ELENA: “So, what you are telling me is that Klaus is your ‘brotha from anotha papa?'”
ELIJAH: “Hells yeah, shortie!”
ELENA: “That’s off the heezy!”
ELIJAH: “Fo schizzle, my dizzle.”
Oh, TVD! How you slay me with your Twisty Turny Plot Devices! In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still recovering from the multiple stakes this show has driven through my heart, in the course of a single hour. Every time I thought I had things figured out, in popped those wily writers again, to stab me with a new piece of information that would undoubtedly change everything . . .
Admittedly, like most of the show’s Flashback Episodes, “Klaus” was a tad more “talk-y” than your average Vampire Diaries’ installment. And yet, the hour still packed a few MAJOR punches, thanks to some truly shocking revelations, which were very politely brought to our attention, courtesy of THIS GUY . . .
That’s right, my fellow fangbangers! Elijah is back! And if history any indication, he’s quickly shaping up to be the “New Stefan” . . . or perhaps, more accurately, the Old One. Of course, if Elijah is the New/Old Stefan, that begs a very important question: Who’s Klaus?
“In the iconic words of Damon Salvatore, ‘That’s for me to know, and you to dot, dot, dot . . .”
As you may have already guessed, our mission this week, should we choose to accept it, is to learn more about the titular “Klaus.” Where did he come from? What makes him tick? And, perhaps, most importantly, what the heck does he want with OUR Elena?
Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?
Don’t Wake The Elijah!
ELIJAH: “I just had the most AWFUL dream, Elena! I came to your lakehouse to talk to you, and you DROVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART! Then, someone stuck me in the trunk of their car, dragged me back to this mansion, and threw me in a wine cellar. After that, someone tried to SET ME ON FIRE WITH A BLOW TORCH! That didn’t work. So, I laid DEAD, on the COLD HARD FLOOR, for MANY, MANY EPISODES . . .”
ELENA: *whistles awkwardly*
We begin our episode right where we left off, last week. Elena has just “de-staked” Elijah (something we all know she is VERY good at doing) . . .
“That’s right, Elena, you just keep pulling it out . . . HARD!”
So, now, our heroine is just waiting for him to “wake up.” And, “wake up,” Elijah DOES! Of course, lying with a stake in your heart for many, many days, would take it’s toll on ANYBODY. So, to say Elijah is not exactly “at his best,” when Elena first sees him, is pretty much the Biggest Understatement EVER . . .
His hair still looks fabulous though . . .
I’ll be honest, when Elijah first opens his eyes to the woman who gave him the “Big Sleep,” I expect some Vampire Rose-esque CRAAAAAAZY MAN Vampire Hijinks, complete with lots of growling, and images of Elena skittering around the mansion, like a scared mouse.
Ahhh, memories!
But Poor Elijah is much more the Confused Old Grandpa, Who Just Misplaced his Pants, than a Savage Beast. And I can’t help feeling kind of bad for the guy, as he stumbles and trips around the Salvatore Mansion, clothes torn, and face ashen.
He repeatedly mistakes Elena for Katherine, and complains of difficulty breathing. Remember, just because he was DRAGGED into “Elena’s” house, didn’t necessarily mean he was INVITED in there. (Nice TOUCH, TVD!)
“Might I trouble you for a spot of tea?”
By the time, Elijah has successfully escaped Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, and Elena has silently handed him the White Oak Dagger that brought about his untimely demise, he seems more relieved to have the color back in his oh-so-pretty face, than anything else. So, off “new besties” Elijah and Elen go to “hug it out” outside.
Meanwhile, Stefan and Damon share a Bad Sitcom Moment, when they simultaneously realize that Elena is missing, and so is their Token Dead Guy . . .
You can almost hear the artificial laugh track, as the brothers do matching facepalms, at the entranceway of the now-empty wine cellar . . .
While Elena and Elijah are chatting in the car, Stefan calls Elena’s cell phone. She explains that Stefan shouldn’t worry. She’s got everything under “control.” After all, Elijah is a “noble man”, and she can “trust him.” (Uhhhh . . . I don’t know, Stefan. It sounds like a precursor to Hot Car Sex to me!)
“I think you are really going to enjoy this, Elena. I’ve been boning chicks, since the Days of the Caveman. I know what women want.”
After Elena hangs up on his ass, Stefan acts kind of blase about the whole thing. Some might even say he seems bored. Stefan explains that he trusts his girlfriend to do the Right Thing, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Damon is SUPER PISSED! NOBODY should be having sex with Elena in a car, EXCEPT HIM!
(Fortunately, for Elijah, Damon is more of a Shower Sex Guy than a Backseat Car Humper . . . otherwise, the Dude would SO be DEAD, by now!)
(Just so you know, my goal is to somehow include this GIF in EVERY SINGLE RECAP I write for this show, between now and the finale. I do hope you won’t mind. ;))
“We need to find her. And we need to stop her,” exclaims Damon fiercely.
But Stefan forcefully grabs Damon, and tells him to “back off,” in the Brothers’ first of many “Bad Touches” (TM Cherie) of the evening . . .
Back in the Luuuuve Mobile, Elijah has tentatively agreed to resume his alliance with Elena, and to tell her everything he knows about Klaus. But first, he needs a shower (Ahem! No funny stuff, Elijah!) and some new threads. (Silly vampires, and their Fashion Requirements!)
So, off the twosome head to the Lockwood Mansion to compel Mama Lockwood to give Elijah some clothes. It’s in this mansion that the pair spend the majority of the episode, sipping tea and gossiping like school girls about the Good Old Days of Elijah and Klaus . . .
I SMELL FLASHBACKS!
So, Tonight We’re Going to Party Like it’s 1492 . . .
KATHERINE: “Lords Klaus and Elijah, you have the MOST FASCINATING HAIR . . . you must introduce me to your stylists.”
ELIJAH: “We’d love to . . . except . . . Klaus ate him last week . . .”
It is at this moment in the episode that the First Bombshell of the Hour is dropped . . . Klaus and Elijah are brothers . . .
The siblings come from a large family, who, though born to human parents, ALL eventually became vampires. (Way to create a Neverending Cavalcade of Prospective Villains for Season 3, writers!) Apparently, ALL vampires (including Damon, Stefan, and Katherine herself) can be traced back in origin to this First Family . . .
This is what I like to call having a “Darth Vader is Your Dad and Probably F*&ked BOTH Your Girlfriends” moment . . .
Speaking of Katherine, Elijah meets her first. And in true Salvatore Brothers fashion, it become immediately obvious that she “looks just like a woman he used to love.” That’s right, boys and girls! Katherine WASN’T the first Petrova Doppelganger to win the hearts of two Sibling Vamps. In fact, it’s pretty heavily implied that her predecessor was a SERIOUS object of affection for BOTH Elijah and Klaus. And it was HER untimely death, in the service of a Very Special Curse (more on that later), that caused the brothers to “close their hearts to love for good,” or so they thought . . .
At this point in the story, Elijah and Klaus are still pretty close. Knowing that Klaus needs Katherine for his Sacrifice, Elijah introduces the Doppelganger to Klaus, personally. And, to Elijah’s credit, he is a pretty SOLID Wingman, when it comes to getting these two Crazy Kids to hook up with one another . . .
But then Klaus makes a fatal mistake in the Wooing of Katherine. It’s a mistake commonly made by television characters involved in love triangles. Fans of the old show Dawson’s Creek lovingly refer to this mistake as the Dawson Leery Lady-Bedding Blunder . . .
This TV Relationship No-No occurs when a character repeatedly neglects the object of their affection, thereby allowing their more charming and romantic (not to mention better looking) friend or sibling to swoop in and steal their girl away, usually FOR GOOD!
Stefan Salvatore, consider yourself warned . . .
We know, for certain, that the Bedding Blunder has happened, when we spy Katherine and Elijah FROLICKING together in the woods. (Man! Sometimes, I wish I lived during a time when people still “frolicked!”)
Katherine is flirtatiously pouting about Klaus not spending enough time with her. Elijah half-heartedly sticks up for his brother. But by the way he keeps making googly eyes at Katherine, you can tell Elijah no longer believes a word of what he’s saying. And when Elijah tells Katherine he doesn’t believe in love, it’s SO obviously a case of “thou doth protest too much,” it’s not even funny! More interesting is Katherine’s response, “True love isn’t real, unless it’s pretend.”
This one-liner actually goes pretty far in explaining some of Katherine’s more head-scratching actions throughout the series. Katherine is a lot like Klaus, in the sense that, to her, love is a game, one that can only be won through manipulation and the gaining of power over another individual.
Power . . . LOST!
Unfortunately, for Katherine, this time, SHE is the one getting played. Because Klaus too has a theory about love. He equates it with weakness. And because he thinks it makes him “weak,” Klaus has decided to turn off any feelings of love he might genuinely have for Katherine.
It’s time for the Second Bombshell of the Episode. In the next flashback scene, we see Elijah and Klaus poring over those Aztec Parchment documents that supposedly detail the Sun and Moon Curse. The problem is, the documents weren’t created by Aztecs at all! KLAUS WROTE THEM HIMSELF!
Yep, the Sun and the Moon Curse, with all its “ingredients,” (i.e. the witch, the vampire, the werewolf . . . etc.), it’s all COMPLETELY FAKE — a diversion tactic to keep the various races of supernatural creatures at odds with one another. The curse Klaus ACTUALLY wants to break is one witches placed on HIM, specifically. And it’s only ingredients are the Petrova Doppelganger and the Moonstone.
This, of course, leads me to the Third Bombshell of the episode. “Klaus and I have the same mother,” explains Elijah. “But we do not share the same father . . . Klaus’ father was . . . (wait for it) . . . a WEREWOLF!”
“Say WHAT?”
So, basically, the REAL Sun and Moon Curse has NOTHING to do with werewolves being able to change at will. Nor does it involve vampires being able to walk in the sun, without sunscreen rings. It all has to do with Klaus, and his now-dormant WEREWOLF abilities. If Klaus breaks THIS curse, he will become the World’s Very First Wolf / Vampire Hybrid.
Now, the thought of THIS GUY as a WERE-VAMP, alone, is pretty frightening. But, try this on for size: Klaus’ ULTIMATE goal is to start a WHOLE NEW RACE of Vampire / Wolf Hybrids. So, if you are lucky enough to be one of the Chosen Ones . . .
But, if not . . . well . . .
Now, totally and completely in love with Katherine, Elijah spills the beans to her about Klaus’ plans. This, of course, results in a VERY pissed off Klaus . . .
“I have a VERY BIG MOUTH . . . the better to EAT YOUR FACE with!
According to Elijah, he had come up with a plan to save Katherine. This plan involved killing his own brother, after the Curse was Broken, during the vulnerable time period of his first werewolf transformation. (Now, THAT’S what I call love!)
But, as we all know, Elijah never had the chance to carry out his plan. Katherine ran from Elijah and Klaus. She then ultimately tricked Rose into turning her into a vampire.
“You cared about her,” notes Captain Obvious Elena.
“It’s a common mistake, I’m told,” admits Elijah. “One I won’t make again.”
(Oh, Elijah . . . don’t you realize you are on the Everybody Loves Elena Show? I hate to break this to you, dude! But your DEFINITELY going to make that mistake AGAIN!)
“Alas, I suspect you are right, oh wise, TV Recapper! But at least, THIS time, I will have less ridiculous hair . . .”
Anyway . . . back in Present Day, Klaus is still alive and well. And Elena is paying the price for her “twin’s” now centuries old mistakes . . .
Speaking of Katherine, things are DEFINITELY looking up for her, lately . . .
Going Rogue . . .
DAMON: “So, I hear we are getting to do some Almost Nude Scenes together this week?”
ANDIE: “You are going to be ALMOST NUDE?” *does little dance of joy*
DAMON: “Nope . . . just YOU.”
ANDIE: “Well, that’s LAME!”
DAMON: “I know, right?”
Purposefully ignoring Stefan’s instructions to sit on the bench for this round of the Save Elena Games, Damon commandeers Sex Toy Andie to Go Rogue with him. (Can I just say, never has the phrase “Go Rogue” sounded sexier, than when it was coming out of Ian Somerhalder’s lips.) The so-called couple pays a visit to Alaric’s house, where Damon knows that Katherine is currently doing some compulsion-induced house-sitting. (If, by chance, you are wondering where AlarKlaus is? More on him later . . .)
“Hey, I’m bored. You guys up for a threesome?”
Having been compelled not to leave the house, Katherine is understandably a bit grumpy, when Damon and Andie arrive. After all, Katherine’s not exactly someone used to staying home, and missing out on all the good parties! But hey, at least she’s not repeatedly stabbing her leg, anymore!
Progress!
Damon generously offers Kat a vial of vervain, reasoning that, since the pair both share a true hatred for Klaus, a Non-Compelled Kat will be a WAY more helpful asset to the Save Elena Games than a compelled one.
Plus, now, she’s going to owe him, BIG TIME!
CHUG . . . CHUG . . . CHUG!
To celebrate her newfound Freedom from Mind Control, Katherine decides to numb her mental faculties in ANOTHER WAY, namely, by getting COMPLETELY WASTED on Alchy Alaric’s SUBSTANTIAL Liquor Stash, and dancing sluttily around the apartment with various inanimate household objects . . .
My kind of girl!
But, then, AlarKlaus comes home unexpectly, following an impromptu “date” with Useless Aunt Jenna. This forces Kat to do two things to which many teens can relate: (1) pretend to be sober, when she’s clearly not; and (2) pretend to follow “dad’s” orders, when she quite obviously no longer gives a DAMN!
Speaking of AlarKlaus’ and his “date” . . .
Do you like SCARY MOVIES, Useless Aunt Jenna? (Because you are in one!)
“So, let me get this straight . . . vampires are real . . . and so are werewolves . . . and witches. This probably means that zombies are real too . . . and wizards . . . and the Boogey Man . . . and the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny . . . and SANTA Claus (Klaus?) So, many supernatural creatures of questionable trustworthiness to invite into my home, and so little time! I better get started now.”
Useless Aunt Jenna wakes up from her two-episode hiatus, and suddenly remembers (gasp!), “I have minors I am supposed to be pretending to care about!” So, she comes back to her house to try and remember what the heck these kids look like. The problem, of course, is, they both have magically DISAPPEARED.
(Actually, Jeremy is hanging out in a grave somewhere, with Wicked Witch Bonnie, and Elena is busy partying it up with the SECOND most dangerous vampire in the WORLD! And what Responsible Parent would have a problem with that?)
“So, Elena’s banging vampires, huh? Well, at least we won’t have to worry about her getting pregnant!”
Silly Stefan! When Useless Aunt Jenna calls him to ask about her “kids'” whereabouts, he warns her not to let AlarKlaus into her home. Doesn’t he realize that, now that he’s TOLD her NOT to do something, that’s EXACTLY what she’s going to do? I mean, we are talking about Useless Aunt Jenna here, a.k.a. Little Miss Open Your Legs House for All Super Villains!
Fortunately, Stefan is smart enough to rush over to Jenna’s place, where AlarKlaus (SURPRISE!) is already making himself comfortable, by playing with his “girlfriend’s” boobies carving knives . . .
(I swear, this whole scene was SO remininscent of the original Scream opener, that I almost had Dead Drew Barrymore flashbacks . . .)
In what I can only imagine was an even MORE obvious homage to Scream (after all, Kevin Williamson wrote that one too), AlarKlaus begins to taunt Useless Aunt Jenna, with a series of increasingly creepy questions about whether or not she believes in vampires. Finally (though it took a REALLY long time, especially considering what the REAL Alaric put Jenna through, just a few episodes before), U.A.J. gets up the balls to ask AlarKlaus to get the F*&K out of her HOUSE! Then, when he refuses, SHE decides to leave instead!
This prompts AlarKlaus to go all Knife Wielding Psycho Killer on Jenna’s ass, which prompts Stefan to do THIS . . .
Way to go, STEFFY!
Mesmerized by the sight of her niece’s boyfriend trying to slice through the neck of her now-Abusive and Psychotic Ex, Dumbass Jenna just stands in the corner, with her jaw hanging open, and drool coming out of the sides of her mouth. This forces Stefan to VAMP OUT on her, so that it will FINALLY occur to her to LEAVE!
“I’m getting ANGRY, Jenna! And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry . . .”
Upon hearing from Stefan what went down, Elena takes a break from her Hot Date with Elijah to comfort a clearly mindblown Useless Aunt Jenna . . .
Less Clueless, but still just as Useless . . .
Poor U.A.J! It’s emotive scenes like this that make me realize that Sara Canning can actually ACT really well. She just hasn’t really been given much opportunity to do so in this TOTALLY THANKLESS ROLE!
She even managed to make STEFAN cry!
“I’m supposed to be the one who protects YOU,” Useless Aunt Jenna whines, in what was clearly the most unintentionally hilarious line of the ENTIRE episode. “I’m scared,” she whispers.
Umm . . . Jenna? Newsflash: YOU SHOULD BE!
It’s Too Late to Apologize . . .
“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”
After Elena goes back to Elijah, the Salvatore Brothers remain, alone and equally broody, in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. Stefan chooses this TOTALLY inappropriate time to make a snide comment about Damon’s unabashed use of Sex Toy Andie to satisfy his “needs.” “You should be happy she’s here, because it keeps me from going after what I REALLY want,” Damon notes.
Mmmmm hmmm!
“Yes, thank you for being in love with MY girlfriend,” replies Stefan. (Ooooh, he just went there!) “You can be in love with her all you want, if it means you will protect her. But I have her respect.”
*gulp*
Then THIS happens . . .
SUDDENLY, the two Salvatore Brothers are BEATING THE SH*T OUT OF EACHOTHER! And, I know that it’s supposed to be all tragic and SAD, because they both really just want Elena to be safe, and, blah, blah, blah. But it’s also REALLY HOT! I mean, come on! Show me a woman who WOULDN’T want these two men fighting over her, and I’ll show you a BIG FAT LIAR!
This Brotherly Love Fest is interrupted by the return of Elijah and Elena (guess she decided to invite him in, after all). Elena says that the original deal she had with Elijah is now back on. “The two of you will come to no harm at my hands,” insists the gentlemanly Elijah.
So, for those of you who haven’t been keeping track, here’s the NEW plan to Save Elena: (1) Bonnie will defeat Klaus, but she won’t die doing it, because Elijah has a loophole for THAT! (Presumably, this will take place AFTER the Moonstone Ritual, when Klaus is undergoing his were transformation.)
I bet there will still be lots of Constipated Face Making and Nose Bleeds though!
(2) Elena plays her part in the Sacrifice, but somehow lives, again, conveniently, thanks to Elijah. (I don’t know. Is anyone else getting any Red Flags, here?).
(3) There’s a big Supernatural Orgy in Mystic Falls. Everyone lives Happily Ever After . . . at least until next season.
Elijah’s going to do ALL THIS for Team Scooby out of the “kindness of his Cold Vampire Heart.” And all he wants in return is an apology from the brothers. . .
“Sorry for the part I played in your death,” says Stefan (which is pretty much the Funniest Apology EVER!) “But I did it to protect Elena. I will ALWAYS protect ELENA,” concludes the younger Salvatore, before sticking out his tongue, and blowing a raspberry at Damon.
“Real mature, Stefan!”
Then again, Damon refuses to apologize AT ALL, which doesn’t exactly win HIM maturity points either. (Unless, of course, Elijah ends up being a Secret Klaus Supporter, in which case, we will all be patting Damon on the back in a few weeks, for being so “insightful,” when it comes to Elena’s needs.)
Notice, I said Elena‘s needs . . . because Sex Toy’s needs seem to be falling by the waistside a bit, of late.
When a highly distraught Damon returns to his bedroom, Sex Toy Andie is there waiting for him in slinky lingerie, despite him having begged her to leave earlier. But Andie TRULY loves Damon (or at least, compulsion tells her she does). She knows that he is in pain, and wants to show him that someone out there cares about him.
Andie’s kindness, in the face of Damon’s complete lack of feeling for her, becomes too much for the Elder Salvatore to take. Last week, Damon may have come to the realization that he deserves love, but probably not Andie’s love. Realizing once and for all, that it is not FAIR to Andie, for Damon to use her as a distraction from his deep feelings for Elena, Damon lashes out at the Guest Star reporter. He then, ultimately compels her to leave, before he can really hurt her.
Ummm . . . Damon? You’ve got a little something on your lip . . .
Damon’s REALLY brutal to Andie in this scene. And at first blush, it’s pretty tough to watch. But if you peek beneath the layers of violence and brutality, there is actually a good deal of growth here on Damon’s part.
Now, now . . . before you write me off as some CRAZED Delena fan, who forgives Damon for everything he does wrong on this show, just hear me out . . .
Remember JESSICA?
Not too long ago, we experienced on this show a fairly similar situation to this one, in which Damon (having just experienced the loss of Rose) lashes out at an innocent woman, as an expression of his heartbreak over his not being able to be the person [Elena] needs him to be.
Now, just a few episodes later, Damon is equally heartbroken. But, this time, he doesn’t allow his anger to become murderous. By chasing Andie away, Damon saves her life, in the same way that New Vamp Caroline did, when she purposefully ended her relationship with Matt to keep him out of danger. (And look how much THANKS Matt has given Caroline for that! Ingrate!)
Not only is Damon no longer willing to selfishly use another human being, as a distraction for his true feelings, he also clearly feels deserving enough of Elena’s love, to prevent himself from committing the ultimate act of violence, just to salve a broken heart. That’s progress, folks! 🙂
Don’t Call it a Comeback! He’s Been Here for Years . . . (No, Really, He HAS!)
Meanwhile, back at Alaric’s house, Maddox (Yeah . . . apparently Sumo Warlock has a name. I missed that! Special thanks to my buddy mak, for kindly pointing that out to me.), and Newbie Witch Greta . . .
. . . sister of THIS NOW-DEAD GUY . . .
. . . arrive, carting an Extra Large Coffin in their wake. Now, if you recall, Jonas and Luka joined forces with Elijah to PROTECT Greta. But, quite honestly, she seems to be having a fine old time with Klaus! In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether these two KNOW one another, in the biblical sense, if you catch my drift . . . Truth be told, when Greta casually comments Klaus, “Nice body . . . let’s get you out of it,” some very, very naughty Witch/Vamp images ran through my dirty mind.
So, everybody holds hands around the candles. (And there are those candles again! It’s time to get more creative with your Spell Props, witches! Haven’t you ever seen Harry Potter before?)
Suddenly, the candles go out. AlarKlaus looks up from chanting. He sees Katherine, and calls her “Elena,” in a voice that is decidedly sans- that weird AlarKlaus accent. Suffice it to say, the REAL Alaric is back . . . and alive . . . at least, for now!
But if Alaric is back in his body, than where is Klaus? As if in answer, the door to the coffin opens, and THIS GUY emerges from it . . .
Now, if you thought Klaus was scary in a HUMAN body, you can imagine how much damage he can do in his OWN! In other words, be afraid, Scooby Gang! Be VERY AFRAID!
“Ruh-roh!”
The extended promo for next week’s episode, promises, among other things, some tender moments between BOTH Salvatores and Elena, Poor Caroline getting chained up and abused, once again, Tyler Lockwood humping the forest . . .
SO HOT! (I’m so jealous of The Forest right now . . .)
. . . a bromantic buddy reunion between Alaric and Damon, the return of Jules (meh!), and a showdown between Damon and Klaus. You can check it out here . . .
Is it Thursday yet, Fangbangers?
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 