Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid. The world as we know it clearly has ended. Let’s review, shall we?
I Dream of Evil . . .
Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .
Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew. On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby. After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity. And let us not forget THOSE ABS!
And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful. He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.
Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?
Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .
Parental Guidance Suggested
For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental . . . (and sometimes all of the above)
*clears throat*
. . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction. Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.
“Can I offer you a hug? Or perhaps a cookie?”
Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school. This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!
Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!
Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . . being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . . accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . . leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?
But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?
The Ali Diaries, Part 26
For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she? I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!
Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart. But that’s just me . . .
At their regular morning Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.
In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .
But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be? Was it THIS GUY?
He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day . . . (Get it? Hang out? I guess you had to be there.)
Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode? Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?
One person it definitely not was Abs Toby. Why? Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .
“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”
“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”
We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback. And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead. Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .
In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL. In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .
Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer. In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.
“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself. “You’re just depressed. For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”
Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .
Well that’s one mystery solved . . .
“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND? YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA. OK! WHAT? NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”
So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?
And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?
Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.” Caleb was the culprit!
It makes sense, when you think about it. After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . . before he found out he had a magically rich mom? Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff! Boy’s gotta eat, right?
Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .
Just a thought.
Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.
This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible
“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”
Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read. Spencer totally flips out in English class! Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.
“Was it something I made you read?”
Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .
“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”
Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf. And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school. Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there. Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?
Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty. And it’s a really powerful moment. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?
Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria . . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .
Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .
Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch. (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.
ARIA: “What? You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder. April Fools . . . in February!”
Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due. Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances. Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding. By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.
Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself? What can I say? I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!
Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .
Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism
When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series. Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.
Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!
At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!
“You B*TCH! Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”
Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all. Off to the pokey you go, girl! But not to worry! Emily is waiting for you there . . .
Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?
“You again? Don’t you ever leave?”
Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!
Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .
. . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .
. . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!
Now, that’s some pretty big gossip! But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops. Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.
Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?
Here’s a better question. Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?
In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .
Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .
. . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .
. . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?
Oh dear! It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention! Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?
Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel? More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode. Come on! Don’t pretend you don’t want one!
[Hey there, Werebangers! Your recap for Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield” is on its way! It should be posted by early evening, at the latest. Thanks for your patience! :)]
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Aria both learn how “the other half lives” (and by “other half,” I mean “stinking filthy rich half”), Hanna reads a lot of really big words from a bunch of really little note cards, everybody and their brother hit on Emily, and a whole lot of people experience . . . wait for it . . . “stolen kisses.”
Technically, we’ve known the guy since the pilot episode. And yet, he is still such an enigma. I mean, sure, we know he writes crappy poetry . . . enjoys bike riding, while wearing scandalously short shorts . . .
On second thought, maybe not so short . . .
. . . keeps hairy limes in his fridge . . .
. . . and has a psychopathic ex-girlfriend named Jackie, who occasionally makes him utter serial killer lines like this . . .
But what else do we REALLY know about this ex-high school English teacher, turned ex-college professor turned . . . future “journalist?”
Actually, this week we got to add quite a few important pieces of information to our dossier entitled “Fitzy.” For instance:
(1) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 1: His last name is actually “Fitzgerald.”
You know, like the guy who wrote “The Great Gatsby,” i.e. the book about all the rich, shallow and snooty people now a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio. This actually brings me to my next point . . .
(2) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 2: He’s actually filthy rich . . . or, at least, his parents are . . .
It looks like everyone’s favorite former teacher, has been holding out a bit on Aria . . . dining on Ramen Noodles with her, and slurping generic brand soda, when they could have been eating caviar (which is, in his defense, is gross, anyway) and sipping champagne. At least this kind-of / sort of explains, the unemployed guy’s recent penchant for expensive antique cameras, and fancy cars (though, of course, the jury is still out on those). . . .
Oh, and remember that time that Fitzy picked up Aria in a limousine for their “first date” to the Philadelphia museum? Suddenly, that’s making a whole lot more sense too . . .
Of course, the discovery Fitzy’s flush finances brings about an even more interesting question. Why does he live like such a poor slob, when he can live like a royal? Yeah . . . about that . . .
(3) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 3: Fitzy’s Mommy is the Rich B*tch Mom Archetype from Every Movie or TV Show You Have Ever Seen . . .
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Rich Boy / Girl falls in love with Not-so-Rich Girl / Boy, but Rich Boy / Girl’s parents don’t approve of the relationship. So, they try to sabotage it in the only way they know how, by throwing money at the problem. It’s pretty much the least original relationship storyline ever.
And yet, this particular tale of upper class meets upper-middle class “star crossed lovers” has much less to do with why Fitzy’s family sucks so bad, and more to do with what it says about Fitzy and Aria as human beings. Those of us (myself included), who have occasionally criticized Fitzy for lacking a bit of a backbone, were undoubtedly pleasantly surprised this week, when he immediately stood up to his mother on Aria’s behalf, even if that meant shunning wealth and a family connection. So, often in these type of stories, we see the “rich love interest” caving to his or her callous family’s demands. Not so here.
On another positive note, those of us who have occasionally criticized Aria for being a bit self-absorbed, were also pleasantly surprised to see her taking to heart some of the not entirely untrue criticisms Fitzy’s mom lodged at her, during the art benefit. After all, while Fitzy did personally choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Aria, despite the risks it held for his teaching career, it must be said that had he never met or dated Aria, he’d still likely be teaching English at Rosewood. Though it came from a judgmental and manipulative source, it was refreshing seeing Aria maturely evaluate the role she is playing in Fitzy’s life. It shows just how much she really cares about him.
A third refreshing turn of events in this storyline. For once, Papa Montgomery actually wasn’t a total douchenozzle! Way to be a decent dad, by reminding your daughter that she plays a positive role in her boyfriend’s life, despite the fact that said boyfriend is someone you, personally, hate.
I’m still glad Mama Montgomery is dumping your ass for the American Pie Guy though . . .
In other relationship news . . .
If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it’s in her . . . flask?
Why is Emily’s Lost Night at the Gravesite storyline, suddenly becoming the gay girl’s version of the Hangover movies?
First she was in Jenna’s car, then she was at some diner, now, apparently she was sucking face at Paige’s house, then she may or may not have helped dig up her ex best friend’s grave. For a girl who was roofied to the point of almost unconsciousness, Emily Fields sure was a busy little beaver, wasn’t she? (No pun intended.)
Anywhoo, when Emily tries to apologizes to Paige for inadvertently drugging her into a jealous cupcake spitting rage with her Flask of Truth, she learns that Paige has been keeping a Very Big Secret from her. Apparently, on the Night that Shall Not Be Named but we are going to keep bringing it up anyway, Emily found herself on Paige’s doorstep, drugged out of her mind. This of course, did not stop Emily from sticking her tongue down Paige’s throat. And it certainly didn’t stop Paige from letting Emily stick her tongue down Paige’s throat, even though, afterward she felt incredibly guilty for doing so . . .
I know a lot of fans were kind of harsh on Paige for letting Emily make out with her, when she was so clearly not in her right state of mind. And, as many of you know, I’m far from Paige’s biggest fan, especially after the whole “Trying to Drown Emily” thing.
That said, anyone who has experienced unrequited crushing can certainly relate to how difficult it would be to stop the object of your affection from kissing you, when its something you’ve wanted for so long.
Now, I think I’d feel much differently about the situation, had Paige and Emily done more than kiss that night. But simply allowing an inebriated person to make out with you, is not a crime. Anyone who’s been to a high school or college party can tell you that.
However, Paige’s decision to hide this important information from Emily for as long as she did is a bit suspect in my eyes. Also suspect? Emily’s rationale that because she made out with Paige while nearly unconscious, she must secretly looooooove her.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m a firm believer in the fact that people shouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior. Being drunk might lower your inhibitions, but it doesn’t completely deprive you of control of your own mind, and bodily functions. (Well, at least most bodily functions . . .)
People who do things while drunk should not be excused from taking responsibility for them when sober.
That said, I think it’s safe to say Emily was more than just “drunk” on the night in question. And because of her state, things happened to her over which she clearly had no control. We know that a sober Emily would never have left her PLL friends to get into a car with not-blind Jenna. And she certainly wouldn’t have chosen to hover over Ali’s open, recently robbed, grave with a shovel. So, maybe, just maybe, Emily should take her actions on the Lost Night with a grain of salt . . .
“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gravedigger, but she ain’t messin’ with no corpsey corpse . . .”
Then again, had she done that, us fans wouldn’t have been treated to this awesome Olympic quality late night synchronized swimming session . . .
In which Nate gets creepier, Toby gets madder, and Caleb gets a WHOLE lot richer . . .
The obvious serial killer psychosis of Maya’s supposed cousin Nate continues to both intrigue and frighten me. If you recall, it was Nate’s idea that Emily probably acted out her subconscious desires while under the influence.
And while, as I said, his statement wasn’t entirely incorrect, Nate’s assertion that people who do “bad things” in their dreams, are the same as people who do bad things in real life sounded like a guy trying to justify his own bad acts . . . his own “murderous” acts, perhaps?
I mean, really, who besides a killer could argue that thinking about killing somebody is just as bad as actually killing somebody?
In other creepy Nate says news, Nate memorably noted that he could “totally see himself” committing murder, when he saw Garrett that day at the hospital, even going as far as saying that the Police Boy was “better of dead.” Once again, Nate seems to be attempting to rationalize away murder as something “anybody could do.”
Couple that with the guy skulking around Emily’s and Maya’s lakehouse, and hijacking Emily’s personal memories of Maya as his own (“OH! We used to do that too!”), and we are starting to get a pretty frightening picture of who this guy might be . . .
In light of the PLL girl’s recent discovery that Maya was seen getting into Police Boy’s Police Car on the day of her death, and the hints we’ve received lately, both from Mona, and Maya herself, that she “knew” a secret about Ali’s death, I have a new theory about Maya’s last moments. Wanna hear it?
Sure you do!
OK . . . so now I’m thinking that Maya found out about Ali having a murderous twin who really killed Alison, and decided to bring that information to the cops, hence her secret rendezvous with Police Boy Garrett. The only problem was that secret camp stalker boy Nate, saw these two together, and assumed they were hooking up. So, Nate kills Maya in a jealous rage, and is only too relieved when the deed is pinned on the police boy he hates . . .
Sounds pretty plausible, right?
Speaking of rages, Abs Toby is PISSED at Spencer for unwittingly making him a fellow Obstructer (Is that a real word?) of Justice regarding that whole “hit and run” thing that happened with Drunken Jason and his car . . . especially, now that Drunken Jason seems to be MIA . . .
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has another boy toy, with which to buy her time. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . CALEB!
That’s right! Hanna’s ex-beau has been logging in some serious bonding time with Rosewood favorite super sleuth, as the two worked together to crack the code of Maya’s website. (Even though we all know the password was “IMMD,” anyway!) Truth be told, Caleb and Spencer used to not really have all that much in common, considering that Spencer spent her spare time in country clubs, and Caleb slept in the school library. But now that Caleb wears $400 sweaters, and drives some fancy schmancy car, they, apparently, have plenty to talk about . . .
It’s a bit ironic that while Spencer is spending quality time with Hanna’s ex beau, Hanna ends up locking lips with one of Spencer’s. It all stars when Doctor Sexy Pants Wren approaches Hanna with the “bad” news that Mona is going to be relocated to another nuthouse, if Hanna doesn’t speak on her behalf.
Sheesh! Hanna really must be the most forgiving person ON THE PLANET. I mean, if someone tried to ruin my life, and kill ME, you could be damn sure, I wouldn’t be appearing before some medical board in a suit, talking about how much I wanted to keep that person living down the street from me, as opposed to “far, far away” where she belongs.
I don’t know, I think brown rat asses are kind of cute!
Nevertheless, Hanna’s initially rehearsed, but, eventually extemporaneous, plea to allow Mona to stay at Radley, was oddly sweet and touching . . .
. . . you know . . . if you ignore completely the fact that Mona is a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH . . .
After the speech is over, Wren comes to Hanna to share with her the good news. Crazy Town Mona is HERE TO STAY! Umm, yay?
Well, Hanna certainly seems thrilled with the results of her presentation . . . so, thrilled, in fact, that she plants a big juicy wet smooch on Wren’s lips.
Ahhh . . . well, I certainly can’t blame anyone for making out with that adorable, delectable Brit. And if a relationship with Hanna, means more Wren on my TV screen, then, of course, I’m all for it.
But I have to say, I think Wren has much more chemistry with Spencer . . .
And Hanna has much more chemistry with Caleb . . .
. . . than Wren and Hanna do with one another. Does anyone else agree?
And the Password to Maya’s Super Morbid Secret Site is . . . ummm . . .
As I hinted at earlier, this week was also the week we finally got a peek at Maya’s password-locked website, which ended up somewhat of a cross between a private YouTube account, and a Facebook page, filled as it was with quirky, cute, video diaries, and a whole lot of pictures of Emily and Maya together. At this point, I suspect the series has really only scratched the surface of what sort of easter eggs the Masssugar.com site has in regard to Maya’s secrets / final days on Earth.
Of course, we got the obligatory, Morbid / Unintentionally Frightening videos you always see on the type of shows where the main characters are investigating the personal thoughts of the recently deceased. For example, Maya eerily predicting that her own website was “cursed,” and her ironic proclamation that she’s “always losing things.”
But I suspect the video that will become most important is the one of a frightened and tearful Maya (dressed in the same outfit she was wearing shortly after she came home from “camp”) talking about no longer being afraid, and finally revealing her secrets.
The question is WHAT secrets was she planning to reveal. Were they the ones about her stalker Nate? Or were they the one’s about Ali and her secret crazy twin? And were those secrets dangerous enough, that someone would kill her rather than risk having them revealed?
The plot . . . it thickens.
Speaking of thick, like many fans (including my awesome pal Sassy Fran, who did a kickass video blog of the episode this week), I was kind of annoyed at my PLL girls for pretty blatantly ignoring some of Mona’s most important coded clues from last week, i.e. Maya Knew, and PW: IMMD. Since Caleb got into Maya’s site through “back door” methods, we never did get to find out whether either of these were the password for Maya’s site.
I suspect Marlene King and Co. are waiting for a later episode to reveal the importance of these clues. That said, since Mona DID mention them last week, and most fans picked up on them, almost immediately thereafter, I think the writers were remiss in not, at least, acknowledging there existence.
But hey, what I do I know? I’m just a lazy recapper . . .
I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week. She didn’t take it well . . .
Que Pasa, My Pretties! Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?
Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!
So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”
Ahhh . . . those were the good old days. And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .
. . . I miss my adorkable stud muffin . . . A LOT.
Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something. And yet, somehow I doubt it . . . A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.
Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan. (That’s right, Lucas! You show that trashcan who’s boss!)
Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter. And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna. It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .
. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.
This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.
Am I the only one noticing a pattern here? These two just totally did a personality swap . . . kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .
Now, Caleb, a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.
And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.
Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past, bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?
The plot . . . it thickens . . .
Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .
In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .
So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her. This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.
As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.
We don’t get much for free in this world. And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .
But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change. It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.
In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.
When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .
. . . which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . . .
Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!
Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .
In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .
Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable, crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.
It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.
B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late, seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.
Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”
You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes. After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right? At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.
Except, as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident. This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS. And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.
The question is why? And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.
Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby? Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?
Or this . . .
We may never know . . .
In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .
Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.
So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”
It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE. You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.
(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo. This might be one of the reasons why.)
And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.
If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger. I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .
Riiiight . . .
In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .
But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona. Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?
You just never know what you’re going to get with her. One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .
. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength. Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”
Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .
But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again. Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?
Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)
In which A drinks coffin vodka . . . EWWW!
Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode . . . the “A” team moment. We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia. There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.
Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.
Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.
I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .
. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.
But still, did “A” really have to drink it? That’s just gross . . .
But don’t you worry. This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉
(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care? Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.
You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift . . . like, for example, a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .
(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?
Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt. You what you should NOT bring? Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!
[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events. What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies? Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED? Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy? Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint? So many questions . . .]
It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . . .
. . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .
. . . all because of some ugly earring in his couch cushion that your sociopath friend TOTALLY planted there, because SHE was probably secretly banging your dad too . . .
[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.
Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]
(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?
Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test. First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.
Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.
And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .
[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now. This ought to be interesting.]
(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area. Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?
And finally . . .
(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him. I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .
(12) This guy?
A TOTAL KEEPER.
And finally . . .
(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!
That’s all I’ve got folks. Until next time, my Pretties!
[ Gossip Girl’s “G.G.” and PLL’s “A Kiss Before Lying” recaps are both on their way! I wanted to take a little extra time with these. Gossip Girl just celebrated it’s 100th episode, after all. (That just doesn’t happen every day!) Check back for both recaps within the next 24 hours . . .]
Greetings TV fans! One of my absolute favorite new TV Trends is the Episode Sneak Peek, i.e. the Web Clip. More and more lately, networks are releasing key scenes from their upcoming television episodes, a week early, in hopes of generating buzz about their shows, and, possibly, increasing ratings.
The way I see it, this is a win-win situation for both the network and spoiler-loving TV viewers like myself. From the network’s perspective, it gives the corporate suits the opportunity to control which spoilers are leaked about their upcoming episode, while still giving impatient fans something to chew on, while they wait for the actual episode to air.
From the fan’s perspective, we sort of get to feel like we’re “cheating” the system, by getting the early scoop on select parts of upcoming episodes that only the most spoiler savvy of viewers get to see . . .
“Beating the system . . . one YouTube video at a time . . .”
This week, was particuarly exciting for me, because I managed to find webclips for nearly EVERY show I watch! And these aren’t just throwaway scenes, either! Some of the sneak peeks I found offer up some genuine hints as to what these shows’ upcoming episodes have in store for us.
From a torrid fairytale affair . . . to a royal wedding that positively NO ONE wants to happen . . . to a heart-wrenching betrayal . . . to a Michael Jackson-inspired sing-off . . . to an out-and-out war between two sets of vampire brothers, something tells me that this week’s television fare is going to be setting the internet a-blaze with heated discussions for weeks to come . . .
So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, This Week’s Collection of Spoilery Sneak Peaks . . .
Once Upon a Time
“I see youuuuu!”
Episode 11 – Fruit from the Poisonous Tree
Airs: Sunday, January, 28th, 8.p.m. EST on ABC
Though I was initially drawn to this fairytale fantasy, due to it’s uniquely original concept, and wealthy of unabashedly nerdy literary nods . . . the complex, and suprisingly dark, love story between Snow White, Prince Charming, and their respective Storybrook counterparts, is one of the main reasons I keep returning, after week.
How much of a role should amorphous concepts like fate, instinct, and chemistry play in one’s pursuit of happiness? Is it acceptable in life to hurt and betray others, in the name of True Love? These intriguing questions are central to Once Upon a Time, in general, and Mary Margaret’s (i.e. Snow White’s) and David’s (i.e. Prince Charming’s) story, specifically.
In this first webclip from the upcoming episode, David and Mary Margaret sneak off for a romantic forest picnic, of which their fairytale counterparts — who memorably met one another in, more or less, these same woods — would most definitely approve. And yet the happiness of this romantic reunion is shadowed by the fact that David is married to another woman, one who has been doing everything in her power to make their ailing marriage work . . .
What’s so interesting about this couple is how many complex emotions they bring about in the viewer’s subconscious. On one hand, everybody knows that Prince Charming and Snow White belong together. This is something we’ve taken for granted, since we were kids. No one else will ever be quite as right for these two individuals, as they are for one another . . .
And yet, as far Mary Margaret and David are concerned, their life is not a fairytale. They aren’t princes and princesses, but, rather, real people, with real responsibilities . . both of whom (while, generally, still loveable) have some genuine character flaws. And this raises a difficult question: Does the fact that, in alternate universe, these two individuals lived Happily Ever After, justify what they are doing in this universe?
I guess that’s really up to the viewer to decide . . .
Our second webclip introduces us to the plot that I suspect will take up the bulk of the episode. We know him as Sidney Glass, once-editor of The Mirror (Storybrooke’s local paper), and, up until this point, one of the malevolent Mayor’s strongest allies.
But in Fairytale land, he was the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror. And judging by the below scene, in both worlds, his tendency to portray the world exactly as he sees it, might end up leaving him shattered . . .
Anytime Once Upon a Time focuses an entire hour on one of its minor characters, it takes a risk of alienating fans who are watching the show, more or less, just for it’s leads (i.e. Emma, Mary Margaret, David, and the Mayor). Some minor character episodes have been highly successful, at least in my humble opinion. In fact “The Price of Gold” (which featured Cinderella’s story), and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” (which featured the now-dearly departed Sheriff Graham / The Hunter) were actually among my favorites of the entire series. And yet, other minor character episodes, like “That Still Small Voice” (about Shrink Archie Hopper, i.e. Jiminey Cricket), and “True North” (about Nicholas and Eva, i.e. Hansel and Gretel) felt a bit flat to me.
Having always been a sucker for characters who don’t always necessarily walk on the “straight and narrow,” but who, deep down, have a good heart, I found myself intrigued by Sidney Glass, ever since we met the character, early on in the series. Even though he’s definitely a minor character, I think his story has a lot of potential, particularly, if it’s written in a way that illustrates him as a darkly complex character and morally ambiguous, as opposed to just another schlub the Wicked Mayor managed to buy off . . .
Oh, and The Stranger . . . he’s TOTALLY one of the Brothers’ Grimm, looking to rewrite fairytale history. It’s SO obvious!
Gossip Girl
Episode 100, “GG”
Airs: Monday, Janury 30th at 9 pm. EST on the CW
As hit or miss as Gossip Girl has been lately, there was a time, not too long ago, when it was one of the best things on television. The clothes were eviably hipper than most of us could afford. The couplings and sexcapades were WHITE hot . . .
The plot lines ranged from laugh-out-loud funny to jaw-droppingly, OMFG, scandalous. And there were enough snappy, snarky quotable lines in each self-contained hour to . . . for lack of a better phrase . . . fill a book . . .
It’s for this reason that I am SOOOO incredibly excited about this episode’s 100th episode extravaganza. If the rumors are true, this hour of television will be jam-packed with homages to GG’s raunchiest moments, eye-popping blot twists, and most deliciously evil schemes and insults.
In short, it will be like Season 1, all over again. And I, for one, can’t wait to celebrate the show that taught me, once and for all, that “tights are NOT pants!”
Of course, there’s that little unavoidable matter of Blair’s sham of a wedding to that cyborg Price of Dull, Louis-bot . . .
Ahhh . . . Chuck Bass . . . the only man who can cross his legs, and still look masculine doing it. And that voice . . . I could listen to that voice reading a Depends commercial, and still get turned on.
Don’t worry, Chuck. Blair CANNOT go through this wedding . . . It would be positively un-holy for her to do so . . .
That said, you may want to get that adorably toned little butt of yours, over to the church, stat! Because it looks like she’s actually made her way down the aisle, without angry GG fans tackling her, in protest . . .
Pretty Little Liars
Episode 18 – “A Kiss Before Lying”
Airs: Monday, January 30th, 8.p.m. on ABC Family
When you are being stalked by the mysterious “A,” who literally knows your every move, and can ruin your life for the slightest infraction, lying is pretty much part of your “job description.”
Throughout two seasons, we’ve seen the Rosewood foursome lie to practically everybody they know about something . . . their parents, their significant others, their siblings, even the police. But when it’s revealed that one of the girls might be starting to crack under the pressure, and her boyfriend just might have the key to bringing down “A,” once and for all, the Pretty Little Liars find themselves in the unique predicament of actually having to lie to eachother . . .
Honestly, as far as webclips go, these were kind of disappointing. After all, we already knew coming in to this episode, that the rest of the PLL girls were working with Caleb to continue hacking into A’s cell phone, and that they had all controversially decided to leave Hanna out of it.
That said, the show’s Season Finale is not too far away. And with it will come the much-awaited reveal of “A’s” identity . . . Now, that we know this story actually has an endgame, the probability that the writers will drop important clues into upcoming episodes, like this one, is increasingly high . . . .
Glee
Episode 11 – “Wanna Be Startin Somethin'”
Airs: Tuesday, January 31st at 8 p.m., EST on Fox
After last week’s Yes/No episode, Gleeks were talking more about whether or not Rachel would accept Finn’s proposal of marriage, and less about the musical performances that dominated the hour.
I suspect that for this week’s episode, which will feature a homage to the works of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, the opposite will be true . . .
Truth be told, in the past Glee’s artist-centric episodes haven’t been among their best received. Both the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes were harshly panned by the critics. And, for me, Glee’s Fleetwood Mac-inspired “Rumors” stands out as one of the worst episodes in Glee history. Only the Lady Gaga-inspired episodes, “Theatricality” and “Born this Way,” seemed to manage to stay above the fray . . .
Well . . . almost . . .
All negativity aside, I actually think “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'” has the opportunity to become a Glee classic. For one thing, Michael Jackson’s soleful and diverse catalogue of music . . . combined with his flare for flamboyant costumes, and seamlessly choreographed numbers . . . seems to dovetail really well with the things that Glee does best.
Plus, whereas the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes’ so-called plotlines were eye-roll inducing in their ridiculousness. (Laughing gas induced fantasy sequences? Seriously?), the reason why all these Glee-kids are suddenly all hopped up on MJ, despite having been infants through most of his heyday actually makes sense . . .
And it’s all explained, quite succinctly, here . . .
How I adore this clip, let me count the ways . . . For one thing, I’m thrilled to see New Directions actually THINKING about their Regionals set list, ahead of time, for a change, as opposed to . . . oh, I don’t know, coming up with it five minutes before the episode actually airs?
I was also a big fan of Artie actually admitting that he was just a year old, when Michael Jackson moonwalked. (In truth, he was actually not even born yet, but I digress.) So, many times, I’ve wondered how the Glee kids’ music taste often vastly pre-dated my own (see Fleetwood Mac episode). In this case, at least the writers are inserting some recognition of that disconnect.
And I hate to say it, but I’m REALLY digging Sebastian as Glee‘s new super villain. After all, Sue Sylvester can only try to bring down Glee club so many times. And not since Jesse St. James stint with Vocal Adrenaline has the New Directions really had a worthy adversary, who wasn’t afraid to “fight dirty” to win the competition.
Speaking of worthy adversaries, there’s something incredibly enjoyable about watching Sebastian go to head-to-head with Santana. They say “Greed is Good.” But I say “Mean is Better.”
And these two have that down, in spades. Plus, dare I say it, for two gay characters, these two have an astounding amount of sexual chemistry. Don’t believe me? Check out this musical sing-off to MJ’s iconic “Smooth Criminal” . . .
(By the way, did anybody else find the cello players oddly constipated looking facial expressions during the number a bit disturbing?)
And, of course, no Glee artist-centric episode would be complete without an ensemble number in which every cast member dresses up in one of the artist-in-question’s most memorable outfits . . .
(I think Blaine is supposed to be Michael Jackson from the beginning of the Thriller video. Am I wrong?)
The Vampire Diaries
Episode 312 “Bringing Out the Dead”
Airs: Thursday, February 2nd, 8 p.m. EST on the CW
TVD webclips are notoriously heavy on Damon snark and Eye Thing, while frustratingly light on actual plot points . . .
I suspect this has to do with head writer Julie Plec being a bit of a spoilerphobe. But with good reason! After all, apart from the immensely attractive cast, and interminable shipper wars, it’s really this show’s game-changing plot twists that keep us tuning in, week after week.
This week’s webclip features a shirtless Stefan (Haven’t seen that one, in a while!) . . .
. . . and a rather smug “I kissed Elena, and you can’t take that away from me” Damon . . .
. . . doing what they do best, bickering and scheming . . .
Just to be clear, Damon and Stefan were TOTALLY eye-f*&king in this scene, weren’t they? Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that . . .
One of the things TVD does best . . . apart from it’s unimaginably erotic and unbelievably addictive love triangles, of course . . . is it’s parallels and role reversals. Last season, Elena un-daggered Elijah, in hopes of finding a way to eliminate Klaus as a threat, without hurting the people she loved.
Stefan dutifully went along with her plan. While Damon was angrily outspoken about his mistrust for the Original Vampire (with good reason, as it turns out), and ended up taking matters into his own hands, in a way that neither Elena nor Stefan approved . . .
Now, less than a year later, Damon is the one who has un-daggered Elijah . . . (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)
. . . and is now looking to him for a possible alliance. And Stefan is the mistrustful one, who’d prefer to take matters into his own hands . . .
But, of course, the parallels don’t end there. There’s also the little matter of Damon locking lips with the girl Stefan always presumed was his own . . . despite the fact that his recent behavior has made a reunion between the two former lovebirds nearly impossible.
And though, on the surface, these two brothers are fighting about vampire wars, and the efficacy of “old-fashioned” sitdowns, just beneath that surface lies a slow burn of love for the same woman, and with it, decades of jealousy, betrayal, and heartbreak . . .
That’s a whole lot of angst and complexity for one minute and 21 seconds, isn’t it? You can imagine then, how intense the rest of the hour will be . . .
And there you have it, an entire week’s worth of juicy television, condensed down into a few short webclips. I know I’ll definitely be tuning in . . . Will you?
HANNA: “Man, those dolls are ugly! Do you think they are going to crawl out of the box and try to bite our faces off? Because I am way too pretty for that . . .”
SPENCER: “Ummm . . . I don’t think this is that kind of show.”
EMILY: “Are you sure? But what about the time when A somehow entered my Alpha Bits box, and made sure it was made up of all letter ‘A’s’ . . . or the time when she INJECTED MY PAIN CREME WITH STEROIDS . . .And don’t even get me started on the time “A” SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVED Ian’s 175-plus pound dead body from the rafters of a church and carried it to who knows where, in a matter of seconds?”
ARIA: “You’re right. The DOLLS ARE ALIVE! EVERYBODY RUN!”
True Story . . . When I was about 8 or 9ish, I had a porcelain doll collection that I loved very dearly. I just thought those dolls were the most beautiful things in the world. They stayed on a shelf in my room. I had names for all of them. And I could spend hours just staring into their round little eyes, and perfect porcelain faces.
In my defense, the dolls in question looked absolutely nothing like these hideous plastic pieces of crap . . .
Then, I became old enough to watch horror movies . . . And those horror movies told me that, more likely than not, my doll collection was out to make me do terrible things and/or kill my family and friends and/or tie me to a piece of furniture, while systematically removing various body parts of mine.
So, while most teenagers and young adults were GROWING OUT of the fear that their inanimate objects possessed supernatural powers, I was GROWING INTO mine. And that’s how my once-beloved porcelain doll collection ended up, first, in the hallway closet, and then, in my basement, and finally (when I moved out of my childhood home), in a box to be shipped off to the neighbors, forever. (They were probably worth a lot of money too!)
So, what I’m basically saying is, if I was sent a doll in the mail that kind of looked like me, and told me to: stop a wedding, or travel to some desolate area for no good reason, whatsoever, or make somebody “go away,” I don’t think would follow its orders. In fact, it’s much more likely that I would SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER . . . and then go hide under my bed, for the rest of my existence . . .
Why am I telling you this? Because that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s doll-centric PLL Summer Finale. It both scared the crap out of me, and made me a little bit angry. Yet, I was simply too intrigued about what was going to happen next to look away . . .
And so, before I go back to hiding under my bed, my Pretties, I would like to share with you my FINAL PLL recap of the summer season . . .
The episode begins with three of the four PLL girls (WHERE’S EMILY?) seated, at a long table with dresses on their bodies, pusses on their faces, and strategically-placed bits of dirt on their arms and cheeks. (Only the PLL girls can take a thing like “having crap on your face” and make it look like “just another layer of foundation.”) The room in question is the swankiest police interrogation room, I have ever seen . . . complete with two-way mirror, fancy chandelier, and file cabinets, galore. There even appear to be PICTURES ON THE WALL. (Taxes in Rosewood must be SUPER HIGH to pay for this!)
“I’ll get you my Pretties, and your little boyfriends too!”
Watching the PLL girls from the other side of the two-way mirror is (SURPRISE, SURRPRISE!) Police Boy Garrett. Man, this guy is like a bad pimple! No matter how many times you think he’s gone for good, he just keeps popping back up to ruin your social life! Police Boy Garrett is having a Typical Smug Villain Conversation with Unseen Special Guest Star, who he says, will probably get a promotion for nabbing a bunch of underage chicks in frilly dresses, and mercilessly interrogating them for a murder that, supposedly, has already been solved. (Remember how “Ian” “confessed?” Well, apparently, nobody else does either . . .)
“muah hahaha! It looks like I got away with MURDER! Oh wait . . . I didn’t kill Ali either . . . and I’m also DEAD. So . . . nevermind.”
Then Unseen Special Guest Star comes to pay the ladies a personal visit. He informs them that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania. And they are “going down.” (Yes, he actually says “going down,” like someone out of a bad Spiderman comic book.) Umm . . . yeah . . . thanks for the little legal lesson, Unseen Special Guest Star. But, as “tough on crime” as the Great State of Pennsylvania may be, I’m pretty sure homicide is a capital offense EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD. Just sayin . . .
It isn’t until the final seconds before the theme song starts playing, that we finally get a glimpse of Unseen Special Guest Star’s face. And while his FACE is, in fact, very familiar, to us old-school PLL fans who’ve been watching the show since the beginning . . . I’d venture to guess that . . .umm . . . other parts of his anatomy are slightly more familiar to us . . . You’ll see what I mean, in just a moment.
Who the f*&k is THIS GUY?
OH! Hi Deputy Douchey! We’ve missed you! 🙂
Shrinkypoo . . . Where are YOU?
A helpful graphic on our screen informs us that time has magically rewound. It is now twelve hours earlier than it was before. Meanwhile, our eyes tell us that it is Aria’s turn to wear HER version of the off-the shoulder streetwalker-type outfit worn last week by Emily, and the week before by Spencer (which means, Hanna gets it next week.) Coincidentally, Aria is also wearing a Snookie from Jersey Shore ponytail poof and oddly uncomfortable-looking door-knocker earrings, that are roughly the size of her entire face . . .
Anywhoo . . . somehow the girls have figured out where Shrinkypoo lives, and they are nosing around her house looking for her. BUT SURPRISE! She is NOT THERE, and, from the looks of it, hasn’t been there in quite some time! (Where can she BE?)
Ever the voice of reason, Spencer informs the girls that it is very likely that “A” KILLED Shrinkypoo, since that’s pretty much what “A” does when people figure out his or her identity. Spencer just hopes that “A” doesn’t send them all an annoying gloating text message about it, which is ALSO what he/she typically does in situations like this. Lo and behold, a cell phone goes off, and Spencer, hilariously breaks the fourth wall, and gives a big middle finger to the writers for messing with her . . . or at least that’s what she WOULD have done, if she wasn’t on ABC Family. But, since she IS on ABC Family, she just says, “That did NOT just happen.”
But happen, it did . . .
“Nice knowin ya, Shrinkypoo! I’m off to get laid!”
But don’t worry, my Pretties. The mysterious message actually wasn’t from “A” for a change. It was just Maya contacting Emily for a booty call. (Unless, of course, you believe that Maya is actually “A” . . . which, you know, she might be. Who knows?)
Lesbi-Friends? NAH! Lesbi-LOVERS!
Emily and Maya are attempting to “get aquainted” in the bedroom (ahem). But cockblockflowerblock Hanna can’t take the hint, and keeps needling Maya about what de-gaying camp was like (aside from being obviously ineffective, haha!).
“So, did you actually get to meet Michele Bachmann, or what?”
Finally, Emily gives Hanna her best death stare, and forces her to leave the premises, IMMEDIATELY. Hanna sheepishly complies, but not before awkwardly commenting on Maya’s new Tory Burch boots, much to Maya’s obvious discomfort.
We all know how much Hanna just LOVES those damn Tory Burch boots. Shrinkypoo had them too. It’s what made Hanna decide to go into therapy.
I wouldn’t even bring this up. However, there WAS a scene earlier this season, during which Gloved Hand purchased the same boots that Maya is wearing. Does that mean Maya is definitely “A”? Not necessarily, but I’d say it’s enough to make her yet another suspect . . . Once they’ve kicked Hanna to the curb, Emily and Maya decide to start back as friends, until they “get to know eachother again.” Meh! “Knowing eachother” is overrated! Let’s just get back to the Hot Sex, mmmkay?
Speaking of Hot Sex . . .
Oh BABY!
SPENCER: “So, do you think Facelift Vampire Jason covers up his windows so the sunlight doesn’t burn his skin?”
TOBY: “Either that, or he must REALLY LIKE TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!”
SPENCER: “Facelift Vampire Jason can read?”
“I am mesmerizing you with my vampire eyes, and new surfer boy haircut.”
Abs Toby is screwing “hanging out” on Spencer’s bed again. Of course, Spoby is relegated to screwing “hanging out” in Spencer’s house, and in the backseat of Abs Toby’s car . . .
When Abs Toby’s car is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin!
. . . because Blind Jenna frequents Abs Toby’s house.
Blind Jenna: preventing her brother from EVER having sex, one off-key note at a time . . .
And everybody knows she has Evil Girl Crabs Policeboy Garrett Cooties, which NOBODY wants to catch, least of all Spencer. Speaking of Abs Toby’s car, it apparently broke down, due to a release in breakline fluid, a car problem which just REEKS of “A” sabotage!
But Toby isn’t too worried about all that. He’d much rather makeout with Spencer and talk about their future babies. (WOW, Toby! How Modern Male, of you. Just be sure to use protection, so that you don’t end up on the next installment of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant: Rosewood Edition . . .)
TOBY: “If you’d just stop staring at Facelift Vampire Jason, we could start making babies, right now . . .”
SPENCER: “Must . . . stare at vampire eyes . . . cannot . . . look . . . away (though, if you take off your shirt, I might be convinced).”
Abs Toby asks Spencer what she thinks their future kids would look like. And Spencer, a girl after my own heart, can only think of ONE quality her kids will definitely have: Abs Toby’s ABS!
Papa Spoby
Baby Spoby
What started out as an excellent conversation quickly turns into an uncomfortable one, when Toby begins interrogating Spencer about why her dad was randomly hanging out in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom in the middle of the night. (Blood exchange?) Though he doesn’t at all deserve it, Spencer decides to remain loyal to her dad, and not tell Abs Toby about the whole, “My Dad changed Grandma DiLaurentis’ will” thing. (Riiiiiight, because the guy who got MOLESTED BY HIS OWN STEPSISTER, wouldn’t understand at all what it’s like to have evil family members.) But when Abs Toby doesn’t buy Spencer’s initial explanation (After all, Spencer Face is NOT the kind to EVER leave a room without getting the whole story, from EVERYONE SHE KNOWS.), she gets a bit testy with him.
“So, your gene pool includes a sociopathic dad, and a heinous b*tch of a sister. At least our babies will be pretty!”
Could this be the first sign of cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship? Speaking of perfect relationships . . .
Hi Honey, Welcome Back! I have Back Fat . . .
“Mmmmm . . . back fat . . . feels . . . squishy!”
You know how, when you first get into a new relationship, you are always on your absolute best behavior, because you don’t want your new signficant other to know that you have mood swings, or fat days, or frizzy hair, or that you have a tendency to whine, when things don’t go your way? Yeah . . . apparently Hanna and Caleb are WAAAAAAAAYYYYY past that! I mean, here comes New-haircut Caleb, fresh from California, and his meeting with the Mom He Never Knew He Had . . . and there’s Hanna talking about puke, and back fat, and ugly dresses . . . three topics which are music to any boy’s ears! Fortunately, Caleb is so horny, he could really care less. So, he kisses her deeply, in hopes that she will shut the heck up, and bring him back to the bedroom . . . or the shower . . . or the tent . . . if you catch my drift . . .
Welcome back, Caleb . . . We really missed your . . . um . . . assets!
In other relationship news . . .
Two is Company, and Jackie is a B*tch!
“So, let me get this straight. I bought you an ENGAGEMENT RING. And you bought me a cheap styrofoam cup of watered-down coffee from the teacher’s lounge? Yeah, we’re totally even now.”
Fitzy’s lounging on his massive brown office couch, when Poor Man’s Megan Fox comes bounding by, holding two EXTRA GRANDE cups of coffee, where her boobs are supposed to be . . .
“Hey there, Fitzy! Check out my massively large jugs. They are double S . . . for Starbucks.”
By the time Aria arrives with her, much more reasonably sized cups of coffee. (Unlike Jackie, Aria doesn’t have to worry about Fitzy FALLING ASLEEP while THEY do the deed . . .), Jackie is already all over Fitzy like a bad case of poison ivy.
“I wonder if my massively large earring will fit around her neck.”
Rather than interrupt this Moment, Aria decides to hang back and listen. As it turns out, she needn’t have worried. Fitzy rejects Poor Man’s Megan Fox’s advances SO HARD AND FAST, he practically leaves skid marks on her face!
But wait . . . we interrupt this not particularly sturdy Love Triangle to bring you (SURPRISE) another text from A . . .
Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . . though, honestly, not by much, considering they showed us this clip in the Much Music promos for the episode.
Playing With Dolls
“Wow, FedEx must have charged a portion to ship THIS!”
Time flies when you are having fun. Now it’s only TEN HOURS before the first scene of the episode. Apparently, sometime during that two-hour timeframe, “A” dropped off a massively large box in Spencer’s living room. (It’s a good thing Spencer’s mom is never home, her sister left the show, and her dad is always chilling in Facelift Vampire Jason’s room, or someone might have gotten suspicious!) Not surprisingly, there is no return address on the box. Just THIS . . .
Is this the part where the creepy girl pops out and says “Seven Days?” Wait, never mind . . . wrong movie.
The girls worry for a few moments that Shrinkypoo’s ear is inside the box. And, admittedly, Shrinkypoo did have some elf-like ears! But nope! No ears or chick from The Ring are hiding in this box, just three ugly dolls . . . one for Aria . . . one for Hanna . . . one for Spencer . . . and NONE FOR EMILY (which, is really kind of RUDE, don’t you think?)
Someone needs to get these dolls a STYLIST, stat! Last I checked, Pretty Little Liars do NOT wear muumuus! Oh, and Hanna’s doll looks kind of sweaty . . . not to mention a bit chunkers. Just sayin’
“What about me? Where’s MY doll? What am I, chopped liver?”
So, here’s the skinny on these dolls. They all talk funny, and apparently have pertinent instructions that the girls must follow in order to get back their Shrinkypoo . . .
Aria’s says, “Make Jackie go away,” thereby making Aria’s doll my favorite of the bunch! (I concur, Aria’s doll!) But Aria’s doll doesn’t come empty handed, she comes bearing gifts, specifically, evidence that Jackie COMPLETELY plagiarized a paper she is getting published on some French artist. Spencer, who, herself is no stranger to plagiarism, breaks it down for her innocent friends to understand.
Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding,” making her my second favorite doll, if only because “stopping the wedding” means, maybe, not having to see that wench Kate, anymore . . .
My least favorite doll is Spencer’s, who says, “Keep Toby safe,” an ambigious enough line that Spencer somehow interprets as “Dump Toby.” Ummm . . . jump to conclusions much, Spencer?
“Dammit! Now, I’m going to have to have boring, non-six pack having chubby babies like everybody else!”
Back in present time . . .
Aria Cries and Police Boy Garrett Lies . . .
“It’s so strange officer. My blind wench of a girlfriend and Istole every single solitary copy of page 5 from Ali’s autopsy. Page 5 of Ali’s autopsy is MISSING! WOAH!”
So, remember how Spencer was searching for Ali’s autopsy, but Corpse Dude took the last page out of the records, so that she couldn’t find out, for certain, what murder weapon was used to kill Ali?
Well, it turns out that Corpse Dude may well have been Police Boy Garrett, who tells his superior that EVERY SINGLE COPY of Ali’s autopsy, including the one IN THE COMPUTER is conveniently missing it’s fifth page. Yeah . . . Police Boy Garrett, like A, needs to get a life . . . seriously. Meanwhile, Aria makes her “One Phone Call” to a Mystery Person, and blubbers to that person about how she made a “terrible mistake.” Meanwhile, Policeboy Garrett listens on, twirling his invisible super villain mustache with glee . . .
“I made a really big mistake, by wearing this totally inappropriate skull necklace with my poofy ballet tutu of a wedding dress! (But it’s supposed to signify that I used to be “goth.” So, I guess it’s acceptable.)
Now, we head right back to the past, where there are only SIX HOURS left until the present. (Are you getting confused yet? Because I sure am!) . . .
Jackie is Wacky! (And, possibly, on crack-y)
“How is it 2011, and you don’t even have a computer on your desk, Jackie? Did you, perhaps, use Fitzy’s typewriter to plagiarize your paper?”
Following her doll’s instructions (yeah, it sounds weird to me too), Aria half-assedly confronts Jackie about her plagiarism, and tells her that she THINKS she should leave Hollis. As I was hoping for a BIG ASS cat fight between these two brunettes, I was, honestly, kind of disappointed, and I think Aria’s doll would have been too. Aside from not being particularly fun to watch, Aria’s so-called blackmail attempt ended up being ineffective. SO, ineffective, in fact, that Poor Man’s Megan Fox arrived on Aria’s door step to blackmail HER, right back. “Rat me out, and I’ll tell the administrators at Hollis about Fitzy’ affair with an underage student.”
Yeahhh Jackie, because THAT’S the way to get back into the heart of the man you supposedly love . . . by publicly accusing him of a pedophile and getting him FIRED from his dream job. Good thinking, Ass Munch!
“If this was Jennifer’s Body 2: Jennifer’s Revenge, I would open up my big fat mouth and eat your brain for lunch . . “
Another hour has passed. And it’s Hanna’s and Spencer’s turn to obey their dolls and screw up their lives . . .
Honesty? What’s that?
It’s almost time for the wedding, and Hanna’s chilling in red robe, trying to figure out how she can stop it. Enter Douchey Daddy, with his pep talk about how Hanna should accept her NEW mom, even though Douchey is still boning her OLD one.
Hanna wonders out loud why, if Douchey Daddy loves New Mommy as much as he says he does, is he still sleeping in Old Mommy’s bed, and playing Find the Salami with her? 😉 Douchey Daddy admits that when things are going well for him, he has a tendency to screw them up, before someone else gets a chance to do it for him. Oh, don’t worry, Douchey Daddy! Something tells me that THIS time, you will be able to just sit back, relax, and leave the screwing up to your daughter!
Speaking of screwing up, Spencer is hanging out in Abs Toby’s Death Mobile, ready and waiting to murder their relationship, one harsh word at a time . . .
Honestly, Spencer’s excuse for dumping Poor Tobs is pretty lame. She, more or less, tells him that she was lying to him about what her father told her about Facelift Vampire Jason. And, that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her Big Bad Family Secrets with him. Like I said, NO ONE has creepier family secrets than Abs Toby!
It’s pretty obvious to me that there is NOTHING Spencer could tell Abs about her asshat father, that would make him think any less of Spencer. Plus, I actually think that being honest, and WARNING Abs Man about “A,” would be a good a way as any to “keep him safe” and, you know, NOT HAVE HIM DIE and stuff. But hey, it’s the finale. And finales require drama, so . . .
“Spencer, don’t leave! What will I tell our extremely muscular future children?”
After half-assedly dumping Toby, Spencer rushes from the car, and has a mini-Soap Opera Style Nervous Breakdown, right next to a friendly old tree . . .
“I’m just so SAD, Mr. Tree! Please, hold me . . . Or, just stay there, and let me fondle your bark. That works too.”
Watching Spencer attempt to win an Emmy Award is who else but DR WREN! YIPPPEEEEE! (Sorry Tobs! I know you’re great for Spencer and all. And I don’t think she should have dumped you . . . BUT I LOVE ME SOME WREN!)
YUMMY!
Wren, ever the sucker for a Damsel in Distress (He dated Whiny Melissa, after all), scoops Spencer up off the tree, gives her a cute little monogrammed hanky with which to carry her snot, and drives her home in his kickass, “I’m a doctor” car. He then gallantly waits in her living room (because, AGAIN, her parents are NEVER HOME) while she prepares, for Douchey Daddy’s wedding.
Spencer comes downstairs in my favorite dress ever, and this is coming from someone who can take or leave many of Spencer’s outfit choices (Sweater Pony, and Over-the-Shoulder Denim, anyone?). She then offers Wren back her snotty hanky, which HE TAKES . . . and RUBS WITH HIS FINGERS. (Now THAT is LOVE, people!)
“Your boogers are beautiful, and so are you and so am I.”
“Why yes. They are rather attractive boogers, if I do say so, myself.”
Talk about a Stand-up Guy! Wren even advises Spencer to give Abs Toby another chance . . . or, as he cutely nicknamed him, “The Carpenter.” (I love how slyly snooty that was of Wren!) Wren then tells Spencer that he’s bbeen dying to kiss her, AND HE DOES! AND IT’S ADORABLE! AND I WISH I WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THAT KISS. AND SPENCER DEFINITELY LIKED IT, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN’T.
“You have terrible timing,” notes Spencer guiltily, as she unraveles her tongue from Wren’s, the taste of his mint lip gloss, still on her lips. (COME ON! You just know a guy who carries around a hanky filled with his lover’s snot uses mint lip gloss.) Wren agrees, and gently offers Spencer her wrap, as he escorts her to the wedding. (By the way, who wants to bet that “A” somehow nabbed a shot of them kissing, and is going to send it to Abs Toby? Just a hunch . . .)
So, Emily, in your Alice in Wonderland Dress, I have a question for you . . . two, actually. (1) If you have lived in Rosewood, all your life, and have, even during the course of this series, attended many events at its ONLY CHURCH, why do you need to use GPS to drive there? We know your town isn’t that big? (2) I own a GPS. And when I get to the point where my destination is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, I TURN IT OFF. I don’t sit there and second guess the fact that I AM SEEING THE DESTINATION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, just because some computer says I’m wrong. Why don’t you? (OK, so that second one, was more of a criticism than a question, but still . . .)
Anywhoo . . . Emily’s GPS doesn’t want to take her to church. It apparently, wants to take her and her NEW PASSENGER to some random barn . . . though I’m not sure whether it’s the same barn where Ali died, or Ian fake-died. Note: I said NEW PASSENGER. Because, apparently, Emily was so mesmerized by her GPS system, that she completely missed the fact that a BIG UGLY ASS DOLL climbed in the backseat of her car and hitchhiked the entire way to the church.
Look familiar?
By the way, it occurred to me that “A” was taking was taking a mighty big risk, by not seatbelting Emily Doll. I mean, think about it. What would happen if Emily’s car stopped short, and Emily Doll tumbled onto the floor, before Emily could find her. How would “A” terrorize Emily then? More Alpha Bits? Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!
Anyway, Emily’s Ugly Doll tells her that she will lead Emily to wear Shrinkypoo is supposedly being held hostage. Not wanting more blood on her hands, Emily follows the Doll’s and GPS’s instructions, which lead her to a BARN, i.e. The Place Where PLL Cast Members Typically GO TO DIE!
Not surprisingly, Shrinkypoo isn’t actually in the barn. In fact, all that’s there is a Toxic Murder Car (but not Toby’s). By the time Emily realizes that she’s been duped into entering the Barn of Death it is too late. The door has slammed shut in her face, and she is locked in.
“Hey! You can’t do this! I’m signed on as a series regular for Season 3.”
Emily eventually asphixiates and passes out. When she “wakes up,” she finds herself in a dirty sex dream with Dead Ali . . .
Source (Well, technically, Emily is still single, since her and Maya are “just friends.” So, I guess she’s not too big of a Dream Slut.)
With the barn, and the frilly dresses, and the cryptic speeches by friends past, I suspect that Emily’s dream is kind of what a modern-day Wizard of Oz would look like, if the Wizard of Oz was turned into a gay porno. In the dream/hallucination, Dream Ali also says that she misses Emily the most, proceeds to make out with her, and offers to stay with her in Purgatory forever. (What is this Lost?)
Ali also annoyingly tells Emily that she knows who “A” is, but, of course, can’t tell her. (Well, could you at least tell US, Ali? Because I’m dying to know.) In fact, in her lame argument as to why she can’t reveal “A’s” identity to Emily, Dead Ali actually quotes the show’ theme song, telling Emily that “only two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.” And yet, one of them (Ali) IS dead . . . so, based solely on the song, I don’t get why Ali couldn’t tell Emily the secret. Unless . . . of course, she ISN’T . . .
While Emily is dream humping / playing Guess Who with Ali, Hanna is at her dad’s wedding, causing trouble . . . as per usual.
The Back Fat Returns . . . The Bride Does Not . . .
“Just think. You and I could get married here, one day. Our future babies wouldn’t have as good abs as the Spoby kids. But they are sure to be able to hold their liquor, be good with their hands (ahem) . . . and will probably have really nice hair.”
While Aria and Spencer worry about what the heck is taking Emily so long (She’s busy having Hallucinatory Sex with Dead Ali, guys! CHILL OUT!) , New Hair / New Attitude Caleb is trying to calm down a very-uptight-about-the-wedding-for-good-reason Hanna. The pair are approached by AWFUL Kate, who makes a snide comment about Hanna’s Hangover, before the latter excuses herself to make a phone call. Of course, Kate wastes no time, trying to dig her claws into Caleb, by complimenting him on his snazzy suit (which, I assume his new-rich Mom bought or him).
“You have big hands. And you know what they say about guys with big hands, don’t you? They also have . . . big feet.”
Fortunately, just like Fitzy before him, Caleb, is, apparently, a one-man-woman. And he lets Kate know this in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, by . . . telling her that SHE HAS BACK FAT!
Just in case you were wondering about who was calling Hanna, it was Caleb . . . to tell her about that AWESOME BACK FAT JOKE. Just kidding . . . it was “A” . . . AGAIN . . . reminding Hanna that SOMEONE is running out of air. *groans*
It’s Wedding Time . . . The bride and groom are front and center. (But the bride’s hair looks more appropriate for a morning workout, than an afternoon marriage.) Hanna stands in her place as bridesmaid, behind Awful Kate . . . watching . . . waiting. Finally, she makes her decision, awkwardly asking to speak to the bride ALONE . . .
AWKWARD!
Even Awful Kate seems curious as to how this all is going to go down. Soon-Not-To-Be-New-Step Monster Isabel, heads off to confer with her Soon-Not-to-be-Step-Daughter, who promptly tells her that Douchey Daddy, and Mama Marin recently horizontal mambo-ed together.
The bad news is . . . your marriage is over. The good news is . . . your new dress is WAY prettier than your pukey old one. Perhaps, you can wear it to your next weddding.
Of course, Daddy Dearest has overheard the whole conversation, and is unable to deny any of it. (That will teach you to put your weiner where your mouth is, Tom. Wait . . . that didn’t come out right.)
Stepmonster Isa-hell storms off. And Hanna futilely asks her dad for forgiveness, but he can’t even look at her. (I guess the concept of “honesty is the best policy” just doesn’t apply in the Marin Household.) Ring, ring. It’s another text message from “A.” It’s the address of the infamous barn. I wonder if the rest of the PLL girls will need GPS to get their like Emily did . . . I’m guessing not.
Dig a Little Deeper . . .
“Dude? Why are you naked? What did Dream Ali do to you?”
Emily awakens to find her gal pals watching over her. Apparently, “A” had enough sense to pull Emily out of the barn, before she DIED OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING. (How sweet of her/him!) Emily tells the girls that she was with Alison, and that their so-called Dead Friend is still alive. She can still feel the Queen Bee’s lips on hers. Of course, the PLL girls just assume that she was hallucinating, which she may very well have been.
Then Emily notices a shovel leaning up against the barn, that wasn’t there before . . . a shovel with latitude, longitude coordinates attached to it . . .
Would YOU be able to follow those coordinates? Because, I’m not shy to admit that I would have NO CLUE how to go about doing that. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Spencer is smarter than I am, and leads the rest of the girls to the spot in question, where they quickly find a recently dug shallow grave. UH OH!
“You mean, they want us to get on our HANDS AND KNEES? In THESE DRESSES . . . just to save some boring old shrink. You know, now that I think about it, I didn’t like Anne Sullivan all that much. Did you?”
The decidedly unfemine nature of their task aside, the girls begin to dig. Hanna freaks out, when she finds those Tory Burch boots she recognizes as Shrinkypoo’s! (UY! Again with the friggin BOOTS! ENOUGH!) Then they uncover what INITIALLY looks like a face, but is actually just an ugly clown mask . . . oops.
Wow, Shrinkypoo! You sure are pale!
Cue the lights, and the helicopters. . . wait . . . WHAT? Oh yes, that’s right, boys and girls. As it turns out, “A” set up the PLL girls, with an “anonymous” tip to the cops, in relations to the supposedly solved Ali’s murder . . . and the NEW suspects have a LOOOOOONG night ahead of them . . .
“Aria, hide me! I don’t want the police to see my back fat.”
ANSWERS! (FINALLY!)
“I’m so glad Spencer is my daughter! I get so much legal work from you girls!”
At the police station, the PLL girls’ family and friends are coming out to support them, in droves . . . Abs Toby is there in a snazzy purple button down shirt, that wouldn’t look at all out of place at a disco, circa 1975. (Apparently, he and Spencer share a fashion sense.) “I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, SPENCER!” He screams out like a loon, as the cops pull his crazy ass away. (Ahhh . . . young love!)
In the decidedly LESS young love department, Fitzy has arrived, since, I assume, HE was the one Aria used her “One Phone Call” to contact. And in an unintentionally hilarious scene, Aria’s mom rushes over to lecture him about SLEEPING WITH SPENCER.
“Hey, it could be worse. I could be having sex with YOUR daughter! Oh . . . wait a minute . . . I AM!”
Throughout most of the conversation, Fitzy assumes Judgy Mama Montgomery is talking about HER OWN daughter, Aria (Otherwise, why the hell would she care so much, right?). So, he’s trying to protect himself, by assuring Mama Montgomery JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES “HER.” And yet, that just digs Fitzy in EVEN DEEPER, considering that his words only serve to bolster Mama Montgomery’s belief that Fitzy is actually screwing Spencer. It’s like a “Who’s on First?” Skit, but instead of baseball players, we are talking about underage girls! 😉
Elsewhere, Facelift Vampire Jason (who is conveniently dressed, in BLOOD red, by the way) has an intimate conversation with Papa Hastings, that pretty much confirms what most of us had always assumed . . . that Vamp Man is actually Papa Hastings’ son, and Spencer’s HALF-BROTHER, a Deep Dark Secret about which Mama Hastings is apparently not yet aware because she’s never home long enough to figure these things out. This, of course, better explains why he’s been making googly eyes with Ali’s mom, hanging out in Vamp Man’s BEDROOM late at night, and manipulating Dead Grandma’s will to make Vamp Man look less guilty . . .
I can see a family resemblance, can’t you?
Elsewhere in this VERY CROWDED police station, Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna rejoice over / take credit for doing the following things:
(1) being completely nauseating and totally unlikeable individuals who no one would possibly sleep with, except for one another (Abs Toby doesn’t count, because he was raped.)
(1) setting the PLL girls up to get “fingered” for Ali’s murder, this week.
(2) stealing the elusive “Page Five” of Ali’s autopsy report
(3) writing the letter that made Facelift Vampire Jason think that HE killed Ali, when he didn’t
(4) being present at the time of Ali’s murder (and possibly committing it, though that was never explicitly said)
Speaking of Page 5, we finally learn from Deputy Douchey (who was reinstated to the force, thanks to his “remarkable breakthrough” in the Dead Ali case) what was on it: a specific description of the murder weapon used to kill Ali. And, I bet you will never guess what it was! I’ll give you a hint, YOU CAN DIG WITH IT!
Personally, I think a shovel is a BORING murder weapon. I much preferred the Hastings Hockey Stick . . . But that’s just me. 🙂
It’s GLOVED HAND TIME! ZZZZZZZZZZ! YAY!
Meanwhile, at a rundown coffee shop, a decidedly alive Shrinkypoo angrily takes some blackmail photos from Gloved Hand / “A”, telling her or him that she did exactly what was asked of her, and is now FREE, to be left alone, dammit. (Note: Since, Shrinkypoo was ALONE, when she first learned of A’s identity, we can assume that she wasn’t in on this the WHOLE TIME. Rather, it seems more likely that “A” had blackmailed the doctor, AFTER she had already pieced together the clues . . .)
“You couldn’t have found us a nicer place to meet than THIS dump? I’ve eaten at McDonalds that were classier! I wear Tory Burch boots, for crying out loud.”
Anywhoo, after Shrinkypoo storms off in a huff (probably with naked pictures of herself that she didn’t want leaked onto the internet, or something), Gloved Hand “chats” (It never speaks, of course) with a waitress, who offers her coffee and pie, and calls her (or him) “Pretty Eyes.”
The most obvious suspect for Pretty Eyes is Blind Jenna, of course . . . since we already know she HAS THEM . . .
Interestingly enough, I’m pretty sure the actress who plays Blind Jenna, Tammin Sursok, is wearing colored contacts in this scene, which would pretty much cinch her as the culprit. On the other hand, considering how much Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have already admitted to doing on this show, wouldn’t the reveal of Blind Jenna as “A”, be a bit underwhelming, especially considering that she was OUR VERY FIRST SUSPECT, back in Episode 2?
I guess we will just have to wait until this winter to find out. . .
Until then, feel free to sound off in the comment section about what you thought of the season, in general, and the summer finale, specifically. Who do you think is “A?” Who killed Ali? And most importantly, would you let a sexy stud like Wren hold on to your snot hankie?
I’ll see you in October for the Halloween Special, My Pretties! You can check out the trailer for it here . . .
ARIA: “Don’t look now. But I think someone’s watching us.”
HANNA: “Well, of course, someone is watching us! It’s ‘A’. ‘A’ is always watching us! Where exactly have you BEEN these past two seasons, Aria?”
ARIA: “Ummm . . . in Fitzy’s pants?”
HANNA: *rolls eyes*
EMILY: “Uhhh . . . guys . . . I don’t think it’s ‘A,’ this time. I think it’s those Recapper Girls. I heard they are doing a liveblog on us.”
SPENCER: “A LIVEBLOG?! No one does a LIVEBLOG on us, and gets away with it. They MUST BE STOPPED!”
Greetings, my Pretties! As you know, tomorrow marks the last episode of PLL, before the show heads into its interminable Fall Hiatus . . .
But don’t worry! My pal, Sassyfran, over at Random Recaps and I have decided to send this show off, in style, with a LIVEBLOG!
“What the f*&k is a liveblog, and what does it have to do with ME?”
Well, I’m glad you asked, Spencer! A liveblog is kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about the PLL Mid-Season Finale with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.
Or, if you’re shy, just read along. And let US do the work for you!
Yeah . . . not that kind of work, Hanna. I was thinking more along the lines of . . . you know . . . TYPING and stuff!
In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast (Comments like “OMG! HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!) . . .
. . . Sassyfran and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.
Of course, if you miss the liveblog, and want to check it out, after the episode airs, you can do that too!
“This is very suspicious. We are going to have to investigate this.”
For those of you who have never taken part in a liveblog before, here’s an example of one we did for The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 finale, back in March.
Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year. A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.
Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet. It provides “chat” services only. There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course. However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service. Sorry, in advance! (You still like us, anyway . . . don’t you?)
So, if you are up for celebrating The Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Finale with a couple of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of snarky commentary, wild plot speculation, and Abs Toby . . .
CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, August 30th!
Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this ABC Family preview for PLL’s Summer Finale episode (which, by the way, is entitled, eerily enough, “Over My Dead Body”) . . .
And here’s a Sneak Peek from the Upcoming Episode. (Shrinkypoo! Where are YOU?)
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 