“It all happened so fast” – A Recap of the Teen Wolf Season Finale “The Divine Move”

Que pasa, Werebangers! This second half of the third season of Teen Wolf has been a bit of a whirlwind. Just thinking about how much has gone down in the span of twelve episodes makes me dizzy, and a little sleepy.

Stiles got some nookie . . .(a lot of nookie actually . . . more nookie than he’d gotten in the first 2 seasons combined).

He also went temporarily evil and killed a lot of people . . .

. . . while simultaneously deciding that wrapping toilet paper around one’s face would make for a great fashion statement . . .

Also, 1/3 of the cast left the show . . .

. . . to eventually be replaced by all these other people we’d never seen before (except for maybe that one time we watched The Secret Circle).

Teen Wolf Season 3 set the impressive record of being The Season with the Most Swallowed Bugs . . .

It was the season during which we learned a whole slew of Japanese vocabulary words like Kitsune, Nogitsune, Oni, and Go and Bardo, none of which will ever help us find the bathroom, if we ever find ourselves stuck in Tokyo . . .

And yet still no one has figured out what Greenberg looks like?!!!!

Crazy, right? Let’s review, shall we?

[Special thanks to Andre who fearlessly and loyally provided me with the spectacular screencaps you see here each week. Without him, this website would be nothing more than my own often drunken ramblings about Derek’s abs, and how I find Stiles’ long fingers weirdly sexy . . . ]

The Tragedy Hangover

Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one will tell you that the initial Moment of Death is not the hardest part. I mean sure, you might scream, or cry, be frozen in shock or fear, laugh inappropriately, or feel oddly empty . . . void of any emotion at all.

But the real pain of that loss doesn’t usually come until hours later, after the dust has settled, the rush of adrenaline has faded, and you’ve stumbled back to your empty home. Its then, and only then, that the realization finally settles in. This person is really gone. They aren’t coming back. That’s the part that’s most devastating . . . the one that could truly wreck you, if you let it.

I think Teen Wolf portrayed that moment of understated, but excruciating pain, well, in the initial moments of the finale, as Lydia, Scott and Isaac had to sit in that police station and calmly lie to the police about what really killed their friend and lover. There are no screams or wails of anguish. Few tears are shed. But still the tragedy of the scene is palpable, and can be summed up in five short words  . . .
“It all happened so fast.”

J.R. Bourne gave a particularly nuanced performance in this episode as a heartbroken father who has now lost his entire family to the Argent Code of Honor, but must lock away his grief beneath a wall of stoicism and steely determination. He does this because he still believes in a cause greater then himself, and because that Cause is the only thing that is keeping him from falling apart.

In some ways, Chris Argent is like a modern day Ned Stark from Game of Thrones . . . only he got to keep his head . . .

The Game of Go-gurt

Holed up in The Lady Fox house, and in desperate need of some self-tanner, and maybe some blush, sickly no-longer-Nogitsuned Stiles is understandably a little ticked off that, while he and his friends seem to have mere hours to live, Kira’s mom seems more interested in drinking un-magical tea, and rambling on about a lame Board Game than in kicking some ONI ass . . .

“What is this ish?”

News flash, Kira’s mom! The Game of Go sucks! And nobody understands that better than Stiles, who was forced to play it in his trapped subconscious for days on end . . .

“Let’s go pay a visit to Everybody’s favorite Magical Veterinarian, Deaton!” Stiles offers helpfully. “He too speaks in annoying metaphors. But at least he doesn’t make me play board games, when I should be out fighting crime!”

Speaking of fighting crime . . .
It’s Oni Time!
At the sheriff’s station, Stiles’ dad and The Hot Sheriff Whose Probably Something Supernatural get paid a visit by a couple Really Pissed Off Oni. Why are they pissed, you ask?

“So, guys.  I got this great joke.  A ninja walks into a bar . . . wait, there’s a ninja standing behind me right now, isn’t there?  Why is there always a ninja behind me, every time I try to tell a ninja joke?”

Maybe it has something to do with their party clothes being so binding. Don’t think that’s a good excuse to go around shooting officers of the law? Well, then YOU try to have fun at a rave while dressed as a cross between Darth Vader and Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Or how about having to work for a real slave driver of a boss, who never lets you take days off, remove your ridiculous uniform, or break for lunch, just because this one time the dude happened to break a stick in front of your face?

“It’s not easy being Oni.”

Come to think of it, the Onis may very well be the most misunderstood baddies on this show. Suck on that, Grandpa!

Stand up and Fight!
From a brooding badass mentor with dubious motives in Season 1, to a tragic, severely flawed antihero, destroyed by his own pride in Season 2, to a not particularly bright, has-been Alpha, with ridiculously bad taste in women and a peculiar blindness for large Neon Warning Signs placed right in front of his face in Season 3a, it’s clear that the character of Derek Hale has seen better days.

But this week gave us a glimpse of another Derek, one from another life, and another type of show . . . a show where he didn’t have to settle for being the Past His Prime Guy . . . or The Guy Who Hangs Out with High Schoolers, Because He Doesn’t Have Any Friends His Own Age. The Derek of “The Divine Move” coulda been a contendah . . . or at least a really inspirational drill sergeant or high school football coach . . .

When the Alpha twins, after being nursed back to health by Doctor Der contemplate blowing the popsicle stand that is Beacon Hills, Good Ole Der gives them a good old fashioned “Hell to the no,” and a speech that was clearly cribbed from this song . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ

(Just swap the word “Scott” in for “love.” And the similarities are truly uncanny.)

Truth be told, Scott has always struck me as more of a sweet dopey puppy, than a heroic Alpha wolf. But the dude IS loyal and persistent in the face of adversity. So, at least he has that going for him . . .

Speaking of Derek, did I mention that his pretty little box with his mother’s gross toenails in it just so happens to be the key to saving the world from Evil Stiles? Now, I did!

There’s a Bathroom on the Right

If I had to choose the most disturbingly powerful, and viscerally impactful scene of the season, my vote would most definitely go to Nogitsu-Stiles’ slo-mo hospital massacre to the tune of one of the most eerily awesome covers of the song “Bad Moon Rising” on the planet.

Jeff Davis and co. definitely didn’t pull any punches here. No one was safe. Nurses, interns, children, mommies, daddies, receptionist, young, old, fat, thin . . . everybody got eviscerated for no other reason than because Nogitsu-Stiles thought murdering them all would be fun. It was awful. It was bloody. It was oddly beautifully choreographed, and glorified its violence with the cool panache of a Tarantino movie. Do not try this at home kiddies.
A word about “Bad Moon Rising.” My dad was a major Creedence Clearwater Revival fan. So much so that I feel like a good portion of my childhood was spent listening to this song on long road trips to family vacations. To this day, it reminds me of that terrible feeling of really having to pee, while stuck in a car, and knowing that there won’t be a rest stop for another twenty miles. . . .

“There’s a bathroom on the right.”

Indeed . . .
Seriously, listen to the original version of the song and tell me that doesn’t sound like what they are saying . . .

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Apparently everyone in Beacon Hills owns a gun with unlimited bullets, but is a terrible shot. So many shootouts in this episode. Cops shooting Oni, Oni shooting cops, Oni shooting Scott’s mom in the leg. No one shooting Scott’s douchey dad, because . . . been there, done that . . .

In Beacon Hills’ law enforcement’s defense, to the Oni, getting pelted with bullets probably feels like the way you and I would feel about being pelted with rubber bands. It’s annoying, and may sting a little, but probably isn’t going to leave you with much in the way of permanent damage. That doesn’t stop the cops from shooting though . . . and shooting . . . and shooting.

They say the definition of an idiot is someone who does the same thing over and over again, expecting different results . . .

I hate to rail on Sheriff Stilinski, because he seems like such a nice guy. But I’m willing to bet Stiles got his brains from his mother’s side of the family, vulnerable to evil spirit possession and deadly disease though they might be . . .

Discoveries Abound
All the shooting and murder packed into this hour left little time for plot exposition. So, they kind of threw it all together into about two minutes. At the same time that Isaac and Papa Argent clue in to Allison’s posthumous discovery that silver is poisonous to the Oni, and can kill them if it penetrates their bodies at the right angle, Lydia figures out that Stiles is dying (which Stiles confirms by popping up, looking kind of dead, and basically saying “I’m dying.”) Simultaneously, all the shot Scooby Gang parents (and Deaton, because you could bet the Oni found him too) figure out that the smoke blowing Oni-induced bullets in them are ALSO poisonous . . .

With all that pesky plot out of the way, I’d say it’s time for another fight scene . . . or ten. Wouldn’t you?

Oni Baloney
Divide, conquer, and mindf*&k. That’s always been the Oni’s game. It’s how Nogitsu-Stiles gets the Scooby Game to think they are all in the same place, but actually find themselves in two different places, both fighting two versions of Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

Who knew this guy had copy machine-like cloning abilities?

Or does he?

While Derek and the twins fight Nogitsu-Stiles and the Oni in one place, and Scott and co fight him seemingly someplace else, it all gets very confusing, very quickly.

For example, since when did it start snowing?

How did Nogitsu-Stiles get back his toilet paper face?

And why is he Moonwalking?

But as is usually the case with the trickster spirit who feeds on chaos, all is not as it seems . . .

Nogitsu-Stiles offers Stiles and Co an alternative to all this mass murder. Stiles can disembowel himself, and Scott and chop off his head. Then, everyone else gets to live.

Sounds great, right?

Nahhh!

You see, Stiles still has one move left. And it’s . . . wait for it . . . The Divine Move.

In a flash, our wise hero/villain discovers that it’s not really snowing, and the Scooby Gang isn’t really in “Bardo,” as Nogitsu-Stiles had suggested.

They are just outside the school. And the Oni . . . and toilet paper head they are fighting? Nothing more than mere illusions.

Because the real Nogitsu-Stiles and Oni are fighting Derek and the twins.

So, what’s a Scooby Crew to do?

Face the illusion, head-on, of course. Wake up and smell the toilet paper head!

Because any experienced sufferer of nightmares knows that the easiest way to defeat a bad dream is to discover that you are having one . . .

“You can’t kill meeeeeeee.”
Ahhh, the Villain’s Anthem. Every Season has one . . .

And 3B is no exception.

There’s a point in every narrative where the Bad Guy, whose been performing flawlessly up to this point, finally allows his own hubris to get the best of him. And so he gets his last Monologue of Evil. It’s both his theme song and his death rattle.

Because, it’s precisely when Nogitsu-Stiles is proclaiming his immortality that he is at his most vulnerable. Isaac and Papa Argent are silver sniping his Oni, left and right. Scott and Kira have pullen the fabric off his deftly created hallucination.

Stiles and Lydia . . . well, they aren’t doing much of the fighting. But they look pretty darn cute, spouting out sassy things to the Evil One, don’t they . . .
And then comes the clincher: “Change the Host, kill the Void.”

All this time, everyone assumed that meant that Scott would have to bite Stiles. But with Nogitsu-Stiles out on his own, the True Alpha has things much easier. He just gets to bite the Bad Guy.

And like that poof . . . he’s gone.

Literally, the bug flies out of his mouth and straight into Mama Hale’s gross nail jar. And then Evil Stiles, well, he cracks up and turns to ash . . .

You gotta hand it to this baddie. He even knows how to die cool.

Then, magically all those dying people with festering Oni wounds are just peachy.

With one or two very big exceptions . . .
Exception 1: Stiles, who collapses mere seconds after the death of his doppelganger.

Stiles is dead. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just kidding!

Dude just needed another nap. It’s been a long season, after all.
Exception 2: Aiden

This one might be a bit more permanent.

You see, that’s the trouble with redemption arcs. They can often be deadly . . .

In the end, the Alpha twins were finally able to prove themselves to the pack into which they so desperately wanted membership. But membership just wasn’t in the cards for them . . .

Regression to the Mean
Back when I was a kid and I had a really bad day, I would always comfort myself with the knowledge that I was “owed” a couple of good days for my troubles, or at least some less crappy ones . . . because I believed that things generally evened out in the end.

Who knew that was actually a real scientific principle? Thanks Deaton!

Season 3A ended with an almost unrealistically cheery concluding montage, particularly after all the death and carnage the Darach had created in Beacon Hills. This season ended with a montage too, but it was a much more somber one. The Scooby Gang had lost members of its own tribe . . . important members that they loved and cherished. And though they will regroup and move on, they know, deep down, that it will never be quite the same.

It’s for that reason that Ethan decides to leave Beacon Hills, a place where the death of his twin will never be far from his consciousness. Danny understands. In fact, he’s actually pretty content about the whole thing. He knows there will be other guys for him . . . guys that don’t howl at the moon, and haven’t murdered their entire family . . . guys that aren’t werewolves.

Yep, that’s right Werebangers. Danny was in the know about the supernatural whozits and whatzits of Beacon Hills all along! He just chose to play dumb about it, because he’d prefer to stay alive and retain his humanity, thank you very much.

I take back what I said about Stiles and Lydia. Danny is actually the smartest teen in Beacon Hills.

In other news, Malia has enrolled in high school, despite only having a third grade education. But it’s totally cool, because she has, as coach said, “Really good muscle definition,” and can make her nails grow at will, like Wolverine . . .

She’s also screwed Stiles, thereby saving his life, in the event that a Virgin Killer happens to find her way to Beacon Hills again . . .

Speaking of returning She-Devils . . .
La Loba of a Different Color
Derek Hale is having a dream, in which he is in a gym locker room with Stiles, touching his “fingers,” which is pretty much the first chapter of every Sterek fanfiction I have ever read . . .

“That’s gross.  But also kind of hot.”

In real life, things are much less rosy, however. He’s in his house, and those pesky Mexican hunters are there again, babbling on about “La Loba” “La Loba.”

Derek immediately assumes they are talking about his sister Cora. But Cora’s off in Europe pretending to be the Queen Mary.

So, it’s not her they are after.
It’s this b*tch!

She’s baaaaaaaaaaaack.

See ya in the summertime, Werebangers!

Casualties of War – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Insatiable”

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, our Scooby Gang learned that, when you are fighting an evil fox spirit with a penchant for shoving flies into its enemies orifices, casualties of war are inevitable.  And sometimes those casualties might come in the form of people you always assumed would be safe, because they are in the main title sequence of the show .  . .

That’s right, boys and girls.  Jeff Davis actually went and killed off Allison Argent, one of Teen Wolf’s Big Four, a decision that will undoubtedly alter the feel and dynamic of the show for the rest of its run.  Regardless of how you felt about Allison as a character, and the way she was utilized throughout the series (first as a love interest, then as a surprise villain, then as a redemption story, and finally, as wallpaper), Teen Wolf fans cannot doubt the impact of her presence on the show for its past three seasons.

And so, without further adieu, I present to you the episode that will forever go down in Teen Wolf history as Allison Argent’s Swan Song . . .

(It will also go down in history as the episode with Two Stiles!  Talk about Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun.)

 

[As always, a big hearty thank you goes out to my screencapping pal Andre, who I think would pull an evil mind controlling fly out of my mouth, if I asked nicely . . . though I suspect he’d do it wearing a surgical glove, and would make certain I’d at least brushed my teeth first.]

Open Your Mouth and Say Ahhhh

 

“This is more uncomfortable than that time my brother stuck his hand up my ass and merged bodies with me.“

What a fun way to begin an episode!  Deaton decides to exorcise Isaac, Aiden and Ethan of their demons the old fashioned way, by sticking his hand down their throat and making them puke them out in the shower.   (I guess having the wolves do it themselves would have made it seem like Teen Wolf promotes bulimia?)

 

Deep Throat 2: Dig Deeper

Speaking of exorcise, Stiles finally mans up and gets his Oni-induced self-tattoo . . .

 

“Can’t I just get a hickey instead?”

“We meet again.”

“You know, since we are going the whole tattoo route, I was thinking you could give me something a bit more original . . . like Batman or the Abominable Snowman.”

“Or you could just give me the same old boring backwards S everybody else has . . . whichever you think is best.”

. . . thus proving him to no longer be a possessed evil demon, but rather someone with whom many Soap Opera characters can relate: The Guy with the Evil Twin.

 

 

“I’m the hot one!”

Speaking of Stiles’ Less Snarky But More Swaggery other half, he’s chillin in the basement of Eichen House with a kidnapped Lydia, trying to charm her with his best nogitsune pickup lines . . .

“Scream for me Lydia,” he coos.

“Check out my cool underground lair that smells like dead people.”

“Your other love interest on this show is probably going to croak.  And I look just like him.  Isn’t that good enough?”

“I can eat your feelings.  Yum!  Sexy, sexy!”

 

“Lydia’s feelings taste like onion rings.”

“Hey, mind if I sniff your neck?”

Fortunately for the Nogitsune, Lydia is no stranger to generalized creepiness, and uncouth sexual advances.  After all, she dated Jackson . .  .

And Dead Uncle Peter . . .

And This Guy . . .

Come to think of it, Nogitsu-Stiles might very well be her ideal mate!

Preparing for Battle

Around Beacon Hills, our Scooby Crew are all prepping for the showdown of the century.  Deputy Parish is speaking cryptically . . .

Derek and Papa Argent are . . . kissing and making up .  . .

 

“You wouldn’t happen to know where I might be able to find a Hallmark card that says, ‘Sorry I doused you in kerosene, because I swallowed an evil bug, would you?”

“I keep a bunch of them in my top drawer just in case.”

“Cool.  Would you mind writing one to yourself from me?  I haven’t picked up a writing utensil in ten years, and even then it was just to stab someone I didn’t like in the eye.”

Kira and her mom are . . . enjoying Family Game Night.

 

 

“When you are 900 years old, you find a lot of new and inventive ways to waste time.”

“If I wanted to waste time, I’d go upstairs and have meaningless lukewarm sex with Scott, not play a more boring version of checkers with you.”

Stiles, Scott and Sheriff Stilinski are paying a visit to everybody’s Second Favorite Banshee, Crazy Meredith, who they figure may have Lydia on her “Friends and Family” plan on her non-working payphone.

“E.T phone home.”

(Why does everybody always assume that all banshees automatically know one another?  Isn’t that a little racist?)

Unfortunately, finding Meredith may be easier said than done.  After all, like seemingly every other loon in Eichen House, Meredith has figured out that freedom is always just a misplaced shot of Haldol, and an orderly key swipe away . . .

 

“Rats, foiled again!”

Which you are YOU?

While Lydia endures the creepy company of Nogitsu-Stiles, Real Stiles takes a nap, and awakens petrified that this little snooze, like every other one he’s taken this season was less nap and more EVIL FOX POSSESSION.

“Nope, you were legitimately sleeping this time,” his bro Scott reassures him.

 

“Hey remember that time you and I were in each other’s arms like this, and you stabbed me with a sword?  Good times.”

Stiles seems pretty relieved to hear this good news, except for the fact that he’s now freezing cold and pretty much at death’s door.

 

Nogits-Flu

A nice healthy Nogitsune Possession is starting to look like a pretty attractive alternative now,  isn’t it Stiles?

Speaking of mistaken identity, Allison is forced to ask Isaac whether he was the dude she f*&ked the night before, or if she actually bumped uglies with the psycho fly guy who chained her to the bed the following morning.

 

Isaac proudly proclaims that it was definitely him who put his weiner inside the Argent vajayjay.

 

“I totally tapped that ass!”

And that’s really nice for Allison to hear.  I mean, no one wants to think they’ve been having sex with bugs . . .

But honestly I’m still a bit skeptical.  Let’s recap . . . Isaac was ill in the hospital and unconscious up until that fly invaded his IV.  Then his eyes went all firefly yellow, and the next thing you know he’s perfectly  healthy in Allison’s bedroom acting oddly quiet, extremely sexually aggressive and way creepier than usual.

I don’t know about you guys, but it sure sounds like Bug Sex to me.

Perhaps, Isaac was just telling Allison what she wanted to hear, because he somehow knew she was  shortly headed to the big ole Argent Graveyard in the Sky, and he didn’t want her to die feeling all skeeved out her recent sexual encounter.  Nice guy , that Isaac!

Coach Crackhead TO THE RESCUE!

Having somehow wandered  all the way from Eichen House to the high school on foot (is this entire town one square mile long?), Meri-Death gets the brilliant idea to sit in on Coach’s Econ class . . . probably because every other teacher in the school has already been murdered, and Coach’s class is the only one left.

 

“Since Post Nogitsune Stiles is less snarky and more emo broody, I figured the Scooby Gang had an opening in the position of  The Quirky One.  Is now a good time to apply?”

Eichen House Dickwad, who didn’t even bother to change out of his scrubs before making the trip to school, has some not-so-nice words to say to everyone’s favorite Econ Teacher before barging in to bring Meredith back to the loony bin.

 

The Pajama Squad

Bad move, Dickwad.  You just messed with the wrong gym teacher.

Meredith, meanwhile, is doing what any self-respecting banshee escaped from a mental institution would do.  She’s talking to a piano!  The problem is that the piano is speaking too quietly, and Meredith can’t hear it.

 

“Beethoven is that you?  Think you could maybe teach me how to play chopsticks?”

And then, just when the piano is finally ready to speak up, in comes Eichen House Dickwad with his trustee taser.

 

“Torturing mentally disturbed minors is awesome!“

Fortunately for Meredith, Coach Crackhead hates douchebags with tasers .  . . and bullies . .  and people who curse . . . and the American Healthcare system.

Nighty night, Eichen House Dickwad!

And that was how Coach Crackhead finally became an unofficial member of the Scooby Gang.  Here’s hoping they don’t they don’t decide to kill him off next week . ..

Father Knows Best

In other adult news, Allison and Papa Argent shared a nice moment, during which Papa indoctrinated Allison into kind of a neat family tradition of fashioning bullets out of silver.  I liked that Allison decided to fashion a silver arrowhead instead, since that has always been her weapon of choice.

One of the cool things about Allison Argent is that, while she remained faithful to her family’s history and ideals, she was never afraid to question them, when they needed questioning, and to chart out her own path, when the old family guidebooks didn’t seem to suit her current situation.  As a werewolf hunter, Allison Argent has always been a bit of a pioneer.  Sure she stumbled a bit, along the way, was evil for a good portion of the second season, and sometimes seemed more interested in getting laid than getting stuff done.  But hey, she’s just a teenager after all.  And given that, I’d say she made for a pretty fierce heroine during her lifetime on the show.

Was Allison’s “goodbye” to her father a bit heavy handed, particularly in light of her demise by the end of the episode?  Sure!  I mean, Allison and her dad pretty much put themselves in harm’s way every episode this season.  Why choose now to get all mushy gushy about it?  But as an opportunity to showcase the character’s strengths and how much she’s grown since the pilot episode, I think the season was an effective one.

Unlike, say . . . the scene between Scott and his dad . . .

After weeks of speculation, the real Big Secret Scott’s dad had been keeping from his son about why he left was finally revealed.  And it was . . .  drumroll please . . .

Scott hit his head once when he was a baby, because Scott’s dad was a drunk.

THAT’S IT????!   THAT’S THE DEEP DARK SECRET?? WHY THE GUY STAYED AWAY ALL THIS TIME?

Well . . . at least it explains why our True Alpha is so . . . how do I put this kindly?  Slow?

Too many knocks to the noggin during one’s pre-adolescent years could cause any kid to end up a few crayons short of a Crayola Box .  . .

Speaking of non-sequiturs, elsewhere in Beacon Hills the Alpha Twins almost get murdered by a barrage of wolfsbane-infused bullets, but are rescued by Derek, in a sequence that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with this week’s episode, apart from the possible build-up of a cliffhanger for Season 4.

Change in Ownership

It took Kira playing a silly board game with her mother, and a fake cell phone conversation between Meredith and The Banshee Network for our Scooby Gang to figure out what most fans could have told you back in episode 3 or 4 . . . that the final showdown between the Oni, Nogitsu-Stiles and the Scooby Gang was destined to take place where all this crap began 70 years earlier  . . . at Eichen House.

Speaking of complex machinations leading to obvious conclusions, it also appears that Nogitsu-Stiles only captured Lydia so he could figure out when the Oni were close enough for him to break Kira’s mom’s last tail, assigning their ownership from her to him.

Hey Nogitsu-Stiles, I could think of another way you could have figured out when the Oni were close . . . you could have waited until you ACTUALLY SAW THEM . . .

Just saying . .

Complaints aside, I’m not a huge fan of Kira’s mom.  I think she’s kind of a b*tch basically.  So, I’d be lying if I didn’t cheer just a little bit when Nogitsu-Stiles smiled smarmily at his sort-of / kind-of erstwhile ex girlfriend, while he flaunted her army of former minions in her face.  That’s what you get for being cocky, Mommy Dearest.

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAAT

Time for this week’s fight scene.  And ooh, I’ve gotta say, this one is a doozy.

Stiles finds Lydia and to say she is unhappy to be rescued is an understatement.  Not that the girl is ungrateful, per say, it’s just that she was pretty confident the death that she was feeling was Nogitsu-Stiles.  But now that all her friends are here fighting for her honor, well . . .

Let’s just say she’s rightfully got a bad feeling about this.

While Real Stiles takes a much deserved other nap  (Dude really did spend most of this season asleep, didn’t he?) .  . .

. . . the rest of the gang takes another shot at the now fully-recharged evil Oni.  And they get slaughtered!

 

 

“Homework is looking pretty good right now.”

In a surprise twist, Allison figures out, almost by accident that they key to killing the Oni are the same silver-tipped arrowheads she fashioned just hours earlier.

 

 

 

 

“I’m mellllttttinnnng.”

Annnnnd . .. then she gets her tummy sliced in half by an Oni Sword.  Isn’t that always how things work out?

A horrified Scott rushes to Allison’s side only to realize that she is basically already gone.  He can’t even take away her pain, because she feels nothing.  In her tearfully poignant final monologue, Allison declares Scott as her first and always love . . .

(Sorry Isaac!  Maybe it would have been better off if she did bone the fly.)

She also pleas that Scott tell her father something . . . but she dies before she can say what that something is.  I’m thinking her message for dad has to do with the Oni-killing arrowheads. Allison must have put something different in them to make them the effective weapons they were.  I suspect this “secret” will come into play in next week’s finale.

But for now, we mourn Allison Argent, the third member of the Argent clan to meet an untimely demise, and the first to actually die as a pretty darn decent person . . .

 

 

Why do I have the terrible feeling that old evil Gramps is going to outlive them all . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, the Season of Nogitsu-Stiles will reach its stunning conclusion, and another pack member will, unfortunately, kick the wolfsbane bucket.

Any guesses as to which Beacon Hills resident shouldn’t be buying any green bananas?

Until next time,Werebangers!

Buggin’ Out – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “De-Void”

Aloha, Werebangers!   This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.

Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off?  What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel?  Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?

As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .

and Dream Slut Allison .   . .

It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . .  Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes.  But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?

Loved it!

So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.  Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]

Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!

I hate to say it, folks.  But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.

What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!

Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands.   The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him.   And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.

Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.

“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such.  So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating.  Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”

Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.

A father’s love for his son . . .

A hunter’s ego and bloodlust  . . .

“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”

A friend’s loyalty . ..

“Not going to lie.  I’m a little turned on right now.  You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”

“Trust me, friend.  This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”

“Really?  Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”

Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .

“Sh*t, this place again.  Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break.  We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”

“It’s been fun guys.  But I’ve kind of gotta jet.  Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!“

As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more.  After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.

And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .

And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course.  But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .

“I feel so used!”

Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping.   Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago  . . .

Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done.  Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.

Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?

True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .

Should Have Brought More Bug Spray

Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .

“Hey sweet cheeks.  My body is rotting, my soul is gone.  But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works.  Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”

“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”

We can understand her nostalgia.  After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .

“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”

. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .

“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”

. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday,  it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .

“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”

Talk about trading down!

Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”

Kid travels fast!  Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House.  Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .

While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .

“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”

WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?

“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”

Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve .  . .

“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”

Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”

Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .

Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!

Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted  aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!

I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..

But you know what I did after watching this episode?  I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .

Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .

*Slurp, slurp*

And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .

That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .

“YEAH!  BUG PORN!”

Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .

Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!

Damn, GPS!

Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .

But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system.  I lovingly named her Taylor.  And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State.    Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction.   But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures .  . . despite  those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”

“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”

So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.

“You have reached your destination . . .  for sex in Season 4.”

MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .

Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .

Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .

Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .

“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet.  But this is kind of ridiculous.”

Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . .  foreplay . .  .

“Talk dirty to me?”

Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show,  why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?

Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s  slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .

“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”

As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE .  . .

I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage.  After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings.  Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .

Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?

“We aren’t being the least bit helpful.  But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”

Weapons of Mass Destruction

With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles.  Their reluctant choice?  Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing.  He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism.  And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.

Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods.  And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .

Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????

Be afraid, Werebangers . . .  Be Very Afraid . .  .

This is your brain on Stiles . . .

Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .

First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.

And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .

“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”

And so he does . . .

After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.

“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”

He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .

“Haha, look at all those blue balls.  Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”

And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .

“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”

. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!

Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed.  But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .

You go, Stiles!  Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .

Papa Don’t Preach

Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .

“You kind of suck at your job.”

“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max.  So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”

. . . Detective McCall?

“Douchey on the outside.  Soft and mushy on the inside.”

Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time.  Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .

No GO!

Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to  find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.

“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”

(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)

“Poor man’s checkers . . .”

Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .

“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”

Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .

I know what will help you!  How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..

And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Talk about a powerful mouth!  No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .

Got any toilet paper?

Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.

“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies!  Do not try this at home!“

SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago .  . .

Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .

“Hey guys!  We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”

But wait . . . which Stiles is which?

Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .

“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .

Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k?  You’re move, Scooby Gang!

Until next time, Werebangers!

Burning Up for Your Love – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Fox and The Wolf”

Memories, like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories, of the way we were . . . before you got burned alive by grandma, and had to wear toilet paper around your head . . . and I accidentally got you possessed by an evil fox spirit . . . and killed you with my big ole sword .  . . and you came back to terrorize the entire cast of Teen Wolf . . .

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week’s installment of TeenWolf took us back in time to 1943, in order to finally “unwrap the bandages” on the Nogitsune’s sort-of origin story.  Turns out our evil villain was simply following orders from Kira’s mom????!

“I’m kind of The Worst.”

We also learned that the Nogitsune’s tendency to possess attractive likeable boys with good hearts didn’t start with Stiles.

“Hey Kira’s mom?  Wanna play with my balls?”

But hey, now that we see what happened to the Nogitsune’s previous host, I’m starting to think our loveable hero has it easy.  At least Stiles gets to keep his pretty face for all his troubles  . . .

 A face that’s too pretty to be wrapped in Charmin. . .

It wasn’t my favorite episode of Teen Wolf.  I’m not going to lie.  While I appreciated the cinematic beauty and standalone-quality “The Fox and The Wolf” offered, I’ve never been one for flashback episodes that are focused almost entirely on supporting cast members.  While I feel like the episode was important to Season 3B in its reveal of the Nogitsune’s “humble beginnings,” and its finally tying the ever- pervasive theme of Japanese internment camps (and the Nemeton, for that matter) to the Story Proper, part of me feels like the narrative could have been condensed to one or two scenes, leaving more time to focus on the present-day dilemmas of our Scooby Gang, as they prepare to wage war against the Nogitsune.

(I mean, Dylan O’Brien literally had no lines in the entire episode.  All he got to do during the entire hour was wave at the camera for two seconds.  What the f*&k was that about?)

Nevertheless, I appreciated Arden Cho’s impressive efforts in an episode that fell almost entirely on her shoulders, as she tackled the dual role of both Kira, and a younger version of her nearly 900-year old mother (Now , that’s some GOOD plastic surgery!).  And hey, I like looking at pretty soldier boys as much as the next girl.  So, who am I to complain?

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre my screencapper, for whom I would totally steal a baseball, if we were ever stuck in an internment camp together.]

Why I’ll Never Look at a Bottle the Same Way Again . . .

Let me start by saying that the Nogitsune will likely go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf villain ever.  He’s crafty.  He’s terrifying.  He took Dylan O’Brien’s acting to a whole other level . . .

But one of the things that always pissed me off about him was his insistence on spouting off those annoying childish riddles.  He’s like the only kid in your elementary school class who still found knock-knock jokes funny after age 5, and continued to spout them off annoyingly to anybody who would listen all through middle school.

But now we know that the Nogitsune’s reliance on riddles is merely ironic.  He’s just making fun of his first (scratch that second  .  . . ) victim (who was kind of an asshat, anyway, truth be told).  And that makes him SO much cooler . . .

“YOLO!”

The episode opens in 1943.  Two mildly attractive soldiers are disposing of dead bodies.  One of them keeps trying to annoyingly pepper his comrade, who is clearly unamused, with stupid riddles.

Q: “What has teeth, but doesn’t bite?”

A “A comb.”

Q:“What has a neck but no head?”

A: “A bottle”

“OK. I’ve got one.  What has two thumbs, a really bad sense of humor, and is about to be killed in the most ironically awful way possible? THIS GUYYYYY!”

Then Mr. Toilet Paper Head himself appears out of nowhere in the middle of the field.  Non-joke loving comrade tries to shoot him to no avail.  In fact, Mr. Toilet Paper Head wrenches his gun from the put-upon shoulder and shoots him, multiple times, in the chest.

“Kiss me, Sweetheart.”

Bad Riddle Teller tries to run, but it isn’t long before Mr. Toilet Paper Head Nogitsune’s got him by the throat as well.  “What’s got a neck, but no head?”  He asks slyly, before decapitating the annoying soldier, and holding his blood dripping face toward his disembodied corpse.

Now, that may very well have been the first riddle I actually enjoyed.  Does that make me a bad person?

Probably . . .

The Older the Tail, The Stronger the Oni

Having broken free from the nuthouse, a slightly sleep-deprived, but still sexy scary Stiles pays a visit to everybody’s current favorite history professor, Kira’s dad.  Why is it that history professors are constantly put in mortal danger on these supernatural teen shows?  Did all the writers of these television series flunk history, back in high school?  Because, personally, I did fine in history.  If I wrote a teen television series, it would be the math teachers, who’d be in serious trouble . . .

“Oh, hello Stiles.  Let me guess.  You want me to teach you how to read again.”

“No way!  Books are bad!  I hate you and your stupid books.”

He knocks over a few books with his long, oddly erotic fingertips,  as he opines the location of Kira’s mom’s hidden tails . . .  the tails that, when broken create the Darth Vadery-looking Oni, the Oni that are out to murder Nogitsu-Stiles, but, so far, haven’t been all that successful.

It appears that a Kitsune obtains a new tail for every 100 years of life, and Kira’s mom has already lost seven of hers attempting to eradicate Nogitsu-Stiles.  But there is one left.  And it’s the oldest, and therefore, strongest, one of all . . .

When Kira’s dad won’t willingly give up the location of Tail number 8, Nogitsu-Stiles makes him swallow a bug, which gross, but an entirely effective method of torture.

I mean, I’d auction off my first born to not suffer the indignity of having to choke on bugs in front of a sexy evil Dylan O’Brien.  So embarrassing. . .

Picture Perfect

Last week, we saw Stiles’ first possible sex partner escape the Loony Bin, in order to offer up a photograph as payment to Scott McCall, the one person with access to the knowledge Kira needs to turn back into a coyote forever.  (Hey Kira, are you sure this is what you really want?  Because, last I checked coyotes, only got to screw other coyotes . . .in other words, no more Stiles Sex for you!)

This week, we see Scott studying the photograph recently retrieved from the Nogitsune’s pocket.  The woman in the photograph looks just like Kira, herself, though the black and white photo was clearly taken before Kira’s birth, and the man in it is unknown to her.  Suspecting the photograph is of her a relative of hers, Kira takes Scott to the high school for a long-overdue confrontation with her parents.

By the time they arrive, Kira’s mom is already there, helping her husband un-choke on a bug.

“I don’t get it.  He wanted me to talk, but then he made me swallow a bug so that I couldn’t.  He must really hate books.”

Kira’s mom immediately cops to being the woman in the picture, and the true reason for the Nogitsune’s appearance in Mystic Falls.

In other words, it’s HER fault Stiles might die.  KILL HER!!!!!!

Reap What You Sow . . .

Back in flashback era, we see Kira’s mom stealing apple crates and baseballs from soldiers at olden-day Eichen House, and are SOOOOO not amused.  That Stiles killing biatch!

“I’ve really got you by the balls!”

Present day repercussions aside, we learn that Kira’s mom was actually a bit of a Robin Hood, stealing from the soldiers to give to the hungry and deprived in her WW2 Japanese Internment Camp.  She even stole a baseball for a little boy, something that would have seemed out of character in her cold-hard, present-day incarnation.

“I eat small children for breakfast.”

A grandma type warns Kira’s mom, who is about 800 years old at the time, that she is “young and reckless” and itching for a beatdown, if she doesn’t become more careful about what and when she steals.   Kira ‘s mom just blows her off.  After all, what do people who age naturally know about getting ahead in the world?

“Botox is for pussies.”

Especially, Granny here.  She does nothing to save her friends in the internment camp but sit around and play that wanna-be chess game, Go.  And Go has absolutely nothing to do with defeating the villains of this season . . . or does it?

Besides, Kira’s mom will never get caught . .  . not as long as she keeps boning the enemy. . .

Someone’s balls are about to drop about to drop the ball.

Save Stiles

Back at jail, Papa Stilinski breaks Derek and Papa Argent out of jail in the hopes that they will help rescue his son from Evil Fox Mind Control.  With a couple of brain scans in his arsenal, Papa Stilinski reveals what many Werebangers have already surmised, that Stiles’ supposed brain legions were nothing more than a trick perpetrated by the Nogitsune to break down Stiles’ emotional defenses to mind control.    He’s not brain damaged!  He’s just possessed.  SOOOOO MUCH BETTER, right?

This is your brain on Nogitsune. .  . Kind of looks like a frog, doesn’t it?

Kira and Scott want to save Stiles too, but Kira’s mom insists that murdering him is their only way out?  Why?  Because that’s what she had to do LAST TIME . . .

The Ring of Fire

When the entire internment camp comes down with pneumonia, and the medics find themselves without the medication required to cure it, Kira and her American boyfriend discover that the army doctor and those two dorky soliders who died in the beginning of the episode, have been selling the stuff on the black market at the expense of their patients.

The little kid with the baseball dies and his dad is furious.

The entire internment camp readies itself for revolution.  Of course, angry sick prisoners with sticks are no match for well-armed soldiers, right?  Unless, of course, one of those well-armed soldiers messes with grandma . . .

NO ONE BEATS UP GRANNY (the secret werewolf), AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

Sorry sexy American boyfriend.  It looks like this Bud is for you!

“I’ll take that.”

“Don’t ruin his balls!”

“This takes the term fire crotch to a whole new level.”

“Why did she waste my flaming beer on the only nice soldier in this episode?”

“Give me back my pretty face!”

Then, Kira’s mom gets shot a couple times, and decides to play dead long enough to get shipped off to pasture with the other actually dead bodies, including her boyfriend’s.

Back in the present day, Allison cries to Stiles’ dad in the elevator at the hospital, for no conceivable reason.

“I’ve got the sads.”

“And I’ve got a really inappropriate boner.”

But it fits the mood, and Papa Stilinski is relatively sweet about it (especially considering that HE is the one with the possessed son).  So, we don’t think much of it . . .

Nogitsune Rising . . .

Back in Beacon Hills, the Nogitsune makes his next move, right from the bedroom of his host . . .

“Where the magic happens . . .”

But in 1943, the Nogitsune has not yet arrived, because Kira’s mom has yet to call it.

“Catching a quick nap, before I do something REAALLLLLLY stupid.”

Then, she does call him, unwittingly offering up to the trickster spirit an entire truck filled with the bodies of potential hosts.

“It keeps my burnt crispy skin Charmin soft.”

But only one has a toilet paper head!  And boy is Nogitsu-Burned-Up American Boyfriend Pissed Off!

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again . . .

Nogitsu-Boyfriend responds to his girlfriend’s call to action, by killing, not only those jerky soldiers, but also Kira’s mom’s internment camp friends.  Talk about biting the hand that feeds you with your gross pointy teeth!

Realizing that she pretty much brought about the deaths of everyone who croaked in this episode, Kira decides to take down her Nogitsu-Boyfriend once and for all.  And she does it with the big fat sword under her bed that nobody thought to find, despite the fact that (1) she lived in an internment camp, which was inspected daily for contraband, and (2) her internment camp friends REALLY could have used it during the revolution they lost miserably earlier in the episode . . .

“Grandma, what big teeth you have.”

Long story short, Kira’s mom stabs Nogitsu-Reese with her big fat sword, and the help of the Wolf Granny responsible for burning him to a crisp.  She shatters her big fat sword in the process.

But then, just in case Kira’s mom hasn’t done enough stupid things in the context of this episode, she decides to do something REALLLLLLLLY stupid.

A fly comes out of Nogitsu-Boyfriend’s mouth.  Now, let’s guess what Kira’s mom does with the evil fly.

“My precious.”

Does she

(1)    Crush it with her fingers

(2)    Squash it with her heel.

(3)    Keep it alive, put it in a jar, and bury it underneath an ALL POWERFUL SUPERNATURAL TREE.

Did you guess 3?  Of course, you did.  Because you know that being really friggin old doesn’t necessarily make you smart.

“This is a souvenir of my sex life.”

Back in the present day, Kira uses her electric fingers to put her mom’s Big Fat Nogitsu-Killing Sword back together.  Then, her and Scott rush off to “save” Stiles, by chopping up his insides with the largest sushi knife in the world.  Let’s just hope Kira is smart enough to bring along some bug spray . . .

Meanwhile, the rest of the Scooby Gang has found a little gift in Stiles room.  It’s a chess set with all the Teen Wolf characters helpfully labeled.  Derek is the king, of course.

“I’m the King of the Woooooorllld!”

(I smell another Kung Fu Fighting scene to the tune of Mortal Kombat at Derek’s house!)

“You know, you really ought to consider getting more furniture in here.  At least a bed . . .”

Everyone else is pretty much pawns.  And Isaac’s already out of play.  Sorry Isaac.  It looks like having Allison grab your ass has done little to improve your chances for longevity on this show.

It all sounds pretty ominous.  But what does it mean?

Only Nogitsu-Stiles knows .  . . and Jeff Davis, of course.

 

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

The Trojan Horse – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Letharia Vulpina”

“Hey, it’s me Stiles!  Let me in!  I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”

So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.

My Little Trojan Horse Pony

Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.

And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons.  By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack.  He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection.  He becomes privy to their secrets.

He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .

All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success.  Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .

“Dance puppet, dance!”

 . . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .

.  . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .

. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .

. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.

But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . .  a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]

Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals.  Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.

By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.

But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals.  He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .

Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now, that’s just rude!

Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.

“OK, be honest.  Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”

Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.

“Marijuana farm?”

“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?”  The Yakuza wants to know.

“Just kidding!”  Deaton replies.  “He wasn’t.  And I just made you touch Kanaima goo.  Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”

“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”

Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs.  Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is .  . .

“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”

The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore .  . .

You can’t see it, IT’S ELECTRIC! Woonky, Wonky, wonky . . .

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital.   Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!

Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).

“Ooh an electric puddle.  I think I’ll step in it!”

“Me too!  Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”

Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?

Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .

“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”

So romantic!

Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .

“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”

 . . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .

“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”

(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).

“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”

Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled.  After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .

“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”

Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .

. . .  and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.

Who is on Team Nogitsune?

Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone.   Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.

But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines .  . .

Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.”  (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)

“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is.  And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff.  But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”  

And what about Allison?  The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self”  . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .

“Maybe I should touch his butt again.  It made him stronger last time!”

“I really hope she touches my ass again.  That will solve all my problems.”

Just sayin . . .

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”

At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . .  Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show?  Have we . . .

In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show.   What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .

“I come in peace.”

But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?

Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?

Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles.  And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt.  And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .

“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy .  . .

“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”

In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.

Peter Hale is equally slutty.  Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia.  Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy.  Or is he?

“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”

Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .

. . . because seducing  a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!

Dumb like fox!

It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.

“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”

“Not quite, Coach.”

“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”

But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?

 

“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”

 

Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut?  Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex?  What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?

Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.

 

 

 

“Is it at least a middle finger?  Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”

“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”

 

Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case).  Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .

For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural   hearing ability.   The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.

 

“Everybody stop talking,  Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”

Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch.  And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .

Meanwhile back at school . . .

“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”

Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .

(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)

If only Keanu Reeves were here.  He’d know what to do for sure!

Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.

 

 

Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.”  You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.

“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag!  You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”

Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die.  Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.

Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus.  It’s nothing but a crafty ruse.  A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .

 

“Hey look!  Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office.   Wasn’t that nice of him?”

We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”

Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .

Telling “Tails”

Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets?  Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.

 

“Take that, bad manicure!”

Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates.  Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.

 

Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

 

“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”

No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book.  Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!

Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .

 

(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him.  Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise?  Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)

If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .

 

“Is it Friday yet?”

But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .

There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . .  the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.

But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?

Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors.  And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY!  He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power.  (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it?  Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)

Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand.  (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”

“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”

Talk about getting off on pain!  That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he?  That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!

But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .

. . . help is on the way!  The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?

 

“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”

“That’s some good sh*t!”

And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills?  But for how long?

Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be.   He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass.  But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be?  What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?

Until next time, Werebangers!

This Bug’s For You – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Galvanize”

“Can you paint with all the colors of the wiiiiiiiiiiiiind?”

Aloha, Werebangers!  Since the main driving force behind Season 3B is to illustrate the consequences of our Beacon Hill’s Scooby Gang landing on a Hellmouth,  succumbing to a Kryptonite-Infused Meteor Shower,   dropping The Veil between the Natural World and the Supernatural One, temporarily sacrificing themselves as a tribute to the Supernatural Beacon Tree that is the Nemeton, it makes sense that this collection of episodes would seem a bit more disjointed and “freak of the week”-y, than the ones that preceded them . .  .

Let’s see, so far, in addition to our usual round-up of Alphas, Betas, Omegas, Banshees, Were-hunters, Emissaries, and people who REALLY, REALLY HATE MOUNTAIN ASH .  . .

. . . we have met Were-Coyotes . . .

. . . Fly Guys . . .

. . . Bug Tummies (who may or may not be related to the Fly Guys) . .  .

This is kind of like what happens to me whenever I eat burritos . . .

 .  . . Samurais (who also may or may not be related to the Fly Guys)  . . .

It’s like the Scream Mask on Steroids . . .

.  . . and Kira the Kitsune . . .

There’s a benefit to this type of narrative structure.  For one thing, the plot possibilities are endless.  (Consider how long shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and Scooby Doo managed to stay on air!)  Freaks-of-the-Week also enable episode plots to be self-contained.  This means that new and casual viewers can join the fandom at any time, without getting bogged down in the quagmire of complex series mythology.

The downside?  End-of-the-season payoffs on these type of shows tend to be much smaller, and the rewards for loyal viewers, who stuck by the show since episode 1, are less substantial.

But hey, it’s only been three episodes.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Perhaps, all of these seemingly disconnected episodes are about to tie together in some brilliant way we have yet to discover.  Maybe the entire season is taking place inside Stiles’ Brain Tumor!

On that note, let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, whose X-Men esque spectacular screencapping abilities, unique YouTube video-finding powers, magically delicious capacity for internet research relating to all things supernatural, and undeniably awesome propensity toward snarky commentary, have all clearly been brought on by his being born next to a Nemeton-Tree .  . . on a Hellmouth . . . surrounded by meteors.]

Making Mischief

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure this show had actual seasons.  But apparently, it’s almost Halloween!  YAY!”

It’s Mischief Night over in Beacon Hills and Scott and Stiles have just broken into the school to play a very kitsune-approved prank on everyone’s favorite teacher, Coach Crackhead . . .

Meanwhile, over at The Hospital Run Entirely By Scott’s Mom, a child-killing psychopath is being wheeled in for an emergency operation by, you guessed it, Papa La Douche McCall.   Seriously!  This guy is basically a magnet for mentally disturbed, murderous, and basically sh*tty people.  He brings them wherever he goes, like some Pied Piper of Evil.

“I’d like you to meet someone.  He murders kids who look just like our son, so I brought him to your hospital just for you.  You’re welcome!”

“And to think I had honest-to-goodness sexual intercourse with this person.”

Papa La Douche wags his eyebrows suggestively at his ex-wife, as he casually tells her that the man she will be feeling up with her stethoscope is an Electrician Turned Child Blower-Upper with shrapnel in his tummy, and basically no remorse for his bad deeds.

To her credit, Mama McCall maintains her composure, even as Mr. Bug-Eyed McCrazypants  totally invades her personal space and stares into her eyes like he wants to swallow her whole.  Bug-Eyed McCrazypants pretty much goads Mama McCall into asking him why blowing up tots is his favorite pastime, and he explains, quite tellingly, that “Their Eyes Were Glowing.”

“Sounds like your heart is two sizes too small.”

“Yeah . . . I can see that.”

Then, he goes all batsh*t, and practically bites Mama McCall’s face off  . . .

.  . . once again reminding the Mother of the Alpha that she totally should have taken the job at Seattle Grace / Grey’s Anatomy, where she could spend her days humping doctors who look like Jesse Williams in the on-call room  . . .

. . . instead of having to put up with this crap . . .

In other news . . .  glowing eyes, huh?  We know a few guys with glowing eyes on this show?  Don’t we?

“SH*T!”

Greenberg Strikes Again

It’s a Beautiful Day in Beacon Hills!  It’s Mischief Day!  It’s Coach Crackhead’s Birthday!  It’s . . . a Day of Forgiveness?

“We want to be series regulars part of your pack.”

Not so much on that last one . . .  as Scott and his Scooby Gang totally reject the not-so-much Alpha anymore Twins from joining their Pack . . .

And why shouldn’t they?  After all, the Twins are responsible for the death of Boyd . . . and Erica  . . . and their entire range of emotions can pretty much be summed up in two expressions: Growl . . .

. . . and Smirk . . .

These are NOT the kind of dudes you want in the foxhole with you, when you are battling Lizard People, Skeletor, Gorillas on Steroids, and Crotchety Old Men . . .

Besides, Scott doesn’t need lame-o Growlers and Smirkers in his pack!  He doesn’t need anybody!  He’s The Hottest Girl in School!

Wait . . . what?

Yeah, apparently, that’s Scott’s new nickname!

(I hear gender identity disorder is particularly common among werewolves.  Basically, this is what happens when your private parts are covered in fur, and you can’t always see them.)

Elsewhere in school, Coach Crackpot learns an important lesson:

A lesson that inadvertently led to our first “Greenberg” reference of the season  . . .

OK, I’m calling it right now.  Somewhere around season 7 or 8 of this show (if it lasts that long), Greenberg will be revealed as the Ultimate Uber- Big Bad of this show, and Coach Crackpot will be his first official victim . . .

(P.S. I like how, with all the bardo, and mental breakdowns and murder going on in Beacon Hills, Stiles and Scott still somehow find the time to pull elaborate pranks on their favorite Psycho Coach.  It’s kind of sweet, actually . . .)

By now, we all know that being a teacher in Beacon Hills is a pretty dangerous profession.  Of course, it’s not nearly as dangerous as being a medical professional in Beacon Hills . . .

Just ask This Guy  . . .

“Is there a doctor in the house, or just Scott McCall’s mom?”

. . . who learned the heard way that joking about “accidentally” killing your psycho patient on the operating table, while he’s not quite unconscious, is the easiest way to earn a first class ticket to your nearest Morgue.

“That joke about my dying was hilarious.  You should have gone to clown college, instead of medical school.  Maybe you still can .  .  . IN HELL!”

Ever see those weddings, where, SURPRISE, a flock of doves fly out of the wedding cake and probably poop in it on the way out and it’s supposed to be “Oh So Romantic.”  Well, this is kind of a variation on that . . .

(Andre had a great screencap of this up close.  But I just didn’t have the “stomach” to use it.  TOO GROSS!”

Seriously, they are coming up with new and inventive ways to off doctors every week on this show!  (Perhaps, Jeff Davis secretly flunked out of medical school, and this is his subtle way of exacting revenge.)

Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first time Teen Wolf has used insects as a tool of doctorly demise.  Remember THE MOTHS IN THE CAR?

Except, this time, if we want to get technical about things, Bug Tummy didn’t actually murder Doctor Snarky by making him choke on flies and/or crash his car.  He just killed him the old-fashioned way . . . with a deft hand and a scalpel . . .

See?  This is another problem with Freak-of-the-Week villains.  They croak before we ever get to really know them!  Bug Tummy is already dead (at least he is by the end of the episode), and I have so many unanswered questions about him.  Like . . .  why does he have bugs in his tummy?  Does he eat them?  Keep them as pets?  Did he just accidentally swallow them one night, while on one of his usual child-killing rampages?  How did he manage to stay awake under anesthesia?  How does he keep his model-thin figure?  Do bugs contain carbs?

The world may never know . . .

In other, seemingly unrelated news, that nifty box Derek and Peter Hale stole from the Mexican baddies contains .  . . wait for it . . . dirty nail clippings from Derek’s dead mom.

“Would it have killed her to add a little red polish?  Geez!”

Man, this show is gross . . .

Peter then wears the dirty nails, for reasons I still don’t quite understand, homoerotically stabs them into Derek’s backside . . .

. . .  and then Derek, sort of / kind of talks to his wolf mom in a dream / hallucination thingy?

“Worst . . . acid trip . . . ever!”

In which Beacon Hill’s School Security System Fails Yet Again

Bug Tummy steals an ambulance (the preferred method of escape for Beacon Hill baddies everywhere, like Zip Car for Evil People), and heads to . . . where else . . . the high school, of course!  In response to Bug Tummy’s presence, Lydia’s eardrums start being bombarded with incessant buzzing, which the Scooby Gang takes as a sign that they need to scour the school for Bug Tummy ASAP, before he murders everyone and Teen Wolf is forced to end prematurely without any Stydia sex scenes at all!  Oh the horror!

“Well, it was nice while it lasted . . . wasn’t it Lydia?  Looks like you’re the looney tune of your social circle, once again.”

At the school, despite being surrounded by hundreds of students, an entire troop of cops, and a pack of werewolves, Bug Tummy is able to (1) waltz in undetected . . .

.  . . (2) hang out calmly in coach’s office, while Lydia the Banshee, who supposedly senses his near-dead presence, and Aiden the Werewolf with his GLOWING EYES and superior sense of smell, make out inches away from Bug Tummy’s grossly bloody, rather malodorous-looking, body   .  . .

“There’s something different about this room.  But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

. . . (3) staple his stomach together (Well, at least now we know how he keeps his girlish figure.). . .

“Now, I’m the hottest girl!  Eat that, Scott McCall!”

. . . (4) stop off in the chemistry lab to casually mix a few chemicals, and draw painfully cheesy,  and completely unnecessary Sesame Street-like, clues about his motives on the chalk board (more on that later)

. . . (5) stalk Kira in the library a midst the chaos of a pulled fire alarm, and

. . . (6) escape without anybody ever laying eyes on him at all!

Now, that’s impressive!  So, impressive that I actually think Bug Tummy would make a great Alpha.  I mean, sure, he’s kind of socially awkward, makes weird, sometimes off-putting, facial expressions, has some issues with impulse control, and looks way too old to be a high school student.  But hey, the same could be said about Scott!

Stiles tries to get his dad and the rest of the cops to stick around school and search for Bug Tummy some more.  But Stiles’ dad isn’t biting.  As much as Papa Stilinski is sort of/kind of coming around to the idea that pretty much everything that happens in Beacon Hills is somehow supernaturally related, he’s still not quite ready to buy into the idea that the annoying scream of a pretty red headed teen will solve all his murder mysteries . . .

Parents can be so short-sighted sometimes . . .

With the adults out of the picture, the werewolves of Beacon Hills form their own search party, following their noses, just like Toucan Sam, into the school’s boiler room, in an attempt to literally sniff out evil.  Unfortunately, all these wolves seem to be able to smell is sex . . .

Then, Lydia figures out that getting all the school’s wolves into the boiler might actually have been Bug Tummy’s plan all along . . . to get all the Glowing Eyed kids into one place . . . and THEN BLOW THEM INTO SMITHEREENS!

So, Stiles, our hero .  . .

. . . thinking fast, decides to pull the fire alarm, in order to get all his classmates out of the building before they can be turned into rainbow sprinkles . . .

Bug Tummy’s plan is foiled!  The children have been saved!  All is right in the world!  And Stiles is filled with the spontaneous need to dance . . .

Really, it’s the dancing that gets him busted.  (Should have saved that for your bedroom, Stiles . . .)

As for Scott, while the school and all its wolfy and non-wolfy inhabitants are being silently terrorized, and the apocalypse is becoming increasingly imminent, our hero . . . plots his Master Plan to Save the World from Bug Tummy . . . keeps his pack safe, by shuffling them off to a secret hideaway, where Bug Tummy can’t rip out their Glowing Eyes, and insert them into his abdomen as food for the creatures he has living in it enjoys a sushi dinner?

Scott Gets a Little Culture . . .

I really like Kira’s house.  It’s uber modern, definitely Asian-inspired, has a real estate value of upwards of $2.5 million, and absolutely looks nothing like the cookie cutter, white bread, lower middle to upper middle class homes we’ve come to expect from the suburban neighborhood of Beacon Hills, CA . . .

. . .  which makes me wonder, just how much to teachers get paid to teach at Beacon Hills high.  Maybe they make a lot . . . simply because of the super high mortality rate.

Or perhaps, Kira’s mother is the big wage earner in this family.  After all, HE kept HER name.  And considering that she’s Japanese, and Kira’s dad is Korean, Kira’s kitsune traits are probably inherited from her mommy’s side of the family.

“I wear the foxy pants in this family.”

Hey, maybe she’s an “arms dealer,” like Allison’s dad!  He also seems way richer than a seemingly unemployed werewolf hunter should be  . . .

“It’s expensive to look like this much of a bad ass.”

Anywhoo, Scott tries to use chopsticks, accidentally inhales a mouth full of wasabi, and hilarity ensues, which basically has positively nothing to do with the ongoing plot . . .

“Here Scott, eat my fish.  You’ll like it!”

Elsewhere in Adorable Town . . .

Stiles and Lydia Figure it out . . . Again

Lydia and Stiles are lounging on Stiles bed, wrapping each other’s fingers in balls of red yarn (kinky?),  as they discuss the Stilinski Family Board of Shame . . .

. . .  and what Lydia believes to be her first failure in her short career as a Banshee.  Seeing Lydia experience self-doubt, and insecurity . . . seeing her doubt her powers, and feel guilty about getting Stiles in trouble at school, by convincing him to pull the fire alarm . . .

. . . shows just how far Lydia has gone as a character since Season 1. The Lydia we met back then  .  . . the proud, selfish, arrogant Lydia, who was concerned only with popularity and appearances, would never spend an evening geeking out in bed with Stiles, his yarn, and his detective theories.  She would never feel bad about getting someone else in trouble.   She would never question her own abilities and their consequences, or, for that matter admit to having those abilities and that intelligence at all . . .

I love watching Lydia and Stiles together, because (as clichéd as it is that they always come up with the answers seemingly out of the blue at the last minute),as characters, they definitely bring out the best in one another.  Stiles makes Lydia more humble, more caring, more willing to be her true self.  He helps her untie the red “unsolved” yarn from her fingertips, and makes her feel more “solved.”  More whole.

In turn, Lydia makes Stiles more confident, more mature, and more self- assured in his intelligence, and problem solving abilities . . .  she also reminds him how to read, and gently (without judgment) keeps him from going insane.

So, when Stiles tells Lydia he believes in her, despite her recent setback, I believe him . . . but kind of wonder where her parents are .   . . because, seriously, this girl never goes home.

Somehow, Lydia’s mere presence inspires Stiles to tramp back into school in the middle of the night, break into the chemistry lab . . . magically change into his “This is Only a Dream” Shirt for a split second . . .

http://colethewolf.tumblr.com/post/74036701586/colethewolf-i-dont-know-if-somebody-has

. . . and proceed to solve yet another “Freak of the Week” mystery, with his Lady Love Lydia by his side.

Yes, boys and girls, Engineer Bug Tummy, in addition to his bug cultivating skills and tendency toward invisibility, also apparently, is a master chemist, capable of masking his horrible scent, even to werewolves, as a result of his in-depth, knowledge of the periodic table that he just can’t help but share with the world, even if he is certain it will result in his inevitable capture / killing.

“Silly villain!”

Long story short, Stiles and Lydia find out that Bug Tummy wasn’t inside the school to capture werewolves at all . . . he was only interested in nerdy foxes with multiple tails and an impressive understanding of the concept of Bardo and eating with chopsticks  . .  . only interested in Kira . . .

Back at the Asian Inspired Dojo that is Kira’s Casa . . . .

Stiles and Kira eat pizza, and eye f*&k a bit.

“Should I be offended that you didn’t enjoy the taste of my fish?”

Then, Kira gets kidnapped, and Scott “You’re Going To Hear Me Roar Because I Am the True Alpha” McCall does nothing to stop it  . . . (though, in his defense, he’s sort of/ kind of unconscious at the time).

“If you won’t eat Kira’s fish, I will!”

With the help of Lydia’s big mouth (Ears be damned!) and Stiles’ encouragement . . .

The Scooby Gang finds Kira tied up in some electrical warehouse thingy, where Bug Tummy is seconds away from electrocuting her . . . just because.

P.S.  Bug Tummy is also going to take pictures of Kira while he electrocutes her, using her Nokia phone because. . .  you know . . . product placement.

Villains don’t like iPhones . . .

But Silly Bug Tummy  .  . . he messed with the wrong girl.  I mean, really, of all the girls you decide to electrocute you choose the one that has the kitsune-like ability to ABSORB ELECTRICITY!

“This is SOOO going to help me get laid . . .”

Not too smart, Bug Tummy.  Perhaps, you aren’t the Good Prospective Alpha I thought you would be . . .

And so you’ll die.  Goodbye, Bug Tummy!  May glowing eyed children angels carry you to your much-deserved rest  . . . IN HELL!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Allison and Isaac are in Allison’s house, busily studying the beastiary in hopes of locating something about  the now-obsolete villain of the week.  Isaac cleverly suggests he’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, i.e. The Devil . . . also the name of one of my favorite books from high school, coincidentally.

Then Isaac tries to kiss Allison.  And Allison, in order to show Isaac that she is Not That Kind of Girl, takes off her shirt for him . . . wait what?

“I am not the kind of girl who just makes out with her exes’ best friend /roommate /sort of adopted brother!  I have more class than that!  Get naked with him?  Sure.  F*&K him?  Absolutely.  But I will never ever kiss him!  Get that through your wolfy weiner, Isaac LAY-HEEEEE!”

Not amused . . .

Then Allison’s dad walks in, and wonders why his daughter insistently falls in love with canines, and kind find a nice human boy to hump in her bedroom, while her dad is downstairs, plotting the destruction of animal kind.

While Allison’s dad is hilariously scolding his daughter about her choice of suitors . . .

.  . . some weird samurai things are taunting Isaac in her bedroom?  Thus proving, once in for all, that having sex with Allison, or even thinking about having sex with Allison, is not without its consequences . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, everybody goes to a rave?

Nikki Minaj makes out with Stiles?

And a bunch of other bad stuff happens to our Scooby Gang . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

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And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

And we all know what happened to her . . .

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

“I want my doll!”

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

Or Kali . . .

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

“Busted.”

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

And another one down . . .

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!