How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

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Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

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It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

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And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

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Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

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I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

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That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

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Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

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So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

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 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

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I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

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“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

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Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

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Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

Every King Needs an Heir . . .

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Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

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Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

Don’t Eat the Prom Queen! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Pictures of You”

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OMG, Fangbangers!  It’s Senior PROM TIME!  Can you believe it?  It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .

 

. . . or his hot older brother . . .

 

. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before.  (Where were they living, all this time?  In an underground tomb?)

TV Prom episodes  are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them.  They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .

“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom.  I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .

. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .

. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .

 

They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .

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Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode.  And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.

Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age.  But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows.  I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .

And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.

In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers.  This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD.  It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.

Let’s review, shall we?

Burning Up for Your Love

“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”

In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .

WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????

At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . .  .

“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”

Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave.  But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!

Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!

OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing  when he died . . . 

Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember.  But where did he get that  jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?

Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now?  Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British?  Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen.  But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before.  So, I’m kind of confused.   Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?

The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .

Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.”  At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical.  But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire.   Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!

Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show.  You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite.  They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .

Dress You Up in My Love

It’s PROM DAY!  And everybody is getting ready.  Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready.  Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .

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And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .

“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”

As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure.  So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other.  This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon .  . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .

“I once ate a baby.  Does that count?”

Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!

So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him.  How precious!  I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .

I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .

However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings.  In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time  . . .

 . . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever.  You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms .  . .

Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity.  Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena.   And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .

There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!

In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping.  And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .

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Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .

It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .

It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels.  So, now, of course,  it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .

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Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . .  (Someone care to explain that one to me?  Was it Silas?)

Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .

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Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .

I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis.  Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .

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As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .

Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast.  But more on that in just a bit . . .

Love the way you lie . . .

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I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized  by a lot of false niceness.  People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous.  Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.

 Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .

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April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!

Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .

Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .

She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .

Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .

She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .

(OK, that part was kind of true.)

Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is  now his Only Living Brother . . .

 . . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .

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In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .

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Personally, I think honesty is overrated.  If  any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday.  Thank you very much . . .

Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .

I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .

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While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .

And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .

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By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie?  He did it as Shane.  He’s doing it as Jeremy.  He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan  . . .

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I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches).  But this kind of seems like more than that.  This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.

I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for.  But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show.  Just my prediction . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot.  This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick.   I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy.  With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .

In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .

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OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud.  I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and  Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely.  All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .

Am I wrong?  Speaking of wrong . . .

Love Hurts . . .

After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .

 . . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)

 . . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers.  It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .

OK.  Let me pause for a moment.  Matt and Bonnie?  What the WHAT?

OK, Matt as Prom King, I get.  Everybody likes Matt.  That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that .  . .

But Bonnie?  Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school?  Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say.  It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .

 . . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.

When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .

But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .

Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall.  Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .

My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .

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Evilena may have no soul.  But no one can say she’s not loyal.  Think about it.  How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .

Also,  let’s face it.  Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!

April just sucks . . . plain and simple.  And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .

So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . .  just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .

Things start to get a little crazy at this point.  This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.

Silas is Damon . . .

 . . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.

Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .

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Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode  (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and  set off car alarms.

But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .

Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?

“That’s me!  That’s me!”

Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again.  And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .

Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .

Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .

Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death.  I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .

We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .

In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .

 . . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”

Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .

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Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?

See you next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

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 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

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Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

ELIJAH . . . .

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

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After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

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As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

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Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

Scared Baby . . .

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

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Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

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Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

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Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

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Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

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Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

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 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

“My precious!”

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

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Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

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(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.

Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.

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She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!

Wait . . . what?

Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One!  I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”

Then, POOF!  All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.

Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!

Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes.  And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.

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Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there.  The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass.  Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!

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The Real Deal

Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine.  But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.

(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER?  A lot has changed since then . . .)

Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena?   She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul!  Now, she’s a total sh*t!

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Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.

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Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her.  What a dirtbag move!

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Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear.  (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.)  But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters.  Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .

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Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus.  And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck.  B*tch had it coming!

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But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!

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To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection.  Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.

Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.

Elijah then reunites with his baby sister.  And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)

Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure.  So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE.  (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine).  Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.

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“Killing random extras on the show?  But that’s our job?”  Damon pouts.

“I know!”  Stefan commiserates.  “Evilena sucks.  Her and I are SO broken up.  It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.

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And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!

Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.

The week after that . . . hiatus.

But after that, this . . .

Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode.  But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom?  Tune in two weeks from now to find out.

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“So what? I’m still a Vampire!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “The Departed”

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“NOT choosing between all these hot vampires, who love me unconditionally, all season was EXHAUSTING.  I need a nap!  Wake me before the final credits roll, OK?”

So what?  I’m still a Rockstar.  I’ve got my rock moves.  And I don’t neeeeed youuuuuu.”

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Pink’s classic single-girl anthem “Rockstar” initially seemed like an odd choice to kick off the Season 3 Finale of The Vampire Diaries.  For one thing, here’s a show that’s made a name for itself by specializing in sad and/or moodily haunting songs, written by virtually unknown artists, just on the cusp of making it big.  Pink is hardly an unknown artist.  And as for moodily haunting, “Rockstar” is probably one of her peppiest ditties to date.

Also, I don’t think there’s a woman on television who’s more patently un-accustomed to the Single Life than Elena Gilbert: She Who is Loved By All. Plus, let’s be honest, I’m kind of shocked they got the rights to play it.

However, in hindsight, the song choice made a lot of sense.  Because while the moody, mopey, perpetually waffling between two vampires, “Everyone around me is dying, let’s paint some walls,” Elena we know and love probably wouldn’t be caught dead (no pun intended) rocking out to anything remotely resembling a dance beat . . .

“Hey!  I resent that!  I do rock out . . . once a season . . . at my school’s annual Bloodbath Prom.   Take that, you mean recapper, you!”

 .  . .  her two-years younger, cheerleading, pony-tail wearing, Matt Donovan-dating, “Nothing bad ever happens in Mystic Falls” self absolutely would!

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And when you think about it, that’s really what “The Departed” was about . . . comparing Elena’s pre and post vampire worlds, and recognizing that they might not be quite as different from one another as we originally thought . . . You know, aside from the whole “Constantly in Danger / On the Verge of Death,” thing . . .

So tighten up your ponytail, hike up your skirt, and take a nice long drive off the very short Wickory Bridge, because it’s time for another TVD-cap .  . .

(Special thanks to my good pal, Andre for providing me with an entire season of the most amazing screencaps ever invented.  If you were a vampire, I’d put your soul into somebody else’s body, so you wouldn’t ever have to croak.  That’s how appreciative I am!)

“Caroline thinks my ponytail lacks zchuzz” (By the way, I must have sat for at least ten minutes, trying to figure out how that word was spelled.)

Like so many episodes of TVD, this one begins with Elena groggily waking up to the sound of her alarm, and undoubtedly looking like she wants to slit her wrist on her bedside table . . . usually because one of her friend’s (or an attractive guest star) died in the previous episode or is destined to die in this one.

“I told you not to wake me until the end credits, DAMMIT!” 

But wait!  Are my eyes deceiving me?  Is our girl Elena actually . . . smiling and bobbing her head up and down to pop music?

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Oh, I get it!  This isn’t regular Elena, it’s her sassy alter ego, Ponytail Elena.   This makes a lot more sense now . . .

But why is she wearing the Glee Cheerios uniform?

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QUINN: “I hate that b*tch.  She stole my man.”

SANTANA: “I hate her too.  She stole my woman.”

BRITTANY: (offscreen) “Unicorn?” 

Clearly, I’ve stumbled into some Alternate Universe Crossover Fanfiction of some sort.  Either that, or this is the start of another . . . wait for it . . . Flashback Episode.

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That’s right, Fangbangers!  Meet Elena Gilbert, the peppy popular high school cheerleader, with the clean-cut jock boyfriend, the twerpy little brother, and two uncommonly hot parents, who both love and support her unconditionally.

“Aren’t you glad both of us will be dead, long before we could ever get wrinkles?”

 I feel like I’ve stumbled into a Tampon Commercial .  . . or one for Teen Spirit Deodorant.  Now, all I need is for Elena to say something like, “At school, I work hard, but I also PLAY HARD!”

ELENA: “Psst . . . Matt, I’m not wearing any underwear under my skirt.”

MATT: “Psst . . . I’m wearing a skirt, under my underwear.”

BONNIE: *judging you*

“Caroline thinks my ponytail lacks schuzz,” Elena pouts, as she walks toward Mystic Falls High with fellow cheerleader Bonnie Bennett.

Matt’s there too, with his varsity jacket,  butterfly kisses, and references to the dreaded L Word.  In short, he’d be the Greatest Boyfriend Ever . . . if his mere presence didn’t seem to put Elena to sleep.

Bonnie chastens Elena for “stringing Matt along,” when it’s quite clear she doesn’t share his feelings for her.  In other words, Bonnie is judgmental in Flashback Land too.  Something NEVER change . . .

“I’m so going to give that Recapper a piece of my migraine!” 

RECAPPER: *takes an Aspirin*

Meanwhile, in the FUTURE . . .

“Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your not being the dumbest brother on Earth?”

Future/Present / Non-ponytail Elena wakes up in a hospital bed after the dramatic, nosebleedy faceplant she did at the end of last week’s episode.

Ahh . .  . waking up miserable.  Now THERE’S the Elena I know and love . . . 

(At this point, Jeremy probably has the ambulance on speed dial.)  Mini Gilbert is understandably concerned about his sister’s newfound tendency to make out with home flooring.  However the Only Doctor in Mystic Falls, Crazy Nanny Carrie, tells him not to worry.   “Just a itsy bitsy concussion . . . nothing to worry about.”

“I’ll just bash her face in with a hammer, like I do all my other patients.  She’ll be good as new in no time.”

Jeremy calls Elena’s two vampire lovers to let them know what went down.  Both Stefan and Damon are absolutely furious with Jeremy for trusting traditional modern medicine.  (Clearly, they must be closet Christian Scientists or something.)

STEFAN: “I think we’ve spent about half the season in this car.”

DAMON: “Tell me about it.  It’s a good thing vampires never have to pee.” 

“Get her out of there,” they exclaim practically in unison, realizing that keeping Elena in a public place makes her a sitting duck for .  . . oh, I don’t know .  .  . EVERY VILLAIN WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THE SHOW, EVER!  (Then again, it’s not like they all don’t know where she lives.)

 

Did I mention that Damon and Stefan are still roadtripping to make Klaus’ body swim with the fishies hide Klaus’ body?  Honestly, in hindsight, I’m kind of glad The Brothers Awesomesauce decided to scrap their original, wetter, plan to dispose of Klaus.  What if Klaus’ dry, flaky, desperately in need of lotion, body was devoured by a hungry shark . . . or a really ambitious school of goldfish?  Then, the whole entire cast would die, and they would have to rename the show “Ghost Diaries.”

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost vamp.”

Upon getting off the phone with Jeremy, Damon, who’s been especially brother-bondy with Stefan lately, praises the latter’s intelligence .  . . or, perhaps more accurately, his lack of utter stupidity. “Have I ever told you how much I appreciate the fact that I don’t have the dumbest brother in the world?” Damon quips.

Awww!  That’s sweet.  You know, it’s really too bad that no one ever decided to make Brother’s Day a national holiday.  Because, that would have made a really great statement for the inside of a Hallmark card.

Back at the hospital, Nouveau Ric has gotten wind of Elena’s whereabouts . . . though he may have had to show some poor lonely EMT his Chunky Monkey to get that information . . .

“My eyes aren’t the only part of me that has vampire compulsion powers.” 

He corners his erstwhile sex buddy Crazy Nanny Carrie and demands that Elena be released to his custody, as her legal guardian.  He also tells her that P.S. she’s fired.  WHAT?  You can’t fire Crazy Nanny Carrie, Alchy Ric!  I told you, she’s the ONLY DOCTOR IN MYSTIC FALLS!

“You can’t fire ME!  I’m Paul Wesley’s wife Meredith Fell!”

Also . . . I hate to break this to you Nouveau Ric but uhhh . . . you’re dead and have no authority whatsoever.

Nevertheless, to add insult to injury, Nouveau Ric quickly locates Crazy Nanny Carrie’s healing vampire blood stash, and DUMPS IT ALL ON THE FLOOR!

“How dare you fill these shot glasses with a non-alcoholic beverage!  That’s just wasteful!” 

Crazy Nanny starts to cry, thus proving she’s not quite the cyborg we always thought she was.

You know I’d have a heck of a lot easier time feeling sorry for the Good Doctor if she didn’t hide her Most Important Medical Miracle, in an UNLOCKED FOOD MINI FRIDGE, right next to her Lean Pockets and Dannon Yogurt Cups.

Honestly, she would have been better off putting it inside her bra or down her pants.  After all, I’d willing to bet that, since Alaric “died,” no one has ventured inside there at all.  Also, not to nitpick (just kidding, I’m totally nitpicking), but did you see how little blood she had left in there?  I’ve had shots of tequila with more total fluid ounces than her entire stash!

Where did this woman go to medical school that she thinks this is an appropriate amount of blood to take from someone? Munchkinland?

Crazy Nanny Carrie’s apparent incompetence aside, by the time Nouveau Ric reaches Elena’s hospital bedside she’s . . . wait for it . . . already long gone.  SURPRISE!

“Nothing wrong with free will!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy and Matt are all babysitting Elena.  Caroline offers the recently concussed and drained of blood tea and vodka to help her sleep.  (Mix in some soda, a little triple sec, and a bit of that tequila she had last night, and she could have a Long Island Iced Tea.  It’s just what the doctor ordered!)

“All the best tea comes from Long Island.” 

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you NOT supposed to sleep when you get a severe brain hemorrhage concussion?  I swear I remember reading that somewhere.  Man, Crazy Nanny Carrie really is the worst doctor ever!

But hey, it isn’t TVD, if Elena isn’t constantly in danger right?  So, sleep again, Elena does.  When she awakens, Caroline and Tyler have left on an emergency call (more on that later), leaving Matt as the soul Mr. Mom of Casa Gilbert. (Jeremy, the “breadwinner” is out getting food.)

With her flashback / dream still fresh in her mind, Elena chooses now to apologize to Matt for sort of/ kind of leading him on when she was 15.  It does seem like a rather odd time for an apology.  And Matt quickly conjectures that this whole conversation really has less to do with Elena’s and Matt’s relationship, than it does with Elena’s and her vampire entourage.

Now, not to bash Elena or anything, but am I the only one who found Elena’s apology a little insulting from Matt’s perspective?  I mean, sure, she used some “nice” words to say it.  But when it came right down to it, wasn’t Elena really telling her ex this:  “I’m sorry I continued to suck face with you, even though you, quite honestly, bored me to tears.  And I had no romantic feelings for you whatsoever.  Now would you mind helping me choose between the two men I REALLY love?”

“You’re right, Recapper!  WTF!  Now I’m pissed.” 

My own interpretations of the situation aside, Matt seemed to take the whole thing quite well . . . acting all “understanding and supportive,” through the whole monologue, until Stefan came bounding through the door, in true “speak of the devil,” fashion.  (Then again, Matt did purposefully drug Elena later in the episode.  So, maybe  just maybe, he wasn’t quite as OK with all this rejection, as he pretended to be . . .)

It looks like Matt might have accidentally drugged himself too . . . 

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Nouveau Ric (for whom this is probably his first time at the bar sober) promptly corners Jeremy.  He then makes a surprisingly convincing case for the latter turning over Klaus’ body, and getting Elena out of dodge for a “Vampire Free Life.”

Super Hero Hair on Super Villain Head

Vampire the Vampire Slayer even volunteers to allow Bonnie to desiccate his body, so that Elena can live out her natural life, and he will no longer be a threat to anyone (Then again, all the IMPORTANT vampires . . . except Elijah and Rebekah . . . will pretty much be dead anyway, so an un-desiccated Nouveau Ric would just be bored).  Jeremy, who’s been becoming more than a bit anti-vampite himself lately,  seems more than a bit receptive to Nouveau Ric’s suggestion.

“You just look so different, Vampire Ric.   Have you gone tanning recently?”

But would he be willing to betray his sister and everyone she loves, in order to accomplish it?  We’ll know soon enough . . .

Back at the Gilbert House, an old familiar friend has stopped by to catch up.  It’s ELIJAH!  And dare I say, he’s looking fabulous . . .

Elijah has come to . . . wait for it . . . make a deal, with the Scooby Gang, in return for Klaus’ body.  Wait a second.  I think I heard this joke before.  And I didn’t particularly like the punchline.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you, Elijah.  You will always be my favorite Original.  But let’s be honest with ourselves.  Your “deals” always SUCK ASS!

“Lunch?”

Damon, who’s been conveniently dialed into the meeting on speaker phone seems to agree with me . . .

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That said, you’ve got to admit that, just like Nouveau Ric, Elijah drives a hard bargain. (Then again, maybe it’s just the hypnotic sound of his super sexy voice that makes me want to just mindless agree with everything he says.)

Elijah offers total and complete protection from ALL the Originals for the rest of Elena’s natural life, and the lives of her children and grandchildren.  (In hindsight, all this talk about Elena’s “natural life” and her “having babies,” were like neon flashing lights over her head that just SCREAMING Soon-To-Be-Vampire.)  Only when Grandkiddy Elena finally croaked would Elijah finally reawaken Klaus.   “You have my word,” he said . . . again.

(Note: If there was ever an Elijah Talking Doll, one of the phrases it would always say, when you pulled the string on it’s back, would be “You have my word,” the others would be, “There is honor in revenge,” “You cannot beat me,” and, my personal favorite, “Hello Elenaaaah.”)

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“It’s a shame you and I never hooked up.  We would have the most polite and sophisticated sex ever.”

Elijah may be winning over his fanbase, but a good percentage of the Scooby Gang is still not down with his plan.  Damon wonders out loud, whether inhaling all the pain fumes last week gave Elena brain damage.  I’ve wondered this about Elena a few times myself.  And Matt, who’s been pretty quiet up until this point, suddenly looks like his eyes are about to pop out of his head, and roll across the kitchen floor, like in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons, when the pretty girl bunny walks by.  “WHY SHOULD SHE TRUST YOU?” He yelps.

“Duuuuuuude . . .” 

Why indeed .  . .

But Elena’s question for Elijah goes a bit deeper than that.  “Why do you want his body, so badly?” She wonders.

“He’s my brother.  We remain together,” Elijah replies matter-of-factly.

Oh, that was smooth, Elijah! You know full well that this crowd can’t turn down a statement of “brotherly love.”

Elena’s heart immediately turns to mush.  She’s blinking a lot, and making googly eyes at her brother.  Before the words, “You have a deal,” come out of Elena’s mouth, we already know that Team Original has won . . . this round, anyway . . .

Later, Jeremy gripes to Stefan about the ridiculousness of Elena’s decision.  Once again, Stefan clearly disagrees with a choice that Elena has made (Heck, everyone in the gang seems to disagree with it, except her and Elijah.). And once again, he says nothing.  Wussy pants  “Nothing wrong with free will,” Stefan explains sagely.  “You’d understand that if you ever had it taken away from you.”

“Anyone have a bib I could borrow . . . or a neck?” 

But Stefan’s been this way, since long before Klaus compelled him to turn on his emotions.  He always seems to blindly go along with Elena’s half-cocked plans, so as to seem agreeable, and not to start a fight with her.  It’s a fundamental difference we’ve seen between Damon and Stefan, one that the two of them discussed briefly back in “The Last Dance” episode,  and will discuss again before the episode is over.

In fact, Stefan willingness to ALWAYS go along with Elena’s wishes literally costs her her life at the end of the episode . . .

I don’t know.  I feel like there has to be a happy medium in relationships between strong arming and bullying your beloved, just because you can, and rolling over and playing dead, every time your better half makes a controversial decision.

To me, the best couples are the ones that fight and duke it out about the things that matter to them most . . . trying to get the other person to see their way, for better or worse.  .

Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.  But not getting your way, is not the same thing as not having free will.  Not by a longshot . . .

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OK, now that I’m off my soapbox, it’s time for some FORWOOD!

“Just you . . . and maybe a curling iron.”

Last week, Nouveau Ric outed Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Lizard Forbes for harboring vampire /hybrid kids.  The heads of the Vampire Killing Council (that never, ever kills any vampires) both breastfed future vampires!  Oooh!  Que Escandalo!  This is some seriously juicy stuff . . . like the Mystic Falls equivalent of a sex tape leaked on YouTube.

“Wait until they find out about our demon baby lovechild . . .”

I found it kind of funny and ironic, how the Mayor and the Sheriff encouraged, even INSISTED that their barely legal children run off together to lord knows where, for a life of nonstop sex, and blood drinking.  I mean, of course, they didn’t want their kids pitchforked by the members of their own town.  But the fact that neither parent even thought to offer to come WITH their kids, was kind of strange, and  a little shocking to me.

“We promise to call you from the road . . . after we’ve robbed a few banks for shopping money.” 

And of course, the newly reunited Forwood pair was just ecstatic about the concept of running away together.  In fact, they barely managed to refrain from ripping one another’s clothes off, while their respective moms were still in the room!

You know, I teased Caroline and Tyler a lot this season, about having a sort of puppy-in-heat-leg-humping relationship . . . lots of hot sex and very little talking, apart from the occasional grunt and growl.

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But these past few episodes, have included a lot of really fun relationship moments for these two!  In short, these horny puppies are growing up . . . though, arguably, in that last scene between them . . . well . . . I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anywhoo, once apart from their parents, Tyler and Caroline begin to chart out their future as Bonnie Vampire and Clyde Hybrid.  They discuss what they need to pack . . . a few clothes and a curling iron.  (Hey, at least won’t need condoms!)  “Let me protect you,” Tyler says, solemnly, grasping his lover by the shoulders.

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But Caroline can’t leave town yet, because she has to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA.

The minute Tyler and Caroline made a pact to meet one another in two hours,  I knew things were about to go south.  I mean, come on you too, don’t you watch TV?  Don’t you know that by planning to meet at some indiscriminate future time, you are pretty much GUARANTEEING that one of you won’t make it?  I mean, let’s face it “I’ll see you in two hours,” is the romantic drama movie equivalent of horror movie classic lines like: “I’ll be right back.”  or “Let’s split up,” or “Come drunk girl with big boobs, let’s go out into the woods and have sex.  It will be FINE!”

Speaking of Best Laid Plans . . .

“You know what else was her idea?  Everything bad EVER!”

Jeremy and Matt, the sole representatives of Team Human, have a little pow wow on the Gilbert Porch.

They discuss the possibility of “going rogue,” and ratting out where Team Scooby buried Klaus.  Shortly thereafter, we see what we THINK is the result of that pow wow, when Jeremy calls Alaric with a location.  “You are doing the right thing for your sister,” Nouveau Ric says, in a voice that’s oddly paternal for a soulless sociopath.

Jeremy agrees, as he hangs up the phone.  Oooh . . . Jer Bear!  Bad Boy!  Judas of the Vampires!

But wait!  The camera just panned back, the whole Scoooby Gang is there.  It was all a trap!  You got me, TVD!  My faith in Team Human has been restored . . . for now, anyway.

Meanwhile, Damon and Bonnie, who have been surprisingly chummy, ever since she gave  the vampire brain freeze, and fed herself to her history teacher, are in a storage locker retrieving Klaus, toasted body, so that they can turn it over to Team Original, as part of the Great Vampire Truce of 2012. Damon gripes to Bonnie about how the rest of the gang is letting this happen AGAIN . . .

 Hey look!  It’s Klaus’ new apartment.  I wonder if he’s going to invite me in?”

“It’s Elena’s call,” Bonnie says diplomatically.

“You know what else is her call?   Everything BAD ever,” Damon quips.

Truer words have never been spoken.

“Yay . . . wait .  . . that was an insult, right?” 

Creepiness ensues, when they open Klaus’ coffin, and his eyes pop open.  Wasn’t expecting that.  All chained up, and pale, Klaus suddenly sort of looks like whatever vampire Johnny Depp is playing in that new movie Dark Shadows.  It’s not a good look for him.

Someone should really consider bringing this coffin to the tanning salon where Nouveau Ric’s been going . . . 

There’s this really weird moment that follows, once Bonnie is left alone with Klaus’ coffin.  She starts talking to him about how he’s very likely the source of the bloodline of all of her vampire friends . . . her mother’s blooline.   “I can’t kill you,” she says morosely.

Later on in the episode, we will learn just how far Bonnie will go to stay true to that statement . . .

“That’s the difference between you and me.”  Oh, and also, I’M AWESOME!

Back at the house, Stefan and Elena are having a moment.  He’s promising to come back to her.  She’s contemplating telling him about her Big Boyfriend Choice.  (Yeah . . . uh . . . Elena, this isn’t really the time for that.  We’ve still got Nouveau Ric problems.)  And yet, for a second, it seems like Elena might be prepping to kick Stefan to the curb.  My Delena heart is beating faster.  I’m excited.

Then Stefan rushes back to her room, and starts kissing Elena.  It’s probably one of the more impulsively passionate things we’ve seen the younger Salvatore brother do all season.  But it hasn’t changed my mind about who Elena should choose, of course.

“Tastes like chicken.” 

Speaking of Damon, he’s waiting outside to have yet another brotherly chat with Stefan.  As I mentioned, this conversation is a kinder gentler echo of the one they had back in “The Last Dance.”  Damon notes that he will always do whatever it takes to keep Elena alive, even if he has to drag her kicking and screaming to her salvation, and even if it makes her hate him.  Stefan . . . well . . . we all know how Stefan feels about this.  “That’s the difference between you and me,” remarks Damon thoughtfully.

That’s not the only difference, Damon . . .

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But it is a BIG difference, one who’s specter promises to haunt Season 4 in a BIG WAY . . .

Beef-jerkified Original

Now, we are back at Save-a-Vampire Storage Center.  Damon is waiting for Rebekah, so that he can hand over Klaus’ crunchy baked tortilla-like torso.  Unfortunately, someone else has crashed their party.  It’s Nouveau Ric!  He breaks Damon’s neck . . . again. Seriously, how many times has this poor guy had his head popped out of it’s socket, this season.  He must be practically a Pez dispenser by now . . .

Eventually Beks does find a now re-necked Damon.  But Nouveau Ric is still on the prowl.  So, Damon does that sexy kidnapper thing, where he wraps his arms around her, and covers her mouth to keep her save.  The fact that I always find this kind of behavior hot, disturbs me.  But hey, at least this time, it’s for a good cause . . .

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Last week, we saw Damon save Bonnie,  despite the fact that she’s often such a crazy b*atch, where he is concerned.  This week, we see him do the same thing for Beks.  It’s noteworthy, especially considering, how, at this point, Damon is pretty sure that he comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which would give him no personal motive for saving Rebekah.  It’s just the nice, Southern Gentleman thing to do . . .

But let’s not get too comfortable, folks.  Because Nouveau Ric has just found Klaus’ coffin.  And he wastes no time, popping it open, and shoving that Big Bad Dagger right in his heart.  It’s kind of a b*tch move, I’m not going to lie.  I mean, if stabbing someone in the back, so they can’t see you coming is cowardly, stabbing them when they are covered in 100 pounds of chain metal is Wuss Incarnate.

Hey look!  It’s a TUMS Antacid commercial.  Product placement anyone?

Still, the shock of seeing Klaus, Big Bad for Two Seasons Now, erupt into flames, without a single villain monologue, or fist-shaking declaration of revenge was probably the most shocking moment of the Season.  Rebekah is inconsolate.  It’s heart-wrenching to watch her like this.  Her history with her brother is complicated.  But, through it all, there was never any question that she loved him deeply.

Damon’s pretty depressed too.  I mean, he saw what happened to Sage, after Finn died.  It certainly didn’t look like a party.  Now, suddenly, he’s gone from the Man with the Plan to Undead Man Walking.

Then Nouveau Ric closes the coffin, without waiting to see if Klaus actually finishes burning.  Nouveau Ric is a MORON . . .  But we like morons on this show.  They keep our heroes alive.

“Sorry . . . I over honeyed.”

Back at the Gilbert house, Elena is still having her extended Golden Girls mini episode with Matt.  Hey Matt, newsflash, the rest of your friends are out fighting vampires, while your home putting too much honey in Elena’s tea.  Don’t look, now. But I think you might have just sprouted a va-jay-jay.

“And afterward, we can paint our toenails, put on mud masks, and sing Katy Perry songs into our hairbrushes!” 

In hindsight, the fact that Elena’s tea tasted crappy was meant to be “foreshadowing.”  But at the time, I was just thinking.

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“This tastes like our relationship.”

What guy puts honey in their tea, in the first place?

Matt, ever the glutton for punishment, wants to know what Elena loves so much about the Salvatores.  We’ve heard this one before.  Stefan makes her feel safe when he’s not threatening to bite her neck,or drive her off the Wickory Bridge.  She met him at a time when she needed him.  She sees their love as something “true and constant.”

Damon, on the other hand, gets under her skin.  When she’s with him, he consumes her.

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Which kind of love would YOU choose?

“You have a beautiful future ahead of you. Me?  Not so much . . .“

It’s angst time, on TVD.  There’s lots of bad news to be spread, and uncomfortable conversations to be had.  Damon calls Stefan with the bad news.  It’s soulful crying all around.  Though both men are a bit confused as to why they aren’t bleeding from the nose or coughing like Rebekah was.  They know that one of them has to break the news to Elena that everyone she ever loved, more or less, might very well croak, within the next hour.  Or WILL they?

Stefan gets the honors, “Say goodbye for me,” Damon says solemnly.

Meanwhile at La Casa de TV Recapper, there’s a whole lot of Ugly Crying, and snotty sobs going on . . .

Over in the Sex Cave, Caroline and “Tyler” reunite.  She’s bawling her eyes out.  “Klaus died,” she sobs.

And we all know what that means for Tyler . . . and possibly Caroline too.  But this isn’t the “Tyler,” we met back in Season 1 (in more ways than one!).  This Tyler isn’t immature, or selfish.  He’s not going to place blame, or break down.  He stays strong for Caroline’s sake.  “You’re going to be fine.”  “Tyler” reassures Caroline. “I’m a lost cause.  But you are strong.  You have a beautiful future ahead of you.”

OK, in hindsight, this was a rather loaded monologue for our Alpha Male.  I never really considered Tyler the kind of guy, who would ever use the word “beautiful,” to describe anything without tits.

In fact, this sounds a lot more like something ANOTHER one of Caroline’s suitors would say . . .

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But in the moment, I genuinely felt the chemistry, the passion, the love, loss and longing of the scene.  It seemed real to me.  So, I ignored the warning signs.  I suspect others did too.  And that Presumed Last Kiss .  . . WHEW! Smokin!  We’ll get back to that a bit later.

Then “Tyler” starts coughing, presumably starting to feel the “death” effects of Klaus’ demise.  But Caroline is just peachy, which undoubtedly causes fans to wonder if her bloodline might have begun with another Original, after all.  Ever the stalwart girlfriend, Caroline is determined to stay by “Tyler’s” side, until his death, just like she did during his first werewolf transformation, nearly a year ago . . .

But in the words of Schmidt from New Girl, Tyler “White Fangs” Caroline by wolfing out on her ass, so that she will leave.

He seems determined to die alone.  Or DOES he?

Meanwhile, Rebekah and Elijah share a quiet tearful embrace over the loss of the brother they’ve known and loved for over 1,000 years, despite his many flaws.  (But wait . . . where’s Kol?)

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After the initial cryfest though, Rebekah and Elijah get down to the brass tacks of Plot Explanation.  They both admit to not being the sires of Scary Mary.  Neither, for that matter is Kol.  So, Klaus is the source of the Salvatore Bloodline after all!  But then why did Tyler “die,” while Caroline and the others are still alive.  The plot thickens . . .

“Maybe, if I met you first.”

More flashbacks . . . Elena’s at a party.  She had a fight with Matt, because she doesn’t want to get married and have babies at age 15!  (See?  I told you he was a woman.)

Speaking of Matt, Elena wakes up in a car next to him . . . destination unknown.  “You drugged me with crappy ass tea,” she says incredulously.

“Is this what you have to resort to in order to get laid these days?” 

“I’m getting you out of Vampire Town, once and for all,” Matt explains, more or less.

Then, they both get the call . . . the Dead Friend call . . . Suddenly, this isn’t just your average kidnapping . . . it’s a mass funeral.  “We have to go back!” Elena proclaims.  (How very Dr. Jack from Lost of her.)

The question is back to WHO?  Damon is back at the Save-a-Vampire-or-Watch-Him-Burn storage site, and Stefan is back home.  Elena has to  . . . wait for it . . . CHOOSE BETWEEN THE BROTHERS.  She calls Damon, to tell him she won’t be seeing him, before he croaks . . . if he croaks.  Ouch!

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But Elena has a good excuse.  Back home she has three-soon-to-be-dead friends: Stefan, Caroline, and Tyler (four, if you count Bonnie’s mom . . . which nobody does).  There, she just has one, super hot vampire lover.

However, Damon isn’t letting her off the hook that easily.  He wants to know what her choice would be, if it wasn’t just a matter of numbers.  She tells him.  Over in La Casa de TV Recapper, shoes, pillows and soda cans are thrown at the television screen.  You’re not going to actually make me say it, are you?

“I love him Damon.  I never unfell for him,” Elena expains.  (Oh, come on!  Un-fell . . . now that’s just bad grammar!)

“I care about you, which is why I have to let you go.  Maybe, if it was you I met first,” she explains, as she hangs up the phone.

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Damon morosely looks up from his own cell phone, and sees Nouveau Ric.  It’s time for another installment of Vampire Fight Club . . .

But wait . . . first Matt has to find out from Elena (who found out from Caroline) that “Tyler” died.  He may be a Golden Girl, but Matt Donovan’s surprisingly attractive cry face broke my heart.  “This isn’t how our lives were supposed to be,” Matt complains.  I agree, Matt!  Elena was supposed to pick Damon.  And you were supposed to NOT DRIVE ELENA OVER THAT DAMN BRIDGE.

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Elsewhere in “Everything is going to Hell Land,” Rebekah unilaterally decides that Klaus’ death means the brokerage of peace between Team Original and Team Regular Average Joe Vampire is officially over.  She vows to avenge her brother’s death, by killing Elena.

“May I wash your windows for a $1.00?” 

But wait . . . check this one out!  A not-so-dead Tyler meets up with Bonnie.  It turns out, he’s not Tyler at all, he’s KlausiTyler, who was conveniently witchily inserted into Real Tyler’s body shortly before that whole “burning thing.”

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Yeah, so remember last week, when Tyler said this . . .

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That didn’t work out so well for him, did it?

I must say, this was pretty clever, as far as plot twists go . . . (not to mention, probably the most daring thing Plot Device Bonnie has done all season). The writers got to keep Klaus as the sire of the Salvatore Bloodline, without actually killing ANY of the main cast.  Also, the fact that we never saw Klaus’ body fully burn, leaves an opening for HIS return as well . . . the question is, who will “Klaus” be when that happens?

Also, this little bit of intrigue just made that seemingly run of the mill, angsty death scene between Caroline and Tyler SOOO MUCH more interesting . . . not to mention slightly creepy.  I mean, after all, what we just witnessed was the first time Klaus and Caroline kissed, and she didn’t even know it was happening!  (Plus, something tells me that Mr. Hornball-My-Character-Never-Gets-Laid-on-this-show Klausityler is going to take a heck of a lot more advantage of this situation, than just kissing Caroline in the coming episodes.)

“Suck on that, Elena!”

So, it’s a win for both Team Klaroline, and Team Forwood!  Speaking of a win for both teams . . .

“You want a love that consumes you.”

Nouveau Ric and Damon are kicking the crap out of one another, just like old times!

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 Damon takes a nap for a little bit, and wakes up in his very own flashback.  We find him lying in the middle of the road in Mystic Falls . . . a tactic we’ve seen him use many times in the past, to get chicks . . . and eat them. 

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He runs into Elena on the road, and, of course, mistakes her for Katherine.

It’s your classic Meet Cute, complete with flirty comments, and a whole lot of Damon’s trademark “Eye Thing.”  Not-Ponytail-Wearing-But-Still-Perky Elena looks like she wants to rip Damon’s clothes off, right there in the road.  So,  of course, the two start talking about Elena’s dreaded soon-to-be ex, and why he isn’t cutting the mustard . . . in the bedroom or otherwise.  “You want a love that consumes you . .  . passion, adventure, danger . . .” in short, everything she has with Damon now . . .

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Then the elder Salvatore Brother compels Elena to forget ever meeting him, promising her that she will get everything she desires, in the future.  And she does . . . well . . . once she gets through that whole, my parents are going to drown in about 10 minutes thing . . .

P.S. Elena met Damon first.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it SUCKAS!

“Glug, Glug, Gurgle, Glug . . . Cough, Cough, GASP!”

Back in real time, Rebekah is standing in the middle of the road, and Matt Donovan, Worst Driver Ever, swerves WAY TOO WIDE to miss hitting her, and sends the car he’s driving with Elena careening into the water below.  (Moron!  She’s a vampire!  Hit her with the friggin car!  It’s not like she’s actually going to die or anything!)

The scene then begins to intercut back and forth, between Stefan’s rescue of Elena, from the backseat of her parents drowning car, and Stefan’s rescue of Elena in present day.  Back then, as we’ve all heard, Elena’s mom died right away.  But Elena’s dad held her hand for one last goodbye.  We also know that Stefan tried to save Elena’s father first.  But he refused to be helped, until Elena was safe on dry land.

Sidenote: This kind of reminds me of that question jealous siblings always ask of their parents.  “If me and [insert sibling name] were both drowning, and you could only save one of us, who would it be.”

“I’d save you both,” the parent inevitably say.

Which we know is something no HUMAN would be able to actually do, if the situation occurred in real life.

HOWEVER, I would argue that Vampire Stefan, totally could have saved both Elena and her father back then . . . and now . . .

Stefan finds himself faced with another’s Sophie’s choice.  Now, Matt’s unconscious.  And it’s Elena who’s refusing to be rescued, until Matt is safe and sound.  Stefan ultimately follows her orders.  He’s her bitch after all.  Damon would’ve probably given her the middle finger under water, and then actually rescued them both .  . . just saying.

But Damon wasn’t there.  So, we have to watch Elena die . . . and we know, for sure, she croaked too, because over at Vampire Fight Club, Nouveau Ric croaks too.

Poor Damon!  Not only is losing his former best friend again, but he’s facing the loss of yet another lover . . . There’s a lot of heartbreak in this episode.

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And there’s about to be more.  Back at home, Jeremy gets a visit from Ric . . . not Nouveau Ric . . . the real one . . . complete with gelled up, Nice Guy hair, and a trademark Chunky Monkey smile.  Upon seeing him, Jeremy comes to the sad realization that his sister is gone.

Alaric promises to look out for Jeremy, so he’ll never be alone.

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It’s a sweet gesture, not to mention the writers clever, if short-handed way of redeeming a character they pretty much made mincemeat of, these past few episodes.  But still  . . . I don’t know . . . would you want a dad-type “looking out” for YOUR every move .  . . watching you sleep . . . and eat . . . go to the bathroom  . . . have sex?

I just totally killed that perfectly nice moment, for you, didn’t I?  Sorry, Alaric!  We’ll miss your well-meaning, but with inappropriate relationships with his students, goofy stalker, ass! 🙂

Back at the hospital, an inconsolable Damon is begging Crazy Nanny Carrie to tell him where Elena’s body can be found.

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It’s then that we find out, what many of us suspected, that Elena’s injuries, from MASSIVE BLOOD LOSS, PAINT FUME INHALATION, AND FACEPLANTING, were way worse than your run-of-the-mill concussion.  Her brain was bleeding (kind of makes Damon’s comments about Elena’s brain damage earlier offensive, doesn’t it), and she needed vampire blood to survive . . .

AKA . . . Elena died with vampire blood in her system . . . AKA the TVD writers just Breaking Dawned Elena Gilbert . . .

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But more importantly, now she’s going to remember all the wonderful things Damon did for her,  that he compelled her to forget.

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Game on Team Delena!  Godspeed Vampire Elena!  Until next season . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Heart of Glass – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset”

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Hey Fangbangers!  So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD.  And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls.  You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die  . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).

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Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead.  (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)

So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem.  We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.

Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”

Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one!  Never have I ever died on this show.”

Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”

Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you!  Everyone drink up!”

(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here.  If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)

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Nothing says loving, like a pony pic!

The Clean-up Crew

The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.

Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!

Oh no!  Not another flashback episode.  I always hate those.  Oh wait . .  . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher.  Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey.  And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.

Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?

Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.

This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . . 

Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us.  It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.”  Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.

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Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?”  If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2.  He even chaperoned the school dance!

Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less!  If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.

“I don’t even really like teaching.  But the benefits are unmatched.  And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”

Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show.  I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart?  Now, that’s dedication!

“Popularity is super important to me.  After all, if I didn’t have friends?  Who would I eat?”

But Rebekah’s not alone.  Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too.  Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!

I’m sorry.  That was politically incorrect.  Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”

Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning.  With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . .  . like, for example, “Golly gee!  I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”

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And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours.  I know you really liked him.  It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”

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You know, the usual sort of chitchat . . .

Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers.  And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.”  (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)

Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.

“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric!  What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”

Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake.  Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight.  This is actually kind of erotic . . .

Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”

Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*

Rebekah: “Hey!  No fair!  You can’t just pull it out like that?  What do you think this is,  the rhythm method?”

Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . .  . at least, not in this episode.  She knows when a fight is hers to lose.  And this one has Death Trap written all over it.  So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it.  (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time.  Hope no one was planning on  using it for. . .  like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open?  Poor Caroline!  It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car.  I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement. 

Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*

Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style.  Ouch!  She’s probably going to feel that in the morning.  While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness.  Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch!  The Prom Queen title is MINE!”

“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?

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Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?

Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you!  You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight.  (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them.  NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.

“Snookie and the Situation lied.  Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”

But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan.  Super Villain FAIL!

Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”

“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”

Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green.  (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric!  Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot.  I hope you are proud of yourself.)

If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes,  he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.

Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon.  To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear!  Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.

“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”

(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not.  After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely.  I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you.  I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)

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Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.

“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.

(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires .  . . unless he watches True Blood.)

Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements.  (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan!  You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of:  “Vampires suck.  I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)

“I know . . . it’s just .  . I just finished watching The Notebook again.  And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”

This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life.  Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door.  Surprise!  It’s the other man in her life . . .  some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)

Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later.  This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.

Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side  . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.

And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .

So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead.  The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead.  Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang  . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye.  Next week, it will be Klaus’ again .  . . oh . . . wait .  . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena.  How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)?  Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider.  After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?

And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore.  He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?

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Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub.  Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are.  They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back.  Unacceptable!

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Sorry Rebekah!  Hybrids, for the win.  It looks like you will be leaving this sorry ass, one-bar, town alone . . .

Klaus Mikaelson . . . Worst . . . Paperboy . . . EVER!

Oh Klaus . . . sketcher of smiley ponies . . .

.  . . painter of poop . . .

It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass.  And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy.  “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .

 . . . annnnnd then Klaus died.

Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena.  The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school.  To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people .  . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her.  Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”

“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone?  TV Recapper?  DELETE!”

Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house.  This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally.  And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . .  He throws a temper tantrum.

Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to  . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows?  Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.

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Suddenly, the Original Hybrid is chucking newspapers, soccer balls, pieces of white picket fence . . . anything he can get his hands on  . . .

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 . . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all.  It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!

I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house.  As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this?  Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway.  (Maybe Klaus ate them?)

Or Stefan . . .

Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games.   After all, they all want the same girl, right?  They might as well work together to get her back.

“B*tch PLEASE!”

Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer.  In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag.  “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.

“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.

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Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too.  He’s SO in!

The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it?  More on that, in a little bit . . .

Teacher’s Pet

That Nouveau Ric!  He’s such a sweetie.  Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena.  The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101.  Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.

Oh, Alaric.  You really haven’t thought this one through.  How is she supposed to take notes?

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Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more.  In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic.  But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories.  He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.

In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster.  Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.

“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric!  So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”

But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.

Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .

The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy

Surprise!  At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric.  Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.

The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.

Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby.  And I would have much rather her stayed GONE.  That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house .  . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires.  Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.

Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena).  And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . .  like Abby.

Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died .  . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell!   It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and .  . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny.   In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child.  It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”

Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say.  “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina.  It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.

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Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t.  But hey!  If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.

It’s settled them!  Black magic and veiny face be damned.  Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”

Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

But here’s a question:  what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily,  for the love of one teenage girl.  Do you even have to ask?  It’s Mini Gilbert of course.  (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women.  Life just isn’t fair.)

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Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS.  Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!

Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien?  There’s an app for that!

In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .

Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .

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 . . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.

Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.

But worry not, because hope is not yet lost.  Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.

It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .

The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.

Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals.  So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too.  In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest.  Problem solved  . . .Elena has been saved . . .  again . . . crisis averted, right?

WRONG!

Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!

We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now.  Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him.  So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids?  Apparently, not so much, anymore!  All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.

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But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue.  So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more.  DAMON!  DAMON!  IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!

Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet.  Actually she does answer Klaus’s question.  Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .

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Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact.  Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited.  But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right?  And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?

Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore.  So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend!  Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.

“Now, I’m gay for Damon!  Sorry!”

 And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.

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In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!

Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)

Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy.   This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.

“Need   . . . Botox . . . now.”

Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right?  Apparently not.  Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me.  I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .

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Temporarily Murdering Jeremy > vibrator

Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  EW!  I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).

Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them.  Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan.  It was both sad, and sexy at the same time.  And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.

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Still . . .  eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.

Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!

“Oh Bonnie.  I had the most awful dream.  You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”

But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body.  (Oh honey,  we saw your O-face.  Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)

When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.

The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew

At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her.  But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them.  DAMON!  DAMON! DAMON!

They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.

In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena.  I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS!  I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.

It never happened.  And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.

Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.

Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”

At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”

But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake.  “And hey,” Damon adds.  “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”

Good old Damon.  Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies.  That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?

It’s a CELEBRATION!

It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD.  But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.

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Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice.  But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade!  No sir!

And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls,  Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.”  Now, it’ just a hunch.   But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME!  (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons  . . .)

In more bad news . . .

So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls.  A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender.  Well, this can’t be good . . .

“Don’t call it a nosebleed.  Call it a Blood Mustache.”

That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy.  The doppelganger LIVES!

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And I have proof!

Here  . . .

Here . . .

And here . . .

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The “Save Elena” Games . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “All My Children”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD.  And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love,  honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity,  freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl.  She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.  And that girl, of course, was  . . . Elena Gilbert.  Isn’ it always?

So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games  TVD-cap . . .

Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .

The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear.  Hmmm . . .  that teddy bear looks very familiar.  Where have I seen it before?

Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉  Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely.  And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.

“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’

Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone.   And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie!  We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.

“No more phone sex for you, Buster!  (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)” 

Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?

Nahh  . . . I didn’t think so .  . .

Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).

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“Oh hey, Elena!  You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”

Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities.  She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around.  Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap.  Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .

But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood.  Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.

She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies.  As it turns out?  Not so much . .

“There’s more where she came from!”

You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena?  Stefan.

(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice.   And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)

 At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*

The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”

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Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever  . . .

As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done.  “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.

But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.”  It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature.  So, instead of high fiving,  Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.

(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement.  Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)

Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.

What?  Elena?  Ruin plans?  NEVER!

Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .

Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house.  So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense.  Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet.  To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth   . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.

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Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .

Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly?  But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet.  He still has THIS to say . . .

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 I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor.  TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes .  . . 😉

With Kol and Klaus out of the house,  Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual .  . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats.  Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this.  Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.

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Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face.  (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.)  So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .

Tales of a Vampire Gigolo

Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women.  You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . .  Well played, Damon.  When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls.  You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .

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Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell.  But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.

That’s better!

Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch  to kill all her kids that very night.   Ruh-roh!  Talk about burying the lead!

Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.  I disagree.  And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .

“Are you there, Elena?  It’s me, Elijah!”

Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane.  (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?)  As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time.  They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.

This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat.  But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.”  and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”

 “That’s not going to work!”

It works like a charm!

The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering,  quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands.  She confesses everything.  “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.

“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.

One word: HOT!

The battle lines are drawn

While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing.  He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted.  (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . .  perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)

The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another.  Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉

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Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer.  (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.)  Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point.  His lady love is missing.  And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family.  She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna.  Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch.  It’s all highly unpleasant.  But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.

“Just nod and smile, baby.  Just nod and smile.” 

Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing.  What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms.  After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her.  The plan?  Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.

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Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests.  Anything for Elena!  (Man, how many times has THIS happpened!  For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)

Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern.  Hurry up, Salvatores!  Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!

Speaking of balls . . .

The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist

The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one.  Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark.  Caroline, of course,  gets Klaus.  But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls.  Though, I guess  the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.

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Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie.  “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.

First his teeth, now his liver.  I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.”  Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)

This is Kol . . . 

When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely.  *insert whipping sound*

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 “Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.

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But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark.  In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:

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Back in the bar,  Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.)  So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  It’s like a game of Clue!

All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead .  . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache.  But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger.  Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt.  So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.

A scuffle ensues, and Kol  is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals.  Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head.  He probably would have gotten much worse.  But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand.  i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.

The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .

Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .

Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt.  The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it,  while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals.  (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.)  Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .

Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.”  Neither one wants to do it.

 

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But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts.  They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse.  We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.

Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans.  But really, the Originals should be expecting this.  After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once.  The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores.  Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?

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Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena.  But then, in a surprise move,  Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because  . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.

In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing.  “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.

Oh, silly Original Mother?  Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches?  I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon .   . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.

Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air.  But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?

The Aftermath . . .

Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend.  (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!)  Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship.  She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold.  So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses.  How sweet!

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Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire.  (Grams would have hated that!)  And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result.  (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . . 

Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too.  Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉

“What are you wearing?” 

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss.   There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena.  On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying.  On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”

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Now, with this, I agree.   Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original.  Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive.   And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.

Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge.  He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return.  But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with,  in the first place.  And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .

At least, I hope so . . .

In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake.  Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her.  Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion.  How adorable!  Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .

Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse.  There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually.  So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂  He’s still super pretty though!

Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist.  This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .

Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE except, perhaps, Alaric.

In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons.   “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.

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Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer.  But that would just be too easy.  As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time.  That remains to be seen.  But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .

Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .

But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?

And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls forever]