Though it may have been ever-so-slightly overshadowed by a certain other Netflix series whose name may or may not rhyme with Shmilmore Shmirls, November 25th brought with it the debut of 3%, an eight-episode Brazilian series that may not be quite as innovative as it believes itself to be but that doesn’t make it any less engaging or timely.
Imagine a world where the economic elite build a wall to keep out the lower economic classes, and then take it one step further, by putting an entire island’s length between a small percentage of rich privileged folks, and the poor underprivileged masses who make up the societal majority. Crazy, right? Unfortunately, not in this day and age.
At first blush (and second, and third), 3% is a dystopian young adult fantasy, the likes of which you’ve seen before in countless successful novel trilogies and films. The premise is simple: at some point in the not-so-distant future, society alters itself in some way that it believes will increase the peace among the people. So, a group of young attractive folks of varied social backgrounds and dubious moral compositions, must compete with one another, to prove they are worthy of living in the upper echelons of this new society.
What’s refreshing (albeit, a bit frightening) about 3%’s view of future dystopian society, is that, unlike some of its predecessor’s visions (A society based on individuals’ possession of singular random personality traits? HUH? A society based on the fact that rich people, with terrible taste in clothing, get their kicks out of watching poor teenagers murder one another? WHAT?), this series’ premise actually seems fairly plausible.
In short, this is a future society based, at least ostensibly, solely on merit. Every year, all the 20 year olds in the poor part of the world (“the Inland”) compete with one another in a series of mental, physical, psychological, emotional, and team-building tests known as “the Process.” Those who score in the top three percent on those tests get to join the world of the elite on an island referred to as “the Offshore.”
I even liked how the tests involved in “the Process” actually required some intelligence, leadership, and cooperative thinking, and weren’t just about people beating the crap out of one another . . .
This is not to say that I think the fictional society created in 3% is a good idea. In fact, the series takes great pains to show you that it is not. Specifically, like any form of society premised upon separating the haves from the have-nots, it breeds corruption among those in power. It also seems to reward those most capable of deception, manipulation, and, at times, out-right violence, at the expense of those individuals who are honest and more docile.
And, of course, like many series involving a dystopian society, this one includes a rebellious faction, hell-bent on overthrowing the current status quo, in exchange something “better.” In the 3%, these folks are referred to as “the Cause.”
But unlike some of the more simplistic dystopian stories, 3% is a bit less black-and-white in how it views its society. In fact, the arguable main villain of the story, Ezequiel, the person responsible for creating and running the process whereby the 3% are ultimately selected, is easily the most complex, multi-faceted, and interesting character in the series. Likewise, the members of “the Cause,” the would- be heroes of a tale like this, are shown to have some dubious, less than noble, motivations of their own, for doing the things they do.
Character is something the 3% offers in abundance. There are some juicy intriguing characters here, ones that don’t fall into the pat stereotypes that tend to pervade this particular genre. The episodes are structured in the now-familiar format made popular by the TV series, Lost. Namely, each character (at least the important ones) get their own “centric” episode, which flashes back to key moments of their past, before whisking them back to the present in the Process, thereby illuminating how their experiences in the former, dictate or inform their actions in the latter.
To keep you entertained and guessing, the series also offers some clever twists along the way. Some of which you will guess quite easily, early on, even before the characters do. Others may genuinely surprise you.
One of the things I enjoyed, particularly about the earlier episodes of the series was the fact that, since I didn’t know any of these actors and I wasn’t reading a book about them told from a first-person perspective, I was never entirely sure which participants in the Process would be eliminated in a particular episode. In fact, more than once, a character I thought would be important to the story suffered an early elimination and became a complete non-entity.
I would be remiss not to mention that the actors in 3% speak in Brazilian Portuguese. So, if that’s not your first language, some adjustments will have to be made before beginning the series on Netflix. A number of dubbing options, including English, are available. But the message boards are informing me that the English dubbing kind of sucks. Therefore, I recommend watching 3% as I did, in its native tongue, with your chosen language as subtitles. I promise it won’t detract from your viewing pleasure.
Another caveat: Given the heavy amount of exposition generally required for the world-building of dystopian series’ like this one, I found the first episode of 3% to be a bit slow-moving, and some of the dialogue involved in it to be unnatural, at best, and clichéd, at worst. If you feel as I did after watching episode 1, I recommend trying episode 2, anyway. It gets better.
In Summation: The 3% offers up many of the structural, thematic, and narrative devices you’ve come to expect from dystopian young adult stories. However, it’s use of a plausible premise that will have you and your friends debating the merits of a sociological oligarchy based on merit, complex characters, and clever plotting overrides some of its more clichéd aspects for an entertaining and intelligent viewing experience . . . provided you’ve selected the proper subtitle settings prior to viewing.
Umm, Elena. This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.
Howdy, Fangbangers! This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?
She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .
Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .
While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .
Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler. Because, let’s face it. Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .
It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .
Poor Tyler! It’s so hard to find good help these days. You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”
I mean, come on! If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .
The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder. The bad news? He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .
I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun. Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .
“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“
So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all! He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom! HOW RUDE!
“You owe me, Bro! I don’t give up my spit to just anybody! That sh*t’s sacred!”
Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house, only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .
After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slavesmagical creations are kind of an “endangered species.” Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do. Perish the thought!
I don’t know, Klaus. Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me. For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction. Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?
Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want. But more on that later . . .
Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”
When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . . .
. . . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . . Oh Damon! You aren’t fooling anybody. We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .
Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing. And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2. Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?
“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”
So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .
Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle? I know I do! Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .
Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.
And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .
It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.” Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!
That’s right, folks. Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.
I mean, really. How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?
Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .
Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .
So beefy!
How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt. You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school. Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .
“Try to eat less garlic for dinner. My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”
Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.
It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.
In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.
It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them. Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .
Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day? Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .
. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties. First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .
Don’t do it, Elena. Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .
Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal. And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .
Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.” Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home? Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!
So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason? Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup! Pretty ingenious, right?
Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth? And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg? That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!
“Even my spit is awesome . . .”
So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?
Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!
But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party. And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed. She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉
Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.
Yeah, whatever, Elena. You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .
Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan. But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .
Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season . . .
But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle. And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .
Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.” Now, we know.
OK. Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .
And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood . . .
. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady. And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week, will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .
In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .
But back to the beer. Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.
Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze. (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!) So, he was in the clear . . .
At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young. But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator. Oops!
No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it! Elena was out for blood! She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike. But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive. So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?
“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light. A tasty combination!”
It seemed like a kind of random move to me. But it sure did piss off Rebekah. So, mission accomplished, in that regard. Also, it looked cool. And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .
“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “
Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)! It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it? It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal. It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . . “The King of the World.”
It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .
I don’t know. I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side. For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving. She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .
Instead, she did this. And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree. Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .
Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself. He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“
Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature. For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love. So, she did what any girl would do in that situation. She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .
Don’t worry, Matt lovers. It was just a dream . . . for now . . .
As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.
The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.
But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .
Speaking of Damon . . .
Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .
With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .
. . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier. (Payback is a b*tch.)
With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .
Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor. According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter. Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.
Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .
Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?
In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?
Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning. Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different. In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.
Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids? Only time will tell . . .
Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode. Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .
Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him. And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .
Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .
Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament. Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .
This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet . . . See for yourself . . .
Oh, my dear Gleeks . . . it’s that time again . . . you know . . . the time when McKinley High School makes its annual pilgrimage to Spearsylvania.
And why not? Spearsylvania is a happy place . . . a place where every song is about That Boy You Boned, and popping your bubble gum, while thrusting your hip out suggestively, is the Language of Love.
Except, this time around, it appears that something is VERY rotten in Spearsylvania . . .
OMG! What’s a Gleek to do?
Can the Glee kids save their Happy Place from becoming a world filled with bald heads, bad relationships, and Cheetos binge sessions? Tune in to this mini-cap to find out . . .
Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.” I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”
Call me crazy. But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.
Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .
. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .
I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .
You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.
But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .
And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee. You know who’s worrying me most? THIS GUY . . .
What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington? Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?
In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .
Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites. However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM! Now, that’s impressive! Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .
Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother? (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?) In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing. But hey, the guy still looks gooood . . .
You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .
Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .
I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual. But still, it was a little weird. And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.
One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based. This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.
I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .
Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .
NO ONE calls THE RACHEL BERRY un-sexy . . .especially not a has-been, whose Broadway career ended ten years ago, because she made an ass of herself on YouTube . . .
. . .to perform a “dance number” with her, that basically involves her grabbing her crotch a lot, while said “hot older friend” repeatedly paws at her boobs and straddles her.
Uh oh Finn! It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously? Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .
BAD KITTY! You’ve gone and made this storyline even more of a cliche! No toy mice for you!
Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?
But wait! Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?
You’re right! I almost forgot! So many subplots, so little time . . .
Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing. (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)
Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun. This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .
Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .
. . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . . you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season
Deserves a hug . . .
Deserves EXPULSION!
Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.
No . . . for Brittany to earn the help of one William Schuester, she had to do something far worse. She had to LIP SYNC!
OH THE HUMANITY! Brittany has gone TOO FAR now! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! It’s time to take drastic measures. It’s time to SEND IN . . . THE OTHER BLONDE . . .
Don’t worry, Brit-Brit! Sam understands your pain. He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .
Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .
Worry not, my fellow Gleeks! Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!
I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week. She didn’t take it well . . .
Que Pasa, My Pretties! Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?
Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!
So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”
Ahhh . . . those were the good old days. And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .
. . . I miss my adorkable stud muffin . . . A LOT.
Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something. And yet, somehow I doubt it . . . A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.
Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan. (That’s right, Lucas! You show that trashcan who’s boss!)
Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter. And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna. It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .
. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.
This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.
Am I the only one noticing a pattern here? These two just totally did a personality swap . . . kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .
Now, Caleb, a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.
And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.
Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past, bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?
The plot . . . it thickens . . .
Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .
In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .
So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her. This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.
As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.
We don’t get much for free in this world. And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .
But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change. It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.
In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.
When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .
. . . which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . . .
Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!
Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .
In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .
Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable, crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.
It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.
B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late, seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.
Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”
You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes. After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right? At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.
Except, as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident. This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS. And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.
The question is why? And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.
Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby? Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?
Or this . . .
We may never know . . .
In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .
Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.
So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”
It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE. You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.
(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo. This might be one of the reasons why.)
And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.
If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger. I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .
Riiiight . . .
In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .
But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona. Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?
You just never know what you’re going to get with her. One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .
. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength. Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”
Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .
But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again. Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?
Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)
In which A drinks coffin vodka . . . EWWW!
Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode . . . the “A” team moment. We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia. There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.
Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.
Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.
I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .
. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.
But still, did “A” really have to drink it? That’s just gross . . .
This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.” Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones. For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .
. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.
You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream. Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . . well, so far, that seems to be about it.
(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s. The boring words are all me!)
“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”
Oh those Wacky Argents! They sure know how to have a good time! We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.
Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter. (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)
We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison. After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank? This isn’t reality TV!
Allison’s not entirely alone. There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison. I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.
But more on him, in a bit . . .
The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car. (Did she pay? I hope she paid! Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.) It’s too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.
Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station. She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.
Kinky!
Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.
“Happy Father’s Day!”
A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.
Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season. Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree. Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing? Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia? Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?
Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel. He smiles and bows. Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.
Allison Argent . . .
“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?” Allison pouts.
Probably. But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.” Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society. The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill. Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess. Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.
She does it in two and a half hours. And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome. It took him three hours during his “training.” Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life. We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.
“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.”
Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws. Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .
Hitting the Wall
We’re in gym class now. Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.
“Stop looking at my bum. You dirty bum looker!”
Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent? Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.
Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica. New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.
In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever. He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.
Who knew he had that in him. Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .
But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall. Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down. No big deal right? You know that’s not the end of that story.
Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans. While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.
I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement. They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly. But never actually show it to us.
Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand. Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness. And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall. Scott catches her, before she hits the ground. “My hero!”
“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.”
Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble. I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.
Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
Scott says “he just felt it.” Because apparently, being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures. Groovy!
Now we’re at the hospital. Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom. It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?
“Don’t worry, Erica. Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.”
Mommy leaves soon after. Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue. (I guess he “felt” her too.)
DEREK TO ANDRE: “Hey! You cropped out my sexy tank top. What gives, buddy?”
Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever. You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms. But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.
Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .
He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking. At least now we know why she’s not taking it. Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.
“Golly. I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.”
It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . . . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.
But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible? Like rabies. I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already. So, getting it again is no big deal.
I’m getting off track again. What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack. Umm . . . yay?
Speaking of cures . . .
The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia
In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.
“Daydreaming of Wolfy.”
This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .
Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.
“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook. You are like SOOO evil!”
I don’t know. If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying. In fact, I’d be doing this . . .
Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall. Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom. Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor? Forget Athlete’s Foot. We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!
All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven. But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there.
Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty. (She didn’t even wash her hands!)
Big Foot is gone. But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies. So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People. She’s just seeing Dead Peter.
As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think. Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .
The “Fa” Sound
We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are. They apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses. I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.
$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey! So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty. “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.
It’s like Sesame Street. This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”
As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.
“As in Forty?” Stiles tries again. (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)
But Boyd is unmoved. Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash. That’s a lot of money for a high school student! What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?
Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,” New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again. (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)
Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human. These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .
After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later. In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead. Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!
ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!”
LYDIA: “You really think so? That’s SO sweet!”
It’s a Petercicle!
Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.” We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. (Hello, Product Placement.)
“Hi boys. You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.”
Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface. In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way . . .
We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”
Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty) . . .
and Peter (not so much) growing out of the ice . . .
“Hey girlfriend. Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”
“I guess that’s a no?”
If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD. But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .
Speaking of something wolfy . . .
B*tches ARE CRAZY!
In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams. Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.
*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.”
It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison. And it might have worked too. After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.
What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper. Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?
Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.
“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.”
“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”
I don’t know. To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward. Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know. When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene. (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place? No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything! She’s always working!)
“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!”
Snow Dogs on Ice!
Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit. (Why? Can’t a guy have a sick day?) Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy. “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?” Stiles asks hopefully . . .
Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .
Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns. I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.
Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.
“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”
Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.
Meet the Douche Squad.
Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull. And that’s when things really pick up. I smell a WOLF FIGHT. Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.
Naptime for wolfy . . .
(I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)
But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.
“Dammit! Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”
Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human. But it’s too late. Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey. But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica. He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf. Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .
Now, that’s faaaaa . . . ucked up.
In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse. I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.
Dinner is served!
Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy. Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .
Smart choice.
Oh, and I almost forgot. Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.
How nice for him. I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.
And in that moment, Larry the Flying Lobster beat out Sebastian from The Little Mermaid for the honor of Best Performance by a Crustacean in a Film or Television Production.
Jealousy and regret. We’ve all experienced both, at one time or another. It’s easy to look at someone else’s life, and covet that which isn’t yours. And it’s just as easy to look back at the past, longing for a time when things were simpler, and less complicated. This week’s episode of Boardwalk Empire finds all of our characters feeling, in some way or another, uncomfortable in their own skins . . . or, in Commodore’s case, in his own Loberster Thermidor-covered lap . . .
“Why is there a claw in my crotch?”
Let’s review, shall we?
(Special thanks to rawrcaps.net for the screencaps you see here.)
Nelson Van Alden: A Real Fun Guy
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.
Our tale begins in a creepy boarding house, where Crazy Pants Van Alden is scraping butter onto his toast, and looking out a dingy, dust-filled window onto the world. In waddles a SUPER pregnant Lucy to announce, in her bizarro voice, which sounds like a cross between Wall-E and Miss Piggy, that “It is kicking again.”
“I think it’s the baby, but it could just be a really nasty case of crabs . . .”
A clearly aggravated Nelson is quick to remind Lucy that “it” is actually a baby. But, honestly, I can understand Lucy’s confusion. I mean, any living being spawned from Crazy Pants and Madame Sluts-a-Lot has an exceptionally good chance of being born with fangs or a tail.
The future Baby Van Alden
Last week, we learned that Lucy was hanging around the boarding house, and Nelson was paying her. However, this week, we got to dig a bit deeper into the happy couple’s “business agreement.” Apparently, Nelson is paying Lucy a “salary,” to stay in the boarding house, and not leave it, until their little demon baby is born. Once she’s given birth, Lucy is free to return to her so-called “normal” life.
Of course, this begs the question of what will happen TO THE BABY. Will Nelson give it up for adoption? Will he bring it back to HIS wife, and claim that he adopted it for HER? One thing is for sure, Nelson definitely isn’t going to want Lucipoo to have anything to do with the kid, once it’s wrenched from her alcohol and cigarette-scented uterus . . .
Lucy is understandably feeling a bit stifled by her new living arrangement. After all, not too long ago she was Nucky’s #1 whore! She wore fancy dresses, partied seven days a week, and had lots and lots of undoubtedly unappetizing looking sex with THIS GUY . . .
Now, she’s stuck effectively living under house arrest (not unlike a puppy who hasn’t yet been potty trained and is, therefore, forced to do its business on a stack of old newspapers).
Lucy tells Nelson this, in no uncertain terms, remarking, by way of example, that she can’t even listen to music, because, unlike the neighbors, she and Nelson don’t even have a victrola in the house. Nelson doesn’t know what a vitrola is . . . probably because it’s not mentioned in the bible . . .
Nonetheless, Crazy Pants Van Alden HATES the idea of being compared negatively with his adversary Nucky. After all, Mrs. Van Alden lives EXACTLY like this. And Nelson never hears complaints from her! Lucy is clearly just spoiled with all her crazy notions of, you know, actually LEAVING THE HOUSE, and stuff . . .
“You better behave, or I’ll baptize you. (And we all know what happened to the last guy I baptized . . .)”
“Between ordering murders, and rigging elections, I’m sure [Nucky] showed you a real good time, ” scoffs Nelson sarcastically.
“Say what you will about Nucky, but at least he has a really big weiner was FUN!” Lucy pouts.
Honestly, Lucy’s got a point there. With a name that looks and sounds so much like “nookie,” how could you be anything BUT FUN?
See? This guy’s a BLAST!
Speaking of fun, Lucy’s pal, Eddie Cantor — who is based on a real-life comedian, and Broadway performer, who was probably way too cool to actually hang out with a weirdo like Lucy –is his OWN party!
“Oh, Lucy! You and I are going to have so much fun (once I used the restroom . . . I have to piss, like a racehorse).”
He pops by the boarding house with a bottle of booze (As if this baby’s life, wasn’t ALREADY guaranteed to suck, let’s give him an alcohol problem, and possible congenital disease), some hilariously exaggerated facial expressions, and a real snoozer of a play entitled “A Dangerous Maid.”
My new favorite couple on this show . . .
Lucy complains to her pal about wanting a man who wants her for more than just “makin’ whoopie.”
(The fact that Mr. Cantor didn’t bust into hysterical laughter, upon hearing this, makes him a WAY better person than I am.)
Later, Nelson comes home, and is shocked to find Lucy “rehearsing” for “A Dangerous Maid” in front of the bedroom mirror. “You wish to perform in this spectacle?” He inquires, which causes Lucy to pout and mug at the camera a bit (a.k.a. her only workable facial expression).
Nelson actually tries reading the play out loud with her for a few minutes, before losing his temper, and tossing it at her. Clearly, their little baby-making arrangement did not involve momentarily pretending you didn’t look 8.5 months pregnant and could actually star in a play! How dare Lucy do such a thing!
But Lucy has gotten through to Nelson more than she knows. While at work, Nelson asks a co-worker? “Do you think I’m fun?”
The fact that THIS co-worker also did not laugh in Nelson’s face makes HIM a way better person than I am. (Man, I must truly suck as a human).
Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Lucy is crying over her naked massively pregnant body in the mirror. Because, heaven forbid we go through an episode where Lucy doesn’t get naked at least once. She even goes as far as to try to throw herself down the stairs . . . either to lose the baby, or commit suicide, not quite sure which.
“Don’t worry, I’m not trying to kill myself. I’m just teaching myself how to fly.”
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your particular thoughts about Lucy), Lucipoo’s epic Stair Dive is interrupted by a delivery person, bearing a gift from Nelson, or, more accurately, the fake name Nelson is living in the boarding house under. It’s . . . wait for it . . a victrola. He comes home later to find Lucy listening to the victrola, and happily dancing around the house, as if she is giving the furniture a lap dance. (Just like Old Times!)
“I’m a GREAT dancer! I can pat my head, and rub my belly AT THE SAME TIME!”
Nelson’s face, upon seeing this spectacle is inscrutable. Is he overtaken with feelings of love, and pride, for this strange woman carrying her child? Is he aroused by her naked body? Confused as to why anyone would enjoy music that couldn’t be found in a hymn book? Relieved that he has successfully prevented his Baby Maker from escaping with the child? Perhaps, he is a little of all of these things . . .
Then again, maybe he’s just really, really constipated . . .
Speaking of poker faces . . .
Who is Peggy Rowland Margaret Schroeder
. . . aside from someone who can really hold her liquor . . .
Margaret continues on her quest to be the dutiful not-wife to Nucky, during his hour of need. Concerned about their finances, Margaret returns some of the fancy jewelry Nucky bought her, despite the latters repeated (though not very believable) protests that “everything is going to be fine.”
“Hang on to the jewelry, now. We may need to sell it on the streets, later, when we are poor and destitute . . .along with your body.”
Of course, Margaret has more to worry about than just Nucky’s continued financial health. A letter has arrived at her home from a local detective agency. As it turns out, the agency has tracked down Margaret’s family in Ireland, and they have since emigrated to nearby Brookyln.
Margaret reluctantly reveals this fact to Nucky, when he finds her flipping through their photographs in bed. He is suprisingly kind and supportive of Margaret’s discovery, and even encourages her to arrange for a family reunion. “We didn’t leave on the best of terms,” Margaret admits.
“Golly gee, Boss! This is fun! Who do we get to prank call, tomorrow?”
Later in the episode, Margaret commandeers her busy little maid, Katie (she of the crappy coats), from last week’s episode, to call the house where Margaret is staying, and ask for Peggy Rowland. When she does, Katey is informed that “Peggy,” died twelve years ago. Margaret copes with this discovery, by crying by herself in her bedroom. The outburst does not go unnoticed by an increasingly suspicious Katey.
Later Margaret makes the odd choice of trying to “revisit her roots,” by trying to hang out with the maid staff, while they are drinking booze and gossiping down in the kitchen. Perhaps, she feels this will help her to assauge the guilt about her own family. She tells the girls to call her Margaret, and pour her a shot. However, drinking with Margaret, feels to the girls a bit like drinking with their boss . . . or their own mother. And so, the fun in the room, quickly, and humiliatingly dies.
MARGARET: “Ladies, I was thinking of playing a rollicking game of strip poker. What do you say?”
KATIE: “If we say no, do we get fired?”
Margaret’s attempts at closeness, however, do strike a chord with Katie, who stops her on the staircase, at the end of the episode, to confirm a suspicion she has, “YOU’RE Peggy Rowland, aren’t you?”
“The minute I get upstairs, I am SO unfriending you on Facebook.”
Well, so much for being friends with the help! Margaret metaphorically shuts the door on a friendship with the maid, by coldly shooing her away. However, based upon her sudden change in demeanor, we can tell that what Katie said was absolutely true. Margaret had, for some reason, changed her name from Peggy Rowland, when she left the states. And, because of that, her family either THINKS she’s dead, or is behaving as if she is dead, out of resentment. Either way, it is quite a blow to Margaret, and pretty much makes her the “Don Draper,” of Boardwalk Empire . . .
Oh, how I miss you, Don Draper!
Al C. and Jimmy Irish: Reunited and it feels so good!
Al Capone is BACK AT THE BOARDWALK!!!!
And he’s got a special message to deliver to Nucky Thompson on behalf of Joe Torrio: Chicago and New York are no longer in the liquor business together. This is because Chicago is now in business with Some Annoying Dude from Pittsburgh Who Refer to Himself in the Third Person. Nucky is extremely insulted that Torrio sent his emissary, as opposed to delivering this information by himself. And he tells Capone as much.
“You ditched me for someone who refers to themselves in the third person! People who do that don’t deserve to LIVE!”
Nonetheless, Nucky IS curious, given his recent struggles, with the business, how,his counterparts are fairing in other cities, “How is Torrio handling the competition?” Nucky inquires, as Capone prepares to leave.
“We’re killing ’em,” Capone replies with a wry smile. (Well, that IS one way to get rid of them . . .)
But politics and platitudes never much interested Capone. He’s much more interested in his bromantic buddy Jimmy Irish, a.k.a. Jimmy Darmody. “You’ll have to ask him, himself,” Nucky replies coldly.
So, Capone DOES! The next time we see the inimitable Capone he is in Jimmy’s living room, charming Jimmy’s wife and son in the way only he can.
“Hey little guy! Want me to tell you a story? It’s all about this guy I whacked, back in Chicago . . .”
When Jimmy returns home, the two share a drink and catch up on where their respective storylines have taken them, since they last saw one another. Both men are moving up the ranks, in their respective crime families, Jimmy due to his father’s greed, and his cunning, and Al, due to his strength, and seamless ability to whack the competition, without experiencing an ounce of guilt. Case in point, when Jimmy tries to explain to Al the political coup he, the Commodore are planning, to oust Nucky, Capone is mystified. The whole thing just seems like so much unnecessary work! “Why don’t you just have Frankenstein here, put a bullet in his head?” Capone asks, motioning to Harrow, who has been silently listening to this conversation the entire time.
“I won’t do that,” replies Harrow sternly. (Wow . . . it looks like our Family Coveting SUPER Hitman has gone and developed some scruples. This can’t be good!)
When Jimmy rushes to the living room floor to cuddle his son, and help him tie his shoes, both Capone and Harrow watch him with matching looks of envy, Harrow, because he has no wife and kids, and Capone, because his son is deaf, and therefore, can’t converse with him, like Jimmy’s can. Harrow breaks the awkward ice by asking after that “lovely prostitute,” Odette, that took his virginity last season. “She’s a WHORE,” Capone replies. (I guess he’s not real big on “small talk.”)
“That’s the last straw. I’m totally taking Al Capone out of my Family Scrapbook! No one calls my prostitute girlfriend, a prostitute, and gets away with it!”
Later, we see Jimmy getting a manicure from Mama “Kiss His Little Winky” Darmody. Jimmy muses to her about Al Capone’s late father, who was a barber, and wonders whether he might have been meant for a simpler life. Mama clearly sees her son as someone who’s Little Winky is destined to explore hot women for great things. And she’s more than happy to be the woman behind that Winky . . . well, aside from HIS WIFE, of course.
“I do hope you’re treating your little winky, better than you are treating these nail beds. Mind if I check?”
It’s evident in this scene that Jimmy is already beginning to question his allegiance to the Commodore, who his mother used to call “The Lech.” When questioned about this, Mama notes that forgiveness is a virtue. And this undoubtedly causes Jimmy to wonder why he should be forgiving COMMODORE and not Nucky, who effectively raised him, while Commodore was out exploring his “other interests.”
It kind of makes me wonder whether Jimmy will ultimately decide to return to Nucky, even if it means giving up the opportunity to ascend to power. And if he does make this decision, will he be able to do so, before it is too late . . .
Speaking of paying one’s dues to one’s elders . . .
Lucky and Meyer are sitting down to a very uncomfortable dinner with Arnold Rothstein and Mr. Mazzeria, the Lower East Side Crime boss, who’s henchmen’s throat’s Jimmy slit last week. Mr. Mazzeria is clearly pissed about this, especially considering that it happened on, what he considered to be his turf. Apparently, Mazzeria is well aware of the card game Lucky and Meyer run, fairly close to where his men were killed. Rothstein, ever the businessman, offers to make amends, by having Lucky and Meyer pay a lump sum to Mazzeria for the two victims families, as well as 10% of their card game wins, going forward.
Lucky is furious and moves to protest, but is quickly silenced by Rothstein, and the more cool-headed Meyer. As he is leaving, Mazzeria notes in Italian to Lucky that he should be working with a fellow Italian, like HIM, as opposed to two Jewish men. Lucky seethes at this, but does not respond. With Mazzeria out of the picture, Lucky turns to Rothstein out of sheer frustration. “We already give 50% of our earnings from that game to you!” He complains.
“And now you know why,” Rothstein says coolly.
Do you smell a rebellion? Because I think I smell a rebellion . . .
Since we’re on the subject of rebellion . . .
A Face Not Even a Father Could Love . . .
“If I just move that pillow ever-so-slightly over his face, and press down really hard, no one will ever know . . .”
Oh, Eli! Poor sniveling Eli! All he wants to do is FINALLY wear the Big Boy Pants, and step outside of his older brother’s shadow. But while Eli is taking car of his senile, emaciated father, who is staying in his house, the only name on that man’s lips is Nucky. “How can they do that to him? You have to help your brother,” says Papa Thompson, looking frantically into Eli’s eyes at the newspaper detailing the election fraud charges recently lodged against Nucky by Eli, himself, among others.
Is it just me, or does Nucky look kind of hot in this picture? It’s just me? Yeah . . . I thought so . . .
But then Papa, in his senility begins to believe he’s talking to Nucky. “You have to help ELI, he’s not like you. He’s weak and has no sense,” Eli’s father says . . . or something to that effect.
“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up . . . oops . . . wrong line.”
OUCH! When you’re 80-something year old dad thinks your a loser, you’ve REALLY got problems. It looks like Eli won’t be stepping into those Big Boy Pants anytime soon . . .
Speaking of surrogate sons . . .
Jimmy Darmody 2.0
“I’m pretty sure I just fell in love with you . . .”
So, remember that cute Irish guy from last week named Owen Sleater? Well, it turns out he’s a lot more ambitious than his baby face would suggest. Having landed a job at nearby casino, thanks to Nucky. Owen overhears the alderman nagging his boss for being short on Nucky’s “take” of the profits. The boss gripes that, since he’s not getting any liquor, and drunks gamble more, and LOSE more, he’s suffering from a serious case of the Myfundsarelow Disease. Sleater puts two and two together, and realizes that Nucky hasn’t been able to deliver his liquor to his patrons, because SOMEONE has been intercepting it at the shore, in order to sell their own. *cough Commodore cough*
“Wow, Nucky, your desk is a mess. I don’t think that woman, Katie, you hired as a maid, does a good job cleaning up around here. Would you like me to spank her? Because I would very much like to spank her . . . among other things.”
Sleater sees this as an opportunity and quickly goes to see Nucky about it. Sleater tells Nucky that he’s good at “making people stop doing things that other people don’t want them to do.” It’s a bold move for someone who’s still clearly at the bottom of the food chain to make. And Nucky seems equal parts intrigued, amused, and skeptical of the offer, which he neither accepts or rejects outright.
“Hmm . . . well, you’re definitely young and hot, like Jimmy is, but I’m not quite sure you really have what it takes. Let me see your Little Winky, so I can know for sure.”
However, later, back at the casino, Owen gets the opportunity to exhibit his skill, when he stops the Commodore’s liquor delivery to the casino, and ends up in an at gunpoint standoff with none other than Richard Harrow. The two regard eachother as equals, with a matching twinkle in their eyes, and neither of them pulls the trigger. “Why didn’t you shoot me?” Owen asks, a valid question, but also a REALLY stupid one, if you think about it.
“Would this be a bad time for me to ask you whether you have a Twitter account?”
“I may yet,” says Richard, with a half grin, before exiting stage left, with his unloaded liquor.
Needless to say Owen’s boss isn’t going to be too happy with him, when he learns that his casino will be forced to, once again, stay dry, as a result of his new employees scare tactic. But Owen is betting on the fact that Nucky will be take notice of what he did, and be pleased. After all, he does seem to be in the market for a Jimmy 2.0 . . .
As for Jimmy 1.0 . . .
My Two Dads
JIMMY: “Mmm . . . you smell nice, have you purchased a new cologne, since I betrayed you?”
NUCKY: “Why, yes, it’s called Eau De I’m Going to Kick Your Ass.”
After spending some time in the pokey, and some more time in self-imposed exhile, Nucky seems super excited to have a night on the town with Margaret, his sole remaining political ally, Mayor Bader, and the Mayor’s wife. The two couples head to their favorite nighttime spot, Babette’s only to find that their usual table is being occupied by, you guessed it, the Commodore, Jimmy D, and some Senator the pair are trying to butter up. Nucky seethes, but says nothing, that is . . . until it comes time for the foursome to order their meals.
Margaret makes the HUGE mistake of ordering lobster thermidor. This prompts the waiter to inform her that the last lobster was just sold. Cut to Nucky’s eyes honing in on the Commodore, who is currently shoving a HUGE LUMP OF LOBSTER in his fat mustachioed mouth.
“Mmmmmm . . . LOBSTER . . . DELICIOUSSSSS!”
“Hey! You spit that out! That lobster belongs to my lady!”
I think this is the first time in a LONG TIME, where we really see Nucky lose it. He stomps over to the Commodore’s table, and hilariously flips that lobster plate, sending it flying across the table. Quite frankly, it’s AWESOME!
“Weeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m flyinggggggggg!”
But Nucky’s not finished. “I will ruin you,” he says determinedly. “ALL OF YOU,” he concludes with a glare at Jimmy.
A bit embarrassed, and not sure how to respond, Jimmy stays silent . . . for now. So, Nucky focuses his ire on Commodore, who chastizes him for acting like a child. “You’re an expert on children,” he replies brilliantly.
(Ooh, that was a good one.)
But things get REALLY intense, when Nucky tells Jimmy that the Commodore didn’t even ask for his mother’s NAME, before he slept with her. Instead, he just pointed to her, and said, “That one.”
Jimmy rises to his feet, and the two erstwhile comrades in crime, are now eyeing eachother with hatred and accusation. It is the Commodore, who eventually prevents Jimmy from getting physical with Nucky.
“I want my daddy . . .*sniffle*”
Later that night, when Jimmy is alone in his kitchen, we see the emotional and physical toll this evening has taken on him. He is half asleep with drunkenness, and his head is heavy with sadness and regret. Jimmy’s wife enters the room, and, seeing the state her husband is in, offers him a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he accepts gratefully. “How was dinner with your father?” She inquires.
“Which one?” He replies glumly . . .
You know, a lot of commenters have griped about Michael Pitt’s performance as Jimmy. They’ve claimed it to be wooden, and uninteresting. Now, maybe it’s just because I’m insanely attracted to the actor, but I have to respectfully disagree. I love the understated way Pitt addresses this role. The character of Jimmy Darmody is at a crossroads. He can become a hardened criminal, a slimy politician, or a true hero . . . right now, any of these titles is ripe for the taking. And, quite frankly, he’s not sure which one he wants.
To me, that’s what makes Jimmy SO interesting. He always seems to be calculating his next move, and you just never know which version of him, you are going to get, at any particular moment. It’s exciting . . . and sexy.
“Whatever, Recapper . . . you’re just saying that because you want to jump his bones.”
(Yeah . . . probably)
OK . . . I’m off my soapbox now, and done with my recap. So, what did you think of “The Dangerous Maid?” Has it turned you off to lobster thermidor for good, or are you hungry for more?
Sometimes, the greatest love stories can be found in the most unexpected of places . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! In a show that is so often about lies, it was kind of refreshing to experience an episode of Gossip Girl that was actually all about the truth.
Each of our main characters except for Serena had a certain painful truth that plagued them throughout the episode. Facing up to those truths could leave them vulnerable to a world of painful consequences, but it could also set them free. During the hour, we repeatedly wondered how our characters would cope with their specific truths. Would they embrace them, bravely? Or become imprisoned by them? And, perhaps, importantly, would anyone get laid, in the process?
“Is that you, Jenny Humphrey? You look . . . different. Did you do something to your hair?
The odd (but hilarious) little bromance between Dan and Chuck continues, as Dan tries to cure Chuck of his “conversion disorder.” Dan’s attempts to make Chuck “feel” again, include (1) making him watch Field of Dreams (an admittedly odd choice, but considering that Dan has always struck me as a 50-year old man, stuck in a 19-year old body, I guess we’re supposed to just go with it); and (2) buying him the most adorable little puppy EVER! Thanks Dan, you’ve officially just made that Mother Chucker even more irresistible than he was before. I didn’t think was possible . . .
“I’m Chuck Bass’ dog.”
Chuck, who honestly, never struck me as much of a “dog” person, or an “animal of any kind,” person, for that matter, seems adamantly against the idea of keeping the dog, which, of course, in TV speak, means the canine is pretty much guaranteed to become a series regular . . .
“Oh yeah, I’m getting my SAG Card, b*tches!”
But Chuck isn’t the only Upper East Sider Dan is trying to cure. For whatever reason, Dan seems positively OBSESSED with getting Blair to open the results of her paternity test, so that she can FINALLY find out whether Chuck or Louis, is, in fact, her baby daddy.
“Well, it definitely isn’t ME!”
In fact, Dan is SO interested in the answer to this question, that he and Dorota have been texting eachother like girlfriends, pretty much nonstop, ever since Blair found out she was pregnant. The two also have been pestering Blair to pick up, and open the results envelope, about every three minutes. (With friends like these, who needs stalkers?!)
Actually, I’d say the best part of pregnancy is when cute guys give up their seat on the subway for you . . . but what do I know?
Finally, after cornering Blair on the street, Dan gets the Queen B to pick up her paternity results from the hospital. But “picking up” the results, and actually opening them are two very different things! Dan, of course, thinks Blair should rip of the proverbial Baby Daddy band-aid, right away.
DAN: “Would you mind terribly if I read the results out loud, in my best reality game show host voice? I do a mean, Ryan Seacrest impersonation.”
But Blair manages to buy herself some time. She reminds her Donut-y friend that she has an important interview with Hello magazine that she does not want to ruin with her eventual tears Inevitably Emotional Baby Discovery. Dan then reluctantly agrees to back off, until after the interview is over.
“Well, that’s more civilized,” Blair replies, relieved. “Unlike your hair,” she can’t help but add. “You look like a muppet.”
Now that she mentions it, Dan does have a bit of a Fozzie Bear thing going for him, doesn’t he?
At the interview, of course, Blair is asked questions about when her and Louis-bot will be starting their half-human, half-cyborg family. When Blair awkwardly deflects these questions, the interviewer informs her that Louis-bot has answered for her already. Apparently, during HIS interview, Louis told the folks at Hello magazine that he and Blair were not at all ready for children, and that a family was a LOOOOOONG way off.
“Tell me something, Blair. Can robot babies be breastfed, or do they only drink out of oil cans?”
Blair, of course, is crushed, not to mention petrified as to what Louis-bot’s response will be, when he finds out a “family” isn’t far off, at all. Rather, it’s less than nine months away!
“I hope he doesn’t short-circuit, when I tell him.”
To make matters worse, she receives a blast on Gossip Girl, which features Chuck taking his adorable little puppy back to the pound, a very, non-fatherly thing to do.
“Why is Chuck carrying Jenny Humphrey like that? Can’t she walk on her own?”
Convinced that neither of the baby’s potential fathers will be at all pleased to learn of her pregnancy, Blair tears up the paternity results (but not very well), and tosses them in a nearby wastebasket. (Riiiiight, because no one would EVER find them there!)
“I’ll fold up the results and make them into a paper crane . . . or maybe a stork . . .”
Blair then decides to go to a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Thingy, where she can walk the catwalk, and continue to be in denial of her expanding waistline , and uncertain Baby Daddy Future . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW household . . .
Welcome to the Mecca of Psychotic Freaks . . .
“Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I KILLED SOMEONE?”
A very apprehensive Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, and the actual Serena have arrived back home. Noticing faux-Charlie’s discomfort, Serena immediately assumes that faux-Charlie is worried that the Upper East Siders won’t accept her, because last time she was here, she was a Total Wackjob, Who Had a Nervous Breakdown, and Pretty Much Single White Female-d Serena.
Though pretty much anywhere else in the world, these would be fabulous reasons not to accept someone, in the Upper East Side, crazy is apparently what passes for normal. Just ask Juliet, Georgina, Jenny Humphries, and, yes Serena! Serena describes the UES as a Mecca of Psychotic Freaks and a nervous breakdown as a right of passage.
“Who needs a Sweet 16, when you have your First Trip to the Ostroff Center?”
Faux-Charlie seems touched by Serena’s seemingly unfailing kindness and acceptance of her, but doesn’t know how long this charade can continue. Meanwhile, Serena reintroduces faux-Charlie to Blair. And though the latter doesn’t exactly welcome her with open arms, she doesn’t shun her either, for Serena’s sake.
BLAIR: (through her teeth) “Just keep smiling, and maybe she won’t chop our faces up into teeny tiny pieces, while we sleep.”
Faux-Charlie is quickly becoming enthralled with the Non Judging Breakfast Club. And she seems pretty certain that she doesn’t want to return to her old Poor Person’s life, anytime soon . . .
“Seriously, stop bringing stray dogs into this house. It stopped being cute, when you were about 13 and I realized you were actually sleeping with most of them.”
But then she overhears Serena talking to her mother, and learns that Carol Rhodes, Charlie’s REAL mother, and the person who hired her to impersonate Charlie, in order to gain access to her trust fund is on the hunt for her, and worse, is returning to the Upper East Side to collect her. Feeling trapped, faux-Charlie sees no other choice, but to leave town, before she is discovered. She calls her ex-boyfriend Max, and tells him she will meet him in Seattle, and then hails a cab.
“Now, I know how Cinderella felt when she got turned back into a pumpkin . . . wait . . . I think I got that wrong, somehow. One of these days, I’m definitely going to learn how to read.”
But Serena finds her outside. Uh-oh! Busted!
Thinking fast, faux-Charlie explains that she overheard Serena talking to her mother, and doesn’t want to be any trouble for the VDW’s. “I just feel like I don’t belong here,” faux Charlie pouts. (Gee, faux-Charlie, I wonder why that is . . . could it possibly be because you DON’T?) Eventually, Serena relents giving faux-Charlie a hug, as she enters the cab. But then a mischievious glint enters her eyes, and we just KNOW she is up to something. “Before you go, just do me a favor and return these Tickets for a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Event for me,” Serena says, more or less.
“SUCKER!”
Undoubtedly, feeling a bit guilty for all she has put Serena through, since last season, Faux-Charlie agrees to run this errand for her.
Who knew Serena knew how to be devious? I always thought that was more Blair’s and Chuck’s forte?
When faux Charlie arrives at the fashion event, she quickly learns that Serena has arranged for HER to walk the runway in Serena’s place, despite the fact that Charlie is about a FOOT shorter than Serena, and could never, ever, EVER fit into her dress. On the dress Charlie is supposed to wear is a note that she should “live out her dreams.”
“Would you like some wine with that cheesiness?”
While preparing to walk the runway, faux-Charlie has an encounter with Blair, who, upon hearing that faux-Charlie is planning to leave, tells her that she should live the life that she wants.
“Yes, Faux-Charlie, live the life that you want, even if it just happens to be someone else’s life. I don’t about you, but I’ve always found identity theft to be SUPER inspiring . . .”
Little does Blair know that her small words of encouragement give birth to a monster. When Carol Rhodes arrives at the fashion event to chase faux-Charlie out of town (She was alerted to faux-Charlie’s deeds, upon finding her canceled check, from last week’s episode), Faux Charlie threatens HER, claiming that if she doesn’t let her assume Charlie’s life, Faux-Charlie will reveal all of Carol Rhodes’ monkey getting schemes, and bring HER down, right along with her. “This family that you HATE, has been kinder to me than my real family ever was,” Faux Charlie insists.
“You mean, you actually have a family? This whole time I thought you were raised by Keebler Elves.”
Toward the end of the episode, Charlie moves back into the VDW house, with a newly non-house arrested Lily and Rufus. Her and Carol share a cold hug, on Carol’s way out, “You are on your own now,” Carol tells her ominously.
. . . errr . . . I mean . . . my Charlie . . . oh . . . I mean . . . my Ivy, or whatever the f*&k you’re calling yourself these days . . .
Good luck, Faux Charlie! Something tells me you are going to need it, if you want to keep up this charade for the foreseeable future . . .
Speaking of those who aren’t sufficiently devious (or smart) . . .
Journalism for Dummies (like Nate)
“I liked you so much better, when I was banging you in my front yard.”
Today is Nate’s first day on the job as a “serious journalist.” Poor Naive Nate. He genuinely believes that Diana has hired him for his brains, and not for his . . . hot dog.
Chuck, of course, warns him of this, but he refuses to listen to reason. But then, when he arrives at the office, of course, Diana pulls him into her office, and starts to ravage him. Nate argues that this will not set a good impression on his co-workers, if the INTERN is having sex with the boss on the first day, as if he is her male prostitute. Diana agrees. So, she FIRES them!
“Sorry, average-looking people, you’re simply not attractive enough to be extas on this show.”
“Due to a recent botox injection, opening my mouth wide like this, is the only way I can show you I’m happy.”
Now, Nate is furious. It’s finally dawning on him why he was hired to take this job. He threatens to leave Diana’s internship for another one. So, Diana thinks fast, and offers him a “reporting gig.” The assignment is so ridiculous, the fact that it didn’t set off warning bells in Nate’s head immediately illustrates that he might very well be learning disabled. Nate’s “job” was to interview a senator and his snooty wife, NOT on the senator’s politics, but on his vacation to the Greek Isles.
“And if you REALLY want to see him squirm, ask him about his favorite color.”
Of course, the minute Nate asks about said Isles, it clues the Senator’s wife in to the fact that he is having an affair. (Don’t ask me how. Just go with it.) The wife storms off, telling the Senator she wants a divorce. And when Nate apologizes to the Senator, the latter says in a huff, “I thought you were the NICE one in the family.”
(Oh, but he IS the NICE One Senator! Unfortunately, he’s also the MORONIC ONE!)
Just be thankful you’re so pretty . . .
Now, Nate’s pissed at Diana AGAIN for being used as a pawn in her little game. As it turns out, Diana had arranged for everyone at this party to have their cell phones turned in. She did this so that she could get the Senator’s cell phone, which confirmed information about the affair. As it turns out, Diana doesn’t wish to make the Spectator into a “serious journalism” publication at all. Rather, she wants to make it a tabloid about the New York elite, by using the type of tactics that got News of the World shut down.
You know what that means, of course. Girlfriend is stomping on Gossip Girl’s toes . . . and getting PAID to do it. When Nate unwittingly suggests that Diana check ALL the cell phones taken at the party for a scoop, Diana thinks its a brilliant idea. Of course, she makes NATE do all the dirty work, as her sole, unpaid, employee.
“OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . so, now, I’m not getting laid . . . OR getting paid? What a crock!”
Nate considers the moral implications of this for about two seconds, before robotically doing Diana’s bidding.
“I know my dignity is in here somewhere . . .”
He gets a few human points back for not hijacking his friend’s phones: Chuck, Dan, Blair and Serena. However, the information Diana is able to mine off the cell phones he DID nab is enough for a BOOK . . . or at least a few issues of a trashy magazine.
One of the cell phone’s he DOES find is Faux-Charlie’s. Something tells me, Diana is going to find some VERY interesting stuff on THAT phone . . .
A Fashion “Don’t”
Oooh . . . do I smell another love triangle?
It isn’t a real Gossip Girl party without a humiliating cat fight, amongst our Upper East Siders. In a throwback to their quarrelsome internship days, this little wrestling session took place between Dan and Blair. It all started when Blair decided to ignore the results of her paternity test, and walk the runway. Dan wasn’t having that at all!
“Dair” to be a pest.
So, in a surprisingly bold (and definitely weird) moment, DAN pushes away celebrity Simon Noonan, and escorts Blair down the catwalk. Apparently, Dorota has taped up the paternity test from Blair’s trash (where, rumor has it her pee-covered pregnancy test is still sitting, and given it to Dan. (CREEPY!)
I hope you wore gloves, Dorota . . .
Dan keeps trying to stick the letter on Blair . . . under her armpit, down her dress, anywhere that will force her to read it. It’s a well-meaning gesture, I guess. But also immature . . . and weird. I mean, this takes being a supportive friend to a whole new level, doesn’t it.
A furious, and determined Blair, end up pushing Dan HARD into a nearby waiter, causing glasses and plates to fly everywhere. Nice going, Dan the Flying Donut!
“Don’t worry. I’m OK, I just felt like doing a little dance for you, called The Worm.”
Later, Blair and Dan share a sweet apology outside the party. Dan admits that he’s been WAY too involved in Blair’ test result, because he has been using them to try to avoid focusing on his OWN issues relating to the unwelcome publication of his novel. Blair admits to the fact that she came to Dan in the first place, because she knew he would help her to combat her darkest instincts. Dan finally gives Blair the paternity test letter and leaves her to her own private HELL.
“You DO realize this is the second time you’ve tackled me at public event, don’t you? Around Brookyln, we call that foreplay.”
We see her open it, and (maybe) look at the results. So, tell us Blair . . . WHO’S THE DADDY?
“Umm . . . Dan? I think you gave me the wrong letter. This one says I may have just won one million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing House.”
From The Inside Out . . .
“OK, Famous Author Person . . . I need you honest opinion on something. Do you really think I look like a muppet?”
Thanks to Chuck “taking one for the team” by having mediocre sex with some VERY LUCKY publisher’s assistant, Dan now knows Simon & Schuester is the lucky publishing company that has nabbed his book, appropriately entitled “The Inside” (sounds vaguely dirty). Now, all he has to do is stop the proverbial presses. Dan decides to do this by stopping by his old pal and mentor Noah Shapiro to ask him for a favor. (Have you ever noticed how many curmudgeony, over 50 writer friends Dan has collected, over the course of five seasons? I can’t even keep track. They all look and act, exactly the same.
Chuck hilariously offers to lend Dan knee pads for his plea and grovel affair, which gives the meeting itself homoerotic undertones, that are perhaps unintended. Dan explains his plight to Noah. And Noah, in turn, gives him advice that would be solid and reliable, if Dan were anything but a character on Gossip Girl. “You want my advice . . . the easiest way to let a book to die, is let it be published. Have you seen the Bestseller’s list lately? In a month, you’re book will be half off, in a bargain bin,” he says, more or less.
I’m pretty sure this is EXACTLY what Dan Humphrey will look like in about 40 years . . . It’s almost as if he’s talking to himself . . . FROM THE FUTURE!
(Of course, we know that while this would probably be the case with ANY OTHER BOOK written by an anonymous college student, it will NOT be so, with Dan, because that would make for an incredibly lame storyline. Nevertheles, Dan seems comforted by Noah’s assurances, and leaves with some weight lifted off his shoulders.)
If this were a “Nate” storyline, instead of a “Dan” one, these two would have (1) already had sex, (2) already started dating, and (3) she would already have a DEEP DARK SECRET she was hiding from him. Instead, I doubt we’ll ever see this woman again. Sucks for her.
But the next day, Dan return to Noah’s office and learns from his assistant that NOAH is coming forward as if HE wrote “The Inside.” Dan is livid, but conflicted. On one hand, this would get him off the hook with his friends and the new object of his affection. On the other hand, this IS his first published novel, so . . . NO FAIR! Dan, of course, turns to his new bromantic buddy Chuck for advice. And Chuck basically tells him to “poo or get off the pot,” as far as this novel is concerned.
So, Dan manages to get some balls, and decides to poo. By this, I mean he tracks down Noah at dinner with “friends,” and publicly announces that HE, not Noah, wrote “The Inside.” Suddenly, the whole table is clapping, including Noah. It turns out the whole thing was a set up to get Dan to come clean about his authorhip of the book, which had been published anonymously. Noah then invites Dan to sit down and meet his entire publishing and marketing team. That’s right . . . because major publishers and agents ALWAYS spend this much time and energy on anonymous first-time novelists. I guess we are just supposed to believe the book is “SOOO GOOD,” that it merits all this fuss . . .
“Yes! I’m totally going to be the next Stephenie Meyer . . . except not Mormon . . . and not . . . you know . . . a woman.”
I’ll believe it when I see it .. .
When Dan arrives home, he is greeted with a copy of his book (the cover of which, looks suspiciously similar to that of the first Gossip Girl book – how meta), even though it seems as though it was just picked up for publication, at most, a couple of months ago. (These sort of things typically take at least a year from publication agreement to ACTUAL publication, particularly for an unknown writer. But like I said . . . Dan is just SOOOO GOOD.
And next week, based on the promos, it seems we will get to find out just HOW good he is . . . You better not let me down, Humphrey Dumpty. 🙂
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .
Blair visits CHUCK’S APARTMENT! When he first turns around to see her standing there, he blinks twice, as if he thinks it must be a dream. Blair is clearly effected by the reunion as well, as she stands stock still in the doorway, shaking, her eyes just minutes away from overflowing with tears. “I need to talk to you,” she says, shaking her head, as if to give herself the courage she needs to do what she needs to do. An unprepared Chuck even wonders out loud whether this is a ploy by Dan to get Chuck to “feel” something. (If so, that would be a mighty mean ploy.)
Blair doesn’t beat around the bush. She tells Chuck that she’s pregnant, and pauses, while she lets that piece of information sink in. Chuck tries to be non reactive, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who caught a glimpse of hope, and adoration in his eyes, as he attempts to work out the math in his head. But then Blair says it’s Louis-Bot’s (NOOO, IT’ CAN’T BE! CAN IT? SURELY, SHE’S LYING!), and Chuck quickly masks his heartbreak as seamlessly as he can. We see him look away for a second, eyes shut tight, before he turns back to Blair again.
He hopes to appear cold and aloof, but GG fans know he is brimming with emotion, and Blair can feel it, as well. Chuck notes that Blair must be relieved that the baby is not his, because THAT would have derailed her Princess fairytale. Blair flinches a bit at this, noting that this fairytale is more complicated than it would first appear.
Cue Monkey, Chuck’s new dog to come nipping at Blair’s feet. Already, I’m loving Monkey. He’s an awesome wingman. it’s as if he knows instinctively that Blair read that blast on Gossip Girl about Chuck returning him to the pound, and wants her to know that Chuck DOES have love in his heart, for animals, and, yes, for little tiny humans, as well. Blair kneels down to pet Monkey, as she asks Chuck about the Gossip Girl blast. “I took him to get fixed. I figured it was the responsible thing to do kind of like, you know, wearing a condom, before you have sex at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah. Blair winces at this, message sent and received.
But if the encounter between Chuck and Blair has turned a bit sour, Blair brings it back to sweet, with this line, “You know, there was a part of me that wished it was yours.”
Chuck blinks at this, as if to say, “a part of me wishes it was mine as well.” When Blair tells Chuck that she should leave, Chuck agrees, but only because he seems about ready to burst, and doesn’t want Blair to see him breakdown. The entire encounter is truly heartbreaking. And yet, it is nothing compared to final scene, which I will get to, in just a bit. You can rewatch the ENTIRE Chuck / Blair encounter, by clicking below (provided this video doesn’t get snatched from YouTube, before you have a chance to watch):
Later, we see Blair sharing the good (but possibly false) news with Louis-bot. The Prince of Monaco is overjoyed at the prospect of being a father (though the computer chip in the back of his brain prevents him from showing any more than a modicum of emotion). Blair, of course, then asks him about his interview with Hello Magazine, in which he said he didn’t want kids for a long time. And Louis replies, very smoothly, I might add that Louis only said this to prevent the press from hounding Blair about starting a family before she was ready.
Just nod and smile, Louis-bot . . . You don’t really have to understand what she’s saying . . .
Blair is clearly touched by Louis-bot’s sensitivity to her needs, and gives him a big ole hug. But then, when he leaves, she stupidly shoves the paternity test results in her drawer, as opposed to shredding them, or throwing them away.
Whether or not the results actually CONFIRM Louis-bot as the father, the fact that Blair has so poorly hidden her paternity test makes me feel as though part of her is subconsciously trying to sabotage her so-called fairytale, by increasing the odds that Louis-bot will find the test results. Even if they do confirm that he’s the father, the test results will undoubtedly show Louis-bot that the baby’s paternity was doubted. And if they confirm that Chuck is the father, well . . .
Speaking of Chuck, remember how I said that the last scene of the episode, was by far the most heartbreaking. Well, it involves Chuck, lying in bed, finally able to feel the wounds he sustained in his chest, as a result of the motorcycle accident. He clutches his side, as tears roll down his cheeks, emphasizing that the realization that he may have lost Blair forever has cured his aversion disorder. But more than anything, Chuck’s heart hurts, and he’s holding that for dear life.
That’s when Monkey, Chuck’s new best friend and ultimate wingman, sweetly hops up on the bed to comfort Chuck. First, he rests his head on Chuck’s stomach. But then, seeing that this is not enough to staunch his new master’s pain, he places his head on Chuck’s chest, as Chuck holds his new pet close, kisses him on the forehead, and finds himself finally able to cry in earnest for the one true love of his life . . .
Grab your Kleenex, because I’ve provided you a link to what is surely going to go down in history, as one of GG’s most memorable and heartbreakingly beautiful scenes, right here:
And that’s all she wrote GG fans. But if you want to get a peak at what HE wrote, check out this promo for next week’s GG installment, entitled, “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan,” here:
Until next time, Upper East Siders. And please, while you wait, whatever you do, don’t spank your Monkey!
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 