Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

 

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

 

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

Simpler-minded . . .

Less complex . . .

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

 

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

 

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

 

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

 

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

 

“My queen!”

“My fist!”

Then again, maybe not . . .

 

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

 

 

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

 

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

 

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

 

 

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

 

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

 

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

 

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

 

 

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

 

 

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

 

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

 

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

 

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

Meet any new and interesting people?

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

“Sup, girl?”

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?“

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.“

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

Are You Ready to Rumble? – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3A Finale “Lunar Ellipse”

When I was little, my dad used to love watching WWF Wrestling.  I never got the appeal, personally.  The fat ugly guys dressed in weird costumes . . . the fake fights . . . the ridiculously badly written skits the various fighters would be forced to act out prior to each match . . . the fact that every match began with a pre-ordained Designated Loser, thereby taking all the intrigue and guesswork out of the entire viewing experience.

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One thing I did enjoy about WWF Wrestling was the announcer . . . and how, before every match, he’d say in this booming voice, “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE,” always carrying out the last syllable of the word “rumble” for as long as humanly possible.

Now, that guy was awesome!  In fact, I spent a good portion of my childhood, trying to be That Guy.  So much so, that I’d been known to run around my house repeating those words, ad nauseam.  “Are you ready to rumblllle?  Are you ready to rummblllllleee?  Are you ready to rumbllllllle?”

In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I was kind of an annoying kid . . .

In WWF Wrestling, every once in a while, they’d have these events called Cage Matches, where pretty much the entire cast . . . Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Designated Losers . . . would get thrown into the ring at the same time.  Sometimes a few of the fighters would form alliances with one another . . . good guys versus bad . . . plotting, strategizing, taking turns at fighting, so as not to tire themselves out.

But most of the time they all just beat the crap out of one another, with no rhyme or reason at all . . .

“Lunar Ellipse” kind of reminded me of one of those Cage Matches.

In a season that contained more villains than any one preceding it, this week’s finale had the unenviable task of deciding what to do with them all.   Putting them in the same room, and letting them beat the crap out of one another, must have seemed like the most logical solution . . .

This is not to say it was a bad episode.  It wasn’t . . . at all.  “Lunar Ellipse” offered a ton of action, some solid fight scenes, and a neat little conclusion, which, while providing the kind of closure fans need going into a four-month hiatus, also paved the way for some intriguing future story lines.  I just suspect that the episode appealed a lot more to people who are fans of say . . . WWF Wrestling, than fans like me . . . who spent half the length of her last recap dissecting a 15-second long kiss between Stiles and Lydia . . . which this episode never mentioned, by the way.  It was almost as if it never happened  . . .

[Of course, I must thank my good pal Andre for working tirelessly each week to provide me, and the five people who read this, a collection of some of the best Teen Wolf screencaps you’ll find on the internet.  And I can say that, without being conceited, because I have no hand in their creation, whatsoever. You rock, Andre.  And I’d totally want you at my side, if I ever found myself in a cage match . .  .]

And so, without further adieu, “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEE!”

The Wet Nap

When we last left our heroes, Stiles, Scott and Allison had decided to cope with the prospective loss of their parental units by taking baths.

This, coincidentally, is the solution Trusty Veterinarian Deaton suggests for all all major problems on this show.  It’s his deus ex bath-shina.  Then again, maybe he’s just really into hygiene.

When the episode opens, the threesome awaken, surprised to find that their bathtubs have been moved to some random empty office building with a big ole tree stump in the center.  Basically, this whole scene can serve as a PSA for the dangers of smoking too much weed, before taking your deus ex bath-shina.

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Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself.

Stiles, Scott and Allison each touch the tree, triggering their memories of the time they first encountered it, which, coincidentally, happened to all three of them on the same night.

Of course, I’m referring to the night from the pilot episode.  You know, the one where Scott and Stiles went out into the woods in search of a dead body, the night before the first day of school.  Then, Scott ended up getting bitten by Werewolf Peter Hale AND almost hit by a car driven by Allison Argent’s mom.

“Remember me?”

“Why do I look significantly older than everyone else?  Oh yeah . . . because my scene wasn’t shot three years ago.”

“I love you Allisssssssssoooooooooon!”

You all recall seeing a big fat tree stump in that scene, don’t you?

“Remember tree?”

No?  Well, that, my friends, is what we in The Biz ” (I’m not really in The Biz.  Being in The Biz would require me to actually get paid for doing this.) call RET-CON.

(I do, however, remember Scott almost getting hit by a car. And I’m intrigued by the notion that Davis always planned to have the Argents play the role of Hit-and-Runners.  If so, that was some pretty crafty story boarding on his part.  If not . . .)

Upon waking up back in Deaton’s office, the kids learn they’ve been snoozing in their bathtubs for SIXTEEN HOURS!  SIXTEEN HOURS . . . that’s almost an entire day!  I thought they’d be more, you know, brain dead, from lack of oxygen . . . or at least a little pruney.

Before . . .

After . . .

Actually, the whole “out for 16 hours” conceit really seems like nothing more than a plot-manufactured time jump to get us closer to the time when the Lunar Eclipse is meant to occur.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the way the Surrogate  Sacrifices concept was portrayed in the last few moments of Alpha Pact, and the opening moments of this episode.  It was poignant, visually appealing, and compellingly morbid.  I adored how each hero carried a totem of his or her parent into the water, and how Stiles, Allison and Scott each literally put their lives in the hands of someone they cared about.  It was all very Inception-esque. . . in a good way.

But there was one teensy tiny problem with this whole design .  . . THERE WERE NO ACTUAL SACRIFICES!!!!

By temporarily suiciding themselves in bathtubs, Stiles, Scott and Allison did not, as was initially suggested, free their parents from the Darach’s clutches.  Instead, it just made them into Human GPS’s for a big ole’ tree stump that, honesty, didn’t look all that hard to find in the first place.

And since I’m nitpicking, what exactly did Isaac, Deaton and Lydia do for those sixteen hours, while their friends were “dead?”  Sleep?  Pray?  Marathon the entire first two seasons of Teen Wolf?  (Without commercials, of course.)

I’m just saying there were probably at least one or two more efficient ways the Scooby Gang could have spent their time, during the last sixteen hours before the Druid Apocalypse, than Bath Time with Rubber Duckie . . .

“Couldn’t you have put an alarm clock in there or something?”

Also sleeping on the job, since last week?  Der Bear.

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We find him in his loft, being lovingly coddled by a no-longer-spewing-black-goo Cora.  Meanwhile, Peter Hale screams at him to hurry up and actually do something heroic, and/or run and hide under a table from that wacky lady with foot fungus, who seems intent on murdering them all . . . whichever he prefers . . .

Hiding under the table is looking like a more attractive option, by the minute . . .

Breaking and Entering

Back at the Vet’s office, Ethan . . .

. . . pops by to see Lydia.  And I’m wondering how he knew she was there.  Is her scent so strong that it could be tracked after sixteen hours?  That’s a LOT of perfume . . .

DEATON: “Why is he here?  I thought you were dating the other one?”

LYDIA: “Beats me.  I’ve been screwing the guy for months, and I still can’t tell the two of them apart.”

Perhaps, he popped by her mom’s house, and asked if the red-headed teen could come out to play.  Then, Mama Martin replied, “I’m sorry Sexy Teen.  Lydia isn’t home.  In fact, she hasn’t been home for over 24 hours.  Last I checked, she went to visit that creepy veterinarian at his office, after hours.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if I should be concerned for her well-being.  Probably not.  I mean I did her hair this morning, and she looked so cute.  Girls with cute hair NEVER get murdered by creepy veterinarians who have no friends their own age, right?”

Lydia and Ethan head to Chez Derek to confirm for him, what he pretty much already knows . . . that Kali Toe Jam is coming to his house to kill him.

So, now would be a good time to run screaming like a little girl.  Lydia helpfully notes using her Banshee-Spidey Senses that she feels like she’s standing on a graveyard, which the Hales immediately take to mean that if Derek stays at home he’ll die there.  But, I don’t know . . . didn’t Boyd die in Derek’s house?

Back in “Scott-Land,” McCall and Co. are skipping around to their various homes, so that the wolf can smell Allison’s and Stiles’ dad’s personal items, and “follow his nose” to the Darach’s lair.

“Don’t worry Stiles.  I won’t mistake your underwear for your dad’s.  I’ve sniffed your boxers before.  They have a very distinct scent . . . particularly after lacrosse practice.”

Wait . . . what?  Don’t they know where the parents are already?  Isn’t that what the 16-hour wet dream was for?  Is there a plot specific purpose for Scott’s inexplicable desire to sniff Chris Argent’s boxers?

Oh . . . now I get it . . . they had to run back to Allison’s house, so that they could have a run-in with This Guy . . .

. . . a.k.a. FBI Douche . . . a.k.a. Scott’s Dad . . .

ALLISON: “Is that what you are going to look like in 25 years?  Because I could live with that.”

ISAAC: “Me too.  He’s kind of a DILF.”

How did he get in?  I hope he has a warrant.  Nevermind.  This is Beacon Hills we are talking about here.  The only laws that matter here, are the Laws of the Jungle .  . .

Jungle Boogie

How many Alpha Males do you know that let girls fight their battles for them?

So, Derek goes to hide under a rock somewhere, leaving Lydia and Ethan to house sit for him.  (You know, because he has so much expensive furniture for people to steal.)

“I’ll slay you with my snide comments about your poor personal hygiene, and uninspired fashion sense.”

A few seconds later, that car alarm Derek installed in his wall, goes off, and in comes Kali Feet-for-Brains . . .

“Bored now . . .”

. . . along with Aiden . . .

Aiden starts off fighting at Kali’s side.  But his alliance shifts quickly when Kali starts talking smack on his showmance girlfriend Lydia.  Do I smell a Character Rehabilitation?

“Smells like Jackson’s replacement.”

Something is missing from this little party.  What can it be?  Oh, wait, I know . . . an Evil Druid in tight leather pants!

That’s better.  Now, we can REALLY have some fun . . .

Cue the 80’s Video Game Theme Music.  It’s time for a Girl Fight!

Now, as much as I usually snooze through extended battle scenes, I have to say, this one is pretty awesome.  There is something elegant, and almost graceful about the well choreographed way Jenny the Darach and Kali attempt to kick one another’s asses.

“Let’s put our heads together and strategize.”

“Not so fast, Siamese Lunkhead Twins.”

(I guess they should have merged by Aiden fisting Ethan, like they did last time . . . These guys brains are clearly not their strongest organs.)

And then, all of the sudden, they stop fighting, and the music gets all cheesy and romantic.  Jenny is talking about how much prettier she is, now that she has her Magic Coochie, and doesn’t have to look like Lord Voldemort 24-7.  Then she starts levitating, while Kali gazes at her lovingly.  And I’m thinking, if this were another show, these two chicks would make for some really hot lesbians . . .

Then, Jenny throws some glass from the ceiling in Kali’s face, and she dies instantly.

Wait . . . WHAT?  Did I miss something?

Please tell me that Jenny Darach didn’t murder virgins, soldiers, philosophers, and countless birds, just so that she’d have enough strength to shove a one-inch thick shard in someone’s face.

Should have worn these . . .  could have saved her life.

I’ve seen carpenter ants that are harder to kill than Kali .   . .

Anyway, nice knowing ya, Wolf Girl.  I hope they find a coffin for you that’s large enough to fit your massively long toe nails . . .

Worry not, Lydia.  It’s Shrek to the rescue!

. . . or . . . maybe not.

You know that old adage about always wearing clean underwear, so that, if you die, you don’t have to be embarrassed about the state of your skivvies?  Well, I’m pretty sure the same goes for wearing YOUR OWN PAIR OF PANTS . . .

Sensitive chick that she is, Jenny Darach tries to cheer up a bereft Lydia, by quoting, the always Hilarious Coach Crackhead . . .

“The bigger they are . . . the harder they fall the bigger they are . . . indeed.

Where there’s smoke, there’s a screamer.

Boys and their toys .  . .

Allison cleverly uses her impressive knowledge of advanced artillery to mesmerize Scott’s dad, before gassing him with a grenade, and using the diversion she created to escape with her harem of wolf men . . .

“And this weapon is what I like to call a Big Ole Can of Whoop Ass.”

Elsewhere in town, an abnormally thick fog causes Stiles to get into a car accident, and Lydia screams . . . though the two events aren’t necessarily related.

Derek hears Lydia scream, and decides to return to town, which kind of seems counter intuitive to me.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Derek running away like a little wussy, BECAUSE Lydia sensed death?

And since she’s a banshee, isn’t Lydia’s scream supposed to signify that someone’s death is imminent . . . someone like Derek?

Do they not teach logic in Werewolf School?

View to a Death

All over Beacon Hills, heroes and villains are preparing for their battle royale.  Allison and Isaac FINALLY find that damn root cellar, where all the parents are being held . .  .

Scott reluctantly agrees to join forces with Deucalion against the Darach.

Derek inexplicably links himself with Jenny once again.  (That must be one SERIOUSLY POWERFUL Magic Coochie.)

And Stiles . . . Stiles?  Bueller?

Back in La Casa de Ineffective Alpha, Cora and Lydia watch Shrek morph back into two teenage boys, each with their own pair of pants.

“These two are so much more likeable when they are unconscious.”

They decide to bring the pair to Vet Deaton.  Maybe he’ll make them take a bath, like he does with everyone else . . .

And then, because this episode hasn’t satisfied its product placement quote, Scott sends the Evil Darach a message on her Android phone . . . you know, because villains use Androids and heroes use iPhones, just saying . . .

“Is he for real with this sh*t?”

Who’s Your Alpha?

It’s fitting that the final Cage Match between all our characters occurs right under the revenge sign Ennis made, back in “Visionary.”  The Same Vengeance Sign that led to Gerard blinding Deucalion, which led to Deucalion creating his Alpha Pack, which led to his Alpha Pack killing their emissaries, which led to Kali not-quite killing Julia Baccaria / Jennifer Blake.   This was the Vengeance Sign that started everything.  And it would be a great place for everything to end, except for the fact that Scott and Derek are both under the delusion that being a “Good Guy” means having to be a “Doofus.”   But we’ll get to that soon enough . . .

Anyway, our chance to see Death -Destroyer-of-Worlds Deucalion’s Alpha Form has finally arrived.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

Interesting . . . he’s kind of like a cross between an Evil Cyborg . . .

.  . . and a Smurf.

Or, maybe like a blue version of Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask.

Sure, Peter’s Gorilla-Alpha, and Jackson’s Kanaima were scarier.  But Demon Wolf gets points for making a fashion statement.  Blue is, after all, the new black.  Smurf-Borg does to a pretty good job of kicking Jenny the Darach’s ass . . . at least until Scott creates a familiar diversion . . .

Annnnnnnd then comes the Lunar Eclipse.

Welcome back, Lord Voldemortette.  We’ve missed you!

“Wait . . . let’s talk about this Jenny the Darach.  Before you kill Deucalion, don’t you want him to see how ugly you look in the morning without your makeup on,” Derek offers hopefully.

Come on, Jenny.  You’ve been a fairly intelligent villain up until now.  You aren’t going to fall for this one, are you?

But she does!  Perhaps, the Lunar Eclipse not only deprives werewolves of their powers, it also makes television characters into morons.  Knowing that she only has 15 minutes to kill the guy she’s been waiting eagerly to kill since 2002, Jenny the Darach suddenly decides that it’s more important to (1) fix his eyesight, so that he can WATCH her kill him, and (2) play pattycake with Derek!

Villains the world over, are hanging their heads in shame . . .

I like how the writers analogized Derek’s endurance of his Stage-Five-Clinger Girlfriend’s ineffective punches to his human form, to Derek’s endurance of his errant werewolf children’s scratches, back when they went all rabid batty, early on in the season . . .

Then, the Lunar Eclipse is over, and everyone’s back to Werewolf Cage Fighting . . . except for Jenny, who has a meme to share with all of you.

“I know you like cages, so I put a cage in your cage,” she says.

And I bet you’ll never guess what that cage is made out of?  That’s right!

This annoying ass brown dirt is fast becoming a lead character on this show.  It’s the deus ex dirtshina.

Now, Scott is miming again.  Get it?  He’s the man outside the box.  We’ve been here before . . .

Jenny calmly tells him he should probably be thinking more about saving the parents, who are stuck underground in an avalanche, than putting on a show.  But Scott will not be deterred from his performance.  Besides, he knows that, as per usual, “his pack” will do all the dirty work of saving lives, while he pops bubbles with his mind  . . .

That’s right.  It’s Stiles . . . in the root cellar .  . . with his trusty bat.  How’s that for an answer in the game of Clue.

(P.S. I’m so glad he didn’t die in that car accident.  I hope the massive head injuries he suffered from his airbag not deploying have no long-term impact.)

Speaking of not-dead, Deaton puts gas masks on the Alpha Twins, and they magically come back to life.  You know, because gas masks heal broken necks all the time!

I’m teasing Mr. D.  In all seriousness, I’m proud of the guy.  At least he didn’t throw the twins in an ice bath, this time . . .

Back in the Cage Fight, “True Alpha” Scott finally pops that pesky bubble.

And Deucalion easily dispenses with Jenny Darach, by gently nipping at her neck with his nails.  That’s embarrassing . . .

Surely, Scott and Derek are going to kill the Son of a B*tch now aren’t they?

NO?  NOOOOO??? They are going to let the guy live, because they heard that one time, back in 2002, for a few days, he was a nice guy?

“I’m a moron.”

HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF AT LEAST THREE PACKS OF WOLVES!!!!! AND THOSE ARE THE ONES WE KNOW ABOUT!  HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE SCOTT AND DEREK TO KILL EVERYONE THEY CARE ABOUT, AND VERY NEARLY SUCCEEDED.  AND THEY ARE JUST GOING TO LET HIM GO?  JUST BECAUSE?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

“See ya in Season 3B, SUCKERS!”

I’m kind of relieved this season is over.   This show increases my blood pressure . . .

Back at the Argent house, Allison has chosen a new credo for the Werewolf Hunters, “We help those who can’t help themselves.”

Nice right?  Except, the old credo: “Only kill werewolves that murder innocent humans,” was pretty nice too.  The problem was that NOBODY FOLLOWED THE CREDO, EXCEPT CHRIS ARGENT.

Here’s hoping the Argent’s improve their reading comprehension in Season 3B . . .

At school, everything seems to have gone back to normal, except everyone seems to have coupled off.  And Scott and Stiles have to pretend they don’t care that they are the only two people out of their entire group of friends, who aren’t getting laid . . .

Also, Derek left town with Cora .  . . a major plot development that will probably last until about 10 minutes into Season 3B.

. . . which brings us to our final scene, and it’s flashback . . . to about ten minutes ago in the episode.

Jenny Darach is ALLLLIIIIIIIIVE!  She’s crawling to her precious Nemeton . . . hoping it will save her a second time.

But Magic Tree is having NONE of Magic Coochie.  Not when she had this great chance at World Domination and blew it so royally.   Nahh, Nemeton is going to grant its power to a WINNER this time around.  A winner like THIS GUY . . .

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And that’s all she wrote folks.  Thanks for sharing Teen Wolf with me this summer.  It’s truly been a blast.  See you January 6th!

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Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

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Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

“sacrifice”

“sucking face”

“Scott’s Dad” (Surprise!)

And, of course, “Stiles” . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to stellar screencapper Andre, who has never once tried to drown me while I was submerged in an ice bath, no matter how many times his sage veterinarian told him to do so . . .]

Rude Awakening

“My new alarm clock is very aggressive.”

We begin the episode with Stiles b*tch slapping the crap out of Derek, while straddling him in the middle of an otherwise abandoned elevator . .  . or as Sterek fans like to call it . . . “foreplay.”

“Doing this isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?”

Derek wakes up just seconds before Stiles can punch him in the face . . .

 . . . which is weird, because punching people in the face is usually what you do when you want them to pass out, not wake up.  Of course, after Stiles breaks the news to Derek that his psycho girlfriend made off with his friends’ parents, Cora’s still dying, and Scott may have just decided to join Team Evil, the D-list Alpha wolf is probably wishing he had hit the snooze alarm a few more hundred times . . .

Cheer up, Der Bear!  It’s not so bad!  At least you got to get your arm fondled by Stiles in an enclosed space . . .

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Outside the hospital, the mere sight of Allison and Chris Argent, a.k.a. the folks whose aunt / sister he killed, back when he was the Big Bad Gorilla-Looking Thing, make this little Piggy, Peter Hale, cry “wee wee wee wee wee,” all the way back to Derek’s loft.

“Oh hey, look, it’s Allison and Chris Argent!  Yoo-hoo, Argents!  Come meet my new pal, Peter!”

“Peter? Maybe he had to pee . . .”

If the cast of Teen Wolf were ever sorted into Hogwarts houses, Peter would totally be  the Slytherin, to Scott’s, Allison’s, and Derek’s Gryffindor, Isaac’s Hufflepuff (He IS a really good “finder.”), and Stiles’ and Lydia’s Ravenclaw.  When he’s not pumped up on Epinephrine, posing as a teen in Lydia’s hallucinations, or dressed in a gorilla suit, Peter’s a total wussy.  And I love that about him.  It’s all very Draco Malfoy . . .

Sometimes bravery in the face of total and complete danger is akin to stupidity.  And  say what you will about Peter Hale.  But the dude is definitely not stupid . . . which is more than we can say for some other “braver” characters on this show .  . .

Speaking of Scott . . .

The Bad Dad

After waking up from his little Elevator Nap, Derek rushes to retrieve Dying Cora, so he can bring her back to his loft.  In doing so, he inadvertently abandons Stiles, who, in turn, gets to hang out in the hospital waiting room, looking broodier and sexier than we’ve seen him look in quite some time . . .

Misery looks good on you, Sweetie.

It’s there that the unofficial Alpha of Team Human runs into This Guy . . .

We find out This Guy’s true identity soon enough.  (Hint: See the title of this section.)  However, since, at this point in the story, who he is has yet to be revealed, I’m simply going to refer to him as . . . FBI Douche.

As an American viewer, I am comforted to know that if my hometown sprouted a serial killer every few months,  by the 23rd or 24th death in under a year, my government would finally care enough to send its very best douche to investigate.  That’s your proud tax dollars at work, Wolfbangers!

As with most federal law enforcement guys in film and television, FBI Douche seems like he has an axe to grind with our heroes, a personal vendetta that may or may not take precedence over the case that he’s trying to solve.  Case-in-point, when the Sheriff of a town with a Dead Cop Problem, mysteriously goes missing, FBI Douche’s first instinct is to badger the guy’s teenage son about his dad’s alcohol consumption habits.

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FBI Douche isn’t totally useless, however.  He does reveal a heretofore unrecognized talent of our current lady killer . . .

Apparently, in addition to having a Magic Coochie, being capable of performing (and un-performing) plastic surgery on her face just by turning head from side to side . . .

 . . . forcing people to chant in Druid against their will, and causing them to experience intense hallucinations, Jenny the Darach is also a master graffiti artist . . .

Who knew?

Speaking of females with odd talents, let’s talk about Cora Hale, or, as I like to call her, The Girl Who Spewed Too Much . . .

The Lone(ly) Wolf

“I hate puking up black goo all the time, but it sure makes for a rocking shade of lipstick.”

Derek’s chilling in the loft with his girl Cora.  I mean, sure, he’s pretty much just letting her die, and ignoring the fact that she needs obvious medical attention.  But hey, at least he changed her out of that unflattering hospital gown, and dressed her in sexy army fatigues.  Because, really, who wants to die while wearing blue plastic?

Unfortunately for Derek, his beta boo, Isaac, doesn’t agree with me about the importance of being “fashionably dead.”  He believes Derek should do penance for his brief (and ridiculous) communion with the Evil Magic Coochie .  . .

“This porn is AWESOME.”

 . . . and like . . . actually try and save people and stuff . . .

“You are way too hot to suck this bad as a half- human being.”

For me, the most interesting part of the scene is when Isaac asks Derek why he bothered to turn him, Boyd and Erika, in the first place, especially since, at least on the surface, he never seemed to have any interest at all in leading them, or even protecting them .  . .

It’s pretty gut wrenching when Isaac accuses Derek of turning  three innocent teens into supernatural monster killers, just because the latter wanted to have friends; and Derek doesn’t immediately disagree with his pack member’s assessment.

The accusation begins to sound even worse, when you consider the fact that, had Derek not turned Boyd and Erika into werewolves, last season, they’d probably both be alive today .  . .

When Isaac storms off to be with his new love interests, Allison and Scott  (Can you say, “threesome”?) . . .

Sassy Peter magically appears to comfort his nephew.

“Don’t feel bad, DerBear.  Isaac isn’t abandoning you because you are a sucky leader.  He’s abandoning you because he’s bored of humping you, and wants to hump Scott and Allison.  The fact that you are a sucky leader is just an added bonus!”

Good Ole Uncle Pete . . . always managing to look on the bright side of life.

Peter also intimates that Derek can save Cora, by using his Alpha power to transfer her pain on to him.  But doing so could render Derek un-Alphaed, or worse dead.  Peter cleverly tries to reverse psychology his not too bright nephew into doing this, by telling him how much he shouldn’t do it, and how, by doing it, he would be playing right into Jennifer’s Darach-y hands.

Basically, Peter is using the old “Red Button Trick.”  You know, the one where someone tells you:  “Don’t push the red button.  It’s SOOOO COOL to push it, but totally dangerous.  So, whatever you do . . . don’t push it.  No matter how much you really, really want to . . . or that it’s the only thing you can think about right now . . . or that it seems to be your life’s mission to push that red button.  Just don’t push it.  PUSH THE RED BUTTON!    PUSH IT GOOD!  PUSH. . .  THE . . . BUTTON.  The red button is SEX.  Don’t push the red button.  Do you hear me?”

Some have speculated, based on this scene alone, that taking the Alpha status back from Derek may have been Peter’s design all along . . .the reason he’s been “hanging out” with the Scoobies, all this time.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that it was Peter and not Jenny the Darach, who poisoned Cora, for this exact reason.  I wouldn’t put it past him . . .

In other spunky relative news . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

Papa Argent attempts to reassure his daughter and Stiles, that he won’t end up tied to a big ole tree like some other parents on this show, because he has a big . . . “gun.”

Though he doesn’t want to be rude to his friend’s dad, Stiles is unimpressed and particularly comforted by this, basically because Stiles, himself, also has a big “gun” . . .

And if Stiles has a big “gun,” there’s a good chance Sheriff Stilinski has one as well.  I mean, he’s the Sheriff, right?  What’s a Sheriff, without his big “gun?”

And he still ended up tied to a tree by a girl  . . .

As for Isaac, he KNOWS the size of his gun, is no match for the Argents or the Stilinskis.  But he’s got other assets to offer the ladies (and men).  For instance, he’s REALLY good with his hands . . .

While Stiles heads back to school to retrieve his Dead Body version of a Metal Detector, Lydia Martin, Isaac and Allison accompany Papa Argent to the vault, where he surprises the two kids by electrocuting them, and handcuffing them to a wall, respectively.

It turns out, Papa Argent isn’t planning on using his big gun on Jenny the Darach at all.  He’s planning to join the Parents-Tied-to-a-Tree-Party!

“I make bad decisions.”

“That’s OK.  I find incompetence a major turn-on.  It’s why I dated Derek for three episodes.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure how exactly Papa Argent thinks he’s going to save Beacon Hills, without the use of his “Big Gun,” or his “Dexterous Hands.”  But I’d really, really like to see him try .  . .

ISAAC: “Would it be inappropriate for me to make out with you, right after you just found out your dad is probably going to die?”

ALLISON: “A little . . . yeah.”

ISAAC: “Can I still fondle your boobs?”

ALLISON: “That would be nice.  Thanks.”

That’s right, Werebangers.  Strife brings people closer.  It reminds us that our time on Earth is limit.  It lowers our inhibitions, and forces us to seize the moment.  Which brings me to . . .

Leave Me Breathless

This sweet mother/daughter moment between Lydia, and the-mom-who-didn’t-seem-to-notice-that-her-daughter-had-a-different-strange-guy-in-her-bed-every-night-this-summer . . .

. . . is brought to you by Tampax Tampons . . .

All kidding aside, I enjoyed this quiet, subtle scene.  Not only does it offer a nice bonding moment between two characters who we rarely get to see interact with one another.  It also illustrates just how far Lydia has come as a character since Season 1.

This once shallow, vain, girl, who hid her intelligence, because she thought it would make her less popular . . . who was ashamed by her connection to the dead . . . who would never be caught dead without makeup on, is now displaying the neck scars she received last week from Jenny the Darach proudly, because their existence makes her a Survivor.

You GO GIRL!

So, of course, a new, wise and mature, Lydia needs a new, wise and mature boyfriend, am I right, ladies?

Upon receiving an update on the first twenty minutes of the show from Stiles, Lydia decides that Jenny the Darach might have had some other reason for trying to murder her, apart from her being a banshee.  So, the pair inexplicably head off to school, to talk to Aiden?

Unfortunately, before they can do this, Stiles gets a text message from Isaac that Papa Argent is missing.  And that Jenny from the Block of Druids now has not one, not two, but THREE parents in her murder collection.

Oh, hello, Stiles’ Panic Attacks!  Long time, no see . . .

Lydia pulls the hyperventilating Stiles into the skanky boys locker room, in hopes that the stink of male teenage sweat will stop Stiles from breathing in through his nose so much . . . but to no avail . . .

“It smells like feet in here.  And I wanna die!”

Next Lydia tries the old “Think Happy Thoughts” cure.  After all, it worked for those kids in Peter Pan.  It made them fly!

“Happy Thoughts?”

Unfortunately, for Stiles, his “Happy Thoughts” involve his good relationship with his dad . . . who is about to be killed . . . the girl who was going to get him laid . . . who is ALREADY DEAD . . . and his best friend . . . who just gave his soul to some guy called The Demon Wolf.

Fortunately for Lydia, Stiles has one happy thought left in his bank, that has yet to be marred by Jenny the Darach . . .

(Werebangers, if the Play button on the below video looks a little funny, it’s because I wore it out by pressing it 85,000 times this week . . .)

Let’s over-analyze this scene, shall we?

Let’s start with Lydia . . . there are two possible ways to read her reaction to this moment.  The first is by taking her at her word.  She read somewhere that holding one’s breath stops a panic attack.  And so, in a moment of impulse, she covers Stiles’ mouth with hers, forcing him to involuntarily hold his breath . . .

But there’s something about the intense, dare I say, loving way that Lydia looks at Stiles, right before she pulls him in for the kiss that makes me think her explanation of her actions is less than truthful . . .

(All the Stydia kiss pics in this section have been brought to you by This Awesome Tumblr)

A clinical “hold your breath” kiss would have involved a brusque and cursory pressing of Lydia’s mouth against Stiles.  But Lydia kisses Stiles slowly, caressing the sides of his face, and tilting his head upward, as she makes the connection.  When Stiles does begin to hold his breath, she doesn’t stop kissing him.  Instead, she deepens the kiss, pressing her lips against his even more intensely . . .

When Lydia finally pulls away from Stiles, she seems entranced by what just happened.  Upon coming to her senses, Lydia appears almost reluctant to break the connection that they shared.

Oh yeah!  She was definitely into it!

When Lydia gives her explanation to Stiles of what just happened, the usually confident girl seems oddly timid and uncertain, like a girl who just realized she’s developed a crush on a boy she never really noticed in that way before.  She licks her lips, a clear cut sign of attraction . . . and also, coincidentally, a telltale sign that someone is telling a lie . . .

Stiles reaction during and after the kiss is a bit more clear cut.  At first, he’s surprised . . . (after all, the kid did feel pretty much on the verge of death, about two seconds earlier) . . .

Then he’s aroused.  I mean, here is the girl he’s been dreaming about kissing since kindergarten . . . the girl he recently accepted that he could never have, finally kissing him . . . REALLY kissing him.  And, what’s better, she seems to be just as into it, as he is . . .

After it’s all over, Stiles is in awe, of this beautiful, smart, strong woman, who pretty much just saved his life.  And maybe, just maybe, he’s a smidge disappointed that her explanation of the kiss was more clinical than his interpretation of it.  But that doesn’t make what she did for him any less awesome . . .

But when Lydia jokes that Stiles should go get some help for his panic attacks from the school guidance counselor, Stiles gets an idea . . .

And it’s right back to business as usual again for our resident Mulder and Scully . . . (sigh)

Seeing the Forest Through the Obsessive Compulsive Drawings of Trees

“Hello, Teen Wolf Contest Winner, who has now gotten speaking lines in not one, not two, but THREE episodes, and is prominently featured in the MTV Teen Wolf after show!”

Seriously, I thought “Danielle” attended private school with the Dead Chick who almost screwed Stiles.  Why is she seeing the Beacon Hills Guidance Counselor?

Anywhoo, Special Guest Star brings the funny, when she quickly cedes her therapy session with the Missing Ms. Morrell to Stiles and Lydia, upon learning from Lydia’s files that she’s a freak of nature who obsessively draws creepy looking trees all over all her notebooks, rather than ever doing any actual school work . . .

And yet she still gets straight A’s!  Now that’s impressive!

That’s when Stiles figures out that what Lydia is actually drawing is the Nemeton, i.e. the root cellar where all the TV parents are now being kept . . . i.e. the place where Derek killed Paige.

In other words, Jenny the Darach didn’t try to kill Lydia, because she’s a banshee.  She tried to kill her because she saw her drawing the one key piece of information that, if exposed, could cause all of the Darach’s plans to go up in smoke . . .

So, Stiles sends Lydia off to give Derek this important information, while he heads off to distract FBI Douche.

Awkward Encounters

That’s right, FBI Douche.  Stiles’ dad is missing.  And all his friends didn’t show up at school today.  So, you should totally let him go off with the strange gentleman, who is creepily lurking around the school, at the exact moment when this clearly fragile teenage boy needs a place to stay . . .

“I like emotionally fragile teenage boys!”

Well, FBI Douche.  The good news is that no one would ever accuse you of being a good guardian.  That means you are totally safe from Jenny the Darach . . .

“Season 3B, here I come!”

Deaton has an idea as to how the Scooby Gang might be able to save their parents.  But, surprise, surprise.  They are going to need Scott for help.

Meanwhile, downtown . . .

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Peter was hoping he wouldn’t run into Lydia again, until he found a Hallmark card to send her that says, “Sorry I mind controlled you into trying to kill all your friends, and then pretended to be a teenager, so you’d make out with my grimy corpse.”

As instructed, Lydia tells Derek and Peter about the root cellar.  Unfortunately, thanks to a nice little neck rub they got from Mommy Dearest, Talia, both werewolves have conveniently forgotten its location  . . .

Hale Fail #247 . . .

Over in a forest somewhere . . .

Mountain ASSSSSHHHHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo

If I had one gripe about this otherwise pretty flawless episode it would involve this scene . . . you know, the one where Scott has supposedly made the hugely dangerous decision to join Deucalion’s Alpha Pack, in order to save his mom . . .

“I’m a bad guy now . . .”

 . . . and that Big Sacrifice seems to mainly involve standing around in a forest with the villains for a few minutes, while they fail to kill Mrs. Morell.  And then going right back to Deaton and his Scooby Gang . . .

You were fun, while you lasted, Random Plot Twist!

But hey, at least now Kali, and the Alphas know that Deucalion was the one who actually killed Ennis!  That ought to . . . have no impact on the plot, whatsoever . . .

“But I was such a good artist!”

The Circle of Life . . . and Death

There’s this old movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the old grandpa believes, for some reason, that the World’s problems can be solved, by merely spraying some Windex on them . . .

I feel like that’s how Deaton feels about ice baths . . . Isaac lost his memory?

Try an ice bath!  Stiles’, Scott’s, and Allison’s parents may be murdered by an Evil Darach?

Let’s put them all on ice!

Now, while logically, I think the idea of surrogate sacrifices brought on by near death experiences is a TERRIBLE IDEA, I must say that it made for an incredibly poignant way to end the penultimate episode.  Let’s see . . . there was the ominous warning, that, not only will temporary death cause Allison, Stiles and Scott pretty much permanent emotional damage, it will also open up Beacon Hills as a Hell Mouth for every Big Bad in the world recently kicked out of Sunnydale, who is looking for a place to commit carnage . . .

There was the ritualistic offering up of Totems to represent the deep bonds that exist between each parent and child . . .

There was the part where Matchmaker Deaton outed Stiles and Lydia, and Allison and Isaac as future lovers, by pairing them together in the sacrifice, and basically left poor Scott out in the lonely cold . . . literally . . .

And then, if that wasn’t enough, right when they are all on ice, ready to die, Stiles reveals to the audience that FBI Douche is actually Scott’s dad, who is officially back in town . . .

Yikes!  When the promos said that this season of Teen Wolf might hurt, they weren’t kidding!

*gurgle gurgle*

*tssssssst*

P.S. Derek just un-Alphaed himself to save Cora.  How do ya like them apples, Peter?

He really ought to consider doing something about those varicose veins . . .

Next week, on the season finale of Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

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Flatliners

Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

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Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the Darach .  . .

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

Source

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

Source

Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

Frustrating, isn’t it?

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

“I am the Angel of Death.”

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

“That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

Have I confused you enough yet?

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

This is your brain.

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

Happiest wolf ever . . .

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

“Nom-nom.   Got one!”

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”

(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

“Now you tell me?”

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?”  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I’m just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

“I get no respect.”

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.

“I think it’s beautiful.”

If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It’s the thought that counts, right?

“We were just resting our eyes.  We promise.”

“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.

“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”

“I can’t talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I’m THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.”  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you.”

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

“You people are idiots.”

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.”  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)

Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week’s mystery, which I’ll get to in just a bit . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (Who’s there?)

Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.

“He still hasn’t learned where to put his hands.”

(What’s with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time?  Why can’t they do it in the car, or their parents’ basement like normal teenagers?  Then again, I’m not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents.  Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)

“Son, have you done your homework?”

Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point.  But no one really seems to go outside . . .

Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm?  That reminds me, does Cora even go to school?  I hope so, because I’d hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .

Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn’t want her to date Aidan anymore.  Derek’s sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek’s face, and brought his “evil” uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .

Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .

Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season’s Big Bad.  Who’s next?  Deucalion?

The Darach?

Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he’d finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .

Anywhoo, on Deaton’s sister, Ms. Morell’s advice, Stiles and Cora decide to “inspire” Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .

Silly Stiles!  Haven’t you figured out by now that Lydia can only “communicate” psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?

I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn’t recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all.  Wasn’t he the one who translated the word Darach to mean “dark oak?”

“It’s like the writers forgot you were smart?”

I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles’ brain.  It’s time to fix that problem.  I’m looking at you, Lydia . . .

Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane.  Sigh . . .  am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop?  The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .

Choose your adventure . . .

In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of “Cane Keepaway,” which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .

After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by “following the currents.”  The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices .  . . choices . . .

Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?

Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison’s apartment.  Because while Big Scott can’t even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .

Now, admittedly, I’ve never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan.  That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott.  Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?

In fact, with the exception of Stiles’ Weiner, Scott’s Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .

After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he’s also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!

I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .

I dream of Stilinski

Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he’s dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .

*whistles a lullaby*

Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn’t kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices.  Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny’s bag about . . . wait for it  . . . currents.

Did someone say “Currents”?  (That’s the title of this episode!)

There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .

Upon comparing Chris Argent’s Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny’s research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful.  The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole “expression triangle” bit the writers used on TVD this past year.

That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.

Also . . . they didn’t call it a ridiculous name like “expression triangle.”

It’s actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.

(Congratulations Cora!  When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter  than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)

And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd’s plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek’s apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.

Even Magic Coochie can’t save you now . . .

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali  kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek’s apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.

“Got your coochie!”

Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess.  Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .

“Coochie, coochie coo?”

And so, as they do every episode, Derek’s pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else .  . .

Speaking of aerobics . . .

Scott shows off his talent for miming .  . .

OK .  . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this “Huge Triumphant Moment,” when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.

I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don’t know . . . A LOT COOLER?

Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.

“I’m in a box.”

He couldn’t even save Deaton!  HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which  the vet was suspended.

“That was easy.”

Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic.  Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper.  As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly “faster than a speeding bullet.”  We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .

I understand that Scott’s “Magic Power” comes from him being such a “nice guy.”  I just kind of wish he was a “nice guy,” with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .

It would make Big Bad’s like Deucalion’s interest in him make a lot more sense . . .  Just sayin . . .

Bad Vibrations

Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek’s house!

Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!

Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek’s OWN claws as a weapon.  Talk about traumatic!

Quick, Boyd’s hurt!  Someone bring over the Magic Coochie!  Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it’s Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles.  At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity.  Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf.  And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .

All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd’s death was, the scene was exceptionally done.  Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd’s final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.

As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it’s moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch .  . .  which, of course, brings me to . . .

A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf’s Future . .

Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week’s trailer.  But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer.  So, I’m going to post IT instead . . .  (Warning:  While I’ve never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers,  this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)

This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .

Are they gone yet?

OK  . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it’s key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series’ most popular will they/won’t they couples . . .

In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.

(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)

Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers!  Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .

Until next time!

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