lawyer | TV Recappers Anonymous

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I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week. She didn’t take it well . . .

Que Pasa, My Pretties! Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?

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This week on PLL, quite a few supporting characters found their lives caught in an ever-growing web of Big Fat Fibs.

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Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!

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That Rosewood . . . it sure is a wild and wacky place. Let’s review, shall we?

In which Lucas and Caleb Swap Personalities . . .

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So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”

Ahhh . . . those were the good old days. And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .

. . . I miss my adorkable stud muffin . . . A LOT.

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But I digress . . . the episode begins with Lucas getting reamed out by his principal, for having a BAAAD attitude, and getting BAAAAAD grades.

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Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something. And yet, somehow I doubt it . . . A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.

Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan. (That’s right, Lucas! You show that trashcan who’s boss!)

Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter. And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna. It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .

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Apparently, Caleb stopped hanging out with Lucas . . .

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. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.

This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.

Am I the only one noticing a pattern here? These two just totally did a personality swap . . . kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .

Now, Caleb, a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.

And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.

Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past, bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?

The plot . . . it thickens . . .

Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .

In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .

So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her. This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.

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As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.

We don’t get much for free in this world. And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .

But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change. It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.

In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.

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When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her ~~“because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future”~~ “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .

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. . . which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . . .

Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!

Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .

In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .

Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable, crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.

It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.

B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late, seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.

Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”

You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes. After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right? At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.

Except, as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident. This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS. And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.

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The question is why? And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.

Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby? Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?

Or this . . .

We may never know . . .

In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .

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Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”

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It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE. You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.

(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo. This might be one of the reasons why.)

And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.

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Hanna TOTALLY jumped the gun here.

And that speech Blind Jenna gave, about faking blind to PROTECT herself from “A?”

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If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger. I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .

Riiiight . . .

In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .

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But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona. Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?

You just never know what you’re going to get with her. One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .

. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength. Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”

Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .

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. . . gossiping with Hanna, having secret meetings with BAAAD Lucas, and teaching Caleb how to play solitaire, while giving him makeout advice . . .

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But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again. Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?

Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)

In which A drinks coffin vodka . . . EWWW!

Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode . . . the “A” team moment. We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia. There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.

Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.