Tag Archives: Matt

Post-Traumatic Kanaima Syndrome – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield”

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OMG, Werebangers!  We are officially one episode away from the end of the season!  It seems like only yesterday that we watched Lydia take the Dirtiest Shower Ever, and we all made fun of Scott and his trademark Crab-Leg / Run-Waddle . . .

This week on Teen Wolf, Derek received some “Uncle-y” (Is that an actual word?) Advice, Allison proved that the Psycho Argent Gene might not have skipped a generation, after all, Stiles proved that he might actually be Batman (though, personally, the Spiderman analogy always made more sense to me), Isaac fondled an adorable puppy, and Scott spent the hour looking even more confused than usual . . .

So, strap on your helmet and brush up on your knowledge of the film Independence Day, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, special thanks go out to my pal, Andre for his weekly dedication to Screencap Awesomeness!  Andre, just so you know, I would totally beat people up on the lacrosse field, for you, if you asked nicely. ;)]

Hyper-Vigilence

I hear lacrosse sticks are a good source of fiber.

One frequent criticism lodged at teen shows, in general, and teen supernatural shows, specifically, is that they tend to be purposefully blind to the long-term impact that repeated exposure to traumatic events would have on the average teen psyche.

Teen Wolf has managed to avoid this pitfall, with episodes like “Battlefield.”  These episodes directly address how the events of the series are impacting the main characters’ lives, in a way that actually adds to, rather than detracts from, the action of the story.

I guess we have Cryptic Counselor Lady to thank for that . . .

The episode begins on an unusually somber note, with everyone’s favorite ambassador of Team Human, nervously gnawing on his lacrosse stick (Mmmm!  Tasty!), as he describes to Cryptic Counselor Lady, in chilling detail, what the experience of drowning feels like . . . the way the water exerts pressure on the body .  . . the way the body struggles to keep itself from filling with water .  . . and the peaceful feeling that takes over right before death . . .

This doesn’t look so peaceful to me . . .

Woah,  Stiles!  Have you been chatting with Dead Creepy Camera Guy, lately?  How do you know all this stuff about drowning?  Did you look it up on Wikipedia?  Morbid much?  Whatever happened to teens who spent their free internet search time scouring for porn, like everyone else? 🙂

“So, basically WebMD says that little problem you’ve been having down there is totally normal for werewolves, who come back from the dead through weird hand-holding rituals.”

And yet, in a way, Stiles has experienced drowning, firsthand . . . though it’s drowning in the metaphorical sense, more than the literal one.  Like a drowning man, Stiles is feeling pressure exerted on him from all angles.  He feels responsible for his father’s sadness (But hey, at least thanks to all those dead cops, the dude got his job back!), Allison’s rage, Jackson’s and Lydia’s respective psychoses, and Scott’s confusion and loneliness.   He wants to help the people he cares about, but feels that his humanity makes him incapable of doing so.  He’s also pretty f*&kin’ freaked out that he might just end up getting eaten alive by a Big F*&kin’ Lizard Man .  . .

Cryptic Counselor Lady, as it turns out, has a medical  diagnosis for “pretty f*&kin freaked out.”  It’s called Hyper Vigilant.  (Take that, Freshman Psychology Class!)  She also has some advice for Stiles, courtesy of Winston Churchill.  “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”

Insightful?  Yes, definitely.  Inspirational?  Oh, I don’t know.  Personally, when I’m going through Hell, I prefer to stop and take a nap . . .

Either way, Dylan O’Brien and his puppy dog eyes absolutely KILLED this scene, adding an unusual amount of gravitas to a show about funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-looking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .  The actor is just awe-inspiringly talented.  And I for one, can’t wait for the time, when he’s off winning Oscars, and I get to brag to everyone I know, that I knew him back when he was on that little MTV show with the funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-loooking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .

Who’s with me on this one?

Cue the obligatory Scott Shower Scene in 3, 2 . . .

“Hey Ladies!  I’m the wolf your man could smell like . . .”

Lest we get too serious, too quickly, the episode then decides to dial up it’s camp factor to about 20 with a revisit to Naked Shower Scott.  You remember Naked Shower Scott,  right?  We met him back in the pilot, and he’s been having regular cameos on the show ever since.  After all, when you spend a good portion of your time running around the woods chasing squirrels, and running from lizard people,  hygiene is VERY important . . .

Naked Shower Scott not campy enough for you?  How about this doozy of an image?

“Just hangin’ out . . .”

Sadly, this is Mama McCall’s first date since Peter Hale . . .

That’s right, Werebangers! It appears the McCalls have unwittingly thrown themselves a private party, at which scaly green men, and wrinkly old men are the guests of honor.  Poor Mama McCall!  Not too long ago, she found out her son occasionally sports sideburns, a bad hairdo, and a pointy face that literally only a mother could love.  Now, suddenly, she’s hanging out on her werewolf son’s ceiling, spooning with a murderous kanaima.

I guess, when it rains, it pours, right?

Grandpa Crazy Pants reminds Scott that this is what happens, when the latter doesn’t return his text messages . . . his mom starts hooking up with lizard people.  Pops then goes on to explain to those confused by the events of last week’s episode, that his desire to avenge his daughter Wackjob Kate’s death,  is what made him capable of forging the Kanaima Master connection.

“‘S-up, Wolfie?”

I guess he’s right.   But, then again, what character on this show DOESN’T have at least one death to avenge?  Truth be told, Kanaima Jackson has so many options for a Master in Beacon Hills, he could star in his own reality dating show entitled: Can I be your b*tch?

Anyway, after Gerard and his b*tch exit stage left, a tearful Mama McCall begs Scott to do whatever Grandpa Crazy Pants wants him to do, i.e. provide Derek Hale’s head on a platter . . .

Clearly, Mama McCall has never seen the episode of Teen Wolf where Derek spent ten minutes doing push-ups and pull-ups to pop music . . .

Had she seen this, I’m quite certain she would have chosen differently.   After all, a six-pack and great pects are a terrible thing to waste . . .

Baby, I’m howling for you . . .

Here’s a new couple idea for you: Boyd and Erica . .  . the Absentee Werewolf and Tweedle Dumb Boobs.

We found love in a hairy place . . .

I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first.  But eventually, they won me over . . . holding hands in the middle of the woods, like high school sweethearts, finishing each other’s sentences, calculating the percent chance of certain doom, when they find themselves surrounded by a seemingly large pack of wolves that isn’t there own.  It’s a romantic comedy dream come true . . . minus the comedy, of course . . .

Love hurts . . .

And if these two crazy kid both wind-up surviving the season, which, under the circumstances, is highly unlikely, I think they just might make it as a couple . . .

After all, they did find love in a hopeless place.  Stay strong, were-cubs!  Help is on the way . . . eventually.

Who in their right mind would reject Derek Hale?

Scratch that, were-cubs.  Help was on the way, until you bit the hand that fed you.  So much for pack loyalty.  One creepy lizard thing controlled by a werewolf-hating sociopath, and a pack of potentially angry wolves, is all it takes to send Erica and Boyd literally heading for the hills.

“Honestly, we’re just not that into you.

“But I was on SEVENTH HEAVEN.  Doesn’t that mean anything to you ingrates?”

And as bad as I felt for Derek about being double-dumped, I was actually a bit more concerned about Erica’s and Boyd’s parents.  I mean, considering they were being referred to as “the runaways” throughout the entire hour,  they HAD them, didn’t they?  Perhaps, they assumed their sticking around would put their families in danger of becoming kanaima meat as well . . .

Upon hearing the bad news that, “it’s not you, it’s the kanaima,” a particularly sour grapes Derek warns his little cub-lings that once they start running scared, they will ALWAYS be running scared.  I suspect Derek knows a thing or two about that from personal experience.

That, and he looks really hot when he runs . . .

No matter, because,  as it turns out, Erica and Boyd don’t actually get to do much running at all .  . .

Because Grandpa Argent clearly laces his fake suicide notes with crack and Cult Kool-Aid . . .

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Katniss Everdeen does not approve . . .

Honestly,  I’m a bit confused about what exactly the “strategy” was that convinced an entire team of Argents, led by Allison and Papa Argent to drive down Erica and Boyd in a troop of ATVs.  Forgive me, if I’m wrong, but I thought it was established last week that “Derek got the Death Sentence priority,” and the were-cubs were only a target, if they got in the way. Well, I hate to break it to you Argents, but Erica and Boyd, are SOOOO not getting in your way!  In fact, they are saying, “Hey, Argents!  You go ahead and kill that hunky piece of man-meat known as our were-dad.  We sure as heck aren’t going to stop you!”

“Wake us, when our maker is dead . . .”

I mean, I guess their idea was to use Boyd and Erica to get to Derek, either through interrogation or ransom.  But still, the “strategy” seems to pretty blatantly fly in the face of that whole “Argent Code.”  Don’t you think?

Oh, and ATV’S?  Not exactly the most stealthy hunting vehicles.  You might as well tracked down Boyd and Erica using monster trucks . . .

ALLISON: “Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting werewolves.”

CHRIS: “WHAT?!  I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE ENGINE!”

Anywhoo, Allison pulls out her trusty bow and arrow, and shoots Erica in the side, immediately immobilizing her.  Then, when Boyd (lamely) tries to come to her aid (HELLO!  YOU ARE WEREWOLVES!  DEFEND YOURSELVES!  SHAKE WHAT YOUR DEREK GAVE YOU!), Allison’s got an arrow for him too, multiple arrows, in fact.

“Heartburn . . . need . . . TUMS.”

Did I mention that Allison continues to pelt poor Erica and Boyd with arrows, despite the fact that they have long been immobilized,  and neither is a threat anymore.  It gets to the point where Papa Argent has to literally shoot the bow and arrow out of Allison’s hand to get her to stop having so much fun!

Now, granted, werewolves heal.  So, unless the bullets on those bows were silver tipped, Allison was in no danger of killing Boyd or Erica, no matter how many of them she wasted on them.   Still though, it was an uncharacteristically cold move on Allison’s part.  And when your wacky, “I kidnap my own daughter sometimes,  just to teach her a lesson” father, thinks you’ve gone too far, it’s a pretty safe bet that you have . . .

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Even more uncharacteristic of Allison was the surprisingly sleazy and arrogant joy she got out of capturing her two classmates.  This accomplishment she haughtily took full credit for, in front of her father, just before gleefully calling “Grandpa” to report the good news.  That’s right, I said “Grandpa.”  Allison used to distance herself from the loony tunes old dude who spawned her father, by coldly referring to him as “Gerard.”  Now, suddenly, she’s acting like their Mean Girl besties.

Daddy definitely does NOT approve . . .

My thoughts on this plot development?  Too much, too fast . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved seeing the heretofore almost frustratingly even=keeled Allison come a bit unhinged in these past few weeks over the death of her mother.  And, acting-wise, Crystal Reed has really been “bringing it” in this regard.  But what made Good Girl  Allison’s slow descent in to Darth Vader territory seem so authentic and believable was that it was all anchored by a heart-wrenching sadness, and a lazer-like focus on Derek, the man she presumes to be her mother’s killer.

This week, Allison just seemed a little too happy for my liking.  Her sudden glee over repeatedly shooting her classmates, when they were already down, for no reason whatsoever, was a bit hard for me to swallow.

Whatever Gerard put in that faux suicide letter must have been pretty darn powerful stuff to get Allison to change her ENTIRE personality for it, in the course of a week.  Hey, maybe he laced it with that same crazy (“kill all the humans”) Cult Blood the vampires have been inhaling on True Blood . . .

A Hale Family Zombie Reunion

Back at the Hale house,  Derek’s day just continues to get worse,  as he finds himself faced with the Uncle he both killed, and unwittingly helped to come back from the dead.  (How very Shakespearean!)

“You can tell I’m more dignified now, because I have a soul patch, and use hair gel . . .”

The two family members “catch up” with one another, by tossing household items at one another, and basically beating the sh*t at each other for a few hours.  You know, just like old times!

Then, Peter (who, I’ll say this again, has been looking SUPER fine, since his reincarnation) decides to go all Yoda on Derek’s ass.  “Save Jackson, you will.  Teach you to stop being such a lame Alpha,  I can,” Yoda Peter tells his nephew, more or less . . .

Peter claims that Jackson only became the kanaima in the first place, because he lacked a sense of identity.  (That whole “no face” hallucination in the “Party Guessed” episode would seem to prove as much . . .)  He further explains that calling Jackson by his “Christian” name, should be enough to bring him back to himself.  (I guess being a burned-up corpse  in the ground gives you a lot of time to catch up on your Bestiary reading . . .)

Oh, and here’s the kicker,  Peter claims that the Hale’s should use Lydia to save Jackson, since he looooooooves her so much.

Is it just a mere coincidence that the person Peter wants to incorporate into their grand Kanaima-Away plan for Jackson Wittemore, just so happens to be the same girl Uncle ex-Alpha has been mind-raping, and using as his zombie slave all season?  I think not  . . .

Because, here’s the thing, I don’t care how hot he looks lately, I’m totally not buying Peter’s whole “I just want to be part of a pack again,” act.   A few episodes back, the Vet explicitly told Derek to watch out for Peter’s attempts to mentally manipulate him.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening here . . .

Good Old Animal Magnetism

As much as I pick on Scott, I’m actually really enjoying the Scott / Isaac bromance that’s been percolating throughout the season.  So, I hope that continues, and they don’t decide to .  . . you know . . . kill the guy, or something.

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One thing that was never really addressed with Isaac were his thoughts about the whole “Matt Thing,” especially since we learned that the two were childhood friends, and that Matt was playing at his house, when the whole “drowning thing” occurred.  So, presumably, Isaac knew about it.  I wonder if that aspect of the story will ever come up again . . .

Anywhoo, I found it interesting that while Boyd and Erica decided amongst themselves to abandon Derek, and escape Beacon Hills, Isaac came to world-beater Scott at the Vet’s office for advice.

You could say THAT again . . .

Of all of Derek’s wolf pack, Isaac actually had the least to lose by leaving, since he LITERALLY has no one keeping him in Beacon Hills.  And yet, I still feel like he’s grasping for some connection, or reason to stay in town.  Derek Hale wasn’t that connection.  Neither was Erica Reyes.  Scott might be.  Except, Scott’s already got a whole Scooby Gang to wolf-sit.  Is there room for one more?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

“We can have slumber parties, and paint eachothers’ nails . . . just promise you won’t invite the swim team over, K?”

Oh, and did I mention that Werewolf Isaac has the power to fondle puppies and take their pain away.  Does it get much cuter than that?

“He can ‘take my pain away’ anytime!”

Too bad I’m pretty sure this power is going to be used to take the pain away from a dying human next week.

But for now, we can just enjoy the adorable puppy love-ness of it all . . .

Because lacrosse games are exactly like Potentially Apocalyptic Alien Invasions . . .

It’s time for the Big Game. Jackson the Lizard Slave is in attendance, looking eeeeevvvill.  Pal Dann wants to know why Jackson hasn’t been returning his calls.  Maybe it’s because Hallmark hasn’t started selling: “Sorry, I became the kanaima and accidentally / on purpose paralyzed you, while going on my killing spree” cards just yet . . .

“Is this because I watched your sex tape?”

“That depends.  Did you enjoy it?”

Regardless, Danny’s reaching out and calling to Jackson seems to break him out of his kanaima-fueled trance (just like Lydia was able to do last week) long enough to tell his best friend to RUN, if he sees him coming toward him at the game.  Solid advice, Kanaima man!

Meanwhile, Coach Crackhead is inexplicably quoting the 1996 classic Alien Invasion Film, Independence Day (starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman as . . . wait for it . . . the President of the United States) — a movie that the entire locker room is way too young to have possibly seen in theaters — in order to rev the team up for their big game.

“That Bill Pullman is SO dreamy!”

(Well, I guess the kanaima is kind of alien-looking, when you really think about it.  So, perhaps, the film reference isn’t quite as out there as it initially seemed.)

“Who you calling an ALIEN?”

Speaking of out there,  what the frack is Scott’s mom doing in the gym locker room, ogling naked teenage boys?  I mean sure, we needed to see her go tell Scott to “be a hero” or something, and tell him that she no longer thinks he’s hideous, just because he sometimes gets sideburns and a pointy face.  But couldn’t this have waited until the team got to the field?

“You can’t fight it, Stiles.  I know if I wait here long enough,  eventually you are going to have to take off your shirt.”

Then again, along with the Coach himself, and Grandpa Argent, Mama McCall is probably the only one old enough to get the Independence Day reference.  (I mean, Stiles got it.  But that kid has “film geek” written all over him.)

Speaking of pep talks, Grandpa Crazy Pants Argent pops in to slyly tell the lacrosse team to MURDER the opposition.  Of course, we all know full well he doesn’t give two craps about the game, and is only there to command Jackson, and seriously freak out Scott.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?  Well . . . nevermind.

Anyway, mission accomplished, old man.

In which Stiles plays well (both with himself and others) . . .

Beacon Hills . . . we have a problem.  You see, Scott McCall is our star werewolf lacrosse player.  He’s also our co-captain, and resident super-hero, tasked with protecting the WORLD from Kanaima Jackson the Killing Machine, who just so happens to be the team’s other co-captain.  So, what’s the problem, you say?

Well, basically the problem is that Scott CAN’T PLAY!

He can’t play because he’s a moron.  his grades don’t meet the minimum requirements to participate in high school sports . . .

This means that, not only is there a good chance the Beavers are going to LOSE this game, there’s also a good chance . . . wait for it . . . THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

This sounds like a job for Superman   Batman  Wolverine  Isaac Lahey?

“You were expecting someone taller?”

So, what’s his big plan?  Simple, he’s going to beat the crap out of everyone on his own team, so that the Coach has no choice but to play Scott, or risk forfeiting the game.

Wait . . . what?

Correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t know jack about lacrosse.  But doesn’t kicking your own teammates asses constitute some sort of a penalty, as in the kind of penalty that would get you thrown out of a game, before you REPEATED THE PROCESS ON ABOUT SIX PLAYERS?  It’s still kind of fun to watch, though . . .

Eventually, Isaac himself gets a taste of his own medicine (presumably from the Kanaima, himself, though he gets un-paralyzed surprisingly quickly, all things considered), and is pulled out of the game on a  stretcher.

That’s bad . . . (well, unless, of course, you were one of the players who didn’t end up getting beaten up because of it).

You know what’s very, very good, however?  STILES GETS TO PLAY!!!  (And not just with himself either, because he already did that twice today.)

And that causes Proud Papa Stilinski to have this reaction . . .

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Initially, Stiles kind of stinks up the joint on the field, which causes his personal cheering section to have this reaction . . .

But then, all of the sudden he’s AWESOME, which makes Lydia do THIS . . .

Seems like, if these keeps up, Stiles might be scoring in more ways than one, next season.  Hey, Lydia!  It’s high time you recognized the awesomeness of Stiles.  And, should you have any doubt in your mind that he is the right guy for you, might I remind you of the . . . size of his package?

*clears throat*

Hey Grandpa Crazy Pants!  I think it’s time to go back on your meds . . .

You see . . . it’s a pill container, and also a sundial . . . You gotta love old people and their trusty gadgets . . .

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t really understand how the Supersonic Werewolf Hearing Power works.  I mean, is it like a set of quality headphones, allowing you to drown out all crowd noises, in favor of the old geezer whispering sweet nothings in your ear from across the field?  And what about Grandpa himself, I mean, presumably he was speaking at normal volume.

He’s totally eye-f*&king you right now . . .

How come no one but Scott had to listen to him threaten to kill Coach Crackhead, Scott’s mom, and assorted others, if Scott didn’t deliver him Derek in a handbag (which would be a really great Christmas present . . . just saying. ;))?

I won’t dwell on this too long though.  What’s important here is that Beacon Hill WON THE GAME, even without Hero McCall!

This, of course, might prompt you to wonder where our hero had scampered off too, after Mini Hulk Isaac went through all that trouble to beat up his teammates.  Well, as it turns out he went to SAVE ISAAC from Gerard.

“You totally thought you were going to get to shove that up my ass, didn’t you?”

In short, it was a really nice case of You Scratch My Hairy Werewolf Back, I’ll scratch yours . . .

But I guess now you are wondering who Gerard ordered Jackson to kill at the end of the game.  And here’s the kicker, we still don’t know!  Because after the game ended all of the lights went out in the field!

And then, get this Jackson KANAIMA’ED HIMSELF!  (Way to take one for the team, Jackson . . . literally.)

So, does that mean everyone is safe then?  Well, maybe, maybe not, because, wait for it . . . STILES IS MISSING . . .

Talk about a cliffhanger, right except not really, because we all saw Stiles very much alive in the promo, and we all know that the writers would all probably rather cut their right arms off than kill Stiles, which is entirely understandable given the sheer extent of his awesomeness?

And that was pretty much, “Battlefield,” in a nutshell.  Soooo . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles t-shirts!]

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Scarred for Life – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Furor”

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STILES: “You know, Derek.  I sure am going to miss spending all these magical moments with you, when this show goes on hiatus.”

DEREK: “I think your wallet is digging into my thigh.”

STILES: “My . . . wallet?”  *whistles uncomfortably*

Greetings Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another.  (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)

“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!

So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .

[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]

In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .

So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?

“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”

“AHHHHH!  Worst . . . sex . . .  tape . .  . EVER!”

One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why.  Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies!  In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .

“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”

This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long.  Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!

“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed.  Soooo many dust bunnies.”

The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory.  So romantic!

After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.

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Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!

*cue the theme song from Titanic*

Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .

In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .

VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.  It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”

DEREK:  “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast.  Or maybe Aladdin.  He was kind of cool.”

Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had.  First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams.  (Does that make sense?)  I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist.  Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .

Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time!  In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.

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What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale.  It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .

The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber  FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life.  Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”

Talk about a rude awakening!  Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?

Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .

The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .

But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title.  You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . .  .

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(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf.  I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder?  Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian.  So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now.  Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)

So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha.  Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”

Yeah, because that’s a great idea!

Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .

In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .

Question:  How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?

Answer: You don’t.  But it sure is fun to try!

Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.

“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”

But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof.  This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.

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(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode?  NO ONE should trust Scott.  Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team.  See analysis above)

The result?  A break in the case!  Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS.  Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE,  where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.

Dude!  That’s what welcome mats are for!

Silly Creepy Camera Guy!  Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?

Just sayin . . .

Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you  guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.

“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”

And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers .  . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”

Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .

In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .

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Poor Allison!  As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH  . . .

You see, that’s the thing,  Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry.  It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments .  . .

In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own.  My theory?  Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent,  wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack.  And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .

ALLISON: “That’s weird.  Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”

GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*

What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.

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Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting.  And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born .  . . for real, this time.

At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face.  He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!)  He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.

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Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .

AHHH!  It’s ALIVE . . . again!

Message sent and received.  Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list.  Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness.  He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.

But Allison is not swayed.  She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.”  In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .

*sniffle, sniffle*

Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.

“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”

It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show.  Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .

“It’s like looking in a mirror.”

Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .

Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt.    It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture.  (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.)  That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play!  Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . .  .

“See?  I’m not all bad!”

In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .

A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.

Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .

You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department.  Don’t you think?  I mean sure, he started out kind of clever,  avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an  innocent.  But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.

More on this, in just a bit . . .

What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!  Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it.  So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .

And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions .  . .

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DEREK: “I think you just bit my nipple.”

STILES: “Did you like it?”

DEREK: “A little bit . . . yeah.”

But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.

However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness.  He wants a copy of the bestiary.  You all remember the bestiary, right?

It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them.  Later, during an office pillow talk session,  Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers.  That’s pretty clever, Derek!

DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”

STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”

DEREK: “F*%k no!  He tried to cut off your head, with his foot.  He can get his own.”

You know what else is clever?  Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .

.  . . but clever . . .

In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .

It’s around this point in the episode,  when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team.  I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned.  What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers.  It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?

Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people.  There’s something kind of circular in that, right?

“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche?  WTF!”

I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable .  . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool.  Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat.  Bummer!

But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!

The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .

Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his  weak murder motives.  But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage.  His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him .  . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.

They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.”  Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people.  Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .

Pretty frightening, right?

Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .

In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .

Silly Gerard!  Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .

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Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”

Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty.  Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself.  “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”

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Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears.  (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)

Then,  Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima.  It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.

“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”

Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes.  Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.

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“WEEEEEEEEE!  I’m flyinnnggggg!

But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year.  Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway.  Now, that’s just cold!

Hey, Matt.  Take a hint . . .

In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)

I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.

She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms.  The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .

The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout.  Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .

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“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”

It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .

In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .

Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.

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Of course, Derek is around to hear this exchange, and he is NOT amused . . .

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*single manly tear*

There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking.  Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy,  who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation.  And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit  .  . .

In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?”

“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”

The drowning scene was uncomfortably long.  And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.

Neither of these things actually happened.  What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.

Hand porn

My theory on this?  Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did.  This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .

Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high?  Because he HAS been.  And he’s been looking good doing it.  Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”

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MOMMY LIKE!

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees]

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The Killer Party – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Raving”

 

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Greetings, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive.  After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .

Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information.  We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master.  We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims .  . . what ties them together .  . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.

 

 

And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!

Color me impressed . . .

So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe,  because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here.  Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites:  teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf.  So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]

In ‘Da Club

 

Go Wolf Twins!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday.  We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .

Go shorty, it’s your birthday!  (But hopefully, not your 24th.)  Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills.  And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .

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 .  . . is going to be there.  This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!

Seriously?  Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses.  And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .

But that’s neither here nor there.  What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?).  And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened.  Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?

“Hi!  Welcome to my funeral!  Admission is $75 . . .”

The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them.  For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.

Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago,  back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad.  (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24.  But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)

“It is was a hard knock life for us.”

Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.

The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds.  However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.

Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?

“I got it!  I know who the Kanaima’s Master is!  It’s KAISER SOZE!”

We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth).  But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?

Confused yet?  There’s more!

The Puppet Master

OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations.  All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .

While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is!  Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).

The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master.  They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings.  So, what hurts one, hurts the other.  (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)

“Hey kids!  Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads!  Talk about a bargain.  (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket.  That’s for sure!)

Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .

Isaac gets a two-fist discount.  

Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf.  Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves.  They can’t fight Scott.  They can’t fight Derek.  They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison.  And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson.  (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern.  Four  =  these two are pathetic.)

But they are excellent at sleeping!

And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting.  When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too.  FREE!

Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face.  Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums.  Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?

The World may never know . . .

In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .

In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .

For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover.  “Who will she choose?”  The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.

Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.

For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family.  I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .

And Scott loves his mom .  . .

But Allison?  With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”)  Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be.  (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!)  I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves.  It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.

However, that all changed this week.  It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .

“Hey Allison!  You used to like playing with Barbie’s right?  Well, these are life size!  I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”

 . . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.

“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . .  .”

And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight.  And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”

Now, in Scott’s defense,  he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.

And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”

That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy.  For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp.  For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.

“Silly Scott!  And you’re supposed to be the smart one.  Oh wait, no your not.  Nevermind then.”

Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .

Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking  heatedly in an empty classroom.  All she was . . . well . .  “the heat.”  And so, instead, she looked like this . . .

That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch!  And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!

In much kinder and gentler news . . .

Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .

Good ole, Stiles.  Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .

 . .  . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!

And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”

If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .

Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .

But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .

Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?

Allow me to explain . . .

Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.”  So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and,  SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!

Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .

You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”

“Oh this?  This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”

However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave.  And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.

And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?

So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot.  Real nice!

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”

Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle.  But does Stiles get discouraged.  Heck no!  Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle.  And, just like that, HE DOES!  It’s magical . . .

 . . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.

I’ll let you know how that goes . . .

In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .

Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission.  “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.

You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course,  he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission!  (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy?  Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)

But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first.  Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them.  It’s time to do battle!

At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back.  You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.”  Now, I know the truth.  Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack.  On the contrary,  he’s Alpha’s Pet!  This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are.  Instead,  he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!

Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their  . . . weapons and stuff.

“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.”  Consider that a lesson learned.  Hey, you can’t win em all!

Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .

It’s Bump and Grind Time!

It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks.  Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it.  That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will,  if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .

Easier said than done . . .

I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.

And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes.  Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .

Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast.  It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle.  But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room.  But Poor Pathetic Isaac.  Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.

“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!

In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .

But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust!  The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson.  As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.

In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.

“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event.  Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.

This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die.  My theory?  Drowning!

It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .

It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .

Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.

 Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .

Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim.  Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .

“Go, BYE BYE!”

Hey, look on the bright side.  Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!

How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)

“I was going to kill the kanaima, but I got high . . . I was going to have sex with my girl, but I got high . . . now this scary lady is out to get me, and I know why . . . cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.”  This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee!  Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”

Real smooth, Matty-poo!

Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . .  “He came out of nowhere!  It was just an accident.”

Right?

WRONG!  As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .)  And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).

What happens next is a little shocking . . .

I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive.  What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .

In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing.  Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends.  I am!  All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . .  hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.

Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves.  Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season.  “One bite can change everything.”

This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant.  I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .

In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .

“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”

 . . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.”  But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway.  Is she a relative?  Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on?  Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?

Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions.  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – Now featuring Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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“That snake just came out of WHERE?!” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Restraint”

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Hey there, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Erica became the Catwoman to Stiles’ Batman, just in time to have her kitty-clawed arm twisted out of it’s socket.  Lydia had the unfortunate experience of having her “My Date with Emo” romantic comedy life, merge with her “I See Dead People (or rather the Same Dead Person, Over and Over Again) ” horror movie life, in a way that forced her to recognize that she might actually be Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

Jackson got to have snakes crawl in and out of every orifice of his body, like it was a jungle gym.  Big Bad Hoodie Guy reminded us why you should never EVER go to the hospital in Beacon Hills.  And Allison’s mom went really, REALLY overboard sharpening a pencil.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, thank you to MY Master . . . of screencaps that is, Andre!  Thanks for all of your hard work, and for not being at all evil.  I also appreciate your not making snakes come out of my eyeballs. ;)]

“Well, hello there soon-to-be-dead people we’ve never met!”

Ahhh, the good ole “Victim Extras Whose Soul Purpose in Life is to Die Terrible Horrible Deaths Just So We Know the Big Bad Means Business.”  It’s a tale as old as horror movie time.  But the writers of Teen Wolf took this one step further, by using these seemingly random and senseless deaths to actually add to the season’s over-arching mystery.

We open on a youngish married couple — late 20’s, early 30’s tops — who have recently fallen on hard times and have been forced to make their home in a particularly dingy trailer.  But wait, it’s about to get worse, when the husband of the couple goes out side to chat with a heretofore unseen Big Bad Hoodie Guy about some faulty lights, and ends up being (1) ripped from the ground by a giant snake; (2) murdered by said snake; and finally (3) shoved through the window of his trailer, so that his wife can look at the snake’s handiwork.

Same old, same old, right?  But here’s where things get interesting . .  . After doing away with the husband, the snake comes back inside the trailer to finish off the wife, who totally seems like a goner.  But then the camera pans down and we notice, at presumably the same time that the snake does that the wife is VERY pregnant.    So, we’re thinking.  “Great!  Two for one special for the Big Bad Snake.”

Except, it isn’t.  Because, for SOME reason — which I plan to speculate about in a bit — the snake has decided to show this pregnant lady mercy . . . for now.

So, what have we learned from this . . . I mean . . . aside from the obvious: ((1) Don’t talk to people in hoodies!  (2) Don’t park your trailer in the creepy woods! (3)  Getting knocked up might just save your life!)?  Well, we’ve learned that Kanaima Jackson, unlike his werewolf counterparts, is not just limited to his human and lizard form.  He’s a true shapeshifter, one that can morph into multiple types of reptiles, and possibly even animals from other species.  This is also the first time we’ve seen the Kanaima Puppet Master in Action, pulling Jackson’s strings from beneath a trademark Dark Hoodie Worn By Every Villain in Every Teen Horror Movie Ever.

And this guy (or girl?) means business . . .

The next day,  at school . . .

But what if Stiles has to pee?

I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but the moment I saw the trailer for this week’s episode — which hinted that the erstwhile kidnapped Kanaima Jackson convinced his parents to get a restraining order against Scott and Stiles — I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering how the heck that was going to work, when, by mere virtue of going to the same high school, Scott, Stiles and Jackson would nearly ALWAYS be within 500 feet of one another.  Well, apparently, the writers must have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it too.  Because they treated us to Stiles absolutely HILARIOUS speech about how Jackson’s restraining order could negatively impact his bodily functions . . .

“What if I have to pee?  And Jackson has to pee?  And the only two available stalls are right next to one another?”

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Of course, Jackson’s dad thought Stiles was being sarcastic and making light of the situation, which, knowing Stiles,  I suspect he was.  And yet, in a real Restraining Order situation the whole Pee Standing Up thing would actually become a genuine legal issue  . . . not to mention the fact that Jackson seems to have Every Single One of his Classes with Scott and Stiles despite the fact that Scott is a total mental midget, and would probably never place into the high-level type classes Stiles, Jackson and Lydia would take.

Mama McCall is understandably freaked out by her son’s foray into kidnapping, and even goes as far as to take away Scott’s most prize possession as punishment . . . his Stiles.  A Scott without his Trusty Sidekick / Wingman?  Now, that would be a sign of Teen Wolf’s impending cancellation the Apocalypse.  Though Scott comes awfully close to telling his mom the truth about why he’s seemingly acting like a total teen sociopath, Stiles coaxes his bestie out of the completely unbelieveable “The Lizard Thingy Made Me Do It” excuse, by navigating his pal toward a much more “believable” one, i.e.  “I’m just sad because I have a deadbeat dad.”

Way to guilt trip your mommy for being single, Scott!

Meanwhile, over at Wolfpack Hideaway 2.0 . . .

Derek is busy telling wolf pups Isaac and Erica (SERIOUSLY WHERE IS BOYD and who did he have to blow to get out of all these mandatory lecture sessions?) . . .

. . .  to “play nice” with Scott and Stiles, so that they’ll readily give up intel about the Kanaima.  Erica, who’s idea of “playing nice” typically involves “thinly-veiled propositions of sex disguised as not particularly credible threats to one’s safety” thinks this is a super idea, one that might just end up getting her impregnated, thereby contributing to the Wolf Bloodline.

Because everyone knows that if Jackson was a Hogwarts Wizard, he’d be a Slytherin

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this seemingly nonsensical,  not to mention utterly disgusting scene, in which Jackson impressively charms a Class Pet snake . . .and then SWALLOWS IT HOLE.  I wish I could say this was a metaphor for sex, but it SO wasn’t.

You’re welcome.

In which the sight of Naked Jackson eliminates my ability to come up with a clever subheading for this section . . .


I’ve showed it once before, but it bears repeating . . .

It turns out that Derek’s wolf pups aren’t the only ones trying to “squeeze intel” out of the opposition.  Based on further research regarding the Kanaima, Team Scott n’ Stiles decide that it’s actually a “good creature” most of the time.  And by “good creature” I mean it still murders people, but only really, really bad ones . . . kind of like that Dexter guy on the Showtime series . . .  So, why is Jackson’s Kanaima such a total douche, they wonder?

Well, obviously, it has something to do with the fact that Kanaima Jackson’s Master is clearly a douche.  Oh, and did I mention that Jackson is also .  . . at least about 98.999% of the time a douche?  I don’t know . . . the answer to this one seems pretty darn obvious to me.  I mean, if it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and looks like a lizard . . .

Nevertheless, Scott and Stiles are willing to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, and blame shoddy parenting on his sociopathy / lizardy tendency to KILL EVERYONE, even members of his own kind . . .  Except, in order to make this hypothesis stick, they need to first figure out what happened to Jackson’s bio parents .  . .

Not surprisingly, Stiles hits up Jackson’s ex, Lydia for information.  Unfortunately, the Jackson-centric portion of Lydia’s genius, but increasingly addled brain is a locked vault.

Lydia is loyal to Jackson and his secrets, because, in between verbally and emotionally abusing her, Jackson occasionally gives her nice kisses . . .

Erica overhears this exchange take place, and decides that it’s the perfect time to swoop in and “play nice.”  She tells Stiles that she just might have the information he’s seeking.  But when Stiles does run straight into Erica’s waiting tongue and / or lodge his head in between her boobs, girlfriends gets pissed, pushes him up against the wall, and tries to claw off his face.  So much for “playing nice.”

Fortunately, for Erica, Stiles, who’s kind of used to this sort of abuse, take this precursor to date rape in stride.  He even throws a little comic book humor into the mix for good measure!

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Elsewhere, Scott is taking a makeup chemistry test.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t hallucinate scary questions onto it, like last time.  (Wait, now that I think about it, that might have actually been an important plot point.  More on that later.)

Also elsewhere, Allison is busy stalking Jackson near the boy’s locker room, when she runs into her own personal stalker Creepy Camera Guy.  It’s like a Stalker Circle Jerk!  Creepy Camera Guy awkwardly invites Allison to a rave.  And I have to wonder if it’s at the same gay club the cast visited last week . . . because . . . let’s face it, no matter how many unflattering close-up shots, Creepy Camera Guy takes of Allison’s face, he’s not fooling ANYBODY!

Speaking of folks who enjoy gay porn, Allison hears a scream coming from the locker room, and rushes in to find a Wet and Naked Jackson just, for lack of a better term, hanging out by the showers.

Can I get a heck yeah?  This might very well be the best looking lizard thingy I have ever seen!

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Ab-tastically beautiful, though he might be, Jackson has some not so kind things to say to Allison about the state of her relationship with Scott.   In short, he thinks it’s soon-to-be about as dead as that random guy from the first scene of this  episode.  Then Jackson gets up in Allison’s face,  and tackles her . . . but not in a sexy, “I’m the perpetually naked high school jock in the smash hit porno flick, High School Humpsical.”  In fact, the whole scene is pretty darn dark and terrifying.

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To Scott’s credit, the minute his wolfy senses note a shift in Allison’s pulse, he immediately (and correctly) assumes that his girlfriend is in danger, without ever once considering the possibility that the heartrate increase is the result of Allison and Jackson . . . um . . . playing find the lizard with one another? He speeds through his exam.  (OK, this dude is never graduating . . . ever!)  And then rushes to the locker room to be Allison’s Knight and Shining Werewolf once again . . .

Back on top of Allison, Jackson is beginning to return to his non-Kanaima senses, and figures out that body tackling your “friends” and calling them b*tches is NOT cool.

Of course, this realization might have come too late, because it’s Scott to the rescue!

Rumble in the Restroom!

“I have a restraining order!” Jackson screams frantically, as Scott storms toward him.

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Non-Kanaima Jackson has always been a bit of a wuss . . .

“Trust me, I’m using restraint,” replies Scott.  (Wow, that was actually clever.  All this time hanging out with Stiles, might have finally paid off.)

Look, it’s a commercial for Immodium!

Sinks are being ripped out of wall sockets, lockers are being knocked over, water and cement particles are flying everywhere.  It’s a supernatural Battle Royale!

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Meanwhile, outside, Erica is trying her hands at “playing nice” with Stiles’ again, but it’s hard to tell whether she’s being for real, or if it’s simply part of Derek’s plan.  Erica admits to Stiles that, back before she was a Werewolf Slutbag, she had a major crush on him, which is sweet.

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Fake or not, it’s precisely the kind of thing Stiles’ needs to hear every once in a while . . . that he’s not invisible . . . that he’s more than just “Scott’s friend,” that girls notice and pine over him, the same way he notices and pines over Lydia.  We all need to hear that sometimes, don’t we?

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But then, Stiles sees water seeping from the Men’s Locker Room, and it’s “Danger, Danger, Scott McCall!”  Within minutes, the fight is literally taken outside in the hallway, and Stiles, Erica, Allison, and, oddly enough, Creepy Camera Guy, who was “just happening by,” rush into the fray to “Stop the Violence.”

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No good deed goes unpunished.  And their effort results in the entire gang getting detention thanks to Positively No One’s Favorite Chemistry Teacher . . .

Meanwhile, back at Scott’s house, Mama McCall starts not-so-subtly rummaging through Scott’s room to find out why he’s seemingly become a sociopath overnight.  She doesn’t need to look hard, before she finds a HUGE, ECONOMY SIZE and very nearly empty, box of condoms just sitting right there on the counter.

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On one hand, WAY TO GO, SCOTT!  YOU STUD!  On the other, really kid, how dumb can you be?  Hide your condoms in the false bottom of your teddy bear, or at least in the bottom of your sock drawer like everybody else . . .

Because everyone who’s seen The Breakfast Club knows that one detention can change EVERYTHING!

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Detention in the library for the Princess, the Jock, the Rebel, the Basketcase, and the Nerd . . . OK, maybe not . . . maybe it’s just Scott, Stiles, Jackson, Allison, Erica, and Creepy Camera Guy . . . close enough!  Scott and Stiles cleverly note that having Jackson sit at their table violates his restraining order, prompting Chemistry Teacher to move him to the next table.  Seriously?  Worst enforcement of a restraining order, EVER!

While the Chemistry Teacher is gone, the Supper Club uses this time for their own personal research.  Creepy Camera Guy researches the Kanaima based on intel he stole from Scott’s (?) iPad.  Erica, who’s dad is an insurance provider or something, looks up Jackson’s parents death, and confirms that they died in a car accident the day BEFORE Jackson was born.  This means either that Jackson was C-Sectioned out of his mother’s dead body, or something is seriously amiss here.

Speaking of seriously amiss, Jackson is starting to look super sick and headachey . . .

Oh, look, it’s a Tylenol commercial!

 . . . so he dashes out to REMOVE THE SNAKE FROM EYEBALL! WHY, WRITERS, WHY?

Elsewhere, Scott’s mom chats with Mama Argent at school, about the very real possibility that Scott and Allison might be not-so-much broken up and boning.  This prompts Mama Argent to sharpen a pencil to a size that I suspect is supposed to represent Scott’s weiner, so that she can wave it around like a not particularly well-endowed cast member of Magic Mike.  Now, that’s just cold!

Bite sized?

Later, Mama Argent calls Scott to the office, and warns him to keep it in his pants . . . literally.  She’s a real sweetheart, this one . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles wonders if Creepy Camera Guy is the Kanaima Master, just because he’s creepy, which, I guess is a good enough reason . . . it’s why I always used to suspect him.

On the other hand, moments later we get confirmation that the Chemistry Teacher drives the car with Einstein bumper sticker . . . the one the Kanaima was fondling a few episodes back.  This would suggest that HE is the actual Kanaima Master.  And yet, I think we’d all love to be proven wrong about this.  It all just seems too obvious.  Plus, from a nitpicker’s standpoint, Chemistry Teacher seems so much taller than Big Bad Hoodie Guy, who actually looks like it might be a woman . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

On the other hand, the Kanaima Master uses a trick of mental manipulation on Jackson that we’ve only seen before in the context of the Chemistry Teacher.  Remember I told you about Scott, and that weird test, with the ever changing answers?  Well, now the spines of Jackson’s books are talking to him, and telling him to take a nap, so the Kanaima can resume control, and do it’s duty.

He obeys . . .

The next thing you know, a half-lizard, half-zombie, half-whatever Jackson is zipping around the room, destroying everything in his path, and venoming Matt and Erica, the latter of whom promptly starts seizing again, something we haven’t seen her do, since she was turned.

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Then, the THING, whatever it is, writes a warning on the board for everyone still conscious.  It says, more or less, don’t get in my way or I’ll kill you.

I don’t know about you guys, but I believe him.  As a rule, I generally don’t like to involve myself with people who swallow snakes, and then proceed to poop them out of their eyeballs.

Then again, maybe that’s just me . . .

When all is said and done, Scott and Stiles decide to take the seizing Erica to Derek, while Allison waits with Creepy Camera Guy.  Scott and Allison, of course, make a huge deal about splitting up for a couple of hours, as if doing so symbolizes the beginning of the end of their relationship.

“Chill out, I’m just going to the bathroom!”

We can dream, can’t we?  And, because this is TV, maybe it does . . .

Flower Guy is Peter / Peter is Lydia / Lydia is Flower Guy / Lydia is Peter Corpse, a.k.a. WTF!

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Elsewhere,  Lydia and her weird new “boyfriend” who no one has ever seen but her, make plans to meet near his house, which seemed to just suddenly appear out of nowhere, fully formed behind  Lydia’s own.  Creepo tells Lydia to bring his wolfsbane flower on her date.  But she’s lost it, and can’t seem to find any in her garden .  . . probably because Creepo pulled that flower out of his ass . . .

In a trance, Lydia walks behind her house, and comes upon a really nice house, that’s completely empty inside, save for some leaves and debris.  What’s with people in this town and empty homes?  Doesn’t anyone here like furniture?  Just wait . . . all will be explained in a bit . . .

Lydia meets her creepo in the middle of the house, and apologizes about the flower.  It’s all very dreamlike and surreal probably because none of it is actually real.  The pair randomly start making out . . . yeah, because that’s how most of us would react to a guy we just met, who gave us a dinky flower, and invited us alone to his unfurnished serial killer lair . . .

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Lydia, I’m disappointed in you!  I thought you were supposed to be smart.

But wait . . . this isn’t a new, nice house at all . . . it’s that OTHER unfurnished house . . . Derek’s, the same one Lydia was drawn toward, when she escaped naked into the woods from the hospital, which suggests that this has been Lydia’s “neighbor” all along.  The Hale house . . . Lydia’s hallucination of the place was probably a depiction of what it looked like before the fire charred it all up.

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You know what else isn’t looking so hot anymore.  Creepo . . . probably because now he’s Dead Burned-Up Peter.  Apparently, Lydia’s bite has had the impact of allowing Lydia to see how everything Hale looked prior to the fire . . . Peter included.  In other words, Creepo is nothing more than a Young Peter.  And Young Peter, just like the nice-looking Hale house, no longer exists. He’s been a figment of Lydia’s imagination all along.

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Or has it?

You see, in the scene that follows, a charred up looking Peter informs an oddly unemotional, under the circumstances, Lydia that her unique immunity to the bite, will mean big things for Peter.  Apparently, she’s going to do something for him.  But what, revive him?  Allow him to possess her body, in a way, that, to some extent he already has?  The scene was purposefully unclear in this respect.  All we know is that Peter’s nasty ass decaying body is currently buried beneath the Hale house.  The question is, for how much longer will it stay there?

“You make a good Batman.”

Over at Derek’s lair, hot stuff looks so incredibly sexy, when he’s playing Barbarian Witch Doctor,  breaking poor Erica’s arm to leech the toxins from it.

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Meanwhile, the poor girl cries out in pain, and Stiles holds her gently, a look of fear and genuine concern on his face.  Erica’s eyes flutter as she looks up at Stiles.  “You make a good Batman,” she tells him.

Oh, this chick is good . . . using pickup lines, mid-seizure, while your arm is being pulled out of it’s socket . . . that’s gotta deserve some kind of reward.

Later, Scott tells Derek that he’s willing to join the latter’s pack for the sole purpose of locating Jackson and the Master, [provided they do it “HIS WAY.”   Aww, it looks like the gang’s getting back together again.  How sweet!

You know what’s not so sweet though, that poor mom, who just gave birth in the hospital, only to have Big Bad Hoodie Guy snuff out her life with a pillow, which,  as far as deaths go, is so much less cool than Dismemberment by Snakes . . .

But hey, you Kanaima win em’ all, right?  Until next time, Werebangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“A Tale of Two Kanaimas” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Venomous”

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Kanaima.

Kanaima who?

I Kanaimake sense of what Lydia wrote on the board. 

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Oh . . . that’s better.

Howdy, Werebangers!  Five episodes into the season, and we’ve already solved one of Teen Wolf’s biggest mysteries: Who’s the Kanaima? (Hint: It’s not This Guy . . .)

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You know, one of the things I love most about this show . . . well . . . aside from the obvious . . .

. . . is its willingness to challenge TV conventions.  By all estimates, “Venomous” was a high – octane hour of whodunnit-type television that could have easily served as a season finale.  Like many finales, “Venomous” offered action, intrigue, and a mass murder mystery, which resulted in a standoff that pitted nearly every major cast member against one another.  And of course,  it ended by answering a HUGE question that had been plaguing the series since the first episode of this season.

“You mean to tell me I’m that asshat lacrosse-playing douche!  Thanks, a lot!” 

But perhaps the best thing about “Venomous” is that it WASN’T a  finale.  And that is a very good thing . . . because for every question this episode answered for us Teen Wolf fans, it posed about three more.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, my own personal screencapping genius, for everything you see here.]

Who’s the dumbbell, now?

The episode begins with a very (sexually?) frustrated Jackson struggling under the weight of a seemingly puny barbbell.

“Come on, Jackson.  You can do it!  Lift that five-pound weight!”

This, understandably confuses Jackson, who, just a day or so ago, had been able to lift up a car with his bare hands.

It’s just another one of those things that sets Jackson apart from his wolfy companions, who, even in human form, can exhibit bouts of superhuman strength, pretty much, anytime.  Jackson’s “strength” on the other hand, only seems to come out at night, and is sporadic, even then.

When Danny grows bored with his wimpy cranky friend, he exits stage left.  (Can you blame him?)  This gives Derek’s lame-o wolfpack members, Tweedledee and Tweedle dumb boobs, an opening to perform their kidnapping of the Lacrosse Co-Captain, who they obediently cart off to their maker.

“I don’t want to join your Mickey Mouse Wolf Club, OK?  So stop asking.”

“Are you sure?  All members get a free t-shirt!” 

Suspecting Jackson (the pack member that never was) of being the Kanaima, Derek feeds him a drop of venom that he somehow collected from the poolhouse.

“Open wide for the choo-choo train!”

“Good boy.  Now, play dead.” 

Derek’s (WRONG!) theory is that, if Jackson is immune to the venom, he must be the Kanaima.  Unfortunately for Derek, Jackson is not-so-much immune, and spazzes out on the floor, before becoming completely immobile.  Oops!  I guess that means it’s back to the drawing board for our good pal, Derek.

Wolfy Isaac, who’s kind of been put to waste as a character, having been given little to do on the show, aside from make weird faces . . . and repeatedly get his ass kicked . . .

 . . . however, is not quite through with Jackson.  There’s still the little matter of the latter recanting his story to the cops about seeing Isaac and his father fighting on the night of his father’s Kanaima-inspired murder.  Conveniently enough, this little favor allows newly free man Isaac to return to school, so that he can do Derek’s bidding out in the open.  How nice for him!

“It’s a Matching Leather Jacket Party, and you’re not invited!”

Someone help Lydia . . . please

Also at school, Lydia is still suffering from waking Alpha nightmares.  This most recent one, involves the Alpha scribbling strange circular messages for her on a chalk board, while all her classmates look at her, like she’s nuts.

“It’s funny how in Lydia’s daydreams I’m really good at math.  Because, in real life, I didn’t even know how to read.” 

“Awk-warrddd!” 

Unfortunately, for Lydia, it turns out that last part isn’t exactly a dream.  She returns to real time to find that she’s written “Someone help me” backwards across the chalkboard instead of the math equation she was SUPPOSED to solve.  Hey Lydia, it could be worse.  You could be naked . . . like last time.

Things become crystal clear (Maybe .  . .)

In chemistry class, Derek’s pack (except for Boyd, who always seems to get a pass from these lame Wolfy Games) torments Scott, Allison and Stiles, while keeping an eye on Lydia,  who has now become their top Kanaima suspect.

For about the 18,000th time this season, Erica aggressively throws herself at Scott . .  .

Source 

. . .  and totally “Regina George’s” her nemesis, Allison.

Poor naive, Erica.

I have a book you might find interesting .  . .

Speaking of rejection, it seems poor Isaac has a little angry hard-on for our friend Lydia, ever since the latter rejected in middle school, and made him cry.

“You wouldn’t reject me, would you, Stiles?”

Lydia’s protector and perpetual unlikely hero, Spiderman Stiles has something to say about that . . .

Source

Sadly though, no amount of words can protect Lydia from a lying-in-wait Derek, when she unwittingly ingests venom, during chemistry class, and experiences none of its paralyzing side effects.

“Gnom-nom-nom.  Mmm . . . venom cystal.  Yummy!” 

“Grrrrr.” 

Uh oh, Scooby Gang!  It’s time for Plan B!

Operation: Save the Butterfly

During her shrink session, Lydia stubbornly tells Dead Maya from Pretty Little Liars / Dead Emily from The Vampire Diaries that every inkblot picture in her Rorschach Test looks like a butterfly, even the one that OBVIOUSLY was made to resemble a wolf, and the one that sort of/kind of resembles her recently deceased Alpha “boyfriend.”

“Butterflies are pretty.” 

“That one might still be a caterpillar.” 

Meanwhile, in a surprise move,Jackson joins forces with, as he calls them “Testicle One” and Testicle Two” (How fitting!) . . .

“Believe it or not, you two actually do vaguely resemble my testicles.”

 . . . to protect Lydia from the Wrath of Derek, which he was unlucky enough to recently experience for himself.  Of course, Jackson still has his own selfish motives in mind.  He’s still using Creepy Photographer Guy and Danny to uncover the lost footage on his sleepytime not-so-sex tape, which he suspects Lydia might have “edited” for him.  After all, she DOES have a key . .  .  (How else could she regularly sneak into his house and watch The Notebook?)

As far as plans go, Scott’s plan to save Lydia from Derek and Co. is surprisingly well thought out, despite the fact that Scott, while a nice guy, has always been a bit of a mental midget.  The first part of the plan involves attempting to prove to Derek that Lydia ISN’T actually the Kanaima, before school lets out.  It is randomly determined that shrinkypoo reads Latin.  So, Allison goes to her, in an attempt to translate the Bestiary page on Kanaimas.

How come the kanaima in this book, looks like the werewolf in last season’s book? 

Now, this seems like a throwaway scene, but it’s actually important.  Shrinkypoo notes that, while wolves seek pack affiliation, Kanaimas are always on the hunt for a single “friend,” to make them feel less lonely.  And thus, the theory of the two Kanaimas is born .  . .

Elsewhere Derek tries (and fails) to talk Derek out of wanting to kill Lydia.  Why?  You ask.  Well, for one thing, Scott really has no way of proving that Lydia isn’t actually the Kanaima.  For another . . . ummm . . . Derek just REALLY seems to like killing people  .  . .

Source 

Scott’s theory, like the one Jackson, himself, had earlier, is that Lydia is somehow immune to wolf bites, and passed that immunity on to Jackson.

Cocky Derek doesn’t like the idea of ANYONE being immune to his sexy saliva.  Derek has a different theory, and here it is: some people who are bit by werewolves, become OTHER TYPES OF SHAPESHIFTERS, that better reflect their personality.  You know, like Isaac becomes a wolf with no eyebrows.  Erica becomes a wolf that isn’t really a wolf, but still has pointy teeth.  And “Lydia” becomes a rather masculine looking snake . . . because she’s a b*tch.

Interesting theory, Derek . . . it would kind of fly in the face of traditional werewolf lore, though . . .

When Phase One of the plan fails, it’s time for Phase Two: bring Lydia to Scott’s house (his mom’s never home,  anyway), and hide the accused lizard there .  . . without telling her why, of course.

An eye-opening discovery

While the rest of the Scooby Gang (even Jackson) whisk Lydia away, Scott gets accosted by Coach Crackpot for “not protecting Danny’s equipment.”  Coach Crackpot thinks that Scott should protect Danny’s equipment all the time.  Unfortunately, for some of you, I’m not actually talking about Danny’s weiner.  I’m talking about his actually equipment . . . as in “lacrosse uniform,” which was ripped clean in half, following the last game.

“That’s hot.” 

So, is DANNY the Kanaima, due to his miraculous fabric-ripping skills.  Apparently, not.  When Scott confronts Danny in the library, we learn that HE had lent his uniform to none other than Jackson, during the game, while he played the position of goalie.  Hmm . . .

Speaking of Danny, it seems everyone’s favorite Teen Wolf gay has developed a bit of a crush on Creepy Photographer Guy, who plays for his team (lacrosse), but may or may not play for his “TEAM,” if you catch my drift . . .

Together, the two manage to restore the lost footage from Jackson’s camera.  And it is . . . as I hinted before rather “eye opening.”

“Wazzzzzzup!” 

Of course, we still don’t know who edited the tape in the first place.  Though these two (Danny and Creepy) clearly have the werewithal to do it themselves . . .

Oh, P.S. Creepy Photographer guy just figured out that whole, “Scott can’t take pictures anymore, because he’s a werewolf” thing.  BUSTED!

Erica gets OWNED . . .

In one of my favorite moments in the episode, Stiles adorably barricades Scott’s house to protect Lydia from Derek’s pack, while the Scooby Gang waits for Scott to return home.

 However, try as they might, it doesn’t take long for Tweedledee and Tweedledumbboobs to enter the house.    (Again, how come Boyd never has to do the dirty work?  Is he too cool for this?)

Anywhoo, Wolfy Erica, who’s sole new personality trait seems to be “Slutty B*tch” takes this opportunity, once again to threaten Allison with stealing Scott from her, despite the fact that Scott seems like he’d probably prefer to make out with Derek or Stiles . . . or anyone else in the cast really, over Erica.  Earlier Erica teased that she was “a little bit psychic,” and that’s why she knew that Sallison wasn’t really going to work out.

But her psychic powers seem to have a bit of a blind spot.  Because she definitely didn’t count on Allison shooting her with a venom coated bow and arrow.  (Where did these guys get all this extra venom from?)

Within minutes, Erica is down for the count.

“This is the part where I have my way with you.”

 Now that’s some powerful venom!  Just a little bit on the fingers (or in the mouth . . . like Jackson), and wolves are apparently paralyzed from the neck down . . . which confuses me, because I thought the Kanaima needed to scratch the victim’s spinal column, in order to get that result (as he did with Hot Black Argent, Douchey Grease Monkey, and Derek).

After all, wasn’t Stiles still able to call 911, after HE touched the evil venom?

Anywhoo, you can imagine Derek’s frustration when Tweedledee and Tweedledumbbumbs, both incapacitated by Kanaima venom are haphazardly tossed out of Scott’s house, like yesterday’s trash . . .

“It’s naptime . . . again.” 

At some point, during all this, Scott finally arrives back home for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for . . .

The key to the Mystery

Meanwhile,  Jackson takes Lydia into Scott’s room to confront her about having the key to his house / possibly editing his Werewolf Porn video, while he slept.  Lydia denies having the key, or any knowledge of said video.  But Jackson’s newfound “powers” seem to enable him to sense that she’s lying, simply by staring at her boobs.  Impressive!

This, of course leads to the two of them making out, which is surprisingly hot . . . possibly because this is the first time I’ve seen Jackson show ANY emotion apart from “whiny and generally pissed off.”  I honestly didn’t know he had it in him  . . .

“Has anyone ever told you, your tongue is a little lizardy?” 

While the pair is making out, Jackson gets a bit of a rash .  . . a rash that looks suspiciously like Lizard Scales . . . Ruh roh!

“Remind me to stop rolling around naked in the poison ivy.” 

 I smell KANAIMA!

Alpha to Alpha, and Kanaima to Kanaima

In the final scene of the episode, Derek hits on Scott, by telling him that he is the Alpha to his own pack (referring, I guess, to Allison, Stiles, Lydia and Jackson).  Too bad flattery is useless on Scott, who just looks confused.

“Hot guy say WHAT?” 

 Then again, maybe that’s because there’s a Lizard Thingy on the roof of his house . . .

“Hey guys!  Miss me?” 

Seconds later, Lydia pops out, wondering why she wasn’t invited to this party, thereby proving once and for all, that she’s not the Kanaima.

“It’s Jackson,” mutters Captain Obvious Scott, just in case some of the fans of the show are particularly slow.

But wait!  You say!  Jackson was paralyzed by the Kanaima venom Derek took from the pool last week. And Jackson is a good swimmer, whereas THAT Kanaima fears water.

This, of course, brings me back to the “Two Kanaimas” theory.  A theory that seems all but confirmed in the final scene, in which Kanaima Jackson sidles up to a car, in which he seems to find the “friend” he’s been looking for, all along.

“Yo!  What up, dog!  Give me some skin!” 

But who’s the friend?  All we know about him so far, is that he has an Eisenstein bumper sticker, and wears black gloves.  Is it the Nerdy Chemistry Teacher, who hates Stiles, and loves quoting Einstein?

Is it the Kid Outside the Shrink’s office, who complimented Lydia’s pink gloves?  Is it Shrinkypoo, who knew the Kanaima needed a friend?  Or is it Creepy Photographer Guy, who seems the most likely editor of Jackson’s Wolf Porn video?

It looks like we may have to wait until next week to find out.

Source 

See you then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

“You messed with Elena . . . BAD MOVE!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Isobel”

OK.  So, right off the bat, I’ll admit that the title to this recap is a tad misleading.  After all, it implies that “the good guys” (Salvatore squared) won the “battle,” at the conclusion of the episode.   Because, interestingly enough, they sort of didn’t.  And yet, the fact that these words were uttered by a sexy open – shirted DAMON . . .

about ELENA was enough to make me squeal and bounce up and down on my couch like a 13-year old girl.  (Seriously, I was a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS to watch this episode with — squealing, chirping, laughing out loud, and clapping my hands all the way through.  It’s probably a good thing that I watched it alone . . . ) 

So, of course, I had to use this line as the title of my recap.  Then again, there was ANOTHER line, later in the episode, that made me squeal even LOUDER than this one — one that I would have liked to use as my title even MORE.  But we’ll get to that later . . .

We should probably get started, before I completely lose the ability to craft coherent sentences, and start typing in ALL CAPS . . . .

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Conveniently enough, this episode began where last week’s left off.  Specifically, Alaric . . .

was sitting in a bar getting sloshed . . . (Is it just me, or has Mr. History Teacher been spending A LOT of time at the bar lately?  Life got ya down, Alaric?  Not enough sex = too much DRINKY- DRINKY?  Do you think we need to stage an intervention, Dr. Drew?)

Celebrity Rehab – Friends of Vampires Edition airs tomorrow night on VH1

Anyway, Alaric is busy getting wasted, when he is basically accosted by his once-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually- a-vampire-sort-of-ex-wife, Isobel.  (Try saying that three times fast!)

Now, I have to say, based on the few things I had read online, and what I saw from the previews, I assumed that Isobel would be bad ass.  I just wasn’t expecting the SHEER extent of her BAD ASSEDNESS.  This woman was PURE EVIL INCARNATE, for all but about the last two minutes of this episode (more on those later).  Isobel was so void of any humanity or empathy for her fellow man or vampire, that she made DAMON look like this puppy dog .

Equally adorable?  Perhaps.  But I’m willing to bet this pup looks no where near as good with IT’S shirt off !

So when drunken Alaric sees Isobel, he understandably gets all teary-eyed and blubbery.  He desperately wants to have the “I loved you!  Why did you leave me, and ruin me for all women, you heartless TURD” – type conversation with Isobel – a conversation that would have totally made sense coming from this guy . . .

We REALLY do miss you, Dawson of Dawson’s Creek.  We just happen to miss PACEY more . . .

But EVIL ISOBEL is having NONE of that!  She doesn’t give two sh&ts about her once-husband’s feelings!  She just wants to see, Elena!  You know, HER DAUGHTER!  The one she gave up for adoption . . . the same daughter that Isobel was so intent on NOT seeing a few episodes back, that she made some random dude KILL HIMSELF to “send a message”   that a family reunion was simply not in the cards.  When Alaric refuses to orchestrate Isobel’s and Elena’s reunion, Isobel basically threatens to KILL ALARIC’S ENTIRE HISTORY CLASS, if he doesn’t comply with her wishes . . .

“Ummmm . . . Mr. Saltzman, is it too late to transfer to Shop Class?  I’m thinking that regularly placing my hands beneath a massive power saw is a safer bet for me, right now . . .

Scooby, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU? (Hopefully not being eaten by vampires . . .)

Ruh, roh!

A freaked out Alaric summons the rest of the Scooby Gang to his classroom after hours, in order to orchestrate their plan of attack.  Damon arrives last on the scene.  And the 13-year old girl in me, who had been quiet throughout the Alaric / Isobel exchange, starts SQUEALING in full force once again, when Damon cocks his eyebrows in utter concern, and says to Elena, “You don’t have to see her, if you don’t want to.”

But Elena does want to see Isobel.  After all, the latter is her biological mother.  The two make plans to meet up at.  Where, you ask?  Well, at the ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS, of course! 

A vampire walks into a bar AGAIN . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)

 An understandably freaked out Elena, totes Stefan along for the meeting.  He stands idly by, playing pool, just out reach. However, he can hear everything, thanks to those super sensitive vampire ears of his.  Bromantic Buddies, Alaric and Damon, wait impatiently outside, just in case some vampire ass needs kicking . . .

But Damon, I REALLY need a drink!  I haven’t been to The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls in OVER six hours.  Can’t we go in?

And if you thought for a second that Isobel would be kinder and gentler to Elena, seeing as she is her DAUGHTER (because I TOTALLY thought she would be), you are about to be proven WRONG!

Just as she did with Alaric, Isobel threatens Elena.  “Get me what I want, or I will kill everyone you care about,” she, more or less, says to her daughter.

And what does she want?  That random Civil War Era invention created by Wacky Ancestor Gilbert.  The same invention coveted by Creepy Uncle John (who is apparently in cahoots with Isobel, because . . . well, you’ll find out in a bit).

This is also the same invention that the now Dead-Dead Pearl, gave to Damon for safe keeping.  Elena tells Isobel this is a “no can do,” seeing as Damon doesn’t answer to ANYBODY but himself.  “You underestimate Damon’s feelings for you,” remarks Isobel.  (Hold your ears, VD fans! That awful sound you are hearing is ME, squealing with joy, yet again!)

Before leaving the bar, Isobel makes one last parting shot at Elena’s increasingly intense “dude situation.”  “Why are you with Stefan?  Why didn’t you go for Damon, instead?  Unless of course, you want them both .  . . just like Katherine.”

The OTHER La Casa de Rich and Awesome

Isobel arrives back at her La Casa de Rich and Awesome (2.0), to find Damon making himself at home, and playing strip poker with Isobel’s brainwashed porn-star esque human pets.  (The fact that Isobel interrupted this game, before Damon could take off his pants, just makes me hate her MORE!)  At first, it looks as though these two might mess around with one another.  After all, the fact that they have a sexual history together is OBVIOUS.  And, admittedly, the chemistry between the two characters is palpable, in a Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, sort of way.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Iso-bitch?”

BTW, WHO did Dustin Hoffman’s character end up with at the end of that movie?  THE DAUGHTER!

Just saying . . .

But just when it seems like Isobel and Damon are about to get it on, Damon THROWS her ass on the floor (and NOT in a foreplay way).  “You messed with Elena . .  . BAD MOVE!  (WEEEEEE!  Sorry, that was me, not him . . .)  And I DO like to kill the messenger. Because it sends a message,” threatens Damon, throwing Isobel’s own hurtful words back in her face, before refusing to give up the Crazy Invention.  “If Katherine wants something, tell the little b&tch, she can come and get it herself.”

YES!  Damon actually used the “B” word in reference to the supposed love of his life, Katherine.  He is SO TOTALLY on Team Elena now!

Bad Hair Day, Bad Personality Day . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie (who now has unflattering bangs that don’t complement her bone structure AT ALL) has been treating Elena like total crap, lately. 

I couldn’t find a picture of Bonnie’s Bad ‘Do ANYWHERE!  (Not even on BING, CW!)  So I had to post this perfectly nice picture of the girl, even though I am REALLY mad at her right now!

She even ignored her supposed BFF, when she found her crying at the bar, after that traumatic Mommy Encounter.  However, later in the episode, Bonnie relents and visits Elena at her house.  After the two hug, and Elena dishes about her Evil Mommy, Bonnie actually provides her with some valuable information about the Crazy Invention.  Apparently, Old Ancestor Gilbert wasn’t a talented inventor at all.   He was just some Loony Old Coot with a hatred for vamps.  So, Bonnie’s ancestor, Witch Emily . . .

 . . . in an effort to protect the townspeople, put spells on all of Ancestor Gilbert’s inventions to make them “magical.”   The Crazy Invention was made into a weapon to KILL VAMPIRES!

A vampire walks into a float preparation event . . .

To prove to Elena that she means business regarding the Crazy Invention, EVIL ISOBEL, causes Matt . . .

 . . . to break his wrist, and KIDNAPS Elena’s little bro, Jeremy!

Fortunately, Elena has a plan to save him . . .

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (the original), Elena explains to the Salvatore brothers that Bonnie has the power to remove Emily’s original spell from the Crazy Invention, making it useless.  Therefore, Elena can give it to Isobel and save Jeremy, without causing any repercussions for the vampire community.  Initially, Damon is a bit skeptical, seeing as Bonnie hates his guts.  “You’re right, you can’t trust me,” remarks Bonnie angrily.

“But you can trust me,” says Elena, solemnly. 

Then the two share ONE SERIOUSLY HOT LOOK, before Damon hands over the Crazy Invention to Elena.  Their hands brush against one another, as the object is passed between them.  And my throat is officially sore from squealing so much.

So, Bonnie does her little magic floaty thing on the Crazy Invention, and pronounces it cured of all vampire-killing tendencies. 

The Exchange and The Implication of LOOOOOOOVE!

With Stefan and Damon as protection, Elena heads off into the woods to hand off the Crazy Invention to Isobel, in exchange for Jeremy’s life.  However, she soon finds that Jeremy is already safe and sound at home.  When Elena asks Isobel how she knew Damon would religuish the weapon, Isobel responds, “Because he is IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

YAY!  YIPPEE!  WOO HOO!

I think I need a moment .  . .

OK, I’m better.  Always one to have the last word, before leaving, Isobel warns Elena that living with a Salvatore brother on each arm, will surely bring about her demise. Once Isobel is gone,  Elena rushes to Stefan for comfort.  However, while they hug, both Elena and Stefan are exchanging pointed looks with Damon that suggest that Isobel’s pronouncements regarding the latter vampire’s romantic feelings were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

And that’s not all . . .

In the last few minutes of the episode, we learn the following”

1)

“Elena, I am your father.”

Elena’s daddy is none other than Creepy Uncle John.  This means that Elena is a GILBERT after all!  (I don’t know about you, but something about this news just set off the Ick Alarms, all over the place, for me!)  Apparently, Creepy Uncle John, and the Self-Loathing Isobel, want to kill ALL VAMPIRES (including Stefan and Damon) to SAVE ELENA from the same fate suffered by undead Isobel and Katherine.

2) 

 Isobel DID in fact love Alaric, but acted bitchy to him, so he wouldn’t feel pain over the loss of her.  (Remember when I said that Isobel was only NOT totally evil for about two minutes, during the episode.  This was them!  Unless you count as “nice” her admission that she wants to save Elena, by killing Stefan and Damon, which, obviously, I DON’T!)

3) Now that his true feelings were put out in the open by Isobel, Damon suggests to Stefan that he will FIGHT for Elena’s heart!

4) New Vampire Hater Bonnie LIED to Elena about curing the Crazy Invention.  She WANTS Stefan and Damon to die at the hands of the Isobel and Creepy Uncle John.   OK, I officially HATE her now!  She can take that nasty hair cut and shove it up her butt!

But I’m not biased, or anything . . . I mean, why would I be biased against someone who wanted to kill Damon?

Oh!  That’s why . . .

Given all this new intel, we can be certain that the VD Season Finale is going to be one WILD RIDE! 

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Another Bloody 12-Step Program – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Under Control”

“Dude, I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!  The last thing I remember is going into a tattoo parlor and asking for some pegasus wings on my back . . . OH CRAP!  REAL WINGS!  How the f&*k did these get here?  Damon’s NEVER going to let me live this one down . . .”

Tonight’s installment of The Vampire Diaries featured an in-town party,

LOTS of booze,

SOME making out,

SOME brawling,

and a heaping helping of Julie Cooper-Nichol Melinda Clarke.

In short, it reminded me A LOT of this OTHER show I used to watch . . .

“Welcome to The VD, BITCH!”

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

The Things We Cannot Change . . .

When we last left Stefan, he found himself hooked on . . .

 . . . having tasted his girlfriend, Elena’s, during a particularly weak moment.  When we see Stefan, this week, he is struggling to quit the stuff cold turkey.  His brilliant plan for achieving this goal?  LOTS of sweaty pull-ups  . . . which, again, I think, was only included in the episode, so that we got the opportunity to see Paul Wesley look like this . . .

 . . . and AGAIN, I’m OK with that!

Unfortunately, for Stefan, his brother, Damon, is a TOTAL enabler . . .

 . . . and SMOKIN’ HOT (just saying).  So, Damon, who is a pretty big blood drinker himself, continues to randomly leave vials and glasses of the “red stuff” all around the mansion, where these two dapper drinkers currently reside.  “Why can’t you just get blood from a blood bank, like the rest of us?”  Damon inquires.

Now THIS development is very interesting to me . . . You see, I was always under the impression, that while Damon occasionally imbibed a “soccer mom” or two from vials of blood stolen from a hospital or blood bank, human skin was his “glass” of choice.  Perhaps, I always assumed this, because many scenes in The Vampire Diaries book series, featured a super sexy Damon compelling a young innocent lass to offer up her body for feeding.  The act of “drinking” these females was always overtly sexual.  And Book Damon, to his credit, always left the bitten ladies in bed asleep, with no memory of the event, except for some VERY SWEET DREAMS!

Truthfully, this has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine!  And I was more than a bit disappointed when Damon admitted he hadn’t “had a human in years.”  It also raises an interesting point.  If Damon and the other vamps, drinks solely from blood banks, and Stefan repeatedly goes out into the woods to eat Bambi’s mother . . .

 . . . and other assorted forest creatures, heretofore alive and well, wouldn’t that make Stefan more of a killer than his brother? 

Also, we noticed, throughout the episode, how DANGEROUS Stefan’s newfound cravings for human blood were causing him to become.  EVERYONE suddenly became a target .  . . even Elena.  Given that, wouldn’t Stefan’s imbibing of blood bank blood make him less harmful to the people he cared about, not more?  The only possible explanation I could think of as to why we should be rooting AGAINST Stefan becoming a HUMAN blood sucker, is that his LOOOOONG absense from the stuff, has made him . . .

 . . . in terms of blood drinking, almost as if he was a NEWBORN vampire once again.  And we learned, from Vicki Donovan a few episodes ago, just how DANGEROUS those newbies could be . . .

“Oh, BITE ME!  On second thought, let me BITE YOU . . . HARD!”

Most of the episode’s A-storyline featured Stefan trying to get a handle on his blood drinking by getting as wasted as possible on alcohol!

Somewhere underground, the creator of the 12-Step Program is rolling over in his grave.  Unless of course, HE is a vampire too!  If so, he probably doesn’t mind as much . . .

The result of all this DRINKING, is that Stefan, as Damon says, becomes sort of “fun,” for a change.  He compels the D.J. at the party to switch from the snoozy orchestral music he is playing, to the song Falling by Phoenix (which you may have recognized as the song from those cadillac commercials . . .)

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good song, and all.  But I, personally, think it would have been WAY FUNNIER if Stefan “requested” that the DJ play a song by Vampire Weekend.

The song, “A Punk,” for example, would have been FABULOUS for this venue . . .

All the while, Stefan was telling Elena and Damon he had things “under control.”  However, we could tell that this wasn’t the case at all when he (1) got all veiny, wrinkled, and puffy eye baggy, when things got hot and heavy with Elena in her bedroom; and (2) twice almost killed that random dude for having the NERVE to knock into and be rude to Elena at the party (which was kind of hot, I have to admit).  But “rock bottom” for our pal Stefan had to be when Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom . . .

 . . . got a massive cut on her head.  In a move that was both incredibly creepy, and intensely sexy, at the same time, Stefan placed his hand gently on Julie Cooper Nichol’s Matt’s Slutty Mom’s wound, rubbed it with his fingers, and then proceeded to amorously lick his hand like a VERY DIRTY cat.

“Mmmmmm . . . Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom Guts . . . DELICIOUS!”

At the end of the episode, Stefan gives in to temptation, chugging down a blood-filled tumbler that his brother strategically left on the bar for him.  And again — I have to ask — is this necessarily a bad thing?

The Senseless Death That Was Neither Particularly Senseless, Nor Deadly .  . .

So, at the beginning of the episode, this guy shows up at Elena’s doorstep, and I IMMEDIATELY don’t like him, because he walks with his hands clasped between his legs, like a VERY MEAN AND SCARY principal I used to have in elementary school (RIP Princi  – PAL).  Apparently, this guy is Uncle John Gilbert — a man who once slept with . . .

Aunt Jenna, and MAY have slept with . . .

Elena’s biological mom, Isabel.  WOAH!  What are you telling me, VD?   Elena’s UNCLE did the deed with both Elena’s AUNT and Elena’s MOM?

Incest much?  It took me a few takes to remember that Aunt Jenna is the sister of Elena’s adoptive mom, Uncle John is Elena’s adoptive dad’s brother, and NONE of these people are at all related to Elena’s biological mom!  This makes the whole situation less gross . . . but only slightly.  It still strikes me as a bit “too close for comfort,” if you know what I mean . . .

Anyway, Uncle John immediately starts making trouble in Mystic Falls.  First, he threatens to take Elena’s deceased father’s office, which Elena and Jeremy inherited in their parents’ will, away from them.  THEN he reveals to the town council that a bunch of blood banks are reporting stolen vials of blood and missing employees, prospectively exposing all the vampires in Mystic Falls, not to mention cutting off their nutrition supply.  Uncle John then reveals to Damon that he knows EVERYTHING about the Salvatore brothers, including that they are vampires, and that they were responsible for opening the underground tomb containing Mama Pearl . . .

 . . . and the other Hidey Hole Vamps.  Damon takes quick action, like the Rambo Bad Ass, he is!

Our Main Man breaks Uncle John’s neck and tosses him off the balcony, before I could even utter the word “Douchebag.”  And I must admit, I CHEERED LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL, when it happened (maybe it was all those principal memories, getting the best of me).  “UNCLE JOHN, it gives me GREAT PLEASURE to bestow upon you the SENSELESS DEATH AWARD!”  I literally said, out loud, as I watched the scene.

 So, as you can imagine, I was just and confused and PISSED as Damon, when Uncle John showed back up at the party, alive and unharmed . . .

“He’s BAAACK!”

As it turns out, Uncle John was conveniently wearing that Can’t Be Killed Ring, also owned by Snoozy Alaric . . .

 . . . who, I must admit, I ENJOYED for the second week in a row, as he continued his awesome post-face punch Bromance with Hot Vamp Damon.

Apparently, like Alaric, Uncle John got the ring from Elena’s Surprisingly Slutty Biological Mom!

Uncle John also claims that HE was the one who sent Elena’s Slutty Mom to Damon, when she wanted to be turned into a vampire.  I’m not quite sure I believe him yet?  But, unfortunately, we will probably find out the truth in future episodes, as this AWFUL DUDE seems like he will be sticking around for a while.  Uncle John already kind of reminds me of a side-character from another show, who I DESPISED, but who never EVER seemed to LEAVE!

Marilyn from Big Love, anyone?

In other news . . .

Vampjer FINALLY Gets a Clue!

If you recall, newly-turned vampire Vicki was STAKED by Stefan, because she tried to kill Elena in a vampiric rage, while the lovelorn Jeremy watched in horror.  At Elena’s request, Damon compelled Jeremy to forget the entire traumatic experience, and believe Vicki had simply run away from home.  And that WAS what he believed — for a while, at least — until he developed a strange fascination with vampires, cultivated by, none other than his SORT-OF Gal Friday, Vampire Anna.

When Vicki was found buried in the forest, the coroner called her death a drug overdose.  “But then why was she buried?  Who buried her?”  Jeremy inquires, and rightly so.

The town council stonewalls Jeremy, when he inquires into the odd circumstances surrounding Vicki’s demise.  Even his sister, Elena, basically tells him to “let it go.”  At the end of the episode, a suspicious Jeremy breaks into Elena’s bedroom and finds her diary.  In it, he reads the whole Bloody Story.  And he is PISSED!

Also . . .

Drunk and Slutty IS as Drunk and Slutty DOES . . .

Still vulnerable from her daughter’s untimely demise, Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom gets wasted at the Founder’s Day Kickoff Party, and makes out with her son’s friend, Tyler.

“I totally POKED – HER!”

When Matt . . .

 . . . finds Tyler and his mom en flagrante, he freaks out, and moves to punch Tyler in the face.  But then, Tyler goes all rabid animal crazy on the poor guy’s ass!  And if you’ve read the books, or seen the spoilers, you know why.  Tyler’s dad slaps Tyler in the face HARD for losing his cool — making me feel bad for D-Bag Tyler, for the first time, since he’s been on this show.  And you just KNOW this isn’t the last we will see of THIS storyline . . .

Also, Matt kicks his Slutty Mom out of the house.  But something tells me, that ultimatum is not going to stick . . .

Well, that’s all I’ve got folks!  Tune in next week, when it appears that Sexy Damon (not Stefan) will be escorting Elena to the Founder’s Day Ball.  Let the sexually tense moments and sexual innuendos BEGIN!  Until then . . .

Sayonara, fellow Blood Suckers!

 

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