BLAIR: “Your mother is requiring my baby to have an oil change, and a battery recharge, every month? But that doesn’t make any sense! No human child needs Double D Batteries to live!”
LOUIS-BOT: *whistles uncomfortably*
(By the way, special thanks to Home of the Nutty, for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.)
Greetings Upper East Siders! It’s Yom Kippur in Gossip Girl World, a.k.a. The Day of Atonement, a.k.a. HUNGRY DAY. What better time could there possibly be to tell your parents that you’ve been knocked up by a
robot prince, than when they are too delirious with hunger to be truly disappointed in you for it? Clearly, this is Blair’s and Louis-bot’s reasoning, when they finally confront their parents with news of Blair’s pregnancy, at the start of the episode.
ELEANOR: “But how is that even possible, Blair? He’s a robo . . .”
CYRUS: (interrupts) “Now, now Eleanor, there’s no need to be rude toward our cyborg future son-and-law (through his teeth) we don’t want the Queen to have us beheaded.”
QUEEN SOPHIE: “Yippee. I always knew you would be a marvelous baby making machine. You have spectacular child-bearing hips. That said, you WILL agree to
unplug murder the child, in the event that it’s not a boy, right?
Blair’s and Louis-bot’s gamble, in choosing to reveal this information when they did, actually seems to be a good one. After all, aside from Blair’s mom’s reminder that Blair hasn’t finished college yet (I’m glad SOMEBODY remembered!), the parental units seem to take the baby news shockingly well. Of course, this does move up the couple’s wedding plans, just a bit. “We don’t want another bastard on our hands!” Sophie jokes pointedly.
Hmmm . . . did she mean a bastard, as in a child born to an unwed mother? Or a BASS-tard?
“I’m Baby Bass.”
Doing it Doggy Style. . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, the Dan /Chuck /Monkey bro-dog-mance continues . . .
Apparently, Dan has bought a little gift for Monkey. It’s a black, shiny S&M collar. How thoughtful!
“You know, Dan. If you want to play dirty sex games with me, all you have to do is ask.”
Upon seeing the naughty collar, Chuck gleefully notes that he knows a lot of women, who would look good in it, which basically means, that a lot of Chuck’s sexual partners have REALLY thick necks . . .
Not you, Blair. YOUR neck is perfectly proportioned.
It’s not all that surprising that Dan is showering Chuck and Monkey with sex toys, when you consider that, at this point in the story, Chuck and his trusty canine sidekick are they only people on the show who don’t HATE DAN’S GUTS. I mean, Dan’s own DAD isn’t even returning his calls, for crying out loud!
“I don’t know why you’re mad, Rufus. If it weren’t for me, you would never have gotten that job offer to be on Real Househusbands of NYC.”
Always one to look on the bright side of things, Chuck reminds Dan that, at least now, all his so-called friends and family are ignoring them, because they hate him . . . as opposed to before, when they ignored him, because they didn’t know he existed. (Good point!) Someone who DID always seem to know Dan existed was Serena. And when she calls Dan and invites him out for coffee, the Dopey Donut becomes immediately convinced his days as a Social Pariah are over . . .
Haha! Sucks for him!
Silly Dan! Clearly, he hasn’t watched the first four seasons of Gossip Girl. Because, if he did, he would know that nobody forgives ANYONE on this show, without getting horrible revenge on them for whatever bad thing they’ve done, first.
Meanwhile, Monkey — who clearly takes after his owner — starts sniffing the butt of some seemingly random shrink’s dog . . .
“I’m Monkey Bass . . . and you have a nice ass.”
This, of course, gives Chuck the “fabulous” idea that he and the lucky shrink should ALSO be sniffing eachother’s butts. After all, what’s good enough for Monkey is good enough for Chuckie, right? Shrink Lady immediately assesses Chuck as someone who’s in need of some serious
sexual favors psychological help. So, she offers him her business card.
“For a good time, call . . .”
Chuck wastes absolutely no time, plopping himself on Shrink-o’s therapy couch, and propositioning her . . .
Unfortunately, Shrink-o REJECTS HIM!
The way I see it, there can only be three logical reasons for this: (1) she is a lesbian; (2) she is blind; or (3) she watches Gossip Girl, is a huge Chair fan, and isn’t willing to be this season’s Lame Plot Device to keep the happy couple apart . . .
“Hey! I resemble that remark.”
Whatever the reason, Chuck ends up leaving his first “therapy session,” with nothing but a $250 invoice, and a pair of these . . .
But, hey, at least he still has Monkey to keep him warm at night . . .
. . . which is more than can be said for a certain Dopey Donut . . .
Inside: The Movie (Based on a Best Selling Novel by Humpty Humphrey)
“When I portrayed you in my book as a shallow, drunken, slut, with no redeeming qualities, whatsoever, I meant it in the nicest way possible.”
Having been tasked by her new boss, Cruella Deville, with the assignment of securing the film rights for Dan’s SPECTACULAR novel, Serena is forced to suck up her pride, and invite her ex-boyfriend, F. Scott Fitzjackass, out for coffee. On the surface, Serena seems to play very nice with Dopey Donut. But, if you watch her closely, you can tell she’s secretly plotting ways to murder him, by lighting his muppet-esque hair on fire . . .
Dan, of course, is oblivious to all of this, and informally offers Serena the movie rights to his book, without a second thought. But then, after Dan leaves the shop, his Evil ASS-istant (HATE HER!) . . .
“Hi Dan. I’m on my way out to eat some puppies, and smother newborn babies with pillows, but before I do that, let me entice you to do something else that will make your friends hate your guts . . .”
. . . calls to tell him that Harvey Weinstein wants the movie rights to
Gossip Girl Inside. So, of course, now Dan’s all “Serena, WHO?”
*insert game show buzzer noise*
Meanwhile, in the storyline that nobody’s cared about for weeks, but, which suddenly got interesting, in the last few seconds of this episode . . .
Blah, Blah, Blah Charlie/Ivy/ Call Me Serena, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blackmail / Spying
“Wake up, Faux Charlie, things are about to get exciting . . . for a change.”
After information about Diana’s Poor Little Rich People Cell Phone Heist from last week is leaked to Gossip Girl, Diana finds, much to her chagrin, that her tawdry tabloid website cannot go live yet, without making Diana’s illegal deeds TOTALLY obvious to Manhattan’s elite. Desperate for an alternative news source, Diana propositions both the blackmailed Faux Charlie, and Sex Toy Nate to find out information about their “pals” the Bass’ and Van Der Woodsens.
NATE: “You know, one of these days, I’m going to get a REAL storyline . . . one that doesn’t involve me getting manipulated by the middle-aged guest star my character is currently boning.”
DIANA: “It’s good to have to dreams . . .”
Back at the Van Der Woodsen Mansion, Moronic Lily inexplicably tells Faux Charlie all about the Big Bad Safe filled with Big Bad Van Der Woodsen and Bass Family Secrets, before leaving with Rufus to attend the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur Thingy.
“I’d gladly leave you the combination to the safe, so that you could break in and use the Top Secret Information contained inside to destroy our lives. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to count past the number five.”
Charlie eventually entices Nate to help out with her “devious” plan. Nate, for his part, secures the combination to the safe from Chuck Bass, who had broken into it with Serena once before. (And, of course, the Van Der Woodsens didn’t think to change the combination, since then. HOW
The combination to the safe ends up being Chuck’s mother’s birthday. (Remember that . . . because it ends up being important later.)
After opening the safe, and extracting the documents hidden therein, Nate suddenly has a crisis of conscience. He doesn’t want to deliver the information to Diana, even if it means he’ll never be the next John F. Kennedy, Jr. (Umm . . . Nate, next time, you might want to try having a role model who DOESN’T DIE REALLY YOUNG in a FREAK PLANE CRASH! Just sayin’.). Nate also reminds Charlie that, because she’s supposedly RELATED to the Van Der Woodsen’s, she probably shouldn’t want to expose their deep dark secrets, EITHER!
“Oh, that’s right. For a second there, I forgot I was pretending to actually be a member of this f*&ked up, dysfunctional, family. Thanks for reminding me.”
Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena pretends to return the information to the safe, for Nate’s benefit. But, of course, she ends up turning it over to Diana, anyway. Now, HERE is where things finally get interesting . . .
“Don’t you wish every family had a folder conveniently labeled ‘Big Bad Family Secrets?’ It would make the often time-consuming art of successful blackmail SO much more efficient . . .”
Diana surprises viewers, by actually RETURNING the folders to Faux-Charlie, claiming that none of the information contained within them is remotely newsworthy. But then, after Faux-Charlie leaves, we see that Diana has kept ONE particular piece of information from Bart Bass’ folder. It is . . . wait for it . . . a PICTURE OF DIANA from when she was a bit younger . . . like . . . say TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER. (Now, how old is Chuck Bass again? ;))
Remember how I said that the fact that the combination to Bart’s safe was Chuck Bass’ mother’s birthday was significant? Is it possible that Diana is Chuck’s long lost mother, once thought to be dead?
Though Diana burned the picture in question, before it could inevitably fall into the wrong hands, I think it’s VERY safe to say that this little tidbit of information is destinted to haunt the Upper East Side, sometime in the very near future . . .
Speaking of Chuck, he strikes out with the Good Doctor AGAIN, at the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur thingy. (This has to be a record for him.) What’s worse, as a consulation prize to sleeping with her, she decides to give him a free impromptu therapy session, right there in the street. And the results are NOT pretty . . .
“That will be another $250, thank you for your time.”
OK. Now we know, FOR SURE, that the Shrink-o is a huge Gossip Girl fan. Because she psycho-analyzes poor Chuck to a TEE! She basically tells him that he never had a childhood, and therefore acts like a child, in all the worst ways. She then explains to him that he pays for sex, so that he can always be in control.
“Your superficial connections, and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone . . . not just tonight, always. I wish you all the best. But you are going to need more than that to lead a happy and normal life,” she concludes.
“Oh, and while we’re at it, why the heck did you f*&k that Raccoon Zombie, Jenny Humphrey, back in Season 3? That was SO whack! And don’t even get me started on that Raina thing . . .”
Wow, Lady! Why don’t you tell Chuck, how you really feel?
*sniffles* “She was just SO MEAN! All I wanted to do was give her the best sex she ever had in her long boring life!”
Of course, it seems more than a bit unrealistic that this woman — without being psychic, or spending hours with a Gossip Girl DVD box set — could surmise all of this about Chuck, after reading a few tabloid stories, and spending all of three minutes with him. But what kept the scene from being completely ridiculous was Ed Westwick’s acting ability. Watching Chuck take in this all-too-accurate assessment of his personality was pretty darn heartbreaking, as his glib cocky smile, gradually gave way to understanding, and, ultimately, depression . . .
Someone needs a hug . . .
Westwick’s sublime mastery of this difficult scene almost makes me forget the fact that (1) Chuck came to this EXACT same realization last week, with Lily, making the shrink’s monologue a bit redundant; and (2) there was not a SINGLE Chair scene to be had in this ENTIRE episode . . . ALMOST.
Anywhoo, at the end of the episode, Chuck calls this same shrink, but this time to set up a GENUINE appointment for some much-needed therapy . . .
And if the CANADIAN PROMO for the next episode is any indication, this psychotherapy is going to have a MAJOR impact on the Chair relationship. Now, whether that impact ends up being positive or negative, remains to be seen . . .
Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .
Baby-Bot Needs a New Boarding School . . .
Tensions run high in the Waldorf household, when Louis-Bot’s Slimy Priest Kissing Wench of a Sister, Beatrice-Bot plants the seed in her mother’s head that Blair might not raise her baby in a way suited for a future Monaco royal heir. So, Sophie then places a whole bunch of conditions on Blair, requiring her to give birth to the baby in Monaco, and have the baby attend boarding school there.
At first, Blair is appalled by Queen Sophie’s conditions. But when she turns to her supposed bestie Serena for support, and Serena blows her off, because of WORK problems, of all things . . .
(That’s funny, when Serena usually blows Blair off, it’s for sex with Random Guest Stars or Nate. . .)
. . . Blair suddenly and inexplicably becomes convinced that she has NOTHING left for her in NYC (overdramatic much?), and instantly agrees to all of Queen Sophie’s conditions.
But wait . . . it gets worse. Enter that annoying Tabloid Journalist witch, Diana
who might be Chuck’s mom. Hoping to snag a story for her stupid online Beta version of Gossip Girl, Diana indirectly helps Beatrice to (1) convince her mother that these baby-raising conditions need to be in writing; and (2) somehow insert into this oddball baby-raising contract provisions that are so preposterous even this new Stepford version of Blair won’t be able to agree to them.
“I just have to insert my wanker, into EVERY SINGLE storyline on this show, don’t I?”
The plan goes off, without a hitch of course. As expected, Blair and her family are severely disturbed by the notion of having to sign this ridiculous contract, which, among other things, prevents Blair from ever spending more than 48 hours in New York, without prior approval of the monarchy.
“But how will I manage to maintain my inevitable marital affair with Chuck Bass, then? Most of our sex sessions last at least six hours!”
But the biggest shocker, of course, comes from Louis-Bot, who ACTUALLY STANDS UP TO HIS MOTHER, for once. (Blair has reprogrammed him well.) When Queen Sophie publicly threatens to disown, and refuse to acknowledge, Louis-Bot, if his soon-to-be wife doesn’t sign the contract, Louis-bot turns around and replies that, as heir to the throne, it is Baby-bot’s decision whether HE (or SHE) chooses to acknowlege HER. While, I’m not sure that’s true from a political standpoint (After all, what if Baby-Bot is female? Would she still be more powerful than the reigning Queen?), kudos to Louis-Bot for FINALLY growing a pair . . .
Well . . . so much for THAT!
Oh, and Diana got her Big Bad Tabloid story, just in case you cared . . .
Headline of the Day: Royal Robot Wars . . . a.k.a. Real Steel 2, Electric Boogaloo
The altercation led to a very sweet exchange between Blair and her mother, though . . .
And this, in turn, convinced Rufus to forgive his son for effectively portraying him as a high class male prostitute in his book! So . . . YAY for positive parent-child relationships that aren’t Louis-bot’s!
Speaking of Blair’s cyborg fiance, don’t know about you, but I found Louis-bot’s supposedly sweet remark that, “You’re my only family now,” at the end of the episode, to be more than a bit creepy. I mean, really, when you think about it, a line like this is really just a hop, skip, and a jump from the much over-used, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”
In fact, Louis-Bot proves himself to be a Fiance on the Brink of a Possible Psychotic Breakdown, when he finds Blair’s Paternity Test results and, rather, than immediately confronting Blair with them, he instead contacts . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK’S NEW SHRINK for help with the matter.
How convenient is it that there’s seemingly only ONE therapist on the Upper East Side, and she just so happens to have a pooch who’s ass Chuck’s Monkey likes to sniff? Be afraid, Blair Bear, be VERY afraid . . .
Oh, I guess I should finish telling you about Dan’s movie option, should I?
The Love of Her Life . . .
When Serena learns from a public television interview that Dan is NOT going to offer her the movie rights to his book, after all, she is SUPER PISSED . . .
I said PISSED . . . not wasted!
Furious with Dan for ruining her chances at success in a job that has suddenly become The Most Important Thing in Serena’s Life,
at least, until next week our blonde book villain decides to sabotage Humpty Humphrey’s chances of selling the movie rights to his book to anyone else aside from her boss.
Well . . . not really . . . but it certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to do.
She does this by leaking to a major online publication a rumor that Dan has ALREADY promised the rights to Serena’s boss.
Slimy as it was, Serena’s Evil Plan ultimately WORKS, in that Dan eventually agrees to GIVE Serena’s boss the movie rights
(but only because no one else gives two craps about him and his lame book anymore), provided that HE gets to write the screenplay.
(Seriously? He writes screenplays, too? What’s next, Donut Dan for President?)
Dan and Serena then have a heart-to-heart conversation about how Serena’s character, just like Nate’s, isn’t JUST her, but rather, an amalgamation of her, and other book and TV characters that Dan
stole borrowed from alternative media sources because he lacks originality as an author.
“My second novel will be entitled SuperDan, and will feature a character that rises above his humble Brooklyn beginnings, to fly around NYC, and battle evil, while wearing a cape, and a bodysuit, with a big “D” emblazoned on the front.”
This makes Serena feel a little better. But she’s still bummed about the fact that Blair got to be the heroine of Dan’s book, while SHE is merely the Drunken Slutty Sidekick.
Having considered Dan to be the Love of Her Life (and, considering how many people Serena has
had sex with loved in her lifetime, this should be a HUGE honor for Donut Dan), Serena is hurt to learn that he might not feel the same way about her. Dan later apologizes to Serena for this, claiming that it is WAY too early in Dan and Serena’s lives for them to know who the True Loves of Their Life are. His MAY be Serena . . . but it also may be Blair (MAN, I HOPE NOT) . . . or Chuck . . . or Monkey. Who really knows?
That said . . . Dan and Serena’s conversation does raise an interesting question about “soulmates.” Specifically, exactly how old does one have to be to recognize his or her True Love? What do you think, GG’ers? Do we need to wait until we are old and wrinkly, before we can figure out who the loves of our life are? Or is this something we know instinctively, the moment we experience it?
One thing is FOR SURE, however. We definitely don’t need to wait until we’re old, to figure out, is who our True Friends are.
Therefore, it is fitting that, at the end of the episode, Serena FINALLY apologizes for being such a douchette to Blair, and COMPLETELY ignoring Queen B’s ass, while she was going through all this awful crap with her baby, and Louis-Bot’s despicable family.
As it turns out, Serena was merely acting out, because she was jealous of the generally positive way Blair was ultimately portrayed in Dan’s story, as opposed to the unbelieveably AWFUL way Serena was portrayed. “You were the star of Dan’s book,” Serena admits with a pout.
“Well, it’s pure fiction,” Blair replies kindly, offering Serena a big ole hug . . .
Here’s hoping these two besties never again let jealousy, selfishness, or boys get in the way of their eternal friendship. *cough Fat Chance cough*
So . . . that was “The Fasting and The Furious,” in a nutshell. In two weeks, Gossip Girl returns for “I Am Number Nine,” during which we will get our first taste of Bridezilla Blair, and her less-than-lucky prospective Bridesmaids . . .
(By the way, did you guys notice how the Canadian promo makes this upcoming episode look AWESOME, and the American one, above, makes it look . . . um . . .
ridiculous, cheesy, dumb slightly less awesome? Weird . . .)
Anyway, I’ll see you all on November 7th. Until then, XOXO!