I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week. She didn’t take it well . . .
Que Pasa, My Pretties! Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?
Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!
So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”
Ahhh . . . those were the good old days. And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .
. . . I miss my adorkable stud muffin . . . A LOT.
Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something. And yet, somehow I doubt it . . . A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.
Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan. (That’s right, Lucas! You show that trashcan who’s boss!)
Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter. And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna. It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .
. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.
This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.
Am I the only one noticing a pattern here? These two just totally did a personality swap . . . kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .
Now, Caleb, a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.
And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.
Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past, bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?
The plot . . . it thickens . . .
Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .
In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .
So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her. This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.
As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.
We don’t get much for free in this world. And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .
But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change. It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.
In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.
When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .
. . . which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . . .
Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!
Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .
In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .
Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable, crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.
It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.
B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late, seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.
Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”
You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes. After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right? At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.
Except, as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident. This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS. And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.
The question is why? And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.
Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby? Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?
Or this . . .
We may never know . . .
In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .
Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.
So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”
It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE. You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.
(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo. This might be one of the reasons why.)
And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.
If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger. I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .
Riiiight . . .
In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .
But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona. Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?
You just never know what you’re going to get with her. One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .
. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength. Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”
Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .
But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again. Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?
Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)
In which A drinks coffin vodka . . . EWWW!
Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode . . . the “A” team moment. We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia. There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.
Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.
Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.
I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .
. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.
But still, did “A” really have to drink it? That’s just gross . . .
[ (Mildly) Important Note About the The Vampire Diaries Recap for “Disturbing Behavior”: Hey Folks! I suspect some of you might be scouring the home page in search of my most recent TVD recap. All I can say is, IT’S COMING! I was feeling a bit under the weather last night, and decided it would be best to publish a thorough recap a bit late, rather than publish a shoddy recap on time. I promise to make it up to you, by adding plenty of extra yummy pics and GIFS into the mix! 😉 I hope you can forgive me. The recap should be up by early this evening (probably 8 or 9ish) Eastern Standard time. See you then, Fangbangers!]
Would it be inappropriate for me to ask you to have my babies? It would? Well, could you just flash your abs at me then?
Oh, dear, sweet, Mike Chang. You started off Season 1 as the Mysterious, Possibly Mute, Dancing Guy . . . a guy who . . . except for during the instrumental portion of songs . . . remained largely in the background. Then came Season 2, and our introduction to those glorious specimens of nature known as YOUR ABS.
You started dating Tina . . . and we started taking notice . . . but mostly just of your midsection.
Yes, I pasted the Abs Picture again . . . just in case you forgot what they looked like, when I pasted them two sentences ago. You got a problem with that?
But, now Season 3 is here . . . . Asian F has aired . . . and though it would be illegal in many states, I suspect there are many women out there, over legal drinking age, who would very much like to “Asian F” you, if you catch my drift. 😉
So, strap on those dancing shoes, because this ode to New Directions most woefully under-appreciated club members is about to begin . . .
That’s right, Mike Chang! You kick that poopyhead, Bad Influence Boyfriend! You kick him HARD!
Mike Chang’s dad is mad as hell. And he’s not going to take it anymore!
“This is my mad face, which, coincidentally, is not all that different from my happy face. Emotions are for losers . . . and people who score A minuses on their high school exams.”
His son is on a path toward destruction! He’s dating a vampire . . . well, at least someone who sometimes dresses like one!
Damon Salvatore finds this extremely insulting . . .
He’s in GLEE CLUB. And worst of all, he took a chemistry test, and received an A minus . . . an ASIAN F! At this rate, Mike will NEVER get into Harvard!
Oh, the horror!
Papa Chang thinks Mike might be ON DRUGS . . . and begs Principal Figgins to force him to submit to drug tests each week. He also wants him to . . . wait for it . . . QUIT GLEE CLUB. (NOOOOOOOOOO!)
Poor Mike! He’s horrified of the idea of losing the part of his life, that he values most. He promises his dad that he will do better . . . pay for a chemistry tutor, and never Asian F again (Well, at least not THAT kind of Asian F.)
But the problem, of course, is that Mike has A LOT on his plate right now. He’s going to Glee club practice. He’s spending extra hours at the school helping Mr. Schue run Booty Camp. He’s on the football team. He’s teaching the football team to dance, as part of Coach Beiste’s requirement that they all audition for the school play.
And, perhaps, most importantly (for purposes of this episode, anyway) Mike has decided to audition for the role of Riff in the school’s production of West Side Story. It’s a dancing part, of course. But it’s also . . . wait for it . . . a singing part. And we all know that singing isn’t necessarily a talent that comes naturally to Mike Chang . . .
“I’m really good at sex though.”
Will Mike be able to juggle it all, while earning straight A’s (NOT A minuses!), AND earn the role of his dreams? Mike decides to dance on it. In what was my opinion, the most moving part of the episode, Mike heads alone to the dance studio rips off his shirt, to reveal a super tight, arms bearing tank top (but no abs, unfortunately), and dances his frustrations, hopes and dreams in total and complete silence.
Then, he has imaginary conversations, both with his father — who values scholastic achievement above all else — and his girlfriend — who encourages his passion for dance, and the arts. Bolstered by the power he gets from his dancing, Mike finally feels capable of unburdening himself, and telling the two people he admires most, exactly how he feels . . . Well, technically, he only does it in his mind . . . but it’s certainly a start . . .
And though Mike has been double booked (He is supposed to be learning chemistry right now), our hero, though a bit late, DOES, ultimately decide to audition for the role of Riff. He does so, with one of the character’s token solos, a toe-tapping, finger-snapping number entitled “Cool,” which showcases both his trademark dance moves, and his raspy, yet surprisingly sexy, singing voice.
“Yeah . . . I know . . . I’m awesome. You totally want to get with this.”
Accompanying him on his audition are some pretty goofy-looking dancing football players. (So, now we know where Mike has slacked.)
“OK guys . . . you just keep doing the hokey pokey. And I swear, nobody is going to ever find out that I never actually taught you to dance.”
But hey, nobody’s perfect . . .
After the audition, Mike returns to the comfort of the dance studio. It is there where he encounters his mother. Upon noticing that he had missed his appointment with his chemistry tutor, she had arrived at the school to make sure he was OK. UH OH! Busted!
Tired of hiding his true self, Mike finally comes clean to his mother. He doesn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or astrophysicist, when he grows up. Wait for it . . . Mike wants to be . . . a professional dancer. The notion that Mike would end up coming clean to someone in his family about his true desires was not necessarily shocking or unexpected. What WAS shocking, however, was his mother’s response.
Mike’s mother admits that she was not as courageous as her son was, and gave up her own dreams to do what was expected of her. She does not want that for her son. And so Mike’s mother promises to support Mike’s dreams. “But what about Papa Chang?” You might ask.
“When you get the part [of Riff], we will tell him together,” Mama Chang tells her son.
“OK . . . cool, now while I have you here. I guess it’s also time I told you that I’ve fallen in love with a TV Recapper . . .”
And just in case you weren’t already reaching for the Kleenex at this point in the scene, there’s more! Mike asks his mother what dream SHE gave up during her childhood. As it turns out, she too wanted to be a dancer, but never had the wherewithal to take lessons. “Well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good teacher unless you are a football player,” says Mike.
Then . . . wait for it . . . he SLOW DANCES WITH HIS MOM!
“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.”
But Mike wasn’t the only Gleek dancing his way to success and satisfaction this week . . .
Brittany Runs the World (well . . . at least the gym)
I’ve decided I want to be Brittany S. Pearce for Halloween this year, and use the outfit she’s wearing here as my costume . . . Now, if only the costume came with her legs . . .
I told you Brittany is running for class president, last week, didn’t I? What I didn’t tell you is that she’s running a ROCKING CAMPAIGN, one based on the notion that the student council, up to this point, has been a predominately Man’s World. And this, in her opinion is why the “economy” of the school is going down the toilet . . . I’m sorry. I mean, the “magical poop-stealing water chair.”
Give me back my poop, B*tch!
So, the usually daft Brittany, in a rare show of genius, plans an all-female flash mob that begins in the halls of McKinley High, and ends in the school gym.
And you know the darn thing is a unanimous success, when you see the faculty (even Sue Sylvester!) doing their own nerdy chair-dances, as they watch her boogie down . . .
Have you ever wondered why Emma Pillsbury is . . . the way she is? You know . . . perpetually virginal, scared of her own shadow, and OCD-tastic?
Well, Will kind of wants to know too. After all, he would eventually like to marry this girl, and maybe even (GASP) actually bone her.
(Welcome to the ONLY man in the world, who doesn’t appear the least bit freaked out by his girlfriend’s Secret Wedding Magazine stash. And this is despite his having, pretty much, the WORST FIRST WIFE EVER!).
Two Words: Fake . . . Pregnancy.
In furtherance of his ultimate dual goal of getting both married and laid, Will requests to be introduced to Emma’s parents. The Schue undoubtedly knows from experience that the mere asking of this question sometimes has the result of causing marriage-intent women’s panties to immediately fly off their bodies, at warp speed. But Emma is not one of those women. In fact, she is SO dead set against this idea, that she lies and claims that her parents are DEAD, despite Will having HEARD her talk to them on the phone the night before.
“They are ghosts. I have ghost parents,” Emma offers feebly.
Will is crushed. He’s convinced that Emma doesn’t want him to meet her parents, because she’s ASHAMED OF Will, his freakish hair, odd attachment to underage girls and boys, teacher’s salary, and inability to say, “Have Mercyyyyy,” like that guy from Full House.
Remember him?
Will turns to Beiste for help with his quandary, but she is too enamored with her MASSIVE BOWL OF CREAMY DISGUSTING PASTA to offer much in the way of advice.
However, in between mouthfuls of mush, she does manage to tell Will that he’s dreamy, and a catch, and should INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO EMMA’S PARENTS . . .
Wait . . . WHAT?!
Oh, no Will . . . no, no no! Just say NO! Hasn’t being on this show for three seasons taught you that 9 out of 10 parents on Glee (and on most teen shows, for that matter) are ASSHATS and weirdos?
(Kurt’s dad and stepmom, and Mike’s mom, so far, seem to be the only exceptions to this rule.)
But Will doesn’t listen to my screams at the television. And why should he? He’s a MORON! He’s stubborn.
“Moi?”
So, Will invites Emma’s parents to his house on a night when he and Emma are SUPPOSED to be having a Romantic Dinner. (Really Will? And you think this is going to HELP you get laid?) Emma is mortified, and pleads with Will to put an end to these shenanigans, ASAP. So, Will asks HER, “Are you ashamed of me?”
(She’s not, Will. BUT I AM!)
Emma then admits what most of us have probably known all along. Emma isn’t ashamed of Will at all. She’s ashamed of HER parents. And here’s why: One of them was on the show, Happy Days. They are . . . wait for it . . . GINGER SUPREMACISTS.
Huh?
I know weird right . . . of all the strange deviant things the writers could have come up with for Emma’s parents, THIS is what they choose? People who hate those who don’t have red hair? SERIOUSLY? Oh, and they are emotionally abusive too, which helps add some poignancy to the plotline but not much..
Well, they certainly LOOK evil . . .
All snarkery aside, when Emma’s mom, mocked Emma’s incessant silverware cleaning at the table, by calling her “Freaky Deaky,” and telling the rest of the table that she has a “case of the Cleanies,” you could tell just how much it tore Emma apart. Kudos to Jayma Mays for adding some real legitimacy and depth, to what could have been a REALLY ridiculous story, with her impressive acting ability. My heart really went out to Emma in this scene.
And Will too, creepy as he may be, most of the time won some major points from me for standing up to Emma’s parents, calling them out on their racism, and emotionally abusive treatment of their daughter. He also, more or less told them that Emma is a wonderful human being, OCD and all.
Later that night, Will finds Emma frantically rubbing her hands together compulsively before bed. It is clear that Emma’s recent run-in with the parental units has made her OCD that much worse. Will, of course, feels incredibly guilty (AS HE SHOULD!) And though not a particularly religious man, he kneels down to pray with Emma, when she admits that doing so gives her comfort at her most out of control moments.
WILL: “Dear Lord, please allow me to have sex again, before I’m old enough to require a little blue pill to help me get it up.”
And its a sweet, quiet scene . . . until Will starts singing Coldplay’s Fix You, which, though well intentioned, could be interpreted as a bit condescending, not to mention kind of contrary to the notion of Will loving Emma, exactly as she is.
I mean, yeah, Emma’s is clearly uncomfortable with her condition, and it prevents her from HAVING AWESOME SEX making the most of her life. But still, in light of what just happened, wouldn’t it have been nicer for Will to sing something a bit more comforting? I know, the Glee cast has already covered Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are.” But hey, Billy Joel sang a song with that title too!
Also, I never particularly cared for Will’s “falsetto voice.” The songs he sings on a lower register tend to be a bit less . . . how do I put this kindly . . . annoying. (For example, his renditions of “Tell Me Something Good,” and “Bust a Move,” remain some of my favorite Glee singles. His version of “Kiss” by Prince . . . not so much.) Other than that . . . um . . . GREAT SONG!
Meanwhile, back at school . . .
Divas Never Win (And Winners Never Diva)
“Remember when I used to be the most well-liked girl in Glee club . . . That was nice while it lasted.”
Mercedes new Bad Influence Boyfriend, Shane, has been Lady Macbeth-ing her to shun all her friends, in pursuit of the role of Maria in West Side Story. He puffs up Mercedes head with a lot of hot air, by telling her that the Glee club doesn’t appreciate her talents.
I couldn’t help but notice that both Mercedes and Bad Influence Boyfriend are eating tater tots in this scene. Ahhh . . . memories.
And that she is more like the part Beyonce played in Dreamgirls, even though she thinks of herself as the part Jennifer Hudson played. (Umm . . . Shane . . . wait . . . wasn’t Jennifer Hudson the STAR of Dreamgirls? Didn’t she WIN AN OSCAR FOR IT? And wasn’t her character supposed to be . . . THE BEST SINGER IN THE GROUP?)
I mean, I get it . . . Effie in dreamgirls was a character whose talent her producers and bandmates didn’t appreciate, due to her weight . . . but still, BAD ANALOGY SHANE! Oh, and maybe I’m stereotyping here. But somehow I have difficulty envisioning this big burly football player going all gaga over the musical version of a chick flick . . . Just sayin’
Anywhoo, Mercedes has been a bit under the weather lately. She is nauseous, weak, fatigued, and sore. (Thank the lord, Amber Riley confirmed that her character is not preggars, because I REALLY can’t handle another BABY TALE!) And because of this, she’s been a bit lax in her Glee practice and booty camp attendance.
So, of course, the increasingly screechy Will is quick to call her out on this fact at Booty Camp. (Why is Will telling off his students becoming a weekly event on this show?) If Mercedes expects to get support from her fellow Gleeks for her plight, she is sorely mistaken. The recently returned to New Directions’ Santana (Mr. Schue’s candidate for screeching in Episode 1), is quick to call Mercedes out on her “laziness,” and poor eating habits.
(Read Santana’s lips in this GIF. Doesn’t it kind of look like she’s telling Mercedes to f*&k off?)
Tired of being (what she considers) picked on by her friends and supposed mentor, and bolstered by Bad Influence Boyfriend, Mercedes chooses to sing the soulful song “Spotlight” for her Maria audition.
Her performance impresses all of the casting directors (Beiste, Emma and Artie) greatly. And so Mercedes begins to believe she may have a shot at being the Beyonce character in Dreamgirls, after all!
Torn between casting Rachel or Mercedes in the role of Maria, the casting directors decide to hold . . . you guessed it . . . a diva off to see which “Maria” is best for the part.
SURPRISE!
Feeling like she is destined to end up in the shadow of Rachel’s spotlight, once again, Mercedes acts out in Booty Camp class, when Will berates her for not being able to successfully perform the “Widowmaker” dance move. She accuses Will of playing favorites with Rachel, at the rest of the club’s expense.
Will is so outraged by this accusation that he offers Mercedes an ultimatum: “Shape up, or you are out of the Glee club for good.”
These harsh words inspire Mercedes to have . . . you guessed it . . . a Dreamgirls’ Dream Sequence, with Mercedes in the role of Effie, and the rest of the Glee Club members (sans Rachel), as . . . well . . . slightly meaner and more flashily dressed versions of themselves, I guess. The Dream Sequence — which is based on the scene in the movie, where Effie is kicked out of the Dreamgirls for her purportedly bad behavior, when, unbeknownst to everyone else in the group, she is only acting that way because she is pregnant — pretty much features the entire cast telling Mercedes off and ditching her ass to the tune of Dreamgirls‘ “It’s All Over.”
On the day of the Diva Off, a nervous Mercedes and Rachel stand at opposite ends of the stage, with their respective boyfriends waiting in the wings to offer them support. The song they both sing is “Out Here on My Own,” from Fame. And though the song is not necessarily my favorite, and sounds a bit too much like the recently performed “Spotlight,” for my taste, both contenders do an admirable job performing it, with Mercedes edging out Rachel ever-so-slightly, during the parts of the song that require belting.
“I am quite the belter . . .”
(In a way, this song was custom-made for Mercedes’ deep sultry voice, and enviably powerful pipes, thereby putting the softer, sweeter-voiced Rachel at a distinct disadvantage.)
Sorry! That’s just how I feel.
Rachel comes out of the audition, certain that she has lost the role to Mercedes. Fearing that not having the lead in the school play will make getting into that fancy New York performing arts school she covets, near impossible, Rachel impulsively vies for another after school activity to put on her resume . . . coincidentally . . . or not-so-coincidentally . . . it’s the same after-school activity for which Kurt is campaigning (who has recently graciously accepted his boyfriend’s decision to try out for the lead in the play as well, and is even surprisingly supportive of his decision).
Kurt is crushed that his bestie would betray him in this way Not to mention surprised. I mean, don’t you have to be POPULAR to win class president. Most of the school HATES Rachel!. And he is not exactly shy about telling her exactly how she feels, ” —-” Even Finn, who, himself is no stranger to selfish behavior, seems appalled by Rachel’s lack of sensitivity. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to vote for her! (And now she’s probably only going to get one vote . . . her own.)
Oops!
When it comes time to choose who gets to play Maria, the show’s casting directors (lamely) decide to cast BOTH women in the role, each person gets the part for a week. Though frustrating from a plot perspective, it seems like a fair deal for both girls, and Rachel, for her part, accepts the offer fairly readily. But NOT MERCEDES! Recognizing that she probably had the better audition (a point about which Rachel doesn’t necessarily disagree), Mercedes becomes convinced that the directors cast both girls, in order to protect Rachel’s feelings.
And so she THROWS A TEMPER TANTRUM, and quits the show ALTOGETHER . . .
. . . thereby giving Rachel the part by default.
Talk about shooting yourself in the foot! Or maybe not . . . toward the end of the episode, Mercedes approaches the director of the virtually singer-less (save the tone deaf, Sugar Motta) SECOND school Glee club, Shelby Corcoran, of being admitted into HER club, where, by default she will undoubtedly become it’s version of Rachel Berry.
The power-hungry Rachel then decides to continue to run for class president ANYWAY, despite the fact that she now has FULL reigns to the lead in the School Play, and a solid chance of getting into the ollege of her dreams, while her “friend” Kurt is still struggling to find HIS ticket to admission. (Yeah . . . she’s kind of a b*tch . . .)
“Ooh! You’re so BAD!”
And the part goes to . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we FINALLY get to see who got the parts in the West Side Story musical. And though, the results are not all that surprising (After all, for the most part, the only people we saw rehearse all got the parts for which they rehearsed), it was still uplifting to see the looks on those Gleeks faces when they learned their school play dreams had come true . . .
I loved seeing Kurt sweetly hug Blaine, upon seeing that he was rewarded the lead role of Tony. (Kurt ended up landing the part of Officer Krupke . . . not bad!)
And Santana’s adorable little understated (but obviously thrilled) smile, upon seeing that she got the part of Anita, was countered with a HUGE EMBRACE by an ecstatic Brittany. (Have I mentioned yet today how much I ADORE these two.)
(Remember when Blaine and Rachel drunk kissed last season, during the “Blame it On the Alcohol,” episode? Oh yeah! We are going to get some more of that!)
So, that was Glee, in a nutshell. I must say, I share many Gleeks admiration for this touching, and well-acted episode, which I feel truly harkened back to the show’s Season 1, heydey. Mercedes, Will, and Rachel kind of pissed me off, though . . .
“Et tu Recapper?”
Tune in next MONTH, when Quinn makes a play for Baby Beth, Puck makes a play for Shelby . . .
. . . and Mercedes and Santana shoot for ALTERNA-GLEE CLUB super-stardom. You can check out the trailer for the next episode, which is entitled “Pot O’Gold,” here:
So, my Gleekies, what did you think of “Asian F?” Was it all you hoped for in a Glee episode and more? Or did you find it to be a bit overhyped? Are you as much in love with Mike Chang (and his abs) as I am? Do you think Mercedes is a bigger diva than Rachel? And, perhaps least importantly, which Glee kid do you think Mr. Schue is going to freak out on in Episode 4?
Turn Offs: People who don’t worship me, plans that have gone awry, prohibition raids, Vampire Slayers with wooden bullets, Were Zombies
Turn Ons: World Domination, Eating People, Rippers, Blood, Destruction, Sharp-Dressed Men, Silly Hair, Stefan Salvatore
Greetings Fangbangers! This installment of The Vampire Diaries transported us to a different time and place than we have ever visited before in the series — namely, Chicago, during the 1920’s. It was an Age of Decadence and Excess in America. A time when it was just as illegal to drink a glass of wine, as it was to drink blood from someone’s neck, in public. And yet neither “law” was enforced particularly well . . . Not surprisingly, the 1920’s was a time when the underworld was ruled by criminals, witches, and, of course, vampires . . .
So fill your glass up to the brim with your lovers’ blood (Mmm . . . yummy!), and raise your glass high. Because my Lovelies, I daresay Klaus and the Ripper have arrived, which means its probably time to DIE . . .
(Special thanks, as always, go out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps, and the insolentgilbert tumblr for the majority of the fun little gifs you see here.)
“Damon . . . Can You Hear Me Now?”
The episode begins with Damon, looking sexy as ever, as he pours himself a bourbon breakfast of champions in his living room. The phone rings. It’s Katherine.
She appears to be calling Damon from a payphone, a strange archaic device I didn’t know still existed. She wonders whether everyone has missed her while she was gone. And Damon announces, “Nah, haven’t you heard? I’m head over heels in love with your doppelganger now. I am SOOOO over you that I don’t even remember your name. What letter does it start with, again?” that, truthfully, no one has really thought about her since she was gone.
“What are you wearing?”
Katherine undoubtedly seems a bit hurt by this revelation, but she brushes it off, instead, asking Damon why he hasn’t taken advantage of his current situation, by making a move on Elena in Stefan’s Ripper absence. (Ahh . .. Katherine, I always knew you were on Team Delena. Thanks for feeding some fire to the flame, here.) Damon brushes off the question, even though we KNOW he’s thinking about it (and will see a little evidence of that later).
Never one to beat around the bush, Katherine then reveals the REAL reason for her call, to give Damon information about Stefan’s whereabouts. Katherine correctly tells Damon that Stefan is in Chicago with Klaus, who is seeking out his old pal, the witch to try and figure out, why the heck his Hybrid Spell made nothing but loser zombie’s with shorter lifespans than fruit flies. She also reminds Damon, in a clever little spot of foreshadowing, that one doesn’t live on Earth for as many years as Klaus has, without developing SOME enemies.
It seems EVERYONE on this show is running from something, or someone . . .
This prompts Damon, of course, to wonder WHY Katherine is suddenly being so helpful, and possibly tailing Stefan. What’s in it for her?
Something always seems to be . . .
Katherine admits that she is “conflicted,” as to whether she wants to help rescue Stefan, and hangs up the phone before Damon can get any additional information about HER whereabouts, or how she knows what she knows.
“I came back for YOU, Stefan.”
Of course, my Kefan / Stetharine heart tells me that Katherine, whether she wants to admit it or not, is doing all this out of love for the younger Salvatore brother. But, of course, I’ve been proven wrong before on this show . . . . many times. So, who knows?
Meanwhile, in Chicago, Klaus is visiting one of his favorite watering holes, to talk to the resident witch there. He also secretly hopes that, since Damon used to frequent this bar, himself, back in the 1920’s, seeing the place again, might help to bring back his “Ripper” Roots . . .
Given the staunch Delena fan that I am, it should come as ABSOLUTELY no surprise to you that my absolute FAVORITE scene in this episode, was the one where a still-asleep Elena rolled over in bed, and smilingly cuddled into Damon’s chest, her small fist, clutching at the fabric of his shirt, as he stared down at her, mesmerized by her beauty and innocence.
*insert porn music here* Come on, Elena, RIP THAT PESKY SHIRT OFF THOSE DELICIOUS ABS. You can do it!
Of course, then she wakes up, and pretends to be pissed at her future boyfriend for (1) sneaking into her bedroom at 6 am, and (2) pulling such a fast one on her. (I told you he took Katherine’s advice to heart.) But that didn’t make what he did any more hilarious or adorable.
“You must have been dreaming about me. That would explain the drool,” Damon jokes, delivering his first of MANY great one liners in this episode.
While the bedroom cuddle scene served as a direct inverse to the one in which Elena coddled a dying Damon, in “As I Lay Dying” . . .
. . . the scene that followed — in which Damon explains to Elena, that Klaus and Stefan are in Chicago, and they need to leave ASAP, in order to find him, reminded me of “Children of the Damned,” back in Season 1. You know, the part where Damon barged into Stefan’s bedroom, where Stefan was clutching a post-coitus Elena, in order to tell the pair that it was time for the three of them to retrieve Katherine from the tomb.
“If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.”
The fact that Damon can now find Elena sleeping ALONE is telling of the future of this love triangle.
Elena, of course, wants to know what brings Stefan to the Windy City. “Well, he’s not there to visit Oprah,” Damon responds. (But honestly, wouldn’t it be kind of awesome if he was? I’ve always secretly suspected Oprah of being a vampire. I mean, how else would she be able to get everything done that she does? Clearly, she must not sleep.)
She also wants to know how Damon suddenly has this information. Not quite ready to reveal that he got it from Katherine, after all, Elena might get jealous, Damon takes the opportunity to deliver, yet another flirtatious zinger, “It came to me in a dream. I was naked, you would have loved it.”
Oohh Damon, we all would have loved your dream. But something tells me, Elena would have loved it, especially . . .
Anywhoo . . . more hilarity ensues, as Damon begins rifling through Elena’s underwear drawer (which was also something he seemed to enjoy doing very much, back in Season 1), and pulls out a sexy pair of lacy red underwear, ” Ohhh, put these in the yes, pile, he jokes.”
“Are these mine? I have a pair just like these at home.”
Meanwhile, somewhere in Downtown Chicago . . .
Vampire Road Trip – Part 26 (a.k.a. the “Wake up, and SMELL the Ripper, Elena,” World Tour)
We all know that when it comes to Elena, Denial, may very well be an alternate spelling for a River in Egypt, but it tends to run directly through Elena’s bedroom, where Stefan is concerned. And so, in order to prepare Elena for their next Sure to Fail (They always DO!) plan to save Stefan, he begins by offering her Stefan’s diary for a little “light” reading. (I hope she’s not one of those girls who get carsick.)
Stefan has girly handwriting.
It’s ONE book. And Stefan seems like the kind of guy who writes in his journal everyday, which makes me wonder if Stefan has an organizational format for how he keeps his diaries. I certainly wouldn’t put it past Mr. “I Rip Up Bodies” and Put Them Back Together, Because it’s Neat” . . .
Damon cracks me up, by launching into “Stefan” voice, as he reads to Elena about Stefan’s RIPPER RAGE blackouts, and how he wakes up in the morning with women he who he doesn’t recognize (I guess these sexual partners aren’t his victims, because . . . well, more on that later). Of course, you can count on Damon to comment about Stefan’s SEXUAL escapades to Elena, in order to dig the knife in just a little deeper . . .
Next stop Stefan’s old bachelor pad, which is a TOTAL dump, as Bachelor Pads tend to be. That being said, I kind of like the idea of Stefan as a Single Vampire, spending his time in this apartment, getting wasted on booze, eating chicks, and pouring out his heart and soul to his great big WALL Diary.
That’s right, boys and girls. Apparently, putting his Humpty Dumpty victims back together again, isn’t Stefan’s only serial killer trademark, he also WRITES THE VICTIMS NAMES ON A WALL so that he can remember all the kills.
You know, because Stefan isn’t a “Wham Bam, thanks for being lunch kind of guy,” unlike when he f*&ks you, if Stefan EATS you, you can be damn sure, that he will ask your name first. I just wonder, how he does this, if he claims to black out, and continuously “lose time,” when he kills, just saying.
Elena huffily wonders what DAMON was doing back in the 1920’s, that he can be so judgy of Saint Serial Killer Stefan. She suggests snarkily that he helped pave the way for Women’s Lib. And I actually think that’s TRUE, just not necessarily in the way Elena envisioned it, if you catch my drift . . . 😉
Damon informs Elena that Stefan was a “Cocky Ripper Douche,” (another great phrase to print on a t-shirt, by the way), who Damon had no trouble avoiding while HE traversed the windy city, pretending to be a character in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel . . .
I also can’t help but wonder how NO ONE HAS EVER thought to search Stefan’s APARTMENT, particularly, when all the high school coeds started dying in his neighborhood. I mean, think about it, this could have been the start of the shortest Law and Order, SVU episode EVER!
“Amateur!”
Another thing I thought about, when I saw the Not-So-Secret Wall of Weird, was that DAMON had one just like it, back when he was tracking Stefan in “The Birthday.” I’m starting to think Wall Fetishes is a Salvatore genetic trait . . . after all, they do both seem to like WALL SLAMS . . .
(For those keeping score, remember the secret compartment containing the Wall of Weird in Stefan’s apartment, because it’s going to come in real handy later.)
A lot of people (myself included) have begun to get frustrated with Elena these past few episodes, due to her seeming total denial of Stefan’s Ripper Self, and the seeming double standard she holds for both the brothers.
“Are you REALLY going to bring that up again? Do you have any idea what kind of episode I’ve had?”
Having given this more thought, I think we can attribute this, at least, somewhat to the Jekyll and Hyde aspect of Stefan’s Ripperism. While Damon tends to be an all or nothing, show all your cards, kind of ruthless vampire, Stefan exhibits a complete separation of those two parts of himself, partly so that he HIMSELF, can remain in denial of whichever one he currently ISN’T.
This allows Elena to discount how evil Ripper Stefan is, because, as far as SHE is concerned, Ripper Stefan is just some other guy who inhabits Stefan’s body on occasion. He’s not her actual boyfriend. Convenient, isn’t it? Fortunately, by the end of this episode, Elena will be forced to recognize that Ripper Stefan and Boyfriend Stefan ARE in fact just two sides of the same person . . .
Anywhoo, Damon (WHO I LOVE) certainly doesn’t win any intelligence points this week when he (1) leaves Elena alone in Stefan’s apartment, while he searches for clues, knowing that there’s a good chance Klaus and Stefan might return there to get something; (2) tells Elena to come up with a plan on how to Save Stefan, when Elena’s plans always seem to involve (A) failing miserably and (B) almost getting everyone involved KILLED.
But, hey, we get it Damon, love can blind you to the obvious . . .
Speaking of love . . . or a SUBSTANTIAL LACK THEREOF . . .
Here Comes the Sun (and it’s NOT all right with me) . . .
“Ummm . . . you know, vampire still DO go to the bathroom. So, I hope you have a chamber pot somewhere in this dungeon of yours . . .”
When we last left our favorite Vampire Barbie, she was shackled to a chair, in a strange, underground dungeon, and coming to grips with the fact that her OWN FATHER put her there! To be honest, I haven’t decided yet whether the EEEEEVVVVIL Papa Forbes is one of those Wackadoo Religious Zealots, or if he’s just a TOTAL moron.
“Listen, can we hurry this behavioral modification thing up? I’ve got a date to see the new Jennifer Aniston movie, in about twenty minutes.”
Because, SERIOUSLY, what kind of idiot thinks that vampirism can be cured through torture methods and behavioral modification techniques?
Oh, and when Papa Forbes told Caroline that he wanted to “Fix Her,” did anybody else, aside from me, hear that Coldplay song in their heads? Anybody? Anybody?
I guess not . . .
Speaking of fixing, I know the “vampires are like homosexuals with different eating habits,” concept has always been more of True Blood’s fortay than The Vampire Diaries, but I couldn’t help but get a whiff of it, when Papa Forbes’ notoriously GAY daddy, was trying out his Blood Aversion techniques on his daughter. Have you guys ever seen the movie “But I Am a Cheerleader?” Just sayin?
Hypocrite much, Daddy-o?
Sure, there are plenty of vampires out there who feed on humans, because it’s fun to play with your food. But, when it comes down to it, vampires drink blood because they NEED IT TO LIVE. They are bloodivores.
“I’m not a DOG, daddy! I’m not going to PLAY FETCH with you like all your loser boyfriends do.”
And if they don’t feed, eventually they will weaken, dessicate, and quite possibly, DIE! So, Papa F (short for F*&KER’S) little “game” of pouring sun down on a ring-less Caroline’s head for minutes at a time, and then shoving a blood bag in her face, to see if it turned vampy, did NOTHING to curb her cravings, all it did was PISS HER OFF.
“This isn’t what I meant, when I said I’ve always dreamed of being in the spotlight . . . or what I meant when I said I wanted a tan.”
And trust me, Daddy Dearest, if that was any OTHER vampire, aside from the calm and NON VIOLENT Caroline, he or she would have EATEN YOUR FACE so fast, it would have made your chewed up head fall off. Now, THAT would have been good television!
Aside from the fact that this WAS her own father doing this to her, part of what made this scene so emotional was how docile Vampire Caroline was the WHOLE time it was happening. It was almost as if she was accepting and understanding why her father was doing this to her, which was so sad, and so wrong, on so many levels. She kept tearfully apologizing to her dad for NO GOOD REASON . . .
She was also pleading with him . . . explaining to him that he cannot fix her, and doesn’t NEED to fix her, in between bouts of excruciatingly painful sun exposure.
Kudos to Candice Accola for pulling off such a mixture of fear, frustration, angst, and depression, in these undoubtedly extremely difficult scenes to shoot.
As bad as things got for Caroline, she needn’t have worried, little did she know that just as she was entering her darkest hour, her soon-to-be boyfriend was busy rallying the troops, bravely confronting Lizard Lizard Liza . . . dammit . . . I can’t call her that anymore, in light of how this episode went down!
I literally raised my first in triumph, when Papa Forbes emerged from Caroline’s dungeon at night fall, only to find himself staring down the barrel of his ex-wife’s gun. “She’s our daughter,” Liz explains. (I’m glad SOMEBODY noticed). “Let’s not do this . . . not because she’s our daughter, but because we love her.”
Liz promptly disarmed Bill, by shooting him, I believe in the leg. Then out popped the red-shirted Tyler, who at Liz’s prompting used his werewolf-strength to easily break down the dungeon door, rush in, and break apart the shackles confining Caroline’s hands and feet. And we all know how much Caroline and Tyler like S&M right?
Too soon?
Caroline is so weak from having spent the entire emotional day in a room where vervain seeps through the walls, and don’t even get me started on the whole SUN THING. And so, she barely registers Tyler’s rescue of her at first, except to call out his name.
“We really have to stop meeting like this.”
That said, there’s this really adorable moment, where Tyler is about to lift up Caroline to carry her out of the dungeon, and she instructs him to recollect her sunscreen ring, which her father had thrown across the room. This puts Tyler in the position of having to KNEEL before a seated Caroline, and slide the Sunscreen Ring on her finger. A goofy embarrassed look is exchanged between these two new lovers, upon realizing what they have done. But then Tyler snaps out of it, carefully scoops up the wounded Caroline, and delicately carries her back OVER the threshhold toward the comforts of home . . .
Talk about deja vu! Once again, we have a depressed Caroline, recovering from a day of vampire-directed torture.(Girlfriend NEEDS a self-defense class, stat!) Last time this happened, Caroline had Stefan and her girlfriends to help her cope with the pain. This time, her mother is there, sitting on the edge of her bed, and feeding her a blood bag to help her regain her strength. OK . . . so Lizard (I’m going to use it here. But only for this one sentence) loses MAJOR points in my book for trying to justify her ex-husband’s painfully abusive actions to his having been “raised that way,” i.e. to believe vampires are evil.
Aside from the fact that violence toward your kid, should NEVER be condoned, no matter what. I find it confusing that, assuming both Lizard, Carol and Bill were raised to believe that vampires were monsters who POSSESSED human bodies, once the REAL human soul died, what made Bill think he could HELP CURE Caroline in the first place? It just doesn’t make sense. Nevermind the fact that Caroline’s non-violent actions in this awful situation were proof positive that she does not pose a danger to Mystic Falls . . .
At least Liz fesses up to her own formerly murderous feelings toward her daughter here, noting that Caroline taught her an entirely new way to view vampires, and that, one day, her father would come around to this way of thinking as well . . . hopefully . .
Speaking of danger, Liz (see?) gets back in my good graces, by letting Tyler visit Caroline alone in her bedroom, despite the fact that its quite obvious from looking at these two, that they have had sex together. I love Tyler’s facial expression as he enters the room. It’s a perfect mixture of sadness, upon seeing Caroline’s depression and pain, up close, relief at her safety, and pure unadulterated love. Kudos to him for lightening up a dark moment (and taking the words right out of our mouth), by teasing Caroline for the Walk of Shame that, when you think about it, got her into this mess to begin with.
“Would now be a good time to give you crap about sneaking out on me, yesterday morning?” He snarks cutely, before crawling into her bed, and cradling her as she finally allows her true emotions to come to the surface, an aspect of the Forwood relationship I’ve enjoyed since the Coed Naked Couch Cuddle, back in the Season 2 finale.
As Tyler hugs Caroline close, and runs his fingers through her hair, Caroline cries, “My father hates me.” (Oh man, did I start bawling during this scene.)
Tyler, who, himself, is no stranger to paternal abuse, doesn’t say anything in response to this comment. He doesn’t need to. Instead he just continues to hold Caroline . . . silently reminding her that she is not alone. And that HE will continue to stick by her, no matter what.
All together now . . . “Awwwwww.” Meanwhile, in other “couples, news . . .”
Klaus and Stefan . . . The RED Hot Love Affair Begins . . .
Over at the bar called Gloria’s a witch (NOT A VAMPIRE), who was a alive in the 1920’s, and is miraculously no older than 40 today . . . you know . . . because of a crapload of plastic surgery spells and stuff, tells Klaus that the only way he can figure out what went wrong in his little Hybrid spell is to “contact” the ORIGINAL WITCH who cursed him in the first place. Fortunately (well . . . actually UNFORTUNATELY, since we all already have a pretty good idea as to why the spell didn’t work), Gloria agrees to help Klaus contact the “Original Witch,” provided Klaus get her The Necklace, last seen around “Rebekah’s” neck.
“Rebekah’s a little preoccupied,” Klaus notes causually, in, what we learn later, will be the understatement of the century.
Meanwhile, Stefan is making drinkings behind the bar, when he finds a picture of himself in 1920, with his arm around his current boyfriend Klaus, who he doesn’t remember meeting before Season 2. Well, isn’t that weird . . . (Then again, as we learned from Stefan’s diary, heDID have a habit of not asking the names of his sexual conquests.)
Perhaps, he should have kept a separate Sex List on his Wall of Weird, so that he could relive THESE experiences as well . . .
Uh oh . . . I sense a FLASHBACK coming on . . .
We’re in the 1920’s now. And I have to say that the production values on this episode are rather impressive, especially considering that all of it was done on a CW budget, as opposed to say a Boardwalk Empire one . . .
Stefan’s snacking on a flapper chick in the backseat of a car, and manages to take her rose as a souvenir before entering Gloria’s bar.
“Was it as good for you, as it was for me? ANSWER ME! Oh . .. wait . . . nevermind.”
Apparently, Gloria not only makes a mean blood cocktail for the vampires who frequent her establishment, she also, apparently sings. This, of course, is a slightly younger version of the Gloria we meet in present day. Most notably, she lacks the Sinead O’Connor haircut, and take-no-sh*t attitude of her 21st century counterpart.
“Eat your heart out Beyonce . . . whoever the hell that is.”
Anywhoo . . . Stefan apparently rules this bar, like its his dominion. (I suspect he might even sleep here on occasion, since his apartment is such a dump.) Gloria even stops her singing to say hello to the Cocky Ripper Douche, who seems, in the 1920’s at least, to be acting a bit like . . . well . . . like Damon.
Love is in the air at Gloria’s and Stefan literally walks into an attractive blonde, who in alternate universes was known for both being a mermaid, and one of Emily’s MANY lesbian girlfriends on PLL. The attraction is obvious and immediate, most notably because this woman is a vampire. Her face gets all veiny, as she smells Dead Lady on Stefan’s breath, and you just KNOW it turns her on.
“I love the smell of chewed intestines in the morning.”
As most spectacular relationships on this show do *cough Delena cough,* Stefan’s and Rebekah’s (yes, that’s her name), and even Stefan’s and Klaus’ (as we will see in just a bit) begin with flirtatious love/hate banter. We see Rebekah bitching at Stefan and his buddies for being TOO LOUD in the bar. (Really, Rebekah? How prissy ARE YOU?) She also refuses to tell the Cocky Ripper Douche her name, until he EARNS it.
Wanna know how he earns it, by eating off the same PLATE as Rebekah. And by “same plate,” I actually mean THIS . . .
That’s right, Fangbangers, you’ve heard of Public Displays of Affection, but Public Displays of Cannibalism take romance to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL apparently . . .
We notice immediately that Rebekah appears to be wearing the prized vervain necklace that Elena is perpetually losing so that Damon can sexily put it back on her neck . . .
At first, I thought it was SUPER CREEPY that Stefan gave his OLD girlfriend’s prized necklace to his NEW girlfriend, no matter how many decades apart they were. (Then again, this is the guy who dates two women who SHARE THE SAME FACE. So, what do you expect?) However, later we will learn that Stefan’s accumulation of that necklace is much more innocent than one would initially think.
Oh, and did I mention that Elena’s necklace has MAGICAL POWERS and that all these witches and original vampires want it back for some reason? I didn’t? Well . . . consider it mentioned. Man, if Elena wasn’t in trouble before . . . She’s sure up Sh*t’s Creek, without a paddle now.
Anywhoo . . . now that Stefan and Rebekah are in luuuuuuuuuve, it’s time for Stefan to meet The Family, or, more accurately, the BROTHER.
Yep . . . Rebekah just so happens to be Klaus’ little sister . . . an ORIGINAL. And so, now we’ve met three members of the Original family . . . possibly four . . . but more on that later. Klaus is sizing up Stefan and he CLEARLY HAS A BIG GAY CRUSH ON HIM ALREADY AND IS TOTALLY JEALOUS OF HIS SISTER FOR SNAGGING SUCH A HOTTIE isn’t sure he likes what he sees . . .
“You are right, Little Sister, he does have funny hair,” Klaus remarks, which is TOTALLY true, by the way.
Ahh, see, I’m going to keep calling him Klaus, for the rest of this recap for ease of reference. However, have you noticed that Klaus seems to change his name every century or so? Back in 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue everyone referred to Klaus as the Lord Nicklaus (pronounced NEE-KLAUS). In present day, he’s just plain, “Klaus.” And, in the 1920’s, he appears to be “Nick.”
Talk about an identity crisis? Who the hell are you, DUDE? No wonder Klaus and Stefan get along so well, they both have Multiple Personality Disorder . . .
But, I digress . . .
During a dinner table conversation, we learn some interesting tidbits about Klaus’ Big Happy Coffin family. I for one, had always assumed that Klaus was the Black Sheep of the family, due to his “illegitamate child” status, and that he drags his brothers and sisters coffins around with him, as a big ole F*&k You to them for rejecting him. But according to Rebekah and Klaus, this isn’t the case. Apparently, there was some in-fighting among the Originals Family (possibly, about whether Klaus should break the curse, and become a hybrid?). Those who sided with Klaus (like Elijah, and apparently, Rebekah, got to live a little bit longer, and those who didn’t were immediately staked.
Interesting . . .
Back at the interrogation, Klaus wonders what so sexy about Stefan that he deems himself worthy to date an Original. Though he’s probably hoping Stefan will take this as an opportunity to give him and “Beks” a lap dance at the table, Stefan, instead, does something ruthless. He compels a couple over to his table, and forces the male of the couple to drink the female’s blood for fun, before ultimately killing him, and, quite possibly, her too.
This, apparently, gives Klaus such a big boner that he immediately wants Stefan for a lover brother-in-law.
You know what else makes Klaus want Stefan as part of his family? Well, for all his cocky doucheness, Stefan just so happens to be a SPECTACULAR kiss ass. We see him and Klaus, all buddy/ buddy at the bar table, as Klaus confides in him about how his family all wanted him dead. “They just don’t want you to be who you are . . . a KING,” slurs Stefan, the brown dripping off his nose, as he speaks.
Feeling bolstered by the compliments, and generous, Klaus takes this opportunity to give Stefan some brotherly advice about dating his sister (which, actually is creepy, on a whole lot of levels). Klaus basically tells Stefan that eventually Rebekah always leaves her boyfriends, so he shouldn’t get to attached . . . you know . . . “Chicks, man!”
Once again, we get an inkling that Klaus once had his heart broken by a woman, possibly, the Original Doppelganger, Charlotte Petrova.
Back in present day, Klaus shows Stefan Rebekah’s corpse, and he STILL doesn’t remember this woman, who he supposedly loved so deeply, back in the day. He also doesn’t remember being such butt-buddies with Klaus, “Why do I only know you as the Hybrid Dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on a Ring of Fire?” Stefan inquires, as the two have drinks later in the day . . .
Well, there’s more to the flashback, of course . . .
Back in the 1920’s there was a Prohibition-Fueled RAID on Gloria’s bar. Gunshots ripped through the place . . . but the bullets in those guns were WOODEN. This causes Klaus and Beks to realize that they’ve been found . . . but by WHO? Who the heck would be powerful enough to cause TWO supposedly invincible Original Vampires to run scared? Is this just a vampire slayer, or is it, an ORIGINAL Vampire Slayer? Like . . . say . . . Klaus and Rebekah’s FATHER? Of course, I’m just speculating here . . .
Whoever it is . . . Klaus decides that he and Rebekah should not just LEAVE the bar, they should skip town completely. At some point during the melee, Klaus finds Stefan and sadly compels him to forget ever knowing him and Beks (A-HA!) “I’d forgotten what it was like to have a brother,” he says sweetly, before finishing the job.
(But WAIT . . . what about ELIJAH? Wasn’t he around during this time? I’m confused . . .)
Stefan’s compulsion aside, when the time comes for Klaus and Beks to go, Rebekah refuses, claiming that she wants to stay with STEFAN. (Seriously, this guy must have the BIGGEST WEINER EVER? How else does he keep getting EVERY SINGLE GIRL, even vicious vampires like Katherine and Beks to drop everything for him?)
“I’M HUGE!”
Klaus doesn’t take too kindly to this, and stakes her with that White Oak Ash Dagger, that’s starting to seem less and less RARE the further we get into the story.
Well, THIS picture looks a little incest-y.
Moments later, Stefan is in a now empty bar, where he picks up Beks necklace, which calls to him somehow, even though he no longer has any memory of its wearer. And THAT’S how ELENA got her vervain necklace.
So, remember how Katherine said that she used to stalk Stefan throughout the decades? Well, we see her here, in the shadows, wearing what looks like DAMON’S hair, undoubtedly jealous of the woman who briefly stole Stefan’s heart from her . . .
But wait . . . there’s more to this flashback. SOMEONE comes to Stefan, and shows him pictures of Klaus and Rebekah, asking for information as to their whereabouts. Fortunately, for Stefan, he can now truthfully be of no help to this man. But, clearly, THIS guy is pretty scary, if KLAUS is afraid of him. He may even be the reason Klaus wants to build a hybrid army to begin with . . .
Stefan questions Klaus about this Mystery Man, but Klaus is all moody, and doesn’t want to talk. “Storytime’s over,” he says.
He then de-stakes Rebecca, compels the guard to tell her to meet him at Glorias, when she wakes up, and to allow her to feed on him, until he dies. Such a generous Big Bro! That Klaus!
Meanwhile, in present day . . .
Klaus Temporarily Loses His Vampire Sense of Smell, and it Saves Elena’s Life
Here’s some irony for you. Or, perhaps, it’s just another example of how TERRIBLE Damon and Elena are at Rescue Plans. So, Damon arrives at Gloria’s about the time that Stefan and Klaus, head back to STEFAN’S OLD APARTMENT, where ELENA is, so that Kaus can give Stefan the same Magical Memory Tour Damon gave Elena earlier in the episode.
STEFAN: “I didn’t realize you and I were close enough, back in the day that I would invite you back to my room.”
KLAUS: *whistles uncomfortably*
So, while Gloria flirts with Damon, “I always liked you better,” she tells him . . . (AT LEAST SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW DOES! I mean, seriously, look at him! What is wrong with these women?) . . . Elena sits on Stefan’s bed (where undoubtedly, 1,000s of women died / and or got laid) reading in Stefan’s diary about how Lexie pulled Stefan back from Ripperdom in the 30’s.
This makes her hopeful . . . but the language in Stefan’s diary makes ME a little nauseous. “Lexie taught me how to LAUGH again.” GAG!
Fortunately, this installment of Deep Thoughts with Non-Ripper Stefan is interrupted by the arrival of Klaus and Ripper Stefan at Stefan’s old place. And, of course, you guessed it, Klaus wants Stefan to see his Wall of Weird. And, you guessed it again, that’s exactly where ELENA is hiding!
“It’s not an episode of TVD, if my life isn’t in danger at least once per episode, right? It’s a good thing I’m the star, otherwise, I’d be crapping in my pants here . . .”
Now, we all know how SCREWED Elena is, if Klaus finds out that her LIVING is the reason that Klaus can’t convert his hybrid army, right?
“Pssst . . . get rid of the old guy, and you and I can have a quickly up against your Murder Victim List. Now THAT would be hot.”
So, we all hold our breaths, as Stefan locks eyes with Elena, and the two of them share a MOMENT. Meanwhile, Klaus is . . . I don’t know jerking off . . . or doing something else plot convenient, so that he doesn’t find Elena YET . . . Then Stefan, calls to Klaus, and says, “Look what I found,” and that’s the moment I want to REACH INTO THE TELEVISION AND RING HIS RIPPER NECK!
But not to worry, he was just talking about booze. Stefan let Elena live. There’s still some humanity left inside him . . . for a few more minutes, anyway. 😉
The Grand (but once again ineffective) Plan
When Damon finally arrives home, Elena rightfully gives him some grief for leaving her alone in Stefan’s apartment, and almost getting her killed AGAIN by Klaus. In Damon’s defense, he does seem to feel incredibly guilty about this. But there isn’t really any time to discuss how this makes both of them “feel.” After all, they have a Freaking Hungry Ripper to catch!
Elena’s Grand Plan is remarkably similar to the one she and Damon enacted, back in Season 1’s “Blood Brothers,” and it worked back then, surprisingly enough. Elena will get Stefan alone, vervain stake him, and bring him back home. Of course, unlike last time, there’s a new Wild Card in this situation, and his name starts with a “K” and ends with a “laus.”
That’s right! Damon has to distract Klaus, while Elena is busy doing her thing with Stefan, and . . . you know . . . not get killed. So, Elena puts on a sexy purple dress she packed for the occasion, and the two head to Gloria’s, since Gloria said Klaus and Stefan would be returning there that night.
Klaus and Stefan are sitting together at the bar, when Damon appears, and motions for Stefan to come chat with him. Stefan gets away from Klaus, by saying he needs to drink a human. Once outside, the Salvatore Brothers engage in their usual family greeting, a Wall Slam. Once again, Stefan repeats what has become his Broken Record Monologue of “Damon stop following me. You need to protect Elena, blah, blah, blah.”
“You are the biggest COCKBLOCK ever, and most of the time you aren’t even in the same STATE I’m in. How do you MANAGE to you manage to do that?”
Except this time he actually EXPLAINS TO HIM the whole Hybrid business, and why it’s extremely important that Klaus not know that Elena has foiled his 500 years in the making, plan.
That’s what we’d like to know . . .
Then Damon leaves Stefan to chat with Elena, while he goes inside to distract Klaus.
Stefan Abjures Elena, Damon Develops a Distaste for Girly Alcohol Drinks with Umbrellas in Them
Inside the bar, Klaus cleverly remarks that Gloria’s has opened the doors to all the Riff-Raff. To this, Damon smirks his trademark smile, does his Eye Thing for Klaus, and tells him that he’s been called much worse. Klaus is clearly getting annoyed with Damon for not leaving him to play with his new Surrogate Brother / Playtoy Stefan. But Damon just wants his brother back.
DAMON: “I know you LOVE Stefan. And that it’s always going to BE Stefan. But don’t you find me the least bit attractive?”
Klaus than remarks that Damon seems to have some sort of a Death Wish (which is totally TRUE by the way), before grabbing him by his neck and raising him off the ground. Klaus then proceeds to prod Damon with those cute little umbrellas bars put in Margaritas and Pina Coladas. The problem, of course, is that THESE umbrellas are tipped with vervain, and they hurt like a B*TCH!
Despite being in pain, Damon continues to work his angle, offering Klaus to take him as sex slave wing man instead, since he is so much more fun than his brother. Normally, I’d concur with this statement. But since I NEED more alone time between Damon and Elena in my life, I’d have to say NOOOOOOOOOOOO to this suggestion of Damon’s. Klaus then remarks that by the time he’s through with Stefan, Stefan will NEVER want to return to his own life. And, as viewers, we can’t help but wonder whether Klaus might have a point there . . .
“Bibbity Bobbity BOO!”
Then Klaus moves on from umbrella stick torture to WOODEN STAKE MADE FROM A CHAIR TORTURE, which, if successful could mean the END OF DAMON . . . and I’m not just talking about an Originals Taking a Nap Type End. I’m talking about the REAL DEAL. Fortunately, our Witch Woman Gloria is there to save Damon from certain death . .. not really because she cares about him all that much, but simply because she doesn’t want to get blood on her recently washed bar floors . . .
Meanwhile, outside, Elena has what at least BEGINS as a heartfelt reunion with Stefan. ‘You shouldn’t be here,” he says.
“Where else would I be?” She inquires.
“You smell different. In fact, you smell like Klaus. Have you been cheating on me? I really hope not. I can take your killing thousands of innocent people, while we’re separated, but not your having sex with some dude.”
Then she rushes to hug him, and he lets her. For a few moments, they share a gentle embrace, until we see he vervain needle in Elena’s hand. It’s poised on Stefan’s back. You ever hear the phrase, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” Well, Stefan isn’t about to play the fool here. So, he grabs Elena’s hand, which is carrying the dart, and twists it so hard he nearly breaks it.
And it’s a BIG DEAL, because it’s the first time Stefan has lashed out at Elena, while being “in control.” Though he lunged at her in “Blood Brothers,” that was more out of bloodlust than anything else. This was calculated to SCARE Elena, and it did, but probably not as much as Stefan had hoped.
So, Stefan is forced to be completely honest with Elena, forcing her to hear the things she’s been denying all this time. He tells her about the bodies he’s left across the East Coast.
It’s nice sometimes . . . being remembered.
He tells her how last time he fell off the wagon like this, it took him THIRTY YEARS to get back onto it . . . roughly half Elena’s life. And then, he DUMPS HER, in a practiced way that reminded me a heck of a lot of the WEREWOLF ABJURE we saw in this Season’s True Blood. Fans of that show can corroborate that for me, I think.
“It’s done,” he says. “That part of my life is done. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to be with you. I just want you to go.”
And then Stefan walks away, leaving a tearful Elena to FINALLY face the fact that her first true love may be gone forever.
Poor Damon and Elena. They both look pretty beaten up, both physically and emotionally, by the time they get back in their car, and prepare to head back home. Damon might have imagined this day in his head, in the past, and thought he would be elated to have a REAL SHOT at romantic bliss. But now, he just seems sad that the woman he loves more than life itself is in so very much pain. “Are you OK?” He asks Elena, knowing, of course, that the answer is definitely no.
“Just drive,” says Elena stoically, the firm tenor of her voice, belying the tears in her eyes.
And so, Damon does . . .
Back, inside Gloria’s . . .
“Oh, so THAT’S REBEKAH! Now, I remember! I think I’ll turn full on EVIL now, thank you very much . . .”
“I just had the strangest dream. And you were there . . . and you . . .”
While Stefan is abjuring Elena, Klaus enters the room where Rebekah’s coffin was to find it empty, and the security guard dead. Then Rebekah jumps out of nowhere, and surprises Klaus by stabbing HIM with the White Oak Dagger, which would be REALLY COOL and shocking, except for the fact that he’s IMMUNE to it now, being a Big Bad Hybrid and all.
“You knew it wouldn’t kill me,” remarks Klaus.
“I just thought it would hurt more,” responds Rebekah petulantly, like brother, like sister, I guess.
Then Stefan arrives, and Klaus compels him to remember both his love for Rebekah, and his friendship / gay love brotherhood with Klaus. Stefan’s eyes get all twinkly and starry eyed, and you can tell a MAJOR change has taken place within him.
That there is SOME POWERFUL COMPULSION.
Now, comes the funny part. Just like a big brother, Klaus asks Rebekah where her necklace is, and scolds her for losing it before he, you know, KILLED HER and stuff. Then Stefan remembers EXACTLY where the necklace is. And we can just hope that he’s not far gone enough to sell out his ex-girlfriend . . .
Back at home Katherine and Damon have another flirty phone conversation, where Damon tries to guess where she is, and Katherine doesn’t tell him. At the end of the episode, we find out exactly where she is and its totally expected shocking. She’s in CHICAGO, just like her Boy Toy Stefan, of course.
The question IS . . . what exactly is she planning to do there?
I guess we will have to tune in next week to find out. So, tell me, what did you think of Cocky Ripper Douche Stefan, his girlfriend Original Rebekah, Hybrid Dick Klaus, and their wild and wonderful journey to the Ripping Twenties? How about Delena’s morning after bedroom cuddle? And Tyler’s rescue / wedding foreshadowing scenes with Caroline? Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.
Until next time . . .
Oh, and P.S.,, here’s the promo for next week’s episode, “Disturbing Behavior,” and I have just one thing to say about it, well, THREE actually (1) Bondage Stefan returns; (2) GO Team Kefan; and, of course, (3) What is wrong with YOU, Elena? Give the poor guy a break and have sex with him already.
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