We all know Lydia is up to no good in this picture, because she is wearing the . . . Black Eyeliner of EVVVVILLL!
I’ve said it before, Werebangers. But this time, I really mean it. “Party Guessed” will go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf episode EVER! The stellar acting, the solid writing, the character development, the twists, the numerous obligatory shots of Derek in his Tight Grey Tank Top . . .
We haven’t seen this much Glorious Derek, since that episode, where all he did was work out for the entire hour . . .
(Another favorite episode of mine, by the way . . .)
What more could a Teen Wolf fangirl (or fanboy) ask for? Did I mention we might have finally pinned down our Kanaima Master?
Way to be a Psycho Svengali Serial Killer, Creepy Camera Guy Matt!
(By the way, remind me never to join the swim team at Beacon Hills High . . .)
“Breast stroke? Don’t you mean DEATH STROKE?”
So, chug down a glass of that deliciously hallucinogenic pink punch, Werebangers, because it’s time for another Teen Wolfcap . . .
[Special thanks to Andre for sending over those kickass screencaps.]
Another Dream Date with Decaying Corpse Peter Hale . . .
When the episode begins, Lydia’s in the shower . . . again. And we all know how well that worked out for her last time.
(I’m thinking girlfriend should start considering taking sponge baths, STAT.)
“You’re not fully clean unless your ZESTFULLY CLEAN!”
This time around, fortunately, there is no gross dirty Peter Hale Hand or gorilla hair in the tub with her. Instead, she opens the curtain and finds herself on the football field.
By golly, it’s a NAKED DREAM! We’ve all had those, haven’t we? And as The Girl Who Ran Around the Forest Naked for Two Days, we think Lydia’s entitled to a Naked Dream or Two (preferably with Stiles or Derek in it).
Except, this isn’t actually a Naked Dream, after all. In fact, Lydia is in the very same dress she wore to last year’s dance. And she’s being cheered on by a crowd of high school students . . . well, except for one chick, who’s totally bawling her brains out for no reason, whatsoever. (Party Pooper!)
“Dammit! Why isn’t she NAKED? How come everyone gets to see Lydia naked except for me?”
Actually, I’m still trying to figure out Crying Girl’s significance. Is she one of the girls from the Swim Team (more on that later)? Is she a member of the Hale family, who died in the fire? Because she didn’t exactly look like Corpse Laura to me!
Whoever she is, I suspect we will see her again, before the season is out . . .
Anywhoo, back on the football field, Lydia is being dragged across the ground by . . . wait for it . . . Peter Hale.
(They’re just cheering, because from the back, he kind of looks like Justin Bieber.)
Lydia wakes up screaming (naturally). But then, she calms down. “It was all a dream!” She thinks to herself. “I didn’t really shower in front of my classmates. Phew!”
Except, now her bed is filled with a REAL mixture of blood and hair.
Signs of rough sex? And guess who’s lying next to her, eagerly awaiting their next Pillow Talk Session?
Peter Hale TOTALLY seems like a post-coital cuddler . . .
You got it . . . Peter Hale! This dude is nothing, if not persistent. And I hate to say it, but these two actually have some freaky twisted sexual chemistry going on . . . (I think Stiles would be jealous, if he knew.)
Also a cuddler . . .
Except, here’s the thing . . . now, maybe it’s because he’s been dead for a few months, and spent years before that pretending to be a vegetable . . . whatever the reason, Peter’s kind of off his flirting game. For starters, he bores Lydia with talk about the Worm Moon. He also makes insects crawl all over her dirty feet, as part of his Seduction Technique. (Total turn off!)
See, Lydia . . . maybe if you spent less time screaming in the shower, and more time actually washing yourself, you wouldn’t have this problem . . .
Peter also has this really annoying habit of referring to Lydia in the third person, when he talks to her about her. “Lydia is smart and beautiful,” he says. “Everyone wants to go to Lydia’s party.” “Lydia is immune.”
“Dude! She’s standing right next to you!“
You know what else isn’t going to get you laid by the girl of your dreams? Telling her she has to spike her punch bowl with hallucinogenic flowers, dig up your dirty corpse, and make it hold the hand of some hot guy, or else you will kill all her friends, while dressed in an oversized gorilla suit . . .
Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that even the sluttiest of girls would consider that kind of a Deal Breaker . . .
unless, of course, you happen to be part of the “Furry” Community, in which case, more power to ya . . .
On Wolves Getting Their Periods, and Wearing Funny Hats . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Abandoned Bus . . .
(By the way, is it just me, or does Derek Hale have the worst taste in real estate EVER? First, it was the burnt decrepit house. Then, that weird storage shed, and now a bus where ole Peter mauled some dude. Hey Derek! Give me a call, and I’ll set you up with a nice condo . . . one that comes with a cleaning lady, who won’t mind that you always leave teeth marks in the furniture . . .)
Derek is showing his baby wolves his Magic Trunk (I wish that was a euphemism for something fun. Unfortunately, it’s not.) Boyd notices that oh so familiar swirly symbol on it . . .
*wipes drool from side of mouth*
Like the teacher’s pet he TOTALLY is, the Big Guy explains that it’s a Triskele, which symbolizes the “Power of Three.”
Derek looks impressed, and a little bit turned on. Isaac looks like he wants to shove Boyd’s head in the toilet, and give him a swirly, for being such a TOTAL NERD!
Derek notes that, for him, the Triskele represents Alphas, Betas and Omegas. Specifically, it reminds the stud muffin how any of the three types of wolf can easily be converted into one another. So, even if you’re the Alpha, you should never get too comfortable, or too cocky, because you could end up a Beta or Omega, at the drop of a hat (or the pinch of a wrist). And that, my friends, is what I like to call FORESHADOWING . . .
Anyway, it’s time to whip out the chains, and that hat from the Total Recall movie.
Derek must restrain his baby wolves, in preparation for the Full Moon. (Yeah, because that’s worked SOO well, in the past.) Erica notes boldly that because she had her period last week, she won’t be nearly as dangerous this week.
(Oh, Erica, haven’t you learned yet that talking about “your monthlies” is a Boy Repellant!)
Erica’s Period Faux Pas not withstanding, Derek gets major points with this female recapper for correctly noting that Erica, as a monthly bleeder / child birther has a higher tolerance for pain than her weiner-bearing companions. That’s why she gets to wear the silly hat, and they don’t! GIRL POWER!
“I feel pretty . . . oh so pretty . . .”
But no amount of S&M accoutrements are going to help Derek keep his wolf cubs from ripping up all the seat cushions, and peeing all over the house. After all, these are some Really Bad Babies!
So, you can imagine Derek’s surprise when it ends up being NOT teacher’s pet Boyd, but rather, Leather Twin Isaac, who’s the first cub to find his “anchor,” and control his wolfy rage.
(Now, if only his “anchor” could help him find his eyebrows. . .)
Even more surprising? The fact that Isaac’s anchor just so happens to be the same father who verbally, and physically abused him, while occasionally shoving him in a freezer. As it turns out, Papa Lahey, actually used to be a pretty nice guy . . . before . . . well . . . more on that later . . .
Let’s Get “Candid” with Creepy Camera Guy Matt!
Elsewhere, Allison’s finishing up her Awful Date with Creepy Camera Guy Matt . . .
“Can I please cop a feel?”
“Just a little one?”
“What if I go to unbuckle my seatbelt, and my hand accidentally / on purpose grazes your left boob and inner thigh?”
Creepy Camera Guy Matt continues to not-so-subtly probe Allison with questions about the status of her relationship with Scott. When “CCGM” (see above) realizes he probably isn’t getting anywhere, he exits the car, but not without accidentally / on purpose leaving his camera there, so that unrequited lady love can find his Eerie Homage to All Things Allison, Including Her Bedroom on the Second Floor of Her House . . .
“Wow. Matt must be really tall . . .”
“Wanna see more? The lens in my pants is on zoom, baby! Check out my f-stop!”
Though Matt tries lamely to explain his icky actions, Allison speeds away in her car, so fast, she leaves skid marks on Creepy Camera Guy’s blue balls . . .
Meanwhile, over at the ex-sheriff’s house . . .
Stiles Stilinski – Super Sleuth
Just because Stilinski Squared isn’t employed by the Beacon Hills PD, anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t still on the case. Driven by his crushing guilt over the part he unwittingly played in his father’s firing, Stiles seems more determined than ever to crack the case of the serial-killing kanaima. While the Sheriff notes that local pedo, Mr. Harris, has already been brought in for questioning, due to his car / lame bumper sticker being found at the sight of Every Single Murder . . .
. . . Stiles is still unconvinced “She’s 21” Guy actually did the crimes. After all, like us, Stiles knows that TWO of the victims, Isaac’s dad and last week’s unfortunate rave chicky, have no relationship with Harris at all. They do however have THIS relationship with one another . . .
That’s right, Werebangers! In addition to beating his kid, and locking him a cooler, Mr. Lahey, also apparently used to enjoy teaching the butterfly to under-aged hard bodies, in his spare time. Go figure!
So, remember, earlier I mentioned that Isaac alluded to the fact that his father wasn’t always a Grade A, asshole . . . thereby prompting me to wonder, what exactly made him change?
My theory? It’s precisely, the same thing that made the kanaima want to kill all these peppy swimmers . . .
Could Mr. Lahey be somehow have been taking his guilt over what happened in 2006 out on his son? It’s definitely a possibility . . .
You know, I actually spent a lot of time pouring over the screencaps for this scene, because I figured, we might be able to find our good pal Master Matt in the photograph. (We know he couldn’t swim, but, perhap,s he was the Team Manager, or something?) Oddly enough, the guy that looked most like Matt in the picture (check out the kid in the bottom row center), is actually, at least according to the team roster, Isaac Lahey’s brother, Camden.
I’m not exactly sure if that means anything. But it certainly piqued my interest . . .
Why Mama Argent Will Never Again Sharpen a Pencil and Pretend It’s Scott’s Weiner . . .
Memories . . . like the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memoriessssssss . . .
When we last left Mama Argent, she was lying in Papa Argent’s arms, suffering from the Worst Hickey Ever! (Then again, any gift from This Guy can’t be ALL bad, right?)
Now, Dame Victoria is sitting in the basement licking her own wounds (pun intended), while Grandpa and Papa Argent stage whisper about killing her, as if she’s not sitting literally 5 feet away from them. (RUDE!)
“You know, becoming a werewolf actually IMPROVES your sense of hearing, a$$holes!”
De-nial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s also a gaping blind spot in Papa Argent’s vision, as he tells his father, “It doesn’t look so bad.”
Really, Papa Argent? Because from where I’m sitting it looks like a PRETTY BIG F*&KING CHUNK of skin is missing from Victoria Argent’s chest plate. Grandpa Argent clearly agrees, which is why he shows about as much sympathy for his daughter-in-law as an obese man would show for a Big Mac, telling Daddy-o, more or less says, “Kill the, B*tch. Allison will get over it.”
“If you hurry up and kill her now, we may be able to make the 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman at the Multiplex.“
“If you want an easier life, change your last name,” scolds Grandpa Argent.
“Just as long as you aren’t changing it to whatever Mama Argent’s maiden name is, because apparently that last name makes your life suck too.”
On a side note, many fans have speculated that the pills we regularly see Grandpa Argent popping on the show might actually be some kind of werewolf or lizard suppressant. If that ends up being true, well, let’s just say Grandpa’s callous comments about Mama Argent being nothing more than a cocoon waiting to hatch a monster, will likely come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the season . . . or, perhaps, I should say the chest plate.
“It’s like looking in a mirror. We’re both a little green and wrinkly.”
In a surprise show of maternal instinct, a slightly teary-eyed Mama Argent
(I thought soulless vampires only cried blood tears?) makes an attempt to confront her daughter about her impending wolficide.
“And while I’m describing to you, in detail, how I’m going to take my own life with a carving knife, I’ll bake you brownies, tell you a bedtime story, and even squeeze in a talk about the birds and the bees.”
Unfortunately, Allison Argent has better things to do than engage in Mommy/Daughter time . . . like for example, help Lydia
perform ridiculously obvious product placement for Macy’s pick out outfits (plural!) for tonight’s “Big Party.”
“Peter Hale said I had to shop at Macy’s, or he would make me shower with him again.”
Eventually, Allison leaves for the party, having never gotten to say goodbye to Mama Argent. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is super sad, and will undoubtedly, saddle poor Allison with years of unresolved guilt, and thousands of dollars in therapy bills.
Nevertheless, the way that Mama Argent decides to atone for this “lack of a Final Conversation” between Mother and Daughter can only be described as . . . morbid.
Now, I love a Super Poignant Dramatic, Tear-jerking TV Death as much as the next fan. So, I TOTALLY understand Mama Argent’s decision (at least from the writer’s perspective) to go out with the Bang of a Stab Wound Inflicted in the Light of the Full Moon, just as “The Change” was occurring, as opposed to the Wimper of a pill overdose. I’m just a bit iffy on her decision to do it ON HER DAUGHTER’S BED, so that she can “feel closer to her.” I mean, first of all, “EW,” and second of all . . . no . . . scratch that . . . . “EW” just about sums up my thoughts on that decision.
(I also hope Daddy changed the sheets, afterward. Because, seriously. That’s just unsanitary . . .)
There is some conversation between Mama and Papa Argent about playing off Victoria’s death as a suicide to the community, which kind of seems like adding insult to injury, at least as far as Allison’s concerned. Mama Argent, in particular, seems distraught over the fact that the neighbors would likely disapprove of her coming to such a “cowardly end,” and deserting her family in that way.
(I would think that Mama Argent would be more concerned about the community thinking her family was a bunch of gun-toting lunatics . . . which, of course, they are.) Papa Argent replies that Mama Argent is making a “brave sacrifice” for her family, by stabbing herself on her daughter’s bed, rather than sprout long nails, and a pointy face, once a month, and whenever else she gets really angry (which, let’s face it, is probably often).
I don’t know . . . to me, personally, if it looks like a wolficide, and it walks like a wolficide . . . well, you get the idea. I still feel terrible for Allison that things had to go down this way. But more on that, a bit later.
Because Stiles Keeps His Drag Queens on Speed Dial . . .
In somewhat less depressing news, Stiles has a problem to which many men, I suspect, can relate. He has to get his HUGE BOX inside Lydia’s teeny tiny door . . .
Yeah, I went there . . .
Unfortunately, we never did get to find out what was actually in that box. I have a few ideas, though. Do you? 😉
When our Scooby Gang arrives at Lydia’s party, they find out that it’s not exactly the hip soiree the birthday girl was hoping for (at least, not yet). Allison and Stiles speculate that this might be because Lydia’s naked romps in the woods have christened her the “Town Wackjob.” I don’t know, guys. Personally, I would think Lydia’s new-found penchant for public nudity would make her VERY, VERY popular . . . at least with the boys.
Don’t you worry too much about Lydia, though. Stiles, as always, is ripe and ready to rescue her. All he has to do is call in a favor from all those new “friends” he met at the gay club a few weeks back. (Nice continuity, writers!)
Personally, I kind of love the idea of Stiles having his very own entourage of Drag Queens, ready to do his bidding at a moment’s notice. I mean, let’s face it, Derek and his wolf pack couldn’t stand a chance against all those high heels!
Don’t Drink the Punch, or You’ll End Up All WET!
Stiles’ Magical Drag Queen Summoning Powers (which are likely the same powers that enable him to move fairy dust with his mind) . . .
. . . end up working wonders! In what seems like only minutes, Lydia’s once nearly empty house (Where ARE your parents, girlfriend?) is just crawling with party people, who just can’t seem to get enough of Lydia’s Magical Punch. And Lydia, ever the gracious host, is more than happy to quench the thirst of all her guests. In fact, she practically pours the stuff down all of their throats!
Of course, us viewers can tell right away that something is VERY wrong with that tasty drink, in the pretty stemless plastic wine glass. For one thing, it’s got blue crap in it. Gross! For another, as I mentioned earlier, Lydia is serving it wearing her Black Eyeliner of EEEEEVVVVIILLLL!
Now, it’s not entirely clear WHY Peter Hale insisted on Lydia LSD-ing all her pals. But I suspect it was done more as a diversion tactic from his
holding hands with Derek “rebirth,” than anything else. After all, had Scott, Stiles, Allison and Jackson not all been tripping that night, one or two of them might have noticed Lydia WANDERING AWAY FROM HER OWN PARTY, and possibly stopped her. (I think it’s a pretty safe guess that she wasn’t heading off into the woods to watch The Notebook again.)
That said, it did sort of seem like our main cast members got a Bad Batch of Punch, because while everyone else was busy making out, rolling around on the floor and being happy drunks, our core four were experiencing some pretty disturbing hallucinations . . . hallucinations that ended up being highly insightful, in terms of who these individuals are, and what exactly drives them . . .
Let’s review the hallucination’s shall we?
Because Lizards Make the Best Lovers . . .
I’ll start with the most shallow hallucination first, which, not surprisingly belongs to Scott.
As we all know, Scott and Allison have been a bit “on the outs” of late, ever since Scott “casually” told his girlfriend to make out with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and Allison ratted out Jackson’s kanaima status to her batsh*t crazy family, which Scott saw as an explicit betrayal of his trust.
But, of course, Scott’s still petrified of losing his brunette beauty, particularly to a monster that’s bigger and badder than he is . . . one that’s got a super long tongue that you could stick . . . anywhere. And don’t even get me started on that BIG TAIL. (Even Stiles’ “box” has nothing on that thing . . .)
*nom-nom, nom-nom . . . tastes like carcass*
Speaking of the kanaima . . .
Face Off – Starring Jackson Whitmore . . .
Poor Jackson! The writers have somehow managed to make me feel bad for this douchebag
probably because they are planning on killing him in the season finale, and want me, personally, to cry when it happens. First, they did it with his crocodile tears, upon learning he had no friends a few week’s back.
And now, the writers are at it again, when Jackson pleads with Lydia not to invite him to her party, because, deep down, he knows his kanaima self is only going to turn Lydia’s dream birthday into a nightmare.
And yet, the kanaima master, isn’t exactly cool with Jackson sitting out on a party that could potentially be attended by another swim team member. So, off to the party he goes.
“I’m sexy and I know it . . . LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD,LIZARD . . . YEAH!”
And wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually Jackson who experiences the nightmare at Lydia’s hand.
Upon drinking that fateful punch, Jackson comes face-to-face with his REAL parents, only to find out that . . . wait for it . . . THEY DON’T HAVE FACES AT ALL! And, of course, neither does he . . . which makes sense, because, when you think about it, much of Jackson’s douchebagginess comes from his frustration over not having an identity . . . not being able to turn into the “manly wolf” he’s always wanted to be . . . having to share his position as captain of the Lacrosse Team with Scott . . . and, most importantly not truly knowing his own origins.
“I prayed for clear skin, during my teen years, but this is ridiculous.”
Props to Colton Haynes for somehow managing to warm my heart with his trademark Vulnerable Face . . . only to be used on special occasions like this one . . .
Speaking of vulnerable faces . . .
“You killed her.”
Poor Stiles. It doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s taken his whole father losing his job because of him thing, really hard. We see it in the determination with which Stiles attacks solving this kanaima murder case. And we see it in Stiles’ anguish over his hallucination, which features a drunk Papa Stilinski, having just gotten back from Stiles’ mother’s funeral, blaming Stiles for HER death, and the ruination of HIS life.
Unfortunately, we still have yet to learn what exactly killed Mama Stilinski, or why Stiles seems to blame himself for it happening. But we do know that her absence has left a major hole in Stiles’ heart, one from which he’s never fully recovered. Kudos to Dylan O’Brien for really tugging at our heartstrings with the raw emotion of this scene.
Speaking of kudos . . .
Dark Allison’s Revenge
Of all the actors on this show (with the exception of Tyler Posey) Crystal Reed probably gets the least to work with, in terms of juicy material, funny one liners, and powerful, character developing scenes. Correction: She GOT the least to work with, prior to this week, during which the actress showed her werebanging fans just how talented of an actress she truly is . . .
It all started with Allison kicking the crap out of that slimy Creepy Camera Guy, first for being a total stalker case, who takes “candid” pictures of her from her second floor bedroom window, and second for actually INSULTING her beauty, and calling her a dime a dozen. I mean, seriously, if anyone deserves a knee in the nuts it’s Creepy Camera Guy Matt.
Now, at least, if his photography career fails, he can always sing Soprano in an all boys choir . . .
Except as it turns out, Matt isn’t exactly the enemy Allison needs to the fear the most. THAT enemy, is wearing a black hood, stalking around the party, and shooting her in the stomach with a bow and arrow, while chastising her for being SO weak, and always playing the victim. What’s interesting about this scene (apart, of course, from how cool Dark! Allison looked in it), is that it’s not entirely clear what Allison’s fear actually is?
Is she afraid of being weak . . . a perpetual victim, who constantly needs to be rescued by Scott and her family? Or, conversely, is Allison afraid of losing her soul, and becoming a single-minded, cold and calculating killer . . . like Dark!Allison . . . like the dearly departed Kate Argent . . . like her very own mother . . .
Speaking of Allison’s mother . . . how incredibly raw, and emotional was that hospital scene, in which Allison learns of her mother’s death from her father? As someone who lost a parent at a young age, Allison’s pain and anguish really resonated with me, because no matter what kind of person Mama Argent was, she was still Allison’s mother. And you never really get over a loss like that . . .
On a much lighter note . . .
That Teen Wolf Contest Winner NEEDS to become a series regular . . . no joke.
When we last left our plucky little Stilinski, he was drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, and still reeling over his faux father’s drunken outburst. But Scott needs his sidekick back STAT. So, he turns to our Very Special Contest Winning Guest Star to pick up the pieces of Stiles fragile psyche, which she does by dunking his head in a pool of water.
Not only was this a hilarious moment, executed to perfection by a surprisingly talented amateur actress, it also gave us back Wet Stiles . . . an image we haven’t seen, since that fateful day, when he and Derek took a nice long romantic swim together, in the school pool . . .
Speaking of swimming . . .
THE KANAIMA REVEALED
After weeks of doing little more than lurking around looking suspicious, Creepy Camera Guy Matt finally revealed himself as the kanaima master, when he YELLED OUT TO THE ENTIRE PARTY that he can’t swim, upon being tossed into the pool (probably by some sh*tfaced drag queen).
Jackson rescued him, of course, which just screams “Master / Slave,” because we all know that under any other circumstance, Jackson would be the one THROWING the nerd into the pool, not pulling him out . . .
Then, as if we hadn’t been beat over the head with the “Matt as Kanaima” idea enough, we are given THIS image . . .
This reveal, of course, only leads to more questions . . . is Matt alive? Is he the ghost of someone murdered by a bunch of swim teammate? What led him to take on this quest for vengeance? And how exactly did he know he could use Jackson to carry out his plan?
Ahh . . . the plot, it’s thickening . . .
Speaking of thick . . .
Derek Gets Glitter Bombed / Red Eye Reduced
What are you dreaming about, Derek?
Awww, Derek! You big sexy hunk of man meat, you! Of all the things that would end up bringing your seemingly invincible ass down, no one could have guessed that it would end up being the petite 105 pound red head, and a bunch of blue glitter in your face. Honestly, it’s a little pathetic, but also kind of charming, in a way.
After week’s of speculation, we finally got to see why Peter Hale had been stalking Lydia, and using his teenage face to hit on her, make out with her, and give her flowers all these weeks. It was also so Lydia could make Derek fondle Peter’s corpse at the first light of the worm moon, which somehow made Peter come back to life, and turned Derek’s eyes from Alpha Red, to Horny Green. 🙂
Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either. But, you have to admit, it was still a really cool ending.
Until next time, Werebangers!
[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever- Now with Teen Wolf tees!]