Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid. The world as we know it clearly has ended. Let’s review, shall we?
I Dream of Evil . . .
Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .
Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew. On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby. After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity. And let us not forget THOSE ABS!
And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful. He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.
Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?
Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .
Parental Guidance Suggested
For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental . . . (and sometimes all of the above)
. . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction. Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.
“Can I offer you a hug? Or perhaps a cookie?”
Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school. This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!
Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!
Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . . being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . . accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . . leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?
But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?
The Ali Diaries, Part 26
For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she? I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!
Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart. But that’s just me . . .
At their regular morning Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.
In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .
But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be? Was it THIS GUY?
He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day . . . (Get it? Hang out? I guess you had to be there.)
Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode? Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?
One person it definitely not was Abs Toby. Why? Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .
“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”
“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”
We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback. And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead. Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .
In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL. In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .
Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer. In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.
“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself. “You’re just depressed. For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”
Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .
Well that’s one mystery solved . . .
“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND? YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA. OK! WHAT? NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”
So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?
And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?
Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.” Caleb was the culprit!
It makes sense, when you think about it. After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . . before he found out he had a magically rich mom? Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff! Boy’s gotta eat, right?
Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .
Just a thought.
Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.
This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible
“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”
Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read. Spencer totally flips out in English class! Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.
“Was it something I made you read?”
Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .
“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”
Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf. And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school. Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there. Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?
Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty. And it’s a really powerful moment. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?
Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria . . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .
Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .
Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch. (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.
ARIA: “What? You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder. April Fools . . . in February!”
Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due. Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances. Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding. By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.
Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself? What can I say? I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!
Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .
Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism
When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series. Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.
Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!
At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!
“You B*TCH! Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”
Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all. Off to the pokey you go, girl! But not to worry! Emily is waiting for you there . . .
Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?
“You again? Don’t you ever leave?”
Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!
Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .
. . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .
. . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!
Now, that’s some pretty big gossip! But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops. Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.
Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?
Here’s a better question. Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?
In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .
Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .
. . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .
. . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?
Oh dear! It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention! Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?
Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel? More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode. Come on! Don’t pretend you don’t want one!
Greetings, Werebangers! This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive. After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .
Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information. We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master. We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims . . . what ties them together . . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.
And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!
Color me impressed . . .
So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here. Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites: teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf. So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]
In ‘Da Club
Go Wolf Twins! It’s your birthday! We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday. We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .
Go shorty, it’s your birthday! (But hopefully, not your 24th.) Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills. And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .
. . . is going to be there. This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!
Seriously? Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses. And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .
But that’s neither here nor there. What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?). And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened. Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?
“Hi! Welcome to my funeral! Admission is $75 . . .”
The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them. For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.
Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago, back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad. (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24. But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)
“It is was a hard knock life for us.”
Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.
The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds. However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.
Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?
“I got it! I know who the Kanaima’s Master is! It’s KAISER SOZE!”
We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth). But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?
Confused yet? There’s more!
The Puppet Master
OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations. All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .
While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is! Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).
The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master. They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings. So, what hurts one, hurts the other. (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)
“Hey kids! Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”
In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads! Talk about a bargain. (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket. That’s for sure!)
Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .
Isaac gets a two-fist discount.
Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf. Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves. They can’t fight Scott. They can’t fight Derek. They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison. And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson. (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern. Four = these two are pathetic.)
But they are excellent at sleeping!
And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting. When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too. FREE!
Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face. Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums. Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?
The World may never know . . .
In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .
In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .
For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover. “Who will she choose?” The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.
Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.
For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family. I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .
And Scott loves his mom . . .
But Allison? With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”) Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be. (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!) I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves. It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.
However, that all changed this week. It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .
“Hey Allison! You used to like playing with Barbie’s right? Well, these are life size! I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”
. . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.
“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . . .”
And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .
“It’s not you. It’s me. It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight. And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”
Now, in Scott’s defense, he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.
And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”
That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy. For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp. For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.
“Silly Scott! And you’re supposed to be the smart one. Oh wait, no your not. Nevermind then.”
Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .
Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking heatedly in an empty classroom. All she was . . . well . . “the heat.” And so, instead, she looked like this . . .
That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch! And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!
In much kinder and gentler news . . .
Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .
Good ole, Stiles. Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .
. . . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!
And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”
If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .
Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .
But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .
Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.
You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?
Allow me to explain . . .
Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.” So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and, SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!
Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .
You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”
“Oh this? This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”
However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave. And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.
And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?
So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot. Real nice!
“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”
Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle. But does Stiles get discouraged. Heck no! Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle. And, just like that, HE DOES! It’s magical . . .
. . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.
I’ll let you know how that goes . . .
In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .
Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission. “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.
You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course, he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission! (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy? Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)
But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first. Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them. It’s time to do battle!
At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back. You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.” Now, I know the truth. Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack. On the contrary, he’s Alpha’s Pet! This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are. Instead, he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!
Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their . . . weapons and stuff.
“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.” Consider that a lesson learned. Hey, you can’t win em all!
Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .
It’s Bump and Grind Time!
It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it. That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will, if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .
Easier said than done . . .
I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.
And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes. Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .
Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast. It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle. But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room. But Poor Pathetic Isaac. Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.
“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!
In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .
But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust! The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson. As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.
In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.
“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event. Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.
This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die. My theory? Drowning!
It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .
Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .
It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .
Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.
Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .
Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim. Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .
“Go, BYE BYE!”
Hey, look on the bright side. Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!
How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)
Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.” This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee! Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”
Real smooth, Matty-poo!
Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . . “He came out of nowhere! It was just an accident.”
WRONG! As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .) And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).
What happens next is a little shocking . . .
I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive. What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .
In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing. Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends. I am! All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . . hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.
Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves. Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season. “One bite can change everything.”
This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant. I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .
In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .
“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”
. . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.” But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway. Is she a relative? Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on? Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?
Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions. Until next time, Werebangers!
Hey there, Werebangers! This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was not for the weak of heart or stomach.
Erica became the Catwoman to Stiles’ Batman, just in time to have her kitty-clawed arm twisted out of it’s socket. Lydia had the unfortunate experience of having her “My Date with Emo” romantic comedy life, merge with her “I See Dead People (or rather the Same Dead Person, Over and Over Again) ” horror movie life, in a way that forced her to recognize that she might actually be Tyler Durden from Fight Club.
Jackson got to have snakes crawl in and out of every orifice of his body, like it was a jungle gym. Big Bad Hoodie Guy reminded us why you should never EVER go to the hospital in Beacon Hills. And Allison’s mom went really, REALLY overboard sharpening a pencil.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, thank you to MY Master . . . of screencaps that is, Andre! Thanks for all of your hard work, and for not being at all evil. I also appreciate your not making snakes come out of my eyeballs. ;)]
“Well, hello there soon-to-be-dead people we’ve never met!”
Ahhh, the good ole “Victim Extras Whose Soul Purpose in Life is to Die Terrible Horrible Deaths Just So We Know the Big Bad Means Business.” It’s a tale as old as horror movie time. But the writers of Teen Wolf took this one step further, by using these seemingly random and senseless deaths to actually add to the season’s over-arching mystery.
We open on a youngish married couple — late 20’s, early 30’s tops — who have recently fallen on hard times and have been forced to make their home in a particularly dingy trailer. But wait, it’s about to get worse, when the husband of the couple goes out side to chat with a heretofore unseen Big Bad Hoodie Guy about some faulty lights, and ends up being (1) ripped from the ground by a giant snake; (2) murdered by said snake; and finally (3) shoved through the window of his trailer, so that his wife can look at the snake’s handiwork.
Same old, same old, right? But here’s where things get interesting . . . After doing away with the husband, the snake comes back inside the trailer to finish off the wife, who totally seems like a goner. But then the camera pans down and we notice, at presumably the same time that the snake does that the wife is VERY pregnant. So, we’re thinking. “Great! Two for one special for the Big Bad Snake.”
Except, it isn’t. Because, for SOME reason — which I plan to speculate about in a bit — the snake has decided to show this pregnant lady mercy . . . for now.
So, what have we learned from this . . . I mean . . . aside from the obvious: ((1) Don’t talk to people in hoodies! (2) Don’t park your trailer in the creepy woods! (3) Getting knocked up might just save your life!)? Well, we’ve learned that Kanaima Jackson, unlike his werewolf counterparts, is not just limited to his human and lizard form. He’s a true shapeshifter, one that can morph into multiple types of reptiles, and possibly even animals from other species. This is also the first time we’ve seen the Kanaima Puppet Master in Action, pulling Jackson’s strings from beneath a trademark Dark Hoodie Worn By Every Villain in Every Teen Horror Movie Ever.
And this guy (or girl?) means business . . .
The next day, at school . . .
But what if Stiles has to pee?
I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but the moment I saw the trailer for this week’s episode — which hinted that the erstwhile kidnapped Kanaima Jackson convinced his parents to get a restraining order against Scott and Stiles — I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering how the heck that was going to work, when, by mere virtue of going to the same high school, Scott, Stiles and Jackson would nearly ALWAYS be within 500 feet of one another. Well, apparently, the writers must have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it too. Because they treated us to Stiles absolutely HILARIOUS speech about how Jackson’s restraining order could negatively impact his bodily functions . . .
“What if I have to pee? And Jackson has to pee? And the only two available stalls are right next to one another?”
Of course, Jackson’s dad thought Stiles was being sarcastic and making light of the situation, which, knowing Stiles, I suspect he was. And yet, in a real Restraining Order situation the whole Pee Standing Up thing would actually become a genuine legal issue . . . not to mention the fact that Jackson seems to have Every Single One of his Classes with Scott and Stiles despite the fact that Scott is a total mental midget, and would probably never place into the high-level type classes Stiles, Jackson and Lydia would take.
Mama McCall is understandably freaked out by her son’s foray into kidnapping, and even goes as far as to take away Scott’s most prize possession as punishment . . . his Stiles. A Scott without his Trusty Sidekick / Wingman? Now, that would be a sign of Teen Wolf’s impending cancellation the Apocalypse. Though Scott comes awfully close to telling his mom the truth about why he’s seemingly acting like a total teen sociopath, Stiles coaxes his bestie out of the completely unbelieveable “The Lizard Thingy Made Me Do It” excuse, by navigating his pal toward a much more “believable” one, i.e. “I’m just sad because I have a deadbeat dad.”
Way to guilt trip your mommy for being single, Scott!
Meanwhile, over at Wolfpack Hideaway 2.0 . . .
Derek is busy telling wolf pups Isaac and Erica (SERIOUSLY WHERE IS BOYD and who did he have to blow to get out of all these mandatory lecture sessions?) . . .
. . . to “play nice” with Scott and Stiles, so that they’ll readily give up intel about the Kanaima. Erica, who’s idea of “playing nice” typically involves “thinly-veiled propositions of sex disguised as not particularly credible threats to one’s safety” thinks this is a super idea, one that might just end up getting her impregnated, thereby contributing to the Wolf Bloodline.
Because everyone knows that if Jackson was a Hogwarts Wizard, he’d be a Slytherin
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this seemingly nonsensical, not to mention utterly disgusting scene, in which Jackson impressively charms a Class Pet snake . . .and then SWALLOWS IT HOLE. I wish I could say this was a metaphor for sex, but it SO wasn’t.
In which the sight of Naked Jackson eliminates my ability to come up with a clever subheading for this section . . .
I’ve showed it once before, but it bears repeating . . .
It turns out that Derek’s wolf pups aren’t the only ones trying to “squeeze intel” out of the opposition. Based on further research regarding the Kanaima, Team Scott n’ Stiles decide that it’s actually a “good creature” most of the time. And by “good creature” I mean it still murders people, but only really, really bad ones . . . kind of like that Dexter guy on the Showtime series . . . So, why is Jackson’s Kanaima such a total douche, they wonder?
Well, obviously, it has something to do with the fact that Kanaima Jackson’s Master is clearly a douche. Oh, and did I mention that Jackson is also . . . at least about 98.999% of the time a douche? I don’t know . . . the answer to this one seems pretty darn obvious to me. I mean, if it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and looks like a lizard . . .
Nevertheless, Scott and Stiles are willing to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, and blame shoddy parenting on his sociopathy / lizardy tendency to KILL EVERYONE, even members of his own kind . . . Except, in order to make this hypothesis stick, they need to first figure out what happened to Jackson’s bio parents . . .
Not surprisingly, Stiles hits up Jackson’s ex, Lydia for information. Unfortunately, the Jackson-centric portion of Lydia’s genius, but increasingly addled brain is a locked vault.
Lydia is loyal to Jackson and his secrets, because, in between verbally and emotionally abusing her, Jackson occasionally gives her nice kisses . . .
Erica overhears this exchange take place, and decides that it’s the perfect time to swoop in and “play nice.” She tells Stiles that she just might have the information he’s seeking. But when Stiles does run straight into Erica’s waiting tongue and / or lodge his head in between her boobs, girlfriends gets pissed, pushes him up against the wall, and tries to claw off his face. So much for “playing nice.”
Fortunately, for Erica, Stiles, who’s kind of used to this sort of abuse, take this precursor to date rape in stride. He even throws a little comic book humor into the mix for good measure!
Elsewhere, Scott is taking a makeup chemistry test. Here’s hoping he doesn’t hallucinate scary questions onto it, like last time. (Wait, now that I think about it, that might have actually been an important plot point. More on that later.)
Also elsewhere, Allison is busy stalking Jackson near the boy’s locker room, when she runs into her own personal stalker Creepy Camera Guy. It’s like a Stalker Circle Jerk! Creepy Camera Guy awkwardly invites Allison to a rave. And I have to wonder if it’s at the same gay club the cast visited last week . . . because . . . let’s face it, no matter how many unflattering close-up shots, Creepy Camera Guy takes of Allison’s face, he’s not fooling ANYBODY!
Speaking of folks who enjoy gay porn, Allison hears a scream coming from the locker room, and rushes in to find a Wet and Naked Jackson just, for lack of a better term, hanging out by the showers.
Can I get a heck yeah? This might very well be the best looking lizard thingy I have ever seen!
Ab-tastically beautiful, though he might be, Jackson has some not so kind things to say to Allison about the state of her relationship with Scott. In short, he thinks it’s soon-to-be about as dead as that random guy from the first scene of this episode. Then Jackson gets up in Allison’s face, and tackles her . . . but not in a sexy, “I’m the perpetually naked high school jock in the smash hit porno flick, High School Humpsical.” In fact, the whole scene is pretty darn dark and terrifying.
To Scott’s credit, the minute his wolfy senses note a shift in Allison’s pulse, he immediately (and correctly) assumes that his girlfriend is in danger, without ever once considering the possibility that the heartrate increase is the result of Allison and Jackson . . . um . . . playing find the lizard with one another? He speeds through his exam. (OK, this dude is never graduating . . . ever!) And then rushes to the locker room to be Allison’s Knight and Shining Werewolf once again . . .
Back on top of Allison, Jackson is beginning to return to his non-Kanaima senses, and figures out that body tackling your “friends” and calling them b*tches is NOT cool.
Of course, this realization might have come too late, because it’s Scott to the rescue!
Rumble in the Restroom!
“I have a restraining order!” Jackson screams frantically, as Scott storms toward him.
Meanwhile, outside, Erica is trying her hands at “playing nice” with Stiles’ again, but it’s hard to tell whether she’s being for real, or if it’s simply part of Derek’s plan. Erica admits to Stiles that, back before she was a Werewolf Slutbag, she had a major crush on him, which is sweet.
Fake or not, it’s precisely the kind of thing Stiles’ needs to hear every once in a while . . . that he’s not invisible . . . that he’s more than just “Scott’s friend,” that girls notice and pine over him, the same way he notices and pines over Lydia. We all need to hear that sometimes, don’t we?
But then, Stiles sees water seeping from the Men’s Locker Room, and it’s “Danger, Danger, Scott McCall!” Within minutes, the fight is literally taken outside in the hallway, and Stiles, Erica, Allison, and, oddly enough, Creepy Camera Guy, who was “just happening by,” rush into the fray to “Stop the Violence.”
No good deed goes unpunished. And their effort results in the entire gang getting detention thanks to Positively No One’s Favorite Chemistry Teacher . . .
Meanwhile, back at Scott’s house, Mama McCall starts not-so-subtly rummaging through Scott’s room to find out why he’s seemingly become a sociopath overnight. She doesn’t need to look hard, before she finds a HUGE, ECONOMY SIZE and very nearly empty, box of condoms just sitting right there on the counter.
On one hand, WAY TO GO, SCOTT! YOU STUD! On the other, really kid, how dumb can you be? Hide your condoms in the false bottom of your teddy bear, or at least in the bottom of your sock drawer like everybody else . . .
Because everyone who’s seen The Breakfast Club knows that one detention can change EVERYTHING!
Detention in the library for the Princess, the Jock, the Rebel, the Basketcase, and the Nerd . . . OK, maybe not . . . maybe it’s just Scott, Stiles, Jackson, Allison, Erica, and Creepy Camera Guy . . . close enough! Scott and Stiles cleverly note that having Jackson sit at their table violates his restraining order, prompting Chemistry Teacher to move him to the next table. Seriously? Worst enforcement of a restraining order, EVER!
While the Chemistry Teacher is gone, the Supper Club uses this time for their own personal research. Creepy Camera Guy researches the Kanaima based on intel he stole from Scott’s (?) iPad. Erica, who’s dad is an insurance provider or something, looks up Jackson’s parents death, and confirms that they died in a car accident the day BEFORE Jackson was born. This means either that Jackson was C-Sectioned out of his mother’s dead body, or something is seriously amiss here.
Speaking of seriously amiss, Jackson is starting to look super sick and headachey . . .
Oh, look, it’s a Tylenol commercial!
. . . so he dashes out to REMOVE THE SNAKE FROM EYEBALL! WHY, WRITERS, WHY?
Elsewhere, Scott’s mom chats with Mama Argent at school, about the very real possibility that Scott and Allison might be not-so-much broken up and boning. This prompts Mama Argent to sharpen a pencil to a size that I suspect is supposed to represent Scott’s weiner, so that she can wave it around like a not particularly well-endowed cast member of Magic Mike. Now, that’s just cold!
Later, Mama Argent calls Scott to the office, and warns him to keep it in his pants . . . literally. She’s a real sweetheart, this one . . .
Meanwhile, Stiles wonders if Creepy Camera Guy is the Kanaima Master, just because he’s creepy, which, I guess is a good enough reason . . . it’s why I always used to suspect him.
On the other hand, moments later we get confirmation that the Chemistry Teacher drives the car with Einstein bumper sticker . . . the one the Kanaima was fondling a few episodes back. This would suggest that HE is the actual Kanaima Master. And yet, I think we’d all love to be proven wrong about this. It all just seems too obvious. Plus, from a nitpicker’s standpoint, Chemistry Teacher seems so much taller than Big Bad Hoodie Guy, who actually looks like it might be a woman . . .
Just sayin’ . . .
On the other hand, the Kanaima Master uses a trick of mental manipulation on Jackson that we’ve only seen before in the context of the Chemistry Teacher. Remember I told you about Scott, and that weird test, with the ever changing answers? Well, now the spines of Jackson’s books are talking to him, and telling him to take a nap, so the Kanaima can resume control, and do it’s duty.
He obeys . . .
The next thing you know, a half-lizard, half-zombie, half-whatever Jackson is zipping around the room, destroying everything in his path, and venoming Matt and Erica, the latter of whom promptly starts seizing again, something we haven’t seen her do, since she was turned.
Then, the THING, whatever it is, writes a warning on the board for everyone still conscious. It says, more or less, don’t get in my way or I’ll kill you.
I don’t know about you guys, but I believe him. As a rule, I generally don’t like to involve myself with people who swallow snakes, and then proceed to poop them out of their eyeballs.
Then again, maybe that’s just me . . .
When all is said and done, Scott and Stiles decide to take the seizing Erica to Derek, while Allison waits with Creepy Camera Guy. Scott and Allison, of course, make a huge deal about splitting up for a couple of hours, as if doing so symbolizes the beginning of the end of their relationship.
“Chill out, I’m just going to the bathroom!”
We can dream, can’t we? And, because this is TV, maybe it does . . .
Flower Guy is Peter / Peter is Lydia / Lydia is Flower Guy / Lydia is Peter Corpse, a.k.a. WTF!
Elsewhere, Lydia and her weird new “boyfriend” who no one has ever seen but her, make plans to meet near his house, which seemed to just suddenly appear out of nowhere, fully formed behind Lydia’s own. Creepo tells Lydia to bring his wolfsbane flower on her date. But she’s lost it, and can’t seem to find any in her garden . . . probably because Creepo pulled that flower out of his ass . . .
In a trance, Lydia walks behind her house, and comes upon a really nice house, that’s completely empty inside, save for some leaves and debris. What’s with people in this town and empty homes? Doesn’t anyone here like furniture? Just wait . . . all will be explained in a bit . . .
Lydia meets her creepo in the middle of the house, and apologizes about the flower. It’s all very dreamlike and surreal probably because none of it is actually real. The pair randomly start making out . . . yeah, because that’s how most of us would react to a guy we just met, who gave us a dinky flower, and invited us alone to his unfurnished serial killer lair . . .
Lydia, I’m disappointed in you! I thought you were supposed to be smart.
But wait . . . this isn’t a new, nice house at all . . . it’s that OTHER unfurnished house . . . Derek’s, the same one Lydia was drawn toward, when she escaped naked into the woods from the hospital, which suggests that this has been Lydia’s “neighbor” all along. The Hale house . . . Lydia’s hallucination of the place was probably a depiction of what it looked like before the fire charred it all up.
You know what else isn’t looking so hot anymore. Creepo . . . probably because now he’s Dead Burned-Up Peter. Apparently, Lydia’s bite has had the impact of allowing Lydia to see how everything Hale looked prior to the fire . . . Peter included. In other words, Creepo is nothing more than a Young Peter. And Young Peter, just like the nice-looking Hale house, no longer exists. He’s been a figment of Lydia’s imagination all along.
You see, in the scene that follows, a charred up looking Peter informs an oddly unemotional, under the circumstances, Lydia that her unique immunity to the bite, will mean big things for Peter. Apparently, she’s going to do something for him. But what, revive him? Allow him to possess her body, in a way, that, to some extent he already has? The scene was purposefully unclear in this respect. All we know is that Peter’s nasty ass decaying body is currently buried beneath the Hale house. The question is, for how much longer will it stay there?
“You make a good Batman.”
Over at Derek’s lair, hot stuff looks so incredibly sexy, when he’s playing Barbarian Witch Doctor, breaking poor Erica’s arm to leech the toxins from it.
Meanwhile, the poor girl cries out in pain, and Stiles holds her gently, a look of fear and genuine concern on his face. Erica’s eyes flutter as she looks up at Stiles. “You make a good Batman,” she tells him.
Oh, this chick is good . . . using pickup lines, mid-seizure, while your arm is being pulled out of it’s socket . . . that’s gotta deserve some kind of reward.
Later, Scott tells Derek that he’s willing to join the latter’s pack for the sole purpose of locating Jackson and the Master, [provided they do it “HIS WAY.” Aww, it looks like the gang’s getting back together again. How sweet!
You know what’s not so sweet though, that poor mom, who just gave birth in the hospital, only to have Big Bad Hoodie Guy snuff out her life with a pillow, which, as far as deaths go, is so much less cool than Dismemberment by Snakes . . .
But hey, you Kanaima win em’ all, right? Until next time, Werebangers!
[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER! Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.
“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”
“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”
“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses. (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)
BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”
DONUT: “I tried a few times. The hairbrushes never made it out alive. I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.”
Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut. “Donut!” She says. “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”
“Go forth, my minion. And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met . . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.”
Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car. But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).
“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her. Dammit weiner! This is all your fault.”
Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed. (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.) First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”
Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess. But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item. “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.
And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . .
Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .
Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop. I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.
Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!
“Oh the humanity!”
Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb. However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.
Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .
Ah! But here’s the problem. In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!
No worries! Blair Waldorf is a Princess! And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports! Oh wait . . . they aren’t? Well, it sure was a nice try! The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem. Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess. “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .
“Could you say that again, a bit slower? I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.”
The Princess, of course, is furious about this. She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face. How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less. Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!
Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .
The Case of the Missing Princess
Amazing, isn’t it? How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S? Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background. (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)
When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot? You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .
Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . . .
“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .”
Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.
Is it a far-fetched idea? Absolutely. But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?
Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment. Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .
Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a. the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only caterer girl in the Upper East Side. Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .
“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .”
Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily. And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .
“Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”
Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!
“What have you done with Blair?” Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .
“I will cut you, Georgina. (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)”
“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?” Georgina asks nefariously.
She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.
Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago. Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly. He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . . one by one.”
“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.
Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Silly Serena! Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?
Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . . But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .
As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts. Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?
In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .
Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality. Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.
“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.”
There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .
“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”
“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may have left.)
Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son. Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats. According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .
Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . .
Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of? Just saying . . .
Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .
Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota, and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . . I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.
“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!”
And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?
Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)
Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .
At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . .
Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year won’t be discovered. Off they go!
Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars . . . this week.
Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER! Beer? Nate thinks to himself. Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.
“You drink it out of a CAN?! Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”
While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call. “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!” Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece! Gotta run! Toodles!”
Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .
He asks Lola who was on the phone. And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.
“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .
“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?”
And that would be the end of this boring happy couple. But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house. Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail. Lily, of course, picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate. So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker. Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.
You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . . just sayin.
A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid. What a great mother she is!
In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.” And, really, you can’t blame the guy. I mean his cousin DID try to kill him. That’s going to give anyone trust issues!
“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!”
But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these . . .
“I’m interested in hearing about your world. I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”
Oooh! Rejected! But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena! I hear she’s an easy lay!
Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE. In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever. “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.
This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing. You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair? The book she NEVER actually read? Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door . . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”
It’s THESE GUYS!
Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot. “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says, crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations. (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)
“I know, right?” Blair replies.
Surprise! Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she? After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl. Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.
Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love. (HOORAY!) She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena. You have to admit, girlfriend has a point. That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!
Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic. Now, THAT’S more like it. But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!
“They will never find me here.”
“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)
Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!
“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”
It’s time for our weekly Chair scene. No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless. Chuck promises to protect Blair . . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her. He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding. And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!
But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him. She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them. She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.
“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.
But Blair has more apologizing to do. So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction. She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows. It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.” They hug. Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on . . . How generous and donuty of him!
She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.
Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS! She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans. (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.) Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.
It’s martyric . . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER. Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?
But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding. And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall. Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants. Please tell me they have those in Monaco. Now, that’s something I’d really like to see. Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it . . .
Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?
I think most of us probably figured that out already. But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for a little while longer. And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!
Greetings, Upper East Siders! And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding. During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.
Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding. Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding. Tell them what they will win, Bob!
It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!
Haha! Just kidding! Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course . . . Blair Waldorf. But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug. OK?
So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!
It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen. When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG! In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor. Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.
(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn. But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her. Go figure!)
Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again . . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck. Under the circumstances, can we really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?
Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable. And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed. So, that’s good, right? However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings. And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .
Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota. Could she be our second contestant, folks?
Nope! Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day. Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself. Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!
Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty). Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride. Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck. Why on Earth would she run away with me? such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own. From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .
Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .
Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding. This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game. Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed. Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.
Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree? Sesame Street?
Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony. Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.
OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest? Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?
This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean. So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course. (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)
But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue! You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico. And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE! Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!
Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game. Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest. You won’t be going home, empty handed, however. As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . . And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .
Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.
She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life. So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair. Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father. In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .
“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.
WOAH! Talk about taking one for the Team . . .
(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff. But the jury’s still out for me. I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)
“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”
Speaking of the android groom . . .
“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)
Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”
Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver. (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!) Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair. Well, that’s aspirational!
Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair. But I digress. Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing. Will SHE be a contestant in our game? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .
Apparently, not. You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union. And why not? That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity! She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.
Wow, step aside Bad!Priest. Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .
“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot. (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)
And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .
Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”
Congratulations, Serena! You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .
But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.
(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous. Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it. Just sayin . . .)
Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”
Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .
In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .
It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the actual plot of this episode. Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.
“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”
Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name. But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally. Here are some other things that Nate often forgets: (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .
Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap. It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .
Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast. So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair. But now he’s been single for an entire episode. So, clearly his life must be over.
NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”
DAN: *whistles uncomfortably*
“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest starwoman old enough to be my mothersupervillain girl.”
Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that. But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself. So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now. Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass. (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)
“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .”
Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding. STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING! Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog. (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring. What a fun scene THAT would be!)
Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .
In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .
As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him. (Ahh . . . honesty. Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)
A time of self-reflection?
But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress. Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.
“Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off. Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .”
Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.
“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.
The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . . Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp. “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy. When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten. Than, I realized what it was . . . you . . .”
That’s right, Upper East Siders. It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray. Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding? Only time will tell . . .
A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing
At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.
Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress. She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.
“Come and get me, Bot Boy!”
So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation? Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal? Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress. Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .
But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight. She still has one more ace up her sleeve. And she’s not afraid to use it . . .
“Don’t marry him.”
“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.
(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)
All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so. We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here. He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing. But he is also gentle, and earnest. Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.
He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy. He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.” “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.
And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return. “Of course, I love you, Chuck. I have always loved you. I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”
Sounds great right? So, what’s the problem? The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it. “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you. You should find someone who loves you too.”
Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room. But he doesn’t. Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have. She’s standing right in front of me.”
And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition. But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end. Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?
You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .
Georgina and Serena each up their game . . .
After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap. That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched). But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary. Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck. It’s a win-win move. Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize. (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he? Well . . . actually he can . . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)
Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.
Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging. (More on that, in a bit . . .)
But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit! She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her. You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .
But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .
Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot? Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.
“Please, save the applause until after the show.”
But will he?
iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .
Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far. And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)
Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on. Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.
Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .
“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation? STOP THIS THING, LOVER!”
Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing. (You know I love you, Chuck. But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)
I hope we can still be friends . . .
Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.” Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations. It’s Gossip Girl. She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.
Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding?
Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.
“You’re FREEEEEE! Run for your life!”
Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep. But the rest of the congregation is shocked. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?
It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH!
Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding. (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)
Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit. Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent. After all, he’s not the kind to write stories. He has stories written about him. Remember?
Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary. She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing. “You were dead,” she says. “I saved your life.”
Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts. But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst. What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding. And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”
In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season . . .
Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss. Next stop, reception!
Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward. Nate waddles off to hit on Lola. And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school. Now that’s romantic! Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .
“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .
Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey. But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).
“Do I smell fish? Ick, Robot Breath . . .”
“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect. When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh. My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg. Now I know she ees righth.” (Translation: Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers. My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage. Now, I know she is right.)
And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face. Classic. Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true. Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear. Ouch!
Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself. Absolutely! But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot. She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side. So, it’s kind of win-win, right?
NOOOO. Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders. She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.” And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper. So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.
Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)
. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding. Did Blair call him?
We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut. *sigh*
Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo. If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television. And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.
Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!
I definitely wasn’t expecting that! Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least. And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause. For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.
Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead? Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter. She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”
As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl. I don’t know. I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .
But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell. So, what did you think, Upper East Siders? Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you? Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce? As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.
I must admit, I’m a bit worried. These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse. What’s next? Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?
Uh oh! I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye! But, before I do that, let’s review. Shall we?
Unholy Alliances . . .
When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears. (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.) Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead. And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.
As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.
His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode. I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover. Talk about adding insult to injury! Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .
Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . .
Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. To this, Chuck responds, “Meh! Do it. She’s got a sexy voice. And knowing your track record, she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go. Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”
Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.
Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .
“Kiss me, you Donut!”
So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating? Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning. That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple. But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .
Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type. So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style or lack thereof.
Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time. She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.” She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him. Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”
“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?”
But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless. And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .
At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.
“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings? Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”
Blair used to rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath. But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely. So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )! And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.
Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .
Beatrice-bot really plays up her other species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery Extravaganza. (Why? What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials? Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)
“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.”
Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor. And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”
Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable. When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?” How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks, while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.
But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .
Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)
In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck. (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair. And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss. The GG writers are such shameless teases! Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.” But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .
Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor. So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball. No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time. My theory? Slimeball Priest ate him . . .
“Tastes just like Heaven . . .”
Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .
Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend? Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .
We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day. But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky. He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco. What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time? Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?
There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .
Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .
Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil?
Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this. Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .
See, Blair? Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy. You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him . . . (You know you want to . . .)
In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate. I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .
Oh, that’s cold! Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters. That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!
On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .
(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl? Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)
When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.” Nate, I’m sorry. I like you, and all. But you wouldn’t know a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .
Shameless of me . . . I know.
Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning. Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling. I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel. Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .
“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .”
In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena. Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?
“When did I become such a stud?”
Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth, enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth. And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .
“Heyyyyyy . . . Serena. So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship . . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?”
“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . . even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”
“Yeah that’s the one. Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that. It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all. It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent. And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer. It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer. Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.”
“Sure, honey. No problem. I’ll take that column down, right away. Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now. Toodles!”
(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)
Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .
As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it. I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here. By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute (basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him). And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .
“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”
If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit. They’re very comfy, you know . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is. So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . . (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)
“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means. Darn Gossip Girl! Always so cryptic!”
As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published. We’ve seen this now three times, already. The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now. I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).
In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck. Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . .
Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.” So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.
“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George. And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”
“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .”
Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena. You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.
You know what that means? Darena fanfiction. So suck it, Alessandra . . .
“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version? I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .”
Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”
Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him. Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too). But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl. I smell a SCHEME!
I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!
Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset. So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what. But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.
Even the actors look bored by this scene . . .
Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp? Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster? It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .
Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped.
Let’s put aside for a second the fact that we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t. He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.” What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks. The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?
I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.). But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby. Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?
Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .
“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .”
Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess? Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party. It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week. And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER. In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .
Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . .
Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .