STILES: “You know, Derek. I sure am going to miss spending all these magical moments with you, when this show goes on hiatus.”
DEREK: “I think your wallet is digging into my thigh.”
STILES: “My . . . wallet?” *whistles uncomfortably*
Greetings Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another. (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)
“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!“
So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .
[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]
In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .
So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?
“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”
“AHHHHH! Worst . . . sex . . . tape . . . EVER!”
One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why. Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers. And, wouldn’t you know it? For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies! In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .
“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”
This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long. Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!
“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed. Soooo many dust bunnies.”
The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory. So romantic!
After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.
Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!
*cue the theme song from Titanic*
Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .
In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .
VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”
DEREK: “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Or maybe Aladdin. He was kind of cool.”
Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had. First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams. (Does that make sense?) I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist. Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .
Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time! In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.
What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale. It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .
The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life. Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”
Talk about a rude awakening! Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?
Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .
The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .
But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title. You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . . .
(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf. I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder? Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian. So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now. Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)
So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha. Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”
Yeah, because that’s a great idea!
Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .
In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .
Question: How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?
Answer: You don’t. But it sure is fun to try!
Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.
“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”
But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof. This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.
(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode? NO ONE should trust Scott. Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team. See analysis above)
The result? A break in the case! Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS. Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE, where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.
Dude! That’s what welcome mats are for!
Silly Creepy Camera Guy! Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?
Just sayin . . .
Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.
“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”
And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers . . .
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”
Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .
In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .
Poor Allison! As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH . . .
You see, that’s the thing, Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry. It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments . . .
In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own. My theory? Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent, wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack. And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .
ALLISON: “That’s weird. Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”
GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*
What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.
Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting. And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born . . . for real, this time.
At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face. He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!) He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.
Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .
AHHH! It’s ALIVE . . . again!
Message sent and received. Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list. Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness. He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.
But Allison is not swayed. She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.” In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .
*sniffle, sniffle*
Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.
“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”
It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show. Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .
“It’s like looking in a mirror.”
Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .
Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt. It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture. (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.) That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play! Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . . .
“See? I’m not all bad!”
In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .
A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.
Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .
You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department. Don’t you think? I mean sure, he started out kind of clever, avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an innocent. But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.
More on this, in just a bit . . .
What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM! Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it. So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .
And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions . . .
DEREK: “I think you just bit my nipple.”
STILES: “Did you like it?”
DEREK: “A little bit . . . yeah.”
But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.
However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness. He wants a copy of the bestiary. You all remember the bestiary, right?
It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them. Later, during an office pillow talk session, Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers. That’s pretty clever, Derek!
DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”
STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”
DEREK: “F*%k no! He tried to cut off your head, with his foot. He can get his own.”
You know what else is clever? Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .
. . . but clever . . .
In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .
It’s around this point in the episode, when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team. I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned. What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers. It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?
Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people. There’s something kind of circular in that, right?
“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche? WTF!”
I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable . . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool. Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat. Bummer!
But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!
The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .
Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his weak murder motives. But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage. His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him . . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.
They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people. Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .
Pretty frightening, right?
Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .
In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .
Silly Gerard! Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .
Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”
Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty. Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself. “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”
Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears. (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)
Then, Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima. It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.
“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”
Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes. Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.
“WEEEEEEEEE! I’m flyinnnggggg!“
But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year. Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway. Now, that’s just cold!
Hey, Matt. Take a hint . . .
In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)
I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.
She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms. The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .
The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout. Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .
“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”
It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .
In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .
Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.
Of course, Derek is around to hear this exchange, and he is NOT amused . . .
*single manly tear*
There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking. Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy, who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation. And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit . . .
In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS. In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?”
“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”
The drowning scene was uncomfortably long. And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.
Neither of these things actually happened. What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.
Hand porn
My theory on this? Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did. This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .
Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high? Because he HAS been. And he’s been looking good doing it. Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”
MOMMY LIKE!
Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .
See ya then, Werebangers!
[www.juliekushner.com] [ Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees]
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