Eat Your Heart Out, Eric Northman! (Or someone else’s . . . your choice) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Soul of Fire”

PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode!  Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!” 

ERIC:  “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”

BILL:  “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”

Greetings Fangbangers!  We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky.  And if this week’s installment was any indication,  our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG .  . .

. . .  a whimper . . .

. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .

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But that’s NEXT WEEK.  In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us .  . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave .  . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken.    So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . .  . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .

(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)

Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)

You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk.  Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army?  (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)

When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS!  Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip!  As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”

Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.

“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.” 

After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.

King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do.  And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all.  But they will let her blow them later.    Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?

Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica.  He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him.  I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.

“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!” 

Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .

 Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends

Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . . 

Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home.  Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.”  Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin.  Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious.  It is up to you to know the difference . . .

Hotel California?  Seriously?  How OLD are YOU? 

Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave.  (How kind of her!)  She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .

But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly.  “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences .  . .

“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!” 

In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.

“Oof!  I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”

“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers  .  . .

Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games!  She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT!  Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome .  .  .

But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!

He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse.  This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body.  And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.


“I’m baaaaaaaack!”

While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.

They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass (and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.

Yes, Caroline.  I thought that was funny too! 

Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate.  But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .

 Meanwhile, over in Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense  the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .

Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .

Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?

Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .

Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light!  It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .

“I’m my own night light!” 

As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is Moron  Maurella.  She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .

Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.”  (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?)  Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story.  Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V.   But hey, what does she know.  This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!

Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . .  (Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))

In other secondary storyline news . . .

Bye Bye, Greasypoo!

“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”

Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances.  (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating. 

Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .

“Hey!  For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own.  I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.” 

As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together.  Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird.  I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them?  A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!

Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .

“You think I’m funny?  Do I amuse you?” 

He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death.  I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces .  . .

Ahhh, memories! 

Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.

Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment.  And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN.  GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID!  Now that’s just CRAZY!

Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house.  And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside.  And that’s when the Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .

At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form.  Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy!  And he’s got vengeance on his side.  The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!).  “Live with that,” taunts Sam.  Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift.  He also picks up a gun.  This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .

“Grrrr . . . Me .  . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.” 

Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo.  Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends.  But Alcide isn’t hearing it.  He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.”  It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t.  It’s a BIG DEAL.  When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity.  Talk about getting closure in a breakup!

“No wait!  I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS!  Take it back!  Take it back!” 

Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this:  “I will see you no longer.  I will share flesh with you no longer.”

“Haha!  He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX!  (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)” 

Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is.  We didn’t get to hear his response.  I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.”  Don’t worry Emma!  At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!

Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie?  Weird . . . 

Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo . . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)

Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful.  The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly.  And the female gets gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly.  And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is.  Friggin ZOMBIE!

We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo.  Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement.  Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .

“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”

Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.”  Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.

Seriously?  That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard.  I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all.  But COME ON!  I mean, who would run Fangtasia?  Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock?  Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo?  Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?

Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal.  “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly.  (Wait?  Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires?  Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)

Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .

 . . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED.   Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .

No offense, Dawson Leery . . .

 . . . or Will Schuester!

So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was giving Sookie pleasure  about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.

And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being  . . .

*sigh*

I said ALMOST . . .

Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger.  I mean, we all KNEW unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric.  So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.

That someone is Pam.  She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie.  (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)

“Thar she blows!” 

After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside.  I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .

Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .

Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did.  After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right?  Protect her Maker?  And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .

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And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment.  What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all?  As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire.  So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie?  Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable.  King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.

“Come back, King Cockblock!  Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”

However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan.  Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!

Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt.  “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.

And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug.  All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”

Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON!  He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .

Man!  You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT!  Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . .  Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time.  And he heals.  And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again.  “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you naked,” admits Jason.  That’s funny!  Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”

You know what all this means, don’t you?  MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS!  :)

Can I get a HELL YEAH!

Sorry Hoyt!

 Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?

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Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD!  (Which old witch?  The WICKED WITCH)  Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!

You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . .  . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day?  Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror  (Obviously!  Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!)  So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!

SERIOUSLY!  And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die.  So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her.  They do.   And outside, this starts to happen .  . .

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . . 

Watch the VIDEO!  It’s HILARIOUS!  I just wish I could embed it here . . .

Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right?  Oh wait .  . . I DID!

Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS :) . . . and Bill :( . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!

“What am I?  Chopped liver?  I want to be rescued too!” 

Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.

Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT!  She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire.  (She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire.  She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre.  Dammit!  Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))

Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).

“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”

“Lala?  Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”

“Hey Jesus!  You have a little something on your face . . .”

Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie.  I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask.  It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).

Never . . . gets .  . . old.  (For me, anyway!) 

In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent.  Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first.  So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart .  . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)

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In a word . . . AWESOME!

Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually.  I mean, one bullet . . . done.  And then everybody just went home . .  .

That’s IT? 

Actually, it’s not.  Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat.  Then, they both go to sleep.  And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head.  And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?

I don’t know.  Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY?  Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.

Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . .  Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!

Remember, Fangbangers!  It’s the season finale!  So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will).  See you then!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

14 Comments

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14 responses to “Eat Your Heart Out, Eric Northman! (Or someone else’s . . . your choice) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Soul of Fire”

  1. East Coast Captain

    First of all great episode but…

    The Vampires really shined this episode, hopefully they get back to being vampire centric next season instead of more supernaturals but I heard there doing demons next season.

    Those vamps and their progeny although I hated how Eric treated Pam must be amnesiac Eric shining through. But Bill and Jess awww….she really loves her daddy. King cockblock and the Viking make a good team its a shame their frenemies.

    Marnie isn´t gone? Shit…looks like there going have to double duty.

    And Andy getting some from a Fairy lucky bastard…

    • Hey East Coast Captain! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

      I was happy to see Andy get laid too. But I don’t know if I’d call him lucky just yet. Remember, in the season premiere, we learned that the fairies needed to “harvest” human bodies, in order to stay young and beautiful. I could be wrong, but that sure seemed like a “harvest” to me. ;)

      Hmmm . . . interesting speculation about Season 5 being about demons. I DO recall some demons from the True Blood books. But, in terms of book 5, without giving anything away, I actually recall it being more werewolf, shifter, and fairy centric, respectively.

      Of course, True Blood has changed things up before, so perhaps you are correct. :)

      I was kind of annoyed by Witchipoo possessing Lafayette, after thinking we were finally rid of her, for good. But, I guess it will make things a bit less anti-climactic than having the main villain of Season 4 die from just a single gunshot wound to the head. (It wasn’t even a cool gory bloody wound . . . It looked more like a shot from a pellet gun!)

      By the way, you’ll be excited to hear this . . . rumor has it Russell will make a return in the Season finale. You didn’t hear it from me. ;)

  2. LG

    Great blog post. My complaints about this episode: vamps doing cheesy Star Trek Classic dance moves; Eric and Bill not telling Sookie they love her before they get ready for their murder-suicide pact, and Sookie barely protesting; Eric and Bill leaving after the shooting of Marnie without rushing right up to Sookie, or she to them. And what were they talking about? My guess is, Bill: You can have her Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I’ll take Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. On Sunday we’ll let her rest.

    But Eric sucking the juice out of Roy’s still-beating heart — one of the great moments of the entire series.

    • Hey there, LG! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. Your points about what was lacking in this episode are SO right on! You know, aside from her use of the “glow fingers,” Sookie was kind of a quivering bowl of jelly, the entire hour. I can’t imagine the spunky, loud, and brash Sookie we’ve seen in previous seasons let two men (vamps) DIE (again?) FOR HER without screaming her lungs out at them for being so ridiculous. Especially since this seemed more like a pissing context between Eric and Bill than anything else. (“I LOVE HER MORE!” “NO, I LOVE HER MORE!” “WE’LL SEE WHO LOVES HER MORE AFTER WE’RE DEAD . . . OH . . . WAIT . . . NEVERMIND.”)

      I also agree that, since they were clearly going for the cheese factor in that scene, anyway, we could have at least had Bill and Eric monologue about how much they love Sookie. Then, after it was all over, she could screw the vampire who made the better speech. It would be like class presidency for vampires . . . only with sex! :)

      I wonder if we are going to get any resolution on this love triangle, next week. Though my guess is, “probably not.” Our vampire / waitress gang is going to be WAY too busy, getting Lafayette to puke up Marnie to have to deal with “petty insignificant” things like Vampire Lovin’. Then again, this IS True Blood, so you never know! ;)

      Thanks again for your awesome comment! :)

  3. Ali

    Hey Jules!

    This week I read the recap first and then watch the episode… And it was just brilliant… I kinda knew what to expect and it made it more awesome… I don´t know if it makes sense… I guess I´m a spoiler-lover guy.

    I agree with LG about the flaws of the episode, but there are several things I really enjoyed this ep:
    1. The death of the “poo” clan: Witchi + Greasy… Although Witchi is so stubborn she refuses to leave (or Aunt Petunia´s contract is juicier than Greasypoo´s).
    2. Every single thing “Jassica” said… Pure gold
    3. Trailer Trash Debbie getting dumped.. You go Alcide!
    4. Pam´s comment about Vintage Cartier…Hahaha… That Pam!
    5. Andy getting laid..Wait, that one I don´t care

    And, besides LG´s comments I also think other things bothered me:
    1. No sex…. Really? you guys! this is TB, not TW
    2. It would be nice to have Beeeel telling Jess “you did not see any wooden bullets, did you?” when she told him not to do that again (the suicide thing, that is). That way we could have known He and Eric had it all figured out. Other way it just looked moronic besides cheesy.
    3. Sookie doing nothing. I know LG already said so but it´s worth repeating.
    4. Eric and Beeeel going for a couple of beers after the whole mess leaving Sookie there like whaaaaat?

    As for the love triangle … I don´t know if I´m right, but maybe next season will become a love square… Weretigers anyone? Just saying (Whatever you do, AB, plaweeeease don´t bring werepanters back… I just f**ng hate them)

    Well, we´ll have to wait for next week. Darn, season finale! what now? :( oh yeahh TVD and Glee are about to start…. I guess we will keep in touch with our fav recapper :D

    • LOL, well technically, there WAS sex in this episode. It just involved two people we weren’t necessarily wanting to see naked: Andy Bellefleur and the Fairy Moron-a. (I’m already testing out new nicknames for that chicky, for next season. What do you think? Then again, I could always continue the trend and call her Fairypoo or Sluttypoo.)

      Which reminds me, I love that you picked up on the fact that both POO characters died this week. This is actually going a long way toward convincing me that Fairy Moron-a should, in fact, become a POO, so that we can get rid of her faster. And while we are on the subject of characters I’d like to see axed: Tarapoo, anyone? ;)

      Hmmm . . . I do think we might see Quinn the Weretiger, this season. If so, I REALLY want him played by THIS GUY (I absolutely ADORED him in Game of Thrones. And I think his look and entire persona are perfect for the role):

      http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0597388/

      But something tells me that Alcide will be making a play for Sookie’s heart TOO, next season. And I’m wondering if FOUR suitors at once will be stretching the realm of believability a bit. (Haha . . . I just talked about “believability,” regarding a show featuring 1,000 year old Viking Vampires, skinwalkers, glow fingered fairies that want to f*&k Andy Bellefleur, and witches that FLY IN YOUR MOUTH!) I mean, Anna Paquin is cute and all . . . but she’s not THAT cute. (Plus, she has a really Ugly Cry Face. ;))

      I guess we will just have to wait and see! :) Thanks again for your always brilliant and super amusing commentary, Ali. If you DIDN”T watch Glee and TVD right along with me, it would most certainly be a very bleak fall season. :)

      • Ali

        Awww you are the sweetest.

        First of all… Sluttypoo is the best nickname for the chicky hands down.

        Tarapoo….. I´m in that ship for sho. And I kinda agree with you with the guy who played Kahl Drogo in GOT. He would be a heck of a weretiger…Although you are right about Sookie having 4 guys orbiting her is a little bit over the edge. She´s hot, but unless they reveal next season that every WERE of SHIFTER has to go bananas for her blood and smell I won´t buy it that she has every man in town following her.

        See you next week blu-eyed cuteness

  4. Ali

    Oh… and I am sorry for breaking this one to you… But you forgot the zoolander gift :( It was truly missed

  5. serendipity

    Hi Julie! I saw the episode yesterday, and now read your great recap! Is it me, or did you sneak in more gifs of Damon, Kat and co than usual? Don’t get me wrong, I definitely LOVE them (obviously) :D

    But damn, Julie, now I’ll have to go look at that episode again to see that butt wiggle of Bill’s ;) I didn’t notice, as I was too busy ogling someone else’s assets covered in all in black ;) What is it with men in black anyway (and I’m definitely not talking about the movie)?

    Sookie’s wardrobe was substantially approved this week though with her shedding the silly eighties sweater and changing it for jeans! Lo and behold, Sookie in jeans! Never thought I’d see the day! She always wears those skimpy dresses as befits a real southern belle… so she must really have meant business, to be wearing something you can actually kick ass in ;) (and looking at that picture you included, that goes for the entire witches’ circle – but I suppose you don’t want to flash your panties every time you need to sit down in a circle and act as Marnie’s/Antonia’s metaphysical muscle, do you?

    What I found somewhat strange, is that Marnie hardly has any real power without Antonia’s back-up, but she apparently can muster enough of it to bind the Spanish witch? WTH? And how did her Zombie pet vampires succeed in getting to the other side of the force field without being fried creepy critters? Maybe she did a Star Trek kind of teleportation spell (although if I remember correctly, they also had to lower their shields for that to happen – don’t mind my random scattered thoughts, Sorry)

    Does the murder of the mad dog (aka greasypoo, aka Marcus?) mean that Alcide will become head of the pack? That would be in keeping with the books anyway, as is the abjuring of Debbie by Alcide. Now how Debbie is going to tie that to Sookie (if she is), is unclear to me, since Alcide can rightly blame her for getting it on with Greasypoo. Just shoot the rabid dog already, someone!

    I was very annoyed at the willingness of both Bill (yes even him) and Eric (very much him) to sacrifice themselves at Sookie’s shrine. Honestly. Do you have to live such a long time for that? Besides which, you bring up a good point. Why would they be bringing wooden bullets to off a bunch of witches? So maybe Bill’s suggestion was just a ruse, just like you said? They get shot, they bleed a little, Witchiepoo lifts the force field and they go in, all guns blazing? But the teary-eyes of Pam and Jessica suggest otherwise… Even if Jessica might not be, Pam is old enough to know what’s what. So the fact that she takes action, going against her maker’s wishes indicates that she truly believes they will die, no?

    And what is it with witches (I refer to Witchiepoo and to a certain Greta) and their burning rings of fire? Speaking of lame song references ;) And I had that song in my head as soon as I saw that scene, dammit! They must all have been listening to too much Johnny Cash ;)

    And the promo… Looks like Halloween! But Eric in chains doesn’t look promising… Hasn’t my poor Eric been through enough this season? Can’t he end the season in bed with Sookie, even if it is in f*cking Narnia (or better yet, f*cking in Narnia)? It looks like they are definitely going to feed us the beginning of season 5… I honestly hope they’re not going to go weretiger in that, because I never liked Quinn in the books! Maybe Alcide will indeed make a play for Sookie, now that trailer trash Debbie is out of sight (even if it’s not literally – yet). Let the ‘everyone-loves-sookie’ games begin… That was something that always annoyed me a little in the books, that every supe she ever met, wanted to get into her panties… although that is explained by the fairy blood, apparently making her some sort of honeypot for supes…. Well, I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

    But no tears after the last episode of TB, because we can then (finally) start on a new season of Vampire Diaries! Yay :D Speaking of, I’m still going to comment on your awesome analysis of our favorite brothers… I promise! Sorry for taking so long on everything, but my holiday seems to have left me with one hell of a backlog and it’s a work in progress to get everything done as soon as possible. But rest assured that I will ;) !

    • Hey serendipity! LOL *blushes* You got me! I guess between finishing up my Ripper Redux series, trying to pound out a Vampire Katherine post I’ve been working on, AND the new promo coming out, I’ve had TVD on the brain quite a bit this past week. And I suspect it shows in my recap GIF selection. It’s amazing how perceptive readers like you are to notice these things. I remember, a few weeks back, when I only had ONE TVD gif in the entire TB recap, and someone (waves at Linn ;), noticed THAT too.

      Haha, I love your point about Sookie FINALLY wearing some normal, present day, clothing, this week. And you’re right, I wouldn’t wear a skirt to Hogwarts for Psychos, either. First of all, that floor they are always sitting on, always looks filthy! Who knows what kind of weird spell remnants, bed bugs, and dead bird remains are lying down there! Plus, I wouldn’t trust that ROY guy for a second, not to peek, or “accidentally” cop a feel, even back when he still HAD a heart!

      You also make a good point about Marnie (As you know, I prefer the term Witchipoo. But I’ll use Marnie here for ease of explanation), and her ability to bind an unwilling Antonia to her body, despite being pretty useless otherwise, in the spell-making department. Here’s my theory on that. In MOST cases, Marnie and Antonia actually NEED one another to be powerful, which is why Jesus keeps trying to separate them. Though Antonia is obviously a very strong and powerful witch with magical gifts, and an arsenal of complex spells at her ready, she NEEDS a corporeal body to make them work. That’s where Marnie came in, at least initially. As for Marnie, she is a LAME ASS witch, who can’t really do anything without her coven. Even her BIG claim to fame of reawakening the bird, required her to be temporary possessed by Antonia, and for fellow spirit sucker Lafayette to take part in the spell, in order for it to be a limited success.

      And yet, like Lafayette, one “power” Marnie has (as awful a “skill” as it seems) is that she is a MAGNET for Dead and Restless spirits. She can communicate with them. She attracts them. And they can possess her easily.

      So, when Antonia emerged from Marnie’s body, she actually had to do very little work to bring her back inside. After all, Antonia, now lacking a corporeal body, lacked the power to counteract Marnie’s spell with one of her own. Plus, Marnie’s MAGNET powers draw Antonia into her, even when she doesn’t necessarily want to go.

      A good example of this is Lafayette’s first possessor. Despite seeming to purposefully possess Lafayette’s body, when called on it, she didn’t even seem to understand what she had done. In fact, she was horrified to learn that she had “become” a man. Something just DREW her to Lafayette. And so she went with it. Antonia’s biggest mistake was that she simply bet on the wrong horse. Had she possessed Lafayette, a naturally GOOD human, he probably would have done her bidding, without going as batsh*t crazy as Marnie did, toward the end.

      Does that make any sense?

      As for Alcide, yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Without Greasypoo, that werepack is decidedly without a leader. I just wonder whether Alcide will NATURALLY become packleader, because he killed Marcus. (I sort of hope not, as that would be a HUGE incentive for anyone with designs on leadership in the pack to KILL Alcide), or if he will have to undergo some ritual / competition to become one, as he did in the books. It will be interesting to see how THIS incarnation of Alcide takes to leadership. After all, he seemed staunchly against pack-hood at the beginning, and was only willing to “move up within the pack,” as a way of helping his relationship with Trailer Trash Debbie. And of course, now he doesn’t have to worry about her. :) So, it will be interesting to see whether something in Alcide has changed, as a result of abjuring Trailer Trash and killing Marcus that gives him a true desire to lead.

      Regarding Trailer Trash Debbie, you are right. It will be difficult for her to blame Sookie for THIS, considering that Alcide ONLY abjured her, upon finding her half-naked in bed with Greasypoo.

      POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT (for those who haven’t read the books)

      Here’s how I think her mind will work around that though, and give her murderous intentions toward Sookie. As far as Trailer Trash is concerned (and her relapse into V addiction will only further warp her brain down this path, I suspect), Alcide has been unfaithful to her with Sookie, at least emotionally, but possibly physically as well. When Alcide got into bed with her, and showed us that gorgeous ass of his, I bet Trailer Trash smelled fairy all over him, and assumed the worst. As far as Trailer Trash is concerned, THAT is why she let Greasypoo into her house to begin with, and THAT is why she even considered hooking up with him. So, in Trailer Trash’s wacked out mind, were it NOT for Sookie, she would never have been in the position to be abjured.

      END SPOILER. :)

      Oh, and GREAT TVD comparison between Greta (though maybe the three ring circus was Klaus’ idea in that one . . . he does seem like a guy with a flare for the dramatic) and Witchipoo (I’m back to that) and their burning rings of fire! Aren’t witches supposed to prefer pentagrams and triangles to circles? Weird . . .

      Speaking of burning and TVD comparisons, Bondage Eric and Bondage Bill much? Honestly, I can’t help but think this was just another excuse to get these two men naked and tied together. I felt the same way when the Hidey Hole vamps stripped Stefan and chained him up back in Season 1 of TVD. We know they will make it through this, and live on to Season 5, which kind of decreases the intensity factor of that scene. But I’m wondering if they will turn on Nan and kill HER!

      Oh, and I agree, after all Eric has been through this season, he deserves some REAL SHOWER SEX, not all this rejection, possession, and torture. Alan Ball really does seem to HATE Eric, doesn’t he? Then again, he’s barbecuing Pet Bill too, so, who knows? Speaking of this scene, you know, I had always assumed that NAN was doing the burning, to punish the vamps for MAKING HER LOOK BAD at the Tolerance Convention. That’s certainly what the trailer implies. But it just occurred to me that THIS was how Antonia died back in the day. So, maybe, its Possessed Lafayette’s Grand Plan of Revenge . . .

      As for the zombie vamps, perhaps, Witchipoo temporarily dismantled her electric doggie fence to let them pass? ;)

      Oh, and I’m DEFINITELY with you in your confusion about the whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” thing. At least with Book Sookie, and TVD’s Elena (and I guess Katherine), these women are not as whiny and ANNOYING as TV Sookie can be. So, with them, it makes a little more sense. But as far as Book Sookie, she’s cute and all. But cuteness and fairy perfume, can only get you so far, when you are running around whining, making Ugly Cry Face, wearing 80′s heart sweatshirts, and screaming “BEEEEEEEEL, BEEEEEEL” at the top of your lungs. You know what I’m sayin’? ;)

      But despite that, I still like Sookie with Eric . . . strange, I know. :)

      As you mentioned, I think it’s great that TB ends the same week that TVD begins, so that we effectively have NO VAMPIRE HIATUS to suffer through. I can’t help but wonder whether this was intentional . . . ;)

      Thanks again for your awesome and always brilliant commentary. And I’m thrilled that WE can continue talking about vampires, werewolves, witches and stuff, without a hiatus, as well! ;)

      • Hey Fangbangers! I’ve gotten into the habit of taking a bit longer, when writing season finale recaps . . . just to make sure I haven’t missed anything. (Also, all the GOOD gifs from the show tend to be published the morning after!) So, sit tight. The next True Blood recap is well underway, and should be up by early this evening. Thanks for your patience, folks! You rock! ;)

  6. imaginarymen

    Jason RULED in this episode. And not JUST bc he was in a tank top and tight jeans (damn you hoodie! DAMN YOU!!) I couldn’t stop laughing when they all started zombie-dancing towards the forcefield and he sounded so confused, “where are you going?”

    Also I really want to break-up w/someone by sassing, “we are SO not sharing the flesh anymore *sshole!”

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