Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

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Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

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Old scores were settled . . .

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And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

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Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

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And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

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He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

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Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

Yeah . . . not so much . . .

Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

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Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

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Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

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This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

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So, she stakes his ass.

This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

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Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

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Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

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But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

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Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

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Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

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Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

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Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

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Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

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Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

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I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

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I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

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Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie types . . .

Both Lexi and Caroline seem to bring out a surprisingly light-hearted humorous side of Stefan, we don’t often get to see on the show.  In short, he actually SMILES when he’s with these two.  And even broody Stefan deserves a laugh every once in a while . . .

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Now, whether that spells a romantic future for these two in Season 5, remains to be seen.  It also depends largely on This Guy . . .

And This Guy. . .

Speaking of romances up for grabs, Beks and Matt get yet another romantic romance cockblocked.  This time the culprit is Rebekah’s ancient ex with the distractingly long Fabio hair . . .

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the cover of a bad romance novel?”

And his sexy vampire hunter friends . . .

Oh these three probably had quite the Hot Gay Dance Party over on the other side . . . Kind of wish I was there to see it . . .

But now, it’s all about the VENGEANCE!

Ruh-roh, Scooby Gang!  It looks like your graduation party just got a lot more crowded . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [ my tumblr]

This Girl is on Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “She’s Come Undone”

Well . . . that’s one way to get guys to think you are hot . . .

Hey there Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Elena Gilbert felt the burn, figuratively and literally.

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Also this week, literally EVERYONE in Caroline’s life became Silas  .  . .

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So, keep your fire extinguisher handy, Fangbangers, because this one is going to be a scorcher . . .

This is your brain on Damon Salvatore . . .

“I’m actually at school?  What is this?  Some alternate universe where my character is still on Degrassi: The Next Generation?”

We begin our episode on a lovely sunny school day.  The sun in shining.  The birds are singing.  Caroline is bragging about being named valedictorian.  Bonnie is smiling . . . wait . . . Bonnie is smiling?  This HAS to be fake.

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“Dammit!  Why did I have to make Bonnie smile?”

Yes, it appears that Damon has been Inception-ing Elena, in an attempt to convince her to come back to Team Humanity.

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But to no avail . . .

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I love the goofy moment, where we pan back from Elena’s “dream,” to see Damon standing around with his eyes closed . . .

It reminded me why they don’t usually show the “manipulation” part of Dream Manipulation on these shows.  I mean, compulsion from a vampire’s perspective always looks cool.  There’s no doubt about that . . .

But Dream Manipulation from a vampire perspective looks like  . . . well . . . a nap.

It’s kind of like that move Avatar.  If taken from the human perspective, all that running around in the forest, riding on giant dragon-birds, using your blue tails to have sex, and saving the world from that Evil Army Dude, would just look like some guy sleeping in a coffin-like object, while getting powdered donuts fed to him intravenously through a tube . . .

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Anywhoo, since Damon gets a big fat F in the gradebooks for his attempts to Inception Elena back into a “good little girl,” he reverts to something that he KNOWS will earn him an A+ . . . Torture.

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Damon and Torture go together like Damon and Showering . . .

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Vampire Barbies . . .

Peace-loving Caroline, who cured herself of her vampire anger issues, a mere two days after being turned . . .

 . . . doesn’t believe the best way to Elena’s heart is through ripping out her stomach.  She’s convinced good old fashioned talking will do the trick.  And so the perky blonde flounces her way into the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires, bearing her heart on her sleeve, and a peace offering . . . blood for the starving and dessicated Elena.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if it’s B positive?

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After Elena gorges greedily on the blood, she pointedly asks Caroline why she’s being so nice to Elena, after Elena has pretty much been the sh*ttiest friend ever to her . . .

Caroline admits to Elena that . . . yeah . . . people who try to eat her don’t typically make it to the top of her best friend list . . .

(Actually it kind of seems like most of Caroline’s friends have tried to eat her at one point or another . . .)

But Caroline doesn’t love Elena for the heinous b*tch she’s been these past few episodes.  She loves her for the Special Snowflake she’s been throughout all these other episodes!

(Loving Elena is a prerequisite for being a character on this show!)

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So, of course, Evilena does what she always does when confronted with kindness.  First she insults the Kind Person . . .

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Then she tries to rip off the kind person’s face with her teeth . . .

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So, Caroline does what any rational girl would do in such a situation.  She breaks Elena’s neck . . .

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And so, after a brief dalliance with Peacekeeping, it’s back to TORTURE TIME!

Rendezvous with Mean Girls

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah is drinking her feelings, when she comes upon the only male character left on the show, with whom she hasn’t had sex (yet) . . . Matt.

“Hey hot stuff.  Have you ever seen a 1,000-year old girl naked?”

“Shouldn’t you be hanging out on that New Spinoff with the rest of your ancient relatives?”

“Stop ripping out my heart with your continuous rejection of me!”

Matt casually lets it slip that he’s going to probably be stuck in Mystic Falls, cleaning vomit off bartops, forever.  This is because he’s been too busy running from werewolves and ghosts, and evading inevitable apocalypses to actually do homework, or study for any of his classes.  This gives Rebekah an idea . . .

Over at another diner/ bar type place . . . (one that can’t be in Mystic Falls, since we know there is only one Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) Bonnie has a secret meeting with Elena’s Doppelganger Katherine Pierce.  It turns out that Katherine still has Silas’ headstone, and Bonnie wants it BAD . . .

For a girl who doesn’t need to eat, Katherine sure spends a lot of time in diners .  . .

It has something to do with Silas, and the veil, and the apocalypse, and blah, blah, blah.  All this mythology talk gives me a headache.

Just bring back my Alaric, Kol, and Jer Bear mmm-kay?

The rest of it, I could care less about, honestly . . .

Back at the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires . . .

Bad Girls Don’t Get Nice Jewelry

“Do you realize that torturing Elena together is the closest you and I will probably ever get to that threesome we always dreamed about?”

Damon and Stefan have Elena tied to a chair in front of a window.  Also, Damon has stolen Elena’s sunscreen ring.  Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

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Actually, Damon, I think bad girls steal nice jewelry . . .

Damon and Stefan kind of have the whole good cop / bad cop dynamic a bit messed up here.  Stefan is clearly trying to play good cop.  He keeps Dr. Phil-ing Elena into talking about her “feelings” . . .

 . . . while Damon is throwing out the one liners, like it’s his job (which, lets face it, it pretty much always has been).

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The only problem, of course, is that Stefan is the one who keeps ripping back the curtain to burn Elena  .  . .

“The good news is that all this face burning, is making my teeth look super white!”

 . . . and this pretty much makes him the Worst Good Cop Ever . . .

Stefan and Damon decide to take a break from burning Elena’s boobies off to let her insult them both.  She reminds Stefan she dumped him, and Damon that she was sire bonded to him.  And blah, blah, blah . . .

But just when I’m about to get bored, Elena turns around and does something REALLY interesting . . .

“I am vampire hear me ROARRRRR!”

“I imagined this going a bit differently in my head . . .”

Because the last Sunshine Shock Treatment Elena received enabled her to burn through the ropes on her wrists, she breaks free from her spot on the chair, and actually FULL ON SETS HERSELF ON FIRE!  (Katniss Everdeen a.k.a. The Other Girl on Fire is not impressed . . .)

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Damon jumps into action and “extinguishes Elena,” reminding Damon fans everywhere what a sexy firefighter Damon would make (and what a long hose he probably has) . .  .

Firefighter fantasies notwithstanding, this is not a proud moment for our Sexy Salvatore Duo.  Elena is lying on the floor laughing in their faces.  After all, she’s just proved that, try as they might to be mean and menacing, these two could never truly hurt their Special Snowflake.  So, no matter how many times they put her in the proverbial hot seat, she really has nothing to fear.  Alas, this appears to be another Moonstone in the Soapdish Moment for poor Damon . . .

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It’s time for the brothers to call in The Reserves . . .

Study Buddies and Burgers

“Someone once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his clogged arteries.”

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“Awesome, now I won’t have to eat my dinner out of the Mystic Grill trash compactor.”

Caroline is crazy jealous and hurt, when Beks crashes her and Matt’s Let’s B*tch About Evil Elena Session to feed him, and help him pass all those classes he’s been failing.  It turns out, Caroline didn’t even know Matt was flunking out!

Caroline has always been portrayed as the fashion conscious social butterfly of the show . . . The Joiner.  But it makes sense that she would be a TOTAL Rachel Berry, when it comes to academics, just like she is in every other aspect of her life . . .

For Caroline, her ex-boyfriend’s failure at school is simply not an option (nor is leaving him alone to study with that vixen, Rebekah).  And so, off Vampire Barbie dashes to grab her arsenal of adorable pink flash cards, fantastic array of multi-colored highlighters, and sugar free energy bars.  “You dated That?”  Beks jokes.  (Watch out, Beks.  Your brother might just end up dating That too . . .)

While Caroline’s away (more on that in a bit), Beks kindly offers to compel Matt some passing grades, and a college scholarship, so that he can FINALLY get out of this godforsaken town.   It’s a sweet offer from the girl who once ran Matt’s car off a road, and almost killed him.  (Oops.)

Umm . . . check the bottom of the lake.

The Original Vampire kind of DOES owe the Bar Boy a favor or twenty.  And while giving Mr. Blue Collar a ticket into the Lower Middle Class wouldn’t entirely erase the whole Attempted Murder Thing from these two’s history together, it sure would be a nice start.  But NOOOOOO, Matt has to be all “honorable” and pass his classes the “old fashioned way” . . . by using his smart phone to teach him Italian.

Sometimes people are too good for their own good.   You know what I mean?

The Doppel-BANGER!

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At first Stefan’s “Genius Plan” to get Katherine to scare Elena’s humanity seems to be going swimmingly well . . .

The two insult one another.  They rough each other up a little bit . . .

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Well, would you look at that?  Nina Dobrev is beating the sh*t out of herself.   How very Fight Club of her!

Of course, you would think that after 170 some odd years, Stefan would have finally learned that Katherine will never EVER do what the Salvatore Brothers want her to do.  And this time is no exception . . . Katherine sets the captive Elena free!

Silly Stefan.  One day, you’ll learn that whenever you play with fire, you inevitably will end up getting burned . . .

Speaking of getting burned . . .

Silas, Silas Everywhere . . .

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It is like something out of fanfiction.  Klaus leaving his Baby Mama Drama in New Orleans to return to his lady love in Mystic Falls.  He begs her to escape her humdrum apocalyptic vampire life to come live with him in the Treme.  He forces her to admit that her hatred of him has morphed into something else entirely.  And, for the first time, she doesn’t exactly deny it . . .

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He invades her personal space, so she’s up against a tree . . .  his breath hot against her ear.  And then, he has to go and ruin it all, by making an offhand comment about feathers . . .

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So, wait.  Now, I’m confused.  Since when did Klaus become Elena?

Just kidding.  It’s that MIND RAPIST, whose real face looks like a cross between Lord Voldemort and the Sith from those Star Wars movies . . .

SILASSSSSSS!

He wants to send a message to Bonnie that she should come out of hiding OR ELSE.  And apparently that “message” involves staking Caroline.

“Why is everybody always temporarily killing me?”

Later that night, Caroline wakes up from her little death nap.

“I just had the most awful nightmare.”

Fortunately, Matt is there to comfort her . . .

I’m sorry.  Did I say “Matt,” I meant SILAS . . .

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Seriously?

Then Klaus pops up again, and he’s Silas too!

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Worried that Silas will kill her mother, Caroline rushes home.  Then Bonnie appears at the window, out of no where, to tell Caroline that her MOM IS SILAS TOO!

“I haven’t been this villainous, since that time I tried to have my daughter killed, because I found out she was a bloodsucker.”

Feeling trapped, Bonnie eventually walks off with Silas and his Real Ugly face, leaving Caroline to tend to her maybe-dead mother, in the back room.  What a b*tch!

As much as I’ve never been a big fan of the Lizard, I must admit, I got a little teary, when Caroline huddled over her and wished her back to life, a la Simba and Mufasa at the beginning of the Lion King.

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Actually, I Ugly Cried . . .

But then Lizard Forbes came back to life!  And all was right in the world!

Well, almost . . .

Attempt to Return Elena’s Humanity #562 (Spoiler Alert: This one actually works.)

After laying it into Katherine a bit for being just as crappy at helping Elena get back her humanity as everyone else on the show has been . . .

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 . . . Damon comes up with another idea . . .

This one involves Matt . . .

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At first this Plan #562 seems pretty darn similar to the 561 before it.  Matt finds Elena in the woods.  And he tells her she’s his oldest friend, and blah, blah blah . . .

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So, she eats him . . .

He passes out .  . . and wakes up.  So, she tries to eat him again.  But Damon gets there first.  And Damon .  . . KILLS MATT?

What’s this?  Is Elena actually SAD that Matt is dead?

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But wait.  JUST KIDDING!  He’s wearing that Jamaican Me Crazy Immortality Ring!  Hooray!

Matt’s ALIIIIIIIVE!  Elena’s humanity is BACK!  I think there’s just something about Matt that always represented a sort of youth and innocence she shared with him, before her parents died.  When Elena was with Matt she was perky, untarnished, and pure.  And that’s ultimately why I think it was his potential death that ended up effecting her enough to trigger her to put her humanity switch back into the “ON” position.

In short, the 562nd time was, in fact, the charm.  Damon Salvatore (and Matt) for all the awards . . .

But, of course, now, Elena is SUPER DUPER SAD about Jer Bear being dead, and about what a piece of sh*t she’s been these past few weeks.  I mean, girlfriend KILLED A WAITRESS!  And worse.  .  . she dyed her hair pink!  Oh the humanity . . . literally.

Stefan instantly reverts back to Dr. Phil mode . . .

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A few weeks back, we all harped a bit on Damon for using the sire bond to get Elena to turn ALL of her emotions off, when he could have just as easily just gotten her to lose ONE emotion . . . like say “sadness.”  This week, Stefan gets into a similar semantic kerfuffle with the extremely LITERAL Elena.

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Silly Stefan!  He thought his advice to Elena would turn her emotions into hearts, teddy bears and roses.  Maybe he even thought it would help him get laid.  Instead, it made Elena dead set on murdering the woman who killed Jer Bear, turned Caroline into a vampire,  brought Klaus to Mystic Falls, and stole the cure . . . her evil twin from the past . . . her doppelganger . . . Katherine Piece . . .

Katherine . . . the very same girl, who just entered into an alliance with Bonnie Bennett for the destruction of Silas, in exchange for her own shot at indestructibility.   Oh hell yes!  I think of all the Elena’s we’ve met this season, I’m going to like Homicidal Maniac Elena best of all . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries . . . The Apocalypse . . . and Kol . . . though not necessarily in that order . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] My New Tumblr (Just getting my feet wet.)  Fangirls Forever

How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

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Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

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It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

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And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

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Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

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I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

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That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

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Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

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So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

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 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

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I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

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“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

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Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

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Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

Every King Needs an Heir . . .

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Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

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Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

Don’t Eat the Prom Queen! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Pictures of You”

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OMG, Fangbangers!  It’s Senior PROM TIME!  Can you believe it?  It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .

 

. . . or his hot older brother . . .

 

. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before.  (Where were they living, all this time?  In an underground tomb?)

TV Prom episodes  are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them.  They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .

“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom.  I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .

. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .

. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .

 

They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .

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Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode.  And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.

Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age.  But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows.  I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .

And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.

In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers.  This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD.  It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.

Let’s review, shall we?

Burning Up for Your Love

“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”

In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .

WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????

At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . .  .

“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”

Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave.  But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!

Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!

OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing  when he died . . . 

Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember.  But where did he get that  jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?

Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now?  Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British?  Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen.  But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before.  So, I’m kind of confused.   Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?

The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .

Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.”  At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical.  But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire.   Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!

Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show.  You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite.  They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .

Dress You Up in My Love

It’s PROM DAY!  And everybody is getting ready.  Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready.  Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .

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And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .

“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”

As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure.  So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other.  This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon .  . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .

“I once ate a baby.  Does that count?”

Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!

So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him.  How precious!  I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .

I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .

However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings.  In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time  . . .

 . . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever.  You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms .  . .

Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity.  Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena.   And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .

There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!

In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping.  And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .

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Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .

It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .

It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels.  So, now, of course,  it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .

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Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . .  (Someone care to explain that one to me?  Was it Silas?)

Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .

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Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .

I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis.  Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .

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As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .

Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast.  But more on that in just a bit . . .

Love the way you lie . . .

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I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized  by a lot of false niceness.  People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous.  Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.

 Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .

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April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!

Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .

Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .

She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .

Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .

She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .

(OK, that part was kind of true.)

Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is  now his Only Living Brother . . .

 . . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .

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In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .

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Personally, I think honesty is overrated.  If  any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday.  Thank you very much . . .

Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .

I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .

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While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .

And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .

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By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie?  He did it as Shane.  He’s doing it as Jeremy.  He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan  . . .

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I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches).  But this kind of seems like more than that.  This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.

I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for.  But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show.  Just my prediction . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot.  This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick.   I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy.  With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .

In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .

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OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud.  I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and  Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely.  All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .

Am I wrong?  Speaking of wrong . . .

Love Hurts . . .

After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .

 . . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)

 . . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers.  It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .

OK.  Let me pause for a moment.  Matt and Bonnie?  What the WHAT?

OK, Matt as Prom King, I get.  Everybody likes Matt.  That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that .  . .

But Bonnie?  Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school?  Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say.  It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .

 . . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.

When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .

But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .

Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall.  Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .

My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .

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Evilena may have no soul.  But no one can say she’s not loyal.  Think about it.  How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .

Also,  let’s face it.  Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!

April just sucks . . . plain and simple.  And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .

So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . .  just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .

Things start to get a little crazy at this point.  This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.

Silas is Damon . . .

 . . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.

Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .

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Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode  (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and  set off car alarms.

But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .

Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?

“That’s me!  That’s me!”

Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again.  And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .

Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .

Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .

Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death.  I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .

We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .

In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .

 . . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”

Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .

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Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?

See you next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

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 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

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Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

ELIJAH . . . .

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

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After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

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As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

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Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

Scared Baby . . .

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

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Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

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Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

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Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

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Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

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Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

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 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

“My precious!”

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

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Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

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(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.

Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.

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She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!

Wait . . . what?

Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One!  I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”

Then, POOF!  All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.

Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!

Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes.  And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.

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Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there.  The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass.  Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!

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The Real Deal

Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine.  But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.

(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER?  A lot has changed since then . . .)

Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena?   She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul!  Now, she’s a total sh*t!

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Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.

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Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her.  What a dirtbag move!

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Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear.  (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.)  But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters.  Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .

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Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus.  And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck.  B*tch had it coming!

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But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!

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To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection.  Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.

Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.

Elijah then reunites with his baby sister.  And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)

Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure.  So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE.  (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine).  Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.

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“Killing random extras on the show?  But that’s our job?”  Damon pouts.

“I know!”  Stefan commiserates.  “Evilena sucks.  Her and I are SO broken up.  It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.

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And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!

Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.

The week after that . . . hiatus.

But after that, this . . .

Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode.  But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom?  Tune in two weeks from now to find out.

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

Still waiting .  . .

Any minute now .  . .

It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

*whistles uncomfortably*

Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

Elena gets a haircut. . .

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And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

Or is there?

*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

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And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

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When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

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Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

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And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

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. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

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Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

He REJECTED HER!

“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

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Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

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And then those bastards cut to commercial!

Oh the humanity!

Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

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My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

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So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

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Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

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So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

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Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

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But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

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(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

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Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

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So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

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Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

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This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

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All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

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. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

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Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]