Tag Archives: Sterek

Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

never the same stilinski stiles

Source

Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

ep 8 scott and mom

argents

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

bloody scott

lets die together

woah shes up

tearful lyd

stalking

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

fall

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

sterek comfort

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

ready to heal

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

waiting to go

“sacrifice”

kidnapped dad

“sucking face”

stydia kiss 4

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Scott’s Dad” (Surprise!)

um sure ok

And, of course, “Stiles” . . .

mischeivous stiles

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thanks to stellar screencapper Andre, who has never once tried to drown me while I was submerged in an ice bath, no matter how many times his sage veterinarian told him to do so . . .]

Rude Awakening

huh wakeup

“My new alarm clock is very aggressive.”

We begin the episode with Stiles b*tch slapping the crap out of Derek, while straddling him in the middle of an otherwise abandoned elevator . .  . or as Sterek fans like to call it . . . “foreplay.”

straddle elevator

“Doing this isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?”

Derek wakes up just seconds before Stiles can punch him in the face . . .

ouchi punchy

 . . . which is weird, because punching people in the face is usually what you do when you want them to pass out, not wake up.  Of course, after Stiles breaks the news to Derek that his psycho girlfriend made off with his friends’ parents, Cora’s still dying, and Scott may have just decided to join Team Evil, the D-list Alpha wolf is probably wishing he had hit the snooze alarm a few more hundred times . . .

torn up derek 2

Cheer up, Der Bear!  It’s not so bad!  At least you got to get your arm fondled by Stiles in an enclosed space . . .

sterek wakeup

Source

big sterek

Outside the hospital, the mere sight of Allison and Chris Argent, a.k.a. the folks whose aunt / sister he killed, back when he was the Big Bad Gorilla-Looking Thing, make this little Piggy, Peter Hale, cry “wee wee wee wee wee,” all the way back to Derek’s loft.

chillin in car

“Oh hey, look, it’s Allison and Chris Argent!  Yoo-hoo, Argents!  Come meet my new pal, Peter!”

given slip

“Peter? Maybe he had to pee . . .”

If the cast of Teen Wolf were ever sorted into Hogwarts houses, Peter would totally be  the Slytherin, to Scott’s, Allison’s, and Derek’s Gryffindor, Isaac’s Hufflepuff (He IS a really good “finder.”), and Stiles’ and Lydia’s Ravenclaw.  When he’s not pumped up on Epinephrine, posing as a teen in Lydia’s hallucinations, or dressed in a gorilla suit, Peter’s a total wussy.  And I love that about him.  It’s all very Draco Malfoy . . .

beat up draco

scared peter - Copy

Sometimes bravery in the face of total and complete danger is akin to stupidity.  And  say what you will about Peter Hale.  But the dude is definitely not stupid . . . which is more than we can say for some other “braver” characters on this show .  . .

ephemeral

Speaking of Scott . . .

The Bad Dad

After waking up from his little Elevator Nap, Derek rushes to retrieve Dying Cora, so he can bring her back to his loft.  In doing so, he inadvertently abandons Stiles, who, in turn, gets to hang out in the hospital waiting room, looking broodier and sexier than we’ve seen him look in quite some time . . .

better moody stiles pic

Misery looks good on you, Sweetie.

It’s there that the unofficial Alpha of Team Human runs into This Guy . . .

scotts dad 1

We find out This Guy’s true identity soon enough.  (Hint: See the title of this section.)  However, since, at this point in the story, who he is has yet to be revealed, I’m simply going to refer to him as . . . FBI Douche.

3 7 fun police oh miss nothing

As an American viewer, I am comforted to know that if my hometown sprouted a serial killer every few months,  by the 23rd or 24th death in under a year, my government would finally care enough to send its very best douche to investigate.  That’s your proud tax dollars at work, Wolfbangers!

stydia big 2

As with most federal law enforcement guys in film and television, FBI Douche seems like he has an axe to grind with our heroes, a personal vendetta that may or may not take precedence over the case that he’s trying to solve.  Case-in-point, when the Sheriff of a town with a Dead Cop Problem, mysteriously goes missing, FBI Douche’s first instinct is to badger the guy’s teenage son about his dad’s alcohol consumption habits.

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Source

FBI Douche isn’t totally useless, however.  He does reveal a heretofore unrecognized talent of our current lady killer . . .

evil jenny

Apparently, in addition to having a Magic Coochie, being capable of performing (and un-performing) plastic surgery on her face just by turning head from side to side . . .

mistletoed

 . . . forcing people to chant in Druid against their will, and causing them to experience intense hallucinations, Jenny the Darach is also a master graffiti artist . . .

taunting

Who knew?

Speaking of females with odd talents, let’s talk about Cora Hale, or, as I like to call her, The Girl Who Spewed Too Much . . .

The Lone(ly) Wolf

dying cora army

“I hate puking up black goo all the time, but it sure makes for a rocking shade of lipstick.”

Derek’s chilling in the loft with his girl Cora.  I mean, sure, he’s pretty much just letting her die, and ignoring the fact that she needs obvious medical attention.  But hey, at least he changed her out of that unflattering hospital gown, and dressed her in sexy army fatigues.  Because, really, who wants to die while wearing blue plastic?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Unfortunately for Derek, his beta boo, Isaac, doesn’t agree with me about the importance of being “fashionably dead.”  He believes Derek should do penance for his brief (and ridiculous) communion with the Evil Magic Coochie .  . .

mackin

turning on channel

“This porn is AWESOME.”

 . . . and like . . . actually try and save people and stuff . . .

isaac is mad at you

“You are way too hot to suck this bad as a half- human being.”

For me, the most interesting part of the scene is when Isaac asks Derek why he bothered to turn him, Boyd and Erika, in the first place, especially since, at least on the surface, he never seemed to have any interest at all in leading them, or even protecting them .  . .

wolf pack

wolf pack turne

It’s pretty gut wrenching when Isaac accuses Derek of turning  three innocent teens into supernatural monster killers, just because the latter wanted to have friends; and Derek doesn’t immediately disagree with his pack member’s assessment.

cowed derek thinker

the_thinker

The accusation begins to sound even worse, when you consider the fact that, had Derek not turned Boyd and Erika into werewolves, last season, they’d probably both be alive today .  . .

you are a monster

When Isaac storms off to be with his new love interests, Allison and Scott  (Can you say, “threesome”?) . . .

gotcha al

Sassy Peter magically appears to comfort his nephew.

seductive peter

“Don’t feel bad, DerBear.  Isaac isn’t abandoning you because you are a sucky leader.  He’s abandoning you because he’s bored of humping you, and wants to hump Scott and Allison.  The fact that you are a sucky leader is just an added bonus!”

Good Ole Uncle Pete . . . always managing to look on the bright side of life.

sour wolf

Peter also intimates that Derek can save Cora, by using his Alpha power to transfer her pain on to him.  But doing so could render Derek un-Alphaed, or worse dead.  Peter cleverly tries to reverse psychology his not too bright nephew into doing this, by telling him how much he shouldn’t do it, and how, by doing it, he would be playing right into Jennifer’s Darach-y hands.

peter being shady

Basically, Peter is using the old “Red Button Trick.”  You know, the one where someone tells you:  “Don’t push the red button.  It’s SOOOO COOL to push it, but totally dangerous.  So, whatever you do . . . don’t push it.  No matter how much you really, really want to . . . or that it’s the only thing you can think about right now . . . or that it seems to be your life’s mission to push that red button.  Just don’t push it.  PUSH THE RED BUTTON!    PUSH IT GOOD!  PUSH. . .  THE . . . BUTTON.  The red button is SEX.  Don’t push the red button.  Do you hear me?”

easy button

Some have speculated, based on this scene alone, that taking the Alpha status back from Derek may have been Peter’s design all along . . .the reason he’s been “hanging out” with the Scoobies, all this time.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that it was Peter and not Jenny the Darach, who poisoned Cora, for this exact reason.  I wouldn’t put it past him . . .

big prob

In other spunky relative news . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

Papa Argent attempts to reassure his daughter and Stiles, that he won’t end up tied to a big ole tree like some other parents on this show, because he has a big . . . “gun.”

phallic gun

Though he doesn’t want to be rude to his friend’s dad, Stiles is unimpressed and particularly comforted by this, basically because Stiles, himself, also has a big “gun” . . .

condom 2

condom 3

And if Stiles has a big “gun,” there’s a good chance Sheriff Stilinski has one as well.  I mean, he’s the Sheriff, right?  What’s a Sheriff, without his big “gun?”

big gun

And he still ended up tied to a tree by a girl  . . .

well this is awkward

As for Isaac, he KNOWS the size of his gun, is no match for the Argents or the Stilinskis.  But he’s got other assets to offer the ladies (and men).  For instance, he’s REALLY good with his hands . . .

bad manicure

While Stiles heads back to school to retrieve his Dead Body version of a Metal Detector, Lydia Martin, Isaac and Allison accompany Papa Argent to the vault, where he surprises the two kids by electrocuting them, and handcuffing them to a wall, respectively.

BabyScared

It turns out, Papa Argent isn’t planning on using his big gun on Jenny the Darach at all.  He’s planning to join the Parents-Tied-to-a-Tree-Party!

ready to be taken

“I make bad decisions.”

busted cool

“That’s OK.  I find incompetence a major turn-on.  It’s why I dated Derek for three episodes.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure how exactly Papa Argent thinks he’s going to save Beacon Hills, without the use of his “Big Gun,” or his “Dexterous Hands.”  But I’d really, really like to see him try .  . .

want to kiss you

ISAAC: “Would it be inappropriate for me to make out with you, right after you just found out your dad is probably going to die?”

ALLISON: “A little . . . yeah.”

hugsies is al

ISAAC: “Can I still fondle your boobs?”

ALLISON: “That would be nice.  Thanks.”

That’s right, Werebangers.  Strife brings people closer.  It reminds us that our time on Earth is limit.  It lowers our inhibitions, and forces us to seize the moment.  Which brings me to . . .

Leave Me Breathless

proud of neck scars

This sweet mother/daughter moment between Lydia, and the-mom-who-didn’t-seem-to-notice-that-her-daughter-had-a-different-strange-guy-in-her-bed-every-night-this-summer . . .

sex again

. . . is brought to you by Tampax Tampons . . .

tampon-med1

All kidding aside, I enjoyed this quiet, subtle scene.  Not only does it offer a nice bonding moment between two characters who we rarely get to see interact with one another.  It also illustrates just how far Lydia has come as a character since Season 1.

lydia brave tatikatelena

This once shallow, vain, girl, who hid her intelligence, because she thought it would make her less popular . . . who was ashamed by her connection to the dead . . . who would never be caught dead without makeup on, is now displaying the neck scars she received last week from Jenny the Darach proudly, because their existence makes her a Survivor.

proud of neck scars 2

You GO GIRL!

lydia smirk

So, of course, a new, wise and mature, Lydia needs a new, wise and mature boyfriend, am I right, ladies?

nodding oh yeah

Upon receiving an update on the first twenty minutes of the show from Stiles, Lydia decides that Jenny the Darach might have had some other reason for trying to murder her, apart from her being a banshee.  So, the pair inexplicably head off to school, to talk to Aiden?

now im pissed

straight one

Unfortunately, before they can do this, Stiles gets a text message from Isaac that Papa Argent is missing.  And that Jenny from the Block of Druids now has not one, not two, but THREE parents in her murder collection.

panic attack stiles

Oh, hello, Stiles’ Panic Attacks!  Long time, no see . . .

Lydia pulls the hyperventilating Stiles into the skanky boys locker room, in hopes that the stink of male teenage sweat will stop Stiles from breathing in through his nose so much . . . but to no avail . . .

stop the attack

“It smells like feet in here.  And I wanna die!”

Next Lydia tries the old “Think Happy Thoughts” cure.  After all, it worked for those kids in Peter Pan.  It made them fly!

calm down please

“Happy Thoughts?”

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Unfortunately, for Stiles, his “Happy Thoughts” involve his good relationship with his dad . . . who is about to be killed . . . the girl who was going to get him laid . . . who is ALREADY DEAD . . . and his best friend . . . who just gave his soul to some guy called The Demon Wolf.

dead baby day 2

Fortunately for Lydia, Stiles has one happy thought left in his bank, that has yet to be marred by Jenny the Darach . . .

(Werebangers, if the Play button on the below video looks a little funny, it’s because I wore it out by pressing it 85,000 times this week . . .)

Let’s over-analyze this scene, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

Let’s start with Lydia . . . there are two possible ways to read her reaction to this moment.  The first is by taking her at her word.  She read somewhere that holding one’s breath stops a panic attack.  And so, in a moment of impulse, she covers Stiles’ mouth with hers, forcing him to involuntarily hold his breath . . .

trying to stop it

say what

lips mouth

But there’s something about the intense, dare I say, loving way that Lydia looks at Stiles, right before she pulls him in for the kiss that makes me think her explanation of her actions is less than truthful . . .

stydia kiss 1

(All the Stydia kiss pics in this section have been brought to you by This Awesome Tumblr)

A clinical “hold your breath” kiss would have involved a brusque and cursory pressing of Lydia’s mouth against Stiles.  But Lydia kisses Stiles slowly, caressing the sides of his face, and tilting his head upward, as she makes the connection.  When Stiles does begin to hold his breath, she doesn’t stop kissing him.  Instead, she deepens the kiss, pressing her lips against his even more intensely . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

When Lydia finally pulls away from Stiles, she seems entranced by what just happened.  Upon coming to her senses, Lydia appears almost reluctant to break the connection that they shared.

stydia kiss 5

Oh yeah!  She was definitely into it!

stiles

When Lydia gives her explanation to Stiles of what just happened, the usually confident girl seems oddly timid and uncertain, like a girl who just realized she’s developed a crush on a boy she never really noticed in that way before.  She licks her lips, a clear cut sign of attraction . . . and also, coincidentally, a telltale sign that someone is telling a lie . . .

lips licking

Stiles reaction during and after the kiss is a bit more clear cut.  At first, he’s surprised . . . (after all, the kid did feel pretty much on the verge of death, about two seconds earlier) . . .

stydia kiss 2

Then he’s aroused.  I mean, here is the girl he’s been dreaming about kissing since kindergarten . . . the girl he recently accepted that he could never have, finally kissing him . . . REALLY kissing him.  And, what’s better, she seems to be just as into it, as he is . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

After it’s all over, Stiles is in awe, of this beautiful, smart, strong woman, who pretty much just saved his life.  And maybe, just maybe, he’s a smidge disappointed that her explanation of the kiss was more clinical than his interpretation of it.  But that doesn’t make what she did for him any less awesome . . .

stydia kiss 6

But when Lydia jokes that Stiles should go get some help for his panic attacks from the school guidance counselor, Stiles gets an idea . . .

lightbulb-idea

And it’s right back to business as usual again for our resident Mulder and Scully . . . (sigh)

Seeing the Forest Through the Obsessive Compulsive Drawings of Trees

guidance counselor scene

“Hello, Teen Wolf Contest Winner, who has now gotten speaking lines in not one, not two, but THREE episodes, and is prominently featured in the MTV Teen Wolf after show!”

she doesn't

Seriously, I thought “Danielle” attended private school with the Dead Chick who almost screwed Stiles.  Why is she seeing the Beacon Hills Guidance Counselor?

Anywhoo, Special Guest Star brings the funny, when she quickly cedes her therapy session with the Missing Ms. Morrell to Stiles and Lydia, upon learning from Lydia’s files that she’s a freak of nature who obsessively draws creepy looking trees all over all her notebooks, rather than ever doing any actual school work . . .

looking at the trees

And yet she still gets straight A’s!  Now that’s impressive!

That’s when Stiles figures out that what Lydia is actually drawing is the Nemeton, i.e. the root cellar where all the TV parents are now being kept . . . i.e. the place where Derek killed Paige.

root cellar

smush

In other words, Jenny the Darach didn’t try to kill Lydia, because she’s a banshee.  She tried to kill her because she saw her drawing the one key piece of information that, if exposed, could cause all of the Darach’s plans to go up in smoke . . .

jenny

So, Stiles sends Lydia off to give Derek this important information, while he heads off to distract FBI Douche.

Awkward Encounters

That’s right, FBI Douche.  Stiles’ dad is missing.  And all his friends didn’t show up at school today.  So, you should totally let him go off with the strange gentleman, who is creepily lurking around the school, at the exact moment when this clearly fragile teenage boy needs a place to stay . . .

talking to scotts dad

ill take him

“I like emotionally fragile teenage boys!”

Well, FBI Douche.  The good news is that no one would ever accuse you of being a good guardian.  That means you are totally safe from Jenny the Darach . . .

um sure ok

“Season 3B, here I come!”

Deaton has an idea as to how the Scooby Gang might be able to save their parents.  But, surprise, surprise.  They are going to need Scott for help.

Meanwhile, downtown . . .

me

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Peter was hoping he wouldn’t run into Lydia again, until he found a Hallmark card to send her that says, “Sorry I mind controlled you into trying to kill all your friends, and then pretended to be a teenager, so you’d make out with my grimy corpse.”

As instructed, Lydia tells Derek and Peter about the root cellar.  Unfortunately, thanks to a nice little neck rub they got from Mommy Dearest, Talia, both werewolves have conveniently forgotten its location  . . .

memory removal

Hale Fail #247 . . .

Over in a forest somewhere . . .

Mountain ASSSSSHHHHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo

making mountain ash

mountain ash

If I had one gripe about this otherwise pretty flawless episode it would involve this scene . . . you know, the one where Scott has supposedly made the hugely dangerous decision to join Deucalion’s Alpha Pack, in order to save his mom . . .

standing around with scott

“I’m a bad guy now . . .”

 . . . and that Big Sacrifice seems to mainly involve standing around in a forest with the villains for a few minutes, while they fail to kill Mrs. Morell.  And then going right back to Deaton and his Scooby Gang . . .

ephemeral

You were fun, while you lasted, Random Plot Twist!

But hey, at least now Kali, and the Alphas know that Deucalion was the one who actually killed Ennis!  That ought to . . . have no impact on the plot, whatsoever . . .

dying ennis

cave painting ennis

“But I was such a good artist!”

The Circle of Life . . . and Death

There’s this old movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the old grandpa believes, for some reason, that the World’s problems can be solved, by merely spraying some Windex on them . . .

put windex on it

I feel like that’s how Deaton feels about ice baths . . . Isaac lost his memory?

see me 2

Try an ice bath!  Stiles’, Scott’s, and Allison’s parents may be murdered by an Evil Darach?

cold stiles

Let’s put them all on ice!

1 19 getting colder

Now, while logically, I think the idea of surrogate sacrifices brought on by near death experiences is a TERRIBLE IDEA, I must say that it made for an incredibly poignant way to end the penultimate episode.  Let’s see . . . there was the ominous warning, that, not only will temporary death cause Allison, Stiles and Scott pretty much permanent emotional damage, it will also open up Beacon Hills as a Hell Mouth for every Big Bad in the world recently kicked out of Sunnydale, who is looking for a place to commit carnage . . .

pensive stiles

There was the ritualistic offering up of Totems to represent the deep bonds that exist between each parent and child . . .

items of value

sheriff badge

There was the part where Matchmaker Deaton outed Stiles and Lydia, and Allison and Isaac as future lovers, by pairing them together in the sacrifice, and basically left poor Scott out in the lonely cold . . . literally . . .

guess we are in love

jelly at is

And then, if that wasn’t enough, right when they are all on ice, ready to die, Stiles reveals to the audience that FBI Douche is actually Scott’s dad, who is officially back in town . . .

surprised-face

burgle

Yikes!  When the promos said that this season of Teen Wolf might hurt, they weren’t kidding!

glurg

*gurgle gurgle*

tsst

*tssssssst*

P.S. Derek just un-Alphaed himself to save Cora.  How do ya like them apples, Peter?

ready to heal

veiny

He really ought to consider doing something about those varicose veins . . .

red eye der

blue eye der

smirky peter

Next week, on the season finale of Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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A Life Lived in Shades of Grey – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Fireflies”

bloody with purity ring

“Let [Scott] be the hero of his Black and White World.  Real survivors, you and I, we live in Shades of Grey.”

Ah, sweet Moral Ambiguity!  It’s a touchstone of every supernatural tale.  After all, these characters live in a world where monsters have the capacity to be heroes.

my hero

Heroes sometimes turn out to be monsters.

rawr

And, no matter how much evil you’ve done, during the course of your lifetime, your character’s likeability is almost always directly proportional to how good you look with your shirt off.

derek dream 1

Come to think of it, that’s pretty much true of every show I watch . . .

“Fireflies” saw four of the series’ main characters struggle with issues of morality.  Derek, Allison and Chris Argent each grappled with their instincts toward self-preservation, and shielding their families from harm, versus an obligation to protect innocents, and serve a cause greater than themselves.

allison bamf heir of slytherin

As for Stiles .  . .Poor Stiles!  Not only has his sixteen or so years of chastity left him incredibly sexually frustrated . . .

verbal keyboard smash

blue balls

 . . . now it might actually get him killed!

going to die

What’s worse?  Stiles responsible decision to get a condom last week, might have actually ended up killing his old friend from PRESCHOOL!

condom 2

Geez, writers!  What kind of messages are you sending these young impressionable Teen Wolf watchers?

sex better

Throw in some very smart fireflies, a couple of very unlucky in love lesbians, and the worst place ever to store a school supply cabinet, and you’ve got yourself another banner hour of Teen Wolf, wolfbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  He truly knows how to capture the hidden beauty of dead virgins . . .]

Thug Bug Life

In a town comprised of werewolf packs, suicidal cats, servile psychopathic lizards, and kamikaze birds, it doesn’t surprise me at all that Beacon Hills has a Bug Mafia . . .

If nothing else, the first two scenes of this episode illustrated that the insect organized crime contingent is a force with which to be reckoned . . .

bug mafia

It’s 10 p.m.  Do you know where your children are?

your children

Because rest assured, if I was a parent of young kids in Beacon Hills, mine wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house after 5 p.m., at least until they turned 30.  I’d use straitjackets if necessary . . .

hide your kids

The moon is high in the sky.  Two young kids we’ve never seen before (and, most likely, will never see again) are “innocently” catching fireflies in jars.

cATCHING FIRE

better fly catch

It would be an adorable and relaxing scene, if we didn’t remember what show we were watching . . .

Sure enough, here comes the Big Bad Boyd Wolf . . .

big boyd wolf

Hey, did they change Boyd’s Wolf Look, this week?  He’s looking a bit more Mr. T than usual.  Perhaps, they’ve been feeding him this in bank jail . . .

mr. t cereal

Run into the poorly constructed shed, kiddies!  It worked for the Three Little Pigs!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind!

straw house

HIding kid

anxiety

Boyd is just about to say, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff.  And I’ll blow your house down.”

huff and puff

But then he decides, “Screw it.”

house toss

He lifts up the dinky shed, and tosses it aside like yesterday’s trash . . .

Fear not, kiddies.  Help is on the way!  It’s that stealth band of fireflies you captured, and nearly killed, coming to your rescue!  (Talk about a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome!)

firefl

While Boyd is literally distracted by shiny objects, the kids make their getaway.

hug strange man

“I’m sure it’s perfectly safe to hug this strange man we found lurking in the woods late at night.”

Elsewhere in the woods, a pair of amorous young lesbians on a camping trip aren’t quite as lucky .  . .

lamps

Not to criticize or anything, but if you knew your significant other was deathly afraid of snakes and bugs, why oh why, would you choose, THE WOODS, of all places, as the locale for your first sexual encounter?

no no on

Gee Lover, is that a hideously disgusting spider crawling out of your crotch, or are you just happy to see me?

making out

another bug

A couple of voyeuristic bugs appear on the side of the tent (Free Porn!), and the ill-fated (Emily?) is out of that tent, faster than you can say, “Are you a top or a bottom?”

lots o bugs

Very smart, Emily.  You found a couple of bugs in your tent, so you decided to run outside WHERE ALL THE REST OF THE BUGS ARE!

draco malfoy facepalm

What happens next is pretty darn disgusting . . . but also oddly impressive.  An entire swarm of creepy crawlies completely engulfs poor dumb Emily and LITERALLY MAKES HER DISAPPEAR . . .

creepy crawlies

ghosted shot

puke

Just like the scene with Heather, I’m pretty sure hallucination was at play here.  Last week, whatever took Heather, used her fear of broken bottles and glass stabbed bare feet to lure her to the window, where she was promptly snatched up.  This week, the same supernatural force seemed to use Emily’s fear of bugs to lure her outside her lover’s tent, using the classic “divide and conquer” strategy.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

It’s what happened after that, which confuses me a bit . . .

this is me thinking

What kind of creature has the power to make a person evaporate into thin air?  And why wasn’t the same thing done to Heather, who was bodily yanked from her home by something that, at least based on Heather’s expression, was at least partially corporeal?

stefan shrug

We all remember, from last season, the Stilinskis’ trusty rule.  “One times an accident.  Twice is a coincidence.  Three times is a pattern.”

sheriff thinksession

Pattern . . . here we come!

Omigod, you killed a Jonas Brother!  (You bastard!)

dead life guard

You know, everyone assumes this season’s serial killer is committing its crimes, because it hates virgins.  But maybe it just really, really didn’t like Camp Rock 2.

DEMI LOVATO, JORDAN FRANCIS, ANNA MARIA PEREZ DE TAGLE

jo bros

Poor Lydia!  Apparently, all her screaming has given her just as bad of a headache as it’s given all of us . . .

headache

She calls out to her mom, to tell her that she’s going to the pharmacy.  But her mom, of course, doesn’t answer.

lydia parents

No surprise.  I mean, this is the woman who failed to notice her daughter had a tatted up man in her bed, on the first day of school.

sex again - Copy

My new theory is that Lydia’s mom is actually dead, and has been for quite some time.  I think Klaus from The Vampire Diaries killed her . . .

drowned

klaus cheers

En route to the pharmacy, Lydia ends up taking a detour to the local pool, where the lifeguard is still on duty . . . sort of . . .  This is how you know Jeff Davis and co. have pretty sick senses of humor.  You see, this “guard” may have been a pro, when it came to guarding chastity.  But guarding lives?  Not so much . . .

dummy

“If only he had screwed me.  I would have turned into a Real Boy just like Pinocchio.”

Lydia immediately calls Stiles for help . . .

not ok 1

not ok 2

not ok 3

not ok 4

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 . . . causing Stydia fans the world over to cheer . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

As for Stiles, he’s just jealous that she dialed 911 first.  Damn those pesky authorities!

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911 2

911 3

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Stiles may have missed that first call.  But he’ll be damned if he lets some slimy 911 police escort walk his lady up to her bedroom . . .

ep 5 blow job

That’s a job for Stiles, and Stiles alone . . .

The writers tease fans into thinking Stiles wants to ask Lydia a “Relationship Question,” when he really just wants to know why she still seems to be drawn to dead bodies like a firefly to a rabid werewolves face . . .

face 1

face 2

Source

Stiles and Lydia both wonder if Lydia is being controlled by Peter again.  But I’m pretty sure this a red herring.  On one hand, I do believe that Lydia’s “connection” to dead bodies Banshee .  . . she’s clearly a banshee. is what enabled the then-dead Peter to possess her, in the first place.  However, the kills she was drawn to last season, weren’t Peter’s kills, they were the kanaimas.  Likewise, I’m pretty sure this season’s victims were murdered by something other than Peter  . . .

looking good peter hale

That said, there does seem to be some connection between the fear hallucinations the victims are experiencing prior to their deaths, and the hallucinations the Scooby Gang experienced at the party, care of Lydia’s Mysterious Wolfsbane Juice . . .

lydia and punch

Speaking of jumping to conclusions, Stiles immediately assumes that the Lifeguard was murdered by rabid Boyd and Cora.  So, he warns Scott, that the two must be taken down, ASAP, or more innocent people’s lives will be at risk.  Though Stiles’ conjecture ultimately turns out to be wrong, the assumption that Boyd and Cora are already cold blooded killers is necessary to make the rest of this episode work.  It raises the stakes, and makes the characters’ decisions seem bolder and more impactful than they would otherwise . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Werewolves and Hunters Unite!

Poor Isaac!  The guy has been chopped up, freeze-dried, nipple fried, and pretty much tortured in every way imaginable, these past two episodes, for the sake of “the team.”  And he’s still seems to have red shirt status, among his ever dwindling pack . . .

scared

Scott doesn’t even consider Isaac to be “real help,” when it comes to subduing Boyd and Cora.  Then again, perhaps, that has something to do with Isaac’s insistence on wearing that oh-so-fashionable scarf, on the escaped werewolves trail.  This is Werewolf Hunger Games, not Project Runway, honey . . .

scarf man

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look sexy 2342342

Still  . . . I must admit, the scarf does look pretty damn good.

Anywhoo, Scott suggests the wolf pack commandeer expert werewolf hunter, and erstwhile enemy, Papa Argent to help with the search.  Derek doesn’t think its a good idea.  So, he lingers behind Scott in his new, uber intimidating, Soccer Mom Minivan, to make sure Argent doesn’t try any funny stuff.

sexy

“Pimp my ride, please?”

Come on, Derek.  You’re 24.  What’s with the 45-year olds car?  At least get an option for a sun roof, so you could stick your head out the window, while in wolf mode?

Isaac hopes to use these precious in-car moments with Derek to talk about their “feelings.”  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .

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your sister 2

your sister 3

your sister 4

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Though his attempt failed miserably, I respect that Isaac tried to get Derek to open up about his sister, Cora.  If anyone can relate to have complicated feelings about your blood relations, it’s the guy whose dad used to shove him in an icebox, but suffered an untimely death, due to lizard mauling …

As for Papa Argent, after giving Scott a warm welcome . . .

gunpoint 2

gunpoint

I’ve seen that facial expression somewhere before . . .

ep 6 uh oh no

macaulay_culkin

He tells his daughter’s ex, who his wife tried to have killed, in no uncertain terms, that he is OUT of the hunting business.  Of course, as Papa Argent is about to learn, the werewolf hunting business is like the mafia.  Everytime you try to get out, THEY PULL YOU BACK IN . . .

pull me back in

. . .  you know by casually getting you to drive by teenage corpses, wearing purity rings . . .

dead save

sees it

Now comes the educational part of our program, where we learn all about hunting werewolves in the woods . . .

cool men walking

 . . . you know . . . just in case any of you viewers have an interest in taking on that sort of career.  (By the way, was that Papa Argent’s full time job?  I wonder what one gets paid for catching-but-not-murdering-unless-they-REALLY-ask-for-it supernatural creatures that most of the world doesn’t believe exist.)

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In other not important to anything other than this show news, did you know that fireflies in California (at least the ones not involved in insect organized crime) don’t typically glow?  They have no “fire.”  I guess that makes them just . . . you know . . . flies.

Scott helps out the cause by putting little strobe lights everywhere  (Because werewolves like disco?), and doing completely random flips in the air, for no logical reason whatsoever.

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But at least he’s not doing that ridiculous crab walk thing anymore.

crab man

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

“Show-off!”

As for Allison, having been traumatized once by chilling in a cleaning supply closet with this . . .

dead erica

BabyScared

And again by learning that her mom nearly succeeded in murdering her boyfriend . . .

mom bat

Allison decides to cope with her Massive Case of the Sads, by doing what she usually does when she’s feeling blue . . . namely shooting up sh*t .  . .

dark allison 1

The difference is that NOW she’s shooting sh*t for GOOD, and not for evil . . .

Perched high above the world, Allison uses her bow and arrow to lure Crazy Cora and Boyd right into the Scooby Gang’s trap . . . an “empty school.”  You know, because the Scooby Gang has had so much luck battling baddies at the school, in the past . . .

sarcasm sign

Isaac notices Allison’s handiwork, and is impressed . . . almost impressed enough to lend her his awesome scarf .  . . but not quite.

alli

isaac

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now kiss cartoon

They kill Virgins, don’t they?

dead look

Back at the hospital, Stiles makes a not entirely unexpected, but still massively depressing, discovery . . .

dead heather

Dylan O’Brien knocks it out of the park in this quiet moment that is truly heart wrenching, yet understated, and oddly beautiful   . . .

cry 1

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A lesser actor would have chewed the scenery here, breaking down into loud sobs.  But Stiles knows that emoting won’t bring his friend back.  And he doesn’t feel as though he deserves pity from Scott’s mom, who happens to be with him at the time, or anyone else.  I imagine a part of him might even feel partly responsible for what has happened . . . and wonder whether he could have somehow prevented it . . .

condom 3

Yet Stiles doesn’t dwell on these things.  Instead, he composes himself quickly, and focuses on the matter at hand.  Upon examining the two dead bodies, which, by the way, just seem to be lying around the hospital . . . Stiles immediately determines that the way in which they were killed is inconsistent with a werewolf mauling.  Rather, the deaths, both of which having resulted from a blow to the head, a strangling, and a gutting, seem almost ritualistic.

And then, of course, Stiles figures out what these two sorry corpses have in common . . . THEIR ADVERTISED VIRGINITY.

virgin

That’s right folks, in Beacon Hills the new rule of  to live by is apparently f*&k or die . . .

sex girl boy

Sure enough, our poor bug hating lesbian is revealed to be a virgin as well  . . . a dead virgin.

is it

“Is it Friday yet?’

Though virgin sacrifices are nothing new in horror fare, they actually fly in the face of the teen slasher trope of virgins being the sole survivors of the story.  The sluts always die first .  . .

abide by

never have sex

Needless to say, I’m betting Poor Stiles wishes he was in a slasher film right about now .  . .

stiles sad 3

MTV’s Favorite Antihero Becomes More Hero (and less anti)

Meanwhile, the decidedly non virginal Peter and Derek meet outside the school to discuss the whole Boyd and Cora situation.  An apt pupil of the “Save Your Own Ass” school of thought, Peter advocates letting Boyd and Cora “kill a few homeless dudes” to work off their rage.  Doing this will prevent Derek from having to murder members of his own pack, in order to save virtual strangers.

peter says hi luceateis - Copy

Derek seems to seriously consider Peter’s argument.  After all, saving his own ass first, has worked OK for him so far . . . it helped him to become Alpha.

im the alpha

But when the crew manage to successfully trap Boyd and Cora in the boiler room, just a few moments before sunrise, it seems as though Derek might just be able to get away without making the choice.

close door

And he totally would have been able to do it too, were it not for two ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS PLOT OCCURRENCES . . .

(1) The new English teacher for, some reason, feels the need to hang out at school ALL NIGHT grading papers, despite the fact that school has only been in session for about two days   . . . and   . . . on the first day a flock of birds destroyed her entire classroom . . .

scared teach

and

(2) Some genius thought it would be a great idea to put the school supply cabinet in the BOILER ROOM.  You know .. . because it’s always wise to put large stacks of paper near things that have a tendency to EXPLODE and/or CATCH FIRE . . .

paper girl

So, long story short, Mrs. McDamselinDistress winds up locked in the boiler room with a very hungry, very pissed off Boyd and Cora.

What’s a Sexy Derek to do?

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Ultimately, Derek does the “right thing,” by allowing Boyd and Cora to tear him from limb to limb, so Professor Future Love Interest can live to inappropriately text her students another day . . .

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Then, this happens.  And suddenly, I feel like I’m watching a commercial for Axe Body Spray . . .

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So, yeah, it’s pretty obvious these two beautiful people are eventually going to bang one another.  And I’m glad, for the sole reason that Derek Hale is simply too pretty NOT to be getting laid on a regular basis.

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Of course, right about now, getting Stiles laid is much more important.  Screwing Stiles has officially become a matter of life and death.  So, what do you say, Wolfbangers?  Anyone ready to take one for the team?

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Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

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See ya then, WolfStilesbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Risk and Reward – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Chaos Rising”

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Risk and Reward . . . according to that teacher with a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes Coach Finstock, these are the two principals that guide the stock market.

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And while that’s true, I would argue that the concept of Risk and Reward guides every aspect of human existence. 

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Think about it this way . . . Throughout our lives, we are faced with about a million choices, everything from the small (What am I going to eat for lunch today?  How should I wear my hair?), to the huge (What career path will I take?  Do I want to get married, and have kids?)

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Some choices are riskier than others.  The riskier the choice, the bigger the reward you  reap, if you succeed in taking it.  But if you fail, the consequences you suffer from making a riskier choice, are inevitably much larger than the ones that stem from making a safe choice . . .

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This week on Teen Wolf, the members of our Scooby Gang all engaged in some pretty risky behaviors.  Did their risks pay off?  Would you have made the same choices they did?  Are you feeling lucky, Wolfbangers?

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No?  Well, on to the recap, anyway . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for the awesome screencaps . . . and for instinctively knowing things like that I’m going to make fun of Allison for misspelling “logos.”  And making it about ten times easier for me to do that.]

Stiles Stilinski: Sex with a minor in a room filled with glass bottles, and expensive wine?  YES.  Unprotected sex?  NO!

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Stiles’ perpetual celibacy, and frustrating . . .  shirtfulness (?) . . .

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. . . particularly in a world where all his male co-stars seem to REALLY love the ladies, and HATE cotton .  . .

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. . . have pretty much become a running gag on the show.

But in the opening moments of Episode 2, Season 3, it seems like Stiles might be able to FINALLY cash in that much-treasured v-card . . . or at least show us a little peek of skin, while attempting to do so . . .

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Invited to the party of a childhood friend, who he hasn’t seem in quite some time, poor Stiles’ eyes seem in danger of popping out of his skull, when the same girl with whom he once played Power Rangers, is now mauling his face with her tongue, pushing him into a basement wine cellar, and aggressively propositioning him for no-frills, first time, sex.

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haha facial expressions

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Since Stiles is arguably the moral backbone of this show, I instantly feared that our hero would end up going all “After School Special” on Heather, lecturing her about the need to make ones first time “special,” by doing it with “someone you love” . . .

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Yes, yes . . . I know, that’s technically the “right answer.”  But Stiles is a hormonally charged teenage boy, for crying out loud . . . a teenage boy, who has just been offered sex with a hot teenage girl!  For Stiles to act any other way than exactly how he did (excited, yet fumbling and ridiculously awkward), would be unrealistic for the character . . .

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Stiles’ “I’m about to get laid” dance . . .

But lest you think Jeff Davis and co. have NO sense of moral responsibility, condoms instantly enter the scene . . .

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Indeed, both Heather and Stiles agree that there is “No Glove, No Love,” as far as they are both concerned . . . even if the only “glove” available, might well be about ten sizes too big for Stiles . . . and might just fit around his weiner like a Where’s Waldo hat . . .

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xxl

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Stiles took a risk coming down to the cellar with Heather.  And in running back upstairs to collect the condom, he juggles between two more risks: (1) the risk of STDs and/or Heather prospectively appearing on the next season of Teen Mom versus (2) the risk of her getting brutally mauled by an unseen supernatural creature, in the two minutes it takes him to retrieve a condom from her upstairs bathroom.

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“NOOOO!  Now, I’ll never get to learn what it feels like to have sex with Dylan O’Brien!  Thanks a lot, Unseen Bottle Breaking Killer!”

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Sorry Stiles . . . no reward for you . . . not this time, anyway . . .

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Now, about that mauling . . . On first glance, it appeared like some unforeseen force was breaking all the wine bottles at Heather’s feet.  (Would someone tell me again, why she was barefoot?)

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(Does NO ONE wear shoes on this show?)

But, if you recall, after Heather was taken through the window, Stiles returned to a squeaky clean cellar.

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This scenario presents the possibility that (1) the broken bottles were merely a hallucination, inflicted on Heather, to cause her to move back up against the window (making her easy pickings for whatever was on the other side); and (2) since, as far as we know, Heather is a human, with no relation to the wolfpack world, there may be another big bad lurking in Beacon Hills other than the Alpha Pack .  . . possibly the one that is exerting its influence on all the animals in the area . . .

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But really, all that’s just plot filler.  The importance of this whole scene, for me anyway, was that poor Stiles, still remains sans popped cherry . . . and we never got to see him take off his shirt.  A moment of silence, please, dear Wolfbangers, for another chance to see Stiles pects, crashed and burned . . .

burns paper stiles pls

But hey, look on the bright side!  Thanks to Heather (well, actually, Heather’s “big boned” brother . . . though it’s probably best we don’t think about that) now every girl (and guy) in Stiles’ economics class, thinks he has an extra large package . . .

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Perhaps, there’s some hope for our unlucky-in-love hero yet . . .

Isaac Lahey: Trust undead psycho hipster? NO!  Willingly get spine-raped by undead psycho hipster? YES!

I’ll confess I wasn’t exactly on Team Isaac last season.

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But I must admit, the kid is growing on me . . .

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For an abused child with MAJOR daddy and trust issues, Isaac comes off as surprisingly innocent and childlike . . . a guy who is so deathly in need of a father figure, that he is seemingly willing to trust any weird wolf man, or hot biker chick with advanced weaponry, who shouts orders his way.

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Well . . . almost anybody . . . There are some folks even Isaac doesn’t like . . .

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And while Isaac’s bizarre innocence, in the face of a life filled with literally nothing but sh*t, is risky and dangerous, it’s also oddly refreshing . . .

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Because Isaac could have just as easily become a sullen broody loner like Derek, or a sassy sociopath like Peter .  . .

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Instead, he’s Ronald Weasley with fangs . . .

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Though Isaac clearly has qualms about being molested by Peter, so that the latter can “read his mind” regarding the possible whereabouts of Boyd and Erika, he quickly agrees to do it, simply because Derek told him it was cool  . . .

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“Whatever you say, Sexy!”

And what about Peter?  The big bad of Season 1 (and half of Season 2), who made his grand entrance to a THEME song, now sports super tight hipster pants, walks with a sassy swagger, and has the mustache of a gangster from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire?

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It seems that Teen Wolf is following in the TVD tradition of converting former Big Baddies into uncomfortable allies, just in time for the Bigger Bad to come along . . .

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My theory?  By the second half of this season The EVIL Alpha Pack will also inevitably join forces with Derek & Co., just in time to battle whatever the heck it was that pulled Heather from the window of her wine cellar . . .

But I’m getting ahead of myself here . . . The important thing is that “EVIL” Peter Hale is back.  And though he’s not nearly as evil as he used to be, boyfriend looks goooooood . . .

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OK . . . so you know, when you were a little kid, and you’d go to the doctor to get shots.  And the doctor, or your mom, or whoever was standing next to you at the time, would always say something like, “This hurts me, more than it hurts you?”

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And, even as a little kid, you knew that was a load of crap, because THAT PERSON, wasn’t the one getting BLUDGEONED WITH A NEEDLE IN THEIR ASS!

Well .  . . in this case, mind raping Isaac really did seem to hurt Peter more than it hurt Isaac . . .

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I mean check out that facial expression . . . That is most definitely the opposite of an “O” face, if you catch my drift . . .

More like an “OH NO!” face . . .

Oh No Mr. Eric

Based on doing . . . whatever the f*&k it was Peter did to Isaac, he figured out that Baby Wolf had, in fact, stumbled into the Alpha Pack’s lair, and located Boyd and Erika!

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But . . . he had no clue where they actually were .  . .

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And the pair would pretty much be dead, in less than twenty four hours, if the Scooby Gang didn’t do something to rescue them . . .

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Yeah .  . . mind rape is totally overrated . . .

Derek Hale:  Accept help from the two pretty girls who tried to have you killed last season? NO!  Accept help from Stiles, and that new-fangled toy called the Internet?  YES!

If you are one of the five people who have read my Teen Wolf fanfiction, you know that I find the Derek / Allison dynamic interesting. I mean, think about it.  Allison was raised on fear and hatred of werewolves.   Derek was raised on fear and hatred of the hunters, who he grew up believing had murdered his family.  Allison blames Derek for the death of his mother.  Derek blames Allison for going psycho in Season 2, and trying to kill him, and his entire pack.

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There’s angst there . . . tension . . . a lifetime of hatred.  And yet, at their core, Allison and Derek are very much alike.  They are both products of tough and aggressive upbringings.  They mask angst and sadness, with physical toughness, and violence.  They are both trying to be better than those that came before them, but aren’t quite sure they have enough emotional strength, and “goodness” in them to accomplish that . . .

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That’s why, even though the scene during which Allison and Lydia confronted Derek with the matching marks on their arms, and were brutally rebuffed by him, was pretty much filler, it was also, oddly, one of my favorite scenes from the episode . . .

Crystal Reed and Tyler Hoechlin somehow managed to convey all that complexity in the two short scenes they shared with one another.  Derek, understandably, couldn’t bring himself to accept Allison’s help, or her explanations regarding the possible origins of the symbol on her arm . . .   (He needed to hear the same information relayed to him again, later, by Stiles, before he was willing to act on it . . . a decision, which arguably lost him crucial moments in the rescue of Boyd and Erika.)

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As for Allison, though she was willing to put aside her personal feelings to bring this information to Derek, she couldn’t do so without reiterating her disgust of what he represents . . .

But beneath all this, I saw something else growing between these two characters . . . grudging respect, and maybe, just maybe a hint of sexual tension.

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Do I think the writers will go there with Derek and Allison, this season?  Maybe not.  But the opportunity exists.  And the writers would be unwise to completely ignore it . . .

P.S. How did the Biker Chick manage to brand the bank logo on the girl’s arms, just using her bare hands?  Was she a tattoo artist from the future?  It would certainly explain that weird light saber-y weapon she de-wolfied the twins with, last week.

On a lighter note, I love that Derek Hale is a 24 year old guy, who . . . even though he literally may have been raised in a barn . . . at least went to high school .  . . and yet still seemingly has no clue how to search for things on Google.

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It looks like someone needs to get some private tutoring lessons from Stiles, STAT!  Am I right, Sterek fans?

Isaac Lahey: Risk death by allowing ones self to be submerged shirtless into a bath of ice water?  YES!  Risk death by allowing ones self to be submerged pantsless in a bath of ice water?  NO!

As if last week’s stomach splicing, and nipple electrocution, and this week’s, spine splicing weren’t painful enough, Poor Isaac was forced to endure even more torture, in the latter half of this week’s episode, when the Scooby Gang tried to DROWN HIM IN AN ICE BATH TO PUT HIM IN A TRANCE, just because THIS GUY told them to do it?

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Yikes!  Who knew werewolf hypnosis was so complicated?  Whatever happened to swinging a pocket watch in front of someone’s face, and telling them they were getting sleepy?

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Anywhoo, with little encouragement from the rest of the gang, Isaac gladly took off his shirt, like the good little MTV Heartthrob he is destined to become, but kept his pants on . . . because . . . you know . . . shrinkage . . .

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Perhaps, he felt self conscious, under the watchful eye of Stiles and his XXL condom stash . . .

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Trance-fied, VERY cold, and shrinkage free Isaac reveals to the rest of the wolf pack some crucial information about Boyd’s and Erika’s whereabouts . . .

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. . . but also that Erika might not be so much . . . um . . . alive . . . anymore.

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In other news, there appears to be another mysterious she-wolf incarcerated with Boyd . . .

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As Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”

Derek Hale and Allison Argent: Break into abandoned, Alpha Pack-filled, bank with little plan or forethought?  YES!  Heed the warnings of others? NO!

Stiles Stilinski is my hero, not only because he’s better at doing Fake Google Searches than Allison Argent . . .

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But also because he somehow managed to make the logic leap, from a picture of his dad in a newspaper article about an old bank heist, to eventually getting the old floorplans for that bank, and being able to determine exactly how the crooks broke in, all those years ago  . ..

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I’m telling you . . . in an alternate universe, Stiles and Derek are detectives in a crime procedural buddy cop comedy that my mom watches, after Law and Order SVU. . .

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Need proof?  How about this scene, where Derek proves to Stiles that he can break through a wall of concrete, simply by giving his more diminutive pal, a fist bumping high five . . .

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Now, that must have been some pretty impressive fisting . . .

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Not as impressive as this fisting though . . .

Yet, fisting or no fisting, Derek ultimately decides to bring Scott on his rescue mission, instead of Stiles, because “logical thinkers” tend to be major buzz kills on rescue missions .  . . even logical thinkers with big weiners . . .

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Allison also figures out that the Alphas are hiding Boyd and Erika in the old abandoned bank.  And how just she get in, you ask?  By walking in the front door, of course . . .

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“That was easy.”

Hmmm . . . maybe Stiles isn’t as great of a thinker as I thought.  After all, he just got bested by the girl who doesn’t know how to spell “logos.”

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Boy this bank is becoming a Teen Wolf Reunion special.  First, Allison runs into the school shrink from last season, who rushes her into a cleaning supply closet for her own safety.  Though, honestly, I’m not really sure how safe that closet is, considering the state of Allison’s new “roommate.”

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Ouch Erika . . . looking a little rough, aren’t we?  Someone’s in need of a SERIOUS makeover.

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What?  She’s dead? NOOOOOO!  Not Erika!  Someone get that biker chick to jump start her nipples, like she did for Isaac?

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She’s dead too?  Ohhhh . . . never mind.  Nice knowing ya, Wolf Barbie . . .

Talk about Bad Timing.  Not two seconds after Scott and Derek arrive at the bank, do Stiles and Peter, back home, realize that the Alphas have actually lured Scott and Derek there, as part of an EEEEEVIIIIIL plan.

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You see, this bank is made of some weird material that scatters moon light.  And the Alphas have basically been keeping Boyd, Erika, and . . . Mystery Girl there for three months (I hope they at least let them shower), preventing them from turning into a werewolf, just so Derek’s busting through the ceiling would expose them to the moonlight, making them go super apesh*t.

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That’s a whole lotta work, just to kill a couple of wolves, you probably could have just pounced on and killed on your own, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . last week, we learned that the Alpha’s ultimate goal is to have Derek snuff out Scott, as a potential threat.  And, perhaps, getting him to do that will involve manipulating Derek into joining their pack.  From what we’ve learned in the past, the Alphas in this pack, all murdered members of their entire pack, in order to become part of this one.  Perhaps, it was the Alpha’s intent to capture Derek’s entire pack, and make them all moon-crazed, so Derek would have to put them down, thus inadvertently rendering himself eligible for membership in the ULTIMATE Alpha Pack.

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I suspect they didn’t count on Isaac getting away, or Erika . . . possibly committing suicide to save her pack, or getting mortally wounded while trying to escape to warn Derek?

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I’m still guessing here.  But if the pack’s ultimate goal is to strong arm Derek’s loyalty, it makes sense that the other female wolf they captured, has even stronger ties to Derek than Boyd, Erika, or even Isaac . . .

She is  . . . wait for it . . . his BABY SISTER!

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Huh . . . you say . . . but I thought Derek’s sister was DEAD?

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I thought everyone in Derek’s family was dead .  . . well . . . except for Derek . . . and now Peter . . . and well . . .

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YOU THOUGHT WRONG!

You could just smell the sibling rivalry in the room  . . . along with the ammonia from the cleaning closet, and the stench of three-month unwashed werewolves.  This is going to be GOOOOD!

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Boyd and .  . .  CORA . . .  that’s her name by the way, warn Derek and Scott to leave, before they fully wolf out.

But then, someone traps them in place with a circle of MOUNTAIN ASSSSSSSHHHHHH  . . .

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Who would do such a thing?  Who would betray our heroes?

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oh hell to the no

Mrs. Morell, you traitorous hussy!  And after your friend the vet worked so hard to almost kill Isaac in an ice cold bath to help him find you!

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Some people just don’t know how to show gratitude . . .

Worry not, Wolf Friends.  Allison, fresh out of her ammonia closet / grave is here to rescue you.  She pushes aside the mountain ash, freeing those two rabid werewolves from captivity, and saving Derek and Scott from inevitable demise . . .

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I mean, so what if these two end up devouring all of Beacon Hills?  At least our two sexy stud muffins are safe, right?  Priorities . . .

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Derek, who has never exactly been one for subtlety, decides this is the perfect time to force Scott to tell Allison about that time her dearly departed mother tried to murder his ass . . . AWK-WARD. . .

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“Whatchu talkin about, Derek?”

Meanwhile, back at the Martin House, Lydia wakes up screaming . . . again.

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sookie shut the fuck up

Oh no, Teen Wolf!   Are you trying to tell me that this entire episode was Lydia’s dream?  No?  Maybe she’s upset, because she just found out they canceled Smash?

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lyd screams

“But I LOVE musicals!”

Tune in next week to find out.

See ya then, Wolfbangers!

hi stiles

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Scarred for Life – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Furor”

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STILES: “You know, Derek.  I sure am going to miss spending all these magical moments with you, when this show goes on hiatus.”

DEREK: “I think your wallet is digging into my thigh.”

STILES: “My . . . wallet?”  *whistles uncomfortably*

Greetings Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another.  (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)

“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!

So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .

[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]

In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .

So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?

“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”

“AHHHHH!  Worst . . . sex . . .  tape . .  . EVER!”

One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why.  Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies!  In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .

“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”

This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long.  Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!

“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed.  Soooo many dust bunnies.”

The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory.  So romantic!

After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.

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Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!

*cue the theme song from Titanic*

Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .

In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .

VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.  It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”

DEREK:  “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast.  Or maybe Aladdin.  He was kind of cool.”

Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had.  First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams.  (Does that make sense?)  I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist.  Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .

Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time!  In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.

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What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale.  It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .

The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber  FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life.  Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”

Talk about a rude awakening!  Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?

Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .

The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .

But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title.  You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . .  .

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(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf.  I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder?  Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian.  So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now.  Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)

So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha.  Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”

Yeah, because that’s a great idea!

Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .

In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .

Question:  How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?

Answer: You don’t.  But it sure is fun to try!

Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.

“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”

But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof.  This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.

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(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode?  NO ONE should trust Scott.  Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team.  See analysis above)

The result?  A break in the case!  Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS.  Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE,  where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.

Dude!  That’s what welcome mats are for!

Silly Creepy Camera Guy!  Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?

Just sayin . . .

Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you  guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.

“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”

And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers .  . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”

Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .

In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .

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Poor Allison!  As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH  . . .

You see, that’s the thing,  Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry.  It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments .  . .

In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own.  My theory?  Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent,  wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack.  And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .

ALLISON: “That’s weird.  Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”

GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*

What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.

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Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting.  And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born .  . . for real, this time.

At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face.  He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!)  He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.

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Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .

AHHH!  It’s ALIVE . . . again!

Message sent and received.  Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list.  Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness.  He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.

But Allison is not swayed.  She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.”  In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .

*sniffle, sniffle*

Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.

“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”

It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show.  Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .

“It’s like looking in a mirror.”

Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .

Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt.    It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture.  (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.)  That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play!  Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . .  .

“See?  I’m not all bad!”

In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .

A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.

Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .

You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department.  Don’t you think?  I mean sure, he started out kind of clever,  avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an  innocent.  But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.

More on this, in just a bit . . .

What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!  Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it.  So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .

And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions .  . .

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DEREK: “I think you just bit my nipple.”

STILES: “Did you like it?”

DEREK: “A little bit . . . yeah.”

But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.

However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness.  He wants a copy of the bestiary.  You all remember the bestiary, right?

It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them.  Later, during an office pillow talk session,  Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers.  That’s pretty clever, Derek!

DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”

STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”

DEREK: “F*%k no!  He tried to cut off your head, with his foot.  He can get his own.”

You know what else is clever?  Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .

.  . . but clever . . .

In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .

It’s around this point in the episode,  when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team.  I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned.  What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers.  It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?

Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people.  There’s something kind of circular in that, right?

“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche?  WTF!”

I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable .  . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool.  Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat.  Bummer!

But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!

The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .

Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his  weak murder motives.  But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage.  His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him .  . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.

They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.”  Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people.  Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .

Pretty frightening, right?

Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .

In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .

Silly Gerard!  Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .

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Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”

Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty.  Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself.  “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”

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Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears.  (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)

Then,  Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima.  It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.

“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”

Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes.  Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.

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“WEEEEEEEEE!  I’m flyinnnggggg!

But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year.  Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway.  Now, that’s just cold!

Hey, Matt.  Take a hint . . .

In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)

I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.

She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms.  The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .

The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout.  Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .

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“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”

It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .

In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .

Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.

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Of course, Derek is around to hear this exchange, and he is NOT amused . . .

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*single manly tear*

There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking.  Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy,  who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation.  And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit  .  . .

In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?”

“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”

The drowning scene was uncomfortably long.  And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.

Neither of these things actually happened.  What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.

Hand porn

My theory on this?  Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did.  This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .

Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high?  Because he HAS been.  And he’s been looking good doing it.  Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”

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MOMMY LIKE!

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees]

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The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.