Scarred for Life – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Furor”

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STILES: “You know, Derek.  I sure am going to miss spending all these magical moments with you, when this show goes on hiatus.”

DEREK: “I think your wallet is digging into my thigh.”

STILES: “My . . . wallet?”  *whistles uncomfortably*

Greetings Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another.  (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)

“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!“

So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .

[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]

In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .

So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?

“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”

“AHHHHH!  Worst . . . sex . . .  tape . .  . EVER!”

One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why.  Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies!  In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .

“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”

This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long.  Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!

“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed.  Soooo many dust bunnies.”

The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory.  So romantic!

After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.

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Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!

*cue the theme song from Titanic*

Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .

In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .

VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.  It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”

DEREK:  “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast.  Or maybe Aladdin.  He was kind of cool.”

Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had.  First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams.  (Does that make sense?)  I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist.  Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .

Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time!  In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.

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What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale.  It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .

The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber  FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life.  Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”

Talk about a rude awakening!  Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?

Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .

The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .

But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title.  You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . .  .

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(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf.  I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder?  Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian.  So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now.  Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)

So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha.  Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”

Yeah, because that’s a great idea!

Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .

In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .

Question:  How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?

Answer: You don’t.  But it sure is fun to try!

Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.

“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”

But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof.  This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.

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(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode?  NO ONE should trust Scott.  Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team.  See analysis above)

The result?  A break in the case!  Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS.  Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE,  where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.

Dude!  That’s what welcome mats are for!

Silly Creepy Camera Guy!  Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?

Just sayin . . .

Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you  guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.

“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”

And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers .  . .

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”

Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .

In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .

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Poor Allison!  As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH  . . .

You see, that’s the thing,  Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry.  It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments .  . .

In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own.  My theory?  Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent,  wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack.  And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .

ALLISON: “That’s weird.  Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”

GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*

What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.

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Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting.  And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born .  . . for real, this time.

At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face.  He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!)  He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.

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Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .

AHHH!  It’s ALIVE . . . again!

Message sent and received.  Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list.  Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness.  He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.

But Allison is not swayed.  She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.”  In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .

*sniffle, sniffle*

Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.

“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”

It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show.  Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .

“It’s like looking in a mirror.”

Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .

Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt.    It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture.  (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.)  That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play!  Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . .  .

“See?  I’m not all bad!”

In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .

A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.

Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .

You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department.  Don’t you think?  I mean sure, he started out kind of clever,  avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an  innocent.  But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.

More on this, in just a bit . . .

What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!  Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it.  So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .

And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions .  . .

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DEREK: “I think you just bit my nipple.”

STILES: “Did you like it?”

DEREK: “A little bit . . . yeah.”

But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.

However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness.  He wants a copy of the bestiary.  You all remember the bestiary, right?

It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them.  Later, during an office pillow talk session,  Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers.  That’s pretty clever, Derek!

DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”

STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”

DEREK: “F*%k no!  He tried to cut off your head, with his foot.  He can get his own.”

You know what else is clever?  Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .

.  . . but clever . . .

In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .

It’s around this point in the episode,  when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team.  I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned.  What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers.  It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?

Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people.  There’s something kind of circular in that, right?

“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche?  WTF!”

I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable .  . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool.  Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat.  Bummer!

But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!

The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .

Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his  weak murder motives.  But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage.  His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him .  . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.

They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.”  Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people.  Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .

Pretty frightening, right?

Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .

In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .

Silly Gerard!  Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .

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Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”

Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty.  Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself.  “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”

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Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears.  (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)

Then,  Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima.  It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.

“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”

Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes.  Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.

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“WEEEEEEEEE!  I’m flyinnnggggg!“

But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year.  Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway.  Now, that’s just cold!

Hey, Matt.  Take a hint . . .

In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)

I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.

She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms.  The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .

The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout.  Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .

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“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”

It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .

In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .

Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.

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Of course, Derek is around to hear this exchange, and he is NOT amused . . .

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*single manly tear*

There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking.  Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy,  who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation.  And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit  .  . .

In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?”

“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”

The drowning scene was uncomfortably long.  And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.

Neither of these things actually happened.  What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.

Hand porn

My theory on this?  Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did.  This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .

Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high?  Because he HAS been.  And he’s been looking good doing it.  Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”

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MOMMY LIKE!

Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [ Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees]

The Killer Party – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Raving”

 

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Greetings, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive.  After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .

Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information.  We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master.  We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims .  . . what ties them together .  . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.

 

 

And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!

Color me impressed . . .

So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe,  because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here.  Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites:  teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf.  So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]

In ‘Da Club

 

Go Wolf Twins!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday.  We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .

Go shorty, it’s your birthday!  (But hopefully, not your 24th.)  Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills.  And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .

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 .  . . is going to be there.  This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!

Seriously?  Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses.  And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .

But that’s neither here nor there.  What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?).  And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened.  Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?

“Hi!  Welcome to my funeral!  Admission is $75 . . .”

The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them.  For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.

Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago,  back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad.  (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24.  But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)

“It is was a hard knock life for us.”

Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.

The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds.  However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.

Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?

“I got it!  I know who the Kanaima’s Master is!  It’s KAISER SOZE!”

We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth).  But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?

Confused yet?  There’s more!

The Puppet Master

OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations.  All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .

While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is!  Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).

The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master.  They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings.  So, what hurts one, hurts the other.  (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)

“Hey kids!  Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads!  Talk about a bargain.  (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket.  That’s for sure!)

Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .

Isaac gets a two-fist discount.  

Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf.  Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves.  They can’t fight Scott.  They can’t fight Derek.  They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison.  And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson.  (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern.  Four  =  these two are pathetic.)

But they are excellent at sleeping!

And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting.  When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too.  FREE!

Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face.  Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums.  Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?

The World may never know . . .

In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .

In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .

For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover.  “Who will she choose?”  The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.

Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.

For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family.  I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .

And Scott loves his mom .  . .

But Allison?  With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”)  Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be.  (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!)  I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves.  It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.

However, that all changed this week.  It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .

“Hey Allison!  You used to like playing with Barbie’s right?  Well, these are life size!  I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”

 . . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.

“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . .  .”

And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight.  And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”

Now, in Scott’s defense,  he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.

And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”

That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy.  For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp.  For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.

“Silly Scott!  And you’re supposed to be the smart one.  Oh wait, no your not.  Nevermind then.”

Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .

Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking  heatedly in an empty classroom.  All she was . . . well . .  “the heat.”  And so, instead, she looked like this . . .

That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch!  And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!

In much kinder and gentler news . . .

Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .

Good ole, Stiles.  Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .

 . .  . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!

And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”

If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .

Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .

But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .

Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?

Allow me to explain . . .

Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.”  So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and,  SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!

Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .

You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”

“Oh this?  This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”

However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave.  And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.

And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?

So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot.  Real nice!

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”

Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle.  But does Stiles get discouraged.  Heck no!  Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle.  And, just like that, HE DOES!  It’s magical . . .

 . . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.

I’ll let you know how that goes . . .

In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .

Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission.  “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.

You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course,  he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission!  (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy?  Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)

But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first.  Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them.  It’s time to do battle!

At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back.  You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.”  Now, I know the truth.  Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack.  On the contrary,  he’s Alpha’s Pet!  This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are.  Instead,  he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!

Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their  . . . weapons and stuff.

“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.”  Consider that a lesson learned.  Hey, you can’t win em all!

Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .

It’s Bump and Grind Time!

It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks.  Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it.  That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will,  if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .

Easier said than done . . .

I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.

And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes.  Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .

Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast.  It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle.  But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room.  But Poor Pathetic Isaac.  Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.

“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!

In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .

But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust!  The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson.  As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.

In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.

“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event.  Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.

This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die.  My theory?  Drowning!

It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .

It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .

Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.

 Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .

Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim.  Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .

“Go, BYE BYE!”

Hey, look on the bright side.  Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!

How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)

“I was going to kill the kanaima, but I got high . . . I was going to have sex with my girl, but I got high . . . now this scary lady is out to get me, and I know why . . . cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.”  This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee!  Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”

Real smooth, Matty-poo!

Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . .  “He came out of nowhere!  It was just an accident.”

Right?

WRONG!  As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .)  And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).

What happens next is a little shocking . . .

I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive.  What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .

In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing.  Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends.  I am!  All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . .  hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.

Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves.  Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season.  “One bite can change everything.”

This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant.  I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .

In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .

“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”

 . . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.”  But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway.  Is she a relative?  Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on?  Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?

Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions.  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – Now featuring Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

Beauty and the Bestiary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Abomination”

Dating Profile for Lizard Thingy, a.k.a The Kainaima

Age: Better not tell you now . . .

Sex: Sure!  If you’re still alive, by the time I’m done with you.

Likes: Long walks on the beach, cars, paralyzed prey, lacrosse

Dislikes: Abusive dads, Argents (even Hot Black ones), Douchey Grease Monkeys, and Werewolves

Fears: Water, Mirrors .  . . and Stiles?

Hey there, Werebangers!  Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf we’ve seen so far, this one was by far the most educational.

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Let’s see . . . we learned the difference between “Bestiary” and “Bestiality.”

We learned about a creature called the Kanaima, who’s SO deadly, it can instantly kill anything it touches, yet somehow has crushingly low self-esteem, and can’t even go in the Kiddie Pool without a pair of Swimmies.

We learned how to edit boring film footage of someone sleeping to make it EVEN MORE BORING.

And finally, we learned that Stiles is the most awesome dude on the planet . . .

Then again, we already knew that.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you “Abomination.”  Let the learning begin!

[As always, everything in this recap that you think is pretty, belongs to Andre, Screencapper Extraordinaire.  Without him, these recaps would be super lame.]

“Killers come in all ages . . . sizes and shapes.”

“Be afraid . . .be VERY afraid.”  That’s what The Vet tells the Argents (and Scott before them), when they enter his lair at the beginning of the episode.  And with good reason!  Because there, lounging before him on the operating table, is Hot Black Argent, who’s looking a little less “Hot Black” these days, and a bit more “Pre-Chewed / Beef Jerkified.”

“I’ve always wanted my stomach muscles to look ‘cut,’ but this is ridiculous.” 

The Vet almost gleefully describes to all of us the rather unpleasant way in which Hot Black Argent met his Maker, despite the fact that (1) we saw it happen; and (2) it’s kind of obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes.

“Oh really, is that, how he died?  I thought it was from old age.” 

By far, the creepiest aspect of this autopsy is the when The Vet shows the Argents the teeny tiny scratch on the back of Hot Black Argent’s neck.  For one thing, his neck makes a really disturbing cracking sound, when it’s turned.

Noisiest . . . neck . . . EVER!

 For another, apparently that little scratch contains something called a paralytic toxin.  This means that, rather then merely killing its prey outright, Lizard Thingy completely paralyzed Hot Black Argent first . . . and then forced him to lie on the floor, alive and immobile, so that he could WATCH himself be sliced open into ten strips of bacon.

“Tasty,” you might say.

But actually, contrary to popular belief.  24-year old Hot Black Argents simply aren’t a part of Lizard Thingy’s balanced breakfast.

“Killing may be it’s only purpose,” warns The Vet sagely.

Well . . . it sure isn’t trying to start itself a Lacrosse Team . . .

“That’s gonna cost you extra.”

Now, based on what we’ve learned so far, about our pal, Lizard Thingy, he seems to have a real penchant for killing Hot 24-year Old Blue Collar types . . . and Dawson Leery’s Dad.

We meet Victim Number 3 at an Auto Body Shop, where he’s fleecing poor Stiles out of his hard-earned cash to fix the latter’s rat trap of a car.

Like Hot Black Argent, Victim #3, a former high school lacrosse player, of course, is sexy, in a kind of Douchey Grease Monkey sort of way.  In fact, if this was a different type of show, he’d probably end up being The Lead, as opposed to The Guy Who Ends Up with a Car on His Torso.

As Stiles storms out of the shop, he makes the mistake of putting his hand on the door handle .  . . something I learned not to do in any public place, without a paper towel, when I was like five.

Seriously!  Door handles are nasty.  Have you ever watched one of those news programs, where they swab them for germs?  Put it this way, your hands would be cleaner, after fondling a toilet seat in a gas station . . .

Anywhoo . . . this door handle is particularly unsanitary, because it contains Lizard Thingy Cooties, which render Stiles’ ten little fingers completely immobile.  (Though, honestly, I only remember him touching the door with one hand.)

Though Stiles won’t be doing the Robot Dance, anytime soon.  He’s got it easy.  Douchey Grease Monkey, alas, will suffer a far worse fate.  He gets the Full Lizard Thingy Neck Massage, and can do nothing but stare up at the sky sadly, as the last piece of crap car,  he will ever work on crushes him from below.  Ouch!

“It should have been a Lexus.” 

Somehow, Stiles manages to dial 911, with uncooperative fingers, but not before he gets to have a little Meet and Greet with Lizard Thingy, who pops by to say Howdy.  He’s a really sociable dude, that Lizard Thingy . . .

Grandpa Not-John McCain wants you to trust him . . .

You ever notice how much Granpoppy Argent resembles a certain aging former U.S. presidential candidate?

In fact, were it not for the occasional Irish brogue slipping into his dialogue, I’d probably assume that the Senator was moonlighting as a werewolf hunter on MTV . . .

Allison is sneaking out of the house to meet Scott, because she got his Very Secret Message Written in Car Window Sweat.

Those crazy kids and their new fangled technology!  Personally, if I was sneaking out for a late night leg humping session with my doggie boyfriend, I’d probably opt for an old fashioned form of secret communication . .  . like a text message . . . but that’s just me.

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain catches Allison on her way to meet Scott, and impedes her progress, long enough for Scott to look all sad and emo, as he stares off into the stars . . . alone. 

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But back to Grandpoppy and Allison.  There’s just something about the way these Argent’s communicate.  One second they are all smiles, and nostalgic stories about the past .  . . the next, they are barking in your ear about things like “trust” and “conviction” with crazy pants, “I’m gonna eat you with a side salad, and a glass of milk,” looks in their eyes.  Then, just as quickly, they are smiling again.

“I never should have gotten involved with that crazy Palin women.  Oops.  Sorry, umm . . . what’s my line again?” 

In short, if I was an Argent like Allison, I’d probably wish I was adopted .  . .

“I think it knew me.”

Back at the Crime Scene, Stiles isn’t quite ready to tell his Sheriff Dad that the Lizard Thingy ate his car repair man.  But Sheriff Stilinski knows his son well enough to know he’s hiding something, and gives him one of “those looks.”  If you have a dad, you know exactly what kind of Look I’m talking about.

Nope . . . not that one . . .

That’s the one . . .

Suffice it to say, if I was Allison Argent, not only would I want to be adopted, I’d want to be adopted into Stiles’ family.  Because his dad’s just a super sweet heart, who genuinely cares for his son.  No Crazy Eyes on that one!

When Scott picks Stiles up from the scene (The latter’s car has been impounded as evidence, due to it’s having Bits of Douchey Grease Monkey slathered across it’s underbelly), Stiles describes his experience to his friend in detail, admitting that Lizard Thingy seemed to . . . know Stiles personally.

Worst Werewolves EVER!

You ever watch one of those sports movies, with the ragtag bunch of loser athletes, who can’t play for crap for the first hour and the half of the film, but suddenly pull it together just in time for the Big Game?  Well Derek’s Wolf Pack is kind of like those guys . . . only less inspiring.

We watch as Lame-o Isaac, and even Lamer-O Erica try in vain to attack Derek, only to have him boredly swat them away with his hand, like pesky flies.

Boyd, of course, doesn’t have to play.  He just gets to watch.  Teacher’s Pet!

Since Werewolf Erica’s weapons of choice seem to be her boobs and her tongue, she tries to shove the latter down Derek’s throat to distract him.

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Though I can’t say I blame the girl for trying . . .

. . . this whole one-note, “I’m suddenly hot, so now I throw myself at everything with a weiner,” thing is getting a bit old.

Derek doesn’t seem to think so though.  Though he rejects Erica’s advances (but only after making out with her for three glorious minutes) . . .

. . . he informs her that he has “someone else in mind for her.”  My initial thought is that Derek is going to have Erica seduce either Scott or Stiles, in hopes of indoctrinating them into his Lame Leather Wearing Wolf Pack.  but since both men seem 100% immune to her charms, I’m hoping his plan is a bit more clever than that . . .

After all, the new Alpha has a Lizard Thingy to defeat, and Argents to overcome.  This is really no time to play a werewolf version of The Bachelorette . . .

“What’s your brand of psychosis?”

Here’s something we learned about Lydia.  She is NOT a morning person.  Breaking mirrors with your bear hands isn’t exactly the sign of a well-adjusted teen.

“Why can’t I just blame my crazy on PMS, like everyone else?”

No wonder Lydia’s mom, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s mom, wants her to see the school shrink, a.k.a Witch Emily / Maya from Pretty Little Liars, who’s actually playing a character that’s her own age, for a change.

“Please don’t kill me off.  They always kill me off on these teen shows . . . usually around the same time they learn that I’m 40 22.” 

 While waiting to have her head shrunk, Lydia gets hit on by creepy dude, who’s sole purpose for being in this episode seems to be as Lizard Thingy Suspect Number 5.

Hey, any of you guys ever watch The O.C.?  Remember Psycho Oliver?  Yeah, Marissa met him outside a shrink’s office too  . . . 

In side shrinky-poo’s office, Lydia notes that sometimes the people closest to you can hold you back the most.

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 Shrinkypoo wants to know who told her that, but Lydia doesn’t remember.  My guess is that these Very Important Words of Wisdom come from her good pal, Uncle Alpha . . . a.k.a the guy who’s been traipsing around her mind with his gross gnarly feet for the past three or so episodes . . .

Elsewhere, Stiles is telling Scott how much he loves him, and how sorry he is about missing their date last night.

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 It’s about time those two admitted their unspoken passion for one another.

But wait . . . just kidding.  He’s delivering a message for Allison . . . the Juliet to Scott’s Puppy Romeo.

There’s a running joke in the episode where Stiles has to keep dashing back and forth delivering messages between Scott and Allison, because apparently, they can’t trust those pesky Argents not to go through their cell phones.

In addition to delivering messages of love, Stiles also needs to pass along messages about the Elusive “Bestiary,” (not to be confused with Bestiality, though I wouldn’t put that past the Argents’ either), i.e. a Werewolf Hunter Diary that describes all sorts of mythical creatures . . . like say . . . Lizard Thingys with Hard Ons for teenage boys, like Stiles.

Ultimately, the threesome decide that in order to obtain said book, Allison must obtain Granpoppy Not McCain’s office keys during the Big Lacrosse Game, and pass them off to Stiles, so that he can search the premises, while Grandpoppy is “otherwise occupied.”  Hmmm . . . this storyline sounds mighty familiar.  Remember last seasons’ Big Bad Werewolf book?  Who knew those Argents were so gosh darn literary?

Because Jackson is EVERYONE’S TYPE . . .

After his Adventures in Car Lifting, Jackson has grown suspicious of that boring ass sex tape he made of himself . . . you know . . . the one ended up showing him doing nothing more than having a few wet dreams over the course of his allotted 7.5 hours of “beauty rest.”

Danny is confused by his supposedly heterosexual pals repeated entreaties that Danny watch the video.   “I’ve told you, you’re not my type,” explains Danny, who, as we know, tends to prefer his men swarthier and more . . . Derek-esque.

But Jackson thinks he’s everyone’s type.

So, Danny commandeers Creepy Photographer Guy to watch the video with him.  What they find is what many of us suspected in the first place.  As it turns out, Jackson’s tape has been manipulated to loop in on itself over and over again.  In other words, two hours of live footage are missing from the tape.

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This pretty much scraps Jackson’s Lizard Thingy Alibi . . . except, I don’t think he did it.  For one thing, he’s way too stupid .  . .

My money’s still on Photographer Guy as the footage-doctoring culprit (though, I guess “computer whiz” Danny could have done it too).  But why?  The most obvious reason would be to make Jackson eventually come to THINK he’s Lizard Thingy . . . but who would want to do that, aside from Lizard Thingy himself?  Ah, the plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

“The bigger they are, the BIGGER THEY ARE!”

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It’s time for Teen Wolf’s obligatory Lacrosse Match.  The whole cast is there . . . Creepy Photographer Guy, Jackson, Danny, Stiles, Scott, Allison, Grandpoppy Not-McCain.  Even the wolf pack has come to watch (minus Fugitive Isaac, of course).  For her part, Allison manages to wrangle her Grandpa’s keys, by using the old “I’m a girl, and I’m cold.  Be a gentleman and lend me your jacket.” trick.

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What girl hasn’t used that one before, huh?

Interestingly enough, despite the fact that Beacon Hills’ Lacrosse Team is getting to the point where it has more Werewolves on it than Humans, they are LOSING . . . BADLY .  . . and all because of some big Hulk of a guy, called the “Abomination.”  (Golly gee!  That’s the name of this episode!)

“I’m just pissed off, because I’m on a team called The Beavers.”

Abomination keeps knocking all members of the opposing team unconscious, leaving Coach Crackhead a player short.  His solution: get someone from the stands to play.  And I bet you will never guess who?

“Because Heaven forbid a male character on this show NOT play lacrosse.” 

It’s Boyd!  The Wolf Man With the Plan.  And wouldn’t you know it?  He gets to be just like Scott, after all, pummeling the entire lacrosse field like a champ, despite having never played the sport . . . ever.  And, of course, no one on the field seems to notice his Big Yellow Glowing Eyes . . . probably because half the team has them . . .

“Like jock straps, demon eyes are an essential part of the team uniform.” 

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain thinks this game is a bit violent for his tastes.  He much prefers nice calm games, like Chess, Checkers, and Cut the Werewolf in Half with a Carving Knife . . .

Lydia is Pretty Crier.  How nice for her . . . (especially considering she does it in every episode).

On his way to Not-John McCain’s office, Stiles runs into a tearful Lydia in the parking lot.  Ever the charmer, Stiles tells Lydia she looks beautiful when she cries . . .

. . . and offers her a petite, but surprisingly well-toned shoulder to cry on.  Lydia seems about ready to take Stiles up on his offer.

Unfortunately, Stiles has some bestiality to take care of, first . . . (Wait . . . I got that wrong again, didn’t I?)

Just like the Gremlins . . . Lizard Thingy doesn’t want to get wet . . .

Stiles is looking for Bestiality .  . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary.  Erica catches him, and brings him to the pool for a nice little swim / chat with Master Derek.  They discuss Stiles’ experience at the Auto Body shop, where Stiles noticed several EPA violations, and one Big Green Scaley Dude straight out of an old Japanese Horror Flick.

Speaking of Big Green Scaley Dude, his ears must have been burning, because he shows up for the party too!  And as we all know, their ain’t no party, like a Lizard Thingy party!

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Like I said, Lizard Thingy clearly has a thing for hot 24-year olds.  So, while it growls at Stiles, and harmlessly bats at Lydia, it’s Derek, who gets the paralytic neck massage, and ends up taking a flying leap into the pool.

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 A now immobilized Derek pleads for Stiles to call Scott.  But ever the unlikely hero, Stiles opts instead to dive into the water and rescue Derek.

The two swim arm-and arm-for hours (well . . .one swims, the other just sort of “hangs out”), as the conveniently water leery Lizard Thingy circles the pool, clearly anxious.  (Now, we know it’s not Jackson!  That guy LOOOOOVES the water . . . Unless, of course, he knows from experience that water will revert him back to his human form . . . hmmmm.)

Yes, Team Sterek . . . this entire scene was written JUST FOR YOU GUYS!  Forget, Lydia and her gorgeous crying, bring on the thinly-veiled homoeroticism!

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(Speaking of lovely ladies, what the heck was Queen Erica doing during all this time? Painting her toenails?)

“I was hungry.” 

Eventually, after a few hours of sexually tense water treading, Stiles and Derek get into a bit of a pissing contest, to determine who’d be better at saving the other one’s life.  Stiles eventually wins, by letting Derek drop into the pool like a rag doll, while he makes a mad dash for the phone to call Hero Scott.  Don’t worry!  He picks him up again.

Turns out, in addition to his solid rock climbing skills, Stiles is also a pretty kick ass swimmer.  I’m telling you.  He’s SPIDERMAN!

Meanwhile, back at the Lacrosse Game . . .

“Sorry about your  almost-broken bones!  Maybe a nice awkward family dinner with the people who want you dead, will make you feel better.”

Just when it seems like Bad Boyd might blow the wolfy lid off his Secret Identity, Scott distracts the crowd, by scoring a relatively human-looking point for the team.  So, of course, the Abomination tackles him.  And of course, right under the watchful eyes of Grandpoppy Not-McCain, Scott heals a very obviously broken leg bone, just by standing on it.

Grandpoppy is clearly impressed . . . so impressed that he invites Scott to his supposedly ex-girlfriend’s house for dinner, despite the fact that the lacrosse game is still going on.  (No worries!  Coach Crackhead can just get another werewolf from the crowd to play in Scott’s place.  The town is literally crawling with them.)

Ah . . . Dinner with Argents . . . it brings back such memories . . . like that time Scott got caught searching for bullets in Kate’s room, and ended up having to tell Allison’s parents he was stealing condoms, instead.  Awesome!

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I have to say, I sided with Grandpoppy Not- McCain on this one, watching the Argents squirm awkwardly, while Grandpoppy openly inquired why Scott and Allison weren’t still boning on a regular basis was kind of awesome.

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“I pretend to hate you, but really, I just want to lick you like a lollipop.” 

And the old guy just seemed to be having such a great time too!

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Eventually, Scott and Allison excuse themselves to go search Grandpoppy’s room for the Bestiality . . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary, and wind up finding a cook book instead.  (I don’t know, maybe their one in the same.  I wouldn’t put it past Not-McCain to pan fry a few werewolves and vampires, and slather them with barbeque sauce.)

But then Scott gets his S.O.S. message from Stiles, annnnd . . . leaves him to die, so he can hang out with Allison some more.  Now, that’s a good friend.

Fortunately, for Stiles, Scott has other business to attend to at the school, business that involves a USB drive on Grandpoppy’s key chain that may contain the Bestiary.  (Pretty tech savvy for an old guy, right?)  So, it looks like our favorite Wolf/Human duo will get rescued after all . . .

Wolfy Scott pulls Team Sterek out of the water just in time to face off against Lizard Thingy, who prompty tosses our hero into some glass.  Thinking fast, Scott holds up one of the shards as a weapon.

“Prepare to get shanked, Gecko from Geico!”

So, you can imagine the Wolf Pup’s shock when Lizard Thingy gets one look at his ugly mug, and runs away crying.  (But was it “a beautiful cry,” Stiles?)

“Don’t look at me.  I’m hideous!” 

I can’t say I blame it.  Lizard Thingy needs to moisturize . . .

Safe and sound, outside the school, Derek tells Scott Lizard Thingy’s name, it’s Kainaima.  Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?  Scott things the whole Scooby Gang (Argents included) should band together to bring it down.  But Derek’s not down with that.  He wants to kill it himself.

Say what?  What happened to your whole “join or die / we can’t do it alone” mentality, Hot Stuff?  Did the paralytic toxin freeze part of your brain too?

Tsk, tsk Derek.  It’s a good thing, you’re so darn pretty . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Grandpoppy corners Scott, and knives him in the gut.  Now Pappy!  Is that any way to treat your future Grandwolf-in-Law?

“Wait . . . before you leave me here to bleed all over the floor, check out my impersonation of an old man.  Pretty good, right?” 

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

BITE ME, UNCLE ALPHA! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale Part II “Code Breaker”

Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha.  What are you going to do now?

DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!” 

Greetings Werebangers!  Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone.  And the world, as we know it, will never be the same.  We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .

 . . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!

So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .

Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!

(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here.  Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off  MTV.com. 🙂 )

“So . . . ummmmm, Allison.  About my New Face . . .”

“You like?”

When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus .  . .

 . . . until, of course,  that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .

 Damn you, Papa Argent!  It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!

Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods .  . .

OK, Scott.  I know your “devastated,” and all.  But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT?  What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?

Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s .  . .

*sniffle, sniffle*  “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.” 

As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else.  Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?

AWKWARD!

 Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home.  Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.

Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .

Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha

Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.

“Uhh . . . Lydia?  I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”

But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned.  He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads.  He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it.  “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.

Oh, come on, Stiles!  Let’s not be so overdramatic!  I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really).  But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she?  So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now.  Is there?

After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek.  However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field.  (What a guy!)  So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.

“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” 

Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to Uncle Alpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf.  What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha!  Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.

Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant. 

Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .

“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine.  And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.” 

Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car.  “But  . .  . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.

Check out the hand.  It looks kind of wolfy to me.  I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it? 

“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly.  (Haha!  I like THIS GUY!  He’s funny!)

From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people.   (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)

Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs. 

Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive.  After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.

Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes.  “His username is ‘Allison.’  And his password is also ‘Allison‘?”  He snorts derisively.

“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”

(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password.  He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all.  But that username threw me.  I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username?  The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)

“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?”  Stiles quips.

Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all.  In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .

 . . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!

Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed.  Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.

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I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon.  (How thoughtful!)

Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.

Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions?  That’s pretty impressive! 

“Oh, so your not going to kill me?”  Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.

Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”

“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?”  Stiles quips.  (LOVE HIM!)

“I’m just misunderstood.” 

Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha.  I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy!  How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.

Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance.  All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal.  And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.

So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .

 You just don’t come back from something like this . . .

. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.

In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for  all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!

 “Does anybody have any butter?”

That’s right, boys and girls!  Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting.  And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.

Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf.  Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins.  (Well, that’s a new piece of information!)  “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . .  no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . .  . watching him get the girl.  You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”

This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking. 

One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain.  (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.)  The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.

He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family.  He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison.  And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.

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You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think?  (Just ask Jackson.)

“Please bite me in the ass.  I’ll be your best friend!” 

Stiles doesn’t say anything at first.  He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something.  Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth.  But Stiles snatches it back at the last second.  “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.

(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.

I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do!  I don’t know, Stiles.  It sounds like you are missing out.

Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .

Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!

Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing.  (So,  I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)

He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form.  (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)

How soon we forget! 

You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire.  “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues.  (UHH HUH!  With good reason!  Because YOU did it, B*tch!)

Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?

Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days.  Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .

I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you.  In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.

Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.

We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season.  But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison.  (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)

“Who you callin’ DOCILE?” 

In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull.  During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned.  Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .

Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)

Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help.  She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.

“Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”

Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.

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I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia.  But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.

Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears.  “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.

Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.

 I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .

She immediately finds Lydia’s bed.  And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.

That was neat, Allison!  I want to learn to do that!

Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed.  But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.

When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”

Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?

According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do.  “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”

Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!

“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!” 

When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive.  But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by  . . . SOMETHING” thing.  Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles.  Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.

And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate .  . .

. . .  wait . . . that didn’t come out right.

Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott.  Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum.  However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure.  (SURPRISE!)

It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams!  Yay!

“Pucker up, cutie pie!”

Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head.  Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends.  Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.” 

In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.

Annnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.

Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)

We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .

*sigh*

 . . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean .  . . this time, with a bat.

I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life .  . . 

Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.

(Because that’s not cheesy at all.) 

By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer.  Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.

“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .” 

But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill.  You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first.  Having had his own  . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .

 . . .  Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf.  “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love.  You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.

But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha.  And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.”  He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .

Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know .  . .)

Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked.  Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.

“NOW, you tell me!” 

Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal.  Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.

“WOAH!  How did THAT get there?” 

She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.

Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey.  A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time.  Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas.  Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion.  “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.

Really Allison?  Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER?  Have you been watching the same show we have?  Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .

Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.

It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue?  He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable.  She has gone against the code for the last time.  “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.

(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for  YOUR sister’s birthday?)

This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit.  Scott’s eyes begin to glow.  “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.

Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one.  It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison.  (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.)  Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon.   He then throws her into the Hale House.

Oh, it’s ON!

Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.

Cutest Couple EVER! 

For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable.  She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her.  Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged.  (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!)  Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family.  Kate rasps out a sorry.  But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.

Sayonara SUCKA! 

“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls.  (You have to admit, he has a point.)

Then the Alpha lunges for Allison.  But ta-da!  It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue.  Scott growls for Allison to run.  It’s GO TIME!

Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)

As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .

 This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .

However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode.  All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even.  Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside

UH OH!

Rock on, Scooby Gang!

Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.

Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail.  Stiles throws his first.  And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .

Chug a Lug, Alpha! 

 . . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong.  This time, it was made CORRECTLY.  Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.

“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!” 

Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)

“I’m MEEEEEELLLLTIIIING!” 

The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead.  But shockingly he’s not.  Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit.  He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.

Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot.  But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason.  He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes.  “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha.  “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.

And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.

His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it.  “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face.  The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?”  He inquires.

“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.

Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU! 

Cue the schmoopy music.  OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .

Lydia’s a WHAT??!

After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia.  After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .

 “I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha.  WOW!”

. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did.  This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”

“Seriously!  Her hair is perfect!  How did she do that?  She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.” 

The Aftermath . . .

The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.

Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town.  WHO KNEW?

Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott.  PUSH THEM OFF!  SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF!  Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.

QUICK!  STRANGLE HER!  NO ONE WILL KNOW!

Wait, what?  How is Scott human, during a full moon?  Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE  (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death.  Only time will tell . . .

In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf .  . .

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And based on the Big Ole Once in a Lifetime Grin, Derek gets on his face, as he comes down the steps, he may just decide to oblige . . .

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Bon Appetite, Derek!  Now you may EAT!

And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season.  So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers!  What did you think of the finale?  Was it all you hoped it would be?

Did you correctly guess:  Which two characters would die?  Who would turn into a wolf?  Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?

Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!

“CALL ME!” 

(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season!  So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me.  I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

High Voltage, Higher Octane – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale, Part I “Formality”

AUNTIE KATE:  “Come on, Werewolf!  Show me your teeth . .  . like in the Lady Gaga song!”

ALLISON:  “Really Kate?   You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open?  Are you sure we’re really related?”

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?  This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it?  After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.

And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance?  (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)

So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .

(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)

Rattling the Cages  . . .

“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek.  These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.” 

“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks).  As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .

“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”

. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .

“How dry I am.  How wet, I’ll be.  If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .” 

We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror.  Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting.  For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion.  Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .

Bestiality?

Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it.  Because I believe in you,” card.

These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next.  “So, what do I do now?” She inquires.  “Go to the dance, and act like a  normal teenage girl.  Because after that .  . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”

Wait . . . the Second Beta?  But that’s Scott!

UH OH!  I smell trouble . . . 

If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .

“I swear, Officer.  I haven’t been drinking.  It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak.  Surely, you understand.” 

Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN.  The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.

“I also think she’s kind of sexy.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell Stiles.” 

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion.  After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow?  And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.

Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience. 

Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.”  By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s).  In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket.  Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Way to go, Allison!

“I know . . . I’m awesome.”

With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye.  “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.

“She shoots . . .” 

“. . .  she SCORES!” 

(That’s NOT cool, Allison.  I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)

Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .

Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .

VET:  “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss.  You should lie back down, and take off your pants.   You will feel better.”

SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”

VET:  “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .” 

Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.

Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding.  However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits.  Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.

*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!” 

Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw.  However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him.  Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form.  Nice move, Vet Dude!

Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!

He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot.  He’s . . . VET MAN!

“Rats!  Foiled Again!”

In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0.   Three strikes, and your OUT!  Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . .  Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good.  Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?” 

Later, back at Scott’s house . . .

Well, Well, Well . . .  Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .

“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”

Oh, Scottiepoo!  For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.

Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .

“Hi, my name is Scott.  What’s yours?” 

In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone.  (Dude!  The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began.  It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone.  Or better yet, just HOWL.  Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!

SCOTT:  “Allison?  Are you down here?”

STILES:  “I thought you were looking for your phone?”

SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’  I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”

Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek.  In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house).  Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott.  However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs.  (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that.  But, whatever . . .)

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(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.

Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody.  Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha.  Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.

“Hi Uncle Alpha.  This is Desperation calling.  Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.” 

Geez!  Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her!  And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.

(What .  . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)

Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.

“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”

Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late?  Only time will tell . . .

Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .

“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”

OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .

The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate.  More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . .  Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more.   (I don’t know, Auntie Kate.  I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)

By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license?  I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . . 

When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.

All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together.  “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?”  Derek asks angrily.

“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!”  Kate responds.

That’s right, Werebangers!  As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day.  What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her :  information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family.  So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha.  He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart.  I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!

(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)

“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon.  Which will it be?” 

(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel.  Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)

Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .

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Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison.  Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock!  He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!

Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate.  And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.

Uh Oh . . .

Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while.  I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.

In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.

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Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂

Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked.  His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might.   The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek.  And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .

Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .

Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep.  Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.”  But really, he’s just being icky.  Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.

Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.

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I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window.  It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .

Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT?  Hunters FAIL!

“DO IT, for Allison!”

We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .

Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .

During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones.  Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career.  However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise:  Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance.  Really?  THAT’S A COMPROMISE?  Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.

“I concur!” 

Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH!  Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Got a bad case of deja vu?”

My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it?  After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!

 

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Well . . . we’ll see why he didn’t, later. 😉

I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible.  Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request.  I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin.  But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch.  Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.

And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉

In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance.  Weird . . .

The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead.  All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!

Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .

After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST.  Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.

Sounds like a pretty good apology, right?  But Allison wants MORE.  She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)

It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over.  I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything.  On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change.  Not that I’m complaining, of course.  As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).

Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles.  So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance.   (Honestly, this part was kind of lame.  I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place.  Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point.  More on that later . . .)

By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR? 

Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.

“Make it work, Allison!” 

Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers).  And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen.  Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.

Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way.  Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.”  However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.”  As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.

“Go out and get yourself laid, Son!  (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)

“Well, at least it’s easy access.” 

Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance.  Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him.  While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass.  (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)

In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late.  Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.”  Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED!  That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass.  Truer words were never spoken.

Good Ole, Danny!  (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . 

Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison.  (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag?  What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .)  Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school.  And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them.  After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.

Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it.  When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed.  Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .

At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much!  It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.

Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME.  (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance?  Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)

Guess he didn’t like that, huh? 

I  usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance  (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.

“May I cut in?” 

And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device.  Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool.  (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )

Dance Until You Die?

Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor.  My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”

As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get  a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation.  And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel.  The two slow dance together, for a while.  And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.

Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off.  Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson.  However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings.  Once again, Team Liles for Season 2!  (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)

While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together.  He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .

Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .

Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down).  In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.

 “I SEE YOU!”

In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].”  (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene?  Because I sure was!)

“BITE ME!” 

Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson.  “But maybe you can help me.”

“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there.  That was HILARIOUS!” 

Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta.  (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago.  However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)

Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead.  Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.

She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.

“What are you talking about Stiles?  There’s nobody behind me!” 

“Oops.”

Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is.  Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding.  However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone.  Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.

If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing.  And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back.  School buses are ROMANTIC!  What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch?  Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?

Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow.  But, just when he is about to do so,  Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.

“Go Speed Argent, GO!” 

Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.

SQUISH

Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would.  Allison looks horrified.

Wolf Scott looks sad.

“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .

Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!

Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation.  Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf.  Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies? 

“Wahhh!  Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”

Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉

As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate.  Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste.  And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’

(Plus, then we would never be able to answer the burning question of whether he finds Stiles attractive!)

So, now I turn the proverbial microphone over to you, Werebangers!  What did you think of “Formality?”  Was it everything you wanted it to be?  What’s on your wish list for Part II?  And who are  your choices to win the awards for Newest Werewolf and Deadest Cast Member, respectively.  Sound off in the comment section, if you DARE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!

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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .

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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .

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Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .

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At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!

 

Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.

“WOOHOO!  YIPPEE!”

One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .

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Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

“Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”

 

Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!

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It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 

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Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!

RUN, DEREK, RUN!

(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .

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It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

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“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.

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Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .

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Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .

“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?

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And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .

 . . . or THIS ONE . .

 . . . or THIS ONE (if you cropped your MOM out of it) . . .

Just trying to help . . .

Anyway, we are treated to some DRAMATICALLY HEARTBREAKING MUSIC as a tearful Allison RUSHES FROM THE CLASSROOM, in anguish, over the traumatizing sexts her werewolf ex-boyfriend sent her . . .

“I thought you’d at least have the decency to send me a picture of your weiner!  Don’t you care about me AT ALL?”

She wonders whether Scott was trying to “hurt her” by sending her those “painful memories.”  She’s going to need “some time,” before she can “work back to being Scott’s friend.”  (Uh, Sweetie Pie, I hate to break this to you.  But you were NEVER Scott’s friend.  You came . .  .  you saw . . . you screwed.  So, don’t be expecting that you two will be painting one another’s toenails at a slumber party, any time soon.  Mmmm ‘kay?)

“I Bet She’s a Screamer”

She sure looks like a screamer, in THIS picture! 

So, here are Scott and Stiles just minding their business a lunch . . . (Stiles is gorging on the fried finger food, as per usual . . .)

Now, clearly, this is a guy who never met something he didn’t want to shove in his mouth.  I can work with that . . .

All of the sudden, Jackson is eye-f*&king the pair hardcore, from across the lunchroom.  He’s also seductively eating his apple, and describing, in VERY graphic detail, all the sexual things he’s going to do to Allison, if Scott doesn’t help him become a wolf.  Though he’s halfway across the room, Scott can hear him speaking, as if he is whispering sweet nothings in his ear.  Jackson’s clearly done his research, and knows this.  And yet, since Scott’s supersonic hearing ability seems to be a tad on the selective side, I can’t help but wonder whether Jackson’s “wolfy connection” to Scott is what actually enables him to accomplish this feat.

But more on THAT later . . .

I have to admit, that as much as Jackson SUCKS SERIOUS ASS, I thought this scene was pretty hot.  The camera man focused on Jackson’s Angelina Jolie lips the entire time he was describing the way his hands were going to fondle Allison.  It was as erotic, as it was disturbing, and, I suspect, intentionally so  . . .

Scott tried to get his mind off things, by having the usually verbose Stiles distract him.  But alas, Stiles was a tad too distracted by his tater tots and the massive size of Jackson’s lips to be much help . . .

“Seriously?  Do you think he injects collagen in those things?”

Jackson’s goading of Scott affects the Teen Wolf so intensely, that he very nearly wolfs out right there in the cafeteria.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he manages to break his lunch tray, with his bare hands . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot Scott and Stiles decide that Scott should STEAL Allison’s necklace, since there is no chance in hell that she will give it to him, now . . .

Sink or Swim . . .

“So, all that stuff they say about shrinkage . . . is that true?” 

Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of wacked out school these guys go to, that they can randomly take a dip in the pool by themselves in the middle of the day, while a bunch of other students look on, boredly.  Nevertheless, here are Jackson and Allison swimming slower than my grandma “racing” eachother across the Olympic-size swimming pool, while Scott looks on enviously, and digs through Allison’s bag for the ever-elusive Ugly Ass Necklace.

I mean, seriously Jackson, I genuinely thought you had game, with all that great 1-900 Sex Talk you were giving Scott earlier.  But, here you are racing a woman in the pool, and — of all strokes — you choose the BREASTSTROKE, a.k.a. the least manly looking swim stroke of ALL TIME?  What gives, Dude?

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Yeah . . . go ahead . . . eat your apple.  It’s not going to change how I feel . . . that much.

That being said, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Jackson doesn’t really give two craps about Allison.  This whole goopy lovesick puppy act is all for Scott’s benefit, which is . . . interesting.

Speaking of girls Jackson isn’t really interested in, he dumps Lydia . . . by TEXT MESSAGE.

The Poor Girl is so far inside Scott’s jockstrap clueless about the nature of attraction that she hasn’t noticed that the writing has been on the wall for the end of this relationship, since the Pilot episode.  In fact, when she receives Jackson’s “Please drop off my housekey at your earliest convenience, as we are no longer dating.”  (Beautifully written . . . Jackson’s English teacher would be so proud.) text message, she automatically assumes its a joke, despite the fact that Jackson failed to include a “HaHa” at the end.  (Personally, I’ve always been more of an “LOL” girl myself.  I also use “JK”  under special circumstances).

Jackson callously tells a stunned Lydia that he is making some “changes” in his life.  Apparently, this includes dropping some “dead weight.”  And Jackson feels she is “the deadest.”

Now, whatever your feelings are about Lydia, you have to admit, that was pretty darn harsh.  (And you have to wonder whether the reference to Lydia as “dead” was meant to function as foreshadowing of some sort.)

ALSO . . . umm Jackson . . . how exactly is being a werewolf going to improve your dating life?  Are you expecting to start dating only poodles, now?

Don’t you worry, Red . . . you’ll get back on that horse again . . .

AHEM!

And now for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE part of this episode . . .

Derek Hale – Fashionplate Extraordinaire

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We all know how much Derek Hale likes to sneak up on people.  However, so far in the series “people” has been relegated to just “Scott.”  So,  you could imagine my pleasant surprise when Derek pays a surprise visit to my OTHER favorite character on this show . . .

“Uh oh!  Derek’s here.  I guess I should minimize my porn now . . .” 

Stiles screams out Derek’s name, rather loudly from the bedroom.  And Derek, who’s supersonic wolf hearing has informed him that Papa Stiles is outside the door, figures that Papa might have some question about THAT . . . So, Derek puts his foot down, and forces Stiles to confront his Proud Papa . . .

Awkwardness ensues in the hallway, as the manly Papa Stiles attempts to express how proud he is of his son for making the First Line in the school lacrosse game, based on a schoolwide outbreak of monkeypox, or something.   Between these two non-emotional men, I think the word “proud” is thrown out about 10 times, before the seemingly interminable conversation ends with a SURPRISINGLY INTENSE HUG . . .

I’m kind of loving Stiles’ dad, right now.  If anything happens to him on this show, HEADS WILL ROLL!

Then Stiles returns to where he belongs . . . up against Derek Hale’s manly chest.  I think I smell a TVD-inspired Wall Slam, coming on . . .

Is it just me, or is Derek’s hair looking particularly POOFY, today?

Though Derek clearly tries to manhandle and intimidate Stiles, our scrappy little hero is clearly able to hold his own.  After all, HE’S holding all the cards.  “Hey Dad, Derek Hale is in my room.  Bring guns!”  Stiles threatens.  “As long as I am harboring your fugitive ass, it’s my house, my rules.”

YOU GO, BOY!

At least, we have no solved the mystery of where Derek has been hiding out all this time . . .

As it turns out, while Scott is stealing the Ugly Ass Necklace, Stiles has a little project of his own to solve.  He wants to trace the faux-Scott text message to Allison from “The School Night” episode to its source.  And he knows just the guy to do it.  Apparently, our good pal, Danny, was quite the little hacker at age 13, and has a criminal record for overriding cell phone security.  (I’m liking him, already!)

Unfortunately, Danny still believes that he only came to Stiles’ house for sex to study, and he is not interested in Stiles’ illegal hacking assignment.  And so, Stiles must resort to more creative methods of persuasion to get Danny to comply with his wishes.  Fortunately, “cousin Miguel” is around to help . . .

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So, apparently, Derek Hale’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit is lacking in the fundamentals, like say, indoor plumbing and running water.  This would explain why Derek is forced to wear a bloody shirt around Stiles’ house.  Danny, of course, notices right away, which gives Stiles an idea . . .

He starts insisting that Derek put on one of HIS (Stiles’ shirts) knowing full well, that none of them will fit.  The result is an AMAZINGLY HOT, and hilarious fashion show, during which an adorably grouchy Derek (or should I say “Miguel”), alternates between blessed shirtlessness, and uber tight-shirted bliss .  . .  And YES I have “visual aids for you to enjoy . . .

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(Honestly, I can’t imagine Stiles actually wearing this shirt.  Can you?)

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You’re welcome, DANNY (and Stiles)!

Then Stiles makes a comment like, “I know you play for a different team, but you still play ball, don’t you, Danny Boy?”

WOAH!  Did Stiles just offer up Derek for SEX?  I could have sworn that’s what that line intimated.  Because, suddenly, Danny is (approvingly) telling Stiles what a horrible person he is.  (Hey, it could have been worse, Danny.  He could have asked you, if you thought he was attractive for the 85,000th time.)  Horrible person or not, Danny is suddenly VERRRRY EAGER to help Derek find a pair of too tight underwear to match that too tight shirt Stiles with his little phone project.  Seemingly, within seconds the call is traced . . . to Scott’s Mom’s computer at the hospital?

Apparently, Jackson’s not the only guy who’s been able to pull Mommy McCall away from her “work.”  SLUT! 

Seriously, this kid NEVER EVER CLOSES HIS MOUTH.  I LOVE IT! 

The Argents are CRAAAAZY . . . Nuff Said . . .

We are then treated to a rather nauseating (in my opinion, anyway) scene in which Scott once again sneaks into Allison’s room (Girlfriend, shouldn’t really consider investing in a lock for that window.  Don’t you think?) to steal the Ugly Ass Necklace.  Before he can find it, however, he finds an old receipt Allison kept from the pair’s first bowling date.  Cue the Slit-Your-Wrist Emo Music!

Almost TWENTY BUCKS?  Kind of a ripoff, don’t you think?

“Wahhh!  Allison has such neat handwriting.  Why can’t I have handwriting like that?”

Fortunately, we aren’t subjected to this goopy maudlin “young love is hard” crap for long, because, eventually Scott finds the Ugly Ass Necklace, right next to an old book on werewolves Allison has apparently been researching.  Or, perhaps, should I say, “Loup Garous?”

So, of course, the minute Scott sneaks out of Allison’s bedroom, he HAS to run into Papa Argent, right on her lawn, right?

“We REALLY have to stop meeting like this, PSYCHO STALKER!” 

Why does it seem like nobody EVER wants to hang out with the adult Argents unless they are cornering them, and practically dragging them kicking and screaming into their “Friendship Circle.”  Once in the house, Papa A once again starts plying Scott with alcohol (which would actually be cool, since wolf Scott is incapable of getting drunk, and could, therefore drink Papa A under the table).  He apologizes to Scott for being aggressive with him, and expresses sympathy over the Salison breakup.

Papa’s candor with the teen he BARELY knows is a cross between genuine concern, and disturbing creepiness.  Throughout the entire uncomfortable conversation, I just keep waiting for the guy to tie Scott up, rip off his clothing and lock him in the basement, next to all the guns . . .

Papa interrogates Scott about how well he knows supposed Big Bad Serial Killer Derek and blah, blah, blah.  We’ll back to them later.  For now, let’s go visit MORON Allison.  Our favorite A+ student has, apparently decided that, even though there are wild animals and serial killers on the loose, it’s a perfectly fabulous idea to go out running alone in the “picturesque” woods where the Blair Witch Project was probably filmed.

“Hi, my name is Allison Argent.  Do you like the sign on my back?  It says :”Please murder me, and bury my body under a nice tall tree.”

 As if that wasn’t bad enough, Little Miss Death wish then decides to go wandering around the suspected murderers burnt up house, so that she can explore all the suspicious -looking claw marks on the floor. (Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY how The Blair Witch Project ended.)  Auntie Kate the crazy cougar sex pot / obvious arsonist /  Hale fale murderer follows her niece there, supposedly to “keep her safe” or whatever.

 When Allison wonders out loud what would make a hot dude like Derek become a psychotic killer, Katiepoo gets quite a bit defensive, arguing that “You don’t have to be psychotic to be a murderer . . . you just have to have  a ‘reason’, but even then, sometimes, you can surprise yourself.”  (In other words, “Yes, I burned down this house, and killed all the Hales in it, because I was raised to hate werewolves, but also because I secretly get turned on by watching things DIE!”)

“My precious!” 

As Auntie Kate tells her tale of how some serial killers are really just nice people, who are misunderstood, she fondles the wall of Derek’s house, like she wants to hump it.   (Sidenote / Speculation: The writers seem to have made it SO obvious that Kate was the one responsible for the Hale fire, that I can’t help but wonder whether this is a MAJOR red herring, and that someone else, like Allison’s MOM for example, is actually the one who lit the final match.  Just wondering. . .  )

Then Allison gets all weepy for the 225,000th time this episode, and whines to Kate about how weak she feels because she doesn’t know how to battle a serial killer.  Katiepoo promises that if Allison is patient she will make her drink the Kool Aid and become a bat-sh*t crazy Werewolf Hunter, just like everyone else in her family give her everything she is seeking . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s “nice” that Allison has decided that she wants to learn how to defend herself.  However, there was something about the sneakly little smirk Auntie Kate gave the camera at the end of this scene that just didn’t sit well with me. It seems pretty obvious that Katiepoo has some very SELFISH reasons for wanting Allison to be trained in the art of werewolf hunting . . .

Speaking of whiny, whiners, who like to whine . . .

Scott is conveniently boo hooing to Papa Argent about how EVERYTHING he has done, since he met Allison, has been to keep her safe except for, you know, those times he tried to kill her . . .  and the time he made out with Lydia . . . and the time he left her for dead, while he did the horizontal  mambo with the Alpha, when Allison appears in the doorway, and (SURPRISE!) hears exactly the right part of the conversation.  Well, played, Scotty Boy!

Revelations of ALPHA importance!

I’m not exactly sure how he figured it out, but somehow Stiles’ Super Cool Daddio connected Professor Emo to the Hale fire.  When Papa confronts him with this information, Professor Emo explains how some Hot Chick (Kate) found him in the bar, and plied him with liquor and promises of sex, until he told her how to make the scientific concoctions necessary to burn down a home, and hide dead bodies.  Apparently, this conversation occurred just a few weeks before the Hale house burned down.  (The important question, of course, is: Did Kate and Professor Emo bump uglies?)

“Come on, Officer!  Cut me some slack.   Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get laid, when you look like the serial killer from a Lifetime movie?”

In hindsight, it’s kind of unfortunate that our main characters weren’t made privy to this conversation, as it actually fills in a lot of previously mined plot holes.  And because this recap is getting longer than I wanted it to be, I will just go ahead and list them here:

(1) We now know why, at the beginning of the episode, the Alpha blamed Professor Emo for what happened to him in the Hale family fire.

(2) We now know that Laura Hale came to Emo MAN prior to her death, because she somehow figured out that someone with Professor Emo’s last name (“Harris” not “Emo”) was the one who gave the arsonist the “tools” to set the fire.  And she figured that HE would be able to lead her to her family’s murderer.

(3) We know that the Arsonist (probably Kate, but maybe Allison’s mom) was an Argent, since she was wearing the infamous Ugly Ass Necklace that Allison now owns . . .

And now for the REAL juicy stuff . . . upon getting the news that the Alpha is probably hiding out at Beacon Hills Hospital, where Scott’s mom works, Stiles and his new boyfriend “Miguel” erp . . . I mean Derek drive over there to investigate.  Unfortunately, Stiles is currently missing what will, most likely, be his ONLY chance to play first lacrosse, which makes me sad, both for him and his dad.

But you know what’s NOT sad .  . . what’s in fact, HILARIOUSLY funny?  THIS . . .

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Yeah . . . apparently Derek wasn’t too cool on Stiles pimping him out to Danny, in exchange for some cell phone information.  Fortunately, Stiles seems to have a very bouncy skull, and will probably be just fine.  (He’ll have a killer headache, tomorrow though!)

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why Derek made Stiles go into the hospital BY HIMSELF, knowing that there was a pretty good possibility that the Alpha was in there . . .

Like a lamb heading to slaughter . . . 

In fact, all it takes is for Stiles to report to Derek via telephone that Derek’s “invalid” uncle is no longer in his room, despite his having supposedly not left his CHAIR for ten years, for Derek to figure out EXACTLY who the Alpha is . . . And in about three seconds we will know too . . .

You know, I gotta say, as far as having a “good cover” for being a serial killer, pretending to be a vegetable for ten years, is about as ambitious as they come!  Color me impressed!  But Uncle Alpha didn’t get where he is today, by being a lone wolf, he had at least one accomplice . . .

As of now, I’m not quite sure what the nurse has to do with all this.  Currently, my guess is she was either boning the Alpha, or she’s part of his pack.  Perhaps, both.  But to be honest, I’m more worried about Stiles right now . . . and he’s, rightfully, more worried about himself than he is about solving the Mystery of the Alpha for his Scooby Gang pals.

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But worry not, Stiles!  Because Derek Hale is here to rescue YOU!

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Now, that’s HOT! 

Unfortunately, for Derek,  he’s really no match for the Alpha, as we learned that time when said Alpha GUTTED LIKE A FISH!

Ahh!  Memories! 

So, eventually Derek is temporarily incapacitated, and we come to that annoying, but necessary, part of every story, where the villain monologues for his prospective victims, and tells them all his secrets . . .

The Alpha’s first secret?  He FAKED HIS UGLY FACE (either that or he has the coolest Plastic Surgery Mirror EVER)!

Here’s another interesting Alpha tidbit.  Remember when Derek visited his fake invalid uncle in the hospital, and asked him if anyone else got out of the fire alive that could potentially be the Alpha?  Remember how Fake Invalid Uncle raised his finger?  Well, apparently, he was POINTING AT HIMSELF!

That Alpha . . . what a FUNNY GUY!

But, for me, the most interesting tidbit was THIS . . . Uncle Alpha BECAME an Alpha by killing the original Alpha, also known as . . . wait for it . . . Laura Hale.

My Alpha . . . how you’ve changed! 

And it was the act of becoming an Alpha that healed his wounds (and also made him nuts).  Why this is pertinent, of course, is that it pretty much debunks Derek’s theory that Scott could cure his own werewolfism by killing the Alpha.  In fact, if Scott kills Uncle Fake Invalid, he will become an EVEN BIGGER ASSHAT WOLF than he is now.  But . . . and here’s the kicker . . . so will DEREK, if HE kills his uncle . . .  which he may very well do in the upcoming episode . . .

My sentiments exactly  . . .

On a lighter note, Derek was also wrong about something else . . . he and Scott ARE definitely part of the same pack.  (All together now . . . AWWW!)

Speaking of pack members, we actually learned some important things on the boring lacrosse field too . . .  Wanna hear them?

Well too bad, because here they come . . .

(1) Contrary to popular belief, there IS, in fact, a “ME” in “Team” . . .

 (2) The Argents are werewolf hunters, because their last name means “silver.”  (Well, actually, we sort of knew that already, but . . . whatever JACKSON!

(3) Auntie Kate is a closet pedophile who wants to lick teenage boys.  She thinks Jackson is hot, and really wants to hit that.  She also thinks he might be the second beta wolf because . . . wait for it . . . a DEEP WEREWOLF SCRATCH is enough to turn a human into a werewolf.

“BUT WAIT . . .” You say.  I thought only an ALPHA could turn a human into a werewolf.  Derek is just a beta.  TRUE.  BUT . . . what if . . . a human was scratched by a Beta . . .

 . . .and that same scratch was TRACED by an Alpha . . .

Uh Oh, Jackson!  Be careful what you wish for . . . because you just might get it.

See you next week, Werebangers!

P.S. Special thanks go out, once again, to my FABULOUS, UBER TALENTED, EXPERT SCREENCAPPER, Andre, for all the beautiful caps you see here (particularly the shirtless ones, because those deserve EXTRA thanks). 😉

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