Tag Archives: gerard argent

Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

you just don't believe

don't believe 2

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

stydia big 2

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

my hero

stiles with wolf hat

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

stiles sad 3

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

ephemeral

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

die in blinkin8

sour wolf

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

boyd kicking ass

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

dead baby day 1

dead baby day 2

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

hello my name is

unfortunate plot device

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

hello my name is 2

less of a

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

there again

red herring

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

1_kate

big bad

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

feety

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

dumb girl

no no on

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

dead shelf

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

dead shelf killer

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

draco malfoy facepalm

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

find the body

the effing angel of death

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

found the body

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

wheres waldo

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

mopey stiles - Copy

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

allison twirly stiles pls

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

Dexter-dexter-26095020-1280-800

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

argents

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

hump hump d

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

vulnerable isaac

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

isaac

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

kissy face alissac

looking at you

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

knifepoint

straddle hump

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Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

guardians

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

soap dish smash

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

dont do it

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

another shot of danny

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

dethan

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

blue balls

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

exposition

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

the bitches of the pack

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

offended shrek

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

stefan shrug

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

destroyer of worlds

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

picture of the wolf

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

donald trump you're fired

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

mackin la

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

artwork by cora

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

whats that

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

you die

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

thwack

ouchie

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

now im pissed

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

see me 2

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

dennifer

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

lyd screams

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

talk to hot english

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the body

the Darach .  . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

cool dad

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

argent chris

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

machine_gun_cat

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

sheriff pic

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

teen wolf chess

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

heart wrench

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

woozy

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

mom would have

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

stiles-15

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

smash 2

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

birds

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

guilty brother

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

memorial concert 2

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

breath mint

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puking danny

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

playing music

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

swear i will

hands

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Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

right now

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

evil english

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

mackin

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

darach

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

torn up derek 1

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

ep 5 running derek

let me love you

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

scary derek

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

ep 5 kate der

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

hot trainer der

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

lyd screams

naked lydd

ep 5 screaming lyd

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

grabbing her

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

bad chant

dying teacher

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

made out with darach

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

knifed dad

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

poor stilesy

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

derek the bluegold to blue

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

ep 8 funny stiles

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

life sucks get a helmet

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

born into greatness

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

derek dream 1

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

looking good peter hale

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

dying ennis

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

the deuce

see or not

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

2 16 damon says stop talking

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

how old

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

as young as

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

chris argent

sheriff thinksession

funny face grandpa

Frustrating, isn’t it?

verbal keyboard smash

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

hot derek

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

ep 5 kate der

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

ep 12 dead kate

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

oboe

mom jeans

staring at

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

torn up derek 1

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

talk to hot english

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

basketball in gym

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

balls in face

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

eye roll

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

blue balls

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

plays triangle

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

hate you

mackin time

kiddy kisses

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

its perfectly safe

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

making out in caves

you love me dreams lost in water

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

lose something

staring at you

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

chillin pete

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

lurking pete

stalker

lurking 1

lurking 2

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

peter says hi luceateis - Copy

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

perfect combinations

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

peter with golden eyes

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

stefan shrug

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

what century

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

no one will ban

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

basketball

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

turn her

bite is a gift

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

2 16 lie

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

stranger danger

magic eraser

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

pedo

playing hard to get

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

gotcha en

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

sterek comfort

“I am the Angel of Death.”

hand grasping

smush

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

know who you are

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

naughty naughty

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

he killed her

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

the vet ac

That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

derek the blue

mommy

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

listening to story 2 three

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

blue eyes

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

matt and ma

kanima tatt

too soon haha - Copy

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

peter pan

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

crying chick

teen wolf chewed body

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

wachu talking about deuchy

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

dont understand

Have I confused you enough yet?

awww stilesy

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

wolfy adrixu00

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

sterek next to eachother

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

This is your brain.

walking with brain

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

squish

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

drooly

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

hand shake

this hurts me worse

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

soon to be dead

blah

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

damn you ennis

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

the douche

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

teen wolf hunters

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

pissed ennis

full happy wolf

Happiest wolf ever . . .

nakey lady

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

cave painting ennis

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

this guy sucks

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

melon head cat

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

meeting

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

gassy

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

lots of gas

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

bam bam

bam bam bam

better bam bam

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

boing

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

its electrifying

electrifying

oh my eyes

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

you are done

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

deucalieyes

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

nodding oh yeah

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

how you like me now

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

better mr. rogers sweater

mr-rogers

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

demon wolf

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

dont believe you

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

destroyer of worlds

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

revenge

remembering

no no on

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

darach

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

shirtless male review

more shirtless male review

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

magic mike

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever 2 – I SELL TEEN WOLF SHIRTS HERE!]

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Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

awkward death

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

the effing angel of death

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

going to die

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

condom 2

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

condom 3

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Immortals-2011-daniel-sharman-31573654-534-800

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

the current

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

puking danny

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

lots of moths

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

having a bad day

sad mom

It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

ep 10 yay mom

“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”

McDreamy

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

dead guy on floor

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

eating the moth

“Nom-nom.   Got one!”

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

hitchhiking no no

“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”

(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

touch me

veiny hand

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

puking danny

mistletoe kisses

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

you rock

“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

stiles grossed out

I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

mistletoe weiner

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

i promise

cuddles dan eth

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

in pain

“Now you tell me?”

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?”  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

found moth

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I’m just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

voldemort

“I get no respect.”

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.

tagging

kali

“I think it’s beautiful.”

If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”

dying ennis

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

sleepy mommy

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It’s the thought that counts, right?

woah shes up

“We were just resting our eyes.  We promise.”

mom wakes up

“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

window treatment

“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.

calling you

“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”

can you hear me now

“I can’t talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I’m THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.”  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

thank you for being a live

“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you.”

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

sounds like a terrible idea

“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

smirky peter

“You people are idiots.”

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

it gets better

Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.”  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)

whos your daddy

Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week’s mystery, which I’ll get to in just a bit . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (Who’s there?)

Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.

humping

“He still hasn’t learned where to put his hands.”

(What’s with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time?  Why can’t they do it in the car, or their parents’ basement like normal teenagers?  Then again, I’m not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents.  Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)

let me out

“Son, have you done your homework?”

Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point.  But no one really seems to go outside . . .

stefan shrug

Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm?  That reminds me, does Cora even go to school?  I hope so, because I’d hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .

threatened

Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn’t want her to date Aidan anymore.  Derek’s sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek’s face, and brought his “evil” uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .

glitter blow

Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .

Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season’s Big Bad.  Who’s next?  Deucalion?

demon wolf

The Darach?

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he’d finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .

mountain ash

Anywhoo, on Deaton’s sister, Ms. Morell’s advice, Stiles and Cora decide to “inspire” Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .

no no on

Silly Stiles!  Haven’t you figured out by now that Lydia can only “communicate” psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?

verbal keyboard smash

I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn’t recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all.  Wasn’t he the one who translated the word Darach to mean “dark oak?”

draw a tree

“It’s like the writers forgot you were smart?”

I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles’ brain.  It’s time to fix that problem.  I’m looking at you, Lydia . . .

sex me now

Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane.  Sigh . . .  am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop?  The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .

deucalion in elevator

Choose your adventure . . .

In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of “Cane Keepaway,” which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .

the deuce

After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by “following the currents.”  The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices .  . . choices . . .

Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?

Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison’s apartment.  Because while Big Scott can’t even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .

boner in frontboner in back

is that a boner

Now, admittedly, I’ve never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan.  That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott.  Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?

In fact, with the exception of Stiles’ Weiner, Scott’s Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .

hot dog costume

After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he’s also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!

showing the light

I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .

I dream of Stilinski

Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he’s dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .

dreaming

looking in your bag

shh go sleepy

*whistles a lullaby*

Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn’t kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices.  Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny’s bag about . . . wait for it  . . . currents.

Did someone say “Currents”?  (That’s the title of this episode!)

There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .

ephemeral

Upon comparing Chris Argent’s Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny’s research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful.  The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole “expression triangle” bit the writers used on TVD this past year.

location found

That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.

Also . . . they didn’t call it a ridiculous name like “expression triangle.”

taking the heart bonniegraham

It’s actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.

skeptical cora

(Congratulations Cora!  When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter  than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)

And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd’s plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek’s apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Even Magic Coochie can’t save you now . . .

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali  kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek’s apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.

got your coochie

“Got your coochie!”

Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess.  Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .

better got your coochie

“Coochie, coochie coo?”

And so, as they do every episode, Derek’s pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else .  . .

water aerobics

Speaking of aerobics . . .

Scott shows off his talent for miming .  . .

OK .  . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this “Huge Triumphant Moment,” when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.

red eyes

I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don’t know . . . A LOT COOLER?

Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.

pushing the wall

miming

constipated look wall

mime

“I’m in a box.”

He couldn’t even save Deaton!  HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which  the vet was suspended.

hanging deaton

bang

shot down

“That was easy.”

Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic.  Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper.  As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly “faster than a speeding bullet.”  We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .

smash 2

I understand that Scott’s “Magic Power” comes from him being such a “nice guy.”  I just kind of wish he was a “nice guy,” with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .

trust scott

It would make Big Bad’s like Deucalion’s interest in him make a lot more sense . . .  Just sayin . . .

Bad Vibrations

electrifying

Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek’s house!

electrocuted better

draco malfoy facepalm

Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!

Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek’s OWN claws as a weapon.  Talk about traumatic!

sad boyd

Quick, Boyd’s hurt!  Someone bring over the Magic Coochie!  Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it’s Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles.  At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity.  Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf.  And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .

All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd’s death was, the scene was exceptionally done.  Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd’s final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.

erika rising to the occasion

erika dying

sterek comfort

As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it’s moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch .  . .  which, of course, brings me to . . .

A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf’s Future . .

Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week’s trailer.  But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer.  So, I’m going to post IT instead . . .  (Warning:  While I’ve never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers,  this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)

3 10 go away crazzyfruit

This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .

Are they gone yet?

gone looked big

OK  . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it’s key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series’ most popular will they/won’t they couples . . .

In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.

kitsune

(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)

Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers!  Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Worst Vacation EVERRR! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Motel California”

this place is great

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

The Glen Capri Motel:  Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home!  Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave!  (198 suicides and counting!)  Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .

emphysema

cable TV . . .

turning on channel

static on tv

a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .

oregon-vending-machinebusiness

hungry boyd

and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!

lifting

So, give us a call today!  Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!

This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.

sleep talker

kind of dead

It was bound to happen sometime.  I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself  . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).

dead bullet guy

dead life guard

dead heather

But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES!  You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .

no idea what im doing

The plan failed . . . MISERABLY.  (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0)  Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.

seriously so messed up honour in revenge

Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

Pack your bags, Werebangers!  Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .

motel for wolves

[As always, special thanks to Andre .  .  . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]

That 70’s Show

1977 is the year

Whenever television shows do 70’s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.

sideburns

They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .

gnarly scar

full moon

Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . .  .

killing me softly

“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”

alexander argent

The Usual Suspects

Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later .  . .which reminds me, why 36 years?  It seems kind of random, no?

nodding oh yeah

At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday.  But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .

big gift

I guess we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver.  Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .

no me gusta

i see dead people

While in bed with Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

 . . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.

thinking about suspects

“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”

They are . . .

mr harris

Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect

derek dream 1

Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .

cora hale

Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .

cryptic vet

Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 . . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane.  (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sense didn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)

lydia and punch

lyd screams

Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .

drowning matt

too soon haha - Copy

Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect.  After all, he’s been a Big Bad before.  Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .

ep 6 alpha

smirky peter

After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle?  And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .

scared peter - Copy

Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again.  I’m just putting it out there . . .

In other Villain News . . .

Get in MY BELLY!

get in my belly!

BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW!  Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .

cuddles dan eth

hump

nipple

“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”

Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .

getting laid dan

the scar

Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child.  Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”

offended shrek

Danny, however, likes his scars.  They make him feel like a survivor.

another shot of danny

“Where’s the scar?”

Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .

Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?

indigestion

“Sh*t, not again.”

let me out

“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while?  Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”

I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol.  Chainsaws are just too messy . . .

constipated

pepto

Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .

cutting it out

“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”

Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck.  Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed.  No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.

wrestle

im not ready to be a dad

“Was it something I said?”

Dark!Scott Returns

So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?

bad scott

Yeah, he was kind of a douche.  But dude was fun to watch!

Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?

mcrapey 2

hide your kids

It’s Scott McRapey!

Walking in on Allison in the shower?  Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave?  Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems?  Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”

mcrapey

fonde fondle

janet leigh pyscho scream

psycho_norman_bates

Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . .  It was awesome!

In other news, the Red Eyes were back.  Alpha, shmalpha!  Get this boy some Visine, STAT!

visine

visine

Come Play with Us!

It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . .  out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .

all the articles

Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night.  As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”

198

It’s an admittedly dubious distinction.  But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless.  I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE.  But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.

more hanging

newspaper articles

“Prayer circle?”

In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!

Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .

In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .

shining girls

the-shining-british-movie-poster1

This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms.  You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.

Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day.  As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting.  The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.

thanks buddy

“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”

Coincidence?

Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.

201-198 = 3

2 15 forever

The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?

Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here

“Ring, ring!  Hey, Scott!  It’s your mom calling.”

seeing mom get butchered

“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”

slash

“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet.  I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”

ep 10 yay mom

“Just kidding.  I’m not really dying.  I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”

trademark scott face

“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”

Ice, Ice, Baby .  . .

You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?

bettywhitesnicker

Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry.  But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?

hungry boyd

boyd kicking ass

punched glass

“Care for a Kit Kat?”

(Fun fact.  At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel?  Could he be one of the lucky three?)

Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .

want ice

kid in ice

“Peekaboo!”

Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.

sad boyd

listen to it

In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni.  Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.

Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?

splat

“Plop.”

just chilin

“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”

Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people,  apparently extends to the future dead.  Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie.  Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances,  Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.

He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .

emergency

wake up bud

“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”

Phew, that was a close one.  Fear not, kiddies.  It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .

But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .

Get in the Icebox!

Since there’s nothing good on television  .  . .

turning on channel

“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”

Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .

bored isaac

“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Good times!”

Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .

hiding under

But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway.  (That’s what friends are for!)

stiles rescue

Speaking of friends with benefits . . .

Sex Heals All Wounds . . .  Apparently

When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .

omg

So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation: takes him to a hospital   uses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding  makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .

seriously

“Seriously?”

mackin

Not that Derek is complaining . . .

more mackin

Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?

fondle corpse

One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED!  It’s a MIRACLE!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”

English Teacher has officially become my hero!  Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.

Gas Pains . . .

Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . .  .

gasolina

Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .

we are losers

“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”

OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season.  But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .

harsh man

Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.

3 15 wtf can i

OUCH!  If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that  .  . . just sayin . . .

mischeivous stiles

“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”

Obviously, I’m kidding.  But seriously!  Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott!  He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW!  Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .

stiles-15

But Stiles is clearly a better person than me.  Because rather than telling off Scott,  he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .

lets die together

“It gets better.”

Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.

When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter!  Talk about a cool cameo appearance!

voldemort

ugly guy

“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”

Thar she BLOWS!

The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.

the evil whistle

wolfsbane

Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season?  Why was it so much more selective, this time around?  I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!

blow whistle

ok gif

Also, how was Coach able to  get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach .  . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . .  If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Also, on the bus,  Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.

thank you scott

dont understand

SCOTT?  SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?

Scott was out playing in the gasoline!  STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!

lydia brave tatikatelena

Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season?  Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?

stiles sad 3

Makes me mad, is all . . .

Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .

charming derek

However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . .  .

dying ennis

derek watche

“Doh!”

Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around  . . .

Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?

Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval.  So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .

she did it

“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”

At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .

chris argent

“Hi honey, I’m home!”

smirking gerard

“Miss me and my massive over-acting?”

That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .

mountain ash

snot nose

(who, apparently,  after all these years,  has never learned how to blow his nose)

the gift of tp

And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . .  . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!

demon wolf

Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

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Come Closer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Unleashed”

sex me now

Source

As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance.  We thrive on these things.  They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.

ep 11 salison

9_stiles-lydia

hugsies isaac
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive.  Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain.  It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .

going to die

Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.

i see dead people

But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .

toss out

So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

stiles with wolf hat

enjoy the show

Source

(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)

Number One with a Bullet

Mistletoe.  Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant.  Right?

mistletoe kisses

ep 7 kissy face

WRONG!  It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .

BabyScared

It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .

whois your daddy

“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.

mistletoe

(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)

ephemeral

It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.

bullet dog

“Here Puppy  . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.

here doggie

Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”

Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .

Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .

come closer 1

no no on

Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake.  Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.  

owww bit

First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.

draco malfoy facepalm

“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.

look at my bite

stupid human

“Stupid Human.  I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?

stefan shrug

Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .

Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers.  It’s the middle of the night.  You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley.   You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER.  Do you:

(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast

(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster

(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or

(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.

I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet.  D was not the correct answer.  As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body.  But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?

you can be my new dad

“You can be my new daddy.”

pick up dog

“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”

pick up dog 2

“Oh Brother!”

Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time.

The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .

scared teach

“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”

She hears a noise outside.  And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .

holding stick

But fear not, English Teacher!  That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!

im the alpha cameronbaum

English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy.  Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .

big bitch crazy

Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher.  That will really make him swoon!

tampon-med1

moony look

“She’s Dreamy!”

And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.  Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth.    Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise .  . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .

bitch face

she turns into the devil tendermercies

All right, so here’s the thing.  Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME.  In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

internet derek 3

let me love you

I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest.  Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever.  She’s just so milquetoasty!  And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.

sarcasm defense

Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple.  They look “pretty” together.  And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.

happy elena

But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”

speedboat-2

Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins.  Shall we?

Taking One for the Team

Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.

fat asses big

hot men no shirts

Source

Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .

number of fingers

Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .

threat life

sex me now 2

Any volunteers?

ill do it

Source

Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .

Stiles thanks him for his generosity.  And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View.  And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie.  What a cock tease!

blue balls

Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .

twins - Copy

OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now.  But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.

look confused

Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .

gay one

straight one

Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . .  doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight.  He wants them both equally dead.

isaac running

twins running

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The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run.  This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!

roar 1

roar 2

roar 3

rawr

Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .

dead bullet guy

tears from stiles

homeless kid

wasnt on the team

Talk about taking one for the team!

Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?

Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .

beat self up

wtf

*crickets*

protect

you are a monster

Except, since I still can’t tell the twins apart, watching Twin 1 beat up Twin 2, was kind of like watching Ed Norton beat up Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club . . .

hit me as hard as you

beat two

Also taking a hit to the face this week was Stiles, who learned the hard way that there is no tactful way to ask the grieving girlfriend of a guy who was just brutally murdered, if her military-loving boyfriend had the opportunity to bone her, before he went off to that Big ROTC in the Sky . . .

talking to widow

too soon haha - Copy

But hey, Stiles!  Look on the bright side.  At least that pesky serial killer isn’t offing virgins, anymore!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Coming out of the Closet

Because Isaac gets detention for not “beating up” one of the twins . . . and the writers need Allison to have detention too for “romantic reasons,” we get THIS random scene . . .

sleepy baby

*insert loud snores*

 . . . in which Allison falls asleep in class, and mistakes the French teacher / Guidance Counselor / Vet’s Friend / Possible Evil Alpha-Loving Ninja for her mother . . .

sees her mother

impasse

You can understand Allison’s confusion.  I mean, these two look EXACTLY ALIKE!

7 4 twins

 In detention, Allison and Isaac get paired together to do something in the supply closet that I don’t quite remember, but it sounds awfully kinky . . .

Allison sort of / kind of apologizes to Isaac for . . . you know . . . trying to kill him, and stuff.

stabbed me twenty times

stabbed me

multi stab

Foreplay . . .

And Isaac sort of / kind of forgives her, because he would very much like to know what she looks like naked . . .

flirting 1

flirting 2

Source

I love the obvious chemistry these two actors (who were dating in real life, back when this was shot) have with one another on screen.  And, for that reason, I’m much more willing to get on board with them as a future couple, than I was with Scott and Allison.  But just as I have trouble believing Derek would fall for a Mary Sue like English Teacher, it’s difficult for me to see Isaac, a child of abuse, falling for  . . . really . . . his only male friend’s ex, who so gleefully brutalized him, just a few months ago.  Likewise, I have difficulty understanding why Allison would hit on another werewolf, so soon after she supposedly swore off the entire species, for good . . .

thinking

Maybe she’s just really horny . . .

Anywhoo . . . SOMEONE locks Isaac and Allison in the closet, which gives Isaac PTSD about all those times when his dad locked him in the icebox . . . which causes him to wolf out .  .  . which puts Allison’s life in danger . . .

ptsd

fighting

If I recall correctly, of the three newbie wolves, Isaac was the best at controlling his rage, because he used his rage over his father’s abuse as an anchor, to prevent him from ever becoming an abuser himself . . .

anchor found

Given the volatility of this moment, it’s interesting – if not exactly surprising, given all the ad nauseum foreshadowing of Scott rising to Alpha status – that Scott is successfully able to replace Isaac’s own father, as the anchor to Isaac’s humanity.  Upon freeing Allison from the closet, Scott literally “Alpha’s” Isaac into submission . . .

owned

vulnerable isaac

“Does this mean I’m grounded?”

Now, Scott is REALLY pissed.  The Alpha Twins have officially messed with his ex girlfriend, his bromantic buddy, and . . . Lydia?!

lyd and twin

hawt

Jealous much?

THIS MEANS WAR!

Sweet Vengeance

gotcha al

In what was probably my favorite scene in the episode, Scott, Allison and Isaac band together to exact perfect justice on those doofy Alpha Twins, by throwing that Siamese Cat Framing Trick the Bad Guys pulled at the beginning of the episode, right back in their faces.  All it takes is a little motorcycle sabotage .  . .

bike parts

. . . a hot cell phone pic . . .

looking hot on bike

. . . and a sexually tense lesson in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies . . .

throttle 1

throttle 2

throttle 3

throttle 4

Source

Considering Isaac spent his first time on a motorcycle, half unconscious, with a sliced open tummy, and a pair of painfully electrocuted nipples . . .

relaxing ride

. . . I’d say he does a pretty good job instantly figuring out how to maneuver it into the school, while making just enough noise to spark the Evil Alpha Twins attention . . .

riding around school

Isaac slips away quietly, just as one of the two Evil Alpha Twins rushes out to save his precious bike.  (How did he know it was his?  Aren’t both the bikes identical?)

see ya

“By the way, your engine sounds like it could use a tune up.”

I also like how, even though everyone in class, including English Teacher, heard the sound of the motor, before the Alpha twin ran out into the hall way, everyone immediately assumed the twin was somehow responsible for getting the bike into the school . . .

busted ha

“Maybe he moved it with his mind?  Perhaps, I should ask my new hunky werewolf boyfriend if this is possible.  After all, he’s REALLY smart, and read The Crucible.”

Regardless, it was awesome . . .

ian says awesome

But the twins’ Bad Day isn’t quite over . . .

For starters, that one twin has to get fisted again.  (If it’s the same twin who got the beating earlier in the episode, I’m crying foul.  Being a bottom is one thing.  Being a b*tch to yourself is quite another)

morph

Then they both have to turn into this ugly thing . . .

turning

eww

yuck face

ISAAC: “So, let me get this straight.  Lydia and Danny would rather bone THAT THING than you and Stiles?  That’s just cold . . .”

SCOTT: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, just when the twins are finally ready to give Isaac and Scott the beat down they’ve been waiting to give them the entire episode, Big Bad Blind Alpha Daddy pops up seemingly out of nowhere, and emasculates them in the worst way possible . . . by literally giving them a spanking . . .

sad boys

“But Daddy, they started it!”

smack

sad boys

Backaches and Heartbreaks

Speaking of Big Bad Alpha Daddy, he and his little clan of Evil Alphas interrupted Derek’s and his sister’s workout session, to pay a little house call . . .

kali

stabby

“Is this because I didn’t offer you any coffee?”

Gross Chick Kali still can’t be bothered to wear shoes.  But at least this time, she gave herself a pedicure . . .

painted toenails

While Derek is like BLEEDING TO DEATH and stuff, Deucalion drones on conversationally about how cool it is to murder your entire pack, because it allows you to absorb their magical powers.  Apparently, doing this has enabled Deucalion to become . . .

destroyer of worlds

demon wolf

Source

 . . . a Massive Over-Actor . . . kind of like someone else we know . . .

mountain ash

(How great would it be to just put these two in a room, and let them scream at each other?)

OK, so I have a question . . . if Blind Deucalion gets to take the best parts of all the werewolves he kills, why didn’t he bother murdering a wolf with 20-20 vision?

see or not

Deucalion generously invites Derek to murder his entire pack, so that he can join the Big Bad Blind Guy’s Merry Club of Personality-Free Psycho Killers.  Derek would politely decline, except, he’s kind of unconscious right now.  Sorry!