Greetings Fangbangers! Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena? Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce, an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her. But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .
. . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?
Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .
Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .
Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .
Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .
. . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .
Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).
With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .
ELIJAH . . . .
. . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one? Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.
Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.
So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .
. . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
Dark Clouds and Silver Linings
After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce. They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .
As I suggested in the introduction, I love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals. And I kind of wish we got to explore it further. The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)? Absolutely brilliant!
I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources. Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.
That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think? Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed. How does she keep track of them all? Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere? Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?
“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass. Too much?”
Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.
Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass. (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)
Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .
. . . are Stefan and Damon.
Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .
Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.
While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .
Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.
“Kiss me, you fool!”
Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂
Silver Lining: Damon showers more than any character on this show.
So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing. Is this my new gimmick? Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .
Scared Baby . . .
. . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?
No. Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .
Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .
. . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan. Sorry. I’m not sorry.
A Beautiful Place to Die
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.
Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .
Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.
Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline? I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.
Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?
(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)
Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue, and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself. The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die. Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .
Everyone’s hungry. So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured, oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner. That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it? Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .
Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo
At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag. Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .
. . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.
Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”
Tsk, tsk Katherine. One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.
Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared. You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena. And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch. I wasn’t wrong.
Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage. Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.
Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity. Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN! He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.
Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked. HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM! HOORAY!
Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.” SURPRISE! Not really. It’s Elijah.
Bigger surprise? He starts eating “Katherine’s” face. And DAMN is he a good kisser!
Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets. I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!
Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.
(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol. No fawning over teenagers for that guy! Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)
I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent. And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .
. . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real. And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.
But back to that kiss. To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it. And this is one of those times. Ruh-roh, Evilena!
Hide and Seek
Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table. “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed! In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!
Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.
Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this. But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous. Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .
After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation. Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.
“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.
Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her. She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room. Classy!
“What a waste of a good tank!”
(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement? Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply. And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA. What gives?)
So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home. And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television. “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”
But instead, Damon checks the fish tank. So, this happens . . .
Should have gone with the soapdish. That’s all I’m saying . . .
To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped. Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.
Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .
“My precious!”
. . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .
Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes. But to no avail.
Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).
When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing. She feels FREE! She feels ALIVE! She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP! She feels . . .
. . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?
And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.
Human? Not so much . . .
Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .
Also finding fake stuff? Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.
(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)
This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason. Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.
Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena. Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.
Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.
She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!
Wait . . . what?
Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One! I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”
Then, POOF! All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.
Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!
Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes. And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.
Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there. The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass. Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!
The Real Deal
Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine. But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.
(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER? A lot has changed since then . . .)
Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena? She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul! Now, she’s a total sh*t!
Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.
Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her. What a dirtbag move!
Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear. (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.) But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters. Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .
Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus. And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck. B*tch had it coming!
But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!
To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection. Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.
Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.
Elijah then reunites with his baby sister. And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)
Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure. So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE. (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine). Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.
“Killing random extras on the show? But that’s our job?” Damon pouts.
“I know!” Stefan commiserates. “Evilena sucks. Her and I are SO broken up. It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.
And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!
Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.
The week after that . . . hiatus.
But after that, this . . .
Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode. But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom? Tune in two weeks from now to find out.
Until next time, Fangbangers!
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 
Fangtastic recap, as always envious of your inimitable style! The idea of a sitcom featuring Katherine and Kast would be DEAD on! Sookie and Regina would be Kat-purrfect! lol I’ve been calling the Bex-Elena duo The Spicy Girls, but your analogy of Thelma and Louise is aces. I noticed the ‘only from the wrist’ fetish of Ginger Snap, too–eventually seemed like she was gettin preferential treatment in exchange for hiding the vial of concentrated Red Bull at her house. I’ll answer your rhetorical question ‘biting the mailman in the tush’–yup, not unless he’d been a HAWTER lookin mailman! OMG! Silas is a cross-dresser! Bwahaaa! Totally blew my ‘Shilas’ ship-name out of the water, since we’re gonna have to keep up with his/her incarnations as they present themselves–guess Silvestite might be one step beyond appropo! Maybe Silas’ hidden agenda in becoming Caroline was to get laid by Klaus–how screwed up would THAT be!? Yes, Klaus acted like a typical male, reverting to whiny 12-year-old when “I don’t FEEL good!” surfaced. Regarding Kol–I kinda think Finn spent more time in a coffin than the other siblings. Kol at least ran with the Wild Witches at some point–the only ‘friend’ Finn ever made was Sage. And he was much less ‘well preserved’ than Kol! lol
“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” completely cracked me up–how true was that?! Elijah proved my theory that all boys think with the wrong head *sigh*–here we thought he was above it all. I’m not buying into Katherine’s desperate declaration of love for Elijah–she blew that when she tried to walk away from him by pleading he’d given his ‘I never break my WORD’ he’d do the deal with Klaus to trade The Cure for her 500-year marathon. Bitch lies as much as OUAT’s Regina–I never believe her, either!
Couple of other high points for me in your recap: I yelled at the TV about the SOAPDISH, too! Big Mouth Billy Bass and the empty fishtank–GUFFAW! The Smeagol/Springbreakers take on Bex’ vial-ogling put my ‘David Beckham in a chocolate thong’ description to shame! Mr. Clean Magic Pain Eraser–can you get a patent? We’d be rich.
With the inevitable ‘two-dates or no date’ situation that’s gonna come up at Prom next epi (I mean really. Elena and/or Katherine with Stefan and/or Damon; Caroline with and/or Klaus, InvisiTyer or Lonely Matt; Rebekah with Matt or NoOtherEligibleInTown, Bonnie with LongAbsentJamie and/or Shilas/Caroline…) I say this calls for a Gang Stag–everybuddy in the back of Matty’s pickup! Me, I’d be ridin in Damon’s most prized possession (next to his towel), the returned, scratch-free Camaro!