“This site is cursed!” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Stolen Kisses”

[Hey there, Werebangers!  Your recap for Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield” is on its way!  It should be posted by early evening, at the latest.  Thanks for your patience! :)]

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Aria both learn how “the other half lives” (and by “other half,” I mean “stinking filthy rich half”), Hanna reads a lot of really big words from a bunch of really little note cards, everybody and their brother hit on Emily, and a whole lot of people experience . . . wait for it . . . “stolen kisses.”

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P.S. WRREEEEEEENNN!!!! (Dude sure does get around, doesn’t he?)

Let’s review, shall we?

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“The Great Fitzy” by Ezra . . . Fitzgerald?

Ahh, Fitzy.

Technically, we’ve known the guy since the pilot episode.  And yet, he is still such an enigma.  I mean, sure, we know he writes crappy poetry . . . enjoys bike riding, while wearing scandalously short shorts . . .

On second thought, maybe not so short . . .

. . . keeps hairy limes in his fridge . . .

. . .  and has a psychopathic ex-girlfriend named Jackie, who occasionally makes him utter serial killer lines like this . . .

But what else do we REALLY know about this ex-high school English teacher, turned ex-college professor turned . . . future “journalist?”

Actually, this week we got to add quite a few important pieces of information to our dossier entitled “Fitzy.”  For instance:

(1) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 1: His last name is actually “Fitzgerald.”

You know, like the guy who wrote “The Great Gatsby,” i.e. the book about all the rich, shallow and snooty people now a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio.  This actually brings me to my next point . . .

(2) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 2:  He’s actually filthy rich . . . or, at least, his parents are . . .

It looks like everyone’s favorite former teacher, has been holding out a bit on Aria  . . . dining on Ramen Noodles with her, and slurping generic brand soda, when they could have been eating caviar (which is, in his defense, is gross, anyway) and sipping champagne.  At least this kind-of / sort of explains, the unemployed guy’s recent penchant for expensive antique cameras, and fancy cars (though, of course, the jury is still out on those). . . .

Oh, and remember that time that Fitzy picked up Aria in a limousine for their “first date” to the Philadelphia museum?  Suddenly, that’s making a whole lot more sense too . . .

Of course, the discovery Fitzy’s flush finances brings about an even more interesting question.  Why does he live like such a poor slob, when he can live like a royal?  Yeah . . . about that . . .

(3) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 3: Fitzy’s Mommy is the Rich B*tch Mom Archetype from Every Movie or TV Show You Have Ever Seen . . .

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  Rich Boy / Girl falls in love with Not-so-Rich Girl / Boy, but Rich Boy / Girl’s parents don’t approve of the relationship.  So, they try to sabotage it in the only way they know how, by throwing money at the problem.  It’s pretty much the least original relationship storyline ever.

And yet, this particular tale of upper class meets upper-middle class “star crossed lovers” has much less to do with why Fitzy’s family sucks so bad, and more to do with what it says about Fitzy and Aria as human beings.  Those of us (myself included), who have occasionally criticized Fitzy for lacking a bit of a backbone, were undoubtedly pleasantly surprised this week, when he immediately stood up to his mother on Aria’s behalf, even if that meant shunning wealth and a family connection.  So, often in these type of stories, we see the “rich love interest” caving to his or her callous family’s demands.  Not so here.

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On another positive note, those of us who have occasionally criticized Aria for being a bit self-absorbed, were also pleasantly surprised to see her taking to heart some of the not entirely untrue criticisms Fitzy’s mom lodged at her, during the art benefit.  After all, while Fitzy did personally choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Aria, despite the risks it held for his teaching career, it must be said that had he never met or dated Aria, he’d still likely be teaching English at Rosewood.  Though it came from a judgmental and manipulative source, it was refreshing seeing Aria maturely evaluate the role she is playing in Fitzy’s life.  It shows just how much she really cares about him.

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You know, these two crazy kids  . . . well, this one crazy kid, and this other crazy adult . . . might just make it after all . . .

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A third refreshing turn of events in this storyline.   For once, Papa Montgomery actually wasn’t a total douchenozzle!  Way to be a decent dad, by reminding your daughter that she plays a positive role in her boyfriend’s life, despite the fact that said boyfriend is someone you, personally, hate.

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I’m still glad Mama Montgomery is dumping your ass for the American Pie Guy though . . .

In other relationship news . . .

If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it’s in her . . . flask?

Why is Emily’s Lost Night at the Gravesite storyline, suddenly becoming the gay girl’s version of the Hangover movies?

First she was in Jenna’s car, then she was at some diner, now, apparently she was sucking face at Paige’s house, then she may or may not have helped dig up her ex best friend’s grave.  For a girl who was roofied to the point of almost unconsciousness, Emily Fields sure was a busy little beaver, wasn’t she?  (No pun intended.)

Anywhoo, when Emily tries to apologizes to Paige for inadvertently drugging her into a jealous cupcake spitting rage with her Flask of Truth, she learns that Paige has been keeping a Very Big Secret from her.  Apparently, on the Night that Shall Not Be Named but we are going to keep bringing it up anyway, Emily found herself on Paige’s doorstep, drugged out of her mind.  This of course, did not stop Emily from sticking her tongue down Paige’s throat.  And it certainly didn’t stop Paige from letting Emily stick her tongue down Paige’s throat, even though, afterward she felt incredibly guilty for doing so . . .

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I know a lot of fans were kind of harsh on Paige for letting Emily make out with her, when she was so clearly not in her right state of mind.  And, as many of you know, I’m far from Paige’s biggest fan, especially after the whole “Trying to Drown Emily” thing.

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*dunk, gurgle, gurgle, glug*

That said, anyone who has experienced unrequited crushing can certainly relate to how difficult it would be to stop the object of your affection from kissing you, when its something you’ve wanted for so long.

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Now, I think I’d feel much differently about the situation, had Paige and Emily done more than kiss that night.  But simply allowing an inebriated person to make out with you, is not a crime.  Anyone who’s been to a high school or college party can tell you that.

However, Paige’s decision to hide this important information from Emily for as long as she did is a bit suspect in my eyes.  Also suspect?  Emily’s rationale that because she made out with Paige while nearly unconscious, she must secretly looooooove her.

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’m a firm believer in the fact that people shouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior.  Being drunk might lower your inhibitions, but it doesn’t completely deprive you of control of your own mind, and bodily functions.  (Well, at least most bodily functions . . .)

People who do things while drunk should not be excused from taking responsibility for them when sober.

That said, I think it’s safe to say Emily was more than just “drunk” on the night in question.  And because of her state, things happened to her over which she clearly had no control.  We know that a sober Emily would never have left her PLL friends to get into a car with not-blind Jenna.  And she certainly wouldn’t have chosen to hover over Ali’s open, recently robbed, grave with a shovel.  So, maybe, just maybe, Emily should take her actions on the Lost Night with a grain of salt . . .

“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gravedigger, but she ain’t messin’ with no corpsey corpse .  . .”

Then again, had she done that, us fans wouldn’t have been treated to this awesome Olympic quality late night synchronized swimming session  . . .

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Step aside, Michael Phelps!

Meanwhile . . .

In which Nate gets creepier, Toby gets madder, and Caleb gets a WHOLE lot richer . . .

The obvious serial killer psychosis of Maya’s supposed cousin Nate continues to both intrigue and frighten me.  If you recall, it was Nate’s idea that Emily probably acted out her subconscious desires while under the influence.

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And while, as I said, his statement wasn’t entirely incorrect, Nate’s assertion that people who do “bad things” in their dreams, are the same as people who do bad things in real life sounded like a guy trying to justify his own bad acts . . . his own “murderous” acts, perhaps?

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I mean, really, who besides a killer could argue that thinking about killing somebody is just as bad as actually killing somebody?

In other creepy Nate says news, Nate memorably noted that he could “totally see himself” committing murder,  when he saw Garrett that day at the hospital, even going as far as saying that the Police Boy was “better of dead.”  Once again, Nate seems to be attempting to rationalize away murder as something “anybody could do.”

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Couple that with the guy skulking around Emily’s and Maya’s lakehouse, and hijacking Emily’s personal memories of Maya as his own (“OH!  We used to do that too!”), and we are starting to get a pretty frightening picture of who this guy might be . . .

In light of the PLL girl’s recent discovery that Maya was seen getting into Police Boy’s Police Car on the day of her death, and the hints we’ve received lately, both from Mona, and Maya herself,  that she “knew” a secret about Ali’s death, I have a new theory about Maya’s last moments.  Wanna hear it?

Sure you do!

OK . . . so now I’m thinking that Maya found out about Ali having a murderous twin who really killed Alison, and decided to bring that information to the cops, hence her secret rendezvous with Police Boy Garrett.  The only problem was that secret camp stalker boy Nate, saw these two together, and assumed they were hooking up.  So, Nate kills Maya in a jealous rage, and is only too relieved when the deed is pinned on the police boy he hates . . .

Sounds pretty plausible, right?

Speaking of rages, Abs Toby is PISSED at Spencer for unwittingly making him a fellow Obstructer (Is that a real word?) of Justice regarding that whole “hit and run” thing that happened with Drunken Jason and his car . . . especially, now that Drunken Jason seems to be MIA . . .

Fortunately, for Spencer, she has another boy toy, with which to buy her time.  And it’s . . . wait for it . .  . CALEB!

That’s right!  Hanna’s ex-beau has been logging in some serious bonding time with Rosewood favorite super sleuth, as the two worked together to crack the code of Maya’s website.  (Even though we all know the password was “IMMD,” anyway!)  Truth be told,  Caleb and Spencer used to not really have all that much in common, considering that Spencer spent her spare time in country clubs, and Caleb slept in the school library.  But now that Caleb wears $400 sweaters, and drives some fancy schmancy car, they, apparently, have plenty to talk about .  . .

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Now, in Caleb’s defense, he promises that the reason he’s helping Spencer crack Maya’s code (that sounds a little dirty) is to protect Hanna.

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But as we all know, on PLL, good intentions always seem to lead to making out with someone you shouldn’t . . .

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 . . . which leads me to . . .

Now, Mona won’t have to “Miss (Her) Dolls”

It’s a bit ironic that while Spencer is spending quality time with Hanna’s ex beau, Hanna ends up locking lips with one of Spencer’s.  It all stars when Doctor Sexy Pants Wren approaches Hanna with the “bad” news that Mona is going to be relocated to another nuthouse, if Hanna doesn’t speak on her behalf.

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Sheesh!  Hanna really must be the most forgiving person ON THE PLANET.  I mean, if someone tried to ruin my life, and kill ME, you could be damn sure, I wouldn’t be appearing before some medical board in a suit, talking about how much I wanted to keep that person living down the street from me, as opposed to “far, far away” where she belongs.

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I don’t know, I think brown rat asses are kind of cute!

Nevertheless, Hanna’s initially rehearsed, but, eventually extemporaneous, plea to allow Mona to stay at Radley, was oddly sweet and touching .  . .

. . . you know . . . if you ignore completely the fact that Mona is a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH . . .

After the speech is over, Wren comes to Hanna to share with her the good news.  Crazy Town Mona is HERE TO STAY!  Umm, yay?

Well, Hanna certainly seems thrilled with the results of her presentation . . . so, thrilled, in fact, that she plants a big juicy wet smooch on Wren’s lips.

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Ahhh . . . well, I certainly can’t blame anyone for making out with that adorable, delectable Brit.  And if a relationship with Hanna, means more Wren on my TV screen, then, of course, I’m all for it.

But I have to say, I think Wren has much more chemistry with Spencer . . .

And Hanna has much more chemistry with Caleb . . .

. . . than Wren and Hanna do with one another.  Does anyone else agree?

And the Password to Maya’s Super Morbid Secret Site is . . . ummm . . .

As I hinted at earlier, this week was also the week we finally got a peek at Maya’s password-locked website, which ended up somewhat of a cross between a private YouTube account,  and a Facebook page,  filled as it was with quirky, cute, video diaries, and a whole lot of pictures of Emily and Maya together.  At this point, I suspect the series has really only scratched the surface of what sort of easter eggs the Masssugar.com site has in regard to Maya’s secrets / final days on Earth.

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Of course, we got the obligatory, Morbid / Unintentionally Frightening videos you always see on the type of shows where the main characters are investigating the personal thoughts of the recently deceased.  For example, Maya eerily predicting that her own website was “cursed,” and her ironic proclamation that she’s “always losing things.”

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But I suspect the video that will become most important is the one of a frightened and tearful Maya (dressed in the same outfit she was wearing shortly after she came home from “camp”) talking about no longer being afraid,  and finally revealing her secrets.

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The question is WHAT secrets was she planning to reveal.  Were they the ones about her stalker Nate?  Or were they the one’s about Ali and her secret crazy twin?  And were those secrets dangerous enough, that someone would kill her rather than risk having them revealed?

The plot . . . it thickens.

Speaking of thick, like many fans (including my awesome pal Sassy Fran, who did a kickass video blog of the episode this week), I was kind of annoyed at my PLL girls for pretty blatantly ignoring some of Mona’s most important coded clues from last week, i.e. Maya Knew, and PW: IMMD.  Since Caleb got into Maya’s site through “back door” methods, we never did get to find out whether either of these were the password for Maya’s site.

I suspect Marlene King and Co. are waiting for a later episode to reveal the importance of these clues.  That said, since Mona DID mention them last week, and most fans picked up on them, almost immediately thereafter, I think the writers were remiss in not, at least, acknowledging there existence.

But hey, what I do I know?  I’m just a lazy recapper . . .

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Anywhoo, that was “Stolen Kisses” in a nutshell.  Next week on PLL . . .

As Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh ROH!”

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Eye Spy – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Kingdom of the Blind”

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I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week.  She didn’t take it well . . . 

Que Pasa, My Pretties!  Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?

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This week on PLL, quite a few supporting characters found their lives caught in an ever-growing web of Big Fat Fibs.

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Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!

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That Rosewood . . . it sure is a wild and wacky place.  Let’s review, shall we?

In which Lucas and Caleb Swap Personalities . . .

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So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”

Ahhh .  . . those were the good old days.  And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .

. . .  I miss my adorkable stud muffin .  . . A LOT.

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But I digress . . . the episode begins with Lucas getting reamed out by his principal, for having a BAAAD attitude, and getting BAAAAAD grades.

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 Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something.  And yet, somehow I doubt it . . .  A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.

Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan.  (That’s right, Lucas!  You show that trashcan who’s boss!)

Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter.  And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna.  It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .

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Apparently,  Caleb stopped hanging out with Lucas . . .

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. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.

This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.

Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?  These two just totally did a personality swap . . .  kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .

Now, Caleb,  a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.

And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.

Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past,  bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?

The plot . . . it thickens . . .

Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .

In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .

So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her.  This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.

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As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.

We don’t get much for free in this world.  And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .

But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change.  It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.

In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.

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When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .

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 . . .  which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . .  .

Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!

Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .

In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .

Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable,  crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.

It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.

B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late,  seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.

Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”

You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes.  After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right?  At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.

Except,  as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident.  This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS.  And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.

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The question is why?  And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.

Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby?  Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?

Or this . . .

We may never know . . .

In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .

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Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”

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It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE.  You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.

(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo.  This might be one of the reasons why.)

And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.

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Hanna TOTALLY jumped the gun here.

And that speech Blind Jenna gave, about faking blind to PROTECT herself from “A?”

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  If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger.  I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .

Riiiight . . .

In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .

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But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona.  Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?

You just never know what you’re going to get with her.  One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .

. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength.  Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”

Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .

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 . . . gossiping with Hanna, having secret meetings with BAAAD Lucas, and teaching Caleb how to play solitaire, while giving him makeout advice . . .

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But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again.  Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?

Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)

In which A drinks coffin vodka .  . . EWWW!

Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode .  . . the “A” team moment.  We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia.  There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.

Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.

Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.

I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .

. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.

But still, did “A” really have to drink it?  That’s just gross . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hey Ian! How’s it Hanging? – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Season Finale “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

 

When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.”  Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .

Ummm . . . nice scarf?

Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week.  In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes,  downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.”  (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly “SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)

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OK . . .  maybe that was putting it less than kindly.

So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties?  Let’s get that bell tolling!

Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star

Hanna:  “Wait to go, Tobster!  Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”

Spencer:  “Shut up!  He’s mine!  You already have three love interests!”

Hanna:  “Come on!  I only have TWO!  Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”

The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week.  The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died.  In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby .  . .

And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)

In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . “play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.” 

“Wow!  I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”

By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? —  Incestuous Sociopath FAIL! 

*sings*  “I once was lost, but now I’m found.  I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”

(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT.  So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)

Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos.  In hindsight, this was probably a mistake.  After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna.  Like, this GUY, perhaps?

“Oh no!  If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”

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As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour.  And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death. 

But what if Blind Jenna is “A”?  Are the girls walking into a trap? 

Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E

This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .

Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer.  Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.”  And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home. 

Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating or even vaguely interesting questions at all!  (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!) 

But WAIT!  There’s more!  Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution (except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!

What’s more?  Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college, and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants.  So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and .  . . visit her bedroom.

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And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms!  (Right, Abs Toby?)

But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .

Uh Oh!

It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.”  In fact, she TEACHES at the college too! 

To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching. 

(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy!  Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)

But, hey!  At least you got inside her bedroom!  That’s gotta count for something, right?

In other BAD news . . .

None of my Exes Live in Texas .  . .

Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year.  Poor Emily!  What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?

And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas?  Will Emily have to change her “look,” in order to fit in there?

 

Tune in next season when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!

In other news . . .

Marry me, Lucas!

LUCAS IS BACK!

And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place.  When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back  .  . .

Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture.  But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her.  After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her  . . .

Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna!  You might still be able to find it!

 . . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb.  Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the not particularly effective ripping.  When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.

Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me.  After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her.  So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb?  After all,  just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?

HUH?

I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum:  (1)  Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for.  And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy.  And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart.  She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.

“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities.  Because I can’t count any higher than that.”

Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna.  He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.

“Why are you doing this for me?”  Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.

“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.”  “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.

(*Sigh!*  Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)

OK . . . I’m back!  Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .

. . .  Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone.  Oops!

You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week.  After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .

The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)

Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love.  The PLL girls want answers from Jenna.  They think they are  entitled to them.  They want the TRUTH!

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As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .

(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident?  Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged?  Her face burned and bruised?  I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing!  Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free.  Because I’m getting admittted!)

So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.”  She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw  earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby.  “The guy I like likes to make movies.  I thought they were just about me.  As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,”  Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).

 Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video.  But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said. 

“Really Jenna?  You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’   Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety?  I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do, and I am one of them.”

Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali.  Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day.  And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER!  (Aha!  So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)

After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian.  Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”

“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single?  I’m looking to mingle!”

But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing.  Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?”  Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house.  Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives.  But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen.  Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .

Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT!  Not YOU TOO!  Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?

I stand corrected!

Nice Knowing Ya, Ian!  (But, not really . . .)

“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”

So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church.  But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be  . . . entirely human.

Awww!  He looks just like his dad!

Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive.  They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.)  In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive. 

Hanna:  “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”

Aria:  “What do you THINK?”

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Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation.  Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure.  Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives  .  . .

. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are.  (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)

Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .

Hey there, Sexy?  Who are YOU?  And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?

Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.  He’s WAY HOTTER!  Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf. 

Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars?  Ummm . . . I don’t think so!

Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . .  yeah.  (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)

Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .

This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . .  . interview(?). 

(Wait . . .  if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too?  Lazy pregnant biatch!)

Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away.  Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.”  In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.  (Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)

Then, of course, the two makeout .  . . again . . .

Never .  . . gets . . . old.

Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church. 

“Wahhhh, MY PHONE!  Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband!  Wahhhhh you’re mean to me!  Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!  Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!“

Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?).  Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her.   But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby.  So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone.  (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway!  Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)

“Oh, please!  The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway!  At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”

So, Spencer heads back to the church.  And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!

You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out.  Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House that he may have trapped her in, in the first place?  Well, all that is GONE in this scene.  Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode! 

“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.

Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child.  (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident.  Interesting . . .)

So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers. 

Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating  flashdrive (makes some fairly lame “home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL”  tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.

Wait . . . WHAT?  You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer!  I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!

Oops!

Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .

ARIA:  “Crap!  I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”

EMILY:  “Don’t worry!  It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”

This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer.  (I hope you recorded that, Emily!) 

Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying.  And I STILL don’t think I got it all down.  Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide.  He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.

There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue: 

(1)  He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death.  While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.”  This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.  

 (2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa.  Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)?  Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?

It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!

The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand.  Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower.  In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life.  Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding.  What happens next is pretty shocking.  (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!)  A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding.  And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death.   Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung. 

Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building.  They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .

Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!

But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!

In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .

And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is.  Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A

Oh boy!  Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season!  Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1.  So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties!  Start sleuthing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

This Used to Be a Funhouse (But Now it’s Filled with Evil Clowns) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Monsters in the End”

Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?

(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink.  To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here.  But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned.  There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)

Hey there, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying!  No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 . . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!

So, are you ready to relive the fear?  Let’s get on with the recap . . .

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me.  (And I Have No Privacy.)”

The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney.  Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.”  And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!).  But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . .  BIG TIME!)

Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts.  Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games.  Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb. 

The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them.  (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?)  Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!).  However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers  . . .

“Got a secret?  Can you keep it (in your pants)?”

As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window.  She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched.  Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .

As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .

Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .

I have a question for you ladies out there.  When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?”  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook.  Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week.  Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week. 

So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.”  What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .

OK.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION??  Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire?  She looks insane!

And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge.  (I guess ignorance runs in that family.)  Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .

“Ohhhh no!  You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch!  Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”

This, of course, brings me back to my main story.  Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school.  While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop.   And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .

Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA?  (Maybe SHE’S A!)

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day!  And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!

Oh Fitzy!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!

“What was his status update?  Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?”  Spencer snarks.

Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).

“Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”

And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .

But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it.  So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .

Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department.  Was I the only one?  According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago.  He proposed to her in Italy.  She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.”  And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page. 

Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do:  rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating?  I mean, seriously!  What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”

Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his mid-life crisis future.  And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .

Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.”  (Just imagine the paper cuts!)

Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later).   The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .

Oh Fitzy!  You have some ‘splaining to do  . . . AGAIN!

In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY?  You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night.  Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz!  Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!

Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Caleb!  (For good?)

As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna.  To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done.  Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.”  (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)

Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key”  that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered.  “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.

“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.

Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother.  You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!) 

In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna.  But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb.  And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival”  to say goodbye to Hanna in person.  (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars?  Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?) 

“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!”  Mama Marin instructs.

So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into .  . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!

Can they just MURDER this chick, already?  Seriously!  Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .

Because Hanna won’t talk to him again and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf.  So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter.  Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .

She then pours her soda all over it.  Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter.  Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being.  Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese.  So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE.  And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .

Seriously!  Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?

When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change.  So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye.  And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna.  (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)

Sorry Hanna!  It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again  . . .

Source

(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF!  RANDOM!)

Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .

Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .

This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . .  and that’s just tonight!

Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet.  This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends.  A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together  . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS! 

When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore .  . .

Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .

They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors.  Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.”  When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .

The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival .  (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR!  Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.) 

At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season.  And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.

As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago.  This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected.  But, then, why would Melissa cover for him?  Verrrrry interesting!

Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever!  But Spencer goes anyway.  And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .

If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.

Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?

The question is:  Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?”  She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .

Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark.  In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true!  (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)

Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously.  But no one seems to hear her.  Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her.  And then she sees THIS . . .

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND!  HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”

So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO?  HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse?  WTF?

Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene.  He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way.  And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place.  But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt.  Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂

After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion.  Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit!  And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .

Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian!  Be VERY JEALOUS!

It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!

Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .

I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS!  He’s on TWITTER!  And FACEBOOK!  And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE! 

Life is GOOD AGAIN!

OK .  .  . back to the show . . .

Paige . . . You’re FIRED!

Silly Paige!  Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?

Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week.  Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.”  Once again, she contemplated “coming out.”  This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop,  so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad.  Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.”  Emily agreed.  But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!

When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS.  But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place.  Deciding that Paige has awful hair!  is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.

Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige.  She then gets another one from “A,”  informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep.  I SMELL A FLASHBACK!

It’s now a year prior.  Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires.  Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift.  “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali.  “It’s more valuable than it looks.”

Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe.  And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM.  Something is inside.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!

Score!

Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker.  So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there.  Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment.  But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . .  (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)

Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic.  (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!)  Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS?  First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)

“Ughhh!  She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”

Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops.  On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .

The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker.  This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)

Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense.  It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark.  What more could a PLL fan ask for?  (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]