve seen it already, at least once in your life, assuming that you have seen one of the following movies: The Matrix, Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, any action movie ever, any gangster movie ever, any sports movie featuring a ragtag group of misfits who defy unthinkable odds to win the Big Game.

That’s right!  We’ve got Bill, Eric, Jessica, Nan, and Pam, putting aside their differences to walk in slow motion, while wearing black leather everything, and carrying bazookas, hand grenades, and other “Bad Ass Weapons.”  This is followed by a freeze frame shot, and a surprisingly decent cover of “Burning Down the House,” that I may actually add to my iPod, when this is through.

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Oh yeah . . . they went there.  My assumption is that the scene was a bit of playful self-mockery, and not meant to be taken too seriously.  So, if YOU had a good laugh at it, like I did, it probably served its purpose, just as much as the 1-800 Dentist advertisement did. 😉

It also really made me want to buy a pair of leather pants . . . or at least it would have, if I had legs like Vampire Jessica, or an ass like Eric Northman.  But since I have neither, I will stick with my comfy khakis.  Thank you very much . . .

And, there you have it, another episode of True Blood, dead and gone, like Tommy Boy.  (Too soon?)

Guess so  . . .

Believe it or not, there are only TWO EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON!

I’m DEAD SERIOUS, ERIC!  Just two! 

Next week’s TB installment, promises some more Witchipoo shenanigans, a lot of stuff being blown up, and undoubtedly plenty of instances of Sookie screaming BEEEEEEEEL!  You can check out the trailer for the episode here:

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!

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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .

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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .

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Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .

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At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!

 

Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.

“WOOHOO!  YIPPEE!”

One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .

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Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

“Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”

 

Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!

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Would you like some wine with your cheesy? – A Recap of Glee’s Mid-Season Finale “A Very Glee Christmas”

“Is that an elf in your pants, Santa, or are you just happy to see me?”

Ahhhhh, Christmas.  It’s a holiday seeped in tradtion: the presents, the mistletoe, the egg nog, those ugly Christmas sweaters, the Yule Log, those ridiculous old made-for-tv movies on Lifetime and ABC Family . . .

It’s enough to nauseate warm even the coldest of hearts . . .

This week’s pre-hiatus Glee episode was all about the Holiday of Giving.  And it offered up enough Christmas Cheer and Yueltide Cheese to keep you in Sugar Shock, well past New Year’s (which I guess — considering that new episodes of Glee won’t air until February 2011 — is a good thing). 

Poor Will!  Based on the way things ended for him this episode, it doesn’t look like he’s going to be getting LAID, until after the Superbowl, either . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

Secret Santas Got a Brand New Bag

When the episode opens, Emma — who has experienced some major coldness from the MAN WHO IS NOT-SO-SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER, ever since she announced to him that she ran off with Jesse from Full House Dr. Carl Howell for a Plot Device Vegas Wedding  — invites Will to a Christmas party at the Tanner Household La Casa de Carl.

“Have MERCY!”

Understandably, Will looks like he would rather stab an ice pick through his heart, than spend Christmas watching Emma and Carl PDA and “Santa Baby” on the “Most Wonderful Night of the Year.”  (Can you blame him?)

Fortunately, Will’s Sulkfest 2010 is interrupted by a Beiste Bearing Gifts . . . well actually . . . more like a Beiste bearing names, as the faculty at McKinley High plans to exchange Secret Santa gifts this year.  Will gets THIS NAME . . .

 . . . which makes him do this .  . . again.

We later learn that Sue Sylvester has actually rigged the Secret Santa so that EVERYONE pulls her name.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House,  HOW RUUUUUUUUDE!

Meanwhile .  . .

I Saw Someone Still Believing in Santa Claus . . .

When Artie learns that his “Very Special” girlfriend, Brittany, still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes determined to preserve the Magic of Christmas for her.  But he ultimately ends up shooting himself in the foot (wow that was inappropriate on SO many levels), when he takes Brittany to Santa Land at the mall.

While the rest of the Glee kids ask “Santa” for reasonable things like “bling” (Santana), “Puck’s Love” ( me Lauren Zizes), or for Channing Tatum to star in less stuff (Mike) . . .

(I think its an “abs” thing.  Some guys just don’t know how to handle a little competition . . .)

(Coincidentally, you can catch Channing Tatum in the upcoming film The Dilemma, starting January 14, 2011.)

 . . . Brittany asks for Artie to be able to walk, which reminded me of the time when he DANCED . . .

But, seeing how that was just a dream sequence . . . yeah . . . Artie is kind of screwed.

Would you rather be slusheed, or hit in the head with a designer shoe?

While Brittany has no trouble keeping herself in the Christmas spirit, the rest of the Glee kids are feeling a bit more Scroogey.  After all, they are STILL getting slusheed in the hallways (though now the slushees are in festive Christmas colors!).  And, when they try to sing “Need a Little Christmas” to classes around the school, in order to collect money for a charitable holiday class trip . . .

 . . . they get heckled and hit in the head with Christmas boots.  Bah Humbug!  Decorating the Glee choir room and singing “Welcome Christmas” does little to lift the kids spirits.  Although THIS helps some . . .

Speaking of sporting a little Christmas Wood . . .

Blaine and Kurt heat things up, while singing about the cold . . .

In my absolute favorite performance of the evening (even though plotwise, it didn’t really fit in with the rest of the episode, AT ALL), Blaine finds Kurt studying alone in the lounge at Dalton Academy, and asks him for a sexual favor.  You see, Blaine was selected to sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at some random Christmas pageant, and simply can’t play with himself practice alone. 

And so, the duo launch into a modern take on the classic song.  The result is fun and adorable enough to warm the cockles of even my cold, cold heart.   Those of you who haven’t seen it yet, can enjoy it here:

After the solo, Will randomly shows up at Dalton Academy — a school that not only has a “No Tolerance for Violence” policy, but, apparently, also has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER.  You would think that the Spanish-teacher-who-hasn’t-spoken-a-lick-of-Espanol-since-the-pilot-episode was there to wish Kurt a Merry Christmas, or give him advice of some sort.  But NOOOOOOO . . . this visit was all about Will, and his problems!  (What else is new?)

You said it, Sista!

Here’s Kurt, suffering the slings and arrows of unrequited luuuuuuuuuve, and all Will wants to do is bitch about how can’t figure out what to get Sue for her Secret Santa gift.  Selfish much?

OOPS!

Will’s only gift ideas so far have been a Robot Dog and a Soul.  Now, I don’t know about that whole “Soul” thing, but a Robot Dog would be an AWESOME Christmas present . . . (hint, hint Mom .  . . if you are reading this)

(My cat would never be without a companion!)

Kurt suggests a fur-lined tracksuit, instead . . . and I, for one, am hoping he meant faux-fur . . .  At least, with the Robo Dog, you can be sure that no living creatures were harmed in its making . . .

Though some might beg to differ with that assessment . . .

You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I look like, after eating bad cafeteria food . . .

On Secret Santa exchange day, Emma and the rest of the teachers quickly discover that Sue rigged the Name Pot (Name Jar?), in order to get all the presents for herself . . .

“You a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless,” Sue says of Emma, when the latter reveals Sue’s devious plan to the rest of the faculty.

The teachers stomp off in a collective huff, as Sue, along with her new minion, Becky, sort through all her new Christmas gifts with sadistic glee . . .

Not surprisingly, about six different people got her The Shake Weight . . .

Teachers and Late Night Infomercials — It’s a Match Made in Heaven (plus tax)

Eventually, Will returns to take all Sue’s gifts back.  He claims she has no legal right to them (which, I guess is true, but, then again, neither does he).  Will plans to take the undeserved gifts to the underprivileged children in a nearby district.  Though honestly, I’m not sure what a bunch of kids would do with an adult fur-lined track suit, a blender, and six shake weights . . .)

Sue, of course, is APPALLED . . .

“I’m appalled.”

And so, she decides to get revenge, by inexplicably painting her face Grinch Green (riiiiight, because no one will recognize her NOW!), and heading to the choir room — along with her trusty Reindog Becky — to steal back the gifts, and ruin Christmas for Will and the Glee kids . . .

While Sue and Becky snatched presents, smashed ornaments, tore tinsel, slashed mistle toe, and cut down the Glee tree, a voice in the background eerily broke into a rendition of Sue the Grinch.  I later learned that voice belonged — not to anyone in the Glee cast — but, instead, to K.D. Lang .  . .

Ummmm  . . . yeah . . . because that’s not random at all.

At the end of the song, Brittany arrives, decked out in her best Cindy Lou Who attire . . .

(By the way Gossip Girl fans, I bet you will never guess who played Cindy Lou Who in the movie version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas . . .  I’ll give you a hint, her name starts with a Raccoon and ends with a Zombie.)

Meet Cindy Lou Who, also known as Little J / Taylor Momsen.  Poor Dr. Seuss must be rolling over in his grave right about now . . .

Anywho . . . Brittany mistakes Sue for Santa (Other things Brittany mistakes for Santa: tomatos, bananas, Stop Signs, Soap Scum on her shower.).  Not seeming the least concerned that Santa is “green” and “ruining Christmas,” Brittany joyfully admits to the Grinch herself, that the presents under the tree are for the homeless.  Brittany’s innocence and sheer honesty, in the face of such evil, makes Sue turn a little green . . .

. . . but it doesn’t make her feel bad enough to clean up her mess . . .

The next day, the Glee kids enter the choir room to find THIS . . .

Determined to save Christmas for his fellow Gleeks (it is his favorite holiday, after all), Finn offers to go pick out another tree for the choir room.  And Rachel (seeking entrance back into The Finn Hudson Pantalones) offers to come along for the ride.  After all, her first bid to win back Finn’s heart — which involved, you guessed it, her SINGING (lamest . . . Christmas gift . . . ever . . . Cheapskate) — failed miserably.  So, she really had nothing to lose!

“Merry Christmas, Darling.  Please enjoy the Gift of My Voice to make up for the fact that you are no longer entitled to the Gift of My Virginity . . .”

At the Christmas Tree Farm, Finn and Rachel sing a duet of the song Last Christmas . . .

When the song is over, Rachel, who has rubbed herself in car air freshener, for the occasion . . .

The best little roll-on perfume $2.50 can buy!

 . . . makes her second play of the hour for Finn’s fickle heart.  “Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you even though I am Jewish, and don’t celebrate Christmas and he did!  It’s time for you to forgive me,” she said matter-of-factly, offering him a big wet and slobbery tongue kiss, as proof of the veracity of her statement.

But Finn, who is a self-righteous asshat (WOW!  I can’t believe I am actually taking Rachel’s side on this one), runs away like the whiny b*tch he is.   In doing so, the bastard completely forgets about his lofty plans to “Save Christmas,” and leaves Rachel to smell like the inside of a car, all by her lonesome . . .  (Then again, maybe smelling Pine Fresh, will make it easier for Rachel to hitch a ride home with a Lonely Trucker or Hairy Mountain Man.)

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, you gave me a fart . . .”

Meanwhile, back in the Better Plotline . . .

Brittany, Meet Santa Claus . . .

The Glee kids beg the increasingly adorable Shannon Beiste to be “Santa” at Brittany’s house, because she “has the right body type.”  (Yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!)  Artie hopes that “Santa” can kindly break the news to Brittany that “he” will not be able to get Brittany her requested gift of A Walking Artie . . .

That night, Brittany is thrilled to see Santa Beiste doing a “Christmas Dry Run,” right in her own living room!

However, her face falls, when “Santa” explains to her that she must instead give Brittany the gift of patience, instead of what she asked for, as “fixing Artie’s legs” is not a present that can be delivered overnight.  To support her position, Beiste tells Brittany the story of a husky young girl who wished that Santa would make her look like all the other girls for Christmas.  But, instead, Santa gave her the gift of “patience,” allowing her the time to eventually realize that she didn’t really WANT to look like all the other girls after all!

Gee, I wonder who that “Little Girl” could be?

“Was it Ricki Lake?”  Brittany asks.

(You’ve gotta love when the writers of this show have the Glee kids making totally age inappropriate pop culture references.)

Though Brittany feigns a polite perkiness with Santa Beiste, the next day, Artie finds his girlfriend at her locker, looking completely crestfallen.  “I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn’t magical, I don’t even know if I want to believe anymore,” she mutters.

In a move that makes me LOVE this couple even more than I did last week (Sorry Team Artina, I am 100% Team Bartie now!), Artie rushes Brittany home, to help her cope with her newfound crisis of faith.  Once there, however, Brittany finds a very special gift under her tree . . .

It’s called a Re-Walk, and its experimental technology allows people, heretofore bound to wheelchairs, temporary use of their limbs.  (Believe it or not, Re-Walk technology is very real.  You can read more about it here.)  Artie brought his Re-Walk back to school, to share it with the rest of the Gleeks.  Seeing her Christmas wish come true literally brought tears of joy to Brittany’s usually vacant eyes . . .

And, all cheese aside, if this Glee moment didn’t melt your heart, just the slightest bit, you are simply not human . . .

No offense!

Speaking of melted hearts . . .

How Sue Saved Christmas . . .

Desperate times call for Desperate Measures, and when Will finds the Glee kids, going all Gift of the Magi on themselves, to raise money for their trip to see the underprivileged kids, he is impressed and disturbed at the same time.  (The boys gave up their watches, while the girls were prepared to chop off their hair.  Umm . . .  does that sound like an unfair trade off to anyone else?) 

Fortunately, Will has a money-making idea that will allow the girls to keep their luscious locks, and the boys to still always know when its time for sex lunch.

In the next scene, the Glee kids sing in front of a group, for the second time this hour.  This time. however, the audience is made up of teachers.  So, the kids won’t have to worry about getting shoes thrown at them again . . .

Well . . . maybe they have to worry a little bit.

The song the kids sang, as their coffers filled with faculty donations, was “Welcome Christmas,” a song with which, I’ll admit, I was completely unfamiliar, before this episode.   And yet, one line of the song really stood out for me:  “Christmas time it will always be, just as long as we have Glee Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. on Fox”  Now how’s THAT for product placement?

Conveniently, at the last moment, Sue walks in on the “caroling,” and immediately vomits is touched with the Christmas spirit.   By the time the kids return to the choir room, all the Shake Weights are back under the tree, and everything is as it should be.

But wait!  There’s MORE!  Sue also convinces the Glee kids to go to WILL’S house, so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas alone.  (What’s the matter Glee kids?  Do none of you have parents?)  Will is touched by the gesture, and shocked that it was Sue who orchestrated it.  “I thought you hated the holidays,” says Will incredulously.

“No, I just hate you,” Sue replies.

Did I mention that Sue bought Will a Christmas gift too?

It’s a razor!  So, Will can shave his HEAD!  Get it?  Well . . . I guess some things never change.  (And yet . . . now that Sue mentions it, Will would look kind of hot with a crew cut . . . kind of like Channing Tatum . . .)

Sorry Mike!

The last moments of this very Yuletidey mid-season finale feature the Glee kids celebrating Christmas together at Will’s house . . .

It’s a schmaltzy, but sweet, end, to a schmaltzy, but sweet, Glee episode.  Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  So, Merry Gleestmas to all, and to all a Good Night! 

(Oh, and see you next year, my fellow Gleekys!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

Fishing, Fistulas and Fake Marriages – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Adrift and at Peace”

Cristina really wanted to catch a fish.  So, Derek threw one at her . . .

This week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy featured two marriage proposals, two (sort of) couple reunions, two hot new cast members, and one REALLY BIG FISH!

Not bad for a single hour of television, right?  Let’s recap!

 There’s No CRYING in Fishing!

When the episode opens, Meredith is nagging Derek about his decision to take Cristina fishing, on his day off.  While Meredith might very well be concerned about Cristina’s emotional state, her PTSD, how gosh darn frustrating and annoying her character has become since The Shooting, and her sudden inability to practice medicine, she seems most worried about Cristina’s bodily functions.  “There’s no bathroom,” whines Meredith.

Clearly, in addition to all the other things PTSD has done to Cristina, it has also made her incontinent . . .

Don’t leave home without them . . .

Ignoring Meredith’s plaintive potty pleas, Derek takes Cristina out on the lake for an exciting afternoon of sitting in a boat and stroking poles.  Cristina tries to impress Derek with all of her newly acquired fishing knowledge.  But Derek basically tells her to shut the hell up.

“Be quiet, or I will CUT YOU!  I’ve done time in the pokey, you know . . .”

Then Cristina catches a BIG FISH . . .

 . . . which makes her cry . . .

“I just pooped in my pants.”

 . . . and makes Derek smile.

“Haha, Owen has to sleep with Poopy Pants tonight!”

Luckily, the moment was captured on camera!

Because, who wouldn’t want to remember a thing like that?  (ME!)

Apparently, Cristina’s dramatic tears are supposed to represent progress in her “Journey Back to Mental Health” or something . . . At least, that’s what Meredith and Derek think . . .

Then again, they aren’t the ones who have to sleep with Poopy Pants . . .

“Thanks a lot, A$$holes!”

Speaking of A$$holes . . .

Wanna Play the Blame Game?

Meredith and Owen have been bickering like an old married couple, because Meredith thinks Owen is “letting Cristina fall apart, and doing nothing about it” (which he is).  And Owen thinks Meredith is a “reckless suicidal wackadoo, who asked a psychotic gunman to shoot her” (which she also is).  Owen even goes so far as to kick Meredith out of his ER!  There is obviously some angry sexual tension here.  But if the writers of this show ever make Meredith and Owen cheat on their respective spouses, and hookup, I will be SUPER PISSED! 

Just sayin’ . . .

Sex with you makes me sad!

Do I have to break out the Rubber Duckie again?

If there was a book of things you should never say to your lover . . .

 . . . “Sex with you makes me sad,” would be on the first page . . . and “while I’m having sex with you, I think about [insert name here] would be on the second.  Nevertheless, these are the words Callie and Sloan exchange with one another, after a morning of sharing hot showers.  After, Callie kicks Sloan out of the shower . . .

 . . . and he “recovers” . . .

 . . . Dr. McSteamy becomes determined to win back Lexie, a girl who doesn’t get sad from screwing him.  First, Sloan does Lexie a sexual medical favor, in exchange for her agreeing to get a drink with him at Joe’s.  Lexie doesn’t really want to go out with Sloan.  So, she tells Avery to interrupt the date, and make an excuse as to why she must leave.

(Unfortunately, Avery was dressed at the time . . .)

Then, Sloan chats with a patient, who started to date her now-husband, because he kissed her while “bowling” ( not a sexual euphemism, sadly), and was a “Really Good Kisser.”

So, when Lexie arrives at the bar, and starts babbling on-and-on about why she can’t date Mark again, he does this .  . .

And, suddenly, Lexie is in luuuuuuuuuuuve again.  Then, Avery arrives . . .

Sorry, Avery!  It looks like you’re stuck with me! 🙂

Eat My Door, Arizona!

“And no, that is NOT a euphemism for sexual favors either . . .”

Callie’s still feeling like crap this week, because her girlfriend, Arizona, dumped her for Africa.  And because she wants to let everyone know that she’s “Still Awesome,” Callie commandeers Alex to help her perform a new non-invasive type of hip surgery on a patient, who has a majorly annoying wife . . .

Alex and Callie rock the surgery . . .

But Alex still wants to specialize in Pediatrics.  So, he turns down Callie’s offer to train him as a Bone Specialist.

Callie:  “Why are doctors who like kids always dumping my ass?”

Speaking of doctors who like kids and dump Callie’s ass, Arizona shows up at Callie’s door toward the end of the episode.  But, rather than apologize for breaking her heart and leaving her ass that the airport, Arizona just tells Callie she missed her a lot, and decided to leave Africa, because not having sex with Callie “made her sad.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself, B*tch?”

So, Callie slams the door in Arizona’s face, and goes back to rubbing her duckie . . . solo . . .

Marry Me, Noel Crane!

“What will Felicity say?”

Nice Guy, Noel Crane from that old show Felicity has a pretty bad tumor, and has maxed out his health insurance  .  . .

So, he asks his girlfriend, who is NOT named Felicity, to marry him, so that he can get her PPO.  (That’s not a sexual euphemism either . . . sorry!)  NotFelicity ultimately turns Noel Crane down because she is a heinous b*tch. 

Teddy, who is feeling kind of crappy about the whole “Cristina has PTSD” thing, and recognizes that her own character has been generally unlikeable for quite some time now tries to get the hospital to take on Noel Crane’s treatment pro bono.

But THIS GUY says “NO.”

“You can hate me if you want, but I’ve got my SAG card now . . . and no one is taking that away from me.”

So, Teddy asks Noel Crane to marry her and use her health insurance.  Noel Crane says “Yes” . . .

(Somewhere in TV Land, Felicity Porter is crying her eyes out . . .)

“This is worse than the time I got that bad haircut, and everyone stopped watching my show . . .”

In other, New Hot Cast Member news . . .

Greetings, Nurse Panty Dropper!

Making sponge baths fun for TWELVE YEARS!

Bailey is still obsessed with fistulas, ever since Mandy Moore croaked from them . . .

 (well . . . not really . . . but on this show she did!).  Now, Bailey’s got her residents investigating various ways to prevent fistulas.  But they are taking WAY too long in doing so.  So, Bailey gets an idea . . .

After seeing how awed the residents are by watching Bailey extract a gallbladder through a patient’s mouth . . .

 . . . Bailey asks Lexie if she would like the opportunity to do the same thing on her own.  Lexie says she wants it about as much as she used to want a pony when she was a kid . . . In other words, she wants it A LOT!  April (who now has a new hair color, which makes her look like kind of like those old Strawberry Shortcake dolls) . . .

 . . . brags that she worked hard when she was a kid, and actually got herself a pony . . .

April’s Little Pony

Anyway, Bailey tells her “pony-loving” Fistula Research Crew that the resident who’s patient doesn’t get fistulas will win the opportunity to pull a gallbladder out of somebody’s mouth . . .

But NONE of the residents can prevent the fistulas!  You know who DOES prevent the fistulas though?  THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about hot half naked guy on the left with the BIG Hose!  (Unfortunately, he was dressed at the time . . .)

When Bailey asks Nurse Panty Dropper (that’s my new name for the dude pictured above), why he insisted on removing a patient’s “tube,” despite Lexie’s request that he leave it in for two more days, Nurse Panty Dropper replies that he is not just a “Pretty Face” he is a Majorly Hot Body too!  In fact, Nurse Panty Dropper has been removing tubes from patients for twelve years, and they never got fistulas. 

In other words, “Butt Out, BAILEY!  I’ve got this sh*t under control!”

Upon reviewing Nurse Panty Dropper’s records, Bailey learns that he ALWAYS removes the tube in question after THREE DAYS, instead of FIVE.  And it is this early tube removal that apparently prevents fistulas.  GO FIGURE!

Bailey is very happy!

“I CURED FISTULAS!”  She shouts triumphantly, interrupting the Chief’s board meeting to share the happy news.  (Ummmm . . . actually Bailey, Nurse Panty Dropper cured fistulas, you just kind of watched . . .)

Bailey is so thankful for Nurse Panty Dropper and his Hot Bod of Sin miraculous medical techniques, that when he asks her out on a date, she says, “OK . . . because you gave me Day 3.”

“And because I’m very handsome,” adds Nurse Panty Dropper.

Bailey nods shyly at Nurse Panty Dropper’s assessment.  Then she butt wiggles away, so he can get a nice shot of her rearview.  And why the heck not?  She’s just had the BEST DAY EVER!

Well, that was “Adrift and at Peace” in a nutshell.  And . . . since there are no new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy until January . . .

 . . . I leave you with this promo, to wet your whistle for what’s to come . . .

See you next year!

[www.juliekushner.com]