Guys and Dolls – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Over My Dead Body”

HANNA:  “Man, those dolls are ugly!  Do you think they are going to crawl out of the box and try to bite our faces off?  Because I am way too pretty for that . . .”

SPENCER:  “Ummm . . . I don’t think this is that kind of show.”

EMILY:  “Are you sure?   But what about the time when A somehow entered my Alpha Bits box, and made sure it was made up of all letter ‘A’s’ . . . or the time when she INJECTED MY PAIN CREME WITH STEROIDS . . .And don’t even get me started on the time “A” SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVED Ian’s 175-plus pound dead body from the rafters of a church and carried it to who knows where, in a matter of seconds?”

ARIA: “You’re right.  The DOLLS ARE ALIVE!  EVERYBODY RUN!”

True Story . . . When I was about 8 or 9ish, I had a porcelain doll collection that I loved very dearly.  I just thought those dolls were the most beautiful things in the world.  They stayed on a shelf in my room.  I had names for all of them.  And I could spend hours just staring into their round little eyes, and perfect porcelain faces.

In my defense, the dolls in question looked absolutely nothing like these hideous plastic pieces of crap . . . 

Then, I became old enough to watch horror movies . . .  And those horror movies told me that, more likely than not, my doll collection was out to make me do terrible things and/or kill my family and friends and/or tie me to a piece of furniture, while systematically removing various body parts of mine.

So, while most teenagers and young adults were GROWING OUT of the fear that their inanimate objects possessed supernatural powers, I was GROWING INTO mine.  And that’s how my once-beloved porcelain doll collection ended up, first, in the hallway closet, and then, in my basement, and finally (when I moved out of my childhood home), in a box to be shipped off to the neighbors, forever.  (They were probably worth a lot of money too!)

So, what I’m basically saying is, if I was sent a doll in the mail that kind of looked like me, and told me to: stop a wedding, or travel to some desolate area for no good reason, whatsoever, or make somebody “go away,” I don’t think would follow its orders.  In fact, it’s much more likely that I would SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER . . . and then go hide under my bed, for the rest of my existence . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s doll-centric PLL Summer Finale.  It both scared the crap out of me, and made me a little bit angry.  Yet, I was simply too intrigued about what was going to happen next to look away . . .

And so, before I go back to hiding under my bed, my Pretties, I would like to share with you my FINAL PLL recap of the summer season . . .

(By the way, special thanks to PrettyLittleLiarsFan.com for the screencaps you see here . . .)

Lawyer Up, Liars!

The episode begins with three of the four PLL girls (WHERE’S EMILY?) seated, at a long table with dresses on their bodies, pusses on their faces, and strategically-placed bits of dirt on their arms and cheeks.  (Only the PLL girls can take a thing like “having crap on your face” and make it look like “just another layer of foundation.”)  The room in question is the swankiest police interrogation room, I have ever seen  . . . complete with two-way mirror, fancy chandelier, and file cabinets, galore.  There even appear to be PICTURES ON THE WALL.  (Taxes in Rosewood must be SUPER HIGH to pay for this!)

“I’ll get you my Pretties, and your little boyfriends too!” 

Watching the PLL girls from the other side of the two-way mirror is (SURPRISE, SURRPRISE!) Police Boy Garrett.  Man, this guy is like a bad pimple!  No matter how many times you think he’s gone for good, he just keeps popping back up to ruin your social life!  Police Boy Garrett is having a Typical Smug Villain Conversation with Unseen Special Guest Star, who he says, will probably get a promotion for nabbing a bunch of underage chicks in frilly dresses, and mercilessly interrogating them for a murder that, supposedly, has already been solved.  (Remember how “Ian” “confessed?”  Well, apparently, nobody else does either . . .)

“muah hahaha! It looks like I got away with MURDER!  Oh wait . . . I didn’t kill Ali either  . . . and I’m also DEAD.  So . . . nevermind.”

Then Unseen Special Guest Star comes to pay the ladies a personal visit.  He informs them that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania.  And they are “going down.”  (Yes, he actually says “going down,” like someone out of a bad Spiderman comic book.)  Umm . . . yeah . .  . thanks for the little legal lesson, Unseen Special Guest Star.  But, as “tough on crime” as the Great State of Pennsylvania may be, I’m pretty sure homicide is a capital offense EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  Just sayin . . .

It isn’t until the final seconds before the theme song starts playing, that we finally get a glimpse of Unseen Special Guest Star’s face.  And while his FACE is, in fact, very familiar, to us old-school PLL fans who’ve been watching the show since the beginning . . . I’d venture to guess that . . .umm . . . other parts of his anatomy are slightly more familiar to us . . .  You’ll see what I mean, in just a moment.

Who the f*&k is THIS GUY? 

OH!  Hi Deputy Douchey!  We’ve missed you! 🙂 

Shrinkypoo . .  . Where are YOU?

A helpful graphic on our screen informs us that time has magically rewound.  It is now twelve hours earlier than it was before.  Meanwhile, our eyes tell us that it is Aria’s turn to wear HER version of the off-the shoulder streetwalker-type outfit worn last week by Emily, and the week before by Spencer (which means, Hanna gets it next week.)  Coincidentally, Aria is also wearing a Snookie from Jersey Shore ponytail poof and oddly uncomfortable-looking door-knocker earrings, that are roughly the size of her entire face . . .

Anywhoo . . . somehow the girls have figured out where Shrinkypoo lives, and they are nosing around her house looking for her.  BUT SURPRISE!  She is NOT THERE, and, from the looks of it, hasn’t been there in quite some time!  (Where can she BE?)

Ever the voice of reason, Spencer informs the girls that it is very likely that “A” KILLED Shrinkypoo, since that’s pretty much what “A” does when people figure out his or her identity.  Spencer just hopes that “A” doesn’t send them all an annoying gloating text message about it, which is ALSO what he/she typically does in situations like this.  Lo and behold, a cell phone goes off, and Spencer, hilariously breaks the fourth wall, and gives a big middle finger to the writers for messing with her . . . or at least that’s what she WOULD have done, if she wasn’t on ABC Family.  But, since she IS on ABC Family, she just says, “That did NOT just happen.”

But happen, it did . . .

“Nice knowin ya, Shrinkypoo!  I’m off to get laid!” 

But don’t worry, my Pretties.  The mysterious message actually wasn’t from “A” for a change.  It was just Maya contacting Emily for a booty call.  (Unless, of course, you believe that Maya is actually “A” . . . which, you know, she might be.  Who knows?)

Lesbi-Friends? NAH!  Lesbi-LOVERS!

Emily and Maya are attempting to “get aquainted” in the bedroom (ahem).  But cockblock flowerblock Hanna can’t take the hint, and keeps needling Maya about what de-gaying camp was like (aside from being obviously ineffective, haha!).

“So, did you actually get to meet Michele Bachmann, or what?” 

Finally, Emily gives Hanna her best death stare, and forces her to leave the premises, IMMEDIATELY.  Hanna sheepishly complies, but not before awkwardly commenting on Maya’s new Tory Burch boots, much to Maya’s obvious discomfort.

 We all know how much Hanna just LOVES those damn Tory Burch boots.  Shrinkypoo had them too.  It’s what made Hanna decide to go into therapy.

I wouldn’t even bring this up.  However, there WAS a scene earlier this season, during which Gloved Hand purchased the same boots that Maya is wearing.  Does that mean Maya is definitely “A”?  Not necessarily, but I’d say it’s enough to make her yet another suspect . . .  Once they’ve kicked Hanna to the curb, Emily and Maya decide to start back as friends, until they “get to know eachother again.”  Meh!  “Knowing eachother” is overrated!  Let’s just get back to the Hot Sex, mmmkay?

Speaking of Hot Sex . . .

Oh BABY!

SPENCER: “So, do you think Facelift Vampire Jason covers up his windows so the sunlight doesn’t burn his skin?” 

TOBY: “Either that, or he must REALLY LIKE TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!”

SPENCER:  “Facelift Vampire Jason can read?”

“I am mesmerizing you with my vampire eyes, and new surfer boy haircut.”

Abs  Toby is screwing “hanging out” on Spencer’s bed again.  Of course, Spoby is relegated to screwing “hanging out” in Spencer’s house, and in the backseat of Abs Toby’s car .  . .

When Abs Toby’s car is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin! 

 . . .  because Blind Jenna frequents Abs Toby’s house.

Blind Jenna: preventing her brother from EVER having sex, one off-key note at a time . .  .

And everybody knows she has Evil Girl Crabs Policeboy Garrett Cooties, which NOBODY wants to catch, least of all Spencer.  Speaking of Abs Toby’s car, it apparently broke down, due to a release in breakline fluid, a car problem which just REEKS of “A” sabotage!

But Toby isn’t too worried about all that.  He’d much rather makeout with Spencer and talk about their future babies.  (WOW, Toby!  How Modern Male, of you.  Just be sure to use protection, so that you don’t end up on the next installment of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant: Rosewood Edition . . .)

TOBY: “If you’d just stop staring at Facelift Vampire Jason, we could start making babies, right now . . .” 

SPENCER:  “Must . . . stare at vampire eyes . . .  cannot . . . look . . . away (though, if you take off your shirt, I might be convinced).”

Abs Toby asks Spencer what she thinks their future kids would look like.  And Spencer, a girl after my own heart, can only think of ONE quality her kids will definitely have:  Abs Toby’s ABS!

Papa Spoby 

Baby Spoby 

What started out as an excellent conversation quickly turns into an uncomfortable one, when Toby begins interrogating Spencer about why her dad was randomly hanging out in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom in the middle of the night.   (Blood exchange?)  Though he doesn’t at all deserve it, Spencer decides to remain loyal to her dad, and not tell Abs Toby about the whole, “My Dad changed Grandma DiLaurentis’ will” thing.  (Riiiiiight, because the guy who got MOLESTED BY HIS OWN STEPSISTER, wouldn’t understand at all what it’s like to have evil family members.)  But when Abs Toby doesn’t buy Spencer’s initial explanation (After all, Spencer Face is NOT the kind to EVER leave a room without getting the whole story, from EVERYONE SHE KNOWS.), she gets a bit testy with him.

“So, your gene pool includes a sociopathic dad, and a heinous b*tch of a sister.  At least our babies will be pretty!” 

Could this be the first sign of cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship?  Speaking of perfect relationships . . .

Hi Honey, Welcome Back!  I have Back Fat . . .

“Mmmmm . .  . back fat .  . . feels . . . squishy!” 

You know how, when you first get into a new relationship, you are always on your absolute best behavior, because you don’t want your new signficant other to know that you have mood swings, or fat days, or frizzy hair, or that you have a tendency to whine, when things don’t go your way?  Yeah . . . apparently Hanna and Caleb are WAAAAAAAAYYYYY past that!  I mean, here comes New-haircut Caleb, fresh from California, and his meeting with the Mom He Never Knew He Had . . . and there’s Hanna talking about puke, and back fat, and ugly dresses . . . three topics which are music to any boy’s ears!  Fortunately, Caleb is so horny, he could really care less.  So, he kisses her deeply, in hopes that she will shut the heck up, and bring him back to the bedroom .  . . or the shower . . . or the tent . . . if you catch my drift . . .

Welcome back, Caleb . . . We really missed your . .  . um . . . assets! 

In other relationship news . . .

Two is Company, and Jackie is a B*tch!

“So, let me get this straight.  I bought you an ENGAGEMENT RING.  And you bought me a cheap styrofoam cup of watered-down coffee from the teacher’s lounge?   Yeah, we’re totally even now.”

Fitzy’s lounging on his massive brown office couch, when Poor Man’s Megan Fox comes bounding by, holding two EXTRA GRANDE cups of coffee, where her boobs are supposed to be  . . .

“Hey there, Fitzy!  Check out my massively large jugs.   They are double S .  . . for Starbucks.” 

By the time Aria arrives with her, much more reasonably sized cups of coffee.  (Unlike Jackie, Aria doesn’t have to worry about Fitzy FALLING ASLEEP while THEY do the deed . . .), Jackie is already all over Fitzy like a bad case of poison ivy.

“I wonder if my massively large earring will fit around her neck.” 

Rather than interrupt this Moment, Aria decides to hang back and listen.  As it turns out, she needn’t have worried.  Fitzy rejects Poor Man’s Megan Fox’s advances SO HARD AND FAST, he practically leaves skid marks on her face!

But wait . . . we interrupt this not particularly sturdy Love Triangle to bring you (SURPRISE) another text from A  . . .

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . . though, honestly, not by much, considering they showed us this clip in the Much Music promos for the episode.

Playing With Dolls

“Wow, FedEx must have charged a portion to ship THIS!” 

Time flies when you are having fun.  Now it’s only TEN HOURS before the first scene of the episode.  Apparently, sometime during that two-hour timeframe, “A” dropped off a massively large box in Spencer’s living room.  (It’s a good thing Spencer’s mom is never home, her sister left the show, and her dad is always chilling in Facelift Vampire Jason’s room, or someone might have gotten suspicious!)  Not surprisingly, there is no return address on the box.   Just THIS . . .

Is this the part where the creepy girl pops out and says “Seven Days?”  Wait, never mind . .  . wrong movie. 

The girls worry for a few moments that Shrinkypoo’s ear is inside the box.  And, admittedly, Shrinkypoo did have some elf-like ears!  But nope!  No ears or chick from The Ring are hiding in this box, just three ugly dolls . . . one for Aria . . . one for Hanna . . . one for Spencer . . . and NONE FOR EMILY (which, is really kind of RUDE, don’t you think?)

Someone needs to get these dolls a STYLIST, stat!  Last I checked, Pretty Little Liars do NOT wear muumuus!  Oh, and Hanna’s doll looks kind of sweaty . . . not to mention a bit chunkers.  Just sayin’

“What about me?  Where’s MY doll?  What am I, chopped liver?”

 So, here’s the skinny on these dolls.  They all talk funny, and apparently have pertinent instructions that the girls must follow in order to get back their Shrinkypoo . . .

Aria’s says, “Make Jackie go away,” thereby making Aria’s doll my favorite of the bunch!  (I concur, Aria’s doll!)  But Aria’s doll doesn’t come empty handed, she comes bearing gifts, specifically, evidence that Jackie COMPLETELY plagiarized a paper she is getting published on some French artist.  Spencer, who, herself is no stranger to plagiarism, breaks it down for her innocent friends to understand.

Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding,” making her my second favorite doll, if only because “stopping the wedding” means, maybe, not having to see that wench Kate, anymore .  . .

My least favorite doll is Spencer’s, who says, “Keep Toby safe,” an ambigious enough line that Spencer somehow interprets as “Dump Toby.”  Ummm . . .  jump to conclusions much, Spencer?

“Dammit!   Now, I’m going to have to have boring, non-six pack having chubby babies like everybody else!” 

Back in present time . . .

Aria Cries and Police Boy Garrett Lies . . .

“It’s so strange officer.  My blind wench of a girlfriend and I stole every single solitary copy of page 5 from Ali’s autopsy.  Page 5 of Ali’s autopsy is MISSING!  WOAH!”

So, remember how Spencer was searching for Ali’s autopsy, but Corpse Dude took the last page out of the records, so that she couldn’t find out, for certain, what murder weapon was used to kill Ali?

Well, it turns out that Corpse Dude may well have been Police Boy Garrett, who tells his superior that EVERY SINGLE COPY of Ali’s autopsy, including the one IN THE COMPUTER is conveniently missing it’s fifth page.  Yeah . . . Police Boy Garrett, like A, needs to get a life . . . seriously.   Meanwhile, Aria makes her “One Phone Call” to a Mystery Person, and blubbers to that person about how she made a “terrible mistake.”  Meanwhile, Policeboy Garrett listens on, twirling his invisible super villain mustache with glee . . .

“I made a really big mistake, by wearing this totally inappropriate skull necklace with my poofy ballet tutu of a wedding dress!  (But it’s supposed to signify that I used to be “goth.”  So, I guess it’s acceptable.) 

Now, we head right back to the past, where there are only SIX HOURS left until the present.  (Are you getting confused yet?  Because I sure am!) . . .

Jackie is Wacky! (And, possibly, on crack-y)

“How is it 2011, and you don’t even have a computer on your desk, Jackie?  Did you, perhaps, use Fitzy’s typewriter to plagiarize your paper?”

Following her doll’s instructions (yeah, it sounds weird to me too), Aria half-assedly confronts Jackie about her plagiarism, and tells her that she THINKS she should leave Hollis.  As I was hoping for a BIG ASS cat fight between these two brunettes, I was, honestly, kind of disappointed, and I think Aria’s doll would have been too.  Aside from not being particularly fun to watch, Aria’s so-called blackmail attempt ended up being ineffective.  SO, ineffective, in fact, that Poor Man’s Megan Fox arrived on Aria’s door step to blackmail HER, right back.  “Rat me out, and I’ll tell the administrators at Hollis about Fitzy’ affair with an underage student.”

Yeahhh Jackie, because THAT’S the way to get back into the heart of the man you supposedly love . . . by publicly accusing him of a pedophile and getting him FIRED from his dream job.  Good thinking, Ass Munch!

“If this was Jennifer’s Body 2: Jennifer’s Revenge, I would open up my big fat mouth and eat your brain for lunch . . “

Another hour has passed.  And it’s Hanna’s and Spencer’s turn to obey their dolls and screw up their lives . . .

Honesty?  What’s that?

It’s almost time for the wedding, and Hanna’s chilling in red robe, trying to figure out how she can stop it.  Enter Douchey Daddy, with his pep talk about how Hanna should accept her NEW mom, even though Douchey is still boning her OLD one.

Hanna wonders out loud why, if Douchey Daddy loves New Mommy as much as he says he does, is he still sleeping in Old Mommy’s bed, and playing Find the Salami with her? 😉  Douchey Daddy admits that when things are going well for him, he has a tendency to screw them up, before someone else gets a chance to do it for him.  Oh, don’t worry, Douchey Daddy!  Something tells me that THIS time, you will be able to just sit back, relax, and leave the screwing up to your daughter!

Speaking of screwing up, Spencer is hanging out in Abs Toby’s Death Mobile, ready and waiting to murder their relationship, one harsh word at a time . . .

Honestly, Spencer’s excuse for dumping Poor Tobs is pretty lame.  She, more or less, tells him that she was lying to him about what her father told her about Facelift Vampire Jason.  And, that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her Big Bad Family Secrets with him.  Like I said, NO ONE has creepier family secrets than Abs Toby!

It’s pretty obvious to me that there is NOTHING Spencer could tell Abs about her asshat father, that would make him think any less of Spencer.  Plus, I actually think that being honest, and WARNING Abs Man about “A,” would be a good a way as any to “keep him safe” and, you know, NOT HAVE HIM DIE and stuff.  But hey, it’s the finale.  And finales require drama, so . . .

“Spencer, don’t leave! What will I tell our extremely muscular future children?”

After half-assedly dumping Toby, Spencer rushes from the car, and has a mini-Soap Opera Style Nervous Breakdown, right next to a friendly old tree . . .

“I’m just so SAD, Mr. Tree!  Please, hold me .  . . Or, just stay there, and let me fondle your bark.  That works too.”

Watching Spencer attempt to win an Emmy Award is who else but DR WREN!  YIPPPEEEEE!  (Sorry Tobs!  I know you’re great for Spencer and all.  And I don’t think she should have dumped you . . . BUT I LOVE ME SOME WREN!)

YUMMY!

Wren, ever the sucker for a Damsel in Distress (He dated Whiny Melissa, after all), scoops Spencer up off the tree, gives her a cute little monogrammed hanky with which to carry her snot, and drives her home in his kickass, “I’m a doctor” car.  He then gallantly waits in her living room (because, AGAIN, her parents are NEVER HOME) while she prepares, for Douchey Daddy’s wedding.

Spencer comes downstairs in my favorite dress ever, and this is coming from someone who can take or leave many of Spencer’s outfit choices (Sweater Pony, and Over-the-Shoulder Denim, anyone?).  She then offers Wren back her snotty hanky, which HE TAKES . . . and RUBS WITH HIS FINGERS.  (Now THAT is LOVE, people!)

“Your boogers are beautiful, and so are you and so am I.”

“Why yes.  They are rather attractive boogers, if I do say so, myself.”

Talk about a Stand-up Guy!  Wren even advises Spencer to give Abs Toby another chance . . . or, as he cutely nicknamed him, “The Carpenter.”  (I love how slyly snooty that was of Wren!)  Wren then tells Spencer that he’s bbeen dying to kiss her, AND HE DOES!  AND IT’S ADORABLE!  AND I WISH I WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THAT KISS.  AND SPENCER DEFINITELY LIKED IT, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN’T.

“You have terrible timing,” notes Spencer guiltily, as she unraveles her tongue from Wren’s, the taste of his mint lip gloss, still on her lips.  (COME ON!  You just know a guy who carries around a hanky filled with his lover’s snot uses mint lip gloss.)  Wren agrees, and gently offers Spencer her wrap, as he escorts her to the wedding.  (By the way, who wants to bet that “A” somehow nabbed a shot of them kissing, and is going to send it to Abs Toby?  Just a hunch . . .)

Meanwhile, in car nearby . . .

DAMN YOU, GPS (And Creepy Pocahontas-looking doll)!

So, Emily, in your Alice in Wonderland Dress, I have a question for you . . . two, actually.  (1) If you have lived in Rosewood, all your life, and have, even during the course of this series, attended many events at its ONLY CHURCH, why do you need to use GPS to drive there?  We know your town isn’t that big?   (2)  I own a GPS.  And when I get to the point where my destination is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, I TURN IT OFF.  I don’t sit there and second guess the fact that I AM SEEING THE DESTINATION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, just because some computer says I’m wrong.  Why don’t you?  (OK, so that second one, was more of a criticism than a question, but still . . .)

Anywhoo . . . Emily’s GPS doesn’t want to take her to church.   It apparently, wants to take her and her NEW PASSENGER to some random barn . . . though I’m not sure whether it’s the same barn where Ali died, or Ian fake-died.  Note: I said NEW PASSENGER.  Because, apparently, Emily was so mesmerized by her GPS system, that she completely missed the fact that a BIG UGLY ASS DOLL climbed in the backseat of her car and hitchhiked the entire way to the church.

Look familiar? 

By the way, it occurred to me that “A” was taking was taking a mighty big risk, by not seatbelting Emily Doll.  I mean, think about it.  What would happen if Emily’s car stopped short, and Emily Doll tumbled onto the floor, before Emily could find her.  How would “A” terrorize Emily then?  More Alpha Bits?  Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!

Anyway, Emily’s Ugly Doll tells her that she will lead Emily to wear Shrinkypoo is supposedly being held hostage.  Not wanting more blood on her hands, Emily follows the Doll’s and GPS’s instructions, which lead her to a BARN, i.e. The Place Where PLL Cast Members Typically GO TO DIE!

Not surprisingly, Shrinkypoo isn’t actually in the barn.  In fact, all that’s there is a Toxic Murder Car (but not Toby’s).  By the time Emily realizes that she’s been duped into entering the Barn of Death it is too late.  The door has slammed shut in her face, and she is locked in.

“Hey!  You can’t do this!  I’m signed on as a series regular for Season 3.” 

Emily eventually asphixiates and passes out.  When she “wakes up,” she finds herself in a dirty sex dream with Dead Ali . . .

 

Source
(Well, technically, Emily is still single, since her and Maya are “just friends.”  So, I guess she’s not too big of a Dream Slut.)

With the barn, and the frilly dresses, and the cryptic speeches by friends past, I suspect that Emily’s dream is kind of what a modern-day Wizard of Oz would look like, if the Wizard of Oz was turned into a gay porno.   In the dream/hallucination, Dream Ali also says that she misses Emily the most, proceeds to make out with her, and offers to stay with her in Purgatory forever.   (What is this Lost?)

Ali also annoyingly tells Emily that she knows who “A” is, but, of course, can’t tell her.   (Well, could you at least tell US, Ali?  Because I’m dying to know.)  In fact, in her lame argument as to why she can’t reveal “A’s” identity to Emily, Dead Ali actually quotes the show’ theme song, telling Emily that “only two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.”  And yet, one of them (Ali) IS dead . . . so, based solely on the song, I don’t get why Ali couldn’t tell Emily the secret.  Unless . . . of course, she ISN’T . . .

While Emily is dream humping / playing Guess Who with Ali, Hanna is at her dad’s wedding, causing trouble . . . as per usual.

The Back Fat Returns . . . The Bride Does Not . . .

“Just think.  You and I could get married here, one day.  Our future babies wouldn’t have as good abs as the Spoby kids.  But they are sure to be able to hold their liquor, be good with their hands (ahem) . . . and will probably have really nice hair.” 

While Aria and Spencer worry about what the heck is taking Emily so long  (She’s busy having Hallucinatory Sex with Dead Ali, guys!  CHILL OUT!) , New Hair / New Attitude Caleb is trying to calm down a very-uptight-about-the-wedding-for-good-reason Hanna.  The pair are approached by AWFUL Kate, who makes a snide comment about Hanna’s Hangover, before the latter excuses herself to make a phone call.  Of course, Kate wastes no time, trying to dig her claws into Caleb, by complimenting him on his snazzy suit (which, I assume his new-rich Mom bought or him).

“You have big hands.  And you know what they say about guys with big hands, don’t you?  They also have . . . big feet.” 

Fortunately, just like Fitzy before him, Caleb, is, apparently, a one-man-woman.  And he lets Kate know this in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, by . . . telling her that SHE HAS BACK FAT!

Just in case you were wondering about who was calling Hanna, it was Caleb . . . to tell her about that AWESOME BACK FAT JOKE.  Just kidding . . . it was “A” . . . AGAIN . . . reminding Hanna that SOMEONE is running out of air.  *groans*

It’s Wedding Time . . .  The bride and groom are front and center.  (But the bride’s hair looks more appropriate for a morning workout, than an afternoon marriage.)  Hanna stands in her place as bridesmaid, behind Awful Kate . . . watching . . . waiting.  Finally, she makes her decision, awkwardly asking to speak to the bride ALONE . . .

AWKWARD! 

Even Awful Kate seems curious as to how this all is going to go down.  Soon-Not-To-Be-New-Step Monster Isabel, heads off to confer with her Soon-Not-to-be-Step-Daughter, who promptly tells her that Douchey Daddy, and Mama Marin recently horizontal mambo-ed together.

The bad news is .  . . your marriage is over.  The good news is . . . your new dress is WAY prettier than your pukey old one.  Perhaps, you can wear it to your next weddding. 

Of course, Daddy Dearest has overheard the whole conversation, and is unable to deny any of it.  (That will teach you to put your weiner where your mouth is, Tom.  Wait . . . that didn’t come out right.)

Stepmonster Isa-hell storms off.  And Hanna futilely asks her dad for forgiveness, but he can’t even look at her.  (I guess the concept of “honesty is the best policy” just doesn’t apply in the Marin Household.)  Ring, ring.  It’s another text message from “A.”  It’s the address of the infamous barn.  I wonder if the rest of the PLL girls will need GPS to get their like Emily did . . . I’m guessing not.

Dig a Little Deeper . . .

“Dude?  Why are you naked?  What did Dream Ali do to you?” 

Emily awakens to find her gal pals watching over her.  Apparently, “A” had enough sense to pull Emily out of the barn, before she DIED OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING.  (How sweet of her/him!)  Emily tells the girls that she was with Alison, and that their so-called Dead Friend is still alive.  She can still feel the Queen Bee’s lips on hers.  Of course, the PLL girls just assume that she was hallucinating, which she may very well have been.

Then Emily notices a shovel leaning up against the barn, that wasn’t there before  . . . a shovel with latitude, longitude coordinates attached to it . . .

Would YOU be able to follow those coordinates? Because, I’m not shy to admit that I would have NO CLUE how to go about doing that.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Spencer is smarter than I am, and leads the rest of the girls to the spot in question, where they quickly find a recently dug shallow grave.  UH OH!

“You mean, they want us to get on our HANDS AND KNEES?  In THESE DRESSES .  . . just to save some boring old shrink.  You know, now that I think about it, I didn’t like Anne Sullivan all that much.  Did you?” 

The decidedly unfemine nature of their task aside, the girls begin to dig.  Hanna freaks out, when she finds those Tory Burch boots she recognizes as Shrinkypoo’s!  (UY!  Again with the friggin BOOTS!  ENOUGH!)  Then they uncover what INITIALLY looks like a face, but is actually just an ugly clown mask . . . oops.

Wow, Shrinkypoo!  You sure are pale! 

Cue the lights, and the helicopters.  . . wait . . . WHAT?  Oh yes, that’s right, boys and girls.  As it turns out, “A” set up the PLL girls, with an “anonymous” tip to the cops, in relations to the supposedly solved Ali’s murder . . . and the NEW suspects have a LOOOOOONG night ahead of them . . .

“Aria, hide me!  I don’t want the police to see my back fat.” 

ANSWERS!  (FINALLY!)

“I’m so glad Spencer is my daughter!  I get so much legal work from you girls!”

At the police station, the PLL girls’ family and friends are coming out to support them, in droves . . .  Abs Toby is there in a snazzy purple button down shirt, that wouldn’t look at all out of place at a disco, circa 1975.  (Apparently, he and Spencer share a fashion sense.)  “I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU, SPENCER!”  He screams out like a loon, as the cops pull his crazy ass away.  (Ahhh  . . . young love!)

In the decidedly LESS young love department, Fitzy has arrived, since, I assume, HE was the one Aria used her “One Phone Call” to contact.  And in an unintentionally hilarious scene, Aria’s mom rushes over to lecture him about SLEEPING WITH SPENCER.

“Hey, it could be worse.  I could be having sex with YOUR daughter!  Oh . . . wait a minute . . . I AM!”

Throughout most of the conversation, Fitzy assumes Judgy Mama Montgomery is talking about HER OWN daughter, Aria (Otherwise, why the hell would she care so much, right?).   So, he’s trying to protect himself, by assuring Mama Montgomery JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES “HER.”  And yet, that just digs Fitzy in EVEN DEEPER, considering that his words only serve to bolster Mama Montgomery’s belief that Fitzy is actually screwing Spencer.  It’s like a “Who’s on First?” Skit, but instead of baseball players, we are talking about underage girls! 😉

Elsewhere, Facelift Vampire Jason (who is conveniently dressed, in BLOOD red, by the way) has an intimate conversation with Papa Hastings, that pretty much confirms what most of us had always assumed . . . that Vamp Man is actually Papa Hastings’ son, and Spencer’s HALF-BROTHER, a Deep Dark Secret about which Mama Hastings is apparently not yet aware because she’s never home long enough to figure these things out.  This, of course, better explains why he’s been making googly eyes with Ali’s mom, hanging out in Vamp Man’s BEDROOM late at night, and manipulating Dead Grandma’s will to make Vamp Man look less guilty . . .

I can see a family resemblance, can’t you? 

Elsewhere in this VERY CROWDED police station, Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna rejoice over / take credit for doing the following things:

(1) being completely nauseating and totally unlikeable individuals who no one would possibly sleep with, except for one another (Abs Toby doesn’t count, because he was raped.)

(1) setting the PLL girls up to get “fingered” for Ali’s murder, this week.

(2) stealing the elusive “Page Five” of Ali’s autopsy report

(3) writing the letter that made Facelift Vampire Jason think that HE killed Ali, when he didn’t

(4) being present at the time of Ali’s murder (and possibly committing it, though that was never explicitly said)

Speaking of Page 5, we finally learn from Deputy Douchey (who was reinstated to the force, thanks to his “remarkable breakthrough” in the Dead Ali case) what was on it: a specific description of the murder weapon used to kill Ali.  And, I bet you will never guess what it was!  I’ll give you a hint, YOU CAN DIG WITH IT!

Personally, I think a shovel is a BORING murder weapon.  I much preferred the Hastings Hockey Stick . . . But that’s just me. 🙂 

It’s GLOVED HAND TIME!  ZZZZZZZZZZ!   YAY! 

Meanwhile, at a rundown coffee shop, a decidedly alive Shrinkypoo angrily takes some blackmail photos from Gloved Hand / “A”, telling her or him that she did exactly what was asked of her, and is now FREE, to be left alone, dammit.  (Note: Since, Shrinkypoo was ALONE, when she first learned of A’s identity, we can assume that she wasn’t in on this the WHOLE TIME.  Rather, it seems more likely that “A” had blackmailed the doctor, AFTER she had already pieced together the clues . . .)

“You couldn’t have found us a nicer place to meet than THIS dump?  I’ve eaten at McDonalds that were classier!  I wear Tory Burch boots, for crying out loud.” 

Anywhoo, after Shrinkypoo storms off in a huff (probably with naked pictures of herself that she didn’t want leaked onto the internet, or something), Gloved Hand “chats” (It never speaks, of course) with a waitress, who offers her coffee and pie, and calls her (or him) “Pretty Eyes.”

The most obvious suspect for Pretty Eyes is Blind Jenna, of course . . . since we already know she HAS THEM . . .

Interestingly enough, I’m pretty sure the actress who plays Blind Jenna, Tammin Sursok, is wearing colored contacts in this scene, which would pretty much cinch her as the culprit.  On the other hand, considering how much Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have already admitted to doing on this show, wouldn’t the reveal of Blind Jenna as “A”, be a bit underwhelming, especially considering that she was OUR VERY FIRST SUSPECT, back in Episode 2?

I guess we will just have to wait until this winter to find out. . .

Until then, feel free to sound off in the comment section about what you thought of the season, in general, and the summer finale, specifically.  Who do you think is “A?”  Who killed Ali?  And most importantly, would you let a sexy stud like Wren hold on to your snot hankie?

I’ll see you in October for the Halloween Special, My Pretties!  You can check out the trailer for it here . . .

Tata, for now!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]