Entering the Bone Zone – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Promise to the Dead”

50 Shades of Bone

Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .

While others just got boned . . .

“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”

We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .

Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”

Scott: “I think it’s mine.”

Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”

Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .

. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .

“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”

Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .

“Consider yourself haunted.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .

. . . while he tried to sleep . . .

. . . while he lifted weights . . .

. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .

. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .

Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.

Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..

With one or two exceptions.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]

Third Eye Not-So Blind

You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous.   You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!

You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.

JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?

I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?

The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?

I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!

I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!

And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and  Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .

Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .

WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.

“I told you I’d grow on you.  Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”

So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .

Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .

If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .

In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .

“Is this IKEA?”

Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”

And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .

Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)

This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.

So much money fondling . . .

Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .

Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..

Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..

This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.

AWK-WARD!

Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me  . . .

are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.

“Bloody money has cooties  . . . See?  Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”

Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.

Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?

No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it.   “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”

Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .

Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind

Dear Braeden . . .

Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .

I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.

I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .

But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .

You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)

And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .

See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”

Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex.  To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.

You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .

But Braeden wears THIS to bed?

You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .

Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .

Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”

Perhaps, she was saying . . .

“FASHION POLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!”

Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .

Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .

Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .

Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .

And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!

Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .

Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .

“Hey there, Lonely Boy.  I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”

I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .

“Need a spotter, Liam?”

Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .

Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .

 

Hey, it could happen. . .

In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .

This guy!

It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!

It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .

Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .

“Bambi’s Mother . . .”

Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .

But hey, pizza is good too . . .

The date to end all dates, literally. . .

Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .

Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .

Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .

Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex .  . .”

I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .

He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .

“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work.  Starting riding!”

Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .

The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .

(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)

“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”

In which everyone gets pep talks . . .

“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”

“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”

“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”

“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”

Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?

Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.

“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”

“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”

Hey, has anyone seen Scott?  Or Kira?  Uh-oh!

Speaking of Peter . . .

It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .

But then, suddenly, this happens . . .

. . . and this happens . . .

. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.

There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .

(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)

But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .

He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)

And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.”  (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)

“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”

“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.

“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .

“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”

And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .

Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .

Rise Darth Berserker!

Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .

OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)

“I hate Scott, basically.   He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”

Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid.   It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.

That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .

Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?

“Hey, check it out!  Matching hats!  We’re twinsies!”

Oooooh . . . that’s cold.

Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!

While You Were Sleeping – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Monstrous”

Question: What valuable life lesson can be gleaned from both the adorkable mid-nineties romantic coma comedy While You Were Sleeping and this past week’s installment of Teen Wolf?

Answer: They both teach us that comatose thirty-somethings named Peter with disturbingly expressive (sometimes frightening) eyebrows have the power to provide purpose in the lives of shy, socially awkward girls, who make questionable hair care choices . . .

. . . but only while mid-coma.

Poor Meredith Walker! If she had only shared her hospital room with The Dad from The O.C. instead of The Gorilla thing from Season 1, her life would be so much less complicated right now . . .

This week’s installment of Teen Wolf was equal parts satisfying and frustrating . . .

Satisfying, because our oddly loveable Benefactor has finally revealed her motivations for mass murder, and they are, if not entirely understandable (Who recorded all those tapes? How exactly did Meredith manage to control a 70’s era computer program WITH HER MIND?), at least weirdly sympathetic. (If we had to listen 24-7 to the dream-state ramblings of a scarfaced wackadoo with seemingly czarists designs on his easily extorted upper class town, we’d want some heads to roll too . . . )

Frustrating because . . . HUH?

I mean talk about a Deus Ex Machina! This was literally a case where there appeared to be an actual ghost in the machine . . .

. . . who pretty much controlled everything bad that happened to the characters throughout the entire season. . .

Our heroes then discovered that ghost almost entirely by accident . . .

. . . and then, sometime around the 50 minute mark of the episode, that ghost just got tired and went home.

But hey, at least Scott’s Wolf Facelift looked cool, right?

Let’s review shall we?

[As always a big hearty thanks to my screencapping pal Andre, who is 100% immune to the charms of the sometimes naked (always sexy) Deputy Parrish (WHY? HOW?), but always screencaps him faithfully for me anyway, because he’s just cool like that.]

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This . . .

Don’t you just hate it when it’s pouring buckets of CGI-perfected rain outside, and you just so happened to leave the house/cave (?) without your umbrella?

“My perm is ruined!”

Don’t you also hate it when it’s raining, and you are being hunted by an army of black suited militia types with laser guns?

“Think anyone will see us?”

“There’s no place like cave .  . . there’s no place like cave.”

I know I do . . .

That’s why I always make sure to have my own personal pocket ninja available to defend my honor at a moment’s notice . . .

Hiiiiyaaa!

(Also, I never leave home without my umbrella . . . well . . . almost never.)

Speaking of pocket-sized things one should never leave home without . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of Teeny Wolf

I think a part of Scott assumed that the second he turned Liam (accidental or not), the latter would immediately become his fashionable accessory for always . . . not unlike one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs . . .

“Yo quiero ser Scrappy Doo . . .

. . . a permanent guest on the back of his motorcycle . . .

. . . the permanent squire to his knight, during Weekly Werewolf Fight Time . . .

. . . a permanent awkward third wheel on his kissy face dates with Kira . . .

Unfortunately for Scott, Liam doesn’t seem to really be feeling his purse dog status. (Though he’s sure got those puppy dog eyes down pat.)

The thing about supernatural TV shows is that they tend to require an Audience Surrogate character to keep things grounded . . . someone with the ability to say the type of things you or I would say when placed in the ridiculous supernatural situations the Scooby Gang gets placed in each week . . .

Someone to say things like, “Isn’t it kind of weird how so many of our friends die, and the following week we just seem to forget they even existed?”

And, “This whole Werewolf Curse Thing doesn’t seem like anything that a really good razor, a cough drop, and some Visine couldn’t cure.”

And, “Where the heck is that really bad techno fight music coming from?”

Up until around Season 3, that person for Teen Wolf was Stiles . . .

But, while the Scooby Gang’s Resident Human is still just as relatable, clever and wisecracking as he ever was . . .you’ve got to admit he’s gotten a wee bit blasé about the whole Mass Murder Thing of late . . .

. . . (maybe it has something to do with all that time he spent as an Evil Japanese Spirit, with a face wrapped in Charmin Extra Soft)

“Don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

Enter Liam . . .

He’s new to the Werewolf Game . . .

. . . he finds being almost brutally killed week after week a teensy bit traumatizing . . .

. . . he believes becoming Lacrosse Team Captain is a bit more reasonable of a goal then Rescuing The World From Evil . . .

In other words, he’s just like us . . .

(Only slightly younger and much, much prettier . . .)

Anyway, Liam earns some major points cool points from me this week for getting Scott to acknowledge the existence of all his instantly forgotten Dead Friends . . .

Bravo, Little Guy . . .

Psycho Killer (Que’st-ce que c’est!)

Ahhhh, Meredith, faking your own death, and then casually admitting to singlehandedly orchestrating the systematic Mass Murder for Hire of what seems like three-quarters of the town of Beacon Hills has lost you a few popularity points with Everyone’s Favorite Authority Figure . . .

“I’m definitely selling my Team Meredith t-shirt on E-bay!”

Now, they are never going to let you date Isaac . . . assuming he ever returns . . . and/or anyone decides to remember that he exists . . .

When Sheriff Stilinski’s and Lydia’s feeble attempts to glean from Zany Meredith something resembling a motive fail miserably, they decide to call for reinforcements . . . Deep V-Neck reinforcements . . .

Shame on you Meredith! Peter is pretty much old enough to be your FATHER . . . or, at least, her father . . .

But hey, you know what they say . . . a lid for every pot . . . even if that lid is a full-on sociopath with a possible furry fetish . . .

Help is on the way . . .

Remember all those Buddhist werewolves who went out into a forest, got poisoned by canine distemper and died?

They’re baaaaaackkk . . .

“We’re going to need a bigger bathroom.”

Well, some of them, anyway . . .

Scott and Co. somehow locate the surviving members of Satomi’s pack. (It probably helps that they hide in completely inauspicious places . . . like in the center of high school football field.)

But where to put them all?

I know! How about that adorable hotel the gang stayed at a couple seasons back? That place was swanky!

Scott, being Scott, decides on a spectacular hiding place for his furry friends . . . a place that no one would ever think to look . . . unless they were a werewolf hunter . . .

. . . or a Werejaguar . . .

. . . or a gang of trained assassins . . .

. . . or Peter Hale . . .

OK, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t the best hiding place for a family of werewolves (or the second best, or the third best, or the fourth best, or the twenty ninth). But hey, at least they didn’t use the Hale Vault again . . .

Of course, Scott has barely had enough time to show his new roommates the Argent Arms bathroom when company arrived . . .

. . . and then . . . even worse company . . .

Tongue Tied . . .

Meanwhile, back in Death Trap hospital, Stiles is nursing a possible concussion from his most recent Brush With Death . . .

Mama McCall asks everyone’s favorite human if he has any dying requests . . .

He does.   He wants a tape player . . .

. . . or, as Mama McCall knows them, cassette player.

And so tapes cassettes and the record player make yet another cameo appearance on this season of Teen Wolf.

Next season, phone booths . . .

. . . Oregon Trail . . .

. . . and that asshat dog from Duck Hunt . . .

But Mama McCall has other ideas, apart from archaic technological devices, to aid Stiles on his road to recovery . . .

How about, conjugal visits?

That’s right, boys and girls. Stiles and Malia are back together . . . and all it took was a few minutes in an antiseptic hospital room . . . possibly reminding them of that time they took one another’s virginity in the basement of another wellness institution . . . The Nuthouse . . . shortly before a possessed Stiles went on a murderous rampage and attempted to assassinate all of his friends . . .

. . . aka . . . the Good Ole Days . . .

Mystery Date

Back at the Beacon Hills PD, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived . . .

FRO . . .

Meets . . .

DUDEBRO . . .

It’s a showdown of epic proportions. They meet. They exchange pleasantries . . .

BRO RAPES FRO’S NECK WITH HIS GROSS NAILS . . .

Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit . . .

You see, Uncle Peter doesn’t seem to remember Meredith at all. (And that fro and those Massive Googly Eyes are not the kind of things a guy like Peter quickly forgets.)

And yet, Meredith remembers Peter VERY well. It seems she knew him back in the day . . . you know . . . before the magical werewolf plastic surgery . . . and the gorilla thing . . . and the whole rising from the dead thing . . .

In fact, Meredith knew Peter VERY well . . . so well, in fact, that she was willing to orchestrate a Mass Murder Deadpool, using his money . . . because he ASKED HER TO DO IT!!

*record scratch*

Yup, that’s right . . . Peter Hale arranged for the theft of his own money. He is literally the benefactor of The Benefactor . . .

. . . and he doesn’t remember one minute of it . . .

The Smoking Gun . . .

Back at Stiles’ house (I guess tonguing Malia cured his concussion after all), Stiles and Malia play around with a tape cassette player to determine whether any additional information about the Benefactor’s source of funds distribution can be gleaned from Lydia’s grandma’s Death Tape.

Guess what? It can! Somehow Malia discovers that the tape in question was actually made at Lydia’s grandmother’s lake house . . . i.e. the creepy place with the white walls and the Really Rickety Tape Recorder.

So, Little Red Riding Stiles and the Big Bad Werecoyote take a nice little trip to grandma’s house, where they proceed to listen to the same record player Lydia’s been staring stonily at just about all season. Only this time, they hear something different . . . something Lydia apparently missed . ..

“You had ONE job, Lydia! One job!”

There’s something in the wall!

I wonder what it could be?

Is it? (A) The cast from Sixth Sense?

(B) A band of vengeful Oompa Loompas

(C) The set piece for every movie involving computers that took place between around 1975 and 1988.

If you guessed (C) you get a cookie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the source of the Deadpool . . .

But how did it get there? How did the Benefactor access it? How does it work / distribute funds?

Well, Werebangers, hold on to your hats. Because you are about to get the answers to all some almost one of those questions . . .

Pillow Talk

So, here’s how it all went down . . .

Apparently, Peter and Meredith were coma bed buddies, back when Peter was suffering third degree burns from the Hale House Fire, and Meredith was suffering from . . . really bad music?

Also during that time, Banshee Meredith’s I See Dead People’s powers apparently magically expanded to I Talk To Coma Patients . . .

And Peter . . . well, he was the chattiest coma patient ever . . .

So, chatty, in fact, that he basically wrote the entire plot for Season 4 of Teen Wolf . . . a plot that Meredith wrote down faithfully in her mind.

You see, Coma Peter was MAD about the Hale Fire . . . mad about what it said about his werewolf heritage, how it made them seem weak and helpless.

And so, Coma Peter devised a plan in his mind . . . a sort of Darwin Survival of the Hairiest Plan . . . a Noah’s Arc for Were Things plan to rebuild the supernatural nation, by murdering every supernatural being that couldn’t fend for themselves, and (presumably) having the surviving supernaturals engage in a LOT of sex and repopulation pronto . . .

And then, Meredith, being industrious and only slightly psychotic, immediately upon getting out of the hospital, used her heretofore nonexistence Berserker contacts to steal $170 million from Peter’s Hale vault, her heretofore unused computer knowledge to arrange for a complex wire transfer system to be run out of the heretofore unseen computer in Dead Grandma Lorraine Martin’s wall, and her heretofore unseen anger against “wimpy” supernaturals to arrange for the murders of an entire truckload of them.

When Peter learns about this, he’s of course, wryly amused and slightly smug, as he is when he learns pretty much every piece of information on the show.

He’s also, as it appears, entirely innocent. Because, if thinking bad thoughts was a crime we’d all be guilty. And if wearing Deep V-Neck shirts was a crime . . . well . . . that’s another story . . .

So, Sheriff Stilinski pulls a gun on Mr. I’m Always the Alpha . . .

. . . snorts and stirs for a bit . . .

. . . and ultimately lets him live to aimlessly plot the murder of Scott McCall another day . . .

. . . And plot the murder of Scott McCall, Peter does . . . big time . . . again . . .

Fight Fight Fight . . .

Meanwhile, a team of trained assassins ambush the Scooby Gang at Argent Arms . . .

And Scott gets MAD! SUPER MAD!

Almost Gorilla Thing Mad . . . or Gargoyle Smurf Mad . . .

Maybe even Darach mad . . .

Except not quite . . .

And then, just when things start to get really Alpha-y . . .

Stiles and Malia shut down the deadpool by . . . wait for it . . . turning off the computer . . .

No seriously, they found a key in some wine bottle and . . . turned it to off . . .

Just think, an entire season worth of murders . . . and they all could have been avoided in the same way you fix your laptop when it freezes . . .

As for Alpha Scott . . . well, better luck next season.

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers . . .

It’s Always the Quiet Ones – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Perishable”

“Anyone got a breath mint?”

You can’t judge a book by its cover. This isn’t exactly new information.   We’ve known this since we were little kids . . . since back when people still read actual books.

Of course, not judging a book by its cover is easier said than done. For better or worse, most of us have been raised to make certain assumptions about people, based on limited information. Subconsciously we are taught to believe that pretty people are good, and ugly people are evil. Loud people are strong and confident, and quiet people are meek and submissive. Hot guys with good bodies look good naked . . .

Well, that last one happens to be true . . .

Teen Wolf has always been a show that tried to shock its viewers, by flying in the face of these assumptions. But because its viewers are pretty savvy, it has met with limited success in doing so. Most of us pegged Lydia as the banshee, from the first time she opened her mouth to scream.

Photographer Matt was so gosh darn creepy, we pretty much pegged him a kanaima master from day 1.

And “adorkable” English teacher Jennifer fooled positively no one but Derek into thinking she was anything but a Darach in 50’s housewife clothing . . .

I can honestly say that Teen Wolf only legitimately shocked me with its choice of big bad twice in its series run, so far. The first was way back in Season 1 . . .

Coma Guy was the one running around in the Gorilla Suit the whole time?

I mean, that was pretty friggin brilliant!

The second time Teen Wolf tricked me . . . this past week, in a twist that, if you think about, largely mirrors the Uncle Peter as Alpha reveal of Season 1 . . .

You would think I would have learned by now . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty banshee scream of thanks to my pack pal Andre for providing all the glorious screencaps you see here. This is a guy you can trust. I guy you’d be proud to have alongside you in battle. A guy who would never douse your car in kerosene and watch you burn alive, while casually listening to Jock Jams on his iPod . . .]

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof!  Woof-woof-woof-woof!”

Kill Not Confirmed

In a season of Teen Wolf that has been positively packed with douchebags, I’d hereby like to nominate This Guy as Douchebag Numero Uno . . .

Murdering complete strangers to become a millionaire is one thing. Murdering your friends and colleagues is quite another . . .

Even Evil!Macauley held off on trying to whack fake friend Liam, until he had already dispatched of most of the more anonymous targets on the list. . .

But not Officer Hank . . . I mean, this guy is just stone cold . . .

. . . stupid. No wonder he’s at the bottom of the payroll at the Beacon Hills PD . . .

First, before murdering a supernatural creature, it might be wise to . . . I don’t know . . . figure out what kind of creature he is first. This way you can avoid amateur mistakes like . . . TRYING TO BURN TO DEATH THE CREATURE WHOSE SOLE MAGICAL POWER IS THE ABILITY TO RISE FROM THE ASHES . . .

“Bored now . . .”

Also, avoid leaving evidence that can be traced back to you, such as, the gas station attendant who saw you purchase FOUR GALLONS OF GASOLINE, moments before that police car burst into flames in an empty parking lot for no reason whatsoever . . . because no one in a small town being overrun by contract killers is going to notice that . . .

And while we are on the subject . . . twist ties? Really?

“All this trouble just to remind me to put out my recycling tomorrow morning? It’s a little much, don’t you think?”

Nonetheless, I’m actually really happy that Hank did what he did. After all, if it weren’t for this schmucko, us Teen Wolf fans would never have been blessed with the glory of getting to see this . . .

Let’s watch that again . . .

Now, for the most part, our Deputy Parrish has always been a pretty zen guy. But you could understand why Sheriff Stilinski’s stalwart sidekick is feeling a bit grumpy, after having had to suffer the pain of being burned alive, followed by the humiliation of having to walk back to the office in his now soot-colored birthday suit . . .

Plus, he’s barefoot, and who knows what kind of fetid crap ends up on those Beacon Hills PD floors?

Athlete’s foot is no picnic!

And so, for the first time this season, we get to meet . . . Hulk Parrish!

“Parrish . . . smash!”

Mommy like . . . a lot.

I hope you like cold prison showers, Hank!

You can’t handle the truth.

Scott and Lydia immediately bring Parrish to Derek’s and Peter’s apartment, probably because Parrish needs clothes, and what the Hales lack in furniture, they make up for in a lifetime supply of deep v-neck muscle tees in every color imaginable . . .

Scott hopes Derek can tell them all what kind of creature Parrish might be. (Hint: PHOENIX! HE’S A PHOENIX!)

Unfortunately, Derek’s knowledge of supernatural creatures is limited to were-stuff . . . like

Werecoyotes . ..

Werefoxes . ..

Werelizards . ..

Werejaguars . ..

Werebears . ..

And Popples . . . lots and lots of Popples . . .

And so, Deputy Parrish’s moment of supernatural self discovery is going to have to be put on hold for at least another episode . But on the bright side, wintergreen is a really great color on him . . .

Speaking of hidden truths, over at the hospital, a doctor, who I am pretty sure was murdered on the show last season (maybe he’s a Phoenix too?), is not so gently reminding Papa Stilinski, who took a bullet during the whole Parrish/Hank fracas, may have to pay some of his medical bills out-of-pocket.

“Pretty sure I was murdered last season by a guy with bugs crawling out of his stomach. But papa needs a new button down business shirt, so continuity be damned!”

Stiles is furious with his father for hiding the family’s money troubles from him. “We are supposed to take care of each other,” he pleads with his father.

Here’s hoping when this is all over Derek shares some of the Hale $117 million with the poor little pack friends who saved his ass from death more times than he could count . . .

Spray and Pray

Clearly, the Benefactor has been unimpressed up to this point with the assassins she selected to rid Beacon Hills of its supernatural population. She needs to expand her horizons. She considers creating a Deadpool Fans Facebook page, but realize that this guy already has one . . .

She considers tweeting about it, but sadly remembers that “Dead Girls Can’t Tweet.”

And so, she is forced to settle for good-old fashioned printer bombing . . .

At least, this way, what she can’t deliver in Dead Supes, she makes up for in Murdered Trees . . .

Banshee People Problems . . .

Like Grandmother like daughter. Apparently, Lydia’s grandmother Lorraine, not only was a banshee like Lydia. She also looked like Lydia . . .

Was smart like Lydia (for a female to have a job at a place like IBM back then, must have been a HUGE deal) . . .

Had an athletic best friend who looked like Allison . . . like Lydia . . .

Predicted, but couldn’t prevent that friend’s death . . . like Lydia . . .

And apparently, played a part in making Meredith more bonkers than she was originally . . . like Lydia.

“No more Justin Bieber, pleeeeeassse!”

 

Banshees Don’t Predict Danger . . .

Elsewhere in town, Derek breaks the news to Scott that he’s more-or-less a born again human. It must be tough for people like Derek to go from a supernatural hot guy who occasionally sprouts unattractive hair from his ears, to a garden variety hot guy . . .

“I wonder if this will impact my sexual performance . . .”

On the positive side, Derek being human means he’s no longer worth as much money dead! YAYYY!

“Let’s go test out that whole sexual prowess theory. What do you say?”

The bad news is that the price on his head got transferred wholesale to Liam . . .

“Doesn’t murdering the virgin first violate major movie logic?”

. . .which seems kind of unfair. I mean, how about spreading the wealth, Benefactor? Have you seen Parrish naked? (Clearly you have. I’m starting to think that Banshees get 24-7 live feed access to all murders happening everywhere. It’s like a really morbid version of Big Brother).

That bod’s got to be worth at least another two mil! Am I right?

In even worse news, Derek just learned he was the cipher key to open 1/3 of the deadpool. Scott, having an uncharacteristic burst of social awareness, tactfully explains what this might mean for our brooding lone wolf. “You . . . um . . . may be in . . . er . . . danger?”

(This is basically like telling someone who is about to have their leg amputated, that the doctor is going to have to make a small incision on their kneecap.)

But Derek has never been one to mince words.   “Screw danger. A banshee thinks I’m going to die = I’m worm food.”

The Grandma Code

What was your THING with your grandmother? My grandma was awesome, not going to lie. She took me to the aquarium to see the sea lions (so cute), road roller coasters with me on family vacations, let me stay up late watching TV and eating Tootsie Rolls when she babysat. She rocked.

Apparently, Lydia’s thing with her grandma was reading The Little Mermaid . . . the original one, which actually had a really sad ending. (Spoiler alert: The Little Mermaid dies.)

But maybe Grandma Martin edited that part out. In fact, I think she probably did, or she wouldn’t be so cool with Lydia calling herself “Ariel” all the time, even though she kind of does look like Ariel. Don’t you think?

(Slight nitpick . . . Lydia claims she read the Hans Christian Anderson version of the Little Mermaid with her grandmother, not a book adaptation of the Disney film, as Stiles suggested. And yet, actually the name Ariel is exclusively a Disney name. The Hans Christian Andersen book doesn’t bother giving the Little Mermaid a name . . .also coincidentally, it has no Sebastian.

How on Earth can you have a Little Mermaid without that adorable Jamaican-accented crab? No wonder the story was so depressing!)

Anywhoo, that’s the key to grandma’s cipher code: Ariel . . .

More names . . . but no dollar amounts attached to these . . . why? Because they are all banshees, and . . . wait for it. They are all already DEAD!

By suicide, no less . . .

Suicide . . . DON’T DO IT!

Stiles and Lydia pay a visit to our old friend Brunski to get a look at the supposed Banshee Suicide Files. Lydia pays a cool $500 for the privilege. (Did you / do you carry around $500 in your purse in high school? I didn’t. Heck, I don’t carry $500 in my purse now! That’s what credit cards are for!)

“Smells like early retirement . . . or a date with a hooker . . . probably the hooker.”

$500. That’s a high price to pay for a tazing . . .

Around this time, honorary pack member Parrish figures out that, considering Brunski was the sole witness of all of these supposed suicides, there is a good chance they were less “suicides” and more “murders,” which is super bad news for Stiles, whose name Lydia subconsciously added to her banshee Already Dead Pool just moments earlier . . .

Totally Random Dancing

If watching the above-video gave you a headache, congratulations, you’re OLD!

Death by Dubstep.   Well . . . this is new. Back a few seasons ago, only a few select people in Beacon Hills knew that supernatural creatures existed. Now, random cops, security, guards, DJs and other people we’ve never met, are not only aware of, and trying to murder Beacon Hills’ supernatural population, they are also coming up with new and inventive ways to do so that work by culling supernatural creatures out of a crowd . . .

See The Chemist . . .

And . . . the Really Bad High School Bonfire D.J. . . .

You know how they have these dog whistles that emit a sound that has such a high pitched frequency that humans can’t detect it, but it drive canines practically bonkers?

Or that, apparently after you reach around age 20, your ear stops recording high frequency sounds?

Add to this the idea of a dog whistle that can make werewolves intoxicated, and you have the conceit for this week’s Creative Assassin on Teen Wolf . . .

Think about how much money you’d save at the bar if it all it took to get drunk was listening to a few minutes of Really Bad Techno?

That would be enough dough to pay for Stiles Eichen House bills AND buy him an entire wardrobe of Sarcastic Phrase t-shirts . . .

It doesn’t take long for Scott, Malia and Liam to begin feeling the effects of the crappy Dog Whistle Music. Enter the Security Squad, who decide that the best way to murder unconscious Scott, Malia and Liam is to light them on fire during a very populated bonfire, right in the center of the high school hallway.

Riiiiight, because lighting supernatural creatures on fire worked so well for their friend Hank . . .

Speaking of Hank . . .

How’s your nose buddy?

Looks like someone got themselves a free nosejob.

Fortunately, Gay Best Friend Mason and New Human Derek become an unlikely duo in this week’s Rescue the Main Characters from Danger Challenge . . .

Unfortunately, Stiles and Lydia are going to have to wait a bit longer for their Knight and Shining Sexy Pants . . .

Revelations

Hello Brunski, it’s time for Lessons in Villainy 101. When you are trying to murder the witnesses to your crimes through lethal drug injection, (1) it helps not to play a slow five-minute long tape evidencing your guilt in the murder of one of the witness’ grandmothers . . .

(2) It helps not to HAVE evidence of your guilt on a mixtape, helpfully labeled with the victim’s name on the front. (Seriously, who supplied the Teen Wolf set with so many mix tapes   . . . 1992?)

(3) Try to lethally inject your victims outright, rather than babbling on about how and why you’re going to do it, thus giving the hot deputy time to shoot you in the neck . . .

Silly Dead Brunski. You don’t deserve to be the Big Bad. Clearly you are just a hater of banshees. You aren’t smart enough to orchestrate an entire deadpool.   For that, we would need someone a bit more subtle in their villainy than you . . .

Someone awkward . . . someone weird . . . and oddly charming in a freaky sort of way . . . someone who everyone thought was dead, and hence, no one suspected at all . . . someone like . . . .

MEREDITH WALKER????!!

Now, this, I admit, was a genuine shock. Who exactly is Meredith Walker? Why does she hate supernaturals, considering she is one? Why did Brunski say she was controlling him? And is she working with/ or for anyone else?

So, many questions. And so little time until they are answered. Teen Wolf is set to air in just a few hours, so there’s barely enough to speculate. Only enough time to show you this . . .

and this . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Dream a Little Dream of Liam – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Time of Death”

Greetings Werebangers! This week the Scooby Gang came up with a devious plan to force the Benefactor out of hiding, and possibly get him to reveal his identity . . .

. . . it failed miserably . . .

. . . also, lots of people slept . . .

. . . some people boned . . .

. . . and Lydia, once again, found herself on an entirely different show than everyone else . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the fantabulous screencaps you see here. I most definitely wouldn’t have “visual confirmation” of Derek’s six pack each week without him. Thanks to whatever the heck Kate (or Peter?) did to him, the dude may be less of a wolf than he once was, but he’s clearly just as much Man Meat as he always was!]

Embrace the Little Spoon

The Politics of Bedsharing are arguably the most complicated and highly sensitive points of negotiation, when navigating a new relationship (second only to Matters Involving the Toilet Seat and Where To Hide the Feminine Hygiene Products). Are you a sleeper who requires personal space, while your significant other is a cuddler?   Do either of you happen to be blanket or pillow hogs? Do you have a tendency to kick people in your sleep? Do both of you crave the side of the bed closer to the door, to avail yourself of easy escape in the event of a surprise zombie attack? Does one of you talk in your sleep, or (gasp) snore?

Though Stiles opening sequence dream was obviously less of an actual dream, and more of a nostalgic memory, I enjoyed it for its subtlety, in the same way I enjoyed Stiles’ arguably more plot-relevant dream sequence, which kicked off Season 3A, and cleverly foreshadowed his nogitsune possession.

At the beginning of the Season, Stiles complained to Scott that Malia had, immediately upon starting a relationship with Stiles, taken it upon herself to become his regular bed mate. He also gripes that Malia has insisted that Stiles consistently function as the “little spoon” during their cuddle sessions.

We see that there’s at least a bit of truth to Stiles’ initial complaint, as one of the lone representatives of Team Human on the show tosses and turns in bed, bemoaning how, for years, he slept comfortably alone at its center. Meanwhile, Malia continually insists that his sleeping arrangements have now changed, so he best get used to it. Malia’s matter-of-fact insistence that, as Stiles’ “mate”, she automatically earns the right to sleep in his bed, even if it interrupts his normal sleep pattern, is either admirably feminist, or annoyingly clingy. How you view it, probably says a lot about how you view Malia as a character.

The veracity of Stiles’ second complaint is called into question, however, when we learn that, while it is Malia that first suggests the position of Little Spoon to Stiles, he is actually the one likes it best, as it offers him both the ability to have his center of the bed sleep uninterrupted, while offering him the added benefit of his girlfriend’s warmth and affection. As far as Bed-sharing Negotiations go, this one actually seems to have gone rather smoothly . . .

(Even if it has caused Stiles to feel a bit neutered by his girlfriend in the process, hence his need to lie to Scott about how the whole Little Spoon thing actually came about . . .)

“It’ll be our little secret.”

Of course, all of this is basically a long of saying that Stiles has come to rely on Malia’s Big Spoon Comfort to get him through the night. And now that he finally has the bed back to himself, is surprised to find that it feels lonelier and emptier than he remembered . . .

All together now . . . AWWWWW!

Something Borderline Idiotic . . .

The first time I ever suspected Papa McCall as possibly being a Benefactor suspect was this week, when (1) a ridiculous amount of time was spent on him recapping the events that led to the Chemist’s demise using the phrase “visual confirmation,” (2) an even more ridiculous amount of time was spent on him telling Scott about how the key to murdering dangerous individuals was to become cold and emotionless (and when that fails, drink yourself silly, (3) and then Scott’s dad proceeded to conveniently take himself out of the picture for the entire episode at the precise time when Scott was calling out the Benefactor directly and attempting to meet him face-to-face.

Also worthy of note: Papa McCall is kind of hot. The fact that I noticed this around the same time I pegged him as a possible sociopath says a lot about my taste in men . . .

Also on my list of Teen Wolf eligible bachelors . . .

Definite Sociopath #1

Potential Sociopath #2

Evil Wendigo . . .

Nogitsune Stiles . ..

Nuff said . . .

But enough about me, let’s talk about the Scooby Gang and their self-described “Borderline Idiotic” plan to track down the Benefactor . . .

First, what the Scooby Gang got right.   A spider has eight legs, cut off one or two, and the creature can still survive quite well. If you really want to defeat a spider you have to smush it chop off its head.

And so it goes with the Benefactor and his seemingly endless supply of Assassins of the Week. Up until this point, the Scooby Gang has focused on trying to catch assassins before they made their next kill.
The Mute

The Orphans

The Chemist

But to really protect the folks on the Deadpool, the Scooby Gang has to cut off its source of funding.

Now, if I were part of the Scooby Gang, my suggestion as to how to do this would be as follows: fake a convincing death shot of Scott . . .

. . . get the money from the Benefactor . . .

. . . hire a very good hacker (like Danny) to trace the funds back to their original source . . .

. . . bring down the Benefactor . ..

. . . take my friends on a much needed vacation to Tahiti . . .

Now, admittedly, that wouldn’t make for a very good show, which is probably why the Scooby gang decided to NOT show the benefactor visual confirmation of the deceased in order to “cull him out” . . .

. . . but “kill” Scott anyway, in a highly risky supernatural procedure, just for sh*ts and giggles   . . .

Geez! Haven’t they learned anything from the whole Bathtub Death Fiasco of Season 3A?

I think as soon as we heard the plan, most of us Werebangers figured it wouldn’t work. After all, last we checked, the Benefactor wasn’t a moron.   So, even if he did send someone to obtain “visual confirmation” of Scott’s demise (he didn’t), there’s a good chance he’d use a pawn completely unrelated to the whole Deadpool thing . . .

In the Scooby Gang’s defense, the “brains” of their operation was otherwise occupied . . .

Leaving our stalwart crew a bit like an eight-legged headless spider themselves . . .

Besides, this episode wasn’t really so much about the Benefactor, as it was about Scott’s unresolved romantic feelings for Little Liam, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

Playing Dead . . .

In Season 3A, Scott McCall went swimming in an ice cold bath tub and “died in a bathtub for eight hours . . . waking up with no obvious signs of brain damage (apart, of course, from the brain damage that was there before).

But this time around, Scott’s death is going to be by Kira-induced electric shock, which means he only has 45 minutes . . .

“Light as a feather, stiff as a board . . . light as a feather, stiff as a board.”

“Kitsune-gasm?”

No worries, this gives Scott plenty of time to have not one, not two, but three three homoerotic dream sequences, and some time left over to watch this old movie trailer to get in the appropriate mood . . .

In slightly less cynical news, Scott’s fake death was well done . . .

. . . not to mention ridiculously well-acted by Mama McCall, who . . . considering she was in on the act, the whole time, and wailed on cue, like a champ   . . . should seriously consider quitting her ridiculously underpaid and underappreciated job as The Only Living Medical Professional in Beacon Hills Who Isn’t a Total Moron . . . and heading to Hollywood, baby!

In which, Derek and Braeden “Heal Each other’s Wounds” . . . Biblically

Much like the Lydia scenes in this episode, Derek’s and Braeden’s Fun with Guns Sexpisode seemed like it came from a completely different show. (Was Derek left in the dark about the Scooby Gang ‘s plan because Scott and Stiles don’t want to give him and Peter back their money? It’s never really explained.)

And yeah, Derek’s and Braeden’s “romance” never really had much in the way of “background” or “character development.”

But hey, no complaints here. I’d watch Tyler Hoechlin Wereporn anyday (and twice on Monday nights).

Plus, from a plot perspective, given Derek’s diminished were powers, and the fact that his hand-to-hand combat abilities haven’t really been up to snuff since Season 2, it’s high time our Adult Wolf learned how to a handle a gun and “bend” into exotic sexual positions the rules of combat. Don’t you think?

And who better to be his Sensei then Weapons Expert, Chris Argent That New Chick He’s Boning?

Words with Friends

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Chris Argent and Stiles are engaging in a friendly G-chat with the Benefactor, using the handle “G” (for Guest? Good Guy? Greenberg?)

“Can we use gravestone and skeleton emojis?”

Stiles argues that the chat could be a bit more colorful, and contain a few more high-scoring words . . .

(He forgets that this is the same guy that calls his secret weapons stash, Argent’s Arms.)

When careful prodding doesn’t work, Chris the Badass resorts to threats . . .

Message sent and received . . .

Argent then wires the security cameras to the Scooby Gang’s laptop, so they can track absolutely nothing the point in time where a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m the Benefactor” casually waltzes into the hospital to take Scott McCall’s pulse . . .

We’ll be back, after this enlightening Dream Sequence Brought to You by Scott McCall . . .

Homoerotic Dream Sequence One: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute!

Scott McCall is in the closet. He climbs out. Hooray! (Good for you, Scott.)

Now, he’s at school, and sees Liam.

Liam tosses Scott his balls.

Scott catches and fondles the balls. Then Liam jogs very slowly away from Scott (playing hard to get, I guess, emphasis on “Hard”). Scott chases him.

He finds a laptop in the classroom. The keyword is his name. The targets are The Mute, The Orphans, and The Chemist, all of whom are already dead, so Scott gets no payment for killing them. Liam wants Scott to kill them AGAIN anyway, because homoerotic characters in dream sequences have the memory capacity of fruit flies.

Scott refuses, so the Mute comes back from the dead, and jams his big stick into Liam hard and repeatedly, thus proving that even ugly deceased Albinos without lips get more action than Scott.

Snooze you lose, Alpha!

Malia, I am your father the Desert Fox is your mother . . .

Malia breaks into the Hale vault again to visit her bio dad. They bond together by punching walls  . . .

. . . and reading Malia’s bloody illegible adoption records. Peter promises Malia he will help her find her mother, The Desert Wolf, whose name makes her sound vaguely like an exotic dancer Peter met at a sleazy night club on the Las Vegas Strip . . .

It would certainly explain a lot about Malia’s nascent erotic dancing abilities . . .

Speaking of parental bonding . . .

Ashes, ashes, we all fake our deaths!

And here we thought Gerard Argent was the only faux-deceased geriatric in Beacon Hills . . .

When Lydia’s mom follows her to the Lake House, the latter attempts to ply her with information about her late grandmother’s connection to late Meredith Walker.

Apparently, the two were roomies at Eichen House, who shared the same Boy from Sixth Sense tendencies, and possibly a magical mystical Bottom of the Cereal Box Benefactor Decoder Ring?

Lydia’s mom tells Lydia that her grandmother wished that Lydia, specifically, be the one to scatter her ashes on the latter’s 18^th birthday. But then, Lydia’s mom figures, “hey, in TV time, my daughter’s 17^th birthday was about 3 years ago. So, screw that old coot. Let’s scatter them now.”

Lydia dutifully opens her grandmother’s urn and is surprised to find that it’s not filled with ashes at all but with . . . wait for it . . .

Lydia then inexplicably determines that the entire house is made of mountain ash, which any of the Three Little Pigs will tell you is a bad construction idea . . .

(In other news, Mountain Ash has just been upgraded to a series regular in Season 5.)

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Two: Liam Gets Forked by the Mute, the Sequel (Now with more fangs and slightly less forking!)

“My what big teeth you have,” Liam muses to Scott, after the latter climbs out of the closet, and fondles Liam’s balls, just like before.

“Do you think it makes me sexier?” Scott inquires, more or less.

“No, it just makes me deader,” Liam replies, as he falls into Scott’s arms, forked again, by the Mute.

Damn Scott . . . so close, yet so far away . . .

Elsewhere in Awake Land, Live Liam is having only slightly greater luck, as he and Kira go to investigate a power outage on the roof, and find themselves facing off against those hulking Berserker things who are boredly kicking their teenybopper asses . . .

(Newsflash Kira: The power to electrocute people > the power to blindly wave around a knife and hit absolutely no one, before falling on your ass and daydreaming about your boyfriend, while napping . . . just saying)

Meanwhile . . . at the Hospital That Only Main Characters Can Leave Alive . . .

Kira’s mom fights Berserkers . . .

. . . and does even worse than Kira . . . Ruhr oh!

And Kate attempts to battle her brother Chris for Scott’s not-quite-so-dead body . . .

But after a little coaxing from her big bro decides to leave empty-handed

Homoerotic Dream Sequence Three: Scott Finally Forks Liam (while the Mute watches)

Out of the closet again . . .

But this time, it’s not Liam’s balls that Scott is fondling, it’s his bloody stick . . .

The Mute comes by to instruct Scott on the most effective thrusting motion . . .

. .. and then . . . it’s FORK TIME!

Now, that’s one satisfied Scott!

Alls well that ends . . .

Things happen kind of fast from here . . .

Scott wakes up . . .

The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .

So are Peter and Kate . . .

Malia returns to Stiles . . .

Annnnnd then she leaves again, wondering if sociopathy may be a hereditary trait . . .

Speaking of hereditary traits, apparently the Benefactor may be a banshee and/or Lydia’s grandmother . . . .

Next, week on Teen Wolf . . .

WE FINALLY GET TO SEE DEPUTY PARRISH NAKED, HOORAY!!!!

Until then, Werebangers!

Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .

(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)

                In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .

. . . having another assassin of the week.

In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie.  While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .

. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .

The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .

. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .

In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]

Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .

We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .

Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.

“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”

(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member.  I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)

Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy?  Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?

I’m going to guess the virus works . .  .

One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that.  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . .  .because he’s looking ROUGH.

Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .

Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.

Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!

(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices?   *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)

Evil Planus Interruptus

Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is.  (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first.  After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)

 

“I used to hump trees.  I don’t judge.”

 

Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .

“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”

It is a dark and stormy night . . .

Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .

Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai .  . .

Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .

But who is this Black Hooded Avenger?

Is it another assassin?

Neo?

A teenage mutant ninja turtle?

Nahhh, it’s just this senior citizen . . .

. . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.

(You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

Test Anxiety

With Daraches, Kanimas, Death Destroyers of Worlds, Assassins without Mouths, and Evil Japanese spirits on their tail each week, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Scott, Stiles and Co. are just your average mid twenty-somethings, who have been playing high school students for the last five years of their lives (two and a half of which has been spent on their ridiculously long junior year).

Enter the PSAT episode . ..

It’s a rite of passage for many a high school drama . . .

Most of those high school dramas, however, don’t start their Very Special PSAT Episodes off with a massive outbreak of a deadly virus . . .

Not a hickey . . .

Definitely not a hickey . . .

Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease.   (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)

Hello?  At least spring for some Purell?

(BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote?  Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)

The Banana Men Cometh

Be honest, if the CDC weren’t obviously the terrifying harbingers of Death and Rare Inexplicable Sudden Onset Illness, you’d think they were pretty funny looking, wouldn’t you?

Yellow Space Suit is the NewBlack Big Bird  . . .

Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.  The idea was not so much that having bodily contact with an outcast would cause your body to be infested with some sort of made-up bug, but rather that it would make you also become an outcast, which, to a ten-year old, was a fate far worse than any sort of real or imagined bug infestation.

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot.

Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere .  . .

I mean, sure, on some level, I think most kids recognize that the concept of cooties is fake and mean-spirited bullying . . . that you can’t become like someone, just from touching them.  But still most of us believed it enough to scoot over in our seats, when the supposedly infected walked past.

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And while the common practice of Disease Control to treat all exposed subjects as infected, until proven otherwise (even if that means quarantining them together with the already infected, thus ensuring that their likelihood of actually becoming infected themselves is greatly increased), is definitely the smartest method of preventing the unnecessary  spread of disease, it’s also super shitty for the uninfected quarantined, who undoubtedly are made to feel like nine-year olds wrongly classified by their peers as having “cooties.”

I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .

But then, everyone got sick anyway, so that point was made moot . . .

 

Sounds like some serious indigestion . . .

In Which Lydia Martin Talks to Stuff . . .

Poor Lydia, it feels as though she’s spent the entire season talking to inanimate objects and not getting a response . . .

“Hello, Record Player.  You look extra special pretty today.  Is that a new turntable?  Does this ponytail make me look fat?”

“Poor box.  Do you ever wish you were some other shape?  Something less . . . I don’t know . . . boxy, like an hourglass maybe?”

“I bought you something, empty bottle of old lady perfume!  Look, it’s dead flowers.  I bet you both smell alike!”

Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.  You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish, disappointment and guilt as she ponders questions with no easy answers.

Meredith and Lydia were never exactly the kind of girls you’d imagine being fast friends with one another . . .

Socially awkward Meredith, with her strange taste, odd affectations, and general inability to relate to the general public, was undoubtedly the target of more than her share of “Cootie Rumors” in high school . . .

. . . and they were probably made by girls who looked and acted a lot like Lydia.

That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another.  And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

Count on Meredith to cherish a sepia-toned picture of herself taken in the most dull and nondescript location possible .  . .

The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.  Could Meredith have been the secret lovechild of Papa Martin?   I suspect we will learn the answer in the next week or two . . .

Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith.  (And by Magical Powers I mean “talent for fashion and haircare.”)  It might not have saved her life, but girlfriend’s corpse would look totally fierce . . .

Divide and Conquer

When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection, it immediately becomes clear that their symptoms are not the same as the rashes, uncontrollable sweating, dizziness, fever and fainting experienced by the human population.

Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

. . . or this . . .

. . . and most definitely not this . . .

. . . which, of course, is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.  He simply releases the virus into the air where he assumes supernatural creatures will be, and, before he knows it, they are literally “dying” to reveal themselves  .  . .

This is why Scott and Co. need to go into hiding, like, yesterday . . .

. . .not to mention the fact that allowing the werewolves, foxes and coyotes to mingle with the human population in their current state, seems like the most obvious way to expose their identities, not just to assassins, but to the rest of the natural world . . . something they are not quite ready to do.

Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school!  For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device  . . .

Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault has officially become the new Mountain Ash . . .

But who will open it to let them in?

I know  . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

“Can you open the vault?”  Scott asks sweetly.  “You are the only one here with .  . . um, really long nails . . .” he offers, more or less.

Malia looks dubious, and a bit mistrustful, having determined by now, that, yes, her new friends (and boyfriend) are definitely hiding something from her . . .

. . . but she says nothing and complies.

Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

Smart guy!

You’re Coming Back, Right?

While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

“That didn’t take long!”

Deaton finally discovers the source of the virus that is wreaking havoc on the wolf population of Beacon Hills.  Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper .  . .

Thank you, Teen Wolf, for teaching me about a new dog disease!

Back at school, Stiles volunteers to leave the vault, and let the massive hordes camped outside the school know that Scott, Lydia, and Malia are OK . . . you know . . . apart from dying a painful death and stuff.

Malia makes Stiles promise to come back for her and he does.

All together now . . . awwwwww .  . .

Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

 

“And it’s filled with vitamins, and antioxidants, and keeps me looking way younger than my 1,000 years of age.”

Hello, Derek!   People are dying here.  Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!

But wait!  Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked.  (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

But how do we get the tea to Scott and co., before they all die, and this show has to change its name from Teen Wolf to Teen Nothing . . .?

Also known as The Stiles Show . . .

Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault!  And why wouldn’t it be?  Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything!  From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

You know what else I bet is in the vault?

Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

Visual Confirmation Required

Stiles figures out that Coach caught the virus by “borrowing” the stamp pad used to fingerprint the PSAT test takers, after his red one ran out of ink.

“I was wondering how that idiot got sick?”   The Chemist muses, having gone into full-on villain mode, now that we have less than ten minutes left in the episode, and it’s become clear he’s not going to be invited back for an encore . . .

Like this guy . . .

Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.

 

“This day could have gone better.  Not going to lie . . .”

Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.  And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.

“At least now if I croak, I finally won’t have to worry about dying a virgin.”

The Chemist puts a gun to Stiles head and BLAM, Stiles’ face is covered in blood . . .

“Death is wetter and saltier than I imagined.”

. . . but not his own.

“Such a clean death . . .  Must be from all the tea I’ve been drinking . . . *winks before dropping dead, as the Lipton logo appears over his face*”

All hail the Banana Man!  This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .

Unmask yourself, Banana Man!

 

“It’s MEEEEEE!  YAY!”

Wow!  Was not expecting that . . .

No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood, for what just happened to him (and . . . you know . . . the whole Japanese possession thing), Papa McCall has a message for Stiles from Deaton and Co. . . “Get the mushroom tea.  Save the Werewolves!  Save the World!”

Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time!   (Go figure!)

Fortunately for the Scooby Gang, only blindness (not deafness) is a symptom of canine distemper. And so Scott manages to “smell” the tea, knock it down and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time.  Everyone is saved . . .

Maybe  . . .

More Money, More Problems . . .

Back at the hospital Satomi faces off against another assassin.  This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .

Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..

The good news is that Scott and Stiles no longer have to lie to her.  The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

Ouch . . . that’s cold.

Next week on Teen Wolf, Scott practices a skill most canines know well .  . . playing dead . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Death Becomes Them – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Orphaned”

This was a pretty bloody one, Werebangers! It appears that no one was safe from the Grim Reaper’s mighty scythe this week on Teen Wolf ...

Not these rejected extras from the cast of Sons of Anarchy . . .

Or this unfortunate pack of nomadic hippy Buddhist werewolves (who inexplicably cobbled enough money to send one of their own to Prep SCHOOL?) . . .

I guess selling alcohol to minors is a more lucrative undertaking than we thought . . .

Too soon?

Not Beacon Hill’s increasingly sparse population of cops (which may be a bit of a secret relief to Sheriff Stilinski, seeing as the entire station house looks roughly the size of a bathroom) . . .

Or loveable, possibly autistic, banshees with really cool hair . . .

And certainly not Evil!Macauley Culkin . . .

. . . and his EVIL-I-ER girlfriend . . .

But all was not Doom and Gloom in this week’s episode entitled “Orphaned” . . .

There were golden farts . . . (which, BTW, are way funnier than clear farts)

And happy reunions . . .

And there was hugging . . .

. . . lots . . .

 

. . . and lots . . .

. . . of hugging . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty shout out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here. Capturing all 31 Flavors of Scott McCall’s Confused Facial Expressions is by no means an easy job! But someone has to do it.]

There’s Just Something About a Mixtape . . .

More impressive than anything else that happened in this episode, to me, anyway, was the fact that someone on Teen Wolf’s production crew was able to find (1) a store that still sells cassette tapes; and even more shocking, (2) a car with a built in tape deck.

Screw the Deadpool! That jalopy Kate was sleeping in was clearly a classic. She could have raked in some serious G’s selling that thing!

And while Kate at least seems old enough that she would know what to do with the strange clear plastic rectangle placed before her while she slept . . .

Not born yesterday . . .

I’m thinking the highly specific instructions on the tape . . .

. . . came in very handy for Evil!Macauley and Co., who probably assumed they had inadvertently stumbled upon the protype for the iPhone 6.

Psst! Jeff Davis, your age is showing . . .

And while I like to consider myself more a descendant of the MP3 Generation (OK . . . so, maybe I’m more of a Compact Disc Child, but there’s no need to point fingers.), I must admit there’s something a bit more personal about a lovingly compiled mixtape, than the “cool playlist” you uploaded to all your Facebook Friends on the cloud last week, in less than three minutes. For one thing, mixtapes make it that much more difficult to ignore your friends’ and significant others’ more idiosyncratic music tastes . . .

“If I have to fast forward through another Justin Bieber song, I’m going to scream!”

But I digress . . . a lot . . .

This week’s Teen Wolf episode opens to a flashback to 25 years earlier, when people still used cassette tapes four weeks earlier, when Hobo Kate woke up in a run-down sports car on a rainy night to find a new tape in her heretofore completely ignored tape deck . . .

Undoubtedly eager to hear some new Werejaguar Workout tunes, Kate quickly slips the tape into the cassette deck and presses “play.”

So, of course, you could imagine how pissed off she is to find that the substance of the tape is much less “Jock Jams” and much more “National Geographic: Werewolf Edition,” complete with the trademark sleepy voice of some guy straight out of central voiceover casting for The Discovery Channel . . .

Kate’s out for REVENGE!

So, she text messages all her cuddly bear friends . . .

And the group head out on an Assassin Murder Spree . . .

“Who made me this crappy mixtape, that doesn’t include a single song by Katy Perry?” She demands furiously! (Come on, we all know Kate’s a big fan of “Roar.”)

The Biker dudes are clueless, offering up only the fairly unhelpful informational tidbit that Evil!Macauley received the same mixtape, and was equally annoyed because it included no songs by One Direction.

So Kate and the Bad News Bears eviscerate their asses. (But in Papa Bear’s defense, he at least looks like he feels kind of guilty about it . . .)

“Poor guy! He had great style. Remind me to ask Mason what gets blood stains out of leather?”

Little Orphan Violet

You ever see the straight-to-video sequel to Annie, where Annie’s slightly less nauseatingly adorable bunkmate Violet gets told by Miss Hannigan to “make these floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building” one too many times, and decapitates her drunk ass with a thermal cut wire, before escaping the orphanage to seek vengeance on evil adults everywhere?

No?

Your loss. That was a damn good movie!

Back at school, Violet gets an evil glint in her eye, when she finds herself getting strong-armed by Deputy Parrish, a.k.a. Jordan Parrish, and it’s not just because he looked so good naked in the promos . . .

He’s on the Deadpool! And worth a cool $5 million.

Papa McCall takes this opportunity to taunt Violet about her parent-less-ness, as he offers a paternal wink back at his son Scott, perhaps, reminding him that having a “sh*tty, alcoholic, absentee dad,” is way better than having no dad at all . . . kind of . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Vet . . .

Is it Rabies?   Because it kind of looks like Rabies . . .

Douchebag Brett is naked on Deaton’s operating table.   (Hey Deaton, how are you getting all the hot males to disrobe for you?)   He’s frothing at the mouth, and seizing something fierce. Stiles and Derek are trying to hold him down, but failing miserably, because Kate has kidnapped Derek’s Were Balls, and Stiles is . . . well . . . Stiles.

It just occurred to me that these two haven’t had the opportunity to share much screentime of late, so it’s kind of nice to see them grunting and sweating on each other, for old time’s sake . . .

Then, Peter comes and clocks Douchebag Brett in the face, like it’s his job . . .

Derek seems suspicious. Then again, maybe he’s just jealous of Peter’s hypnotic baby blues . . .

“You have beautiful eyes. I used to have beautiful eyes, before I had slightly less beautiful red eyes . . . and then I had beautiful blue eyes again (Sniffle).”

Deaton then takes the opportunity to cut into Douchebag Brett’s tummy and emit a noxious gas.

Too much Taco Bell?

“Three things that don’t wish to be hidden, the Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” Douchebag Brett chants . . .

Hey, Werebangers, that sounds like the annoying catch phrase of the about-to-be-killed? Doesn’t it?

Deaton remarks that the phrase is actually Buddhist, which causes Derek to make the connection between these targeted werewolves, and the only over 18 Asian woman he knows, aside from Kira’s mom . . .

Derek, that’s a little racist. I’m not going to lie . ..

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Back at school, Scott finds Evil!Macauley’s Deadpool stash conveniently hidden in his gym locker. (Dude was a professional assassin, but didn’t think to invest in a safe deposit box for his millions of dollars in Benefactor dough? What a schmuck!)

Scott then stealthily lies to Liam about finding the money. Though, I’m not sure how he managed to explain to the Beta wolf why, if he “found nothing,” in the killers locker, he still decided to leave the lockers with his massive red gym bag in tow.

“I find smelly gym socks a major turn on. It’s a True Alpha thing.”

Also, not to be nitpicky, but with a serial killer on the run, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary police officer think to immediately commandeer all of the contents of said killer’s locker as evidence?

Just saying . . .

Back at the McCall House, Mama McCall is pleading with the electric company to turn her power back on. Apparently, she’s three months late on her bills, despite the fact that she’s pretty much the only employee still alive at the Beacon Hills Hospital. Now, if those aren’t grounds for a major raise, I don’t know what is!

Not to mention the fact that Scott’s dad, the Big Fancy FBI Guy, has been crashing on the couch for months, basically rent free. Hello? Child support!

All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Scott’s kind of poor, but probably shouldn’t be . . .

Either way, that Deadpool money currently sitting under his bed (and right under Big Fancy FBI Guy’s nose) is looking mighty appetizing to him, right about now . . .

Friends with (Death) Benefits . . .

The whole dynamic Liam shares with his froshie pals is honestly a bit confusing. We are led to believe that Mason is his adorable gay best friend for life, despite the fact that the two kids apparently didn’t attend the same school until just a few months prior. Maybe . . .

(Help me out, Lacrosse Fans. Is this generally a fall sport, or a spring one?   Because we know the season just started.)

Granted, Mason and Liam could have been childhood neighbors, who were lifelong friends, despite NOT going to the same school. But that doesn’t explain the pair’s being supposedly so tight with Garrett and Violet. Two “kids” who seemingly transferred to Beacon Hills High for the sole purpose of crashing Liam’s and Mason’s lame weekly “Movie Nights.”

“Hey, who is up for watching Teen Wolf 2? I hear the guy from Arrested Development was awesome in it?”

No matter. After the events of this week’s episode, it is pretty safe to say, after the events of this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, the bromance between Mason, Liam and Garrett is DUNZO!

“Wait, let me get some salt. It will wash the blood stains right out of this concrete!”

Nothing says, “you are no longer part of my social circle,” like throwing your former pal into a really, really deep water-logged Hole of Schmutz, not unlike the place where James Franco chopped off his arm in 127 Hours . . .

“You can’t sit with us.”

Follow my nose . . .

By the way, did you know that Froot Loops are all the same flavor. As someone who has eaten froot loops, just about every day, since she got her first baby teeth, and literally just learned this five minutes ago, I feel your pain, if your mind has just been blown . . .”

In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, Malia fully cements herself as part of the pack, by proudly becoming the last cast member to be inappropriately stalked by Derek on school grounds . . .

Since, Derek’s schnoz has been a bit on the fritz lately, and Malia is an old pro when it comes to smelling poo in coyote caves, and fear in lacrosse stands, everyone’s favorite Former Alpha recruits the sassy werecoyote for a little school day game of “Find the Buddhist Were Pack and warn them of impending death.”

Malia is more than happy to go along for the ride, since her boyfriend Stiles spends every even episode with Lydia, and this is one of them.

Finding a bullet in the grass leads Malia to determine that Brett’s pack of Buddhist wolves has gone into hiding. (I hope they brought Froot Loops!)

Thinking like her boyfriend . . .

. . . leads Malia to determine that the pack is hiding in place infused with Buddhist meaning . . .the easternmost point in Beacon Hills.

(Congratulations Malia, your nose has officially just become more useful to the Scooby Gang than Lydia’s annoying screaming . . .)

Too bad you and Derek are already too late.

In your defense, attractive Were-cousins. A pack that thinks lying out in an open field is an effective hiding strategy kind of deserve to bite it . . .

I’m guess Evil!Macauley and Violet poisoned their food supply with the yellow fart wolfsbane?

That sucks. What’s worse, I bet all this could have totally been avoided, if they just ate Froot Loops, like I said in the first place. . .

Amidst the wreckage, Derek finds one lone survivor. Braden the Mercenary . . .

“Well, I’m not technically a werewolf, so wolfsbane doesn’t work on me. Also, I can’t die yet, because you and I haven’t boned, Der Bear. Didn’t you watch the Comic Con trailers?”

“I like you. I’m going to keep you.”

Deputy Parrish (Please don’t end up being evil, Deputy Parrish. Because, the way Meredith looked at you, in this week’s scene, it kind of seemed like you might by the Benefactor, i.e. Evil. And I really don’t want you to be evil. You are so pretty!) gains major points with our Scoobies, by (1) having a little self-deprecating sense of humor about his impending demise . . .

. . . and not being above using a bit of bribery to get Stiles and Lydia into Eichen House, where they will once again seek Meredith’s help in determining which of Lydia’s dead friends was lucky enough to be the code to crack the final third of the Deadpool list.

I think Stiles has even developed a little man crush on the guy . . .

Meredith, however, is slightly less charmed, and understandably so. After all, what good has helping the Scooby Gang got her so far, apart from being targeted by the Benefactor, and berated by the Ginger.

She never even got to bone Isaac, for crying out loud!

 

I wouldn’t help them if I was you, either Meredith . . .

That said, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as this banshee in making my refusal known. “No means no,” for sure.

But self strangulation, means, “Definitely not.”

(Assuming Meredith actually did strangle herself. Does anyone else smell the possibility of foul play? Follow your nose . . .)

We’ll miss you, Meredith.   Here’s hoping a smirking Daniel Sharman clone is waiting for you in that big Banshee-Friendly Eichen House in the Sky . . .

It’s an Evil!Macaulay Kabob (Tastes like Chicken!)

Elsewhere on campus, Evil!Macaulay is engaging Scott in some good old-fashioned blackmail.   “Stop my boo from getting transferred to Alcatraz, and I won’t let your Mini-Me get poisoned to death,” he offers helpfully.

As the two sort-of enemies head out on their dastardly stakeout, we know Scott means business, because he’s wearing a hoodie . . .

I don’t think I’ve seen Scott wear a hoodie in the entire four seasons of this series. I like it . . .

But by the time Scott and Evil!Macauleyreach the car transporting Violet, which is conveniently being chaperoned by Deputy Stilinski and Papa McCall, natch . . ., the Berserkers have already done Scott’s job for him . . .

I’d say this car has been successfully stopped. Wouldn’t you?

“Violet’s already gone,” Scott warns.

But Douchey Evil!Macauley isn’t smart enough to take no for an answer, he starts showing off his mad fencing skills to the Berserkers, who, for the record, seem less than impressed. (Of course, that may be because their helmets make it difficult to enjoy all the fancy swordplay to its fullest.)

R.I.P. Garrett, best of luck in Home Alone 7 . . .

Violet, you’re turning Violet!

Upon learning that Kate is responsible for kidnapping Violet, and Violet is the only person left alive (haha), who knows where Liam has been stored, Deaton and Scott call upon Chris Argent, who brings the pair to a place conveniently called “Argent Arms.” Talk about a sh*tty hiding place for someone named “Argent!”

Apparently, no one in Beacon Hills ever played the game hide and seek as a child.

“I thought we could do this later,” Kate muses, upon being confronted.

That doesn’t mean her and her Bears aren’t up for a fight. And while the Grizzlies don’t quite kill Scott and Chris (because Kate won’t let them) . . .

. . . they do toss them around quite a bit. And Scott gets tossed right into Violet . . .

“At least now you can be reunited with your parents . . . and your boyfriend . . . and your boyfriend’s parents. And three-quarters of the cast of this episode. Hey, I wonder if they have Movie Night in Hell.”

Somewhere in Beacon Hills, Mason is coming up with some really great tips to get Berserker Murder Stains out of denim jackets . . .

Coming Soon to a Coffin Near You . . .

Upon determining that the third key to the Deadpool might not be someone who is already dead, but rather someone who will die before the show’s hiatus, Stiles and Lydia quickly uncover the list using Derek’s name, a good guess, seeing as the character has “fake died,” at least twice every season.

A few interesting things to note about the third list. First, it includes Liam, despite the fact that the Teenier Wolf was only bitten a few weeks ago at most, after all this killing started. (You recall, he was bitten when Scott was trying to save him from Wendigo Sean, after the latter was tracked down by The Mute.)

This means that either the third list was created sometime after the first two, OR that the Benefactor has some Banshee-like powers of omniscience.

Second, the list refers to Malia as a “Hale,” as opposed to “Tate,” the name of her surrogate dad on the show. Malia’s true parentage is particularly rare known fact on this show, one that, at least we are led to believe is still a mystery to Malia herself, her clueless biological father, Peter, and, pretty much, everyone in Beacon Hills apart from The Scooby Gang.

Given that, it seems strange that The Benefactor would be so willing to give that information out to every assassin of supernaturals, within a 20 mile radius . . .

Speaking of Peter, I don’t recall seeing him on the list (did I miss him?), which would seem to make him a prime suspect as The Benefactor, one who could have easily coordinated the “heist” of his own money, and used it to eliminate the supernatural competition, rendering him Alpha Supreme in Beacon Hills.

Of course, a smart Benefactor, who also happened to be of supernatural origin would put himself on the list to avoid such suspicion . . .

Someone like this guy?

Then again, perhaps, the true Benefactor is someone a bit more surprising . . . someone who has flown a bit more under the radar recently . . . a person whose smart enough to frame a fellow former Teen Wolf villain as his (or her) pawn . . .

Just a thought . . .

Here’s Howling at You, Kid!

Right about the time all hope seems lost for Sexy But Illegal Liam, he gives out a howl, leading Scott to uncover his location, and bring him back to Deaton’s for the “golden fart” treatment, just in time . . .

It is at the vet’s office that Scott has his annual epiphany. “No one else should die on this show . . . not even the extras,” Scott announces determinedly.

Yeah, good luck with that . . .

Elsewhere, in a dank, dirty sewer, two rats make a deal with one another. One seeks control and acceptance back into her family fold, despite the monster she has become . . .

The other seeks . . . wait for it . . . POWER.

Next week on Teen Wolf, everyone gets the Ebola virus and dies.

Nah, I’m just monkeying around.

Get it, monkeying . . . Ebola virus?

Too soon?

Until next time, Werebangers!

Eye Spy – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Kingdom of the Blind”

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I made the mistake of telling Mona that my PLL recap was going to be late again this week.  She didn’t take it well . . . 

Que Pasa, My Pretties!  Wow, with one character faking blind, another faking pregnant, a third possibly faking crazy, and a fourth faking her student’s good grades, who would have thought that the PLL Girls would end up being the most honest characters on the show?

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This week on PLL, quite a few supporting characters found their lives caught in an ever-growing web of Big Fat Fibs.

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Also, Lucas became a Pyro, and Mona continued her new weekly trend of doing completely random things, by singing, temper tantruming (Is tantruming even a verb?), and playing solitaire, all in the same episode!

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That Rosewood . . . it sure is a wild and wacky place.  Let’s review, shall we?

In which Lucas and Caleb Swap Personalities . . .

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So, remember back when Lucas was still “nerdily delicious?”

Ahhh .  . . those were the good old days.  And while, I must admit the peach fuzz he started sporting on his face, ever since the day the writers decided he was “BAAAAAD” is kind of hot (in a dirty way) . . .

. . .  I miss my adorkable stud muffin .  . . A LOT.

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But I digress . . . the episode begins with Lucas getting reamed out by his principal, for having a BAAAD attitude, and getting BAAAAAD grades.

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 Here’s hoping he merely has a bad case of Senioritus, because he already got into Yale or something.  And yet, somehow I doubt it . . .  A very concerned Hanna rushes to comfort the dude she once voluntarily pushed out of a boat.

Lucas responds by burning a letter to his parents, and allowing the “flaming missive” to set fire to a random classroom trashcan.  (That’s right, Lucas!  You show that trashcan who’s boss!)

Martyr Hanna rushes toward the flames to rescue the letter.  And Caleb — the guy who used to sleep in the school library, get lots of detention, and steal everyone’s cell phone, in turn — rushes to rescue Hanna.  It’s one big happy rescuing family . . .

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Apparently,  Caleb stopped hanging out with Lucas . . .

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. . . around the same time Lucas started slinking around the streets of Rosewood at 4 a.m., like a homeless person.

This, coincidentally was also around the same time that Caleb stopped BEING an actual homeless person, because he got a rich mom he never knew he had.

Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?  These two just totally did a personality swap . . .  kind of like in that movie where Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman pee, in the fountain and subsequently switch bodies . . .

Now, Caleb,  a.k.a. the guy who started dating Hanna, because Formerly Blind Jenna paid him to do it, is the one lecturing her about honesty, and fearly protecting her from creepers like Crazy Mona.

And Lucas is the one HANGING out with the creepers, making vaguely threatening statements to everyone he encounters, and trying to convince Hanna not to be so gosh darn naive.

Oh . . . did I mention Lucas also VISITS crazy Mona at the loony bin . . . the same girl who, in the not so distant past,  bullied him almost as aggressively as Alison, herself, did?

The plot . . . it thickens . . .

Speaking of good girls and boys going bad . . .

In which Mama Montgomery gets herself into deep doo doo . . .

So, last week we watched Mama Montgomery help an unwitting Emily cheat on a test, by taking it for her.  This week, Emily becomes convinced that “A” helped her cheat on the test, and spends most of the episode, whining to everyone who will listen that she should have gotten a lower grade.

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As my brilliant friend sassyfran so cleverly noted, Emily should really consider SHUTTING UP.

We don’t get much for free in this world.  And when life hands you a 94%, proverbial or actual, you TAKE IT, say thank you, and then run away, before anyone realizes you don’t really deserve it . . .

But this story really isn’t about Emily, for a change.  It’s about Mama Montgomery, who’s being brought before the principal on suspicion of cheating, and Fitzy, who knows ALL ABOUT wanting to provide a little extra pleasure to students in his English class . . . if you catch my drift.

In the end, Fitzy comes to Ella’s aid, saving her from having to confess to her crimes, and possibly losing her job.

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When Ella asks Fitzy why he did what he did, he tells her “because I rather enjoy f*&king your daughter, and wish to consider doing so for the forseeable future” “a long time ago, we used to be friends” . . .

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 . . .  which, of course, distracts me from the rest of the episode, because I can’t stop thinking about (and singing) this . .  .

Damn you, Fitzy, and your catchy theme song phrases!

Speaking of teenage girl super sleuths . . .

In which we wonder why anyone would want to go through the trouble of faking preggers for multiple months . . .

Spencer gets to make her trademark Spencer Face plenty this week, when she catches BOTH her mom and her aggressively unlikeable,  crazy pants’ sister in a MASSIVE lying game.

It all starts with Mama Hastings admitting to her daughter’s that she has agreed to represent Police Boy Garrett, the very same possible double murderer that she FORBID Spencer to visit in jailing just two weeks prior.

B*tch Sister Melissa, who’s been looking remarkably baby bump free, of late,  seems surprisingly cool with the idea, which leads Spencer to suspect foul play.

Apparently, Melissa’s been mightly chilly with Spencer, ever since the summer, when she supposedly had a miscarriage out of town, and Spencer wasn’t there to support her in her “hour of need.”

You must be wondering why I put “hour of need” in quotes.  After all, losing a baby is AWFUL . . . right?  At least, I assume it’s awful . . . I never actually lost one . . . or found one for that matter.

Except,  as Spencer finds out later, Melissa didn’t lose her baby this summer, she lost WAAYYYY earlier than that, possibly back in Season 1, after that car accident.  This pretty much means girlfriend’s been waltzing around with a pillow up her shirt for MONTHS.  And Spencer’s mom’s been keeping that secret for at least half that time.

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The question is why?  And what the eff does it have to do with Police Boy Garrett, who Melissa claims is the only boy who never lied to her, despite all those times he lied to Spencer . . . the cops . . . and everyone else on this show.

Could Police Boy have been the real father of Melissa’s baby?  Had she carried it to term, would it have come out looking like this?

Or this . . .

We may never know . . .

In which Not So Blind Jenna gets busted . . . FINALLY . . .

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Last week, I cheered on the PLL girls, when they decided to use their recently acquired knowledge of Blind Jenna’s not-so-blindness as leverage against her and the so-called “A” team.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see Aria going undercover as Blind Jenna’s Band Geek friend, and super excited, when the littlest PLL found the handwritten note, instructing Jenna to go to “H.Cobb at 4:15” and bring “earplugs.”

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It all started out great, with the girls tailing Jenna, as she went from cab to car, and ended up at a SHOOTING RANGE.  You know, because Blind People have SUCH great aim.

(Note: If you recall, last week the “A” team was picking up some guns and Ammo.  This might be one of the reasons why.)

And while it was wholly satisfying to watch Hanna corner Blind Jenna, as she DROVE HER CAR away from the shooting range, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed that the girls never ACTUALLY played the A game, by blackmailing Jenna into giving them intel about “A” like they initially planned.

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Hanna TOTALLY jumped the gun here.

And that speech Blind Jenna gave, about faking blind to PROTECT herself from “A?”

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  If you believe that, than allow me to let you in on a secret, I’ve only been pretending to be an anonymous girl blogger.  I’m actually Ian Somerhalder, star of The Vampire Diaries . . .

Riiiight . . .

In which Mona entertains everyone, but especially herself . . .

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But if I had to pick an MVP of this episode, it would absolutely be Mona.  Seriously, how entertaining is this Looney Tune?

You just never know what you’re going to get with her.  One minute she’s the clingy outcast . . .

. . . the next minute she’s Queen B . . . Then, all the sudden she’s a homicidal sociopath, with super human strength.  Two episodes later she’s a drooling invalid, who cuts herself with tweezers, in moments of “clarity.”

Now, she’s the Belle of the Crazy Ball, regaling all the other nut jobs with beauty tips she learned in magazines . . .

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 . . . gossiping with Hanna, having secret meetings with BAAAD Lucas, and teaching Caleb how to play solitaire, while giving him makeout advice . . .

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But wait, by the end of the episode, she’s changed again.  Now, she’s a RAVING LUNATIC . . . a secret American Idol candidate . . . and a hoarder of playing cards?

Maybe next week, SHE’LL be Ian Somerhalder . . . (Now THAT’S a Mona I’d like to see . . .)

In which A drinks coffin vodka .  . . EWWW!

Ahhh, we’ve the final scene of the episode .  . . the “A” team moment.  We pan out on a floor filled with “A” paraphenalia.  There are teeth, twine, and letter blocks, like the ones “A” used to make that gross necklace Emily got last week.

Ever the lush, “A” chugs down an already open bottle of vodka, and returns it to its natural resting place . . . an ice box . . . with Ali’s body (presumably) inside.

Mmmmm . . . nothing like a little dead corpse flavor to go with your mixed drink.

I’m thinking one of the PLL girls (probably Hanna . . . that lush!) . . .

. . . put the bottle in Ali’s coffin as a “keepsake” of some sort . . . just as Aria had put in that ugly pair of earrings.

But still, did “A” really have to drink it?  That’s just gross . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]