OMG, Fangbangers! It’s Senior PROM TIME! Can you believe it? It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .
. . . or his hot older brother . . .
. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before. (Where were they living, all this time? In an underground tomb?)
TV Prom episodes are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them. They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .
“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom. I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .
. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .
. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .
They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .
Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode. And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.
Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age. But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .
And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.
In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .
Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers. This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD. It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.
Let’s review, shall we?
Burning Up for Your Love
“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”
In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .
WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????
At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . . .
“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”
Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave. But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!
Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!
OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing when he died . . .
Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember. But where did he get that jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?
Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now? Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British? Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen. But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before. So, I’m kind of confused. Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?
The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .
Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.” At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical. But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire. Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!
Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show. You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite. They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .
Dress You Up in My Love
It’s PROM DAY! And everybody is getting ready. Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready. Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .
And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .
“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”
As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure. So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other. This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon . . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .
“I once ate a baby. Does that count?”
Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!
So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him. How precious! I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .
I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .
However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings. In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time . . .
. . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever. You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms . . .
Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity. Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena. And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .
There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!
In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping. And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .
Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .
It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .
It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels. So, now, of course, it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .
Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . . (Someone care to explain that one to me? Was it Silas?)
Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .
Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .
I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis. Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .
As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .
Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast. But more on that in just a bit . . .
I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized by a lot of false niceness. People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous. Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.
Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .
April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!
Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .
Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .
She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .
Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .
She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .
(OK, that part was kind of true.)
Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is now his Only Living Brother . . .
. . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .
Personally, I think honesty is overrated. If any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday. Thank you very much . . .
While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .
And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .
By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie? He did it as Shane. He’s doing it as Jeremy. He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan . . .
I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches). But this kind of seems like more than that. This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.
I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for. But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show. Just my prediction . . .
Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot. This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick. I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy. With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .
In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .
OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud. I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely. All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .
Am I wrong? Speaking of wrong . . .
Love Hurts . . .
After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .
. . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)
. . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers. It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .
OK. Let me pause for a moment. Matt and Bonnie? What the WHAT?
OK, Matt as Prom King, I get. Everybody likes Matt. That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that . . .
But Bonnie? Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school? Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say. It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .
. . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.
When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .
But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .
Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall. Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .
My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .
Evilena may have no soul. But no one can say she’s not loyal. Think about it. How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .
Also, let’s face it. Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!
April just sucks . . . plain and simple. And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .
So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . . just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .
Things start to get a little crazy at this point. This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.
Silas is Damon . . .
. . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.
Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .
Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and set off car alarms.
But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .
Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?
“That’s me! That’s me!”
Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again. And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .
Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .
Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .
Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death. I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .
We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .
In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .
. . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”
Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .
“Oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town. Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”
It’s Christmas, Fangbangers! Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. Unless you live in Mystic Falls. In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here. Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps. And it still makes me cry . . .]
I concur Damon. I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . . Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them. Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .
Yes, I went there. I titled this section “Wanna Come?” And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.
In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene. Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .
Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed. Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it. Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies. Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!
Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable. I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.
Whereas, in the previous episode, we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .
Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing. You know what I say to that? “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what. Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?
Here’s an idea, Damon. You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would. You already FEEL guilty. So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?
It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure. It also might be more fun for us to watch. But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .
“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .
Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.
“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .
WE DO! WE DO! Except you two aren’t letting us! Such teases!
It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.
Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop . . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake. Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . . Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age. You know, like them . . .
Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers. And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .
Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure. It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before. But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while. And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .
Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection. Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.
“Dear Lover. If you are reading this, it means you killed me. So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”
Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.
I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . . Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .
Same difference I guess. But hey, it could be worse. Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.
Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .
The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr
After you’ve been dating someone for awhile, you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies. Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .
“I’m not angry! What would make you think I’m angry?”
And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.
“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this? I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”
*whistles uncomfortably*
I don’t know. I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it? (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.) Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things? This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .
Just saying . . .
Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days. Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate. Yes, fangbangers. Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr. But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .
Speaking of dumbasses . . .
Have wood, will thrust . . .
OK, so let me get this straight. You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.
You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill, so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her. While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor. And he’s bored.
Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister. You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.
You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .
“Ooh what a feeling! When we’re dancing on the ceiling . . .”
You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.
I mean, you could really do anything. The world is your proverbial oyster. But, you know what I wouldn’t do? I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .
Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show? Well, they used it this week! Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .
Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?
ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft. What kind of lotion do you use?”
JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”
“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”
Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat. And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good. Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?
Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies. He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires. So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.
Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing. After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance. So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him. That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .
And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored. Thank you very much.
Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point. I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna, Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games. Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault. But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .
And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy. Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.
Oh gross! I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .
“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work. You’re still here.”
But hey! Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck. So, progress?
JEREMY: *think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*
ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch. I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”
JEREMY: “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake. Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”
But you know who ISN’T making progress?
BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.
Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year. But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time. That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!
Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .
That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy! And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.
It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses. He tells Elena he’s setting her free.
He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.
And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion. I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy. And I didn’t like it happening here. In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled. He felt he was setting them free. But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do. We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.
We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.
I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing. And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time. I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan. And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break. He deserves it . . .
Meanwhile, back home . . .
Mama Don’t Preach . . .
Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week. So, we’re supposed to be nice to her. But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus. And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”
“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”
REALLY? Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.
Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.” Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!
What’s worse? Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP. Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years. With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?
“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you. At least he never gives his father any lip.”
I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.
Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle. So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately. (More on that later.)
Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.
That’s right, Fangbangers. It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE. You know . . . so he can save Elena from loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.
In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.” While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .
. . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.
Of course, Stefan can’t find it. This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff. Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.
So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM. And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.
Then again, maybe not . . .
Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory. Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight. Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.
“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.
Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s. Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware? I wonder . . .
News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword. Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body. Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy . . . well . . . almost everyone.
Now, this is where things get confusing. You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting. On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead. But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE. Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .
You re-killed Caroline! You bastard!
I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap. Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom. RUDE! She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .
Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed. “But you were dead. You had no pulse,” she whines.
Maybe next time, April . . .
Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring? OOPS!
In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”
Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”
However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls. And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.
“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”
As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains. (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)
Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.
To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.
But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .
Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .
Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away. Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him. As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.
But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . . So, it’s totally justified.
Yes, I AM kidding. But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets. It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.
“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”
Kung Fu Hybrid 2 . . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .
P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones. After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”
Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal. And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.
Bummer . . .
Speaking of bummers . . .
Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .
I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls. On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes. On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures. This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372. Weird . . .
Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi. His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye. So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit . . . concerned about the whole situation.
I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately. Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?
I don’t know. Maybe she was too drunk, or something. Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life. “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.
As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.” Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.
Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go. But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your “maker.” R.I.P. Mama Lockwood. We barely knew ye. But hey, look on the bright side! At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!
“Dammit! I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”
On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!
Hey Fangbangers! So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD. And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls. You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).
Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead. (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)
So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem. We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.
Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”
Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one! Never have I ever died on this show.”
Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”
Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you! Everyone drink up!”
(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here. If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)
The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.
Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!
Oh no! Not another flashback episode. I always hate those. Oh wait . . . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher. Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey. And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.
Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?
Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.
This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . .
Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us. It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.” Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.
Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?” If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2. He even chaperoned the school dance!
Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less! If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.
“I don’t even really like teaching. But the benefits are unmatched. And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”
Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show. I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart? Now, that’s dedication!
“Popularity is super important to me. After all, if I didn’t have friends? Who would I eat?”
But Rebekah’s not alone. Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too. Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!
I’m sorry. That was politically incorrect. Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”
Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning. With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . . . like, for example, “Golly gee! I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”
And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours. I know you really liked him. It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”
Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers. And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.” (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)
Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.
“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric! What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”
Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake. Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight. This is actually kind of erotic . . .
Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”
Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*
Rebekah: “Hey! No fair! You can’t just pull it out like that? What do you think this is, the rhythm method?”
Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . . . at least, not in this episode. She knows when a fight is hers to lose. And this one has Death Trap written all over it. So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it. (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time. Hope no one was planning on using it for. . . like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open? Poor Caroline! It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car. I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement.
Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*
Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style. Ouch! She’s probably going to feel that in the morning. While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness. Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch! The Prom Queen title is MINE!”
“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”
Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?
Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you! You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight. (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them. NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.
“Snookie and the Situation lied. Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”
But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan. Super Villain FAIL!
Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”
“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”
Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green. (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric! Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot. I hope you are proud of yourself.)
If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes, he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.
Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon. To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear! Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.
“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”
(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not. After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely. I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you. I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)
Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.
“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.
(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires . . . unless he watches True Blood.)
Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements. (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan! You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of: “Vampires suck. I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)
“I know . . . it’s just . . I just finished watching The Notebook again. And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”
This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life. Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door. Surprise! It’s the other man in her life . . . some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)
Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later. This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.
Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.
And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .
So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead. The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead. Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye. Next week, it will be Klaus’ again . . . oh . . . wait . . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena. How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)? Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider. After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?
And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore. He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?
Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub. Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are. They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back. Unacceptable!
It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass. And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy. “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .
. . . annnnnd then Klaus died.
Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena. The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school. To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people . . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her. Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”
“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone? TV Recapper? DELETE!”
Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house. This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally. And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . . He throws a temper tantrum.
Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows? Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.
. . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all. It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!
I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house. As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.
Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this? Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway. (Maybe Klaus ate them?)
Or Stefan . . .
Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games. After all, they all want the same girl, right? They might as well work together to get her back.
“B*tch PLEASE!”
Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer. In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag. “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.
“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.
Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too. He’s SO in!
The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it? More on that, in a little bit . . .
Teacher’s Pet
That Nouveau Ric! He’s such a sweetie. Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena. The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101. Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.
Oh, Alaric. You really haven’t thought this one through. How is she supposed to take notes?
Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more. In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic. But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories. He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.
In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster. Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.
“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric! So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”
But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.
Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .
The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy
Surprise! At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric. Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.
The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.
Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby. And I would have much rather her stayed GONE. That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house . . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires. Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.
Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena). And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . . like Abby.
Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died . . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell! It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and . . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny. In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child. It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”
Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say. “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina. It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.
Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t. But hey! If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.
It’s settled them! Black magic and veiny face be damned. Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”
Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
But here’s a question: what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily, for the love of one teenage girl. Do you even have to ask? It’s Mini Gilbert of course. (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women. Life just isn’t fair.)
Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS. Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!
Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien? There’s an app for that!
In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .
Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .
. . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.
Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.
But worry not, because hope is not yet lost. Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.
It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .
The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.
Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals. So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too. In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest. Problem solved . . .Elena has been saved . . . again . . . crisis averted, right?
WRONG!
Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!
We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now. Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him. So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids? Apparently, not so much, anymore! All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.
But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue. So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more. DAMON! DAMON! IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!
Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet. Actually she does answer Klaus’s question. Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .
Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact. Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right? And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?
Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore. So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend! Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.
“Now, I’m gay for Damon! Sorry!”
And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.
In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!
Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)
Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy. This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.
“Need . . . Botox . . . now.”
Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right? Apparently not. Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me. I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .
Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever. EW! I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).
Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them. Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan. It was both sad, and sexy at the same time. And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.
Still . . . eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.
Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!
“Oh Bonnie. I had the most awful dream. You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”
But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body. (Oh honey, we saw your O-face. Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)
When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.
The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew
At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her. But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them. DAMON! DAMON! DAMON!
They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.
In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena. I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS! I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.
It never happened. And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.
Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.
Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”
At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”
But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake. “And hey,” Damon adds. “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”
Good old Damon. Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies. That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?
It’s a CELEBRATION!
It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD. But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.
Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice. But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade! No sir!
And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.” Now, it’ just a hunch. But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME! (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons . . .)
In more bad news . . .
So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls. A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender. Well, this can’t be good . . .
“Don’t call it a nosebleed. Call it a Blood Mustache.”
That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy. The doppelganger LIVES!
[Greetings, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars Fans! I know I owe you all two recaps today. Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather last night. However, I hope to get both recaps out to you by early January 18th (all fingers crossed). This means my Glee-cap should arrive by January 19th. Sorry about the delay. And thank you for being patient!]
BONNIE: “Make a wish, Caroline.”
CAROLINE: “I wish to get more action than Elena, this year.”
“Nice, Caroline! I thought we were friends. Do the words, ‘three seasons of virtual celibacy’ mean anything to you?”
Greetings Fangbangers! I’m going to admit that some very strange things happened to me during this episode . . . things I never thought would happen, ever . . . Here they are, in no particular order:
(1) Bonnie, as per usual, was judgmental toward Elena, about something she did last week. And I AGREED WITH BONNIE!
(2) Matt Donovan actually made me smile. (This hasn’t happened, since he got high, back in “The Birthday.” Perhaps, I only like Matt when he’s wasted . . .)
(3) Elena refused a second kiss from Damon, and I was totally OK with it. (BECAUSE, NEXT TIME, SHE’S GOING TO KISS HIM, INSTEAD!)
(4) I found myself incredibly turned on by a (sort of) love scene between Caroline, and someone who wasn’t Tyler . . .
Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us . . .
Also this week, I found myself, at various points during the episode, seriously questioning the respective motivations of Stefan, Klaus, and Tyler.
Are these men behaving out of self-interest, genuine concern for their lady friends, or, in the case of Tyler, a slighty modified version of compulsion? Also, would they all have been better off keeping their hands (and teeth) to themselves?
All in all, it was a very intriguing episode . . . one I very much look forward to “biting into” with you, right now . . .
(By the way, special thanks to Andre, for providing me some seriously amazing screencaps for this episode. I just wish we had a TVD tumblr, so that I can share them all with you.)
“I will not imagine Damon naked. I will not imagine Damon naked . . . I will not . . .”
“Dammit!”
So, Fangbangers, have you ever been really horny stressed out? Do you sometimes find yourself with so much excess desire and sexual energy, you simply must find someone to bone some way to release it? I have. And whenever I feel this way, I tend to GO BONE DAMON SALVATORE, THIS INSTANT, ELENA! do one of two things . . .
(1) workout my frustrations with some good old-fashioned humping physical exertion; or
(2) get naked cool off in a nice, refreshing shower.
When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense that Elena ended up doing the former, especially, in light of her recent epic porch smooch with Damon.
It’s also no surprise that, Damon did the latter. (After all, let’s face it, it’s been WAY TOO LONG, since we got to see Mr. Smoulderhotter NAKED!)
I’ve never been so envious of a towel, in my entire life.
I mean, Damon’s always been known to be quite the suds-loving dude . . . He takes his personal hygiene VERY seriously . . .
And . . . now, I’m jealous of the shower head . . .
After three seasons of angst, and unrequited love, the elder Salvatore Brother has FINALLY unburdened himself to Elena. He’s exposed himself to her, in the rawest, most personal way, and SHE reciprocated!
It was everything he dreamed about. And he’s totally satisfied with how it all turned out.
Elena, on the other hand, is CONFUSED, not to mention SERIOUSLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. It’s as if, through that kiss, Damon transferred years of horny angst, unrequited love, and giddy confusion from his shoulders onto her own . . .
The only way to release that tension will be for Elena to similarly unburden herself. But, until she does that, something tells me she’s going to be thinking about that kiss for a VERY, VERY long time . . .
“Have you talked to Damon, today?” Elena asks Alaric apprehensively, as she thrusts her body into that big sweaty hunk of punching bag. (It’s a surprisingly girly comment, coming from our new warrior princess . . . Suddenly, she’s a preteen again, asking her best friend, if he thinks her crush likes her.)
Alaric clearly suspects something is going on between his surrogate kid, and his bromantic buddy, but, fortunately knows when to leave well enough alone . . .
“She could beat me up, for sure.”
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan also might suspect that Damon’s gotten some tongue action (among other things), when the latter saunters out of his shower, naked except for a towel, looking surprisingly peppy, not to mention cocky as hell.
But if you were hoping for a brotherly bonding / gossip session over the brother’s mutual Gal Friday, you will end up being sorely disappointed. Stefan, who, by the way, hasn’t been laid in AGES . . .
“Rub it in, why don’t ya?”
. . . is all business. He wants the two of them over at Institution for Dead Witches on the Rag, ASAP, so that the pair can discuss Operation Kill Klaus.
As douchetastic and cold as Stefan has been, of late (He also seems to be wearing a heck of a lot more guyliner, since he went over to the dark side.), it was kind of fun to see the Salvatore Brothers back to their old schemes, and sibling banter. We haven’t seen that from them, in a while . . .
Knock, Knock . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 1)
Knock, knock . . .
Who’s there?
Heartless Hybrid . . .
Heartless Hybrid who . . .
Oh crap!
Despite the fact that there are three other unopened coffins in our midst (one of which contains Elijah and his awesome hair) . . .
. . . everyone only seems interested in that Mystery One . . .
“What are we? Chopped liver?”
We find Bonnie at the Institution, doing her own version of Bibbity Bobbity Boo over it . . .
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why doesn’t she try to light the coffin on fire, or give it a headache, like she used to do to Damon . . .
(only without the nosebleeds . . . Have we completely forgotten about the nosebleeds, writers?) to no avail.
That’s right, Bonnie. I’m never letting you live this down . . .
Later, Damon tries to bash it in with a crowbar. That’s more like it. I’m just waiting for a Batsh*t Crazy Stefan to come at the thing with an electric chainsaw. Now, THAT would be awesome . . .
But, suddenly, just as Bonnie finishes her silly little rhyme, and Damon and Stefan reach the doorway to the Institution, the coffins disappear (What a clever little security system those witches have set up!) Damon rushes inside to warn Bonnie. Then, he and Stefan tag team and promptly de-heart our first anonymous hybrid victim of the evening.
Man, is it just me, or are these hybrids incredibly lame?
I don’t know, Klaus. Maybe they get that from their mom’s side of the family? But it seems to me like some of the Season 1 vampires, were about ten times more difficult to kill than these supposed Lean, Mean, Killing Machines . . .
Part vampire . . . part werewolf . . . ALL LOSER?
“These hybrids are really bringing the neighborhood down,” snarks Damon, as he tosses the bloody heart on the floor.
No wonder he showers so much . . .
Correction: They WOULD be bringing the neighborhood down, if any of them were actually smart enough to survive longer than five minutes to do it . . .
A Very, Very Un-Birthday to YOU!
“I was originally going to write the letters in my own blood, but thought that might be inappropriate.”
Over at school, Elena and Bonnie are busy decorating undead birthday girl, Caroline’s locker, when Elena announces that she has a confession to make. “I kissed Damon, and it was so hot I nearly orgasmed, right there on my porch. I’m so horny right now I could SCREAM. Jeremy’s leaving Mystic Falls, because I made Damon compel him to do so,” she admits, more or less.
The look on Bonnie’s face, when she hears this, is just FILLED with judgment. Can you imagine what her face is going to look like, when she learns Damon and Elena are boning?
She knows her ex would never willingly leave his family to battle evil, while he scurried off to someplace “safe.” And she also knows how much Jeremy always hated the way everyone, especially his sister, always treated him like a toddler, and never let him play in any Scooby Games. But, as angry as she is, Bonnie doesn’t say anything . . . yet.
Instead, she goes and asks Jeremy about why he’s leaving. And when he provides her with the stock, Stepford Husband, compulsion response with which Damon has provided him, she gives him this smirk that says, “You are acting like a such a brainwashed tool, right now. And you don’t even know it.”
For a second, it seems like Bonnie just might have gotten through to Jeremy. But then he sees a shiny object (Ghost Anna?), and completely forgets that she exists. Sorry, Bonster. You may be right about this one. But your ship has definitely sailed . . .
“I’m sorry. Damon has also compelled me to forget the name of that witch I used to screw.”
Meanwhile, an unusually Mopey Caroline arrives at school to find Tyler waiting for her in the parking lot.
“I could always ‘accidentally’ run him over with my car . . .”
I know girls like Caroline. Under normal circumstances, she’d probably show up to school on her birthday, wearing a tiara, a gold sequined dress, and a big button that says, “F*&k Kiss me, I’m a year older.”
“When I open my eyes, I better see lot of expensive presents in front of me, or else!”
But our girl Caroline has changed, in more ways than one, since last year. And the sight of her erstwhile beau isn’t making things any easier on her.
Speaking of subdued, the events of the past week seem to have finally gotten it through Tyler’s thick (but still adorable) hybrid skull that being “Gay for Klaus” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He apologizes profusely to Caroline for no longer being able to put her first, given how demanding his new lover happens to be. Then, he sweetly slips an adorable silver charm bracelet into her hand, wishes her happy birthday, and exits stage left . . .
As the couple talk, there’s some song playing in the background, in which the lyrics repeat, “It’s over,” over and OVER again. And there’s just something about it that really makes me want to break something.
Many fellow TVD fans have often complained about the LOUDNESS of the show’s background music. But this was the first time it TRULY bothered me . . . like a too-loud laugh track, over a part of a sitcom that wasn’t particularly funny . . .
“Turn the music down, dammit, I’m trying to hear FORWOOD!”
All this angst and pedantic music quickly become too much for Caroline. So, her and her plaid Catholic School Girl Skirt both decide to take a sick day . . .
How very Britney Spears, circa 1998 . . .
When, she arrives back at her house, however, Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there waiting for her. (Did they all call in sick too?)
How many high school boys do you know who would willingly wear a bubble gum pink dunce cap?
They’ve planned a tequila campfire party in her honor. But Caroline, as we know, isn’t in a celebrating mood. “[My birthday, this year] is just a reminder that I’m dead,” she gripes. “I’m stuck in a filler year,” Vampire Barbie adds about her “forever 17” status.
(I don’t know about 17 being a filler year, per se. At least you can get your driver’s license, over and over again!)
But worry not, Caroline fans. Because Elena Gilbert, Therapist to Vampires, knows exactly the kind of party that Caroline needs . . .
A Very Klefan Breakup (a.k.a Funeral 2)
Speaking of vampires who are desperately in need of both therapy and sex, it seems Klaus has crafted a comfy new coffin for his re-daggered sister, Rebekah (or, perhaps, he saved the old one . . . knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d get sick of his sister, and need it again).
He tells Punky She-Hybrid to “Show Rebekah to her room,” while lovingly caressing the coffin. And, for a moment, I’m reminded of that movie where Ryan Gosling started having intimate conversations with, and eventually, if I recall, marrying, a life-sized female doll . . .
But before Punky She-Hybrid can give Coffin Number 1, the grand tour of the Original Hybrid Suite, Stefan magically appears . . . (because, apparently, this is a day for Reunions with Ex-Boyfriends).
Klaus’ eyes light up when he sees his Steffypoo. And for a moment, I think the ancient vampire truly believes that the two of them are about to kiss and have sex make up.
But before Klaus and Stefan can continue their weekly weiner-measuring contest, Stefan has some grievances to air about their relationship, “friends don’t strip friends of their free will,” whines Stefan, of Klaus’ Very Bad Boyfriend decision to render him a virtual zombie for three or four episodes.
“Must . . . eat . . . braaaaaiiiiins.”
To Klaus’ credit, he actually apologizes for this. “I know that was extreme, but I can get a bit moody sometimes,” says the guy who has a habit of KILLING his relatives, for fun. “I was hoping [now that all that is over and done], that we could pick up right where we left off,” he coos, the sexual suggestiveness of his statement, fairly clear, as he winks at his boy toy, and blows kisses in his direction.
But Stefan’s not giving in so easily, nor is he swayed, by Klaus’ decision to play the “Brother Card.” In fact, Stefan’s SOOOO not down with the idea of a Klefan reunion that he CHOPS OF PUNKY SHE-HYBRID’S HEAD!
So, remember back when Stefan used to eat people’s heads off, and then glue them back on, because he felt bad about it? Apparently, neither does he . . .
And another one bites the dust . . .
I love how the decapitated body just stood there, for about three seconds, before finally crumbling to the ground.
For those of you keeping track at home, out of Klaus’ merry band of hybrids, we now have two, without hearts, and two without heads. Now, we just need some arms, legs, and torsos, up in this joint. And we could have ourselves a mean game of Hangman!
But alas, Klaus decides to burn Punky She-Hybrid’s head, in all it’s stylish Angry Girl Band-loving glory. This to me, seems like a real waste, especially when a “decorative sculpture” like this could really have spruced up Coffin Rebekah’s new bedroom . . .
A Very Klyler Breakup?
But Stefan isn’t the only boy toy of Klaus’ that’s cheesed off at him. Seemingly moments after Stefan the Decapitator has departed, in comes a snarling, feral-looking Tyler. He’s not giving in to this “sire” thing. No sir! He’s his own man, dammit.
So, of course, Klaus has to send Tyler off on another errand: namely, bite Caroline, and give her were-hybrid rabies, like Rose and Damon, before her.
(Hmmm . . . interesting. So, a hybrid bite can kill a vampire, just as easily as a werewolf one can, despite the fact that hybrids are, technically, part vampire. What happens, when they bite themselves?)
Tyler says “Hell to the No” to this errand, which I appreciated very much (Of course, I would have appreciated it much more, if his “Hell to the No” was followed by “Pretty please don’t kill Caroline, because I love her” . . . as opposed to merely, “Why should I do it?” . . . the unspoken . . . and, perhaps, unintentional, implication being that it would be OK, if someone else did it).
“See? I should have run him over with my car!”
Klaus pouts a bit, at his sex slave’s surprising disobedience. But, oddly enough, he ultimately lets Tyler off the hook, for this particular errand, without much fanfare . . . or does he?
In which it becomes shockingly apparent that the entire Founder’s Council is made up of vampires and psycho killers . . .
That night, Team Bad Ass, a.k.a. Alaric and Damon, attend one of those ridiculous faux-Founder’s Day parties at the Lockwood Mansion, so that they can later appear at one of those totally useless Anti-Vampire Council meetings. While they wait, Alaric talks to Damon about how odd it is that Stefan’s gone balls out, evil, while Damon is in hero-mode, and playing house with Elena. (You can always count on Alaric to say what everyone else is thinking . . .)
Speaking of Elena, “something’s up with [her],” Alaric confides in his bromantic buddy.
Damon smirks at this, undoubtedly imagining the way her tongue tastes. But he reveals nothing. Instead, he deflects, “I’m sure, whatever it is it starts with a ‘Stef’ and ends with an ‘an.'” He jokes. (More like starts with a “DAM” and ends with an “IT’S ON!”)
Crazy Nanny Carrie, er, I mean Meredith Fell then annoyingly magically appears to hit on Alaric some more, and remind us that, as a “Founding Fell,” she’s part of this Useless Council too . . .(Hey, you know who else was a Fell? Season 1 Logan . . . the guy Damon and Alaric both killed . . . coincidence?)
Crazy Nanny continues to flirt with Alaric, and make weirdly threatening references to the fact that she still imagines throwing her ex boyfriend from high school off a bridge. Woah, Crazy Nanny Meredith! Considering that you’re a doctor, it’s safe to say you’ve been out of high school for at least ten years. It’s time to let go, psychopath . . .
Later, we see said ex-boyfriend and Meredith fighting about something. The ex gets a bit rough with Meredith, and Prince Alaric comes to her rescue. Instead of being mad at Alaric, the guy in question actually seems to pity him, even going so far as to warn him about the nutjob he’s about to start screwing. (Clearly, this guy has watched One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars.)
Cause of death: The use of too much hair product, at once . . .
We later learn that this guy is the Town Medical Examiner, a.k.a. The Guy Who Lies and Says Residents Were Killed by Wild Dogs, When They Were Actually Sucked Dry by Stefan Salvatore . . .
More interesting than Crazy Nanny Meredith’s fantasies of becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, and Medical Examiner Guy’s shockingly bad hair is the fact that “some British guy,” has apparently donated oodles of cash to Mystic Falls’ Founder’s Council.
Annnnd . . . that’s how the Baddest Vampire of them All, and his Band of Strong, But Stupid, Hybrids all became honorary members of the Now Virtually 0% Human Anti-Vampire Council . . . Would you believe that Klaus got his foot in the proverbial council door, by offering the group PROTECTION from Stefan? Talk about the ultimate switcheroo.
To be honest, I was much less surprised that Carol Lockwood went along with her son’s new boyfriend’s plans, than I was that former vampire despiser, Lizard Forbes has suddenly gone out and bought herself a “Team Klaus” t-shirt.
Is it possible that she is predicting a future romance for her Vampire Barbie daughter, and the Original Hybrid? Stay tuned . . .
LIZ: “Bet you $20 they are boning by sweeps week.”
DAMON: “I’ll take that bet . . .”
Speaking of Crazy!Stefan, he makes a go at killing, yet a third hybrid, upstairs in the Lockwood Mansion. (This one, would have been another beheading . . . not very creative. However, he is ultimately stopped by Peacekeeping!Damon. Go figure! Damon’s passionate plea of “No dead hybrids at the Founder’s Party,” reminds me so much of Chris Rock’s “No sex in the Champagne Room,” that it makes me giggle.
Stefan, however, isn’t amused. So, he storms off to go pee on some more proverbial trees, so as to mark his town territory, and “be the better villain,” so to speak. And by “trees,” I mean “Elena” . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Here Lies Caroline Forbes . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 3)
In the most morbid, but surprisingly appropriate birthday party ever, Elena and the gang take Caroline to Fell’s tomb. There, they decide to give her a FUNERAL . . . you know, because she’s dead . . . and stuff. The idea, of course, is to get her to stop focusing on her OLD life of GETTING OLD, and start focusing on her NEW LIFE (which . . . is really, more or less, the same as her old one, except she occasionally drinks blood, and never ever will have to pay for Botox).
Then, Caroline proceeds to get mildly inebriated on tequila, and uses it as an excuse to drunk text Tyler. (We’ve all been there. ;)) This prompts Elena to make a snide remark, and Bonnie to stick up for Caroline. (AGAIN, I’m agreeing with Bonnie AGAIN! What the heck is wrong with me?) Apparently, liquor has loosened Bonnie’s lips enough for her to Elena what she really things of her decision to steal Jeremy’s free will, and send him away, possibly for good.
“Judging you . . . again.”
Matt gripes comedically, that all this catty girl talk is totally ruining Caroline’s kickass funeral. So, BonBon leaves. Enter Tyler to the tune of the song “Birthday Sex.” (Now, THAT would have been a good soundtrack choice!)
Tyler wants to talk to Caroline . . . alone. You see, his conversation with Klaus has taught him that he CAN, in fact say no. . . maybe. Of course, he’s thrilled . . . so thrilled, in fact, that he confesses his love to Caroline. Now, they are kissing. Now, they are humping against a tree. Now, they are . . . BITING EACHOTHER’S NECKS????
Ruh-roh! Apparently, some foreplay is just no longer acceptable, when you are a hybrid hooking up with a Vampire Barbie. Caroline falls to the floor, a mixture of shock, accusation, and pain, on her face.
Gnarliest hickey ever . . . I think Tyler might need braces . . .
To Tyler’s credit, he looks genuinely shocked at what he did. He obeyed Klaus’ wishes after all, even though (I think) he clearly didn’t want to do so. Now, if that ‘s not compulsion, I don’t know what is . . .
I would have liked for Tyler not to run off into the woods like a b*tch to leave Caroline dying in the forest. But run off, he did. In Tyler’s defense, Caroline asked him to leave. And he DID go and get her help, which, I suspect, was also precisely what Klaus wanted him to do . . .
Meanwhile, an adorable wasted Elena and Matt tumble out of the tomb, in search of Caroline. Just as they find her, Stefan knocks Matt unconscious, and steals Elena away, without so much as a “Happy Birthday,” to Dying Caroline. Way to be a gentleman, ASSHAT!
Next thing we know, Stefan is speeding down the highway with a kidnapped, and super pouty, Elena. He wants to drive her down to the bridge where they first met . . . you know, back when her parents drowned, and he rescued her? Ahh . . . memories. In fact, Stefan wants to take reliving those memories all the way to the next level, by DRIVING OVER THE BRIDGE, AND DROWNING WITH ELENA . . .
Damon calls Elena for some phone sex, and is not-at-all pleased that his brother has picked up the phone. He becomes even less pleased, when he learns what exactly Crazy!Stefan plans to do.
In an odd turn of events, Damon suddenly finds himself on the same side as Klaus. He runs to warn his new friend, of what’s happening. “Get rid of your hybrids, or he’s going to kill Elena,” Damon says, more or less.
“Sometimes, I wish YOU were my brother . . . you know . . . aside from the whole, leaving your siblings in coffins for 1,000’s of years . . . thing.”
Initially, Klaus isn’t concerned. He believes that Stefan ultimately loves Elena WAY too much to kill her. So, therefore, he must be bluffing. But when Klaus calls Stefan on the phone, he hears Elena’s anguished screams . . . screams which sound so very real. Then he hears Stefan, do the one thing, that to Elena, is worse than killing her out right, he force feeds her his blood . . . the exact same action for which he attacked Damon, last season.
Now, Klaus seemed fairly certain that Stefan wouldn’t kill Elena. But he’s much less certain he won’t turn her into a vampire, thereby making yet another Petrova Doppelganger useless as a human blood bank / hybrid making machine. This is a HUGE deal. After all, Klaus had to wait 500 years after Katherine turned vamp, for another opportunity to become / make hybrids. Who knows how long he’ll have to wait next time around?
Watching Klaus cry, as he hears Elena’s screams of terror, you could almost imagine that he really does care about her, as more than just a blood bank. And maybe he does. After all, Klaus has romantic history with two girls, who look exactly like Elena. So, it’s not hard to imagine that some of that tenderness has translated over to this new doppelganger, who’s so very important to him, in so many ways.
At the last possible minute, (once Klaus agrees to get his hybrids out of Mystic Falls, of course) Stefan stops the car. Oddly enough, despite having gone through the last few minutes with Elena, this guy seems truly confused, as to why she won’t back into the car with him.
Stefan’s speech to Elena is interesting, because it causes you to question just how much of his “No Emotions” thing, is an act, while, at the same time, illustrates just how insensitive and hard-hearted his experiences with Klaus have made him.
Stefan explains to Elena that she and Damon HAD to believe that he was really going to kill her / and/ or turn her into a vampire, to convince Klaus of the same thing. And if all that was an act, maybe the rest of it was too. After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Stefan pretended not to care about Elena, in order to protect her.
On the other hand, as Elena tearfully explains, Stefan traumatized her, beyond belief, by forcing her to relive the moment of her parents death. And the fact that Stefan could make her do this, without giving so much as a thought to the mental and emotional impact it would have on her, shows him to not be the same guy with whom she fell so madly in love, a few years back.
Stefan digs the knife deeper, by telling Elena that defeating Klaus is all he has left, pointedly leaving both Damon and Elena out of that equation. He also tells Elena that they’ve been “over,” since he left Mystic Falls, and that he doesn’t care what she thinks about him, anymore. Of course, his facial expressions, when he says this, say otherwise.
Then, the Poopyhead drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of the road, for Damon to rescue . . . again. That’s right, boys and girls. Stefan Salvatore is on Team Delena. And, as awful a dude as he’s been lately, I certainly can’t fault him for that.
Speaking of Delena . . .
The Kiss Raincheck? 🙂
Throughout the hour, we’ve been waiting for Damon and Elena to address their epic liplock. Now, fittingly enough, they get to do so, in the exact same spot, where the infamous smooch occurred. Let’s rewatch, shall we?
I must admit, on first watch, I was disappointed that Elena rebuffed Damon’s sweet facial caresses, and soulful love eyes, with her, “You can’t kiss me again.”
I thought to myself, “Oh come on, Elena! Stefan practically ROLLED OUT THE RED CARPET for you to give in to your desires with Damon. Surely, you can’t be feeling guilty about it now!”
It also reminded me of that little Dawson’s Creek moment, I shared with you last week. You know, the one where Pacey told Joey that he couldn’t keep kissing her, because he’d already made his feelings known. So, if she wanted their relationship to continue, she would have to kiss him?
In essence, I think that is what Damon and Elena are both saying to one another, here. From Elena’s perspective, it wouldn’t be fair for her to accept another one of Damon’s mind-blowing kisses on THIS night, when her heart is so very raw, from where Stefan stamped on it. Despite her obviously strong feelings for Damon, if she let him kiss her right now, it would be more about Stefan than it would be about Damon. And Elena cares enough about Damon to know that he doesn’t deserve that . . .
The next time Damon and Elena kiss, it should be all about THEM, just like it was the first time.
From Damon’s perspective, he, like a certain Pacey Witter, knows that their next kiss must be Elena-initiated. And it needs to come at time, when Elena is finally genuinely OK with what happened between her and Stefan. He loves and respects Elena enough to wait for that moment to come. He’s also confident enough in her love for him, to know that it WILL come eventually . . .
Dreaming of Delena . . .
And, if the longing look Elena gave Damon at the end of this scene, and her words to Matt at the end of the episode are any indication, that moment will probably come sooner, rather than later . . .
Coming from a Hardcore Delena and Forwood shipper, you might be surprised to know that I found this the most fascinating moment of this episode. It was both surprising, and, at the same time, telegraphed from the very first scene. Most intriguing of all was the fact that Klaus’ motives for doing what he did are still not entirely certain.
On one hand, it certainly seems as though Klaus told Tyler to bite Caroline, knowing, full well that he would initially say no, and then, inadvertently end up doing it, anyway. At first, most of us fans, probably felt that this was done to show the Scooby Gang that Klaus means business, just as the attempted murder of Jeremy did, last week. However, on second glance, it seems more likely that Klaus only got Tyler to bite Caroline, so that he could ultimately save her.
The question is, why did he go through all this trouble to do that, for a girl with whom, up to this point, he has had little to no interaction? Does he truly care about her as much as he seems to, in this clip?
Or maybe because she looks so much like his sister (the other Vampire Barbie), or, perhaps, like someone he once loved? Has he coveted her all along, and merely been using Tyler to get to her?
Or, was all this merely a way, of keeping Tyler in line, by breaking him of the one person, who potentially had the power to keep him from being completely loyal? Also, having someone, like Caroline, who is so intimately linked to Stefan’s inner circle beholden to him, certainly can’t hurt Klaus’ plans for continued Elena usage, and world domination? The coy way, in which Klaus caresses the bracelet Tyler gave her for birthday (He ultimately gives her a much nicer, more expensive piece of jewelry, himself.) could be interpreted either way . . .
But whether you are Team Klaroline, or Team Forwood, you have to admit that these two are pretty darn sexy together . . . And here I thought death bed flirting was only hot , when Delena was doing it. Shows, how much I know . . .
Bye, Bye Jer Bear!
After Caroline gets her bracelet, things wrap up pretty quickly. Jeremy gets shipped off to Denver, without much fanfare. And Bonnie, for all her complaints and hand-wringing, when it actually comes time for him to leave, merely, hugs him goodbye.
Don’t worry, Jeremy. You’ll be back. The ones that don’t die ALWAYS comeback. (Come to think of it, so do the ones that DO die . . .)
Here Lies Elena Gilbert (a.k.a. Funeral 4) . . .
We follow up this tearful Jer Bear moment, with a surprisingly sweet one between Matt and Elena on that fateful Bridge of DEATH. Elena notes sadly that her former self might be disappointed with her current self, a girl in love with VAMPIRES (That’s right, I said “vampires” PLURAL . . .
The Matt we USED to know, would have probably agreed with Elena. But New Matt, was much kinder, giving Old Elena a “funeral,” so that she might be able to embrace her new crazy life, one which, though he might not fully understand, he does support, because he . . . wait for it . . . wants her to be happy.
Way to go, Matt! (I can’t believe I just typed those words . . . I must be going crazier than Stefan . . .)
Speaking of crazy . . .
Here Lies Crazy Nanny Carrie’s Victim Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 5)
Question: If the only Medical Examiner in town gets whacked, who gets to determine his Cause of Death?
While Alaric proceeds to get Day Drunk with Crazy Nanny Meredith, Lizard Forbes and her once-again pal Damon go traipsing in the forest to locate yet another of Mystic Falls growing list of Dead Unimportant Characters. This time its . . . surprise . . . Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . as in, the same one Crazy Nanny Meredith talked about tossing over a bridge, and the same one that Alaric publicly tussled with the night before. He’s got a stake in his chest, the victim of one of those rare things in Mystic Falls: the HUMAN KILL.
He stole Bonnie’s nose bleed. BASTARD!
Do, I suspect a Crazy Nanny Meredith Murder, followed by an Alaric Saltzman frame-up, possibly to avenge the death of an odious weatherman named Logan Fell? You bet I do!
And that was “Our Town,” in a Nutshell. Next week, on TVD: Tyler gets chained up and naked again, Crazy Nanny Meredith shows her true colors, and Bonnie appears to be bleeding from her nasal passages again. Hooray! You can check out the Canadian and American trailers for this episode, entitled “The Ties that Bind,” here:
Welcome back, my fellow Fangbangers! I missed you! Heck, I missed this show! Now, I know how Stefan feels, when he’s going through blood withdrawal . . .
All those sad, lonely, desperate Thursday nights without my TVD . . . it’s a wonder I didn’t completely lose my head or have Stefan chew it, or Jeremy chop it off with a meat cleaver . . . .
So, of course, this brings up the inevitable question . . . Was “The New Deal” worth the interminable wait . . . the sleepless nights . . . the hours spent watching Delena fanvideos on YouTube, while sitting entirely too close to my computer screen? Survey says . . .
Well, I’ll take that as a yes! 🙂
But wait . . . before I get started on the recap . . . I think I’m forgetting something. What could I possibly be forgetting?
Oh . . . yes . . . THAT. Well, we will definitely be talking about THAT, soon enough. But first, let’s get all that “other stuff” out of the way. Shall we? 😉
“If you unbury it, he will come . . .”
We open the episode with a nice close-up shot on Bonnie, who’s dressed like she’s ready to head out for a night of clubbing.
This, of course, caused me to ponder how far away the nearest dance club is from Mystic Falls. It’s too bad Vicki’s gone. She would have known the answer to that question, for sure . . .
But enough about Vicki. We’re with Bonnie, now. Mmm-kay? And Bonnie’s hearing The Whispers. You know The Whispers, right? These guys are WAY famous. If they had an IMDB page, it would probably be longer than Robert De Niro’s.
The Whispers are always popping up in horror movies, and scary TV shows, and telling the protagonist to do BAD THINGS: “steal that precious object,” “cheat on your wife,” “kill That Guy,” “eat more Chicken McNuggets.”
Unfortunately, here, The Whispers just want Bonnie to go into Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Dead Witchcraft and Mildew. Bonnie obeys. (Far be it for her to disobey The Whispers!) She goes into the basement of the Ugly House. There are four coffins there. (Gee golly! I wonder what it all means?)
It’s a nice day for a vamp funeral . . . or four . . .
The Whispers tell Bonnie to open one of the coffins. (They sure can be bossy . . . those Whispers.) And when she does . . . well . . . you’ll never guess who’s in there! It’s KLAUS! And he just looks like the happiest Dead Guy ever!
“Oh, hey Bonnie! Do you know where the bathroom is in this place? I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.”
He’s also wearing some seriously tacky Man Bling on his finger and neck.
“Real Men” apparently wear insanely ugly jewelry . . .
Hey, maybe Bonnie has decided to go clubbing, after all! She notices that Klaus’ Man Bling would look TOTALLY AWESOME with her shiny gold-plated halter top, and black leather jacket. Should she take them? The Whispers say go for it! Klaus won’t need jewelry where he’s going.
“My Preciousssss!”
Bonnie reaches down to take the jewelry. Bad girl! Someone grabs her from behind. Now, she’s really going to get it! No one has ever stolen Man Bling from the Original Hybrid, and lived to tell the tale. At home on the couch, TVD fans hold their breaths, awaiting her witchy demise . . .
Or not . . .
You see, Bonnie was just dreaming . . . But you probably already knew that, didn’t you? You sly little fangbanger, you!
“Great, now I have to pee like a racehorse . . .”
“Hey, Hot Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Wanna Race?”
While Bonnie’s still in Dreamland, our girl Elena is out kicking ass, and taking names.
Actually, she’s jogging. And yet, given Elena’s track record with vampires, werewolves, hybrids and other assorted demons, I kind of think learning how to run away is a much better use of her time, don’t you think? Of course, there’s only one problem: HUMANS CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES . . .
“Doh!”
Speaking of the aforementioned OBVIOUS premise, I think it’s kind of funny that, after finishing her 5K race, or, however, long it is that our girl jogs, Elena looks at her stop watch, and gives herself a mental pat on the back for her improved speed.
You can almost hear her saying in her head. “I finished in 25 minutes. That’s 30 seconds faster than last time! That means I should now be able to run a full 30 seconds, before whatever vampire is chasing me that week chews my legs off . . . or whatever . . .
Elena’s self-congratulatory mood is short-lived however, because someone is jogging behind her. He’s kind of hot . . . but not Damon hot, or Tyler hot . . . just normal run-of-the-mill hot. He is also wearing the Blue Hoodie of Death, and has Senseless Kill of the Week written all over him.
“Hey . . . is that guy looking at my ass? He better not be looking at my ass.”
Elena knows that none of these things are good signs. She starts to panic. But maybe she’s just being paranoid? He could just be a Random Running Guy, right? Elena breathes a sigh of relief.
Then, she remembers what television show she’s on, and starts running like hell . . .
At home, we’re counting the seconds before This Guy goes into warp speed and chews off Elena’s legs. But he just keeps following her at regular speed . . . no . . . scratch that . . . slow speed . . . Elena’s kicking his ass. This guy’s a chump!
And then . . . like that . . . he’s gone.
So, you can imagine Elena’s surprise when he comes back again IN THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where we last saw him. He bumps into Elena on purpose, while mumbling apologies about how he should really watch where he’s going.
“Has anybody ever told you that you have a great ass?”
At this point, Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” starts playing in my head, “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, run, run, out-run my hybrid . . .”
That’s how the song goes, isn’t it?
Three Cheers for the Klaus-ageddon!
Later, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Bonnie and Elena are swapping stories about their CRAZZZY mornings.
I just keep wondering where Caroline is during all this? Don’t they realize that Caroline’s boyfriend just became Gay for Klaus, and she’s in an Extremely Vulnerable State, right now? They couldn’t have asked her to come along for their little breakfast session? HOW RUUUUUDE!
“Don’t mess with me. I eat girls like you for breakfast. No . . . seriously . . . for breakfast this morning, I ate a girl that looked just like you.”
Speaking of rude, Bonnie, who has NO TACT, WHATSOEVER, decides that this is the perfect time to bring up He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, a.k.a. Stefan. “He betrayed us. The Stefan we know is gone,” replies Elena, in a voice that says, “Keep on this subject, and I’ll start asking you about Luka. Remember him, Bon-Bon?”
By the way, did you all notice how Elena said “us” . . . as in “Damon and I are an “us” now. Get used to it?” Because, I certainly did. 😉
Speaking of Damon, I think it’s adorable (in a highly dysfunctional way) that my TV Boyfriend is such a raging alcoholic that the bartender basically puts an entire shelf full of liquor in front of him, so that he can mix his own drinks at his leisure, despite the fact that it’s probably about 11 a.m. in TVD-land . . .
Damon’s kind of bummed though, because Boy Toy Alaric is being a TOTAL kill joy, and not drinking with him. LAME! So, Damon tries to entice him . . . first with his baking skills (“I’ve got a screw driver, and a bloody mary. It’s brunch in a bottle”), and then with his sexual wiles (“Let’s get naked.”)
Come on, Chunky Monkey! Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud. Get naked with your bromantic buddy. It’s not like we all haven’t seen it before . . .
But alas, Alaric is in no mood for sex games with Damon. He’s seriously bummed out, because he had to fail Jeremy on a plagiarized history paper. Damn! That’s cold. I thought the whole point of having a history teacher as your pseudo dad is so you can get straight A’s?
Apparently, Alaric is skulking at the bar, in order to perform his first of many interventions on his errant not-so-son (seriously, the Scooby Gang must have spent at least ten minutes during this hour Waiting for Jeremy), as soon as the latter arrives at work. Not so fast, No Longer Alchy-ric! Sexy Female Bartender says Jer Bear got canned from The Only Bar / Social Establishment weeks ago.
Ruh-roh! I guess this means Matt Donovan is going to have to go back to being the Only Waiter at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls again . . .There goes your social life, Matty Boy!
But don’t worry. You still have your sister and your mom to hang out with . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind . . .
“Let’s get drunk and shoot some stuff . . .”
Speaking of Naughty!Jeremy, he’s out in the woods with Tyler, boning drinking cheap beer, and shooting stuff with crossbows. (How very hillbilly of them!)
“Hey Ty, after this, are you up for some cow-tipping?”
Much like the rest of us, Jeremy wonders out loud, why Tyler is suddenly so interested in hanging out with him, considering that the two of them have had virtually nothing to do with one another, since that time back in Season 2, where Tyler’s dad just died, and Jer Bear and Ty-Ty discovered that they both liked to draw supernatural creatures, drink booze, and screw slutty soon-to-be-dead girls . . .
Tyler responds that “Since you are leaving the show for a while, the writers thought it might be nice to throw those much-neglected Team Jyler fans a mildly homoerotic bone, while they still could. “I’m pissed at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped your ass . . . the point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.”
Oh Tyler! How you slay me with your eloquent wordsmith-ery! It almost makes me forget that you are about to RUIN THIS POOR BOY’S LIFE, FOREVER . . . almost.
Now, don’t even try looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours. Because it’s just not going to work . . .
Jeremy instructs Tyler to get out of the way, since he’s drunk and is about to “shoot stuff,” just like Tyler said. But Tyler’s all, “Heyyyy . . . I’m a hybrid. Why not shoot me? Come on! I know you wanna!”
Is it just me, or is Tyler particularly screencappable today? It’s almost as if becoming a hybrid has provided him with an entirely new range of facial expressions to try out . . .
In the first of many Helpful Hybrid Tips Tyler reveals throughout the episode, Vampy Teen Wolf explains that the only way to really kill a hybrid is to chop off it’s head, while it’s unconscious. Good to know . . .
Jeremy then shoots Tyler with the crossbow, and Tyler catches it. Bo-ring! I thought he was going to deflect it with his Massive Muscular Man Chest. Maybe next time . . .
Elena ponders the Epic Question that has plagued fangirl bloggers for years: What is Damon Salvatore’s Most Attractive Look?
“Oops . . . I cockblocked again.”
Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, a slightly slurry but still maddenly gorgeous Damon has told Elena about Jeremy’s little Work Mishap, in between his fifth shot of scotch, and his second round of darts. (Fortunately, the drinks haven’t negatively impacted his aim or, as we will see soon enough, his pick-up lines.)
“If I’m this good at hitting a bullseye with a dart, just imagine how good I might be at locating other sensitive areas.”
Mama Elena, of course, is “very, very disappointed in Jer Bear,” and has been leaving increasingly frantic phone messages on his cell phone, as a result. Damon, however, seems completely unfazed. He tries to calm Elena down, by reminding her that Jeremy is a teenager . . . and that being sullen and sometimes irresponsible is simply what teens do.
“Elena, you seem so tense. I hereby renew the request I made earlier to Alaric, that we all get naked. I’ll go first.”
(I always find it interesting how much the rest of the Scooby Gang is constantly noting how young and impressionable Jeremy is, when he’s really only two years younger than Elena. After all, 16-years old, isn’t exactly a toddler, especially when you consider that Elena, herself, was just a year older than that, when the series started. The issue of Jeremy’s “youth” will come into play again, later on in the episode. So, stay tuned . . .)
Funny . . . he doesn’t look like he needs a diaper change . . .
Even when Damon seems carefree and tipsy, he’s always looking out for Elena, and trying to make her feel better about the admittedly horrible situations in which she seems to find herself on a nearly daily basis. He does this by lifting her spirits with flirty humor, and comforting words, disguised as nonchalant banter. It’s only when Elena’s truly distraught, that he allows himself to get serious with her, and let his true feelings show, as we will see later in the episode . . .
Elena is always looking out for Damon too . . . She just does it in a more obvious way. I like how Elena sees Damon joking around, and looking seemingly drunk and happy, but instinctively knows that he is smarting from his brother’s betrayal, while still missing him terribly, and hiding all this pain behind glibness and false bravado. “Are you OK?” She asks him, her brows furrowed, and her eyes filled with obvious concern (among other things) for this beautiful vampire.
“Are you OK because I don’t want you to be too drunk to ravish me in your bedroom, after we make out, later tonight?”
But Damon is no fool. He has no desire to rehash the Stefan Salvatore Saga with the woman he loves. And he’s much too selfless, at least when it comes to her, to bring her down, by recounting his own personal woes. Instead, he uses this as an opportunity for flirtation.
Damon confidently strolls into Elena’s personal space, and inquires which of his many looks she finds the most attractive, since she admitted that his Drunken Frat Vampire visage isn’t her “favorite.” Flustered, Elena quickly counters that she doesn’t necessarily find any of his looks attractive. However, the way she’s staring at his lips, and pawing at his chest, when she says it, makes me think that, even as she denies it, Elena is mentally perusing a catalogue of her favorite Damon Looks, in order to choose the most erotic one.
“Pick ME, Elena . . . pick ME!”
Now, I’m no mind reader, of course. But my guess is that THIS is the look she ultimately chose . . .
As with most sexy Delena moments, this one gets cockblocked by Klaus, who seems to be enjoying the Delena Show just as much as the rest of us. “Don’t mind me,” he says with a smirk, as he approaches the Dartboard of Looooooove . . .
“Damon, my brother . . . you better hit that, soon. Because if you don’t, I will . . .”
Klaus hasn’t shown up alone, though. He’s got his good pal The Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid with him . . . Soon-to-be-Headless has a name, apparently. It’s “Tony.” I’m just choosing not to remember it. (I mean, why bother, right?) Damon’s left nipple has had more screen time than this guy will ever have on TVD . . . He did have a cute head, though . . .
“Coincidentally, Damon’s left nipple also happens to be named ‘Tony.'”
As always, Klaus has a special request for his favorite couple. He wants them to help him find his sister, and Grave Robbing Stefan. If they do that, he’ll be a good little Mystic Falls neighbor, and leave them alone . . . well . . . at least until he needs Elena’s blood again to make more hybrid minions. Something tells me he’ll have at least one less of those by the end of the episode . . .
As for Elena, she has absolutely no interest in getting in the middle of the b*tch fight between her ex-boyfriend, and his new boyfriend . . .
“That sounds to me like a Klaus and Stefan Problem,” Elena says smartly. (Damon’s right. She does get feisty, when she’s angry.)
Klaus, however, considers himself way too important to get himself sassed by a mere human. He moves closer to her, in order to show her who’s boss. But then THIS happens . . .
That’s right, boys and girls, Damon shoulders his way between Klaus and Elena, and gives Klaus THE STARE. Watch out Bad Ass Damon . . . your chivalry is showing!
One of my favorite Klaus moments in the episode was when he giggled at Damon’s obvious show of affection for Elena. I know that part of him sees this as a weakness of Damon’s that he can exploit. But I strongly suspect that another part of him just sees it as really hot . . .
“This is me broadening the scope,” responds Klaus to Elena’s retort, before exiting stage left.
Well played you adorable, curly-haired, villain, you!
Somebody call an interior decorator (or an exorcist) . . .
Elsewhere, Bonnie return to Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew . . . a.k.a. home of The Whispers. Honestly, you would think that a house inhabited by a bunch of ghostly witches would be more aesthetically pleasing. The resale value must be next to nada. HGTV would most definitely not approve.
Behold . . . a house that only a dead person could love.
Bonnie is only mildly surprised to learn that Stefan (who’s still looking all cold and Ripper-y, despite his recent de-compulsion by Klaus) has been living here. Quite a step down from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, I’d say! Not to mention the fact that he used to share a mansion with one person. Now he’s sharing a two-bedroom colonial with four staked Originals, and a bunch of dead witches, who are perpetually on the rag . . .
“Damon, let me move back in and I promise I will never make fun of your massive bath soap collection again.”
Stefan wants Bonnie to use a spell to help keep the coffins hidden from Klaus. Bonnie is uncertain she has enough nosebleeds left in her to do this . . .
It’s Time for Hybrids 101, with your Trusty Professor, Tyler Hotpants . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric and Elena are waiting in the kitchen to attempt their second Jer Bear intervention. But when Jeremy finally arrives home, he’s all “Not without My Tyler.” Suddenly, Mr. Gay for Klaus, himself, has been invited inside the Gilbert home. And guess who’s sticking around for dinner?
“Hey, do you mind if I use your neck for a few seconds? I haven’t fed all day.”
Clearly speaking for the TVD fandom, Alaric wonders out loud what exactly the difference is between being Klaus’ “sire” and doing everything he says, and being compelled to do whatever Klaus says . . .
“Yes Master, I will absolutely color coordinate with you, the next time we go out to pick up chicks.”
At first, Tyler is actually pretty convincing in his support of siring. Tyler explains that he “obeys” Klaus, because he feels indebted to him for saving him from a life of painful monthly transformations, and, of course, mortality. He also assures the Gilbert clan that he’s still his own man, and can disobey Klaus whenever he feels like it. It’s kind of like a crack junkie, who says, “I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to do so.”
But as convincing as Tyler’s initial arguments might have been, he shoots himself in the foot by admitting that he would rip his heart out of his chest, if Klaus asked him nicely to do it . . .
So, let me get this straight, Ty-Ty. You are forever indebted to Klaus for saving your life . . . so indebted, in fact, that if he asked you to KILL YOURSELF, you would do it? I don’t know . . . that sounds a heck of a lot like compulsion to me . . .
Oh, and Tyler? Elena and Alaric are TOTALLY judging you, now . . .
Damon finds a new drinking buddy . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Klaus has just let himself in, completely uninvited. By now, the whole notion that this house is owned by Elena, and therefore, no one can be invited in, unless she says so, has been completely forgotten in TVD land. Damon might as well open a Bed-in-Breakfast, considering all the supernatural creatures, who come and go as they please. They don’t call it the Salvatore Boarding House, for nothing . . .
Klaus has come to drink with Damon, flirt with him shamelessly, b*tch about Stefan, and, of course, re-issue his offer to stop cock blocking Damon and Elena, and killing off their friends, provided the couple help him locate his pretty little coffins. Unfortunately for Klaus, Damon would probably respond much better to compulsion than flirtation, as he seems to be the only male character on this show who’s completely immune to the Original Hybrid’s unique charms.
But Klaus can’t compel Damon, because Damon’s been drinking vervain. So, instead the Big Bad Vamp metaphorically waves his weiner at his younger nemesis, by making a Mysterious Phone Call, in which he instructs SOMEONE to do SOMETHING he told them to do earlier . . .
SPPOOOOOKKKYYY . . .
Always look both ways before crossing the street (or responding to a hypnotic phone call) . . .
In a scene that is extremely reminiscent of the one from Plan B, in which Katherine compelled Useless Aunt Jenna by phone to stab herself in the chest, after dinner, we see Jeremy in the corner, engaged in a clandestine conversation. After he hangs up the phone, Jeremy sits back at the kitchen table, as if nothing happened.
But moments later, when Mama Elena and Papa Alaric stupidly turn their back on Jeremy to wash dishes, and make fun of Tyler, and his silly Sire-y Ways, Jer Bear takes off his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality and walks out into the street, looking like the Hottest Zombie Ever!
He then dazedly stands in the middle of the road and waits for a car to come and run him over into oblivion. Now, last I checked, Elena lives in a suburban development, where the speed limit in front of her house is probably a whopping 25 mph. You would think, at that slow speed, someone might notice a teenage boy standing in the middle of the road, like a moron.
Death Car for Cutie
A-ha! But Klaus took care of that too! Because, sure enough Busy Bee, Soon-to-be Headless Hybrid is cruising on the street at about 90 mph. (Annnnd . . . now we know why Jeremy had to take off his ring. If a HUMAN drove the car into him, the ring wouldn’t save him. But because Soon-to-be Headless did it, it’s considered a Supernatural Death. Well, technically, the compulsion is supernatural too and . . . nevermind.)
Fortunately, Alaric, who, as we all know, has been holding on to the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality that Uncle / Father John gave Elena, back in “The Hybrid,” jumps in front of the car just in time to push Jeremy out of the way. The good news is that he saves Jeremy’s life . . .
The bad news is that Alaric is dead . . . for now . . .
In a rather unnecessary “I told you so,” moment, Elena informs a very shaken-up Jeremy that (1) he’s been compelled by Klaus to kill himself; and (2) his so-called good buddy Tyler has only been hanging out with him, so that he could compel him off vervain. Way to rub salt in the wound, Elena . . .
Like the compelled suicide attempt itself, this aspect of Klaus’ plan is also similar to Katherine’s from “Plan B.” If you recall, Katherine posed as Elena, in order to get Jenna to stop taking vervain . . .
So, while Klaus gets an “A” for deviousness. He gets a “C” for originality. Sorry, Original Hybrid!
Elsewhere, Klaus is busy building his future Mystic Falls home, (which, honestly, I thought would be much bigger), when Tyler arrives MORALLY OUTRAGED by what Klaus almost succeeded in doing to Jeremy, and the part he played in it. (Seriously, Tyler, you made the dude stop taking vervain, in the service of someone who HATES his family. What exactly did you think was going to happen?)
Klaus calmly tells Tyler, more or less, to man-up. (hybrid-up?) “You need to get over your conscience. Human life is a means to an end,” Papa Bear explains patronizingly to Baby Bear.
I love how Klaus refers to a “conscience” as something you can simply “get over,” like a head cold, or a bad stomach flu . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house, Damon has, once again, come to Elena’s aid. “How’s [Alaric]?” He asks, with obvious concern for his bromantic drinking buddy.
“He’s still dead,” replies Elena conversationally.
If you recall, the first few times Alaric died, wearing his ring, he came back to life, within mere minutes. But, back in “Disturbing Behavior,” when Damon killed him, it seemed to take at least an hour. This time, Alaric is dead for multiple hours, and experiences additional complications that I will address in just a bit. No word yet, on why Alaric’s ring seems to be offering it’s wearing increasingly diminishing returns. Perhaps, even when it comes to Magical Rings, there’s a limit to how many “Get Out of Death Free” cards, a person is entitled to use . . .
‘This is depressing . . . I need another drink.”
Leaving Alaric to . . . um . . . rest in peace, Damon and Elena discuss their respective plans to finally rid Klaus from their lives for good. Elena wants to return Rebekah to Klaus, so that he can undagger her. But Damon won’t hear of it. He hates the idea of Rebekah seeking vengeance against Elena, considering that Elena is the one who staked her, in the first place. As for Damon’s plan, he wants to give Klaus back his precious coffins, if only he knew where they were . . .
Remembering Bonnie’s dream, Elena thinks she knows exactly where to look, and calls Bonnie to confirm . . .
But before Elena and Damon can head off on their Next Big Kill Klaus Plan, Little Bro Jer has some haunting parting words for them both: “None of us are going to make it out of here alive,” he warns.
(By the end of the episode, of course, we know that for certain, that Jeremy’s words aren’t entirely true, considering that ONE person gets out of Mystic Falls, very much alive. But could this possibly be a foreshadowing of Elena eventually being turned into a vampire? Stay tuned . . .)
Over the River and Through the Woods . . .
So, remember last season, when Damon tried to enter Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew, for the first time?
Well, apparently, female witches are quite good at holding grudges, because they are still up to their same shenanigans, when Damon tries to enter the house, this time. My only question is, why are they still so Pro Stefan, especially considering what a major douche he’s become, of late . . .
At first, Damon waits outside, while Elena tries to talk some sense into Stefan. “Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets,” Stefan pouts, when Elena admits to knowing exactly why Stefan is there and what he’s doing.
I’ll admit, I’m a bit shocked when Elena tells Stefan that Klaus will KILL Jeremy, if he doesn’t put an end to this vendetta, and Stefan barely bats an eyelash. “That’s not my problem,” he says callously.
WOW! Even Compelled Zombie Ripper Stefan wasn’t this cold! Considering that Stefan claims to be doing all this to save his own brother, you would think he would be more sympathetic to Elena’s desire to do the exact same thing. I’m glad when she finally slaps him. He’s had that one coming to him for quite awhile, now . . .
Having heard everything that went on inside Ugly House, Damon grabs hold of Elena’s hand to comfort her over what she’s just endured. “You deal with your brother, and I’ll deal with mine,” Damon assures Elena, sweetly, offering her that sad half smile, he seems to reserve exclusively for her . . .
Fighting the torturous sunburn he’s getting, Damon rushes into the house to talk to Stefan . . . and, of course, by “talk” I mean “beat up.” I kind of feel like Damon and Stefan fight with one another the way other brothers hug, or give eachother Manly Back Pats. And when they stake one another, it’s like their own super secret handshake . . .
During the fighting, grunting, staking, and de-staking, Damon cleverly manages to throw his brother out of the Ugly Witch House, before he starts to look like a cast member on the Jersey Shore. But before they can discuss anything else, Damon has one question he’s been dying to ask his brother since before the hiatus, namely: “Why didn’t you just let Mikael kill Klaus, Ya MORON?”
“I did it to save YOU,” Stefan admits in a way that is surprisingly sheepish, and heartfelt, especially considering the icy way he dealt with Elena earlier.
Elena is absolutely right. Damon truly is the key to Stefan’s humanity. Right now, he’s the only one to whom the latter is willing to show that he still has it. Honestly, the whole fight scene was kind of hilarious (yet oddly sexy), as was Damon’s occasional bratty remarks, like “No wayyyyyy,” and “STOP SAVING ME!”
Once they are done trying to temporarily kill one another, Damon and Stefan eventually come to a truce. “In order to defeat Klaus, you need to be cutthroat and devious,” Damon explains to his little brother. “I am so much better at that than you.”
Stefan does not necessarily disagree. The brothers ultimately agree that they will work together (along with Bonnie) to keep the coffins from Klaus, provided Elena has no part in their plan.
*insert girly growling noises here*
It’s nice to know that Stefan still has some concern for Elena’s well being. And it’s interesting to see how, now, the shoe is on the other foot. Back in “Rose,” Damon compelled Elena to forget his love declaration for her, because he thought that Stefan was “better for her.”
Now, it’s Stefan who’s keeping his distance from Elena, and continuously pushing her away, at least partly, because he knows that Damon will love and protect her, no matter what . . .
As for the coffins, they’ve been hiding in the Ugly Witch House the entire time, only becoming visible when the witches want them to be seen. (Well, at least there’s ONE person those vengeful witches seem to hate more than Damon . . . Klaus). Toward the end of the episode, Bonnie notes that if The Whispers are right, one, in particular, will be the key to Klaus’ undoing. It’s the fourth coffin, the only one that DOESN’T contain an Original Family Member within it. Could this coffin be the one that houses the First Petrova?
Everything Comes to a Head . . . Literally
They say that the definition of “stupidity” is doing the same thing multiple times, and continuing to expect different results. That was exactly what I thought about, when I saw Jeremy once again trying to shoot Tyler with a crossbow, and Tyler once again, catching it. I don’t know. Perhaps, this was just Jeremy’s unique way of “breaking up” with Tyler. No more sex in the champagne room for these two!
Nonetheless, Tyler still obviously has enough of a soul, and independent spirit to want Jeremy stay alive. And for that reason, Tyler warned him that he should stay in his house, because Klaus wasn’t finished with him yet . . .
Back at the Gilbert House, Alaric is FINALLY coming back to life . . . That’s the “good news.” The bad news is that he’s coughing up blood, and somehow still near death’s door. Apparently, while the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality has kept his heart beating, it hasn’t bothered to cure his injuries, thereby making it the Lazy Ass Ring of Immortality.
At this rate, a friggin crossbow would be more effective at protecting Alaric than his ring . . .
A frantic Elena calls the ambulence. But by the time they arrive, someone else is there compelling them to leave. Surprise! It’s Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Seriously, Klaus? Again? This is like on that show Punk’d, when all the pranks starred that same Dax guy for about five seasons, and Ashton Kutcher wondered why suddenly none of the celebrities were being fooled anymore. If Klaus supposedly has all these fabulous sired hybrids, why the heck does he keep using this same one?
“Howdy . . .”
Anywhoo . . . Soon-to-be-Headless tells Elena that, now that the ambulence is gone, Alaric’s only shot at survival is to invite the hybrid inside, and let Alaric drink his blood. I guess this would make Alaric a plain-old vampire, since only Klaus, himself, could make hybrids, and Alaric was never a werewolf. Elena seems torn, having been in a not-entirely-different situation to Alaric herself, not long ago.
Fortunately, however, she doesn’t have to make that choice for Alaric, because Soon-To-Be-Headless was just crossbowed. That’s right. Jeremy is BACK, baby! But wait, he hasn’t finished with the hybrid yet. Striding into the house, like it’s no big THANG, Jeremy reemerges on the porch with a meat cleaver and hacks off Now-Actually-Headless’s skull, as easily as if he’s cutting through butter.
Now, admittedly, this is not the most realistic rendition of a decapitation. In real life, Jeremy would probably have to spend an hour methodically chipping at this guy’s neck, to get through the skin alone. But that’s OK. Because, while this may have been the fakest Head Chop EVER, it was also the sexiest. I mean, can you imagine getting turned on by decapitation? I can . . . now! Heck, even the blood splatters on Jeremy’s face, upon finishing the job are hot!
They look kind of like freckles . . .
Elena doesn’t necessarily think so, though. She’s choking back tears . . . not necessarily because she gives two sh*ts about Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid. Nope, she’s merely mourning the loss of Jeremy’s innocence. Oh honey, you forget that Jeremy once dated Vicki Donovan. I hate to break it to you, Big Gilbert, but that Innocence Ship sailed away a LOOOOONG time ago . . .
Paging, Dr. Fell . . .
At the hospital, Alaric’s doctor is Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill. No, I’m sorry, I mean, Psychotic B*tch Sister Melissa from Pretty Little Liars. OMG, how am I supposed to trust this woman, when every single solitary role she takes, her character ends up being a totally evil wackadoo. (She’s also Paul Wesley’s real-life wife. Go figure!)
Anywhoo, Doctor Not-Crazy-Nanny-Carrie and Not-Psychotic-B*tch-Sister-Melissa is super flirty with Alaric. She’s also super intrigued by his miraculous healing abilities and wants to study him in a lab. (Not the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard . . . but I’ve certainly heard better.)
Dr. Fell’s “game” improves a bit, when she asks Alaric if he has a guardian angel, or he “sold his soul to the devil.” Alaric’s clever reply, “a little bit of both,” actually describes Damon Salvatore to a tee, don’t you think?
But more important than her flirting abilities, perhaps, is the “good” doctor’s name. Dr. Fell wants Alaric to call her by her first name: Meredith. Intrepid TVD book fans will recall that “Meredith” was Book Elena’s smart, sardonic, dark-haired, and olive-complexioned “other best friend,” aside from Bonnie. They will also recall that “Meredith” dated the vampire hunter / history teacher, Alaric Saltzman throughout most of the series.
So, is this the TVD writers way of FINALLY introducing this character — who by the way, was a real fan favorite — into the television series? Well, that remains to be seen. Torrey Devitto definitely “looks” the way Meredith was described in the books (though she’s about ten years older). But I just don’t trust her . . . and if she’s a character I can’t trust, she’s NOT Book Meredith. Sorry Crazy Nanny Carrie . . .
A “fair trade” . . .
In a scene and plotline that was surprisingly reminiscent of Elena’s decision to go against both Salvatore’s wishes, and un-dagger Elijah, so that he could help her kill Klaus, Elena decides to invite Klaus into her home . . .
. . . and offer him the not-particularly-dead Staked Rebekah, in exchange for a promise of Jeremy’s continued safety. Before Klaus can accept the bargain, Elena lets him know two important pieces of information: (1) Elena, as we know was the one who staked Rebekah. So, if Klaus still needs Elena, for her blood, or just for leverage, Klaus will have to keep Rebekah from killing the Petrova Doppelganger. (2) Rebekah knows that Klaus killed their mother.
Klaus ultimately accepts the terms of Elena’s deal, but still wants Elena to help him find Stefan. Elena hasn’t turned her back on her former beau quite enough yet to reveal his whereabouts to Klaus. She does let the Original Hybrid, however, that there is no longer any love lost between the pair. “Stefan doesn’t care about me, anymore,” she explains resolutely. “You turned him into a monster, and now he’s your problem.”
Recognizing that Stefan is no longer a sufficient bargaining chip to auction in exchange for Elena’s loyalty, and that Jeremy is now off the table, Klaus reminds Elena that he can still kill other people she loves, like Caroline, Bonnie, or . . . . wait for it . . . DAMON!
NOOOOOOO!
Needless to say, Klaus threat was a highly effective one . . .
Someone’s in the kitchen with Elena . . .
Speaking of Damon, back at the Gilbert house, he chivalrously agrees to dispose of Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid’s body, while Elena frantically scrubs at her bloody hands. (Why are you’re hands so bloody, Elena? And don’t say it’s from “cleaning the porch,” because I don’t buy it. Did you soak them in the Poor Guy’s disembodied skull?)
Back in “Homecoming” Elena took a very angry, betrayed, drunk, and frightened, Damon’s face in both of her hands, and told him him that they would survive whatever Klaus through their way . . . together. Now, in “The New Deal,” Damon is returning the favor. His “are you all right?” absolutely echoes Elena’s own words to him, earlier in the episode.
And the way Damon pulls Elena’s shaking body and tear-stricken face toward his own and promises her that he will fix things for her, and her increasingly dysfunctional family says so much about what these two individuals mean to one another, and the way each lifts the other up, when they are feeling particularly weak and vulnerable . . .
(Sidenote: I noticed that, while Elena immediately admitted to giving up Rebekah to Klaus, Damon, though clearly torn about it, kept his alliance with Stefan from Elena. Presumably, Elena still thinks Damon agrees with her about giving up the coffin. I just hope this little white lie doesn’t come back to bite Damon in the butt later, especially considering the AMAZING place these two finally have reached in their relationship . . .)
For your own good . . .
How interesting that both Klaus and Elena “give up” their younger siblings, purportedly for their own good, and to “keep them safe,” but possibly for selfish reasons as well. Klaus shows some surprisingly vulnerability when he de-stakes Rebekah in the house he has built in order to reunite with his family. He watches her hand twitch back to life with excitement and anticipation.
But then he remembers Elena’s words. I think Klaus re-stakes Rebekah, because he doesn’t want to face the way she will look at him, now that she knows he has killed their mother. He fears her disappointment . . . her accusations . . . and her judgments. So, while, I’m sure a part of him keeps Rebekah daggered to “protect” her from those who would use her against him, a larger part of him does it to protect himself . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Damon finds Jeremy in Elena’s bedroom and tells him that his sister thinks it’s time the two of them had another one of their talks. He’s surprisingly paternal about it, just as he was the first time Damon compelled Jeremy, in order to make him forget the circumstances surrounding Vicki’s death. Damon’s compulsion here has the same effect, more or less. It takes away Jeremy’s pain, and leads him to Denver for a new life . . . one that is free from supernatural threats . . . one that will most likely not require him to chop off some hybrid’s head to save his family.
But Damon also takes away Jeremy’s natural concern for the well-being of his sister, and that troubled me a bit. Aside from my not wanting to see the character go, I’m just not sure how long compulsion like that could stick. How many times will Jeremy brush off inquiries about his family back home, before he starts to wonder himself, whether something is missing from his life? Perhaps, this was done on purpose to allow Steven R. McQueen to return to the show at a later date . . .
I hope so, because I feel like this story is not over. By having Damon compel Jeremy, she kept him safe, but she also removed his free will, and treated him like a child. She did the exact same thing she criticized Damon for doing to her, when he force fed her his own blood, back in “The Last Day.” Of course, she did it out of love . . . but I think she also did it to help herself feel a sense of control in the crazy world in which she was living, and to free herself from guilt . . .
And it’s this familial “guilt” that plays a big role in this episode’s epic finale . . .
These lips were made for Ambush Kissing . . .
Back at the end of Season 1, there was a kiss that took place on the Gilbert Porch. It preceded a speech, in which Damon thanked a person he “thought” was Elena, for making him into a better person, and for seeing him as someone who was worth saving. And though that person actually ended up being “Katherine,” staunch Delena fans adopted the scene was one of their own, hoping upon hope that it would be revisited, one day . . . and that, this time, it would be REAL . . .
Two years later, we got our wish, but with some crucial differences. This time, it’s Elena who’s thanking Damon for being there for her . . . for seeing her as someone who is worth saving . . . for making her feel like a better person, even when she’s making morally ambiguous decisions.
Elena, who wasn’t actually on the porch that last time, doesn’t see the parallel between this scene, and the last one. But Damon does. And it’s Elena’s thankfulness that Damon is alive, that reminds him of how Elena was the person who kept him alive on Founder’s Day, but Stefan kept him alive during “Homecoming,” This makes Damon feel guilty enough to admit to Elena that Stefan hasn’t totally turned off his emotions, and that his continued vitality is at least somewhat responsible for the danger in which all of them are currently enmeshed.
This expression of guilt causes Elena to wonder, once again, whether Stefan is really lost forever. However, it causes Damon to feel guilt about something else, entirely, his love for Elena. But this time, Damon isn’t going to relive the unrequited heartache of “Rose.” He’s not going to be “selfless” by compelling Elena to forget his kiss . . . his love for her. Rather, he’s going to own up to the strong feelings he’s felt for this woman for two years now . . . feelings he’s finally starting to see, might be returned.
Damon’s kiss in “Founder’s Day,” was sweet and tentative. His kiss here is intense, decisive, passionate, and filled with two years worth of pent-up emotion. More importantly, Elena kisses him back! Watch as she grabs the hand he has cupped on her cheek, in order to pull Damon closer, and prolong this beautiful and delicious moment between them . . .
Now, while I would have loved for Elena to have been the one to pull Damon into a kiss, the first time he walked off that porch, in some ways, this was more meaningful, given Damon’s history of always giving up Elena for the greater good. His manning up to his love for her, will hopefully give her the swift kick in the ass she needs to make the next move.
The song that’s playing during this scene is called “Holding on and Letting Go,” by Ross Cooperman. While Damon and Elena are kissing the lyrics talk about one door swinging closed, and another door swinging open. Now, of course, this could refer to any number of things that happened throughout the episode: Alaric’s growing mortality, Tyler’s realization of Klaus’ hold on him, Klaus’ re-staking of Rebekah, Jeremy’s departure, Damon’s and Stefan’s truce . . . but personally, I’m hoping it refers to the state of Elena’s heart . . .
On that note, check out the extended promo for next week’s episode entitled “Our Town” . . . (bad segway, I know) . . .
As for our friends in Canada, I’m actually a bit less impressed with the Canadian promo, this time around. Aside from that “car scene,” which the CW had already released, there isn’t much here, that we didn’t see in the promo above. Nevertheless, here you go . . .
Now, it’s your turn. Let me know what you thought about Jeremy’s departure, the Delena kiss, Tyler’s betrayal, Crazy Nanny Carrie’s arrival, Ripper Stefan 8.0, and anything else related to this fabulous show that I feel so lucky to have gracing my television screen, each week. Until next time, Fangbangers . . .
It looks like someone just found out Charlie’s Angels was canceled . . .
Howdy, Fangbangers! Well, it looks like we have bit, staked, compelled, danced, and de-hearted our way through another mid-season finale of The Vampire Diaries. And man, was this episode a doozy! For me, “Homecoming” struck me very much as the unofficial sequel / bookend to one of my favorite TVD episodes, of all time. Of course, I’m referring to the epic “Masquerade.”
Think about it. Both episodes featured a major black tie optional event at the Lockwood Mansion. Both episodes featured a plan, concocted by the Scooby Gang to take down a significant enemy, in which most of the main characters played a significant role.
Both episodes contained a number of shocking twists, turns, and fake outs, as the show wound its way toward its epic conclusion. And both episodes offered up some doppelganger hijinks, which resulted in Elena being absent for a key portion of the action.
Of course, there was one very important difference between “Masquerade” and “Homecoming.” In “Masquerade,” the Scooby Gang’s ultimate goal was to KILL Katherine (or at least entomb her for a few million years). But in “Homecoming,” Katherine ended up being, arguably the most important secret weapon the Scooby Gang had against their REAL enemy . . . Klaus.
So, slip into your favorite dress or suit, and choke back a few bags of blood. Because it’s time to attend “Homecoming” . . .
(Andre, as always . . . the screencaps were amazing! Thank you!)
The Body
“White Oak Daggers . . . all the BEST Originals are wearing them.”
We begin this episode, with Stefan calling his boyfriend, Klaus, from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, to inform him that his Daddy’s dead, and to ask him what he wants to do with the body.
“I’ve been missing our nightly phone sex chats, Klaus. You haven’t forsaken me for that Teeny Bopper Wolf, Tyler, have you?
The fact that this episode both begins and ends with a phone call involving the care and maintenance of Original corpses is just one of the many brilliant touches to this multi-faceted little gem of an episode. Another interesting irony of this scene? Stefan’s words actually end up being TRUE, by the episode’s end.
But, since we are just at the beginning, let’s try not to get too much ahead of ourselves here . . .
As it turns out, Stefan’s phone call to Klaus is actually the SECOND STEP, in the longest, most drawn out, Scooby Gang plan to murder its Big Bad . . . EVER. We flash back a bit, at this point, to just about twenty or so minutes earlier, during which our stalwart crew engages in one of its trademark Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation. (We haven’t had one of THESE in a while.)
During this exchange, we learn that, Stefan is the only person who could successfully lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls, with the promise of Mikael’s death. However, since Stefan has been compelled to obey, and be more or less honest with the Original Hybrid, Mikael must ACTUALLY be dead, in order for him to make this phone call.
So, Mikael graciously allows Elena to stake him, since, as a human, she is the only one who can do so with White Oak Ash Temporary Murder Weapon, without meeting her maker, herself. Elena quickly does the deed, without much fuss.
“Oooh, yeah. A little to the left. That feels good.”
Then, Stefan makes his phone call, during which a very depressed, and clearly conflicted Rebekah, confirms the existence of her father’s corpse to Klaus.
“Well, of course it’s him! How many thousand year-old vampires named Mikael do YOU know?”
Did I mention that Mikael’s “Big Bad Klaus Killing Weapon,” is nothing but another, slightly more phallic stylish, looking dagger? Yeah . . . that disappointed me too. I was hoping for some gruesome, gory, step-by-step dismemberment process, or something equally sexy or complex. Not a an ornately hand-crafted wooden weiner . . . So, much for Originals being “hard to kill.”
“Did someone say, ‘hard?’ 😉
Oh, and the worst part? ANYONE (including your grandma), can hold and wield this dagger. So, it doesn’t even possess any cool, non-Original vampire-murdering properties, like its slightly smaller predecessor. LAME!
Just a small quibble . . . I’ll return to Positivity Town, now. Thank you, very much . . .
The Bonding
In a show of false bravado, Rebekah paints her toenails, as she waits for her Bad Dad to wake up, so that he can head off to kill her Big Bad Bro.
“You know, I haven’t had a good pedicure, since 1921. THANKS Klaus!”
You know, I have to say, out of all the characters on the show, Rebekah wins the dubious award this week, for Character Whose Life Sucks the Most. I mean, imagine helping your dad — who you’ve been taught to hate, your entire life — to kill your brother, because that brother killed your mother, and, to some extent, your ENTIRE FAMILY. I mean, it’s not exactly the type of situation they make Hallmark cards for . . .
13
“What the f*&k are Hallmark cards?”
“Nothing you say matters to me,” says Rebekah, as her father returns to the living, though both vampires in the room, know this to be a lie.
No matter how awful our family members might be (and Rebekah’s are clearly the most awful of all), we are always subconsciously seeking their approval . . .
Mikael then asks where his precious peni$ dagger is hiding. And Rebekah responds that Elena has it, the unspoken implication of that statement being, “I want to make sure you don’t try to impregnate kill me with it, you A$$HAT!”
“Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.”
Mikael, ever the warm and loving soul he is, promises Rebekah that he wouldn’t use that dagger to kill Rebekah . . . only her mother-killing brother. “And [Klaus] will die for what he did,” explains Rebekah calmly. “But you did this to us, when you turned us into vampires. YOU destroyed our family, not him.”
“So, THERE!”
These were pretty strong words coming from Rebekah . . . words that make me wonder how many thousands of years she must have spent in therapy to come to this very conclusion. 🙂 And while, Rebekah’s accusations clearly impact her father, I can’t help but wonder whether Rebekah too easily brushes aside her brother’s evil acts, as the mere result of his being an Original . . .
Because yes, we are ALL a product of our families. And Mikael’s behavior toward Klaus definitely scarred him for life, as we saw in last week’s “Ordinary People.” Of course, Klaus would NOT have had all this power, to do all these bad things, had it not been for the spell that turned him into a vampire in the first place. On the other hand, there are plenty of vampires who have bad dads, but don’t behave like Klaus . . . Caroline, being the most notable one.
“Take THAT, fellow Bad Dad Vamps!”
But to some extent, Klaus’ own siblings, Rebekah and Elijah prove this point as well. Because while both are generally pretty scary indiviuals, neither of them is Klaus . . .
“Yeah, I know. I’m bad ass.”
This super intriguing scene, is followed by a super dull one, during which Bonnie mopes a bit about the fact that her ex-boyfriend would rather bang dead chicks than her.
“I know it might be fun to take time out of your busy Klaus-killing, Damon flirting schedule to talk about our feeeeelings.”
However, lest you think this TVD moment was nothing more than a two-minute waste of your precious pre-hiatus air time, I’d like to propose that this scene was actually MILDLY important, in that it hinted at the episode’s theme.
When Elena encourages Bonnie to open up and discuss her feelings about her Tragic Break-up with Jer Bear, Bonnie refuses, due to the fact that Elena is Jeremy’s brother, and will love him unconditionally, no matter what.
“Awww . . .”
“So, what,” you might be thinking. “Jeremy wasn’t even IN this episode! What do his Ghost F*&ker tendencies have to do with “Homecoming.” Ahhh . . . true. But the key word in Bonnie’s statement isn’t “Jeremy,” it’s “brother.”
Do you see where I’m going with this? Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
The Contingency Plan
Honestly, this picture has nothing to do with this section of the recap at all. Consider this my way of expressing my own personal dissatisfaction at the lack of Damon shirtlessness, of late . . .
Damon and Elena are having sexmaking out making wolfsbane grenades, while Elena cautions Damon about the fact that more than half of the members of their Kill Klaus Team are untrustworthy vampire douchebags. Fortunately, Damon is well aware of this fact, which is why he has a Super Top Secret Kill Klaus Contingency Plan. HOORAY!
But before Damon can reveal, anymore, Ripper Stefan stops by to borrow a tie. Apparently, all Stefan’s regular ties are lame. I love how becoming a Ripper has seemed to awaken Stefan’s latent fashion sense gene. (Have you notice, his hair has improved, since he went “bad?”) Now, since Stefan believes himself to be Season , Damon, he also apparently, wants to raid Damon’s Season 1 wardrobe . . .
“Might you be so kind as to lend me a pair of boxer briefs?”
And yet, I’ve actually never seen Damon OR Stefan wear any sort of tie that wasn’t black . . . So much for pushing the fashion envelope! Now, Klaus on the other hand, there’s a guy, who probably has some crazy ass ties . . .
“I once wore this tie, made entirely out of champagne glasses.”
Anywhoo, Elena seems to be in a pretty sassy, Katherine-esque mood, of late (an aspect of this episode, which will prove to come in very handy later). So, she helpfully suggests that Stefan stay home from the dance, since he seems incapable of properly dressing his new evil self.
“I’m sorry, Stefan. Damon no longer has any ties. We’ve ruined all of them during our hard core screwing, fighting and biting sessions . . .”
Stefan jabs right back at his ex-girlfriend, reminding her that he has been compelled to protect her . . . and that her track record, both for BIG PLANS, and school dances . . . well . . . it pretty much sucks.
(Technically, this is true. All three dances that Elena attended with Stefan, ended with her almost getting killed. There was, however, one dance that ended decidedly better . . .)
In fact, Stefan “worries,” that without his company, Elena might find herself murdered by the homecoming queen. Touche, Stefan . . . touche!
“What’s that supposed to mean? You think I’m not hot enough to win homecoming queen?”
Quick to stick up for his soon-to-be girlfriend, Damon helpfully reminds Stefan that, since he’s Klaus’ bitch, HE’S the one more likely to inadvertently screw up the Gang’s plans, with his compulsive (and compelled) honesty, when it comes to responding to Klaus’ questions and requests.
But Stefan retorts that only ONE person in the room has illustrated a habit for letting HER humanity get in the way of their plans . . .
“Ooh, what do we have here . . . Stefan Salvatore’s number? DELETE!”
Ahh . . . humanity. If brotherhood is the theme of this episode, “humanity” is it’s buzzword, both in it’s literal, and its more metaphoric sense . . .
All Hail Evil Blood Sluts
Over at the school, two NON humans, Caroline and Tyler are glittering-up the gym together. (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex.)
Tyler suggests they ditch the glitter and go eat some people who genuinely enjoy being chewed on by vampires. (Hmmm . . . hickeys from Damon and Tyler? YES PLEASE!)
“Or I could just spray glitter all over your boobs. Take your pick.”
Prissy Caroline is APPALLED by ths concept — overtly sexual as it may be — and chastizes Tyler for hanging out with, and being adversely influenced by, as Caroline calls her, That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah.
Tyler promptly moves himself even further into the dog house, by telling Caroline how That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah is going to the Homecoming Dance with Matt, as per his suggestion. Caroline, apparently, thinks Matt is just too sweet and innocent to dance with an Evil Blood Slut. (Really, Caroline? Because he wasn’t so “sweet and innocent,” when he conspired with your mother to KILL YOU!)
Don’t think we forgot!
“Is this some weird family component of the sire thing?” Caroline asks, frustratedly.
And I’ve gotta say, I simply adored Tyler’s response. “I’ve got glitter all over my hands . . . If I’m sired to anyone, it’s you.”
I guess that’s what they call it, nowadays . . . siring. 😉
(So, basically, becoming a Ripper has made Stefan a better dresser. And becoming Klaus’ b*tch has made Tyler funnier. In conclusion, EVIL IS AWESOME!)
Speaking of That Evil Blood Slut / Barbie Klaus, she’s over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, wearing her token red dress, we got a peak at last week . . . a dress that looks oddly similar to the one Caroline ends up wearing . . . both to this dance, and to the “Masquerade.”
“I look WAY better in this than that chick I ate, who was wearing it last.”
Elena approaches Rebekah from behind, and attempts to bond with the super depressed Lady Vamp. When Rebekah admits that this is her first Homecoming Dance, since she and Klaus have always been too busy running from Mikael to do anything resembling a real high school experience, Elena gallantly thanks her for helping the Scooby Gang KILL KLAUS.
Then Elena offers Rebekah her old Original Witch necklace, as a token of her affection and friendship, before LITERALLY STABBING HER IN THE BACK with that trusty white oak ash dagger!
“I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything to chance either,” says Elena, as Rebekah falls to the floor . . . just slightly more undead than usual.
“Does this stake in my back make my ass look big?”
OUCH! Even Damon thought that was cold, as he wrapped the dead chick up in a blanket or rug, or something. Talk about Katherine-esque!
Nevertheless, Stefan’s words have caused Elena to worry about whether her humanity WILL screw up the Kill Klaus plan. Knowing Elena’s track record of SH*TTY PLANS gone awry, Damon can’t actually disagree with her. But he can promise her that, she won’t screw THIS plan up, since, from this point on she will no longer have any part in it.
“Do you trust me?” Damon asks.
“Yes,” Elena replies, unequivocally . . . which, if you know these two at all, you know is a pretty HUGE step in the progression of their relationship, both as friends and, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY, for me, anyway, as lovers . . .
“Then, you have nothing to worry about,” Damon replies.
Eeeek, did you REALLY have to say that, Damon? Now, you’ve pretty much ensured that both you AND Elena will have something very significant to worry about, by the episode’s end . . .
The Flood
One thing ALL the seniors at Mystic Falls High are going to have to worry about, is natural disasters. After a flood magically appears probably because Klaus made it so at the school, the students find themselves without a suitable locale for their dance that night. But, no biggies, Tyler can hold it at his house. . . . You know, because that’s what filthy rich people DO, when the going gets tough . . . they invite an entire student body into their living room.
That said, “Tyler’s” generous gesture reminded me a little bit of Logan Echoll’s “Alterna-Prom” bid, on Veronica Mars.
If you watched the show, you know exactly to what I’m referring. If not, you can just skip this comment, entirely . . .
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Matt too finds himself in need of a contingency plan . . . considering that his “Original” Date, is a bit “DEAD” at the moment. (Man! That sucks, Rebekah. Here’s hoping you stick around long enough to go to NEXT year’s Homecoming . . . though, I doubt it.) Have no fear, Matt. “ELENA” can be your date.
“Aww man! Now I have to take ANOTHER hot girl to the dance. My life sucks! I so wish I was back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.”
Initially, I was annoyed by this development, since I REALLY wanted Elena and Damon to go to the dance as dates. And yet, considering that “ELENA” was actually Ka . . . well, more on this later . . .
“I’m picturing all of you naked right now. It helps that I’m not wearing any pants.”
Wow, “Tyler” throws a rockin, Homecoming Dance. . . complete with My Morning Jacket, providing the music for the evening, and more people in attendance than could possibly attend Mystic Falls High, EVER . . . especially considering the death rate at that school. This, of course, makes Caroline FURIOUS. She can’t date a guy who’s a better party planner than she is? What would SHE contribute to the relationship?
“Aside from the obvious, of course.”
Of course, as Tyler admits, he didn’t actually plan this party . . . Klaus did. And it’s not a Homecoming Dance, it’s more like a WAKE . . . for Mikael . . . an event for which Klaus has been preparing for a thousand years. (Hmm . . . interesting . . . is this your clever way of telling us that the members of the band, My Morning Jacket, are vampires? ;))
Odd though it was, Klaus’ wake for Mikael sure beat the one Matt through for Vicki, which more or less consisted of this . . .
Meanwhile, “Elena” and Matt arrive at the dance. And Matt wonders out loud whether their attending together is “weird.” “Elena” then tells Matt to “act normal,” and “not tell anyone” . . . a rather obvious indication that doppelganger hijinks have just ensued, for those who are paying attention . . . (Wow, lately Matt has been more involved in the Kill Klaus games than Caroline. What exactly is this show coming to?)
The Cannibal
Klaus and Stefan make their first encounter, since the whole “Emotions Flip Switch” thing. Klaus promises Stefan that, by way of saying thanks for delivering Mikael to him, Klaus will grant him freedom from his own compulsion, upon Mikael’s death.
(Awww! How generous of Klaus! Personally, I would have settled for a Wii Entertainment System, and one of those fun little “Just Dance” games.) Then, Klaus and Stefan make out . . . Just kidding!
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Mikael are shooting the breeze, and discussing Mikael’s all vampire diet. Apparently, Mikael’s decision to hunt “the predator,” instead of the prey, stems, in a weird way, from his guilt for creating the vampire population to begin with. Talk about eating your feelings!
This conversation is interrupted upon Stefan’s entrance, and instruction that Mikael’s “body” must be delivered to Klaus. Damon responds that Stefan is no longer a part of the plan. And then Mikael EATS HIM
“Nom, Nom, Nom . . . tastes like Ripper.”
. . . well, really he just gnaws on his neck, a little bit.
I love how horrified Damon looked by the prospect of someone SNACKING ON HIS BROTHER, particularly given how many women and men, his brother has similarly snacked on.
“My brother is going to have one hell of an ugly hickey . . .”
Damon suggests to Mikael that a neck breaking would have been a more humane way to temporarily take him out of commission. I don’t know, I think the Vampire Hickey Method was great . . . It sure beats all those boring stakings, we’ve witnessed, of late . . .
“You wouldn’t feel that way, if I shoved this up your ass.”
The Betrayal
Back at the party, Klaus and Tyler are doing the whole “Hybrid / Sire” bonding thing, when Klaus lets Tyler in on a little secret . . . he has Baby Hybrid brothers, now! And they are all at the party, waiting patiently to kill Tyler’s friends and lover. Now, THAT’s sibling rivalry, for you. But Klaus is not a total douchebag (just about 99.9999% of one).
“Don’t worry, Tylerpoo. You will always be my favorite.”
Klaus then (1) compels Tyler’s mother to go to church, and PRAY for the Scooby Gang; and (2) he gives Tyler the opportunity to warn his friends about what’s about to go down, likely figuring that, by the time they try to do something about it, it will be too late, anyway . . .
Tyler then brings Caroline to one of his twenty or so BEDROOMS to have wild, hot, and dirty sex, YAY to talk about what “Caroline’s friends” are planning to do to Klaus. Caroline claims she doesn’t know. Actually, for once, she’s not lying. But, she tells Tyler, that, even if she DID know, she wouldn’t tell him, because, as Klaus’ sire he’s Team Evil, now, and, therefore, can’t be trusted. Tyler responds to this by . . . VERVAINING HER IN THE NECK!
“Would this be a bad time to ask, if I could borrow fifty bucks? No? Gee, thanks!”
Talk about COLD. Apparently, this is a very bad day for Vampire Barbies. It’s an OK day for Human Ken dolls, though. Tyler finds Matt and commandeers his help to do what he, as Klaus’ bitch, literally no longer can: (1) bring Caroline to safety; and (2) warn the rest of the Scooby Gang that the Big Bad Hybrid, has brought some Big Bad Reinforcements, along to the party with him.
“Listen, Matt. I’m going to do something very nice for you. I am going to allow you to fondle my unconscious girlfriend. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?”
The Battle Royale
Here’s another important scene for you, that seems fairly useless, on first watch. Klaus sees “Elena,” and stops by to metaphorically whip out his member to her, and remind her what a SUPER EVIL SUPER VILLAIN, he is. When Klaus notes that “Elena,” seems nervous, she replies, “No, I just don’t like you.”
“BAZINGA!”
Oooh . . . SASSY! Klaus then warns Faux-lena that, whatever plan the Scooby Gang has cooked up against him, it’s going to fail, miserably, because . . . well . . . because clearly, while Klaus has been away on Hybrid business, he’s also been watching Seasons 1 and 2 of The Vampire Diaries on DVD. There’s actually a bit more to this conversation. But we don’t get to hear it yet, because we are busy watching Damon de-heart some newbie hybrid security guard.
“I hope you enjoyed your two seconds of screen time, Klaus’ extra!”
Our hero then enters the Lockwood house to find Klaus’ bitch, Tyler, on his way out . . .Wall Slams and Bite Fights Galore ensue. It’s kind of sexy, actually.
“Hey, Ty . . . mind if I throw a breath mint in their, before we finish fighting? That’s pretty rank.”
Then Bonnie has to ruin tthe Glorious Tamon Moment with her Witchy Migraine making fingers, which she uses to make Tyler pass out.
“Wow, I guess he’s REALLY not a fan of My Morning Jacket . . .”
And another one down . . . another one down . . . another one bites the dust.
“I’m practicing my Thriller Dance. What do you think?”
They really are just dropping like flies, this week, aren’t they? I had to laugh when Damon bitched at Bonnie for Witch Migraining Damon, in addition to Tyler.
“Dammit! I have a Bonnie in my ear!”
Silly Damon! Haven’t you learned by now, Bonnie’s going to take every single possible opportunity to torture you, at every chance she gets?
This is also the part of the story, where we learn that DAMON is the one holding the pretty, pretty Originals-killing peni$ dagger, since HE is the only vampire still standing with “permission” to enter the Lockwood mansion . . .
The Showdown
The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally arrives, when Klaus finds himself face-to-face with Mikael . . . having instructed his hybrids to bring the rest of the party outside, in preparation for this epic confrontation. Of course, said confrontation would seem a whole lot more epic, if Mikael could actually cross the threshhold into the Lockwood Mansion.
“Might I be invited in for a bite to eat? I’ve brought this delicious doppelganger tart for you to try.”
Now, the Big Bad Pair are just standing a few feet away from one another, having a pissing contest. Mikael goads Klaus a bit, reminding him what a coward he is, and explaining to him that, while those trusty hybrids were sired by Klaus, they could still be compelled to rip him to shreds, by Original Mikael . . .
Gay for Klaus . . . but ZOMBIES for Mikael.
Oh, and it seems Mikael has an ace up his sleeve . . . Elena . . . at knifepoint. Hello, Blood Bag! This pissing contest just got REAL . . .
You know, I talk a lot on this website about Ugly Cry Faces, but you know who has a GORGEOUS Cry Face, Joseph Morgan . . . in fact, in the GORGEOUS Cry Face department, Joseph gives Ian a REAL run for his money!
HAWWWWT!
Klaus really gets those waterworks flowing, when Mikael starts telling him how nobody really cares about him, and that he can only earn loyalty by controlling it.
Well, that’s only partly true, Mikael, I happen to know a lot of TVD fans, who care about Klaus, a whole bunch.
Klaus doesn’t really believe that Mikael would kill Elena, since she’s the lead female character on The Vampire Diaries his “ace in the hole.” And decides to call his bluff. Mikael then, tells Klaus that his impulses are what keep him from being great. And so . . . MIKAEL KILLS ELENA . . . on impulse, of course (which, I would have been a lot more shocked by, if there was actually a chance in hell that she would actually die).
“O Face Alert!”
But it looks like the joke is really on Mikael, because, moments later, as Damon pops up inside the house, with his peni$ dagger, Elena comes back from the dead . . . Oh, wait . . . that’s KATHERINE! And she’s holding those wolfsbane grenades we saw Damon and Elena making at the beginning of the episode. “Ba-boom,” she says, gleefully, as she blasts those Baby Vamp Teen Wolves.
“SUCKAS!”
“Baby you’re a fiiiiiiirework. Come on show them whaaat you’re worth . . . without limbs.”
Things start happening pretty fast, then. Damon BEGINS to stake Klaus, actually getting as far, as to have the knife in his chest (Honestly, I’m not sure, how he didn’t die instantly from that. Peni$ Dagger officially sucks.) But then STEFAN tackles Damon to the ground. OUCH!
This causes the Peni$ Dagger to fall to the ground, and Klaus to get it. Klaus then rushes out of the house, and stabs Mikael, causing him to burst into flames . . . (Well, that’s one way to clean up a dead body.)
It looks like one of those commercials for Tums antacids.
Wow, nice knowing ya, Mikael, you were . . . not nearly as bad ass, as I hoped you would be.
You do have an excellent tan for a vampire, though . . .
Then, Klaus, who oddly enough, like his brother Elijah, seems to be a man of his word, at least, to some extent, generously frees Stefan from his compulsion, giving him the opportunity to face what he has done, should he ever decide to turn back on his emotions.
“I’ll never forget you, Klaus . . . (unless you compel me to do so, which, under the circumstances, I probably wouldn’t mind that much).”
But . . . will he? More on that in just a bit . . .
The Break-up
Caroline awakens in some random Bedroom.
“I’m so glad that pesky vervaining didn’t mess up my hair or makeup. I may win prom queen yet . . .”
Soon after, Tyler pops in, braced for a lecture.
“Well, this is awkward.”
As expected, Caroline is quick to scold Tyler for vervaining his girlfriend to keep her out of danger, as opposed to . . . oh . . . I don’t know, telling her to go home and watch Dancing with the Stars, or something. But Tyler didn’t do that, because he KNOWS Caroline, and KNOWS that she would never be able to willingly leave the house, knowing that her friends are in danger. In other words, Tyler stabbed his girlfriend FOR HER OWN GOOD. (How very Damon from “The Last Dance,” of him.)
Caroline then admits that she is having issues with the fact that Tyler seems so very cool with being gay for Klaus. So, Tyler, does his best to explain to Caroline why this is so. And, for the record, I think he makes a pretty good argument . . . a selfish argument, sure. But a good one.
You see, for Tyler, the coolest thing about being a hybrid, is that he can change into a werewolf at will, or, not at all, if that’s what he chooses. This means, he never has to endure the painful transformation we witnessed him and Caroline experiencing together, last season.
So, what if Tyler is destined to spend the rest of eternity as Klaus’ b*tch? At least that won’t result in him having to crack all his bones every month, while dirty, naked, and smoking hot, looking? It’s a pretty fair trade, as far as Tyler is concerned . . .
“I’ll drink to that.”
Tyler hopes that Caroline will forgive him his Klaus’ b*tchness, just as she forgave his killing that random slutty chick, back in the “Masquerade,” when their relationship truly began, his monthly werewolf-ness, that whole, “left her locked in the cage a few minutes too long,” thing, the “shooting” Stefan thing, and the almost killing Damon thing. But, nope, apparently, GAY FOR KLAUS is the straw that breaks the Hybrid’s back.
All it takes from Tyler, is one look at Caroline’s face, and he knows the two are dunzo . . .
“One goodbye f*&K?”
“Think about it, and get back to me later . . .”
Honestly, I’m a bit surprised at Caroline, who is usually SO much less judgmental. After all, Katherine didn’t NEED compulsion OR a sire relationship, back in early Season 2, when she forced the Vampire Barbie to spy on her own best friends, Elena and Stefan, and bring news back to her. You would think that she, of all people, could understand the notion of being forced to do the bidding of those who are significantly more powerful than you . . .
In addition, to being a Forwood fan, who just LOOOOOVES watching these two crazy kids get naked on a regular basis, I’m upset by the Forwood breakup, because I suspect it will be what throws Tyler off the rails into full-fledged villainy, just when we were starting to examine the complex layers of his character. Being Klaus’ b*tch is one thing . . . but being the Robin to Klaus’ Batman, is quite the other . . .
We get our Delena scene a little early this week, in that it’s the second to the last scene, as opposed to the usual last one. And, while I was hoping for something a bit more substantial (like a kiss, or a love declaration) given this is a pre-hiatus episode, I’m still fairly content with what we got.
We find poor Damon by the fire, brooding, angry, and incredibly distraught over the fact that Klaus is still alive. After all, despite having seemingly thought of EVERYTHING, and corrected all the mistakes of Plans Past, Damon and his gang still lost. More adorable soulful crying ensues.
Fortunately, for Damon, Elena knows him well enough to know exactly what he needs, cupping his face, and comforting him, in a way that is sweet, romantic, and above all, surprisingly optimistic, given all that’s happened. The biggest development in the Delena relationship this week, is the creation of this “we” Elena refers to. Elena used to use Damon’s name every chance that she got, typically as a means for lecturing him, or setting his own motives and desires apart from her own.
But now, Elena views her and Damon as a unit, a team . . . a couple(?) “WE will survive this,” Elena assures Damon, as she strokes his cheeks.
My, my, my, have the tables turned! Back during “The Birthday,” Damon was telling Elena that Stefan wasn’t going to come back to himself in her lifetime. He was instructing her to let go.
Then, gradually, as the season progressed, Elena gave Damon hope that his brother would eventually return to himself. But now, it’s Elena who seems willing to be free of Stefan, while Damon is still mourning his brother’s loss . . .
It seems odd that all of this is going down, just moments after Stefan’s been given freedom from Klaus’ compulsion. But, hey, I’m a Delena fan. Who am I to complain about a thing like that?
Speaking of me being a Delena fan . . . WE WERE COCKBLOCKED AGAIN! AGAIN, TVD WRITERS! Why do you hate us, so? Damon’s and Elena’s faces were inches apart. They were clearly about to kiss, when, RING RING RING, it’s friggin Katherine!
“Should I throw my phone in the fire, too?”
(And I never thought I’d say that about Katherine.) Now, she’s two for two on her cockblock attempts.
What Katherine says to Damon on the phone is fairly insignificant. What IS significant about the scene, though, is who is in the car with him . . .
The REAL Deal
“You know, a few weeks back, you’re brother banged me in this car. And, if you want to feel closer to him, that might be a good way to do it. Just sayin’.”
“He still doesn’t know where it all went wrong,” says Katherine, frustratedly.
“He doesn’t need to know,” replies Stefan.
“I’m a little carsick. Would you mind opening the window, so I don’t puke blood all over your face?”
When then flashback a bit, to learn that, during their meeting, Klaus told “Elena,” that, if Klaus died, the hybrids would be compelled to kill Damon.” Katherine then went to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wake him up, and tell him what was about to go down. She instructed Stefan to turn back on his emotions and FEEL something for his brother, who Katherine loved, just as much as she loved Stefan. (I KNEW IT!)
And so, Stefan is able to fight compulsion, once again, in order to do the unthinkable . . . allow Klaus to kill Mikael and win, in order to save his brother’s life.
“If he comes back to himself . . . it won’t be because he loves me, it will be because he loves you.”
. . . while, Klaus believes that weakness to be “love.”
Personally, I think a vampire’s greatest weakness is sh*tty planning abilities . . .
Katherine instructs Stefan to turn his emotions back on fully (now, apparently, they are only on half mast), because she likes the “old him” better. But Stefan isn’t quite ready to do that, and I can’t say I mind. After all, like I said, Ripper Stefan is funnier than regular Stefan. He also has better hair and is a better dresser. In fact, I’ve been waiting for Stefan to be a VOLUNTARY Ripper for nine episodes. And now, it looks like we will finally get just that.
Speaking of Stefan, now it’s HIS turn to have a contingency plan . . .
The Aftermath
“Whaaaaaaaaazzzzupppp!”
Just like in the beginning of the episode, Stefan calls Klaus again, this time to “thank him,” for his freedom. Klaus is smug, and tells Stefan he’s very welcome, with a big goofy grin on his face. Then he opens his little coffin storage container, and finds it EMPTY!
“You know, I’ve been wearing this black getup for about three episodes, now. Do you think Damon has any shirts he can lend me?”
(Now, I’m just wondering how Stefan managed to move all those coffins, and when, between being staked and eaten, all those times, he’s had time to do so!)
“We . . . are . . . family. I got all my sisters with me . . . except one.”
“I’m still waiting for my homecoming date. Do you think he stood me up?”
Anywhoo . . . remember how I said Ripper Stefan has better one liners than his more angelic counterpart? Well, his last two lines pre-hiatus, might be his best ever. “As someone who has been one step ahead of everyone for 1000 years, were you prepared for THIS?” Stefan asks with a smirk, as Klaus hangs up the phone.
GAME ON!
As for the promo for TVD’s post-hiatus episode, ‘The New Deal,” I’ve only been able to find the shortened U.S. promo for it, so far. And, honestly, it feels like a bit of a cop out, considering that about 10 of those precious 20 seconds are spent on the DATE, and scenes from THIS episode. Nonetheless, here you go . . .
I’m sure they’ll give us something more substantial soon. But, for now, since it seems we have quite a few TVD-less weeks ahead of us, let’s discuss the first half of the Season a bit, in the comment section, OK? What are your thoughts, on Mikael’s less-than-monumental demise?
“Goodbye, Cruel World . . . again . . . for good . . . maybe.”
On Forwood’s tragic breakup?
“Why couldn’t I just have said yes to the Goodbye F*&K? Dammit!”
On Delena becoming a “we?”
On Katherine becoming Stefan’s conscience?
Oh, and how long exactly do you think it’s going to take Stefan to open those precious little coffin lids, most notably Elijah’s?
Because, it looks from the promo, like he takes his sweet time doing it, while our friends in Mystic Falls remain sitting ducks for Klaus? I don’t know. If it were me, I’d be de-daggering those family members so fast, my head would spin . . .
“Don’t cry, my Darling NiKlaus! In another few thousand years, your hair will be much less Rats Nest-y.”
Hey there, Fangbangers! So, I’m going let you guys in on a little secret. (Shhhh . . . don’t tell anybody.)
OK. Here goes . . . historically speaking, I’ve never really been a big fan of “Flashback Episodes of TVD” . . .
Now, don’t get me wrong. I like pretty costumes, elaborate hairdos, and inflated production values as much as the next girl . . .
KLAUS: “The 1490’s look good on you, Dear Katherine.”
KATHERINE: “I wish I could say the same to you, Klaus . . .”
ELIJAH: “You do realize he could eat you for saying that, don’t you?”
I just tend to prefer my TVD gang to hang out in the 21st century . . . WHERE THEY BELONG.
That all changed this week, with “Ordinary People” . . . an episode, which I feel was, by far, one of the best flashback episodes in TVD history. (Tied only with the absolutely epic “Blood Brothers,” of Season 1.)
I mean, sure, it had all the trappings of your classic TVD flashback episode . . . the costumes, the hair, the extensive use of voiceover, a slew of main characters, who were suspiciously absent throughout the hour (I’m looking at you, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy, Katherine, and Matt.).
“Sorry, I missed the episode. I was sleeping off my hangover . . . and a long, hot, night of awesome Forwood sex.”
But it also offers – among other things – answers to MANY long-standing questions about the Original Family, the Original Witch, and the Original Vampire Hunter Mikael . . .
. . . some massive levels of Salvatore Brother Bonding . . .
. . . well sort of . . .
. . . Damon Sexy Dancing at a bar that is most definitely NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
. . . and, perhaps, my personal favorite, not one, but TWO, adorably erotic Delena scenes, one of which takes place, of all places, IN A BED . . .
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s explore some “Ordinary People!”
(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the lovely screencaps you see here . . .)
The Lockwood Original Diaries – Pictionary Style
Get it? It’s Dances with Wolves! Let’s add Awesome Artist to the list of Fabulously F*&kable Damon Salvatore traits . . .
This episode begins, rather fittingly, right where the last one left off: in the Lockwood dungeon . . . a set piece that arguably has become almost as popular as the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. Alaric has brought Elena along to show her All the Pretty Pictures that Mason Lockwood helped them discover on the wall of the cave. Damon comes along for the ride as well, to startle the always-jumpy Elena, and make cute snarky comments throughout the investigation.
You’re too hot to be scary. Sorry, Damon!
After all, he hasn’t technically been “invited in” to this establishment, now has he?
Stupid vampire rules!
The first thing the Scooby Crew ascertains from the cave drawings is that werewolves have been around Mystic Falls long before Stefan and Damon unwittingly encountered them, back in 1864.
I like Damon’s drawing better. Cave Person FAIL!
Now, whether these werewolves are ancestors to the current clan of Lockwood’s hasn’t yet been established. But, for what it’s worth, I THINK they were Lockwoods (I’ve, personally, always thought Klaus’ biological dad was a Lockwood), and Damon seems to agree with me . . .
Actually, as the threesome eventually find out, the history detailed on the wall of the cave is not the history of werewolves at all. Rather, it is . . . wait for it . . . the Original Vampire Family’s history. We know this because, as we see in our first of many flashbacks from this episode, Rebekah has helpfully carved her family members names (some of them, at least) into the wall of the cave, to preserve for posterity . . .
So, this . . .
. . . is basically the Viking version of THIS . . .
The names are written in a type of Viking Script. Believe it or not, this seemingly random fact immediately answers two important questions that many of us have long-wondered about the Original Family: (1) How old are they? The answer to THAT question is roughly the same age as the Vikings, who, as Rebekah would tell us later, colonized America in secret, long before history books would suggest. This, as many of you savvy viewers caught, explains the odd little Viking reference she made in Alaric’s history class, back during “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”
“What’s the Viking word for ‘foreshadowing’?”
It also explains, (2) why a big bad vampire like Klaus would seem so oddly fixated on a small, seemingly inconsequential town like Mystic Falls. Namely, HE GREW UP THERE!
Homesick . . . broody . . . and in need of a hug. (Tyler! Get over here and hug me, B*tch!)
Oh, and here’s the first kicker (which most of us had ALSO already figured out) Original Vampire / Kat Eater Mikael is . . . wait for it . . . THE ORIGINAL FAMILY DAD!
I wanna be like Mike . . . actually, no I really don’t.
But wait a minute . . . you might be saying . . . why would a FATHER be trying to hunt down and murder his own kids?
(It wouldn’t be the first time!)
Well, I’m getting to that . . .
Happy music plays in the background, as Alaric excitedly takes pictures of all the cave etching, so that he can study them for hours on end. Seriously, this is a history buff’s wet dream . . . You GO, Chunky Monkey!
“Are you mocking me?”
Alaric Saltzman Gets His Study on, while Damon and Elena . . .
Poor Alaric! Who knew, back when we first met him, that he was just two dead girlfriends away from becoming Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
As Alaric painstakingly analyzes the less surprising drawings from the cave wall . . . “vampire” . . . “werewolf” . . . “sun” . . . “moon,” I find my attention continually being drawn toward the hot and sweaty activity going on directly behind his head. It looks as though Damon and Elena have decided to continue the Vampire Slayer training that the pair happily started during “Smells Like Teen Spirit” . . .
Once again, Damon has cleverly used this “training” exercise, as an excuse to hold Elena close and fondle her. (YAY!)
We see this when he, once again, grabs at her from behind, and makes a joking move to bite her neck, illustrating that, in this particular faux battle, the vampire has won.
Since we all know how much TVD LOVES its parallels and foreshadowing, many clever viewers have already predicted that Elena will be forced to use these vampire fighting skills, FOR REAL, some time before the end of the season.
We’ve already seen her use what she learned in her first fighting lessons with Damon and Alaric to temporarily incapacitate Ripper Stefan. And I’m thinking that there is more to the emphasis on these fighting scenes than JUST to show Delena foreplay . . .
. . . not that there’s anything wrong with Delena foreplay, of course. 😉
Later, when Alaric hits a snag in his studies, Elena decides to hit up Barbie Klaus / New Head Cheerleader Rebekah for some inside information . . .
A Tale of Two Exes . . .
“The Boy is MINE!”
At school, Elena shows Rebekah a picture of one of the cave etchings, and asks for answers.
“Actually, this is just a naked picture of Stefan I found on his Facebook page. Look what you’ve been missing all these years.”
At first, Rebekah is dismissive. But when Elena threatens to awaken Vampire Hunter Mikael, otherwise known as Daddy Dearest, she gets PISSED, and shuts down completely. As Barbie Klaus stalks away, we are treated to a second flashback, this one features Klaus, and the ever elusive, sexy-haired, Elijah . . .
. . . when it comes to haircare. (But when it comes to jousting? Maybe . . .)
. . . engaged in swordplay. Then, Mikael pops in to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse Klaus, as the rest of the family stands silently by.
Mikael (who looks oddly hot, with his long crimped hairdo) takes the phrase “Bad Dad,” to a whole new level, when he takes the sword from Elijah, and begins jabbing it at Klaus, until the latter eventually falls to the ground. “Some days, it’s a miracle, you are still alive, Boy,” Mikael says harshly, as he holds the sword to his petrified “son’s” neck.
“Is this because I forgot to charge your iPhone, after I used it?”
Some might say, this is nothing more than an example of Tough Love. After all, Mikael is a Viking. He knows how difficult battle can be. And he’s only trying to keep his family safe, right? And yet, the way that Mikael seems to take joy in berating and abusing Klaus, so much more than his other children, suggests that there’s a bit more to it than that . . .
Meanwhile, in the present day . . .
“I’m naked right now.”
“I bet you are.”
Later, after school, Elena is gabbing on the phone with future boyfriend Damon, when Rebekah texts her to pop on over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Girl Bonding Time . . .
Rebekah’s texting now? Wow, she sure learned a lot about modern cell phone technology during those five minutes she played with an iPhone during “The Reckoning.”
Elena immediately thinks that Rebekah has changed her mind about giving her the details of her past. And she MAY very well have. But first, she wants Elena to help her pick out a dress for the upcoming Homecoming Dance. Ahh, now we know that Rebekah is definitely Klaus’ sister. These two definitely seem to have an almost compulsive need for social acceptance.
I actually think it’s pretty adorable – in a fairly psychotic way — that Rebekah feels the need to compel what is probably her entire cheerleading squad, sans Caroline, to model prospective dresses for her, when she could just as easily have tried them on herself.
It’s America’s Next Top Model . . . Future Vampire Food Edition!
It kind of reminded me of Cher from Clueless, who brilliantly created that application for her computer that modeled her entire wardrobe FOR HER.
You know, now that I think about it, Rebekah actually vaguely resembles Alicia Silverstone in Clueless . . . weird.
Of course, Rebekah is no dummy. And beneath her supposedly fun and carefree request that Elena help Rebekah pick a “model,” whose dress she will wear for the Big Event, is the subtle threat that, if Elena doesn’t behave, Rebekah could turn her into a mindless zombie, just like she did with these girls, and, then, eventually EAT HER.
Hmm . . . Rebekah seems to prefer eating girls. Do you think they taste better?
Message sent and received, Elena helps Rebekah pick out a dress (the red one). Then, Rebekah sends the girls away, compelling them to forget everything they just experienced. Except, she never instructs the girl in red to remove her dress. Perhaps, the two girls aren’t the same size?
With the mindless zombies gone, Rebekah then traipses up to Stefan’s room to start delving into Stefan’s underwear drawer, and reading his infamous diaries. (How very Damon Salvatore of her!)
“You know, I don’t get you two as a couple,” Rebekah begins conversationally, upon seeing a framed promotional still of Stefan and Elena from Season 1. That’s OK, Rebekah. Lots of Delena fans don’t get it either. 😉
Haha! I like these girl talk sessions. I can’t wait until Rebekah and Elena start gossiping about Damon.
But, alas, it is not to be. Of course, Buzzkill Elena . . .
. . . just wants to talk Viking History, which sucks, because I really wanted to learn what kind of naughty souvenirs Stefan kept in his closets from his Ripper Days. (Ripper Stefan seems like he’d be rather kinky, right?)
Anywhoo, with one final warning (and possibly another foreshadowing) that she will only allow Elena to learn what SHE (Rebekah) wants her to learn, Rebekah begins to launch into the story of her past, which I will share with you, in just a bit . . .
Brotherly Drunkenness
“Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are mesmerizing?”
After hanging up with his future girlfriend, Elena, Damon decides to pay a visit to the still locked up, and rather clammy-looking Ripper Stefan.
When Damon admits to not quite buying Elena’s and Lexi’s Brilliant Ripper Detox plan, Ripper Stefan responds, in what very well be the most insightful remark we’ve ever heard from the character. “Oh, and we should all listen to Elena, because her plans always work out so well.”
THANK YOU, STEFAN! I’m glad SOMEBODY finally realized that Elena tends to have the WORST IDEAS EVER, when it comes to defeating the Big Bads . . .
But, hey, look on the bright side, Elena. At least YOU never hid the moonstone in your soapdish . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old . . .
Damon too begins to become concerned that Elena’s Magical Mystical Plan is not working, when he suggests that Rebekah might kill Elena, and Stefan seems completely unmoved by this prospect. “Wow, you really have given up,” says Damon sadly. “Screw this Lexi plan. We could both use a drink,” he concludes, easily removing Stefan’s chains.
“I’ll drink to that.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my Drunk Damon as much as the next girl. But, if you recall, Lexi’s Magical Detox Stare from last week, you know that what Damon is doing, is effectively undoing the equivalent of an ENTIRE YEAR of sobriety for Stefan, and all for a single night out on the town. Bloodaholics Anonymous would, most definitely, not approve . . .
Have I mentioned that Damon Salvatore just so happens to be the PERFECT wingman? While sticking to liquor himself, Damon not only lines up beautiful girls for Stefan to drink throughout the night, he also compels them to forget what happened, once Stefan’s finished. He even gives them parting gifts of ugly red neck scarves, to wear, as payment for their services. Not a bad deal, I’d say . . .
“Tell me something, Callie. Do you COME here often?” 😉
In a stroke of pure genius, Damon even challenges Stefan to a game of Quarters, during which he sticks to a bottle of bourbon, and his brother drinks the bartender! It’s cute . . . in a twisted, sort of sadistic way . . . In the midst of all this, Damon even finds time for a little bar-top dancing, Coyote Ugly style . . .
(Unfortunately, the song playing in the background is not “Enjoy the Silence.”)
Fun, brotherly bonding aside, I must say, I do have one slight quibble with the notion that Damon can just force Stefan to gorge himself on blood, without the fear of anyone . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . DYING! By way of example, take a look at this little pictoral representation of the TVD episode, “The Birthday.”
I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that the entire point of Klaus getting Stefan high on blood, so that, “once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop?” (How many times have we heard THAT line, this season?) Now, granted, Stefan’s been “sober for almost a year now,” but a gorge fest like this would seemingly be enough to send any vampire over the edge. So, why is Stefan “I’m Freaking Hungry” Salvatore suddenly so calm about all of this . . .
Does turning off one’s emotions, also turn off his hunger? I would think not, or else Klaus probably wouldn’t have done it. It just seems a bit inconsistent, if you ask me.
Oh well . . . I guess the ever-changing characterization of Ripper Stefan is just one of those aspects of the show, on which its writers and I will perpetually disagree . . . But hey, enough negativity, let’s bring on the Brotherly Love!
Here’s the interesting thing. Though Damon is clearly frustrated by the fact that his brother has gone Ripper, there’s a part of him, that has wanted to go drinking and dancing, with his usually judgmental brother for decades. And, now, he is finally getting the chance to do so! If only Stefan was able to un-douche himself long enough to enjoy it with him!
“I love you, MAN!”
So, Damon tries a new tactic . . . namely, insulting Stefan’s masculinity. He rightly tells Stefan, that, chains or no chains, he can never truly be free, if he continues to be Klaus’ b*tch.
And the only way Stefan can break himself of that is to help KILL Klaus. Now, the point of this little bar outing becomes clear. Damon wanted to give Stefan a taste of freedom, to show him exactly what he was missing, while under Klaus’ thrall.
Admittedly, this was a pretty darn impressive plan, especially coming from the Moonstone Soapdish Guy. Bravo Damon!
“But Klaus, can’t be killed,” whines Stefan, clearly taking buzzkill lessons from his ex.
“Maybe I can help with that,” answers a voice from behind the two brothers. “The Salvatore Boys, I presume?”
Oh, look! It’s Vampire Hunter Mikael.
Ruh Roh!
But where’s KAT? Did YOU eat ALL of her, you PIG? Did you? Did YOU?
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Rebekah has launched, head-first, into her family history . . .
Meet the Originals . . .
Right off the bat, we learn, much as we suspected that the necklace Stefan gave to Elena, back in Season 1, actually belonged to the Original Witch, and that the symbol on the front of the necklace, actually MEANS “witch.” (How clever?)
I actually think this necklace gets more screentime than Matt . . .
So, here’s the deal about the Original Family. They apparently emigrated from Europe, after one of their children died from the plague, hearing rumors of a MYSTICAL, magical place where everyone lived longer, and was healthy. Hoping to spare their children, and themselves, some untimely deaths, the Original Family moved to Mystic Falls, which, at the time, was overrun by werewolves.
The humans and the werewolves lived peacefully, for a time. But then, one day, Klaus and young Henry snuck out to watch the werewolf transformations, and Henry got eaten, in the process.
R.I.P. Little Henry Original. We barely knew YE!
OUCH! What a way to go! Now, the Original Family had to accept the fact that, wherever they were, death was inescapable . . . or WAS it . . .
You see, the Original Family had a witch friend, who knew of a curse, or spell, that could make individuals immortal. Mikael and the Original Mother, Esther, ask this witch (I think her name is Ayana, or something), to cast this spell on all of them. However, Ayana refuses to do this, claiming that it will . . . wait for it . . . upset the balance of nature. (Yet another annoying catch phrase, TVD fans have had to endure for three years, now. ;))
“I have no function in this story, whatsoever . . .”
This means, that Mama ESTHER has to perform the spell.
It’s a pretty cute couple, right? No wonder all their kids are so hot!
Oh . . . wait . . . I didn’t tell you, yet, did I? You see, Esther, i.e. Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah’s mother, is also THE ORIGINAL WITCH!
Since, as far as we know, it is impossible to be BOTH a witch and a vampire (Sorry Bonnie!), Esther was unable to become immortal herself. (So, instead, she became some ghost thingy, who likes to hang out with Vampire Vicki in the after life. Go figure!)
As the Original kiddies were never let in on this Grand Plan, to say it was traumatizing for them to be STABBED FATALLY in the stomach by their own fathers, and then forced to drink from one of their neighbors, is probably the understatement of the century.
“Anyone got some stain stick I could borrow?”
Now, the Originals were vampires, burned by the sunlight, weakened by vervain, and harshly shunned from the werewolf homes, where they once felt so welcome. They also learned that they could be killed by the same White Oak Tree used in the spell to give them immortality. So, they burned it . . . (though, clearly, a few stakes covered in the ash from that tree, remain.)
. . . can prevent Forest Fires, Original Family. (Smokey the Bear is TOTALLY judging you, right now.)
Also, their chief personality traits were heightened. Rebekah became more stubborn. Elijah became more . . . honorable. (“Yes, I know, that sounds terrible,” she said sarcastically.) Father Mikael (who, I guess stabbed HIMSELF to make the transition) became more prideful. And Klaus became more intolerant of rejection.
Now, that’s a face only an Original Witch could love . . .
So, what’s YOUR most dominant trait? 😉
But something else happened to Klaus . . . something that would doom this family for all eternity. He started showing werewolf traits, thereby illustrating to Mikael that he wasn’t HIS son, but rather, some random Lockwood werewolf dude who Esther screwed . . . a dude, who, unfortunately we have yet to meet. Knowing that the existence of werewolf/vampire hybrids in the world would . . . you guessed it . . . UPSET THE BALANCE OF NATURE, Esther puts a curse on her own sun to make his werewolf traits dormant, and then, promptly turns her back on her own son, to appease the increasingly tempestuous Mikael.
This is where the events of the story become a little hazy. According to Rebekah, despite Esther’s moves to protect her family from Bastard Kid Klaus, her infidelity prompts Mikael to rip out Esther’s heart, while Klaus watches. (Wow, no wonder Klaus is so effed up . . .)
Hey! You stole my heart!
After this happens, the rest of the Original Family, including Papa Mikael, scatters, while Rebekah, Klaus, and Elijah remain behind to bury their mother. Upon doing this, the three now-orphaned children all hold hands, Ring Around the Rosie-style, and promise to stick together as one, always and forever . . . at least, until the inevitable time when Klaus gets into a fight with one of his siblings, and decides to dagger them for decades.
(Note: We know that Rebekah met the dagger, at least once, back when she chose Stefan over Klaus in the 1920’s. But judging from her statement, that Klaus was “disappointed by her,” many times, we can also assume that Rebekah had met the pointy end of the dagger prior to the events of “Klaus,” in 1492, as well. Naughty girl!)
Finished with her story, Rebekah threatens Elena with DEATH, if she ever goes after Klaus. Fair enough, right? But wait . . . now it’s Elena’s turn to share some news. Upon reviewing those cave drawings again, Elena comes upon a set of pictures signifying the death of the Original Witch.
And, according to THOSE pictures, it was KLAUS who killed his mother, as punishment for banishing his hybrid side, NOT Michael.
Elena shares this information with Rebekah, in hopes to secure her help in murdering Klaus. “He took Stefan’s life. We have to make it stop,” she pleads. But, of course, Rebekah is infuriated and extremely distraught by the news, which — though she continues to deny it — on some level, she seems to know its true.
Claire Holt REALLY flexes her acting chops in a major way, in the scene where she lashes out at Elena, in a mixture of fury, and inconsolate sadness. She pushes the Doppelganger up against the doorframe, as she continues to scream “Shut up . . . don’t talk anymore . . . nothing.”
Now, that’s some seriously close talking!
At first, I thought Rebekah might have compelled Elena’s voice away, which I suspect she could have, given that she no longer has her vervain necklace (Bonnie recently gave it to Alaric, so that he could study it.) But the fact that she didn’t makes the whole scene more heartbreaking in a way, Because it shows that Rebekah is more hurt, than she is angry, having been lied to for centuries by her own flesh and blood, the only person on whom she thought she could truly count.
It’s just so . . . tragic.
“She’s just a girl, who lost her Mom too young, and loves recklessly and blindly, even if it consumes her,” Elena says of Rebekah, later on in the episode, when she’s discussing her day with Damon (more on that spectacular scene, later).
Though, on the surface Elena and Rebekah might seem very different . . . one is human . . . the other is an Original Vampire . . . one is blonde . . . the other is brunette . . . one is brash . . . the other is more reserved . . . etc., I think the two women definitely found a common ground this week, and learned that they are much more a like than they could have ever imagined. I’m actually sort of looking forward to seeing this relationship grow and develop in the future. And yet, a part of me is worried for Rebekah’s life, now that she has proven herself to be such a vulnerable and relatable character.
Here’s hoping you at least live long enough to attend the Mystic Falls Prom, Beks!
On this show, Vulnerable and Relatable tends to be a death sentence, if you aren’t one of the Big Three cast members. I hope I’m wrong about this . . .
Meanwhile, back at the bar that is NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Getting to the “Heart” of the Matter . . .
Everyone seems to have their own tactics regarding “Curing Stefan,” and though he doesn’t know the younger Salvatore Brother particularly well, Mikael might have the best one yet. Sensing that Stefan might be the key to ascertaining Klaus’ whereabouts, he asks him out right, where the guy is. In response, Stefan calmly notes that he has been compelled NOT to tell him.
So, Mikael ups the stakes by reaching into Damon’s chest, and literally wrapping his hand around his heart, threatening to pull it out, if Stefan doesn’t talk . . .
Poor Damon! Of all the near-death experiences he has had since the beginning of this series, this one is probably the most gruesome, not to mention dangerous. Stefan initially reacts frighteningly little to the notion that his own brother is about to get his heart ripped out of his chest, causing viewers to wonder just how effectively Klaus HAD succeeded in turning Stefan’s emotions off. But then, at the last second, he gaves, offering to deliver Klaus to Mikael, thereby saving Damon’s life . . . again. (PHEW!)
“See, I’m not so bad.”
Outside the bar, a Happy to Be Alive Damon ribs Stefan for his hidden “brotherly feelings,” and thanks him for saving his life. “Be careful, Brother. Your humanity is showing,” remarks Stefan, echoing a very popular promotional poster for the show that was released back in Season 2.
Though Stefan claims to only have saved his brother to secure his OWN freedom, and not because he particularly cares whether the latter lives or dies, I’m not sure I buy that. I mean, Stefan WAS seemingly able to fight off SOME of Klaus’ compulsion, in that he directly disobeyed his Master’s order, by agreeing to help Mikael. So, it stands to reason that, in the context of that fighting, some of Stefan’s love for his brother leaked through his now-hardened heart.
Of course, that doesn’t stop Damon from kicking the sh*t out of his own brother, right there on the street. Because . . . I mean . . . what’s a brotherly bonding session, without a little brotherly, ass kicking, right? Man for a supposedly all-powerful, high on blood vampire, Stefan sure does get whacked around a lot, doesn’t he?
“Time for my nap!”
And now for the moment you have all been waiting for . . . if you are an Elena fan, at least . . .
First, before I do anything, I just have to share this nifty-little Delena-themed chart I found online. It’s SO PERFECT and spot-on, it’s not even funny . . .
Now, I’m going to link you to the Bedroom Scene in it’s entirety, because, no matter what I say about it, I suspect I won’t truly be able to give it justice. Here you go!
So, yeah . . . as you saw, or didn’t see, Elena arrives home from DAMON’S house, to find Damon cuddling up in HER bed, with HER teddy bear . . .
Though mildly turned on, horny, sexually aroused annoyed by this uninvited intrusion, Elena doesn’t kick Damon out of her bed, as we’ve seen her do in the past. Instead, she crawls under the covers WITH him
Well . . . actually, he’s still ON TOP of the covers. But it’s a start.
(Sidenote: For those of you out there who are Dawson’s Creek / Pacey / Joey fans, how much did this entire scene remind you of the parallel bedroom scene from “Stolen Kisses.)
“You know you are truly in love with someone when you can spend the entire night just watching them sleep.” OK. I just had to put that out there. Dorky fangirl moment, over . . .)
This is truly a testament to how comfortable Elena feels with Damon . . . that she can unself-consciously get into bed with him, and talk about the events of the day, without experiencing any sort of apprehension or fear that he will take advantage of the situation.
Another sign that the Delena relationship is hop, skipping and jumping, toward romantic bliss is the fact that the usually uber judgmental Elena, doesn’t yell at or lecture Damon for releasing Stefan (She knew he had done it, because he had called her, while it was happening.), as he (and we) fully expect her to do.
When you think about it, this is really the first time we’ve seen Elena GENUINELY trust Damon’s judgment. After three seasons, she’s finally figured out that Damon’s century and a half of experience with his brother, outranks Elena’s year and a half. It’s a big step for Elena, who’s always been somewhat of a control freak, particularly where the people she loves are concerned.
And since we are on the subject of big steps, I simply adore the way Elena turns out the light, while Damon is still in the room . . . an inherent invitation for him to spend the night, which is re-emphasized with her final words to him of, “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Yeah . . . right . . . “talk.”
Then Elena turns her body toward Damon, and moves her head inches away from his on the pillow (KISS DAMMIT! KISS! KISS! COME ON! SO CLOSE! You are killing me, here!), to say to him, the sweetest thing she has ever said to him, since, “I like you just the way you are,” back in “As I Lay Dying.”
And here it is: “I think you’re going to be the one to save him from himself. It won’t be because he loves me. It will be because he loves you.” (All together now . . . AWWWWW!)
Aside from the fact that I think Elena is absolutely RIGHT about this (After all, at it’s core, The Vampire Diaries is a show about the unbreakable bonds of family and brotherhood, just as much as it’s a story about a girl and her love for two vampires.), it was something Damon really needed to hear. Having always felt like he was doomed to be the brother in need of rescue, Damon has to feel truly heartened by the notion that the woman he loves believe that HE and only HE can save his brother’s humanity.
Oh, and then Damon watches Elena sleep again, which is just . . . you know . . . AMAZING . . .
And that was “Ordinary People,” in a nutshell. So, what did you think of the episode? Were you satisfied by the answers you received about the Original Family? Were you frustrated by the fact that the only other Original “child” you met, was the kid that got eaten by werewolves? Do you think Elena is right about Damon being the key link to Stefan’s missing humanity? And finally, how excited were you to FINALLY get an end-of-the episode Delena scene that WASN’T cockblocked by Alaric, Stefan, Katherine, etc. . .
Oh, and did I mention that next week is the mid-season finale, which means that after “Homecoming,” airs, there will be NO TVD EPISODES until January 12th?
Hiatuses are awful, aren’t they? Here’s hoping that next week’s episode is action-packed enough to tide us over, during those interminable TVD-less weeks. You can check out the extended American promo for “Homecoming” here:
And . . . here’s the Canadian one. (Though, admittedly, the sound quality isn’t the best. So, turn up your speakers.)
Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks. At least, for now . . . But be sure to tune in next week, or someone from this show might eat you, and not in the “good way,” either. Adios, Fangbangers!
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