PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode! Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!”
ERIC: “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”
BILL: “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”
Greetings Fangbangers! We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky. And if this week’s installment was any indication, our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG . . .
. . . a whimper . . .
. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .
But that’s NEXT WEEK. In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us . . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken. So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . . . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .
(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)
Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)
You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk. Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army? (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)
When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS! Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip! As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”
Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.
“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.”
After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like
screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.
King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do. And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all.
But they will let her blow them later. Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?
Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica. He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him. I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.
“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!”
Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .
Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends
Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . .
Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home. Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.” Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin. Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious. It is up to you to know the difference . . .
Hotel California? Seriously? How OLD are YOU?
Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave. (How kind of her!) She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .
But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly. “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences . . .
“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!”
In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.
“Oof! I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”
“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers . . .
Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games! She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT! Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome . . .
But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!
He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse. This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body. And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.
While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.
They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass
(and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.
Yes, Caroline. I thought that was funny too!
Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate. But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to
beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .
Meanwhile, over in
Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .
Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .
Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?
Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .
Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light! It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .
“I’m my own night light!”
As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is
Moron Maurella. She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .
Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.” (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?) Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story. Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V. But hey, what does she know. This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!
Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . . (Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))
secondary storyline news . . .
Bye Bye, Greasypoo!
“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”
Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances. (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)
I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating.
Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .
“Hey! For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own. I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.”
As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together. Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird. I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them? A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!
Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .
“You think I’m funny? Do I amuse you?”
He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death. I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces . . .
Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.
Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment. And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN. GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID! Now that’s just CRAZY!
Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house. And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside. And that’s when the
Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .
At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form. Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy! And he’s got vengeance on his side. The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!). “Live with that,” taunts Sam. Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift. He also picks up a gun. This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .
“Grrrr . . . Me . . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.”
Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo. Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends. But Alcide isn’t hearing it. He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.” It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t. It’s a BIG DEAL. When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity. Talk about getting closure in a breakup!
“No wait! I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS! Take it back! Take it back!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this: “I will see you no longer. I will share flesh with you no longer.”
“Haha! He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX! (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)”
Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is. We didn’t get to hear his response. I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.” Don’t worry Emma! At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!
Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie? Weird . . .
Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo
. . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)
Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful. The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly. And the female gets
gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly. And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is. Friggin ZOMBIE!
We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo. Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement. Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .
“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”
Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.” Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.
Seriously? That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard. I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all. But COME ON! I mean, who would run Fangtasia? Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock? Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo? Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?
Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal. “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly. (Wait? Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires? Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)
Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .
. . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED. Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .
No offense, Dawson Leery . . .
. . . or Will Schuester!
So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was
giving Sookie pleasure about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.
And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being . . .
I said ALMOST . . .
Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger. I mean, we all KNEW
unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric. So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.
That someone is Pam. She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie. (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)
“Thar she blows!”
After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside. I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .
Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .
Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did. After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right? Protect her Maker? And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .
And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment. What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all? As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire. So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie? Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable. King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.
“Come back, King Cockblock! Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”
However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan. Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!
Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt. “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.
And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug. All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”
Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON! He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .
Man! You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT! Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . . Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time. And he heals. And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again. “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you
naked,” admits Jason. That’s funny! Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”
You know what all this means, don’t you? MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS!
Can I get a HELL YEAH!
Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?
Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD! (Which old witch? The WICKED WITCH) Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!
You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . . . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day? Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror (Obviously! Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!) So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!
SERIOUSLY! And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die. So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her. They do. And outside, this starts to happen . . .
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . .
Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right? Oh wait . . . I DID!
Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS :) . . . and Bill . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!
“What am I? Chopped liver? I want to be rescued too!”
Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.
Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT! She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire.
(She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire. She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre. Dammit! Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))
Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).
“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”
“Lala? Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”
“Hey Jesus! You have a little something on your face . . .”
Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie. I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask. It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).
Never . . . gets . . . old. (For me, anyway!)
In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent. Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first. So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart . . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)
In a word . . . AWESOME!
Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually. I mean, one bullet . . . done. And then everybody just went home . . .
Actually, it’s not. Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat. Then, they both go to sleep. And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head. And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?
I don’t know. Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY? Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.
Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . . Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!
Remember, Fangbangers! It’s the season finale! So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will). See you then!