Things we learned from this week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars:
(1) If you are a high school student in crisis (which I really hope none of your are), and need to consult with the Crisis Hotline, be sure to call the one that’s three towns over. There’s a really good chance someone you know is working at YOUR crisis center. And he or she will soon learn all of your dirty little secrets . . .
(2) If you are going to take a picture of four hideous-looking dolls on your camera phone, don’t put them in front of the ugly floral wallpaper! Put them on a couch, and then pose them, so that they look like they are doing something dirty. It’s just funnier that way . . .
(3) If your significant other’s father randomly comes to your apartment at night, and threatens you with police action, don’t fret . . . just scream, “Please stop touching me there. No means no,” loud enough for all the neighbors to hear. That should shut him up . . .
(4) If it is pitch black out, and you are in the middle of nowhere, there is really no good reason for you to be in a canoe . . . NONE . . . consider a motor boat, jet ski, or luxury cruise liner, instead.
Hello, my Pretties! Oh, how I adore this show, let me count the ways . . . This week’s PLL installment featured a couple reunion, a couple implosion, some deliciously X-rated allusions to Spencer’s Nana’s couch, and HIGH SEAS INSANITY, COURTESY OF A SELF-DESTRUCTING LUCAS . . .
(Good thing it wasn’t a pool . . . We all know how allergic he is to chlorine.)
So, strap on a life jacket, and polish up your rowing skills, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
Emily has Glass in her Hair! Someone call the Wahhhhhhmbulance!
Now that the girls have all come down from the high of potentially finding A’s cell phone, Emily has decided she’s super pissed at the girls for leaving her to battle “A” in the greenhouse ALL BY HERSELF. And while her anger is TOTALLY justified, if I were her, I’d be wayyy more upset about the fact that I was BEATEN UP BY GARDEN TOOLS, than the fact that I had GLASS IN MY HAIR. I mean, the latter even sounds kind of fashionable . . .
Anywhoo . . . Spencer immediately insists that the girls call on Hanna’s hacking beau, Caleb, to download data off the phone. Considering how determined she is to keep her OWN boyfriend out of “A’s” crosshairs, this seems more than a bit hypocritical of her. Hanna agrees with me, telling Spencer that she is not one of her “winged monkeys.”
Woo-hoo! A Wizard of Oz reference!
She hilariously insists that the girls use someone who’s a bit more . . . um . . . remote to hack into the phone . . .
Awww, now Hanna . . . that’s just plain racist . . .
Caleb offers the girls some “Technical Support.”
ARIA: “Hey Hanna, come look! Caleb’s got naked pictures of you on his computer . . .”
SPENCER: “Is that my Nana’s couch?”
So, the good news is that Caleb found a lot of major, potentially incriminating, data on “A’s” cell phone . . .
The bad news is that he can’t access any of it (aside from one lame doll picture), because the phone’s owner cleverly trashed all of it’s content, remotely, using his computer.
Also in the “bad news” column . . . Emily smells like mulch . . .
Caleb is going to need a bit more time to recover the phone’s files. He looks to Hanna, who’s been unusually quiet, this entire time, for approval of his continued involvement. She reluctantly agrees. However, she refuses to involve him any further in this mess, by giving him more information on the subject.
This annoys Caleb, obviously. But not enough for him to give up all the hot bunny rabbit sex, these two have apparently been having lately . . .
(I don’t know about you, but I’d personally be VERY interested in the “other ways” they’ve been naked . . . But I guess we will have to wait for PLL to get picked up by HBO or Showtime, before we can find out . . .)
When the Spoby Mobile is a-rockin’ . . .
Last week, if you recall, I was rather annoyed at BOTH Abs Toby and Spencer, for acting like total douchebags to one another. Abs Toby acted like a douchebag, because he basically stalked Spencer, made her a lame rocking chair, and didn’t know how to leave well enough alone. Spencer acted like a douchebag (Can we call girls douchebags?), because she rudely and angrily froze Abs Toby out, even though there’s a good chance he could have helped her out, if she simply let him in, a little bit . . .
That said, I’m happy to report that both members of this couple completely redeemed themselves (at least in my eyes), this week. I was proud of Spencer for confronting Abs Toby, apologizing for her earlier behavior, and admitting that she still cared deeply for him, even if she couldn’t tell him everything about what was going on in her life. I was also proud of Abs Toby for accepting that Spencer had her reasons for continuing to keep him in the dark on certain things, and for making out with her, like a BAMF!
Do I smell little babies with six packs, in this couple’s future?
Trouble in Paradise for the Most Disgusting Couple EVER?
Did you ever notice how every time Spencer and Toby make out in his Looooooove Mobile, they end up overhearing a conversation that ends up being crucial to the plot? Now, if that’s not an excuse to car bang ALL THE TIME, I don’t know what is!
This time around, Spoby overhears Police Boy Garrett arguing on the phone with Blind Jenna, who has apparently dumped his ass, over one of their EEEEEEVILL plans going horribly awry. Police Boy Garrett is clearly a moron . . . one who obviously doesn’t understand the concept of using his “telephone voice.” It’s no wonder the ENTIRE TOWN didn’t hear him bitching to Jenna about “messing things up last night,” and “getting someone else involved.”
Cue Spencer Face . . .
Abs Toby suggests that the pair might be fighting over Blind Jenna’s stress regarding her upcoming operation. But Spencer immediately assumes they are referring to the girls’ botched meeting with “A”, the night before . . . a meeting about which EVERYONE in Rosewood oddly seems to have intimate knowledge. (They must really like their greenhouses, in that town . . .)
Later, Abs Toby confronts Police Boy Garrett, and it’s kind of cool to see the tables between these two turned, for once . . .
Apparently, Blind Jenna had some fancy limo take her to Boston (or at least to the airport), for her fancy eye surgery. (Uh oh! It looks like Blind Jenna might have to get a new nickname.) Police Boy Garrett is miserable over this, because he didn’t get to take her highness, himself. He’s desperate to know whether she went with another man. (Ummm . . . I would kind of think her parents took her? Getting Not-Blind-Surgery is usually the kind of thing Mom and Dad like to be in on . . . just sayin’.)
To Police Boy’s credit (though it does make him seem more than a bit pathetic), he seems to genuinely love that creepy, flute playing witch, and is more concerned for her well being, than anything else. Abs Toby, of course, basically tells him not to bother. “Blind Jenna uses people up, and spits them out, like chewing tobacco,” Toby explains, more or less. She clearly did that to Abs Toby, which is just too disturbing for words, if you ask me . . .
*makes vomit noises*
I hope, for Police Boy Garrett’s sake, that Blind Jenna decides to stay in Boston. This way, he can go back to dating Lizzie McGuire, and everyone can be happy!
Ezria gets by with a little help from their friends . . .
Things have gotten mighty rocky in Ezria land, ever since last week’s Declaration of Love that Went Horribly Awry . . .
Now, Aria’s parents are keeping her on lockdown, saddling her with a dress code, limiting her PLL Girl Time, and trying to set her up with random guest stars named “Holden.”
I’m willing to reserve judgment, until I learn more.
But I don’t like his hair.
To make matters worse, when Aria calls Fitzy on the phone, he either screens her calls and doesn’t pick up, or, flat out, tells her not to call anymore!
But despite all the doom and gloom, the Pretty Little Liars have managed to rally around this couple, each finding ways to show their support. Hanna (who, not so long ago, had to endure the ignominy of having a parent who didn’t approve of her choice of boyfriend) gallantly takes the time to travel out to Hollis college, to tell Fitzy she’s on Team Ezria. (And as sweet as the scene between them was, I thought it was kind of funny that Fitzy made Hanna leave the door open, while she was making her speech. Hey, at least he’s learning!)
Back at Rosewood, Emily, in a speech that manages to be both respectful, and decidedly bold, reminds Aria’s mother that Aria is exactly the same person she was, before Mommy Dearest learned she was boning her former English Professor . . .
You tell her, Sista! (As we will see a bit later, Emily’s brief words may have gone a long way in warming Mama Montgomery’s heart . . . if not necessarily to the idea of “Ezria,” at least to the idea that Aria shouldn’t necessarily be judged poorly for what happened between them.
On the other hand . . .
Byronnnnn = Moronnnnnnnn
“Ooh . . . a knock on the door late at night . . . I hope it’s a booty call.”
OK . . . OK . . . I understand that most parents wouldn’t be entirely cool with the idea of their sixteen year old girl dating a guy in his mid-twenties, who used to be her teacher. But honestly, there was just something so disturbing about Byron hunting down Fitzy in his home to “lay down the law.” For starters, there was that remark he made about him having, “gone to parties in this building . . . with
my slutty student girlfriend Ella.” Seriously, why would you tell that to someone you are about to threaten?
But the best was the part where Byron admitted that HE himself, had difficulty navigating “student / teacher” relationships. However, because HIS former honey happened to be two years older than Aria, THAT makes him a better person than Fitzy. (Never mind the fact that BYRON is probably old enough to be HIS ex-girlfriend’s daddy . . . Oh, and HE’S MARRIED!!!)
I feel like I would have felt less put off by this conversation, if it was ELLA making the threats, as opposed to Byron. And then, when Papa Doucheface took things further, by threatening to call the police . . . well that was just TOTALLY uncalled for . . . (and kind of made me hope that his girlfriend 1 . . . ends up to have been lying about her age, and is really just an incredibly intelligent, and rapidly aging, 14-year old; 2 . . . happens to be pregnant with his spawn). I know . . . I’m evil . . .
*pees in pants*
Remember when I mentioned how Emily’s words in support of Aria’s honor influenced Mama Montgomery to come around a bit on the whole Fitzy situation? Well, we get to see that, firsthand, in the following scene, when she blasts
MoronByron for considering going to the police, and ruining HIS OWN daughter’s already-tarnished reputation, in the process. She also says this: “We raised our daughter to be independent, and open minded. That means we don’t get to be shocked, when that is exactly who she is.”
BRAVO, Miss Montgomery! That might very well be the smartest thing you’ve said all season . . .
That said, Mama Montgomery may have only been faking “smart.” Because she sure falls fast for Aria’s ridiculously obvious lie that she has a date with “Holden,” when it’s crystal clear, she wants to see Fitzy, instead . . .
What Lucas has in common with Spongebob Squarepants . . .
By the end of this episode, they are both all wet and soggy?
Lucas has been acting kind of strange, lately . . . stranger than usual, I mean. Whereas our adorkable brunette used to practically do cartwheels, just for the opportunity to be within spitting distance of Hanna, he’s become surprisingly cool with her . . . trying desperately to make excuses as to why they can’t study together. He’s also been more than a bit b*tchy to Caleb, even though the two are usually, as Hanna describes them, “like Patrick and Spongebob.”
Typically nerdy to the extreme, and a veritable fountain of knowledge on all subjects, Lucas seems oddly distracted and un-helpful, during his and Hanna’s Civil War Study Session. He also seems to have no desire to help Hanna throw a birthday surprise party for her beau, at Spencer’s lake house
where the two boned on Nana’s couch . . . ahh . . memories.
Lucas sights “money issues,” as the reason behind his unwillingness to party plan. I actually think there is more to this statement than meets the eye. It may even be the reason why Lucas ended up doing what he did . . .
But more on that theory, later . . .
For now, Lucas is being weird, and Hanna is being completely oblivious, drunk as she is on Caleb love, and dreams of expanding the ways in which she and her beau can see one another naked, in the future . . .
Something tells me that later, Hanna will be kicking herself, for not picking up on the signs that something was very, very wrong . . .
Over at the LEAST ANONYMOUS CRISIS HOTLINE EVER . . . Emily is performing her community service responsibilities. So, of course, as part of her “training,” she is asked to read a transcript from a call that came in the night before (Now why wouldn’t you use an older transcript than that? That just seems in bad taste to me?). And, of course, the caller seems to have a lot in common with Emily’s attacker from the night before.
What a coinky-dink! Mystery caller just seemed to BLAB on about screwing up, and “almost getting caught” and “shutting it down,” and “wanting to kill himself.” Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!
Sh*t just got REAL!
Upon hearing about Emily’s experience, Spencer decides that SHE should volunteer at the call center too
out of the kindness of her heart. How fitting then, that shortly after Spencer arrives Mystery Caller calls again, and that AWFUL Crisis Manager decides it would be a great idea to have the girls LISTEN IN, on this poor soul’s suicidal rantings. (Note to self . . . never call a crisis center, EVER!)
Oh, but here’s the thing about Mystery Caller. He just so happens to have a very recognizable voice . . .
Now, the PLL girls are convinced that Lucas is the one who attacked Emily in the greenhouse that night, and, resultantly lost his cell phone. It would stand to reason then, that Lucas somehow, got roped into working for “A” and/or Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna. I think this is probably a good assumption.
But the real question is HOW involved is he, and WHY is he involved? Because, while certainly not innocent, I don’t think Lucas is nearly as evil or nutso, as the PLL girls seem to think he is, by the end of the episode.
Why nutso, you say? Because at the end of his little convo with Worst Crisis Center Manager EVER, he says this: “I never wanted to hurt anybody . . . now I HAVE TO . . .”
Lucas dips his toe further into the Wackjob Pool, when Emily “conveniently” finds herself at the Crisis Center again, just minutes before Caleb’s surprise party, and happens to pick up the phone, herself, when Lucas calls a third time . . .
Of course, Emily thinks Lucas is talking about Hanna. And I think he is too. I just don’t think he’s actually talking about killing her. I suspect his intentionally vague words have more to do with the fact that he’s planning to come clean to her about his involvement in the whole “A” fiasco. But he knows that the minute she finds out what he’s done to her and her friends, their friendship will be over. I also think Lucas got roped into working with “A” as a result of . . . wait for it . . . gambling debt. Remember the sports betting page from earlier?
But that’s neither here, nor there. The important thing to remember, right now, is that Lucas is acting a couple of pawns short of a chess game. So, Emily needs to get to the lake house, ASAP . . . BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!
“I can’t watch! It’s all too INTENSE!”
“We’re having a party . . . everybody’s . . . swimming?”
It’s Caleb’s surprise party, and everyone’s there . . . even people who weren’t technically invited . . .
. . . like Mona and Bushy Eyebrows Noel (haven’t seen him in a while, have we?). Spencer is lurking around the attic, when she randomly moves some boxes, and discovers the same ugly wallpaper from the creepy doll photograph on Lucas’ (?) cell phone. You know what that means, don’t you? “A” was IN THE HOUSE!
Geez! It seems like EVERYBODY gets busy on Spencer’s Nana’s couch! (She should start charging rent, by the hour!) Spencer then has a weird run-in with Lucas, who claims to be “looking for tools,” and also seems to have surprisingly intimate knowledge of the room, despite, supposedly, having never been there before. The usually fearless Spencer, looks genuinely frightened of Mr. Adorkable (who is now sweating like a pig, and not looking so hot AT ALL), and runs away like a frightened mouse . . .
Enter Emily (wow, she got there fast!), who warns Lucas not to do anything CRAZY (you know . . . like beat people with garden tools), and tells him that Hanna will probably forgive him, provided he doesn’t . . . you know . . . murder her.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lucas thinks to himself, before deciding to take Hanna on a “romantic canoe cruise” to set off some fireworks. Ruh roh!
“If you put me in the hospital again, Lucas Gottesman, we are SO not Facebook friends, anymore . . .”
In what was honestly, the most frightening PLL moment I’ve experienced in quite some time, Lucas and Hanna ride across the lake in silence, as Hanna finally catches on to the Lucasy-weirdness her friends have been warning her about. By the time he stops rowing, grabs the oars from her hands, and sternly tells her to “sit down,” while suffering from a bad case of “Crazy Eyes,” our spunky blonde is truly terrified, and near tears.
“If you kill me, Caleb and I will never be able to have sex on Spencer’s Nana’s toilet! (We’ve always wanted to do that.)”
To make matters even more frightening, Spencer and Emily are now across the lake, frantically screaming at Hanna, and telling her to get the f*ck out of there. “Don’t make this any harder for me, than it already is,” says Lucas, rising to his feet. (That’s right, Lucas. You tell Hanna how insensitive she’s being, for not rejoicing in the “alone time” she’s getting to spend with your seemingly crazy ass.)
On impulse, Hanna appears to knock Lucas overboard with one of her oars.
“But I’m allergic to chlorine, which means I probably can’t swim! And if you think that once I’m dead, I’m going to help you remove all those unflattering pictures of you online, you are sadly mistaken!”
With Lucas literally “swimming with the fishes”
but probably not dead . . . yet, Hanna tries frantically to paddle to shore. But then, someone CAPSIZES her boat. Was it Lucas? I DON’T THINK SO! I’ll tell you why, in just a bit . . .
Things look REALLY bad for Hanna . . . at least for a few seconds, until we see her doggie paddling to the shore like a PRO! (Emily will be SOOO proud!)
(She’s not allergic to chlorine!)
As Spencer and Emily pull a breathless, and pale Hanna to the shore, Bushy Eyebrows and Mona magically appear SOAKING WET! They claim to have randomly decided to take a “sexy dip in the lake,” while Hanna and Lucas were DROWNING. Sounds reasonable, right?
And, if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn . . .
Man, does EVERYONE on this show work for “A”? (BTW, Mona is currently my top choice for “A.”
Because Blind Jenna just seems too obvious. As for my second choice? Maya . . . just because it would be so completely out of left field, that it would make me giggle.)
If the letter fits . . .
In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Poor Caleb chooses this moment to arrive at the Birthday Party that will Never Be . . .
At least he’ll still get to eat that really pretty chocolate birthday cake Hanna baked for him!
In the final moments of the episode, we see yet another hooded figure fishing Lucas’ sneaker out of the water . . .
(For those of you who don’t remember, Lucas’ sneakers had a cameo on this show, back in Season 1, when we found out he destroyed Ali’s memorial?)
So, is Lucas gone for good?
No, he’s in next week’s promo. It’s too early to tell. But one things for sure. After his little “boat ride” with Hanna, someone sure as hell has a lot of explaining to do . . .
Now . . . promos for next week . . . you want ’em? We’ve got em . . .
(Once again, CANADA WINS! Come on, USA! Get with the program!)
So, how did you like “Hot Piece of A?” How crazy is Lucas, really? Do you actually believe Bushy Eyebrows and Mona about their “late night swim?” What the f*#k are we supposed to call Blind Jenna after her surgery? Are you happy for Spoby? Miserable for Ezria? And perhaps most importantly, WHO DO YOU THINK IS A?
Please sound off, in the comments section below. Until next time, My Pretties!