Beware of Ugly Baby Head – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Halloween Special “The First Secret”

“Hey Baby!  You’re cute!  Wanna go out sometime?” 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, the makers of Pretty Little Liars offered us VERY IMPATIENT fans of the series a little treat to tide us over, during the show’s interminable hiatus.  Or, perhaps, I should say, a TRICK OR TREAT . . .

“Mmm . . . a human hand . . . yummy.  (Tastes like chicken.)”

I’ll be honest.  I went into “The First Secret” not expecting too much.  After all, this was an out-of-season “special”  . . . one that many fans of the show probably won’t even see, given the random time during which it aired.  How many clues could they REALLY reveal, during an hour like this?   I thought to myself, as I sat down to watch the show, this past Wednesday night.  Well, as it turns out, the answer to that question is A LOT!

In many ways, “The First Secret” was a gift to both loyal fans of the show, and readers of the PLL book series.  The episode succeeded in:

 (1) capturing the spooky mood of Halloween;

(2) providing a fresh coat of paint to a series that was beginning to show signs of a slight sophomore slump;

Sorry . . . it had to be said. 

(3) answering a lot of questions that viewers have wondered about, since the pilot episode; and

(4) offering viewers a treasure trove of new clues and theories to ponder over, between now, and January, when Season 2 returns.

Not bad for a “stand-alone special,” right?  You know what would have made the episode PERFECT though?  A little WREN . . .

But hey, we can’t always get EVERYTHING we want, right?  So, suit up in your favorite costume (as long as it isn’t Lady Gaga), and keep your cell phone handy for any phantom texts from “A,” because it’s time to learn “The First Secret” . . .

(Special thanks go out to Home of the Nutty, for most of the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Bad Twin?

Either Ali is SUPER self-absorbed (which, we already know she is), or her and Vampire Jason have another sibling .  . .

My favorite parts of this episode were the ones that seemed to suggest that either Ali HAD a psycho twin sister, once locked away in the looney bin, who was now out for revenge, or that she WAS the psycho twin sister.  The most obvious hint of this was the “scary story” Ali told the little boy she and Hanna were babysitting at the beginning of the episode,  The story in question revolved around two twin little girls, who played dolls with one another, until one went nuts and stabbed the other.

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Then, the stab-happy sister gets shipped to a mental institution.

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The dolls the two girls in the scene play with look similar to the one we find in Ali’s “Secret Box” later in the episode.  Another hint to the fact that there may be some truth to Ali’s story, is the arrival of the Radley’s Sanitarium truck (a clever To Kill a Mockingbird reference), which pulls up outside the abandoned Rosewood home, shortly after Ali finishes her tale.

After Ali finishes her story, we are treated to a Halloween-themed version of the original PLL opening sequence, which is AWESOME!  It basically takes the already-creepy theme song, and Pretty Dead Girl Images, and makes them even more spine tingling, by throwing thunder, lightning, and strategic blood splatters into the mix.

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“I’m Watching You”

Note to self: Hanging out in creepy abandoned houses, is a great opportunity to look up girls’ skirts – A.

The actual episode begins, in October 2008, about a year before the events in the pilot take place.  Still-alive Ali, is walking with Fat Hanna, Goth Aria, Nerdy Spencer, and Shy Closeted Tomboy Emily.  The group is trying to decide whether Hanna should shave her head, so that she can be Bald Crazy Brittany Spears for Halloween . . .

Ahhh .  . . memories. 

Of course, given that Hanna is currently donning a ridiculous looking fat-suit  a bit on the hefty side, shaving her head would probably make her look more Buddha than Britney.  So, instead, she opts for Britney’s “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” naughty school girl incarnation.

“But Hanna, if you show your tummy, everyone will see your FAT SUIT!” 

Then, Bushy Eyebrows Noel (whose eyebrows resembled furry caterpillars far less, back in 2008, by the way) drives up in his “super cool” car, with his “super cool” varsity friends.  This happens, so that Noel can flirt shamelessly with Ali (Apparently, these two were an item, back in the day?), and invite all of the PLL girls to his “super cool” Halloween party, which will take place at his “super cool” house.

On second thought, they were actually just as bushy . . . 

For Ali, being invited to Old Caterpillar Eye’s party is no big deal.  But to the rest of the girls, it’s . . . like .  . . OMG .  . . the best thing EVER!  The foursome decide to get ready for the party together in Spencer’s room, because Spencer is filthy rich.

SPENCER:  “I am wearing ugly glasses, and a dorky belt, so you can tell that I am a ‘NERD’.”

ARIA: “I am wearing pink streaks in my hair, and a rocker tee, so that you can tell that I am a ‘GOTH.'”

EMILY: “I have a boyfriend, because I don’t want you to know yet that I am a ‘LESBIAN.'”

After Noel drives off with his friends, to go mutilate puppies, or whatever it is that “cool,” Bushy Eyebrowed boys do with their spare time, the rest of the girls take a few moments to talk about the SCARY ABANDONED HOUSE, that seems to have a SCARY ABANDONED PERSON in it, who was brought over by the SCARY MENTAL HOSPITAL TRUCK, which the girls, of course, fail to notice.  Do you guys smell something?  I think that’s the scent of FORESHADOWING . . .

 Barbie’s Dream House, it ain’t!

Emily walks off by herself and comes upon Not YetAbs Toby, who, at this point, is still Creepy Toby.  Creepy Toby is SUPER DEPRESSED, apparently, because his dad just married this witch Soon-to-Be-Blind Jenna’s mom.  So, now he has to help Soon-to-Be Blind Jenna unpack her sh*t, including her Ugly Ass Snow Globe Collection, which, as we know from future episodes, will eventually fill the family living room with glass encased weirdness . . .

“Shouldn’t she have packed this in a box, or something.  How did it not break on the trip over here?”

“Don’t be sad, Tobster.  Once you stop picking your nose, get a better haircut, and start taking off your shirt more often, you will get a hot girlfriend, and recappers will stop calling you Creepy.”

Later, at the Costume Store, we get to hang out with the not-dead-yet Ali . . .

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Fake Smile Alert!

Ali is skipping around the costume shop when, OH NO, someone comes behind her and grabs her face.  WHO COULD IT BE?  (IS IT  .  . . A?)

Don’t worry kiddies, it’s just Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . . again.

“Fooled ya!” 

Then Ali looks over and sees Not-Blind-Jenna lurking around the Lady Gaga costumes (or, as Ali calls her . . . since, they are like “close” or something) “Lady G.”

Why be Lady Gaga, when you can be Ugly Baby Head?  Didn’t you know that all the cool kids are dressing up as Ugly Baby Head, this year! 

Ali is FURIOUS that some new soon-to-be-blind chick has the NERVE to attend a costume party in HER costume.  So, she decides to go and give this Jenna B*tch a real piece of her mind . . .  Of course, she does it in that, “so nice, it’s evil,” way that mean girls have of dominating social situations.  In Not-Yet-Blind Jenna’s defense, she doesn’t seem at all intimidated by Ali’s Alpha Female antics . . .

ALI:  “You may be laughing now, but you’re going to be a blind, freakish brother f*&ker, by this time next year.”

NOT-YET-BLIND-JENNA: “And you’ll be DEAD.   So . . . I WIN!”

Moments later, Ali gets a text on her 2008-era cell phone.  It could be from the infamous “A.”  Or it could be from one of the other 80 people who seem to enjoy stalking Ali.  It’s hard to tell, honestly . . .

Least creative stalker message, EVER! 

Ali turns nervously, and finds herself face to face with . . . you guessed it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  She calls him (or her) a freak, and stalks out of the costume shop.

Hello, Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian and Fitzy!

“I’m totally putting this on YouTube.  That’s been invented already, hasn’t it?”

Creepy Pedo, Not-Yet-Zombie Ian are at Spencer’s house.  And Creepy Pedo is videotaping Ali, while she talks about her smelly grandma.  (Why do people always assume old people smell bad.  For the record, my grandma always smelled AWESOME.  Just sayin.)  Then, Spencer comes down the stairs, with Melissa, who is being weirdly nice to her little sister, as she helps her with her speech for the upcoming school election.

“In less than a year, one of you will be dead, and one of you will be carrying a Demon Child in her womb.  I bet you can’t guess which one is which!” 

Melissa, who is dating Ian at this time (pre-Wren, of course), talks about how Spencer will definitely win the election because she is a Hastings.  She also notes that her and Ian will be dressing up for Halloween as Bonnie and Clyde.  Awww, how cute.  *gags*  There is some tension between Ali and Melissa, which, likely can be attributed to the fact that Ali is secretly boning Melissa’s boyfriend.  But Spencer doesn’t seem to notice . . .

“Hey Spencer’s sister, maybe if you were better at sex, your boyfriend wouldn’t have to get his jollies, by boning every pre-teen in town.”

Meanwhile, over at Hollis College, Aria has a chance encounter with a special someone . . .

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Awww, he waved at her!  How cute!

Aria, not at Hollis to see Fitzy though (She doesn’t even KNOW him yet.)  She’s actually there to visit her  cheating turd of a dad.  When she arrives at his office, some slutty chick is sitting on Daddy’s couch, totally making herself at home.

“Your dad is such a nice guy, Aria.  He always lets all the girls in his class take naps on his office couch.  And only one of them ended up pregnant, as a result!” 

Aria asks her dad about the random chick on his couch.  But he kind of blows it off as “no big deal.”

“I swear Aria, I’ve never seen this girl in my life!  *mouths to Meredith*  (Psst . . . Don’t forget to pick up your thong from under my desk.)”

Beware of Deputy Douchies!

Hey Hanna!  We get that you’re supposed to be “Hefty.”  You don’t have to rub it in our faces by wearing CAKE PAJAMAS!” 

Hanna is home alone watching a SCARRRRY MOVIE, when her lights flicker, and there is a scraping sound at her window . . .

Then the phone rings.  It’s a Breather . . . you know those people who call you on the phone and start wheezing into the mouthpiece, so they sound like Santa Claus having an asthma attack?  Hanna hangs up the phone, super creeped out, only to have it ring again, the minute she returns the phone to its cradle.  It’s THIS GUY . . .

JUST KIDDING!  It’s ONLY Ali!  She wants to know is Hanna happened to be at the costume shop today, dressed as Ugly Baby Head, or if she sent her a phantom not particularly stalker text message on her cell phone.  Hanna did neither of these things . .  . probably because she was too busy adjusting her fat suit eating, or something.

The doorbell rings.  And Hanna nervously rises to answer it.  It’s her mom, and Deputy Douchey, who is currently just Douchey Cop.  (Now . . . why didn’t Hanna’s mom have keys to her own house?  Weird.)

“Hello, Hanna.  Would you, perhaps, have any interest in engaging in a threesome, with myself and your mom?   I brought protection.” 

To be honest, it’s kind of refreshing to know that Hanna’s mom already knew Deputy Douchey, back when she boned him in the pilot episode, so that he would drop Hanna’s shoplifting charges.  This makes Hanna’s mom seem like way less of a ho-bag, than I initially thought she was.  Anywhoo . . . Hanna’s mom, was apparently drunk as a skunk at some bar.  So, Deputy Douchey offered to drive her home in hopes of getting laid out of the kindness of his heart.  Douchey Cop makes some not-so-subtle suggestions that he be invited inside for a quickie cup of coffee.  But Hanna and her mom are clearly not interested.  And so, he reluctantly leaves.

Hanna and her mom then briefly discuss their financial troubles, and Hanna’s dad’s new girlfriend, before Hanna’s mom passes out on the couch.  YAY for Good Parenting!

*sigh* “I guess I’ll go eat my feelings, now.” 

“Shy on the streets.   Sexy in the sheets (or in the backseat of a car).” 

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The next day at lunch, the girls are all gossiping about a rumor Wifebeater Ben apparently started, about his having sex with Emily.  Emily alludes to the fact that this rumor might be true.  And all the girls seem surprised, excited, and a bit jealous to hear about it . . .

“I’m not sexually attracted to girls.  Not me . . . no sir . . .”

Then, Nerdy Mona comes by, and all the girls laugh, as Ali humiliates the crap out of her . . .

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So, Mona has to go sit at the NERD Table with Lucas.  FOR SHAME!

“Awww, man!  Tuna for lunch, AGAIN!” 

Did I mention before that Spencer is running for Class President?  Because she IS . . . And she has way better posters than that lame chick “Dana Williams.”   (To compare both posters, simply scroll up three pictures.)

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I only mention this, because I have this theory that “Dana Williams,” Spencer’s opponent, is actually “Not-Now-Dana.”  a.k.a. the Random Girl Who Just Got Eaten by Stefan on TVD . . .

After school, we are treated to that flashback from the pilot, where Aria learned of her dad’s affair, by finding him hooking up in the backseat of his car, with that slut, Meredith.  Only this time,  we have the joy of experiencing it in Real Time . . .  (Mona sees it happen too!)

“Tra la la . . . eating yogurt is fun.  (And not at all fattening.)” 

“Wait for ME!  I LIKE EATING YOGURT TOO!”

“What a LOSER!  She is SO not touching our yogurt.  Hey, isn’t that your dad, making out with the slutty student who was laying on his couch, with her legs open, earlier in the episode?”

“Hey, you’re not my Mommy.  Why is your tongue cleaning my Daddy’s teeth?”

BUSTED!

Vampire Jason Strikes Again . . . (and so does Douchey Cop)

“I want to suck your blood . . . but first, let me give you this Mysterious Package.” 

That night, Ali is home in her bedroom, which may or may not feature a picture of her Evil Twin Sister on the bedroom wall, when Jason comes in to talk about “making a movie.”  He’d like to tell Ali what that movie is about, but if he told her he’d “HAVE TO KILL HER!”  (I smell foreshadowing again!)   After Jason leaves, Ali opens the box and finds a voodoo doll in it.   The doll comes with a note . . .

“OMG!  This is the ugliest doll I’ve ever seen.  I’m so going to bully it at school.  And make it’s life a living hell.”

“Well, that’s not very nice!”

Ali then does what most of us do, when we receive creepy voodoo dolls with threatening messages attached to them.  She opens her heater vent, and pulls out another box.  Wait . . . WHAT?

The box contains an ugly doll that looks surprisingly similar to the one the two girls played with in Ali’s scary story.  There’s also a necklace in there of some sort.  (I suspect this was the box Jason gave to Aria, earlier in the season.)  Ali unscrews the dolls head, and puts the “I’m going to torture you” note inside.  Then she closes up the box, and puts it back in the heater.  I guess Ali doesn’t want anyone to know she still plays with dolls . . .

It’s just a letter . . . nothing to lose your HEAD over . . . 

Back at Hanna’s house, Douchey Cop pops over again.  And this time he’s REALLY insistent on coming inside.  But he gets REJECTED.  Hanna seems concerned.  But her mom, doesn’t think much of it.  “He’s just a horny cop.  I’m sure we won’t see him again . . . ”  Riiiiiiight.

“Kiss me, I’m Douchey . . .” 

“Kiss me, I’m wrapped in a towel, and staring at your butter.”

Everybody cries . . . sometimes

“I’m not crying because I might lose the election.  I’m crying because I REALLY HATE TO SEW!” 

Now, Ali is at Spencer’s house.  (Girlfriend gets AROUND!)  Spencer is crying, because she’s afraid she won’t win the class election.  And, if she loses, her dad will think she’s a total loser!  So, Ali vows to make sure that Spencer wins the election . . . probably by paying Stefan to eat Not Now Dana . . . (It’s all starting to make sense now.)

Over at Aria’s house, Aria and her dad, are having an incredibly awkward conversation, in which Aria’s dad has the NERVE to tell his daughter not to rat him out for boning that student, because finding out would make his mom SAD . . . or something.  Yeah, he’s a TOTAL A$$HOLE, Aria!  I’m glad “A” told on his ass . . .

“Please don’t tell your Mom, I’m a total loser, who wears way-too-tight shirts, and who she never should have married . . .” 

*sniffle*  “I think she already knows.”

“I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this,” whispers Aria, as she storms out of the room.

Then she cries.  And her dad cries. And I cry.  We ALL cry . . .

 

Fake Sex, Hermaphodites, and Election Wins . . .

The next day, Ali suggests that Emily go on the pill, since she’s apparently started boning Wife Beater Boyfriend Ben.  Emily admits to Ali that they didn’t really have sex.  This causes Ali to wonder why Emily let everyone believe that Ben “took the VIP tour to Never Never Land . . .”

We know that Emily only did this so no one know she’s really gay.  But she makes some excuse about planning to bone Wife Beater Ben in the future, anyway, so why not let people think she’s doing it now.  Yeah . . .  that makes sense . . . not really . . . but OK, Emily.

At school, Aria claims to be COOL with her Dad being incapable of keeping his weiner in his pants.  But the ugly hat she is wearing says otherwise . . .

“Hanna eats her feelings.  I wear them on my head.” 

Then Spencer wins class president election.  YAY!  (In other news, Not Now Dana is Dead.)

“Hooray!”

“That b*tch!”

Also, Lucas is wearing a dorky pumpkin t-shirt.  And spilled soda on Ali.  So, she called him a hermaphodite.  You know, because people with both kinds of private parts, are very clumsy, and like to wear orange . . .

“Don’t worry.   I’ll lick it off you.” 

After the girls leave, Lucas tells Mona that Ali will one day “get what’s coming to her.”

It’s Party Time . . . (and quite possibly time to DIE!)

As promised, the girls all get ready for Noel’s SUPER COOL Halloween party at Spencer’s house, where . . . SOMEONE MAYBE WATCHING THEM . . .

After the rest of the girls leave, Aria seems not so psyched about attending the party.  So, Ali blackmails her to go, by threatening her that, if she doesn’t, Ali will tell everyone about her dad’s affair with the Student Slutbag . . .

“Wow!  You really are a terrible human being, you know that?  No wonder half the cast of this show are suspects in your murder.” 

“I know.   And my Lady Gaga costume sucks too . . .”

At the Halloween Party, Spencer has dressed up as Bloody Mary . . . but not the cool, scary, pops out of bathroom mirrors, Bloody Mary, the boring historical one . . .

Spencer has made the Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls mistake of not dressing up as something sexy, while attending a Super Cool Halloween party.  (For shame.)  Busy Eyebrows Noel is dressed as a doctor.  (Yeah . . . because THAT’s creative.)  And a whole lot of people came to the party as Ugly Baby Head . . .

But the MOST SHOCKING THING OF ALL IS THAT NOT-YET-BLIND JENNA HAD THE NERVE TO GO TO THE PARTY AS LADY GAGA!

And what’s worse, she’s a WAY HOTTER LADY GAGA THEN ALI!

Knowing that she’s been beaten at her own game, Ali offers Not-Yet-Blind Jenna a spot in her SUPER ELITE circle.  An offer which Jenna promptly declines.  She’d much rather hang out with Looking A lot Less Nerdy Now, Mona, who is dressed as Cat Woman, thank you very much!

Meow.

Ali won’t let this rejection ruin her party.  So, she makes her way around the room, stopping to flirt with some boys . . .

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She also pulls Spencer aside, to show her all the random ballots she STOLE, so that she would win the presidential election.  “I thought you’d like to look at them first.  You’d be surprised at who your friend’s AREN’T.”  Ali notes slyly, before walking away.

OK . . . first of all, where the heck did Ali hide those ballots in her costume?  (Did she put them in her BRA?)  Second of all, aren’t ballots supposed to be anonymous?  Third of all, which PLL girl in her right mind would vote for Not Now Dana, instead of Spencer?  Fourth of all . . . yeah . . . I don’t have a fourth of all . . .

Then Ali sees Emily drooling over Not-Yet-Blind Jenna.  So, of course, she has to make a clever comment about that . . .

Emily LIKE! 

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Later, the girls get a text from Ali, claiming that she is stuck at the Creepy Farm House, and that they should come alone . . .

Uh oh!  I hope Ugly Baby Head didn’t take her . . .

Things get kind of spooky, from here on in.  The girls enter the farmhouse, and go up the stairs . . .

Of course, Ugly Baby Head is there.  Because everybody knows Ugly Baby Head never misses a party . . .

“Come play with me.”

The girls here noises, and are really FRIGGIN freaked out.  Then Ali, pokes her head out of a door, claiming that some dude grabbed her.

“Please help me.  I’m too young to die.  (I’ll be old enough in a couple of months.  But I’m too young, now.” 

Ali goes back behind the door to check if the dude is gone, and to call the cops.  But then SHE IS GRABBED BY AN UGLY BABY HEAD!

“Want a hug?” 

She screams.  The girls SCREAM.  WE ALL SCREAM!

 

But then, it turns out Ali is OK . . . OR IS SHE?  (Maybe her Evil Twin took her away?)

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Back at the party, all these other cast members, have randomly arrived.  Douchey Cop is there, and so are Vampire Jason, Melissa, and Creepy Pedo Not-Yet-Zombie Ian . . .

“For Halloween, I’ve decided to dress up as a slightly less Douchey version of myself .  . .

Bushy Eyebrows Noel is back, except now he’s wearing a costume that looks less like the doctor one he was wearing before, and more like Ugly Baby Head . . .

Ali asks Bushy whether he was the one who grabbed her in the haunted house earlier, signifying that what happened to her up there, may not have been the Big Funny Prank on the rest of the PLL girls, that Ali pretended it to be.  Bushy claims he didn’t do it.  And I believe him, only because I think he’s too stupid to pull something like that off.  Then Lucas appears at the party, and he’s dressed as . . . wait for it . . . UGLY BABY HEAD!  (Surprise!)

WOAH!  Lucas looks SUPER EVIL in this screencap! 

There’s yet another Ugly Baby Head at this party.  But his identity is never revealed.  (Seriously?  The people in Rosewood REALLY need to get more creative about choosing their Halloween costumes.  It’s not like there’s ever been an Ugly Baby Head movie!  How the heck did this costume get so popular?)

At the end of the episoe, we get our first OFFICIAL text from A.  Here it is . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

And that was “The First Secret” in a nutshell.   So, what did you THINK?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Guys and Dolls – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Over My Dead Body”

HANNA:  “Man, those dolls are ugly!  Do you think they are going to crawl out of the box and try to bite our faces off?  Because I am way too pretty for that . . .”

SPENCER:  “Ummm . . . I don’t think this is that kind of show.”

EMILY:  “Are you sure?   But what about the time when A somehow entered my Alpha Bits box, and made sure it was made up of all letter ‘A’s’ . . . or the time when she INJECTED MY PAIN CREME WITH STEROIDS . . .And don’t even get me started on the time “A” SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVED Ian’s 175-plus pound dead body from the rafters of a church and carried it to who knows where, in a matter of seconds?”

ARIA: “You’re right.  The DOLLS ARE ALIVE!  EVERYBODY RUN!”

True Story . . . When I was about 8 or 9ish, I had a porcelain doll collection that I loved very dearly.  I just thought those dolls were the most beautiful things in the world.  They stayed on a shelf in my room.  I had names for all of them.  And I could spend hours just staring into their round little eyes, and perfect porcelain faces.

In my defense, the dolls in question looked absolutely nothing like these hideous plastic pieces of crap . . . 

Then, I became old enough to watch horror movies . . .  And those horror movies told me that, more likely than not, my doll collection was out to make me do terrible things and/or kill my family and friends and/or tie me to a piece of furniture, while systematically removing various body parts of mine.

So, while most teenagers and young adults were GROWING OUT of the fear that their inanimate objects possessed supernatural powers, I was GROWING INTO mine.  And that’s how my once-beloved porcelain doll collection ended up, first, in the hallway closet, and then, in my basement, and finally (when I moved out of my childhood home), in a box to be shipped off to the neighbors, forever.  (They were probably worth a lot of money too!)

So, what I’m basically saying is, if I was sent a doll in the mail that kind of looked like me, and told me to: stop a wedding, or travel to some desolate area for no good reason, whatsoever, or make somebody “go away,” I don’t think would follow its orders.  In fact, it’s much more likely that I would SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER . . . and then go hide under my bed, for the rest of my existence . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s doll-centric PLL Summer Finale.  It both scared the crap out of me, and made me a little bit angry.  Yet, I was simply too intrigued about what was going to happen next to look away . . .

And so, before I go back to hiding under my bed, my Pretties, I would like to share with you my FINAL PLL recap of the summer season . . .

(By the way, special thanks to PrettyLittleLiarsFan.com for the screencaps you see here . . .)

Lawyer Up, Liars!

The episode begins with three of the four PLL girls (WHERE’S EMILY?) seated, at a long table with dresses on their bodies, pusses on their faces, and strategically-placed bits of dirt on their arms and cheeks.  (Only the PLL girls can take a thing like “having crap on your face” and make it look like “just another layer of foundation.”)  The room in question is the swankiest police interrogation room, I have ever seen  . . . complete with two-way mirror, fancy chandelier, and file cabinets, galore.  There even appear to be PICTURES ON THE WALL.  (Taxes in Rosewood must be SUPER HIGH to pay for this!)

“I’ll get you my Pretties, and your little boyfriends too!” 

Watching the PLL girls from the other side of the two-way mirror is (SURPRISE, SURRPRISE!) Police Boy Garrett.  Man, this guy is like a bad pimple!  No matter how many times you think he’s gone for good, he just keeps popping back up to ruin your social life!  Police Boy Garrett is having a Typical Smug Villain Conversation with Unseen Special Guest Star, who he says, will probably get a promotion for nabbing a bunch of underage chicks in frilly dresses, and mercilessly interrogating them for a murder that, supposedly, has already been solved.  (Remember how “Ian” “confessed?”  Well, apparently, nobody else does either . . .)

“muah hahaha! It looks like I got away with MURDER!  Oh wait . . . I didn’t kill Ali either  . . . and I’m also DEAD.  So . . . nevermind.”

Then Unseen Special Guest Star comes to pay the ladies a personal visit.  He informs them that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania.  And they are “going down.”  (Yes, he actually says “going down,” like someone out of a bad Spiderman comic book.)  Umm . . . yeah . .  . thanks for the little legal lesson, Unseen Special Guest Star.  But, as “tough on crime” as the Great State of Pennsylvania may be, I’m pretty sure homicide is a capital offense EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  Just sayin . . .

It isn’t until the final seconds before the theme song starts playing, that we finally get a glimpse of Unseen Special Guest Star’s face.  And while his FACE is, in fact, very familiar, to us old-school PLL fans who’ve been watching the show since the beginning . . . I’d venture to guess that . . .umm . . . other parts of his anatomy are slightly more familiar to us . . .  You’ll see what I mean, in just a moment.

Who the f*&k is THIS GUY? 

OH!  Hi Deputy Douchey!  We’ve missed you! 🙂 

Shrinkypoo . .  . Where are YOU?

A helpful graphic on our screen informs us that time has magically rewound.  It is now twelve hours earlier than it was before.  Meanwhile, our eyes tell us that it is Aria’s turn to wear HER version of the off-the shoulder streetwalker-type outfit worn last week by Emily, and the week before by Spencer (which means, Hanna gets it next week.)  Coincidentally, Aria is also wearing a Snookie from Jersey Shore ponytail poof and oddly uncomfortable-looking door-knocker earrings, that are roughly the size of her entire face . . .

Anywhoo . . . somehow the girls have figured out where Shrinkypoo lives, and they are nosing around her house looking for her.  BUT SURPRISE!  She is NOT THERE, and, from the looks of it, hasn’t been there in quite some time!  (Where can she BE?)

Ever the voice of reason, Spencer informs the girls that it is very likely that “A” KILLED Shrinkypoo, since that’s pretty much what “A” does when people figure out his or her identity.  Spencer just hopes that “A” doesn’t send them all an annoying gloating text message about it, which is ALSO what he/she typically does in situations like this.  Lo and behold, a cell phone goes off, and Spencer, hilariously breaks the fourth wall, and gives a big middle finger to the writers for messing with her . . . or at least that’s what she WOULD have done, if she wasn’t on ABC Family.  But, since she IS on ABC Family, she just says, “That did NOT just happen.”

But happen, it did . . .

“Nice knowin ya, Shrinkypoo!  I’m off to get laid!” 

But don’t worry, my Pretties.  The mysterious message actually wasn’t from “A” for a change.  It was just Maya contacting Emily for a booty call.  (Unless, of course, you believe that Maya is actually “A” . . . which, you know, she might be.  Who knows?)

Lesbi-Friends? NAH!  Lesbi-LOVERS!

Emily and Maya are attempting to “get aquainted” in the bedroom (ahem).  But cockblock flowerblock Hanna can’t take the hint, and keeps needling Maya about what de-gaying camp was like (aside from being obviously ineffective, haha!).

“So, did you actually get to meet Michele Bachmann, or what?” 

Finally, Emily gives Hanna her best death stare, and forces her to leave the premises, IMMEDIATELY.  Hanna sheepishly complies, but not before awkwardly commenting on Maya’s new Tory Burch boots, much to Maya’s obvious discomfort.

 We all know how much Hanna just LOVES those damn Tory Burch boots.  Shrinkypoo had them too.  It’s what made Hanna decide to go into therapy.

I wouldn’t even bring this up.  However, there WAS a scene earlier this season, during which Gloved Hand purchased the same boots that Maya is wearing.  Does that mean Maya is definitely “A”?  Not necessarily, but I’d say it’s enough to make her yet another suspect . . .  Once they’ve kicked Hanna to the curb, Emily and Maya decide to start back as friends, until they “get to know eachother again.”  Meh!  “Knowing eachother” is overrated!  Let’s just get back to the Hot Sex, mmmkay?

Speaking of Hot Sex . . .

Oh BABY!

SPENCER: “So, do you think Facelift Vampire Jason covers up his windows so the sunlight doesn’t burn his skin?” 

TOBY: “Either that, or he must REALLY LIKE TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!”

SPENCER:  “Facelift Vampire Jason can read?”

“I am mesmerizing you with my vampire eyes, and new surfer boy haircut.”

Abs  Toby is screwing “hanging out” on Spencer’s bed again.  Of course, Spoby is relegated to screwing “hanging out” in Spencer’s house, and in the backseat of Abs Toby’s car .  . .

When Abs Toby’s car is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin! 

 . . .  because Blind Jenna frequents Abs Toby’s house.

Blind Jenna: preventing her brother from EVER having sex, one off-key note at a time . .  .

And everybody knows she has Evil Girl Crabs Policeboy Garrett Cooties, which NOBODY wants to catch, least of all Spencer.  Speaking of Abs Toby’s car, it apparently broke down, due to a release in breakline fluid, a car problem which just REEKS of “A” sabotage!

But Toby isn’t too worried about all that.  He’d much rather makeout with Spencer and talk about their future babies.  (WOW, Toby!  How Modern Male, of you.  Just be sure to use protection, so that you don’t end up on the next installment of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant: Rosewood Edition . . .)

TOBY: “If you’d just stop staring at Facelift Vampire Jason, we could start making babies, right now . . .” 

SPENCER:  “Must . . . stare at vampire eyes . . .  cannot . . . look . . . away (though, if you take off your shirt, I might be convinced).”

Abs Toby asks Spencer what she thinks their future kids would look like.  And Spencer, a girl after my own heart, can only think of ONE quality her kids will definitely have:  Abs Toby’s ABS!

Papa Spoby 

Baby Spoby 

What started out as an excellent conversation quickly turns into an uncomfortable one, when Toby begins interrogating Spencer about why her dad was randomly hanging out in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom in the middle of the night.   (Blood exchange?)  Though he doesn’t at all deserve it, Spencer decides to remain loyal to her dad, and not tell Abs Toby about the whole, “My Dad changed Grandma DiLaurentis’ will” thing.  (Riiiiiight, because the guy who got MOLESTED BY HIS OWN STEPSISTER, wouldn’t understand at all what it’s like to have evil family members.)  But when Abs Toby doesn’t buy Spencer’s initial explanation (After all, Spencer Face is NOT the kind to EVER leave a room without getting the whole story, from EVERYONE SHE KNOWS.), she gets a bit testy with him.

“So, your gene pool includes a sociopathic dad, and a heinous b*tch of a sister.  At least our babies will be pretty!” 

Could this be the first sign of cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship?  Speaking of perfect relationships . . .

Hi Honey, Welcome Back!  I have Back Fat . . .

“Mmmmm . .  . back fat .  . . feels . . . squishy!” 

You know how, when you first get into a new relationship, you are always on your absolute best behavior, because you don’t want your new signficant other to know that you have mood swings, or fat days, or frizzy hair, or that you have a tendency to whine, when things don’t go your way?  Yeah . . . apparently Hanna and Caleb are WAAAAAAAAYYYYY past that!  I mean, here comes New-haircut Caleb, fresh from California, and his meeting with the Mom He Never Knew He Had . . . and there’s Hanna talking about puke, and back fat, and ugly dresses . . . three topics which are music to any boy’s ears!  Fortunately, Caleb is so horny, he could really care less.  So, he kisses her deeply, in hopes that she will shut the heck up, and bring him back to the bedroom .  . . or the shower . . . or the tent . . . if you catch my drift . . .

Welcome back, Caleb . . . We really missed your . .  . um . . . assets! 

In other relationship news . . .

Two is Company, and Jackie is a B*tch!

“So, let me get this straight.  I bought you an ENGAGEMENT RING.  And you bought me a cheap styrofoam cup of watered-down coffee from the teacher’s lounge?   Yeah, we’re totally even now.”

Fitzy’s lounging on his massive brown office couch, when Poor Man’s Megan Fox comes bounding by, holding two EXTRA GRANDE cups of coffee, where her boobs are supposed to be  . . .

“Hey there, Fitzy!  Check out my massively large jugs.   They are double S .  . . for Starbucks.” 

By the time Aria arrives with her, much more reasonably sized cups of coffee.  (Unlike Jackie, Aria doesn’t have to worry about Fitzy FALLING ASLEEP while THEY do the deed . . .), Jackie is already all over Fitzy like a bad case of poison ivy.

“I wonder if my massively large earring will fit around her neck.” 

Rather than interrupt this Moment, Aria decides to hang back and listen.  As it turns out, she needn’t have worried.  Fitzy rejects Poor Man’s Megan Fox’s advances SO HARD AND FAST, he practically leaves skid marks on her face!

But wait . . . we interrupt this not particularly sturdy Love Triangle to bring you (SURPRISE) another text from A  . . .

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . . though, honestly, not by much, considering they showed us this clip in the Much Music promos for the episode.

Playing With Dolls

“Wow, FedEx must have charged a portion to ship THIS!” 

Time flies when you are having fun.  Now it’s only TEN HOURS before the first scene of the episode.  Apparently, sometime during that two-hour timeframe, “A” dropped off a massively large box in Spencer’s living room.  (It’s a good thing Spencer’s mom is never home, her sister left the show, and her dad is always chilling in Facelift Vampire Jason’s room, or someone might have gotten suspicious!)  Not surprisingly, there is no return address on the box.   Just THIS . . .

Is this the part where the creepy girl pops out and says “Seven Days?”  Wait, never mind . .  . wrong movie. 

The girls worry for a few moments that Shrinkypoo’s ear is inside the box.  And, admittedly, Shrinkypoo did have some elf-like ears!  But nope!  No ears or chick from The Ring are hiding in this box, just three ugly dolls . . . one for Aria . . . one for Hanna . . . one for Spencer . . . and NONE FOR EMILY (which, is really kind of RUDE, don’t you think?)

Someone needs to get these dolls a STYLIST, stat!  Last I checked, Pretty Little Liars do NOT wear muumuus!  Oh, and Hanna’s doll looks kind of sweaty . . . not to mention a bit chunkers.  Just sayin’

“What about me?  Where’s MY doll?  What am I, chopped liver?”

 So, here’s the skinny on these dolls.  They all talk funny, and apparently have pertinent instructions that the girls must follow in order to get back their Shrinkypoo . . .

Aria’s says, “Make Jackie go away,” thereby making Aria’s doll my favorite of the bunch!  (I concur, Aria’s doll!)  But Aria’s doll doesn’t come empty handed, she comes bearing gifts, specifically, evidence that Jackie COMPLETELY plagiarized a paper she is getting published on some French artist.  Spencer, who, herself is no stranger to plagiarism, breaks it down for her innocent friends to understand.

Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding,” making her my second favorite doll, if only because “stopping the wedding” means, maybe, not having to see that wench Kate, anymore .  . .

My least favorite doll is Spencer’s, who says, “Keep Toby safe,” an ambigious enough line that Spencer somehow interprets as “Dump Toby.”  Ummm . . .  jump to conclusions much, Spencer?

“Dammit!   Now, I’m going to have to have boring, non-six pack having chubby babies like everybody else!” 

Back in present time . . .

Aria Cries and Police Boy Garrett Lies . . .

“It’s so strange officer.  My blind wench of a girlfriend and I stole every single solitary copy of page 5 from Ali’s autopsy.  Page 5 of Ali’s autopsy is MISSING!  WOAH!”

So, remember how Spencer was searching for Ali’s autopsy, but Corpse Dude took the last page out of the records, so that she couldn’t find out, for certain, what murder weapon was used to kill Ali?

Well, it turns out that Corpse Dude may well have been Police Boy Garrett, who tells his superior that EVERY SINGLE COPY of Ali’s autopsy, including the one IN THE COMPUTER is conveniently missing it’s fifth page.  Yeah . . . Police Boy Garrett, like A, needs to get a life . . . seriously.   Meanwhile, Aria makes her “One Phone Call” to a Mystery Person, and blubbers to that person about how she made a “terrible mistake.”  Meanwhile, Policeboy Garrett listens on, twirling his invisible super villain mustache with glee . . .

“I made a really big mistake, by wearing this totally inappropriate skull necklace with my poofy ballet tutu of a wedding dress!  (But it’s supposed to signify that I used to be “goth.”  So, I guess it’s acceptable.) 

Now, we head right back to the past, where there are only SIX HOURS left until the present.  (Are you getting confused yet?  Because I sure am!) . . .

Jackie is Wacky! (And, possibly, on crack-y)

“How is it 2011, and you don’t even have a computer on your desk, Jackie?  Did you, perhaps, use Fitzy’s typewriter to plagiarize your paper?”

Following her doll’s instructions (yeah, it sounds weird to me too), Aria half-assedly confronts Jackie about her plagiarism, and tells her that she THINKS she should leave Hollis.  As I was hoping for a BIG ASS cat fight between these two brunettes, I was, honestly, kind of disappointed, and I think Aria’s doll would have been too.  Aside from not being particularly fun to watch, Aria’s so-called blackmail attempt ended up being ineffective.  SO, ineffective, in fact, that Poor Man’s Megan Fox arrived on Aria’s door step to blackmail HER, right back.  “Rat me out, and I’ll tell the administrators at Hollis about Fitzy’ affair with an underage student.”

Yeahhh Jackie, because THAT’S the way to get back into the heart of the man you supposedly love . . . by publicly accusing him of a pedophile and getting him FIRED from his dream job.  Good thinking, Ass Munch!

“If this was Jennifer’s Body 2: Jennifer’s Revenge, I would open up my big fat mouth and eat your brain for lunch . . “

Another hour has passed.  And it’s Hanna’s and Spencer’s turn to obey their dolls and screw up their lives . . .

Honesty?  What’s that?

It’s almost time for the wedding, and Hanna’s chilling in red robe, trying to figure out how she can stop it.  Enter Douchey Daddy, with his pep talk about how Hanna should accept her NEW mom, even though Douchey is still boning her OLD one.

Hanna wonders out loud why, if Douchey Daddy loves New Mommy as much as he says he does, is he still sleeping in Old Mommy’s bed, and playing Find the Salami with her? 😉  Douchey Daddy admits that when things are going well for him, he has a tendency to screw them up, before someone else gets a chance to do it for him.  Oh, don’t worry, Douchey Daddy!  Something tells me that THIS time, you will be able to just sit back, relax, and leave the screwing up to your daughter!

Speaking of screwing up, Spencer is hanging out in Abs Toby’s Death Mobile, ready and waiting to murder their relationship, one harsh word at a time . . .

Honestly, Spencer’s excuse for dumping Poor Tobs is pretty lame.  She, more or less, tells him that she was lying to him about what her father told her about Facelift Vampire Jason.  And, that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her Big Bad Family Secrets with him.  Like I said, NO ONE has creepier family secrets than Abs Toby!

It’s pretty obvious to me that there is NOTHING Spencer could tell Abs about her asshat father, that would make him think any less of Spencer.  Plus, I actually think that being honest, and WARNING Abs Man about “A,” would be a good a way as any to “keep him safe” and, you know, NOT HAVE HIM DIE and stuff.  But hey, it’s the finale.  And finales require drama, so . . .

“Spencer, don’t leave! What will I tell our extremely muscular future children?”

After half-assedly dumping Toby, Spencer rushes from the car, and has a mini-Soap Opera Style Nervous Breakdown, right next to a friendly old tree . . .

“I’m just so SAD, Mr. Tree!  Please, hold me .  . . Or, just stay there, and let me fondle your bark.  That works too.”

Watching Spencer attempt to win an Emmy Award is who else but DR WREN!  YIPPPEEEEE!  (Sorry Tobs!  I know you’re great for Spencer and all.  And I don’t think she should have dumped you . . . BUT I LOVE ME SOME WREN!)

YUMMY!

Wren, ever the sucker for a Damsel in Distress (He dated Whiny Melissa, after all), scoops Spencer up off the tree, gives her a cute little monogrammed hanky with which to carry her snot, and drives her home in his kickass, “I’m a doctor” car.  He then gallantly waits in her living room (because, AGAIN, her parents are NEVER HOME) while she prepares, for Douchey Daddy’s wedding.

Spencer comes downstairs in my favorite dress ever, and this is coming from someone who can take or leave many of Spencer’s outfit choices (Sweater Pony, and Over-the-Shoulder Denim, anyone?).  She then offers Wren back her snotty hanky, which HE TAKES . . . and RUBS WITH HIS FINGERS.  (Now THAT is LOVE, people!)

“Your boogers are beautiful, and so are you and so am I.”

“Why yes.  They are rather attractive boogers, if I do say so, myself.”

Talk about a Stand-up Guy!  Wren even advises Spencer to give Abs Toby another chance . . . or, as he cutely nicknamed him, “The Carpenter.”  (I love how slyly snooty that was of Wren!)  Wren then tells Spencer that he’s bbeen dying to kiss her, AND HE DOES!  AND IT’S ADORABLE!  AND I WISH I WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THAT KISS.  AND SPENCER DEFINITELY LIKED IT, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN’T.

“You have terrible timing,” notes Spencer guiltily, as she unraveles her tongue from Wren’s, the taste of his mint lip gloss, still on her lips.  (COME ON!  You just know a guy who carries around a hanky filled with his lover’s snot uses mint lip gloss.)  Wren agrees, and gently offers Spencer her wrap, as he escorts her to the wedding.  (By the way, who wants to bet that “A” somehow nabbed a shot of them kissing, and is going to send it to Abs Toby?  Just a hunch . . .)

Meanwhile, in car nearby . . .

DAMN YOU, GPS (And Creepy Pocahontas-looking doll)!

So, Emily, in your Alice in Wonderland Dress, I have a question for you . . . two, actually.  (1) If you have lived in Rosewood, all your life, and have, even during the course of this series, attended many events at its ONLY CHURCH, why do you need to use GPS to drive there?  We know your town isn’t that big?   (2)  I own a GPS.  And when I get to the point where my destination is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, I TURN IT OFF.  I don’t sit there and second guess the fact that I AM SEEING THE DESTINATION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, just because some computer says I’m wrong.  Why don’t you?  (OK, so that second one, was more of a criticism than a question, but still . . .)

Anywhoo . . . Emily’s GPS doesn’t want to take her to church.   It apparently, wants to take her and her NEW PASSENGER to some random barn . . . though I’m not sure whether it’s the same barn where Ali died, or Ian fake-died.  Note: I said NEW PASSENGER.  Because, apparently, Emily was so mesmerized by her GPS system, that she completely missed the fact that a BIG UGLY ASS DOLL climbed in the backseat of her car and hitchhiked the entire way to the church.

Look familiar? 

By the way, it occurred to me that “A” was taking was taking a mighty big risk, by not seatbelting Emily Doll.  I mean, think about it.  What would happen if Emily’s car stopped short, and Emily Doll tumbled onto the floor, before Emily could find her.  How would “A” terrorize Emily then?  More Alpha Bits?  Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!

Anyway, Emily’s Ugly Doll tells her that she will lead Emily to wear Shrinkypoo is supposedly being held hostage.  Not wanting more blood on her hands, Emily follows the Doll’s and GPS’s instructions, which lead her to a BARN, i.e. The Place Where PLL Cast Members Typically GO TO DIE!

Not surprisingly, Shrinkypoo isn’t actually in the barn.  In fact, all that’s there is a Toxic Murder Car (but not Toby’s).  By the time Emily realizes that she’s been duped into entering the Barn of Death it is too late.  The door has slammed shut in her face, and she is locked in.

“Hey!  You can’t do this!  I’m signed on as a series regular for Season 3.” 

Emily eventually asphixiates and passes out.  When she “wakes up,” she finds herself in a dirty sex dream with Dead Ali . . .

 

Source
(Well, technically, Emily is still single, since her and Maya are “just friends.”  So, I guess she’s not too big of a Dream Slut.)

With the barn, and the frilly dresses, and the cryptic speeches by friends past, I suspect that Emily’s dream is kind of what a modern-day Wizard of Oz would look like, if the Wizard of Oz was turned into a gay porno.   In the dream/hallucination, Dream Ali also says that she misses Emily the most, proceeds to make out with her, and offers to stay with her in Purgatory forever.   (What is this Lost?)

Ali also annoyingly tells Emily that she knows who “A” is, but, of course, can’t tell her.   (Well, could you at least tell US, Ali?  Because I’m dying to know.)  In fact, in her lame argument as to why she can’t reveal “A’s” identity to Emily, Dead Ali actually quotes the show’ theme song, telling Emily that “only two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.”  And yet, one of them (Ali) IS dead . . . so, based solely on the song, I don’t get why Ali couldn’t tell Emily the secret.  Unless . . . of course, she ISN’T . . .

While Emily is dream humping / playing Guess Who with Ali, Hanna is at her dad’s wedding, causing trouble . . . as per usual.

The Back Fat Returns . . . The Bride Does Not . . .

“Just think.  You and I could get married here, one day.  Our future babies wouldn’t have as good abs as the Spoby kids.  But they are sure to be able to hold their liquor, be good with their hands (ahem) . . . and will probably have really nice hair.” 

While Aria and Spencer worry about what the heck is taking Emily so long  (She’s busy having Hallucinatory Sex with Dead Ali, guys!  CHILL OUT!) , New Hair / New Attitude Caleb is trying to calm down a very-uptight-about-the-wedding-for-good-reason Hanna.  The pair are approached by AWFUL Kate, who makes a snide comment about Hanna’s Hangover, before the latter excuses herself to make a phone call.  Of course, Kate wastes no time, trying to dig her claws into Caleb, by complimenting him on his snazzy suit (which, I assume his new-rich Mom bought or him).

“You have big hands.  And you know what they say about guys with big hands, don’t you?  They also have . . . big feet.” 

Fortunately, just like Fitzy before him, Caleb, is, apparently, a one-man-woman.  And he lets Kate know this in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, by . . . telling her that SHE HAS BACK FAT!

Just in case you were wondering about who was calling Hanna, it was Caleb . . . to tell her about that AWESOME BACK FAT JOKE.  Just kidding . . . it was “A” . . . AGAIN . . . reminding Hanna that SOMEONE is running out of air.  *groans*

It’s Wedding Time . . .  The bride and groom are front and center.  (But the bride’s hair looks more appropriate for a morning workout, than an afternoon marriage.)  Hanna stands in her place as bridesmaid, behind Awful Kate . . . watching . . . waiting.  Finally, she makes her decision, awkwardly asking to speak to the bride ALONE . . .

AWKWARD! 

Even Awful Kate seems curious as to how this all is going to go down.  Soon-Not-To-Be-New-Step Monster Isabel, heads off to confer with her Soon-Not-to-be-Step-Daughter, who promptly tells her that Douchey Daddy, and Mama Marin recently horizontal mambo-ed together.

The bad news is .  . . your marriage is over.  The good news is . . . your new dress is WAY prettier than your pukey old one.  Perhaps, you can wear it to your next weddding. 

Of course, Daddy Dearest has overheard the whole conversation, and is unable to deny any of it.  (That will teach you to put your weiner where your mouth is, Tom.  Wait . . . that didn’t come out right.)

Stepmonster Isa-hell storms off.  And Hanna futilely asks her dad for forgiveness, but he can’t even look at her.  (I guess the concept of “honesty is the best policy” just doesn’t apply in the Marin Household.)  Ring, ring.  It’s another text message from “A.”  It’s the address of the infamous barn.  I wonder if the rest of the PLL girls will need GPS to get their like Emily did . . . I’m guessing not.

Dig a Little Deeper . . .

“Dude?  Why are you naked?  What did Dream Ali do to you?” 

Emily awakens to find her gal pals watching over her.  Apparently, “A” had enough sense to pull Emily out of the barn, before she DIED OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING.  (How sweet of her/him!)  Emily tells the girls that she was with Alison, and that their so-called Dead Friend is still alive.  She can still feel the Queen Bee’s lips on hers.  Of course, the PLL girls just assume that she was hallucinating, which she may very well have been.

Then Emily notices a shovel leaning up against the barn, that wasn’t there before  . . . a shovel with latitude, longitude coordinates attached to it . . .

Would YOU be able to follow those coordinates? Because, I’m not shy to admit that I would have NO CLUE how to go about doing that.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Spencer is smarter than I am, and leads the rest of the girls to the spot in question, where they quickly find a recently dug shallow grave.  UH OH!

“You mean, they want us to get on our HANDS AND KNEES?  In THESE DRESSES .  . . just to save some boring old shrink.  You know, now that I think about it, I didn’t like Anne Sullivan all that much.  Did you?” 

The decidedly unfemine nature of their task aside, the girls begin to dig.  Hanna freaks out, when she finds those Tory Burch boots she recognizes as Shrinkypoo’s!  (UY!  Again with the friggin BOOTS!  ENOUGH!)  Then they uncover what INITIALLY looks like a face, but is actually just an ugly clown mask . . . oops.

Wow, Shrinkypoo!  You sure are pale! 

Cue the lights, and the helicopters.  . . wait . . . WHAT?  Oh yes, that’s right, boys and girls.  As it turns out, “A” set up the PLL girls, with an “anonymous” tip to the cops, in relations to the supposedly solved Ali’s murder . . . and the NEW suspects have a LOOOOOONG night ahead of them . . .

“Aria, hide me!  I don’t want the police to see my back fat.” 

ANSWERS!  (FINALLY!)

“I’m so glad Spencer is my daughter!  I get so much legal work from you girls!”

At the police station, the PLL girls’ family and friends are coming out to support them, in droves . . .  Abs Toby is there in a snazzy purple button down shirt, that wouldn’t look at all out of place at a disco, circa 1975.  (Apparently, he and Spencer share a fashion sense.)  “I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU, SPENCER!”  He screams out like a loon, as the cops pull his crazy ass away.  (Ahhh  . . . young love!)

In the decidedly LESS young love department, Fitzy has arrived, since, I assume, HE was the one Aria used her “One Phone Call” to contact.  And in an unintentionally hilarious scene, Aria’s mom rushes over to lecture him about SLEEPING WITH SPENCER.

“Hey, it could be worse.  I could be having sex with YOUR daughter!  Oh . . . wait a minute . . . I AM!”

Throughout most of the conversation, Fitzy assumes Judgy Mama Montgomery is talking about HER OWN daughter, Aria (Otherwise, why the hell would she care so much, right?).   So, he’s trying to protect himself, by assuring Mama Montgomery JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES “HER.”  And yet, that just digs Fitzy in EVEN DEEPER, considering that his words only serve to bolster Mama Montgomery’s belief that Fitzy is actually screwing Spencer.  It’s like a “Who’s on First?” Skit, but instead of baseball players, we are talking about underage girls! 😉

Elsewhere, Facelift Vampire Jason (who is conveniently dressed, in BLOOD red, by the way) has an intimate conversation with Papa Hastings, that pretty much confirms what most of us had always assumed . . . that Vamp Man is actually Papa Hastings’ son, and Spencer’s HALF-BROTHER, a Deep Dark Secret about which Mama Hastings is apparently not yet aware because she’s never home long enough to figure these things out.  This, of course, better explains why he’s been making googly eyes with Ali’s mom, hanging out in Vamp Man’s BEDROOM late at night, and manipulating Dead Grandma’s will to make Vamp Man look less guilty . . .

I can see a family resemblance, can’t you? 

Elsewhere in this VERY CROWDED police station, Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna rejoice over / take credit for doing the following things:

(1) being completely nauseating and totally unlikeable individuals who no one would possibly sleep with, except for one another (Abs Toby doesn’t count, because he was raped.)

(1) setting the PLL girls up to get “fingered” for Ali’s murder, this week.

(2) stealing the elusive “Page Five” of Ali’s autopsy report

(3) writing the letter that made Facelift Vampire Jason think that HE killed Ali, when he didn’t

(4) being present at the time of Ali’s murder (and possibly committing it, though that was never explicitly said)

Speaking of Page 5, we finally learn from Deputy Douchey (who was reinstated to the force, thanks to his “remarkable breakthrough” in the Dead Ali case) what was on it: a specific description of the murder weapon used to kill Ali.  And, I bet you will never guess what it was!  I’ll give you a hint, YOU CAN DIG WITH IT!

Personally, I think a shovel is a BORING murder weapon.  I much preferred the Hastings Hockey Stick . . . But that’s just me. 🙂 

It’s GLOVED HAND TIME!  ZZZZZZZZZZ!   YAY! 

Meanwhile, at a rundown coffee shop, a decidedly alive Shrinkypoo angrily takes some blackmail photos from Gloved Hand / “A”, telling her or him that she did exactly what was asked of her, and is now FREE, to be left alone, dammit.  (Note: Since, Shrinkypoo was ALONE, when she first learned of A’s identity, we can assume that she wasn’t in on this the WHOLE TIME.  Rather, it seems more likely that “A” had blackmailed the doctor, AFTER she had already pieced together the clues . . .)

“You couldn’t have found us a nicer place to meet than THIS dump?  I’ve eaten at McDonalds that were classier!  I wear Tory Burch boots, for crying out loud.” 

Anywhoo, after Shrinkypoo storms off in a huff (probably with naked pictures of herself that she didn’t want leaked onto the internet, or something), Gloved Hand “chats” (It never speaks, of course) with a waitress, who offers her coffee and pie, and calls her (or him) “Pretty Eyes.”

The most obvious suspect for Pretty Eyes is Blind Jenna, of course . . . since we already know she HAS THEM . . .

Interestingly enough, I’m pretty sure the actress who plays Blind Jenna, Tammin Sursok, is wearing colored contacts in this scene, which would pretty much cinch her as the culprit.  On the other hand, considering how much Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have already admitted to doing on this show, wouldn’t the reveal of Blind Jenna as “A”, be a bit underwhelming, especially considering that she was OUR VERY FIRST SUSPECT, back in Episode 2?

I guess we will just have to wait until this winter to find out. . .

Until then, feel free to sound off in the comment section about what you thought of the season, in general, and the summer finale, specifically.  Who do you think is “A?”  Who killed Ali?  And most importantly, would you let a sexy stud like Wren hold on to your snot hankie?

I’ll see you in October for the Halloween Special, My Pretties!  You can check out the trailer for it here . . .

Tata, for now!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Summer Finale – We’re Liveblogging It!

ARIA:  “Don’t look now.  But I think someone’s watching us.”

HANNA:  “Well, of course, someone is watching us!  It’s ‘A’.  ‘A’ is always watching us!  Where exactly have you BEEN these past two seasons, Aria?”

ARIA: “Ummm . . .  in Fitzy’s pants?”

HANNA: *rolls eyes*

EMILY: “Uhhh . . . guys . . . I don’t think it’s ‘A,’ this time.  I think it’s those Recapper Girls.   I heard they are doing a liveblog on us.”

SPENCER: “A LIVEBLOG?!  No one does a LIVEBLOG on us, and gets away with it.  They MUST BE STOPPED!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  As you know, tomorrow marks the last episode of PLL, before the show heads into its interminable Fall Hiatus . . .

But don’t worry!  My pal, Sassyfran, over at Random Recaps and I have decided to send this show off, in style, with a LIVEBLOG!

“What the f*&k is a liveblog, and what does it have to do with ME?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, Spencer!  A liveblog is kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about the PLL Mid-Season Finale with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.

Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

 Yeah . . . not that kind of work, Hanna.  I was thinking more along the lines of . . . you know . . . TYPING and stuff!

In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!) . . .

. . . Sassyfran and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.

Of course, if you miss the liveblog, and want to check it out, after the episode airs, you can do that too!

“This is very suspicious.   We are going to have to investigate this.” 

For those of you who have never taken part in a liveblog before, here’s an example of one we did for The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 finale, back in March.

Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.

Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!  (You still like us, anyway . . . don’t you?)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Finale with a couple of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of snarky commentary, wild plot speculation, and Abs Toby . . .

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, August 30th!

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this ABC Family preview for PLL’s Summer Finale episode (which, by the way, is entitled, eerily enough, “Over My Dead Body”) . . .

And here’s a Sneak Peek from the Upcoming Episode.  (Shrinkypoo!  Where are YOU?)

See you tomorrow, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Where There’s a Will, There’s an “A” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “I Must Confess”

SPENCER:   “Nice to be stood up by your OWN therapist . .  .”

HANNA:  “She better not be charging us for this . . .”

EMILY:  “Do you smell something?  I think I smell a dead body.”

HANNA: “That might be me.  I just puked up coconut shrimp, right before I got here.”

EMILY:  “Nope, it’s definitely a corpse-like smell . . .”

ARIA:  “Aww, crap!  Not again!” 

Greetings, my Pretties!   Can you believe there is only one PLL episode left in the summer season?  It seems like only yesterday, that I was contemplating whether Creepy, Then-Only Possibly-Dead, Pedo Zombie Ian was somehow related to that Blueberry-looking chick from the Willy Wonka movies . . .

Good times!

Eleven episodes later, Ian is DEFINITELY dead.  And if the last few minutes of “I Must Confess” are any indication, “A’s” body count may very well be on the rise.  So, take a big hefty swig out of your vodka-spiked water bottle, make an appointment with your therapist, and set a dinner date with your long lost significant other, because it’s time for another PLL recap . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Call Emily the Weakest Link, Anymore . . .

Because I ran all the way to my therapist’s office, and only got slightly sweaty . . .

The episode begins with Emily receiving a pre-dawn text from “A,” and dashing out of her bedroom, in a panic.  Emily remains missing for hours, leaving her new girlfriend roommate, Hanna, and the rest of the PLL girls, to worry over her whereabouts.   We then see Emily running frantically through the woods, and winding up right outside Dr. Anne Sullivan’s office.  She NEEDS to talk . . .

“Geez, Emily.  You ran all the way here?  Would a SHOWER have killed you?  Some of us have to work in this office.”

However, by the time she arrives at the office, the rest of the girls are already there waiting for her.  Apparently, they need to talk too . . .

“Haha!  We beat you!” 

Way to be a loyal friend, Emily!  After some prodding, the girls evenually reveal to Shrinkypoo that “A” has been targetting Emily, specifically, for her weakness.  Apparently, she (or he?)  believes that, of the four girls, Emily is the “toughest nut to crack.” Also, it’s clearly her turn.

As it turns out, the text Emily received that morning relates to Aria.  It shows a picture of her cleaning Fitzy’s teeth with her tongue.  Underneath it is the phase, “Clue Ella [a.k.a. Mama Montgomery] in, and I will let YOU out.”

ARIA:  “Fitzy?  Is that Jackie I taste on your tongue?  Have you been cheating on me?”

FITZY:  “No, I just ate Jackie . . . because, I’m secretly a vampire . . . and because Jackie is LAME.”

ARIA:  “Oh . . . good call.”

Hey guys, remember when “A” pulled this same trick on HANNA a few episodes back, and it actually worked?

“Way to rub it in, Recapper!  That was actually a very dark time in my life.” 

Apparently, someone needs to update their “Unique Ways to Torture PLL Girls’ Handbook . . . and STAT!

One of the best lines of the episode, came when Spencer saw the picture, and wryly noted that, had Aria’s mom ACTUALLY seen it, she probably would have assumed it was “Spencer  . . . slutting it up” rather than her own daughter . . .”

“Hey, I am NOT a slut, Mama Montgomery!  How many sluts do you know that wear My Little Pony sweaters?” 

You can see a slight sense of relief pass over the girls, as they FINALLY tell someone outside their social circle about “A” (though they conveniently leave out most of the juicy stuff . . . you know, like the Jenna Thing . . . and Dead Ian).  No matter, Shrinkypoo seems sufficiently horrified by what she is hearing anyway, and wonders out loud why the girls have waited this long to come forward about what was happening to them . . .

“Ooh, this sh*t is JUICY!  I think I’ll go try and sell the idea to ABC Family, as a television series!  I’ll just have to insist that they get Angelina Jolie to play me.”

The next day at school, Shrinkypoo makes an appearance at school, during which she makes a speech to the student body about the dangers of Cyber Bullying . . .

 

“Yeah A!  That poster is totally on to you!”

While Shrinkypoo is giving her speech, we get a series of reaction shots from the rest of the cast.  The PLL girls look kind of horrified . . .

Blind Jenna looks evil.  (But, then again, she pretty much always looks like that . . .)

Annoying Mona looks like she’s practicing for a time twenty years in the future, when she has to get her first Botox injections, and finds herself no longer capable of forming realistic facial expressions .  . .

“I know you can’t tell from my face.  But I am VERY, VERY upset about this whole Bullying Thing.”

After the assembly, Hanna is FURIOUS with Shrinkypoo!  She feels like the therapist pretty much took her clothes off in public (Then again, this might just be a side effect of her late night phone sex sessions, with Caleb.)

“I just feel so violated!  Now, everybody knows what my Lily looks like!”

Conversely, Emily found Shrinkypoo’s speech empowering.  And she shows her newfound strength when Big Bad Blind Bully Jenna approaches the girls, and makes some snide remark about how Dead Ali was the biggest Cyber Bully of them all . . . “I guess it takes a bully to know one, Jenna.  Now, move your stick.  Other people are trying to pass you!” Emily sneers.

“Yeah, and while you are at it, why don’t you take your little stick and shove it up Police Boy Garrett’s ass!”

“You GO, EMILY!”

Why You Should Never Leave Hanna Alone with Your Wedding Dress . . .

Hanna is trying to play nice with Facelift Kate, after the whole “I Said Crappy Stuff About You on the Loudspeaker at Some Horse Farm, and You Threatened to Turn Me into Glue” thing.  So, she asks Spencer to get her some old smelly horse books to give to Facelift Kate, as a form of apology . . . you know, because Spencer – like most people who own My Little Pony Sweaters – is an expert on smelly horse books.

I don’t know, Hanna . . . if I was trying to make someone forget about an incident that occurred at a HORSE Farm, I would probably start by NOT GIVING THEM BOOKS ABOUT HORSES . . . just a suggestion.

Then, Hanna’s grandma makes a random appearance at school . . .

Apparently, she needs a copy of Hanna’s house keys, and wants Hanna to take her to the bathroom, so that she can “wipe the dew off her lily.”

And if that statement means what I think it means, that’s pretty much the most disgusting request I have ever heard someone make on prime time television, EVER!  (Just a note, boys and girls, if an adult ever asks you to go into the bathroom with them, and “wipe the dew off their lily,” that’s when you RUN AWAY . . .  FAST!  NO JOKE!  I assure you that Granny is fully capable of wiping the dew off her OWN LILY!  And if she isn’t, she should probably be in an assisted living facility, where trained nurses can do it for her.  Just sayin  . . .)

Back at home, Hanna is busy having Phone Sex with Caleb . . .

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 . . . when she gets a call on the other line from her dad.   AWKWARD!  Apparently, Daddy wants her to give a toast to the new happy couple, with Kate, at the engagement party.  (Gee Dad?  Aren’t toasts supposed to be like . . . I don’t know . . . spontaneous, or something?  It kind of defeats the purpose of a toast when you TELL someone they have to say good stuff about you.)  Hanna looks like she’d rather have all her fingernails plucked off than have to give a speech with Kate.  But she agrees to it anyway, because she is trying to be the “good daughter.”

Oddly enough though, Grandma Marin, of the Dewy Lily Club, is TOTALLY NOT COOL with her son’s upcoming nuptials.  In fact, she, more or less compares the upcoming event to cows getting slaughtered . . . (Boy, this woman sure loves her metaphors, doesn’t she?)

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“I’d rather become a Sloppy Joe, than help you get the dew off your lily . . .”

When Hanna’s mom comes home, Grandma Marin tells her that she looks like Condoleeza Rice . . . which, I guess, is supposed to be a compliment . . .

Yeah . . . I don’t really see the resemblance . . . Hillary Clinton, maybe, but not Condy . . .

Granny then tells her ex-daughter in law, that she should pretend that she’s starring in the last five minutes of Every Romantic Comedy Film Ever Written, and stop her son’s wedding.  Mama Marin is NOT amused . . .

“First of all, I look nothing like Condoleeza Rice.   Second of all, stop making my daughter touch your lily!”

At Papa Marin’s Super Snooty Engagement Party, Grandma Dewy Lily is being hilariously rude to her son’s guests, which makes me fall a bit in love with her, despite having kind of a bad first impression.

“Why should I bother learning any of your names?  My son’s to be divorced again in about two months . .  .”

Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to mend fences with the super slimy Facelift Kate, who’s acting nice on the surface, but is so obviously being fake, that I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Hanna isn’t picking up on it.

“Oh, Hanna!  It is so good to see you!  I would very much like to rip that blonde hair at of your head, lift my leg, and pee on your bloody skull.  I can’t wait to become your SISTER!“

Facelift Kate takes this opportunity to show Hanna her mom’s wedding dress, which, of course, is NOT WHITE.  (That one clearly hasn’t been a virgin in a VERRRRRRRY long time!)

“Believe it or not, this is the same dress my Mom wore when she married my dad . . . It was white back then . . .”

Facelift Kate pulls out her purse, and extracts what she claims are two water bottles filled with vodka.  She offers some “liquid courage” to Hanna as the two plan out their toast.  Hanna seems hesitant at first, but sheer stupidity peer pressure wins out in the end, and she decides to chug-a-lug.

“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your little Lily too!” 

As a viewer, I figured out immediately, that Facelift Kate had manipulated the water bottles to sabotage Hanna.  (I actually thought she was goin to do something way worse, like lip her a Roofie, or something.)  But I could also see how Hanna — given her insecurities regarding her newfound popularity and her relationship with her dad — might put her misgivings aside, and go along with this Rich B*tch, in hopes of being accepted by her, and “fitting in” to this new family.  Seeing Hanna get gradually more intoxicated, as the evening wore on, was pretty darn funny . . . and yet, kind of sad too, since we all knew this wasn’t going to end well . . .

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When Facelift Kate conveniently steps outside for a bit, Hanna starts drunkenly dancing around with her stepmonster’s dress, gets dizzy, and TOTALLY YAKS all over the darn thing!

Before . . . 

After . . . 

The evil wench, of course, sees the whole thing go, down, smirks triumphantly, and heads off to give the toast by herself.

After the party, Papa Marin goes into the ladies’ room (What the heck is with this family following eachother into bathrooms?!)  He’s FURIOUS with his daughter for getting wasted, and bailing on the toast.  Hanna argues that Facelift Kate was drinking too, but Papa said SHE was poised and mature during the toast, unlike his Alchy of a DAUGHTER!

Grandma Awesome sticks up for Hanna, insisting that Papa should take it easy on her.  After all, it’s not like she PUKED ON THE BRIDE, which is what Grandma would have done!  When Facelift Kate returns, Grandma TOTALLY has her number, yanks her purse away from her, and extracts the two water bottles.

“Mmm!  Smells like breakfast!” 

Of course, the one Kate was drinking was plain water, whereas Hanna’s was PURE VODKA.

Granny gives a miserable, and sure to be VERY hungover tomorrow morning Hanna a hug, and takes her favorite granddaughter home to sleep it off . . .   Ooh!  I HATE FACELIFT KATE!  I can’t wait to see what Hanna has planned for her revenge!  It better be something GOOD!

Why You Should Never Discount Your Ex-Girlfriends . . . Even While they are in De-Gaying Camp . . .

“This is what I’m going to use to smack Granny for rearranging my cabinets, without permission.”

While Hanna is busy changing her stepmonster’s wedding dress from gawdy gold to puke brown (with coconut shrimp chunks), Emily is at home with Mama Marin having a heart-to-heart.  (Isn’t it weird / sort of sad that Emily’s relationship with Hanna’s mom seems way more affectionate and honest than her relationship with her own?)  Emily asks Mama Marin if she is upset about being home, while her former husband marries a Rich B*tch with an Evil Spawn of a Daughter . . .  Mama Marin admits that it’s hard, but that she’s doing her best to get by.  (I’m sure it helps to Mama Marin to know that Granny is going to make that Evil Wench’s life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!)

Then Mama’s maternal instincts kick in, and she asks Emily what’s going on between her and Samara.

“Well, actually, I think she left the show to play a supernatural creature on The Vampire Diaries, like all my ex-girlfriends eventually do.”

When Emily explains that there are still a lot of unanswered questions in her relationship with Samara, Mama Marin notes that, when you have unanswered questions in a relationship, it’s best to . . . you know . . . ASK THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT THEM.  (Duh!)  Shortly thereafter, we see Emily waiting at a restaurant for somebody.

And we THINK it’s going to be Samara . . .

“Nope!  Guess again!” 

So, you can imagine our surprise (Well, at least those of us who hadn’t read the spoilers were surprised!)  when the person who sits down at the other end of the table is . . . wait for it . . . MAYA!

Looking good, Maya!  De-gaying camp, has done wonders for your complexion! 

That’s right, boys and girls!  Fresh from De-Gaying Camp, Emily’s first girlfriend has clawed her way out of the PLL Vortex for Lost Significant Others, and right back into Emily’s heart.  I have to say, it was cute, how well these two seemed to relate to one another.  And, considering how EFFED up, sexually confused, and emotionally abused by her mom Emily was, when she FIRST started dating Maya, it was great to see our Emily looking all happy, horny and evolved, this time around.

If you know me, you know I wasn’t Maya’s biggest fan, the first time around.  However, she definitely won me over with her little jab at Emily’s ex-girlfriend “Little Orphan Bitchy.”

BOO!  Hiss! 

“She shoved your head underwater, and you STILL DATED HER!  Man, I didn’t come back a moment too soon!”  (Truer words were never spoken, Maya.)

Foreplay?

And then, Emily and Girlfriend #1 lived Happily Ever After . . . (at least until next week, when “A” will probably try to decapitate Emily and blame on Maya, or something else awful like that . . . No relationship is sacred on this show . . .)

Speaking of relationships, “A” has yet to ruin . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Eyes Closed, While Making Out with Abs Toby . . .

There’s this totally random scene, at the beginning of the episode, in which a Grossed Out Abs Toby spies his adopted sis, Blind Jenna, lining up discarded fruit rinds on the dashboard of Policeboy Garrett’s car.

I love Toby’s disturbed facial expression, here . . . 

But Police Boy Garrett’s is EVEN FUNNIER! 

Oddly enough, Policeboy Garrett doesn’t seem to mind to mind that much, and starts sucking Blind Jenna’s face right in front of poor Abs Toby, who’s probably WISHING he was blind, right about now . . .

“AHHHH!  MY EYES!” 

Later, we have this sadly prophetic scene, in which Spencer makes out with Abs Toby in his pickup truck, on the way to school, and tells him that they have to be careful, or “A” will try and break them up.  Abs Toby promises her that this will never happen, which makes us feel pretty certain that it WILL . . .

Enjoy it while it lasts, Spoby!  Because something tells me you are in for a World of “A” Pain!

That night, we get a MUCH HOTTER Spoby Makeout session, which features Abs Toby’s half unbuttoned shirt.  (TAKE IT OFF, TOBY!  TAKE IT ALL OFF!)

Talk about a buzz kill.  Things are just about to move to a TV-MA rating, when Abs Toby notices two figures involved in an intense discussion upstairs in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom.  He tells Spencer what he saw.  And Spencer wonders why Abs Toby had his eyes open, while they were making out.

This, of course, made me think of that Bruno Mars’ song, “Grenade.”  (“I should have known you were trouble from your first kiss.  You had your eyes wide open.  Why were they open?“)  So, then I started singing to myself.  Annnnnd .  . . I pretty much missed the rest of the scene.  OOPS!  (Damn you, Bruno Mars!)  I’ll try my best to tell you what happened, anyway.

Now that Spencer knows that Abs Toby is watching her kiss him, she’s probably feeling pretty uncomfortable.  I mean, what does she look like, when she’s kissing?   Does she make a weird face?  Is her mouth doing something weird?  It’s got to be pretty disconcerting to know something like this.

So, of course, NOW SHE’S KISSING WITH HER EYES WIDE OPEN (Why were they open?  I gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddd . . .  SEE, what you did to me, Abs Toby?)

While open-eyed macking, Spencer sees the same thing that Abs Toby saw.  And now she’s thoroughly freaked out.  So, she rushes from the car, as a half-naked Abs Toby chases after her.  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

NO TOBY!  Take the shirt OFF!  Trust me, you will run MUCH faster . . . 😉 

But it gets worse.  The person Facelift Vampire Jason was talking to ends up being . . . wait for it . . . HER DAD!

Cue SPENCER FACE!

A fairly intense scene follows, in which Spencer tries to get her dad to explain what the f*&k he’s doing hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, and her dad totally blows her off!  Then, Abs Toby gets in the mix, risking his job, and his relationship with his potential future father-in-law, by demanding that Daddy Dearest answer Spencer’s questions.

Daddy is FURIOUS, that his daughter’s boyfriend would have the AUDACITY to confront him in this way.  (Personally, I thought it was kind of hot!)  He wants Spencer to come home with him IMMEDIATELY, but she refuses.  And her and Abs Toby speed away in their car, as Daddy Dearest chases after it . . . like a dumb dog, who’s just gotten off his leash . . .

“Oh, go pee on a hydrant, Dad!  I have more open-eyed face-sucking to do!” 

When Spencer arrives home that night, Daddy Dearest reluctantly admits that Ali and Facelift Jason’s grandmother had changed her will right before she died, and TOTALLY cut Facelift Jason out, leaving everything to Ali.  Then, after BOTH Ali and granny died, the Dilaurentis’ hired Daddy Dearest to alter the date on the will, and it’s contents, so that it didn’t appear to give Jason a motive for killing Ali.  (Annnnd, now we know where Jason got all his money from!)

Mind control, of course! 

In a flashback, we see Alison suggest that Jason may have sold a family heirloom to buy drugs, and that she may have gone to visit her grandmother before she died to tell her this, so that she would change her will.

“I’m going to take ALL YOUR MONEY!  Suck on THAT, Facelift Vampire Jason!” 

Spencer then, puts two and two together, recalling that Alison (and possibly Ian?) went away to Georgia, shortly before her death, to visit her grandmother.  And this was, possibly, when she got the will changed.   Given all this, now Spencer REALLY thinks Facelift Vampire Jason killed Ali  . . . both, for the money, and to get back at her for trying to have him cut out of the will.

Daddy Dearest warns Spencer not to pursue such theories, which brings Spencer to a more dangerous question.  “What does the Dilaurentis Family have on US, that you were willing to break the law to help them?”

“I’ve been a bad, bad boy . . .” 

“You are SOOOO busted!” 

Daddy Dearest didn’t exactly have an answer for that one, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s porking (or at least used to pork Ali and Jason’s mom) . . .  We’ll see if I’m right . . .

Why You Should Never Touch Psycho Mike’s Computer . . .

“Stop trying to steal my internet porn, MOM!” 

Ma and Pa Montgomery are fighting about Psycho Mike.  Pa Montgomery wants him on anti-depressants, since he thinks his emotional condition is the same genetic one that afflicted his brother.  Ma Montgomery doesn’t think drugs are necessarily the answer.  She wants Psycho Mike to try talking to a therapist first, to see what specifically is causing Mike to behave this way.

Honestly, I can usually care less about Aria’s parents, but their discussion was an interesting one, this week.  After all, both Ma and Pa have a point.  On one hand, there shouldn’t be any stigma against taking medication for clinical depression.  And, in this case, Mike has both a family history of the disease, and is showing all the classic signs.  On the other hand, knowing this show, Mike’s sudden depression is almost certainly situational, and almost definitely has something to do with “A.”  So, talking, more than drugs, is probably the answer here . . .

“Hey Psycho Mike?  Why don’t you take a break from Cyber Sex, and come down for dinner, K?” 

Anywhoo . . . Aria enters Mike’s room to find him once again tapping away at his computer (which seems somehow linked to whatever it is that causing him to act out).  She tells Mike to come down for dinner, and when he refuses, Mama Montgomery comes in, and tries to take his computer away.  BAD MOVE!  Psycho Mike FREAKS OUT, and wrenches it from her fingers, causing her to fall back into one of his chests of drawers, and seriously hurt her wrist.

It’s a heartbreaking scene, as a horrified Psycho Mike, upon realizing that he just basically beat up his own mother, dashes into the bathroom, while Ma Montgomery chokes back tears.

I have to say, Holly Marie Combs was remarkable in this scene.  As a typically strong mother type, it was fascinating to see Ma Montgomery looking unusually timid and fragile, this week. I honestly had tears in my eyes, when she frantically made Aria promise not to tell her father what Mike did.  Ma Montgomery seems afraid of what her husband would do to Psycho Mike, if he found out.   She also seems just the slightest bit afraid of her own son . . .

This storyline made me teary AGAIN, when Aria came back into Psycho Mike’s room, and sat on the edge of his bed, next to him.  “Is mom going to be all right?”  He asked his sister nervously, acting the part of the innocent younger brother, once again.

“Yes,” replied Aria.

“Am I going to be?”  He asked worriedly.

“Yes,” exclaimed Aria, pulling her little brother in for a tight hug.

Source

(All together now: AWWWWWWW!)

Toward the end of the episode, Aria, tired of all the secrets her family has been keeping from one another, finally confronts her parents about Psycho Mike’s stealing.

And when Mike, himself, comes down to the living room to be with his family, we all feel a bit of hope, that things might finally start to become a bit less angsty in the Montgomery home.

 *sniffle, sniffle*  “I just keep having all of these FEELINGS!”

(Or, at least, we can FINALLY figure out what the f*&k has been going on with Psycho Mike!)

Why You Should Always Check Your Bobble Head Dolls for Bugs . . .

Dr. Freud is ALWAYS listening . . . 

The night after her morning meeting with the PLL girls, and her triumphany BULLIES ARE BAD speech, Shrinkypoo is walking the streets of Rosewood by herself late at night (never a good idea, by the way), when she gets a strange cell phone call.  The call is basically a taperecording on repeated playback of Shrinkypoo talking to the girls, during their private therapy session.

“Hi, Shrinkypoo!  I’m calling to confirm the appointment I have with you later tonight.  My name is ‘DEATH’.” 

Having already had her office broken into once before, an understandably terrified Shrinkypoo calls the Lame-o Rosewood cops to search for bugs in her office.  These police academy rejects find no such bugs, but that’s clearly because they aren’t really looking all that hard.  Not surprisingly, Policeboy Garrett is there.

“Gee Shrinkypoo, I’m really sorry that you have a potentially murderous stalker watching your every move.  But I need to get back to making out with my underage girlfriend . . .  Catch ya later . . . unless, you are already dead by then.”

Oddly enough, all Policeboy seems interested in are the names of the patients that were in Shrinkypoo’s session during the supposed bugging, so that he can find them, chop them into tiny pieces, and feed them to Blind Jenna.  Shrinkypoo is fortunately smart enough not to give the Shady Police Boy this confidential information.  And he leaves in a huff . . .

Later, while thumbing through her files, Shrinkypoo comes upon one file in particular belonging to a patient, the same age as the PLL girls.  Upon studying the file, Shrinkypoo notes some shocking similarities between the patient and this “A” the girls are describing.

So, she calls Emily and tells her to gather the girls and meet her at the office ASAP.   “I know who A is,” Shrinkypoo says, though OF COURSE, she conveniently doesn’t give this information out over the phone.  Because that would be too easy, right?

By the way, remember that time when HANNA texted the PLL girls to tell them that SHE knew who “A” was?  Remember what happened to her, back then?

Ahhhh, memories . . . 

So, the girls’, of course, rush to Shrinkypoo’s office, eager to learn the true identity of “A.”  But when they get there . . . SURPRISE!  She’s not there!  In fact, she might be DEAD!

At least that’s what THIS text message, which the girls get, shortly after arriving in the office, seems to suggest . . .

OH NO!  How are the girls ever going to learn “A’s” identity now!  THE HORROR!

In the final scene, we see gloved hand trashing the incriminating therapy file, and removing a not-particularly-well hidden bug from the bottom of a Sigmund Freud bobble head  (See, Police Boy Garrett!  Dead Shrinkypoo was RIGHT!  It wasn’t IN THE WALL!) . . .

Damn you, “A”!   Damn YOU!

If you thought this week’s PLL was intense, wait until you check out next week’s trailer!  Be prepared for ugly dolls, more cryptic “A” messages, and a weird Ali dream sequence, among other things . . .

You know what else is going to be INTENSE about next week’s summer finale?  My blogger pal, France and I will be LIVEBLOGGING IT!

Yes, Hanna, we love it too!  Be sure to check back later this week, when I will have exclusive details on how YOU can take part of this spectacular event!

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]