Hola, my Pretties! And welcome back to Rosewood, a town where everybody knows your nAme, and nobody ever uses a lowercase “A”. . .
“Is this a bad time?” Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.
I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”
And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time. For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA. There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .
There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.
Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby. I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.
Oh, and Aria? There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .
Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me. Like This Guy . . .
Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?
Grand Theft Toby
It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.
This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.
In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude! You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .
You weren’t really planning on using that Big Toe, anyway, were you, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude?
“Please stick a fork in my neck”
It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls. Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much. Sound over protective? Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .
Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast. No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life! I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .
All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died. For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .
His shirts are also way too tight.
But that’s not all. The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government. And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!
Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?
Talk about history!
Is it any wonder Aria is talking about gouging herself with eating utensils?
Speaking of Bad Days . . .
MOOOOOOve over Mona !
True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain. It was slimy, and smelled bad. Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.
Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.
“Is that a brain?” Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.
Good call, Hanna! I thought it was a cupcake!
Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all. Maybe nobody will notice! Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!
But Mona will not go quietly. Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.
“What’s the matter? Never seen a brainy girl before?”
In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .
After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway. Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily. Poor Lucas! It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!
Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this? I miss that!
Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident. It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.
Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:
Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera? Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.
But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night. You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail? Good times.
She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop. You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews! Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there. “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.
Poor Lucas. He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team. He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards. Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her. I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .
Meanwhile, outside the school . . .
Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors
Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain? It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.
And you would think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES. But nope! B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.
“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.
You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades. They come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .
Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.
Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask! I missed you . . .
Again, who the heck runs security at this school? It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!
No offense, Fitzy . . .
And Aria’s mom . . .
I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor, and try to hide, when they are almost discovered. Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .
I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence. Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .
Hit me with a baby one more time . . .
Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.
Ruh ROH! I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all. Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it. (I don’t know. That seems like kind of a waste to me. Those gift bags are expensive!)
Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy. After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .
Hot Tub Time Machine
Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple? When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?
Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run. And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders. The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.
Thanks a lot, writers!
That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian. Talk about sleeping with the enemy!
Pretty Little Cheaters
As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props. Did they ever finish the race? Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line? Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this! And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!
Now that’s just rude!
That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons. Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission. Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.
And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty. But more on that, in just a bit . . .
Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface . . . oh, wait, we already knew that?
This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room. (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)
We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.
Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old. He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!
You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad? Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event. (That’s right. It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary. The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen! HILARIOUS. Too bad she survived.)
Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you . . .
Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen. I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up. Better luck next time . . .
Speaking of Skeevy . . .
Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together. (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?) She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy. Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.
Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along? Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween? Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?
Tune in next week to find out . . .
And finally . . .
In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker. (That’s funny. I was certain she put that in herself?)
This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show. Be afraid, Teens! Be very afraid . . .
Until next time, my Pretties!
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