[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders. I haven’t forgotten about you! I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing. But I’m BACK now. You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours. Thanks for your patience!]
Not getting any lovin’ from that special someone in your life? Nick Miller feels your pain . . .
“You’re an emotional fluffer,” the eternally wise Winston warned his perpetually unlucky-in-love loft mate, Nick on this week’s episode of New Girl, which was aptly titled “Fluffer.”
For those of you who don’t know what a fluffer is (or for those of you who are pretending not to know what a fluffer is, because you don’t want anyone to know you actually watch porn . . .) . . .
A “fluffer” is someone whose job it is to keep porn stars “happy” prior to their . . . um . . . cinematic performances . . .
And by “happy” I mean HAPPY . . .
SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself if you didn’t see the episode. WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT? IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE! GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?
Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second. In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .
Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that. You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .
Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?
In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative. With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .
. . . a not-particularly-easy-to-assemble piece of furniture from IKEA . . .
. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless . . .
Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?
Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .
. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .
Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week. Get a load of Mulan . . .
Talk about a hardcore fluffer! I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .
Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, this happened . . .
Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there! If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP. I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship. But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!
Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery? I thought you might . . .
You’ve met Emily Thorne, right? You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke. But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?
And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .
. . . before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her, by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.
. . . because that’s not creepy at all . . .
Confused?
It gets worse. Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.
Insert coin, eject Meal Ticket . . .
So, while our hero, Emily is busy cooking Bartender Dude dinner, giving him longing looks across the beach, and helping him bury his dead dog . . .
R.I.P. Sammy, the almost, but not quite, immortal dog . . .
Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven. Talk about UNFAIR!
This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection. Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?
On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.” Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.
And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .
And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .
So, yeah, love can be tough. And being a fluffer can be even tougher. But rest assured, unrequited lovers, sometimes the nice guy and girl really do get to finish first.
Harry and Sally, Pacey and Joey, Seth and Summer . . . they all eventually got their happy ending. Your time will come too, you Fluffer Nutter, you!
Because even if the girl or guy of your dreams is currently involved with someone else, there’s always the chance that they could break up . . . which brings me to this week’s episode of Glee . . .
But that, my friends, is a story for another post . . .
Greetings Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another. (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)
“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!“
So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .
[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]
In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .
So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?
“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”
“AHHHHH! Worst . . . sex . . . tape . . . EVER!”
One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why. Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers. And, wouldn’t you know it? For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies! In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .
“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”
This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long. Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!
“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed. Soooo many dust bunnies.”
The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory. So romantic!
After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.
Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!
*cue the theme song from Titanic*
Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .
In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .
VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”
DEREK: “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Or maybe Aladdin. He was kind of cool.”
Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had. First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams. (Does that make sense?) I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist. Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .
Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time! In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.
What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale. It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .
The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life. Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”
Talk about a rude awakening! Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?
Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .
The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .
But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title. You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . . .
(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf. I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder? Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian. So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now. Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)
So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha. Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”
Yeah, because that’s a great idea!
Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .
In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .
Question: How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?
Answer: You don’t. But it sure is fun to try!
Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.
“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”
But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof. This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.
(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode? NO ONE should trust Scott. Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team. See analysis above)
The result? A break in the case! Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS. Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE, where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.
Dude! That’s what welcome mats are for!
Silly Creepy Camera Guy! Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?
Just sayin . . .
Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.
“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”
And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers . . .
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”
Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .
In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .
Poor Allison! As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH . . .
You see, that’s the thing, Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry. It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments . . .
In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own. My theory? Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent, wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack. And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .
ALLISON: “That’s weird. Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”
GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*
What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.
Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting. And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born . . . for real, this time.
At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face. He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!) He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.
Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .
AHHH! It’s ALIVE . . . again!
Message sent and received. Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list. Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness. He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.
But Allison is not swayed. She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.” In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .
*sniffle, sniffle*
Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.
“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”
It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show. Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .
“It’s like looking in a mirror.”
Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .
Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt. It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture. (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.) That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play! Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . . .
“See? I’m not all bad!”
In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .
A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.
Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .
You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department. Don’t you think? I mean sure, he started out kind of clever, avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an innocent. But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.
More on this, in just a bit . . .
What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM! Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it. So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .
And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions . . .
But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.
However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness. He wants a copy of the bestiary. You all remember the bestiary, right?
It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them. Later, during an office pillow talk session, Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers. That’s pretty clever, Derek!
DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”
STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”
DEREK: “F*%k no! He tried to cut off your head, with his foot. He can get his own.”
You know what else is clever? Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .
. . . but clever . . .
In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .
It’s around this point in the episode, when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team. I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned. What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers. It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?
Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people. There’s something kind of circular in that, right?
“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche? WTF!”
I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable . . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool. Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat. Bummer!
But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!
The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .
Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his weak murder motives. But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage. His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him . . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.
They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people. Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .
Pretty frightening, right?
Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .
In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .
Silly Gerard! Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .
Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”
Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty. Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself. “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”
Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears. (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)
Then, Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima. It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.
“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”
Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes. Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.
But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year. Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway. Now, that’s just cold!
Hey, Matt. Take a hint . . .
In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)
I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.
She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms. The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .
The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout. Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .
“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”
It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .
In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .
Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.
There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking. Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy, who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation. And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit . . .
In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS. In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?”
“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”
The drowning scene was uncomfortably long. And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.
Neither of these things actually happened. What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.
Hand porn
My theory on this? Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did. This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .
Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high? Because he HAS been. And he’s been looking good doing it. Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”
Greetings Couch Potatoes! It’s been quite a week in TV Land. Planes exploded . . . teens overdosed, graduated, flunked out, and enlisted in the army. There were breakups, hookups, divorces, surprise pregnancies, conspiracies, embarrassing sexual encounters, blatant check fraud, and fake deaths. Someone even joined the Hari Krishna!
So, sit back, relax, and let’s relive all the WTF . . .
Game of Thrones – “The Prince of Winterfell”
So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell. Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .
In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did. Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore. Am I sensing a pattern here?
Oh hey, it’s the Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth comedy hour!
Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.
In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!
Mad Men – “Christmas Waltz”
So, um . . . remember This Guy . . .
(Paul Kinsey)
Well, he’s baaack . . . except . . . well . . . I’ll let you see for yourself . . .
See, folks, this is what happens to you, when you’re dumped by Don Draper. You either put on a ton of weight . . .
. . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.” That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .
See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna. You think you know a guy . . .
Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .
But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right? So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet. After all, he forges his name all the time. Anyway, Lane . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end. But hey, it could be worse. You could be wearing this shirt . . .
In other news, Don and Megan went to a play. Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising. But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .
Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .
This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don. This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.
And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all? They haven’t slept together . . . yet.
Girls – “The Return”
Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.
But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode. I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom. NO ONE!
Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”
If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul. I’m sorry. There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .
In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters. DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”
You know what’s not a “bonding experience?” Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.
And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it, no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode. That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel. (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)
That’s right. Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry. And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima. Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .
Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan. And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.
So, remember that friend of mine? The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover? Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us. I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .
But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice. Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show. In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul. Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive. Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . . EVERYBODY WINS!
My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.
To each his own, I guess . . .
And finally . . .
Revenge – “Reckoning”
Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years. (R.I.P. Sammy!)
So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama. We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .
Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .
But I don’t think any of us expected those aforementioned things to be the LEAST shocking aspects of the episode . . . only to be topped by Emily breaking off her engagement with Daniel . . .
. . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .
And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!
Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky. (Lydia’s probably a goner. I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?) But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year. And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .
So, there you have it, my Week in TV WTF. What were YOU watching?
Chuck: “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair. For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”
Blair: “Tell me about it! You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”
Chuck: “Good point . . . but what about Dan? Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”
Blair: “Who?”
Chuck: “Exactly.”
I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.” Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special” or even all that good, for that matter. I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway. In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .
Screw Little J! If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential. In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now: “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.” (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother, Troy Bolton Ramien!)
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.
Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)
Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)? In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed.
Why? You ask . . .
Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .
When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity. When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”
Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz. Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too. So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor. (Note: If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s grinding backsides love.)
Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy. In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .
The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .
Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
(OK, I’m up! I’m up!)
What’s their ship name, anyway? Ruck? Chaina? Is it even worth the effort of making one up? Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple? I didn’t think so . . .
Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .
Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)
At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl: She has to work . . . hard.
“Surely, this is the first sign of Show CancellationShark Jumping the Apocalypse!”
As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result. This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair. No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!). In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving!
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .
Fear not, Upper East Siders. Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!
Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)
After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.
Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?
The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property. Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute. I SMELL A SCHEME!
Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to screw like bunny rabbits talk.
As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another. Chuck goes first. He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him. (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!)
Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice. Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man. Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.
“You mean I actually have to TALK to her? I’m bored already . . .”
For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard. (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!) Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request. Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .
. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience. So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley.
No bother! If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .
So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now. But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER. (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?) Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out.
And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.
“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.
“You’re overselling. Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.
Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance, he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .
“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”
Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek
Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours, Chuck really turns on the charm. He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by. When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it? RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!
You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS? I’M SHOCKED!
The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place! This must be Lame True Love, right? Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass. Raina accepts!
“I am SO GOOD!”
And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party. Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company. Raina asks Chuck if this is true. He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*
“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.
“I’m MAD AS HELL. And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”
Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit. Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed. (Wow! She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)
Blair to Shark: “Consider yourself JUMPED.”
Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result. On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .
Later that night, W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant). Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found. Nate is there, however . . .
Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him. Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help. Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”
Who knew?
With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags. So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR. (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?” She wonders.)
When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news. Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something. So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.
“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?” Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s plot device change of heart.
As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .
“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”
In other news . . .
He’s Baaaaack!
Ugh! Ben . . . again! When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already? Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season?
Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?
Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?
Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT. He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK.
“W . . . T . . . F!”
To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE. For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF! (The horror!) Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .
NOT COOL, BRO!
Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric. Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM!
(Seriously, Eric? Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)
“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode. So, what? At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”
Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail. At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.
Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face. He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it. (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.” Isn’t it, Damien?)
When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .
“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”
Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event. And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself because he is such a Boring Loser. Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again. However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him. As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course). Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .
Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges. He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.
“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”
And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders! Until next time . . .XOXO!
A WORD OF WARNING, BEFORE WE BEGIN: I’m a Chair Fan . . . BIG TIME! Dair Fans, some of this recap might annoy the heck out of you. Please enter with caution. And don’t say you weren’t warned . . .
BLAIR: “Wait a minute! Why am I FIGHTING with you over a stapler? I have never stapled anything in my life! Dorota stapled everything for me from the day I was born until middle school. After that, my minions took over the job.”
DAN: “Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Just like I don’t understand how YOU ended up being the one who ‘worked hard to earn’ this internship, and I got it as a result of my ‘vast connections.’ Not to mention, the silver spoon Lily van der Woodsen has apparently, lodged up my ass, ever since she started boning my father.”
BLAIR: “Ughhh, does this mean I’m still in that weird Nightmare World, where I suddenly know how to do thinks like ‘wash dishes,’ and rarely ever get to interact with Chuck?
DAN: “I’m afraid so, Miss Waldorf. I’m afraid so . . .”
BLAIR: *closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together repeatedly* “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no . . .”
Just when you THINK you know a person, he or she can start doing things that are *ahem* COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER. If there was any theme at all to Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko” episode, I would say that would be it. And yet, toward the end of the episode, people returned to acting JUST how you would expect them to act. Thus, proving that, at the end of even the darkest of tunnels, a bright light will ultimately shine through . . .
“Chuck Bass . . . and no guest. You may enter my dress.“
Let’s review, shall we?
Blair plays nice(?), while Dan plays . . . with himself
“Ak . . . and now I’m sitting on a DIRTY FLOOR . . . IN MY DESIGNER DRESS? What the heck is WITH this episode?”
When the episode begins, Blair and her roomie Serena are preparing for the day ahead.
In a rare turn of events, Serena is extremely chatty about her plans for the upcoming week (i.e. “To give my Ex-Con Teacher Friend an “I’m sorry my family TOTALLY ruined your life, but, as it turns out, you kind of deserved it, because you and your sister are ABSOLUTE NUTBAGS, who almost got me killed” F*&k, by Friday.”). Blair, on the other hand, is alarmingly secretive about her To Do List.
(OK, since when has Blair EVER kept quiet about her career, and / or plans for Eventual World Domination? The only time Blair is supposed to be keeping secrets, is when she’s having Mindblowing Sex with Chuck, and doesn’t want anyone else to know about it . . . because they’d be way too jealous.)
“You know you love us . . . together. XOXO!”
And yet, it is absolutely essential for this Bizarro Plot of the Week that positively NO ONE, save Blair herself, know about the internship she supposedly worked so hard to secure, sometime between this week’s episode and last. “I feel like I’m living with Don Draper,” remarks Serena.
No, Serena. You WISH you were living with Don Draper. I hear he “Likey The Blondes,” particularly ones that are young, extremely promiscuous, and have low self-esteem, like yourself.
Blair leaves the apartment, and meets up with her New Movie Buddy Dan, who, apparently, she’s been seeing quite a bit of, since their first Holiday Dalliance, during the mid-season finale. (Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine Blair enjoying herself in a place where Popcorn and Soda in a Plastic Cup are the choicest items on the menu.) It seems, based on the pair’s exchange, that these two have had plenty to talk about, during their nights out. Everything from movies, to books, to art is discussed, analyzed, and promptly disagreed upon, in a matter of two minutes.
And yet, during all this time, NEITHER Blair, nor Dan, has mentioned where he or she is planning to INTERN. This is despite the fact that these two are SO scholarly and ambitious, that obtaining said internship SHOULD have been the PRIMARY thing on BOTH of their minds, ever since winter break concluded. (I mean, it’s not like EITHER of them has been getting laid!) But hey, Plot Devices . . . they are important, right? So, Blair and Dan part ways, only to find themselves together again, just moments later, in the Copy Room of W Magazine.
“You want me to WHAT? Collate? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You, over there, in the unfashionable suit, get Dorota on the phone and ask her to tell me what ‘collate’ means?”
Now, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair — a girl, who just last week, memorized the entire biography of a woman on the Forbes list, and literally made a life-sized CHART of her day-to-day schedule, in order to secure an internship with her — wouldn’t even THINK to inquire as to whether there might be OTHER interns working with her at a company as large as the W Magazine. In fact, the Blair WE know and love, would have probably collected a full dosseir on EACH of the other interns (Dan included), complete with their Deepest Darkest Secrets, and already begun the process of bringing each and every one of them down. But, like I said, Plot Devices are important . . .
“Epperly” Blair’s and Dan’s modelesque, but obviously business-minded, boss informs the group that they are all fighting for the same job — which appears to be an “assistant to the editor’s assistant” — sort of deal. (Lesson to you future employers out there: If you want to GUARANTEE a toxic environment within your workplace, THIS is how you do it.) That being said, I actually saw a lot of promise in this storyline . . . intially.
I pictured Dan and Blair banding together (They are members of the SAME Scooby Gang after all), to cleverly and hilariously weed out the other interns, only to engage one another in heated battle, during the final moments of the episode. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen . . .
“W . . . T . . . F!”
I also expected for a place like W Magazine to engage its potential employees in a series of meaningful, Project Runway for Fashion Writers-esque competitions. This way, the “competitors” could truly showcase, which of them was the Best of the Best for the position. What I got instead was Dan and Blair pretty much ignoring the rest of their competition (to their peril, I might add) and engaging in fundamentally idiotic battles over who made the best lattes, and who got to “handle the stapler.” (Unfortunately, this is NOT a Euphemism for Sexual Activity).
All complaints aside, one part of GG’s take on The Devil Wears Prada 2: Electric Boogaloo that I did enjoy, was when Blair distracted Dan from one of his menial office tasks, by shouting to him, “Oh, look! It’s Georgina’s Baby!”
Do you remember that storyline? Because Dan Humphrey probably wishes that you would forget it.
But when the interns actually are assigned a GENUINELY competitive task: Who can get the most prestigious guest to attend Gossip Girl’s Fancy Party of the Week W Magazine’s promotional event? . . . well, that’s when things get REALLY bizarre. As Convenient Plot Devices Luck would have it, both Dan and Blair somehow manage to get a hold of one another’s proposed guest lists. Yet while Blair stupidly politely throws Dan’s list in the trash, determined to play fairly for once, DAN sabotages her, by preventing her prized guest from attending the event.
On the night of the party, Blair finds herself working the door, when, who should enter, but Chuck Bass. Thus, begins, what, OF COURSE, was my favorite scene of the entire episode . . .
BLAIR: “Chuck Bass . . . and no guest. You may enter.”
CHUCK: Blair Waldorf . . . working the door.
BLAIR: “I got an internship at W Magazine.”
CHUCK: “Knowing you, you’ll be Editor and my wife by May. Your plan is working.
BLAIR: “So, it seems to be.”
And in that one small scene — surrounded, as it was, by abyss of woeful Chair-lessness – I found HOPE, for the couple I’ve grown to love over four seasons. Though admittedly short, the interaction was pulsating with chemistry, sexual tension, longing looks, and above all, an unmatched sweetness. This unique flavor of sweetness is one that Chuck and Blair reserve exclusively for one another. Though, on occasion, they can be KIND to others (generous, and self-sacrificing even), never are these two driven, extremely serious, individuals EVER “sweet.” Unless, of course, they are together, sharing a moment like this one.
Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Chuck’s words to Blair, during their painful breakup, back in “The Witches of Bushwick” episode, “When two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”
That, of course, is “The Plan” to which Chuck refers in the scene. And that plan IS working. Because as Blair mentioned during “The Witches of Bushwick,” she needs to chart her own path in life, before she can build a true and everlasting future with Chuck. Succeeding at this internship, is her first step down that Golden Path . . .
So, of course, Dan has to go and screw it up, by sabatoging Blair’s party list, and, thereby, causing THIS to happen . . .
(I would like to note, at this point, that I was searching for a picspam on the Dair tumblr page to insert into this recap. And the mere act of doing so NEARLY gave me a virus. My computer started doing all these weird scary things, and I had to unplug it quickly, before any more damage can be done. I suspect this is either the result of Dair fans wanting revenge against me for my undying devotion to Chair, or the universe trying to tell me something . . .)
Anyway . . .
Back at the W offices, Blair and Dan are packing their things, when Blair reveals to Dan just how big of an ass he REALLY is. As it turns out, Blair’s mom DIDN’T secure Blair this internship, as Dan (and most of us) assumed. Instead, she stalked the office, like a crazy person, to get the job . . . creepily bombarding every fax machine in the office with her resume.
Then she KILLED the intern who was ACTUALLY supposed to get the position . . . just kidding!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this “New and Improved” Blair, who’s willing to actually work hard to get what she wants, as opposed to getting there through manipulation and nepotism. And yet, I find it VERY hard to believe that Eleanor, one of New York’s Premier Designers, couldn’t get Blair an internship at W, by . . . say . . . offering its editor an exclusive peek at her Spring Line. Nevertheless, I agree with Blair, that, Dan’s career aspirations and talents would be better suited with him working for an enterprise like The New Yorker. (For the record, Lily got Dan HIS job . . . probably by paying off Epperley, or screwing the director of Human Resources, knowing her.)
“You wanted an internship. I wanted THIS one,” argues Blair.
Dan then wondered out loud (as most of US wondered) why Blair didn’t sabotage Dan’s efforts to secure a guest for the party. “Guess I must have an undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought this fake friendship might be real!” Blair admits.
“Well, don’t I feel like a Douche!”
Ultimately, Dan redeems himself, by calling Epperley, and admitting that HE was the one who sabatoged Blair’s internship efforts, not the other way around. He goes one step further, by fibbing that it was BLAIR, and not Dan, who got Dan’s famous guest to arrive at the party. He even goes as far as to tell his former boss that HE started the knockdown, drag out, fight with Blair, just to make her look bad.
It WAS a genuinely nice gesture on Dan’s part, I must admit — one that shows that Blair was right. Her FRIENDSHIP with Dan is a real one. And yet, I can’t help but notice that, having lost HIS internship already, Dan really had nothing to lose, by calling Epperley, and taking the blame for what had happened at the party. Now, had only BLAIR been fired, thereby, forcing Dan to GIVE UP the position . . . so that she could have it, in his place . . . THAT would have been a special sacrificial act, indeed.
(A missed opportunity, Gossip Girl writers! If you want us Chair Fans to support a Dan and Blair hookup . . . even if it’s only a temporary one, which ultimately ends in a lasting friendship for the pair . . . you are going to have to work WAY harder than that!)
The next morning, Blair is sulking in bed with Serena, when Epperley calls her, to tell her she has her job back. Blair has 15 minutes to get her butt to the office. (You can’t get ANYWHERE in 15 minutes, in Manhattan!) This probably would explain why Blair showed up at work looking like THIS . . .
Looks like SOMEONE raided SERENA’s closet, by accident . . . FISHNET STOCKINGS? PINK SHORTS? A GRANNY SWEATER? SERIOUSLY, B?
In other news . . .
Strange (and boring) bedfellows
Chuck’s been doing the Horizontal Mambo with Raina, in hopes that she will fall so desperately in love with him, that she will convince her father not to buy out Bass Industries. Riiiiight . . . because THAT always works. (And by “always,” I mean “never.”) Chuck, I’m disappointed in you. Clearly, you need Blair on your side to help you come up with better Diabolical Plans.
Chuck’s eyes are closed, because he’s sleeping through this scene . . . as are most fans.
Chuck’s duller than dishwater scheme hits a bit of a snag, when he learns that Russell Thorpe has hired Nate’s ex-con dad to do his dirty work for him. So, Chuck stupidly requests that Raina fire him. Insulted that Chuck would have the GALL to mix business with pleasure (Clearly, this chick has never watched Gossip Girl before.) Raina kicks Chuck out of her bed . . . for about an hour. Then she takes him back. *Yawn*
Speaking of Nate’s Coke addicted loser of a Papa . . . The Captain of Douchebaggery . . .
. . . he’s positively SHOCKED that his son would even THINK that he, of all people, would sabotage Chuck’s business interests, while working for his corporate enemy. So, the morally outraged Captain moves out of Nate’s house. And then . . . wait for it . . . he tells Russell Thorpe that he is willing to sabotage Chuck’s business interests. SURPRISE!
Eric Finally Gets His Own Plotline! (YAY!) Too Bad its One That Makes Him Look Like a Gullible Moron (BOO!)
The Awkward Moment when you come home, to find your Ex-Boyfriend and your Mom engaged in an in-depth conversation about your Love Life, or lack thereof . . .
This week, we learn that, even though Eric CLAIMS to have been spending time with his boyfriend, Elliot, they actually broke up weeks ago. (Way to spill the beans to Mom, LAME-O Ex Beau, Jonathan!) Instead, Eric has been spending his time filling up on sleeping pills, and hanging out with Drug Dealing Damien — the same guy who (1) almost KILLED Serena, by dealing the drugs Juliet used to knock the poor girl unconscious; AND (2) almost date raped his former bestie, Little J a.k.a. Raccoon Zombie.
He’s still hot though . . . which, come to think of it, may be why Eric likes him so much.
Eric eventually comes clean to his family about what he’s been doing, these past few weeks. But, alas, Mini van der Woodsen is SO very lonely, that when Drug Dealing Damien calls him, in the last few moments of the episode, with offers to “be his friend,” Eric accepts the invitation without a single moment of questioning or hesitation. Well, this certainly doesn’t look good . . .
Speaking of Drug Dealing Damien, his Call of Friendship to Eric seems to be in response to a recent threat he received from Ex Con, Ben (or, as I like to call him, Professor Pedophile) who warned the Triple D to stay away from Serena’s family, even thoughProfessor Pedo claimed earlier in the episode that he had “no romantic feelings for Serena, AT ALL.”
“That’s not really true, Serena. I dreamed about you in prison . . . every single time I dropped the soap.”
Regarding the Happily Now-Of-Age Sort-of / Kind of Couple . . .
Serena is in love AGAIN! (It must be a Monday!)
It appears that Eric isn’t the only van der Woodsen that’s a Glutton for Punishment. No matter that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in prison, and hired his own sister to basically ruin Serena’s life for the entire first half of the season, Serena is positively smitten with Professor Pedo. And when he tells her that he’s leaving town in a few days to start an Organic Farm in Ithaca (?) (Oh, Professor, you are SO on the wrong show!), Serena is positively heartbroken. She’s even more shocked to learn that Professor Pedo isn’t living on his friend’s couch, as he mentioned, but at a Super Seedy Halfway House . . .
It should, perhaps, be noted that Serena defines a “Super Seedy Halfway House” as anything below 80th street . . .
At the Gossip Girl Fancy Party of the Week, Serena’s affection for Professor Pedo grows, when he offers some “fatherly” (hint, hint, wink, wink) advice to Eric about staying away from drug dealers like Damien (and ex cons, like himself, and the Captain of Douchebaggery). Then, Ben actually goes so far as to REJECT Serena’s romantic advances. This nearly sends the Masochistic, Serial Dumping, S to her knees, with orgasmic pleasure.
“Yes . . . yes . . . yes! Reject me! Say you hate me! Treat me like crap, and try to have me murdered! MORE! MORE! MORE!”
So, of course, Serena is flabbergasted, though not exactly surprised, to find that Evil Mommy Dearest Lily (who redeemed herself in fans eyes for precisely two seconds, by getting Ben released from jail) had tried, once again, to use her money and influence to keep Professor Pedo out of the van der Woodsen’s lives for good.
Ben refuses the money, however. And this prompts Rufus to take him on as a tenant. Serena is POSITIVELY THRILLED with this new development. But it just makes me nervous . . . really nervous.
And that’s all I’ve got on Damien Darko. But, of course, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the episode!
Welcome Back, GGers! I’ve MISSED you! Heck, I’ve missed ALL my favorite Upper East Siders! It’s definitely been a long and dark December, without a hint of gossip, a dollop of scandal, or a heaping helping of Limosine Sex, to keep me warm . . .
And, honestly, I think it’s BECAUSE I missed this show, and these characters, so much, that I had such a great deal of trouble sitting down to write this recap. You see, I really, REALLY wanted to kick off the second half of the fourth season of Gossip Girl, by writing an energetic, fun, and, above all, extremely positive, recap, of which I could truly be proud. But then, I watched this episode . . . and . . . well . . .
. . . Suffice it to say, I had some “less than positive” things to say about it.
OK . . . I know what you’re thinking! I can practically feel you rolling your eyes at me from your computer screen . . .
Your thinking to yourself, of course SHE didn’t like the episode! SHE is a crazed, unapologetically biased, Chair Fan. And “The Kids Are Not All Right,” not only featured virtually NO interaction between Chuck and Blair whatsoever, it also depicted both characters getting “friendly” with other members of the opposite sex, from OTHER “Ships.”
Good point! But it’s not ALL about that! REALLY! I mean, surely, I’ve enjoyed at least SOME GG episodes that didn’t feature solid Chuck and Blair scenes in them.
I mean . . . I can’t really think of any right now. But I’m willing to bet they exist! 🙂
In all seriousness, it was the STORYLINES of “The Kids Are Not All Right” that really bugged me: Another “Battle for Bass Industries” . . .
. . . another situation, where Blair schemes to get some “prestigious” internship with some fancy One-Week-Wonder Guest Star, only to have it ultimately blow up in her face . . .
. . another storyline where Dan fumbles a “great” opportunity, because he’s too busy following Serena around like a puppy dog to care about his own life . . .
. . . another Nate’s Deadbeat Dad storyline . . . COME ON, Gossip Girl! These aren’t the fun, sexy, and uniquely scandalous storylines that have kept us coming back, week after week, for FOUR YEARS NOW!
That being said . . . I thought a lot about how I could write this recap, and keep it “positive.” I explored a lot of options. I even considered MAKING UP STUFF, and pretending that it happened in the episode — thereby, turning this “recap” into what would essentially be a glorified Chair fanfiction . . .
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
And that’s when it hit me . . .
I don’t NEED to insert any fake Chair scenes into this episode, because this episode is ALREADY ALL about Chair . . . and (unfortunately, for me, because I’m a Serenate fan) Derena. Specifically, “The Kids Are All Right” is about how these two seemingly volatile couples are both essentially DESTINED to be the “Endgame” in Gossip Girl world!
(Suddenly, I’m liking this episode a WHOLE lot better . . .)
Confused? Allow me to help you examine “The Kids Are Not All Right” from what I’d like to call the “Chair Perspective.” (Oh, and for those of you who aren’t Chair fans, you may want to skip down to the words THE END at the bottom of this VERY Chair-full recap section. I don’t want to make you any madder at me, than you probably already are. ;))
The Chair Perspective – Blair’s Path to Greatness
Remember “The Witches of Bushwick” episode? If so, then you probably recall how Chuck and Blair FINALLY mutually confessed their love for one another, only to break up outside the Empire Hotel, moments later, so that Blair could try and “find herself.” Here are some of the “highlights” of that heartbreaking scene:
BLAIR: “I followed my heart all last year, and it got me no where. Now I need to follow my head . . . I have to be Blair Waldorf, before I can be Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.
CHUCK: “I love you.”
BLAIR: “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”
CHUCK: “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”
A pointless breakup of two soulmates, you say? ABSOLUTELY! 🙂 And yet, the above scene is very meaningful, in terms of this episode! You see, Blair always knew she didn’t want to simply follow in her mother’s footsteps, or live off her family’s wealth.
Blair wants to chart her own path, and be a successful, powerful woman, in her own right. But, up until this point, she had NO CLUE what that path was! That’s why she always got her ideas for internships and extracurriculars activity ideas out of Forbes Magazine, as opposed to by picking her own brain. Yet, this week, with the help of her new buddy, Dan (Yes, I said Dan . . . and “buddy,” of course) as well as the support of her mother, Blair, for lack of a better term, finally figured out what she “wants to be when she grows up.”
Chair Fans, Blair Waldorf is destined to be the next Anna Wintour!
She’s the editor of Vogue, in case you were wondering.
And once Blair is confident that she can successfully achieve that goal, she will be ready to begin the lifelong relationship with Chuck that we all know she is destined to have. In real life, “finding yourself” can take years, maybe even a lifetime! But in TV land, it takes approximately “four episodes” . . .
“If two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back [to eachother],” says Chuck Bass.
And, if my predictions are correct, Blair should be “back” to Chuck in four-to-six episodes . . . Sound good?
But What About Chuck?
Chuck may not have been as adamant about it as Blair was, but he also needs to find himself, before he can enter into a livelong relationship with Blair. Unlike his soulmate, who has spent her whole life striving for success, Chuck merely allowed it to be handed to him. The Chuck Bass we met during Seasons 1 and 2, cared little about academics, and only slightly more about his father’s business and finances. He was much more interested in booze and sex.
Chuck inherited Bass Industries. He never had to work for it. And in the first few months of his ownership of the company, he squandered his wealth and the company’s good name. So, his stepmother, Lily had to step in, and take the reigns for him.
Now Chuck is at risk to lose Bass Industries once again. And this time, Lily can’t help him. This time, Chuck must prove to himself, (and to rest of New York City) that HE is not just the slacker son of a Real Estate Magnate, but a force to be reckoned with — an adult, who is capable of running a successful Empire (and Empire Hotel, of course). Only when Chuck has accomplished this, will he feel truly worthy of Blair, or at least, of the strong powerful business woman that she is destined to become.
This is why this whole (admittedly snoozy) Bass Industries storyline, is essential to the Chair Endgame. It is forcing Chuck to prove himself, in a professional way, and on his own merits, without his parents, step-parents, or his slimy older brother to lift him up, if he falls.
So what’s the deal with Dair? (And why are Chuck and Serena getting so pal-y all the sudden? Because, that’s just creepy!)
Watching Dan interact with Serena this week, proved to me that he and Blair are in effectively the same place, in terms of their respective relationships. Both Dan and Blair are more studious, and hardworking than their counterparts. And yet, they also tend to sacrifice more of their own success and happiness for that of their significant others, due to their generally giving (albeit, slightly judgmental) natures. Blair mentioned in “The Witches of Bushwick” that she followed her heart for a year, and it got her nowhere. Dan might have said the same thing, if he had more lines, during that episode . . .
No less than THREE times, during this episode, Dan gave up his own plans, and even a JOB INTERVIEW, to cater to Serena’s whim. And each time, she DITCHED HIS ass! To echo Blair’s now-iconic words, Dan REALLY needs to become Dan Humphrey, before he can become Serena van der Woodsen’s boyfriend! And who better to help him chart that path (platonically, I hope!), than the one woman who wants to achieve the exact same thing, for herself?
We know that Dan helped Blair out this week, by letting her know that she was a “Dictator of Taste,” someone who let people know, in no uncertain terms, that “tights are NOT pants” (Nice Season 1 reference, Humphrey!) This, of course, helped Blair to figure out that she wanted to one day become the Editor (Editrix?) of a Fashion Magazine
But Blair helped Dan too! She told Serena, that she couldn’t keep stringing her poor dopey dog of a boyfriend on such a short leash, and just expect him to roll over and play dead for her, forever. And it was this conversation between the two besties, that ultimately allowed Serena to see the sh*tty way she was treating Dan. Basically, it convinced her to break things off with him now, so the pair could get back together, later. (Sound familiar?)
In essence, Serena’s breakup with Dan this week, almost perfectly mirrored Chuck’s with Blair, in “The Witches of Bushwick,” in that both pairs needed to find themselves, individually, in the short term, to salvage their relationships, in the long term. “We either sink or swim. We won’t get another chance,” Serena tells Dan. “So, when we try again, we better be ready.”
This brings us to Serena and Chuck. (YES! They are related . . . in more ways than one. :))
Like Chuck, Serena has never been exactly what you would call, “ambitious.” Both Upper East Siders have reputations for being hard partiers, and more than a bit slutty . . . *cough the Raccoon Zombie Sex Incident cough* Up to this point, both Chuck and Serena have gotten where they are in life, through a mix of good luck, and unadulterated nepotism.
So, while Chuck needs to break free from Lily, to prove to himself he can run Bass Industries on his own, Serena needs to break free from her mother too, to prove to herself that she’s more than just the van der Woodsen heiress getting wasted on page 6 of the Post, she’s her own Slutty Person! So, Chuck and Serena can help one another achieve their goals, in the same way that Dan and Blair can help one another achieve their’s.
And when that’s all said and done (hopefully, in approximately four episodes), . . .
. . . everything will be exactly how it’s supposed to be. (Well, unless you prefer Serena with Nate, like I do. But we can’t have EVERYTHING we want, can we?)
THE END(GAME)!
And now, for those other storylines I mentioned earlier. . .
Nate’s Dad is The Captain (of a Sinking Ship)
This question is specifically directed to those of you who have spent time in prison. (Don’t worry, I won’t ask for names!) Remember when Nate’s dad, “The Captain” looked like THIS?
Well, what the heck HAPPENED to him in the pokey, that he now looks like Uncle Fester, from the Addams Family?
You might have just assumed that the ACTOR (Sam Robards) who plays “The Captain” has merely lost his hair, and put on a few pounds, since we last saw him. But, really, FOUR YEARS is NOT THAT LONG! I think the costume department suggested this “new look” for Howard Archibald. My question is, “Why?”
I always thought folks in TOUGH High Security Prisons (where “wrongly accused” teachers got other inmates to beat the crap out of you, just to “teach their baby sister a lesson)” did nothing all day, but lift weights, do push ups, run laps around the track, and try not to drop the soap in the communal shower. But apparently, I was mistaken. Is prison food really THAT good? Just saying . . .
So, anyway, The Captain is living with Nate, and has basically become a total leech, and waste of life. Rather than abide by the conditions of his parole, and get a job, “The Captain” prefers instead to boink the help (who are helpfully clad in French Maid Halloween costumes, just in case we couldn’t figure out what they did for a living), and play Nate’s Wii in his hotel apartment.
The Captain later tells Nate that this is because he’s “too good” for janitor work. Nate, understandably doesn’t buy it.
And yet, “The Captain” seems to catch a TOTALLY undeserved career break, when the EEEEEVVVILL Russell Thorpe hires him to do . . . well . . . heck if I KNOW! Whatever it is, I strongly suspect that “The Captain’s” undoubtedly job description will end up making janitors look like Mother Theresa, by comparison . . . (I don’t buy for a second, that Russell didn’t know about The Captain’s incarceration, just because he used to live in Chicago, instead of NYC. Do you?)
Speaking of Bass Industries (and Russell Thorpe) . . .
Upon learning that Lily has designs on selling his company out from under Chuck’s nose, Chuck seeks out the help of a man who used to be business associates with his father, a Chicago Tycoon, named Russell Thorpe.
What Chuck doesn’t know, at least, until the end of the episode, is that Lily was actually selling the business to a benevolent third party, who would keep the Bass name in tact, and prevent the now-financially destitute company from going up on the auction block. Oh, and that “friend” of Bart Bass, Russell Thorpe? He actually HATED Chuck’s dad with a passion! (Who didn’t, right?) So, of course, upon learning from Chuck that Bass Industries is being sold, Thorpe blocks the sale, so that HE can buy the company at auction price, and sell it for parts, as a form of revenge against the dearly departed (Debarted?) Bart.
How does Chuck respond to this total threat to his financial health, and good name, you ask? Well, by SCREWING Russell’s daughter, Raina, of course!
Screwing people, after all, IS what Chuck Bass does best! (Just ask Blair!)
But Chuck Bass isn’t the only one, who has seemingly misread Lily van der Woodsen’s intentions. Serena screwed up as well. With Chuck’s help (and armed with Lily’s Glamour Shots-looking passport) . . .
(Seriously, who’s passport photo actually LOOKS like this? Mine is so scary looking, it actually breaks MIRRORS, when I leave it to close to them!)
. . . Serena somehow convinces a clearly BLIND bank manager that she is her 40-something year old mother, and that Chuck is her SON!
Way to keep the storylines plausible, Writers!
This allows Serena and Chuck to go digging through Lily’s safety deposit box at the bank. And, lo and behold, in there they find the fake affidavit that Lily signed on Serena’s behalf, to put Juliet’s brother Professor Ben away for a sex act he didn’t commit. (Actually, Professor Ben may be the ONLY man on the East coast who HASN’T slept with Serena . . .)
Chuck and Serena plan to show this affidavit to the judge who originally signed off on it, and prove to him that it’s a fraud, thereby ensuring Ben’s release. And yet, the Judge seems to have flown the coop . . . or has he? With Little Eric van der Woodsen’s help, Serena learns that the Judge had been staying at the Empire at Lily’s behest, but has now left town. Could Lily have been paying the judge off, to stay hidden, so that her daughter couldn’t FIND HIM?
THE HORROR!
When Serena confronts Lily with the incriminating affidavit, at the episode’s Fancy Party of the Week, Lily balks at the idea that she has done anything wrong. And yet the argument, causes a stir among the partygoers, illustrating publicly the unrest that exists between the Bass-van der Woodsen families. And it is this unrest that Russell Thorpe is ultimately able to capitalize on, when he is making a play for Bass Industries . . .
And yet, as it turns out, Lily ends up not being as BIG of an A**HOLE as we once thought she was! Because, at the end of the episode, when Serena goes back to the jail to visit Ben, she learns that Judge in question has already released him from jail, thanks to the presumably well-intentioned efforts of Lily, herself.
But, you know, Serena! This girl is absolutely incapable of ending an episode, without doing something self-destructive and stupid. And so, she meets up with former-convict Ben (who is creepily waiting for her outside the jail, even though he was released HOURS ago), and invites him for sex coffee. Need I remind you that this is the same guy who “hired” his baby sister to ruin Serena’s life, not to mention, the same guy who had The Captain ground to a pulp, by his fellow inmates, just to keep that same baby sister in line, when she started to develop a conscience?
“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All? That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”
Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she? Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side. Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!
That’s right, Serena. The Triumverate of Evil is COMING. And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!
While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .
Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation
“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.“
When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?
“Are you KIDDING ME with this? This is what I’ve been reduced to? Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”
“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”
So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN. Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram. And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .
Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show. I improvised a bit . . .
Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one. SURPRISE, SURPRISE! “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six. (Talk about a slow news day! Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)
I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog. *Sigh*
To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development. Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.
The HORROR!
To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING. Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.
But fear not, kiddies! Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!
Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem. “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”
“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom! That’s a marvelous idea! Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?” Dean Reuther inquires.
But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought. She CAN, however, be blackmailed. Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment” and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.
Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that. Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have! Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . . at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.
3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!
This scene renders me SPEECHLESS. Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .
Yes, boys and girls! Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR! And I for one, couldn’t be happier, well . . . except for that scene at the end . . .
When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING.
Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.” Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.” This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.
(Note: It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization — one that I am sure is lovely. Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization. No hate mail, please! :))
CHUCK: “You know, B. We should really invest in some more original plotlines. Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”
BLAIR: “I know C. But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to sort of be together. So, we really shouldn’t complain. Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again . . .”
As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball. He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event. And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.
In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc. CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad. Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad. At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.
Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.
Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.” And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”
Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why. Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.
And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.
Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .
You all know what this means, don’t you? That’s right! SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!
Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments. Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball. For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.
Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME! And this week was no exception. Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT.
But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”
My sentiments exactly, Blair.
But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .
Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)
JENNY: So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right? Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.
VANESSA: Me too. The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.
JULIET: No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today.
JENNY and VANESSA: ??????? Ummm . . . OK. It’s not like we have anything better to do.
So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena. And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.
JULIET: “Did you hear that? She actually said something nice about us.”
RACCOON ZOMBIE: “I KNOW! I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”
The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.
DAN: *sings* “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”
. . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”
Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates. And yet, because Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.
So, The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.
During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena. So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to pay her off try to straighten things out. During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school. Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia. So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.
Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?
“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”
Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?
Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.
Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet. Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man. She tells her mom, as much.
“Sleep around? Moi? NEVER!”
After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position. In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.
“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”
And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway . . .
In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .
Ummm . . . Serena? You are on a public city street entering a CAB! Is the mask really necessary?
“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.
“Not to be nitpicky or anything. But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”
Elsewhere in Town . . .
. . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu screw thank you.
EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .
Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .
A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance. So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six!
Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is. It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City. And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .
(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party. I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name. It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)
So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life. When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .
. . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!
But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit. I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .
. . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .
You’d think Nate would learn by now. Then again, he’s not that bright . . .
(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures? Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first? Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.” So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)
Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE
While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain.
“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.
“I meant it. I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.
The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away. Kudos to Chuck for manning up about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so! “Are you going to say something?” Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .
“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.
“AWWWW YEAH! She sooooooo LOVES ME!”
“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.
Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.
Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row. To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .
Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum. After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain. But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!
“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .
Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .
And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.
And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck. Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with. And I agree. Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad!
Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either. (Yeah, way to be professional Anne! Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!)
Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl. And Blair is PISSED! In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .
Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair. She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart. “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.
“I can’t,” pouts Blair.
Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her. Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart. “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.
Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing. And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple.
“I love you,” says Chuck.
“I love you too,” says Blair. “I don’t expect you to wait.”
“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.
“Do you really believe that?” Blair asks.
“I do,” answers Chuck.
“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.
You know what? I think these two are going to be OK!
But you know who might NOT be OK?
Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle
Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT. First she got reamed out by Blair. Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to have sex play video games. To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place.
Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia. Yeah . . . I said TEXTED. Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .
Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena. Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .
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